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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Ow ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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[cheers and applause]
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Hey, man.
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Welcome, everybody.
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Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
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I can't believe
I'm still on the air,
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this is incredible.
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But I've been having fun
since the show came out, man.
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I've been going out to, like,
parties and stuff,
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feeling like a big shot.
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And I was out at a club,
I don't know if y'all knew this,
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did y'all know that Jay-Z
has a vodka out now?
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[man] Yeah, Armadale.
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Yeah, what's it called?
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-Armadale!
-Armadale, for shizzle.
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Anyway...
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Yes, I didn't know that, man.
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These rappers is getting
off the hook with it.
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These guys are really
the new entrepreneurs, man.
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They got clothes,
they got vodkas.
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And then I stayed
home the other day,
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and you know, when you at home,
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you see commercials
you don't see in the daytime
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that you might see
in the nighttime?
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You're not going to
believe some of the commercials
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these guys got.
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I got 'em, I tape 'em,
here goes one right here.
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Hey, what's the matter?
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Pam, do you have
anything sanitary?
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I'm all out
and my flow is heavy.
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Do I?
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Girl, I got something
that'll keep your flow
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motherfucking tiz-ight!
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Motherfucking tiz-ight?
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What's up, ladies?
my name is Damon Dash,
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the CEO of Roc-a-fella records,
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and roc-a-fella's about
to get all up in that ass...
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with Roca-pads.
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Roca-pads is 30% more absorbent
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than the leading brand.
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So if your period is droppin',
then, we catch it,
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y'know what I mean?
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It's the roc, holler!
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You feeling fresh now?
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Ooh, for shizzle, my bizzle.
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-What are you doing?
-What? nothing.
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[Dash] So, if your bum
is leakin',
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you need to be seekin'...
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Roca-pads.
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It's the roc.
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[cheers and applause]
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It's incredible...
it's incredible, man.
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I mean, these dudes
are into everything.
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Now, you think that
that's the worst of it?
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Check this one out.
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No, I'm serious, look.
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[gasping]
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It's real shitty down here.
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Oh, my... it's Redman.
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Hey, hey, where do you
get these stains from
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with your stinkin' ass?!
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It's just so hard
to keep my toilet white.
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Well, baby, that's why I got
the new toilet freshener.
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My shit is da bomb, bitch.
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I'm telling you!
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Redman...
well, how does it work?
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Well, the motherfucker works,
like,
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spray it in the toilet,
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and the enzymes and shit
collaborate together,
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and make some kind of mixture
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and get all that shit,
you got celery and Lima beans
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and corn and chicken bones
and shit in here.
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It was yummy going down.
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You need something,
why not call on your man?
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Holler!
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[announcer] Redman potty fresh,
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the only toilet bowl cleaner
with enzymes and shit
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that collaborate together
to make some kind of mixture
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that gets your toilet bowl
sparkling white.
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You got those awful stains out.
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Flush the toilet with
your pancake ass, bitch!
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Oops, sorry.
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[Redman] Yey, Redman
toilet freshener,
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I'll get the brown out.
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[dinging]
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[applause]
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I don't know if you guys watch
those old NFL films.
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They inspire me.
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And I think they should
also honor regular people
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the same way that they honor
these warriors of football.
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I want to honor the people
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who get booty under
tremendous circumstances.
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so, right now I present
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"great moments
in hook-up history."
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[narrator] At the Areola 54
bar and grill,
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during the cold
November of 1999,
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23-year-old Martin Johnson
had but one thing on his mind:
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A piece of ass.
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That was a big night for me.
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I'd been on an eight-week
losing streak, man.
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I needed to pull out
a win and I needed it then.
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I don't think so.
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After a night
he chalked up to bad calls,
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with time running out,
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Johnson had one last
fleeting stab at glory.
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[woman] Bartender, I would
like another drink.
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Ashley Evans,
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affectionately known throughout
the league as "smashly" Evans,
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was putting
the finishing touches
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on a "newly single" party
with her friends...
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and I would like a man.
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When the bartender
took away her keys...
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can anybody take this drunk,
horny, crazy woman home?
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At that moment, Johnson
heard the imminent whistle
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from the train of destiny.
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[train whistle]
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As the pass went up,
Johnson sprung into action.
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It was Jimmy Mackey's 9th
interception of the year,
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living up to his reputation
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as one of the bad boys
of the league.
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Johnson was crushed,
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but they say perseverance
is the hallmark of a champion,
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and Martin Johnson
had it in spades.
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After a night of bad calls,
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Johnson finally got
a penalty in his favor.
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Johnson employed a trick play,
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one he hadn't used since
his high school days.
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Hey, hey, you forgot your scarf.
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But it wasn't her scarf.
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Young Ashley didn't even
own a scarf,
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but was too drunk to realize it.
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Will you take me home?
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Oh, yes, yes, I will.
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When opportunity and quick
thinking meet,
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the way they did
that fateful night...
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Good evening, sir.
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That's a great moment
in hook-up history.
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[cheers and applause]
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Hey, guys, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
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-How's this?
-Go!
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[speaking in Arabic]
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Man, of all the flights
to be on,
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I gotta ride with them
terrorist sons of bitches.
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I got my eye on you, al Qaeda.
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What are those negroes doing
in first class?
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Must be rappers.
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I'd better keep an eye on Sara.
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Me no trust-em white man.
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Me better not go to bathroom.
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White man will steal my seat
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and call it "manifest destiny".
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[snorting]
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[ America The Beautiful playing]
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[cheering]
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You know, I'm glad to see that--
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that there are so many different
kinds of people here.
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You guys can't see at home--
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at home in the wide shot,
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it just looks like a bunch
of black people, but it's not.
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It's a patchwork,
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a multi-ethnic,
multi-cultural patchwork.
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Now, America's the same way.
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and I know a lot of you
white people at home
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might've had a feeling,
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like, you have questions
for your black friends
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that you want to ask 'em,
but you're afraid to ask.
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You don't want to alienate
yourself or, maybe,
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get beat the fuck up.
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Well, I wanna promote
conversation and dialogue,
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so I went on the streets
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and gave people the opportunity
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to ask all the questions
that made them so curious.
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And I got comedian
Paul Mooney...
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[audience] Whoa!
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...to answer
these questions for 'em.
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If you don't know Paul Mooney,
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He was a--
he was a writer
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for Richard Pryor
for many years,
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and some say one of the best
comedians working today.
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well, one thing's for damn sure,
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he's an unofficial sociologist.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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it's time for
"Ask a Black Dude".
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Can black guys jump high?
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Yeah, black people
can jump high.
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You gotta jump,
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gotta do something when you're
running from the police.
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[accented] I ask you,
why you walk like this, huh?
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All you, always,
all you black guy, why?
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[mimicking] Why you act like
a doo-det-det-det...
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00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,126
black people walk like that
'cause we have style,
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00:09:09,210 --> 00:09:11,126
we got flavor, we got rhythm.
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00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:12,876
I mean, the black man in America
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is the most copied
man on this planet, bar none.
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Everybody wanna be a nigger,
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but nobody wanna be a nigger,
how about that question?
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00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:22,876
Carol Channing just admitted
she was a nigger,
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00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,793
the rest of 'em need to
break down and admit it too.
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00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:27,501
Yeah, why we black people
like to smoke so much weed?
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Can you tell me why?
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00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,793
Well, I have a question
for that nigga.
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00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:32,251
Well, where are your teeth,
nigga?
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00:09:33,835 --> 00:09:35,126
Black people just like to party.
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00:09:35,251 --> 00:09:36,960
They have that in their blood
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and sometimes they can go
overboard and it's real sad.
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00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:41,751
and don't ask me about drugs,
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00:09:41,835 --> 00:09:43,168
ask Whitney and bobby,
don't ask me that question.
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00:09:43,251 --> 00:09:45,293
[laughing]
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"Everybody wanna be a nigger,
but no one wanna be a nigger."
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Oh, my God.
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Nigga, I am gonna get
cancelled for sure.
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00:10:02,751 --> 00:10:04,876
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break
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00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,626
and we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
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00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:09,043
[cheers and applause]
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00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:14,918
Ha-ha!
Go ahead!
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00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:22,501
Good evening and welcome to
inside Chappelle's Show studio.
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00:10:23,126 --> 00:10:25,210
We're here tonight
to celebrate the career
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00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:26,501
of a brilliant young man.
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00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:30,001
comedian, actor, artist,
magician,
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00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:32,835
and, some would say,
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a smooth, pimped-out player
from the streets
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that knows how to get his.
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00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:40,210
[lease welcome David Chappelle.
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[applause]
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00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:49,043
Thank you.
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It's overwhelming, I'm so used
to taping a comedy show.
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This is--
this is incredible.
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Thank you, William.
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00:10:55,751 --> 00:10:57,501
You've done over 74 films.
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We'll cover what time allows.
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00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:04,251
David, in 1987,
you burst onto the scene
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00:11:04,335 --> 00:11:05,960
with one of the most
auspicious debuts
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00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:07,085
in modern times.
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00:11:07,168 --> 00:11:09,085
I'm talking, of course,
about your portrayal
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00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,835
of private Jackson
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00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:13,210
in "Fighting Charlie
with Mr. Charlie".
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00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:14,668
Yeah.
247
00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:17,251
[applause]
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00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,793
Thank you, thank you.
249
00:11:20,876 --> 00:11:24,793
Here it is, your breathtaking,
Oscar-nominated performance.
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00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,168
[Chappelle] Ahh...
251
00:11:28,168 --> 00:11:32,251
Ahh... ow, little help!
252
00:11:33,168 --> 00:11:34,418
Ahh!
253
00:11:35,543 --> 00:11:37,918
Damn, dog, what
took you so long?
254
00:11:38,585 --> 00:11:40,168
They got me, ahh!
255
00:11:41,043 --> 00:11:42,126
Who you calling?
256
00:11:43,085 --> 00:11:44,210
Who that, the police?
257
00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:47,085
Tell 'em I got shot by some
Chinese gangsters.
258
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:49,085
I can describe 'em.
259
00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:51,335
Mmm, hello, police?
260
00:11:51,418 --> 00:11:52,751
[man] Jackson!
261
00:11:52,835 --> 00:11:54,251
Get out of here,
he's too far gone.
262
00:11:54,085 --> 00:11:55,418
Word?
263
00:11:55,501 --> 00:11:56,626
It'll be alright, soldier.
264
00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:59,043
You made America proud,
you're a damn hero, son.
265
00:12:00,043 --> 00:12:01,543
Hey...hey, you sneakin'.
266
00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:03,710
You might as well just shoot
yourself in the stomach
267
00:12:03,793 --> 00:12:05,251
and come lay down with me.
268
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,710
They're gonna see you.
269
00:12:07,251 --> 00:12:09,710
I was sneakin'
the same way, sarge.
270
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:11,460
Ahh!
271
00:12:14,126 --> 00:12:16,501
Permission to carry out
one last mission, sir?
272
00:12:16,585 --> 00:12:18,126
What is it, soldier?
273
00:12:19,626 --> 00:12:21,126
Permission to die, sarge.
274
00:12:22,043 --> 00:12:23,168
Permission granted.
275
00:12:23,585 --> 00:12:25,585
You report to heaven
at 0800 hours,
276
00:12:25,668 --> 00:12:27,126
and that's an order, soldier.
277
00:12:27,376 --> 00:12:29,793
I'll tell 'em,
"Uncle Sam sent me."
278
00:12:30,043 --> 00:12:32,835
Why, God, why?!
279
00:12:33,293 --> 00:12:35,960
Don't ask God... ask Nixon.
280
00:12:36,043 --> 00:12:39,126
Why, Nixon, why?!
281
00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:41,376
Ow!
Death!
282
00:12:44,085 --> 00:12:46,210
I'd love some pussy
before I go, ahh...
283
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:50,751
[applause]
284
00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:53,918
After "Mr. Charlie",
285
00:12:54,001 --> 00:12:55,918
you took what many considered
the role of a lifetime
286
00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,793
when you played
the Duke of Yorkville
287
00:12:57,876 --> 00:12:59,626
in "improper inquisitions".
288
00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:03,210
[applause]
289
00:13:05,793 --> 00:13:07,168
Let's take a look.
290
00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:11,876
[British accent] My lady,
my lady, don't run from me.
291
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
My lady... hey!
292
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,043
My lord, I need to know,
293
00:13:17,168 --> 00:13:18,710
'twas there another
maiden in our bed?
294
00:13:18,793 --> 00:13:20,543
Sayeth what?
295
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:25,168
It appears as though
my lady has been rummaging
296
00:13:25,251 --> 00:13:26,626
through my things...
297
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:32,543
and foundeth her...
her birthday present early.
298
00:13:33,585 --> 00:13:36,043
Yes, surprise!
299
00:13:37,126 --> 00:13:39,668
Lieth not, my lord, I prithee.
300
00:13:40,460 --> 00:13:43,751
The last maiden
that accused me of lying,
301
00:13:43,835 --> 00:13:48,210
I stuck my foot betwixt
her buttocks so ravagely...
302
00:13:48,043 --> 00:13:49,335
Ahh!
303
00:13:49,418 --> 00:13:55,085
That it broketh off and snappeth
as the twig doth snap!
304
00:13:58,668 --> 00:14:00,876
So, my lady, I invite thee
305
00:14:01,168 --> 00:14:04,335
to come and watch me
unsheath my sword
306
00:14:04,418 --> 00:14:08,376
and swing it
and swing it upon thee!
307
00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:09,376
Bringeth!
308
00:14:10,835 --> 00:14:13,668
Ooh, oh, ow, oh...
309
00:14:14,918 --> 00:14:19,335
Oh, oh... oh, well...
310
00:14:20,168 --> 00:14:21,460
Hmm...
311
00:14:21,876 --> 00:14:23,293
It seems as though the boudoir,
312
00:14:23,376 --> 00:14:24,918
perhaps won't be necessary.
313
00:14:25,751 --> 00:14:27,168
I've soiled my Pantaloon.
314
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,668
I'm going to get
a bowl of cereal.
315
00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:30,918
You get some rest, ta-ta.
316
00:14:31,335 --> 00:14:33,335
♪ Bip-i-dee-bop...
Bip-i-dee-bop... ♪
317
00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:36,210
[applause]
318
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,210
Thank you.
319
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,793
David, I've spoken to
many actors
320
00:14:39,876 --> 00:14:41,543
who have played
the physically challenged.
321
00:14:41,876 --> 00:14:44,418
When Daniel Day-Lewis
saw your performance
322
00:14:44,501 --> 00:14:46,710
in "little foot, long foot",
he threw up.
323
00:14:47,043 --> 00:14:49,626
In the movie,
you played Stanley,
324
00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:52,460
a handicapped man with
a heart of gold.
325
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,085
It's visual poetry.
326
00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:55,210
Thank you.
327
00:14:59,585 --> 00:15:00,668
[Chappelle] Short foot...
328
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:02,210
Long foot...
329
00:15:05,251 --> 00:15:06,335
Little foot...
330
00:15:06,793 --> 00:15:08,085
Long foot...
331
00:15:09,085 --> 00:15:09,918
Ahh!
332
00:15:11,001 --> 00:15:12,085
[man] Sir, let me help you.
333
00:15:12,168 --> 00:15:17,085
Ahh, get your damned hands
off of me!
334
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,418
But, sir, the wet floor...
335
00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:22,251
Shut up-- oh!
336
00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:28,043
Ahh!
337
00:15:32,418 --> 00:15:36,210
I don't need your damn pity.
338
00:15:37,085 --> 00:15:39,126
Aah!
339
00:15:43,126 --> 00:15:46,210
Ahh!
Hey, ahh, get away!
340
00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:47,668
Sir, I don't want you to
slip on my skateboard.
341
00:15:47,751 --> 00:15:50,168
Shut your damn mouth,
you pothead!
342
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:55,126
[audio in slow speed]
Aah... aah... aah!
343
00:16:12,460 --> 00:16:14,543
May I have
a double cheeseburger...
344
00:16:16,335 --> 00:16:17,293
a large fry...
345
00:16:19,043 --> 00:16:22,085
and something cold to drink?
346
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:28,293
[applause]
347
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,043
And a cherry pie!
348
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,918
[applause continues]
349
00:16:47,710 --> 00:16:49,001
And a milkshake!
350
00:16:52,918 --> 00:16:54,168
Aah!
351
00:16:55,293 --> 00:16:59,043
[applause]
352
00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:02,168
Dave Chappelle, thank you.
353
00:17:02,251 --> 00:17:03,626
Thank you, thank you.
354
00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:05,418
[applause]
355
00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:10,918
♪ Chappelle's Show
Ow ♪
356
00:17:14,043 --> 00:17:15,043
Whoo!
357
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:18,960
Whoo, oh, snap!
What's up, dog?
358
00:17:19,043 --> 00:17:22,043
If you let one drop hit
this motherfuckin' waverunner,
359
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:24,876
I'm a kick your
motherfuckin' ass.
360
00:17:25,751 --> 00:17:26,501
Deborah?
361
00:17:27,418 --> 00:17:29,460
Oh, girl, I should shit on you.
362
00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:31,710
Hey, when you're done,
close the motherfuckin' lid
363
00:17:31,793 --> 00:17:33,543
'cause we got some business
we got to take care of,
364
00:17:33,626 --> 00:17:34,668
you know what I mean?
365
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,126
I should pee on y'all
like R. Kelly.
366
00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:43,543
I would like to
thank my studio audience.
367
00:17:43,626 --> 00:17:46,043
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching the show.
368
00:17:49,210 --> 00:17:50,960
[man] I'm rich, biatch!
369
00:17:51,043 --> 00:17:52,085
[horn honks]
370
00:17:52,168 --> 00:17:53,043
Hi, thank you.
371
00:17:58,501 --> 00:18:00,626
Roca-pads is 30 more absorbent
than the leading brand...
372
00:18:02,585 --> 00:18:05,210
I can't say that [bleep].
"If your period is droppin'...
373
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,626
[laughs] We catch it."
374
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:11,751
I can't say that sh--
Yo, let me see that--
375
00:18:11,835 --> 00:18:13,251
Roca-pads is 30 more percent
absorbent
376
00:18:13,335 --> 00:18:14,293
than the leading brand.
377
00:18:14,376 --> 00:18:15,876
[man] 30% more.
378
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,210
I know how to read, man.
379
00:18:17,043 --> 00:18:18,418
What the [bleep] is
wrong with you?
380
00:18:19,251 --> 00:18:20,626
You're so young, Jackson.
381
00:18:20,710 --> 00:18:22,668
-I'm only 19.
-19?
382
00:18:22,751 --> 00:18:24,543
N-n-n-nineteen.
383
00:18:25,751 --> 00:18:27,876
Red, is my career down there?