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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Ow ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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Well, I'm a comedian,
I travel a lot,
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and needless to say...
I get horny out there.
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I'm a chronic masturbator.
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I tried whacking off
with my P.C.,
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but I felt like it was
just too much clickity-clack,
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clickity-clack...
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with my mac, I mean,
the video resolution is so clear
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I can see parts of the vagina
that I didn't even know existed.
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Labias and flabias
and flip-flaps-- man!
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I'm a chronic masturbator.
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I don't know what
they make the keys out of,
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but, whatever it is,
it's non-stick.
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And then with iTunes ,
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I can actually listen
to some of my favorite music
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while I'm masturbating.
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♪ Wu tang clan ain't nothing
To mess with ♪
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I'm Dave Chappelle
and I love internet porn.
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[cheering and applause]
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[man] Dave Chappelle...!
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Ho...!
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Hooray...
hooray for me.
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You know, I'm glad y'all came.
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Man, I'm glad that we're
not cancelled yet.
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We've been going hard.
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Uh, tonight I wanted to tackle
something kind of serious.
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I don't know if anybody
has seen me on Donahue recently.
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Has anyone seen that?
Thank God.
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Didn't go quite
as well as I thought it would
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because I was unprepared.
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The topic was
"Angry white men".
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So they said, "Well, let's get
Dave Chappelle for that.
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Maybe he'll be able to throw
something in the conversation."
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I said, "well, okay,
I'll come over,"
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'cause I'm thinking
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we're actually gonna
have a conversation.
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but what happens
on these shows is all the guests
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have an agenda,
they come in there,
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and they'll say the same things
over and over again.
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And I thought
we was just gonna be talking,
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so halfway through the show,
I just gave up.
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I have the tape,
I'll show you some of the tape.
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It was embarrassing, man.
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[man] You know what's happened?
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Here's what's happened
because of that thinking--
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As well intentioned
as it may be--
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Is you have taken
the white people and you have,
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A: Made them angry,
and, B: You talk...
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white people talk amongst
each other...
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when they see a black person
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in a job in a company,
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they say, "He is
an affirmative action hire..."
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[imitating nasally] "He's an
affirmative action hire."
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That's a lot better than saying,
"Hey, that nigga's homeless".
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I'd much rather be called
"An affirmative action hire"
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than "Broke and unemployed".
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As you can see, though,
from the tape,
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I really didn't
have nothing to say.
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I was, like, "should I just
choke somebody, or...?"
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All right, all right,
let's take another look,
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see what else we got here.
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I think one of the
underlying issues here is
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affirmative action forces
somebody--
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you're forcing people,
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and anytime
you force somebody,
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I don't know
about you gentlemen,
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but I don't like to be forced.
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when I'm pushed,
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I'm only pushed so far...
and then I push back.
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"Forced."
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Oh, you mean,
like, "Slavery forced"?
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Remember that thing where you
forced us to work, huh?
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What did you think?
black people was, like,
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"No problem, boss, I'd love to!"
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Man, that was infuriating, man.
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But, I, for one,
I'm gonna say it publicly,
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not only am I for
affirmative action,
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I will take it a step further...
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I want my reparations
for slavery.
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[cheering and applause]
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That's right.
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I'm trying to get paid
for the work of my forefathers.
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Done and done.
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The only thing
that I would say,
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is if we do ever get
our reparations,
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which I doubt,
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but if we do, we black people
have got to get together,
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and come up with
a plan for the money.
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This is a consumer-based
economy.
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You can't just give
black people all this money
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and turn them loose
on the streets.
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That could be
a potential disaster.
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I wonder what would happen
if someone actually did that.
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Hmm...
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[harp playing]
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[announcer] And now
a NewsCenter 3 special report
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with Frank Dobson
and Chuck Taylor.
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Good afternoon,
I'm Chuck Taylor.
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Frank Dobson died last
night in his sleep.
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Our top story,
as we all know,
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congress recently approved
paying over
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a trillion dollars
to African-Americans
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as reparations for slavery.
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Well, today the first
checks were sent out.
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Wendy Mullin is standing
by live in Queens with more.
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Wendy?
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Thanks, Chuck.
we're standing here in front
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of the Olympic liquor store
in Queens,
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where scores of
African-Americans have been
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lined up for hours.
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We spoke to a few of them
earlier.
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Ladies, may we get a word?
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Hide the money, y'all!
there's poor people 'round.
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[laughs loudly]
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With your broke ass!
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Sir, now that you've got
your check,
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do you plan on quitting
your job driving this truck?
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Truck driver?
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I ain't no truck driver,
I'm a janitor.
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Janitor?
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That's right, baby, I just
bought this truck straight cash.
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Now, I got enough cigarettes
to last me and my family
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for the rest of our lives.
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I'm rich, biatch!
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[honks horn]
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So, Chuck, as you can see,
it's been a pretty amazing day.
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Back to you.
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Wait, Wendy,
let me get this straight.
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Why aren't there
any banks in the ghetto?
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Well, Chuck, that's because
banks hate black people,
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but I think
that's about to change.
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Back to you.
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I bet you're right, Wendy.
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Hot damn almighty,
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I bet you're right.
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Well, these checks aren't just
affecting things on beat street.
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Wall street is having
a big day, as well.
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Our financial correspondent
Michael Peterson is there.
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Michael, what's happening?
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Chuck, a lot of activity,
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as you can imagine,
here on the market.
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These people are spending
money like hotcakes.
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Get this, sprint
stock has skyrocketed
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after the news that two million
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Delinquent phone bills
have been paid
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just this morning, incredible.
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Gold is way up.
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Diamonds are at their
most expensive level ever.
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The catchphrase around here is
certainly, "bling, bling!"
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Oil has dropped
to $1.50 a barrel,
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while chicken shot
to $600 a bucket.
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amazing news there.
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Just about everything
on the market is up,
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however, watermelon
is surprisingly flat,
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defying many analysts out there.
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Chuck, get this,
8,000 record labels
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have been started
in the last hour.
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Incredible.
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Cadillac announced that
they sold three million
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escalade trucks
this afternoon alone.
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It's incredible, Chuck,
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these people just seem
to be breaking their necks
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to give this money
right back to us.
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Folks, I am happy to report that
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the recession is now
officially over,
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and we have nobody to thank,
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but all these black people,
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with their taste
for expensive clothes,
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fancy cars, and,
of course, gaudy jewelry.
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Uh, Chuck,
I can't believe my ears,
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the news just keeps
rolling in here.
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I have just been told
that FUBU--
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FUBU is now
the world's largest corporation
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after merging with
Kentucky Fried Chicken.
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this is another amazing
development
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on an already amazing day,
Chuck.
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Flabbergasting,
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A truly wild day that none
of us will ever forget,
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no matter how hard we try.
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We're gonna take a short break,
but when we come back,
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the crime rate
has fallen to 0%.
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How could that be?
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Did the Mexicans
get money today too?
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[laughing]
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I shouldn't have said that.
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Listen, I think we'll be
alright.
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Mexicans don't watch the news.
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Now, if this was Telemundo...
[laughs]
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♪ A-hotchy-cotchy,
hotchy-cotchy ♪
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Hey, we're gonna pay
some bills over here
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at Comedy Central,
but don't go anywhere,
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'cause we'll be here when you
get back, chilling.
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[cheering and applause]
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♪ Man, I'm bored ♪
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♪ I gotta go
to the Chappelle show ♪
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A secret 1986 document
from a major tobacco company
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contains the following passage:
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00:08:13,668 --> 00:08:16,835
"Cigarette smoking can
result in feelings of Euphoria,
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00:08:16,918 --> 00:08:18,210
increased alertness,
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rises in short-term memory,
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and can have a calming effect
on nerves."
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And, you know, they're
not bad after unprotected sex
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with multiple partners, either.
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Hey, scooter,
you trying to get some of this?
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Come on, dog,
look how cool I look.
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I was talking 'bout
the cigarettes, but come on in!
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Man, we're just having us
a blast here in the studio.
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Man, this is great,
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and I gotta tell you,
you guys are one
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of the best-looking audiences
I've ever seen in my life.
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I wouldn't lie to you.
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I've been looking around
from the back,
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scoping out the ladies...
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you know what I like about
ladies the most,
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like, when I look
at how beautiful they are?
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Their titties.
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I'm sorry to say it,
there's something about boobs.
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I'm a sucker for boobies.
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I mean, you know,
I can't explain it.
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It's just, you know, especially,
in the summertime,
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when y'all girls
in New York be, like,
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taking 'em out on that parade
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before you pack them
away for the winter.
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and then a dude will
see one of y'all walking by,
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and we want to say
something to you,
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I don't think it would be
so bad if it was just, like,
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"Man, you got some great boobs."
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But, you know, girls get
mad at these kinds of things,
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they don't like that.
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They'll put 'em in your face...
but, it's, like,
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"Don't talk about 'em, just..."
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But it's all right, gentlemen,
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because, I, for myself,
have put my mind to it,
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and devised a way
that I can compliment women
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on their breasts and they will
not get angry.
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I had a blast doing it.
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Check it out.
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♪ Ooh do it ♪
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Hi, everybody, I'm Lyle,
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Standing in New York city,
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boob capital of North America,
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Looking for great
New York boobs.
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♪ Do the hustle ♪
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'Scuse me, pardon me, miss.
252
00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:21,126
Hi, can I talk to you
for one second?
253
00:10:21,210 --> 00:10:24,210
Pardon me, can I talk
to you for my T.V show?
254
00:10:24,043 --> 00:10:25,543
Please, don't run.
255
00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:30,960
Boy, she had some sweet
New York boobs.
256
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:36,710
Hi, guys, I'm Lyle, and you
have great New York boobs.
257
00:10:36,793 --> 00:10:38,335
Oh, my God!
258
00:10:38,710 --> 00:10:40,085
Hi, what's your name?
259
00:10:41,335 --> 00:10:43,085
-Jeannie.
-Jeannie?
260
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:45,001
You have great New York boobs.
261
00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:46,501
Oh!
262
00:10:46,585 --> 00:10:48,043
Fantastic.
263
00:10:48,710 --> 00:10:50,543
♪ Do the hustle ♪
264
00:10:50,626 --> 00:10:53,835
This is Joe Rogan
from NBC's fear factor.
265
00:10:53,918 --> 00:10:55,001
-Hello, ladies.
-Hello.
266
00:10:55,085 --> 00:10:56,293
Can I tell you something?
267
00:10:56,376 --> 00:10:57,335
What?
268
00:10:57,418 --> 00:10:59,335
You have great New York boobs.
269
00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:01,376
Are we talking "C" cups?
270
00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:03,335
"D" cups, perhaps?
271
00:11:03,418 --> 00:11:06,085
Yes, "C", "C" cups.
272
00:11:06,168 --> 00:11:09,501
Well, I'd drink from
those "c" cups any day.
273
00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:11,501
Fabulous.
274
00:11:13,043 --> 00:11:16,876
They rest on my arm
like an eagle on a perch.
275
00:11:17,251 --> 00:11:20,793
These are some of the best boobs
you can see in the city.
276
00:11:21,126 --> 00:11:22,335
Br-br-br-Bromsky.
277
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:28,460
Please, don't run, they're busy.
278
00:11:28,543 --> 00:11:32,251
And this is Joe Rogan
from NBCs fear factor.
279
00:11:32,335 --> 00:11:34,543
-Can I tell you something?
-Yes.
280
00:11:34,626 --> 00:11:36,751
You have great
New York boobs.
281
00:11:36,835 --> 00:11:38,043
Thanks...
282
00:11:38,126 --> 00:11:39,043
Fabulous.
283
00:11:39,376 --> 00:11:40,835
That's my dad, man.
284
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,543
Well, sir...
285
00:11:43,043 --> 00:11:44,918
You have fabulous genetics.
286
00:11:45,001 --> 00:11:46,460
That's all I can tell you
287
00:11:46,543 --> 00:11:51,460
because you helped make a great
set of New York boobs.
288
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,626
Man, what the fuck is this?
289
00:12:01,793 --> 00:12:03,668
Hey, don't go nowhere.
290
00:12:03,751 --> 00:12:05,335
We're going to take a quick
commercial break,
291
00:12:05,418 --> 00:12:08,210
pay some bills,
and we'll be right back.
292
00:12:08,043 --> 00:12:09,501
[cheering continues]
293
00:12:11,085 --> 00:12:12,251
♪ Ow ♪
294
00:12:12,335 --> 00:12:14,001
-Turn on your T.V.
♪ Ow ♪
295
00:12:14,085 --> 00:12:15,710
What you gonna see?
296
00:12:15,793 --> 00:12:17,168
Hey!
297
00:12:17,251 --> 00:12:19,418
[cheering and applause]
298
00:12:22,168 --> 00:12:25,085
Hey, guys, welcome back
to Chappelle's Show, man.
299
00:12:25,293 --> 00:12:27,251
You know, we better check in
with Chuck Taylor
300
00:12:27,335 --> 00:12:29,501
at NewsCenter 3
to see how those black folks
301
00:12:29,585 --> 00:12:32,168
are making out with their
reparations checks.
302
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,293
[announcer]
And now more reparations 2003
303
00:12:35,376 --> 00:12:36,210
with Chuck Taylor.
304
00:12:36,793 --> 00:12:38,210
If you're just joining us,
305
00:12:38,043 --> 00:12:40,043
black people got their
reparations checks today,
306
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:42,668
and, in short, all hell
has broken loose.
307
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:44,751
In sports,
the Philadelphia 76ers
308
00:12:44,835 --> 00:12:46,085
took on the New York Knicks,
309
00:12:47,376 --> 00:12:49,043
but since none of the
black players showed up,
310
00:12:49,710 --> 00:12:52,460
Todd McCullough ended up playing
one-on-one with Travis knight.
311
00:12:53,126 --> 00:12:55,751
McCullough had 75 points,
beating knight by 7.
312
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,751
After the game,
McCullough said that he was hurt
313
00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:00,710
that none of the black players
showed up,
314
00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:02,001
but upbeat because he,
315
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:05,043
quote, "finally, feels like
he has a big penis."
316
00:13:06,335 --> 00:13:07,626
Welcome to the club, buddy,
317
00:13:08,335 --> 00:13:09,376
the big penis club.
318
00:13:10,793 --> 00:13:12,085
Fortune magazine released
their annual list
319
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:14,210
of the hundred
wealthiest people today,
320
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,085
and Bill Gates has been
overtaken.
321
00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:17,793
"By whom," you ask?
322
00:13:18,043 --> 00:13:21,835
A Harlem resident named
simply...Tron.
323
00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:25,085
Our Stephanie gold
is standing by with him now.
324
00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:26,710
So, how did you become
325
00:13:26,793 --> 00:13:28,251
the world's wealthiest man,
Tron?
326
00:13:29,043 --> 00:13:31,210
Hot hand in a dice game,
baby girl.
327
00:13:31,293 --> 00:13:33,168
Six hours straight,
talking 'bout,
328
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:34,501
Clackity, clackity,
clackity clack!
329
00:13:35,251 --> 00:13:38,210
Now, you looking
at the world's richest man,
330
00:13:38,043 --> 00:13:39,293
and I'm black.
331
00:13:39,376 --> 00:13:42,085
Kiss my black ass, America!
332
00:13:42,168 --> 00:13:44,251
I think what everybody
wants to know now is,
333
00:13:44,085 --> 00:13:45,668
what are you going
to do with all this money?
334
00:13:46,335 --> 00:13:50,085
Uh, I'm gonna reinvest my money
into the community.
335
00:13:50,168 --> 00:13:51,835
Oh, that's a very nice
gesture, what will you...
336
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:53,043
Psych!
337
00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:54,835
[laughing]
338
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,835
Okay, is that your son?
339
00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:59,043
No, no, I just bought
this baby cash.
340
00:13:59,126 --> 00:14:01,210
No, straight up, though,
I'm gonna do the real thing,
341
00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:03,085
and spend this money
before y'all honkeys
342
00:14:03,168 --> 00:14:04,960
change your minds.
343
00:14:06,168 --> 00:14:07,876
On that note, Chuck,
we're gonna send it
344
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,043
back to you in the studio now.
345
00:14:09,251 --> 00:14:11,001
Hold up, Chuck, I got your girl.
346
00:14:11,085 --> 00:14:12,585
What do you say about
a little lap dance
347
00:14:12,668 --> 00:14:13,918
for the world's richest man?
348
00:14:14,043 --> 00:14:15,335
Oh, well, if you put it
that way...
349
00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:16,876
Chuck, back to you
in the studio.
350
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,085
Thank you, Stephanie.
351
00:14:18,168 --> 00:14:19,085
-Chuck!
-In other news...
352
00:14:19,168 --> 00:14:20,293
Suck my...
353
00:14:22,668 --> 00:14:24,543
We, um, we seem to have
lost the feed.
354
00:14:27,251 --> 00:14:29,626
Anyhow, here with
the weather is our old pal,
355
00:14:30,251 --> 00:14:34,043
Reliable, friendly, portly...
big al.
356
00:14:34,335 --> 00:14:37,251
[nasal] Happy reparations day,
happy Juneteenth.
357
00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:39,210
Just kidding.
358
00:14:39,043 --> 00:14:40,585
Chuck, I don't know
if you know this,
359
00:14:40,918 --> 00:14:42,585
but I've just handed
in my resignation here
360
00:14:42,668 --> 00:14:44,626
at NewsCenter 3 hours ago,
361
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:46,793
and I'll tell you something else
362
00:14:46,876 --> 00:14:49,251
you probably didn't know,
and that is this:
363
00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:51,668
This is not
my real speaking voice.
364
00:14:52,460 --> 00:14:55,168
[deep voice] Actually, Chuck,
this my real speaking voice.
365
00:14:55,626 --> 00:14:58,043
I talk like straight-up
gangster, bitch.
366
00:14:58,418 --> 00:15:03,251
My name ain't big al,
it's Alton Aims, okay?
367
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:04,460
Uh, Big Al, seriously,
368
00:15:04,543 --> 00:15:05,918
what's the forecast
for the tristate area?
369
00:15:06,668 --> 00:15:07,460
Oh, I don't know, Chuck.
370
00:15:08,001 --> 00:15:10,418
Why don't we take a
look at my tristate area map,
371
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:13,210
which looks a lot like
my big fat ass.
372
00:15:13,626 --> 00:15:15,710
Okay, here we have Connecticut.
373
00:15:15,793 --> 00:15:18,085
All the white folks
drive down 95
374
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,710
and go straight
into the Holland tunnel.
375
00:15:21,085 --> 00:15:22,376
Uh-oh, look out,
376
00:15:23,001 --> 00:15:24,251
here comes a big brown truck.
377
00:15:24,835 --> 00:15:26,210
Wait a minute,
that ain't no truck!
378
00:15:26,710 --> 00:15:27,293
[farting]
379
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:29,335
My God, Big Al,
that's disgusting!
380
00:15:29,418 --> 00:15:31,168
♪ I'm paid I'm paid ♪
381
00:15:31,543 --> 00:15:33,335
♪ I'm paid in the shade ♪
382
00:15:34,251 --> 00:15:36,043
[mouthing rhythm]
383
00:15:37,543 --> 00:15:39,668
is that "beat boxing"?
384
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:41,210
You old, pasty bastard.
385
00:15:41,293 --> 00:15:43,835
Look at you, Chuck,
you look sick, man.
386
00:15:43,918 --> 00:15:46,043
You look like you just walked
up from ground zero.
387
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:50,876
This job sucks,
kiss the rings, bitch.
388
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,085
I'm out.
389
00:15:55,168 --> 00:15:56,293
And there you have it.
390
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,168
Excuse me.
391
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:03,085
Incredible, I'm receiving word
that Colin Powell
392
00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:05,585
has just bitch-slapped
Vice President Dick Cheney.
393
00:16:06,126 --> 00:16:08,918
White people, run for cover,
we'll be right back.
394
00:16:11,418 --> 00:16:13,835
Hey, man, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break,
395
00:16:14,168 --> 00:16:15,335
and we'll be right back
396
00:16:15,418 --> 00:16:17,043
with more Chappelle's Show.
397
00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:19,501
Kiss the rings, bitch!
398
00:16:22,585 --> 00:16:24,251
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
399
00:16:24,626 --> 00:16:26,793
Better not bring your kids!
400
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:28,251
Everybody in this room,
401
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:29,793
I'd like to thank you for
coming to my show.
402
00:16:30,126 --> 00:16:31,251
Everybody at home,
403
00:16:31,585 --> 00:16:33,085
I hope you're at home
making your butt
404
00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:35,210
♪ Clap-clap clap-clap clap ♪
405
00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:37,168
All right, thanks for coming,
see you next week.
406
00:16:37,251 --> 00:16:38,585
I'm out.
407
00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:42,168
[cheers and applause]
408
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,085
[man] I'm rich, biatch!
409
00:16:44,168 --> 00:16:45,168
[horn honking]
410
00:16:45,251 --> 00:16:46,126
Hi, thank you!
411
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:54,085
What is your personal
feelings on reparations?
412
00:16:54,168 --> 00:16:56,793
There should be
some type of reparation...
413
00:16:58,043 --> 00:17:00,043
Money, okay?
414
00:17:01,043 --> 00:17:03,168
I feel the same way,
but I'd like the land, though.
415
00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:05,001
You want the land,
not the money?
416
00:17:05,085 --> 00:17:06,043
Yeah.
417
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,918
You know you can buy land
with money, don't you?
418
00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:10,251
[laughing]
419
00:17:10,585 --> 00:17:12,168
I'll beat the [bleep]
out of one of you [bleep].
420
00:17:12,251 --> 00:17:14,543
Heh-heh-heh-hey,
that's right.
421
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,126
You didn't think
a fat [bleep] like me
422
00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:20,043
could throw combinations,
I'm from the streets.
423
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:21,210
Respect mine.