1 00:00:02,251 --> 00:00:04,293 ♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪ 2 00:00:04,376 --> 00:00:06,585 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 3 00:00:06,668 --> 00:00:08,168 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Ow ♪ 4 00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:10,793 ♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪ 5 00:00:11,376 --> 00:00:12,460 ♪ Woo-hoo ♪ 6 00:00:12,543 --> 00:00:13,626 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 7 00:00:16,335 --> 00:00:17,710 Let's start the show. 8 00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:22,543 [announcer] Dave Chappelle! 9 00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:27,043 [cheering and applauding] 10 00:00:30,460 --> 00:00:31,543 Damn, that was nice. 11 00:00:32,710 --> 00:00:33,668 Thanks, y'all. 12 00:00:34,793 --> 00:00:36,668 Oh, be comfortable, relax, everyone. 13 00:00:36,751 --> 00:00:38,001 Thanks for coming out, man. 14 00:00:38,085 --> 00:00:39,376 You guys are so nice. 15 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,210 Make ya feel good having your own T.V. show. 16 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:44,501 That's a good thing, man, you have your own show, 17 00:00:44,585 --> 00:00:46,126 all these opportunities just open up. 18 00:00:46,668 --> 00:00:48,043 Like, recently, I'm not bragging-- 19 00:00:48,626 --> 00:00:50,710 Q.V.C., I don't know if you watch it. 20 00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:53,043 They offered me my own line of clothing. 21 00:00:54,251 --> 00:00:55,293 Now, I almost did it. 22 00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:57,293 The only reason I didn't do it 23 00:00:57,376 --> 00:00:58,918 was not because I don't like their products, 24 00:00:59,001 --> 00:01:00,251 as much as I just don't like the way 25 00:01:00,335 --> 00:01:02,251 they conduct themselves on the network. 26 00:01:02,085 --> 00:01:03,460 They're just gross, man. 27 00:01:03,543 --> 00:01:05,001 They just nasty people. 28 00:01:05,501 --> 00:01:07,793 I don't know if you watch it. This was on just last night. 29 00:01:07,876 --> 00:01:09,168 We taped it just for the show. 30 00:01:09,251 --> 00:01:10,668 Look at this, it's disgusting. 31 00:01:11,876 --> 00:01:13,043 Okay! 32 00:01:13,126 --> 00:01:15,751 I am being told our napkin ring bonanza is over, 33 00:01:15,835 --> 00:01:17,710 we are totally sold out! 34 00:01:17,793 --> 00:01:21,168 Now, Ron, you are actually wearing our next product, 35 00:01:21,251 --> 00:01:23,460 a beautiful Timeco gold wristwatch. 36 00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:24,501 I am, Jessica! 37 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,376 Now, not only is this watch attractive, 38 00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:28,376 it keeps incredible time! 39 00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:32,710 Uh, Ron, uh, I think you have a booger on your hand. 40 00:01:34,251 --> 00:01:35,876 You're right, Jessica, I do! 41 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,126 Ha, ha, ha! 42 00:01:38,751 --> 00:01:40,210 Better get rid of it, before one of our customers 43 00:01:40,293 --> 00:01:41,335 Bids on it! 44 00:01:41,418 --> 00:01:44,043 I'll start the bidding at $9.95. 45 00:01:45,251 --> 00:01:46,293 Sold! 46 00:01:49,126 --> 00:01:50,126 You dick. 47 00:01:52,251 --> 00:01:53,085 Pretty damn bad, huh? 48 00:01:53,543 --> 00:01:54,668 It gets worse. 49 00:01:55,585 --> 00:01:56,501 Look at this one. 50 00:01:57,210 --> 00:01:58,793 Okay, now, I'm hearing we've gotta move on 51 00:01:58,876 --> 00:02:00,168 to our next product. 52 00:02:00,251 --> 00:02:03,418 Now, we have a beautiful set of cubic zirconia earrings 53 00:02:03,501 --> 00:02:05,835 that one of our models, Tammy, is modeling. 54 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,710 -Oh, very nice. -Nice, huh? 55 00:02:08,210 --> 00:02:10,085 Oh, Tammy. 56 00:02:11,126 --> 00:02:13,168 Looks like someone's having a herpes outbreak. 57 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:18,293 It's not genital herpes, it's just a cold sore! 58 00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:20,168 No, that's genital herpes. 59 00:02:20,585 --> 00:02:23,210 Believe me, I should know, I've had it since 1979. 60 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,501 Remember that place in-- 61 00:02:27,335 --> 00:02:29,210 I don't know where they get them models from. 62 00:02:30,210 --> 00:02:31,210 Now, this next one-- 63 00:02:31,710 --> 00:02:33,793 This one made me actually wanna spit up. 64 00:02:34,543 --> 00:02:35,918 Observe. 65 00:02:36,001 --> 00:02:39,335 Okay, our sportswear tsunami continues to gather strength. 66 00:02:39,418 --> 00:02:41,126 We have more ladies' bathing suits. 67 00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:43,418 This is a beautiful Bikini on Bonnie. 68 00:02:44,210 --> 00:02:45,835 Whoa! 69 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:48,918 It's a jungle down there. 70 00:02:49,126 --> 00:02:50,876 [Tarzan yell] 71 00:02:52,001 --> 00:02:53,626 Me Jane. She hairy. 72 00:02:54,293 --> 00:02:55,710 The rugs don't quite match the drapes, 73 00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:56,710 have you noticed that? 74 00:02:57,251 --> 00:02:59,918 [applauding] 75 00:03:01,418 --> 00:03:02,960 That was fuckin' gross and hairy, man. 76 00:03:03,085 --> 00:03:05,043 That just looks so nasty, doesn't it? 77 00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:07,918 What would you do if you seen that lady? 78 00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:10,210 Would you run? 79 00:03:10,751 --> 00:03:12,335 Most niggas would be like-- 80 00:03:16,751 --> 00:03:18,085 Gotta do what I gotta do, son. 81 00:03:19,751 --> 00:03:22,126 We all have our faults, you know. 82 00:03:23,126 --> 00:03:26,001 Now, you guys, I don't know if you guys are big movie buffs, 83 00:03:26,460 --> 00:03:27,543 but I collect DVDs. 84 00:03:27,626 --> 00:03:30,210 For God's sakes, pick this one up. 85 00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:34,543 [narrator] 25 years ago, 86 00:03:35,168 --> 00:03:38,418 an epic motion picture was unleashed on America, 87 00:03:38,876 --> 00:03:42,210 considered one of the most important films in history. 88 00:03:42,751 --> 00:03:46,210 We are now proud to release this masterpiece on DVD 89 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,085 for the very first time. 90 00:03:48,168 --> 00:03:49,460 This one-of-a-kind, 91 00:03:49,543 --> 00:03:52,043 25th anniversary commemorative edition 92 00:03:52,168 --> 00:03:54,876 features extras including cast interviews, 93 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:59,126 director commentary, and never-before-seen outtakes. 94 00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:04,126 Kizzie, behold, the only thing greater than yourself. 95 00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:06,335 Oh, oh! 96 00:04:07,293 --> 00:04:09,210 Oh, I'm-- Hey, I'm sorry. 97 00:04:09,293 --> 00:04:11,376 I told y'all not to give me a real baby. 98 00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:15,210 Pissin' all over me and [beep]. 99 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:19,460 Catch all the gags, spills, and hilarious practical jokes. 100 00:04:19,543 --> 00:04:22,335 ♪ Coming forth to carry me home ♪ 101 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,168 Your name is Toby! 102 00:04:29,085 --> 00:04:31,168 Kunta Kinte! 103 00:04:32,793 --> 00:04:33,918 Oh! 104 00:04:35,126 --> 00:04:38,376 I said, your name is Toby! 105 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,168 Kunta Kinte! 106 00:04:42,293 --> 00:04:43,501 Damn! 107 00:04:43,585 --> 00:04:46,085 Steve, what'd I say about hitting so hard, man? 108 00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:48,043 I'm sorry, are you all right? 109 00:04:48,126 --> 00:04:49,085 You sorry? 110 00:04:49,168 --> 00:04:50,585 I'm gonna show you sorry, man! 111 00:04:50,668 --> 00:04:52,210 I'm gonna show you sorry! 112 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,876 [laughing] 113 00:04:56,210 --> 00:04:57,751 I told y'all he's scared of me! 114 00:05:06,043 --> 00:05:07,793 Hold on, let me get up there. 115 00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:13,001 The Roots 25th anniversary commemorative edition on DVD. 116 00:05:13,085 --> 00:05:14,793 [man] Including all Walbog's ! 117 00:05:16,126 --> 00:05:17,751 We'll be right back, with more Chappelle's Show. 118 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,168 Don't go anywhere. 119 00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:22,626 ♪ Chappelle's Show, Ow ♪ 120 00:05:22,710 --> 00:05:24,376 [applause] 121 00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:26,168 Hey, hey, welcome back! 122 00:05:27,043 --> 00:05:29,960 You all know this is not my first show? 123 00:05:31,043 --> 00:05:32,210 Did you know that? 124 00:05:32,918 --> 00:05:34,835 No, I've had several attempts, man. 125 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,585 Uh, I actually, my first-- 126 00:05:36,668 --> 00:05:38,210 My first show that ever got on the air 127 00:05:38,293 --> 00:05:41,293 was the ill-fated buddies, on A.B.C. 128 00:05:42,126 --> 00:05:43,543 The thing that was wrong with that show 129 00:05:43,626 --> 00:05:46,085 was it was just irrelevant and not funny 130 00:05:47,293 --> 00:05:49,876 by me having a white friend, like, "how incredible, 131 00:05:50,626 --> 00:05:52,751 look at 'em, talking and laughing together." 132 00:05:53,835 --> 00:05:55,043 And then, I did a show after that 133 00:05:55,126 --> 00:05:57,460 that almost got to the air, but then I got sued 134 00:05:58,126 --> 00:05:59,960 'cause it was a reality show. 135 00:06:00,251 --> 00:06:01,751 it was raw and gritty. 136 00:06:02,126 --> 00:06:05,085 You know, one of them hidden camera shows, 137 00:06:05,168 --> 00:06:07,460 like totally hidden video or something like this. 138 00:06:07,876 --> 00:06:10,085 Mine was like that, but it was raw! 139 00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:11,668 Like life! 140 00:06:12,543 --> 00:06:13,751 I didn't wanna hit 'em soft. 141 00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:15,876 Mine was supposed to be hard and real! 142 00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:19,460 I got some clips I'll show you. 143 00:06:20,751 --> 00:06:22,543 [announcer] Coming this fall, on The W.B.: 144 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,293 Look out, Jamie Kennedy! 145 00:06:24,376 --> 00:06:26,376 There's a new video prankster in town, 146 00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:29,293 and he goes by the name, Dave Chappelle! 147 00:06:29,376 --> 00:06:30,210 Zapped ! 148 00:06:31,293 --> 00:06:33,126 Watch the look on these kids' faces 149 00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:35,626 when Dave tells them their parents are dead. 150 00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:36,918 How're you kids doing? 151 00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:41,751 Well, kids, a doctor's job is hard, 152 00:06:42,210 --> 00:06:43,585 and it never gets harder than telling you guys 153 00:06:43,668 --> 00:06:45,126 that your parents are dead. 154 00:06:45,210 --> 00:06:48,585 [children crying] 155 00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:55,085 [laughing] 156 00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:58,501 Foster care is coming to pick you guys up, 157 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,668 and somebody's gonna adopt you, right like this! 158 00:07:00,751 --> 00:07:01,668 I would. 159 00:07:01,751 --> 00:07:03,168 All right, guys, be good. 160 00:07:03,668 --> 00:07:04,668 Be good to each other. 161 00:07:04,751 --> 00:07:06,168 Hopefully, they don't split you up. 162 00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:07,126 All right, take care. 163 00:07:08,085 --> 00:07:09,543 Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you... 164 00:07:10,335 --> 00:07:11,460 Psych! 165 00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:13,126 I'm just kidding, come on out, mom and dad, 166 00:07:13,585 --> 00:07:14,710 come on out. 167 00:07:15,126 --> 00:07:16,876 Why did you do this to us? 168 00:07:19,001 --> 00:07:20,210 Y'all been zapped! 169 00:07:21,626 --> 00:07:23,168 Look out, America, 170 00:07:23,251 --> 00:07:26,376 'cause when Dave Chappelle's around, you might get zapped! 171 00:07:30,876 --> 00:07:32,085 Julie! 172 00:07:32,168 --> 00:07:33,460 What up, playboy? 173 00:07:33,543 --> 00:07:35,085 Damn it, how could you do this to me? 174 00:07:36,293 --> 00:07:38,210 You've wasted eight years of my life! 175 00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:40,251 Oh, come on, man, with all that shouting. 176 00:07:41,251 --> 00:07:42,668 Dave Chappelle? 177 00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:46,085 Jeez, Julie, why don't you just fuck J.J.? 178 00:07:47,335 --> 00:07:48,418 J.J.? 179 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:52,251 I ain't J.J., but it was dyn-o-mite! 180 00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:55,126 While we're on the subject, 181 00:07:55,210 --> 00:07:56,960 I've been sleeping with my secretary 182 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,460 for the last three and a half years. 183 00:07:59,085 --> 00:08:00,210 What? 184 00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:02,918 This wasn't real, this was fake! 185 00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:04,293 Well, what's that in his pants? 186 00:08:04,376 --> 00:08:05,668 It's a dildo, dawg! 187 00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:09,918 You have been zapped! 188 00:08:11,710 --> 00:08:14,085 Dave Chappelle, you have ruined my life! 189 00:08:14,251 --> 00:08:15,835 [laughing] 190 00:08:16,835 --> 00:08:19,168 [cheering and applauding] 191 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,918 Now, the next one is the one that really 192 00:08:24,001 --> 00:08:25,418 got me in a lot more trouble. 193 00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,043 This is when the heat got turned up. 194 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:28,335 Observe. 195 00:08:31,126 --> 00:08:32,460 Zapped! 196 00:08:32,543 --> 00:08:34,793 All right, everybody, get on the fucking floor! 197 00:08:34,876 --> 00:08:35,960 This is a robbery! 198 00:08:36,251 --> 00:08:37,835 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 199 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,460 Stay cool, big time, stay cool! 200 00:08:39,543 --> 00:08:41,335 Don't you move, baby! 201 00:08:41,418 --> 00:08:44,168 You've got 20 seconds to fill this bag with cash. 202 00:08:44,251 --> 00:08:45,793 I don't wanna see a peep outta you. 203 00:08:45,876 --> 00:08:48,376 Hey, big time, what you looking at my face for? 204 00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:50,210 That's against the protocol of robbery! 205 00:08:50,293 --> 00:08:51,585 You think it's a fuckin' game? 206 00:08:51,668 --> 00:08:53,126 Shoot this motherfucka. 207 00:08:53,210 --> 00:08:54,668 [shooting] 208 00:08:57,835 --> 00:08:59,085 [barking] 209 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,751 Please, I have a family. 210 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,335 Oh, you got a family? 211 00:09:06,418 --> 00:09:07,585 Well, guess what? 212 00:09:07,668 --> 00:09:09,293 I eat cottage cheese for dinner, all right? 213 00:09:09,668 --> 00:09:11,085 With salt and pepper. 214 00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:12,210 You understand? 215 00:09:12,293 --> 00:09:13,460 Now, I'm getting outta here. 216 00:09:13,543 --> 00:09:14,918 I wanna tell y'all something... 217 00:09:17,043 --> 00:09:18,043 You've been zapped! 218 00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,501 [laughing] 219 00:09:22,793 --> 00:09:24,251 Freeze, right there! 220 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,001 -Look, we just doing a show-- -[gunshot] 221 00:09:26,126 --> 00:09:27,126 Ow! 222 00:09:29,376 --> 00:09:30,585 Damn, I got hit! 223 00:09:32,251 --> 00:09:33,835 I didn't have nothing to do with that. 224 00:09:34,918 --> 00:09:36,210 Sorry. 225 00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:38,085 Be prepared to get zapped 226 00:09:38,168 --> 00:09:39,626 Thursdays at 8:30. 227 00:09:39,710 --> 00:09:41,210 This fall, on the W.B. ! 228 00:09:41,626 --> 00:09:43,543 ♪ Mammy ♪ 229 00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,126 [moaning] 230 00:09:48,918 --> 00:09:51,668 What, I can't make fun of that fucking frog? 231 00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:53,668 Fuck that frog. 232 00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,793 They don't be doing that on white networks. 233 00:09:55,876 --> 00:09:57,126 As soon as a black network-- 234 00:09:57,210 --> 00:09:58,585 ♪ At the Dubba W.B. ♪ 235 00:10:00,085 --> 00:10:02,251 ♪ I like chicken... ♪ 236 00:10:04,543 --> 00:10:06,043 That's the most racist shit ever. 237 00:10:07,626 --> 00:10:11,460 ♪ Welcome back, niggers, to the W.B. ♪ 238 00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:15,043 Hey, don't go anywhere, we'll be right back, 239 00:10:15,126 --> 00:10:17,168 with more of this Chappelle's Show. 240 00:10:17,251 --> 00:10:19,626 Yes, yes, we will! 241 00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:26,043 Go ahead! 242 00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,751 [applauding] 243 00:10:29,918 --> 00:10:31,251 Welcome back. 244 00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:38,418 This next piece is, uh, from my Masterpiece Theater archives. 245 00:10:38,876 --> 00:10:42,210 It's actually dedicated to women who don't appreciate 246 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:44,460 Their God-given assets. 247 00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:47,793 I tell you ladies, especially y'all at home watchin', 248 00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:49,960 appreciate your bodies for what they are 249 00:10:50,043 --> 00:10:52,376 'cause you never know who might be likin' 'em. 250 00:10:59,168 --> 00:11:00,710 What's with all the stretching? 251 00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:04,293 Oh, you know the old adage: big boobs, bad back. 252 00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:06,335 Yeah, all set? 253 00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:09,085 I'm a little worried, I didn't have a clean sports bra 254 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,126 so I had to wear a regular one. 255 00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:11,835 You'll be fine, let's go. 256 00:11:13,501 --> 00:11:16,085 [beating drums] 257 00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:18,960 Oh, don't worry, Sheila, I'm sure nobody notices. 258 00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:19,918 Really? 259 00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:20,793 Yeah. 260 00:11:20,876 --> 00:11:22,001 [man] Look at that lady. 261 00:11:22,126 --> 00:11:24,126 Yeah, her bosoms are, like, bouncin' around and everything. 262 00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:26,251 They're not talking about you. 263 00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:28,668 Sweet Jesus, did you see the jugs on that brunette? 264 00:11:28,751 --> 00:11:29,668 [man] Yeah! 265 00:11:30,085 --> 00:11:31,543 I'm gonna go in. 266 00:11:31,626 --> 00:11:32,835 Sheila, it's okay. 267 00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:34,001 It's not okay! 268 00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:35,501 Ow! 269 00:11:35,585 --> 00:11:37,168 It's not okay! 270 00:11:39,085 --> 00:11:40,210 Stupid boobs. 271 00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:42,835 Nothing but an inconvenience. 272 00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:44,960 I wish I didn't have 'em! 273 00:11:45,043 --> 00:11:46,210 Ow. 274 00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:50,293 Agh! 275 00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:52,501 Careful what you wish for. 276 00:11:52,585 --> 00:11:54,376 What? Who are you? 277 00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:56,543 Who I am is not important, 278 00:11:57,376 --> 00:11:59,960 but what you said about those titties is. 279 00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,626 Follow me. 280 00:12:04,085 --> 00:12:05,626 [bells ringing] 281 00:12:05,710 --> 00:12:07,210 [Dave] It's easy, try it. 282 00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:09,418 [Sheila] Hey, that's me 283 00:12:09,876 --> 00:12:12,543 and that's Frank, the human resources man at my office. 284 00:12:12,626 --> 00:12:14,043 He's always slobbering over me. 285 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:15,460 Not today. 286 00:12:16,251 --> 00:12:19,085 So that's why I think I'm qualified for the promotion. 287 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,126 Yeah, well, um... we'll see. 288 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,668 Why is he being so dismissive? 289 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,251 What happened to my boobs? 290 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,251 Oh, you just answered your own question. 291 00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,626 Them boobies is gone, girl, just like you wished for. 292 00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:39,418 How did it go? 293 00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:40,501 Not well. 294 00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:43,001 That woman was a flat-chested bore. 295 00:12:43,085 --> 00:12:44,793 Our clients will never respond to her. 296 00:12:45,335 --> 00:12:47,293 For Pete's sake, she's got no melons. 297 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,168 So, should I tell her she's not getting the promotion? 298 00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:52,460 Yes. 299 00:12:53,043 --> 00:12:55,418 In fact, tell that titless freak she's fired. 300 00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:56,793 Oh, I'm on it. 301 00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,668 Oh, are guys really like that? 302 00:12:59,668 --> 00:13:00,668 No. 303 00:13:00,751 --> 00:13:02,168 My guy friends aren't like that. 304 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,376 [laughing] 305 00:13:06,168 --> 00:13:08,626 -Boo-yah! -[Sheila] Hey, look, it's Paul. 306 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,960 He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend. 307 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:17,460 Hey, buddy, I have a painting I need to hang up in my bedroom, 308 00:13:17,543 --> 00:13:18,376 Do you think you could help? 309 00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:20,418 Wow, I didn't even know we were buddies. 310 00:13:21,418 --> 00:13:23,251 I always thought I was your personal handyman 311 00:13:23,085 --> 00:13:25,501 'cause you're constantly asking me for favors 312 00:13:25,585 --> 00:13:26,501 that I don't want to do. 313 00:13:27,001 --> 00:13:27,918 You know what you need? 314 00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:29,710 A new set of titties and a boyfriend, 315 00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:31,876 then you'll be all set, alright? 316 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,168 What's gotten into him? 317 00:13:36,876 --> 00:13:38,751 Well, it's not what's gotten into him 318 00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:41,168 as much as it is what's gotten out of you. 319 00:13:41,668 --> 00:13:44,085 By that, of course, I mean your massive milk bladders. 320 00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:45,751 Paul, wait! 321 00:13:45,835 --> 00:13:47,085 I still have big boobs! 322 00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:48,960 He can't see you. 323 00:13:49,210 --> 00:13:50,126 We'll see about that! 324 00:13:50,876 --> 00:13:52,001 [jingling] 325 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:55,585 He can't see you, 326 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,043 but my black ass got 20/20 vision. 327 00:13:58,126 --> 00:13:59,626 God damn, Sheila! 328 00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:00,751 You men are the worst. 329 00:14:02,043 --> 00:14:03,043 You're right. 330 00:14:03,126 --> 00:14:05,001 Oh, my gosh, Sheila, you are right. 331 00:14:05,501 --> 00:14:06,918 Women, the fairer sex, 332 00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:09,126 they would never ever judge another woman 333 00:14:09,210 --> 00:14:11,126 by the size of her boobies, now would they? 334 00:14:13,168 --> 00:14:14,043 Mazel Tov! 335 00:14:16,418 --> 00:14:18,001 Hey, wait, those are my friends. 336 00:14:18,293 --> 00:14:20,001 Oh, word? 337 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,335 Where's Sheila? 338 00:14:21,418 --> 00:14:23,126 Wasn't she supposed to be a bridesmaid? 339 00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:24,710 Oh, I was gonna have her be one, 340 00:14:25,085 --> 00:14:27,543 then I thought, "Am I getting bridesmaids, 341 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,251 or starting an itty-bitty titty committee?" 342 00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:32,126 -Oh! -[laughing] 343 00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:35,501 I didn't even invite her to my wedding. 344 00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,460 Oh, snap! 345 00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:41,335 How could she do that? 346 00:14:42,376 --> 00:14:44,126 'Cause your friends are bitches! 347 00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:49,043 Besides, Sheila, even girls love girls with huge tits, 348 00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:50,793 especially at a wedding. 349 00:14:51,043 --> 00:14:53,126 The groom's friends gotta have somebody to sleep with. 350 00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:56,085 I had no idea these things were so important. 351 00:14:56,335 --> 00:14:59,293 Oh, keep it real, girl, them things are lifesavers. 352 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,001 Listen, I didn't want to put this on you, 353 00:15:02,085 --> 00:15:03,126 but the fate of the world-- 354 00:15:03,835 --> 00:15:07,043 You hear me, the world rests on them chesticles! 355 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,210 -Shazam! -[ringing alarm] 356 00:15:12,293 --> 00:15:15,210 Hey, where do I know that crazy guy from? 357 00:15:16,126 --> 00:15:17,751 He used to live next door to you. 358 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,168 You know, masturbating to you and those giant cans of yours 359 00:15:21,251 --> 00:15:22,751 was all he had to live for. 360 00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:24,626 Once you took that away, 361 00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:27,168 he lost his mind and blew up the world! 362 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:28,793 Thanks a lot, Sheila. 363 00:15:28,876 --> 00:15:31,043 No, no, no! 364 00:15:31,543 --> 00:15:33,126 I don't want the world to end 365 00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:35,210 just because of my sweater puppets! 366 00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,251 Oh, that's a beautiful thought. 367 00:15:37,793 --> 00:15:39,251 You should've thought about that 368 00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:40,960 before you wished them sweet tits away. 369 00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:43,626 World's going to end in about 10 seconds... 370 00:15:44,251 --> 00:15:47,168 which is just enough time to suck a titty, 371 00:15:47,251 --> 00:15:49,251 but where would I find a titty from? 372 00:15:49,085 --> 00:15:52,376 I don't-- Well, hey, it's Sheila! 373 00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:55,543 -[screaming] -[explosion] 374 00:16:04,793 --> 00:16:07,501 You've taught me a valuable lesson today. 375 00:16:09,126 --> 00:16:12,210 I'm never going to curse my fun bags again. 376 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,918 In fact, I might even get implants. 377 00:16:17,293 --> 00:16:18,335 All right. 378 00:16:19,335 --> 00:16:20,460 You listen, world, 379 00:16:21,085 --> 00:16:25,210 I've got humongoid knockers, and I'm proud of them. 380 00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:28,168 [jingle] 381 00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:31,126 Thanks, mister. 382 00:16:32,126 --> 00:16:33,460 You must be an angel or something. 383 00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:35,210 Angel? 384 00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:37,085 I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor. 385 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,210 Then how did you show me all those places? 386 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,251 Girl, I am high on PCP. 387 00:16:45,876 --> 00:16:47,626 I was gonna ask you how you was following me. 388 00:16:48,210 --> 00:16:50,376 You smoke Sherm-- a little Sherman? 389 00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,918 No...uh, who are you? 390 00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:56,126 I'm just a nigga that love titties. 391 00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:57,626 Have a good day, miss. 392 00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:01,210 [whistling] 393 00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:07,001 All right, everybody, we'll take a quick commercial break 394 00:17:07,085 --> 00:17:09,210 so you guys can throw up or do whatever you have to do, 395 00:17:09,043 --> 00:17:11,626 and then we'll be back with more Chappelle's Show. 396 00:17:11,710 --> 00:17:13,251 Hooray! 397 00:17:13,085 --> 00:17:15,335 [cheering] 398 00:17:17,168 --> 00:17:18,376 Man, I'm bored. 399 00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:20,210 I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show. 400 00:17:21,168 --> 00:17:23,210 To my audience here and my audience at home, 401 00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:24,460 God bless you all, man. 402 00:17:24,876 --> 00:17:26,835 God bless America. I'm out! 403 00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:28,210 [applause] 404 00:17:28,751 --> 00:17:30,460 I'm rich, biatch! 405 00:17:30,543 --> 00:17:31,460 [horn honks] 406 00:17:31,543 --> 00:17:32,585 Hi, thank you. 407 00:17:38,251 --> 00:17:40,251 Now I gotta get up, wash all this blood off me, 408 00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:42,626 and still get to the club before last call 409 00:17:43,043 --> 00:17:45,668 'cause it's Friday night! 410 00:17:46,793 --> 00:17:48,751 [laughing] 411 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:49,585 The W.B. ! 412 00:17:50,293 --> 00:17:52,043 W.B. ? 413 00:17:52,126 --> 00:17:54,418 Man, you told me this [bleep] was for HBO., man. 414 00:17:55,418 --> 00:17:57,001 Ain't dying for no damn W.B. 415 00:17:57,335 --> 00:17:58,585 Look, it's Paul. 416 00:17:59,210 --> 00:18:01,626 He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend. 417 00:18:02,418 --> 00:18:03,376 Word? 418 00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:05,751 I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, what did you say? 419 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,918 I had some titties on my neck.