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♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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[cheering and applauding]
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Damn, that was nice.
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Thanks, y'all.
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Oh, be comfortable,
relax, everyone.
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Thanks for coming out, man.
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You guys are so nice.
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Make ya feel good having
your own T.V. show.
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That's a good thing, man,
you have your own show,
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all these opportunities
just open up.
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Like, recently,
I'm not bragging--
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Q.V.C., I don't know if
you watch it.
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They offered me
my own line of clothing.
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Now, I almost did it.
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The only reason I didn't do it
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was not because
I don't like their products,
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as much as I just don't
like the way
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they conduct
themselves on the network.
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They're just gross, man.
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They just nasty people.
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I don't know if you watch it.
This was on just last night.
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We taped it just for the show.
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Look at this, it's disgusting.
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Okay!
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I am being told our
napkin ring bonanza is over,
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we are totally sold out!
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Now, Ron, you are actually
wearing our next product,
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a beautiful
Timeco gold wristwatch.
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I am, Jessica!
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Now, not only is this watch
attractive,
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it keeps incredible time!
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Uh, Ron, uh, I think you
have a booger on your hand.
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You're right, Jessica, I do!
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Ha, ha, ha!
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Better get rid of it,
before one of our customers
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Bids on it!
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I'll start the bidding at $9.95.
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Sold!
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You dick.
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Pretty damn bad, huh?
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It gets worse.
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Look at this one.
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Okay, now, I'm hearing
we've gotta move on
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to our next product.
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Now, we have a beautiful
set of cubic zirconia earrings
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that one of our models,
Tammy, is modeling.
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-Oh, very nice.
-Nice, huh?
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Oh, Tammy.
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Looks like someone's having
a herpes outbreak.
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It's not genital herpes,
it's just a cold sore!
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No, that's genital herpes.
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Believe me, I should know,
I've had it since 1979.
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Remember that place in--
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I don't know where they
get them models from.
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Now, this next one--
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This one made me
actually wanna spit up.
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Observe.
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Okay, our sportswear tsunami
continues to gather strength.
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We have more ladies'
bathing suits.
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This is a beautiful
Bikini on Bonnie.
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Whoa!
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It's a jungle down there.
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[Tarzan yell]
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Me Jane.
She hairy.
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The rugs don't quite
match the drapes,
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have you noticed that?
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[applauding]
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That was fuckin'
gross and hairy, man.
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That just looks so nasty,
doesn't it?
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What would you do
if you seen that lady?
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Would you run?
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Most niggas would be like--
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Gotta do what I gotta do, son.
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We all have our faults,
you know.
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Now, you guys, I don't know if
you guys are big movie buffs,
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but I collect DVDs.
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For God's sakes,
pick this one up.
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[narrator] 25 years ago,
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an epic motion picture was
unleashed on America,
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considered one of the most
important films in history.
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We are now proud to release
this masterpiece on DVD
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for the very first time.
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This one-of-a-kind,
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25th anniversary
commemorative edition
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features extras including
cast interviews,
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director commentary,
and never-before-seen outtakes.
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Kizzie, behold, the only thing
greater than yourself.
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Oh, oh!
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Oh, I'm--
Hey, I'm sorry.
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I told y'all not to
give me a real baby.
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Pissin' all over me and [beep].
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Catch all the gags, spills,
and hilarious practical jokes.
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♪ Coming forth
to carry me home ♪
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Your name is Toby!
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Kunta Kinte!
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Oh!
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I said, your name is Toby!
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Kunta Kinte!
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Damn!
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Steve, what'd I say about
hitting so hard, man?
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I'm sorry, are you all right?
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You sorry?
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I'm gonna show
you sorry, man!
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I'm gonna show you sorry!
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[laughing]
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I told y'all he's scared of me!
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Hold on, let me get up there.
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The Roots 25th anniversary
commemorative edition on DVD.
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[man] Including all Walbog's !
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We'll be right back, with more
Chappelle's Show.
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Don't go anywhere.
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♪ Chappelle's Show,
Ow ♪
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[applause]
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Hey, hey, welcome back!
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You all know this is not
my first show?
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Did you know that?
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No, I've had several attempts,
man.
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Uh, I actually, my first--
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My first show
that ever got on the air
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was the ill-fated buddies,
on A.B.C.
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The thing that was wrong
with that show
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was it was just
irrelevant and not funny
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by me having a white friend,
like, "how incredible,
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look at 'em, talking
and laughing together."
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And then, I did a show
after that
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that almost got to the air,
but then I got sued
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'cause it was a reality show.
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it was raw and gritty.
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You know, one of
them hidden camera shows,
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like totally hidden video
or something like this.
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Mine was like that,
but it was raw!
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Like life!
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I didn't wanna hit 'em soft.
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Mine was supposed
to be hard and real!
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I got some clips
I'll show you.
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[announcer] Coming this fall,
on The W.B.:
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Look out, Jamie Kennedy!
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There's a new video prankster
in town,
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and he goes by
the name, Dave Chappelle!
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Zapped !
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Watch the look
on these kids' faces
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when Dave tells them their
parents are dead.
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How're you kids doing?
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Well, kids, a doctor's job
is hard,
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and it never gets harder
than telling you guys
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that your parents are dead.
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[children crying]
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[laughing]
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Foster care is
coming to pick you guys up,
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and somebody's gonna adopt you,
right like this!
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I would.
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All right, guys, be good.
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Be good to each other.
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Hopefully, they don't
split you up.
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All right, take care.
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Oh, by the way,
I forgot to tell you...
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Psych!
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I'm just kidding,
come on out, mom and dad,
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come on out.
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Why did you do this to us?
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Y'all been zapped!
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Look out, America,
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'cause when Dave Chappelle's
around, you might get zapped!
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Julie!
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What up, playboy?
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Damn it, how could
you do this to me?
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You've wasted eight years
of my life!
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Oh, come on, man,
with all that shouting.
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Dave Chappelle?
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Jeez, Julie,
why don't you just fuck J.J.?
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J.J.?
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I ain't J.J.,
but it was dyn-o-mite!
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While we're on the subject,
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I've been sleeping with
my secretary
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for the last
three and a half years.
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What?
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This wasn't real,
this was fake!
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Well, what's that in his pants?
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It's a dildo, dawg!
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You have been zapped!
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Dave Chappelle,
you have ruined my life!
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[laughing]
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[cheering and applauding]
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Now, the next one is
the one that really
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got me in a lot more trouble.
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This is when the heat
got turned up.
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Observe.
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Zapped!
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All right, everybody,
get on the fucking floor!
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This is a robbery!
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Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!
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Stay cool, big time, stay cool!
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Don't you move, baby!
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You've got 20 seconds to
fill this bag with cash.
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I don't wanna
see a peep outta you.
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Hey, big time, what you looking
at my face for?
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That's against
the protocol of robbery!
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You think it's a fuckin' game?
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Shoot this motherfucka.
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[shooting]
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[barking]
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00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,751
Please, I have a family.
210
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,335
Oh, you got a family?
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00:09:06,418 --> 00:09:07,585
Well, guess what?
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00:09:07,668 --> 00:09:09,293
I eat cottage cheese
for dinner, all right?
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00:09:09,668 --> 00:09:11,085
With salt and pepper.
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00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:12,210
You understand?
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00:09:12,293 --> 00:09:13,460
Now, I'm getting outta here.
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I wanna tell y'all something...
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You've been zapped!
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00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,501
[laughing]
219
00:09:22,793 --> 00:09:24,251
Freeze, right there!
220
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,001
-Look, we just doing a show--
-[gunshot]
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Ow!
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Damn, I got hit!
223
00:09:32,251 --> 00:09:33,835
I didn't have
nothing to do with that.
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Sorry.
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00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:38,085
Be prepared to get zapped
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00:09:38,168 --> 00:09:39,626
Thursdays at 8:30.
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This fall, on the W.B. !
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♪ Mammy ♪
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00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,126
[moaning]
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What, I can't make fun of
that fucking frog?
231
00:09:52,501 --> 00:09:53,668
Fuck that frog.
232
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,793
They don't be doing
that on white networks.
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As soon as a black network--
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♪ At the Dubba W.B. ♪
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♪ I like chicken... ♪
236
00:10:04,543 --> 00:10:06,043
That's the most racist shit
ever.
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00:10:07,626 --> 00:10:11,460
♪ Welcome back, niggers,
to the W.B. ♪
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00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:15,043
Hey, don't go anywhere,
we'll be right back,
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00:10:15,126 --> 00:10:17,168
with more of this
Chappelle's Show.
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Yes, yes, we will!
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Go ahead!
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[applauding]
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Welcome back.
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This next piece is, uh, from my
Masterpiece Theater archives.
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00:10:38,876 --> 00:10:42,210
It's actually dedicated
to women who don't appreciate
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Their God-given assets.
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I tell you ladies, especially
y'all at home watchin',
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00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:49,960
appreciate your
bodies for what they are
249
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'cause you never know who
might be likin' 'em.
250
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What's with all the stretching?
251
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:04,293
Oh, you know the old adage:
big boobs, bad back.
252
00:11:05,085 --> 00:11:06,335
Yeah, all set?
253
00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:09,085
I'm a little worried, I didn't
have a clean sports bra
254
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,126
so I had to
wear a regular one.
255
00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:11,835
You'll be fine, let's go.
256
00:11:13,501 --> 00:11:16,085
[beating drums]
257
00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:18,960
Oh, don't worry, Sheila,
I'm sure nobody notices.
258
00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:19,918
Really?
259
00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:20,793
Yeah.
260
00:11:20,876 --> 00:11:22,001
[man] Look at that lady.
261
00:11:22,126 --> 00:11:24,126
Yeah, her bosoms are, like,
bouncin' around and everything.
262
00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:26,251
They're not talking about you.
263
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:28,668
Sweet Jesus, did you see
the jugs on that brunette?
264
00:11:28,751 --> 00:11:29,668
[man] Yeah!
265
00:11:30,085 --> 00:11:31,543
I'm gonna go in.
266
00:11:31,626 --> 00:11:32,835
Sheila, it's okay.
267
00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:34,001
It's not okay!
268
00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:35,501
Ow!
269
00:11:35,585 --> 00:11:37,168
It's not okay!
270
00:11:39,085 --> 00:11:40,210
Stupid boobs.
271
00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:42,835
Nothing but an inconvenience.
272
00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:44,960
I wish I didn't have 'em!
273
00:11:45,043 --> 00:11:46,210
Ow.
274
00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:50,293
Agh!
275
00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:52,501
Careful what you wish for.
276
00:11:52,585 --> 00:11:54,376
What?
Who are you?
277
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:56,543
Who I am is not important,
278
00:11:57,376 --> 00:11:59,960
but what you said about
those titties is.
279
00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,626
Follow me.
280
00:12:04,085 --> 00:12:05,626
[bells ringing]
281
00:12:05,710 --> 00:12:07,210
[Dave] It's easy, try it.
282
00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:09,418
[Sheila] Hey, that's me
283
00:12:09,876 --> 00:12:12,543
and that's Frank, the human
resources man at my office.
284
00:12:12,626 --> 00:12:14,043
He's always slobbering over me.
285
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:15,460
Not today.
286
00:12:16,251 --> 00:12:19,085
So that's why I think
I'm qualified for the promotion.
287
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,126
Yeah, well, um...
we'll see.
288
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,668
Why is he being so dismissive?
289
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,251
What happened to my boobs?
290
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,251
Oh, you just answered
your own question.
291
00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,626
Them boobies is gone,
girl, just like you wished for.
292
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:39,418
How did it go?
293
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:40,501
Not well.
294
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:43,001
That woman was
a flat-chested bore.
295
00:12:43,085 --> 00:12:44,793
Our clients will never respond
to her.
296
00:12:45,335 --> 00:12:47,293
For Pete's sake,
she's got no melons.
297
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,168
So, should I tell her she's not
getting the promotion?
298
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:52,460
Yes.
299
00:12:53,043 --> 00:12:55,418
In fact, tell that
titless freak she's fired.
300
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:56,793
Oh, I'm on it.
301
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,668
Oh, are guys really like that?
302
00:12:59,668 --> 00:13:00,668
No.
303
00:13:00,751 --> 00:13:02,168
My guy friends aren't
like that.
304
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,376
[laughing]
305
00:13:06,168 --> 00:13:08,626
-Boo-yah!
-[Sheila] Hey, look, it's Paul.
306
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,960
He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend.
307
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:17,460
Hey, buddy, I have a painting
I need to hang up in my bedroom,
308
00:13:17,543 --> 00:13:18,376
Do you think you could help?
309
00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:20,418
Wow, I didn't even know
we were buddies.
310
00:13:21,418 --> 00:13:23,251
I always thought
I was your personal handyman
311
00:13:23,085 --> 00:13:25,501
'cause you're constantly
asking me for favors
312
00:13:25,585 --> 00:13:26,501
that I don't want to do.
313
00:13:27,001 --> 00:13:27,918
You know what you need?
314
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:29,710
A new set of titties
and a boyfriend,
315
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:31,876
then you'll be all set,
alright?
316
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,168
What's gotten into him?
317
00:13:36,876 --> 00:13:38,751
Well, it's not
what's gotten into him
318
00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:41,168
as much as it is what's
gotten out of you.
319
00:13:41,668 --> 00:13:44,085
By that, of course, I mean
your massive milk bladders.
320
00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:45,751
Paul, wait!
321
00:13:45,835 --> 00:13:47,085
I still have big boobs!
322
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:48,960
He can't see you.
323
00:13:49,210 --> 00:13:50,126
We'll see about that!
324
00:13:50,876 --> 00:13:52,001
[jingling]
325
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:55,585
He can't see you,
326
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,043
but my black ass
got 20/20 vision.
327
00:13:58,126 --> 00:13:59,626
God damn, Sheila!
328
00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:00,751
You men are the worst.
329
00:14:02,043 --> 00:14:03,043
You're right.
330
00:14:03,126 --> 00:14:05,001
Oh, my gosh,
Sheila, you are right.
331
00:14:05,501 --> 00:14:06,918
Women, the fairer sex,
332
00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:09,126
they would never ever
judge another woman
333
00:14:09,210 --> 00:14:11,126
by the size of her boobies,
now would they?
334
00:14:13,168 --> 00:14:14,043
Mazel Tov!
335
00:14:16,418 --> 00:14:18,001
Hey, wait,
those are my friends.
336
00:14:18,293 --> 00:14:20,001
Oh, word?
337
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,335
Where's Sheila?
338
00:14:21,418 --> 00:14:23,126
Wasn't she supposed
to be a bridesmaid?
339
00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:24,710
Oh, I was gonna
have her be one,
340
00:14:25,085 --> 00:14:27,543
then I thought,
"Am I getting bridesmaids,
341
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,251
or starting an itty-bitty
titty committee?"
342
00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:32,126
-Oh!
-[laughing]
343
00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:35,501
I didn't even invite her
to my wedding.
344
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,460
Oh, snap!
345
00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:41,335
How could she do that?
346
00:14:42,376 --> 00:14:44,126
'Cause your friends are bitches!
347
00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:49,043
Besides, Sheila, even girls
love girls with huge tits,
348
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:50,793
especially at a wedding.
349
00:14:51,043 --> 00:14:53,126
The groom's friends gotta have
somebody to sleep with.
350
00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:56,085
I had no idea these
things were so important.
351
00:14:56,335 --> 00:14:59,293
Oh, keep it real, girl,
them things are lifesavers.
352
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,001
Listen, I didn't want to
put this on you,
353
00:15:02,085 --> 00:15:03,126
but the fate of the world--
354
00:15:03,835 --> 00:15:07,043
You hear me, the world rests
on them chesticles!
355
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,210
-Shazam!
-[ringing alarm]
356
00:15:12,293 --> 00:15:15,210
Hey, where do I know
that crazy guy from?
357
00:15:16,126 --> 00:15:17,751
He used to live
next door to you.
358
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:21,168
You know, masturbating to you
and those giant cans of yours
359
00:15:21,251 --> 00:15:22,751
was all he had to live for.
360
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:24,626
Once you took that away,
361
00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:27,168
he lost his mind
and blew up the world!
362
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:28,793
Thanks a lot, Sheila.
363
00:15:28,876 --> 00:15:31,043
No, no, no!
364
00:15:31,543 --> 00:15:33,126
I don't want the world to end
365
00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:35,210
just because of my
sweater puppets!
366
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,251
Oh, that's a beautiful thought.
367
00:15:37,793 --> 00:15:39,251
You should've thought about that
368
00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:40,960
before you wished
them sweet tits away.
369
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:43,626
World's going to end in
about 10 seconds...
370
00:15:44,251 --> 00:15:47,168
which is just enough
time to suck a titty,
371
00:15:47,251 --> 00:15:49,251
but where would I find
a titty from?
372
00:15:49,085 --> 00:15:52,376
I don't--
Well, hey, it's Sheila!
373
00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:55,543
-[screaming]
-[explosion]
374
00:16:04,793 --> 00:16:07,501
You've taught me
a valuable lesson today.
375
00:16:09,126 --> 00:16:12,210
I'm never going to curse
my fun bags again.
376
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,918
In fact, I might even
get implants.
377
00:16:17,293 --> 00:16:18,335
All right.
378
00:16:19,335 --> 00:16:20,460
You listen, world,
379
00:16:21,085 --> 00:16:25,210
I've got humongoid knockers,
and I'm proud of them.
380
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:28,168
[jingle]
381
00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:31,126
Thanks, mister.
382
00:16:32,126 --> 00:16:33,460
You must be an angel
or something.
383
00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:35,210
Angel?
384
00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:37,085
I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor.
385
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,210
Then how did you show me
all those places?
386
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,251
Girl, I am high on PCP.
387
00:16:45,876 --> 00:16:47,626
I was gonna ask you
how you was following me.
388
00:16:48,210 --> 00:16:50,376
You smoke Sherm--
a little Sherman?
389
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,918
No...uh,
who are you?
390
00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:56,126
I'm just a nigga
that love titties.
391
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:57,626
Have a good day, miss.
392
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:01,210
[whistling]
393
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:07,001
All right, everybody, we'll
take a quick commercial break
394
00:17:07,085 --> 00:17:09,210
so you guys can throw up or do
whatever you have to do,
395
00:17:09,043 --> 00:17:11,626
and then we'll be back
with more Chappelle's Show.
396
00:17:11,710 --> 00:17:13,251
Hooray!
397
00:17:13,085 --> 00:17:15,335
[cheering]
398
00:17:17,168 --> 00:17:18,376
Man, I'm bored.
399
00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:20,210
I gotta go
to the Chappelle's Show.
400
00:17:21,168 --> 00:17:23,210
To my audience here
and my audience at home,
401
00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:24,460
God bless you all, man.
402
00:17:24,876 --> 00:17:26,835
God bless America.
I'm out!
403
00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:28,210
[applause]
404
00:17:28,751 --> 00:17:30,460
I'm rich, biatch!
405
00:17:30,543 --> 00:17:31,460
[horn honks]
406
00:17:31,543 --> 00:17:32,585
Hi, thank you.
407
00:17:38,251 --> 00:17:40,251
Now I gotta get up,
wash all this blood off me,
408
00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:42,626
and still get to
the club before last call
409
00:17:43,043 --> 00:17:45,668
'cause it's Friday night!
410
00:17:46,793 --> 00:17:48,751
[laughing]
411
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:49,585
The W.B. !
412
00:17:50,293 --> 00:17:52,043
W.B. ?
413
00:17:52,126 --> 00:17:54,418
Man, you told me this [bleep]
was for HBO., man.
414
00:17:55,418 --> 00:17:57,001
Ain't dying for no damn W.B.
415
00:17:57,335 --> 00:17:58,585
Look, it's Paul.
416
00:17:59,210 --> 00:18:01,626
He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend.
417
00:18:02,418 --> 00:18:03,376
Word?
418
00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:05,751
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening,
what did you say?
419
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,918
I had some
titties on my neck.