1 00:00:02,251 --> 00:00:03,960 ♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪ 2 00:00:04,043 --> 00:00:05,710 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 3 00:00:05,793 --> 00:00:06,751 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 4 00:00:06,835 --> 00:00:07,793 ♪ Ow ♪ 5 00:00:09,293 --> 00:00:10,543 ♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪ 6 00:00:11,126 --> 00:00:12,251 ♪ Woo-hoo ♪ 7 00:00:12,085 --> 00:00:13,751 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 8 00:00:16,126 --> 00:00:17,460 Let's start the show. 9 00:00:19,918 --> 00:00:23,543 [announcer] Give it up right now for my man, Dave Chappelle! 10 00:00:23,626 --> 00:00:25,085 [applauding] 11 00:00:25,168 --> 00:00:27,585 Oh... yes! 12 00:00:29,043 --> 00:00:31,418 Hey, thank you, brother, thank you. 13 00:00:32,835 --> 00:00:33,710 All right, everybody 14 00:00:33,793 --> 00:00:36,460 have a seat, man, let's all relax. 15 00:00:36,543 --> 00:00:37,710 Thanks for coming back. 16 00:00:37,793 --> 00:00:39,501 Welcome to Chappelle's Show. 17 00:00:40,126 --> 00:00:42,043 You know, we've been getting a little flack in the press. 18 00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:43,376 I don't know if you guys have seen some things 19 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,876 that were written calling us controversial, 20 00:00:46,751 --> 00:00:48,043 which I was surprised about. 21 00:00:48,668 --> 00:00:50,085 That's the thing about being on T.V., 22 00:00:50,168 --> 00:00:52,293 you just never can say what you wanna say, man. 23 00:00:52,376 --> 00:00:54,335 'cause, if I said everything I thought 24 00:00:54,418 --> 00:00:55,876 it would just freak America out. 25 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,293 You wouldn't wanna hear a young black dude 26 00:00:58,376 --> 00:01:00,668 saying half the things I be thinking. 27 00:01:01,251 --> 00:01:03,126 The only way people would listen to the stuff I think 28 00:01:03,210 --> 00:01:05,751 is if a pretty white girl sang my thoughts. 29 00:01:07,793 --> 00:01:10,626 And I actually happen to have a pretty white girl here. 30 00:01:11,210 --> 00:01:12,835 Pretty white girl, come on out. 31 00:01:13,126 --> 00:01:14,418 She's in my contract. 32 00:01:15,168 --> 00:01:16,335 [cheering] 33 00:01:16,418 --> 00:01:18,251 Good evening, pretty white woman. 34 00:01:20,626 --> 00:01:21,793 Thank you for being here. 35 00:01:21,876 --> 00:01:23,793 I have some things I need to get off my chest. 36 00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:37,251 ♪ Crack was invented And distributed ♪ 37 00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:43,085 ♪ To intentionally Destroy the black community ♪ 38 00:01:43,168 --> 00:01:45,376 [laughing] 39 00:01:47,251 --> 00:01:49,168 ♪ Aids was too ♪ 40 00:01:54,168 --> 00:01:59,085 ♪ The police never look for Tupac and Biggie's murderers ♪ 41 00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:04,043 ♪ Fuck the police ♪ 42 00:02:04,543 --> 00:02:07,085 [applause] 43 00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:18,585 ♪ What ever happened to that Recount in Florida ♪ 44 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,293 ♪ O.J didn't do it ♪ 45 00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:32,085 ♪ On second thought, Yeah he did ♪ 46 00:02:40,085 --> 00:02:41,585 ♪ Gay sex is gross ♪ 47 00:02:41,668 --> 00:02:45,043 ♪ Sorry I just find it to be gross ♪ 48 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:53,418 ♪ Unless of course they're lesbians ♪ 49 00:02:57,251 --> 00:03:00,585 ♪ I like lesbians ♪ 50 00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:07,210 ♪ I like lesbians ♪ 51 00:03:09,585 --> 00:03:11,293 For real, I like lesbians. 52 00:03:14,210 --> 00:03:15,960 But I digress from my point... 53 00:03:19,376 --> 00:03:22,960 ♪ All Chinese people look alike ♪ 54 00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:29,126 ♪ So do white people ♪ 55 00:03:32,210 --> 00:03:34,085 ♪ Pretty much Anyone who isn't black ♪ 56 00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:38,126 ♪ Looks alike to me ♪ 57 00:03:43,251 --> 00:03:48,043 ♪ Oh, I want to stick My thumb in J-Lo's butt ♪ 58 00:03:48,126 --> 00:03:50,501 [laughing] 59 00:03:57,918 --> 00:04:01,168 ♪ I wouldn't mind sticking a finger or two ♪ 60 00:04:01,251 --> 00:04:04,543 ♪ Up that singing White girl's butt either ♪ 61 00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:12,543 ♪ Call me on my cell, 917-- ♪ 62 00:04:19,543 --> 00:04:22,585 [applause] 63 00:04:29,251 --> 00:04:33,501 ♪ And now it's time To collect ad revenue ♪ 64 00:04:33,585 --> 00:04:36,501 ♪ For Comedy Central ♪ 65 00:04:36,585 --> 00:04:40,126 [cheering] 66 00:04:44,835 --> 00:04:49,126 ♪ Revenue they don't Share with my black ass ♪ 67 00:04:49,210 --> 00:04:52,460 [cheers and applause] 68 00:04:56,043 --> 00:04:59,335 Real sex, street interviews, take one! 69 00:04:59,418 --> 00:05:01,126 [cameraman] Sophia, what's the craziest thing 70 00:05:01,210 --> 00:05:01,876 you ever did sexually? 71 00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:04,835 Um, the craziest thing I ever did sexually-- 72 00:05:05,126 --> 00:05:06,501 Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay-- 73 00:05:06,585 --> 00:05:09,501 One time, I had a three way with these two guys in college 74 00:05:09,585 --> 00:05:11,793 and my sorority sisters were, like, cheering me on. 75 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:14,085 Yeah, that'd be it, that'd be it. 76 00:05:14,168 --> 00:05:15,501 [cameraman] What about you, sir? 77 00:05:16,710 --> 00:05:18,376 Craziest thing I ever did sexually? 78 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,043 That'd probably be having sex with old gangbang here, 79 00:05:22,126 --> 00:05:23,418 without a rubber. 80 00:05:24,168 --> 00:05:25,335 We're fuckin' done, man! 81 00:05:25,918 --> 00:05:27,126 This date is over! 82 00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:28,210 Wait a minute, hold up. 83 00:05:28,293 --> 00:05:29,793 Wait, hold-- I'm kidding. 84 00:05:29,876 --> 00:05:31,168 Get off me. 85 00:05:33,210 --> 00:05:35,168 ♪ Chappelle's Show Ow ♪ 86 00:05:37,085 --> 00:05:40,251 You know, uh, in the quest to get paid 87 00:05:40,085 --> 00:05:42,710 I have devised a new scheme, ladies and gentlemen, 88 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,251 which is not an easy thing to do, but I've got it. 89 00:05:46,085 --> 00:05:48,085 I'm gonna have my own phone line 90 00:05:48,585 --> 00:05:50,293 like Miss Cleo, you understand? 91 00:05:51,168 --> 00:05:52,876 but I'm gonna do mine real. 92 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,793 You see? Miss Cleo lies, she's phony. 93 00:05:57,043 --> 00:06:00,460 I've got a nagging suspicion that bitch ain't Jamaican, 94 00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:03,210 -you know what I'm saying? -[laughing] 95 00:06:05,668 --> 00:06:06,668 I couldn't prove it, 96 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:10,043 but check mine out. 97 00:06:14,043 --> 00:06:16,251 Dave Chappelle is not a psychic. 98 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:19,085 He is merely a racist, who believes that stereotypes 99 00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:21,085 dictate our futures. 100 00:06:21,168 --> 00:06:23,376 [woman's voice] My boyfriend says my butt's too big. 101 00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:24,751 Why would he say that? 102 00:06:24,835 --> 00:06:26,168 My old boyfriend liked it just fine. 103 00:06:27,168 --> 00:06:28,043 Okay. 104 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,210 Okay, have you gained weight? 105 00:06:29,293 --> 00:06:30,376 No. 106 00:06:30,460 --> 00:06:33,210 Okay, so your current boyfriend is white. 107 00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:34,793 Oh, my gosh, yes! 108 00:06:34,876 --> 00:06:36,751 Yeah, and your old boyfriend is black, ain't he? 109 00:06:36,835 --> 00:06:39,043 Oh, my God, how did you know that? 110 00:06:39,126 --> 00:06:41,335 Because a brother can't get enough of that ass. 111 00:06:42,126 --> 00:06:43,251 Hold up, I'm seeing something... 112 00:06:44,126 --> 00:06:45,168 it's your parents! 113 00:06:45,251 --> 00:06:46,251 Oh, God. 114 00:06:46,085 --> 00:06:48,126 They're angry, real angry! 115 00:06:49,668 --> 00:06:52,085 They kicked you out for dating a black dude, didn't they? 116 00:06:52,168 --> 00:06:54,126 Oh, my God, there's no way you could have known that 117 00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:55,543 not unless you knew me! 118 00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:57,668 Or if I dated four white girls myself. 119 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:58,751 Thanks for playing. 120 00:07:00,251 --> 00:07:03,626 Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you. 121 00:07:03,710 --> 00:07:05,960 [man with foreign accent) Bueno, is this Dave Chappelle? 122 00:07:06,043 --> 00:07:07,668 All right, I'm hearing an accent. 123 00:07:08,085 --> 00:07:09,335 You from south of the border? 124 00:07:09,418 --> 00:07:11,210 You amaze me, man! 125 00:07:11,043 --> 00:07:13,543 Oh, hold on, there... is your name Miguel? 126 00:07:14,210 --> 00:07:15,543 -It is! -Bam! 127 00:07:16,001 --> 00:07:17,668 All right, all right go ahead, dog. 128 00:07:17,751 --> 00:07:20,085 So, David, I was driving on the freeway. 129 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,460 Stop-- driving. 130 00:07:22,835 --> 00:07:24,585 You drive a pickup truck, don't you, Miguel? 131 00:07:24,668 --> 00:07:26,126 Yes, I do. 132 00:07:26,668 --> 00:07:28,085 And you don't have insurance, do you? 133 00:07:28,168 --> 00:07:29,418 No, I don't. 134 00:07:30,085 --> 00:07:31,168 Bam! 135 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,085 [narrator] Sometimes, Dave will talk with 136 00:07:33,168 --> 00:07:34,668 a phony Baloney Jamaican accent. 137 00:07:34,751 --> 00:07:36,960 [Jamaican accent] The cards don't lie! 138 00:07:37,210 --> 00:07:38,251 Lord have mercy! 139 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,001 Hello? 140 00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:43,335 [woman] Collect call from a correctional facility, 141 00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:44,751 will you accept the charges? 142 00:07:44,835 --> 00:07:45,876 Yes, I will. 143 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,043 Go ahead, sir. 144 00:07:47,126 --> 00:07:48,793 All right, before you even say anything, 145 00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:50,126 You black, ain't you? 146 00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:52,460 [man] Yo, this nigga is off the hook! 147 00:07:52,543 --> 00:07:54,043 Wait a minute, I see something! 148 00:07:54,126 --> 00:07:55,293 What? 149 00:07:55,376 --> 00:07:56,501 You getting out of jail! 150 00:07:56,585 --> 00:07:57,793 Say word, son! 151 00:07:57,876 --> 00:08:00,001 You're walking out, you are free as a bird! 152 00:08:00,835 --> 00:08:02,043 Hold up. 153 00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:03,960 I'm seeing something-- It's six weeks later... 154 00:08:04,543 --> 00:08:06,460 you going right back in the jail 155 00:08:07,126 --> 00:08:08,585 for the same shit. 156 00:08:08,668 --> 00:08:10,251 -What kinda psychic-- -[dial tone] 157 00:08:10,085 --> 00:08:12,501 Call this number now, and let Dave 158 00:08:12,585 --> 00:08:15,293 or one of his educated guessers tell you your future. 159 00:08:15,376 --> 00:08:17,710 It's only 99 cents for the first minute, 160 00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:19,543 2.50 each additional minute. 161 00:08:19,626 --> 00:08:21,293 You can't afford not to have your future read 162 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,168 based on stereotypes. 163 00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:26,293 [Jamaican accent] Call me now for a bumble-clot reading! 164 00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:28,501 [mumbling] 165 00:08:30,751 --> 00:08:31,960 Hey, y'all, 166 00:08:32,043 --> 00:08:33,043 Flippity-flap, flippity-float, flippity-fleep, 167 00:08:33,126 --> 00:08:34,126 here comes some jokes! 168 00:08:34,876 --> 00:08:36,751 [announcer] For years, we've all watched 169 00:08:36,835 --> 00:08:38,085 celebrities accepting awards 170 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,918 get played off by the house orchestra 171 00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:42,085 When their speech runs on too long. 172 00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:43,960 My parents were really disappointed 173 00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:45,460 when I dropped out of school for that year, 174 00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:47,918 but I felt like I really just needed to find myself. 175 00:08:48,001 --> 00:08:49,126 Word? 176 00:08:49,210 --> 00:08:50,168 But then, you know, I was like, you know what? 177 00:08:50,251 --> 00:08:52,210 Let me just go to Howard like my father, you know? 178 00:08:52,293 --> 00:08:53,835 Well, then, my girlfriend Gina, she called me up, 179 00:08:53,918 --> 00:08:56,876 she said, "Girl, you have got to get down to Emory, 180 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:57,751 down to Hotlanta! 181 00:08:57,835 --> 00:08:59,418 I was like Gina, number one, 182 00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:01,251 why are you calling me up, trying to confuse me? 183 00:09:01,335 --> 00:09:03,085 You know Spelman's in Atlanta, too. 184 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,876 Second of all, you know I'm vacillating here, trying to-- 185 00:09:06,335 --> 00:09:07,835 [narrator] With "the wrap it up box," 186 00:09:07,918 --> 00:09:12,043 you've got that same power, right in your pocket. 187 00:09:12,126 --> 00:09:14,085 So then I just went to Howard, where I majored in sociology, 188 00:09:14,168 --> 00:09:15,835 and made a lot of friends and had a really good time! 189 00:09:16,668 --> 00:09:18,710 So that was college, how about you? 190 00:09:23,376 --> 00:09:25,751 From the makers of the home stenographer comes 191 00:09:26,251 --> 00:09:27,751 "The wrap it up box"! 192 00:09:28,210 --> 00:09:30,793 It's like being the director of an awards show 193 00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:33,085 everywhere you go! 194 00:09:33,168 --> 00:09:34,210 [pounding gavel] 195 00:09:35,126 --> 00:09:37,585 Young man, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers. 196 00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:40,168 The crime you've committed was very serious, 197 00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:41,585 and before I sentence you, 198 00:09:42,293 --> 00:09:44,376 I'd like to say a few words about your arrest record-- 199 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:45,918 What the hell? 200 00:09:46,376 --> 00:09:48,251 Yo, the sign is real simple, B, 201 00:09:48,668 --> 00:09:49,710 it says, "Wrap it up." 202 00:09:50,710 --> 00:09:51,501 Wrap that shit up, "B"! 203 00:09:52,001 --> 00:09:53,710 I don't think that's a good idea. 204 00:09:54,168 --> 00:09:55,501 Man, you want some too? 205 00:09:55,585 --> 00:09:56,585 You'd better wrap it up! 206 00:09:56,668 --> 00:09:58,168 [pounding gavel] 207 00:09:58,751 --> 00:10:00,085 You'd better wrap that gavel up, "B"! 208 00:10:02,585 --> 00:10:04,210 That's what I'm talking about. That's what I was telling you. 209 00:10:05,418 --> 00:10:08,376 With "The wrap it up box," things will come to an end 210 00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:09,876 at the perfect time... 211 00:10:10,293 --> 00:10:12,251 whenever you want them to. 212 00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:14,335 I'm gonna rock it tonight! 213 00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,043 Have you ever felt this in your life? 214 00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,835 I'm taking you on a journey, girl! 215 00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:22,251 [moaning] 216 00:10:24,210 --> 00:10:25,251 Psych! 217 00:10:25,335 --> 00:10:27,001 Psych, you thought I was done, didn't you? 218 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,043 It ain't over. 219 00:10:28,293 --> 00:10:30,210 [music playing] 220 00:10:32,001 --> 00:10:34,126 For real? Not even close? 221 00:10:34,751 --> 00:10:37,418 Not even close. 222 00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:39,085 Hold on, now, hang in there with me. 223 00:10:39,418 --> 00:10:40,793 How about that? 224 00:10:40,876 --> 00:10:41,751 Hey, can you read? 225 00:10:41,835 --> 00:10:43,460 Wrap it up. 226 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,085 You need to wrap it up! 227 00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:47,168 -Wrap it up! -[moaning] 228 00:10:50,210 --> 00:10:51,376 That's a wrap! 229 00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:53,251 Woo! 230 00:10:56,043 --> 00:10:59,126 "The wrap it up box," in stores now! 231 00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:00,835 Available at all Walbog's. 232 00:11:00,918 --> 00:11:02,626 ♪ Stop skipping your remedial class ♪ 233 00:11:02,710 --> 00:11:04,210 ♪ It's the finals You're gonna need it to pass ♪ 234 00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:06,501 ♪ And you don't need these big Brooklyn feet in your ass ♪ 235 00:11:06,585 --> 00:11:08,043 ♪ So keep my name Out your mouth ♪ 236 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,460 ♪ And your mind on your task ♪ 237 00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:11,085 ♪ And if you think that I'm Talking about you ♪ 238 00:11:11,168 --> 00:11:12,085 ♪ In these bars ♪ 239 00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:13,793 ♪ If the shoe fits shut the fuck up ♪ 240 00:11:13,876 --> 00:11:14,793 ♪ And walk it off ♪ 241 00:11:14,876 --> 00:11:15,626 ♪ It's Brooklyn ♪ 242 00:11:18,751 --> 00:11:20,376 ♪ 243 00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,335 [cheering] 244 00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:26,251 Yeah, yes. 245 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,543 Hey, welcome back, gang. 246 00:11:31,835 --> 00:11:33,043 Yes, welcome back. 247 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,168 Now, I don't know how many of you guys are from my generation; 248 00:11:35,251 --> 00:11:38,793 The Pepsi generation, generation X, they called us. 249 00:11:39,251 --> 00:11:41,210 I refer to us as the Reagan babies. 250 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,251 Anyone who grew up around Reagan had drug-awareness week, right? 251 00:11:46,543 --> 00:11:48,168 Now, I don't know if you guys know at home 252 00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:50,210 what drug-awareness week is. 253 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:54,376 That is a week of drug education for children in schools. 254 00:11:54,793 --> 00:11:56,376 And at the end of the week, 255 00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:59,126 to really drive the point home to the youth, 256 00:11:59,751 --> 00:12:01,960 they always have a real, live crackhead 257 00:12:02,043 --> 00:12:03,210 come talk to the kids. 258 00:12:05,335 --> 00:12:07,210 I know that was the case at my school. 259 00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:11,501 and tonight, we have a tape of just such an event. 260 00:12:11,585 --> 00:12:13,710 Please enjoy. 261 00:12:13,793 --> 00:12:16,626 ♪ He's been away for a while But he's back around ♪ 262 00:12:16,710 --> 00:12:18,085 Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill you! 263 00:12:18,168 --> 00:12:19,793 I'll kill you! 264 00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:21,793 ♪ The goofiest crackhead in the town ♪ 265 00:12:22,251 --> 00:12:24,501 Peanut butter and crack sandwich! 266 00:12:24,585 --> 00:12:26,835 ♪ He kicked his habit back in the joint ♪ 267 00:12:26,918 --> 00:12:28,668 Look out, crack, here I come! 268 00:12:28,751 --> 00:12:30,293 [crashing] 269 00:12:30,376 --> 00:12:32,668 ♪ He's finally home he's Tyrone ♪ 270 00:12:34,626 --> 00:12:37,210 [narrator] This week, Tyrone visits a local middle school 271 00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,085 to promote drug awareness. 272 00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:42,543 We have a very special surprise today. 273 00:12:42,626 --> 00:12:46,460 Let's hear it for Tyrone Biggums! 274 00:12:46,543 --> 00:12:48,835 [applauding] 275 00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:51,085 Hi, kids! 276 00:12:53,543 --> 00:12:55,085 Thank you very much, teacher! 277 00:12:57,085 --> 00:13:00,668 It is truly an honor and a privilege 278 00:13:01,210 --> 00:13:04,960 for me to be here at Pinehurst school, 279 00:13:05,626 --> 00:13:09,126 or whatever your school is called today. 280 00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:10,418 I say it's a privilege, 281 00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:14,001 because it's a violation of my parole to be around children. 282 00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:16,085 but enough about that. 283 00:13:17,001 --> 00:13:19,418 Hello, little boys and little girls. 284 00:13:21,043 --> 00:13:23,085 Mm, mm, mm. 285 00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:26,793 Kids, y'all are looking at a dead man. 286 00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:30,251 I should not be in front of you today! 287 00:13:31,376 --> 00:13:36,876 Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life. 288 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:41,835 I started doing drugs when I was little, just like you, fellow. 289 00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:43,835 Me and my friends would go home 290 00:13:43,918 --> 00:13:46,126 and smoke marijuana after school. 291 00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:48,085 Can you say marijuana? 292 00:13:48,168 --> 00:13:50,293 [all the children] Marijuana. 293 00:13:50,376 --> 00:13:52,043 That's what I was smoking. 294 00:13:52,126 --> 00:13:54,043 Sometimes, dipped in embalming fluid. 295 00:13:54,126 --> 00:13:56,793 And me and my friends would laugh and giggle 296 00:13:56,876 --> 00:13:58,168 and eat all the cookies! 297 00:13:58,251 --> 00:13:59,501 It was terrible. 298 00:13:59,835 --> 00:14:01,126 Terrible. 299 00:14:01,210 --> 00:14:02,460 I can definitely say, 300 00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:05,376 he was the absolute worst anti-drug speaker 301 00:14:06,293 --> 00:14:07,835 in the history of drugs. 302 00:14:08,293 --> 00:14:11,335 Then I upgraded to a little drug called acid-- 303 00:14:11,668 --> 00:14:14,043 Very inexpensive and affordable. 304 00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:17,001 Even young children could afford it, it's so bad. 305 00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:21,710 I did two hits of that and Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo 306 00:14:21,793 --> 00:14:24,960 and all my favorite cartoon heroes came to my room 307 00:14:25,043 --> 00:14:29,793 and ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours. 308 00:14:29,876 --> 00:14:32,085 God damn, talking about-- 309 00:14:33,043 --> 00:14:38,001 ♪ Tyrone go clean up your room ♪ 310 00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:40,793 And Mickey Mouse was doing the bass line like this, 311 00:14:40,876 --> 00:14:45,085 ♪ Ba ba ba boo, Ba ba ba boo ♪ 312 00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:49,168 And then, he basically told them 313 00:14:49,251 --> 00:14:51,210 where and how to buy the stuff. 314 00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:53,918 We all know we can sneak into our mama's room 315 00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:55,501 when she's sleeping, 316 00:14:55,585 --> 00:14:58,043 and take $5, $10, maybe $20 out her purse, 317 00:14:58,460 --> 00:15:00,668 run on down to third street, catch the "D" bus downtown, 318 00:15:00,751 --> 00:15:03,710 and meet a Latin American fellow named Martinez-- 319 00:15:03,793 --> 00:15:04,876 We know that! 320 00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:09,210 and we know that Martinez' stuff is the bomb! 321 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:12,960 Kids, drugs is all around you. 322 00:15:13,043 --> 00:15:16,418 How will I know when drugs around, you might be asking. 323 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:19,835 Well, I'll tell you, use your magic markers. 324 00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:22,001 What you think this is, some kind of crayon? 325 00:15:22,085 --> 00:15:23,210 No. 326 00:15:23,043 --> 00:15:26,293 Take that cap off and sniff it and you be high. 327 00:15:26,835 --> 00:15:30,126 And these little ones are 10 and 11 years old. 328 00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:31,918 You! 329 00:15:32,418 --> 00:15:34,210 You know what dog food tastes like? 330 00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:35,126 Do you? 331 00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:37,585 It tastes just like it smells... 332 00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:40,210 Delicious! 333 00:15:40,043 --> 00:15:42,085 I'm gonna show you how I go to the bathroom. 334 00:15:45,835 --> 00:15:47,460 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 335 00:15:47,543 --> 00:15:48,501 Ha! 336 00:15:48,585 --> 00:15:50,126 [farting] 337 00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:53,585 I thought the worst was over. 338 00:15:54,251 --> 00:15:55,585 I was mistaken. 339 00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:59,085 That, children, was the first time 340 00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:01,085 I sucked a dick for crack. 341 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,085 But it wouldn't be the last. 342 00:16:03,293 --> 00:16:05,168 Why, one time, I seen Martinez-- 343 00:16:05,251 --> 00:16:07,876 I'm trying to say something. 344 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,376 Thank you for that lovely and moving and graphic story. 345 00:16:11,460 --> 00:16:13,126 You're welcome, teacher bitch! 346 00:16:13,793 --> 00:16:15,876 I'm not finished, but that's all right. 347 00:16:16,085 --> 00:16:18,418 Um, can I get cash for this? 348 00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,001 I got some errands to run, 349 00:16:20,085 --> 00:16:22,168 and I don't think I'm gonna make the bank. 350 00:16:22,251 --> 00:16:23,251 Um, uh, uh-- 351 00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:24,626 It's my money, bitch! 352 00:16:24,710 --> 00:16:25,793 I earned it! 353 00:16:25,876 --> 00:16:27,460 Give me my speaker's fee! 354 00:16:28,668 --> 00:16:30,501 Thank you, kids! Goodbye! 355 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,918 ♪ He's been away for awhile But he's back around ♪ 356 00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:38,043 ♪ The goofiest crackhead in the town ♪ 357 00:16:38,126 --> 00:16:40,376 ♪ He kicked his habit back in the joint ♪ 358 00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:42,085 ♪ Now he's back on point ♪ 359 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,751 ♪ He's finally home he's Tyrone ♪ 360 00:16:45,251 --> 00:16:47,251 [cheering] 361 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:50,460 Oh, my gosh. 362 00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,376 Just so a lot of you know, that's not real doo-doo. 363 00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:54,918 I don't want to upset you. 364 00:16:56,460 --> 00:16:59,126 It was a Snickers bar, we melted it. 365 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,251 The funny thing was, the dude that does the props 366 00:17:02,085 --> 00:17:05,043 was melting the snickers bar for the sketch-- 367 00:17:05,126 --> 00:17:06,585 It's candy, you know, he's melting it. 368 00:17:06,668 --> 00:17:09,126 But I caught him like he was doing a thing, he was like... 369 00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:15,335 all right, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break, 370 00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:16,626 but don't go nowhere, 371 00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:19,168 because we've got Mos Def when we come back, man. 372 00:17:19,251 --> 00:17:20,376 The Mighty Mos! 373 00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:22,376 Stick around for more Chappelle's Show. 374 00:17:27,376 --> 00:17:28,960 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 375 00:17:29,043 --> 00:17:31,126 ♪ Better not bring your kids ♪ 376 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:33,793 Hey, gang, welcome back. 377 00:17:36,335 --> 00:17:37,835 Welcome back, man. 378 00:17:37,918 --> 00:17:39,668 We are hanging in here, having some fun. 379 00:17:39,751 --> 00:17:42,085 Please make some noise for my brother, Mos Def! 380 00:17:42,876 --> 00:17:44,960 [cheering] 381 00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:48,085 ♪ Pull up to your spot on low ♪ 382 00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:50,585 ♪ Shine brighter than all Of the cats that got on glow ♪ 383 00:17:50,668 --> 00:17:53,001 ♪ Lay in the cut like they're Not gonna know ♪ 384 00:17:53,085 --> 00:17:54,168 ♪ 'Cause if I gotta make a move dog ♪ 385 00:17:54,251 --> 00:17:55,710 ♪ They're not gonna know ♪ 386 00:17:55,793 --> 00:17:57,918 ♪ This door marked private This is not for show ♪ 387 00:17:58,001 --> 00:18:00,168 ♪ It's Mos Def What you call real for sure ♪ 388 00:18:00,251 --> 00:18:02,543 ♪ Is they what you call gangster Hell no ♪ 389 00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:05,126 ♪ They get a little pinch And go snitch to the Po' ♪ 390 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:07,418 ♪ They all talk fast but They all think slow ♪ 391 00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:09,918 ♪ I'm most definite not think so ♪ 392 00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:12,126 ♪ Flood your city with The black ink flow ♪ 393 00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,543 ♪ And my crew ain't Scared to let them things go ♪ 394 00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:16,043 ♪ So stop with the nonsense ♪ 395 00:18:16,126 --> 00:18:17,418 ♪ Like he conscious ♪ 396 00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,918 ♪ I'm just awake dog I'm doing great dog ♪ 397 00:18:20,001 --> 00:18:22,168 ♪ I don't play games I don't Player hate y'all ♪ 398 00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:24,626 ♪ Get it straight or get The fuck up out my face dog ♪ 399 00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:27,043 ♪ I'm like the second plane that Made the towers face off ♪ 400 00:18:27,126 --> 00:18:28,251 ♪ This shit will let you know ♪ 401 00:18:28,335 --> 00:18:29,710 ♪ It's really not a game dog ♪ 402 00:18:29,793 --> 00:18:32,085 ♪ Your grind and my Grind ain't the same dog ♪ 403 00:18:32,168 --> 00:18:34,293 ♪ I'm the catalog you the same song ♪ 404 00:18:34,376 --> 00:18:37,001 ♪ So cool and old school like a-4 ♪ 405 00:18:37,085 --> 00:18:39,168 ♪ Doing the little mommies Winding up their waist for ♪ 406 00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:41,501 ♪ The one that real niggas got Their hand raised for ♪ 407 00:18:41,585 --> 00:18:44,043 ♪ Me and D. Chappelle Got it yellow taped off ♪ 408 00:18:44,126 --> 00:18:46,543 ♪ Don't push me 'cause I'm close ♪ 409 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,001 ♪ To the streets to the beats ♪ 410 00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:49,751 ♪ The bitches the niggas The women the children ♪ 411 00:18:49,835 --> 00:18:51,876 ♪ The workers the dealers The addicts the killers ♪ 412 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,085 ♪ The quiet the livest The realest and that's close ♪ 413 00:18:54,168 --> 00:18:56,085 ♪ Don't push me 'cause I'm close ♪ 414 00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:58,043 ♪ To the edge back middle and front ♪ 415 00:18:58,126 --> 00:18:59,626 ♪ Strong back shit lifting it up ♪ 416 00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:01,251 ♪ From the big and the small ♪ 417 00:19:01,335 --> 00:19:03,001 ♪ I'm like J. Brown Getting involved ♪ 418 00:19:03,085 --> 00:19:05,293 ♪ And when I'm letting off a Round don't get in the cross ♪ 419 00:19:05,376 --> 00:19:07,626 ♪ Have your preacher man talking Low getting his cross ♪ 420 00:19:07,710 --> 00:19:10,168 ♪ Tell the wild card boy Not to get off their horse ♪ 421 00:19:10,251 --> 00:19:12,668 ♪ Before they find out the town Law is strictly enforced ♪ 422 00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:15,168 ♪ It's a real bad way to Get your name in the source ♪ 423 00:19:15,251 --> 00:19:16,876 ♪ Test the limits of a dangerous force ♪ 424 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,751 ♪ You ended up dumb famous and gone ♪ 425 00:19:18,835 --> 00:19:20,335 ♪ Your people shouting out Your name in their song ♪ 426 00:19:20,418 --> 00:19:22,460 ♪ Pouring liquor on the day you was born ♪ 427 00:19:22,543 --> 00:19:24,126 ♪ Buying paint to put your Face on the wall ♪ 428 00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:25,335 ♪ Come on fall back ♪ 429 00:19:25,418 --> 00:19:27,751 ♪ It's no need for all that It's all good ♪ 430 00:19:27,835 --> 00:19:30,168 ♪ We all here going all out ♪ 431 00:19:30,251 --> 00:19:32,335 ♪ All live all day listen When the song say ♪ 432 00:19:32,418 --> 00:19:34,793 ♪ Don't push me 'cause I'm close ♪ 433 00:19:34,876 --> 00:19:36,793 ♪ To the streets to the beats ♪ 434 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,126 ♪ The bitches the niggas The women the children ♪ 435 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,251 ♪ The workers the killers The addicts the dealers ♪ 436 00:19:40,335 --> 00:19:42,168 ♪ The quiet the livest The realest and that's close ♪ 437 00:19:42,251 --> 00:19:44,335 ♪ Don't push me 'cause I'm close ♪ 438 00:19:44,418 --> 00:19:46,335 ♪ To the edge back, middle and front ♪ 439 00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:48,335 ♪ Strong back shit lifting it up ♪ 440 00:19:48,418 --> 00:19:49,626 ♪ From the big and the small ♪ 441 00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,251 ♪ I'm like J. Brown getting involved ♪ 442 00:19:51,335 --> 00:19:52,710 ♪ Now get yours ♪ 443 00:19:52,793 --> 00:19:54,751 ♪ Bang it bang it boom bang, Diggy boom boom ♪ 444 00:19:54,835 --> 00:19:56,460 ♪ Bang it bang it Boom bang diggy boom ♪ 445 00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,126 My man, Meek, hooked this up. 446 00:19:58,210 --> 00:19:59,376 Yeah. 447 00:19:59,460 --> 00:20:00,751 It's the bomb. It's pretty hot, right? 448 00:20:00,835 --> 00:20:02,376 Yeah. Now get close. 449 00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:05,918 ♪ Bang it bang it boom Bang diggy boom boom ♪ 450 00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:07,168 Good. 451 00:20:07,876 --> 00:20:09,001 Yeah. 452 00:20:09,085 --> 00:20:09,960 Yeah, right? 453 00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,626 -Yeah, Mos Def. -[applause] 454 00:20:15,168 --> 00:20:16,501 Mos Def. 455 00:20:17,543 --> 00:20:20,710 I'd like to thank my guests, Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz, 456 00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:22,876 everybody that helped me out this week. 457 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,043 I gotta say that he-- 458 00:20:24,126 --> 00:20:25,418 Yo, Chappelle! 459 00:20:25,501 --> 00:20:26,960 Yo, wrap it up, "B"! 460 00:20:27,043 --> 00:20:28,585 That's it, you're done, man! 461 00:20:28,668 --> 00:20:30,710 Wrap it up, "B"! 462 00:20:31,126 --> 00:20:33,001 You're done, wrap it up! Right. 463 00:20:33,835 --> 00:20:35,001 We'll see you next week! 464 00:20:35,085 --> 00:20:38,085 [cheers and applause] 465 00:20:46,418 --> 00:20:47,918 I'm rich, biatch! 466 00:20:48,001 --> 00:20:48,918 [horn honking] 467 00:20:49,001 --> 00:20:50,168 Hi, thank you! 468 00:20:57,085 --> 00:20:58,710 Peanut butter and crack sandwich! 469 00:21:04,043 --> 00:21:05,085 Oh! Get out the way! 470 00:21:05,918 --> 00:21:06,710 Go on, go on! 471 00:21:07,085 --> 00:21:08,210 Ow! 472 00:21:08,085 --> 00:21:09,293 [Dave Chappelle] Lick your fingers. 473 00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:17,501 Crack! 474 00:21:19,418 --> 00:21:23,168 Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life!