1 00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:04,168 ♪ Chappelle's show ♪ ♪ Oww ♪ 2 00:00:05,460 --> 00:00:07,210 ♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪ 3 00:00:07,293 --> 00:00:08,751 ♪ Woo-hoo ♪ 4 00:00:08,835 --> 00:00:11,001 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 5 00:00:11,085 --> 00:00:11,918 [applause] 6 00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:15,043 [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen... 7 00:00:15,126 --> 00:00:18,085 Dave Chappelle! 8 00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:20,960 [cheers] 9 00:00:24,835 --> 00:00:26,626 Man, thank you, guys. 10 00:00:26,710 --> 00:00:28,043 Thanks, man. 11 00:00:28,626 --> 00:00:30,126 [hooting] 12 00:00:31,501 --> 00:00:33,168 What's up, everybody? 13 00:00:33,251 --> 00:00:35,335 Yo, what's up, man? 14 00:00:36,668 --> 00:00:38,460 Thank you, guys. Man, shoot. 15 00:00:39,876 --> 00:00:41,210 Thank you, man. 16 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:44,210 Thanks-- oh. 17 00:00:45,085 --> 00:00:46,751 Oh, man, y'all got me, like-- 18 00:00:47,835 --> 00:00:49,168 you got me touched tonight. 19 00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:52,376 I would actually cry, 20 00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:54,668 but the reefer has dried my eyes out. 21 00:00:58,126 --> 00:01:01,001 You know, I wish my grandmother could see me. 22 00:01:01,085 --> 00:01:03,710 My grandmother gave me the best advice of my life. 23 00:01:03,793 --> 00:01:05,210 She said, "You know, Dave, 24 00:01:05,043 --> 00:01:07,293 everybody wants to be the first person 25 00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:08,626 to do something. 26 00:01:08,710 --> 00:01:10,001 Well, let me tell you something. 27 00:01:10,085 --> 00:01:12,876 Don't ever be the first black person 28 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:13,751 to do anything." 29 00:01:15,710 --> 00:01:16,501 [chuckles] 30 00:01:18,418 --> 00:01:19,960 Because anytime you hear 31 00:01:20,043 --> 00:01:21,668 about the first black dude that did something, 32 00:01:21,751 --> 00:01:23,043 it's a terrible story, 33 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,043 no matter how benign. 34 00:01:27,126 --> 00:01:29,876 Imagine, like, who was the first black person 35 00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:32,960 to take a shit on a white toilet? 36 00:01:35,751 --> 00:01:37,126 Well, we did some research, 37 00:01:37,210 --> 00:01:39,960 and I think you'll be surprised at what we found. 38 00:01:42,626 --> 00:01:44,876 Good evening, I'm Philip Halston. 39 00:01:46,126 --> 00:01:50,460 In 1954, the United States was marred with unrest. 40 00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:52,793 With the bus boycotts in Montgomery 41 00:01:52,876 --> 00:01:55,085 and "Brown versus the board of education" 42 00:01:55,168 --> 00:01:57,585 still under deliberation, 43 00:01:57,668 --> 00:02:00,585 the social climate was changing rapidly. 44 00:02:01,710 --> 00:02:04,251 It was in this context that one man, 45 00:02:04,085 --> 00:02:06,543 Cyrus Holloway, made history 46 00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:10,085 when he took on the rural town of Hartsfield, Alabama. 47 00:02:12,168 --> 00:02:14,001 I remember it was a hot day, 48 00:02:14,085 --> 00:02:17,043 and I was working the double shift at the steel mill. 49 00:02:19,876 --> 00:02:21,793 Between shifts, I went outside 50 00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:24,085 and bought myself a roast beef sandwich 51 00:02:24,168 --> 00:02:26,043 from a boy that used to sell them out front, 52 00:02:27,876 --> 00:02:30,126 but little did I know that that roast beef sandwich 53 00:02:30,210 --> 00:02:32,210 would change my life forever. 54 00:02:34,876 --> 00:02:39,293 Not Long after lunch, I felt a bubbling in my stomach-- 55 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,168 an evil bubbling. 56 00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:44,751 A bubble that, to me, signified nothing else 57 00:02:44,835 --> 00:02:47,251 but the early stages of mud butt. 58 00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,460 I had to take a dump. 59 00:02:51,876 --> 00:02:53,251 I had to take a dump immediately. 60 00:02:54,585 --> 00:02:57,251 The closest colored bathroom was located 61 00:02:57,335 --> 00:02:59,251 in the basement of the steel mill, 62 00:02:59,335 --> 00:03:01,001 near the boiler room. 63 00:03:01,085 --> 00:03:04,085 Oh, that toilet was disgusting. 64 00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:07,835 Wasn't fit for Christian butt cheeks. 65 00:03:07,918 --> 00:03:10,168 My only options at that time were, 66 00:03:10,251 --> 00:03:13,793 I could either go doo-doo in my trousers, 67 00:03:13,876 --> 00:03:14,960 which I couldn't do-- 68 00:03:15,043 --> 00:03:16,835 that was my only good pair at the time-- 69 00:03:18,626 --> 00:03:21,085 or I could use the White restroom. 70 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:24,876 It was risky, but so was mud butt. 71 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,293 Mr. Holloway proceeded to go to the white restroom 72 00:03:27,376 --> 00:03:29,126 and take what would be known 73 00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:31,251 as one of the most significant dumps 74 00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:32,835 in American history. 75 00:03:32,918 --> 00:03:35,585 After the historic dump began, 76 00:03:35,668 --> 00:03:38,085 one of Holloway's co-workers, Austin Stringer, 77 00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:39,835 entered the restroom. 78 00:03:39,918 --> 00:03:41,710 He immediately called the local police, 79 00:03:41,793 --> 00:03:44,043 who were being followed by a television crew. 80 00:03:46,210 --> 00:03:47,126 [farts] 81 00:03:47,210 --> 00:03:48,293 There he is, officer! 82 00:03:48,376 --> 00:03:49,626 Come out of there, Holloway. 83 00:03:50,585 --> 00:03:51,501 With all due respect... 84 00:03:51,585 --> 00:03:52,501 [farting] 85 00:03:52,585 --> 00:03:54,168 I got the mud butt. 86 00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:57,793 While I was on the toilet, they sicced dogs on me. 87 00:03:57,876 --> 00:03:58,918 [dog barking] 88 00:03:59,001 --> 00:04:00,293 sprayed me with water. 89 00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:03,668 Good lord, it's mud butt! 90 00:04:05,793 --> 00:04:09,126 Finally, I just let them haul me off to jail. 91 00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:10,376 Book him. 92 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:15,460 Desecration of a white facility with negroid feces. 93 00:04:16,501 --> 00:04:17,710 Here's your evidence. 94 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,126 I can make about three, four more bags of that 95 00:04:21,210 --> 00:04:22,210 if you want, sir. 96 00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:26,668 Cyrus was charged with using a white rest facility 97 00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:29,168 and faced nine years in prison. 98 00:04:29,251 --> 00:04:31,335 Word spread quickly around Hartsfield 99 00:04:31,418 --> 00:04:33,168 and the nation at large. 100 00:04:33,251 --> 00:04:35,710 Civil rights activists throughout the United States 101 00:04:35,793 --> 00:04:37,668 descended on this tiny Alabama town 102 00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:39,876 almost immediately. 103 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,126 My brothers and sisters, 104 00:04:42,335 --> 00:04:45,085 we are gathered here today to discuss 105 00:04:45,168 --> 00:04:49,210 matters of the cocka-dookie and the stinky-stinky. 106 00:04:49,293 --> 00:04:50,960 -Yes! -Yes, sir! 107 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,710 I have a question to pose to the government. 108 00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:56,168 [farting] 109 00:04:56,251 --> 00:04:59,251 Why can't my turd float next to yours? 110 00:04:59,335 --> 00:05:01,626 [cheering] 111 00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:03,043 Our voices will be heard! 112 00:05:04,335 --> 00:05:07,918 It was the first and largest demonstration of its kind-- 113 00:05:08,001 --> 00:05:10,210 the nation's first shit-in. 114 00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:12,793 No, my brothers and sisters. Do not run! 115 00:05:12,876 --> 00:05:15,710 Turn your butt cheeks toward the aggressors, 116 00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:17,460 and let them clean your butt cheeks 117 00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:19,460 with the cascading water. 118 00:05:19,543 --> 00:05:21,918 This is a good thing, my brothers and sisters. 119 00:05:22,001 --> 00:05:24,418 The shit-in made national news, 120 00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:27,126 and the American legal society picked up the case 121 00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:30,085 and took it all the way to the supreme court. 122 00:05:30,168 --> 00:05:33,085 [protesters chanting] 123 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:38,751 In the case of Holloway versus the state of Alabama, 124 00:05:38,835 --> 00:05:41,585 the supreme court rules in favor of Mr. Holloway. 125 00:05:41,668 --> 00:05:43,085 [cheers] 126 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,626 [applause] 127 00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:48,126 [gavel pounds] 128 00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:50,085 It is my opinion that, 129 00:05:50,168 --> 00:05:52,543 no matter what the color of your skin, 130 00:05:54,043 --> 00:05:55,960 your feces will be Brown. 131 00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:59,501 Except for the clay-colored ones 132 00:05:59,585 --> 00:06:01,543 and, of course, the spinach Green. 133 00:06:02,751 --> 00:06:05,960 And, no matter what the hue of your poo, 134 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,335 it will undoubtedly stink. 135 00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:10,460 Good day. 136 00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:12,751 [applause] 137 00:06:12,835 --> 00:06:14,168 [Holloway] By the time they read that verdict, 138 00:06:14,251 --> 00:06:17,418 mud butt... mud butt was calling. 139 00:06:17,501 --> 00:06:20,251 I suppose I was happy about winning. 140 00:06:20,085 --> 00:06:22,710 I think what I was most happy about 141 00:06:22,793 --> 00:06:25,126 was that I could get up from that courtroom 142 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,668 and use the toilet. 143 00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:27,751 How you doing, Ms. Pippen? 144 00:06:27,835 --> 00:06:28,835 [farts] Ahh! 145 00:06:28,918 --> 00:06:30,543 I just remember going in that bathroom 146 00:06:30,626 --> 00:06:32,085 and taking the first... 147 00:06:32,168 --> 00:06:33,585 [farting] 148 00:06:33,668 --> 00:06:37,335 free dump that I'd ever taken in my life. 149 00:06:37,418 --> 00:06:40,043 A beautiful dump. [farting] 150 00:06:40,126 --> 00:06:43,376 As a matter of fact, the choir from my church came. 151 00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:46,585 ♪ Well, I'm gonna Lay down my burden ♪ 152 00:06:46,668 --> 00:06:52,001 ♪ Down by the riverside Down by the riverside ♪ 153 00:06:52,085 --> 00:06:54,043 ♪ Down by the riverside ♪ 154 00:06:54,126 --> 00:06:57,001 ♪ I'm gonna Lay down my burden ♪ 155 00:06:57,085 --> 00:06:59,126 ♪ Down by the riverside ♪ 156 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:03,043 ♪ Ain't gonna study war no more♪ 157 00:07:03,126 --> 00:07:04,126 [farts] 158 00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:08,418 It is all just a matter 159 00:07:08,501 --> 00:07:11,835 of the stinky-stinky and the cocka-dookie. 160 00:07:14,418 --> 00:07:17,043 I'm Philip Halston. Good night. 161 00:07:17,126 --> 00:07:20,251 ♪ Well, I ain't Gonna study war no more ♪ 162 00:07:22,751 --> 00:07:25,251 We'll be right back with more Chappelle's show 163 00:07:25,085 --> 00:07:27,376 after these messages. 164 00:07:28,168 --> 00:07:29,168 [cheers] 165 00:07:29,251 --> 00:07:33,210 [applause] 166 00:07:33,043 --> 00:07:35,001 Whoo! 167 00:07:35,085 --> 00:07:38,460 [phone ringing] 168 00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:39,626 Hello, and good evening. 169 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,168 It's me. 170 00:07:41,251 --> 00:07:42,085 What? 171 00:07:42,168 --> 00:07:43,085 It's me. 172 00:07:43,168 --> 00:07:44,001 What? 173 00:07:44,085 --> 00:07:46,501 It's me, Little Jon. 174 00:07:47,168 --> 00:07:48,585 Okay! 175 00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:49,710 I'm feeling lonely. 176 00:07:49,793 --> 00:07:51,876 I feel like I just need to talk to someone 177 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,710 who will understand, and, well, 178 00:07:53,793 --> 00:07:55,251 that someone is you, Jon. 179 00:07:55,668 --> 00:07:56,710 Okay! 180 00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:58,835 Don't you like Popsicles? 181 00:07:58,918 --> 00:08:00,043 -What? -I said, 182 00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:01,835 -don't you like Popsicles? -What? 183 00:08:01,918 --> 00:08:03,376 I said, don't you like Popsicles? 184 00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:04,168 Yeah! 185 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,751 -What? -Yeah! 186 00:08:06,835 --> 00:08:08,126 Okay! 187 00:08:08,210 --> 00:08:11,293 Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world, 188 00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:14,793 -and I have no one to go to! -What? 189 00:08:14,876 --> 00:08:18,585 I said, sometimes I feel like I'm all alone 190 00:08:18,668 --> 00:08:21,210 in this world, and I have no one, sir! 191 00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:22,210 What? 192 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,168 No one! 193 00:08:23,251 --> 00:08:24,043 What? 194 00:08:24,126 --> 00:08:25,085 -To go to. -Huh? 195 00:08:25,168 --> 00:08:29,126 No one that understands my pain! 196 00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:30,085 Yeah! 197 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,126 Yeah! 198 00:08:32,210 --> 00:08:33,585 Sometimes when I'm alone, 199 00:08:36,376 --> 00:08:39,418 I sit on my hand and wait till it gets numb 200 00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:40,335 and masturbate. 201 00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:43,001 I call that "A stranger." 202 00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:46,085 Have you ever given yourself a stranger? 203 00:08:46,168 --> 00:08:47,626 -What? -A stranger? 204 00:08:47,710 --> 00:08:49,376 Yeah, yeah, I do. 205 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:50,710 Okay! 206 00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:52,210 Yeah! 207 00:08:52,043 --> 00:08:53,460 -[Phone ringing] -Hold on. 208 00:08:53,543 --> 00:08:54,918 They calling me. 209 00:08:57,085 --> 00:08:58,626 Lil Jon? It's Oprah. 210 00:08:58,710 --> 00:08:59,585 How are you? 211 00:08:59,668 --> 00:09:01,710 Good. Listen, I'm pregnant. 212 00:09:02,126 --> 00:09:05,626 [laughs] 213 00:09:07,918 --> 00:09:09,126 Are you sure it's mine? 214 00:09:09,210 --> 00:09:10,835 I'm sure. It's yours. 215 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,460 Ahh, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet! 216 00:09:12,543 --> 00:09:13,460 I love you. 217 00:09:13,543 --> 00:09:14,418 Okay, bye-bye! 218 00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:20,126 It was Oprah. [laughs] 219 00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:21,043 She's having our baby. 220 00:09:21,126 --> 00:09:22,501 Yeah! 221 00:09:22,585 --> 00:09:24,335 I can't hear you. My cell phone's breaking up. 222 00:09:24,418 --> 00:09:25,710 I can't hear you. 223 00:09:25,793 --> 00:09:26,918 Sounds like your phone is breaking up. 224 00:09:27,793 --> 00:09:28,585 What? 225 00:09:29,251 --> 00:09:29,918 What? 226 00:09:30,501 --> 00:09:31,251 What? 227 00:09:32,043 --> 00:09:33,043 What? 228 00:09:33,543 --> 00:09:34,293 What? 229 00:09:35,085 --> 00:09:36,085 What? 230 00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:37,210 -Okay! -Yeah! 231 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,085 -Yeah! -Yeah! 232 00:09:38,168 --> 00:09:39,376 -Yeah. -What? 233 00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:40,335 -What? -Okay! 234 00:09:40,418 --> 00:09:41,418 -Okay. -Yeah! 235 00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:43,043 Affirmative. Huh? 236 00:09:43,126 --> 00:09:44,251 Roger! Yeah! 237 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,793 What? 238 00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:47,835 Melting down! Ahh! 239 00:09:47,918 --> 00:09:49,085 Bye, nigger! 240 00:09:49,168 --> 00:09:50,251 [female announcer] You've just watched 241 00:09:50,085 --> 00:09:51,668 "A moment in the life of Lil Jon." 242 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,460 Hey, gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break. 243 00:09:56,543 --> 00:09:57,543 Don't go anywhere. 244 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,835 Man, I'm bored. 245 00:10:03,918 --> 00:10:05,126 I got to go to the Chappelle show. 246 00:10:06,710 --> 00:10:08,001 Hey everybody. Welcome back. 247 00:10:09,085 --> 00:10:12,210 Welcome back to the show. 248 00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:15,876 You know, I've talked about a lot of things on the show. 249 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,251 I've made fun of so many different people. 250 00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:20,460 And people say, Dave, you talk about everybody 251 00:10:20,543 --> 00:10:21,543 except the President. 252 00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:22,793 Why didn't you do that? 253 00:10:22,876 --> 00:10:25,043 Well, 'cause he's the President. 254 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,376 Now, I know my limits, ladies and gentlemen, 255 00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:29,876 and I wouldn't want to cross them, 256 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:30,918 but I will say this. 257 00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:35,460 If our President were Black, 258 00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:37,501 we would not be at war right now. 259 00:10:37,585 --> 00:10:38,835 Not because a black person 260 00:10:38,918 --> 00:10:40,043 wouldn't have done something like that. 261 00:10:40,126 --> 00:10:42,168 It's because America wouldn't let a black person 262 00:10:42,251 --> 00:10:43,293 do something like that 263 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,335 without asking them a million questions. 264 00:10:46,418 --> 00:10:47,835 You know, they always do polls, 265 00:10:47,918 --> 00:10:51,418 like, "Minorities just don't seem to trust the government. 266 00:10:51,501 --> 00:10:53,668 Because you don't understand what it looks like for US 267 00:10:53,751 --> 00:10:55,501 So let me help paint the picture. 268 00:10:55,585 --> 00:10:58,918 Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you now, "Black Bush." 269 00:11:02,001 --> 00:11:03,626 [female narrator] President Bush continues 270 00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:05,460 to make his case for an invasion of Iraq. 271 00:11:05,543 --> 00:11:07,293 After carefully examining the region, 272 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,335 me and my cabinet agree that that area 273 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,251 is definitely ripe for regime change. 274 00:11:11,335 --> 00:11:12,251 A'ight? 275 00:11:12,335 --> 00:11:13,293 But if I can be real about it-- 276 00:11:13,376 --> 00:11:14,668 -Be real, son. -Real? 277 00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:16,251 Be real real, son. 278 00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:17,626 Tried to kill my father, man. 279 00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:18,501 [all] Word. 280 00:11:18,585 --> 00:11:19,710 I don't play that shit. 281 00:11:19,793 --> 00:11:21,376 Say word, he tried to kill your father, son. 282 00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:23,460 That nigger tried to kill my father! 283 00:11:23,543 --> 00:11:25,168 Word to everything we love, 284 00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,585 we coming to see y'all, son. 285 00:11:28,751 --> 00:11:30,126 [female announcer] Meanwhile, President Bush 286 00:11:30,210 --> 00:11:31,918 and British Prime Minister Tony Blair 287 00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:35,001 offered a spirited explanation for a possible war with Iraq. 288 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:38,126 This nigger very possibly has weapons of mass destruction. 289 00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:39,668 I can't sleep on that. 290 00:11:39,751 --> 00:11:41,126 Not on my watch! 291 00:11:41,210 --> 00:11:43,335 That's not how I roll. That shit is serious! 292 00:11:43,418 --> 00:11:45,251 Now, if you don't want to take my word for it, 293 00:11:45,335 --> 00:11:46,501 why don't you ask Tony Blair? 294 00:11:46,585 --> 00:11:48,085 He got a whole 'nother set of intelligence. 295 00:11:48,168 --> 00:11:49,376 What's up, Tony? 296 00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:52,251 We don't know much about Saddam, 297 00:11:52,335 --> 00:11:54,293 but we can't trust random niggers 298 00:11:54,376 --> 00:11:57,418 with things like that, as George so eloquently put it. 299 00:11:57,501 --> 00:11:59,793 I'm with him 100% of the way. 300 00:11:59,876 --> 00:12:02,210 We don't know what he has. 301 00:12:04,251 --> 00:12:05,918 [male narrator] If the United States goes 302 00:12:06,001 --> 00:12:07,043 to war with Iraq, 303 00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,126 will it first have to provide evidence 304 00:12:09,210 --> 00:12:12,293 that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction? 305 00:12:12,376 --> 00:12:15,085 So far, the UN has found nothing, 306 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:18,210 but President Bush counters with this: 307 00:12:18,043 --> 00:12:20,043 The nigger bought aluminum tubes! 308 00:12:20,126 --> 00:12:21,960 Do I need to tell you 309 00:12:22,043 --> 00:12:24,376 what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube? 310 00:12:25,168 --> 00:12:25,918 Aluminum! 311 00:12:27,251 --> 00:12:28,168 That don't scare you? 312 00:12:28,251 --> 00:12:30,168 Fine. I didn't want say this. 313 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,501 The motherfucker bought some yellow cake, okay, in Africa. 314 00:12:35,585 --> 00:12:37,543 He went to Africa, and he bought yellow cake. 315 00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:38,751 Are you sure? 316 00:12:38,835 --> 00:12:40,418 Yes, I'm sure, bitch! 317 00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:42,710 I got the Head of C. I. A. right here, he'll tell you! 318 00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:44,668 What up? Are you sure? 319 00:12:44,751 --> 00:12:46,168 Are you sure? 320 00:12:46,251 --> 00:12:48,043 I can't believe you mother fuckers. 321 00:12:48,126 --> 00:12:50,126 This is ridiculous. Ridiculous! 322 00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:53,168 Me and Jeb just coming back from Africa. 323 00:12:53,251 --> 00:12:55,085 Cradle of fucking civilization. 324 00:12:55,168 --> 00:12:57,835 -And this nigger out here buying yellow cake. 325 00:12:57,918 --> 00:12:59,251 From the motherland. 326 00:12:59,085 --> 00:13:01,126 Are you sure it was yellow cake? 327 00:13:01,210 --> 00:13:02,293 Y'all niggers don't believe me, 328 00:13:02,376 --> 00:13:04,085 I got some yellow cake right here! 329 00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:05,960 Look, you see? You believe this shit now? 330 00:13:06,043 --> 00:13:07,543 Don't drop that shit! 331 00:13:07,626 --> 00:13:09,418 I know. I know what to do with it! 332 00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:12,126 That's why I got it wrapped up in this special C. I. A. napkin. 333 00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:13,501 Just don't drop that shit here. 334 00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:15,210 You better hope I don't drop this shit! 335 00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:17,251 Pray to God you don't drop that shit. 336 00:13:17,085 --> 00:13:18,251 Yellow cake. 337 00:13:18,335 --> 00:13:19,168 Fucking right. 338 00:13:21,085 --> 00:13:22,960 [Male announcer] A sensitive accusation 339 00:13:23,043 --> 00:13:24,126 for this administration 340 00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:26,335 is the theory held by many that the real reason 341 00:13:26,418 --> 00:13:29,168 the US Is so interested in toppling Saddam 342 00:13:29,251 --> 00:13:32,210 is control of the oil that Iraq is sitting on. 343 00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:33,501 What about people who say 344 00:13:33,585 --> 00:13:35,460 you're only interested in the middle east for oil? 345 00:13:36,126 --> 00:13:36,710 What? 346 00:13:37,543 --> 00:13:38,335 Huh? Oil? 347 00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:40,668 Who said something about oil, bitch? 348 00:13:40,751 --> 00:13:42,585 Are you cooking? Oil? 349 00:13:45,335 --> 00:13:46,293 Man, I don't know what-- 350 00:13:46,376 --> 00:13:47,251 Come on y'all. Get out of here! 351 00:13:49,251 --> 00:13:50,376 [announcer] President Bush met 352 00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:52,085 with UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan 353 00:13:52,168 --> 00:13:54,668 and made it clear the US will act 354 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:57,043 even if the UN is reluctant. 355 00:13:57,126 --> 00:13:58,668 UN, you have a problem with that, 356 00:13:58,751 --> 00:13:59,751 you know what you should do? 357 00:13:59,835 --> 00:14:01,043 You should sanction me. 358 00:14:01,126 --> 00:14:02,918 Sanction me with your army. 359 00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:04,668 Oh, wait a minute! 360 00:14:04,751 --> 00:14:06,168 You don't have an army! 361 00:14:06,251 --> 00:14:08,293 I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up! 362 00:14:08,376 --> 00:14:10,251 That's what I'd do if I didn't have no army. 363 00:14:10,085 --> 00:14:11,501 I would shh! The fuck up. 364 00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:13,710 Shut the fuck up! 365 00:14:13,793 --> 00:14:15,376 That's right, Kofi Annan. 366 00:14:15,460 --> 00:14:17,126 Think I'm gonna take orders from an African? 367 00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:19,835 You might speak 16 languages, but you gonna need them 368 00:14:19,918 --> 00:14:21,835 when you in times square selling fake hats. 369 00:14:21,918 --> 00:14:23,251 I know Gucci when I see it, nigger. 370 00:14:23,085 --> 00:14:24,793 I'm rich. 371 00:14:24,876 --> 00:14:27,168 I got a coalition of the willing. 372 00:14:27,251 --> 00:14:30,460 I got 40 nations ready to roll, son! 373 00:14:31,418 --> 00:14:32,210 Like who? 374 00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:33,835 Who the fuck said that? 375 00:14:33,918 --> 00:14:35,251 Huh? Huh? 376 00:14:35,335 --> 00:14:36,085 Like who? 377 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,085 England. 378 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:40,210 Japan's sending Play Stations. 379 00:14:40,043 --> 00:14:44,168 Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad. 380 00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,376 Rickety row is coming! 381 00:14:46,460 --> 00:14:48,918 Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu nation. 382 00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:51,460 That means I am not doing this by myself, 383 00:14:51,543 --> 00:14:55,001 and I am not disrespecting the UN, 384 00:14:55,085 --> 00:14:56,210 even though they don't got no army. 385 00:14:57,626 --> 00:14:59,335 Go sell some medicine, bitches! 386 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,168 I'm trying to get that oil-- 387 00:15:02,251 --> 00:15:03,501 Oh! [coughs] 388 00:15:08,501 --> 00:15:10,376 [female announcer] The US fired the opening salvo 389 00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:11,543 in the war on Iraq 390 00:15:11,626 --> 00:15:13,418 with at least 40 tomahawk cruise missiles 391 00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:16,376 and precision guided bombs, centering on Baghdad. 392 00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,251 ["Hail to the chief" playing] 393 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,335 [male announcer] Good evening. 394 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,168 Tonight, President George Bush is on board 395 00:15:21,251 --> 00:15:23,460 the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln 396 00:15:23,543 --> 00:15:25,335 off the California coast. 397 00:15:25,418 --> 00:15:27,418 It will be the site of what is essentially 398 00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:30,251 his victory speech in the war against Iraq. 399 00:15:31,251 --> 00:15:32,085 [clears throat] 400 00:15:32,168 --> 00:15:33,543 What did I say? 401 00:15:33,626 --> 00:15:35,376 I'm not gloating, but what did I say? 402 00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:37,376 Did I not say that we would win that shit? 403 00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:39,710 We rocked them 'bamas! We rocked them! 404 00:15:39,793 --> 00:15:41,876 [whispering] Nigger, you see me come in on that plane? 405 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:42,876 Shhhhooo. 406 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960 Da-da-da-da-da-da-dah! 407 00:15:47,126 --> 00:15:48,168 [announcer] For the second straight day, 408 00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:49,418 these hard-line Iraqis 409 00:15:49,501 --> 00:15:51,918 protested the American presence here. 410 00:15:53,168 --> 00:15:54,501 Mr. President, when do you think 411 00:15:54,585 --> 00:15:57,168 they'll hold general elections in Iraq? 412 00:15:57,251 --> 00:15:59,043 Damn, I knew I shouldn't have called on this nigger! 413 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,085 I should not have called on you 'cause you're always 414 00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:02,251 trying to distract motherfuckers 415 00:16:02,335 --> 00:16:05,793 with things like the war and skirt all the real issues. 416 00:16:07,126 --> 00:16:08,543 Gay people are getting married, folks. 417 00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:09,710 Yes. 418 00:16:10,710 --> 00:16:12,960 Nasty! Imagine that. 419 00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:16,043 Two women touching on each other's tittie balls, 420 00:16:17,085 --> 00:16:18,043 wrestling them, 421 00:16:18,126 --> 00:16:19,960 gently stroking those nipples 422 00:16:20,043 --> 00:16:23,335 till they get just so stiff and erect! 423 00:16:23,418 --> 00:16:24,210 Blowing on them. 424 00:16:24,293 --> 00:16:27,085 [blowing] 425 00:16:30,710 --> 00:16:32,293 Men. Barbecue. 426 00:16:32,376 --> 00:16:34,751 "I like you." "I like you too, dog." 427 00:16:34,835 --> 00:16:36,418 "Let's get married, man." 428 00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:37,668 It's crazy! 429 00:16:37,751 --> 00:16:39,960 -What about your-- -That shit is gross! 430 00:16:43,751 --> 00:16:46,085 Mr. President. Mr. President, sir. 431 00:16:46,168 --> 00:16:49,210 How do you explain the continual upheaval in Iraq 432 00:16:49,043 --> 00:16:51,168 even after the capture of Saddam Hussein? 433 00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:53,126 Why are you doing this, man? 434 00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:55,460 I thought you was my black brother. 435 00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:57,793 Why you asking me questions like that? 436 00:16:57,876 --> 00:16:59,668 Fine, I'll answer your stupid-ass question. 437 00:16:59,751 --> 00:17:01,251 Here's what I feel about Iraq. 438 00:17:01,085 --> 00:17:04,085 I feel like you guys keep trying to distract people with Iraq 439 00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:06,001 when I'm focusing on other things, 440 00:17:06,085 --> 00:17:08,001 namely the moon. 441 00:17:08,085 --> 00:17:10,460 Yes, I said it, the moon. 442 00:17:10,543 --> 00:17:11,335 Can't be distracted. 443 00:17:11,418 --> 00:17:12,876 "What's going on with the war? 444 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,085 What's wrong with the economy?" 445 00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:16,501 Stop worrying about that! I got that shit under control! 446 00:17:16,585 --> 00:17:19,126 Let's focus on space, nigger. 447 00:17:19,210 --> 00:17:21,210 The United States of Space. 448 00:17:21,293 --> 00:17:22,460 'Cause I ain't stopping at the moon. 449 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,501 Write this down: 450 00:17:25,168 --> 00:17:27,835 M-A-R-S. 451 00:17:27,918 --> 00:17:29,001 Mars, bitches. 452 00:17:29,085 --> 00:17:30,501 That's where we are going. 453 00:17:30,585 --> 00:17:31,835 Mars. Red rocks! 454 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:32,710 Yeah, yeah! 455 00:17:39,585 --> 00:17:41,335 I'd like to thank each and every one of you 456 00:17:41,418 --> 00:17:42,460 for being here 457 00:17:42,543 --> 00:17:45,043 and everyone at home for supporting the show. 458 00:17:45,126 --> 00:17:47,001 It's been an amazing season. 459 00:17:47,085 --> 00:17:49,585 We love you. We thank you for it. 460 00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:51,210 We shook up the world! 461 00:17:51,626 --> 00:17:52,210 I'm out! 462 00:17:56,085 --> 00:17:57,501 I'm rich, bitch! 463 00:17:57,585 --> 00:17:59,168 -[horn blowing] -Hi, thank you. 464 00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:01,626 Who do you know in Iraq? 465 00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:02,585 Go ahead, say what you was gonna say. 466 00:18:02,668 --> 00:18:04,376 -the war is over! The war is over! 467 00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:06,043 [rolls tongue] 468 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,251 You know who this is? 469 00:18:07,085 --> 00:18:08,210 Antwone Fisher. 470 00:18:08,293 --> 00:18:09,376 He's still here. 471 00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:10,668 He's still standing. 472 00:18:10,751 --> 00:18:12,001 He's still strong! 473 00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:13,043 Just like America! 474 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,668 Antwone, take a bow! 475 00:18:16,126 --> 00:18:17,418 Some brave teachers. 476 00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:18,585 Big up to you, teachers. 477 00:18:19,543 --> 00:18:20,668 There's a milkman in the house. 478 00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:21,876 What's popping? 479 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,793 Rock steady crew's in the house. 480 00:18:23,876 --> 00:18:25,585 Crazy legs. What's up, my nigger?