♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
Oww!
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪
(cheers and applause) (announcer) Dave Chappelle!
(cheers and applause) Whoa!
What's up?
(cheers and applause)
What's up on the top?
Man.
(cheers and applause)
You know, ah...
y'know what's funny, man,
there's two things that start happening to me a lot now,
since I started the second season.
One, like, when I walk down the street,
people always scream stuff out.
Like, I'll be with my kids, and people be like,
"I'm Rick James, bitch." And all this stuff.
The other thing that happens,
and which I think is the worst,
is when people come up to me and try to give me ideas
for the show.
Send them shits through the proper channels, all right.
Now, I'm not saying I'm not open,
just pick your spots.
As a matter of fact, if you knew
what was going through my mind
when you pitch me that kind of stuff,
you wouldn't even talk to me,
because I'll think about anything
but what you're talking about.
For example...
I love you, baby.
Oh, I know you do. Come here, girl,
give me some.
Excuse me, I hate to interrupt,
but I just had to say hello.
Hey, man, how you doing?
Is this a bad time?
You kinda caught me in the middle of something...
Cool. So, I'm sure you get this all the time,
but I have the perfect idea for you.
It's a movie. Is it cool if I sit down?
This'll only take a minute.
I'm Frank Feldman.
You kind of caught me and the wife at a bad time.
We were just... It's a love story.
You play an underground street poet
named Colt 45.
He's a rebel with a big heart.
He's a loner because his wife has been killed
by the chief financial officer of the company...
(thinking) Bicycle. ...that she used to work for...
Monkey.
Ashy Larry.
...volunteer veterinarian on Wednesdays...
I wonder what Arsenio's doing right now.
He probably at a wine and cheese party.
Damn, that's some good-ass cheese!
If you don't tell him how good the cheese is,
he'll be mad.
How come you didn't tell me how good the cheese was?
Motherfucker.
Some good-ass cheese, man--
What are you looking at? I was...
Bob Eubanks-lookin' motherfucker,
you should've told me how good the cheese was!
I was thinking the villain
could be played by Rod Stewart...
Man, I should've been a rapper.
That look like fun.
♪ How you gonna rip it like this, son ♪
♪ How you gonna rip it like that, son ♪
♪ I don't play that because it's action ♪♪
But I need a gimmick.
♪ ...that's right I'm the Black Sheep ♪
♪ The real Black Sheep ♪
♪ I'm the real Black Sheep, the real Black Sheep ♪
♪ I say ugh... ♪
...so we have this big showdown
at the foot of the space shuttle...
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
...my company is willing to offer you $12,000,000.
(cash register ding) $12,000,000!
Frank, right?
You want something to drink?
Waitress, get this nigga something to drink.
Look, Frank, I don't know if you know this,
y'know those skits on Chappelle's Show,
I write a lot of those.
And I'm thinking maybe I could give you some ideas
to make Colt a more interesting character.
I would love to hear 'em.
All right, well, instead of calling him Colt 45,
first of all, we've got to change the name...
(thinking) Nascar race.
Unicorns.
Dirty diapers.
...instead of the space shuttle,
we make it right on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
That's good.
(thinking) Wonder what my girl thinkin' about.
You know who I'd love to have sex with...
(chuckling)
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le do-de-le-lo... ♪♪
All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.
Don't go nowhere, we'll be right back.
(cheers and applause)
♪ Chappelle's Show-- Wow ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Dave, it's Oprah.
Oh, hey, what's up, girl?
Look, Dave, I'm pregnant.
Are you sure it's mine?
No, Dave, listen, it's yours.
Got ya, bitch! What?
Just hold on one second.
(Dave) All right, look, Oprah,
I'm gonna fly to Chicago tomorrow, okay?
But I'm going to need you to send me a ticket.
I'll fly you out.
Oh, oh, oh, and baby,
could you have a limousine pick me up
at the baggage claim because I don't have
no cab money to get from the airport to your house.
Okay, sure thing.
Thanks, boo.
Oprah... I love you, baby.
I love you too, David Chappelle.
All right, I'm gonna go to work and tell everybody
the good news tomorrow, and I'll see you in Chicago.
Bye-bye.
Hey, everybody, I got an announcement to make!
Ding, ding, ding ding, ding!
I quit!
Oh!
Kiss my ass, everybody!
Excuse me, can I have a quick word with you?
Ah, kiss my ass.
Can you type a memo of that and send it around?
(chuckling)
I quit!
Dave, what's gotten into you?
Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me,
it's what's gotten into Oprah:
My seed, son!
I'm rich, bitch!
Hey, hey, you know I never approved this.
Nobody ever listens to me around here.
I'm not dangerous!
At least I wasn't dangerous.
Aah!
Morgan?
Guys, I almost forgot...
remember your spirit.
(fart)
(laughing)
Oh, it sprayed.
I'll see you in Chicago.
♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
Bye, baby, have a good day at work.
Try to stay off your feet, boo.
♪ In the sky... ♪
(grunting)
Yeah, that feels... oh, that... (Oprah) Hello.
Hey, baby, how was the show?
Not bad.
Oh, this is Chung Lee.
Chung Lee, this is my baby's momma, Oprah.
Baby, hey, baby, you mind if I get a happy ending?
She didn't say no.
All right, I'm ready.
(Oprah) I'm home.
Hey, baby.
It's Bruce Lee's brother.
Hello, I love your show.
$7,000 an hour.
Sounds expensive, but I think
the safety of you and our baby are priceless, all right?
Check this out.
(both screaming)
Get away from Oprah!
(laughing)
(Oprah) Hello.
Hey, baby, how was the show?
Oh, oh, this is Felicia.
Felicia, this is my baby's momma, Oprah.
Mm-wah!
Be out in a minute, sweetie.
I'm just painting, finishing up.
Let me fill this out a little bit over here...
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up that hill ♪
♪ Now we're up in the big leagues ♪
♪ I gettin' my turn at bat... ♪
(Oprah) David. Oh, snap!
Hey, everybody, it's the lady that made it all possible.
Give it up for my baby's momma,
Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.
What's happening, baby? How was the show?
Why don't you go ahead and run the bathwater,
and I'll come and put some salt in a minute.
I know your feet probably hurting.
All right, now, all right.
Hey, Steve, you mind pushing the button?
I'm gonna take it from the top.
♪ Fish don't fry in the kitchen ♪
♪ Beans don't burn on the grill ♪
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up that hill... ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello? You again.
Look, Stedman, you gonna have to move on, alright?
No, fuck that, I don't care what y'all had.
She's having my baby, okay?
So you leave this family alone.
I love her!
Fine, whatever, bitch.
(Oprah) Dave, honey, who was that on the phone?
Baby, it's nobody.
It was for me.
Just go back in the bath.
Stedman Graham, if you fuck this up for me...
There you go! Yes, yeah!
You did it, boo, you...
What the fuck!
Nigga looks just like Dr. Phil!
Women are smart--
men are stupid.
Oh, shit!
Oprah, what about our dreams, huh?
Sorry, Dave.
What am I gonna do now? I quit my job.
Shit!
Stedman...
we gonna get this bitch.
(laughing)
(cackling)
(echoing) Oprah!
Uh...
you know, me and my co-writer,
producer/creator
friend of mine, Neal Brennan,
we always have this on-going discussion.
Every time there's a black celebrity in trouble,
Neal doesn't believe that I never think he's guilty,
and the reason he thinks that
is because I never think they're guilty.
It's just how I roll, man.
To me, it's all about reasonable doubt.
What's reasonable doubt to a white person, you know,
might not be a reasonable doubt to a black person.
If they had me on jury selection
at some of these celebrity trials,
it'd be a long day, a long day.
(man) Ah, Mr. Chappelle? Yes.
Are you aware that Mr. Simpson is going to be
on trial for a double homicide?
Yeah, I heard about it.
It's all bullshit, man.
O.J. Ain't gonna kill nobody, he's rich.
But Mr. Chappelle, what if I told you
that we had DNA evidence
linking Mr. Simpson to the scene of the crime?
Then I'd have to ask you where you found it.
In his bedroom, at the crime scene,
and in his car.
In the car? Right in his car.
Damn.
And in the bedroom too?
In the bedroom.
Damn.
I... damn.
Then I'd probably just ask you, "how'd they find it?"
The police found a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property.
Sir, I'm not impressed, all right.
Who... what black man don't have some bloody gloves
on his property?
Nigga, I got one right here.
That don't mean I did anything.
Sir, if somebody murdered your family,
and the police found a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property,
and a witness heard strange bangings
minutes after the murders...
I'd have to be real confused
because nobody in my family beef with O.J. like that.
And we would've killed O.J.
after the first time he beat my sister up.
We would've whupped his ass.
We would've made real orange juice out of that nigga.
So, you ain't gonna find no bloody gloves.
If anything happened, you can quote me, sir,
they would find some bloody gloves
at our house.
But this was before...
O.J. would be dead, nigga, and that's real.
Detective Mark Fuhrman was one of the lead detectives--
Fuhrman? --on the case and--
Fuhrman? He's a racist, it's a racist name.
Fuhrman. You're sayin', what is he a furor, German?
Fuhrman, German.
Sound a little familiar to you?
I'm sorry, sir, but he probably says "nigger" a lot,
with a name like that.
I can't comment.
I bet you can't.
But as a person that says "nigger" a lot,
trust me.
That nigga says "nigger" all the time.
Mr. Chappelle, are you suggesting that,
because one of the detectives is a possible racist,
and because there may have been
some minor oversights in the investigation,
that it completely lets O.J. off the hook?
Exactamundo! The defense rests, sir.
Mr. Chappelle--
No further questions!
Will you at least admit that O.J. more than likely
killed his wife?
Sir, my blackness will not permit me
to make a statement like that.
You're dismissed.
Are you aware of the charges
that Michael Jackson is currently facing?
Yes, sir.
Ah, and for the record,
these charges hurt me the most.
So he's guilty.
Look, man, look, Michael Jackson
has many faces,
none of 'em look guilty to me.
You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.
He's been accused of this more than once.
So, some people say that cucumbers taste better pickled.
What? Huh?
What if I told you that the accusers
correctly described Michael's penis
to investigators?
Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis,
but I bet you that I could describe it.
All right, let me guess.
There's a head, a shaft, some balls,
hair, maybe pressed, permed hair,
with glitter sprinkled on it.
That is correct.
Whoa, how'd I know?
Come on, dude, I couldn't pick my own penis
out of a lineup, all right?
And me and my penis is like this, son.
What about Michael saying it's okay to have
children sleep with him?
That don't mean anything.
I'm sure there's plenty of kids that sleep in the bed
with their adults all the time, and nothing happens.
So you do you think Michael Jackson
is guilty of the charges against him?
No, man.
He made "Thriller."
"Thriller."
So you'd let your children sleep with him.
Fuck no!
Eww.
Are you aware that Robert Blake
is facing a charge of murder?
Oh, yeah.
Baretta did that shit.
Mr. Chappelle, are you aware
that Robert Kelly is being charged
with child pornography?
Yes, I've heard of such things.
You've seen the video tapes?
Have I seen it! Like, 80 times.
You know the part where he's waiting for her
to come over, and he's looking in the camera
like... (soft grunts)
So, you think that it was Robert Kelly on the tape?
Well, I'd have to say it was.
So, then, you believe
he urinated on a 15-year-old girl.
Whoa, hold on, lady! I didn't say all that.
You know, with these tapes, they can do a lot of things.
For all I know, that piss was digital.
They-- They get crazy with special effects.
Look, look, check this out.
I didn't even just do that.
Did I do that?
That piss was digital.
They'll do crazy stuff with special effects.
What about the girl corroborating the story?
So what?
How much money does this girl stand to make
by "corroborating" this story?
I tell you what, you give me that kind of money,
R. Kelly can fart in my dinner tonight.
Spray-fart.
So, besides the tape
and the girl corroborating the allegations,
what more would it take for you to believe he's guilty?
All right, if I saw a tape of R. Kelly
peeing on a girl while he was singing
"Piss On You"...
♪ Lovers wanna love... ♪
...and the girl was holding two forms of government ID...
...while a police officer was there,
like, four or five of my buddies
and Neal taking notes...
Well... I'm not finished.
And his grandmother has to be there
to confirm his identity.
That's my Robert, always peeing on people.
Don't forget her hair, Robert.
Yes, grandmother.
Mr. Chappelle, isn't that excessive?
No, no, it's not excessive.
Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state,
on the state!
You have got to prove to me,
beyond a reasonable doubt,
whether or not this man is a pisser.
Aren't your doubts unreasonable?
No, it's not unreasonable.
Look, we're talking about a justice system
that had 500 people whose cases were overturned
by DNA evidence.
I've seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga,
and they said that they had reasonable doubt.
I got my doubts too, all right?
How come they didn't find Big and Tupac's murderers
but they arrest O.J. the next day?
Nicole Simpson can't rap.
I want justice!
You are all...
this whole goddamn court is out of order, everybody.
Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed.
And that's from the heart.
(cheers and applause)
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back, everybody.
Tonight's musical guest is one of my favorite MCs, man,
and part of one of my favorite groups.
He's a great solo artist.
Give it up for Wyclef Jean.
(applause)
♪ Election time is coming... ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ An old man told me ♪
♪ Instead of spending ♪
♪ Billions on the war ♪
♪ We can use some of that money ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ I know some so poor ♪
♪ When it rains, that's when they shower shower ♪
♪ Screaming "fight the power" ♪
♪ That's when the vulture devoured ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ But the radio won't play this ♪
♪ They call it rebel music ♪
♪ How can you refuse it ♪
♪ Children of Moses ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ Tell the children the truth, the truth ♪
♪ Christopher Columbus didn't discover America ♪
♪ Tell them the truth, the truth ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Tell them about Marcus Garvey ♪
♪ Tell the children the truth ♪
♪ Yeah, the truth ♪
♪ Tell them about Martin Luther King ♪
♪ Tell them the truth, the truth ♪
♪ Tell them about JFK ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ I'd get elected on Friday ♪
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
♪ If I was president ♪
♪ If I was president ♪♪
Yeah, that's the truth right there.
(cheers and applause)
I'd like to thank my guest Wyclef Jean,
I'd like to thank everybody at home for watching.
You guys are the greatest. Now, I'll see you next week.
(cheers and applause)
I'm rich, biatch! (horn honking)
(woman) Hi, thank you.
Mmm.
Some good-ass cheese, shit...
Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.
(coughing)
I ate too much of that good-ass cheese.
Say "yes, grandmama" to the camera
Yes, grandmama.
Turn a little bit more. That's good.
Huh, you're lost?
(laughter)
♪♪