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00:00:02,668 --> 00:00:04,126
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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00:00:04,210 --> 00:00:05,543
Oww!
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♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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00:00:08,585 --> 00:00:10,793
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪♪
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(cheers and applause)
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
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(cheers and applause)
Whoa!
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00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:19,710
What's up?
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00:00:19,793 --> 00:00:21,043
(cheers and applause)
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00:00:21,126 --> 00:00:23,668
What's up on the top?
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Man.
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00:00:25,376 --> 00:00:27,001
(cheers and applause)
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00:00:27,085 --> 00:00:30,626
You know, ah...
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y'know what's funny, man,
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there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,
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00:00:36,335 --> 00:00:38,168
since I started
the second season.
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00:00:38,251 --> 00:00:40,043
One, like,
when I walk down the street,
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00:00:40,126 --> 00:00:41,293
people always
scream stuff out.
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Like, I'll be with my kids,
and people be like,
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"I'm Rick James, bitch."
And all this stuff.
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The other thing
that happens,
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and which I think is
the worst,
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00:00:49,043 --> 00:00:51,710
is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideas
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00:00:51,793 --> 00:00:53,210
for the show.
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00:00:53,043 --> 00:00:55,543
Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.
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00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:57,585
Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,
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just pick your spots.
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As a matter of fact,
if you knew
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00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:01,335
what was
going through my mind
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00:01:01,418 --> 00:01:03,001
when you pitch me
that kind of stuff,
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00:01:03,085 --> 00:01:04,043
you wouldn't even
talk to me,
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00:01:04,126 --> 00:01:05,501
because I'll think
about anything
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00:01:05,585 --> 00:01:07,668
but what you're talking about.
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For example...
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I love you, baby.
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Oh, I know you do.
Come here, girl,
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give me some.
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Excuse me,
I hate to
interrupt,
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but I just had
to say hello.
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Hey, man, how you doing?
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Is this a bad time?
42
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You kinda caught me
in the middle of something...
43
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Cool. So, I'm sure
you get this all the
time,
44
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,001
but I have
the perfect idea for
you.
45
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It's a movie.
Is it cool if I sit
down?
46
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This'll only
take a
minute.
47
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I'm Frank Feldman.
48
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You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.
49
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We were just...
It's a love story.
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You play
an underground
street poet
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named Colt 45.
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He's a rebel
with a big
heart.
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He's a loner because
his wife has been
killed
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by the chief financial
officer of the
company...
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(thinking)
Bicycle.
...that she
used
to work for...
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Monkey.
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00:01:52,918 --> 00:01:54,418
Ashy Larry.
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...volunteer
veterinarian
on Wednesdays...
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I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.
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He probably
at a wine and cheese party.
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Damn, that's
some good-ass cheese!
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If you don't tell him
how good the cheese is,
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he'll be mad.
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How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?
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Motherfucker.
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Some good-ass cheese, man--
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What are you looking at?
I was...
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Bob Eubanks-lookin'
motherfucker,
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you should've told me
how good the cheese was!
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I was
thinking
the villain
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could be played
by Rod
Stewart...
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Man, I should've
been a rapper.
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That look like fun.
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♪ How you gonna rip
it
like this, son ♪
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♪ How you gonna rip
it
like that, son ♪
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♪ I don't play that
because it's action
♪♪
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But I need a gimmick.
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♪ ...that's right
I'm the Black Sheep
♪
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♪ The real Black Sheep ♪
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♪ I'm the real Black
Sheep,
the real Black Sheep ♪
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♪ I say ugh... ♪
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...so we have
this big showdown
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at the foot
of the space
shuttle...
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♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
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♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
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♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
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...my company is willing
to offer you $12,000,000.
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(cash register ding)
$12,000,000!
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00:03:02,168 --> 00:03:03,626
Frank, right?
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00:03:03,710 --> 00:03:05,335
You want
something to drink?
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Waitress, get this nigga
something to drink.
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Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,
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y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show,
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I write a lot of those.
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And I'm thinking maybe
I could give you some ideas
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to make Colt a more
interesting character.
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I would love to hear 'em.
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All right, well,
instead of calling him Colt
45,
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first of all, we've got
to change the name...
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(thinking)
Nascar race.
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Unicorns.
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Dirty diapers.
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...instead of the space shuttle,
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we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.
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That's good.
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(thinking)
Wonder what my girl
thinkin' about.
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You know who I'd love
to have sex with...
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(chuckling)
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♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo ♪
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♪ Do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo ♪
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♪ Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-de-le-lo... ♪♪
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All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break, y'all.
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Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause)
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♪ Chappelle's Show-- Wow ♪
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(phone ringing)
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Hello.
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Dave, it's Oprah.
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Oh, hey,
what's up, girl?
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Look, Dave,
I'm
pregnant.
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Are you sure
it's mine?
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No, Dave,
listen, it's
yours.
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Got ya, bitch!
What?
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Just hold on one second.
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(Dave)
All right, look, Oprah,
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I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay?
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But I'm going to need you
to send me a ticket.
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I'll fly you out.
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Oh, oh, oh, and baby,
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could you have
a limousine pick me up
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at the baggage claim
because I don't have
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no cab money to get
from the airport to your house.
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Okay, sure thing.
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Thanks, boo.
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Oprah...
I love you, baby.
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I love you too,
David Chappelle.
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All right, I'm gonna go to work
and tell everybody
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the good news tomorrow,
and I'll see you in Chicago.
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Bye-bye.
140
00:05:05,085 --> 00:05:07,043
Hey, everybody,
I got an announcement to make!
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Ding, ding,
ding ding, ding!
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I quit!
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Oh!
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Kiss my ass, everybody!
145
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Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?
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Ah, kiss my ass.
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Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?
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(chuckling)
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I quit!
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Dave, what's gotten into you?
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Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into
me,
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it's what's
gotten into
Oprah:
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My seed, son!
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I'm rich, bitch!
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Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.
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Nobody ever
listens to me around here.
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I'm not dangerous!
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At least
I wasn't dangerous.
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Aah!
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Morgan?
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Guys, I almost forgot...
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remember your spirit.
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(fart)
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00:06:03,626 --> 00:06:05,126
(laughing)
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Oh, it sprayed.
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I'll see you in Chicago.
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♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
168
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Bye, baby,
have a good day at
work.
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Try to stay off
your feet, boo.
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♪ In the sky... ♪
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(grunting)
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Yeah, that feels...
oh, that...
(Oprah)
Hello.
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Hey, baby,
how was the show?
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Not bad.
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Oh, this is Chung Lee.
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Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
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Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?
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She didn't say no.
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All right, I'm ready.
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(Oprah)
I'm home.
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Hey, baby.
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It's Bruce Lee's brother.
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Hello,
I love your show.
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$7,000 an hour.
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Sounds expensive,
but I think
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the safety of you and our
baby
are priceless, all right?
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Check this out.
188
00:07:03,835 --> 00:07:06,460
(both screaming)
189
00:07:06,543 --> 00:07:08,460
Get away from Oprah!
190
00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:09,960
(laughing)
191
00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:14,085
(Oprah)
Hello.
192
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:17,460
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
193
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Oh, oh,
this is
Felicia.
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Felicia, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
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Mm-wah!
196
00:07:23,668 --> 00:07:25,210
Be out
in a
minute,
sweetie.
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00:07:25,043 --> 00:07:26,793
I'm just
painting,
finishing up.
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00:07:31,376 --> 00:07:35,251
Let me fill this
out
a little bit over
here...
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♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
200
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:41,835
♪ Just to get up
that hill ♪
201
00:07:41,918 --> 00:07:44,793
♪ Now we're up
in the big leagues ♪
202
00:07:44,876 --> 00:07:46,126
♪ I gettin' my turn
at bat... ♪
203
00:07:46,210 --> 00:07:48,168
(Oprah)
David.
Oh, snap!
204
00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:51,001
Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.
205
00:07:51,085 --> 00:07:52,126
Give it up
for my baby's momma,
206
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:55,168
Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.
207
00:07:55,251 --> 00:07:58,501
What's happening, baby?
How was the show?
208
00:07:58,585 --> 00:08:00,168
Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,
209
00:08:00,251 --> 00:08:02,043
and I'll come and put
some salt in a minute.
210
00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:03,960
I know your feet
probably hurting.
211
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:06,168
All right,
now,
all right.
212
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:07,835
Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?
213
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:09,210
I'm gonna take
it
from the top.
214
00:08:10,210 --> 00:08:12,543
♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪
215
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:15,043
♪ Beans don't burn
on the grill ♪
216
00:08:15,126 --> 00:08:18,043
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
217
00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:19,835
♪ Just to get up
that hill... ♪
218
00:08:19,918 --> 00:08:22,960
(phone ringing)
219
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:26,043
Hello?
You again.
220
00:08:26,126 --> 00:08:29,168
Look, Stedman, you gonna have
to move on, alright?
221
00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:32,168
No, fuck that,
I don't care what y'all had.
222
00:08:32,251 --> 00:08:33,918
She's having my baby, okay?
223
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:36,376
So you leave this family alone.
224
00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,085
I love her!
225
00:08:38,168 --> 00:08:40,293
Fine, whatever, bitch.
226
00:08:40,376 --> 00:08:42,460
(Oprah)
Dave, honey,
who was that on the phone?
227
00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:44,210
Baby, it's nobody.
228
00:08:44,043 --> 00:08:45,376
It was for me.
229
00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:47,210
Just go back in the bath.
230
00:08:52,210 --> 00:08:55,210
Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me...
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00:08:57,210 --> 00:09:00,168
There you go!
Yes, yeah!
232
00:09:00,251 --> 00:09:01,543
You did it, boo, you...
233
00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:02,876
What the fuck!
234
00:09:04,668 --> 00:09:06,793
Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!
235
00:09:06,876 --> 00:09:09,251
Women are smart--
236
00:09:09,085 --> 00:09:11,085
men are stupid.
237
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:12,918
Oh, shit!
238
00:09:13,001 --> 00:09:15,418
Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?
239
00:09:15,501 --> 00:09:16,793
Sorry, Dave.
240
00:09:16,876 --> 00:09:19,001
What am I gonna do now?
I quit my job.
241
00:09:19,085 --> 00:09:19,918
Shit!
242
00:09:22,918 --> 00:09:25,210
Stedman...
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00:09:25,043 --> 00:09:27,668
we gonna get this bitch.
244
00:09:27,751 --> 00:09:29,585
(laughing)
245
00:09:30,835 --> 00:09:34,043
(cackling)
246
00:09:38,918 --> 00:09:41,085
(echoing)
Oprah!
247
00:09:47,668 --> 00:09:48,960
Uh...
248
00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:52,043
you know,
me and my co-writer,
249
00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:53,460
producer/creator
250
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:55,918
friend of mine, Neal Brennan,
251
00:09:56,001 --> 00:09:58,210
we always have
this on-going discussion.
252
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,626
Every time there's
a black celebrity in trouble,
253
00:10:00,710 --> 00:10:04,251
Neal doesn't believe
that I never think he's guilty,
254
00:10:04,085 --> 00:10:05,793
and the reason he thinks that
255
00:10:05,876 --> 00:10:08,418
is because I never think
they're guilty.
256
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:10,626
It's just how I roll, man.
257
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:13,668
To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.
258
00:10:13,751 --> 00:10:15,876
What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,
259
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,043
might not be a reasonable doubt
to a black person.
260
00:10:18,126 --> 00:10:19,168
If they had me on jury selection
261
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:21,126
at some of
these celebrity trials,
262
00:10:21,210 --> 00:10:23,543
it'd be a long day,
a long day.
263
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,043
(man)
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
Yes.
264
00:10:29,126 --> 00:10:31,126
Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson is going to be
265
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:32,876
on trial
for a double homicide?
266
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,501
Yeah, I heard about it.
267
00:10:34,585 --> 00:10:35,876
It's all bullshit, man.
268
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,918
O.J. Ain't gonna
kill
nobody, he's rich.
269
00:10:38,001 --> 00:10:40,585
But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told you
270
00:10:40,668 --> 00:10:42,210
that we had DNA evidence
271
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:45,710
linking Mr. Simpson
to the scene of the crime?
272
00:10:45,793 --> 00:10:48,751
Then I'd have to ask
you
where you found it.
273
00:10:48,835 --> 00:10:51,001
In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,
274
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:52,626
and in his car.
275
00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:55,168
In the car?
Right in his car.
276
00:10:55,251 --> 00:10:56,293
Damn.
277
00:10:56,376 --> 00:10:58,210
And in the bedroom too?
278
00:10:58,293 --> 00:10:59,585
In the bedroom.
279
00:10:59,668 --> 00:11:01,793
Damn.
280
00:11:01,876 --> 00:11:04,793
I... damn.
281
00:11:04,876 --> 00:11:08,710
Then I'd probably just ask
you,
"how'd they find it?"
282
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,376
The police found
a bloody glove
283
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:12,668
on O.J.'s property.
284
00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:15,168
Sir, I'm not
impressed,
all right.
285
00:11:15,251 --> 00:11:17,918
Who... what black man
don't
have some bloody gloves
286
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:19,043
on his property?
287
00:11:19,126 --> 00:11:20,418
Nigga,
I got one right
here.
288
00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:22,626
That don't mean
I did anything.
289
00:11:22,710 --> 00:11:26,210
Sir, if somebody
murdered your family,
290
00:11:26,043 --> 00:11:27,835
and the police found
a bloody glove
291
00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:29,251
on O.J.'s property,
292
00:11:29,085 --> 00:11:31,210
and a witness heard
strange bangings
293
00:11:31,293 --> 00:11:34,168
minutes
after the murders...
294
00:11:34,251 --> 00:11:36,126
I'd have to be
real confused
295
00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:38,710
because nobody in my
family
beef with O.J. like that.
296
00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:40,501
And we would've killed O.J.
297
00:11:40,585 --> 00:11:42,168
after the first time
he beat my sister up.
298
00:11:42,251 --> 00:11:43,543
We would've
whupped his ass.
299
00:11:43,626 --> 00:11:45,126
We would've made real
orange juice out of that
nigga.
300
00:11:45,210 --> 00:11:47,876
So, you ain't gonna
find no bloody
gloves.
301
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,960
If anything happened,
you can quote me, sir,
302
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,793
they would find
some bloody gloves
303
00:11:53,876 --> 00:11:55,210
at our house.
304
00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:56,376
But this was before...
305
00:11:56,460 --> 00:12:00,001
O.J. would be dead,
nigga, and that's
real.
306
00:12:00,085 --> 00:12:02,210
Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives--
307
00:12:02,293 --> 00:12:03,835
Fuhrman?
--on the case and--
308
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:06,876
Fuhrman? He's a
racist,
it's a racist name.
309
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,126
Fuhrman. You're sayin',
what is he a furor,
German?
310
00:12:09,210 --> 00:12:10,543
Fuhrman, German.
311
00:12:10,626 --> 00:12:12,210
Sound a little
familiar to
you?
312
00:12:12,043 --> 00:12:14,418
I'm sorry, sir,
but he probably
says
"nigger" a lot,
313
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:15,960
with a name like that.
314
00:12:16,043 --> 00:12:17,501
I can't comment.
315
00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:18,876
I bet you can't.
316
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,585
But as a person
that says "nigger" a
lot,
317
00:12:20,668 --> 00:12:22,043
trust me.
318
00:12:22,126 --> 00:12:25,168
That nigga says
"nigger"
all the time.
319
00:12:25,251 --> 00:12:29,501
Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that,
320
00:12:29,585 --> 00:12:33,251
because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,
321
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,543
and because
there may have been
322
00:12:35,626 --> 00:12:38,210
some minor oversights
in the investigation,
323
00:12:38,043 --> 00:12:40,376
that it completely lets
O.J. off the hook?
324
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,251
Exactamundo!
The defense rests,
sir.
325
00:12:43,085 --> 00:12:44,501
Mr. Chappelle--
326
00:12:44,585 --> 00:12:46,293
No further questions!
327
00:12:46,376 --> 00:12:49,335
Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likely
328
00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:51,043
killed his wife?
329
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,918
Sir, my blackness
will not permit me
330
00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:58,168
to make a statement
like that.
331
00:12:58,251 --> 00:12:59,626
You're dismissed.
332
00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:05,043
Are you aware
of the charges
333
00:13:05,126 --> 00:13:07,251
that Michael Jackson is
currently facing?
334
00:13:07,335 --> 00:13:08,710
Yes, sir.
335
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:10,043
Ah, and for the record,
336
00:13:10,126 --> 00:13:12,251
these charges
hurt me the most.
337
00:13:12,085 --> 00:13:13,460
So he's guilty.
338
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:16,793
Look, man, look,
Michael Jackson
339
00:13:16,876 --> 00:13:18,168
has many faces,
340
00:13:18,251 --> 00:13:20,043
none of 'em
look
guilty to me.
341
00:13:20,126 --> 00:13:23,210
You gotta look in the
eyes,
not the noses.
342
00:13:23,293 --> 00:13:25,543
He's been accused of this
more than once.
343
00:13:25,626 --> 00:13:29,043
So, some people say that
cucumbers taste better pickled.
344
00:13:29,126 --> 00:13:30,501
What?
Huh?
345
00:13:30,585 --> 00:13:32,126
What?
Huh?
346
00:13:34,876 --> 00:13:38,835
What if I told you
that the accusers
347
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:40,793
correctly described
Michael's penis
348
00:13:40,876 --> 00:13:42,126
to investigators?
349
00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:45,751
Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,
350
00:13:45,835 --> 00:13:48,001
but I bet you that
I could describe it.
351
00:13:48,085 --> 00:13:49,043
All right, let me guess.
352
00:13:49,126 --> 00:13:53,210
There's a head,
a shaft, some balls,
353
00:13:53,043 --> 00:13:55,960
hair, maybe pressed,
permed hair,
354
00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:57,335
with glitter
sprinkled on it.
355
00:13:58,793 --> 00:13:59,710
That is correct.
356
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,293
Whoa, how'd I know?
357
00:14:01,376 --> 00:14:03,460
Come on, dude,
I couldn't pick my own penis
358
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,126
out of a lineup,
all right?
359
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:08,126
And me and my penis is
like this, son.
360
00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:10,043
What about Michael saying
it's okay to have
361
00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:11,335
children sleep with him?
362
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,168
That don't mean anything.
363
00:14:13,251 --> 00:14:15,126
I'm sure there's plenty of
kids
that sleep in the bed
364
00:14:15,210 --> 00:14:18,710
with their adults all the
time,
and nothing happens.
365
00:14:18,793 --> 00:14:20,085
So you do you think
Michael Jackson
366
00:14:20,168 --> 00:14:21,751
is guilty of the charges
against him?
367
00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:23,168
No, man.
368
00:14:23,251 --> 00:14:25,168
He made "Thriller."
369
00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:27,835
"Thriller."
370
00:14:30,418 --> 00:14:32,251
So you'd let your children
sleep with him.
371
00:14:32,085 --> 00:14:34,001
Fuck no!
372
00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:35,085
Eww.
373
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,251
Are you aware
that Robert Blake
374
00:14:39,085 --> 00:14:41,001
is facing
a charge of murder?
375
00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:42,751
Oh, yeah.
376
00:14:42,835 --> 00:14:44,376
Baretta did that shit.
377
00:14:48,168 --> 00:14:50,210
Mr. Chappelle,
are you aware
378
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:51,751
that Robert Kelly
is being charged
379
00:14:51,835 --> 00:14:53,918
with child pornography?
380
00:14:54,001 --> 00:14:56,585
Yes, I've heard
of such things.
381
00:14:56,668 --> 00:14:58,043
You've seen
the video tapes?
382
00:14:58,126 --> 00:15:00,585
Have I seen it!
Like, 80 times.
383
00:15:00,668 --> 00:15:02,126
You know the part
where he's waiting for
her
384
00:15:02,210 --> 00:15:03,918
to come over,
and he's looking
in the camera
385
00:15:04,001 --> 00:15:05,668
like...
(soft grunts)
386
00:15:05,751 --> 00:15:08,793
So, you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?
387
00:15:08,876 --> 00:15:12,501
Well, I'd have
to say it was.
388
00:15:12,585 --> 00:15:14,543
So, then,
you believe
389
00:15:14,626 --> 00:15:16,501
he urinated
on a 15-year-old girl.
390
00:15:16,585 --> 00:15:20,210
Whoa, hold on,
lady!
I didn't say all
that.
391
00:15:20,293 --> 00:15:22,501
You know, with these tapes,
they can do a lot of things.
392
00:15:22,585 --> 00:15:24,085
For all I know,
that piss was
digital.
393
00:15:24,168 --> 00:15:25,960
They-- They get crazy
with special effects.
394
00:15:26,043 --> 00:15:27,960
Look, look,
check this
out.
395
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:32,418
I didn't even
just do that.
396
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:34,085
Did I do that?
397
00:15:34,168 --> 00:15:35,543
That piss was digital.
398
00:15:35,626 --> 00:15:38,085
They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.
399
00:15:38,168 --> 00:15:40,335
What about the girl
corroborating the story?
400
00:15:40,418 --> 00:15:41,960
So what?
401
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:43,835
How much money does
this girl stand to make
402
00:15:43,918 --> 00:15:45,960
by "corroborating"
this story?
403
00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:48,126
I tell you what,
you give me that kind of money,
404
00:15:48,210 --> 00:15:50,626
R. Kelly can fart
in my dinner tonight.
405
00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:52,251
Spray-fart.
406
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,126
So, besides the tape
407
00:15:54,210 --> 00:15:56,168
and the girl corroborating
the allegations,
408
00:15:56,251 --> 00:15:58,460
what more would it take for
you
to believe he's guilty?
409
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,251
All right, if I saw
a tape of R. Kelly
410
00:16:03,085 --> 00:16:05,126
peeing on a girl
while he was
singing
411
00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:07,210
"Piss On You"...
412
00:16:07,043 --> 00:16:08,876
♪ Lovers wanna love... ♪
413
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,460
...and the girl was holding
two forms of government
ID...
414
00:16:13,001 --> 00:16:15,376
...while a
police
officer
was there,
415
00:16:15,460 --> 00:16:17,251
like, four or
five
of my buddies
416
00:16:17,085 --> 00:16:18,751
and Neal taking notes...
417
00:16:20,626 --> 00:16:22,168
Well...
I'm not finished.
418
00:16:22,251 --> 00:16:24,168
And his grandmother
has to be there
419
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:25,126
to confirm
his
identity.
420
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:29,168
That's my Robert,
always peeing on
people.
421
00:16:29,251 --> 00:16:31,085
Don't forget
her hair,
Robert.
422
00:16:31,168 --> 00:16:32,585
Yes, grandmother.
423
00:16:32,668 --> 00:16:35,251
Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?
424
00:16:35,335 --> 00:16:39,043
No, no,
it's not
excessive.
425
00:16:39,126 --> 00:16:41,376
Listen, lady, the burden
of proof is on the state,
426
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,001
on the state!
427
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:45,126
You have got
to prove to me,
428
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:47,210
beyond a reasonable doubt,
429
00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:50,043
whether or not
this man is a pisser.
430
00:16:50,126 --> 00:16:52,710
Aren't your doubts
unreasonable?
431
00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:54,793
No, it's not unreasonable.
432
00:16:54,876 --> 00:16:56,543
Look, we're talking
about a justice system
433
00:16:56,626 --> 00:16:59,918
that had 500 people
whose cases were overturned
434
00:17:00,001 --> 00:17:01,210
by DNA evidence.
435
00:17:01,293 --> 00:17:03,876
I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a
nigga,
436
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,251
and they said that
they had reasonable
doubt.
437
00:17:06,085 --> 00:17:08,168
I got my doubts
too,
all right?
438
00:17:08,251 --> 00:17:10,335
How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderers
439
00:17:10,418 --> 00:17:12,085
but they arrest
O.J.
the next day?
440
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:13,460
Nicole Simpson can't rap.
441
00:17:13,543 --> 00:17:15,210
I want justice!
442
00:17:15,085 --> 00:17:16,585
You are all...
443
00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:21,835
this whole goddamn court
is
out of order, everybody.
444
00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:24,210
Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.
445
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,335
And that's from the heart.
446
00:17:27,418 --> 00:17:30,335
(cheers and applause)
447
00:17:30,418 --> 00:17:32,460
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
448
00:17:32,543 --> 00:17:34,335
We'll be right back.
449
00:17:37,335 --> 00:17:39,210
Welcome back,
everybody.
450
00:17:39,293 --> 00:17:42,210
Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,
451
00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:44,043
and part of
one of my favorite groups.
452
00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:45,710
He's a great solo artist.
453
00:17:45,793 --> 00:17:47,960
Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.
454
00:17:48,043 --> 00:17:50,960
(applause)
455
00:17:57,585 --> 00:17:59,376
♪ Election time is coming... ♪
456
00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:05,793
♪ If I was president ♪
457
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,793
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
458
00:18:08,876 --> 00:18:12,793
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
459
00:18:12,876 --> 00:18:15,668
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
460
00:18:15,751 --> 00:18:18,710
♪ If I was president ♪
461
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:21,793
♪ If I was president ♪
462
00:18:21,876 --> 00:18:24,085
♪ An old man told me ♪
463
00:18:24,168 --> 00:18:26,168
♪ Instead of spending ♪
464
00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:28,751
♪ Billions on the war ♪
465
00:18:28,835 --> 00:18:31,501
♪ We can use
some of that money ♪
466
00:18:31,585 --> 00:18:33,043
♪ In the ghetto ♪
467
00:18:34,918 --> 00:18:38,126
♪ I know some so poor ♪
468
00:18:38,210 --> 00:18:40,460
♪ When it rains,
that's when they shower shower ♪
469
00:18:40,543 --> 00:18:44,168
♪ Screaming "fight the power" ♪
470
00:18:44,251 --> 00:18:46,460
♪ That's when
the vulture devoured ♪
471
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:49,293
♪ If I was president ♪
472
00:18:49,376 --> 00:18:52,293
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
473
00:18:52,376 --> 00:18:56,126
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
474
00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:58,626
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
475
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:01,668
♪ If I was president ♪
476
00:19:01,751 --> 00:19:04,710
♪ If I was president ♪
477
00:19:04,793 --> 00:19:07,751
♪ If I was president ♪
478
00:19:07,835 --> 00:19:10,793
♪ If I was president ♪
479
00:19:10,876 --> 00:19:13,876
♪ But the radio won't
play this ♪
480
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,918
♪ They call it rebel music ♪
481
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:20,460
♪ How can you refuse it ♪
482
00:19:20,543 --> 00:19:23,251
♪ Children of Moses ♪
483
00:19:23,335 --> 00:19:25,543
♪ If I was president ♪
484
00:19:25,626 --> 00:19:28,626
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
485
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:32,210
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
486
00:19:32,043 --> 00:19:35,251
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
487
00:19:35,085 --> 00:19:37,710
♪ If I was president ♪
488
00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:44,168
♪ Tell the children
the truth, the truth ♪
489
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:47,668
♪ Christopher Columbus didn't
discover America ♪
490
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:49,918
♪ Tell them the truth,
the truth ♪
491
00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:51,043
♪ Yeah ♪
492
00:19:51,126 --> 00:19:53,043
♪ Tell them
about Marcus Garvey ♪
493
00:19:53,126 --> 00:19:54,418
♪ Tell the children the truth ♪
494
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:57,251
♪ Yeah, the truth ♪
495
00:19:57,085 --> 00:19:59,293
♪ Tell them about
Martin Luther King ♪
496
00:19:59,376 --> 00:20:03,210
♪ Tell them the truth,
the truth ♪
497
00:20:03,293 --> 00:20:05,210
♪ Tell them about JFK ♪
498
00:20:05,043 --> 00:20:08,251
♪ If I was president ♪
499
00:20:08,085 --> 00:20:10,335
♪ If I was president ♪
500
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:14,210
♪ I'd get elected
on Friday ♪
501
00:20:14,293 --> 00:20:17,418
♪ Assassinated on Saturday ♪
502
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:20,168
♪ Buried on Sunday ♪
503
00:20:20,251 --> 00:20:23,710
♪ If I was president ♪
504
00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:26,251
♪ If I was president ♪♪
505
00:20:26,335 --> 00:20:28,168
Yeah, that's the truth
right there.
506
00:20:28,251 --> 00:20:30,085
(cheers and applause)
507
00:20:30,168 --> 00:20:32,835
I'd like to thank
my guest Wyclef Jean,
508
00:20:32,918 --> 00:20:36,210
I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.
509
00:20:36,293 --> 00:20:38,543
You guys are the greatest.
Now, I'll see you next week.
510
00:20:38,626 --> 00:20:40,460
(cheers and applause)
511
00:20:41,751 --> 00:20:44,501
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honking)
512
00:20:44,585 --> 00:20:46,043
(woman)
Hi, thank you.
513
00:20:46,126 --> 00:20:48,126
Mmm.
514
00:20:50,085 --> 00:20:52,376
Some good-ass cheese,
shit...
515
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,335
Wait, I'm chokin' on cheese.
516
00:20:54,418 --> 00:20:56,418
(coughing)
517
00:20:58,085 --> 00:21:00,168
I ate too much
of that good-ass cheese.
518
00:21:03,835 --> 00:21:05,460
Say "yes, grandmama"
to the camera
519
00:21:05,543 --> 00:21:06,835
Yes, grandmama.
520
00:21:09,251 --> 00:21:11,293
Turn a little bit
more.
That's good.
521
00:21:11,376 --> 00:21:13,918
Huh, you're lost?
522
00:21:14,001 --> 00:21:15,710
(laughter)
523
00:21:15,793 --> 00:21:17,918
♪♪