♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[announcer] And now,
"A moment in the life of Lil Jon."
[audience cheering]
Lil Jon?
Yeah!
I understand you may have fractured your arm.
Yeah!
Let's take a look.
Okay!
Does this hurt?
No.
This?
Not really, no.
-This? -[gasps]
No.
-What about this? -Yeah!
All right then.
Do you have your proof of insurance?
-What? -Proof of insurance.
What?
Proof of insurance.
-What? -Proof of insurance.
Huh?
Proof of insurance.
What?
-Proof of insurance. -What?
-Your proof of insurance? -What?
-Your proof of insurance. -What?
-Proof of insurance? -Huh?
Proof of insurance?
Yeah!
Oh, it's right here.
Now, do you do any recreational drugs?
What?
Do you do any recreational drugs?
[chortles]
That depends, doctor.
What do you define as "Drugs"?
-Medication? -No.
Cocaine?
Absolutely not.
-Marijuana? -Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
-Pardon me? -Nothing, just writing.
-What? -I didn't say anything.
-What? -Be done in a second.
Okay!
Fine.
What?
Need anything?
No, I'm cool.
-Okay. -Okay.
[announcer] You've just watched
"A moment in the life of Lil Jon."
-[audience applause] -Dave Chappelle!
Hey.
Oh, what's happening, y'all?
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to " Chappelle's Show "
Thank you for being here.
-[audience cheering] -Man.
You know, folks, you might've heard me say this
publicly many times, but this time I mean it.
I've-- I've quit smoking reefer.
[audience laughing]
No, I'm serious this time, man. This--I'm done.
I don't want to smoke it no more.
Them commercials be working on me, man.
Every time I seen them commercials,
they just have me feeling bad,
especially this one.
[man 1] Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
[man 2] Hold your horses, man.
We all hungry.
[man 1] Are your horses here, yo?
Yo, let me hold them for you, man.
[laughing]
Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
We've been here a long time.
-[coughing] -You all right?
[laughing]
No cheddar for you, man.
Give me a cheddar burger, man.
Man, chill out with that cheddar burger.
Yeah, chill out.
Yo, it was in your hand the whole time, stupid.
Yo, you got to eat that burger, dude.
-[crash] -[audience gasps]
Shit.
You killed her, yo!
Come on, man, we got to chop her body up
and stuff it down the drain!
Let's go! Let's get the fuck out of here!
I can't, man! There's people back there.
Shit!
[all screaming]
-Fuck. -Come on!
Let's go, let's go!
[laughs]
I just love the fact that I have a show
where you can run over a kid,
and everyone just busts out laughing
[audience laughing]
only in this show.
Well, folks, here he is--
America's favorite, my favorite,
Mr. Paul Mooney.
[audience applause]
And now, "Mooney on movies."
Our first film is "G one with the wind ."
This film is an epic romance
centering around Scarlett O'Hara,
a damsel in distress during the civil war.
It is a must-own, must-see movie.
I highly recommend it.
I couldn't agree with you more.
I've actually seen "Gone with the wind"
13 times since I was ten years old.
No kidding.
You must be on crack.
I don't think we've seen the same movie.
I thought Scarlett was a ho
'cause she went bed with everybody, uh, but Mammy.
Um, I love Mammy.
Mammy was the best--
The best scene in the movie is
when Mammy told the white people,
"Get off my porch, White Trash!"
I stood and I applauded.
I loved every bit of it.
I liked Mammy, though.
I really-- I thought she was great.
I thought she had a great role.
Do you know in real life it was Hattie McDaniel's.
They wouldn't let "Mammy" go to the opening.
Hollywood-- No, no--
Hollywood goes too far.
But she's dead. But she's dead.
But everybody comes back.
Everybody comes back to get their money.
She came back as Oprah Winfrey to get her money.
"Barbershop" is a smart comedy
about a day in the life of a black barbershop
on the south side of Chicago.
It is owned by ice cube
and inhabited by a colorful cast of characters
who bicker with one another in various hilarious ways.
Recently, a sequel was made.
You know it's just a front.
It really--They really sell drugs out of barbershops.
[stutters]
"The Last Samurai" centers around Tom Cruise,
a civil war veteran who goes to Japan
and teaches the emperor's troops how to fight.
-Mr. Mooney? -No, no, another movie this--
I was offended by.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
" The Last Samurai " starring Tom Cruise?
-He's the Last Samurai? -Mm-hmm.
Give me a break.
That movie was offensive.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
First, they had " The Mexican " with Brad Pitt,
and now they've got " The Last Samurai"
with Tom Cruise. Well, I've written a film.
Maybe they'll-- Maybe they'll produce my film:
"The Last Nigger On Earth" starring Tom Hanks.
-How about that? -[audience applause]
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back. Don't go nowhere.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music]
[laughs] Go ahead.
-[audience cheering] -Welcome back.
Welcome back to Chappelle's Show, everybody.
Man.
Now, has anybody ever been,
seen this thing on ESPN? These poker games now?
Like poker--
I didn't even know poker was a sport.
They-- That's weird, right?
Poker championships.
I didn't know that gambling was so acceptable.
And then I was watching late at night
they have actually, like, blacks, like, black gambling,
like, the world series of dice.
It's crazy.
[laughing]
I'm serious. It's right--look.
[audience laughing]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Marcy projects
here in Brooklyn, New York.
Why are we here?
To buy weed?
Not this time, Bill.
Nope, everyone knows we're here for one reason
and one reason only.
We're here for the eighth annual
World Series of Dice.
Well, that's right, Rob.
Some of the greatest players from around the world
have gathered here to compete for the grand prize:
One another's money.
And bragging rights for the whole year.
Let's meet them, these kings of click-clack.
From Kansas City, Missouri, legendary shooter
Grits n' Gravy.
Kansas City, Missouri.
Flying in from the far east is Phyuck Yiu,
one of the premier dice players
in the eastern hemisphere.
He has played dice in some of the gullyest of games.
Phyuck Yiu.
Konichiwa, bitches!
Drop the card, baby!
And that's Leonard Washington.
You know they say,
"Papa didn't take no mess."
Well, neither does Leonard.
My name's Leonard Washington.
Where I'm from?
a little town called
"None of your Goddamn business."
Let's play some dice, bitches.
And finally, from these very projects,
local legend Ashy Larry.
Why do they call him Ashy Larry?
Well, there's your answer.
Ashy Larry.
Marcy projects.
Marcy, son. What.
Okay, Larry gets first roll.
Let's see how he does.
That man is drier than Kunta Kinte's ankle.
Come on, let's go.
I stole this money out of my girl's purse.
She think I'm out emptying the trash.
Come on, baby, I need this.
What you need is some chopstick
and a set of trousers.
Roll the dice, you ashy mother fucker.
Start the game.
All right, but I'm about to go from ashy to classy.
[moaning]
Ooh, and just like that, Ashy Larry is eliminated.
-Ouch. -She gonna kill me.
Keisha gonna kill me.
Larry, what the fuck are you doing?
I was--Okay, remember, I was emptying the trash--
And that better not be the money
out my God damn purse!
I was--Okay, remember--
Pick the shit up and get the fuck out of here.
That's just what I'm trying to tell you!
I was just taking the trash out.
You hear me? I was just taking the trash--
She is gonna fuck him up.
You said it, Bill.
Okay, Grits n' Gravy is up next.
Now, grits is most known for once rolling
77 sevens in a row at a casino in Las Vegas,
making him a millionaire in the process.
Well, you know, Rob, earlier today,
we asked him what he did with the money.
Let's take a look.
I bought my mama a car.
I spent the rest on PCP.
Okay, simple enough.
I like his style.
Loves his mother.
Loves PCP.
Grits n' Gravy is ready to roll.
Let's see how he does.
-Come on, put in. -All right.
Put up or shut up.
-All right, just hold on. -Time to double up!
Here to take everybody money.
Seven! Seven!
What you all know about seven?
Pay me.
Boy, you are the Goddamn devil.
Put it down there. Put it down there!
Let's spread this around. Yes.
Hubba-hubba!
A'ight, you know what? I'm tired.
I ain't got all day.
I got babies to kiss and bitches to catch.
All in.
All in?
I see you.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic whistling]
[Rob] And Leonard laying it on thick.
An incredible stare down between Leonard and Grits.
Look at the flaring nostrils.
Makes me want to throw up.
Ooh!
-Snake eyes! -Damn!
And just like that, Grits is eliminated.
And when I leave, come together like butt cheeks.
And it comes down to these two men,
Leonard Washington and Phyuck Yiu.
I want everybody in here
-[people screaming] -to get butt-ass naked!
Get your Goddamn clothes off!
This is a robbery!
And almost on cue the game gets robbed.
Local thug Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,
breaking into the Marcy projects hallway here
and telling us all to get butt naked.
You know, Bill, dice games get robbed.
It happens all the time.
They very rarely come to a reasonable end.
T.V is no different.
What you waiting for, cool breeze?
Get butt naked right now!
Get it off, son!
First of all, you better check your tone with me, man.
I don't think you know who you're talking to.
I'm Leonard Washington.
I don't get butt naked for nobody.
You want this roll, nigga,
you gonna have to shoot me.
-Okay. -[gunshot]
This mother fucker has lost his mind.
God damn!
And Leonard takes a slug to the leg.
Oh, but I'll tell you something, Rob,
you noticed he shot him below the waist,
so it's not attempted murder.
That was very intelligent on Quills' part.
Quills knows the law.
This is why black people don't have nothing.
This is just what they want us to do.
Your mother ain't shit.
And just in time, here comes dumb ass Ashy Larry.
Where the dice? Where the dice?
-Where the dice? -Yo, give me that money, son!
Go upstairs and put on some lotion, right now!
Keisha told me just to empty the trash.
Well, Rob, I got to admit,
I saw this robbery coming from a mile away,
which is why I put my car keys up my ass.
Quick thinking.
That's right, bitch. Get them Goddamn clothes off.
Get that money up. Get that money up!
Okay, okay.
So on behalf of Bill Burr and Quills,
I'm Robert Petkoff saying--
Get that ring off. Get that ring off, man!
Sorry, honey.
So long from the Marcy projects
and the world series of dice.
Hopefully, next year,
we'll be able to get all the way through it,
but probably not.
Shut the fuck up, man!
Put them cameras in a box!
[audience cheering]
Whoo.
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.
Look out.
♪ Turn on your T.V ♪
♪ What you gonna see ♪
[audience applause]
Hey, welcome back, guys.
Welcome back.
I'm just handling mine. That's all.
Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.
I'm Dave, and I keep it real.
Sometimes, "Keeping it real" can go horribly wrong.
We got to pick our spots.
It's good to be real sometimes.
It's good to be phony sometimes.
Yes, I said it. Phony!
You think I'm this nice in real life?
Fuck that, son!
[laughing]
It's because I'm on T.V.
I'm wild!
I pull my balls out right now. I don't care.
Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!
[audience applause]
If you don't believe me that "Keeping it real"
ain't the best thing, then take a look at this.
[narrator] You're watching
"When 'keeping it real' goes wrong."
Vernon Franklin was an exceptional young man.
He was the valedictorian of his high school class,
won several scholarships,
and became the first person in his family to attend college.
He got a good job and worked 14-hour days six days a week,
quickly becoming the youngest Vice president
in the history of the ViaCorp Corporation,
ending the cycle of violence and drug addiction
that had plagued his family for generations.
The officers of his company were wrapping up the usual
Thursday meeting in the south conference room
when Frank Murphy, the man who had mentored Vernon,
made an awkward comment.
Vernon, great job, buddy!
You the man!
Give me some skin, huh?
[announcer] Vernon got along
with all of the people he worked with,
which in his heart of hearts made him feel
like an uncle Tom.
Though he could've ignored
the simple comment his mentor made,
Vernon decided to "Keep it real."
Get your motherfucking hand out of my face.
You heard me, motherfucker.
Get your hands out of my face!
What do you think this is, man?
Just shake my hand like a man!
Here give me some five on the backhand side
with all this crazy jive.
That's bullshit.
Want a little soft shoe?
Should I juggle some watermelons for you, boss?
Fuck all that, nigga.
Hey, Vernon, buddy--
Get your motherfucking hands off me, Frank!
This ain't a game.
This isn't the Vernon I know.
Allow me reintroduce myself. My name is Hov.
You ain't never heard that before, have ya?
Rap music, gangsta.
I used to beat motherfuckers up just like you,
just for walking around my way!
Vernon. Vernon, buddy--
You better sit the fuck down, Frank.
-Excuse me? -You sit down, bitch.
Thug life!
-You think it's a game, nigga? -[barking]
Wu-tang!
[narrator] Today, Vernon works at sonny's filler-up
on route 80 in new jersey.
He makes $6.45 an hour
and stinks of gasoline even when he's not at the station.
It's as real as it can be.
A dollar?
What am I gonna get with a dollar, nigga?
I got kids, and that's real.
[announcer] Vernon Franklin.
Once a heartwarming story of perseverance.
Wu-tang!
[narrator] Today, a sparkling example
of when "Keeping it real" goes wrong.
[audience cheering]
We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back after these messages.
The greatest show.
[audience applause]
Tonight's musical guests,
two of Chicago's finest MCs,
give it up for Common and Kanye West.
[audience applause]
Common sense, yeah.
Yeah, it's common sense
with Kanye West on the Dave Chappelle show
everybody got to eat, right, y'all?
It's the food, baby.
♪ Yo, I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ I'm up all night Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money Coming slow ♪
♪ But at least a nigga know Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ You love to hear The story again and again ♪
♪ About these young brothers From the city of wind ♪
♪ Like juice and gin In the city we blend ♪
♪ Amongst the hustle, Titties and skin ♪
♪ '50s and rims ♪
♪ Y'all know the Sprewells And trucks that's detailed ♪
♪ Heartless females That want to ride in them ♪
♪ Felt the south side venom With rawhides and denim ♪
♪ Pimp minds collide with them In a system that tries victims ♪
♪ We living it, my man In the fast lane pivoting ♪
♪ On the block White is selling like Eminem ♪
♪ On the block get Jumped off like Kim and them ♪
♪ On the block is hot ♪
♪ You can feel it In your skin and then ♪
♪ Shorties get the game but no Instructions to assembling ♪
♪ Eyes bright it seems like The fight is dimming them ♪
♪ Call my man cuz like I'm kin to him ♪
♪ He trying to stay straight The streets is bending him ♪
♪ I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ Yo, I'm up all night Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money coming slow But at least a nigga know ♪
♪ Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ It's all good in the hood Like raps and gems ♪
♪ Throwbacks and timbs, Blacks and rims ♪
♪ Whether on ball courts Attires of all sorts ♪
♪ We never fall short ♪
♪ With us, it's all force like Air-1s ♪
♪ Some waves, some air guns ♪
♪ The days of the fair one Is over for ♪
♪ Cats is colder Than four below ♪
♪ Myself, I go toe-to-toe ♪
♪ Wondering if it's for The art or for the dough ♪
♪ Though I know to grow a nigga Got to learn to let go ♪
♪ Though I know the dough ♪
♪ I got to bring back To the Ghetto ♪
♪ Arrows on tarot cards Pointing to the grind ♪
♪ Poor living in more prisons Pointing to my mind ♪
♪ Shine the light up ♪
♪ Clench my fist tight Holding the right up ♪
♪ Freedom fighting dark year For the years to get brighter ♪
♪ Situations Their jaws get tighter ♪
♪ My man tried to get his weight And height up, come on ♪
♪ I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ I'm up all night Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money coming slow But at least a nigga know ♪
♪ Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ Hey yo, I, I know I could make it right ♪
♪ If I could just Swallow my pride ♪
♪ But I can't run away ♪
♪ Or put my gun away You can't front on me ♪
♪ I, no, I can't let it ride ♪
♪ No, no, not tonight ♪
♪ No, I can't run away Or put my gun away ♪
♪ You can't front on me ♪
[audience applause]
Common and Kanye.
Like to thank you guys for watching.
I'll see you next week.
I'm out.
[audience applause]
I'm rich, biatch.
[horn honking]
Hi. Thank you.
Get your motherfucking hands off me, man.
You trying to get choked?
I seen people shit on the street 'cause they ain't got no toilet.
This isn't the Vernon I know.
[laughs]
What'd you say?
You think this is a game?
You think this is a fucking game?
[barking]
[laughing]
[barking]
Roc-a-fella!
[barking]
Now tell me, brother.
♪ Where you gonna go? ♪
♪