1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,251 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 2 00:00:03,335 --> 00:00:05,251 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ 3 00:00:05,085 --> 00:00:07,710 ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Oww ♪ 4 00:00:09,335 --> 00:00:10,585 ♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪ 5 00:00:11,251 --> 00:00:12,210 ♪ Woo-hoo ♪ 6 00:00:12,293 --> 00:00:13,543 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 7 00:00:16,251 --> 00:00:17,543 Let's start the show. 8 00:00:21,168 --> 00:00:22,085 [announcer] And now, 9 00:00:22,168 --> 00:00:23,918 "A moment in the life of Lil Jon." 10 00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:26,335 [audience cheering] 11 00:00:26,418 --> 00:00:27,376 Lil Jon? 12 00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:29,751 Yeah! 13 00:00:29,835 --> 00:00:31,626 I understand you may have fractured your arm. 14 00:00:31,710 --> 00:00:32,501 Yeah! 15 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:34,751 Let's take a look. 16 00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:36,085 Okay! 17 00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:38,376 Does this hurt? 18 00:00:39,251 --> 00:00:40,251 No. 19 00:00:41,168 --> 00:00:42,251 This? 20 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:43,710 Not really, no. 21 00:00:44,376 --> 00:00:45,418 -This? -[gasps] 22 00:00:46,668 --> 00:00:47,585 No. 23 00:00:48,918 --> 00:00:50,335 -What about this? -Yeah! 24 00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:53,043 All right then. 25 00:00:53,126 --> 00:00:54,876 Do you have your proof of insurance? 26 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,835 -What? -Proof of insurance. 27 00:00:56,918 --> 00:00:57,710 What? 28 00:00:57,793 --> 00:00:59,043 Proof of insurance. 29 00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:01,210 -What? -Proof of insurance. 30 00:01:01,585 --> 00:01:02,668 Huh? 31 00:01:02,751 --> 00:01:04,126 Proof of insurance. 32 00:01:06,668 --> 00:01:07,793 What? 33 00:01:07,876 --> 00:01:09,960 -Proof of insurance. -What? 34 00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:11,043 -Your proof of insurance? -What? 35 00:01:11,126 --> 00:01:12,501 -Your proof of insurance. -What? 36 00:01:12,585 --> 00:01:14,210 -Proof of insurance? -Huh? 37 00:01:14,293 --> 00:01:15,293 Proof of insurance? 38 00:01:16,085 --> 00:01:17,210 Yeah! 39 00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:19,043 Oh, it's right here. 40 00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:23,210 Now, do you do any recreational drugs? 41 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,126 What? 42 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,626 Do you do any recreational drugs? 43 00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:28,335 [chortles] 44 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:33,918 That depends, doctor. 45 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960 What do you define as "Drugs"? 46 00:01:37,043 --> 00:01:38,626 -Medication? -No. 47 00:01:38,710 --> 00:01:39,918 Cocaine? 48 00:01:40,001 --> 00:01:41,043 Absolutely not. 49 00:01:41,126 --> 00:01:43,168 -Marijuana? -Yeah! 50 00:01:45,710 --> 00:01:46,835 Yeah! Yeah! 51 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:49,918 What? 52 00:01:50,001 --> 00:01:51,085 Nothing. 53 00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:52,168 What? 54 00:01:52,251 --> 00:01:53,293 Nothing. 55 00:01:53,376 --> 00:01:56,085 -Pardon me? -Nothing, just writing. 56 00:01:56,168 --> 00:01:58,418 -What? -I didn't say anything. 57 00:01:58,501 --> 00:01:59,876 -What? -Be done in a second. 58 00:02:00,251 --> 00:02:01,168 Okay! 59 00:02:01,835 --> 00:02:03,085 Fine. 60 00:02:03,168 --> 00:02:03,960 What? 61 00:02:04,626 --> 00:02:05,418 Need anything? 62 00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:07,501 No, I'm cool. 63 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:08,376 -Okay. -Okay. 64 00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:09,460 [announcer] You've just watched 65 00:02:09,543 --> 00:02:11,210 "A moment in the life of Lil Jon." 66 00:02:11,293 --> 00:02:14,501 -[audience applause] -Dave Chappelle! 67 00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:16,960 Hey. 68 00:02:17,751 --> 00:02:18,585 Hey. 69 00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,251 Oh, what's happening, y'all? 70 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:24,626 What's up, everybody? 71 00:02:27,085 --> 00:02:29,960 Welcome to " Chappelle's Show " 72 00:02:30,793 --> 00:02:32,251 Thank you for being here. 73 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,418 -[audience cheering] -Man. 74 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:39,001 You know, folks, you might've heard me say this 75 00:02:39,085 --> 00:02:41,251 publicly many times, but this time I mean it. 76 00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:43,043 I've-- I've quit smoking reefer. 77 00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:45,251 [audience laughing] 78 00:02:45,085 --> 00:02:47,210 No, I'm serious this time, man. This--I'm done. 79 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,793 I don't want to smoke it no more. 80 00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:50,710 Them commercials be working on me, man. 81 00:02:50,793 --> 00:02:52,251 Every time I seen them commercials, 82 00:02:52,335 --> 00:02:54,001 they just have me feeling bad, 83 00:02:54,085 --> 00:02:55,001 especially this one. 84 00:02:57,376 --> 00:02:59,210 [man 1] Let me get my cheddar burger, man. 85 00:02:59,043 --> 00:03:00,335 [man 2] Hold your horses, man. 86 00:03:00,418 --> 00:03:01,668 We all hungry. 87 00:03:01,751 --> 00:03:03,876 [man 1] Are your horses here, yo? 88 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,543 Yo, let me hold them for you, man. 89 00:03:05,626 --> 00:03:07,668 [laughing] 90 00:03:07,751 --> 00:03:10,126 Let me get my cheddar burger, man. 91 00:03:10,210 --> 00:03:11,501 We've been here a long time. 92 00:03:11,585 --> 00:03:13,085 -[coughing] -You all right? 93 00:03:13,168 --> 00:03:15,918 [laughing] 94 00:03:18,376 --> 00:03:20,126 No cheddar for you, man. 95 00:03:22,918 --> 00:03:24,835 Give me a cheddar burger, man. 96 00:03:24,918 --> 00:03:26,960 Man, chill out with that cheddar burger. 97 00:03:27,043 --> 00:03:28,251 Yeah, chill out. 98 00:03:28,085 --> 00:03:30,460 Yo, it was in your hand the whole time, stupid. 99 00:03:31,585 --> 00:03:33,085 Yo, you got to eat that burger, dude. 100 00:03:33,168 --> 00:03:34,835 -[crash] -[audience gasps] 101 00:03:35,876 --> 00:03:37,043 Shit. 102 00:03:46,376 --> 00:03:47,376 You killed her, yo! 103 00:03:48,626 --> 00:03:50,001 Come on, man, we got to chop her body up 104 00:03:50,085 --> 00:03:51,085 and stuff it down the drain! 105 00:03:51,168 --> 00:03:52,668 Let's go! Let's get the fuck out of here! 106 00:03:52,751 --> 00:03:54,626 I can't, man! There's people back there. 107 00:03:54,710 --> 00:03:56,168 Shit! 108 00:03:56,251 --> 00:03:57,751 [all screaming] 109 00:03:58,668 --> 00:03:59,876 -Fuck. -Come on! 110 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:00,960 Let's go, let's go! 111 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,126 [laughs] 112 00:04:18,751 --> 00:04:21,168 I just love the fact that I have a show 113 00:04:21,251 --> 00:04:22,376 where you can run over a kid, 114 00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:23,751 and everyone just busts out laughing 115 00:04:23,835 --> 00:04:25,126 [audience laughing] 116 00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:26,668 only in this show. 117 00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:29,168 Well, folks, here he is-- 118 00:04:29,251 --> 00:04:31,085 America's favorite, my favorite, 119 00:04:31,168 --> 00:04:32,543 Mr. Paul Mooney. 120 00:04:32,626 --> 00:04:34,210 [audience applause] 121 00:04:35,085 --> 00:04:37,293 And now, "Mooney on movies." 122 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:41,210 Our first film is "G one with the wind ." 123 00:04:41,043 --> 00:04:43,210 This film is an epic romance 124 00:04:43,293 --> 00:04:45,335 centering around Scarlett O'Hara, 125 00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:47,876 a damsel in distress during the civil war. 126 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,751 It is a must-own, must-see movie. 127 00:04:50,835 --> 00:04:52,126 I highly recommend it. 128 00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:53,251 I couldn't agree with you more. 129 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:55,085 I've actually seen "Gone with the wind" 130 00:04:55,168 --> 00:04:57,251 13 times since I was ten years old. 131 00:04:57,085 --> 00:04:58,126 No kidding. 132 00:04:58,210 --> 00:04:59,251 You must be on crack. 133 00:04:59,335 --> 00:05:02,460 I don't think we've seen the same movie. 134 00:05:02,543 --> 00:05:04,168 I thought Scarlett was a ho 135 00:05:04,251 --> 00:05:08,126 'cause she went bed with everybody, uh, but Mammy. 136 00:05:08,210 --> 00:05:10,085 Um, I love Mammy. 137 00:05:10,168 --> 00:05:11,085 Mammy was the best-- 138 00:05:11,168 --> 00:05:12,168 The best scene in the movie is 139 00:05:12,251 --> 00:05:14,126 when Mammy told the white people, 140 00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:16,543 "Get off my porch, White Trash!" 141 00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:18,543 I stood and I applauded. 142 00:05:18,626 --> 00:05:20,001 I loved every bit of it. 143 00:05:20,085 --> 00:05:21,126 I liked Mammy, though. 144 00:05:21,210 --> 00:05:22,085 I really-- I thought she was great. 145 00:05:22,168 --> 00:05:23,585 I thought she had a great role. 146 00:05:23,668 --> 00:05:26,085 Do you know in real life it was Hattie McDaniel's. 147 00:05:26,168 --> 00:05:28,001 They wouldn't let "Mammy" go to the opening. 148 00:05:28,751 --> 00:05:29,585 Hollywood-- No, no-- 149 00:05:29,668 --> 00:05:30,835 Hollywood goes too far. 150 00:05:30,918 --> 00:05:32,751 But she's dead. But she's dead. 151 00:05:32,835 --> 00:05:33,876 But everybody comes back. 152 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,460 Everybody comes back to get their money. 153 00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:38,335 She came back as Oprah Winfrey to get her money. 154 00:05:41,626 --> 00:05:43,293 "Barbershop" is a smart comedy 155 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:45,876 about a day in the life of a black barbershop 156 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,168 on the south side of Chicago. 157 00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,376 It is owned by ice cube 158 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:52,043 and inhabited by a colorful cast of characters 159 00:05:52,126 --> 00:05:55,168 who bicker with one another in various hilarious ways. 160 00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:57,335 Recently, a sequel was made. 161 00:05:57,418 --> 00:05:58,751 You know it's just a front. 162 00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:00,835 It really--They really sell drugs out of barbershops. 163 00:06:00,918 --> 00:06:02,126 [stutters] 164 00:06:05,418 --> 00:06:08,168 "The Last Samurai" centers around Tom Cruise, 165 00:06:08,251 --> 00:06:10,626 a civil war veteran who goes to Japan 166 00:06:10,710 --> 00:06:13,085 and teaches the emperor's troops how to fight. 167 00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:16,168 -Mr. Mooney? -No, no, another movie this-- 168 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,793 I was offended by. 169 00:06:17,876 --> 00:06:19,835 I mean, Hollywood is crazy. 170 00:06:19,918 --> 00:06:24,585 " The Last Samurai " starring Tom Cruise? 171 00:06:24,668 --> 00:06:26,251 -He's the Last Samurai? -Mm-hmm. 172 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,543 Give me a break. 173 00:06:27,626 --> 00:06:29,501 That movie was offensive. 174 00:06:29,585 --> 00:06:31,293 I mean, Hollywood is crazy. 175 00:06:31,376 --> 00:06:33,543 First, they had " The Mexican " with Brad Pitt, 176 00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:35,585 and now they've got " The Last Samurai" 177 00:06:35,668 --> 00:06:37,168 with Tom Cruise. Well, I've written a film. 178 00:06:37,251 --> 00:06:39,251 Maybe they'll-- Maybe they'll produce my film: 179 00:06:39,335 --> 00:06:42,126 "The Last Nigger On Earth" starring Tom Hanks. 180 00:06:42,210 --> 00:06:44,876 -How about that? -[audience applause] 181 00:06:48,626 --> 00:06:50,126 We're gonna take a quick commercial break. 182 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,210 We'll be right back. Don't go nowhere. 183 00:06:52,293 --> 00:06:54,168 [audience cheering] 184 00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,793 [upbeat music] 185 00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:01,335 [laughs] Go ahead. 186 00:07:01,418 --> 00:07:03,376 -[audience cheering] -Welcome back. 187 00:07:04,626 --> 00:07:07,085 Welcome back to Chappelle's Show, everybody. 188 00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:13,668 Man. 189 00:07:13,751 --> 00:07:15,168 Now, has anybody ever been, 190 00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:19,376 seen this thing on ESPN? These poker games now? 191 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:20,376 Like poker-- 192 00:07:20,460 --> 00:07:22,168 I didn't even know poker was a sport. 193 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,251 They-- That's weird, right? 194 00:07:25,085 --> 00:07:26,501 Poker championships. 195 00:07:26,585 --> 00:07:29,085 I didn't know that gambling was so acceptable. 196 00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:30,835 And then I was watching late at night 197 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:34,376 they have actually, like, blacks, like, black gambling, 198 00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,210 like, the world series of dice. 199 00:07:36,043 --> 00:07:37,085 It's crazy. 200 00:07:37,168 --> 00:07:38,960 [laughing] 201 00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:40,251 I'm serious. It's right--look. 202 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,126 [audience laughing] 203 00:07:42,210 --> 00:07:43,543 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 204 00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:45,710 and welcome to the Marcy projects 205 00:07:45,793 --> 00:07:47,335 here in Brooklyn, New York. 206 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:48,835 Why are we here? 207 00:07:48,918 --> 00:07:50,043 To buy weed? 208 00:07:50,126 --> 00:07:51,085 Not this time, Bill. 209 00:07:51,168 --> 00:07:53,418 Nope, everyone knows we're here for one reason 210 00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:55,126 and one reason only. 211 00:07:55,210 --> 00:07:57,543 We're here for the eighth annual 212 00:07:57,626 --> 00:08:00,043 World Series of Dice. 213 00:08:00,126 --> 00:08:01,126 Well, that's right, Rob. 214 00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:03,251 Some of the greatest players from around the world 215 00:08:03,085 --> 00:08:05,335 have gathered here to compete for the grand prize: 216 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:06,460 One another's money. 217 00:08:06,543 --> 00:08:08,085 And bragging rights for the whole year. 218 00:08:08,168 --> 00:08:11,710 Let's meet them, these kings of click-clack. 219 00:08:11,793 --> 00:08:14,376 From Kansas City, Missouri, legendary shooter 220 00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,126 Grits n' Gravy. 221 00:08:16,876 --> 00:08:18,085 Grits n' Gravy. 222 00:08:18,168 --> 00:08:20,251 Kansas City, Missouri. 223 00:08:20,335 --> 00:08:23,210 Flying in from the far east is Phyuck Yiu, 224 00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:25,043 one of the premier dice players 225 00:08:25,126 --> 00:08:26,251 in the eastern hemisphere. 226 00:08:26,335 --> 00:08:28,918 He has played dice in some of the gullyest of games. 227 00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,168 Phyuck Yiu. 228 00:08:31,251 --> 00:08:33,168 Konichiwa, bitches! 229 00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:35,501 Drop the card, baby! 230 00:08:35,585 --> 00:08:37,460 And that's Leonard Washington. 231 00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:38,418 You know they say, 232 00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:40,585 "Papa didn't take no mess." 233 00:08:40,668 --> 00:08:42,001 Well, neither does Leonard. 234 00:08:42,085 --> 00:08:43,293 My name's Leonard Washington. 235 00:08:44,126 --> 00:08:45,293 Where I'm from? 236 00:08:45,376 --> 00:08:46,335 a little town called 237 00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:48,418 "None of your Goddamn business." 238 00:08:48,501 --> 00:08:50,418 Let's play some dice, bitches. 239 00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:53,001 And finally, from these very projects, 240 00:08:53,085 --> 00:08:55,126 local legend Ashy Larry. 241 00:08:57,085 --> 00:08:58,418 Why do they call him Ashy Larry? 242 00:08:59,585 --> 00:09:00,876 Well, there's your answer. 243 00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:03,043 Ashy Larry. 244 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,168 Marcy projects. 245 00:09:04,251 --> 00:09:05,460 Marcy, son. What. 246 00:09:08,168 --> 00:09:10,293 Okay, Larry gets first roll. 247 00:09:10,376 --> 00:09:11,418 Let's see how he does. 248 00:09:15,168 --> 00:09:17,460 That man is drier than Kunta Kinte's ankle. 249 00:09:18,418 --> 00:09:20,168 Come on, let's go. 250 00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:22,126 I stole this money out of my girl's purse. 251 00:09:22,210 --> 00:09:23,376 She think I'm out emptying the trash. 252 00:09:26,251 --> 00:09:29,001 Come on, baby, I need this. 253 00:09:29,085 --> 00:09:30,418 What you need is some chopstick 254 00:09:30,501 --> 00:09:31,585 and a set of trousers. 255 00:09:31,668 --> 00:09:33,085 Roll the dice, you ashy mother fucker. 256 00:09:33,168 --> 00:09:34,876 Start the game. 257 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,460 All right, but I'm about to go from ashy to classy. 258 00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:41,710 [moaning] 259 00:09:41,793 --> 00:09:44,585 Ooh, and just like that, Ashy Larry is eliminated. 260 00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:46,668 -Ouch. -She gonna kill me. 261 00:09:46,751 --> 00:09:48,210 Keisha gonna kill me. 262 00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:50,168 Larry, what the fuck are you doing? 263 00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:51,335 I was--Okay, remember, I was emptying the trash-- 264 00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:52,710 And that better not be the money 265 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,126 out my God damn purse! 266 00:09:54,210 --> 00:09:55,376 I was--Okay, remember-- 267 00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:57,168 Pick the shit up and get the fuck out of here. 268 00:09:57,251 --> 00:09:58,251 That's just what I'm trying to tell you! 269 00:09:58,335 --> 00:09:59,835 I was just taking the trash out. 270 00:09:59,918 --> 00:10:02,001 You hear me? I was just taking the trash-- 271 00:10:03,335 --> 00:10:05,210 She is gonna fuck him up. 272 00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:06,543 You said it, Bill. 273 00:10:06,626 --> 00:10:09,210 Okay, Grits n' Gravy is up next. 274 00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:11,626 Now, grits is most known for once rolling 275 00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:15,710 77 sevens in a row at a casino in Las Vegas, 276 00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:18,085 making him a millionaire in the process. 277 00:10:18,168 --> 00:10:19,501 Well, you know, Rob, earlier today, 278 00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,085 we asked him what he did with the money. 279 00:10:21,168 --> 00:10:22,293 Let's take a look. 280 00:10:22,376 --> 00:10:24,126 I bought my mama a car. 281 00:10:24,210 --> 00:10:27,085 I spent the rest on PCP. 282 00:10:28,168 --> 00:10:29,085 Okay, simple enough. 283 00:10:29,168 --> 00:10:30,293 I like his style. 284 00:10:30,376 --> 00:10:31,293 Loves his mother. 285 00:10:31,376 --> 00:10:32,668 Loves PCP. 286 00:10:32,751 --> 00:10:34,585 Grits n' Gravy is ready to roll. 287 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,210 Let's see how he does. 288 00:10:36,043 --> 00:10:37,835 -Come on, put in. -All right. 289 00:10:37,918 --> 00:10:39,126 Put up or shut up. 290 00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:40,418 -All right, just hold on. -Time to double up! 291 00:10:41,335 --> 00:10:42,835 Here to take everybody money. 292 00:10:44,168 --> 00:10:46,001 Seven! Seven! 293 00:10:46,085 --> 00:10:46,876 Seven! 294 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,251 What you all know about seven? 295 00:10:48,335 --> 00:10:49,126 Pay me. 296 00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:51,626 Boy, you are the Goddamn devil. 297 00:10:51,710 --> 00:10:53,626 Put it down there. Put it down there! 298 00:10:53,710 --> 00:10:55,210 Let's spread this around. Yes. 299 00:10:55,043 --> 00:10:56,835 Hubba-hubba! 300 00:10:56,918 --> 00:10:59,293 A'ight, you know what? I'm tired. 301 00:10:59,376 --> 00:11:00,460 I ain't got all day. 302 00:11:00,543 --> 00:11:02,126 I got babies to kiss and bitches to catch. 303 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:03,835 All in. 304 00:11:04,460 --> 00:11:05,626 All in? 305 00:11:07,335 --> 00:11:08,876 I see you. 306 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,835 [dramatic music] 307 00:11:12,251 --> 00:11:14,210 [dramatic whistling] 308 00:11:14,293 --> 00:11:16,418 [Rob] And Leonard laying it on thick. 309 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:19,793 An incredible stare down between Leonard and Grits. 310 00:11:19,876 --> 00:11:22,210 Look at the flaring nostrils. 311 00:11:22,043 --> 00:11:23,751 Makes me want to throw up. 312 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,460 Ooh! 313 00:11:26,543 --> 00:11:28,126 -Snake eyes! -Damn! 314 00:11:28,210 --> 00:11:31,085 And just like that, Grits is eliminated. 315 00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:34,043 And when I leave, come together like butt cheeks. 316 00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:36,335 And it comes down to these two men, 317 00:11:36,418 --> 00:11:39,376 Leonard Washington and Phyuck Yiu. 318 00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:42,751 I want everybody in here 319 00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,668 -[people screaming] -to get butt-ass naked! 320 00:11:44,751 --> 00:11:46,126 Get your Goddamn clothes off! 321 00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:48,043 This is a robbery! 322 00:11:48,126 --> 00:11:51,501 And almost on cue the game gets robbed. 323 00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:54,751 Local thug Rodney "Quills" Dinkins, 324 00:11:54,835 --> 00:11:57,335 breaking into the Marcy projects hallway here 325 00:11:57,418 --> 00:12:00,168 and telling us all to get butt naked. 326 00:12:00,251 --> 00:12:03,126 You know, Bill, dice games get robbed. 327 00:12:03,210 --> 00:12:04,793 It happens all the time. 328 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:08,126 They very rarely come to a reasonable end. 329 00:12:08,835 --> 00:12:11,168 T.V is no different. 330 00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:12,710 What you waiting for, cool breeze? 331 00:12:12,793 --> 00:12:14,168 Get butt naked right now! 332 00:12:14,251 --> 00:12:15,335 Get it off, son! 333 00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:18,251 First of all, you better check your tone with me, man. 334 00:12:18,335 --> 00:12:19,876 I don't think you know who you're talking to. 335 00:12:20,626 --> 00:12:22,335 I'm Leonard Washington. 336 00:12:22,418 --> 00:12:24,126 I don't get butt naked for nobody. 337 00:12:26,168 --> 00:12:27,418 You want this roll, nigga, 338 00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:29,710 you gonna have to shoot me. 339 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,251 -Okay. -[gunshot] 340 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,668 This mother fucker has lost his mind. 341 00:12:38,168 --> 00:12:39,585 God damn! 342 00:12:39,668 --> 00:12:42,585 And Leonard takes a slug to the leg. 343 00:12:42,668 --> 00:12:43,668 Oh, but I'll tell you something, Rob, 344 00:12:43,751 --> 00:12:45,918 you noticed he shot him below the waist, 345 00:12:46,001 --> 00:12:47,335 so it's not attempted murder. 346 00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,418 That was very intelligent on Quills' part. 347 00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:51,210 Quills knows the law. 348 00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:54,335 This is why black people don't have nothing. 349 00:12:54,418 --> 00:12:55,710 This is just what they want us to do. 350 00:12:56,751 --> 00:12:58,626 Your mother ain't shit. 351 00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:01,918 And just in time, here comes dumb ass Ashy Larry. 352 00:13:02,876 --> 00:13:04,043 Where the dice? Where the dice? 353 00:13:04,126 --> 00:13:05,876 -Where the dice? -Yo, give me that money, son! 354 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,210 Go upstairs and put on some lotion, right now! 355 00:13:09,418 --> 00:13:11,126 Keisha told me just to empty the trash. 356 00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:13,376 Well, Rob, I got to admit, 357 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,751 I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, 358 00:13:15,835 --> 00:13:18,126 which is why I put my car keys up my ass. 359 00:13:18,210 --> 00:13:19,460 Quick thinking. 360 00:13:19,543 --> 00:13:22,585 That's right, bitch. Get them Goddamn clothes off. 361 00:13:22,668 --> 00:13:24,043 Get that money up. Get that money up! 362 00:13:24,126 --> 00:13:25,751 Okay, okay. 363 00:13:25,835 --> 00:13:28,585 So on behalf of Bill Burr and Quills, 364 00:13:28,668 --> 00:13:29,751 I'm Robert Petkoff saying-- 365 00:13:29,835 --> 00:13:31,168 Get that ring off. Get that ring off, man! 366 00:13:31,251 --> 00:13:32,043 Sorry, honey. 367 00:13:32,126 --> 00:13:34,126 So long from the Marcy projects 368 00:13:34,210 --> 00:13:35,835 and the world series of dice. 369 00:13:35,918 --> 00:13:37,001 Hopefully, next year, 370 00:13:37,085 --> 00:13:38,043 we'll be able to get all the way through it, 371 00:13:38,126 --> 00:13:39,335 but probably not. 372 00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:41,210 Shut the fuck up, man! 373 00:13:41,293 --> 00:13:42,876 Put them cameras in a box! 374 00:13:44,085 --> 00:13:46,168 [audience cheering] 375 00:13:46,585 --> 00:13:48,210 Whoo. 376 00:13:48,293 --> 00:13:50,210 We're gonna take a quick commercial break. 377 00:13:50,043 --> 00:13:51,251 Don't go anywhere. 378 00:13:51,335 --> 00:13:53,293 We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show. 379 00:13:57,626 --> 00:13:58,751 Look out. 380 00:13:58,835 --> 00:14:00,210 ♪ Turn on your T.V ♪ 381 00:14:01,168 --> 00:14:02,293 ♪ What you gonna see ♪ 382 00:14:02,376 --> 00:14:04,126 [audience applause] 383 00:14:04,918 --> 00:14:06,085 Hey, welcome back, guys. 384 00:14:07,418 --> 00:14:08,293 Welcome back. 385 00:14:10,085 --> 00:14:12,335 I'm just handling mine. That's all. 386 00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,960 Welcome back to Chappelle's Show. 387 00:14:14,043 --> 00:14:16,626 I'm Dave, and I keep it real. 388 00:14:16,710 --> 00:14:19,585 Sometimes, "Keeping it real" can go horribly wrong. 389 00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:21,001 We got to pick our spots. 390 00:14:22,126 --> 00:14:23,710 It's good to be real sometimes. 391 00:14:23,793 --> 00:14:25,001 It's good to be phony sometimes. 392 00:14:25,085 --> 00:14:26,543 Yes, I said it. Phony! 393 00:14:27,668 --> 00:14:29,251 You think I'm this nice in real life? 394 00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:30,335 Fuck that, son! 395 00:14:30,418 --> 00:14:31,668 [laughing] 396 00:14:31,751 --> 00:14:33,126 It's because I'm on T.V. 397 00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:35,376 I'm wild! 398 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,876 I pull my balls out right now. I don't care. 399 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,335 Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet! 400 00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:43,918 [audience applause] 401 00:14:50,210 --> 00:14:52,126 If you don't believe me that "Keeping it real" 402 00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:54,376 ain't the best thing, then take a look at this. 403 00:14:55,543 --> 00:14:56,460 [narrator] You're watching 404 00:14:56,543 --> 00:14:58,543 "When 'keeping it real' goes wrong." 405 00:15:00,043 --> 00:15:03,293 Vernon Franklin was an exceptional young man. 406 00:15:03,376 --> 00:15:06,335 He was the valedictorian of his high school class, 407 00:15:06,418 --> 00:15:07,876 won several scholarships, 408 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,626 and became the first person in his family to attend college. 409 00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:15,918 He got a good job and worked 14-hour days six days a week, 410 00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:18,501 quickly becoming the youngest Vice president 411 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,085 in the history of the ViaCorp Corporation, 412 00:15:21,168 --> 00:15:23,751 ending the cycle of violence and drug addiction 413 00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:26,543 that had plagued his family for generations. 414 00:15:28,210 --> 00:15:31,168 The officers of his company were wrapping up the usual 415 00:15:31,251 --> 00:15:34,085 Thursday meeting in the south conference room 416 00:15:34,168 --> 00:15:37,001 when Frank Murphy, the man who had mentored Vernon, 417 00:15:37,085 --> 00:15:38,960 made an awkward comment. 418 00:15:39,043 --> 00:15:41,335 Vernon, great job, buddy! 419 00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:42,585 You the man! 420 00:15:42,668 --> 00:15:43,668 Give me some skin, huh? 421 00:15:45,001 --> 00:15:45,960 [announcer] Vernon got along 422 00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:47,710 with all of the people he worked with, 423 00:15:47,793 --> 00:15:50,001 which in his heart of hearts made him feel 424 00:15:50,085 --> 00:15:51,918 like an uncle Tom. 425 00:15:52,001 --> 00:15:53,251 Though he could've ignored 426 00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:55,376 the simple comment his mentor made, 427 00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:58,043 Vernon decided to "Keep it real." 428 00:15:58,126 --> 00:16:00,585 Get your motherfucking hand out of my face. 429 00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:01,793 You heard me, motherfucker. 430 00:16:01,876 --> 00:16:03,168 Get your hands out of my face! 431 00:16:03,251 --> 00:16:04,460 What do you think this is, man? 432 00:16:04,543 --> 00:16:06,168 Just shake my hand like a man! 433 00:16:06,251 --> 00:16:08,585 Here give me some five on the backhand side 434 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:09,918 with all this crazy jive. 435 00:16:10,001 --> 00:16:11,043 That's bullshit. 436 00:16:11,126 --> 00:16:12,251 Want a little soft shoe? 437 00:16:12,335 --> 00:16:14,168 Should I juggle some watermelons for you, boss? 438 00:16:14,251 --> 00:16:15,501 Fuck all that, nigga. 439 00:16:15,585 --> 00:16:16,668 Hey, Vernon, buddy-- 440 00:16:16,751 --> 00:16:18,793 Get your motherfucking hands off me, Frank! 441 00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:20,835 This ain't a game. 442 00:16:20,918 --> 00:16:22,043 This isn't the Vernon I know. 443 00:16:22,126 --> 00:16:25,126 Allow me reintroduce myself. My name is Hov. 444 00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:26,918 You ain't never heard that before, have ya? 445 00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:28,876 Rap music, gangsta. 446 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,126 I used to beat motherfuckers up just like you, 447 00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:32,585 just for walking around my way! 448 00:16:32,668 --> 00:16:33,835 Vernon. Vernon, buddy-- 449 00:16:33,918 --> 00:16:35,126 You better sit the fuck down, Frank. 450 00:16:35,210 --> 00:16:37,085 -Excuse me? -You sit down, bitch. 451 00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:38,251 Thug life! 452 00:16:38,085 --> 00:16:40,043 -You think it's a game, nigga? -[barking] 453 00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:42,210 Wu-tang! 454 00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,918 [narrator] Today, Vernon works at sonny's filler-up 455 00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:46,835 on route 80 in new jersey. 456 00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,585 He makes $6.45 an hour 457 00:16:48,668 --> 00:16:51,876 and stinks of gasoline even when he's not at the station. 458 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,210 It's as real as it can be. 459 00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:56,668 A dollar? 460 00:16:56,751 --> 00:16:57,960 What am I gonna get with a dollar, nigga? 461 00:16:58,043 --> 00:17:00,126 I got kids, and that's real. 462 00:17:01,501 --> 00:17:02,960 [announcer] Vernon Franklin. 463 00:17:03,043 --> 00:17:06,168 Once a heartwarming story of perseverance. 464 00:17:06,251 --> 00:17:07,251 Wu-tang! 465 00:17:07,085 --> 00:17:09,251 [narrator] Today, a sparkling example 466 00:17:09,335 --> 00:17:12,418 of when "Keeping it real" goes wrong. 467 00:17:12,501 --> 00:17:14,210 [audience cheering] 468 00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:17,126 We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all. 469 00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,835 We'll be right back after these messages. 470 00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:23,918 The greatest show. 471 00:17:25,126 --> 00:17:26,085 [audience applause] 472 00:17:26,168 --> 00:17:28,335 Tonight's musical guests, 473 00:17:28,418 --> 00:17:31,043 two of Chicago's finest MCs, 474 00:17:31,126 --> 00:17:34,043 give it up for Common and Kanye West. 475 00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:36,418 [audience applause] 476 00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:38,085 Common sense, yeah. 477 00:17:38,168 --> 00:17:41,085 Yeah, it's common sense 478 00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:43,876 with Kanye West on the Dave Chappelle show 479 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,751 everybody got to eat, right, y'all? 480 00:17:45,835 --> 00:17:47,501 It's the food, baby. 481 00:17:47,585 --> 00:17:49,085 ♪ Yo, I walked in the crib ♪ 482 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,335 ♪ Got two kids And my baby mama late ♪ 483 00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,043 ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪ 484 00:17:53,126 --> 00:17:55,585 ♪ So I had to did What I had to did ♪ 485 00:17:55,668 --> 00:17:56,960 ♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪ 486 00:17:57,043 --> 00:17:58,835 ♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪ 487 00:17:58,918 --> 00:18:01,168 ♪ I'm up all night Getting my money right ♪ 488 00:18:01,251 --> 00:18:02,168 ♪ Until the blue and whites ♪ 489 00:18:02,251 --> 00:18:03,501 ♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪ 490 00:18:03,585 --> 00:18:05,085 ♪ Now the money Coming slow ♪ 491 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,793 ♪ But at least a nigga know Slow motion better than ♪ 492 00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:10,126 ♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪ 493 00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:12,335 ♪ You love to hear The story again and again ♪ 494 00:18:12,418 --> 00:18:15,168 ♪ About these young brothers From the city of wind ♪ 495 00:18:15,251 --> 00:18:17,751 ♪ Like juice and gin In the city we blend ♪ 496 00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:19,835 ♪ Amongst the hustle, Titties and skin ♪ 497 00:18:19,918 --> 00:18:21,251 ♪ '50s and rims ♪ 498 00:18:21,335 --> 00:18:23,835 ♪ Y'all know the Sprewells And trucks that's detailed ♪ 499 00:18:23,918 --> 00:18:26,126 ♪ Heartless females That want to ride in them ♪ 500 00:18:26,210 --> 00:18:28,876 ♪ Felt the south side venom With rawhides and denim ♪ 501 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,710 ♪ Pimp minds collide with them In a system that tries victims ♪ 502 00:18:31,793 --> 00:18:34,668 ♪ We living it, my man In the fast lane pivoting ♪ 503 00:18:34,751 --> 00:18:37,085 ♪ On the block White is selling like Eminem ♪ 504 00:18:37,168 --> 00:18:39,918 ♪ On the block get Jumped off like Kim and them ♪ 505 00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:41,210 ♪ On the block is hot ♪ 506 00:18:41,043 --> 00:18:42,710 ♪ You can feel it In your skin and then ♪ 507 00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:45,293 ♪ Shorties get the game but no Instructions to assembling ♪ 508 00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:48,085 ♪ Eyes bright it seems like The fight is dimming them ♪ 509 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,210 ♪ Call my man cuz like I'm kin to him ♪ 510 00:18:50,293 --> 00:18:52,668 ♪ He trying to stay straight The streets is bending him ♪ 511 00:18:52,751 --> 00:18:54,168 ♪ I walked in the crib ♪ 512 00:18:54,251 --> 00:18:56,460 ♪ Got two kids And my baby mama late ♪ 513 00:18:56,543 --> 00:18:58,210 ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪ 514 00:18:58,293 --> 00:19:00,835 ♪ So I had to did What I had to did ♪ 515 00:19:00,918 --> 00:19:02,085 ♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪ 516 00:19:02,168 --> 00:19:03,710 ♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪ 517 00:19:03,793 --> 00:19:06,085 ♪ Yo, I'm up all night Getting my money right ♪ 518 00:19:06,168 --> 00:19:07,501 ♪ Until the blue and whites ♪ 519 00:19:07,585 --> 00:19:09,168 ♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪ 520 00:19:09,251 --> 00:19:11,543 ♪ Now the money coming slow But at least a nigga know ♪ 521 00:19:11,626 --> 00:19:13,126 ♪ Slow motion better than ♪ 522 00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:14,626 ♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪ 523 00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:17,126 ♪ It's all good in the hood Like raps and gems ♪ 524 00:19:17,210 --> 00:19:20,335 ♪ Throwbacks and timbs, Blacks and rims ♪ 525 00:19:20,418 --> 00:19:23,085 ♪ Whether on ball courts Attires of all sorts ♪ 526 00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:24,543 ♪ We never fall short ♪ 527 00:19:24,626 --> 00:19:27,168 ♪ With us, it's all force like Air-1s ♪ 528 00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:28,960 ♪ Some waves, some air guns ♪ 529 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:31,126 ♪ The days of the fair one Is over for ♪ 530 00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:32,876 ♪ Cats is colder Than four below ♪ 531 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,210 ♪ Myself, I go toe-to-toe ♪ 532 00:19:34,293 --> 00:19:36,876 ♪ Wondering if it's for The art or for the dough ♪ 533 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,710 ♪ Though I know to grow a nigga Got to learn to let go ♪ 534 00:19:39,793 --> 00:19:40,918 ♪ Though I know the dough ♪ 535 00:19:41,001 --> 00:19:42,126 ♪ I got to bring back To the Ghetto ♪ 536 00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:45,168 ♪ Arrows on tarot cards Pointing to the grind ♪ 537 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:47,251 ♪ Poor living in more prisons Pointing to my mind ♪ 538 00:19:47,335 --> 00:19:48,710 ♪ Shine the light up ♪ 539 00:19:48,793 --> 00:19:50,418 ♪ Clench my fist tight Holding the right up ♪ 540 00:19:50,501 --> 00:19:53,085 ♪ Freedom fighting dark year For the years to get brighter ♪ 541 00:19:53,168 --> 00:19:56,168 ♪ Situations Their jaws get tighter ♪ 542 00:19:56,251 --> 00:19:58,126 ♪ My man tried to get his weight And height up, come on ♪ 543 00:19:58,210 --> 00:19:59,668 ♪ I walked in the crib ♪ 544 00:19:59,751 --> 00:20:01,793 ♪ Got two kids And my baby mama late ♪ 545 00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:03,793 ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪ 546 00:20:03,876 --> 00:20:06,085 ♪ So I had to did What I had to did ♪ 547 00:20:06,168 --> 00:20:07,418 ♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪ 548 00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:09,043 ♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪ 549 00:20:09,126 --> 00:20:11,710 ♪ I'm up all night Getting my money right ♪ 550 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:12,668 ♪ Until the blue and whites ♪ 551 00:20:12,751 --> 00:20:14,126 ♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪ 552 00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:16,918 ♪ Now the money coming slow But at least a nigga know ♪ 553 00:20:17,001 --> 00:20:18,126 ♪ Slow motion better than ♪ 554 00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:20,043 ♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪ 555 00:20:20,126 --> 00:20:24,085 ♪ Hey yo, I, I know I could make it right ♪ 556 00:20:24,168 --> 00:20:27,251 ♪ If I could just Swallow my pride ♪ 557 00:20:27,085 --> 00:20:28,585 ♪ But I can't run away ♪ 558 00:20:28,668 --> 00:20:31,376 ♪ Or put my gun away You can't front on me ♪ 559 00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:35,418 ♪ I, no, I can't let it ride ♪ 560 00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:37,876 ♪ No, no, not tonight ♪ 561 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,168 ♪ No, I can't run away Or put my gun away ♪ 562 00:20:41,251 --> 00:20:42,876 ♪ You can't front on me ♪ 563 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,460 [audience applause] 564 00:20:45,126 --> 00:20:46,501 Common and Kanye. 565 00:20:48,210 --> 00:20:49,960 Like to thank you guys for watching. 566 00:20:50,043 --> 00:20:51,251 I'll see you next week. 567 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,085 I'm out. 568 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:56,251 [audience applause] 569 00:20:57,585 --> 00:20:58,960 I'm rich, biatch. 570 00:20:59,043 --> 00:21:00,001 [horn honking] 571 00:21:00,085 --> 00:21:01,085 Hi. Thank you. 572 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,001 Get your motherfucking hands off me, man. 573 00:21:04,085 --> 00:21:05,293 You trying to get choked? 574 00:21:05,376 --> 00:21:07,668 I seen people shit on the street 'cause they ain't got no toilet. 575 00:21:08,626 --> 00:21:09,460 This isn't the Vernon I know. 576 00:21:09,543 --> 00:21:10,710 [laughs] 577 00:21:12,085 --> 00:21:13,001 What'd you say? 578 00:21:13,085 --> 00:21:14,210 You think this is a game? 579 00:21:14,043 --> 00:21:15,460 You think this is a fucking game? 580 00:21:15,543 --> 00:21:16,918 [barking] 581 00:21:17,585 --> 00:21:19,293 [laughing] 582 00:21:19,376 --> 00:21:20,876 [barking] 583 00:21:21,418 --> 00:21:22,335 Roc-a-fella! 584 00:21:24,835 --> 00:21:26,043 [barking] 585 00:21:27,085 --> 00:21:28,376 Now tell me, brother. 586 00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:30,251 ♪ Where you gonna go? ♪ 587 00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:35,126 ♪