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♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[male announcer]
Dave Chappelle, come on down.
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You're the next black comedian
to get his own show!
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["The Price is Right" theme]
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[cheers and applause]
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Oh, my God, I did it.
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Hey, everybody, what's up?
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Welcome.
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Welcome, everybody,
to Chappelle's Show.
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As you see, I am "Dizzle."
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[laughing]
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You know,
I've been watching the news
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and reading the papers,
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and I've been seeing that
there's been a lot of, like,
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scandalous behavior.
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Like, these, uh,
these major corporations--
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they rip everybody off.
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Enrons and Tycos
and all this stuff.
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They don't be getting no time.
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They don't get
no time in jail.
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[audience laughing]
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I got to get in on this
"Being white" thing.
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It's like there's
two legal systems, damn near.
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It'd be better if they--
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just for like, maybe,
three days, if, like,
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they actually put those guys
through the legal system
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that we all
have to go through,
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and then they put, like,
crack dealers and shit
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through the legal system
that they go through.
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Wouldn't that be something?
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Well, tonight we have
a very special episode
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of Law and Order.
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I hope you enjoy it.
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How was work today, Charles?
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Oh, same old, same old.
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Accounting's complaining about
us misleading the stockholders
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and blowing
the employee pensions and--
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what a bunch of babies.
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I mean, come on,
this is business, people, right?
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And speaking of business, yeah?
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[growls]
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Satchco, take a powder.
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And you.
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-[screams]
-[chuckles]
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-[growls]
-[meows]
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Snuggle bunny!
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[laughs]
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-[police] Go, go, go.
-[screaming]
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[speaking indistinctively]
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get on the ground!
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[screaming]
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[dog panting]
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Shut that fucking dog up!
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[gunshot]
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Get on the fucking ground!
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Stop resisting, sir!
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[phone ringing]
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Nigga, I said stop
calling here, all right?
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I'm bagging up the coke up
as fast as I can!
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I'm detective Charles Stevens
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from the Dade County
Police Department.
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I've got a warrant here
for your arrest.
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A warrant?
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Charge is cocaine trafficking,
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and, um, frankly,
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I'm afraid I don't know
how to handle it.
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Oh, man,
we got to be careful with this.
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We don't want to embarrass
somebody like me
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in front of my family
and my community.
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I tell you what,
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I'll come in and turn myself in
around Thursday, okay?
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Is 1:00 good for you?
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- Oh, no,
that's no good for me.
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I've got some trim coming
at 12:00.
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I'll turn myself in,
say, between
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2:00 and 6:00?
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Thank you so very much
for your help and, again,
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I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
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Oh, no problem.
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One love.
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Uh, yeah. I love you too.
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[laughing]
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So what am I charged with?
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Yeah, like you don't know,
you little bitch.
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[coughing]
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Could you do me
a favor and not smoke?
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I'm allergic.
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Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.
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Why don't I do you a favor and
put it out there for you, huh?
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How do you like that,
you piece of crap!
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I want answers, punk!
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[whimpers]
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I want to talk to my lawyer!
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He wants to talk to his lawyer.
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Legal aid, you're on.
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Sorry, you're, like,
my 14th case this week.
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-Somebody take a piss in here?
-It was me!
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I peed.
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[timid elevator music]
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[timid elevator music]
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I would like
to compliment you gentlemen
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on a very classy,
baller-ass spread
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with cheeses that I've
never even seen before.
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And my apologies
for being late,
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but I got caught up
with some Poonany.
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[laughs]
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Well, so, it's like I said,
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we don't want to make
a big deal out of this thing.
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You're a cocaine dealer,
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but you've done a lot
of good for the community.
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Oh, I know, man,
on Thanksgiving,
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I'll be passing Turkeys out
like Nino Brown, baby.
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But, seriously,
we have to do something.
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How about you testify before
a senate committee and spend
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two months at club fed?
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When I get out,
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can I still traffic rocks
to the community?
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Absolutely not!
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You're right.
Selling rocks would be wrong.
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[laughs]
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Jail's the shit!
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Anyway, he points the gun at us,
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and he tells his dog to sic us.
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It was at that point
that I fired upon the canine
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and we were able
to subdue Mr. Jeffreys.
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Upon further search
of the mansion,
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we were able to locate this,
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pure Colombian heroin.
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Yeah, wait a minute.
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Your honor, I don't know
who's heroin that is,
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but it certainly
isn't mine.
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Then his wife threw
her titties in my hand.
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It was weird, your honor.
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You grabbed her titties!
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I saw you!
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Before I sentence you,
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is there anything
you'd like to say?
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Okay, first of all--
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All right, that's enough.
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You're the worst kind of scum
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on the face of the earth.
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You're an animal.
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A filthy, big-lipped beast.
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I'd like to congratulate
the jury of your peers
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for reaching a verdict
so quickly.
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Ten minutes
is a new court record.
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All your possessions will be
seized immediately by the court,
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and you will receive
the mandatory
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minimum of life in prison.
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Plenty of time to lift weights
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and convert to Islam.
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Now get out of my sight,
you fuck.
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Sir, is it true you were
a crack cocaine dealer
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for seven years?
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I plead the fifth.
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Sir, will you tell us about
the cartels you dealt with
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in your time
as a crack cocaine dealer?
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Um, no, but I can tell you
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that I plead the fizzifth.
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Exactly how much money
did you earn
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in your time
as a crack cocaine dealer?
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♪ There ♪
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♪ Are ♪
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♪ I said there are ♪
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♪ So many amendments ♪
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♪ In the constitution ♪
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♪ Of the United States
of America ♪
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♪ I can only choose one ♪
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[glass whistling]
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♪ I can only choose ♪
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♪ One ♪
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♪ I plead the fifth ♪
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♪ I plead the fifth ♪
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♪ Five ♪
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♪ One, two, three, four, fifth ♪
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♪ Anything you say, fifth ♪
♪ Go ahead, ask me a question ♪
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-Did you--
-♪ Fifth ♪
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Sir, I have a secret document
that I think you need to see.
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♪ Fifth ♪
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That will be all, sir.
Good afternoon.
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I got your sentence
reduced to a month, buddy.
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Oh!
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[laughs]
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We'll take
a quick commercial break
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and be right back.
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Better not bring your kids! ♪
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Hello.
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My name's Tyrone Biggums.
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Sometimes,
the endless pursuit of crack
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leaves me tired and depleted.
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But now cocaine comes
in a delicious shake.
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Red balls!
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It gives me wings!
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[sighs]
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Mmm, hummina, hummina,
hummina, hummina!
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My baby!
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I left my baby in the car!
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[baby crying]
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[radar beeping]
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Oh, my god!
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[bionic man shimmer]
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00:09:14,793 --> 00:09:18,085
FYI, people
still do steal radios, hon.
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How do you think
I got this suit?
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[bionic man shimmer]
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That Red Ball's got me!
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Ahh!
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[radar beeping]
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[bionic man shimmer]
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Mayday, Mayday.
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We have a crack head
lifting up the bus.
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Must be Red Ball.
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I love this drink!
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Thank you, Red Balls.
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Excuse me, jailer.
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Pardon me.
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00:10:01,126 --> 00:10:03,168
Might I have a Red Balls,
please?
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00:10:08,835 --> 00:10:09,876
Shazam!
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00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:14,168
[screams]
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00:10:14,251 --> 00:10:16,668
[bionic man shimmer]
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00:10:19,376 --> 00:10:21,960
[thuds]
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00:10:23,793 --> 00:10:26,626
Red balls.
Cocaine in a can, baby!
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I can get some money
for this.
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[cheers and applause]
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Y'all remember last season,
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we used to do a segment called
"Ask a black dude"
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00:10:42,751 --> 00:10:45,251
that featured
comedian Paul Mooney.
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00:10:45,085 --> 00:10:47,210
Well, he's back again this year
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as America's leading
black psychic, Negrodamus.
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For centuries,
people have turned to one man
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00:11:02,085 --> 00:11:04,710
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
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00:11:04,793 --> 00:11:06,918
That man is Negrodamus.
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00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:09,543
You, sir.
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00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:11,668
Negrodamus,
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will Arsenio Hall
ever have another show?
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00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:18,293
Yes, Arsenio Hall
will get another show.
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It will be called
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00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:23,626
Good morning, Black America.
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It will be shown at noon
throughout the country.
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Thank you so much,
Negrodamus.
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Next.
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[with French accent]
Negrodamus,
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00:11:34,710 --> 00:11:35,626
hello from France.
250
00:11:43,501 --> 00:11:46,335
Arnold Schwarzenegger
will divorce his wife
251
00:11:46,418 --> 00:11:49,043
and marry
Shirley Temple Black.
252
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:52,001
And she will be Mrs. Shirley
Temple Black-negger.
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00:11:54,043 --> 00:11:55,043
You, sir.
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00:11:56,793 --> 00:11:57,543
Negrodamus,
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00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,876
uh, why do White people
love Wayne Brady so much?
256
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,043
White people
love Wayne Brady
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00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:07,168
because he makes
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00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,543
Bryant Gumbel
look like Malcolm X.
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00:12:11,626 --> 00:12:14,001
[Announcer] For centuries,
people have turned to one man
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00:12:14,085 --> 00:12:16,710
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
261
00:12:16,793 --> 00:12:18,876
That man is Negrodamus.
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00:12:20,751 --> 00:12:22,376
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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Y'all don't go nowhere.
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We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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00:12:30,001 --> 00:12:31,626
♪ Oww ♪
267
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Welcome back.
268
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You know, I don't know
if anyone's ever seen
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00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:41,335
this segment we've
done on the show,
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"Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories,"
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but if you haven't seen it,
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Addie's older brother, Charlie,
works on our show,
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00:12:47,751 --> 00:12:50,376
and he tells us
these crazy stories,
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some of which are so crazy
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00:12:52,043 --> 00:12:55,210
that we have to have him come by
and tell them to the crowd!
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So tonight,
we have for you
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00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:02,001
a brand-new true Hollywood story
from Charlie Murphy.
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00:13:05,168 --> 00:13:07,085
I can recall another one,
like, in, you know-
279
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I think it was in '85, like,
280
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:12,710
when all that androgynous shit
was going on,
281
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,918
and what was wild was that
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the guy who looked
the most like a bitch
283
00:13:17,251 --> 00:13:19,168
was getting all the women.
284
00:13:19,251 --> 00:13:21,501
Even I had it--
the Jerry Curl was coming out,
285
00:13:21,585 --> 00:13:24,710
and I had my shit slicked
to the side and all that.
286
00:13:24,793 --> 00:13:27,335
If you wearing baggy shit now
and you acting hard,
287
00:13:27,418 --> 00:13:28,793
if you from LA,
288
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:32,251
you motherfuckers was wearing
some strange shit.
289
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:34,335
We in the club.
290
00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:36,085
We getting our groove on,
shaking it up,
291
00:13:36,168 --> 00:13:37,668
and Prince came in there.
292
00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:41,668
That's when
Purple Rain came out,
293
00:13:41,751 --> 00:13:45,126
and Prince was the shit,
you know what I'm saying?
294
00:13:45,210 --> 00:13:46,293
Prince had on, like, a--
295
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it was like
a Zorro-type outfit.
296
00:13:48,668 --> 00:13:51,043
It had the ruffles
that come down the front.
297
00:13:51,126 --> 00:13:54,293
He had the big perm
fluffed out and all that.
298
00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:58,626
And the mustache, you know,
just drawn on his face.
299
00:13:58,710 --> 00:14:02,126
And it looked like something
that a figure skater would wear,
300
00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:04,126
you know what I'm saying?
301
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:05,668
And he was
with his whole crew,
302
00:14:05,751 --> 00:14:09,543
and he had this other cat
named Mickey Free,
303
00:14:09,626 --> 00:14:12,876
and Mickey Free was, like,
the new cat in Shalamar
304
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that, when he joined the group,
I heard mad cats, like,
305
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"Yo, Shalamar got
this new girl in there.
306
00:14:18,126 --> 00:14:20,168
Man, that bitch fine
like a motherfucker."
307
00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:22,501
They was talking about
Mickey Free, okay?
308
00:14:22,585 --> 00:14:25,251
Mickey Free is not a girl,
all right?
309
00:14:25,335 --> 00:14:27,501
They came over
where we was at.
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00:14:27,585 --> 00:14:29,460
Prince started talking
to my brother.
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00:14:29,543 --> 00:14:30,585
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
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00:14:30,668 --> 00:14:31,668
Prince, what's up?
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00:14:31,751 --> 00:14:33,543
I'm a big fan
of your comedies.
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00:14:33,626 --> 00:14:35,126
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
315
00:14:35,210 --> 00:14:36,543
Would you like
to come to my house
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and listen
to some music?
317
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:39,043
Oh, that's cool.
318
00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:40,543
Fruity, get the car.
319
00:14:40,626 --> 00:14:41,835
Assemble your crew.
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00:14:42,585 --> 00:14:43,585
I'll be outside.
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00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:49,251
We went up there.
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We get there.
He puts the tracks on.
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00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:52,960
The tracks are slamming,
you know what I mean?
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00:14:53,043 --> 00:14:54,460
And we're listening
to the music and everything.
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00:14:54,543 --> 00:14:55,668
Grooving at the crib.
326
00:14:55,751 --> 00:14:57,418
He had girls over there.
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He had a nice environment.
It was tight.
328
00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:03,001
This bores me.
329
00:15:04,626 --> 00:15:06,626
Is anyone up
for a game of basketball?
330
00:15:07,918 --> 00:15:10,751
[laughs]
331
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:15,418
How about
you and your friends
332
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:18,168
versus me
and The Revolution?
333
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,251
[laughs]
334
00:15:22,335 --> 00:15:24,460
So I was like, "This nigga
must be joking, man."
335
00:15:24,543 --> 00:15:26,668
I don't know where he's going
with this and shit.
336
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,876
But he was dead serious.
337
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,085
He had his, uh,
helper or whatever
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go and get some, like,
shorts and sneakers
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and gave them to us.
340
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,126
And laughing, I'm like,
341
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"This is gonna be some
funny-ass shit."
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00:15:38,335 --> 00:15:40,085
So they come out, right?
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00:15:40,168 --> 00:15:42,168
And I look at them,
and, um,
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they still got on the same shit
they was wearing at the club.
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It was wild, and I was like,
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"I know they ain't thinking
about playing ball in that."
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00:15:55,876 --> 00:15:58,251
But they were.
I said, "Hey, you know what?"
348
00:15:58,335 --> 00:16:00,001
You know what we're
gonna call this?
349
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,668
The shirts
against the blouses.
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[laughter]
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00:16:04,626 --> 00:16:08,043
And when I said that,
this look came on his face.
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He ice grilled me.
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00:16:11,251 --> 00:16:13,126
And I'm looking back at him,
thinking to myself,
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you know,
"What are you angry about?
355
00:16:14,626 --> 00:16:17,418
"I mean, you know where
you got that shirt from,
356
00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:19,793
and it damn sure wasn't
the men's department."
357
00:16:19,876 --> 00:16:21,501
I mean, I kind of
learned something that day,
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don't never judge
a book by its cover.
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This cat could ball, man.
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Play ball.
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00:16:32,043 --> 00:16:34,668
He was crossing cats like ice.
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Crossed me up.
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Made my knees
slam together.
364
00:16:38,126 --> 00:16:40,835
He was getting rebounds
like Charles Barkley.
365
00:16:40,918 --> 00:16:42,085
Snatching it down!
366
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,085
Shoot the "J."
367
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,210
Shoot it!
368
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:47,543
Let's run a play.
Computer blue.
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00:16:48,543 --> 00:16:49,335
Darling picky.
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Oww!
371
00:16:52,168 --> 00:16:54,168
They was kind of setting
these fruity picks, man,
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00:16:54,251 --> 00:16:55,126
you know what I'm saying?
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00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:56,668
Like, you'd be trying
to check Prince,
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00:16:56,751 --> 00:16:58,626
and then you go this cat
standing behind you,
375
00:16:58,710 --> 00:16:59,835
and he's getting close to you,
376
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:01,335
and his hands
is out like this.
377
00:17:01,418 --> 00:17:02,960
You don't really want
to be bent over
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00:17:03,043 --> 00:17:04,626
in front of a cat like that,
you know what I'm saying?
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00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,918
Prince was incredible!
380
00:17:12,918 --> 00:17:14,960
Prince, you got a towel, man?
381
00:17:15,043 --> 00:17:16,835
It's kind of hot
out here, man.
382
00:17:16,918 --> 00:17:19,251
Why don't you purify
yourself in the waters
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00:17:19,335 --> 00:17:20,710
of Lake Minnetonka.
384
00:17:22,043 --> 00:17:23,168
Good.
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00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:25,126
In your face,
Charlie Murphy.
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00:17:25,543 --> 00:17:26,251
Good.
387
00:17:27,251 --> 00:17:28,210
Good hustle.
[slap]
388
00:17:29,210 --> 00:17:31,418
Yo, man,
I'm not on your team.
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00:17:37,418 --> 00:17:39,418
I mean, it wasn't even
like it was close.
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00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,710
It was a landslide victory.
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00:17:44,876 --> 00:17:45,626
Game.
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Blouses.
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00:17:49,293 --> 00:17:50,710
I was there.
I seen it.
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00:17:50,793 --> 00:17:51,960
You don't believe me?
395
00:17:52,043 --> 00:17:53,418
You think
I'm making it up?
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00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:55,918
You think I'm trying to,
uh, you know,
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00:17:56,001 --> 00:17:59,501
enhance the story
because I'm involved?
398
00:17:59,585 --> 00:18:02,043
Or trying to give myself
an excuse for losing
399
00:18:02,126 --> 00:18:05,626
because I'm telling you
a story about Prince?
400
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:10,043
I dare you to challenge Prince
to a game of ball one-on-one.
401
00:18:10,126 --> 00:18:11,210
Challenge him!
402
00:18:13,251 --> 00:18:14,543
A'ight?
403
00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:17,835
And make sure your people
is there to see the game.
404
00:18:17,918 --> 00:18:19,876
'Cause you might get
embarrassed.
405
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,501
Trust me.
406
00:18:21,585 --> 00:18:22,960
All right,
he beat you in basketball,
407
00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:23,835
and then what happened?
408
00:18:23,918 --> 00:18:25,251
After it was all over,
409
00:18:26,293 --> 00:18:28,626
he took us in the house
and served us pancakes.
410
00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:36,001
Pancakes.
411
00:18:36,085 --> 00:18:37,585
Well,
I got to admit, um,
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00:18:39,168 --> 00:18:40,668
it was a good game.
413
00:18:40,751 --> 00:18:42,710
I wish I could say
the same for you
414
00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:44,210
and your crew of flunkies.
415
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,918
Do you guys
want some grapes?
416
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:50,335
I mean, you know,
there's some great storytellers
417
00:18:50,418 --> 00:18:52,335
in the world
that we live in today, man.
418
00:18:52,418 --> 00:18:53,210
Bitches.
419
00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:57,085
Who the fuck
can make up that shit?
420
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:02,251
[cheers and applause]
421
00:19:08,168 --> 00:19:08,918
♪ Whoo! ♪
422
00:19:10,460 --> 00:19:11,710
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
423
00:19:12,793 --> 00:19:14,085
♪ What you gonna see ♪
424
00:19:14,168 --> 00:19:15,251
Hey, what's happening?
425
00:19:16,668 --> 00:19:18,751
You guys are
a wonderful crowd.
426
00:19:18,835 --> 00:19:20,751
I'd like to thank you all
for being here
427
00:19:20,835 --> 00:19:22,251
and you at home
for watching.
428
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:24,460
I will see you another time.
Good night.
429
00:19:24,543 --> 00:19:27,251
[cheers and applause]
430
00:19:27,335 --> 00:19:29,001
I'm rich, biatch!
431
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,001
[horn honking]
432
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,085
Hi, thank you.
433
00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:33,668
Next rock.
434
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:37,168
Woman, give me
some of that Red Balls.
435
00:19:37,251 --> 00:19:38,751
Come on, Tyreta.
Come on.
436
00:19:38,835 --> 00:19:40,835
Oh. Oh, Red Balls.
437
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:45,251
Shazam!
438
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:47,876
This is the ride of my life.
439
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:50,626
I'm having another
heart attack.
440
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:53,251
Thank you, Red Balls.
441
00:19:54,251 --> 00:19:55,293
Bitch, I can't sit still.
442
00:19:55,376 --> 00:19:56,168
Take this.
443
00:19:56,251 --> 00:19:57,710
I'll be right back, Tyreta.
444
00:19:57,793 --> 00:19:59,043
I got to run some errands.
445
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,043
[bionic man shimmer]