♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[male announcer] Dave Chappelle, come on down.
You're the next black comedian to get his own show!
["The Price is Right" theme]
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my God, I did it.
Hey, everybody, what's up?
Welcome.
Welcome, everybody, to Chappelle's Show.
As you see, I am "Dizzle."
[laughing]
You know, I've been watching the news
and reading the papers,
and I've been seeing that there's been a lot of, like,
scandalous behavior.
Like, these, uh, these major corporations--
they rip everybody off.
Enrons and Tycos and all this stuff.
They don't be getting no time.
They don't get no time in jail.
[audience laughing]
I got to get in on this "Being white" thing.
It's like there's two legal systems, damn near.
It'd be better if they--
just for like, maybe, three days, if, like,
they actually put those guys through the legal system
that we all have to go through,
and then they put, like, crack dealers and shit
through the legal system that they go through.
Wouldn't that be something?
Well, tonight we have a very special episode
of Law and Order.
I hope you enjoy it.
How was work today, Charles?
Oh, same old, same old.
Accounting's complaining about us misleading the stockholders
and blowing the employee pensions and--
what a bunch of babies.
I mean, come on, this is business, people, right?
And speaking of business, yeah?
[growls]
Satchco, take a powder.
And you.
-[screams] -[chuckles]
-[growls] -[meows]
Snuggle bunny!
[laughs]
-[police] Go, go, go. -[screaming]
[speaking indistinctively]
get on the ground!
[screaming]
[dog panting]
Shut that fucking dog up!
[gunshot]
Get on the fucking ground!
Stop resisting, sir!
[phone ringing]
Nigga, I said stop calling here, all right?
I'm bagging up the coke up as fast as I can!
I'm detective Charles Stevens
from the Dade County Police Department.
I've got a warrant here for your arrest.
A warrant?
Charge is cocaine trafficking,
and, um, frankly,
I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it.
Oh, man, we got to be careful with this.
We don't want to embarrass somebody like me
in front of my family and my community.
I tell you what,
I'll come in and turn myself in around Thursday, okay?
Is 1:00 good for you?
- Oh, no, that's no good for me.
I've got some trim coming at 12:00.
I'll turn myself in, say, between
2:00 and 6:00?
Thank you so very much for your help and, again,
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Oh, no problem.
One love.
Uh, yeah. I love you too.
[laughing]
So what am I charged with?
Yeah, like you don't know, you little bitch.
[coughing]
Could you do me a favor and not smoke?
I'm allergic.
Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.
Why don't I do you a favor and put it out there for you, huh?
How do you like that, you piece of crap!
I want answers, punk!
[whimpers]
I want to talk to my lawyer!
He wants to talk to his lawyer.
Legal aid, you're on.
Sorry, you're, like, my 14th case this week.
-Somebody take a piss in here? -It was me!
I peed.
[timid elevator music]
I would like to compliment you gentlemen
on a very classy, baller-ass spread
with cheeses that I've never even seen before.
And my apologies for being late,
but I got caught up with some Poonany.
[laughs]
Well, so, it's like I said,
we don't want to make a big deal out of this thing.
You're a cocaine dealer,
but you've done a lot of good for the community.
Oh, I know, man, on Thanksgiving,
I'll be passing Turkeys out like Nino Brown, baby.
But, seriously, we have to do something.
How about you testify before a senate committee and spend
two months at club fed?
When I get out,
can I still traffic rocks to the community?
Absolutely not!
You're right. Selling rocks would be wrong.
[laughs]
Jail's the shit!
Anyway, he points the gun at us,
and he tells his dog to sic us.
It was at that point that I fired upon the canine
and we were able to subdue Mr. Jeffreys.
Upon further search of the mansion,
we were able to locate this,
pure Colombian heroin.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Your honor, I don't know who's heroin that is,
but it certainly isn't mine.
Then his wife threw her titties in my hand.
It was weird, your honor.
You grabbed her titties!
I saw you!
Before I sentence you,
is there anything you'd like to say?
Okay, first of all--
All right, that's enough.
You're the worst kind of scum
on the face of the earth.
You're an animal.
A filthy, big-lipped beast.
I'd like to congratulate the jury of your peers
for reaching a verdict so quickly.
Ten minutes is a new court record.
All your possessions will be seized immediately by the court,
and you will receive the mandatory
minimum of life in prison.
Plenty of time to lift weights
and convert to Islam.
Now get out of my sight, you fuck.
Sir, is it true you were a crack cocaine dealer
for seven years?
I plead the fifth.
Sir, will you tell us about the cartels you dealt with
in your time as a crack cocaine dealer?
Um, no, but I can tell you
that I plead the fizzifth.
Exactly how much money did you earn
in your time as a crack cocaine dealer?
♪ There ♪
♪ Are ♪
♪ I said there are ♪
♪ So many amendments ♪
♪ In the constitution ♪
♪ Of the United States of America ♪
♪ I can only choose one ♪
[glass whistling]
♪ I can only choose ♪
♪ One ♪
♪ I plead the fifth ♪
♪ Five ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, fifth ♪
♪ Anything you say, fifth ♪ ♪ Go ahead, ask me a question ♪
-Did you-- -♪ Fifth ♪
Sir, I have a secret document that I think you need to see.
♪ Fifth ♪
That will be all, sir. Good afternoon.
I got your sentence reduced to a month, buddy.
Oh!
[laughs]
We'll take a quick commercial break
and be right back.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Better not bring your kids! ♪
Hello.
My name's Tyrone Biggums.
Sometimes, the endless pursuit of crack
leaves me tired and depleted.
But now cocaine comes in a delicious shake.
Red balls!
It gives me wings!
[sighs]
Mmm, hummina, hummina, hummina, hummina!
My baby!
I left my baby in the car!
[baby crying]
[radar beeping]
Oh, my god!
[bionic man shimmer]
FYI, people still do steal radios, hon.
How do you think I got this suit?
[bionic man shimmer]
That Red Ball's got me!
Ahh!
[radar beeping]
[bionic man shimmer]
Mayday, Mayday.
We have a crack head lifting up the bus.
Must be Red Ball.
I love this drink!
Thank you, Red Balls.
Excuse me, jailer.
Pardon me.
Might I have a Red Balls, please?
Shazam!
[screams]
[bionic man shimmer]
[thuds]
Red balls. Cocaine in a can, baby!
I can get some money for this.
[cheers and applause]
Y'all remember last season,
we used to do a segment called "Ask a black dude"
that featured comedian Paul Mooney.
Well, he's back again this year
as America's leading black psychic, Negrodamus.
For centuries, people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
will Arsenio Hall ever have another show?
Yes, Arsenio Hall will get another show.
It will be called
Good morning, Black America.
It will be shown at noon throughout the country.
Thank you so much, Negrodamus.
Next.
[with French accent] Negrodamus,
hello from France.
Arnold Schwarzenegger will divorce his wife
and marry Shirley Temple Black.
And she will be Mrs. Shirley Temple Black-negger.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
uh, why do White people love Wayne Brady so much?
White people love Wayne Brady
because he makes
Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
[Announcer] For centuries, people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
Y'all don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
Welcome back.
You know, I don't know if anyone's ever seen
this segment we've done on the show,
"Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories,"
but if you haven't seen it,
Addie's older brother, Charlie, works on our show,
and he tells us these crazy stories,
some of which are so crazy
that we have to have him come by and tell them to the crowd!
So tonight, we have for you
a brand-new true Hollywood story from Charlie Murphy.
I can recall another one, like, in, you know-
I think it was in '85, like,
when all that androgynous shit was going on,
and what was wild was that
the guy who looked the most like a bitch
was getting all the women.
Even I had it-- the Jerry Curl was coming out,
and I had my shit slicked to the side and all that.
If you wearing baggy shit now and you acting hard,
if you from LA,
you motherfuckers was wearing some strange shit.
We in the club.
We getting our groove on, shaking it up,
and Prince came in there.
That's when Purple Rain came out,
and Prince was the shit, you know what I'm saying?
Prince had on, like, a--
it was like a Zorro-type outfit.
It had the ruffles that come down the front.
He had the big perm fluffed out and all that.
And the mustache, you know, just drawn on his face.
And it looked like something that a figure skater would wear,
you know what I'm saying?
And he was with his whole crew,
and he had this other cat named Mickey Free,
and Mickey Free was, like, the new cat in Shalamar
that, when he joined the group, I heard mad cats, like,
"Yo, Shalamar got this new girl in there.
Man, that bitch fine like a motherfucker."
They was talking about Mickey Free, okay?
Mickey Free is not a girl, all right?
They came over where we was at.
Prince started talking to my brother.
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
Prince, what's up?
I'm a big fan of your comedies.
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
Would you like to come to my house
and listen to some music?
Oh, that's cool.
Fruity, get the car.
Assemble your crew.
I'll be outside.
We went up there.
We get there. He puts the tracks on.
The tracks are slamming, you know what I mean?
And we're listening to the music and everything.
Grooving at the crib.
He had girls over there.
He had a nice environment. It was tight.
This bores me.
Is anyone up for a game of basketball?
[laughs]
How about you and your friends
versus me and The Revolution?
[laughs]
So I was like, "This nigga must be joking, man."
I don't know where he's going with this and shit.
But he was dead serious.
He had his, uh, helper or whatever
go and get some, like, shorts and sneakers
and gave them to us.
And laughing, I'm like,
"This is gonna be some funny-ass shit."
So they come out, right?
And I look at them, and, um,
they still got on the same shit they was wearing at the club.
It was wild, and I was like,
"I know they ain't thinking about playing ball in that."
But they were. I said, "Hey, you know what?"
You know what we're gonna call this?
The shirts against the blouses.
[laughter]
And when I said that, this look came on his face.
He ice grilled me.
And I'm looking back at him, thinking to myself,
you know, "What are you angry about?
"I mean, you know where you got that shirt from,
and it damn sure wasn't the men's department."
I mean, I kind of learned something that day,
don't never judge a book by its cover.
This cat could ball, man.
Play ball.
He was crossing cats like ice.
Crossed me up.
Made my knees slam together.
He was getting rebounds like Charles Barkley.
Snatching it down!
Shoot the "J."
Shoot it!
Let's run a play. Computer blue.
Darling picky.
Oww!
They was kind of setting these fruity picks, man,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, you'd be trying to check Prince,
and then you go this cat standing behind you,
and he's getting close to you,
and his hands is out like this.
You don't really want to be bent over
in front of a cat like that, you know what I'm saying?
Prince was incredible!
Prince, you got a towel, man?
It's kind of hot out here, man.
Why don't you purify yourself in the waters
of Lake Minnetonka.
Good.
In your face, Charlie Murphy.
Good.
Good hustle. [slap]
Yo, man, I'm not on your team.
I mean, it wasn't even like it was close.
It was a landslide victory.
Game.
Blouses.
I was there. I seen it.
You don't believe me?
You think I'm making it up?
You think I'm trying to, uh, you know,
enhance the story because I'm involved?
Or trying to give myself an excuse for losing
because I'm telling you a story about Prince?
I dare you to challenge Prince to a game of ball one-on-one.
Challenge him!
A'ight?
And make sure your people is there to see the game.
'Cause you might get embarrassed.
Trust me.
All right, he beat you in basketball,
and then what happened?
After it was all over,
he took us in the house and served us pancakes.
Pancakes.
Well, I got to admit, um,
it was a good game.
I wish I could say the same for you
and your crew of flunkies.
Do you guys want some grapes?
I mean, you know, there's some great storytellers
in the world that we live in today, man.
Bitches.
Who the fuck can make up that shit?
[cheers and applause]
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
♪ What you gonna see ♪
Hey, what's happening?
You guys are a wonderful crowd.
I'd like to thank you all for being here
and you at home for watching.
I will see you another time. Good night.
[cheers and applause]
I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honking]
Hi, thank you.
Next rock.
Woman, give me some of that Red Balls.
Come on, Tyreta. Come on.
Oh. Oh, Red Balls.
Shazam!
This is the ride of my life.
I'm having another heart attack.
Thank you, Red Balls.
Bitch, I can't sit still.
Take this.
I'll be right back, Tyreta.
I got to run some errands.
[bionic man shimmer]