♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪
Let's start the show.
[playing harmonica]
[man] You've just met that special someone,
and you're letting your desire for each other
take you to incredible heights.
But these days,
you can never be too sure they aren't going to dispute
whether the sex was consensual.
Mm, mm-- wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Before we go any further...
[man] Which is why this night calls for the love contract.
-What's this? -Nothing.
It's just a document saying that you're a willing participant
in this sexual experience, baby.
Well, I am.
Just sign here and here...
And initial there for oral.
-Oral? -I'ma do you too.
Okay.
And just initial there if you decline anal.
Unless, of course, you--
No, no, no, it's not going down.
Pretty much standard. Okay.
I don't know about you, but I'm still horny.
Let's do this, girl.
Oh... Oh, make me feel good!
[man] The love contract.
Because you'd hate to catch a beef
for something you know you didn't do.
And now...
Yow!
[grunting]
Ah...
Oh...
[sighs]
Well, that didn't take too long.
I know.
Just do me a favor, okay?
Don't tell anybody about this.
[man] From the makers of the love contract
comes the confidentiality agreement.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I know you won't,
or I'll sue your ass.
Kobe!
[man] Available at all Walbog's.
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Oh, boy!
Hey, everybody.
Hey, man.
Welcome to Chappelle's Show.
How about that love contract?
That might be a Hollywood joke, you know.
Hollywood's a crazy place.
I don't know if you guys know people that work in Hollywood
or talk to people-- There's a guy
that does sketches on our show, Charlie Murphy.
He was, like, Tyree in The Mad Real World.
That's Eddie Murphy's older brother.
A lot of people don't know that,
but he used to just tell us stories at lunchtime
about being in Hollywood that were so crazy.
And he told us one story that was so good
we had to have him come here
and tell it for you guys tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise--
Charlie Murphy's true Hollywood stories.
[cheers and applause]
I get out the navy, my brother's famous.
His fame is exploding.
I'm real proud of that, you know what I mean?
I'm getting to hang out with people
that I only read about in magazines
and seen, you know, on the screen somewhere.
I'm, like, standing next to them
and being at dinner tables with them
and, you know, it was a bug-out, man.
You know, I was a huge Rick James fan.
That's the first person that I would say
out of all the celebrities that I met
that I was star-struck.
We gonna hang out with Rick James tonight,
you know what I'm saying?
And here he comes out the room, when I look at him--
and I'm not bullshitting you, man,
I seen, like,
like an orange-- his aura or whatever,
I seen it.
It was orange.
♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
He started kicking it.
And he was mad niggerish, man,
which was, you know, right up my alley.
I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time.
I'm one of the best singers
and one of the best-lookin' motherfuckers you've ever seen.
Hold my drink, bitch.
He'd walk up to any chick
and lick the whole side of their face, man.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourself.
[chuckling]
We got closer, started hanging out.
My brother didn't do any of this shit.
So at night, when Eddie would break out,
we would all be getting crazy and wild.
And if I was hanging with Rick,
he had this thing with me
where he used to always, like, fuck with me, man.
I don't know what started it.
Charlie, he was hanging out with the big dogs, you know?
Charlie, he didn't know he was doing crazy things
and I had to straighten him out.
Sometimes I had to go upside his head.
Things escalated to the point where, you know,
my man got too familiar
and I ended up having to whip his ass, man,
you know, because,
you know, he would step across the line.
Habitually. He's a habitual line-stepper.
The first time, you know,
I had to end up whipping his ass, uh...
We went to Studio 54.
We walkin' up into the VIP section and, um,
I'm looking around to see who's there
and lookin' at the girls and everything.
And all of a sudden I heard someone go...
Charlie Murphy!
That was... ♪ Cold-blooded ♪
[laughs]
He had this ring on
to commemorate this song he had put out called Unity.
And this was imprinted in that black head of his
for at least a week.
♪ Unity ♪
Eddie and everybody else
thought that that was the funniest shit.
And so that threw me in a weird space,
'cause I'm like, yeah, this is Rick James.
He's a star.
I'm Rick James, bitch. [laughs]
This is a celebration, bitch. [laughs]
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I actually went there, like,
"Maybe I shouldn't do nothing."
But my ghetto side was goin',
"Yo, stomp this motherfucker out right here.
What the fuck is wrong with him?"
I drunk some wine
and I'm just getting started, bitches.
[laughing]
He totally just wrote me off.
Like, I'm that nigga to steal on,
you know what I'm sayin'?
What, he's gonna slap me back?
I'm Rick James. He's Charlie Murphy.
-I waited, 'cause I knew what hotel he was stayin' in.
Eddie and them went home
and I said, "Yo, I'll be right back."
I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room,
knocked on the door.
-So then he comes in there.
And I said, "Look, bitch, I'm Rick James."
Smacked him. [chuckling]
Oh, Charlie Murphy!
-He had his head cocked to throw another right hand.
When he was coming for it, I just came--blaow!
I caught him with the front.
He'll tell it like he gave me
some kind of Bruce Lee crosskick or somethin'.
I kicked the shit out of him, man.
[screams]
[screams in slow motion]
The wind is knocked out of him.
And then he screams out...
Security!
-The one in the front, he had crooked eyes and shit.
His one eye was lookin' at me.
The other one was looking at Rick.
Rick had edged over by the window.
Now, darkness, the tables are turned.
Do with him whatever you like.
You motherfuckers take one more step,
I'm kickin' this nigga out the motherfuckin' window.
Bobby, freeze!
You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier.
Look what you did to my face.
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy. It was an accident.
I was having too much fun.
I'll offer you a truce.
The stickiest of the icky.
You want to smoke with the old boy, Rick James?
Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
Now that you mention it,
I think I'm bleeding inside my chest.
But I got the medicine.
Bitch, come over here
and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
That was how that particular incident ended,
but it wasn't the last time I had to whip his ass...
Whip his ass... Whip his ass.
Don't you think Charlie's a little old
to be taking Karate?
He probably takin' it with the little kids.
Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass in his dreams.
I told you, Charlie had
delusions of grandeur in his head.
I'm telling you what was happening.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
You guys at home, stay comfortable,
because the whole episode's gonna be just like this.
We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show...
[cheers and applause]
♪ I'm going to The Dave Chappelle show ♪
How's this?
[cheers and applause]
We're back with more Chappelle's Show...
You know, folks,
I don't know if you guys are just joining us,
but if you missed the first act,
Charlie and Rick James are in the midst of a conflict.
Let's see how the ongoing
Charlie and Rick James feud develops.
The Studio 54 thing, you know, that blew over,
you know what I'm saying?
But then, you know, here we go again.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
Rick is encouraging me.
You know, he shows up at my brother's house fucked up.
Nice place, nigga.
So he had these dirty cowboy boots on.
Pushing us out of the way, barged in the house.
My brother had these brand-new couches.
They were suede, right?
And he gets on the couch and says...
Why don't I stretch out?
[laughs]
-And just started grinding mud all into the couch, man.
Yeah, I remember grinding my feet
into Eddie's couch.
-You remember why you did it?
Because Eddie could buy another one.
Fuck your couch, nigga.
Buy another one, you rich motherfucker.
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Darkness's, darknesse's...
'Cause of my complexion he used to call me darkness.
He calls me and my brother darkness.
He always says, "Darkness brothers."
See, this is long before Wesley Snipes.
Back then, we was the blackest niggas on the planet
according to Rick James.
Eddie--both of them were brother darkness.
Twin brother darkness.
-And we standing there, looking at him,
and he's looking right in our eyes
as he grinds his mud.
See, I never just did things just to do them.
Come on, I mean, what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch
like it's, you know, something to do?
Come on, I got a little more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch.
[tape rewinding]
see, I never just did things just to do them.
Come on, I mean, what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch
like it's something to do?
Come on, I got a little more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch.
But then it was like,
"You know what? Let's handle this."
We went over there...
Hey, Charlie Murphy!
-And we held him down,
and we just wailed on his legs.
Aah!
Aah, you darkness...
You black, midnight evil motherfucker!
Black magic, darkness!
You're all darkness!
You're fuckin'... Delirious motherfucker...
Aah!
You are cold as ice.
-But still, Rick James,
even after taking a beating like that...
Fuck yo' couch, nigga.
This motherfucker's goin' out.
His legs is like, like, linguine.
I've been kicked out of better homes than this!
I'll be back, you black motherfuckers!
Wide-nose-havin' motherfuckers!
They should've never gave you niggas money!
You don't know how to appreciate shit!
You know you can get another couch!
What am I gonna do about my legs, Eddie Murphy!
My brother, you know,
he's a lot more compassionate than I am.
He's looking and the Limo's drivin' off, and he said,
"Wow, man, Rick really needs help."
And I was like, "Yo, we just gave him some help.
Bust his fuckin' ass and shit.
I bet you he won't come over here
and disrespect like that again."
Wrong. Wrong.
We're talkin' about Rick James, man.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back
with more of Charlie Murphy's true Hollywood stories.
♪ Chappelle's Show. ♪
Better not bring your kids!
[cheers and applause]
Alright.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it is time for the dramatic conclusion
of Charlie Murphy's true Hollywood stories.
I had to fuck him up at 54.
You know, for what he did at 54,
I had to go to his hotel room and kick the shit out of him.
Then he came over to my brother's house,
and I had to whip his legs
because of what he did on the couch.
I heard him tell a story
that he came into the China Club one time
and I was behind the bar.
Now, this is true.
-This particular night,
I go over to the China Club,
and, um, I walk in, and I'll never forget--
the first thing I seen was OJ Simpson.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Wow, that's OJ Simpson!
He has a big fuckin' head, man."
And I walk from there, I went in the other section,
and there's Rick behind the bar.
Drink up! Be merry!
Welcome to the China Club.
A China chung-chang, a China chung-chung chang.
[laughs]
Rick's, you know, being Rick.
- Come on, baby, show me your titties.
I'm Rick James. Do something!
Mmm... Mmm...
I wish I had more hands
so I could give those titties four thumbs down.
[laughing]
I ain't realize how high he was.
Next thing you know, he's like...
Charlie Murphy!
What's up, partner?
Darkness, everybody, darkness!
Everyone, darkness is spreading!
Come over here, Charlie.
I'm behind the bar and I'm serving drinks,
and Charlie bends over.
I call out, "Charlie, come here."
Charlie, there's a new joke going around.
Have you heard it?
What did the five fingers say to the face?
What?
Slap!
♪ Cold-blooded ♪
[laughing]
Bang, bang!
I'm Rick James, bitch!
Everybody, King Kong ain't got shit on me!
-I'm standing there. I'm thinking,
this nigga really has lost his fuckin' mind.
First of all, you don't slap a man.
[in slow motion] Slap!
Okay?
I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, you know,
they did it in Paris, the guy would come up,
whap-whap-- "I challenge you to a duel!"
They would have a gun fight after that.
Somebody had to go!
-I just was bugging out.
Anyway, I waited for about five minutes,
something like that.
That's right, bitch.
[laughs]
Ahh, darkness!
What's up, man?
Darkness!
Check it out. Check it out.
I want to tell you somethin'. Come here.
Oh, what's goin' on?
Ow!
-I slapped the shit out of him.
Goddamn!
I came down on it like this.
[in slow motion] Ow!
Ah! Goddamn.
His extensions was flyin' all over the place.
That is absurd!
And he stepped back
and his eyes welled up with water
like he was getting ready to cry, and he said...
Why you hit me like that, Charlie?
'Cause you hit me, man!
That was weeks ago, motherfucker.
-I was partying! - No, that was tonight!
-And I see that he really forgot.
I hit you tonight?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
Come here, darkness.
Ha!
[laughs]
It's a celebration!
Bitches! Come here.
It's a celebration, bitches.
Show Charlie Murphy your titties.
I'm Rick James.
[laughs] The milk's gone bad, Murphy.
That was the ebb and flow.
It was, you know-- he would go over the top,
and then I would, you know, check him.
And then we would have fun after that.
We're still friends, as a matter of fact.
I love Charlie Murphy.
But we'd have it out, smacking each other upside the heads,
smacking each other in the face,
punching each other in the chest,
kick each other.
[in slow motion] Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Ow!
They should've never gave you niggas money!
Can you imagine two grown men doing this?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I must be losing my mind.
Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kicking my ass.
Ain't that a "b"?
I'm Rick James, bitch.
[cheers and applause]
I would like to thank Charlie Murphy,
I would like to thank Rick James,
and I would like to thank cocaine
for bringing us such a crazy story.
I'm Dave Chappelle.
You're the best audience in the world.
I'm out!
[cheers and applause]
How does Rick James pick up girls in the '80s?
How did I pick up girls in the '80s?
I didn't have to say much.
Charlie had to go through this whole thing.
"Uh, can I buy you a drink? Uh...uh...
"What sign are you?
This is my friend Rick James. We goin' to Rick James' house."
That's how Charlie picked up girls after the drinking.
"We goin' over to Rick's house after the club.
You want to come?"
♪ Now, tell me, brother ♪
[laughs]
Charlie used my name to pick up girls.