♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[playing harmonica]
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Oh!
Hey, everybody.
Hey!
Alright!
Welcome to Chappelle's Show.
Man, welcome, guys. Thanks for coming out tonight.
You at home, thanks for tuning in.
You know, folks, it's been an interesting couple of weeks
here at Chappelle's Show--
Lot of flak I've been getting
for the racially-charged sketches.
It happens.
[laughing]
But I think I'm being misunderstood,
so I just want to take a moment to explain myself, okay?
I'm not advocating
in any way, shape or form
any type of racial hatred.
I'm just making fun of each other's cultures.
It's fun.
Problem is, when you do stereotypical kind of jokes,
there's no room for subtleties.
People always say things, for instance,
that white people can't dance.
It's not that white people can't dance.
Is that, is that really how it goes?
[laughing]
I don't think so.
Let's explore this further, okay?
I'd like to introduce a piece now
called "White people dancing."
[laughing]
Hey, gang.
You know, all my life I've heard that white people can't dance.
I don't believe that.
I don't think it's so much that white people can't dance,
it's just that they like certain musical instruments.
That instrument, my friends, is electric guitar.
It speaks directly to the soul of the white person.
They find it irresistible.
Now with me, as you can see, is my good friend, John Mayer.
How are ya?
And we are going to test this theory this afternoon.
You ready?
-I'm ready. -Let's do it.
Let's go.
[Dave] It's my personal theory
that when white people hear electric guitar,
they cannot resist the urge to dance,
no matter where they are.
Well, me and John went to different locations
and put this theory to the test.
[quiet business chattering]
Okay, folks, here we are in a corporate board room.
You can see people behind us working in the bullpens.
And right now, a meeting is in progress.
We want to see what happens when you play electric guitar
in the most professional of settings.
-Ready, John? -[whispering] Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, cool, go, go.
♪
[audience laughing]
[music ends]
I knew it, I knew it.
Come on, let's get out of here.
[audience laughing]
Okay, we've seen how white people
respond to guitar music at work.
Now we're in a chic Manhattan restaurant.
It's lunchtime, the business crowd is here.
A lot of bush votes in the room.
Let's see how the conservative crowd acts
when they hear guitar music while they're eating.
John, play-- Play The Fight Riff , play i!
♪
These people-- look it here!
Oh, my God, look at this!
Oh!
Oh, my gosh.
I've never seen anything like this, folks.
[music stops]
Enjoy your lunch, everybody.
[classical music playing]
Alright.
Every experiment needs a control.
Now, right now, me and John
are in a barber shop in Harlem.
Everyone here is either Black or Latino.
Let's see how electric guitar works on them.
-Ready, John? -Yeah.
Okay, okay, go, go.
♪
Hey, yo!
Shut the fuck up!
Okay, okay.
That went pretty much how I expected.
Now, let's see how the blacks respond to drums.
[drum roll]
Questlove, go.
[playing drums]
Ahh... yeah!
Yeah!
Uh!
Play somethin', play somethin', play somethin'.
♪ Yo, yo ♪
♪ I'm down with Any sex or any race ♪
♪ If you were beatin' me ♪
♪ It's like Billy Crystal Playin' Scarface ♪
♪ And I can't See it, blind to the eyes ♪
♪ I came up in your face, Oops, pow, surprise ♪
Oh!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Whoo, that worked like gangbusters!
But I still happened to notice,
some of the Latin people were nodding their heads,
but they weren't really feeling it
As much as I thought they would.
But I think I got the remedy.
What would happen if I incorporated within that
an electric piano?
Sanchez, go!
[playing piano]
[drums playing Latin beat]
Alright, this is going great.
Now I'm gonna kick it up a notch, watch this.
[gibberish]
♪ Yi, yi, yi Yi, yi, yi ♪
♪ Yi, yi, yi Yi, yi, yi, yi ♪
Ay, caramba!
Ole!
[music ends]
Hey, guys, have a good day.
Sorry for interrupting.
So what did we learn, gang?
We learned that white people can dance
If you play what they like, electric guitar.
Of course, we, the blacks, can't resist drums.
And Latino's love congas and electric piano
with Spanish gibberish over it, I guess.
So next time someone says
that someone from another race can't dance--
Alright, alright.
We're gonna need to see a permit.
Excuse me?
You have to have a permit to shoot out here.
And we will fine you.
John, do something quick.
Eh...
♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪
♪ Just like every night ♪
♪ Has its dawn ♪
That's right, sing it!
♪ Just like every cowboy ♪
♪ Sings a sad, sad song ♪
Hey, my man, how you know that song?
I'm from the suburbs, man, I can't help it.
I can't help it!
♪ Though it's been a while now ♪
♪ I can still feel So much pain ♪
♪ Every rose has it's thorn ♪
♪ Just like every night ♪
♪ Has it's dawn ♪
♪ Just like every cowboy ♪
♪ Sings a sad, sad song ♪
♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪
[applauding]
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
Keep dancin', we'll be right back.
♪ We're going to Dave Chappelle's Show ♪
-How's this? -Go!
Hey, everybody, welcome back to Chappelle's Show.
Thanks for joining us.
You know, folks, I hate to hit this point so hard,
But remember, whenever we do these racial commentaries,
it's always about the subtleties.
We're all part of the same human family.
Our differences are just cultural, that's it.
For instance, when a white person is
maybe having trouble sleeping,
You might take some kind of, uh, warm milk--
I don't know what you drink.
[laughing]
For the black people,
we have a sleeping aid, too.
And it's just coming out on the market.
It's available for everyone's consumption.
And we're proud to be the first sponsor
of the newest sleep aid for Black America.
Here it is.
[groaning]
What is it, honey?
I got a big meeting tomorrow,
and I still can't sleep.
I took sleeping pills and everything.
Relax, honey.
I think I've got just the thing.
[Woman] From the makers of Valtran and Simelox
comes America's number one sleeping aid.
Ribs.
[audience laughing]
Hickory!
Oh, wow.
[audience laughing]
[Woman] Here's how it works.
Once ingested, ribs go to work on your stomach,
spreading barbecue sauce and greasy porkiness throughout,
creating an age-old condition called, the "ITIS."
You'll feel sluggish, drowsy
and should be asleep in a matter of minutes.
Got that ITIS.
[whispering] Thanks, ribs.
Oh... [farting]
Mud butt.
[cheers and applause]
What would be the inverse of that joke ?
If I did that joke for white people,
what would it be, like, turkey or something?
I don't know-- turkey, right?
What's the food that white people say,
"Boy, that sure makes me sleepy"?
-Huh? -Box of wine.
-What is it? -Box of wine.
Box of wine?
Wine comes in a box, America, damn!
He said that without hesitation, "Box of wine."
[audience laughing]
"Puts me right out."
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
Don't go nowhere, we got more comedy for you
on Chappelle's Show.
That's right.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
Better not bring your kids!
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back.
Welcome back to Chappelle's Show , everybod.
A lot-- one thing I've been hearing a lot recently is,
they say, you know, "Dave, you make fun of everybody
and everything, but how come you never make fun of yourself?"
'Cause it's not easy, I'm sensitive.
But since you guys have been so good to me tonight,
I feel like I owe you no less.
This next piece is about the real Dave Chappelle.
It's personal, it's actually very personal,
but here it is.
Hey, I'm Dave Chappelle, host of Chappelle's Show .
Many guys are familiar with my on-screen persona,
but the question keeps popping up,
Who is Dave Chappelle, really?
Well, guys, the answer isn't so simple.
You see, in the last 12 years,
I've been at least three different people.
Here's me at 18.
Sincere, earnest, relentlessly optimistic.
Then there was me at 24.
Budding movie star, reefer addict
and a man with a sexual appetite
that would make Michael Douglas seem gay.
Then, of course, is the man who stands in front of you now.
Proud father, loyal husband and prompt taxpayer.
All three of these men had different psyches
and handled things in very different ways.
And with your permission,
I'd like to explore these three men tonight
in a piece that I like to call,
"Three Dave's."
♪
Alright, first scenario.
Let's say I'm having problems in a relationship.
Why don't we take a look at how I used to handle that at 18?
[music playing]
Sharon, Sharon, look.
I want to work this out,
but you gotta talk to me.
You gotta open up.
Last week, when we were at that Das EFX concert,
I riggity realized...
I liggity love you.
Clickety clow!
Come on, girl, don't be like this.
You act like all I want to do
is zooma-zoom-zoom in your boom-boom.
Why you gotta be like this ?
Clickety clow!
What a biggity bitch!
I'm talking about myself, of course.
Alright.
Well, let's see how I handled relationship difficulties
at 24.
I love her but she don't trust me.
I can't be with someone who don't trust me.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
Do you want another song, honey?
Yes, I do.
-$10. -I know.
And the other day,
you know what she had the nerve to say to me?
That I smell like I been at a titty bar.
So the fuck what!
Well, let's see how I handle relationship problems today,
Now that I'm a father and a husband
and all that good stuff.
[sighing]
[whispering] Baby...
Baby, you up?
[audience laughing]
Oh, ooh.
Scenario two.
Let's say I'm pulled over by the police,
and I'm being treated less than fairly.
These kinds of things happen.
Why don't we see how 18-year-old Dave used to handle that?
Help!
Okay.
Now, let's take a look at 24-year-old Dave.
-I ain't do nothin'! -Get on the ground!
-Get on--on the ground! -Alright!
Hey-yeah!
What about you?
Why don't you get on the ground?
That's right-- give me my license back.
Now, spread your cheeks and lift your sac.
That's right, and you know what?
I am high... I'm high!
And now, let's take a look at 30-year-old Dave.
Hi, license, insurance and registration, please.
Sure.
Sorry about that, I was running late
for a shoot for my show...
Chappelle's Show, I'm Dave Chappelle?
Oh, yeah?
I'm rich, bitch.
You haven't seen it?
Don't get it.
Buckle up, baby!
Yah!
Over the last 12 years of my career,
I went through a lot of ups and downs.
A lot of people ask me, "Dave, how do you handle it
when you lose out on a movie part
that you really want?"
It's a good question.
I'll show you how I used to handle it at 18 right now.
Well, who got the part?
The Wayans Brothers?
There's, there's more?
And here's how I handled
the same type of situation at 24.
Chris Tucker... fuck!
This is the second time this happened.
Who got the other part?
Tell me man, just--
Jackie Chan?
That motherfucker can't even speak English.
Shit!
And now, here's how sensible Shoe Dave
handles it at 30.
Who?
Who's Nick Cannon?
Daddy, Nick Cannon is hilarious.
Man, fuck you, son.
You probably think he's so goddamned hilarious
Because he just walked off with your school clothes money.
It's funny, isn't it?
I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke!
Well, I guess that gives you guys a pretty good idea
of how I've changed over the years.
But before I go, I just want to give each of me
a chance to tell you their overall philosophy in life.
18-year-old Dave, you're on.
"When you lose...
don't lose the lesson."
His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
That was touching.
Alright, how about you, me at 24?
"Hey, hey, hey, hey...
smoke weed every day."
Nate Dogg.
Dave at 30, what you got for me?
Fuck Nick Cannon.
Dave Chappelle.
He's hilarious.
You know, you're acting like a little bitch, alright ?
Stop saying that, you trying to make your father feel bad?
I gotta pay all the bills around here.
You're gonna go tell your mother?
You tell your mother I'm cussin' in the house!
That's right, shit!
[cheers and applause]
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
But Dave at 30 will be right back after these messages.
♪ Chappelle's Show ow ♪
[applause]
Welcome back.
Welcome back, everybody.
It is time for another
Chappelle's Show musical performance.
As you can see tonight, we were lucky enough to have
John Mayer and Questlove from the roots appear in our sketch.
And while we were shootin' the sketch,
we actually shot a musical performance just for fun.
This next one, folks, is just for you.
Please welcome yours truly and The Dave Chappelle trio.
You know, folks, right now, the world is in trouble.
And I know it seems like the sketches we do are racey,
but this is all just comedy.
Really, it's all about love.
So this song right now is not only going out to you at home
and everyone across America, but everyone across the world.
And it goes a little something like this,
♪ Now the world don't move ♪
♪ To the beat of just One drum ♪
♪ What might Be right for you ♪
♪ May not be right For some ♪
♪ A man is born ♪
♪ He's a man of means ♪
♪ Then along come two ♪
♪ They got nothin' but The dream ♪
♪ But it takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes To rule the world ♪
♪ Everybody's got their Special kind of story ♪
♪ Everybody's got a way To shine ♪
♪ It don't matter what You got not a lot so what ♪
♪ They'll have theirs And you'll have yours ♪
♪ And I'll have mine ♪
♪ And together we'll Be fine ♪
♪ 'Cause it Takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different strokes ♪
♪ It takes different Strokes to rule the world ♪
♪ Different strokes To rule the-- ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ That was the gooch ♪
[laughing] Alright.
Alright, alright.
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be livin' Up to your dream ♪
♪ And suddenly You're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life Are all about you ♪
♪ Doo... ♪
[man] Turn around!
♪ Uh, it takes a lot to get Them right ♪
♪ When you're learning The facts of ♪
♪ Learning the facts of ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ They're all about you ♪
That's right.
Turns out that life is all about you.
Thanks for watching the show this week.
I'd like to thank my guests John Mayer,
Questlove.
John on keyboards.
I'm Dave Chappelle.
I'll see you guys next week.
I'll see you next week, everybody, God bless.
I'm out.
[cheers and applause]
[Dave] I'm rich, bitch!
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you.
♪ Fish don't fry In the kitchen ♪
♪ Beans don't burn On the grill ♪
♪ Took a whole lotta tryin' ♪
♪ Just to get up that hill ♪
♪ Now we're up In the big leagues ♪
♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪
♪ As long as we live, It's you and me baby ♪
♪ There ain't Nothin' wrong with that ♪
♪ Well we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ To the east side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ To a deluxe apartment In the sky ♪
♪