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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Oww ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[waiter] What'll it be, guys?
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I'll have a scotch on the rocks.
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I'll have a Samuel Adams.
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I'll have a Samuel Jackson.
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You know something?
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I'll have a Samuel Jackson, too.
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Me three.
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[all laughing]
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[waiter] Three Samuel Jacksons
coming right up.
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Good motherfuckin' choice,
motherfucker.
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Samuel Jackson,
made painstakingly by me,
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Samuel L. Jackson.
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It'll get you drunk!
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You'll be fuckin' fat girls
in no time!
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You might even fight
a nigga or two!
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Mmm-mmm, bitch!
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How's it taste, motherfucka'?
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Huh?
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Can you stop yelling at me,
please?
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No, I can't stop yelling,
'cause that's how I talk!
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You ain't never seen my movies?
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Juice , that was a good one!
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Deep Blue Sea!
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They ate me, a fucking shark
ate me!
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Drink, bitch!
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Jurassic Park!
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Samuel Jackson, it's my beer!
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"Yes, they deserved to die
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and I hope they burn in hell!"
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[man] Dave Chappelle... !
[Cheers & applause]
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Oh, that's right!
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That's right!
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That's right!
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Hey!
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That's right.
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What's up, y'all?
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Welcome back-- ohh.
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Come on, now, calm down.
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We don't have that much time.
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Thank you.
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
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you are seeing correctly,
I am smoking on television.
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I am smoking indoors,
you know why?
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Because I didn't vote
for Bloomberg.
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Those of you across the nation
who don't know who Bloomberg is,
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he is the mayor
of this great city of New York.
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I'm fighting!
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Somebody's got to do it.
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You know, this Bloomberg guy
has messed everything up!
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Cigarettes are $8 a pack!
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That's crack prices!
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People gonna be sucking dicks
for cigarettes soon!
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It's ridiculous.
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And then once you buy a pack,
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you can't even smoke inside.
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I can't stand it anymore.
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I can't stand it, I'm fighting!
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[woman] Whoo!!
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That's right!
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It's in my blood.
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I have no choice but to fight,
I'm a genetic dissenter.
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That's right,
it's in my genes to dissent.
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I'll show you a tape
of my history.
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Damn, Bloomberg is fucking up.
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Man, Carter is fucking up.
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Damn, Truman is fucking up.
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Man, Lincoln is fucking up.
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Son, white folks in general
is fucking up.
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Shhh, they coming.
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Man, the chief's fucking up.
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Hey, y'all, look.
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It's a boat with some
white people on it.
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Y'all wait here,
I'm gonna see what they want.
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Man...
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I fucked up.
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Now, a lot of people say,
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"Dave, if everybody else
is messing up so bad,
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what you think,
you can do better?"
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Yes, I do.
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That's why I'm gonna
run for mayor or something.
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That's right.
[applause & cheering]
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Maybe governor
or something else,
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you never know.
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I made a campaign ad, too,
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and I'll show it to you
right now.
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This is my first campaign ad,
it'll be on the air soon.
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Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,
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we still face
many modern problems.
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And modern problems require
modern solutions.
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Health care is in shambles.
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Medicaid doesn't work,
and the insurance industry
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has made medicine
virtually unaffordable.
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Meanwhile,
our neighbors in Canada
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have free health care
for all their citizens.
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So what am I suggesting?
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Fake Canadian I.D. cards
for all Americans.
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If you get sick,
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run on up to Canada and
get yourself checked out.
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I'm Dave Chappelle,
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and I want to represent you.
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We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
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Don't go anywhere.
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Oww! ♪
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Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,
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we still face
many modern problems.
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And modern problems require
modern solutions.
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Teen pregnancy is a
huge problem in this country.
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Now, what we need
are more programs in place
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that promote abstinence.
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My solution?
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Have every high school principal
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have sex with the oldest
teacher in the school
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in front of the students.
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And make sure you
rub them both with mayonnaise
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to accentuate the sound
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of their old flesh flapping
together.
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This powerful image
is sure to be a deterrent
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that the children
will never forget.
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Goddamn, that's gross.
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I'm Dave Chappelle,
and I want to represent you.
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You know, folks,
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since I've been doing this show
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a lot of rappers have been
asking me to be in their videos.
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Which is nice,
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but they always want me
to do dumb stuff.
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Like, I'll be like,
"what I gotta do, snoop?"
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"Okay, here it is, Dave,
it's a club scene
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and like, you was dancing
and you slip on a banana peel
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and your face lands in
some doo doo-- splat.
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Now, you rolling around,
got dookie all over you.
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And then
here I come with my gators on.
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My now and later gators
step over ya.
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And all you see is me
walking off in slow motion."
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It's like-hold up, nigga,
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why can't I be the one
in slow motion?
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I'm tired of being the one
in the doo-doo.
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Everything looks better
in slow motion.
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This is the truth.
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For instance,
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here's a tape of me doing
my laundry.
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Hey, how you doing,
Mrs. Kim?
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Nothing funny about that.
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[Laughter]
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But why don't we see me
do my laundry...
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In slow motion.
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[ Sadeness playing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[audience laughing]
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[cheers & applause]
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Crazy.
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All right...
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I like it in videos,
whenever you see a club scene
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club scene is always
in slow motion.
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You know why?
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'Cause it's gotta be.
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'Cause it sucks to be
in a club in regular life.
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Check it out, this is
what it looks like
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to be at a club normally.
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Hey, come on, man!
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Excuse me, excuse me.
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The robot?
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You make me sick.
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[All gasping]
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Sorry about-- Oh!
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He's so corny!
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Terrible, terrible
what they did to me.
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Why don't we take a look at that
in slow motion, though.
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[techno music]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[Slow motion]
I wanna suck your...
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[audience laughing]
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[All gasping]
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[heart beating in slow motion]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[Slow motion]
Me so horny...
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[man in audience]
Yeah!
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[Cheers & applause]
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Much better.
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That was much better.
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Of course, we gotta remember
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this concept
is not across the board.
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It doesn't work with everything,
just most things.
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Some things look worse
in slow motion.
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Like, for instance, here's
a tape of me taking a shit.
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It happens.
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[Farts]
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[Dave] Oh, ho ho...
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Pretty disgusting.
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Let's see that same shit
in slow motion.
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[Loud gurgle]
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[Explosion]
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[cheers & applause]
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People be mad about it,
like, R. Kelly,
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I seen R. Kelly in a Chicago.
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He was mad at me.
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"There ain't no punch line
to that,
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that thing is mad.
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How you gonna make a video
about peeing on somebody?"
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Nigga, how you gonna make a
video about peeing on somebody?
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And on that note,
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take a quick commercial break
and we'll be right back
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for some more Chappelle's Show.
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Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
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America's #1 source
for offensive comedy.
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You know what's cool about
being an American?
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We're all mixed up.
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I'm talking about genetically.
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We've all got a little
something in us, right?
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And in some people,
it's more than others.
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And that's when we
get to arguing.
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For instance, my wife is Asian.
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I'm Black, and we argue...
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About which half of Tiger Woods
is hitting the ball so good.
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Derek Jeter is another guy
like that.
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00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,835
Halle Berry is somebody else.
231
00:13:06,918 --> 00:13:10,043
We've gotta stop arguing
about who was what.
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00:13:10,126 --> 00:13:12,376
We need to just
settle this once and for all,
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00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:13,710
we need to have a draft.
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That's right, I said it.
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Good evening,
and welcome to the first
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00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:23,251
and maybe only racial draft
here in New York City.
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Folks, this is for
all the marbles.
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What happens here will
state the racial standing
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00:13:27,126 --> 00:13:29,293
of these Americans
once and for all.
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That's right.
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00:13:30,585 --> 00:13:33,376
And the crowd is here
to support their races.
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Well, Rob, some of
the biggest names in sports
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and in entertainment
are on the line tonight.
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And I'm excited to see who's
gonna be drafted by which race.
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Seated behind me
on the stage there,
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are the various representatives.
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And, believe it or not
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the Blacks have actually
won the first pick.
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Wow, that's the first lottery
250
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a Black person's won
in a long time, Billy.
251
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Yes, and they'll
probably still complain.
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[chuckling together]
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Man, fuck you.
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Well, the Black representative
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00:13:57,210 --> 00:13:58,168
is heading for
the microphone now,
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why don't we take a listen.
257
00:14:00,626 --> 00:14:02,043
We of the Black delegation...
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00:14:05,126 --> 00:14:06,501
Choose Tiger Woods.
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00:14:06,585 --> 00:14:09,876
[Cheering]
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00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,543
[Rob]
No surprises there, fellas.
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The richest and most
dominant athlete in the world.
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His father Black,
his mother Thai.
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00:14:17,626 --> 00:14:18,960
Well, that doesn't matter
anymore
264
00:14:19,043 --> 00:14:21,626
because now
he is officially Black.
265
00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:24,376
Dave, the Asians
have got to be upset.
266
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:26,251
[Dave] There's no question
about that, Rob.
267
00:14:26,085 --> 00:14:27,251
But you gotta think about it.
268
00:14:27,335 --> 00:14:29,251
He's been discriminated
against in his time,
269
00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:32,210
he's had death threats,
and he dates a white woman.
270
00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:34,251
Sounds like a Black guy to me.
271
00:14:34,085 --> 00:14:36,085
Tiger's taking the stage now,
272
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:38,585
and if you ask me,
he's looking Blacker already.
273
00:14:38,668 --> 00:14:40,793
Ah, I'd like to say,
274
00:14:40,876 --> 00:14:44,168
a tremendous opportunity for me.
275
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:47,418
To finally be part of
a race and have a home.
276
00:14:48,876 --> 00:14:52,418
I've been so confused
if I'm half Asian,
277
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:53,793
so many things.
278
00:14:57,210 --> 00:14:59,710
So long, fried rice,
hello fried chicken.
279
00:14:59,793 --> 00:15:01,210
I love you guys!
280
00:15:01,085 --> 00:15:04,168
[Cheers & applause]
281
00:15:09,168 --> 00:15:11,668
Ah, I always wanted
to say this...
282
00:15:12,918 --> 00:15:13,710
For shizzle.
283
00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:16,751
Ha ha.
284
00:15:20,168 --> 00:15:21,626
Well, it seems as though
285
00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:23,251
Tiger Woods is happy to be Black
286
00:15:23,335 --> 00:15:25,126
and that's a good thing
287
00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:26,460
because I just received word
288
00:15:26,543 --> 00:15:28,210
that he lost all his
endorsements.
289
00:15:28,293 --> 00:15:29,668
Ooh, that's a tough one.
290
00:15:29,751 --> 00:15:34,043
Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties
the whole shebang-a-bang.
291
00:15:34,126 --> 00:15:36,293
Tough break, nigga,
there's always FUBU.
292
00:15:37,918 --> 00:15:41,043
All right, coming up now
are the Jews.
293
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:43,043
Many have speculated
about their pick.
294
00:15:43,126 --> 00:15:44,751
But I'm guessing
they're gonna pick Madonna
295
00:15:44,835 --> 00:15:47,210
and finish off the job
Kabbalah started.
296
00:15:47,293 --> 00:15:49,876
Yes, well, Rob, she was
born and raised Catholic
297
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,168
then she became a whore,
298
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,960
but over the last decade
she has studied the Kabbalah.
299
00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:57,001
And she even wrote
a Kabbalah children's book.
300
00:15:57,085 --> 00:15:58,168
[Dave] Oh, here come the Jews.
301
00:15:58,251 --> 00:16:00,126
Why don't we take a look
downstairs.
302
00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:06,376
Today, we,
the Jewish people take...
303
00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:07,710
Lenny Kravitz.
304
00:16:10,126 --> 00:16:11,460
Wow, in a surprise move
305
00:16:11,543 --> 00:16:13,460
the Jews pick Lenny Kravitz,
folks.
306
00:16:13,543 --> 00:16:16,501
He's actually half-Black
and half-Jewish.
307
00:16:16,585 --> 00:16:18,168
His mother was on
"the Jeffersons",
308
00:16:18,251 --> 00:16:20,710
a pivotal show in Black culture.
309
00:16:20,793 --> 00:16:24,043
And his father, a Jew,
was her lawyer.
310
00:16:24,126 --> 00:16:25,793
Heh, couldn't make that up.
311
00:16:25,876 --> 00:16:29,001
Well, Lenny is all Jewish now.
312
00:16:29,085 --> 00:16:31,543
Unfortunately, Lenny can't
make it here to accept.
313
00:16:31,626 --> 00:16:33,376
He's in Miami beach.
314
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,918
Miami beach?
315
00:16:35,001 --> 00:16:37,126
Well, he must have gotten that
news about being Jewish early.
316
00:16:37,210 --> 00:16:38,793
Ha ha ha...
317
00:16:38,876 --> 00:16:40,460
[Dave] All right, the Latins
are up now.
318
00:16:40,543 --> 00:16:43,251
Why don't we all take
an Escucha to their pick.
319
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,418
We, the Latinos, choose...
320
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,085
Elian Gonzalez.
321
00:16:52,585 --> 00:16:54,043
I don't understand that one.
322
00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:57,085
We wanted to do this
before the white people
323
00:16:57,168 --> 00:16:59,376
try to adopt him
as one of their own...
324
00:16:59,460 --> 00:17:00,376
Again.
325
00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:03,251
[Loud cheering]
326
00:17:03,335 --> 00:17:04,751
Okay...
327
00:17:04,835 --> 00:17:06,210
Guess who's turn it is?
328
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,210
White people.
329
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:09,251
Let's see what direction
they go in.
330
00:17:09,335 --> 00:17:10,876
Halle Berry is still available,
331
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,126
as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.
332
00:17:13,210 --> 00:17:15,335
[Coughing]
Cracker...
333
00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:17,376
That's very mature, Rondell.
334
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:21,668
Thank you all, good afternoon.
[Booing]
335
00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:22,543
Excuse me.
336
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:24,460
[Clears throat]
Pardon me.
337
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,168
Hey, will you cut the malarkey?
Okay, I'm talking.
338
00:17:27,251 --> 00:17:29,085
There's a white man
talking up here!
339
00:17:29,168 --> 00:17:31,501
Silencio !
[Booing continues]
340
00:17:31,585 --> 00:17:32,710
Ungowa!
341
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,335
Thank you-- Damn it.
342
00:17:36,210 --> 00:17:37,418
We, the white delegation,
343
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:41,293
are very proud to announce
our pick this year,
344
00:17:41,376 --> 00:17:42,418
Colin Powell!
345
00:17:43,085 --> 00:17:44,501
What?
346
00:17:44,585 --> 00:17:46,501
Colin Powell is not white.
347
00:17:46,585 --> 00:17:49,460
He's not even an Eighth White.
348
00:17:49,543 --> 00:17:50,918
He's 100% Black.
349
00:17:51,501 --> 00:17:52,418
Last I heard.
350
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:53,668
Wow, I gotta wonder
how the Blacks
351
00:17:53,751 --> 00:17:55,085
are gonna be taking this one.
352
00:17:57,585 --> 00:17:59,751
We, the Black delegation,
353
00:17:59,835 --> 00:18:04,335
accept the white delegation's
offer to draft Colin Powell,
354
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,710
on the condition that they
also accept Condoleezza Rice
355
00:18:07,793 --> 00:18:09,335
as a part of the deal.
356
00:18:14,585 --> 00:18:18,751
By the power invested in me,
by white people everywhere
357
00:18:18,835 --> 00:18:21,168
We accept. You got yourself
a goddamn deal.
358
00:18:21,251 --> 00:18:23,710
[Cheering]
359
00:18:26,501 --> 00:18:28,626
The Black delegation requests
Eminem.
360
00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:31,251
Wait a goddamn minute, Rondell,
that's not part of the bargain.
361
00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:32,043
I'm hustling, baby.
362
00:18:32,126 --> 00:18:34,626
All right, well, no hustling me.
363
00:18:34,710 --> 00:18:35,918
You're talking
to the ultimate hustler.
364
00:18:36,001 --> 00:18:37,418
I tell you what.
365
00:18:37,501 --> 00:18:40,043
Let's make all things fair,
we keep Eminem...
366
00:18:41,043 --> 00:18:42,043
You get O. J. Simpson.
367
00:18:42,126 --> 00:18:43,126
Yeah!
368
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:47,168
[Dave] Incredible!
369
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,085
A first round absolutely
chock full of surprises.
370
00:18:50,168 --> 00:18:52,751
Unbelievable, Colin Powell
and Condoleezza Rice
371
00:18:52,835 --> 00:18:54,251
now officially white.
372
00:18:54,335 --> 00:18:56,335
O. J. Black again.
373
00:18:56,418 --> 00:18:58,210
What a day.
374
00:18:58,293 --> 00:19:00,251
You know,
if white people knew
375
00:19:00,085 --> 00:19:02,501
they were gonna get away
with picking a Black person,
376
00:19:02,585 --> 00:19:04,501
I bet they would have picked
Oprah.
377
00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:06,126
Oh, well, absolutely, Rob.
378
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:07,793
Thick thighs, no felonies,
379
00:19:07,876 --> 00:19:09,335
she definitely would have
been a great pickup.
380
00:19:09,418 --> 00:19:12,335
Okay, the Chinese delegation
is up next.
381
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:13,626
Although they're the last,
382
00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:16,335
they've been waiting with
zen-like patience.
383
00:19:16,418 --> 00:19:18,210
My guess is Yao Ming.
384
00:19:18,293 --> 00:19:20,043
He's been spending
a lot of time with Blacks
385
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:22,210
learning slang and shit-talking.
386
00:19:22,043 --> 00:19:23,960
If they're not careful,
they might lose him.
387
00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:28,085
The Asian delegation chooses...
388
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,835
The RZA, the GZA, U-God
389
00:19:31,918 --> 00:19:34,251
Inspectah Deck,
Ghostface Killah,
390
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:37,126
the Wu-Tang Clan!
391
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,376
[announcer] Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
392
00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:42,210
But I have just heard it
with my own two ears.
393
00:19:42,293 --> 00:19:45,376
This is, by far,
the biggest upset of the night.
394
00:19:45,460 --> 00:19:48,043
The Chinese delegation
pulling a fast one
395
00:19:48,126 --> 00:19:51,168
and choosing the entire
Wu-Tang Clan.
396
00:19:51,251 --> 00:19:52,626
Brooklyn!
397
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,126
This is big boss, Yorkers.
398
00:19:55,210 --> 00:19:57,710
We always been
a fan of the kung fu
399
00:19:57,793 --> 00:19:59,126
and the Chinese culture,
and shit.
400
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:00,668
So, yo, it's like bong-bong,
you know.
401
00:20:00,751 --> 00:20:02,210
Yeah, I wanna remind everybody
402
00:20:02,293 --> 00:20:04,335
to, um, diversify your bonds.
403
00:20:04,418 --> 00:20:06,418
RZA got an announcement to make.
404
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:10,501
Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty
has now changed his name
405
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:12,168
from "Dirt McGirt",
406
00:20:12,251 --> 00:20:14,626
to "The Old Dirty Chinese
restaurant".
407
00:20:14,710 --> 00:20:19,668
[Chanting]
Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang..
408
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:24,085
Konichiwa, bitches.
409
00:20:24,168 --> 00:20:27,168
Folks, thanks for joining us
on this incredible night.
410
00:20:27,251 --> 00:20:28,460
Our coverage ends here,
411
00:20:28,543 --> 00:20:31,126
but be sure to catch
the rest on our website.
412
00:20:31,210 --> 00:20:33,668
Congratulations
to all the races.
413
00:20:33,751 --> 00:20:35,543
And Konichiwa bitches.
414
00:20:39,543 --> 00:20:41,751
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
415
00:20:41,835 --> 00:20:43,043
But don't go nowhere,
416
00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:45,168
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle Show.
417
00:20:45,251 --> 00:20:46,043
Okay!
418
00:20:48,626 --> 00:20:50,126
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
419
00:20:50,210 --> 00:20:51,668
for being here tonight,
420
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,918
and I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.
421
00:20:54,001 --> 00:20:55,460
And hopefully I'll see you
next week.
422
00:20:55,543 --> 00:20:57,001
I'm out.
423
00:20:57,085 --> 00:20:59,210
[Cheers & applause]
424
00:20:59,293 --> 00:21:01,126
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
425
00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:02,251
[Horn honks]
426
00:21:02,085 --> 00:21:03,126
Hi, thank you.
427
00:21:04,168 --> 00:21:06,168
How's it taste, motherfucker?
428
00:21:06,251 --> 00:21:07,251
Huh?
429
00:21:07,085 --> 00:21:08,543
Will you stop yelling at me?
430
00:21:08,626 --> 00:21:10,710
No I can't stop yelling at you!
431
00:21:10,793 --> 00:21:12,793
This is my acting style!
432
00:21:12,876 --> 00:21:15,210
You haven't seen my movies?
433
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,751
Jackie Brown !
434
00:21:16,835 --> 00:21:18,460
Star Wars !
435
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:21,376
The one where I say,
"yes, they deserve to die
436
00:21:21,460 --> 00:21:23,793
and I hope they burn in hell!"
437
00:21:24,876 --> 00:21:26,543
I was in that, too!
438
00:21:26,626 --> 00:21:30,085
I was in Juice ,
with Tupac Shakur!
439
00:21:31,418 --> 00:21:33,251
Juice , nigga!