♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
>> Bill: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, WOW.
THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE THAT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE,
THANK YOU, OKAY.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR PUTTING
UP WITH EVERYTHING.
MASKS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I APPRECIATE IT, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
I HOPE THIS WILL BE OUR LAST
SHOW WITH MASKS.
I THINK WE HAVE A HIATUS NEXT
WEEK BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I
THINK.
IT'S GREAT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE IN A GOOD
MOOD BECAUSE A LOT OF HEAVY NEWS
GOING ON IN THE NEWS.
A LOT OF SHIT WE'VE GOT TO TALK
ABOUT TONIGHT.
THERE IS WAR IN EUROPE AND YOU
KNOW, WE DIDN'T THINK THIS WOULD
HAPPEN.
WE THOUGHT IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN
BUT PUTIN, GODDAMN DAMN IT, HE
DID IT, HE INVADED UKRAINE.
THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE WITH
PUTIN AND A SCHOOL KID.
WITH PUTIN, EVENTUALLY THE MASK
COMES OFF.
[APPLAUSE]
WE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THE
RUSSIANS THIS WEEK.
DO NOT MAKE THEIR FIGURE SKATERS
CRY.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO FEEL FOR THESE
POOR PEOPLE IN UKRAINE.
I MEAN, THEY ARE NOW BEING
FORCED IN A WORLD THEY DO NOT
WANT ANY PART OF.
KIND OF THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT THE
METAVERSE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: PUTIN, HE AIN'T
PLAYING, THIS MO MOTHERFUCKER.
HE SAID HE HAD TO DO IT BECAUSE
HE THOUGHT UKRAINE WAS GOING TO
ACQUIRE WMDs.
PATHETIC.
WHAT KIND OF SUPERPOWER MAKES UP
SHIT LIKE THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: NO, HE IS SERIOUS.
PUTIN SAID THE OTHER DAY WHEN HE
INVADED, IF WE BUTT AND WE WILL
SEE CONSEQUENCES LIKE WE'VE
NEVER SEEN IN HISTORY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT
THE JOKE IS ON HIM BECAUSE WE
DON'T KNOW ANY HISTORY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: IF YOU DON'T, THAT'S
WHAT I'M HERE FOR!
AND THE REASON WHY RUSSIA IS SO
PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS AND THINK
THEY ARE JUSTIFIED TO INVADE IS
BECAUSE UKRAINE USED TO BE A
PART OF THE SOVIET UNION, WHICH
FELL 30 YEARS AGO, AND NOW
UKRAINE WANTS TO JOIN NATO AND
THIS MAKES RUSSIA CRAZY.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ONLY KNOW
ME FROM THE CLIPS THEY SHOW ON
TMZ, AND THANK YOU FOR THAT.
IT'S LIKE RUSSIA IS KANYE.
[LAUGHTER]
THE UKRAINE IS KIM KARDASHIAN,
AND NATO IS PETE DAVIDSON.
[LAUGHTER]
IT JUST DRIVES RUSSIA CRAZY.
TODAY THEY DEMANDED BILLIE
EILISH APOLOGIZE TO TRAVIS
SCOTT.
I DON'T KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: BUT IT'S INTERESTING
THE WAY THIS WAR IS NOW DIVIDING
THE PARTIES, EVEN AMONG
THEMSELVES BEER THE REPUBLICANS,
ONE IN FOUR REPUBLICANS
, NOT PUTIN, BIDEN.
THEY BLAME BIDEN.
BIDEN ALSO MADE THEM IMPOTENT.
[LAUGHTER]
HE MAKES MEXICAN MUSIC PLAY ON
THE RADIO TOO MUCH, AND ONCE A
DAY HE DRESSES AS A SMALL DOG
AND SHITS ON THEIR LAWN.
A VERY BAD GUY, THAT JOE BIDEN.
[APPLAUSE]
LISTEN TO THIS, THE THINGS THAT
TUCKER CARLSON AND TRUMP HAVE
BEEN SAYING, THE KREMLIN PUT
RUSSIAN SUBTITLES ON THESE
AMERICANS, TRUMP AND TUCKER
CARLSON, AND RAN THEM RIGHT ON
STATE TELEVISION AS IT IS.
I MEAN, THAT IS PRETTY CRAZY.
THIS IS THE SAME WEEK TRUMP
LAUNCHED, I LOVE THIS, HIS OWN
MEDIA APP CALLED TRUTH SOCIAL BE
IT SOCIAL BECAUSE IT IS
SOCIAL MEDIA.
THE TRUTH BECAUSE FUCK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: TRUTH SOCIAL, I LOVE
THE SPIRIT OF THIS IS HIS
TWITTER.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO
DESCRIBE IT.
DO YOU EVER SEE A HOMELESS NUT
TALKING TO HIMSELF ON THE
SIDEWALK?
IMAGINE IF THAT GUY COULD SHARE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY A DATING
SITE BUT IT IS A GREAT PLACE TO
COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE WHO DO
IT IN ALL CAPS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT LET'S END ON A POSITIVE
NOTE.
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A NEW
SUPREME COURT NOMINEE AND
HOPEFULLY JUSTICE
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON, HAS BEEN
NOMINATED BY PRESIDENT BIDEN.
[APPLAUSE]
FIRST BLACK WOMAN IN THE 231
YEAR HISTORY OF THE
SUPREME COURT.
[APPLAUSE]
OR AS REPUBLICANS CALL IT, TOO
SOON.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YES, REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY
RAISING RED FLAGS ABOUT THIS
NOMINATION.
NOT BECAUSE SHE IS BLACK,
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT WHITE.
IT'S A SUBTLE DIFFERENCE --
[LAUGHTER]
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, POLITICS IN
AMERICA, IT WILL SURPRISE YOU.
YOU KNOW WHO'S NOMINATION SHE
GOT, ENDORSEMENT SHE GOT?
THE FRATERNAL ORDER OF THE
POLICE.
THE POLICEMAN'S UNION, THE
PEOPLE WHO ENDORSED TRUMP.
LIBERALS WENT FROM FUCK THE
POLICE TO FUCK, THE POLICE?
[LAUGHTER]
THE CONFIRMATION FIGHT IS GOING
TO BE ROUGH, AS THEY ALWAYS ARE
BUT ONE GOOD SIGN ARE
CLARENCE THOMAS IS ALREADY
TEXTING HER ABOUT PORN.
ANYWAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT ISSUE,
WE HAVE BRET STEPHENS AND
CHLOE VALDARY.
FIRST UP, THE DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSMAN FROM ARIZONA AND
AUTHOR OF "THEY CALLED US LUCKY:
THE LIFE AND AFTERLIFE OF THE
IRAQ WAR'S HARDEST HIT UNIT,"
REPRESENTATIVE RUBEN GALLEGO.
[APPLAUSE]
SIR, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO SHAKE HANDS
AGAIN.
YOU ARE A PERFECT GUY TO HAVE
TODAY BECAUSE WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT WAR.
FIRST OFF, YOU'VE BEEN TO WAR.
YOU WERE IN IRAQ.
>> DIDN'T CHOOSE, I GOT ORDERED.
>> Bill: YOU ARE ALREADY IN
THE MARINES, BUT YOU WERE AT
HARVARD, USUALLY YOU CAN FIND A
WAY OUT BUT YOU HAD TO GO.
>> I WAS A POOR HARVARD STUDENT.
YOU DON'T USUALLY FIND WAYS OUT,
YOU GET TOLD AND YOU TO GO.
>> Bill: HOW ARE YOU ON THE
ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE SO
UKRAINE IS PART OF YOUR
PROVINCE.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO SEND TROOPS.
SANCTIONS IS OUR BIGGEST WEAPON.
BUT SANCTIONS, THEY SEEM TO
ALWAYS HURT THE PEOPLE MORE THAN
THEY HURT THE PEOPLE WE ARE
TRYING TO HURT, WHICH IS THE
LEADERSHIP.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THAT?
>> I THINK WE HAVE TO HAVE A
CERTAIN AMOUNT OF SANCTIONS AND
IT SUCKS THAT CIVILIANS ARE
GOING TO FEEL SOME OF THE SPIRIT
AT THE SAME TIME WE NEED TO HAVE
SOME TYPE OF PRESSURE UPON
THE PUTIN IN THE OLIGARCHS IN
THAT
REGIME.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THIS IS
THE ONLY WAY WE CAN ATTACK THIS.
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO DO THIS.
WE SHOULD ACTUALLY BE GIVING
UKRAINIAN INTELLIGENCE.
THIS IS WHERE THE RUSSIANS ARE,
THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD HIT
THEM, CONTINUE TO GIVE THEM
SUPPLIES, WEAPONS AND CONTINUE
GIVING THEM AS MUCH AS THEY CAN
EVEN IF THEY HAVE TO GET DOWN TO
A RESISTANCE FORCE.
>> Bill: BUT THAT ARMY IS NOT
GOING TO DEFEAT THE RUSSIAN
ARMY.
>> YOU DON'T NEED TO DEFEAT
THEM, YOU JUST NEED TO REALLY
MAKE THEM HURT.
>> Bill: CAN THEY EVEN DO
THAT?
WHEN I SEE PICTURES OF THEM,
THEIR GUNS ARE MADE OF WOOD BEER
THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE PRACTICING
WITH.
I AM NOT MOCKING THEM, I FEEL
BAD FOR THEM.
WE CAN DO WHAT WE CAN BUT I
DON'T KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT FIGHTING THE
RUSSIAN ARMY IS GOING TO DO
EXCEPT KILL PEOPLE, AND THEN THE
RUSSIANS ARE GOING TO DO WHAT
THEY ARE GOING TO DO ANYWAY.
>> I WAS THERE IN DECEMBER,
SPECIAL FORCES.
I MET WITH CITIZENS.
THESE PEOPLE WANT TO FIGHT, THEY
WANT TO LIVE.
THEY WILL FIGHT FOR
INDEPENDENCE.
YOU HEARD THIS AMAZING STORY
ABOUT 13 MEN AND WOMEN THAT
DECIDED TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH
INSTEAD OF SURRENDERING.
A CORE OF POLICE WHO DECIDED TO
BLOW THEMSELVES UP ON A BRIDGE
TO STOP THE RUSSIANS FROM
INVADING.
THESE ARE THE TYPE OF PEOPLE WHO
WANT TO LIVE AND THEY WILL DO
WHAT THEY CAN.
WE NEED TO CONTINUE TO SUPPORT
THEM.
WE GIVE THEM WEAPONS, SUPPORT,
INTELLIGENCE, THEY CAN DO THIS.
>> Bill: WHAT DOES THAT EVER
WORK?
IT DIDN'T WORK IN VIETNAM WHEN
WE ABANDON THE KURDS, AND LOOK
AT WHAT HAPPENED IN AFGHANISTAN.
OUR DOCTRINE SHOULD BE ANIMAL
HOUSE DOCTRINE.
YOU FUCKED UP, YOU TRUSTED US.
>> AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT
DO WE WANT TO BE HERE?
ARE WE REALLY GOING TO ALLOW
ANOTHER DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY WHO
HAS CHOSEN TO BE A DEMOCRACY BE
RUN OVER BY THESE THUGS?
THIS IS NOT SOME NORMAL COUNTRY.
PUTIN HAS LITERALLY POISONED
PEOPLE --
>> Bill: I UNDERSTAND, NO ONE
THINKS HE IS A GOOD GUY.
ACTUALLY, SOME PEOPLE ON
FOX NEWS.
>> SOME OF MY COLLEAGUES DO,
YEAH.
>> Bill: IT'S AMAZING.
>> LOOK, I GET WHAT YOU ARE
SAYING, WE HAVE HAD OUR BAD
MOMENTS.
WE HAVE NOT BEEN A PERFECT
COUNTRY.
BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE US FROM
DOING WHAT'S RIGHT RIGHT NOW,
AND THAT IS BACKING A COUNTRY
THAT WANTS TO DEFEND ITSELF.
>> Bill: I COULDN'T AGREE
MORE.
[APPLAUSE]
I'M JUST TRYING TO BE REAL ABOUT
WHAT IS THE END GAME, WHAT CAN
REALLY BE ACCOMPLISHED?
IF WE ARE NOT GOING TO SEND THE
TROOPS, AND EVEN WHEN WE DID
SEND TROOPS, WE DIDN'T SEEM TO
DO THAT WELL IN PLACES LIKE
AFGHANISTAN AND VIETNAM.
>> I THOUGHT IN SERVICE --
>> Bill: I UNDERSTAND, BELIEVE
ME, I HAVE THE GREATEST RESPECT
FOR THAT.
>> BUT THIS IS WHAT WE NEED THEM
TO DO, WE NEED THEM TO FIGHT
THEIR INSURGENCY.
WE SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID TO BACK
FREEDOM FIGHTERS, BECAUSE THEY
WANT TO FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, FIGHT
FOR THEIR FAMILY.
THIS IS THE ONE AREA WHERE WE
CAN ACTUALLY SAY THERE IS RIGHT
AND THERE WAS WRONG.
THAT COUNTRY, VLADIMIR PUTIN IS
A BAD MAN, AN EVIL MAN.
>> Bill: SO IS SADDAM HUSSEIN,
THERE ARE A LOT OF BAD MEN,
KIM JONG UN.
BAD MEN IN THE WORLD.
>> AND SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND THAT YES, WE MESSED
UP.
IT DOES NOT EXCUSE US FROM DOING
THE RIGHT THING RIGHT NOW.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: WHAT DO YOU THINK,
THIS IS THE STATE, BIDEN'S FIRST
STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH IS
COMING UP.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE STATE
OF THE UNION?
>> LOOK, I THINK THIS COUNTRY IS
ON A RECOVERY.
WE HAVE TO ADMIT THINGS HAVE NOT
BEEN GREAT.
PEOPLE HAVE REALLY FELT THIS
KIND OF OVERWHELMING GRAYNESS
BECAUSE OF COVID.
BUT WE'RE COMING OUT OF IT.
I AM HERE FORTUNATELY ON THE
LAST DAY WE WILL HAVE TO WEAR A
MASK OF A PEOPLE ARE FEEL IT.
>> Bill: WELL, THEY HAVE TO
WEAR THEM HERE >> WE ARE THE
ELITES, WE DON'T HAVE
TO WEAR THEM.
>> Bill: OF COURSE, IT'S LIKE
WE ARE IN A RESTAURANT, WE
UNDERSTAND THE WAITERS HAVE TO
WEAR MASKS, RIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S WHEN YOU'RE STANDING, WHEN
YOU'RE SITTING AND EATING YOU
CAN'T GET IT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> VICTORY, WE'VE BEEN COVID.
TIME TO TAKE OFF THE MASKS AND
GET BACK TO LIFE AND OPEN
BUSINESS AND LET EVERYONE GO
BACK TO HAVING AS NORMAL A LIFE
AS WE CAN.
IT'S OKAY TO SUCCEED.
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S OKAY FOR US TO SAY WE HAVE
MOVED ON FROM COVID.
I THINK SOME PEOPLE ARE STILL
AFRAID OF DOING THAT BUT WE
CAN'T CONTINUE TO LIVE THIS
LIFE.
THIS IS NOT THE WAY AMERICANS
WERE MEANT TO LIVE AND YOU CAN
SENSE THIS RIGHT NOW.
>> Bill: YOU ARE PREACHING MY
PRAYER BOOK, BROTHER.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU PRAY,
THOUGH.
>> Bill: NO, I DON'T.
THAT IS THE STATE OF THE UNION.
WHAT ABOUT THE STATE OF THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY, YOUR PARTY?
I READ RECENTLY THAT IF YOU RAN
AGAINST KYRSTEN SINEMA --
>> I'VE HEARD OF HER.
>> Bill: THE SENATE, YOUR
STATE, YOU'RE THE CONGRESSMAN
FROM THERE, YOU ARE THE SENATOR,
THAT YOU WOULD BEAT HER IN A
PRIMARY.
YOU DON'T SEE THIS KIND OF
NUMBERS AND POLITICS.
THAT IS SORT OF BEGGING YOU TO
DO IT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR THIS.
>> Bill: I SEE THAT.
>> GO ON.
>> Bill: THAT WAS JUST A STONE
WALL THERE, NO NOTHING.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING ON
THAT.
>> IF I DID DO IT, HOW MUCH
COULD I PUT YOU DOWN FOR?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: ALL RIGHT.
EVER SINCE I GAVE THEM A LAND TO
OBAMA,
BOY --
>> TRUST ME, MY FUND-RAISERS
GAVE ME THE MEMO.
>> Bill: IF YOU GIVE ME A
STRAIGHT ANSWER I WILL GIVE YOU,
NOT A FULL MILLION, BUT.
>> I'M PRETTY SURE WE VIOLATED A
BUNCH OF FCC LAWS.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M GOING TO FOCUS ON 2022.
I'VE GOT TO MAKE SURE MY STATE
TURNS OUT AND THAT IS WHAT I DO
IN MY STATE OF THE LAST COUPLE
YEARS.
>> Bill: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
LAWS WE VIOLATED BUT I MUST SAY,
SOME OF YOUR TWEETS --
>> OH, LORD.
I CAN'T EVEN BLAME THE STAFF,
THOSE ARE MY TWEETS, YEAH.
>> Bill: PEOPLE CALL ME A
POTTY MOUTH MY WHOLE LIFE.
TO SPEAK I'VE BEEN TO SWEAR.
>> Bill: BUT I AM A COMIC.
IT YOU ARE A CONGRESSMAN.
>> SOME COMICS ARE PRESIDENTS OF
COUNTRIES RIGHT NOW AND DOING
QUITE WELL.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: YOU RESPONDED TO A
RUSSIAN BOT, I'M SORRY YOU HAVE
ME CONFUSED WITH SOME OTHER
POLITICIAN THAT GIVES A FUCK
WHAT YOU THINK.
[APPLAUSE]
>> I LIKE TO POINT OUT I
ACTUALLY EDITED-SELL THAT WE DID
TAKE OUT AT LEAST ONE SWEARWORD.
>> Bill: TO TED CRUZ YOU SAID,
YOU FINALLY STOOD UP FOR
SOMEONE.
WHERE WAS THAT SPINE WHEN TRUMP
CAME AFTER YOUR WIFE?
YOUR BALLS ARE IN A JAR IN
CANCUN.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: NEVER MIND, I WAS
GOING TO ASK WHY YOU DO IT BUT
OBVIOUSLY IT'S A VERY POPULAR.
BUT IT IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM
WHAT WE USED TO SEE, DECORUM
FROM A POLITICIAN.
AND WHEN TRUMP TALKED LIKE THIS,
LIBERALS, HE WAS THE BAD GUY.
BUT IT'S JUST THE WAY PEOPLE ARE
NOW.
>> I DON'T GO LOOKING FOR FIGHTS
BUT I'M NOT AFRAID OF A FIGHT.
AND ANYTIME SOMEONE, YOU SEE ME
OVERREACTING ON TWITTER OR
ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, IT IS
BECAUSE SOMEONE STARTED TO COME
AT ME AND I'M NOT THE TYPE OF
PERSON WHO JUST BACKS DOWN.
>> Bill: I'VE QUOTED YOU ON
THIS SHOW A NUMBER OF TIMES
BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TALKING
ABOUT THIS TERM LATINX, WHICH
SOUNDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT
SOUNDS.
IT IS SOMETHING WHITE LIBERALS
MADE UP, RIGHT?
>> IT IS SOMETHING USED LARGELY
BY WHITE LIBERALS AND A SMALL
AMOUNT OF LATINOS BUT LARGELY IT
IS BY WHITE LIBERALS.
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE --
>> Bill: YOU HAVE SINCE
STOPPED DOING THIS BECAUSE WE
HAVE PULLING ON IT AND AN
EXTRAORDINARY NUMBER, SOMETIMES
UP TO 99% OF LATINOS EITHER
DON'T KNOW IT OR WHEN THEY HEAR
IT, DON'T LIKE IT.
>> OR ARE OFFENDED BY IT, YEAH.
THINK ABOUT THIS, I HAD A LITTLE
MARKETING FIRM WHEN I WAS A
LITTLE BIT YOUNGER.
IF I WAS WORKING FOR A FIRM AND
I SAID I'M GOING TO USE THIS
TERM THAT ONLY 3% OF THE
POPULATION IDENTIFY WITH AND 40%
OF THE POPULATION HATE, THAT
FIRM WOULD PROBABLY GET RID OF
ME BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU REACHING OUT IN THIS
WAY?
FOR SOME REASON, THE LAWS OF
GRAVITY AND RATIONALITY HAVE
SKIPPED WHEN IT COMES TO
LATINOS.
I AM BEING TOLD, THE LANGUAGE
THAT I HAVE TO FORGET IN ORDER
FOR ME TO LEARN ENGLISH, SPANISH
WAS ACTUALLY MY FIRST LANGUAGE
AND I WAS TOLD TO FORGET SPANISH
SO I COULD LEARN ENGLISH PAIR
THAT IS WHAT YOU DID BACK IN THE
DAY, MAKE YOU FEEL EMBARRASSED
BECAUSE I SPOKE SPANISH.
KIDS USED TO MAKE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE I HAD A SPANISH ACCENT.
NOW I AM BEING TOLD THAT MY
LANGUAGE IS WRONG AND MY
THINKING ABOUT MY LANGUAGE IS
WRONG.
I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT.
I LOVE MY CULTURE.
MY LANGUAGE AS PART OF MY
CULTURE.
[APPLAUSE]
AND I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE
SOMEONE CHANGE THAT.
I'LL RESPECT ANYBODY --
>> Bill: LATINX OFFENDS YOU.
>> OFFENDS ME.
IF SOMEONE SAID TO ME, THAT IS
WHAT I PREFER TO BE IDENTIFIED
AS, I WILL DO THAT BECAUSE I AM
NOT AN ASSHOLE.
BUT DON'T THROW THIS BLANKET ON
A CULTURE, 600 YEARS ON THIS
CONTINENT THAT WE ARE SOMEHOW
WRONG BECAUSE WE HAVE CHOSEN TO
BASICALLY STICK TO SOMETHING
THAT WE'VE KNOWN FOR 600 YEARS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND
WHEN WHITE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT'S
BETTER FOR YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
WHY DON'T YOU GET ABOUT THAT?
LAST QUESTION, AS LONG AS WE ARE
ON THE SUBJECT OF LATINOS, THAT
IF THERE WAS A RACE BETWEEN
BIDEN AND TRUMP NOW, IT LOOKS
LIKE THE POLLS ARE SAYING THEY
ARE EVENLY DIVIDED.
THAT BIDEN HAS LOST MORE
HISPANIC NUMBERS THAN ANY OTHER
GROUP.
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
>> I MEAN, WE WILL HAVE TO LOOK
AT OTHER POLLING BUT HERE IS MY
THEORY ON THIS.
IT LATINOS, WE ARE WORKING
CLASS.
WE CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILIES, WE
CARE ABOUT GETTING BACK TO WORK,
STARTING BUSINESS, WE ARE
ASPIRATIONAL, WE WANT TO BE RICH
SOMEDAY.
NUMBER ONE, THEY WILL IDENTIFY
WITH A RICH PERSON LIKE A
DONALD TRUMP EAR THAT'S AMERICA,
WE WANT TO BE PART OF THAT
NUMBER TWO, BECAUSE WE ARE
USUALLY THE FIRST TO BE FIRED
AND THE LAST TO BE HIRED WHERE
THE FIRST TO LOSE OUR HOUSES IN
THE LAST TO GET OUR HOUSES BACK.
WHEN COVID HIT, IT HITS US HARD
AND IT THROWS US INTO A
QUAGMIRE.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR OUR
FAMILY AND THAT IS A PRIDE
ISSUE.
WHEN MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BRING
FOOD HOME, THEY CAN'T BRING THE
AMERICAN DREAM HOME TO THEIR
FAMILIES, IT REALLY IMPACTS.
I THINK THAT IS NOT JUST
LATINOS, THAT AS AMERICANS IN
GENERAL.
WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF THE
SPIRIT OF THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE
IS FINALLY DIPPING, IT'S ACTUALG
LATINOS, WE ARE TO START
BUSINESSES AGAIN AND WE ARE
GOING TO BECOME THE RICH
AMERICANS WE WANT TO BECOME.
>> Bill: ALL RIGHT, I WILL BE
FIRST IN LINE, THANK YOU, SIR.
DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING SO
WELL.
[APPLAUSE]
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.
HE'S COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE THEY ARE.
A COLUMNIST FOR
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" I LOVE TO
READ, BRET STEPHENS!
NOT THE ONLY ONE, BUT ONE OF MY
FAVORITES.
SHE'S THE FOUNDER OF THEORY OF
ENCHANTMENT AND HOST OF THE
PODCAST "THE HEART SPEAKS WITH
CHLOE VALDARY," CHLOE VALDARY.
RIGHT OVER HERE, GREAT TO MEET
YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
RUSSIA, I KNOW.
I WANT TO START WITH CPAC
BECAUSE THIS ALWAYS AMAZES ME
EVERY YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW IF PEOPLE KNOW WHAT
CPAC IS.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A COURSE OF
ANTIBIOTICS --
>> IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF
ANTIBIOTICS.
>> Bill: ITS ANTILIFE.
ACTUALLY, IT'S PRO-LIFE.
WHATEVER IT IS.
IT'S IN THE CONVENTION, RIGHT?
REPUBLICANS, IF YOU ARE A
CONSERVATIVE AND YOU WANT TO
MAKE YOUR BONES IN THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY, YOU'VE GOT TO
SCORE AT CPAC.
THIS YEAR, THE SPEAKER IS GLENN
BECK, TIM CRUZ, JIM JORDAN,
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, LAUREN
BOEBERT, PAPA JOHN.
[LAUGHTER]
DONALD TRUMP JR.
I MEAN, IT IS A WOODSTOCK OF THE
MENTALLY IMPAIRED.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: IN A NICE WAY, I'M
NOT BEING MEAN.
ANYWAY, I JUST, THE REASON I'M
BRINGING IT UP AS I FEEL LIKE IT
IS EMBLEMATIC OF WHERE THE
COUNTRY IS AND WE ARE GOING TO
MEASURE THIS BY THE PARTY.
HERE ARE FIVE OF THEIR SEMINARS,
THEIR BIG EVENTS.
FIGHTING WOKE, OBAMACARE STILL
KILLS, THE TRUTH ABOUT JANUARY
JANUARY 6TH, SEX CHANGES AREN'T
FOR KIDS, LOCK HER UP FOR REAL.
THAT IS WHERE THIS PARTY IS.
I LOOK AT THIS LIST AND SAY
THREE OF THOSE THINGS ARE TOTAL
BAT SHIT CRAZY PER THE PROBLEM
IS TWO OF THEM HAVE A KERNEL OF
TRUTH IN IT.
DO YOU AGREE?
>> THAT IS THE STOCK IN TRADE OF
EVERY DEMAGOGUE, NOT THAT THEY
ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG, THAT THEY
ARE GIVING YOU HALF THE TRUTH
AND THAT IS WHY THEY ARE
DANGEROUS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: I WOULDN'T SAY HALF.
>> EVEN A THIRD, THIS IS HOW
TRUMP OPERATED.
TRUMP WAS PLAYING ON REAL ISSUES
THAT PEOPLE CARED ABOUT AND A
LOT OF THE ELITES WERE IGNORING.
ONE OF THEM WAS IMMIGRATION, FOR
EXAMPLE.
URBAN DECAY AND SO ON.
BUT HIS SOLUTIONS WERE VILE AND
EVIL.
IF YOU ARE THE OPPOSITION PARTY
YOU CAN'T BE GIVING THOSE GIFTS
TO THE DEMAGOGUES IN AMERICAN
POLITICS, AND THAT UNFORTUNATELY
HAS BEEN THE RELATIONSHIP IN THE
LAST FEW YEARS BETWEEN THE
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.
>> Bill: WE AGREE OBAMACARE
STILL KILLS, THAT'S WRONG,
RIGHT?
OBAMACARE IS DOING BETTER THAN
EVER, AND IN A PANDEMIC IT WAS
REALLY A LIFESAVER FOR A LOT OF
PEOPLE.
[APPLAUSE]
>> EXACTLY.
BUT I THINK ONE OF THE ISSUES
HERE, I DON'T THINK THE MAJORITY
OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE
ACTUALLY WITH CPAC.
83% OF AMERICANS --
>> Bill: OH, NO.
>> ARE TOTALLY DISSATISFIED WITH
THE DIRECTION THE NATION IS
GOING AND I THINK THAT IS IN
PART BECAUSE WE ARE EXHAUSTED BY
THE POLARIZATION.
WE ARE EXHAUSTED BY THIS
MUDSLINGING ATTITUDE THAT
CHARACTERIZES OUR POLITICS AT
THE MOMENT.
AND ESPECIALLY COMING OUT OF
COVID-19 WHERE THERE ARE ALL
THESE BYPRODUCTS IN MENTAL
HEALTH.
WE ARE SUFFERING AS A NATION
FROM THINGS LIKE DEPRESSION, AND
THE FEELING OF LONELINESS, AND
FEELING DISCONNECTED.
[APPLAUSE]
AND IT'S PRECISELY IN AN
ENVIRONMENT LIKE THAT WHERE
DEMAGOGUES CAN COME IN AND
EXPLOIT THE INSECURITIES OF
PEOPLE AND TURN PEOPLE AGAINST
EACH OTHER.
SO IF THERE WAS EVER A TIME FOR
US TO DENOUNCE THAT KIND OF
RHETORIC, AND ALSO TRY TO STAND
FOR UNITY AND REACHING ACROSS
THE AISLE AND SEEING A CHILD OR,
DARE I SAY IT
, AS BROTHERS AND SISTERS EVEN
THOUGH WE DON'T ALWAYS AGREE
POLITICALLY, I
THINK NOW IS THE TIME.
[APPLAUSE]
>> ON A SLIGHTLY MORE SOUR NOTE,
CPAC IS DEFINITELY NOT THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
I USED TO THINK, YEARS AGO, THAT
IT WAS NOT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
I THOUGHT IT WAS THE MONKEY
SHOW.
TURNS OUT IT IS THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY.
THE MONKEY SHOW IS THE PARTY.
>> Bill: RIGHT, AND THAT IS
ABOUT HALF, THE HALF THAT IS
GOING TO WIN BIG IN THE NEXT
ELECTION.
KEEP GOING, OBAMACARE STILL
KILLS PEER THAT IS ONE OF MY,
CRAZY.
THE TRUTH ABOUT JANUARY 6TH.
WHAT THEY THINK IS THE TRUTH IS
THE OPPOSITE OF THE TRUTH.
THAT SOMEHOW IN THEIR VIEW THE
COPS WERE THE BAD GUYS, THE LAW
AND ORDER PEOPLE, THE COPS WERE
THE BAD GUYS AND THE RIOTERS
WERE INNOCENT VICTIMS.
THEN LOCK HER UP FOR REAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START WITH
THIS ONE BECAUSE WE FOUND OUT
RECENTLY TRUMP TO SECURITY
BREACHES, SO MUCH WORSE THAN HER
EMAILS.
OKAY, LOCK HER UP.
NOT HALF, THREE FIFTHS OF YOUR
PLATFORM, CRAZY CRAZY.
BUT THEN THERE IS FIGHTING WOKE.
NOW, WOKE IS SORT OF AN EYE
ROLL.
>> WOKE IS A PROGRESSIVE GIFT TO
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
>> Bill: IF WE MEAN THE
ORIGINAL DEFINITION, LEARNING
PEOPLE TO INJUSTICE.
I THINK WE ARE ALL FOR THAT.
BUT WHEN IT VEERS OFF INTO THE
INSANE SHIT, NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR
HOOK IN.
SO THAT IS ONE.
THEN SEX CHANGES AREN'T FOR
KIDS.
WELL, THAT IS A LITTLE BROAD,
BUT AGAIN, THIS IS WHERE YOU GET
PEOPLE BECAUSE IT IS KIND OF
KNEW.
WE SOMETIMES DO KIND OF GO TO
THE BULLPEN EARLY ON CHANGING A
KID'S -- WE ARE BRINGING IN THE
LEFTY.
IT REALLY, AT 3?
THIS IS NEW STUFF.
AND THEY ASKED LIKE IF YOU
DEBATE IT, THAT ITSELF MAKES YOU
A BIGOT.
JUST DEBATING IT MAKES YOU
PHOBIC.
THIS IS NEW STUFF, IT INVOLVES
CHILDREN, WE GET TO TALK ABOUT
IT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> THIS IS ACTUALLY THE
RESPONSIBILITY BUT ALSO THE
OPPORTUNITY OF I BELIEVE THE
SAME MAJORITY OF THE DEMOCRATIC
PARTY TO SPEAK UP HERE THE
PROBLEM WITH THE DEMOCRATS IS
THAT MAJORITY IS NOT WOKE, THEYS
QUESTIONS YOU JUST RAISED ABOUT
SEX CHANGES IN MINORS, BUT THEY
ARE TERRIFIED OF SPEAKING UP
BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA WILL CRUSH
THEM, THEY WILL BE DEFENDANTS
TRADED,
THEY WILL BE HUMILIATED AND MADE
TO APOLOGIZE AND BY THE WAY,
CPAC WILL HAVE ITS ISSUES.
>> Bill: THE STATE OF THE
UNION IS COMING UP, OKAY.
SPEAKING OF WHAT THE DEMOCRATS
DO, THEY ARE HAVING
RASHIDA TLAIB ISSUE WHAT LOOKS
TO ME LIKE A REBUTTAL.
IT COMES AFTER THE STATE OF THE
UNION SPEECH.
I'VE ALWAYS SEEN THE OPPOSITION
PARTY GIVE A REBUTTAL.
THIS IS FROM THE SAME PARTY.
THIS IS LIKE STACKING YOUR OWN
QUARTERBACK.
MAYBE SHE'S GOING TO SAY SOME
NICE THINGS ABOUT JOE BUT
BASICALLY IT'S TOO PRESENT, THEY
SAID, ARTICULATE A PROGRESSIVE
VISION.
AS OPPOSED TO WHAT, JOE BIDEN?
MUSSOLINI?
FIRST OF ALL, BAD IDEA, FOR THE
DEMOCRATS?
>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A BAD
IDEA.
ON THE ONE HAND YOU WANT TO SHOW
A UNIFIED FRONT.
THEY ACTUALLY DON'T THEIR
PARTY'S SEAT TO THE FIRE.
THEY ARE SPENDING 85% OF THE
TIME ATTACKING THEIR IDEOLOGICAL
OPPONENTS INSTEAD OF MAKING
THEIR PARTY B EVERYTHING IT
COULD BE.
I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE
SAID ABOUT AN ASPECT OF A PARTY
CHALLENGING, DEMOCRATS
CHALLENGING THE DEMOCRATS IN
ORDER TO MAKE OF THE DEMOCRATS
BE BETTER.
THAT BEING SAID, A PIECE OF
ADVICE I WOULD GIVE TO HER IS TO
AVOID FALLING INTO THE SAME US
VERSUS THEM RHETORIC, BECAUSE I
THINK SHE WILL BE TEMPTED TO DO
THAT AND SHE WILL ATTACK MEMBERS
OF HER OWN PARTY AND THAT COULD
BACKFIRE.
>> Bill: I REMEMBER SHE IS ONE
OF THE SQUAD MEMBERS AND I
REMEMBER WE TALKED ABOUT ON
THIS SHOW ONE NIGHT, BDS, THE
BOY BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE WANT TO
DO AGAINST ISRAEL BECAUSE ISRAEL
SOMEHOW GOT TO BE THE NAZIS.
IT DIDN'T COME I THINK THAT IS A
BUNCH OF BULLSHIT, I THINK YOU
WOULD AGREE WITH THAT.
>> I WOULD.
>> Bill: THEN RASHIDA TLAIB
CALLED FOR ME TO BE BOYCOTTED, I
SAID WE SHOULDN'T BOYCOTT AND
HER WORDS, WE ARE GOING TO
BOYCOTT YOU.
WHEN PEOPLE SAY, WHY ARE YOU SO
HARD ON THE LEFT OF THESE DAYS?
BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.
[APPLAUSE]
WE HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION
ABOUT THIS ISSUE CALLED BDS AND
YOU WANT TO BOYCOTT ME PEER TO
THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, THE
DEMOCRATS ARE HOSTAGE TO THEIR
CRAZY MINORITY AND THE
REPUBLICANS ARE HOSTAGE TO
THEIR CRAZY MAJORITY.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: DID YOU WRITE TO THAT
ALREADY?
>> I JUST CAME UP WITH IT.
>> Bill: PUT IT IN THE COLUMN,
IT'S GOOD.
LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR NEW
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE,
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON.
[APPLAUSE]
I WAS SURPRISED, IT TOOK BIDEN A
LONG TIME TO COME UP WITH THE
NAME.
I GUESS HE WANTED TO DO HIS DUE
DILIGENCE.
SHE SEEMS INCREDIBLY QUALIFIED.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAD TO BE
SUCH A BIG DEAL, WHY COULDN'T HE
HAVE JUST SAID, I'M GOING TO
LOOK AT EVERYBODY AND THEN PICK
A BLACK WOMAN?
BECAUSE THIS WAY, AN ASTOUNDING
POLL THAT I JUST SAW, 76% OF
AMERICANS WANTED BIDEN TO
CONSIDER ALL POSSIBLE CHOICES.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
INCLUDING ONLY 28% OF NONWHITE
AMERICANS WANTED BIDEN TO
CONSIDER ONLY BLACK WOMEN.
THAT SHOCKED ME.
BUT THEN I READ THIS ARTICLE
THIS WEEK ABOUT THEM, THE TWO
OLD DEMOCRATIC CANS WHO DO PULL
IN, THEY'VE DONE IT FOR 20
YEARS, ANALYZED AT THE PARTY.
THEY SAY DEMOCRATS SUFFER FROM
THREE BIG MYTHS IN THE FIRST ONE
IS THAT PEOPLE OF COLOR ALL
THINK ALIKE.
>> CORRECT.
>> Bill: IS THAT CORRECT?
>> [LAUGHS]
DIDN'T YOU KNOW, WE ALL THINK
ALIKE.
WE ALL HAVE THE SAME SKIN COLOR
SO WE MAGICALLY COME TO THE SAME
CONCLUSION ABOUT EVERYTHING.
>> Bill: IT'S ALMOST MORE
RACIST.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Bill: THE OTHER THREE
MYTHS, THE SECOND ONE IS THERE
IS GOING TO BE A BIG PROGRESSIVE
TAKEOVER.
OR THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER
THE PARTY.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT IS IN THE
WORKS, WE'VE HEARD ABOUT A BLUE
WAVE BEFORE AND IT DIDN'T
MATERIALIZE.
>> IT'S AN INTERESTING THING
BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT
BIDEN'S DECISION TO PREANNOUNCED
THE RACE RACE AND GENDER OF THE
NOMINEE.
THE DEMOCRATS HAVE A PROBLEM
BEING SEEN AS A PARTY THAT HAS
HYPER RACIALIZED EVERYTHING.
I NOW THINK, SOMEONE CHANGED MY
MIND NOT ON THE PRINCIPLE BUT ON
THE POLITICS, I THINK
REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO LOOK
VERY UGLY AND STUPID IF THEY
COME OUT DEMEANING AND DEMAGOGUE
IN SELLING WHAT SEEMS TO ME A
TOTALLY QUALIFIED CANDIDATE WHO
SHOULD BE BUYING SOME
INCREDIBLE DISCLOSURE, SHE SHOUE
CONFIRMED 100-0.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
>> I SAY THAT AS SOMEONE WHO
DOESN'T AGREE WITH PROBABLY A
LOT OF THE POSITIONS.
>> BUT WE ALREADY HAVE AN
EXAMPLE THAT.
LINDSEY GRAHAM TWEETED THIS
MORNING THAT HER NOMINATION IS
AN EXAMPLE OF A WIN FOR THE
RADICAL LEFT.
MEANWHILE HE ACTUALLY CONFIRMED
HER IN THE D.C. COURT.
HE ACTUALLY VOTED FOR HER
CONFIRMATION.
YOU SEE THIS AUTOMATIC, THE
ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS --
>> Bill: LINDSEY AND SEES A
LOT OF THINGS BOTH WAYS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> WE WILL LEAVE IT AT THAT.
>> Bill: I MENTIONED --
[LAUGHS]
I'M GETTING IN TROUBLE TODAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS YEAR IS
GONE SO FAST, OUR FIRST HIATUS.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST GOT BACK FROM
HAWAII AND IT WAS
VALENTINE'S DAY.
IT WAS ACTUALLY A MONTH AND A
HALF.
WHEN LIFE GOES BY THIS FAST I
ALWAYS LIKE TO DO ONE OF OUR
FAVORITE DEPARTMENTS HERE ON THE
SHOW CALLED, I DON'T KNOW IT FOR
A FACT, I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
[APPLAUSE]
SO MUCH OF LIFE IS JUST LIKE
THAT, YOU CAN'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL
THESE DAYS BUT SOME THINGS I
JUST KNOW.
HERE'S OUR EDITION TONIGHT, I
DON'T KNOW IT FOR EFFECT WHEN
GHISLAINE MAXWELL TELLS HER
PRISON GUARDS, SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING, THEY SAY, WE'LL SEE.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T KNOW IT'S TRUE, I JUST
KNOW IT.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO THOUGHT
THERE WAS A COSMIC SIGNIFICANCE
TO THE DATE 2/22/22 IS ALSO AN
AROMA THERAPIST ON THEIR THIRD
MARRIAGE.
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
THE YEAR'S OSCARS DEATH MONTAGE
WILL INCLUDE THE OSCARS.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
DURING NEXT WEEK'S STATE OF THE
UNION, JOE BIDEN WILL SAY
SOMETHING NO HUMAN COULD
POSSIBLY DISAGREE WITH, BUT
EVERY REPUBLICAN WILL STILL SIT
THERE AND LOOK AT HIM LIKE HE
JUST FARTED.
I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, SOMETIMES I WILL NEED YOUR
PITY SO KEEP DOING THAT.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
DESPITE WHAT THE AD ON PORNHUB
SAYS, THERE AREN'T ACTUALLY HOT
MILFs IN MY AREA WHO WANT TO
FUCK RIGHT NOW.
I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT
"VEGAN TOILET PAPER," IS A FANCY
PHRASE FOR "YOUR HAND."
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST KNOW IT'S TRUE.
I DON'T KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE
PERSON AT STARBUCKS WHO SAYS THE
WRONG NAME ON THE CUP KNOWS DAMN
WELL WHAT THE NAME REALLY SAYS.
[LAUGHTER]
TWICE A YEAR WE DO THAT, OKAY.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT UKRAINE.
IT IS PRETTY SAD TO WATCH WHAT'S
GOING ON.
I MUST SAY, I'VE READ THIS
BEFORE, THIS IS THE WORST THING
TO HAPPEN IN EUROPE SINCE
WORLD WAR II.
I READ THAT ABOUT THE BALKAN
WAR.
BUT IT'S SIMILAR AND IT'S
HEARTBREAKING.
THE QUESTION AS I WAS ASKING THE
CONGRESSMAN, IF WE ARE NOT GOING
TO SEND TROOPS AND THE
SANCTIONS ARE GOING TO HURT THE
PEOPLE MORE THAN THEY ARE GOING
TO HURT PUTIN, BECAUSE I SAW
THAT IN CUBAN, WE'VE SEEN THAT
IN A RAN
IRAN.
AFGHANISTAN IS STARVING NOW AND
A LOT OF THAT IS BECAUSE OF THE
WAY WE ARE SQUEEZING THE REGIME.
WHAT IS THE ANSWER, BECAUSE I I
DON'T KNOW.
>> FIRST OF ALL WE SHOULD DO
EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO HELP
BRAVE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE STAND UP
FOR THEIR FREEDOM AND
INDEPENDENCE AND THAT SHOULD BE
A MORAL ABSOLUTE IN THIS
COUNTRY.
IF PEOPLE CAN'T SEE THAT, MAYBE
TUCKER CARLSON AND OTHERS CAN'T
SEE THAT THAN THEY ARE LOSING
SIGHT OF DEMOCRACY.
SO THERE IS A MORAL QUESTION.
[APPLAUSE]
IT SHOULDN'T END AT SANCTIONS
BECAUSE PUTIN ISN'T GOING TO END
AT UKRAINE.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE HITLER
ANALOGY, BUT THIS IS
CZECHOSLOVAKIA 1938.
>> Bill: WELL --
>> NO --
>> Bill: THE QUESTION IS, IS
PUTIN HITLER?
IS HE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE HITLE
HITLER?
I UNDERSTAND, A DICTATOR IN
EUROPE WHO IS BITING OFF LITTLE
PIECES OF THE COUNTRY.
HITLER DID IT QUICKLY.
THIS GUY TOOK A GEORGIA IN 2008,
CRIMEA IN 2014.
WE WILL BE USING BITCOIN ON MARS
BEFORE HE GETS TO PARIS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> Bill: I'M JUST SAYING, THIS
IS NOT EXACTLY A BLITZKRIEG IF
HE IS TAKING OVER EUROPE THIS
SLOW.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO TAKE OVER
EUROPE, I'M JUST SAYING IF YOU
BRING OUT THE HITLER ANALOGY,
BEHIND IT HAS TO BE THE IDEA
THAT PUTIN AND HIS COUNTRY ARE
AS STRONG AS GERMANY IN 1938,
AND THIS IS THEIR INTENT.
IS PUTIN THERE, IS HE GOING TO
TAKE POLAND?
>> WILL HE BE STRONG IF OUR
STANCE IS TO DO NOTHING?
AND OUR STANCE HAS BEEN TO DO
NOTHING, FOR VERY LONG TIME,
ESSENTIALLY, FOR THE PAST 20
YEARS ACTUALLY.
>> Bill: NOTHING ABOUT THIS IN
PARTICULAR?
>> ABOUT THE DIFFERENT MOVES
THAT PUTIN HAS MADE TO SIGNAL TO
THE INTERNATIONAL ORDER THAT IF
WE DON'T STOP HIM, HE WILL
CONTINUE TO TRY TO RESURRECT
PIECES OF THE SOVIET EMPIRE.
HE'S BEEN ON THE RECORD SAYING
THIS IS HIS VISION.
SO I DON'T KNOW IF I PERSONALLY
WOULD AUTOMATICALLY SAY THAT
TROOPS ARE OFF THE TABLE.
THIS MAY VERY WELL BE --
>> Bill: AMERICAN TROOPS?
>> YES.
>> Bill: HE WOULD SEND
AMERICAN TROOPS?
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT I WOULD
SEND THEM TO UKRAINE
SPECIFICALLY --
>> Bill: THAT IS WHERE THE WAR
IS.
>> BUT WE ARE ALREADY SENDING
TROOPS TO POLAND, THAT IS
ALREADY HAPPENING, SO I WOULD BE
CAREFUL WITH SIGNALING TO PUTIN
THAT WE WILL DO NOTHING
MILITARILY TO STOP HIM.
BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T THAT JUST
ENCOURAGE HIM TO KEEP DOING IT?
[APPLAUSE]
>> HE INVADED GEORGIA IN 2008,
THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION MADE
SOME STATEMENTS, WE BASICALLY
DID NOTHING.
HE INVADED CRIMEA IN 2014, THE
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION MADE A FEW
STATEMENTS, THEY BASICALLY
DID NOTHING.
THEN HE INVADED AND STARTED A
WAR THAT KILLED 18,000 PEOPLE IN
EASTERN UKRAINE, WE DID NOTHING.
NOW HE HAS INVADED UKRAINE AS A
WHOLE.
MAYBE HE WILL HAVE AN ON
SOLUTION WITH BELARUS
, MAYBE TALK ABOUT RUSSIAN -- HA
PROVOCATION, USE HIS
INTELLIGENCE SERVICES TO STIR
THE POT.
IF YOU DON'T STAND UP TO
CHARACTERS LIKE PUTIN YOU ARE
LETTING DOWN --
>> Bill: STAND UP.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEND AMERICAN
TROOPS OR YOU ARE JUST FUCKING
TALKING.
IT IS SO EASY, I AGREE, MORALLY,
WE STAND WITH THE PEOPLE.
BUT WHAT ARE WE REALLY --
>> THE SOVIET UNION CAME DOWN
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T SEND AMERICAN
TROOPS, WE SENT STINGER MISSILES
TO AFGHANISTAN AND HUMILIATED
THEM IN AFGHANISTAN.
>> Bill: BUT THAT IS NOT WHY
THE SOVIET UNION FELL.
>> IT HAD A OF AN EFFECT ON THE
COLLAPSE OF THE SOVIET UNION.
>> Bill: SOVIET UNION FELL
BECAUSE COMMUNISM IS A SYSTEM
THAT WAS GOING TO IMPOVERISH THE
COUNTRY.
>> COMMUNISM STILL OPERATES IN
NORTH KOREA.
>> Bill: RIGHT, IMPOVERISHED.
>> THERE WILL NOT BE A SILVER
BULLET, WE HAVE TO SANCTION
THEIR OLIGARCHS, KICK THEM OUT
OF THEIR MANSIONS IN LONDON,
SEND U.S. AND NATO TROOPS TO
FRONT-LINE STATES AND
EVENTUALLY, SOME ACCUMULATION,
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO EXPOSE
PUTIN'S CORRUPT WEALTH AND AT
SOME POINT THE RUSSIANS WILL SEE
THEY ARE BEING SWINDLED BY THEIR
LEADERSHIP.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: I HAVE BEEN A VERY
VOCAL CRITIC OF CRYPTOCURRENCY
ON THIS SHOW.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN IT, I THINK
IT IS A PONZI SCHEME, I DON'T
THINK ANYBODY REALLY UNDERSTANDS
IT, THERE IS NO PRODUCT BEHIND
IT.
IT'S INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE FOR THE
ENVIRONMENT AND I GET SOME DIRTY
LOOKS AT DINNER PARTIES OR IN
RESTAURANTS, MILLENNIALS ARE BIG
INTO CRYPTO, YOU JUST DON'T GET
IT.
THEN I ASK THEM ABOUT THE
ENVIRONMENT AND THEY'VE NEVER
HEARD OF THE FACT THAT IT USES
MORE ENERGY THAN SOME WHOLE
COUNTRIES.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> Bill: THE OTHER THING THAT
IS SO SHITTY ABOUT
CRYPTOCURRENCY, THIS IS HOW
PEOPLE LIKE PUTIN ARE GOING TO
AVOID BEING AFFECTED BY
SANCTIONS.
CRYPTOCURRENCY, YOU CAN'T
SANCTION CRYPTOCURRENCY.
AND THERE IS A LOT OF MONEY
MOVING INTO IT.
I THINK EL SALVADOR USES IT AS
THEIR OFFICIAL CURRENCY NOW.
THIS IS GOING TO HELP PEOPLE
LIKE PUTIN EVADE THE COMEUPPANCE
THAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HAVING
HIM COME UP TO.
>> I WILL SAY, LISTEN, I AM ONE
OF THOSE MILLENNIALS WHO HAS NO
IDEA HOW CRYPTOCURRENCY WORKS.
>> Bill: NO ONE DOES, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT IT, NO ONE DOES.
[APPLAUSE]
>> BUT I WILL SAY, MY VERY BRIEF
UNDERSTANDING IS CRYPTOCURRENCY
IS A TOOL THAT CAN BE USED FOR
GOOD OR EVIL.
YES, THE RUSSIANS ARE USING IT
BUT THE UKRAINIANS ARE ALSO
USING IT.
$4.1 MILLION -- SORRY, NOT
DOLLARS, CRYPTOCURRENCY.
BITCOIN HAS ALREADY BEEN ADDED
TO THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY.
>> Bill: OH, THAT WILL STOP
THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
4 MILLION IN BITCOIN?
>> I'M JUST SAYING, BOTH ARE
USING IT.
AND I DON'T THINK THE
INFRASTRUCTURE FOR CRYPTO IS AT
SCALE FOR RUSSIA TO BE ABLE TO
ACTUALLY AVOID CRIPPLING
SANCTIONS.
>> BUT IF IT IS A BOGUS CURRENCY
AS YOU'VE SUGGESTED, AND I AGREE
WITH YOU, AND IF THE RUSSIANS
WANT TO MOVE HEAVILY INTO
BITCOIN, I SAY LET THEM DO IT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> THAT IS A GOOD POINT.
>> IF IT IS A PONZI SCHEME AND
NOT BACKED UP BY SOVEREIGN
POWER, HAS NO INSURANCE, IS
BASICALLY JUST A PIECE OF
IMAGINATION AND CODE, THEN
VLADIMIR, LET ME STEER YOU TO AN
INVESTMENT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: SO THE REPUBLICANS
HAVE BEEN SORT OF LIKE FLIRTING
WITH RUSSIA FOR QUITE A WHILE
NOW, WHICH IS SO INTERESTING TO
ME BECAUSE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG,
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WAS SO
ANTI-RUSSIA.
THAT IS HOW RONALD REAGAN BECAME
A HERO, THE EVIL EMPIRE AND ALL
THAT.
WE DID AN EDITORIAL ON THIS SHOW
A FEW YEARS AGO, WHY DID THIS
FLIP SO BADLY?
I SHOWED SOME QUOTES FROM PEOPLE
AND I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW THEM
NOW, AND COULTER SAID IN 20
YEARS RUSSIA WILL BE THE ONLY
COUNTRY RECOGNIZABLY EUROPEAN.
MATT DRUDGE, PUTIN IS THE LEADER
OF THE FREE WORLD.
I THINK THEY ALL GOT THIS FROM
DAVID DUKE BACK IN 2004, HE SAID
RUSSIA IS THE KEY TO WHITE
SURVIVAL.
THAT IS THE POINT I WAS TRYING
TO MAKE THAT NIGHT AND I'M
WONDERING IF YOU COULD WEIGH IN
ON THIS, THE WORLD HAS BECOME A
LOT MORE DIVERSE.
I TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE
FIRST TIME I WENT TO LONDON IN
THE 1980s IT WAS A COMPLETELY
WHITE CITY AND NOW IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL DIVERSE CITY.
RUSSIA IS THE ONE PLACE IN THE
WORLD THAT SAYS NO TO DIVERSITY.
I CLOSE IT BY SAYING THE
REPUBLICANS DON'T SEE MEDDLING
IN OUR ELECTION AS A BAD THING.
THEY SEE IT AS WHITE PEOPLE
HELPING WHITE PEOPLE.
[APPLAUSE]
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF A
DIVERSE WORLD, RUSSIA IS THEIR
SAVIOR COUNTRY.
>> I THINK IT'S ACTUALLY A
LITTLE BIT MORE COMPLICATED THAN
THAT.
I THINK WHAT'S GOING ON IS THE
REPUBLICANS ARE UNCONSCIOUSLY,
MAY BE CONSCIOUSLY IMITATING
WOKENESS, BECAUSE IF YOU REALLY
UNPACK WOKENESS, WOKENESS
FUNDAMENTALLY DISRESPECTS THE
SANCTITY OF THE INDIVIDUAL.
IT ASSUMES THE LIVED EXPERIENCE
IS PEOPLE BASED UPON SKIN COLOR,
IT ENCOURAGES THE SEGREGATION OF
PEOPLE BASED UPON SKIN COLOR.
THE REPUBLICANS IN MANY WAYS ARE
RESPONDING IN KIND AND THEY ARE
IMITATING THAT KIND OF WOKE
SENTIMENT.
>> Bill: RIGHT.
>> SO IF WE WANT THAT TO STOP IT
IS EVEN MORE INCUMBENT UPON THE
DEMOCRATS TO GET THEIR ACT
TOGETHER AND SAY NO TO ELEMENTS
OF THAT, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY IS SEEING THAT AS
SOMETHING WITH WHICH TO GAIN
POWER AND INFLUENCE.
I THINK IN MANY WAYS THERE IS AN
IMITATION GOING ON.
>> Bill: INTERESTING.
>> I THINK THAT IS SUCH AN
IMPORTANT INSIGHT.
IT'S ALSO JOE BIDEN'S
OPPORTUNITY TO TURN AROUND HIS
PRESIDENCY AND TO REMIND US HE
IS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD
AND THE FREE WORLD MEANS
SOMETHING AND ONE OF THE THINGS
IT MEANS IS AN OPEN SOCIETY,
OPEN TO PEOPLE OF EVERY
BACKGROUND AND SKIN COLOR AND
ETHNICITY AND RELIGION, AND HE
IS GOING TO CHAMPION THAT WORLD
AGAINST ALL ENEMIES FOREIGN AND
DOMESTIC.
THE GREATEST ENEMIES, FOREIGN
BEING MR. XI IN CHINA AND
MR. PUTIN IN RUSSIA, AND ENEMIES
WHO WANT TO TEAR THIS COUNTRY
APART AND TURN IT INTO A
FACSIMILE OF WHAT THEY IMAGINE
RUSSIA TO BE.
>> Bill: WE WILL LEAVE IT AT
THAT, THANK YOU.
WELL SAID.
IT'S TIME FOR "NEW RULES!"
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: YES, IT'S FUN TO BLAME
BIDEN FOR EVERYTHING, BUT IF
RUSSIA INVADING UKRAINE CAUSES
GAS TO GO UP TO SIX BUCKS A
GALLON, AT LEAST PUT PUTIN ON
THAT STUPID STICKER.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND DON'T FORGET WHO CUPPED HIS
BALLS.
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: PROTESTERS MUST GET
BACK TO CARRYING SIGNS THAT TELL
US WHAT THEY'RE PROTESTING,
BECAUSE IT'S SO HARD TO TELL
ANYMORE.
[LAUGHTER]
THESE FOLKS WALKING ACROSS A
LONDON STREET IN THEIR SKIVVIES
ARE SUING THE CITY FOR CHARGING
A FEE TO SWIM IN A LOCAL POND.
BUT THIS DOESN'T SAY,
"PROTESTING NEW FEE."
IT SAYS, "WORST BEATLES COVER
BAND EVER."
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: IF WE CAN PUT RICH
RANDOS IN SPACE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
TO MAKE A POWER WINDOW THAT
STOPS MOVING WHEN I STOP PUSHING
THE BUTTON.
UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN.
ONE MORE INCH.
ONE LESS.
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR G-SPOT,
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST WANT TO GET THE POT SMELL
OUT OF THE RENTAL CAR.
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: ROMANTIC COMEDIES HAVE
TO STOP ORDERING ME AROUND.
WHY ARE THE TITLES ALWAYS DIRECT
COMMANDS?
THIS MONTH, IT'S "MARRY ME."
BUT GO BACK THROUGH THE YEARS
AND YOU'LL SEE, WE'VE ALSO HAD
KISS ME, KISS ME AGAIN, SHUT UP
AND KISS ME, KISS ME FOR
CHRISTMAS, MEET ME AT CHRISTMAS,
MARRY ME AT CHRISTMAS, MARRY ME
FOR CHRISTMAS, MARRY ME THIS
CHRISTMAS, TAKE ME SOMEWHERE
NICE, TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT,
SURPRISE ME, REMEMBER ME, DANCE
WITH ME, STAY WITH ME, SLEEP
WITH ME, TALK TO ME, TOUCH ME
AND LIE TO ME!
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
HERE'S MY MOVIE: "NO."
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T WANT THIS TO SOUND
HARSH, BUT MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T BE
SINGLE IF YOU WEREN'T SO BOSSY.
[LAUGHTER]
MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU PUT IT ALL
TOGETHER.
NEW RULE: THIS NEW PRODUCT
CALLED THE SATISFYER HEATED
MASTURBATOR FOR MEN HAS TO LOOK
LESS LIKE A REGULAR HOUSEHOLD
APPLIANCE.
MAKE IT PINK.
BEDAZZLE IT.
SOMETHING.
WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE STILL STUCK
AT HOME, THE LAST THING WE NEED
TO HEAR IS, "MOM, DAD GOT HIS
DICK STUCK IN ALEXA AGAIN."
[APPLAUSE]
I'M SO PROUD OF MY WORK.
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE: NOW THAT
TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS ARE FALLING
LIKE A ROCK, DEMOCRATS MUST
REALIZE THAT THE WAY TO GET HIS
VOTERS BACK IS THROUGH
GRACIOUSNESS.
YEAH.
A RARE OPPORTUNITY IS PRESENTING
ITSELF THESE DAYS FOR AMERICA TO
RETURN TO THE MORE NORMAL TIME
WE HAD BEFORE TRUMP, BECAUSE
FINALLY THERE ARE SIGNS THAT THE
TRUMP FEVER IS STARTING TO
BREAK.
ATTENDANCE IS DOWN AT HIS
RALLIES, AND HIS PRESS RELEASE
BRAIN FARTS DON'T MAKE NEWS LIKE
THEY ONCE DID WITH THE TWEETS.
WHEN HE BRAYS FOR ATTENTION NOW
IT FEELS LIKE MADONNA SINGING
"BITCH, I'M MADONNA."
[APPLAUSE]
IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT, MAYBE YOU
AIN'T IT ANYMORE.
[APPLAUSE]
AND LOOK AT THESE RECENT POLL
NUMBERS: IN OCTOBER 2020, 54% OF
REPUBLICANS SAID THEY WERE MORE
LOYAL TO TRUMP THAN THE PARTY,
AND ONLY 38% CHOSE THE PARTY
OVER TRUMP.
NOW THOSE NUMBERS HAVE
ESSENTIALLY FLIPPED.
OKAY, THIS CAN'T ALL BE COMING
FROM THE RAW, ANIMAL MAGNETISM
OF MITCH McCONNELL.
[LAUGHTER]
TRUMP HAS FALLEN 26 POINTS AMONG
WHITE REPUBLICANS WITHOUT A
COLLEGE DEGREE, DOWN 21 AMONG
CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS, 18
AMONG REPUBLICAN MEN, 23 AMONG
REPUBLICANS OVER 65, DOWN 19
AMONG WHITE EVANGELICALS.
THAT'S A DESCRIPTION OF THE
PEOPLE WHO MADE HIM A STAR IN
POLITICS: MEN, PEOPLE OVER 65,
JESUS FREAKS, AND WHITE GUYS WHO
DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE.
>> YOU GUYS ARE BARELY EDUCATED.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: BUT MORE AND MORE, EVEN
THE POORLY EDUCATED ARE LOOKING
AT TRUMP THE WAY LEAH REMINI
LOOKED AT SCIENTOLOGY, WITH A
MIXTURE OF ANGER AND "WHAT THE
FUCK WAS I THINKING?"
[APPLAUSE]
EVEN THE Q-ANON SHAMAN IS NOW
SAYING HE WAS DUPED BY TRUMP.
THE OUTFIT, HE HAS TO OWN
THAT HIMSELF.
[LAUGHTER]
TWO-THIRDS OF REPUBLICANS NOW
EVEN APPROVE OF MIKE PENCE
CERTIFYING THE ELECTORAL VOTES,
WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT
THAT WE HEARD SOMEONE LIKE NANCY
PELOSI STATING UNEQUIVOCALLY
THAT THE JANUARY 6 CAPITOL RIOT
WAS "A VIOLENT INSURRECTION FOR
THE PURPOSE OF TRYING TO PREVENT
THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER
AFTER A LEGITIMATELY CERTIFIED
ELECTION."
[APPLAUSE]
OH WAIT, NANCY PELOSI DIDN'T SAY
THAT.
MITCH McCONNELL SAID THAT.
>> IT WAS A VIOLENT INSURRECTION
FOR THE PURPOSE OF TRYING TO
PREVENT THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF
POWER AFTER A LEGITIMATELY
CERTIFIED ELECTION.
>> Bill: AND MIKE PENCE SAID:
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP IS WRONG.
I HAD NO RIGHT TO OVERTURN THE
ELECTION.
>> Bill: OKAY, SOMETHING MUST BE
SHIFTING IF GUTLESS WONDERS LIKE
PENCE AND McCONNELL --
[APPLAUSE]
ARE DARING TO SAY OUT LOUD,
FINALLY, THAT THE EMPEROR HAS NO
CLUE.
BARACK OBAMA WAS ONCE ASKED IN
AN INTERVIEW, BY JERRY SEINFELD,
"WHAT SPORT IS POLITICS MOST
LIKE?"
AND OBAMA SAID FOOTBALL, BECAUSE
THERE'S A LOT OF HITTING, A LOT
OF ATTRITION, YOU HAVE TO PUNT A
LOT, BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, A HOLE
OPENS UP IN THE LINE, AND YOU
HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO RUN
THROUGH IT AND GAIN GROUND.
THIS IS THAT OPPORTUNITY.
THIS IS THAT HOLE IN THE LINE
OPENING UP.
THE QUESTION NOW REALLY IS FOR
DEMOCRATS: HOW ARE YOU GOING TO
HANDLE THAT?
TRUMP'S BOND WITH HIS SUPPORTERS
IS HATRED FOR PEOPLE THEY THINK
LOOK DOWN ON THEM.
NOW THAT THESE SUPPORTERS ARE
WAVERING, LET'S NOT NUDGE THEM
BACK INTO TRUMP'S EMBRACE BY
SHOWING NO GRACIOUSNESS.
[APPLAUSE]
THE DEMOCRATS' OWN COMMITTEE
RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING
DEMOCRATS ELECTED THIS NOVEMBER
IS TELLING THEIR CANDIDATES, YOU
ARE LOSING BECAUSE YOU COME OFF
AS PREACHY AND JUDGMENTAL.
SO SURE, THE TEMPTATION WILL BE
TO HUMILIATE REPUBLICAN VOTERS
WHO ARE NOW, FINALLY, COMING TO
THEIR SENSES ABOUT TRUMP.
TO SHAME THEM, CALL THEM
DEPLORABLE, AND SAY "WHAT WERE
YOU THINKING, YOU STUPID FUCK?"
I'M SAYING, DON'T DO THAT.
DON'T DO THAT.
I KNOW I MADE IT SOUND GOOD, BUT
DON'T DO IT.
DON'T DO THAT.
THAT WILL DRIVE THEM RIGHT BACK
INTO TRUMP'S ARMS.
LOOK, WE'VE ALL HAD A FRIEND
WHO'S DATED A PSYCHO, AND WHEN
THEY COME TO THEIR SENSES, THE
LAST THING THEY WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IS HOW THEY DATED A
PSYCHO.
IT TOOK TRUMP VOTERS A LONG TIME
TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY DOWN THE
MAGA RABBIT HOLE.
TO JUMP ON THEM THE SECOND THEY
POKE THEIR HEAD OUT WOULD ENSURE
MANY MORE YEARS OF POLITICAL
WINTER.
INSTEAD OF SAYING, "NICE WORK,
YOU STUPID, RACIST SHITKICKER"
MAYBE TRY, "HEY, HOW YOU BEEN?
WELCOME BACK TO THE WONDERFUL
WORLD OF REALITY."
[APPLAUSE]
"YOU GOT TAKEN BY A SALESMAN,
HAPPENS TO ALL OF US."
AND DON'T TALK POLITICS, AT ALL!
JUST SAY, I DON'T KNOW, "HOW
'BOUT THAT YELLOWSTONE SHOW,
HUH?"
[LAUGHTER]
LITTLE THINGS THAT'LL MAKE THEM
THINK, "HEY, MAYBE DEMOCRATS
DON'T ALL EAT BABIES."
[LAUGHTER]
PROVIDE A FACE-SAVING PATH FOR
THEM TO BECOME TRADITIONAL,
INDOOR REPUBLICANS AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE THE GREATEST REPUBLICAN OF
ALL, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, DID WHEN
HE SAID AFTER THE CIVIL WAR
"WITH MALICE TOWARD NONE, WITH
CHARITY FOR ALL."
WHEN LINCOLN DEFEATED THE SOUTH,
HE DIDN'T DANCE ON THEIR GRAVES.
WHEN HE VISITED THE FRONTLINES
NEAR THE END OF THE WAR, HE
COMFORTED THE WOUNDED ON BOTH
SIDES.
HE DIDN'T HUMILIATE THEM, HE
TOLD HIS GENERALS "LET THEM GO
HOME, LET THEM HAVE THEIR HORSES
TO PLOW WITH, AND THEIR GUNS TO
SHOOT CROWS."
LINCOLN'S APPROACH WAS THE ONE
TRUMAN ADOPTED AFTER WWII, AND
TODAY GERMANY AND JAPAN ARE
PEACEFUL, PROSPEROUS ALLIES.
SIMILAR POLICIES WERE INSTITUTED
IN SOUTH AFRICA AFTER APARTHEID,
AND RWANDA AFTER THE GENOCIDE
THERE.
IT IS A LESSON WOODROW WILSON
FORGOT AT THE END OF WORLD WAR
I, WHEN THE ALLIES CHOSE TO
HUMILIATE GERMANY AND GAVE THE
WORLD HITLER.
IT'S A LESSON THAT PERHAPS
AMERICA FORGOT WHEN THE SOVIET
UNION FELL, AND WE CONTINUED TO
TREAT RUSSIA AS AN ENEMY TO BE
CONTAINED AND NOT A NEW FRIEND
TO BE WELCOMED IN.
[APPLAUSE]
IN JAPAN AFTER WORLD WAR II, WE
STAGED WRESTLING MATCHES BETWEEN
JAPANESE AND AMERICAN WRESTLERS
AND WE MADE SURE TO SOMETIMES
MAKE THE AMERICAN THE BAD GUY,
WHICH WAS A HUGE MORALE BOOST TO
THE JAPANESE PEOPLE, AND IN FACT
MADE THE MATCHES SO POPULAR THEY
ALMOST SINGLEHANDEDLY
JUMP STARTED JAPAN'S TELEVISION
INDUSTRY, WHICH LED TO THEM
BECOMING THE ECONOMIC POWERHOUSE
THEY ARE TODAY.
SO EVEN THOUGH WE DROPPED
NUCLEAR BOMBS ON THEM, SOMEHOW
MUCH WAS FORGIVEN SIMPLY BY
LETTING THEIR WRESTLER KICK OUR
WRESTLER IN THE NUTS.
[APPLAUSE]
WE NEED HUGS, NOT SMUGS.
AND IF THAT MEANS HAVING TO
SWALLOW THE IMPULSE TO SAY
"I TOLD YOU SO" AND TAKE A
COUPLE OF FAKE KICKS TO THE
GROIN, WELL, THEN I REGRET THAT
I HAVE BUT TWO NUTS TO GIVE FOR
MY COUNTRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK AND BACK ON
THE 11TH.
I'LL BE AT THE BORGATA IN
ATLANTIC CITY, APRIL 30TH, AT
MGM NATIONAL HARBOR IN
WASHINGTON, D.C., MAY 1ST, AND
AT THE MIRAGE IN VEGAS, MAY 20TH
AND 21ST.
I WANT TO THANK BRET STEPHENS,
CHLOE VALDARY, AND
RUBEN GALLEGO.
NOW GO TO YOUTUBE AND JOIN US ON
"OVERTIME."
GOODNIGHT, FOLKS!
[APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪