1 00:00:08,366 --> 00:00:09,366 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:14,633 >> START THE CLOCK. 3 00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:19,733 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,800 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:24,866 --> 00:00:32,433 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:38,533 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:39,133 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 8 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,666 >> Bill: THANK YOU, HOW ARE 9 00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,766 YOU? 10 00:00:44,833 --> 00:00:45,433 THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 11 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:47,700 YOU LOOK GREAT. 12 00:00:47,766 --> 00:00:53,233 APPRECIATE IT, GREAT TO BE HERE. 13 00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:54,000 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 14 00:00:54,066 --> 00:00:58,033 WE'VE GOT A BIG SHOW, PLEASE. 15 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,200 YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE TIME AWAY 16 00:00:59,266 --> 00:01:04,066 FROM MARTIN AND MARTIN. 17 00:01:04,133 --> 00:01:04,866 LISTEN, OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE 18 00:01:04,933 --> 00:01:08,833 IS OVER, ANDREW CUOMO HAS 19 00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:09,200 RESIGNED. 20 00:01:09,266 --> 00:01:09,466 [LAUGHTER] 21 00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:12,333 [APPLAUSE] 22 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,233 IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING BUT IT 23 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,566 FINALLY HAPPENED THIS WEEK, HE 24 00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:16,800 SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT BUT 25 00:01:16,866 --> 00:01:18,433 HE FELT HE WAS FORCED TO END ALL 26 00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:20,366 THE WOMEN IN THE OFFICE WENT 27 00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:24,000 "YEAH." 28 00:01:24,066 --> 00:01:24,266 [LAUGHTER] 29 00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:27,700 [APPLAUSE] 30 00:01:27,766 --> 00:01:28,866 HE SAID HE NEEDS TWO WEEKS TO 31 00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:31,100 GET OUT OF TOWN. 32 00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:33,100 HE'S GOING TO BE GOVERNOR FOR 33 00:01:33,166 --> 00:01:35,466 TWO MORE WEEKS, A LOT OF LOOSE 34 00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:37,133 ENDS TO TIE UP, ADMINISTRATIVE 35 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:37,533 DUTIES TO FULFILL. 36 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,933 HE ALSO WANTS TO TAKE ONE MORE 37 00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:44,200 SHOT AT TERESA IN THE ZONING 38 00:01:44,266 --> 00:01:45,033 BOARD. 39 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:45,300 [LAUGHTER] 40 00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:48,200 [APPLAUSE] 41 00:01:48,266 --> 00:01:49,500 THE OTHER SCANDAL THAT THE 42 00:01:49,566 --> 00:01:50,133 DEMOCRATS ARE FACING EVEN THOUGH 43 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,333 I DON'T THINK IT'S A SCANDAL AT 44 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,966 ALL, BUT OBAMA HAD A BIG 45 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,166 BIRTHDAY PARTY, BECAUSE HE'S 46 00:01:57,233 --> 00:02:00,600 SUCCESSFUL AND HE'S 60, THIS IS 47 00:02:00,666 --> 00:02:00,866 AMERICA. 48 00:02:00,933 --> 00:02:02,266 WE DON'T WANT TO PUNISH SUCCESS, 49 00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:04,166 DO WE? 50 00:02:04,233 --> 00:02:06,500 YES, IT'S TRUE. 51 00:02:06,566 --> 00:02:08,466 IN THE PANDEMIC, EVERYTHING 52 00:02:08,533 --> 00:02:09,466 GOING ON, THE OPTICS WERE 53 00:02:09,533 --> 00:02:10,066 TERRIBLE AND THEY SHOULD HAVE 54 00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:11,566 KNOWN THAT. 55 00:02:11,633 --> 00:02:15,866 THE D.J. THEY HIRED WAS NAMED 56 00:02:15,933 --> 00:02:22,100 "TONE-DEAF." 57 00:02:22,166 --> 00:02:23,933 TALK ABOUT AN A-LIST CROWD, OH, 58 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,900 MY GOSH. 59 00:02:25,966 --> 00:02:28,100 JAY-Z AND BEYONCE, SPIELBERG, 60 00:02:28,166 --> 00:02:29,966 DON CHEADLE, TOM HANKS, BRADLEY 61 00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:32,533 COOPER, JOHN LEGEND, THIS WAS A 62 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:33,133 SWANKY PARTY. 63 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,633 A LOT OF THEM WERE TIPPING THE 64 00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:39,266 VALET IN BITCOIN. 65 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,533 [LAUGHTER] 66 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,066 IT IS BAD OPTICS BECAUSE FIRST 67 00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:43,700 OF ALL A LOT OF THEM FLEW IN ON 68 00:02:43,766 --> 00:02:45,466 PRIVATE JETS, THEN WE'VE GOT A 69 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,133 CLIMATE REPORT FROM THE U.N., 70 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,033 HORRIBLE NEWS AS IT ALWAYS IS -- 71 00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:52,333 NOT THAT YOU EVEN NEED TO READ , 72 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,566 RIGHT? WALK OUTSIDE, IT'S HOT. 73 00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:56,433 I SAW HUNTER BIDEN PUTTING ICE 74 00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:04,700 ON A HOOKER'S NIPPLES AND SHE 75 00:03:04,766 --> 00:03:07,333 WAS PAYING HIM. 76 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,000 THAT'S HOT. 77 00:03:08,066 --> 00:03:09,033 FOR HUNTER BIDEN, THEY KEEP 78 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:12,133 RELEASING THESE VIDEOS OF HIM, 79 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,366 HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? 80 00:03:13,433 --> 00:03:17,733 ALWAYS WITH THE HOOKERS, AND THE 81 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:18,500 BLOW, IT'S SAD. 82 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,600 WAIT, SAD? 83 00:03:20,666 --> 00:03:23,233 YES, SAD. 84 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:24,400 [LAUGHTER] 85 00:03:24,466 --> 00:03:28,700 VERY FUCKING SAD. 86 00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:29,333 DOES HUNTER BIDEN EVER HAVE SEX 87 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:33,533 WHEN HE DOESN'T PUT IT ON HIS 88 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:34,100 LAPTOP? 89 00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:34,700 MOST PEOPLE WHEN THEY HAVE AN 90 00:03:34,766 --> 00:03:39,933 ORGASM SAY "OH, GOD, OH, GOD." 91 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,633 HE SAYS "LIKE, COMMENT, AND TO 92 00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:47,200 SHARE." 93 00:03:47,266 --> 00:03:47,466 [LAUGHTER] 94 00:03:47,533 --> 00:03:50,400 [APPLAUSE] 95 00:03:50,466 --> 00:03:51,633 AGAINST ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS 96 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:53,100 THAT ARE GOING ON, THE TELE- MAT 97 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,166 HAVE PRETTY MUCH TAKEN OVER -- 98 00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,733 WE KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN, NOT 99 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,000 QUITE THIS FAST. 100 00:03:58,066 --> 00:04:00,333 THEY ARE TAKING OVER AFGHANISTAN 101 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,133 AND BIDEN I'M TELLING YOU, HE'S 102 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,600 THE ONE WHO DID THIS, IT WILL 103 00:04:04,666 --> 00:04:05,166 LOOK GOOD IN THE FUTURE BUT 104 00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,366 RIGHT NOW HE'S UNDER A LOT OF 105 00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:07,566 HEAT. 106 00:04:07,633 --> 00:04:08,733 SO MANY THINGS, COVERT 107 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,200 SPREADING, HE DOESN'T WANT TO 108 00:04:10,266 --> 00:04:11,833 TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT, HE HAD A 109 00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:15,133 PRESS CONFERENCE, THE FIRST 110 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,333 THING HE SAID WAS "HOW ABOUT ALL 111 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:24,333 THAT CRACK MY KID DOES?" 112 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:24,600 [LAUGHTER] 113 00:04:24,666 --> 00:04:25,300 [APPLAUSE] 114 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:26,600 IT'S SAD, AFGHANISTAN. 115 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:30,200 20 YEARS WE WERE THERE, ALL FOR 116 00:04:30,266 --> 00:04:30,500 NOTHING. 117 00:04:30,566 --> 00:04:31,933 IT'S LIKE WHEN SEAN HANNITY WENT 118 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,600 TO HIGH SCHOOL, IT'S TERRIBLE. 119 00:04:34,666 --> 00:04:34,866 [LAUGHTER] 120 00:04:34,933 --> 00:04:37,300 [APPLAUSE] 121 00:04:37,366 --> 00:04:39,466 I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOU THINK 122 00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:41,400 ALBANY IS A HOSTILE WORKPLACE? 123 00:04:41,466 --> 00:04:51,633 WENT TO SEE KABUL. 124 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:52,500 HOSTILE WORKPLACE FOR WOMEN, I 125 00:04:52,566 --> 00:04:53,733 THINK I LEFT THAT OUT. 126 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,533 EITHER WAY, IT WORKS. 127 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,133 I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED THAT. 128 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,200 SO THE 20/20 CENSUS IS OUT, 129 00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:03,300 LISTEN TO THIS -- WHITE PEOPLE 130 00:05:03,366 --> 00:05:04,733 HAVE FALLEN FOR THE FIRST TIME 131 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,000 AS NUMBERS IN THIS COUNTRY SINCE 132 00:05:07,066 --> 00:05:14,766 1790, I BLAMED COUNTRY MUSIC. 133 00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:15,033 [LAUGHTER] 134 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,766 [APPLAUSE] 135 00:05:16,833 --> 00:05:23,800 YOU JUST CAN'T FUCK TO IT. 136 00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:24,900 [LAUGHTER] 137 00:05:24,966 --> 00:05:26,533 A LOT OF PEOPLE SEE THE WRITING 138 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,033 ON THE WALL, A CRACKER BARREL 139 00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:34,500 CHANGE TO THEIR NAME TO JUST "A 140 00:05:34,566 --> 00:05:34,733 BARREL." 141 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,833 WE'VE GOT THIS GREAT SHOW 142 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:38,366 BECAUSE DONNA BRAZILE IS HERE 143 00:05:38,433 --> 00:05:42,966 AND MICHAEL MOYNIHAN. 144 00:05:43,033 --> 00:05:46,133 BUT THEY ARE ACTORS, COMEDIANS, 145 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,966 AND LEGENDS IN THE BUILDING AND 146 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:54,066 COSTARS OF THE NEW SERIES "ONLY 147 00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,500 MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" 148 00:05:55,566 --> 00:05:59,033 PREMIERING ON HULU AUGUST 31ST: 149 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:04,600 MARTIN SHORT AND STEVE MARTIN! 150 00:06:04,666 --> 00:06:07,766 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 151 00:06:07,833 --> 00:06:10,600 >> THANK YOU, EVERYONE! 152 00:06:10,666 --> 00:06:13,200 THANKS FOR REMEMBERING! 153 00:06:13,266 --> 00:06:16,700 >> Bill: OH, MY GOD. 154 00:06:16,766 --> 00:06:18,033 >> WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE 155 00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:22,233 THAT KIND OF REACTION OTHER THAN 156 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:24,100 PROVIDE DECADES OF QUALITY 157 00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:24,733 ENTERTAINMENT? 158 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:25,800 >> THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE 159 00:06:25,866 --> 00:06:28,900 DONE YOUR SHOW AND I LOVE YOUR 160 00:06:28,966 --> 00:06:30,233 SHOW, YOU MOVED TO HBO WHICH IS 161 00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:30,500 FANTASTIC. 162 00:06:30,566 --> 00:06:32,800 >> Bill: THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO 163 00:06:32,866 --> 00:06:33,900 AGO. 164 00:06:33,966 --> 00:06:34,166 [LAUGHTER] 165 00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:37,300 I GET UP. 166 00:06:37,366 --> 00:06:39,233 TWO LEGENDS AT THE SAME TIME, 167 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:43,933 IT'S AN EMBARRASSMENT, AN 168 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,766 EMBARRASSMENT, IT'S AN 169 00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:46,266 EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES. 170 00:06:46,333 --> 00:06:48,166 >> IT'S AN EMBARRASSMENT OF 171 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:48,400 DECLINE. 172 00:06:48,466 --> 00:06:51,800 >> Bill: YOU TWO HAVE REVIVED 173 00:06:51,866 --> 00:06:55,266 THE CONCEPT OF THE COMEDY TEAM. 174 00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:58,566 >> I LOVE THEM, ABBOTT AND 175 00:06:58,633 --> 00:07:02,200 COSTELLO, BURNS AND SCHREIBER. 176 00:07:02,266 --> 00:07:03,833 >> BECAUSE WE ARE HERE YOU GO 177 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:07,500 WITH THE LESSER ONES? 178 00:07:07,566 --> 00:07:16,300 >> LAUREL AND HARDY. 179 00:07:16,366 --> 00:07:19,700 >> B>> WHO? 180 00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:21,166 >> Bill: THAT'S WHAT A LOT OF 181 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,300 KIDS ARE SAYING. 182 00:07:22,366 --> 00:07:23,100 >> JERRY AND BOB. 183 00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:26,333 >> Bill: YOU HAVE YOUR OWN 184 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:30,400 DOROTHY L'AMOUR NOW. 185 00:07:30,466 --> 00:07:33,400 >> I GOT TO TELL YOU 186 00:07:33,466 --> 00:07:33,700 SOMETHING -- 187 00:07:33,766 --> 00:07:36,166 >> Bill: USUALLY COMEDY TEAMS, 188 00:07:36,233 --> 00:07:37,466 YOU ARE BOTH HUGE STARS AND THEN 189 00:07:37,533 --> 00:07:41,466 BECAME A COMEDY TEAM AT THE 190 00:07:41,533 --> 00:07:46,566 SEPTEMBER OF OUR YEARS AS MR. S 191 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:46,833 WOULD SAY. 192 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:50,300 >> THAT'S POLITE, THE DECEMBER. 193 00:07:50,366 --> 00:07:50,733 >> Bill: NO. 194 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,133 >> IT'S WEIRD FOR ME WHEN 195 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,133 SOCIETY DEEMS YOU TIMELESS, YOU 196 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,366 DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU FIT IN. 197 00:07:59,433 --> 00:08:01,900 [LAUGHTER] 198 00:08:01,966 --> 00:08:06,766 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 199 00:08:06,833 --> 00:08:08,166 >> Bill: HOW DO YOU WORK WITH 200 00:08:08,233 --> 00:08:09,366 AN EGOMANIAC, THAT'S FOR EITHER 201 00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:11,533 ONE OF YOU. 202 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,933 >> AREN'T WE A COMEDY TEAM, IS 203 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,300 THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF US? 204 00:08:15,366 --> 00:08:17,466 I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING A 205 00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:17,766 COMEDY TEAM. 206 00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:19,133 >> Bill: YOU WORK TOGETHER ON 207 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,666 STAGE -- 208 00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:24,533 >> WE WORK TOGETHER A LOT, WE 209 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,800 DID FIVE MOVIES TOGETHER, WE 210 00:08:25,866 --> 00:08:27,166 WORKED A LOT TOGETHER BUT UP 211 00:08:27,233 --> 00:08:27,866 UNTIL SEVEN YEARS AGO, WE 212 00:08:27,933 --> 00:08:30,900 HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIFE. 213 00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:32,300 >> Bill: IT NEVER USUALLY 214 00:08:32,366 --> 00:08:33,000 HAPPENS THAT WAY WHERE THEY GET 215 00:08:33,066 --> 00:08:34,500 TOGETHER AT THE END, USUALLY 216 00:08:34,566 --> 00:08:36,366 THEY ARE A COMEDY TEAM AND THEY 217 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:37,533 SPLIT UP, YOU WERE DOING THE 218 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,900 REVERSE. 219 00:08:39,966 --> 00:08:43,100 >> I SEE, THAT'S INTERESTING. 220 00:08:43,166 --> 00:08:44,533 >> Bill: THAT'S INTERESTING. 221 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,033 >> I THINK WE ARE AN INTERESTING 222 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:50,633 TEAM BECAUSE MARTY IS A CROONER, 223 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:51,200 HE SINGS BEAUTIFUL SONGS, I 224 00:08:51,266 --> 00:08:54,833 PLAYED THE BANJO, NO FIT, HE 225 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:56,700 DOES CHARACTERS COME I DON'T DO 226 00:08:56,766 --> 00:08:57,333 CHARACTERS, HE DOES VOICES COME 227 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,300 I DON'T DO VOICES, I HAVE THAT 228 00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:04,566 CERTAIN SOMETHING. 229 00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:06,966 [LAUGHTER] 230 00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:10,366 >> Bill: SORRY... 231 00:09:10,433 --> 00:09:14,266 >> I KIND OF CARRY THIS ACT. 232 00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:16,733 >> IF YOU CALL CARRYING ME 233 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,066 DRAGGING YOU. 234 00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:17,900 >> Bill: YOU INSULT EACH OTHER 235 00:09:17,966 --> 00:09:22,966 WHICH SEEMS T TO BE THE WAY 236 00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:24,200 COMEDIANS SHOW EACH OTHER 237 00:09:24,266 --> 00:09:25,300 AFFECTION, IN THE BEGINNING OF 238 00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:26,200 YOUR SHOW THAT'S A LOT OF THE 239 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,066 BEGINNING AND NO ONE IS BUYING 240 00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:30,133 IT, WE KNOW YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. 241 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,633 >> DON'T FRIENDS DO THAT, ALL 242 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:32,900 FRIENDS? 243 00:09:32,966 --> 00:09:35,966 >> Bill: NOT ALL FRIENDS, YOUR 244 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:36,200 FRIENDS. 245 00:09:36,266 --> 00:09:36,733 DON'T YOU THINK? 246 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:37,933 I DON'T THINK ALL FRIENDS DO 247 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,700 THAT'S COME INSULT EACH OTHER? 248 00:09:39,766 --> 00:09:41,766 >> THEY BRAG EACH OTHER, ON EACH 249 00:09:41,833 --> 00:09:47,300 OTHER, BUST EACH OTHER'S BALLS. 250 00:09:47,366 --> 00:09:48,900 >> Bill: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT 251 00:09:48,966 --> 00:09:50,300 YOUR SHOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU 252 00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:51,500 WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHOW. 253 00:09:51,566 --> 00:09:55,266 >> COULDN'T CARE LESS. 254 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:56,600 >> Bill: ONLY MURDERERS IN THE 255 00:09:56,666 --> 00:09:59,366 BUILDING, WHY IS MURDER FUNNY? 256 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:01,166 IT IS SO FUNNY IN YOUR SHOW 257 00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:01,666 BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT IT 258 00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:04,933 WOULDN'T BE. 259 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,700 >> THERE'S A HUGE HISTORY OF 260 00:10:07,766 --> 00:10:10,066 CRIME GOING BACK EVEN BEFORE 261 00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:15,100 THIS SHOW. 262 00:10:15,166 --> 00:10:16,500 >> Bill: WOW. 263 00:10:16,566 --> 00:10:17,966 >> EVEN THE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO 264 00:10:18,033 --> 00:10:19,900 MOVIES WERE ABOUT SOMEBODY 265 00:10:19,966 --> 00:10:21,066 GETTING MURDERED BY A 266 00:10:21,133 --> 00:10:21,400 FRANKENSTEIN. 267 00:10:21,466 --> 00:10:22,400 >> Bill: THERE'S SO MANY 268 00:10:22,466 --> 00:10:24,700 PODCASTS ABOUT MURDER. 269 00:10:24,766 --> 00:10:26,233 >> THAT'S WHAT'S INTERESTING 270 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:27,866 ABOUT THE SHOW, IT COMBINES THE 271 00:10:27,933 --> 00:10:30,266 OBSESSION WITH CRIME AND MURDER 272 00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:30,600 AND PODCASTS. 273 00:10:30,666 --> 00:10:34,566 >> THE SHOW ACTUALLY CAME UP TWO 274 00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:37,533 YEARS AGO AND PODCASTS IN THAT 275 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,533 INTERIM GREW AND THE PODCASTS 276 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,700 WERE ALWAYS A BIT A PART OF IT 277 00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:44,533 AND NOW WE ARE WRITING A WAVE OF 278 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,933 PODCASTS LIGHT. 279 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,466 >> Bill: WHAT YOU MAKE A BET? 280 00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:50,100 I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE 281 00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:52,466 UNDER 40, IT SEEMS LIKE THEIR 282 00:10:52,533 --> 00:10:53,800 ATTENTION SPAN IS EITHER THREE 283 00:10:53,866 --> 00:10:57,066 SECONDS OR FOUR HOURS. 284 00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:57,700 BECAUSE THE PODCASTS GO ON TOO 285 00:10:57,766 --> 00:10:59,733 LONG FOR ME. 286 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,433 >> I CAN TELL YOU, PODCASTS ARE 287 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,066 PERFECT FOR DOING TWO THINGS AT 288 00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:04,266 ONCE. 289 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:07,366 I HAVE A BICYCLE AND A PODCAST 290 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,100 I'M DOING TWO THINGS AT ONCE BUT 291 00:11:09,166 --> 00:11:10,200 IF I WERE GOING TO SIT AND 292 00:11:10,266 --> 00:11:10,833 LISTEN TO A PODCAST I WOULD BE 293 00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:15,066 ABLE TO DO IT. 294 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,100 ALSO YOU LISTEN TO A PODCAST 295 00:11:16,166 --> 00:11:18,766 WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR 296 00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:21,266 CHILD. 297 00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,833 [LAUGHTER] 298 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:24,100 [APPLAUSE] 299 00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:25,766 OR WHEN I'M TALKING TO MARTY, I 300 00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:27,166 SAY IF HE WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING 301 00:11:27,233 --> 00:11:30,433 I PUT A PODCAST ON. 302 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:31,633 >> Bill: LET'S TALK 303 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:32,233 GENERATIONS. 304 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,266 YOUR COSTAR IN THIS IS 305 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,033 SELENA GOMEZ WHO IS FANTASTIC, I 306 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:36,300 KNOW. 307 00:11:36,366 --> 00:11:38,966 IF YOU KNOW HER MUSIC? 308 00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:39,966 >> ABSOLUTELY >> Bill: I WANT 309 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,733 TO LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG -- 310 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:43,633 I'M ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW MUSIC 311 00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:45,566 THAT SOUNDS OF IT COULD'VE BEEN 312 00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,500 A HIT IN ANY DECADE, THAT'S ONE, 313 00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:49,666 THAT'S A GREAT RECORD. 314 00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:52,566 >> SHE'S SO GOOD IN THE SHOW AND 315 00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:53,466 SHE'S FANTASTIC, WE GET ALONG 316 00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:56,866 GREAT AND SHE'S A GREAT ACTRESS. 317 00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,933 AND SHE PUTS ON HER PILLS IN THE 318 00:11:59,000 --> 00:11:59,166 MORNING. 319 00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:01,133 THE FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING -- I 320 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,166 DON'T KNOW IF SHE KNEW, SHE SAID 321 00:12:04,233 --> 00:12:09,566 I'M SUCH A BIG FAN JUDY DENCH! 322 00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:15,700 >> Bill: SEE WHAT I MEAN! 323 00:12:15,766 --> 00:12:16,933 I LOVE THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN THE 324 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,366 MILLENNIAL AND TWO BOOMERS, 325 00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:19,800 THESE GENERATIONS ALWAYS SEEMS 326 00:12:19,866 --> 00:12:21,866 TO BE FEUDING, SOMEHOW GEN X 327 00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:22,533 WHICH ARE IN THE MIDDLE GET A 328 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,133 PASS ON THIS AT THE BOOMERS ARE 329 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,333 ALWAYS HEARING IT FROM THE 330 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,200 MILLENNIALS THAT WE RUINED THE 331 00:12:27,266 --> 00:12:30,500 WORLD, WE TOOK ALL THE JOB -- 332 00:12:30,566 --> 00:12:34,600 >> HAS IT ALL WOULD BEEN THAT 333 00:12:34,666 --> 00:12:35,700 WAY? 334 00:12:35,766 --> 00:12:37,933 YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT DOING THE 335 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,800 SMOTHERS BROTHERS. 336 00:12:41,866 --> 00:12:44,366 >> THAT'S WHY MY HEART BROKE 337 00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:46,000 BECAUSE THEY SAID YOU WERE ON 338 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,233 THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS STAGE, 339 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:52,100 THAT'S THE CAROL BURNETT STAGE! 340 00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:52,666 ANYWAY -- 341 00:12:52,733 --> 00:12:53,066 [LAUGHTER] 342 00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:54,300 WHEN I FIRST STARTED WRITING 343 00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:56,366 HERE I WAS 21 YEARS OLD OF THE 344 00:12:56,433 --> 00:12:58,066 REASON I GOT HIRED AT 21 YEARS 345 00:12:58,133 --> 00:12:59,633 OLD, THE MANTRA OF THE DAY WAS 346 00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,533 NEVER TRUST ANYONE OVER 30. 347 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,533 THE WANTED YOUNG WRITERS. 348 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,833 THE WRITERS THEY HAD WERE GREAT, 349 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:08,366 THEY WROTE FOR JACK BENNY AND OF 350 00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:09,133 COURSE THEY LOOKED AT US 351 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,000 SIDEWAYS, THESE KIDS COMING IN 352 00:13:12,066 --> 00:13:15,366 AND THEY WERE TOLERANT AND THEY 353 00:13:15,433 --> 00:13:17,066 WERE GREAT WRITERS. 354 00:13:17,133 --> 00:13:18,766 >> Bill: THAT SHOW, DO YOU 355 00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:22,066 REMEMBER THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS 356 00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:22,266 SHOW? 357 00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:26,633 IT SHOULD BE, THEY SHOULD HAVE A 358 00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,733 LEGACY RATER THAN THEY HAVE COME 359 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:29,266 AND CHANGE THE DISCOURSE. 360 00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:32,333 >> IT WAS BRILLIANT. 361 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:33,866 >> Bill: I WANT TO ASK ABOUT 362 00:13:33,933 --> 00:13:35,500 AGES AND BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD AND 363 00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:40,833 I'M OLD, IT PISSES ME OFF THAT 364 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,900 THIS IS THE LAST ACCEPTABLE 365 00:13:42,966 --> 00:13:44,433 PREJUDICE, PEOPLE CAN ALWAYS SAY 366 00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:45,433 THEY DON'T LIKE ANYTHING YOU DO, 367 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:47,800 YOUR OLD. 368 00:13:47,866 --> 00:13:49,600 >> ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE 369 00:13:49,666 --> 00:13:50,433 I'M STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE 370 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:57,500 GUY FROM UP? 371 00:13:57,566 --> 00:14:00,500 [LAUGHTER] 372 00:14:00,566 --> 00:14:00,766 [APPLAUSE] 373 00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:01,766 IT STARTS WITH THE GLASSES. 374 00:14:01,833 --> 00:14:03,133 >> I GOT NEW FRAMES AND I 375 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,700 REALIZED AS I WAS ABOUT TO WALK 376 00:14:05,766 --> 00:14:06,333 OUT HERE -- 377 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,466 >> Bill: AS WITH SO MANY 378 00:14:07,533 --> 00:14:08,466 THINGS, YOU WERE STILL AHEAD OF 379 00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:10,733 YOUR TIME AND PRESCIENT BECAUSE 380 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,866 YOU HAD THE WHITE HAIR WHEN YOU 381 00:14:12,933 --> 00:14:16,266 WERE THREE. 382 00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:17,300 >> I NEVER THOUGHT OF DYING MY 383 00:14:17,366 --> 00:14:20,100 HAIR ONCE. 384 00:14:20,166 --> 00:14:21,100 >> Bill: YOU LOOK LIKE STEVE 385 00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:24,033 MARTIN, LIKE HE ALWAYS LOOKED, 386 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,233 THAT'S A TRICK. 387 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:33,700 >> DO YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE HIM? 388 00:14:33,766 --> 00:14:35,866 >> Bill: TO BE THE ONLY ANSWER 389 00:14:35,933 --> 00:14:36,766 BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GETTING 390 00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:40,900 YOUNGER IS TO LEAN INTO IT. 391 00:14:40,966 --> 00:14:42,900 KIDS ATTACK ME, YOUR OLD AND I'M 392 00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,900 LIKE YEAH, BUT YOU'RE STUPID. 393 00:14:46,966 --> 00:14:48,266 MAYBE THAT'S WHY I KNOW SOME 394 00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:49,833 SHIT AND YOU DON'T. 395 00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:52,400 >> THAT'S LIKE US BACKSTAGE. 396 00:14:52,466 --> 00:14:59,766 >> I THINK YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY 397 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,900 RIGHT I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD 398 00:15:02,966 --> 00:15:03,300 HIDE ANYTHING -- 399 00:15:03,366 --> 00:15:05,533 >> THEN WHY DID YOU GO INTO MAKE 400 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:05,800 UP? 401 00:15:05,866 --> 00:15:08,466 >> ON THE WAY HERE, I SMILED AND 402 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,433 SOMETHING FELL OFF AND THEY 403 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,600 CAUGHT IT AND THEY HAD TO PATCH 404 00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:13,900 IT UP. 405 00:15:13,966 --> 00:15:14,433 BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. 406 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:14,700 [LAUGHTER] 407 00:15:14,766 --> 00:15:17,866 [APPLAUSE] 408 00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:19,033 >> I DON'T ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT 409 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:23,400 IT BUT WE ARE IN A DIFFERENT 410 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:23,833 SITUATION. 411 00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:25,266 I THINK ABOUT IT AS A PERSON BUT 412 00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:27,800 NOT AS A CELEBRITY OR AN ACTOR. 413 00:15:27,866 --> 00:15:28,366 >> Bill: IT'S SOMETHING THEY 414 00:15:28,433 --> 00:15:29,933 ATTACK YOU WITH. 415 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,466 ANYTHING YOU DO THAT DOESN'T 416 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,566 MEASURE UP, THEY WILL SAY WELL 417 00:15:35,633 --> 00:15:36,400 NOW HE'S TOO OLD TO. 418 00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:38,666 >> WE GET THAT A LITTLE BIT BUT 419 00:15:38,733 --> 00:15:39,300 IN FRIENDLY CONVERSATION WITH 420 00:15:39,366 --> 00:15:42,600 SELENA SHE WILL GO -- IT'S EVEN 421 00:15:42,666 --> 00:15:43,466 IN THE SHOW A LITTLE BIT, 422 00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:46,533 WRITTEN IN. 423 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,933 SHE INTRODUCED US TO A LOT OF 424 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,133 THINGS. 425 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,600 >> Bill: SONGS. 426 00:15:52,666 --> 00:15:54,000 >> TOLD THE STORY -- WHEN SHE 427 00:15:54,066 --> 00:15:57,500 WAS TEACHING READING ALL THE 428 00:15:57,566 --> 00:16:01,866 LYRICS TO WAP. 429 00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:05,800 >> Bill: TO WET ASS PUSSY? 430 00:16:05,866 --> 00:16:07,333 >> I WAS AWARE THAT KIND OF 431 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,133 MATERIAL WAS OUT THERE I DIDN'T 432 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,266 KNOW IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE HIT. 433 00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:12,066 SHE'S READING HIM ALL THE LYRICS 434 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:16,133 AND THEN I'M CALLED TO THE SET 435 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:22,466 AND STEVE COMES UP SAYS I JUST 436 00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:23,533 LEARNED THREE NEW VERSES TO TOP 437 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,000 HAT AND TAILS! 438 00:16:25,066 --> 00:16:26,600 >> Bill: WHAT DID YOU TAKE 439 00:16:26,666 --> 00:16:27,400 AWAY FROM WHAT SHE TAUGHT YOU? 440 00:16:27,466 --> 00:16:32,366 >> WHAT USED TO BE -- 441 00:16:32,433 --> 00:16:34,233 >> Bill: I MEAN ABOUT THE 442 00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,333 PUSSY ITSELF. 443 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,933 >> THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. 444 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,700 >> Bill: YOUNG COMICS, WHAT 445 00:16:42,766 --> 00:16:51,700 CAN WE DO TO H STOP -- HELP THE. 446 00:16:51,766 --> 00:16:52,566 [LAUGHTER] 447 00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:53,700 WHEN WE WERE STARTING UP, THERE 448 00:16:53,766 --> 00:16:55,700 WAS A PLACE CAN BE BAD, WORK AND 449 00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:56,900 IT COULD BE BAD NOW? 450 00:16:56,966 --> 00:17:01,600 >> THEY ALSO HAVE A SHORTER 451 00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:02,466 PRESENTATION. 452 00:17:02,533 --> 00:17:04,433 THEY MIGHT BE 30 SECONDS, YOU 453 00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:05,166 GET A CHANCE TO TEST SOMETHING 454 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,733 AND SEE IF IT WORKS. 455 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,766 I HAVE A RULE, I NEVER SAY "WHEN 456 00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:12,300 WE WERE KIDS, WE WERE SO MUCH 457 00:17:12,366 --> 00:17:14,600 BETTER." 458 00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:16,200 I HEARD THAT WHEN I WAS A KID 459 00:17:16,266 --> 00:17:17,866 AND I VOWED NOT TO DO IT BECAUSE 460 00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:18,600 LOOK AT ALL THE TALENT THAT'S 461 00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:22,533 OUT THERE. 462 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:28,533 >> ARE CLUBS -- ARE THEY STILL 463 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:28,766 POPULAR? 464 00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:29,566 >> Bill: THEY STILL ARE BUT 465 00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:31,933 PEOPLE GO IN THERE WITH PHONES 466 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,033 AND IF YOU TRY SOMETHING AND 467 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:35,833 IT'S A LITTLE OUT-OF-BOUNDS IT 468 00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:37,700 MAY BE ON TWITTER, YOU MAY BE 469 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,766 CANCELED BEFORE YOUR CAREER GETS 470 00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:40,233 STARTED. 471 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,433 THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, WE COULD BE 472 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:42,966 BAD IN WAYS AND TEST THE 473 00:17:43,033 --> 00:17:46,100 BOUNDARIES AND NO ONE KNEW UNTIL 474 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,066 WE GOT HIGHER UP AND STILL DID 475 00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:53,266 IT AND GOT IN TROUBLE. 476 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:53,533 [LAUGHTER] 477 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,633 >> I WAS A LITTLE BIT WITH CHRIS 478 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:56,733 ROCK ON THE OSCARS AND WE WENT 479 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,433 TO THE COMEDY STORE AND RUN IT 480 00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:00,700 AND WE WANTED TO DO THAT AND 481 00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:01,333 SOMEBODY WAS GOING TO FILM IT 482 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:02,900 AND THEY WILL POST IT AND IT 483 00:18:02,966 --> 00:18:03,266 WILL BE RUINED. 484 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,300 HE SAID THAT WILL BE GREAT. 485 00:18:05,366 --> 00:18:09,100 I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY. 486 00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:09,466 GOOD PUBLICITY. 487 00:18:09,533 --> 00:18:10,600 >> Bill: EXCEPT IF THEY HAD 488 00:18:10,666 --> 00:18:13,333 HEARD THE JOKES BEFORE, NOT SO 489 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,233 MUCH. 490 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,233 I COULD TALK TO YOU WILL NOT 491 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,466 COME I JUST WANTED TO SAY ONE OF 492 00:18:17,533 --> 00:18:19,066 THE GREAT THINGS BUT WATCHING 493 00:18:19,133 --> 00:18:24,733 YOU, I THINK AUDIENCES -- WE 494 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,200 LOVE IT WHEN WE SEE PEOPLE WHO 495 00:18:26,266 --> 00:18:27,100 WE LOVE AND WE CAN TELL THAT 496 00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:30,900 THERE GENUINE FRIENDS. 497 00:18:30,966 --> 00:18:33,533 WE SEE IT WITH BANDS, WE HATE IT 498 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,266 WHEN FANS BREAK UP. 499 00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:38,100 >> I HATED HEARING THAT THE 500 00:18:38,166 --> 00:18:38,833 EAGLES DIDN'T GET ALONG. 501 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,066 >> Bill: SIMON AND GARFUNKEL, 502 00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:43,766 WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE EACH OTHER? 503 00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:49,433 >> AND THE BEATLES BREAKING UP. 504 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,966 >> Bill: EXACTLY, I JUST WANT 505 00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:56,266 TO SAY I CAN SEE THE AFFECTION 506 00:18:56,333 --> 00:18:56,733 AND IT'S CONTAGIOUS. 507 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:02,733 >> I LOVE THIS WHITE-HAIRED GUY! 508 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:03,100 STEVE! 509 00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:06,233 BILL CAN SEE THE AFFECTION ON 510 00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:06,500 US! 511 00:19:06,566 --> 00:19:08,833 >> Bill: MARTIN AND MARTIN, 512 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:09,400 EVERYBODY! 513 00:19:09,466 --> 00:19:13,500 HULU, AUGUST 31ST! 514 00:19:13,566 --> 00:19:16,166 LET'S MEET OUR PANEL! 515 00:19:16,233 --> 00:19:16,633 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 516 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:21,600 ♪ ♪ 517 00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:24,533 THEY CAN MAKE FUN OF ME ALL THEY 518 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:25,300 WANT. 519 00:19:25,366 --> 00:19:26,733 >> THAT WAS GREAT! 520 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,066 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 521 00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,400 >> I WANT YOUR JOB ONE DAY, THAT 522 00:19:30,466 --> 00:19:31,800 WAS FUN. 523 00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:32,900 >> Bill: I DON'T USUALLY GET 524 00:19:32,966 --> 00:19:35,400 THAT KIND OF STAR POWER HERE. 525 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,300 HERE'S OUR PANEL. 526 00:19:37,366 --> 00:19:38,200 HE'S A NATIONAL CORRESPONDENT 527 00:19:38,266 --> 00:19:38,733 FOR VICE NEWS TONIGHT AND 528 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:39,600 CO-HOST OF "THE FIFTH COLUMN" 529 00:19:39,666 --> 00:19:43,633 PODCAST: MICHAEL MOYNIHAN. 530 00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:44,100 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 531 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,133 SHE'S A COLUMNIST FOR USA TODAY 532 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:50,100 AND CONTRIBUTOR TO ABC NEWS: 533 00:19:50,166 --> 00:19:52,600 OUR FRIEND, DONNA BRAZILE IS 534 00:19:52,666 --> 00:19:54,800 BACK HERE, ALWAYS LOOKING 535 00:19:54,866 --> 00:19:56,766 YOUNGER. 536 00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:59,400 >> YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? 537 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:02,266 LIKE OBAMA, BABY, I TURNED THAT 538 00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:03,833 GOLDEN 60. 539 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,566 >> Bill: YOU CAN PASS FOR 40. 540 00:20:06,633 --> 00:20:08,666 >> I STILL LIKE LIZ TAYLOR FEEL 541 00:20:08,733 --> 00:20:16,266 LIKE A CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF. 542 00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:16,733 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 543 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,000 [LAUGHTER] 544 00:20:17,066 --> 00:20:18,166 >> Bill: THAT WAS NOT A GOOD 545 00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:19,833 THING TO FEEL LIKE A CAT ON A 546 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:20,833 HOT TIN ROOF. 547 00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:22,600 >> YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KIND OF 548 00:20:22,666 --> 00:20:30,000 PUSSY YOU'RE DEALING WITH. 549 00:20:30,066 --> 00:20:34,366 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 550 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:34,833 [LAUGHTER] 551 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,500 >> HOLD MY HEAD A LITTLE BIT? 552 00:20:38,566 --> 00:20:40,566 >> Bill: THIS IS TURNING INTO 553 00:20:40,633 --> 00:20:44,600 A VERY AWKWARD TRANSITION, INTO 554 00:20:44,666 --> 00:20:47,433 A DISCUSSION OF AFGHANISTAN 555 00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:47,733 CONSTANT. 556 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,633 [LAUGHTER] 557 00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,033 WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THE 558 00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:53,200 WORLD THAT'S WHAT'S OCCUPIED MY 559 00:20:53,266 --> 00:20:54,066 MIND THIS WEEK, WE ALL KNEW 560 00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:57,900 THERE WOULD BE A COLLAPSE, IT'S 561 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,866 JUST -- SOMETIMES IT SHOULDN'T 562 00:20:59,933 --> 00:21:01,333 BE SHOCKING BECAUSE IT HAPPENED 563 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,400 IN VIETNAM BUT AT LEAST IN 564 00:21:02,466 --> 00:21:04,666 VIETNAM, IT TOOK A COUPLE OF 565 00:21:04,733 --> 00:21:05,266 YEARS, AFTER THE UNITED STATES 566 00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:07,433 PULLED OUT. 567 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,333 >> THE WHOLE THING TOOK LESS 568 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:11,533 TIME TOO. 569 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:12,766 THIS IS LONGER THAN VIETNAM. 570 00:21:12,833 --> 00:21:14,233 >> Bill: THE WAR WAS. 571 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:18,833 WE PULLED OUT, THIS WAS A REAL 572 00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:20,833 DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN 573 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:21,466 THE ASS. 574 00:21:21,533 --> 00:21:23,300 WE WERE ALWAYS DESTINED TO LOSE, 575 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:24,300 I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE KNEW 576 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:25,400 THAT FROM THE BEGINNING OR SOME 577 00:21:25,466 --> 00:21:30,233 PEOPLE DID, THE TELL A MAN ARE 578 00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:31,100 LIKE CHILD MOLESTERS, YOU CAN 579 00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:32,800 PUT THEM IN PRISON FOR TEN 580 00:21:32,866 --> 00:21:34,766 YEARS, 20, 100, WHEN THEY GET 581 00:21:34,833 --> 00:21:36,233 OUT, THEY'RE GOING TO DO IT 582 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:36,433 AGAIN. 583 00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:41,866 THEY BURNED DOWN GIRLS SCHOOLS 584 00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:43,433 BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT. 585 00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:44,233 >> OLD SCHOOL. 586 00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:45,100 >> Bill: OLD SCHOOL IS A VERY 587 00:21:45,166 --> 00:21:47,400 CHARITABLE WAY OF TALKING ABOUT 588 00:21:47,466 --> 00:21:48,466 THAT. 589 00:21:48,533 --> 00:21:49,866 BUT I THOUGHT WHY DO WE LIKE IT? 590 00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:52,233 I WAS READING ABOUT THE MONEY, 591 00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:54,166 OF COURSE THE LIVES OF THE MOST 592 00:21:54,233 --> 00:21:55,266 IMPORTANT THING ABOUT WHAT 593 00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:56,366 HAPPENED IN AFGHANISTAN, BUT 594 00:21:56,433 --> 00:21:58,466 ALSO, WE DON'T LOSE WARS -- WE 595 00:21:58,533 --> 00:22:02,000 DON'T LOSE WARS, WE DON'T LOSE 596 00:22:02,066 --> 00:22:02,500 PROFITS, THE TEN RICHEST 597 00:22:02,566 --> 00:22:04,066 COUNTIES IN THE U.S. ARE ALL -- 598 00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:08,000 SEVEN OF THE TEN OF THE TEN 599 00:22:08,066 --> 00:22:08,666 RICHEST COUNTIES, ALL OUTSIDE OF 600 00:22:08,733 --> 00:22:12,400 WASHINGTON, D.C. 601 00:22:12,466 --> 00:22:14,033 LOUDOUN COUNTY, FALLS CHURCH, 602 00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,500 FAIRFAX COUNTY, FAIRFAX CITY, 603 00:22:15,566 --> 00:22:16,500 HOWARD COUNTY, ARLINGTON COUNTY, 604 00:22:16,566 --> 00:22:17,866 WHY IS THAT? 605 00:22:17,933 --> 00:22:20,033 IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE 606 00:22:20,100 --> 00:22:20,300 MONEY IS. 607 00:22:20,366 --> 00:22:21,833 >> WHEN WE STARTED THIS WAR, 608 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:23,633 OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM. 609 00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:27,400 WE WERE SPENDING ABOUT 610 00:22:27,466 --> 00:22:28,300 $200 BILLION AND SOME CHANGE IN 611 00:22:28,366 --> 00:22:32,000 MILITARY, WHAT IS IT UP TO NOW, 612 00:22:32,066 --> 00:22:32,400 700, 800 BILLION? 613 00:22:32,466 --> 00:22:33,033 THAT'S ONE PART OF THE BUDGET WE 614 00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:35,800 HAVE NOT CUT. 615 00:22:35,866 --> 00:22:37,266 THERE WAS A SLOW DOWN AT ONE 616 00:22:37,333 --> 00:22:38,233 PERIOD BUT WE'VE BEEN SPENDING A 617 00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:39,433 LOT OF MONEY, WHEN YOU LOOK AT 618 00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:41,566 THOSE OUTLYING COUNTIES, THOSE 619 00:22:41,633 --> 00:22:44,400 ARE DEFENSE CONTRACTORS, 620 00:22:44,466 --> 00:22:45,600 LOBBYISTS, ET CETERA. 621 00:22:45,666 --> 00:22:45,900 $1 TRILLION. 622 00:22:45,966 --> 00:22:47,033 >> Bill: ALL THE MONEY THAT 623 00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,700 TRICKLES DOWN TO ALL THE PIGS AT 624 00:22:49,766 --> 00:22:52,900 THE TROUGH, WE MAY LOSE WARS BUT 625 00:22:52,966 --> 00:22:54,433 THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT LOSING 626 00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:54,633 MONEY. 627 00:22:54,700 --> 00:23:02,300 >> HELL NO. 628 00:23:02,366 --> 00:23:03,266 WE'RE LOSING SOMETHING ELSE. 629 00:23:03,333 --> 00:23:05,433 IN ADDITION TO GOING INTO 630 00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:07,233 AFGHANISTAN TO BRING SOME DEGREE 631 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:09,233 OF NORMALCY TO A COUNTRY THAT 632 00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:11,200 WAS NEVER NORMAL, WE DECIDED IT 633 00:23:11,266 --> 00:23:12,400 WAS IMPORTANT TO GO AFTER THE 634 00:23:12,466 --> 00:23:15,466 PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED US ON 9/11, 635 00:23:15,533 --> 00:23:16,100 RIGHT? 636 00:23:16,166 --> 00:23:16,800 WE DECIDED IT WAS IMPORTANT TO 637 00:23:16,866 --> 00:23:18,633 MAKE SURE IT WAS NOT A 638 00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:20,600 SAFE HAVEN AGAIN FOR TERRORISTS, 639 00:23:20,666 --> 00:23:20,800 RIGHT? 640 00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:23,300 WHAT ARE WE DOING NOW? 641 00:23:23,366 --> 00:23:24,933 WE ALSO TRIED TO DO SOME 642 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:25,800 REBUILDING, TRAIN THEIR ARMY, 643 00:23:25,866 --> 00:23:29,633 HELP WOMEN AND GIRLS, WE DEALT 644 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:30,866 WITH THE HUMANITARIAN CRISIS, AT 645 00:23:30,933 --> 00:23:31,866 THE END OF THE DAY, THE 646 00:23:31,933 --> 00:23:42,866 TELEVANGELWAITEDUS OUT. 647 00:23:42,933 --> 00:23:44,600 WHEN HE SIGNED A DEAL, HE SIGNED 648 00:23:44,666 --> 00:23:46,000 A DEAL WITH PRECONDITIONS, HE 649 00:23:46,066 --> 00:23:47,800 GAVE THEM A DATE AND A DEADLINE 650 00:23:47,866 --> 00:23:48,500 AND JOE BIDEN'S HANDS ARE TIED 651 00:23:48,566 --> 00:23:51,833 AND HE'S SAYING WE ARE OUT. 652 00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:54,200 >> I NEVER WANT TO BE THE 653 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:54,766 POSITION OF DEFENDING 654 00:23:54,833 --> 00:23:56,233 DONALD TRUMP, THERE'S NOT A LOT 655 00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:57,166 YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE 656 00:23:57,233 --> 00:23:59,633 NEGOTIATING WITH THE TABILAN. 657 00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:01,066 THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE 658 00:24:01,133 --> 00:24:03,466 BIFURCATED THIS IS THE GO TO 659 00:24:03,533 --> 00:24:05,466 TABILAN, THE BAD TABILAN -- IN 660 00:24:05,533 --> 00:24:08,433 PAKISTAN, THEY ARE ALL BAD. 661 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:09,666 THE SECOND YOU ENTER 662 00:24:09,733 --> 00:24:10,333 NEGOTIATIONS WITH SEVENTH 663 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,300 CENTURY PSYCHOPATHS, YOU HAVE TO 664 00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:12,466 UNDERSTAND THEY ARE NEVER GOING 665 00:24:12,533 --> 00:24:15,733 TO ABIDE BY ANYTHING. 666 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:19,033 IT'S TEN CITIES, 12 CITIES 667 00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:21,366 ALREADY, I'M THINKING THIS 668 00:24:21,433 --> 00:24:23,000 MORNING, WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT 669 00:24:23,066 --> 00:24:27,400 ON 9/11, 20 YEARS AFTER THOSE 670 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,000 ATTACKS, THE PEOPLE WHO LAUNCH 671 00:24:29,066 --> 00:24:30,166 THOSE ATTACKS WERE HARBORED IN 672 00:24:30,233 --> 00:24:31,466 THAT COUNTRY ARE GOING TO BE 673 00:24:31,533 --> 00:24:34,900 RETAKING FUCKING COBBLE. 674 00:24:34,966 --> 00:24:38,066 THAT REALLY RUBS IT IN YOUR FAC 675 00:24:38,133 --> 00:24:38,266 FACE. 676 00:24:38,333 --> 00:24:40,033 >> MORE DISCIPLES, THEY'RE 677 00:24:40,100 --> 00:24:41,566 FINALLY CAPTURING ALL THE BASES 678 00:24:41,633 --> 00:24:43,300 AND ALL OF THE TANKS BUT THEY 679 00:24:43,366 --> 00:24:45,900 ARE WRITING A MOTORCYCLE. 680 00:24:45,966 --> 00:24:47,633 A LOT OF THE WARLORDS ARE SAYING 681 00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:49,400 THROW IN THE TOWEL AND I READ 682 00:24:49,466 --> 00:24:50,166 SOMEWHERE THAT THE 683 00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:50,933 VICE PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY 684 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,600 HAS ALREADY LEFT AND WENT TO ONE 685 00:24:53,666 --> 00:25:04,066 OF THOSE STANES. 686 00:25:04,133 --> 00:25:04,800 >> DOES WHAT? 687 00:25:04,866 --> 00:25:11,166 >> TAJIKISTAN -- I'M NOT GOING 688 00:25:11,233 --> 00:25:15,233 ANYWHERE, IF I CAN'T SMOKE AND 689 00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:18,666 DRINK, HELL WITH YOU. 690 00:25:18,733 --> 00:25:20,866 THAT'S WHY I SAY THEY ARE SCHOO 691 00:25:20,933 --> 00:25:26,966 SCHOOL. 692 00:25:27,033 --> 00:25:28,833 >> Bill: THIS IS THE MOST 693 00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:29,466 DIFFICULT THING, WHAT THEY ARE 694 00:25:29,533 --> 00:25:32,566 GOING TO DO TO THE WOMEN. 695 00:25:32,633 --> 00:25:36,866 IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THUS. 696 00:25:36,933 --> 00:25:37,600 JOE BIDEN, HE WAS AGAINST THIS 697 00:25:37,666 --> 00:25:41,466 BACK IN 2009. 698 00:25:41,533 --> 00:25:45,533 IT WAS OBAMA AND BUSH WHO 699 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:46,700 THOUGHT OH, SERGE, WE'LL SURGE, 700 00:25:46,766 --> 00:25:47,266 LIKE THAT WAS EVER GOING TO 701 00:25:47,333 --> 00:25:50,200 CHANGE ANYTHING. 702 00:25:50,266 --> 00:25:51,966 THE CHOICE WAS EITHER STAY THERE 703 00:25:52,033 --> 00:25:56,766 FOREVER TO PROTECT WOMEN OR 704 00:25:56,833 --> 00:25:57,966 THIS. 705 00:25:58,033 --> 00:25:58,600 >> THOSE THINGS CAN WORK IN THE 706 00:25:58,666 --> 00:26:04,833 SHORT TERM, THEY DID IN IRAQ BUT 707 00:26:04,900 --> 00:26:06,800 THE PROBLEM IS WE CAN WIN WARS 708 00:26:06,866 --> 00:26:07,833 IF IT JUST MEANS BEATING BAD 709 00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:09,033 GUYS AND THAT'S IT BUT BEATING 710 00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:10,466 BAD GUYS AND STAYING AROUND AND 711 00:26:10,533 --> 00:26:11,533 KEEPING THAT INFRASTRUCTURE AND 712 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,433 MAKING SURE IT BLOSSOMS INTO 713 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,500 SOCIETY, THIS IS NOT 1945, THAT 714 00:26:15,566 --> 00:26:16,366 WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN AND 715 00:26:16,433 --> 00:26:19,066 YOU SEE THESE LISTS, SOME OF 716 00:26:19,133 --> 00:26:20,200 THEM ARE HEARTENING AND 717 00:26:20,266 --> 00:26:21,300 IMPRESSIVE ABOUT WHAT HAS 718 00:26:21,366 --> 00:26:22,833 HAPPENED IN AFGHANISTAN OVER THE 719 00:26:22,900 --> 00:26:24,466 PAST 20 YEARS, THE NUMBER OF 720 00:26:24,533 --> 00:26:25,866 GIRLS WHO GO TO SCHOOL -- YES, 721 00:26:25,933 --> 00:26:26,466 IT'S ALL GONE NOW, IT'S ALL 722 00:26:26,533 --> 00:26:28,800 GOING AWAY. 723 00:26:28,866 --> 00:26:31,200 I'M GLAD THERE WAS A GENERATION 724 00:26:31,266 --> 00:26:32,033 FOR 20 YEARS NEVER KNOWING THE 725 00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:32,633 TALIBAN BUT THEY ARE ABOUT TO 726 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:35,800 KNOW WHAT AGAIN. 727 00:26:35,866 --> 00:26:36,600 >> Bill: WHEN THEY VOTED ON 728 00:26:36,666 --> 00:26:38,100 THIS IN 2001, THERE WAS ONE 729 00:26:38,166 --> 00:26:43,066 PERSON IN CONGRESS, BARBARA LEE. 730 00:26:43,133 --> 00:26:46,033 ONE PERSON, LIKE THE MOVIE 12 731 00:26:46,100 --> 00:26:46,666 ANGRY MEN. 732 00:26:46,733 --> 00:26:48,200 SOMETIMES JUST ONE PERSON IS 733 00:26:48,266 --> 00:26:48,766 RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS 734 00:26:48,833 --> 00:26:52,466 FUCKING WRONG. 735 00:26:52,533 --> 00:26:54,366 >> WHAT A GREAT WOMAN OF 736 00:26:54,433 --> 00:26:54,600 COURAGE. 737 00:26:54,666 --> 00:26:55,533 >> Bill: SHE VOTED AGAINST THE 738 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:56,966 WAR. 739 00:26:57,033 --> 00:27:01,400 >> THE AFGHAN GOVERNMENT HAS TO 740 00:27:01,466 --> 00:27:03,366 SHORE UP SOME OF THIS 741 00:27:03,433 --> 00:27:03,966 RESPONSIBILITY, THEY ARE 742 00:27:04,033 --> 00:27:04,200 CORRUPT. 743 00:27:04,266 --> 00:27:05,833 >> Bill: IT'S OVER, THERE IS 744 00:27:05,900 --> 00:27:07,466 NO MORE AFGHAN GOVERNMENT AND 745 00:27:07,533 --> 00:27:09,600 THERE NEVER COULD BECOME A 746 00:27:09,666 --> 00:27:10,800 CLIENT STATE RULED 7,000 MILES 747 00:27:10,866 --> 00:27:11,900 AWAY FROM PEOPLE WITH A 748 00:27:11,966 --> 00:27:14,833 DIFFERENT CULTURE AND RELIGION, 749 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:16,866 AFTER VIETNAM, WHY WE THOUGHT WE 750 00:27:16,933 --> 00:27:18,100 COULD JUST -- WE DON'T LEARN. 751 00:27:18,166 --> 00:27:20,400 WE JUST DON'T LEARN. 752 00:27:20,466 --> 00:27:27,800 THIS THING ABOUT THE MONEY, IT'S 753 00:27:27,866 --> 00:27:29,333 LIKE NOW WE HAVE A $1 TRILLION 754 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,333 INFRASTRUCTURE BILL, WE NEED TO 755 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,266 REBUILD INFRASTRUCTURE. 756 00:27:33,333 --> 00:27:35,200 ON TOP OF THAT, THEY WANT 757 00:27:35,266 --> 00:27:36,733 ANOTHER, THE DEMOCRATS WANT AND 758 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,666 MAY GET 3.5 TRILLION, THAT'S THE 759 00:27:39,733 --> 00:27:41,233 SECOND INFRASTRUCTURE, I'M SURE 760 00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:42,200 THERE ARE A LOT OF WORTHY THINGS 761 00:27:42,266 --> 00:27:44,600 IN THERE BUT IF YOU ASK ME WHAT 762 00:27:44,666 --> 00:27:46,766 CONFIDENCE THAT YOU HAVE THAT 763 00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:49,433 THESE NUMBERS TRILLION FOR THE 764 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:52,300 FIRST BILL, 3.5 TRILLION FOR THE 765 00:27:52,366 --> 00:27:53,733 OTHER BILL ARE WHAT SHIT 766 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:54,100 ACTUALLY COSTS? 767 00:27:54,166 --> 00:27:57,433 I WOULD SAY NONE. 768 00:27:57,500 --> 00:27:58,800 WE JUST MAKE NUMBERS AND PULL 769 00:27:58,866 --> 00:28:01,466 THEM OUT OF OUR ASS. 770 00:28:01,533 --> 00:28:02,133 WE DID IT IN AFGHANISTAN, WE DO 771 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,666 IT HERE. 772 00:28:04,733 --> 00:28:07,433 IF THE SECOND BILL COSTS 773 00:28:07,500 --> 00:28:08,233 $350 BILLION IT'S STILL A LOT AS 774 00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:10,000 OPPOSED TO 3.5 TRILLION, WOULD 775 00:28:10,066 --> 00:28:12,066 IT BE ANY DIFFERENT? 776 00:28:12,133 --> 00:28:12,400 I DON'T KNOW. 777 00:28:12,466 --> 00:28:14,466 >> NUMBERS ARE MEANINGLESS TO 778 00:28:14,533 --> 00:28:15,866 PEOPLE, TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS 779 00:28:15,933 --> 00:28:17,900 NEEDS NOTHING. 780 00:28:17,966 --> 00:28:21,133 IT'S A THOUSAND BILLION. 781 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,100 >> FOR A COLLAPSED BRIDGE AND 782 00:28:22,166 --> 00:28:25,566 FOR HAVING A 1933 RAIL SYSTEM. 783 00:28:25,633 --> 00:28:27,833 BY THE TIME I GET TO NEW YORK -- 784 00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:29,800 >> Bill: I KNOW WE NEED TO DO 785 00:28:29,866 --> 00:28:31,466 THAT, BUT DOES IT COST WHAT THEY 786 00:28:31,533 --> 00:28:32,266 ARE SAYING IT COSTS? 787 00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:33,366 OR IS IT ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND 788 00:28:33,433 --> 00:28:35,700 COUNTIES AROUND WASHINGTON 789 00:28:35,766 --> 00:28:36,433 MAKING THOSE NUMBERS UP AND 790 00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:40,266 GETTING THAT MONEY? 791 00:28:40,333 --> 00:28:42,900 >> IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE. 792 00:28:42,966 --> 00:28:44,833 >> THERE'S ALWAYS MORE MONEY TO 793 00:28:44,900 --> 00:28:45,633 BE HAD. 794 00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:47,600 >> THERE ARE A LOT OF GOOD 795 00:28:47,666 --> 00:28:48,266 PEOPLE AROUND THAT BELTWAY AND I 796 00:28:48,333 --> 00:28:49,566 HAVE TO SPEAK UP FOR THEM 797 00:28:49,633 --> 00:28:51,633 BECAUSE I LIVE WITHIN THE 798 00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:53,400 BELTWAY. 799 00:28:53,466 --> 00:28:54,600 I LIVE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., I'M 800 00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:56,800 A CITY GIRL, YOU KNOW WHAT I 801 00:28:56,866 --> 00:28:58,966 MEAN? 802 00:28:59,033 --> 00:29:04,300 BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T LOBBIED 803 00:29:04,366 --> 00:29:06,700 BUT YOU GAVE ME A REASON WHY I 804 00:29:06,766 --> 00:29:06,966 SHOULD. 805 00:29:07,033 --> 00:29:10,066 >> Bill: IS NOT JUST LOBBIES. 806 00:29:10,133 --> 00:29:13,633 >> I KNOW, BABY, I KNOW. 807 00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:17,466 MAYBE YOU CAN COME VISIT MY DIGS 808 00:29:17,533 --> 00:29:20,100 ONCE I GET THOSE GIGS. 809 00:29:20,166 --> 00:29:23,566 >> Bill: MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO A 810 00:29:23,633 --> 00:29:24,333 SHOW WITH STEVE MARTIN. 811 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:27,166 >> HE HAS THE ORIGINAL HAIR! 812 00:29:27,233 --> 00:29:28,833 >> Bill: AGAIN, AWKWARD 813 00:29:28,900 --> 00:29:30,566 TRANSITION TO CLIMATE CHANGE. 814 00:29:30,633 --> 00:29:33,333 >> I'M ALWAYS HOT, HONEY. 815 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,000 >> Bill: "I'M ALWAYS HOT." 816 00:29:36,066 --> 00:29:42,433 >> COME ON, SUGAR, LAY IT ON US! 817 00:29:42,500 --> 00:29:43,766 >> Bill: HOW DO YOU YOUR 818 00:29:43,833 --> 00:29:45,600 SALTS? 819 00:29:45,666 --> 00:29:46,333 >> YOU KNOW WHAT I DID IN THE 820 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,966 BACK ROOM? 821 00:29:48,033 --> 00:29:51,600 HE HAS SOME LIQUOR. 822 00:29:51,666 --> 00:29:52,433 >> Bill: WHO DOES? 823 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:55,500 >> THIS BROTHER. 824 00:29:55,566 --> 00:29:57,800 >> ME? 825 00:29:57,866 --> 00:30:00,000 >> I SAID I'LL GIVE YOU MY TWO 826 00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:00,933 CLEAR BOTTLES OF LIQUOR IF YOU 827 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:02,833 GIVE ME THAT BROWN LIQUOR, WE 828 00:30:02,900 --> 00:30:03,433 MADE A SWAP. 829 00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:07,866 >> YOU DRINK IT, OBVIOUSLY. 830 00:30:07,933 --> 00:30:10,700 >> I WOULD NEVER DRINK BEFORE A 831 00:30:10,766 --> 00:30:10,900 SHOW! 832 00:30:10,966 --> 00:30:13,300 >> Bill: I DO! 833 00:30:13,366 --> 00:30:17,000 [LAUGHTER] 834 00:30:17,066 --> 00:30:18,400 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 835 00:30:18,466 --> 00:30:20,900 >> I'M GONNA WHAT MY WHISTLE. 836 00:30:20,966 --> 00:30:24,500 >> Bill: I SAVE MY DRUNK FOR 837 00:30:24,566 --> 00:30:27,833 THE PEOPLE I REALLY CARE ABOUT! 838 00:30:27,900 --> 00:30:30,766 U.N. CLIMATE REPORT. 839 00:30:30,833 --> 00:30:32,966 IT'S SO DEPRESSING, I'M GLAD WE 840 00:30:33,033 --> 00:30:33,800 ARE LAUGHING. 841 00:30:33,866 --> 00:30:34,133 >> THANK YOU. 842 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,166 >> Bill: BECAUSE THE WORLD IS 843 00:30:36,233 --> 00:30:38,166 DYING. 844 00:30:38,233 --> 00:30:43,200 LINDA MEANS, SENIOR CLIMATE 845 00:30:43,266 --> 00:30:44,366 SCIENTISTS GUARANTEED IT'S GOING 846 00:30:44,433 --> 00:30:46,266 TO GET WORSE, I DON'T SEE 847 00:30:46,333 --> 00:30:47,700 ANYWHERE THAT'S SAFE, NOWHERE TO 848 00:30:47,766 --> 00:30:49,333 RUN, NOWHERE TO HIDE, HAVE A 849 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:50,966 GOOD SUMMER. 850 00:30:51,033 --> 00:30:51,300 [LAUGHTER] 851 00:30:51,366 --> 00:30:53,233 'S LATEST REPORT, THIS IS WHAT 852 00:30:53,300 --> 00:30:54,966 DEPRESSES ME. 853 00:30:55,033 --> 00:30:56,400 234 SCIENTISTS, 14,000 STUDIES 854 00:30:56,466 --> 00:30:58,233 COME I FEEL LIKE DEJA VU. 855 00:30:58,300 --> 00:30:59,866 I FEEL LIKE I HAVE READ THIS 856 00:30:59,933 --> 00:31:00,866 STORY A BILLION TIMES JUST ON 857 00:31:00,933 --> 00:31:02,833 THIS SHOW. 858 00:31:02,900 --> 00:31:04,566 IF WE DON'T DO IT RIGHT NOW, 859 00:31:04,633 --> 00:31:04,900 IT'S TOO LATE! 860 00:31:04,966 --> 00:31:07,966 AND WE NEVER DO AND IT IS 861 00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:08,933 GETTING TOO LATE, I'M NOT 862 00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:10,433 DOUBTING THAT IT IS GOING TO 863 00:31:10,500 --> 00:31:12,500 HAPPEN, IT IS DEFINITELY 864 00:31:12,566 --> 00:31:13,600 HAPPENING. 865 00:31:13,666 --> 00:31:16,000 I'M JUST SAYING NO ONE CARES. 866 00:31:16,066 --> 00:31:18,333 NO ONE CARES ENOUGH, WE JUST, AS 867 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,600 A SOCIETY, AS A WORLD, MADE A 868 00:31:20,666 --> 00:31:22,466 DECISION LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE, 869 00:31:22,533 --> 00:31:23,966 HOLD HANDS AND DRIVE OVER THE 870 00:31:24,033 --> 00:31:24,500 GRAND CANYON. 871 00:31:24,566 --> 00:31:26,066 >> IT ALSO HAS THE OPPOSITE 872 00:31:26,133 --> 00:31:28,966 EFFECT TOO, I SPENT FIVE YEARS 873 00:31:29,033 --> 00:31:29,833 UNFORTUNATELY OUT WITH PEOPLE 874 00:31:29,900 --> 00:31:30,700 WHO WERE MOSTLY FROM VOTERS AND 875 00:31:30,766 --> 00:31:32,033 WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT CLIMATE 876 00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:32,700 CHANGE, IT USUALLY DOES THAT 877 00:31:32,766 --> 00:31:34,500 COMES UP BY THE WAY, THEY HAVE 878 00:31:34,566 --> 00:31:35,833 BEEN SAYING THIS FOR SO LONG. 879 00:31:35,900 --> 00:31:37,900 IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER AND 880 00:31:37,966 --> 00:31:38,800 WHAT HAS HAPPENED? 881 00:31:38,866 --> 00:31:40,466 AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE POINT BACK 882 00:31:40,533 --> 00:31:41,500 TO THE 1970s, THEY SAID THERE 883 00:31:41,566 --> 00:31:42,600 WAS GOING TO BE GLOBAL COOLING, 884 00:31:42,666 --> 00:31:43,900 THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE A 885 00:31:43,966 --> 00:31:45,433 FEW MORE DATA POINTS BUT IT DOES 886 00:31:45,500 --> 00:31:48,066 HAVE THAT EFFECT BECAUSE MUCH 887 00:31:48,133 --> 00:31:50,466 LIKE SPENDING, PEOPLE CAN'T GET 888 00:31:50,533 --> 00:31:52,700 A SENSE ABOUT PERIOD OF TIME AND 889 00:31:52,766 --> 00:31:53,566 WHAT HAPPENED. 890 00:31:53,633 --> 00:31:55,600 THIS IS THE SAME OLD STUFF WE 891 00:31:55,666 --> 00:31:56,600 HEAR, THERE'S MORE GOVERNMENT 892 00:31:56,666 --> 00:31:59,200 CONTROL AND GOVERNMENT SPENDING. 893 00:31:59,266 --> 00:32:00,566 >> THE EARTH IS CONSTANTLY 894 00:32:00,633 --> 00:32:03,433 TELLING US TO WAKE UP, RIGHT? 895 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:05,933 I SOUGHT IN KATRINA, THAT 896 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,333 LITERALLY WIPED MY HOME CITY OF 897 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:09,666 NEW ORLEANS OFF THE MAP, THANK 898 00:32:09,733 --> 00:32:11,633 GOD WE HAD A FEW LEVEES THAT 899 00:32:11,700 --> 00:32:12,466 HELD UP SOME OF THE 900 00:32:12,533 --> 00:32:12,800 NEIGHBORHOODS. 901 00:32:12,866 --> 00:32:15,566 THE TRUTH IS, BILL, THIS HAS 902 00:32:15,633 --> 00:32:16,666 BEEN HAPPENING FOR A LONG TIME 903 00:32:16,733 --> 00:32:19,900 AND WE KEEP IGNORING THE 904 00:32:19,966 --> 00:32:20,133 SCIENCE. 905 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,466 I'M AFRAID WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF 906 00:32:22,533 --> 00:32:26,666 TIME. 907 00:32:26,733 --> 00:32:27,633 REMEMBER AL GORE? 908 00:32:27,700 --> 00:32:28,300 HE WROTE THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH, 909 00:32:28,366 --> 00:32:29,833 I USED TO LOOK AT AL GORE AND 910 00:32:29,900 --> 00:32:31,233 THINK HE WAS ABSOLUTELY NUTS, WE 911 00:32:31,300 --> 00:32:34,833 WENT TO HARLEM ONCE, I SAID TALK 912 00:32:34,900 --> 00:32:36,000 ABOUT EDUCATION WITH BLACK 913 00:32:36,066 --> 00:32:37,333 PEOPLE, TALK ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS, 914 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:38,233 HE WALKED IN THE ROOM AND DREW A 915 00:32:38,300 --> 00:32:42,466 MAP ON THE WALL AND I SAID OH 916 00:32:42,533 --> 00:32:47,066 SHIT THIS MAN IS CRAZY. 917 00:32:47,133 --> 00:32:47,333 [LAUGHTER] 918 00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,833 [APPLAUSE] 919 00:32:49,900 --> 00:32:50,833 HE'D SAID THIS IS THE EARTH AND 920 00:32:50,900 --> 00:32:54,766 ITS WARMING AND I'M LIKE BLACK 921 00:32:54,833 --> 00:32:56,866 PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT 922 00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:58,600 THAT, IT'S BEEN HOT OUR WHOLE 923 00:32:58,666 --> 00:33:00,666 LIVES, WE CAME OUT OF AFRICA, 924 00:33:00,733 --> 00:33:01,233 WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT? 925 00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:03,400 HE SAT THERE AND HE GOT THE 926 00:33:03,466 --> 00:33:04,366 ENDORSEMENT BECAUSE IT'S GOING 927 00:33:04,433 --> 00:33:06,133 TO BE POOR PEOPLE AND POOR 928 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,033 COMMUNITIES THAT ARE GOING TO 929 00:33:09,100 --> 00:33:10,700 SUFFER MOST, ALL OF US WILL 930 00:33:10,766 --> 00:33:12,266 SUFFER BUT WE NEED TO PAY 931 00:33:12,333 --> 00:33:12,933 ATTENTION BECAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE 932 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,433 IS REAL. 933 00:33:15,500 --> 00:33:16,333 I HAVE TO SAY THIS THEN I'M 934 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,433 GOING TO SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT. 935 00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:22,800 LAST YEAR, WE HAD FIVE 936 00:33:22,866 --> 00:33:23,133 HURRICANES. 937 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:25,366 IT'S ONE THING WHEN YOU GO 938 00:33:25,433 --> 00:33:28,366 THROUGH ALICE, GET YOUR ASS 939 00:33:28,433 --> 00:33:31,400 AWAY, BETTY, THEY START GIVING 940 00:33:31,466 --> 00:33:33,033 THOSE HURRICANES THAT ARE NAMED 941 00:33:33,100 --> 00:33:33,700 AFTER THE GREEK ALPHABET AND YOU 942 00:33:33,766 --> 00:33:35,233 KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN YOU 943 00:33:35,300 --> 00:33:36,433 GO INTO THE GREEK ALPHABETS, 944 00:33:36,500 --> 00:33:37,800 THAT'S WHAT YOU BETTER BE CLEAR, 945 00:33:37,866 --> 00:33:39,600 THIS SHIT IS BAD. 946 00:33:39,666 --> 00:33:42,300 IF YOU THINK DELTA COME AWAY TO 947 00:33:42,366 --> 00:33:46,400 GET TO EPSILON, LAMBDA, IF YOU 948 00:33:46,466 --> 00:33:54,000 GET TO OMEGA, YOUR ASS IS GONE. 949 00:33:54,066 --> 00:33:55,633 I GIVE THE BALANCE OF MY TIME. 950 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,000 I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU. 951 00:33:57,066 --> 00:33:58,000 >> Bill: I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE 952 00:33:58,066 --> 00:34:01,500 YOU, YOU ARE SO FUNNY, DON'T 953 00:34:01,566 --> 00:34:04,500 STOP DRINKING >> THIS IS 954 00:34:04,566 --> 00:34:05,133 ACTUALLY WATER, YOU SHOULD SEE 955 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:09,166 WHAT I'M GOING TO PUT 956 00:34:09,233 --> 00:34:10,900 IN THIS CLASS WHEN I GET OFF THE 957 00:34:10,966 --> 00:34:11,100 SHOW. 958 00:34:11,166 --> 00:34:13,900 >> Bill: IN THEM MONOLOGUE I 959 00:34:13,966 --> 00:34:15,133 MENTIONED ANDREW CUOMO'S BOOK 960 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,533 THEM I WAS READING HIS BOOK, HIS 961 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:20,100 REAL BOOK "AMERICAN CRISIS: 962 00:34:20,166 --> 00:34:24,100 LEADERSHIP LESSONS; 19" -- I WAS 963 00:34:24,166 --> 00:34:26,300 HAVING KIND OF A CHUCKLE TO GET 964 00:34:26,366 --> 00:34:31,266 GET -- IT HAS NOT AGED WELL A 965 00:34:31,333 --> 00:34:32,466 LOT OF PEOPLE WRITE BOOKS AND A 966 00:34:32,533 --> 00:34:33,666 LOT OF THEM DON'T AGE WELL, WE 967 00:34:33,733 --> 00:34:35,100 DUG UP SOME OF THE ONES, YOU MAY 968 00:34:35,166 --> 00:34:36,866 HAVE FORGOTTEN SOME OF THESE 969 00:34:36,933 --> 00:34:38,133 BOOKS, I'M TELLING YOU A LOT OF 970 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:39,133 BOOKS DON'T AGE WELL, WHAT YOU 971 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:40,533 LIKE TO HEAR SOME OF THE ONES? 972 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:46,800 I THINK YOU WOULD. 973 00:34:46,866 --> 00:34:47,700 ANTHONY WIENER'S: TWEET SMELL OF 974 00:34:47,766 --> 00:34:49,000 SUCCESS: HOW TO USE SOCIAL MEDIA 975 00:34:49,066 --> 00:34:52,266 TO SILENCE YOUR CRITICS. 976 00:34:52,333 --> 00:34:53,866 DID NOT AGED WELL. 977 00:34:53,933 --> 00:34:54,566 MICHAEL AVENATTI'S: CLANG! 978 00:34:54,633 --> 00:34:55,800 THE NEXT TIME I SEE DONALD 979 00:34:55,866 --> 00:34:58,766 TRUMP, IT'LL BE THROUGH PRISON 980 00:34:58,833 --> 00:35:03,100 BARS! 981 00:35:03,166 --> 00:35:04,766 DID NOT AGED WELL. 982 00:35:04,833 --> 00:35:05,033 [LAUGHTER] 983 00:35:05,100 --> 00:35:06,533 MIKE LINDELL'S: NO WHERE BUT UP: 984 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:07,500 RECLAIMING YOUR INTEGRITY AFTER 985 00:35:07,566 --> 00:35:11,900 CRACK. 986 00:35:11,966 --> 00:35:12,166 [LAUGHTER] 987 00:35:12,233 --> 00:35:15,033 NEVER GOT IT. 988 00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:15,800 JOSH DUGGAR'S: CHILD REARING THE 989 00:35:15,866 --> 00:35:19,966 DUGGAR WAY!. 990 00:35:20,033 --> 00:35:25,100 DID NOT... 991 00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:30,400 YOU KNOW IT DIDN'T AGE WELL? 992 00:35:30,466 --> 00:35:31,700 NIC CAGE: NEVER DO IT FOR THE 993 00:35:31,766 --> 00:35:36,366 MONEY -- MY LIFE IN FILM 994 00:35:36,433 --> 00:35:37,133 ARMIE HAMMER'S: THE PEOPLE'S 995 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:37,400 [LAUGHTER] 996 00:35:37,466 --> 00:35:37,666 [APPLAUSE] 997 00:35:37,733 --> 00:35:40,933 DIET. 998 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:41,200 [LAUGHTER] 999 00:35:41,266 --> 00:35:43,600 [APPLAUSE] 1000 00:35:43,666 --> 00:35:46,433 SIEGFRIEID & ROY'S: NO BAD CATS: 1001 00:35:46,500 --> 00:35:52,633 TRAINING TIPS FROM THE EXPERTS. 1002 00:35:52,700 --> 00:35:53,000 [LAUGHTER] 1003 00:35:53,066 --> 00:35:54,900 [APPLAUSE] 1004 00:35:54,966 --> 00:35:58,366 DIDN'T AGE WELL! 1005 00:35:58,433 --> 00:35:59,333 RUDY GIULIANI: NEVER LET "EM SEE 1006 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,866 YOU SWEAT 1007 00:36:02,933 --> 00:36:08,566 DID NOT AGED WELL. 1008 00:36:08,633 --> 00:36:09,133 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1009 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:13,466 DON'T YOU THINK ANDREW CUOMO, IF 1010 00:36:13,533 --> 00:36:15,633 HE HAD JUST ADMITTED INSTEAD OF 1011 00:36:15,700 --> 00:36:19,500 LYING, IF HE WOULD'VE SAID YOU 1012 00:36:19,566 --> 00:36:21,000 GOT ME, I WAS TRYING TO GET 1013 00:36:21,066 --> 00:36:21,633 LAID, HE WASN'T MARRIED IT WAS 1014 00:36:21,700 --> 00:36:23,466 LIKE HE WAS CHEATING ON HIS 1015 00:36:23,533 --> 00:36:23,733 WIFE. 1016 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:25,400 IF YOU LIKE THIS IS A BIG 1017 00:36:25,466 --> 00:36:30,400 PROBLEM IN AMERICA, MEN WITHOUT 1018 00:36:30,466 --> 00:36:33,566 GAME. 1019 00:36:33,633 --> 00:36:34,033 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1020 00:36:34,100 --> 00:36:36,300 >> YOU THINK LACK OF GAME? 1021 00:36:36,366 --> 00:36:37,033 YOU THINK HE WOULD HAVE SURVIVED 1022 00:36:37,100 --> 00:36:39,700 HAD HE JUST? 1023 00:36:39,766 --> 00:36:40,833 >> Bill: NO, I JUST THINK I 1024 00:36:40,900 --> 00:36:41,400 WOULDN'T HATE THEM AS MUCH. 1025 00:36:41,466 --> 00:36:45,400 IF HE WOULD HAVE SAID YOU KNOW 1026 00:36:45,466 --> 00:36:46,966 WHAT, I'M A LONELY GUY. 1027 00:36:47,033 --> 00:36:49,466 WHEN POWERFUL MEN CAN'T GET LAID 1028 00:36:49,533 --> 00:36:51,333 IT'S A TERRIBLE TRAP THEY'RE IN, 1029 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:53,533 I'M SO POWERFUL AND NO LADIES 1030 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:55,500 LIKE ME -- SO THEY WIND UP DOING 1031 00:36:55,566 --> 00:36:58,766 HORRIBLE THINGS. 1032 00:36:58,833 --> 00:37:01,366 >> WHAT A SHAME. 1033 00:37:01,433 --> 00:37:02,666 >> Bill: WHAT I SAID OR WHAT 1034 00:37:02,733 --> 00:37:02,900 HE DID? 1035 00:37:02,966 --> 00:37:05,233 >> BOTH. 1036 00:37:05,300 --> 00:37:10,533 HE DON'T NEED GAME, TO CREATE 1037 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:11,600 THE KIND OF TOXIC ATMOSPHERE AND 1038 00:37:11,666 --> 00:37:12,733 CLIMATE, I AM SO GLAD THAT HE 1039 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,600 DECIDED TO RESIGN. 1040 00:37:14,666 --> 00:37:18,033 I'M SO GLAD. 1041 00:37:18,100 --> 00:37:19,366 >> Bill: NOT REALLY DECIDED, 1042 00:37:19,433 --> 00:37:22,400 KICKED OUT. 1043 00:37:22,466 --> 00:37:24,200 >> I DON'T THINK HE WOULD'VE 1044 00:37:24,266 --> 00:37:25,033 SURVIVED IF YOU LOOK AT WHAT 1045 00:37:25,100 --> 00:37:25,700 HAPPENED TO AL FRANKEN OF PEOPLE 1046 00:37:25,766 --> 00:37:29,633 IN HIS OWN PARTY. 1047 00:37:29,700 --> 00:37:31,000 >> 11 WOMEN CAME FORWARD? 1048 00:37:31,066 --> 00:37:34,033 HE WAS DIGGING IN, HE WAS 1049 00:37:34,100 --> 00:37:35,266 PLAYING A DONALD TRUMP, I'M IN 1050 00:37:35,333 --> 00:37:37,466 DENIAL, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO 1051 00:37:37,533 --> 00:37:38,100 ME. 1052 00:37:38,166 --> 00:37:39,600 >> Bill: WHAT HE DID WAS NOT 1053 00:37:39,666 --> 00:37:44,400 AS BAD AS TRAMP, I ASKED THE 1054 00:37:44,466 --> 00:37:46,866 STAFF TO COME UP WITH A LIST OF 1055 00:37:46,933 --> 00:37:50,033 PEOPLE IN BOTH PARTIES WHO HAVE 1056 00:37:50,100 --> 00:37:51,800 HAD SEX SCANDALS, SINCE 1960, I 1057 00:37:51,866 --> 00:37:53,233 CROSSED UP FOR THE ONES I DIDN'T 1058 00:37:53,300 --> 00:37:54,666 REMEMBER, THE NAME DIDN'T RING A 1059 00:37:54,733 --> 00:37:55,400 BELL. 1060 00:37:55,466 --> 00:37:56,500 I WOULD LIKE TO SCROLL THROUGH 1061 00:37:56,566 --> 00:37:59,666 AND SHOW YOU, HERE THEY ARE. 1062 00:37:59,733 --> 00:38:01,733 BOTH PARTIES, DEMOCRATS AND 1063 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:05,133 REPUBLICANS, IT'S QUITE A FEW 1064 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:05,300 MEN! 1065 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,000 AND OF COURSE THE WINNER, BY 1066 00:38:08,066 --> 00:38:11,300 SIX, THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. 1067 00:38:11,366 --> 00:38:15,133 STILL A LOT, THAT'S 96 PEOPLE. 1068 00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:16,166 THAT'S JUST THE ONES WHO GOT 1069 00:38:16,233 --> 00:38:18,866 CAUGHT, I'M SURE THERE WERE 1070 00:38:18,933 --> 00:38:20,366 OTHERS. 1071 00:38:20,433 --> 00:38:21,400 >> THAT SEEMS SLIGHTLY LOW TO 1072 00:38:21,466 --> 00:38:21,566 ME. 1073 00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:25,033 >> Bill: DISCUSS. 1074 00:38:25,100 --> 00:38:26,400 >> POWER, IT'S ABOUT POWER, WE 1075 00:38:26,466 --> 00:38:28,200 GOT TO CHANGE THE CULTURE, IT'S 1076 00:38:28,266 --> 00:38:29,400 TOXIC AND KEPT WOMEN BEHIND. 1077 00:38:29,466 --> 00:38:31,000 >> Bill: YOU SAID YOU WERE 1078 00:38:31,066 --> 00:38:32,233 JUST 60? 1079 00:38:32,300 --> 00:38:35,533 >> YEAH, BABY, 61 TO BE HONEST. 1080 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:36,633 >> Bill: YOU CAN TAKE A YEAR 1081 00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:38,600 OFF, YOU COULD TAKE 20 YEARS 1082 00:38:38,666 --> 00:38:38,766 OFF. 1083 00:38:38,833 --> 00:38:40,533 >> I'VE LOST A YEAR! 1084 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:44,333 WE ALL DID, THAT PANDEMIC. 1085 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:45,233 I GOT TO MEET MYSELF FOR THE 1086 00:38:45,300 --> 00:38:49,166 FIRST TIME. 1087 00:38:49,233 --> 00:38:50,900 FIGURE THAT ONE OUT. 1088 00:38:50,966 --> 00:38:51,166 [LAUGHTER] 1089 00:38:51,233 --> 00:38:53,533 [APPLAUSE] 1090 00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:55,266 I HAD NEVER SPENT SEVEN DAYS A 1091 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:57,866 WEEK AT HOME, THE FIRST THING I 1092 00:38:57,933 --> 00:38:59,433 SAID WAS WHAT DO PEOPLE DO ALL 1093 00:38:59,500 --> 00:38:59,833 DAY? 1094 00:38:59,900 --> 00:39:01,233 I HAD NO IDEA, I MISS TRAVELING, 1095 00:39:01,300 --> 00:39:03,533 I MISS BEING OUT WITH PEOPLE. 1096 00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,733 >> Bill: ME TO! 1097 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:11,066 >> I LOVE YOU! 1098 00:39:11,133 --> 00:39:11,566 >> Bill: I'M THERE. 1099 00:39:11,633 --> 00:39:14,300 OBAMA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. 1100 00:39:14,366 --> 00:39:16,966 >>> WASN'T INVITED. 1101 00:39:17,033 --> 00:39:26,233 >>> Bill: DID NEITHER WAS I, ITS 1102 00:39:26,300 --> 00:39:26,833 GETTING A LOT OF SHIT FROM THE 1103 00:39:26,900 --> 00:39:31,100 RIGHT WING, THEY SAID IT'S 1104 00:39:31,166 --> 00:39:31,766 ELITIST. 1105 00:39:31,833 --> 00:39:33,600 HE'S A VERY RICH AND SUCCESSFUL 1106 00:39:33,666 --> 00:39:35,800 GUY, MITT ROMNEY SAYS WE SHOULD 1107 00:39:35,866 --> 00:39:37,433 PUNISH SUCCESS, LET'S NOT PUNISH 1108 00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:39,966 SUCCESS, WHEN YOU ARE THAT 1109 00:39:40,033 --> 00:39:40,833 SUCCESSFUL, YOU GET TO THROW 1110 00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:46,166 YOURSELF A BIG ASS BIRTHDAY 1111 00:39:46,233 --> 00:39:46,366 PARTY. 1112 00:39:46,433 --> 00:39:49,000 >> IT'S THE NEW REPUBLICAN 1113 00:39:49,066 --> 00:39:49,433 PARTY, ITS POPULIST. 1114 00:39:49,500 --> 00:39:50,633 >> Bill: SOMEBODY GOT IN 1115 00:39:50,700 --> 00:39:53,900 TROUBLE WHEN THERE WAS A LOT OF 1116 00:39:53,966 --> 00:39:54,233 TALK ABOUT -- 1117 00:39:54,300 --> 00:40:02,366 >> ERIC SHE SNAPPED THE PICTURE. 1118 00:40:02,433 --> 00:40:12,966 >> Bill: SO WHAT >> MAINSTREAM 1119 00:40:13,033 --> 00:40:17,800 MEDIA SILENCE WHILE OBAMA DANCES 1120 00:40:17,866 --> 00:40:19,466 MASK LESS AND THEN SOMEBODY AT 1121 00:40:19,533 --> 00:40:20,733 "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SO I OFTEN 1122 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:22,566 HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEM WITH, THIS 1123 00:40:22,633 --> 00:40:23,966 IS A SOPHISTICATED, VACCINATED 1124 00:40:24,033 --> 00:40:25,466 CROWD AND PEOPLE JUMPED ON THAT. 1125 00:40:25,533 --> 00:40:29,066 I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY YES, 1126 00:40:29,133 --> 00:40:32,233 THAT'S RELEVANT. 1127 00:40:32,300 --> 00:40:36,100 >> WAS SHE QUOTING SOMEONE WAS 1128 00:40:36,166 --> 00:40:38,933 NOT >> Bill: THEY SAID BUT 1129 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:40,433 LOLLAPALOOZA -- LOLLAPALOOZA IS 1130 00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:42,800 NOT A SOPHISTICATED VACCINATED 1131 00:40:42,866 --> 00:40:44,233 CROWD, IT'S A BUNCH OF CRAZY 1132 00:40:44,300 --> 00:40:46,833 KIDS KIDS WERE NOT VACCINATED ON 1133 00:40:46,900 --> 00:40:47,566 ECSTASY, THAT'S DIFFERENT. 1134 00:40:47,633 --> 00:40:51,066 >> IT PROVES THE POINT, IT WAS 1135 00:40:51,133 --> 00:40:52,400 300,000 PEOPLE WHO WANT TO 1136 00:40:52,466 --> 00:40:53,033 LOLLAPALOOZA IN CHICAGO WHICH 1137 00:40:53,100 --> 00:40:55,766 WAS SHOCKING AND THERE WERE 200 1138 00:40:55,833 --> 00:40:57,733 CASES, 300 CASES AND I DON'T 1139 00:40:57,800 --> 00:40:58,833 THINK ANYONE REQUIRED 1140 00:40:58,900 --> 00:41:00,566 HOSPITALIZATION AT PEOPLE ARE 1141 00:41:00,633 --> 00:41:02,000 ATTACKING OBAMA FOR PARTISAN 1142 00:41:02,066 --> 00:41:02,266 PURPOSES. 1143 00:41:02,333 --> 00:41:04,733 IF REPUBLICANS WANT TO BE 1144 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,733 CONSISTENT ABOUT THIS, ATTACKING 1145 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,500 LOCKDOWNS AND PARTICULARLY IN 1146 00:41:08,566 --> 00:41:10,833 CALIFORNIA, COVERING THESE 1147 00:41:10,900 --> 00:41:11,433 THINGS UP, THIS IS THE EXACT 1148 00:41:11,500 --> 00:41:13,766 SAME THING. 1149 00:41:13,833 --> 00:41:16,066 ALL THE STUFF WAS OUTSIDE. 1150 00:41:16,133 --> 00:41:18,333 >> Bill: IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE 1151 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:19,533 SUPER SANCTIMONIOUS ABOUT COVID 1152 00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:22,166 WHICH I'M NOT FOR BUT GAVIN 1153 00:41:22,233 --> 00:41:23,600 NEWSOM, NANCY PELOSI, 1154 00:41:23,666 --> 00:41:24,166 LORI LIGHTFOOT, THEY ALL GOT 1155 00:41:24,233 --> 00:41:26,533 CAUGHT BEING HYPOCRITES. 1156 00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:27,233 SAYING EVERYBODY BE CAREFUL BUT 1157 00:41:27,300 --> 00:41:28,833 I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN, WE 1158 00:41:28,900 --> 00:41:33,166 ALL WANT TO LIVE OUR LIFE AGAIN. 1159 00:41:33,233 --> 00:41:36,200 >> THEY SET POLICY FOR THEIR 1160 00:41:36,266 --> 00:41:37,166 STATES, BARACK OBAMA LIVES IN 1161 00:41:37,233 --> 00:41:37,766 MARTHA'S VINEYARD. 1162 00:41:37,833 --> 00:41:40,600 >> HE HAD A COVERT COORDINATOR, 1163 00:41:40,666 --> 00:41:42,066 EVERYONE WAS VACCINATED, THAT 1164 00:41:42,133 --> 00:41:42,866 WAS A REQUIREMENT. 1165 00:41:42,933 --> 00:41:45,800 PLUS, AS YOU ARE WELL AWARE, 1166 00:41:45,866 --> 00:41:47,433 BOTH THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND 1167 00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:48,266 FORMER FIRST LADY HAVE SPENT 1168 00:41:48,333 --> 00:41:50,933 COUNTLESS HOURS OUT THERE 1169 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:51,800 WARNING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, 1170 00:41:51,866 --> 00:41:53,000 ENCOURAGING THEM TO GET TESTED, 1171 00:41:53,066 --> 00:41:54,866 ENCOURAGING THEM TO GET 1172 00:41:54,933 --> 00:41:58,600 VACCINATED, THEY DID THAT. 1173 00:41:58,666 --> 00:42:00,466 I DON'T LIKE THE CRITICISM, I 1174 00:42:00,533 --> 00:42:01,800 WASN'T INVITED, I WENT TO EVERY 1175 00:42:01,866 --> 00:42:03,500 WHITE HOUSE PARTY WHEN HE WAS 1176 00:42:03,566 --> 00:42:11,400 PRESIDENT, IT KNOW W -- EIGHT NO 1177 00:42:11,466 --> 00:42:12,600 PARTY LIKE A WHITE HOUSE PARTY 1178 00:42:12,666 --> 00:42:13,266 BECAUSE A WHITE HOUSE PARTY WILL 1179 00:42:13,333 --> 00:42:14,400 STOP! 1180 00:42:14,466 --> 00:42:17,300 AFTER MIKE >> YOU DON'T CARE 1181 00:42:17,366 --> 00:42:22,533 THAT YOU DIDN'T GET INVITED? 1182 00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:27,466 DID YOU GET CAUGHT? 1183 00:42:27,533 --> 00:42:29,200 >> I WOULD'VE BEEN PISSED, AFTER 1184 00:42:29,266 --> 00:42:30,633 I BOUGHT MY DRESS AND HAD MY 1185 00:42:30,700 --> 00:42:30,833 SHOES. 1186 00:42:30,900 --> 00:42:37,300 I WAS NOT CUT I WOULD'VE USED 1187 00:42:37,366 --> 00:42:39,800 THAT MOMENT TO SAY TOM HANKS, 1188 00:42:39,866 --> 00:42:44,633 CUT OF PSA FOR PEOPLE IN THE 1189 00:42:44,700 --> 00:42:44,800 ICU. 1190 00:42:44,866 --> 00:42:55,533 >> Bill: OPRAH DID MAKE IT 1191 00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:55,800 EITHER. 1192 00:42:55,866 --> 00:42:58,600 IF I COULD RETURN THE SPECTER OF 1193 00:42:58,666 --> 00:43:00,966 GLOBAL WARMING -- 1194 00:43:01,033 --> 00:43:01,966 >> OH, LORD. 1195 00:43:02,033 --> 00:43:04,166 >> Bill: YOU KILL ME. 1196 00:43:04,233 --> 00:43:05,233 THAT'S NOT REPRIMANDING YOU. 1197 00:43:05,300 --> 00:43:08,400 >> BACK TO MY DRAWING BOARD. 1198 00:43:08,466 --> 00:43:09,366 >> Bill: A LOT OF PEOPLE FLEW 1199 00:43:09,433 --> 00:43:11,666 IN ON PRIVATE JETS BECAUSE OF 1200 00:43:11,733 --> 00:43:14,500 THOSE THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE. 1201 00:43:14,566 --> 00:43:16,500 I WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT THE 1202 00:43:16,566 --> 00:43:18,800 ENVIRONMENT AND THERE'S NOTHING 1203 00:43:18,866 --> 00:43:20,100 MORE SELFISH YOU CAN DO THAN 1204 00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:21,733 TAKE A PRIVATE JET AND EVERYONE 1205 00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:23,033 WHO WAS GOING TO THAT PARTY IS 1206 00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:27,266 AN ENVIRONMENTALIST. 1207 00:43:27,333 --> 00:43:28,966 THIS IS BEEN GOING ON EVER SINCE 1208 00:43:29,033 --> 00:43:30,566 THE ENVIRONMENT WAS AN ISSUE. 1209 00:43:30,633 --> 00:43:33,800 IF YOU CAN TAKE A PRIVATE JET, 1210 00:43:33,866 --> 00:43:34,900 PEOPLE DO. 1211 00:43:34,966 --> 00:43:37,100 I DON'T CARE HOW BIG OF AN 1212 00:43:37,166 --> 00:43:38,466 ENVIRONMENTALIST THEY SAY THEY 1213 00:43:38,533 --> 00:43:40,366 ARE, I DO IT MYSELF TO GET TO 1214 00:43:40,433 --> 00:43:41,566 GIGS OR I COULDN'T EVEN DO THE 1215 00:43:41,633 --> 00:43:43,166 GIG MOST OF THE TIME. 1216 00:43:43,233 --> 00:43:44,700 YOU COULD MAKE THE CASE -- BUT 1217 00:43:44,766 --> 00:43:45,900 HOW MANY PEOPLE IN AMERICA IF 1218 00:43:45,966 --> 00:43:47,833 THEY COULD TAKE A PRIVATE JET 1219 00:43:47,900 --> 00:43:48,733 WOULD REFUSE IT? 1220 00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:51,366 I THINK IT'S ABOUT 1% BECAUSE 1221 00:43:51,433 --> 00:43:52,133 ALL THESE ENVIRONMENTALISTS DO 1222 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:55,200 IT, IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN 1223 00:43:55,266 --> 00:43:57,233 RESIST. 1224 00:43:57,300 --> 00:43:58,666 PEOPLE CANNOT RESIST A PRIVATE 1225 00:43:58,733 --> 00:43:59,266 JET. 1226 00:43:59,333 --> 00:44:01,300 THEY WILL MAKE EXCUSES AND SAY I 1227 00:44:01,366 --> 00:44:04,966 BOUGHT CARBON OFFSETS, WE ARE 1228 00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:08,200 ALL DRIVING OFF THE GRAND CANYON 1229 00:44:08,266 --> 00:44:08,800 HOLDING HANDS, IS THE DECISION 1230 00:44:08,866 --> 00:44:12,533 WE MADE. 1231 00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:13,800 >> I LOVE THE COMMENT BUT I 1232 00:44:13,866 --> 00:44:18,166 DON'T HAVE ANY -- 1233 00:44:18,233 --> 00:44:19,900 >> Bill: YOU WOULD GO? 1234 00:44:19,966 --> 00:44:21,900 >> YEAH, OF COURSE, I DON'T WANT 1235 00:44:21,966 --> 00:44:27,666 TO GO THROUGH Z SIOUX FALLS? 1236 00:44:27,733 --> 00:44:29,866 >> Bill: JAY-Z WOULD NOT GO ON 1237 00:44:29,933 --> 00:44:31,800 THE SPIRIT AIRLINES. 1238 00:44:31,866 --> 00:44:34,300 >> IS A GREAT FERRY OVER TO 1239 00:44:34,366 --> 00:44:40,000 MARTHA'S VINEYARD. 1240 00:44:40,066 --> 00:44:42,366 >> Bill: THAT SWEDISH KID CAN 1241 00:44:42,433 --> 00:44:43,466 TAKE THE FERRY, THESE PEOPLE 1242 00:44:43,533 --> 00:44:48,700 CAME ON THE PRIVATE JET. 1243 00:44:48,766 --> 00:44:53,500 THE LAST THING I WANT TO ASK YOU 1244 00:44:53,566 --> 00:44:56,000 ABOUT -- WHAT, IT'S YOUR 1245 00:44:56,066 --> 00:44:56,266 BAILIWICK. 1246 00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:57,200 >> I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GO 1247 00:44:57,266 --> 00:45:00,733 BACK TO CLIMATE CHANGE. 1248 00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:03,666 >> Bill: NINA TURNER -- THERE 1249 00:45:03,733 --> 00:45:06,033 WAS A SPECIAL ELECTION IN OHIO, 1250 00:45:06,100 --> 00:45:06,900 SHE WAS A FIREBRAND, SHE SAID 1251 00:45:06,966 --> 00:45:09,966 DURING THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION 1252 00:45:10,033 --> 00:45:11,200 ABOUT BIDEN, YOU HAVE A BOWL OF 1253 00:45:11,266 --> 00:45:15,300 SHIT IN FRONT OF YOU, IT'S STILL 1254 00:45:15,366 --> 00:45:17,600 SHIT. 1255 00:45:17,666 --> 00:45:19,133 SO SHE LOST, WHICH IS GOOD. 1256 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:21,566 THEY THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO 1257 00:45:21,633 --> 00:45:21,733 WIN. 1258 00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:24,500 >> HER OPPONENT CAME FROM BEHIN 1259 00:45:24,566 --> 00:45:26,733 BEHIND. 1260 00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:28,433 >> Bill: THE FAR LEFT FACTION, 1261 00:45:28,500 --> 00:45:31,100 THE SQUAD TYPE FOLKS, SHE'S MORE 1262 00:45:31,166 --> 00:45:33,533 IN THAT GROUP. 1263 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:34,833 I FEEL LIKE WE ARE BREAKING DOWN 1264 00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:38,833 INTO VOTERS AND FOLLOWERS. 1265 00:45:38,900 --> 00:45:39,633 CERTAIN PEOPLE GO BY WHAT THE 1266 00:45:39,700 --> 00:45:42,666 FOLLOWERS WANT AND CERTAIN 1267 00:45:42,733 --> 00:45:44,733 PEOPLE GO BY WHAT THE VOTERS 1268 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:44,933 WANT. 1269 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:48,033 I THINK YOU'RE ON THE VOTERS 1270 00:45:48,100 --> 00:45:49,233 SIDE. 1271 00:45:49,300 --> 00:45:55,633 >> NINA IS A FRIEND -- SHNOTEL 1272 00:45:55,700 --> 00:45:59,100 IS A MODERATE, MEMBERS OF THE 1273 00:45:59,166 --> 00:46:05,433 CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS, AT 1274 00:46:05,500 --> 00:46:06,000 THE END OF THE DAY YOU KNOW 1275 00:46:06,066 --> 00:46:11,766 WHAT'S IT ABOUT? 1276 00:46:11,833 --> 00:46:13,200 NINA SPENT MONEY ON TV, SHE 1277 00:46:13,266 --> 00:46:15,366 FORGOT TO DIRECT PEOPLE TO THE 1278 00:46:15,433 --> 00:46:15,933 POLLS. 1279 00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,066 >> Bill: IS NOT COOL TO SAY 1280 00:46:18,133 --> 00:46:20,400 VOTING FOR BIDEN'S VOTING FOR 1281 00:46:20,466 --> 00:46:20,666 SHIT. 1282 00:46:20,733 --> 00:46:23,133 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 1283 00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,200 THAT'S A LITTLE -- COME ON. 1284 00:46:25,266 --> 00:46:26,966 SHE ALSO WOULDN'T ENDORSE 1285 00:46:27,033 --> 00:46:28,400 HILLARY, THIS IDEA THAT I GO ON 1286 00:46:28,466 --> 00:46:29,000 A POLITICAL HUNGER STRIKE AND 1287 00:46:29,066 --> 00:46:33,700 THEN WE ALL WIN. 1288 00:46:33,766 --> 00:46:34,800 >> SHE WON FIVE OUT OF THE NINE 1289 00:46:34,866 --> 00:46:37,733 BLACK WARDS AND CLEVELAND ITSELF 1290 00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:38,866 AND CUYAHOGA COUNTY, SHE DIDN'T 1291 00:46:38,933 --> 00:46:41,366 DO AS WELL, I LOOK AT THE STATS. 1292 00:46:41,433 --> 00:46:42,900 SHE LOST THE SUBURBS, IT WAS NOT 1293 00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,233 ABOUT THE BOWL OF SHIT, IT WAS 1294 00:46:45,300 --> 00:46:45,966 ABOUT REMINDING PEOPLE THERE WAS 1295 00:46:46,033 --> 00:46:48,200 AN ELECTION THAT MATTERS. 1296 00:46:48,266 --> 00:46:48,966 >> Bill: POLITICS IS THE ART 1297 00:46:49,033 --> 00:46:51,033 OF THE PRACTICAL AND THE 1298 00:46:51,100 --> 00:46:52,133 POSSIBLE. 1299 00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:56,666 I GOT TO GO TO NEW RULES. 1300 00:46:56,733 --> 00:47:03,600 THANK YOU, CRAZY PEOPLE. 1301 00:47:03,666 --> 00:47:04,466 NEW RULE: COUNTRY MUSIC HAS TO 1302 00:47:04,533 --> 00:47:09,133 ADMIT IT HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. 1303 00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:09,400 [LAUGHTER] 1304 00:47:09,466 --> 00:47:10,533 APPLE MUSIC'S "TODAY'S COUNTRY" 1305 00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:12,166 PLAYLIST INCLUDES THE SONGS "AT 1306 00:47:12,233 --> 00:47:13,500 THE END OF A BAR," "BEERS ON 1307 00:47:13,566 --> 00:47:14,633 ME," "WISHFUL DRINKING," "COLD 1308 00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:16,433 BEER CALLING MY NAME," "DRUNK 1309 00:47:16,500 --> 00:47:17,833 [AND I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME]," 1310 00:47:17,900 --> 00:47:18,666 "DRINKIN' BEER. 1311 00:47:18,733 --> 00:47:19,733 TALKIN' GOD. 1312 00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:22,366 AMEN," "COLD AS YOU," WHICH IS 1313 00:47:22,433 --> 00:47:23,433 ABOUT BEER, "CAN DOWN" WHICH IS 1314 00:47:23,500 --> 00:47:25,433 ALSO ABOUT BEER, "TEQUILA ON A 1315 00:47:25,500 --> 00:47:30,133 BOAT," AND "THROW IT BACK." 1316 00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:30,400 [LAUGHTER] 1317 00:47:30,466 --> 00:47:31,600 WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION: IF 1318 00:47:31,666 --> 00:47:32,366 THE HEARTLAND IS SO GREAT, WHY 1319 00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:40,966 CAN'T THEY ENJOY IT SOBER? 1320 00:47:41,033 --> 00:47:42,700 [LAUGHTER] 1321 00:47:42,766 --> 00:47:44,266 >> THAT'S A GOOD ONE. 1322 00:47:44,333 --> 00:47:47,466 >> Bill: I DID IT FOR YOU! 1323 00:47:47,533 --> 00:47:48,200 NEW RULE: STOP MAKING 1324 00:47:48,266 --> 00:47:49,000 COMPARISONS BETWEEN THIS "DILDO" 1325 00:47:49,066 --> 00:47:50,066 SIGN IN THE TOWN OF DILDO, 1326 00:47:50,133 --> 00:47:51,100 CANADA AND OUR HOLLYWOOD SIGN 1327 00:47:51,166 --> 00:47:53,933 HERE IN LA. 1328 00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:57,266 FOR ONE THING, A DILDO IS A 1329 00:47:57,333 --> 00:47:58,000 PHONY PRICK, AND. 1330 00:47:58,066 --> 00:48:05,500 NEVER MIND. 1331 00:48:05,566 --> 00:48:05,766 [LAUGHTER] 1332 00:48:05,833 --> 00:48:06,800 [APPLAUSE] 1333 00:48:06,866 --> 00:48:08,133 NEW RULE: JOE BIDEN MUST LET THE 1334 00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:13,833 CANADIANS BACK IN! 1335 00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:14,300 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1336 00:48:14,366 --> 00:48:14,933 THIS WEEK CANADA REOPENED ITS 1337 00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:16,000 BORDER TO AMERICANS, BUT WE 1338 00:48:16,066 --> 00:48:17,433 DIDN'T DO THE SAME IN RETURN. 1339 00:48:17,500 --> 00:48:23,533 WHAT IS THAT ABOOT? 1340 00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:25,333 [LAUGHTER] 1341 00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:27,166 IT'S CANADA. 1342 00:48:27,233 --> 00:48:28,166 YOU KNOW, AMERICA WITHOUT THE 1343 00:48:28,233 --> 00:48:32,666 PERSONALITY DISORDER. 1344 00:48:32,733 --> 00:48:32,933 [LAUGHTER] 1345 00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:33,566 WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, WHAT ARE 1346 00:48:33,633 --> 00:48:34,433 THEY GOING TO DO, TAKE ALL THE 1347 00:48:34,500 --> 00:48:35,733 GOOD-PAYING IMPROV COMEDY JOBS 1348 00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:39,166 AWAY FROM AMERICANS? 1349 00:48:39,233 --> 00:48:39,900 OKAY, THEY PROBABLY WILL, BUT 1350 00:48:39,966 --> 00:48:40,166 [LAUGHTER] 1351 00:48:40,233 --> 00:48:44,833 STILL. 1352 00:48:44,900 --> 00:48:46,766 NEW RULE: NOW THAT THE LATEST 1353 00:48:46,833 --> 00:48:48,400 ISSUE OF BATMAN COMICS HAS ROBIN 1354 00:48:48,466 --> 00:48:50,233 COMING OUT AS BISEXUAL, SOMEONE 1355 00:48:50,300 --> 00:48:52,966 HAS TO GET BATMAN'S REACTION. 1356 00:48:53,033 --> 00:48:54,366 BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S 1357 00:48:54,433 --> 00:48:55,033 GONNA BE.'SINCE WHEN DO YOU LIKE 1358 00:48:55,100 --> 00:49:05,366 GIRLS?" 1359 00:49:05,433 --> 00:49:08,333 [LAUGHTER] 1360 00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:08,800 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1361 00:49:08,866 --> 00:49:09,433 NEW RULE: IF YOU'RE SO DESPERATE 1362 00:49:09,500 --> 00:49:10,466 TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU'LL HAVE A 1363 00:49:10,533 --> 00:49:11,733 DENTIST IMPLANT THIS CLAMP ON 1364 00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:12,900 YOUR TEETH THAT PREVENTS YOU 1365 00:49:12,966 --> 00:49:14,333 FROM OPENING YOUR MOUTH WIDE 1366 00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:16,633 ENOUGH TO EAT SOLID FOOD -- 1367 00:49:16,700 --> 00:49:23,133 MAYBE JUST TRY SALAD? 1368 00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:24,133 WHAT'S THE POINT OF ACHIEVING A 1369 00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:25,466 GREAT BODY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU 1370 00:49:25,533 --> 00:49:28,033 CAN BRAG ABOUT IT IS BY SAYING 1371 00:49:28,100 --> 00:49:36,766 "CHECK OUT MY TIGHT ASS!" 1372 00:49:36,833 --> 00:49:37,100 [LAUGHTER] 1373 00:49:37,166 --> 00:49:38,066 [APPLAUSE] 1374 00:49:38,133 --> 00:49:38,800 AND FINALLY, NEW RULE. 1375 00:49:38,866 --> 00:49:40,100 SOMEONE HAS TO TELL ME: WHY IS 1376 00:49:40,166 --> 00:49:41,833 THIS GUY ALWAYS IN THE DOGHOUSE 1377 00:49:41,900 --> 00:49:42,900 WITH THE ONLINE HALL MONITORS OF 1378 00:49:42,966 --> 00:49:44,666 RIGHTEOUSNESS? 1379 00:49:44,733 --> 00:49:46,600 IT'S A PHENOMENON THAT TRULY 1380 00:49:46,666 --> 00:49:47,666 FASCINATES ME -- THAT EVERY 1381 00:49:47,733 --> 00:49:49,666 COUPLE YEARS, MATT DAMON, ONE OF 1382 00:49:49,733 --> 00:49:51,233 THE MOST LIKABLE GUYS IN 1383 00:49:51,300 --> 00:49:53,266 HOLLYWOOD, WITH IMPECCABLE 1384 00:49:53,333 --> 00:49:55,766 LIBERAL CREDENTIALS, IS FLAILING 1385 00:49:55,833 --> 00:49:57,400 AROUND IN CANCEL CULTURE 1386 00:49:57,466 --> 00:49:58,966 QUICKSAND. 1387 00:49:59,033 --> 00:50:00,233 IT HAPPENED AGAIN THIS MONTH 1388 00:50:00,300 --> 00:50:01,166 WHEN DAMON REVEALED THAT HE USED 1389 00:50:01,233 --> 00:50:02,500 TO USE A GAY SLUR. 1390 00:50:02,566 --> 00:50:04,100 I WON'T SAY THE WORD, BUT IT'S 1391 00:50:04,166 --> 00:50:05,700 THE ONE YOUR TEENAGE SON GREETS 1392 00:50:05,766 --> 00:50:06,666 HIS FRIENDS WITH WHEN THEY MEET 1393 00:50:06,733 --> 00:50:11,966 UP AT CHIPOTLE. 1394 00:50:12,033 --> 00:50:12,233 [LAUGHTER] 1395 00:50:12,300 --> 00:50:14,866 IT'S NOT ALWAYS MEANT AS A SLUR, 1396 00:50:14,933 --> 00:50:16,466 BUT IT'S WRONG, AND DAMON OWNED 1397 00:50:16,533 --> 00:50:17,733 UP, SAYING THAT WHILE COMING OF 1398 00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:19,433 AGE IN BOSTON IN THE '70S AND 1399 00:50:19,500 --> 00:50:20,666 '80S, THAT WORD WAS THROWN 1400 00:50:20,733 --> 00:50:21,900 AROUND WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT PUT 1401 00:50:21,966 --> 00:50:24,166 INTO IT, AND NOW. 1402 00:50:24,233 --> 00:50:25,033 NOW HE'S PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO 1403 00:50:25,100 --> 00:50:26,266 IT. 1404 00:50:26,333 --> 00:50:28,533 AND HE'S GOING TO STOP USING IT. 1405 00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:31,600 ONE MIGHT SAY HE BECAME "WOKE." 1406 00:50:31,666 --> 00:50:34,166 OKAY, HE WAS LATE TO THE PARTY 1407 00:50:34,233 --> 00:50:35,300 -- TO WHICH WE COULD SAY 1408 00:50:35,366 --> 00:50:43,066 "WELCOME, GLAD YOU MADE IT" OR 1409 00:50:43,133 --> 00:50:48,200 [APPLAUSE] 1410 00:50:48,266 --> 00:50:50,300 WE COULD SAY: 1411 00:50:50,366 --> 00:50:51,300 "YOU CAME LATER THAN I DID, 1412 00:50:51,366 --> 00:50:52,966 DIE!" 1413 00:50:53,033 --> 00:50:54,533 THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN 1414 00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:55,733 THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE MOTIVATED 1415 00:50:55,800 --> 00:50:57,133 NOT BY WHAT THEY REALLY BELIEVE, 1416 00:50:57,200 --> 00:50:58,300 BUT BY WHAT WILL GET TWITTER TO 1417 00:50:58,366 --> 00:50:59,033 REACT TO THEM WITH "LIKES" AND 1418 00:50:59,100 --> 00:51:00,166 RETWEETS. 1419 00:51:00,233 --> 00:51:02,633 THAT'S CALLED BAD FAITH. 1420 00:51:02,700 --> 00:51:04,200 IT'S WHY EVERY COUPLE YEARS I'M 1421 00:51:04,266 --> 00:51:06,033 READING HEADLINES LIKE USA TODAY 1422 00:51:06,100 --> 00:51:06,600 "I WISH I COULD CANCEL MATT 1423 00:51:06,666 --> 00:51:09,066 DAMON." 1424 00:51:09,133 --> 00:51:10,033 WASHINGTON POST "MATT DAMON HAS 1425 00:51:10,100 --> 00:51:13,433 MORE DAMONSPLAINING TO DO!" 1426 00:51:13,500 --> 00:51:14,233 DAILY BEAST "SHUT UP, MATT 1427 00:51:14,300 --> 00:51:17,066 DAMON." 1428 00:51:17,133 --> 00:51:18,900 VOX "MATT DAMON ISN'T A TERRIBLE 1429 00:51:18,966 --> 00:51:22,466 PERSON, HE'S JUST IGNORANT." 1430 00:51:22,533 --> 00:51:24,100 REALLY -- THAT BAD, IS HE? 1431 00:51:24,166 --> 00:51:26,333 WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MATT DAMON? 1432 00:51:26,400 --> 00:51:27,900 I DON'T KNOW, HE'S GOT A CLEAN 1433 00:51:27,966 --> 00:51:30,233 WATER CHARITY AND DELIVERS FOOD 1434 00:51:30,300 --> 00:51:31,200 TO HAITI -- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, 1435 00:51:31,266 --> 00:51:39,366 VOX HEADLINE WRITER? 1436 00:51:39,433 --> 00:51:43,200 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1437 00:51:43,266 --> 00:51:44,266 AND YET, HE IS ALWAYS GETTING 1438 00:51:44,333 --> 00:51:46,966 PULLED OVER BY THE WOKE POLICE 1439 00:51:47,033 --> 00:51:48,133 FOR SOMETHING - HE'S GOT A WOKE 1440 00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:51,700 RAP SHEET AS LONG AS YOUR ARM: 1441 00:51:51,766 --> 00:51:54,000 ON THE REBOOT OF THE "PROJECT 1442 00:51:54,066 --> 00:51:55,066 GREENLIGHT" SERIES HE WAS BOOKED 1443 00:51:55,133 --> 00:51:56,300 ON OBSTRUCTION OF SOCIAL JUSTICE 1444 00:51:56,366 --> 00:51:58,200 FOR MAINTAINING THAT A DIRECTOR 1445 00:51:58,266 --> 00:52:01,100 SHOULD BE CHOSEN ON MERIT FIRST. 1446 00:52:01,166 --> 00:52:03,100 BUT "MERIT FIRST' IS NOT 1447 00:52:03,166 --> 00:52:05,466 SYNONYMOUS WITH RACISM. 1448 00:52:05,533 --> 00:52:06,700 THINKING THAT IT IS -- THAT'S 1449 00:52:06,766 --> 00:52:13,833 KIND OF RACIST. 1450 00:52:13,900 --> 00:52:14,533 [APPLAUSE] 1451 00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:16,400 IN 2015 DAMON DID HARD TIME IN 1452 00:52:16,466 --> 00:52:18,000 TWITTER JAIL ON TWO COUNTS OF 1453 00:52:18,066 --> 00:52:19,433 ACCESSORY TO HOMOPHOBIA FOR 1454 00:52:19,500 --> 00:52:21,733 SAYING THAT ACTORS DO WELL WHEN 1455 00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:23,533 THEY KEEP THEIR PRIVATE LIVES 1456 00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:24,833 PRIVATE SO THAT AUDIENCES CAN 1457 00:52:24,900 --> 00:52:26,033 WATCH THE CHARACTER ON THE 1458 00:52:26,100 --> 00:52:27,633 SCREEN WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT 1459 00:52:27,700 --> 00:52:29,800 THE CARICATURE FROM THE 1460 00:52:29,866 --> 00:52:30,833 TABLOIDS, AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR 1461 00:52:30,900 --> 00:52:32,366 SEXUALITY. 1462 00:52:32,433 --> 00:52:34,233 WHICH IS TRUE. 1463 00:52:34,300 --> 00:52:35,333 ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE DANIEL 1464 00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:36,233 DAY-LEWIS IS I'M NOT SURE HE 1465 00:52:36,300 --> 00:52:45,166 EVEN EXISTS OFF SCREEN. 1466 00:52:45,233 --> 00:52:46,033 [LAUGHTER] 1467 00:52:46,100 --> 00:52:46,733 [APPLAUSE] 1468 00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:47,933 BUT IN "WOKEVILLE," SOMEHOW THAT 1469 00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:48,833 BECAME "GAY ACTORS SHOULD GO 1470 00:52:48,900 --> 00:52:51,066 BACK IN THE CLOSET." 1471 00:52:51,133 --> 00:52:52,500 WHICH IS NOT WHAT HE SAID, BUT 1472 00:52:52,566 --> 00:52:54,000 THE VERDICT WAS IN AND HE WAS 1473 00:52:54,066 --> 00:53:02,800 SENTENCED TO APPEAR ON ELLEN. 1474 00:53:02,866 --> 00:53:05,000 [LAUGHTER] 1475 00:53:05,066 --> 00:53:07,900 BUT HERE'S HOW UN-HOMOPHOBIC 1476 00:53:07,966 --> 00:53:08,766 MATT DAMON IS: HE FUCKED 1477 00:53:08,833 --> 00:53:19,433 LIBERACE! 1478 00:53:19,500 --> 00:53:21,633 IN 2016 THE MOVIE "THE GREAT 1479 00:53:21,700 --> 00:53:22,766 WALL" OPENED. AND DAMON WAS 1480 00:53:22,833 --> 00:53:23,733 BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES OF WHITE 1481 00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:26,333 WASHING IN THE 3RD DEGREE. 1482 00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:28,633 WHITE WASHING BEING WHEN 1483 00:53:28,700 --> 00:53:30,600 FILMMAKERS CAST WHITE ACTORS FOR 1484 00:53:30,666 --> 00:53:33,033 PARTS MEANT FOR PEOPLE OF COLOR. 1485 00:53:33,100 --> 00:53:33,933 WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS NOT 1486 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:35,400 DOING. 1487 00:53:35,466 --> 00:53:36,266 HIS ROLE WAS NEVER MEANT FOR A 1488 00:53:36,333 --> 00:53:38,333 CHINESE ACTOR. 1489 00:53:38,400 --> 00:53:40,733 IN FACT, IT WAS A CHINESE MADE 1490 00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:42,433 MOVIE TARGETED PRIMARILY TO THE 1491 00:53:42,500 --> 00:53:44,833 CHINESE AUDIENCE THAT WAS 1492 00:53:44,900 --> 00:53:46,533 PURPOSEFULLY USING HIS WHITE ASS 1493 00:53:46,600 --> 00:53:47,566 SO THE MOVIE WOULD HAVE 1494 00:53:47,633 --> 00:53:49,966 CROSS-OVER APPEAL HERE. 1495 00:53:50,033 --> 00:53:52,033 NEVERTHELESS, WHEN I HEARD ABOUT 1496 00:53:52,100 --> 00:53:53,366 THIS, I IMMEDIATELY REPLACED 1497 00:53:53,433 --> 00:53:54,233 MATT'S POSTER OVER MY BED WITH 1498 00:53:54,300 --> 00:54:04,500 CHRIS EVANS. 1499 00:54:04,566 --> 00:54:04,766 [LAUGHTER] 1500 00:54:04,833 --> 00:54:05,600 [APPLAUSE] 1501 00:54:05,666 --> 00:54:07,633 2017: IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE 1502 00:54:07,700 --> 00:54:08,966 METOO MOVEMENT. DAMON WAS LOCKED 1503 00:54:09,033 --> 00:54:13,100 UP IN WOKEATRAZ ON A CHARGE OF 1504 00:54:13,166 --> 00:54:17,933 AGGRAVATED MANSPLAINING DURING A 1505 00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:19,400 RECKONING, AND WAS SENTENCED TO 1506 00:54:19,466 --> 00:54:20,433 NOT LESS THAN ONE YEAR OF HAVING 1507 00:54:20,500 --> 00:54:25,066 TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. 1508 00:54:25,133 --> 00:54:26,033 SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS, DURING 1509 00:54:26,100 --> 00:54:27,266 AN INTERVIEW WHERE DAMON CALLED 1510 00:54:27,333 --> 00:54:29,166 THE METOO MOVEMENT "WONDERFUL" 1511 00:54:29,233 --> 00:54:31,266 AND A "WATERSHED MOMENT," HE 1512 00:54:31,333 --> 00:54:33,766 ADDED THAT SEXUAL MISCONDUCT 1513 00:54:33,833 --> 00:54:36,166 INVOLVED "A SPECTRUM OF 1514 00:54:36,233 --> 00:54:37,000 BEHAVIOR" AND THAT THERE WAS "A 1515 00:54:37,066 --> 00:54:37,866 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PATTING 1516 00:54:37,933 --> 00:54:39,766 SOMEONE ON THE BUTT AND RAPE. " 1517 00:54:39,833 --> 00:54:40,666 TRUE. 1518 00:54:40,733 --> 00:54:41,466 UNDENIABLE. 1519 00:54:41,533 --> 00:54:45,066 AND UNFORGIVABLE. 1520 00:54:45,133 --> 00:54:46,333 EVEN THOUGH THE LEGAL SYSTEM HAS 1521 00:54:46,400 --> 00:54:48,966 ALWAYS DIFFERENTIATED DEGREES 1522 00:54:49,033 --> 00:54:51,133 FOR ALL CRIMES, EVEN MURDER. 1523 00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:52,700 OH MATT -- ALWAYS GETTING IN 1524 00:54:52,766 --> 00:54:53,533 TROUBLE FOR SAYING PERFECTLY 1525 00:54:53,600 --> 00:55:02,766 REASONABLE THINGS. 1526 00:55:02,833 --> 00:55:04,366 [APPLAUSE] 1527 00:55:04,433 --> 00:55:05,800 AND NOW HE'S DONE IT AGAIN BY 1528 00:55:05,866 --> 00:55:09,133 BREAKING LIAM'S LAW. 1529 00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:10,166 THAT'S THE LAW THAT REFERS TO 1530 00:55:10,233 --> 00:55:11,600 THE TIME A FEW YEARS BACK WHEN 1531 00:55:11,666 --> 00:55:13,266 ACTOR LIAM NEESON RECOUNTED A 1532 00:55:13,333 --> 00:55:15,133 STORY OF PERSONAL GROWTH 1533 00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:16,933 INVOLVING RACIST THOUGHTS HE HAD 1534 00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:19,633 AS A YOUNG MAN, BUT THEN 1535 00:55:19,700 --> 00:55:20,600 REALIZING THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS 1536 00:55:20,666 --> 00:55:21,366 AND EXPUNGING THE RACIST ELEMENT 1537 00:55:21,433 --> 00:55:23,033 FROM HIS ANGER. 1538 00:55:23,100 --> 00:55:24,400 BUT OF COURSE IN SO DOING, HE 1539 00:55:24,466 --> 00:55:25,666 COMMITTED THE CARDINAL SIN OF 1540 00:55:25,733 --> 00:55:28,600 ADMITTING HE WAS NOT BORN 1541 00:55:28,666 --> 00:55:30,200 PERFECT, AND DID NOT EMERGE FROM 1542 00:55:30,266 --> 00:55:35,700 THE WOMB COMPLETELY ENLIGHTENED. 1543 00:55:35,766 --> 00:55:38,933 LIKE BUDDHA. 1544 00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:40,033 AND NOW MATT'S DONE IT WITH HIS 1545 00:55:40,100 --> 00:55:41,400 GAY SLUR ADMISSION. 1546 00:55:41,466 --> 00:55:42,500 COMMITTED THE CRIME OF NOT 1547 00:55:42,566 --> 00:55:43,666 ALYS BEING THE PERSON YOU 1548 00:55:43,733 --> 00:55:46,333 WOULD BECOME. 1549 00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:47,700 I'M SO TIRED OF BAD FAITH 1550 00:55:47,766 --> 00:55:49,400 ARGUMENTS, AND IT'S ALL WE DO 1551 00:55:49,466 --> 00:55:50,266 NOW, ON BOTH SIDES OF OUR 1552 00:55:50,333 --> 00:55:52,066 DIVIDE. 1553 00:55:52,133 --> 00:55:53,200 TWO WEEKS AGO NANCY PELOSI 1554 00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:54,766 CALLED REPUBLICAN HOUSE LEADER 1555 00:55:54,833 --> 00:55:57,633 KEVIN MCCARTHY A MORON. 1556 00:55:57,700 --> 00:55:59,733 THAT'S NOT THE BAD FAITH PART OF 1557 00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:05,500 THE STORY, THAT'S TRUE. 1558 00:56:05,566 --> 00:56:06,566 [LAUGHTER] 1559 00:56:06,633 --> 00:56:09,500 [APPLAUSE] 1560 00:56:09,566 --> 00:56:12,200 BUT A FEW DAYS LATER MCCARTHY 1561 00:56:12,266 --> 00:56:12,800 WAS SPEAKING TO A GROUP OF 1562 00:56:12,866 --> 00:56:14,866 REPUBLICANS, AND SAID, JOKINGLY 1563 00:56:14,933 --> 00:56:17,100 -- BUT HE'S KEVIN MCCARTHY -- 1564 00:56:17,166 --> 00:56:19,733 THAT IF REPUBLICANS TOOK THE 1565 00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:20,800 HOUSE IN 2022 "I WANT YOU TO 1566 00:56:20,866 --> 00:56:21,866 WATCH NANCY PELOSI HAND ME THAT 1567 00:56:21,933 --> 00:56:22,966 GAVEL. 1568 00:56:23,033 --> 00:56:23,766 IT WILL BE HARD NOT TO HIT HER 1569 00:56:23,833 --> 00:56:26,433 WITH IT." 1570 00:56:26,500 --> 00:56:27,600 PELOSI'S OFFICE CALLED IT "A 1571 00:56:27,666 --> 00:56:29,566 THREAT OF VIOLENCE." 1572 00:56:29,633 --> 00:56:30,566 HAKEEM JEFFRIES SAID, "VIOLENCE 1573 00:56:30,633 --> 00:56:31,700 AGAINST WOMEN IS NO LAUGHING 1574 00:56:31,766 --> 00:56:33,700 MATTER." 1575 00:56:33,766 --> 00:56:35,333 AND ERIC SWALWELL SAID MCCARTHY 1576 00:56:35,400 --> 00:56:36,500 WAS "A WOULD-BE ASSAILANT" WHO 1577 00:56:36,566 --> 00:56:38,600 MUST "RESIGN." 1578 00:56:38,666 --> 00:56:45,033 SHUT UP. 1579 00:56:45,100 --> 00:56:48,500 SHUT THE FUCK UP. 1580 00:56:48,566 --> 00:56:49,533 THIS IS WHAT BAD FAITH IS: YOU 1581 00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:50,533 DON'T REALLY THINK IT WAS A 1582 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:51,733 THREAT OF VIOLENCE, OR THAT 1583 00:56:51,800 --> 00:56:52,866 ANYONE THINKS SUCH VIOLENCE 1584 00:56:52,933 --> 00:56:54,366 WOULD BE A LAUGHING MATTER, OR 1585 00:56:54,433 --> 00:56:55,466 THAT KEVIN MCCARTHY IS A 1586 00:56:55,533 --> 00:56:56,833 WOULD-BE ASSAILANT -- ANYMORE 1587 00:56:56,900 --> 00:56:58,600 THAN ANYONE THINKS MATT DAMON'S 1588 00:56:58,666 --> 00:57:00,700 A HOMOPHOBE. 1589 00:57:00,766 --> 00:57:02,633 AND MATT, MY ADVICE TO YOU: STOP 1590 00:57:02,700 --> 00:57:04,300 HUNTING FOR GOOD WILL, YOU'RE 1591 00:57:04,366 --> 00:57:05,266 NOT GONNA FIND MUCH IN THIS 1592 00:57:05,333 --> 00:57:06,800 COUNTRY. 1593 00:57:06,866 --> 00:57:08,333 OKAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW. 1594 00:57:08,400 --> 00:57:09,933 I'LL BE AT THE PABST THEATRE IN 1595 00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:11,733 MILWAUKEE, AUGUST 14TH, AND AT 1596 00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:12,833 THE RYMAN IN NASHVILLE, AUGUST 1597 00:57:12,900 --> 00:57:14,133 15TH. 1598 00:57:14,200 --> 00:57:16,200 I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS 1599 00:57:16,266 --> 00:57:17,233 MICHAEL MOYNIHAN, DONNA BRAZILE, 1600 00:57:17,300 --> 00:57:21,600 STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT. 1601 00:57:21,666 --> 00:57:26,600 AND YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, 1602 00:57:26,666 --> 00:57:39,566 FOLKS! 1603 00:57:39,633 --> 00:57:40,633 ♪ ♪