♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: THANK YOU, HOW ARE
YOU?
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
APPRECIATE IT, GREAT TO BE HERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'VE GOT A BIG SHOW, PLEASE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE TIME AWAY
FROM MARTIN AND MARTIN.
LISTEN, OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE
IS OVER, ANDREW CUOMO HAS
RESIGNED.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING BUT IT
FINALLY HAPPENED THIS WEEK, HE
SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT BUT
HE FELT HE WAS FORCED TO END ALL
THE WOMEN IN THE OFFICE WENT
"YEAH."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
HE SAID HE NEEDS TWO WEEKS TO
GET OUT OF TOWN.
HE'S GOING TO BE GOVERNOR FOR
TWO MORE WEEKS, A LOT OF LOOSE
ENDS TO TIE UP, ADMINISTRATIVE
DUTIES TO FULFILL.
HE ALSO WANTS TO TAKE ONE MORE
SHOT AT TERESA IN THE ZONING
BOARD.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THE OTHER SCANDAL THAT THE
DEMOCRATS ARE FACING EVEN THOUGH
I DON'T THINK IT'S A SCANDAL AT
ALL, BUT OBAMA HAD A BIG
BIRTHDAY PARTY, BECAUSE HE'S
SUCCESSFUL AND HE'S 60, THIS IS
AMERICA.
WE DON'T WANT TO PUNISH SUCCESS,
DO WE?
YES, IT'S TRUE.
IN THE PANDEMIC, EVERYTHING
GOING ON, THE OPTICS WERE
TERRIBLE AND THEY SHOULD HAVE
KNOWN THAT.
THE D.J. THEY HIRED WAS NAMED
"TONE-DEAF."
TALK ABOUT AN A-LIST CROWD, OH,
MY GOSH.
JAY-Z AND BEYONCE, SPIELBERG,
DON CHEADLE, TOM HANKS, BRADLEY
COOPER, JOHN LEGEND, THIS WAS A
SWANKY PARTY.
A LOT OF THEM WERE TIPPING THE
VALET IN BITCOIN.
[LAUGHTER]
IT IS BAD OPTICS BECAUSE FIRST
OF ALL A LOT OF THEM FLEW IN ON
PRIVATE JETS, THEN WE'VE GOT A
CLIMATE REPORT FROM THE U.N.,
HORRIBLE NEWS AS IT ALWAYS IS --
NOT THAT YOU EVEN NEED TO READ ,
RIGHT? WALK OUTSIDE, IT'S HOT.
I SAW HUNTER BIDEN PUTTING ICE
ON A HOOKER'S NIPPLES AND SHE
WAS PAYING HIM.
THAT'S HOT.
FOR HUNTER BIDEN, THEY KEEP
RELEASING THESE VIDEOS OF HIM,
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
ALWAYS WITH THE HOOKERS, AND THE
BLOW, IT'S SAD.
WAIT, SAD?
YES, SAD.
[LAUGHTER]
VERY FUCKING SAD.
DOES HUNTER BIDEN EVER HAVE SEX
WHEN HE DOESN'T PUT IT ON HIS
LAPTOP?
MOST PEOPLE WHEN THEY HAVE AN
ORGASM SAY "OH, GOD, OH, GOD."
HE SAYS "LIKE, COMMENT, AND TO
SHARE."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AGAINST ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS
THAT ARE GOING ON, THE TELE- MAT
HAVE PRETTY MUCH TAKEN OVER --
WE KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN, NOT
QUITE THIS FAST.
THEY ARE TAKING OVER AFGHANISTAN
AND BIDEN I'M TELLING YOU, HE'S
THE ONE WHO DID THIS, IT WILL
LOOK GOOD IN THE FUTURE BUT
RIGHT NOW HE'S UNDER A LOT OF
HEAT.
SO MANY THINGS, COVERT
SPREADING, HE DOESN'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT, HE HAD A
PRESS CONFERENCE, THE FIRST
THING HE SAID WAS "HOW ABOUT ALL
THAT CRACK MY KID DOES?"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S SAD, AFGHANISTAN.
20 YEARS WE WERE THERE, ALL FOR
NOTHING.
IT'S LIKE WHEN SEAN HANNITY WENT
TO HIGH SCHOOL, IT'S TERRIBLE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOU THINK
ALBANY IS A HOSTILE WORKPLACE?
WENT TO SEE KABUL.
HOSTILE WORKPLACE FOR WOMEN, I
THINK I LEFT THAT OUT.
EITHER WAY, IT WORKS.
I SHOULD'VE MENTIONED THAT.
SO THE 20/20 CENSUS IS OUT,
LISTEN TO THIS -- WHITE PEOPLE
HAVE FALLEN FOR THE FIRST TIME
AS NUMBERS IN THIS COUNTRY SINCE
1790, I BLAMED COUNTRY MUSIC.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YOU JUST CAN'T FUCK TO IT.
[LAUGHTER]
A LOT OF PEOPLE SEE THE WRITING
ON THE WALL, A CRACKER BARREL
CHANGE TO THEIR NAME TO JUST "A
BARREL."
WE'VE GOT THIS GREAT SHOW
BECAUSE DONNA BRAZILE IS HERE
AND MICHAEL MOYNIHAN.
BUT THEY ARE ACTORS, COMEDIANS,
AND LEGENDS IN THE BUILDING AND
COSTARS OF THE NEW SERIES "ONLY
MURDERS IN THE BUILDING"
PREMIERING ON HULU AUGUST 31ST:
MARTIN SHORT AND STEVE MARTIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> THANK YOU, EVERYONE!
THANKS FOR REMEMBERING!
>> Bill: OH, MY GOD.
>> WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE
THAT KIND OF REACTION OTHER THAN
PROVIDE DECADES OF QUALITY
ENTERTAINMENT?
>> THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
DONE YOUR SHOW AND I LOVE YOUR
SHOW, YOU MOVED TO HBO WHICH IS
FANTASTIC.
>> Bill: THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO
AGO.
[LAUGHTER]
I GET UP.
TWO LEGENDS AT THE SAME TIME,
IT'S AN EMBARRASSMENT, AN
EMBARRASSMENT, IT'S AN
EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.
>> IT'S AN EMBARRASSMENT OF
DECLINE.
>> Bill: YOU TWO HAVE REVIVED
THE CONCEPT OF THE COMEDY TEAM.
>> I LOVE THEM, ABBOTT AND
COSTELLO, BURNS AND SCHREIBER.
>> BECAUSE WE ARE HERE YOU GO
WITH THE LESSER ONES?
>> LAUREL AND HARDY.
>> B>> WHO?
>> Bill: THAT'S WHAT A LOT OF
KIDS ARE SAYING.
>> JERRY AND BOB.
>> Bill: YOU HAVE YOUR OWN
DOROTHY L'AMOUR NOW.
>> I GOT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING --
>> Bill: USUALLY COMEDY TEAMS,
YOU ARE BOTH HUGE STARS AND THEN
BECAME A COMEDY TEAM AT THE
SEPTEMBER OF OUR YEARS AS MR. S
WOULD SAY.
>> THAT'S POLITE, THE DECEMBER.
>> Bill: NO.
>> IT'S WEIRD FOR ME WHEN
SOCIETY DEEMS YOU TIMELESS, YOU
DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU FIT IN.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: HOW DO YOU WORK WITH
AN EGOMANIAC, THAT'S FOR EITHER
ONE OF YOU.
>> AREN'T WE A COMEDY TEAM, IS
THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF US?
I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING A
COMEDY TEAM.
>> Bill: YOU WORK TOGETHER ON
STAGE --
>> WE WORK TOGETHER A LOT, WE
DID FIVE MOVIES TOGETHER, WE
WORKED A LOT TOGETHER BUT UP
UNTIL SEVEN YEARS AGO, WE
HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIFE.
>> Bill: IT NEVER USUALLY
HAPPENS THAT WAY WHERE THEY GET
TOGETHER AT THE END, USUALLY
THEY ARE A COMEDY TEAM AND THEY
SPLIT UP, YOU WERE DOING THE
REVERSE.
>> I SEE, THAT'S INTERESTING.
>> Bill: THAT'S INTERESTING.
>> I THINK WE ARE AN INTERESTING
TEAM BECAUSE MARTY IS A CROONER,
HE SINGS BEAUTIFUL SONGS, I
PLAYED THE BANJO, NO FIT, HE
DOES CHARACTERS COME I DON'T DO
CHARACTERS, HE DOES VOICES COME
I DON'T DO VOICES, I HAVE THAT
CERTAIN SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: SORRY...
>> I KIND OF CARRY THIS ACT.
>> IF YOU CALL CARRYING ME
DRAGGING YOU.
>> Bill: YOU INSULT EACH OTHER
WHICH SEEMS T TO BE THE WAY
COMEDIANS SHOW EACH OTHER
AFFECTION, IN THE BEGINNING OF
YOUR SHOW THAT'S A LOT OF THE
BEGINNING AND NO ONE IS BUYING
IT, WE KNOW YOU LOVE EACH OTHER.
>> DON'T FRIENDS DO THAT, ALL
FRIENDS?
>> Bill: NOT ALL FRIENDS, YOUR
FRIENDS.
DON'T YOU THINK?
I DON'T THINK ALL FRIENDS DO
THAT'S COME INSULT EACH OTHER?
>> THEY BRAG EACH OTHER, ON EACH
OTHER, BUST EACH OTHER'S BALLS.
>> Bill: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
YOUR SHOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHOW.
>> COULDN'T CARE LESS.
>> Bill: ONLY MURDERERS IN THE
BUILDING, WHY IS MURDER FUNNY?
IT IS SO FUNNY IN YOUR SHOW
BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT IT
WOULDN'T BE.
>> THERE'S A HUGE HISTORY OF
CRIME GOING BACK EVEN BEFORE
THIS SHOW.
>> Bill: WOW.
>> EVEN THE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO
MOVIES WERE ABOUT SOMEBODY
GETTING MURDERED BY A
FRANKENSTEIN.
>> Bill: THERE'S SO MANY
PODCASTS ABOUT MURDER.
>> THAT'S WHAT'S INTERESTING
ABOUT THE SHOW, IT COMBINES THE
OBSESSION WITH CRIME AND MURDER
AND PODCASTS.
>> THE SHOW ACTUALLY CAME UP TWO
YEARS AGO AND PODCASTS IN THAT
INTERIM GREW AND THE PODCASTS
WERE ALWAYS A BIT A PART OF IT
AND NOW WE ARE WRITING A WAVE OF
PODCASTS LIGHT.
>> Bill: WHAT YOU MAKE A BET?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE
UNDER 40, IT SEEMS LIKE THEIR
ATTENTION SPAN IS EITHER THREE
SECONDS OR FOUR HOURS.
BECAUSE THE PODCASTS GO ON TOO
LONG FOR ME.
>> I CAN TELL YOU, PODCASTS ARE
PERFECT FOR DOING TWO THINGS AT
ONCE.
I HAVE A BICYCLE AND A PODCAST
I'M DOING TWO THINGS AT ONCE BUT
IF I WERE GOING TO SIT AND
LISTEN TO A PODCAST I WOULD BE
ABLE TO DO IT.
ALSO YOU LISTEN TO A PODCAST
WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR
CHILD.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
OR WHEN I'M TALKING TO MARTY, I
SAY IF HE WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING
I PUT A PODCAST ON.
>> Bill: LET'S TALK
GENERATIONS.
YOUR COSTAR IN THIS IS
SELENA GOMEZ WHO IS FANTASTIC, I
KNOW.
IF YOU KNOW HER MUSIC?
>> ABSOLUTELY >> Bill: I WANT
TO LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG --
I'M ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW MUSIC
THAT SOUNDS OF IT COULD'VE BEEN
A HIT IN ANY DECADE, THAT'S ONE,
THAT'S A GREAT RECORD.
>> SHE'S SO GOOD IN THE SHOW AND
SHE'S FANTASTIC, WE GET ALONG
GREAT AND SHE'S A GREAT ACTRESS.
AND SHE PUTS ON HER PILLS IN THE
MORNING.
THE FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING -- I
DON'T KNOW IF SHE KNEW, SHE SAID
I'M SUCH A BIG FAN JUDY DENCH!
>> Bill: SEE WHAT I MEAN!
I LOVE THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN THE
MILLENNIAL AND TWO BOOMERS,
THESE GENERATIONS ALWAYS SEEMS
TO BE FEUDING, SOMEHOW GEN X
WHICH ARE IN THE MIDDLE GET A
PASS ON THIS AT THE BOOMERS ARE
ALWAYS HEARING IT FROM THE
MILLENNIALS THAT WE RUINED THE
WORLD, WE TOOK ALL THE JOB --
>> HAS IT ALL WOULD BEEN THAT
WAY?
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT DOING THE
SMOTHERS BROTHERS.
>> THAT'S WHY MY HEART BROKE
BECAUSE THEY SAID YOU WERE ON
THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS STAGE,
THAT'S THE CAROL BURNETT STAGE!
ANYWAY --
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN I FIRST STARTED WRITING
HERE I WAS 21 YEARS OLD OF THE
REASON I GOT HIRED AT 21 YEARS
OLD, THE MANTRA OF THE DAY WAS
NEVER TRUST ANYONE OVER 30.
THE WANTED YOUNG WRITERS.
THE WRITERS THEY HAD WERE GREAT,
THEY WROTE FOR JACK BENNY AND OF
COURSE THEY LOOKED AT US
SIDEWAYS, THESE KIDS COMING IN
AND THEY WERE TOLERANT AND THEY
WERE GREAT WRITERS.
>> Bill: THAT SHOW, DO YOU
REMEMBER THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS
SHOW?
IT SHOULD BE, THEY SHOULD HAVE A
LEGACY RATER THAN THEY HAVE COME
AND CHANGE THE DISCOURSE.
>> IT WAS BRILLIANT.
>> Bill: I WANT TO ASK ABOUT
AGES AND BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD AND
I'M OLD, IT PISSES ME OFF THAT
THIS IS THE LAST ACCEPTABLE
PREJUDICE, PEOPLE CAN ALWAYS SAY
THEY DON'T LIKE ANYTHING YOU DO,
YOUR OLD.
>> ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE
I'M STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE
GUY FROM UP?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT STARTS WITH THE GLASSES.
>> I GOT NEW FRAMES AND I
REALIZED AS I WAS ABOUT TO WALK
OUT HERE --
>> Bill: AS WITH SO MANY
THINGS, YOU WERE STILL AHEAD OF
YOUR TIME AND PRESCIENT BECAUSE
YOU HAD THE WHITE HAIR WHEN YOU
WERE THREE.
>> I NEVER THOUGHT OF DYING MY
HAIR ONCE.
>> Bill: YOU LOOK LIKE STEVE
MARTIN, LIKE HE ALWAYS LOOKED,
THAT'S A TRICK.
>> DO YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE HIM?
>> Bill: TO BE THE ONLY ANSWER
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GETTING
YOUNGER IS TO LEAN INTO IT.
KIDS ATTACK ME, YOUR OLD AND I'M
LIKE YEAH, BUT YOU'RE STUPID.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I KNOW SOME
SHIT AND YOU DON'T.
>> THAT'S LIKE US BACKSTAGE.
>> I THINK YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD
HIDE ANYTHING --
>> THEN WHY DID YOU GO INTO MAKE
UP?
>> ON THE WAY HERE, I SMILED AND
SOMETHING FELL OFF AND THEY
CAUGHT IT AND THEY HAD TO PATCH
IT UP.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> I DON'T ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT
IT BUT WE ARE IN A DIFFERENT
SITUATION.
I THINK ABOUT IT AS A PERSON BUT
NOT AS A CELEBRITY OR AN ACTOR.
>> Bill: IT'S SOMETHING THEY
ATTACK YOU WITH.
ANYTHING YOU DO THAT DOESN'T
MEASURE UP, THEY WILL SAY WELL
NOW HE'S TOO OLD TO.
>> WE GET THAT A LITTLE BIT BUT
IN FRIENDLY CONVERSATION WITH
SELENA SHE WILL GO -- IT'S EVEN
IN THE SHOW A LITTLE BIT,
WRITTEN IN.
SHE INTRODUCED US TO A LOT OF
THINGS.
>> Bill: SONGS.
>> TOLD THE STORY -- WHEN SHE
WAS TEACHING READING ALL THE
LYRICS TO WAP.
>> Bill: TO WET ASS PUSSY?
>> I WAS AWARE THAT KIND OF
MATERIAL WAS OUT THERE I DIDN'T
KNOW IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE HIT.
SHE'S READING HIM ALL THE LYRICS
AND THEN I'M CALLED TO THE SET
AND STEVE COMES UP SAYS I JUST
LEARNED THREE NEW VERSES TO TOP
HAT AND TAILS!
>> Bill: WHAT DID YOU TAKE
AWAY FROM WHAT SHE TAUGHT YOU?
>> WHAT USED TO BE --
>> Bill: I MEAN ABOUT THE
PUSSY ITSELF.
>> THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
>> Bill: YOUNG COMICS, WHAT
CAN WE DO TO H STOP -- HELP THE.
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN WE WERE STARTING UP, THERE
WAS A PLACE CAN BE BAD, WORK AND
IT COULD BE BAD NOW?
>> THEY ALSO HAVE A SHORTER
PRESENTATION.
THEY MIGHT BE 30 SECONDS, YOU
GET A CHANCE TO TEST SOMETHING
AND SEE IF IT WORKS.
I HAVE A RULE, I NEVER SAY "WHEN
WE WERE KIDS, WE WERE SO MUCH
BETTER."
I HEARD THAT WHEN I WAS A KID
AND I VOWED NOT TO DO IT BECAUSE
LOOK AT ALL THE TALENT THAT'S
OUT THERE.
>> ARE CLUBS -- ARE THEY STILL
POPULAR?
>> Bill: THEY STILL ARE BUT
PEOPLE GO IN THERE WITH PHONES
AND IF YOU TRY SOMETHING AND
IT'S A LITTLE OUT-OF-BOUNDS IT
MAY BE ON TWITTER, YOU MAY BE
CANCELED BEFORE YOUR CAREER GETS
STARTED.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, WE COULD BE
BAD IN WAYS AND TEST THE
BOUNDARIES AND NO ONE KNEW UNTIL
WE GOT HIGHER UP AND STILL DID
IT AND GOT IN TROUBLE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I WAS A LITTLE BIT WITH CHRIS
ROCK ON THE OSCARS AND WE WENT
TO THE COMEDY STORE AND RUN IT
AND WE WANTED TO DO THAT AND
SOMEBODY WAS GOING TO FILM IT
AND THEY WILL POST IT AND IT
WILL BE RUINED.
HE SAID THAT WILL BE GREAT.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.
GOOD PUBLICITY.
>> Bill: EXCEPT IF THEY HAD
HEARD THE JOKES BEFORE, NOT SO
MUCH.
I COULD TALK TO YOU WILL NOT
COME I JUST WANTED TO SAY ONE OF
THE GREAT THINGS BUT WATCHING
YOU, I THINK AUDIENCES -- WE
LOVE IT WHEN WE SEE PEOPLE WHO
WE LOVE AND WE CAN TELL THAT
THERE GENUINE FRIENDS.
WE SEE IT WITH BANDS, WE HATE IT
WHEN FANS BREAK UP.
>> I HATED HEARING THAT THE
EAGLES DIDN'T GET ALONG.
>> Bill: SIMON AND GARFUNKEL,
WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE EACH OTHER?
>> AND THE BEATLES BREAKING UP.
>> Bill: EXACTLY, I JUST WANT
TO SAY I CAN SEE THE AFFECTION
AND IT'S CONTAGIOUS.
>> I LOVE THIS WHITE-HAIRED GUY!
STEVE!
BILL CAN SEE THE AFFECTION ON
US!
>> Bill: MARTIN AND MARTIN,
EVERYBODY!
HULU, AUGUST 31ST!
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
THEY CAN MAKE FUN OF ME ALL THEY
WANT.
>> THAT WAS GREAT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I WANT YOUR JOB ONE DAY, THAT
WAS FUN.
>> Bill: I DON'T USUALLY GET
THAT KIND OF STAR POWER HERE.
HERE'S OUR PANEL.
HE'S A NATIONAL CORRESPONDENT
FOR VICE NEWS TONIGHT AND
CO-HOST OF "THE FIFTH COLUMN"
PODCAST: MICHAEL MOYNIHAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE'S A COLUMNIST FOR USA TODAY
AND CONTRIBUTOR TO ABC NEWS:
OUR FRIEND, DONNA BRAZILE IS
BACK HERE, ALWAYS LOOKING
YOUNGER.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
LIKE OBAMA, BABY, I TURNED THAT
GOLDEN 60.
>> Bill: YOU CAN PASS FOR 40.
>> I STILL LIKE LIZ TAYLOR FEEL
LIKE A CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: THAT WAS NOT A GOOD
THING TO FEEL LIKE A CAT ON A
HOT TIN ROOF.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KIND OF
PUSSY YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
>> HOLD MY HEAD A LITTLE BIT?
>> Bill: THIS IS TURNING INTO
A VERY AWKWARD TRANSITION, INTO
A DISCUSSION OF AFGHANISTAN
CONSTANT.
[LAUGHTER]
WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THE
WORLD THAT'S WHAT'S OCCUPIED MY
MIND THIS WEEK, WE ALL KNEW
THERE WOULD BE A COLLAPSE, IT'S
JUST -- SOMETIMES IT SHOULDN'T
BE SHOCKING BECAUSE IT HAPPENED
IN VIETNAM BUT AT LEAST IN
VIETNAM, IT TOOK A COUPLE OF
YEARS, AFTER THE UNITED STATES
PULLED OUT.
>> THE WHOLE THING TOOK LESS
TIME TOO.
THIS IS LONGER THAN VIETNAM.
>> Bill: THE WAR WAS.
WE PULLED OUT, THIS WAS A REAL
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN
THE ASS.
WE WERE ALWAYS DESTINED TO LOSE,
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE KNEW
THAT FROM THE BEGINNING OR SOME
PEOPLE DID, THE TELL A MAN ARE
LIKE CHILD MOLESTERS, YOU CAN
PUT THEM IN PRISON FOR TEN
YEARS, 20, 100, WHEN THEY GET
OUT, THEY'RE GOING TO DO IT
AGAIN.
THEY BURNED DOWN GIRLS SCHOOLS
BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT.
>> OLD SCHOOL.
>> Bill: OLD SCHOOL IS A VERY
CHARITABLE WAY OF TALKING ABOUT
THAT.
BUT I THOUGHT WHY DO WE LIKE IT?
I WAS READING ABOUT THE MONEY,
OF COURSE THE LIVES OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED IN AFGHANISTAN, BUT
ALSO, WE DON'T LOSE WARS -- WE
DON'T LOSE WARS, WE DON'T LOSE
PROFITS, THE TEN RICHEST
COUNTIES IN THE U.S. ARE ALL --
SEVEN OF THE TEN OF THE TEN
RICHEST COUNTIES, ALL OUTSIDE OF
WASHINGTON, D.C.
LOUDOUN COUNTY, FALLS CHURCH,
FAIRFAX COUNTY, FAIRFAX CITY,
HOWARD COUNTY, ARLINGTON COUNTY,
WHY IS THAT?
IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE
MONEY IS.
>> WHEN WE STARTED THIS WAR,
OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM.
WE WERE SPENDING ABOUT
$200 BILLION AND SOME CHANGE IN
MILITARY, WHAT IS IT UP TO NOW,
700, 800 BILLION?
THAT'S ONE PART OF THE BUDGET WE
HAVE NOT CUT.
THERE WAS A SLOW DOWN AT ONE
PERIOD BUT WE'VE BEEN SPENDING A
LOT OF MONEY, WHEN YOU LOOK AT
THOSE OUTLYING COUNTIES, THOSE
ARE DEFENSE CONTRACTORS,
LOBBYISTS, ET CETERA.
$1 TRILLION.
>> Bill: ALL THE MONEY THAT
TRICKLES DOWN TO ALL THE PIGS AT
THE TROUGH, WE MAY LOSE WARS BUT
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT LOSING
MONEY.
>> HELL NO.
WE'RE LOSING SOMETHING ELSE.
IN ADDITION TO GOING INTO
AFGHANISTAN TO BRING SOME DEGREE
OF NORMALCY TO A COUNTRY THAT
WAS NEVER NORMAL, WE DECIDED IT
WAS IMPORTANT TO GO AFTER THE
PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED US ON 9/11,
RIGHT?
WE DECIDED IT WAS IMPORTANT TO
MAKE SURE IT WAS NOT A
SAFE HAVEN AGAIN FOR TERRORISTS,
RIGHT?
WHAT ARE WE DOING NOW?
WE ALSO TRIED TO DO SOME
REBUILDING, TRAIN THEIR ARMY,
HELP WOMEN AND GIRLS, WE DEALT
WITH THE HUMANITARIAN CRISIS, AT
THE END OF THE DAY, THE
TELEVANGELWAITEDUS OUT.
WHEN HE SIGNED A DEAL, HE SIGNED
A DEAL WITH PRECONDITIONS, HE
GAVE THEM A DATE AND A DEADLINE
AND JOE BIDEN'S HANDS ARE TIED
AND HE'S SAYING WE ARE OUT.
>> I NEVER WANT TO BE THE
POSITION OF DEFENDING
DONALD TRUMP, THERE'S NOT A LOT
YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE
NEGOTIATING WITH THE TABILAN.
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE
BIFURCATED THIS IS THE GO TO
TABILAN, THE BAD TABILAN -- IN
PAKISTAN, THEY ARE ALL BAD.
THE SECOND YOU ENTER
NEGOTIATIONS WITH SEVENTH
CENTURY PSYCHOPATHS, YOU HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND THEY ARE NEVER GOING
TO ABIDE BY ANYTHING.
IT'S TEN CITIES, 12 CITIES
ALREADY, I'M THINKING THIS
MORNING, WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT
ON 9/11, 20 YEARS AFTER THOSE
ATTACKS, THE PEOPLE WHO LAUNCH
THOSE ATTACKS WERE HARBORED IN
THAT COUNTRY ARE GOING TO BE
RETAKING FUCKING COBBLE.
THAT REALLY RUBS IT IN YOUR FAC
FACE.
>> MORE DISCIPLES, THEY'RE
FINALLY CAPTURING ALL THE BASES
AND ALL OF THE TANKS BUT THEY
ARE WRITING A MOTORCYCLE.
A LOT OF THE WARLORDS ARE SAYING
THROW IN THE TOWEL AND I READ
SOMEWHERE THAT THE
VICE PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY
HAS ALREADY LEFT AND WENT TO ONE
OF THOSE STANES.
>> DOES WHAT?
>> TAJIKISTAN -- I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE, IF I CAN'T SMOKE AND
DRINK, HELL WITH YOU.
THAT'S WHY I SAY THEY ARE SCHOO
SCHOOL.
>> Bill: THIS IS THE MOST
DIFFICULT THING, WHAT THEY ARE
GOING TO DO TO THE WOMEN.
IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE THUS.
JOE BIDEN, HE WAS AGAINST THIS
BACK IN 2009.
IT WAS OBAMA AND BUSH WHO
THOUGHT OH, SERGE, WE'LL SURGE,
LIKE THAT WAS EVER GOING TO
CHANGE ANYTHING.
THE CHOICE WAS EITHER STAY THERE
FOREVER TO PROTECT WOMEN OR
THIS.
>> THOSE THINGS CAN WORK IN THE
SHORT TERM, THEY DID IN IRAQ BUT
THE PROBLEM IS WE CAN WIN WARS
IF IT JUST MEANS BEATING BAD
GUYS AND THAT'S IT BUT BEATING
BAD GUYS AND STAYING AROUND AND
KEEPING THAT INFRASTRUCTURE AND
MAKING SURE IT BLOSSOMS INTO
SOCIETY, THIS IS NOT 1945, THAT
WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN AND
YOU SEE THESE LISTS, SOME OF
THEM ARE HEARTENING AND
IMPRESSIVE ABOUT WHAT HAS
HAPPENED IN AFGHANISTAN OVER THE
PAST 20 YEARS, THE NUMBER OF
GIRLS WHO GO TO SCHOOL -- YES,
IT'S ALL GONE NOW, IT'S ALL
GOING AWAY.
I'M GLAD THERE WAS A GENERATION
FOR 20 YEARS NEVER KNOWING THE
TALIBAN BUT THEY ARE ABOUT TO
KNOW WHAT AGAIN.
>> Bill: WHEN THEY VOTED ON
THIS IN 2001, THERE WAS ONE
PERSON IN CONGRESS, BARBARA LEE.
ONE PERSON, LIKE THE MOVIE 12
ANGRY MEN.
SOMETIMES JUST ONE PERSON IS
RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS
FUCKING WRONG.
>> WHAT A GREAT WOMAN OF
COURAGE.
>> Bill: SHE VOTED AGAINST THE
WAR.
>> THE AFGHAN GOVERNMENT HAS TO
SHORE UP SOME OF THIS
RESPONSIBILITY, THEY ARE
CORRUPT.
>> Bill: IT'S OVER, THERE IS
NO MORE AFGHAN GOVERNMENT AND
THERE NEVER COULD BECOME A
CLIENT STATE RULED 7,000 MILES
AWAY FROM PEOPLE WITH A
DIFFERENT CULTURE AND RELIGION,
AFTER VIETNAM, WHY WE THOUGHT WE
COULD JUST -- WE DON'T LEARN.
WE JUST DON'T LEARN.
THIS THING ABOUT THE MONEY, IT'S
LIKE NOW WE HAVE A $1 TRILLION
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL, WE NEED TO
REBUILD INFRASTRUCTURE.
ON TOP OF THAT, THEY WANT
ANOTHER, THE DEMOCRATS WANT AND
MAY GET 3.5 TRILLION, THAT'S THE
SECOND INFRASTRUCTURE, I'M SURE
THERE ARE A LOT OF WORTHY THINGS
IN THERE BUT IF YOU ASK ME WHAT
CONFIDENCE THAT YOU HAVE THAT
THESE NUMBERS TRILLION FOR THE
FIRST BILL, 3.5 TRILLION FOR THE
OTHER BILL ARE WHAT SHIT
ACTUALLY COSTS?
I WOULD SAY NONE.
WE JUST MAKE NUMBERS AND PULL
THEM OUT OF OUR ASS.
WE DID IT IN AFGHANISTAN, WE DO
IT HERE.
IF THE SECOND BILL COSTS
$350 BILLION IT'S STILL A LOT AS
OPPOSED TO 3.5 TRILLION, WOULD
IT BE ANY DIFFERENT?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> NUMBERS ARE MEANINGLESS TO
PEOPLE, TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS
NEEDS NOTHING.
IT'S A THOUSAND BILLION.
>> FOR A COLLAPSED BRIDGE AND
FOR HAVING A 1933 RAIL SYSTEM.
BY THE TIME I GET TO NEW YORK --
>> Bill: I KNOW WE NEED TO DO
THAT, BUT DOES IT COST WHAT THEY
ARE SAYING IT COSTS?
OR IS IT ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND
COUNTIES AROUND WASHINGTON
MAKING THOSE NUMBERS UP AND
GETTING THAT MONEY?
>> IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
>> THERE'S ALWAYS MORE MONEY TO
BE HAD.
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF GOOD
PEOPLE AROUND THAT BELTWAY AND I
HAVE TO SPEAK UP FOR THEM
BECAUSE I LIVE WITHIN THE
BELTWAY.
I LIVE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., I'M
A CITY GIRL, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T LOBBIED
BUT YOU GAVE ME A REASON WHY I
SHOULD.
>> Bill: IS NOT JUST LOBBIES.
>> I KNOW, BABY, I KNOW.
MAYBE YOU CAN COME VISIT MY DIGS
ONCE I GET THOSE GIGS.
>> Bill: MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO A
SHOW WITH STEVE MARTIN.
>> HE HAS THE ORIGINAL HAIR!
>> Bill: AGAIN, AWKWARD
TRANSITION TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> I'M ALWAYS HOT, HONEY.
>> Bill: "I'M ALWAYS HOT."
>> COME ON, SUGAR, LAY IT ON US!
>> Bill: HOW DO YOU YOUR
SALTS?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I DID IN THE
BACK ROOM?
HE HAS SOME LIQUOR.
>> Bill: WHO DOES?
>> THIS BROTHER.
>> ME?
>> I SAID I'LL GIVE YOU MY TWO
CLEAR BOTTLES OF LIQUOR IF YOU
GIVE ME THAT BROWN LIQUOR, WE
MADE A SWAP.
>> YOU DRINK IT, OBVIOUSLY.
>> I WOULD NEVER DRINK BEFORE A
SHOW!
>> Bill: I DO!
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I'M GONNA WHAT MY WHISTLE.
>> Bill: I SAVE MY DRUNK FOR
THE PEOPLE I REALLY CARE ABOUT!
U.N. CLIMATE REPORT.
IT'S SO DEPRESSING, I'M GLAD WE
ARE LAUGHING.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Bill: BECAUSE THE WORLD IS
DYING.
LINDA MEANS, SENIOR CLIMATE
SCIENTISTS GUARANTEED IT'S GOING
TO GET WORSE, I DON'T SEE
ANYWHERE THAT'S SAFE, NOWHERE TO
RUN, NOWHERE TO HIDE, HAVE A
GOOD SUMMER.
[LAUGHTER]
'S LATEST REPORT, THIS IS WHAT
DEPRESSES ME.
234 SCIENTISTS, 14,000 STUDIES
COME I FEEL LIKE DEJA VU.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE READ THIS
STORY A BILLION TIMES JUST ON
THIS SHOW.
IF WE DON'T DO IT RIGHT NOW,
IT'S TOO LATE!
AND WE NEVER DO AND IT IS
GETTING TOO LATE, I'M NOT
DOUBTING THAT IT IS GOING TO
HAPPEN, IT IS DEFINITELY
HAPPENING.
I'M JUST SAYING NO ONE CARES.
NO ONE CARES ENOUGH, WE JUST, AS
A SOCIETY, AS A WORLD, MADE A
DECISION LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE,
HOLD HANDS AND DRIVE OVER THE
GRAND CANYON.
>> IT ALSO HAS THE OPPOSITE
EFFECT TOO, I SPENT FIVE YEARS
UNFORTUNATELY OUT WITH PEOPLE
WHO WERE MOSTLY FROM VOTERS AND
WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT CLIMATE
CHANGE, IT USUALLY DOES THAT
COMES UP BY THE WAY, THEY HAVE
BEEN SAYING THIS FOR SO LONG.
IT'S GOING TO BE A DISASTER AND
WHAT HAS HAPPENED?
AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE POINT BACK
TO THE 1970s, THEY SAID THERE
WAS GOING TO BE GLOBAL COOLING,
THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE A
FEW MORE DATA POINTS BUT IT DOES
HAVE THAT EFFECT BECAUSE MUCH
LIKE SPENDING, PEOPLE CAN'T GET
A SENSE ABOUT PERIOD OF TIME AND
WHAT HAPPENED.
THIS IS THE SAME OLD STUFF WE
HEAR, THERE'S MORE GOVERNMENT
CONTROL AND GOVERNMENT SPENDING.
>> THE EARTH IS CONSTANTLY
TELLING US TO WAKE UP, RIGHT?
I SOUGHT IN KATRINA, THAT
LITERALLY WIPED MY HOME CITY OF
NEW ORLEANS OFF THE MAP, THANK
GOD WE HAD A FEW LEVEES THAT
HELD UP SOME OF THE
NEIGHBORHOODS.
THE TRUTH IS, BILL, THIS HAS
BEEN HAPPENING FOR A LONG TIME
AND WE KEEP IGNORING THE
SCIENCE.
I'M AFRAID WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF
TIME.
REMEMBER AL GORE?
HE WROTE THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH,
I USED TO LOOK AT AL GORE AND
THINK HE WAS ABSOLUTELY NUTS, WE
WENT TO HARLEM ONCE, I SAID TALK
ABOUT EDUCATION WITH BLACK
PEOPLE, TALK ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS,
HE WALKED IN THE ROOM AND DREW A
MAP ON THE WALL AND I SAID OH
SHIT THIS MAN IS CRAZY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
HE'D SAID THIS IS THE EARTH AND
ITS WARMING AND I'M LIKE BLACK
PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
THAT, IT'S BEEN HOT OUR WHOLE
LIVES, WE CAME OUT OF AFRICA,
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
HE SAT THERE AND HE GOT THE
ENDORSEMENT BECAUSE IT'S GOING
TO BE POOR PEOPLE AND POOR
COMMUNITIES THAT ARE GOING TO
SUFFER MOST, ALL OF US WILL
SUFFER BUT WE NEED TO PAY
ATTENTION BECAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE
IS REAL.
I HAVE TO SAY THIS THEN I'M
GOING TO SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT.
LAST YEAR, WE HAD FIVE
HURRICANES.
IT'S ONE THING WHEN YOU GO
THROUGH ALICE, GET YOUR ASS
AWAY, BETTY, THEY START GIVING
THOSE HURRICANES THAT ARE NAMED
AFTER THE GREEK ALPHABET AND YOU
KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN YOU
GO INTO THE GREEK ALPHABETS,
THAT'S WHAT YOU BETTER BE CLEAR,
THIS SHIT IS BAD.
IF YOU THINK DELTA COME AWAY TO
GET TO EPSILON, LAMBDA, IF YOU
GET TO OMEGA, YOUR ASS IS GONE.
I GIVE THE BALANCE OF MY TIME.
I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
>> Bill: I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE
YOU, YOU ARE SO FUNNY, DON'T
STOP DRINKING >> THIS IS
ACTUALLY WATER, YOU SHOULD SEE
WHAT I'M GOING TO PUT
IN THIS CLASS WHEN I GET OFF THE
SHOW.
>> Bill: IN THEM MONOLOGUE I
MENTIONED ANDREW CUOMO'S BOOK
THEM I WAS READING HIS BOOK, HIS
REAL BOOK "AMERICAN CRISIS:
LEADERSHIP LESSONS; 19" -- I WAS
HAVING KIND OF A CHUCKLE TO GET
GET -- IT HAS NOT AGED WELL A
LOT OF PEOPLE WRITE BOOKS AND A
LOT OF THEM DON'T AGE WELL, WE
DUG UP SOME OF THE ONES, YOU MAY
HAVE FORGOTTEN SOME OF THESE
BOOKS, I'M TELLING YOU A LOT OF
BOOKS DON'T AGE WELL, WHAT YOU
LIKE TO HEAR SOME OF THE ONES?
I THINK YOU WOULD.
ANTHONY WIENER'S: TWEET SMELL OF
SUCCESS: HOW TO USE SOCIAL MEDIA
TO SILENCE YOUR CRITICS.
DID NOT AGED WELL.
MICHAEL AVENATTI'S: CLANG!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE DONALD
TRUMP, IT'LL BE THROUGH PRISON
BARS!
DID NOT AGED WELL.
[LAUGHTER]
MIKE LINDELL'S: NO WHERE BUT UP:
RECLAIMING YOUR INTEGRITY AFTER
CRACK.
[LAUGHTER]
NEVER GOT IT.
JOSH DUGGAR'S: CHILD REARING THE
DUGGAR WAY!.
DID NOT...
YOU KNOW IT DIDN'T AGE WELL?
NIC CAGE: NEVER DO IT FOR THE
MONEY -- MY LIFE IN FILM
ARMIE HAMMER'S: THE PEOPLE'S
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
DIET.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SIEGFRIEID & ROY'S: NO BAD CATS:
TRAINING TIPS FROM THE EXPERTS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
DIDN'T AGE WELL!
RUDY GIULIANI: NEVER LET "EM SEE
YOU SWEAT
DID NOT AGED WELL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DON'T YOU THINK ANDREW CUOMO, IF
HE HAD JUST ADMITTED INSTEAD OF
LYING, IF HE WOULD'VE SAID YOU
GOT ME, I WAS TRYING TO GET
LAID, HE WASN'T MARRIED IT WAS
LIKE HE WAS CHEATING ON HIS
WIFE.
IF YOU LIKE THIS IS A BIG
PROBLEM IN AMERICA, MEN WITHOUT
GAME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> YOU THINK LACK OF GAME?
YOU THINK HE WOULD HAVE SURVIVED
HAD HE JUST?
>> Bill: NO, I JUST THINK I
WOULDN'T HATE THEM AS MUCH.
IF HE WOULD HAVE SAID YOU KNOW
WHAT, I'M A LONELY GUY.
WHEN POWERFUL MEN CAN'T GET LAID
IT'S A TERRIBLE TRAP THEY'RE IN,
I'M SO POWERFUL AND NO LADIES
LIKE ME -- SO THEY WIND UP DOING
HORRIBLE THINGS.
>> WHAT A SHAME.
>> Bill: WHAT I SAID OR WHAT
HE DID?
>> BOTH.
HE DON'T NEED GAME, TO CREATE
THE KIND OF TOXIC ATMOSPHERE AND
CLIMATE, I AM SO GLAD THAT HE
DECIDED TO RESIGN.
I'M SO GLAD.
>> Bill: NOT REALLY DECIDED,
KICKED OUT.
>> I DON'T THINK HE WOULD'VE
SURVIVED IF YOU LOOK AT WHAT
HAPPENED TO AL FRANKEN OF PEOPLE
IN HIS OWN PARTY.
>> 11 WOMEN CAME FORWARD?
HE WAS DIGGING IN, HE WAS
PLAYING A DONALD TRUMP, I'M IN
DENIAL, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO
ME.
>> Bill: WHAT HE DID WAS NOT
AS BAD AS TRAMP, I ASKED THE
STAFF TO COME UP WITH A LIST OF
PEOPLE IN BOTH PARTIES WHO HAVE
HAD SEX SCANDALS, SINCE 1960, I
CROSSED UP FOR THE ONES I DIDN'T
REMEMBER, THE NAME DIDN'T RING A
BELL.
I WOULD LIKE TO SCROLL THROUGH
AND SHOW YOU, HERE THEY ARE.
BOTH PARTIES, DEMOCRATS AND
REPUBLICANS, IT'S QUITE A FEW
MEN!
AND OF COURSE THE WINNER, BY
SIX, THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
STILL A LOT, THAT'S 96 PEOPLE.
THAT'S JUST THE ONES WHO GOT
CAUGHT, I'M SURE THERE WERE
OTHERS.
>> THAT SEEMS SLIGHTLY LOW TO
ME.
>> Bill: DISCUSS.
>> POWER, IT'S ABOUT POWER, WE
GOT TO CHANGE THE CULTURE, IT'S
TOXIC AND KEPT WOMEN BEHIND.
>> Bill: YOU SAID YOU WERE
JUST 60?
>> YEAH, BABY, 61 TO BE HONEST.
>> Bill: YOU CAN TAKE A YEAR
OFF, YOU COULD TAKE 20 YEARS
OFF.
>> I'VE LOST A YEAR!
WE ALL DID, THAT PANDEMIC.
I GOT TO MEET MYSELF FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I HAD NEVER SPENT SEVEN DAYS A
WEEK AT HOME, THE FIRST THING I
SAID WAS WHAT DO PEOPLE DO ALL
DAY?
I HAD NO IDEA, I MISS TRAVELING,
I MISS BEING OUT WITH PEOPLE.
>> Bill: ME TO!
>> I LOVE YOU!
>> Bill: I'M THERE.
OBAMA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
>>> WASN'T INVITED.
>>> Bill: DID NEITHER WAS I, ITS
GETTING A LOT OF SHIT FROM THE
RIGHT WING, THEY SAID IT'S
ELITIST.
HE'S A VERY RICH AND SUCCESSFUL
GUY, MITT ROMNEY SAYS WE SHOULD
PUNISH SUCCESS, LET'S NOT PUNISH
SUCCESS, WHEN YOU ARE THAT
SUCCESSFUL, YOU GET TO THROW
YOURSELF A BIG ASS BIRTHDAY
PARTY.
>> IT'S THE NEW REPUBLICAN
PARTY, ITS POPULIST.
>> Bill: SOMEBODY GOT IN
TROUBLE WHEN THERE WAS A LOT OF
TALK ABOUT --
>> ERIC SHE SNAPPED THE PICTURE.
>> Bill: SO WHAT >> MAINSTREAM
MEDIA SILENCE WHILE OBAMA DANCES
MASK LESS AND THEN SOMEBODY AT
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" SO I OFTEN
HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEM WITH, THIS
IS A SOPHISTICATED, VACCINATED
CROWD AND PEOPLE JUMPED ON THAT.
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY YES,
THAT'S RELEVANT.
>> WAS SHE QUOTING SOMEONE WAS
NOT >> Bill: THEY SAID BUT
LOLLAPALOOZA -- LOLLAPALOOZA IS
NOT A SOPHISTICATED VACCINATED
CROWD, IT'S A BUNCH OF CRAZY
KIDS KIDS WERE NOT VACCINATED ON
ECSTASY, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
>> IT PROVES THE POINT, IT WAS
300,000 PEOPLE WHO WANT TO
LOLLAPALOOZA IN CHICAGO WHICH
WAS SHOCKING AND THERE WERE 200
CASES, 300 CASES AND I DON'T
THINK ANYONE REQUIRED
HOSPITALIZATION AT PEOPLE ARE
ATTACKING OBAMA FOR PARTISAN
PURPOSES.
IF REPUBLICANS WANT TO BE
CONSISTENT ABOUT THIS, ATTACKING
LOCKDOWNS AND PARTICULARLY IN
CALIFORNIA, COVERING THESE
THINGS UP, THIS IS THE EXACT
SAME THING.
ALL THE STUFF WAS OUTSIDE.
>> Bill: IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SUPER SANCTIMONIOUS ABOUT COVID
WHICH I'M NOT FOR BUT GAVIN
NEWSOM, NANCY PELOSI,
LORI LIGHTFOOT, THEY ALL GOT
CAUGHT BEING HYPOCRITES.
SAYING EVERYBODY BE CAREFUL BUT
I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN, WE
ALL WANT TO LIVE OUR LIFE AGAIN.
>> THEY SET POLICY FOR THEIR
STATES, BARACK OBAMA LIVES IN
MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
>> HE HAD A COVERT COORDINATOR,
EVERYONE WAS VACCINATED, THAT
WAS A REQUIREMENT.
PLUS, AS YOU ARE WELL AWARE,
BOTH THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND
FORMER FIRST LADY HAVE SPENT
COUNTLESS HOURS OUT THERE
WARNING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
ENCOURAGING THEM TO GET TESTED,
ENCOURAGING THEM TO GET
VACCINATED, THEY DID THAT.
I DON'T LIKE THE CRITICISM, I
WASN'T INVITED, I WENT TO EVERY
WHITE HOUSE PARTY WHEN HE WAS
PRESIDENT, IT KNOW W -- EIGHT NO
PARTY LIKE A WHITE HOUSE PARTY
BECAUSE A WHITE HOUSE PARTY WILL
STOP!
AFTER MIKE >> YOU DON'T CARE
THAT YOU DIDN'T GET INVITED?
DID YOU GET CAUGHT?
>> I WOULD'VE BEEN PISSED, AFTER
I BOUGHT MY DRESS AND HAD MY
SHOES.
I WAS NOT CUT I WOULD'VE USED
THAT MOMENT TO SAY TOM HANKS,
CUT OF PSA FOR PEOPLE IN THE
ICU.
>> Bill: OPRAH DID MAKE IT
EITHER.
IF I COULD RETURN THE SPECTER OF
GLOBAL WARMING --
>> OH, LORD.
>> Bill: YOU KILL ME.
THAT'S NOT REPRIMANDING YOU.
>> BACK TO MY DRAWING BOARD.
>> Bill: A LOT OF PEOPLE FLEW
IN ON PRIVATE JETS BECAUSE OF
THOSE THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE.
I WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT THE
ENVIRONMENT AND THERE'S NOTHING
MORE SELFISH YOU CAN DO THAN
TAKE A PRIVATE JET AND EVERYONE
WHO WAS GOING TO THAT PARTY IS
AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.
THIS IS BEEN GOING ON EVER SINCE
THE ENVIRONMENT WAS AN ISSUE.
IF YOU CAN TAKE A PRIVATE JET,
PEOPLE DO.
I DON'T CARE HOW BIG OF AN
ENVIRONMENTALIST THEY SAY THEY
ARE, I DO IT MYSELF TO GET TO
GIGS OR I COULDN'T EVEN DO THE
GIG MOST OF THE TIME.
YOU COULD MAKE THE CASE -- BUT
HOW MANY PEOPLE IN AMERICA IF
THEY COULD TAKE A PRIVATE JET
WOULD REFUSE IT?
I THINK IT'S ABOUT 1% BECAUSE
ALL THESE ENVIRONMENTALISTS DO
IT, IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN
RESIST.
PEOPLE CANNOT RESIST A PRIVATE
JET.
THEY WILL MAKE EXCUSES AND SAY I
BOUGHT CARBON OFFSETS, WE ARE
ALL DRIVING OFF THE GRAND CANYON
HOLDING HANDS, IS THE DECISION
WE MADE.
>> I LOVE THE COMMENT BUT I
DON'T HAVE ANY --
>> Bill: YOU WOULD GO?
>> YEAH, OF COURSE, I DON'T WANT
TO GO THROUGH Z SIOUX FALLS?
>> Bill: JAY-Z WOULD NOT GO ON
THE SPIRIT AIRLINES.
>> IS A GREAT FERRY OVER TO
MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
>> Bill: THAT SWEDISH KID CAN
TAKE THE FERRY, THESE PEOPLE
CAME ON THE PRIVATE JET.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO ASK YOU
ABOUT -- WHAT, IT'S YOUR
BAILIWICK.
>> I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GO
BACK TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> Bill: NINA TURNER -- THERE
WAS A SPECIAL ELECTION IN OHIO,
SHE WAS A FIREBRAND, SHE SAID
DURING THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
ABOUT BIDEN, YOU HAVE A BOWL OF
SHIT IN FRONT OF YOU, IT'S STILL
SHIT.
SO SHE LOST, WHICH IS GOOD.
THEY THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO
WIN.
>> HER OPPONENT CAME FROM BEHIN
BEHIND.
>> Bill: THE FAR LEFT FACTION,
THE SQUAD TYPE FOLKS, SHE'S MORE
IN THAT GROUP.
I FEEL LIKE WE ARE BREAKING DOWN
INTO VOTERS AND FOLLOWERS.
CERTAIN PEOPLE GO BY WHAT THE
FOLLOWERS WANT AND CERTAIN
PEOPLE GO BY WHAT THE VOTERS
WANT.
I THINK YOU'RE ON THE VOTERS
SIDE.
>> NINA IS A FRIEND -- SHNOTEL
IS A MODERATE, MEMBERS OF THE
CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS, AT
THE END OF THE DAY YOU KNOW
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
NINA SPENT MONEY ON TV, SHE
FORGOT TO DIRECT PEOPLE TO THE
POLLS.
>> Bill: IS NOT COOL TO SAY
VOTING FOR BIDEN'S VOTING FOR
SHIT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THAT'S A LITTLE -- COME ON.
SHE ALSO WOULDN'T ENDORSE
HILLARY, THIS IDEA THAT I GO ON
A POLITICAL HUNGER STRIKE AND
THEN WE ALL WIN.
>> SHE WON FIVE OUT OF THE NINE
BLACK WARDS AND CLEVELAND ITSELF
AND CUYAHOGA COUNTY, SHE DIDN'T
DO AS WELL, I LOOK AT THE STATS.
SHE LOST THE SUBURBS, IT WAS NOT
ABOUT THE BOWL OF SHIT, IT WAS
ABOUT REMINDING PEOPLE THERE WAS
AN ELECTION THAT MATTERS.
>> Bill: POLITICS IS THE ART
OF THE PRACTICAL AND THE
POSSIBLE.
I GOT TO GO TO NEW RULES.
THANK YOU, CRAZY PEOPLE.
NEW RULE: COUNTRY MUSIC HAS TO
ADMIT IT HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.
[LAUGHTER]
APPLE MUSIC'S "TODAY'S COUNTRY"
PLAYLIST INCLUDES THE SONGS "AT
THE END OF A BAR," "BEERS ON
ME," "WISHFUL DRINKING," "COLD
BEER CALLING MY NAME," "DRUNK
[AND I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME],"
"DRINKIN' BEER.
TALKIN' GOD.
AMEN," "COLD AS YOU," WHICH IS
ABOUT BEER, "CAN DOWN" WHICH IS
ALSO ABOUT BEER, "TEQUILA ON A
BOAT," AND "THROW IT BACK."
[LAUGHTER]
WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION: IF
THE HEARTLAND IS SO GREAT, WHY
CAN'T THEY ENJOY IT SOBER?
[LAUGHTER]
>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
>> Bill: I DID IT FOR YOU!
NEW RULE: STOP MAKING
COMPARISONS BETWEEN THIS "DILDO"
SIGN IN THE TOWN OF DILDO,
CANADA AND OUR HOLLYWOOD SIGN
HERE IN LA.
FOR ONE THING, A DILDO IS A
PHONY PRICK, AND.
NEVER MIND.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: JOE BIDEN MUST LET THE
CANADIANS BACK IN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS WEEK CANADA REOPENED ITS
BORDER TO AMERICANS, BUT WE
DIDN'T DO THE SAME IN RETURN.
WHAT IS THAT ABOOT?
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S CANADA.
YOU KNOW, AMERICA WITHOUT THE
PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, WHAT ARE
THEY GOING TO DO, TAKE ALL THE
GOOD-PAYING IMPROV COMEDY JOBS
AWAY FROM AMERICANS?
OKAY, THEY PROBABLY WILL, BUT
[LAUGHTER]
STILL.
NEW RULE: NOW THAT THE LATEST
ISSUE OF BATMAN COMICS HAS ROBIN
COMING OUT AS BISEXUAL, SOMEONE
HAS TO GET BATMAN'S REACTION.
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S
GONNA BE.'SINCE WHEN DO YOU LIKE
GIRLS?"
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: IF YOU'RE SO DESPERATE
TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU'LL HAVE A
DENTIST IMPLANT THIS CLAMP ON
YOUR TEETH THAT PREVENTS YOU
FROM OPENING YOUR MOUTH WIDE
ENOUGH TO EAT SOLID FOOD --
MAYBE JUST TRY SALAD?
WHAT'S THE POINT OF ACHIEVING A
GREAT BODY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU
CAN BRAG ABOUT IT IS BY SAYING
"CHECK OUT MY TIGHT ASS!"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
SOMEONE HAS TO TELL ME: WHY IS
THIS GUY ALWAYS IN THE DOGHOUSE
WITH THE ONLINE HALL MONITORS OF
RIGHTEOUSNESS?
IT'S A PHENOMENON THAT TRULY
FASCINATES ME -- THAT EVERY
COUPLE YEARS, MATT DAMON, ONE OF
THE MOST LIKABLE GUYS IN
HOLLYWOOD, WITH IMPECCABLE
LIBERAL CREDENTIALS, IS FLAILING
AROUND IN CANCEL CULTURE
QUICKSAND.
IT HAPPENED AGAIN THIS MONTH
WHEN DAMON REVEALED THAT HE USED
TO USE A GAY SLUR.
I WON'T SAY THE WORD, BUT IT'S
THE ONE YOUR TEENAGE SON GREETS
HIS FRIENDS WITH WHEN THEY MEET
UP AT CHIPOTLE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S NOT ALWAYS MEANT AS A SLUR,
BUT IT'S WRONG, AND DAMON OWNED
UP, SAYING THAT WHILE COMING OF
AGE IN BOSTON IN THE '70S AND
'80S, THAT WORD WAS THROWN
AROUND WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT PUT
INTO IT, AND NOW.
NOW HE'S PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO
IT.
AND HE'S GOING TO STOP USING IT.
ONE MIGHT SAY HE BECAME "WOKE."
OKAY, HE WAS LATE TO THE PARTY
-- TO WHICH WE COULD SAY
"WELCOME, GLAD YOU MADE IT" OR
[APPLAUSE]
WE COULD SAY:
"YOU CAME LATER THAN I DID,
DIE!"
THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN
THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE MOTIVATED
NOT BY WHAT THEY REALLY BELIEVE,
BUT BY WHAT WILL GET TWITTER TO
REACT TO THEM WITH "LIKES" AND
RETWEETS.
THAT'S CALLED BAD FAITH.
IT'S WHY EVERY COUPLE YEARS I'M
READING HEADLINES LIKE USA TODAY
"I WISH I COULD CANCEL MATT
DAMON."
WASHINGTON POST "MATT DAMON HAS
MORE DAMONSPLAINING TO DO!"
DAILY BEAST "SHUT UP, MATT
DAMON."
VOX "MATT DAMON ISN'T A TERRIBLE
PERSON, HE'S JUST IGNORANT."
REALLY -- THAT BAD, IS HE?
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MATT DAMON?
I DON'T KNOW, HE'S GOT A CLEAN
WATER CHARITY AND DELIVERS FOOD
TO HAITI -- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE,
VOX HEADLINE WRITER?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND YET, HE IS ALWAYS GETTING
PULLED OVER BY THE WOKE POLICE
FOR SOMETHING - HE'S GOT A WOKE
RAP SHEET AS LONG AS YOUR ARM:
ON THE REBOOT OF THE "PROJECT
GREENLIGHT" SERIES HE WAS BOOKED
ON OBSTRUCTION OF SOCIAL JUSTICE
FOR MAINTAINING THAT A DIRECTOR
SHOULD BE CHOSEN ON MERIT FIRST.
BUT "MERIT FIRST' IS NOT
SYNONYMOUS WITH RACISM.
THINKING THAT IT IS -- THAT'S
KIND OF RACIST.
[APPLAUSE]
IN 2015 DAMON DID HARD TIME IN
TWITTER JAIL ON TWO COUNTS OF
ACCESSORY TO HOMOPHOBIA FOR
SAYING THAT ACTORS DO WELL WHEN
THEY KEEP THEIR PRIVATE LIVES
PRIVATE SO THAT AUDIENCES CAN
WATCH THE CHARACTER ON THE
SCREEN WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT
THE CARICATURE FROM THE
TABLOIDS, AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR
SEXUALITY.
WHICH IS TRUE.
ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE DANIEL
DAY-LEWIS IS I'M NOT SURE HE
EVEN EXISTS OFF SCREEN.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT IN "WOKEVILLE," SOMEHOW THAT
BECAME "GAY ACTORS SHOULD GO
BACK IN THE CLOSET."
WHICH IS NOT WHAT HE SAID, BUT
THE VERDICT WAS IN AND HE WAS
SENTENCED TO APPEAR ON ELLEN.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT HERE'S HOW UN-HOMOPHOBIC
MATT DAMON IS: HE FUCKED
LIBERACE!
IN 2016 THE MOVIE "THE GREAT
WALL" OPENED. AND DAMON WAS
BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES OF WHITE
WASHING IN THE 3RD DEGREE.
WHITE WASHING BEING WHEN
FILMMAKERS CAST WHITE ACTORS FOR
PARTS MEANT FOR PEOPLE OF COLOR.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS NOT
DOING.
HIS ROLE WAS NEVER MEANT FOR A
CHINESE ACTOR.
IN FACT, IT WAS A CHINESE MADE
MOVIE TARGETED PRIMARILY TO THE
CHINESE AUDIENCE THAT WAS
PURPOSEFULLY USING HIS WHITE ASS
SO THE MOVIE WOULD HAVE
CROSS-OVER APPEAL HERE.
NEVERTHELESS, WHEN I HEARD ABOUT
THIS, I IMMEDIATELY REPLACED
MATT'S POSTER OVER MY BED WITH
CHRIS EVANS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
2017: IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE
METOO MOVEMENT. DAMON WAS LOCKED
UP IN WOKEATRAZ ON A CHARGE OF
AGGRAVATED MANSPLAINING DURING A
RECKONING, AND WAS SENTENCED TO
NOT LESS THAN ONE YEAR OF HAVING
TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS, DURING
AN INTERVIEW WHERE DAMON CALLED
THE METOO MOVEMENT "WONDERFUL"
AND A "WATERSHED MOMENT," HE
ADDED THAT SEXUAL MISCONDUCT
INVOLVED "A SPECTRUM OF
BEHAVIOR" AND THAT THERE WAS "A
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PATTING
SOMEONE ON THE BUTT AND RAPE. "
TRUE.
UNDENIABLE.
AND UNFORGIVABLE.
EVEN THOUGH THE LEGAL SYSTEM HAS
ALWAYS DIFFERENTIATED DEGREES
FOR ALL CRIMES, EVEN MURDER.
OH MATT -- ALWAYS GETTING IN
TROUBLE FOR SAYING PERFECTLY
REASONABLE THINGS.
[APPLAUSE]
AND NOW HE'S DONE IT AGAIN BY
BREAKING LIAM'S LAW.
THAT'S THE LAW THAT REFERS TO
THE TIME A FEW YEARS BACK WHEN
ACTOR LIAM NEESON RECOUNTED A
STORY OF PERSONAL GROWTH
INVOLVING RACIST THOUGHTS HE HAD
AS A YOUNG MAN, BUT THEN
REALIZING THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS
AND EXPUNGING THE RACIST ELEMENT
FROM HIS ANGER.
BUT OF COURSE IN SO DOING, HE
COMMITTED THE CARDINAL SIN OF
ADMITTING HE WAS NOT BORN
PERFECT, AND DID NOT EMERGE FROM
THE WOMB COMPLETELY ENLIGHTENED.
LIKE BUDDHA.
AND NOW MATT'S DONE IT WITH HIS
GAY SLUR ADMISSION.
COMMITTED THE CRIME OF NOT
ALYS BEING THE PERSON YOU
WOULD BECOME.
I'M SO TIRED OF BAD FAITH
ARGUMENTS, AND IT'S ALL WE DO
NOW, ON BOTH SIDES OF OUR
DIVIDE.
TWO WEEKS AGO NANCY PELOSI
CALLED REPUBLICAN HOUSE LEADER
KEVIN MCCARTHY A MORON.
THAT'S NOT THE BAD FAITH PART OF
THE STORY, THAT'S TRUE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT A FEW DAYS LATER MCCARTHY
WAS SPEAKING TO A GROUP OF
REPUBLICANS, AND SAID, JOKINGLY
-- BUT HE'S KEVIN MCCARTHY --
THAT IF REPUBLICANS TOOK THE
HOUSE IN 2022 "I WANT YOU TO
WATCH NANCY PELOSI HAND ME THAT
GAVEL.
IT WILL BE HARD NOT TO HIT HER
WITH IT."
PELOSI'S OFFICE CALLED IT "A
THREAT OF VIOLENCE."
HAKEEM JEFFRIES SAID, "VIOLENCE
AGAINST WOMEN IS NO LAUGHING
MATTER."
AND ERIC SWALWELL SAID MCCARTHY
WAS "A WOULD-BE ASSAILANT" WHO
MUST "RESIGN."
SHUT UP.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
THIS IS WHAT BAD FAITH IS: YOU
DON'T REALLY THINK IT WAS A
THREAT OF VIOLENCE, OR THAT
ANYONE THINKS SUCH VIOLENCE
WOULD BE A LAUGHING MATTER, OR
THAT KEVIN MCCARTHY IS A
WOULD-BE ASSAILANT -- ANYMORE
THAN ANYONE THINKS MATT DAMON'S
A HOMOPHOBE.
AND MATT, MY ADVICE TO YOU: STOP
HUNTING FOR GOOD WILL, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA FIND MUCH IN THIS
COUNTRY.
OKAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I'LL BE AT THE PABST THEATRE IN
MILWAUKEE, AUGUST 14TH, AND AT
THE RYMAN IN NASHVILLE, AUGUST
15TH.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS
MICHAEL MOYNIHAN, DONNA BRAZILE,
STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT.
AND YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
FOLKS!
♪ ♪