♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
>> Bill: THANK YOU, MY
APPROPRIATELY SPACED PEOPLE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I APPRECIATE IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOOK AT YOU, YOU DID IT, YOU
CAME OUT, YOU BRAVED THE
PANDEMIC, I APPRECIATE IT,
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION,
AS A STORMY DANIELS ONCE SAID,
LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYTHING IS GOING ON AT ONCE.
THE ELECTION AND FUCKING
HALLOWEEN TOMORROW, THERE'S A
FULL MOON, WE'VE GOT TO SET OUR
CLOCKS BACK, CAN WE DO THAT?
MELANIA LOVES THAT, SHE GETS AN
EXTRA HOUR OF PRETENDING SHE'S
ASLEEP.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT THIS ELECTION, OVER
80 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE VOTED
ALREADY.
THAT'S WOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THE SUPREME COURT SAYS IT'S
EVEN MAY BE COUNTED.
WE NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE THIS
AMOUNT OF EARLY VOTING AND IT'S
GOOD, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
THE EARLY BIRD VOTES OUT THE
WORM.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
HOW ABOUT A BIG THANK YOU TO THE
POSTAL WORKERS OF AMERICA?
I KNOW THEY GET A LOT OF SHIT,
THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TRUMP TRIED TO MAKE IT HARD FOR
THEM, TRUMP HAS NOT BEEN THIS
SCARED OF THE MALES SINCE THE
DRAFT.
[LAUGHTER]
NOT THAT HE'S GIVING UP, THERE'S
A LOT OF VOTER INTIMIDATION
GOING ON OUT THERE, HAVE YOU
SEEN THAT ON THE NEWS?
A LOT OF TRUMP THUGS HARASSING
LIKELY BIDEN VOTERS, "POLL
WATCHERS" THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
IF YOU SEE ONE OF THESE POLL
WATCHERS, POINT AT YOUR CROTCH
AND GO "YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU CAN WATCH THIS POLE."
TRUMP HAS BEEN HAVING -- IS THIS
A COINCIDENCE?
HE'S BEEN HAVING THREE RALLIES A
DAY AND ALSO COVID-19 INFECTION
RATES ARE THE HIGHEST EVER, IT'S
ALMOST AS IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN
TRAVELING AROUND THE COUNTRY
SUPER SPREADING.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
TRUMP'S LIKE IF I'M GOING DOWN,
I'M TAKING EVERYBODY WITH ME.
BUT NOT HERE IN CALIFORNIA, OUR
RATE IS LOW COMPARED TO THE REST
OF THE COUNTRY, BECAUSE HE
DOESN'T COME HERE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T COME HERE!
IF WE WANT COVID TO HEAR, WILL
NOT GET IT THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY
FROM JUSTIN TURNER.
IT WENT ALL THROUGH THE
WHITE HOUSE, NOW MIKE PENCE,
THERE WAS A BIG OUTBREAK IN
MIKE PENCE'S OFFICE, FIVE OF HIS
AIDES TESTED POSITIVE AND HIS
FLY IS ON A VENTILATOR.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I LOVE THIS STORY, PHIL COLLINS,
THE LATEST MUSICIAN -- A LOT OF
THEM HAVE HAD TO TELL TRUMP STOP
USING MY MUSIC.
THE ROLLING STONES DID THIS,
AEROSMITH HAD TO TELL HIM, NEIL
YOUNG, ELTON JOHN, IT IS NOT
EASY BEING A BABY BOOMER TRUMP
FAN, YOUR ENTIRE PLAYLIST HATES
YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND OF COURSE, WE HAVE A NEW
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, AMY CONEY
BARRETT WAS SWORN IN ON MONDAY,
THE NEWEST SUPREME COURT JUDGE
AND THIS WAS EIGHT DAYS BEFORE
AN ELECTION.
WOW.
THAT'S LIKE MARRYING A WOMAN
AFTER HER WATER BREAKS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND SHE WENT TO THE COURT THE
OTHER DAY, RUTH BADER GINSBURG
STILL HAD STUFF IN THE FRIDGE.
WHAT?
WHAT WAS SO WRONG ABOUT THAT
ONE?
[LAUGHTER]
WE'VE GOT TO GET THE FULL CROWD
THERE'S ALWAYS GOOD TO BE 20
BACK.
WITH A STICK UP THEIR ASS.
[LAUGHTER]
THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL WITH
THE SUPREME COURT ON
ROE VS. WADE, GETTING
OVERTURNED.
I WAS DRIVING TO WORK TODAY, I
PASSED A PLANNED PARENTHOOD,
THEY HAD A SIGN OUT FRONT THAT
SAID "NOW PROVIDING ANAL
BLEACHING."
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS IT!
OH, EIG ANAL BLEACHING IS OKAY T
RUTH BADER GINSBURG'S
REFRIGERATOR IS OUT-OF-BOUNDS.
I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND -- THIS IS
AT, DID YOU VOTE?
ARE YOU GOING TO VOTE?
THIS IS THE MOMENT, I'M NOT
GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN UNTIL
AFTER.
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE.
VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE AND BY THE
WAY, FOR THIS ELECTION, IF YOU
VOTED THIRD PARTY, WE'RE GOING
TO GIVE YOU A STICKER THAT SAYS
"I FARTED."
OKAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
JOHN HEILEMANN AND LIS SMITH ARE
HERE, AND A LITTLE LATER WE'LL
BE SPEAKING WITH AUTHOR: DAVID
SANGER.
BUT FIRST, HE'S THE FORMER
DEMOCRATIC SENATOR FROM
MINNESOTA WHO NOW HOSTS THE AL
FRANKEN PODCAST: AL FRANKEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> THANK YOU.
>> Bill: LOOK AT THAT.
YOUR PAPERS ARE STICKING OUT OF
YOUR POCKET.
>> BY THE WAY, THANKS FOR THE
FREE COVID TEST.
THAT WAS NICE.
>> Bill: OUR PLEASURE.
ARE YOU NERVOUS, IT'S ELECTION
TIME, DOES IT GET THE OLD JUICES
FLOWING?
IF YOU REMEMBER THE OLD DAYS?
>> JUICES HAVE BEEN FLOWING FOR
QUITE A WHILE DURING THIS CYCLE.
YOU'VE SAID FOR TWO YEARS, I
THINK YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE TO
SAY THIS.
>> Bill: OVER TWO YEARS.
>> WHAT IF HE WON'T LEAVE?
AND MY ANSWER TO THAT IS THAT'S
GREAT, BECAUSE IF HE WON'T
LEAVE, THAT MEANS HE'S LOST.
AND HE WILL BE ESCORTED OUT AND
I'LL PICK THEM UP AND TAKE HIM
WHEREVER HE WANTS TO GO.
>> Bill: THIS IS WHAT
DEMOCRATS KEEP SAYING, DEMOCRATS
HAVE BEEN WRONG ABOUT SO MUCH,
YOU'LL EXCUSE ME AS I'M NOT SO
SANGUINE AS YOU ARE.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN OTHER
COUNTRIES, WE'VE SEEN THIS AND
MANY OTHER COUNTRIES AND NOW WE
ARE ONE OF THOSE COUNTRIES,
MAYBE.
>> I'M AFRAID HE'LL STEAL IT IF
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT.
>> Bill: WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT IS IF HE SAYS THERE IS
EASILY A SCENARIO WHICH YOU CAN
SEE HE'S NEVER GOING TO CONCEDE.
HE IS GOING TO SAY ALL KINDS OF
SHIT ABOUT "I'M HEARING ABOUT
BALLOTS, I'M HEARING ABOUT
THIS."
HE HAS A LOT OF ENABLERS AND
COURTS AND LEGISLATURES, SO IT
COMES TO JANUARY 20TH, HE'S
SAYING WE'VE GOT TO SUSPEND THIS
UNTIL WE FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING
ON.
YOU GUYS KEEP SAYING HE'LL BE
ESCORTED OUT BY PEOPLE IN THE
GOVERNMENT -- HE IS THE
GOVERNMENT!
>> JANUARY 20TH.
>> Bill: BY THE LAW.
>> AT THE SCENARIO HAPPENS,
JOE BIDEN WILL BE PRESIDENT, HE
WILL BE ESCORTED OUT.
>> Bill: IN YOUR DREAM,
PERHAPS.
>> WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IS
THE BOOGALOO BOYS AND EVERYBODY.
>> Bill: AT THE POINT WHERE
THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF SAYS THIS
ELECTION HAS BEEN RIGGED, IT'S
NOT FAIR, I'M STILL PRESIDENT
UNTIL WE FIGURE IT OUT, WE DON'T
KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
>> LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE ON
THIS ONE.
>> Bill: WE DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW LIBERALS
THE MILITARY LIKES, REALLY.
YOU ARE.
YOU PLAYED MANY USO SHOWS,
YOU'RE WELCOME THERE, THEY TRUST
YOU, THEY LIKE YOU, WHAT'S YOUR
ASSESSMENT ON IF THEY HAVE TO
GET INVOLVED?
>> THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT
CHIEFS OF STAFF WILL TAKE THEM
OUT.
>> Bill: OKAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HOPE SO BUT IT MIGHT NOT COME
DOWN TO HIM.
>> IT SHOULDN'T.
>> Bill: LOTS OF THINGS
SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
>> I KNOW ALONG THE WAY HE'S
GOING TO TRY TO STEAL IT, THAT'S
WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR
EVERYBODY TO VOTE.
I WON MY FIRST ELECTION BY 3112
VOTES.
>> Bill: YOU HAD RECOUNTS.
>> I HAD A RECOUNT, I DIDN'T GET
THERE UNTIL JULY.
I WON THE RECOUNT IN JANUARY BUT
THEY DID LEGAL STUFF TO KEEP ME
OUT BUT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE
3112 VOTES, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE
AFFORDABLE CARE ACT BECAUSE I
WAS THE 60TH VOTE.
THIS IS WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT,
THIS WAS -- I WANT YOUR AUDIENCE
TO GO TO JoeBiden.com/CALL
BECAUSE I KNOW -- EVERYONE TELLS
ME I'M SO NERVOUS.
I CAN'T WAIT, DO SOMETHING!
YOU CALL THERE, THEY WILL GIVE
YOU PEOPLE IN BATTLEGROUND
STATES, IF YOU LIVE IN L.A.,
THEY WON'T GIVE YOU SOMEBODY
ACROSS THE STREET.
IGNORE YOUR FAMILY, YOU CAN DO
THAT.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO COOK MEALS
FOR THEM, SCIENTIFIC PROOF, A
70-YEAR-OLD CAN USE A MICROWAVE
OVEN AND IT'S SCIENTIFICALLY
BEEN PROVEN THAT A 70-YEAR-OLD
CAN TEACH A FOUR YEAR OLD TO USE
A MICROWAVE OVEN.
>> Bill: WHAT THE SET HAVE TO
DO WITH BIDEN?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN.
AND HAPPILY SO, I KNOW.
>> Bill: WE DON'T HAVE TO
FIGHT ABOUT THAT.
>> NOT FIGHTING.
>> Bill: YOU SEEMED HOSTILE
ABOUT THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN --
>> I'M SO HAPPY YOU DON'T HAVE
CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT
TO HAVE CHILDREN.
>> Bill: I'M SO HAPPY TOO.
WE'RE BOTH SO HAPPY!
>> HERE IS WHAT THE JOKE MEANS,
WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT YOU WILL
AOFTEN HAVE TO PREPARE FOOD FOR
KIDS, BUT IF YOU'RE NOT, IF
YOU'RE LAZY ABOUT IT, YOU COULD
PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE AND A
7-YEAR-OLD KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT
AND I'M SAYING IT'S SCIENTIFIC
FACT WHICH IT REALLY ISN'T BUT
WE ALL KNOW IT IS, AND THE
SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT WENT EVEN
FURTHER WITH THE JOKE AND YOU
KNOW THIS, SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN
THAT A 7-YEAR-OLD CAN TEACH A
4-YEAR-OLD.
[LAUGHTER]
IN MY RIGHT?
THAT'S NOT WHAT WE WANT TO TALK
ABOUT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: IS IT TRUE THAT KIDS
SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS?
I'VE HEARD THAT OFTEN.
>> THEY ARE SO CUTE.
AND BY THE WAY, I DID MARRY
FRANNY IMMEDIATELY AFTER --
IF ANYONE SHOULD NOT LIKE THAT
JOKE IT'S FRANNIE.
WE GOT A LITTLE TIME LEFT, LET'S
CLICK.
>> Bill: LET'S GET ON --
WHAT'S EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN
KIDS AND MICROWAVES IS THE
SENATE.
HOW ABOUT THAT FOR A SEGWAY?
YOUR OLD PLACE OF BUSINESS.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Bill: IF BIDEN WINS AND
DOESN'T HAVE THE SENATE, MITCH
McCONNELL WILL STOP
EVERYTHING.
HE FILIBUSTERED MORE APPOINTEES
OF OBAMA'S THAN HAD BEEN
FILIBUSTERED IN THE ENTIRE
HISTORY, PREVIOUS HISTORY OF THE
UNITED STATES.
BELIEVE ME, WE DON'T WANT HIM TO
BE THE MAJORITY, HE'S NOT AS
CHARMING AS HE LOOKS.
[LAUGHTER]
WE HAVE OPPORTUNITIES IN MAINE,
NORTH CAROLINA, SOUTH CAROLINA,
TWO IN GEORGIA, MISSISSIPPI IS
IN PLAY.
IOWA, KANSAS IS IN PLAY, ALASKA
IS IN PLAY, COLORADO WE SHOULD
WIN, MONTANA, ARIZONA, BUT IF
YOU CALL AND YOU CAN GO BACK AND
WATCH THE TAPE AND SEE WHERE IT
WAS BECAUSE I WON'T DO THAT TO
GET AN.
>> Bill: PLAY BACK THE PART
ABOUT THE MICROWAVE, IT'S
FANTASTIC, IT'S COLD.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
UNDERSTAND FROZEN DINNERS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: RIGHT.
YOU MENTIONED LINDSEY GRAHAM,
DID YOU?
YES.
YOU WORKED WITH PEOPLE LIKE
THAT, AND BESIDES BEING LIKED BY
THE MILITARY, YOU ALSO WERE
LIKED BY REPUBLICANS AS MUCH AS
THEY CAN LIKE SOMEONE ON THE
OTHER TEAM.
>> WE WERE FRIENDLY.
>> Bill: OKAY.
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
THERE.
SPOON ANYONE WHO STARTS A
SENTENCE "LINDSAY AND I" I'M
INTERESTED TO.
>> THERE IS AN OPEN SECRET IN
D.C. AND THAT IS HE'S A
COMPULSIVE SHOPLIFTER AND THEY
HAVE A VIDEO OF HIM LIFTING A
GRAVY BOAT FROM THE POTTERY BARN
AND THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH CAROLIN
SOUTH CAROLINA, THEY ARE VERY
RELIGIOUS, THEY WILL FORGIVE
ANYTHING, BUT THEY LOVE THEIR
GRAVY.
>> Bill: THAT'S NOT FAKE NEWS,
IS IT?
YOU WOULDN'T INDULGE.
>> LIKE THE MICROWAVE THING.
A JOKE.
>> Bill: WE ARE ALL A LITTLE
RUSTY.
>> IT'S NICE TO HAVE AN AUDIENC
AUDIENCE.
>> Bill: IT'S FANTASTIC.
>> YOU GUYS.
>> Bill: MY FINAL THING I WAS
GOING TO SAY, YOU WERE FRIENDLY
WITH REPUBLICANS, SAY EVERYTHING
GOES THE WAY YOU SAY IT WILL,
THEY TENT THE WHITE HOUSE AND
MAKE TRUMP LEAVE, I DON'T SEE IT
HAPPENING BUT SAY THEY DO END ON
JANUARY 20TH, WE HAVE A NEW
PRESIDENT, HOW DO WE GET BACK TO
NORMAL?
HOW DO WE GET BACK TO AT LEAST
WHERE WE WERE WHICH WASN'T GOOD
BUT BETTER THAN HORRIBLE?
>> THAT'S SUCH A GREAT QUESTION.
>> Bill: YOU HAVE 82ND SPIRIT
OF >> THE ANSWER IS THAT WE
PROBABLY CAN'T BECAUSE THERE'S
TWO UNIVERSES OF INFORMATION.
REMEMBER WHEN I WROTE RUSH
LIMBAUGH IS A BIG FAT IDIOT AND
OTHER OBSERVATIONS?
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: AND IT LIES IN THE
LYING LIARS THAT TELL THEM, A
FAIR AND BALANCED LOOK AT THE
RIGHT.
>> THAT BOOK WAS ABOUT RUSH AND
HE GETS THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL
OF FREEDOM, AN AWARD THAT WAS
GIVEN TO CESAR CHAVEZ, TO
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., TO THE
APOLLO 13 ASTRONAUTS AND RUSH.
IT'S BECAUSE, IF IT WEREN'T FOR
RUSH, TRUMP WENT TO BEEN THERE.
>> Bill: THANK YOU, WE MISS
YOU, HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.
HOW ARE YOU?
HE'S THE EXECUTIVE EDITOR OF THE
RECOUNT AND EXECUTIVE PRODUCER &
CO HOST OF SHOWTIME'S "THE
CIRCUS": JOHN HEILEMANN.
SHE'S A FELLOW AT THE GEORGETOWN
INSTITUTE OF POLITICS AND FORMER
SENIOR ADVISOR TO MAYOR PETE
BUTTIGIEG: LIS SMITH.
I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE
BECAUSE IT IS RIGHT BEFORE THE
ELECTION AND YOU TWO ARE LIFERS
WITH ELECTIONS, RIGHT?
YOU HAVE A FEEL FOR ELECTIONS
THAT I DON'T THINK I QUITE HAVE
BECAUSE I'M STILL -- I DON'T
KNOW.
THE POLLS ARE STILL UP FOR BIDEN
AND WHEN I SEE ON THE STREETS IN
THE COUNTRYSIDE, PEOPLE I KNOW,
PENNSYLVANIA AND OHIO AND THEY
SAY ALL YOU SEE IS TRUMP SIGNS,
TRUMP FLAGS, TRUMP PARADES AND
WE'VE HAD IT IN BEVERLY HILLS.
YOU SOUGHT IN TIMES SQUARE IN
NEW YORK.
IS IT JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE LOUD
AND PROUD AND ARMED?
>> YEAH.
>> Bill: THIS SOME OF IT YOU
CAN SEE AND THE BIDEN PEOPLE ARE
LIKE WE DON'T NEED TO ENGAGE,
YOU GUYS ARE INTIMIDATING, WE
WILL DO IT IN THE VOTING BOOTH.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU DO NOT SEE
BIDEN PEOPLE WALKING AROUND IN
BRIGHT RED HATS PUTTING FLAGS IN
THEIR YARD, YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WE AREN'T MEMBERS OF
OCCULT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND YOU DON'T SEE JOE BIDEN
TELLING HIS SUPPORTERS TO PACK
INTO A SUPER-SPREADER EVENT THAT
IS GOING TO PUT HIS SUPPORTERS
AT RISK FOR HEALTH COMPLICATIONS
BECAUSE JOE BIDEN IS NOT A CULT
LEADER.
[APPLAUSE]
AND WE NEED TO GET AWAY FROM
THIS CULT OF PERSONALITY THAT
HAS DOMINATED POLITICS.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, THERE ARE SO
MANY SIGNS OF ENTHUSIASM, YOUTH
ENTHUSIASM IS UP.
>> Bill: HE'S BEATING TRUMP
WITH WOMEN BY 25, CAN YOU WIN AN
ELECTION IF YOU LOSE WOMEN BY
25?
>> IT'S HARD IF YOU'RE LOSING
WOMEN, COLLEGE-EDUCATED VOTERS,
SUBURBAN VOTERS AND SENIOR
CITIZENS, YOU'RE LOSING THEM ALL
BY LARGE INCREMENTS AND I WOULD
SAY IT'S BEEN FASCINATING, WE
ARE AT THE END OF OUR 12TH
EPISODE OF THE CIRCUS, OUT THERE
IN THE WORLD, COVERING THIS.
EVERYTHING SHE SAYS IS TRUE,
JOE BIDEN DOESN'T DO AS MANY
EVENTS, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE
THE JOHNNY APPLESEED OF COVID
GOING AROUND THE COUNTRY AND IT
IS THE CASE THAT DONALD TRUMP
RIGHT NOW IS THE MOST IN A
RESPONSIBLE PERSON ON PLANET
EARTH WHEN IT COMES TO THIS
DEADLY PANDEMIC.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WILL USE TO CRITICIZE TRUMP FOR
NOT TRYING TO BRING THE COUNTRY
TOGETHER AND BEING ONLY FOCUSED
ON HIS BASE.
RIGHT NOW HE DOESN'T FOUR OR
FIVE EVENTS A DAY, HE'S GOING TO
FINISH THIS WITH 17 EVENTS,
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HE'S
THREATENING TO KILL EVERY SINGLE
PERSON WHO SHOWS UP AND EVERY
SINGLE PERSON THOSE PEOPLE MEET
AT STARBUCKS LATER THAT SHE
DOESN'T CARE.
HE'S LIKE GET COVID, STAY ALIVE
LONG ENOUGH TO VOTE FOR ME AND I
DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU DIE.
HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF AND
JOE BIDEN ISN'T DOING THAT.
HE'S DOING EVENTS THAT FOLLOWED
THE CDC GUIDELINES.
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU SEE
DEMOCRATIC ENTHUSIASM?
86,394,000, 707 VOTES HAVE BEEN
CAST IN THIS COUNTRY ALREADY, SO
ASTRONOMICALLY FAR OFF THE
CHARTS AND THE VAST MAJORITY OF
THAT WE KNOW FROM PARTY
REGISTRATION, WE KNOW THE VAST
MAJORITY ARE DEMOCRATS.
REPUBLICANS MAY MAKE UP THAT
SHORTFALL, THEY MAY MAKE IT ALL
UP ON ELECTION DAY.
TODAY, WHERE YOU SEE DEMOCRATIC
ENTHUSIASM AND WHETHER THAT'S
FOR JOE BIDEN OR IF IT'S MOSTLY
FORGETTING DONALD TRUMP THE FUCK
OUT OF TOWN IS IN THOSE GIANT
LINES THAT YOU'VE SEEN, WE'VE
BEEN WATCHING THEM ON TELEVISION
FOR THE LAST MONTH.
THAT'S YOUR DEMOCRATIC
ENTHUSIASM, THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
STANDING IN THE COLD FOR FOUR OR
SIX HOURS.
>> Bill: GREAT SPEECH.
YOUR ELECTED!
>> I WOULD ADD ONE OTHER THING
THAT MAKES US FEEL BETTER ABOUT
2020 VERSUS 2016.
IN 2016, TRUMP WAS A THEORY, HE
WAS AN IDEA.
LET'S BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.
NOW IT'S A REALITY AND EVERYONE
WHO VOTED FOR HIM REALIZES THAT
HE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE --
>> Bill: HARDLY EVERYONE, LOTS
OF PEOPLE LIKE HIM.
>> NOT THE TRUMP SUPPORTER'S,
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
TRUMP VOTERS IN TRUMP
SUPPORTER'S, TRUMP VOTERS ARE
NOT THE PEOPLE WEARING THE RED
HATS AND THOSE OF THE PEOPLE WE
ARE SEEING COMING BACK TO THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
>> Bill: HE DEFINITELY LOST A
LOT OF PEOPLE.
LET ME ASK ABOUT PHILADELPHIA, A
LOT OF TROUBLE ABOUT
PHILADELPHIA.
>> YOU SOUND LIKE A TRUMPET
SAYING THAT.
>> Bill: THERE IS NOT?
>> HE LIKES PICKING ON
PHILADELPHIA.
>> Bill: LET ME EXPLAIN TO
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T FOLLOWED
WHAT'S GOING ON, IT'S A FAMILIAR
SCRIPT FROM 2020.
THERE WAS A SHOOTING OF A BLACK
MAN BY THE POLICE FOLLOWED --
THEY KILLED HIM -- PROTESTS,
THEN LOOTING.
NATIONAL GUARD CALLED OUTCOME A
CURFEW.
WE'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
THE GUY WAS MENTALLY UNSTABLE
AND HAD A KNIFE -- MY TWO
THINGS.
ONE, LOOK.
WAS THIS RACISM?
I DON'T KNOW, NO ONE WILL EVER
KNOW WHETHER THEY WOULD'VE SHOT
HIM WHETHER HE WAS WHITE OR
BLACK BUT WHAT I DO KNOW AND
I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS ABOUT THE
POLICE FOR YEARS, THEY HAVE TO
FIND A WAY TO NOT KILL PEOPLE --
YOU COULD GET RID OF A KNIFE
FROM A GUY WITHOUT KILLING HIM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS TO ME IS MORE ABOUT TACTICS
AND TRAINING AND THIS ATTITUDE
THAT THE POLICE HAVE THAT OUR
LIVES ARE SOMEHOW MORE VALUABLE.
I'M NOT SAYING THEY'RE LESS
VALUABLE, BUT THEY'RE NOT MORE
PRECIOUS.
YOU COULD DEFUSE A GUY WITH A
KNIFE WITHOUT FIRING 14 SLUGS
INTO HIM.
POLICE HAVE GOT TO STOP THIS
ATTITUDE, THIS IS WHAT STALIN
USED TO SAY "NO PERSON, NO
PROBLEM."
YES, EXACTLY, BUT THAT CAN'T BE
THE WAY TO DO IT.
>> I THINK WE WANT THOSE
COMMON SENSE REFORMS,
DE-ESCALATION TRAINING AND
THINGS LIKE THAT AND POLICE
DEPARTMENT'S ACROSS THE
COUNTRY -- BIDEN IS THE WAY TO
GO.
I KNOW THAT DONALD TRUMP IS
TRYING TO EXPLOIT THIS AND
EXPLOIT SOME OF THE VIOLENCE
THAT HAS ERUPTED IN PHILADELPHIA
AFTER THE FACT.
HE CONTRIBUTES TO THE ATMOSPHERE
AND IF HE'S TRYING TO WIN OVER
THE SUBURBS, SUBURBAN MOMS -- MY
GUESS IS THAT SUBURBAN WOMEN,
SUBURBAN MOMS ARE A LOT MORE
PISSED OFF SEEING US ON THAT
SHOT AND KILLED THE DEATH IN
FRONT OF HIS OWN MOTHER THAN
THEY ARE SEEING A FEW STORES
BEING LOOTED.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: HERE'S MY OTHER
QUESTION ABOUT THIS.
TRUMPET SAID TO THE PROUD BOYS,
HIS LITTLE PARAMILITARY GROUP,
STAND-DOWN AND STAND BY WHICH
WAS HIS WAY OF SAYING WAIT UNTIL
THE ELECTION IS OVER BEFORE
GINNING UP THE OTHER SIDE.
I FEEL LIKE MAYBE THE LEFT
SHOULD SAY THIS IN PHILADELPHIA,
I FEEL LIKE MAYBE THIS IS A GIFT
TO DONALD TRUMP.
I FEEL LIKE WHEN PEOPLE SEE A
CITY ON FIRE -- THEY MAY NOT
WANT TO GO TO THE POLLS IF
THINGS ARE ON FIRE.
YOU NEED PHILADELPHIA TO WIN
PENNSYLVANIA AND YOU NEED
PENNSYLVANIA, PROBABLY, TO WIN
THE WHITE HOUSE OR CERTAINLY MAY
BE.
AND HILLARY, ONE REASON WHY SHE
LOST WAS BECAUSE SHE
UNDERPERFORMED IN PHILADELPHIA.
>> THIS GOING TO BE A LOT OF
COMPLEXITY AND CHAOS
UNFORTUNATELY IN PENNSYLVANIA
OVER THE COURSE OF THE NEXT
WEEK.
SOME OF IT RELATES TO THIS
PROBLEM AND SOME OF IT RELATES
TO LARGER PROBLEMS, SOME OF IT
RELATES TO THE FACT OF THE
POSTAL SERVICE HAS BEEN CUT BACK
IN THE THINGS WE SHOULD HAVE
DONE, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
SHOULD HAVE DONE IF THE
PRESIDENT CARED ABOUT TO MAKE
SURE EVERYONE COULD VOTE SAFELY
LIKE FUNDING A BIG, HELP MAKE
THE VOTE SAFE FOR PEOPLE EFFORT
ONCE THE PANDEMIC HIT, ALL OF
THAT WOULD'VE BEEN REDUCED.
PENNSYLVANIA IS GOING TO BE A
SHIT SHOW SH NEXT WEEK, BUT I DT
KNOW WHAT JOE BIDEN COULD SAY
MORE THAN WHAT HE SAID THAT.
>> Bill: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
JOE BIDEN I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
LEADERS OF THE PROTESTS THERE.
IT'S KIND OF IRONIC BUT I FEEL
LIKE --
>> WANT YOU SAYING SOMEBODY
SHOULD SAY THIS TO THE
PROTESTERS?
>> Bill: YES, BUT NOT
JOE BIDEN.
HE SHOULD TOO.
SOMETIMES I READ ABOUT THESE
PROTESTS LIKE IN PORTLAND AND
IT'S LIKE WHITE PEOPLE LEADING
THESE PROTESTS ABOUT BLACK
RIGHTS AND I FEEL LIKE ONE OF
THE ULTIMATE WAYS OF SHOWING
WHITE PRIVILEGE IS TO NOT HAVE
TO THINK PRACTICALLY.
I FEEL LIKE THE BLACK FOLKS SAVE
THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY BECAUSE
THEY THOUGHT PRACTICALLY, THAT'S
WHY WE WOUND UP WITH JOE BIDEN.
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION, WHERE
WOULD WE BE NOW IF THE CANDIDAE
WAS ELIZABETH WARREN OR BERNIE
OR PETE BUTTIGIEG?
>> I THINK PETE WOULD BE RUNNING
SIMILAR TO JOE BIDEN BECAUSE I
THINK THEY APPEALED TO THE SAME
PART OF THE PARTY.
WITH ELIZABETH WARREN AND
SANDERS, THAT'S MORE OF AN OPEN
QUESTION BUT I REMEMBER SITTING
HERE SIX MONTHS AGO WITH YOU AND
WE WERE DEBATING CAN JOE BIDEN
MEET THE MOMENT, IS HE GOING TO
BE ABLE TO GENERATE ENTHUSIASM,
AND YES HE ASKED AND I HAVE BEEN
SO SURPRISED BY THAT.
HE HAS MET AT THE MOMENT WITH A
SERIOUSNESS IN A WAY I NEVER
THOUGHT POSSIBLE.
>> HERE'S THE THING, I THINK AS
WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF THESE CASES
THERE HAVE BEEN A TON OF
PEACEFUL PROTEST SINCE GEORGE
FLOYD, SOME OF THEM HAVE GOTTEN
OUT OF HAND.
THERE'S BEEN LOOTING AND
VIOLENCE, ALL OF IT UNACCEPTABLE
AND IT TO THE EXTENT THAT IT GOT
OUT OF CONTROL IN VARIOUS PLACES
LIKE SEATTLE AND SOME OTHER
CITIES AND TO THE EXTENT THAT IT
MIGHT IN PHILADELPHIA, IT IS
OSTENSIBLY A POLITICAL GIFT TO
DONALD TRUMP.
HE HAS TRIED TO CAPITALIZE ON
THAT AND WHAT WE HAVE SEEN FROM
KENOSHA TO OTHER PLACES, HE HAS
TRIED TO MAKE THAT ARGUMENT THAT
JOE BIDEN AS PRESIDENT WOULD BE
THE PRESIDENT FOR LOOTING AND
RIOTING AND CITIES OUT OF
CONTROL.
AS WE SIT HERE TODAY AND EVERY
NATIONAL POLL THAT'S BEEN DONE
OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,
JOE BIDEN CONTINUES TO BEAT
DONALD TRUMP ON THE ISSUE OF LAW
AND ORDER CONSISTENTLY BECAUSE
OF THE FACT THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN
A LEFT DEMOCRAT WHO HAS BEEN
SOFT ON THAT QUESTION.
HE MADE A CHOICE AT THE
CONVENTION SAYING LOOTING AND
WRITING IS BAD, THERE IS NO
PLACE FOR IT, THERE'S A PLACE
FOR A PEACEFUL PROTEST, NOT
LOOTING AND WRITING.
THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS WHO
I THINK WE HAVE NOT STOOD UP AND
MADE THAT ARGUMENT, BIDEN DID
AND IT HELPS TO DEFUSE THE ISSUE
IN THE CONTEXT OF THE ELECTION.
>> Bill: I THOUGHT HIS BEST
MOMENT OF THE DEBATES WAS WHEN
HE SAID THIS GUY DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S RUNNING AGAINST JOE BIDEN,
I BEAT THOSE OTHER PEOPLE.
[APPLAUSE]
WE HAVE A NEW SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE -- IT'S A HARD NAME TO
SAY -- ACB.
SHE IS MAKING ALMOST A
COMPLETELY CATHOLIC COURT WHICH
I LIKE TO POINT OUT AND SHE'S
NOT JUST CATHOLIC, SHE'S A
MEL GIBSON'S DAD CATHOLIC.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THIS IS --
>> SHE'S CATHOLIC AS YOU ARE TO
ATHEIST.
>> Bill: THE COURT LOOKS LIKE
THE DA VINCI CODE NOW.
WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD
TIME TO DO ONE OF OUR FAVORITE
BITS, 24 THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT AMY CONEY BARRETT -- 24,
NOT 25.
THEY STOLE THAT FROM SPIRIT
WHEN MY FAMILY PLAYS SCRABBLE,
WE TAKE OUT THE LETTERS L, G, B,
T AND Q.
[GROANING]
[APPLAUSE]
THESE ARE THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT AMY CONEY BARRETT.
I WON'T EAT CHINESE FOOD BECAUSE
FORTUNE COOKIES LOOK LIKE
VAGINAS.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE HER.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WHEN I'M STRESSED OUT, I'LL EAT
A WHOLE BOX OF EUCHARIST.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I'M A CLASSICALLY TRAINED LIAR.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
MY VOLLEYBALL TEAM WAS 10 AND 3
AGAINST THE OTHER CULTS IN OUR
DIVISION.
[LAUGHTER]
I BELIEVE THE SPANISH
INQUISITION HAD FINE PEOPLE ON
BOTH SIDES.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IN COLLEGE, I REFUSED THE TITLE
"MAGNA CUM LAUDE" BECAUSE IT
SOUNDS DIRTY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING
SOME REAL HANDS ON EXPERIENCE
BEING A JUDGE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
CAN I DOUBLE DOWN ON MY VITRIOL
FOR AMY CONEY BARRETT?
SHE IS PART OF A CULT AND I
DON'T JUST MEAN THE
CATHOLIC CHURCH, I MEAN SHE'S A
CULT WITHIN A CULT, THE PEOPLE
OF PRAISE, SNAKE HANDLERS, SNAKE
HANDLERS.
PEOPLE WHO TALK IN TONGUES,
SPEAK IN TONGUES BUT JUST
BABBLING, THEY GET MESSAGES FROM
THE HOLY SPIRIT TALKING TO
GHOSTS.
IF YOU TOOK RELIGION OUT OF
THIS, YOU WOULD SAY THIS IS A
FUCKING NUT.
DO WE REALLY HAVE TO KEEP
PRETENDING THAT BEING PART OF
THIS IS NOT GOING TO AFFECT
SOMEONE WHO'S IN ONE OF THE MOST
POWERFUL POSITIONS IN THE WORLD?
MAKING JUDGMENTS ABOUT CLIMATE
CHANGE, I REMEMBER HAVING AN
ARGUMENT IN THE DORM ROOM, THOSE
BULLSHIT ARGUMENTS YOU HAD TO
END AT THE END HE SAID BECAUSE
JESUS CHRIST IS GOING TO COME
DOWN AND SAVE US AND WHY DID I
WASTE THREE HOURS ARGUING WITH
YOU?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S IN YOUR
HEAD.
JESUS IS GOING TO SAVE US AND
THAT'S WHO WE HAVE MAKING
DECISIONS NOW.
>> ULTIMATELY FOR ME I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THE WHOLE CULT THING.
COME UP BUT THE FACT THAT SHE
WANTS TO STRIKE DOWN THE ACA,
SHE WANTS TO OVERTURN
ROE V. WADE, THAT MATTERS A LOT
MORE TO ME HONESTLY THEN
WHATEVER RELIGION SHE PRACTICES.
>> Bill: BUT IT COMES FROM THE
RELIGION.
WHY ARE YOU SEPARATING THEM?
>> YOU DON'T NEED TO BE
RELIGIOUS TO BELIEVE IN THOSE
THINGS.
>> IT HELPS.
>> BRETT KAVANAUGH, LOOK AT HIM.
>> Bill: ANOTHER CATHOLIC NUT
ON THE COURT, EXACTLY.
>> THE MORE WE FOCUS ON HOW IT
IMPACTS PEOPLE'S LIVES, THE
BETTER WE WILL BE.
YOU KNOW HOW REPUBLICANS SAY WE
ARE A BUNCH OF ANTI-CATHOLIC
BIGOTS.
>> Bill: I DON'T CARE, IT'S
THE TRUTH.
WE HAVE A COUNTRY THAT IS
INCREASINGLY LIBERAL AND SECULAR
AND WE HAVE A SUPREME COURT THAT
IS INCREASINGLY DOCTRINAIRE.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I AGREE WITH THAT.
>> SHE'S ON THE COURT, THAT'S A
DONE DEAL.
I THINK THE QUESTION NOW BEFORE
US, PARTICULARLY FOR THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY IF JOE BIDEN
WINS THE PRESIDENCY WHICH I
CONTINUE TO THINK IS LIKELY BUT
NOT CERTAIN IS GOING TO BE THIS
QUESTION OF IS THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY GOING TO GET
BEHIND THE NOTION OF TRY TO
INCREASE THE NUMBER OF JUSTICES
ON THE COURT AND THAT WILL BE A
BIG QUESTION GOING FORWARD.
JOE BIDEN IS CLEARLY
INSTINCTUALLY NOT LIKE THAT
IDEA, BUT A LOT OF DEMOCRATS
THINK THE REPUBLICANS HAVE NOT
PLAYED FAIR, THEY HAVE HACKED
THE COURT ALREADY AND SO IT'S
TIME TO FACE THE NUMBERS.
>> Bill: IT'S CALLED COURT
PACKING.
YOU HAVE RUN CAMPAIGNS, VERY
SUCCESSFUL YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT
IT.
WHY ARE THE DEMOCRATS SO BAD AT
MESSAGING?
COURT PACKING, THEY CAN'T CHANGE
THE TERM?
IT SOUNDS CORRUPT, IT'S
ASSOCIATED WITH CORRUPTION, NO
ONE LIKES IT AND YET THEY KEEP
USING THE TERM, CAN'T THEY HAVE
MEETINGS LIKE THE REPUBLICANS
HAVE AND TELL THEM HOW TO TALK
ABOUT SOMETHING?
>> I WOULD DISAGREE WITH YOU, I
THINK IT'S A TERM IT'S USED
OFTEN IN THE MEDIA.
I WORKED FOR PETE, HE WAS THE
ONE CANDIDATE IN THE PRIMARY WHO
WAS FOR IT NOT FOR COURT
PACKING, HE WAS FOR EXPANDING
THE COURT AND COURT REFORM.
>> Bill: WHY CAN'T WE CALL IT
THAT?
>> I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT.
COURT PACKING DOES HAVE A
NEGATIVE CONNOTATION AND I THINK
NO MATTER WHAT SIDE OF THE AISLE
YOU'RE ON, YOU'VE GOT TO BE ABLE
TO ADMIT THAT THE WAY THINGS ARE
HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, IT'S NOT
SUSTAINABLE.
THE SUPREME COURT HAS GONE THE
WAY OF THE U.S. SENATE, IT IS
NOT AN AUGUST INSTITUTION, IT
HAS BECOME COMPLETELY PARTISAN
AND THE FACT THAT WE LET PEOPLE
SIT THERE INTO THEIR 90s
MAKING THESE DECISIONS AND
YOU'VE GOT TO FUNDAMENTALLY
CHANGE THE WAY THAT WE DO IT
WHETHER IT'S TERM LIMITS OR
EXTENDING THE NUMBER OF
JUSTICES, WHETHER IT'S HAVING
FIVE LIBERAL, FIVE REPUBLICAN,
FIVE MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD JUSTICES
BUT THE DAYS OF HAVING SWING
VOTES ON THE SUPREME COURT ARE
DONE AND I THINK IT IS REALLY
TROUBLING.
[APPLAUSE]
>> TO HER POINT EARLIER, THE
THING THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
THAT'S GOING TO MAKE COURT
PACKING OR EXPANDING THE COURT,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT
POPULAR IS IF THIS COURT
OVERRULES AND TOSSES OUT THE ACA
AND OVERTURNS ROE V. WADE.
THE COUNTRY IS GETTING MORE
SECULAR BUT HERE'S WHAT THE
COUNTRY REALLY IS, THE COUNTRY
IS IN FAVOR OF THE AFFORDABLE
CARE ACT NOW AND THE COUNTRIES
BROADLY IN FAVOR OF ABORTION
RIGHTS.
YOU HAVE A COURT NOW THAT HAS
BEEN PACKED BY REPUBLICANS, GOES
AND DOES THOSE TWO THINGS, WATCH
HOW FAST THE PUBLIC WILL WANT TO
SEE THE COURT PACKED OR EXPANDED
OR REFORMED, WHATEVER YOU WANT
TO SAY -- WHATEVER IT IS.
>> Bill: LET'S IMAGINE
JOE BIDEN WINS THIS ELECTION AND
SOMEHOW HE TAKES OFFICE ON
JANUARY 20TH.
>> JUST IMAGINE JUST IMAGINE.
>> Bill: WE'LL SEE, WHAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY.
THIS GOING TO HAVE TO BE SOME
SORT OF CIVIL WAR, THE PEOPLE
WHO STILL WANTED TO STAY WITH
THE TRUMP MODEL AND MAY BE A
SORT OF RESTORATION -- I HATE TO
TELL YOU THIS, IF HE LOSES, HE
CAN RUN IN 2024.
>> IT'S EVEN WORSE, THE DAY HE
LOSES, DONALD TRUMP JR. BECOMES
THE PRESUMPTIVE FRONTRUNNER.
>> Bill: NOT WHILE DADDY IS
STILL ALIVE, DADDY WILL RUN
UNTIL HE'S 112.
>> IT'S DONALD TRUMP JR. AND
TUCKER CARLSON, THOSE ARE GOING
TO BE SOME OF THE TOP CHOICES.
>> Bill: WHAT DOES
DONALD TRUMP LIKE OUTSIDE THE
TENT PISSING IN?
>> HE IS THE MOST POWERFUL VOICE
IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY WHO GETS
BEAT AND BUYS OAM AND STARTS A
MEDIA NETWORK.
THAT CRAZY RIGHT-WING TELEVISION
NETWORK?
DON'T WATCH IT.
WAY FURTHER RIGHT THAN FOX NEWS.
IT REALLY EXISTS.
ONE OF THE REPORTERS GETS TO GO
TO THE PRESS CONFERENCES AND ASK
QUESTIONS THAT TRUMP LOVE THE
SPIRIT OF TRUMP ON THE OUTSIDE
BECOMES A LEADER OF WHAT NOW
BECOMES THE #Resistance TO THE
JOE BIDEN DEMOCRATS WILL BE SEEN
AS HAVING STOLEN THIS ELECTION,
40% OF THE COUNTRY WILL SAY IT'S
A COOL, THEY WILL SAY IT'S ALL
READ, HE WILL BECOME THE VOICE
OF KEEPING TRUMP IS HIM ALIVE.
>> Bill: WHAT ARE THE
REPUBLICANS GO?
>> DONALD TRUMP IS A BIG FAT
LIAR, BUT HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THIS
HE'S GOT SUPPORT OF 92, 93% OF
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, IT'S GOING
TO STILL BE DONALD TRUMP'S
PARTY.
>> Bill: EVEN WHEN HE LOSES?
>> IT'S INFECTED THAT PARTY AND
IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST A
DECADE IF NOT A LIFETIME TO
EXORCISE IT.
I DON'T SEE LARRY HOGAN OR
CHARLIE BAKER COMING IN AND
TAKING THE REINS OF THAT PARTY,
I DON'T.
>> IT'S THE PARTY OF WHITE
GRIEVANCE AND IT STILL WILL BE
IF HE'S NOT THE HEAD OF IT
ANYMORE, AND DON JR. OR TOM
COTTON OR SOMEBODY ELSE LIKE
THAT -- THERE WILL BE SOME
RESISTANCE, THERE WILL BE SOME
ON THE MODERATE SIDE WHATEVER'S
LEFT OF THAT BUT THAT IS A
SHRIVELED, DESICCATED PART OF
THE PARTY.
THE VIBRANCE OF THE PARTY IS NOW
RACIST, POPULIST, XENOPHOBIC
WHITE GRIEVANCE, THAT'S WHAT THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY IS NOW.
>> THEY WON'T BE HELD
ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE ONE THING
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU
GET ELECTED WHICH IS POLICY?
THEY MAKE YOU CRY YOUR LIBERAL
TEARS AND THERE WILL BE NO
ACCOUNTING.
>> THERE WAS NO REPUBLICAN
PLATFORM IN 2020, THERE WAS NO
PLATFORM.
THEY ABOLISHED THE PLATFORM,
THAT'S THEIR POLICY.
IF YOU ABOLISH YOUR PLATFORM,
YOU ARE A PARTY WITHOUT POLICY.
>> THE PLATFORM IS TRIGGERING
THE LIBS AND FUCK YOUR FEELINGS.
>> Bill: WHAT A GREAT NOTE TO
BRING OUT DAVID.
HE'S THE NYT NATIONAL SECURITY
CORRESPONDENT AND EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER OF THE NEW HBO
DOCUMENTARY, "THE PERFECT
WEAPON," BASED ON HIS BOOK OF
THE SAME TITLE, NOW STREAMING ON
HBO MAX: DAVID SANGER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE, YOUR
BOOK, THE DOCUMENTARY FANTASTIC,
IT'S ABOUT CYBER WARFARE AND I
FEEL LIKE THIS ELECTION THAT WE
ARE ABOUT TO HAVE IS A BATTLE IN
THIS WAR.
I HESITATE TO SAY THIS IS THE
FUTURE OF CYBER WARFARE, I FEEL
LIKE IT'S ACTUALLY THE PRESENT
OF WARFARE AND PEOPLE HAVEN'T
CAUGHT ON TO THAT YET, WOULD YOU
AGREE WITH THAT ASSESSMENT?
>> IT'S DEFINITELY THE PRESENT
AND SO FAR, WE'VE BEEN LUCKY.
INSTEAD OF WARFARE, IT'S BEEN
LOW LEVEL DAILY, CONSTANT
CONFLICT.
EVERYBODY HAS BEEN REALLY
CAREFUL, EVEN THE RUSSIANS NOT
TO TAKE IT RIGHT UP TO THAT
NOTCH THAT WOULD LEAD TO A
MILITARY CONFLICT AND THAT'S
WHAT MAKES THE NEXT FEW DAYS SO
FASCINATING BECAUSE AS WE
DESCRIBE END OF JOHN DiMAGGIO
HAS PLAYED OUT SO WELL AS THE
DIRECTOR OF THE DOCUMENTARY,
WHAT HAPPENS OVER THE NEXT WEEK,
WHETHER THE RUSSIANS FEEL LIKE
THEY'VE BEEN BEATEN BACK BY U.S.
CYBER COMMAND, BY ALL OF THE
PUBLICITY OR WHETHER OR NOT THEY
FEEL LIKE THEY CAN GO MESS WITH
THE ELECTION AND THE IRANIANS
TOO, MAY WELL DECIDE WHAT'S
GOING ON AND MAY WELL DECIDE
WHETHER DONALD TRUMP CAN STAND
UP AND SAY THERE'S BEEN FOREIGN
INTERFERENCE, WE NEED TO STOP
AND THINK ABOUT WHERE THESE
ELECT DOORS CAME FROM.
>> Bill: YOU MENTION THE
IRRADIANCE, I READ A STORY ABOUT
THE PROUD BOYS WHICH WE MENTION
HERE EARLIER, THEY ARE KIND OF A
PARAMILITARY GROUP THAT WORK FOR
TRUMP.
THERE WAS SOME STUFF ATTRIBUTED
TO THEM ONLINE AND IT TURNED OUT
OR IT WAS SAID THAT THIS WAS THE
IRANIANS POSING AS THE PROUD
BOYS AND WE'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE,
PEOPLE TRY TO GET PEOPLE ON THE
OTHER SIDE EXCITED, THEY ARE
TRYING TO SOW CHAOS AND
DIVISIVENESS SO IT WASN'T REALLY
THE PROUD BOYS POSTING THAT, IT
WAS THE IRANIANS AND I READ IT
WAS POSSIBLY THE RUSSIANS POSING
AS THE IRANIANS POSING AS THE
PROUD BOYS.
WE ARE LIVING IN THIS HALL OF
MIRRORS AGE WHERE WE DON'T KNOW
WHO IS DOING WHAT OR WHERE IT'S
COMING FROM, HOW DO WE COUNTER
THAT?
>> AS DONALD TRUMP FAMOUSLY SAID
FOUR YEARS AGO, IT COULD'VE BEEN
A 400-POUND GUY SITTING AT THE
EDGE OF HIS BED.
>> Bill: HIM.
>> IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE U.S.
INTELLIGENCE TRACKED DOWN THAT
THE EMAILS WERE COMING FROM THE
IRANIANS, DID YOU READ THEM?
THEY READ A LITTLE BIT LIKE THE
SCRIPTWRITERS -- THEY WANT THE
SMOOTHEST THING THAT WAS EVER
DONE, THEY ROUTED THEM THROUGH
SAUDI ARABIA AND ESTONIA AND IT
GOT DELIVERED TO A FEW HUNDRED
PEOPLE IN FLORIDA AND ALASKA AND
MAYBE A FEW OTHERS.
THAT WAS PRETTY AMATEUR WORK.
WHAT WORRIES ME MORE OUT OF THIS
IS SOME OTHER THINGS WE'VE SEEN
HAPPEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS.
THE RUSSIANS MOVED THERE A TEAM,
THE GROUP THAT BROKE INTO ALL
THE AMERICAN UTILITIES, THE
POWER GRID, THEY HAVEN'T TURNED
OFF THE POWER YET, THEY KNOW
THAT WOULD BE A STEP TOO FAR BUT
THEY ARE BEGINNING TO FOCUS ON
STATE AND LOCAL GOVERNMENT, SO
FAR THEY HAVEN'T TOUCHED THE
ELECTION INFRASTRUCTURE.
MAYBE THEY WILL NEXT WEEK, MAYBE
THEY DID IT TO PSYCH US OUT BUT
AS YOU SAY, IT'S A HALL OF
MIRRORS.
>> Bill: REALLY NOTHING IS
SAFE, WE SAW THIS WITH
CORPORATIONS I'M A REMEMBER SONY
HACK IN 2014?
THEY PUT OUT SETH ROGEN'S MOVIE
AND NORTH KOREA DIDN'T LIKE IT
AND THEN EVERYBODY'S EMAILS AND
WE FOUND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON
WITH THE EXECUTIVES AT SONY AND
SHELDON ADELSON GOT HACKED
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LIKE
SOMETHING HE SAID, I DIDN'T LIKE
IT EITHER BUT -- THE CITY OF
BALTIMORE GOT IT, NOW WE ARE
SEEING RAN SOMEWHERE, WE ARE
SEEING HOSPITALS ARE BEING
THREATENED AND TARGETED BECAUSE
OF THE PANDEMIC AND THESE
HACKERS KNOW THEY CAN'T AFFORD
TO HAVE THEIR STUFF SHUT DOWN,
THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE THEIR
TECHNOLOGY LOCKED UP.
THERE IS NO DEFENSE.
IT'S A LITTLE LIKE I FEEL LIKE
WHEN THEY STARTED STEALING MUSIC
AND EVERYBODY PANICKED AND
EVERYBODY JUST WENT WE CAN'T
STOP THIS, WE JUST HAVE TO GIVE
IT AWAY.
WE HAVE TO GO TO STREAMING OR
WHATEVER AND MUSICIANS MAKE
NOTHING REALLY UNLESS THEY TOUR
BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T STOP IT.
WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT, IS
THAT CORRECT?
>> PART OF IT IS CORRECT AND
PART OF IT WE ARE LEARNING HOW
TO STOP.
TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE HACKS
YOU MENTIONED, SONY WAS ONE OF
THE MOST INTERESTING AND IN THE
DOCUMENTARY, SETH ROGEN TAKES
YOU THROUGH THIS AS THE VICTIM
BUT THAT WAS A GEOPOLITICAL HAC
HACK, THEY GOT HACKED BY THE
NORTH KOREANS BECAUSE THE
NORTH KOREANS WANTED TO STOP A
MOVIE THAT ENVISIONED THE
ASSASSINATION OF KIM JONG UN.
IT SEEMED FUNNY IN HOLLYWOOD,
DIDN'T SEEM FUNNY TO THE
NORTH KOREANS AND A SONY WAS
WIDE OPEN.
IT TOOK THE NORTH KOREANS -- THE
NORTH KOREANS AREN'T EXACTLY THE
TOP OF THE GAME HERE.
IT TOOK THEM JUST DAYS TO BREAK
IN TO SONY AND WHILE YOU
MENTIONED THEY RELEASED EMAILS
AND THEY DID COME OF THE MOST
INTERESTING THING IS THEY MELTED
DOWN ABOUT 70% OF SONY'S
COMPUTER SYSTEMS.
>> Bill: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT
SONY COULD NOT BE HACKED TODAY?
>> I'M NOT SAYING THEY COULDN'T
BE HACKED TODAY, I'M SAYING IT
WAS NO EFFORT IN 2014.
THE SANDS CASINO WHICH WAS
SHELDON ADELSON'S CASINO, WHY
WERE THEY HACKED?
BECAUSE HE HAD SUGGESTED THAT WE
DROP A NUCLEAR WEAPON IN THE
IRANIAN DESERT AND SHOW THE
IRANIANS A LESSON AND THEY SAID
DESERT, GUYS GOT A CASINO, IT
WOULD BE A REAL SHAME, RIGHT?
THOSE ARE TWO WHERE I THINK WE
PROBABLY COULD HAVE PROTECTED
AGAINST IT.
THE HARDER QUESTION IS THE
DISINFORMATION ISSUES AND THE
QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU
CAN PROTECT SOMETHING AS BROAD
AS THE ELECTION INFRASTRUCTURE
HAS BEEN.
I'M NOT THAT WORRIED ABOUT THE
VOTING MACHINES, BUT THE
REGISTRATION SYSTEMS, DID YOU
SEE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE
GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA WENT TO GO
FELT LAST MONDAY?
IT TURNS OUT SOME HACKER HAD
GOTTEN IN AND CHANGED HIS
REGISTRATION FROM TALLAHASSEE TO
WEST PALM BEACH.
IF YOU CAN DO IT, HOW HARD CAN
THAT BE?
>> Bill: IF YOU LIKE WERE
ALWAYS FIGHTING THE LAST WAR.
IF YOU HAVE THIS TECHNOLOGY COME
IF YOU HAVE HACKERS, WHY
WOULDN'T YOU?
YOU MENTION IN THE BOOK AND IT'S
IN THE DOCUMENTARY THAT WE
STARTED THIS WITH STOCKS NET IN
2007, WE WANTED TO CRIPPLE THE
IRANIAN NUCLEAR FACILITIES, WE
DID IT WITH A HACK JUST AS IF WE
HAD SENT B-1 BOMBERS.
IT HAD THE EXACT SAME EFFECT AND
AIRCRAFT CARRIERS ARE FAX
MACHINES.
THAT'S NOT WHERE IT IS ANYMORE.
>> THAT'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT AND
YET WE ARE SPENDING FAR MORE ON
THE AIRCRAFT CARRIERS, THE
AIRPLANES AND ALL THAT THEN WE
ARE ON THE CYBER WEAPONS.
THE STUXNET HACK WHICH WAS
CODENAMED OLYMPIC GAMES WAS
REALLY FASCINATING BECAUSE ON
THE ONE HAND WE WERE ABLE TO
CRIPPLE THE IRANIAN PROGRAM FOR
A YEAR OR SO, THE UNITED STATES
WAS ABLE TO DO THAT -- ON THE
OTHER HAND, IT LEGITIMIZED THIS
FORM OF COMBAT AND AS
PRESIDENT OBAMA WARNED HIS STAFF
AS HE WAS APPROVING SOME OF
THESE, SOONER OR LATER EVERY
COUNTRY THAT WANTS TO HACK US
ANYWAYS GOING TO SAY THE
AMERICANS ARE DOING IT, WHY
CAN'T WE?
>> Bill: GREAT WORK, GREAT
DOC, NOW IT'S TIME FOR NEW
RULES, EVERYBODY -- NEW RULES!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: IF YOU TEST POSITIVE
FOR COVID19 IN THE MIDDLE OF A
BASEBALL GAME, LIKE JUSTIN
TURNER DID, DON'T HUMP ALL YOUR
FRIENDS IN A DOGPILE.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW, I KNOW, THIS WEEK WAS
THE HIGHPOINT OF YOUR LIFE AND
YOU WANTED TO CELEBRATE UNDER A
PILE OF MEN.
YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW LINDSEY
GRAHAM FELT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO
BREAK IT TO JACKSON OSWALT, THE
MEMPHIS TEEN WHO ACHIEVED
NUCLEAR FUSION IN HIS BEDROOM AT
THE AGE OF TWELVE - THAT NOBODY
GIVES A SHIT.
THIS IS AMERICA, NOT SOME NERD
COUNTRY THAT'S INTO SCIENCE.
YOU WANT TO IMPRESS PEOPLE, LOSE
THE LAB COAT AND START SHAKING
YOUR ASS ON TIKTOK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SOMEONE HAS TO TELL
MILEY CYRUS, WHO THIS WEEK
INSISTED SHE WAS ONCE "CHASED
DOWN" BY UFOS, BUT, QUOTE, "I'D
ALSO BOUGHT WEED WAX FROM A GUY
IN A VAN IN FRONT OF A TACO
SHOP, SO IT COULD HAVE BEEN THE
WEED WAX" - IT WAS THE WEED WAX.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: PEOPLE WHO DOWNLOAD
EASY TITHE, THE APP THAT LETS
YOU DONATE MONEY TO YOUR CHURCH,
HAVE TO DOWNLOAD ANOTHER APP
CALLED HARD TRUTH, WHICH TELLS
YOU 50% OF YOUR DONATION WENT TO
LEGAL SETTLEMENTS FOR CHILD
MOLESTING, 40% TO PAY FOR THE
LAWYERS, AND THE REMAINING 10%?
TAKING KIDS OUT FOR ICE CREAM!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: THE MAKERS OF THE NEW
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION CREAM,
EROXON, TOUTED TO WORK WITHIN
JUST FIVE MINUTES OF RUBBING IT
DIRECTLY ON YOUR PENIS, HAVE TO
ADMIT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH TRUE OF
ANY CREAM.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
A LITTLE DICK JOKE BEFORE THE
ELECTION, COME ON.
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
NO MATTER WHICH SIDE WINS ON
TUESDAY, LET'S SKIP THE CIVIL
WAR AND GO RIGHT TO
RECONCILIATION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
34% OF THE VOTERS THINK THERE
WILL BE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR IN THE
NEXT FIVE YEARS, AND I'D LIKE TO
REMIND THEM OF ONE THING:
AMERICA IS A FAMILY.
AND THE DEFINITION OF "FAMILY"
IS PEOPLE WHO HATE EACH OTHER
WITHOUT RESORTING TO VIOLENCE.
WE HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER NOT AS
MORTAL ENEMIES, BUT RATHER
MERELY AS ROOMMATES FROM HELL.
IF WE WANT TO SIMPLY EXIST,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A
WAY TO WORK TOGETHER.
LIKE THE ROLLING STONES.
A LOT LIKE THE ROLLING STONES,
BECAUSE WE ALSO NEED A COMEBACK
TOUR TO PAY THE BILLS.
SO LET'S NOT HAVE A CIVIL WAR
WITH THE TRUMPERS.
WE'RE NO GOOD AT WAR, AND
THEY'RE NO GOOD AT BEING CIVIL.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LIKE "EM OR NOT, THEY'RE NOT
GOING ANYWHERE - NEITHER SIDE
IS.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO EVER
THREATEN TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY
ARE RICH CELEBRITIES, AND NONE
OF THEM EVER DO.
PEOPLE KEEP SENDING ME THESE
MAPS SHOWING HOW RED STATES AND
BLUE STATES SHOULD JUST GO OUR
SEPARATE WAYS.
"WE'LL GET NEW YORK, THEY'LL GET
TEXAS" - SHUT THE FUCK UP.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO'S
TRAVELLED THIS COUNTRY MY WHOLE
LIFE, THERE ARE NO RED STATES OR
BLUE STATES.
THEY'RE ALL LIKE MITCH
MCCONNELL'S HAND - SOME SHADE OF
PURPLE.
WE CAN'T HAVE A SECOND CIVIL WAR
BECAUSE THE TWO SIDES AREN'T
NEATLY SEPARATED ANYMORE.
THE MASON-DIXON LINE OF TODAY
WOULD CUT THROUGH STATES,
CITIES, STREETS.
EVEN BEDROOMS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'RE AMONGST EACH OTHER NOW,
ALL SWIRLED TOGETHER AND MARBLED
IN.
THERE ARE 3.8 MILLION HILLARY
VOTERS IN TEXAS AND 4.5 MILLION
TRUMP VOTERS IN CALIFORNIA.
WE CAN'T GO TO WAR, MY DRY
CLEANER IS BEHIND ENEMY LINES.
I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT THE BATTLE
OF TRADER JOE'S.
WE HAVE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WAYS
TO START WORKING WITH EACH OTHER
AGAIN, AND THE WAY WE'VE ALWAYS
DONE THAT IN THE PAST IS WITH A
GRAND BARGAIN.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MUST KNOW
THIS, YOU'RE THE BIG DEAL MAKER
- AND I KNOW YOU WATCH THIS SHOW
EVERY WEEK, "BY ACCIDENT."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YOU'RE LIKE THE GUY IN THE
EMERGENCY ROOM WHO, DARN THE
LUCK, KEEPS GETTING A ZUCCHINI
STUCK UP HIS ASS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED
AGAIN!
HERE'S A GRAND BARGAIN THAT
COULD WORK FOR EVERYBODY: IF
LIBERALS LOSE, WE WON'T LOOT
FOOT LOCKER, AND IF YOU LOSE,
YOU DON'T LOOT THE TREASURY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S HOW WE GET AMERICA BACK:
WITH A GRAND BARGAIN ON LOOTING.
CUZ I'LL ADMIT OUR SIDE HAS
LATELY BEEN HAVING A LITTLE
TROUBLE SAYING, "LOOTING IS
BAD."
AXIOS CHEERILY REPORTED THAT
"LOOTING CAN HAVE POSITIVE
EFFECTS" BECAUSE IT "GENERATES
CASH FOR THE LOOTERS."
YES, STEALING USUALLY DOES.
[LAUGHTER]
THERE'S EVEN A BOOK CALLED "IN
DEFENSE OF LOOTING."
THE AUTHOR SAYS LOOTING
"PROVIDES PEOPLE WITH AN
IMAGINATIVE SENSE OF FREEDOM AND
PLEASURE."
[LAUGHTER]
SO DOES MASTURBATING IN A ZOOM
MEETING, BUT WE DON'T RECOMMEND
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT - HAVE WE LOST OUR MINDS?
STEALING BAD!
NO LOOTING THE MALL, AND ALSO NO
GUCCI LOAFERED REPUBLICAN
LOOTERS RANSACKING THE
GOVERNMENT.
BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THINKING, DON - YOU LOSE THE
ELECTION AND "EVERYTHING MUST
GO.
LOST OUR LEASE.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE."
OH YES - YOU'LL BE SELLING
PARDONS ON CRAIGSLIST.
[LAUGHTER]
JARED WILL TURN THE SMITHSONIAN
INTO CONDOS.
YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO STRIP
THIS GOVERNMENT LIKE IT'S AN
ABANDONED RANGE ROVER IN A BAD
NEIGHBORHOOD.
AS WE SPEAK THEY'RE TRYING TO
PULL OFF ONE FINAL GIANT, SWAMPY
SCAM WITH THE NEW 5G, A DEAL ONE
OFFICIAL SAID IS PERHAPS "THE
BIGGEST HANDOFF OF ECONOMIC
POWER TO A SINGLE ENTITY IN
HISTORY," AFTER THE JEFF BEZOS
DIVORCE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
TRUMP'S CRONIES ARE CUTTING
THEMSELVES IN: THIS IS LOOTING
ON A MUCH GRANDER SCALE THAN
BOOSTING THE WINDOW DISPLAY AT
LULULEMON.
THEY'RE DOING IT WITH THE VIRUS
AS WELL - IN SEPTEMBER THE STOCK
PRICE OF KODAK SURGED BECAUSE
THEY WERE GIVEN A HUGE CONTRACT
TO MAKE PANDEMIC DRUGS, WITH ONE
SMALL PROBLEM: KODAK DOESN'T
MAKE DRUGS.
THEY MAKE CAMERAS IN 1985.
[LAUGHTER]
KODAK?
WHO WAS THE SECOND HIGHEST
BIDDER FOR THIS?
THE GAP?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
STOP STEALING.
IS THIS REALLY SUCH A HARD THING
FOR AMERICANS TO AGREE ON?
CAN WE AGREE ON SOMETHING -
ANYTHING - BECAUSE IT'S GETTING
CHIPPY OUT THERE.
PLEASE, WHATEVER HAPPENS
TUESDAY, LET'S FIND A WAY TO
LIVE TOGETHER.
WE HAVE TO.
BECAUSE NO OTHER COUNTRY WILL
TAKE US.
[LAUGHTER]
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS JOHN
HEILEMANN, LIS SMITH, DAVID
SANGER AND AL FRANKEN.
WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.
WE HOPE!
ALL RIGHT, THANK THANK YOU,
FOLKS.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪