[ Rock ]
Good morning, Tom.
[ Woman Narrating ] Twelve is our number.
It's the number of games my husband Tom coaches at Lincoln College every season.
It's the number of times we zero out our bank account each year to make ends meet.
And it's the number of kids we try to keep track of.
- [ Sighs ] - Hey. Good run?
Oh, yeah. [ Groans ]
You need a paramedic?
No, just a pair of knees. You finish?
Still proofing, but I'm sending it to Diane today.
Look at this. New, clean cover...
no peanut butter stains... yet.
- Hey, baby? - Baby?
You know, on the run, you know what I was thinking?
What?
Well, we've been married, what, five years?
- Twenty-three. - [ Groans ] Twenty-three. Sorry.
And I think we could use a little change around here...
like-like this lumpy old mattress.
- Maybe we should just, you know, get rid of it. - [ Giggling ]
Don't be ridiculous, honey. You know you can just pound the lumps out of a mattress.
What-What do you mean? You can just pound the lumps out of a mattress?
Yeah, just randomly start swatting away.
- And it goes flat? - Yes, yes.
Just start-- You just randomly start swatting--
[ Shouting, Laughing ]
Careful.
- I got a dog on me! - [ Woman Narrating ] Twelve's an insane number of kids...
but having a small family was never an option for us.
See, Tom loved growing up with seven brothers and sisters.
And after my sister died, I spent most of my time...
wishing I had seven brothers and sisters.
Tom and I met at Illinois Polytechnic University.
He was a senior dreaming of becoming the head football coach there.
I was a freshman dreaming of becoming a sports reporter.
He wanted eight kids, I wanted eight kids. Bam.
An hour after I met him, I knew he was the one.
We just had family at the wedding.
Oh, and Shake Maguire, Tom's best man.
What a hot dog.
A year later, we had our first-- Nora.
I loved taking her to work with me.
After Charlie and Lorraine were born, we realized our dream of living in the city...
- and having eight kids and two careers wasn't gonna work. - [ Baby Crying ]
As much as we wanted our big careers, we wanted our big family more.
So Tom settled for a Division III coaching job at Lincoln...
I quit writing for the Tribune, and we moved to the country.
Tom and I got busy when we moved to Midland.
We had Henry, Sarah, Jake and Mark in consecutive years.
Then we went for magic number eight, and instead...
we got the first set of fraternal twins--Jessica and Kim.
- Nine kids. - Come on, you guys. Come on.
Wave! Hi!
[ Cheering ]
With each child, Tom and I got further from our big career dreams.
But we didn't think about that.
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Yelling ] Yeah!
Oh. Sorry, Coach.
We had our hands full with nine. We were happy, and we were done.
Then we went to a party celebrating Shake Maguire's appointment...
to athletic director at our alma mater.
And, well, too many beers and nine months later, we had Mike.
After that, Tom got a vasectomy.
But he didn't hear the doctor say that it would be a few weeks...
before the procedure became effective.
In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us to that crazy number 1 2.
But by then, Tom and I were experts at managing chaos.
- [ Karate Yells ] - Let's move, gang. Come on, come on, come on!
- Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo! - Charlie missed his curfew again last night. Take care of that.
Hey.
You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess!
- [ Sighs ] You blew my concentration! - [ Tom ] Temper, Sarah.
Now I get to start all over again.
- Wrap it up, Lorraine! - [ Lorraine ] Okay, Daddy.!
- [ Yelling, Grunting ] - Have you seen my frog, Dad?
Sorry, Charlie. Uh, Nigel. Kyle.
- It's Mark. - I knew that.
Hey, teenager. You got caught on Mom radar last night.
You're not gonna get that scholarship if you're out late with Beth...
the night before a big game.
Well, I'm not so sure I even want to go to college.
Since when?
Since Beth's mom offered me a job at the auto shop.
Hmm. Sounds exciting.
Well, we'll talk about that after you get your full ride.
And, meanwhile, in by 1 0:00 on school nights. Clear?
- Got it. - Anything else you wanna talk about?
Did I mention I don't like you very much?
- Yeah, you mentioned that. - Then I'm good.
- Okay, me too. - [ Chuckles ]
Dude, two words: need new skates.
Dude, three words: paper route.
“Hi. Can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment.
Love, Nora.”
- Have you seen Beans, Mom? - Mm-mm.
- [ Nigel ] Here you go, Gunner. - [ Kyle ] You hungry, boy?
[ Woman Singing ]
Here you go, Gunner. Are you hungry?
Look, I am totally aware that this family doesn't value...
self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do.
Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals...
aside from being, like, a fashion guru...
is to indicate to the local community that...
the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap.
So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene...
I think I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.
- Three. - Done.
Now help your sister butter the toast.
Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted.
So you're going today. Henry, you have band practice, all right?
I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again.
Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request...
that you do not correct her in front of the class.
Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And, please, honey...
remember that body parts do not count.
Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at 3:00. You're goin' to work with Dad.
[ Together] Yeah!
- [ Both Yelling ] - [ Yelling ]
- And we're shooting our Christmas card today. - [ Sighs ]
- What time's Nora coming over? - Uh, she may not make it.
She hardly ever comes home since she started dating that doorknob.
- He's not a doorknob. - The man irons his jeans, Mom.
- Yeah, that's weird. - [ Tom ] Never mind.
I'll shoot it without her. I'll Photoshop her in.
Honey, could you take 1 0 pounds off me with that Photoshop thing?
- Can I be Photo shopped in? - Wait. If Sarah's bein' Photo shopped in...
- then I'm definitely gonna get Photo shopped in. - Why don't we all be--
Nobody gets Photo shopped in but Nora. Everybody be here by 4:00.
Why do we always do our Christmas cards in May anyway?
Because the earlier we get it done, the bigger discount we get at the printer.
- Now, let's eat.! - [ All Chattering ]
Here you go. Look alive.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Croaks ]
No, Mark!
[ Girls Screaming ]
Get him!
[ All Shouting ]
- [ Tom ] Come on.! Get him, Charlie.! - He's headed for the waffles.!
- I got him, Charlie.! I got him.! - Come to Daddy.! Come on.!
Mike, stick!
- Mark, net! - I got the door covered!
I got the net! [ Yells ]
- Whoa! - Ooh!
[ Croaking ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
[ Gunner Barking ]
[ Mike ] Uh-oh. Busted.
Put Beans in his cage...
now.
[ All Gasping ]
Is everything broken?
Teacup with the flower on it broken?
Nice move, FedEx.
[ Kate ] Okay, here we go, everyone. School. Let's go.
Hey.
Much cooler.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Henry, here you go. - Thanks, Mom.
For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.
All right, well, you look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's goin' on? What's wrong with you, mister?
Everybody says the FedEx guy dropped me off...
'cause I don't fit in with this family.
You fit. You fit right here.
- Like that. - [ Kyle ] I called shotgun.!
- No, I did! - I did!
- [ Kate ] All right, that's it.!
Hey, you two, knock it off!.
Mom's losing it! I'm losing it!
All right. All right. Come on. Break it up. Break it up.
Here we go. Are you okay? I'll give you candy.
- Nigel, Kyle, chill or be chilled. - Sure. Listen to him.
Mark? Oh.
[ Sighs ]
- So Nora's not coming? - [ Groans ] Well, not exactly. Here.
That is so Nora. We tell 'em they can't sleep together...
when they visit, so she moves in with him.
Honey, she's just trying to have her own life.
- She's too young to have her own life. - She's 22.
The same age I was when I was pregnant with her.
Five minutes ago, she was sitting on my shoulders...
pointing at cows in Munger's Field.
- And then you blinked. - Yeah.
- Enough with the blinking. No more blinking. - All right.
You were checking me out, weren't you?
Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Twelve kids later, and we still got the heat.
Whoo!
[ Rap ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Nigel, Kyle Together ] Come on.! Hit it.!
Faster, faster, faster.!
- Is that as fast as you can go? - Is that all you got?
Pump 'em high! Pump 'em high! Let's go!
- Pump it up! - That's good! That's good!
That's what I'm talkin' about. Way to go, Marcus.
- [ Kyle ] Way to go, boys.! - [ Nigel ] Nice passes.
- Right here. - Nice job!
Man, you're gettin' old and ugly.
Shake.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doin' here?
What, are you still too busy bein' the pansy house-husband to read the newspapers?
That coach was 5-3.
That's doesn't cut it. I'm trying to grow a program.
Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.
Yeah, the hot dog.
Mom said it first.
We're having adult time here, boys.
No idea what that means.
Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups...
actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.
- Sounds wicked boring. - [ Shake ] It is.
So why don't you run along?
Mom's right. He is a wiener.
Sorry about that. Kate likes you. It's just that, you know...
she had to have the biggest stud on the team.
So she, uh, chose the third-string receiver...
and got all this.
Yeah.
So, are you gonna tell me why you're here?
Lincoln's a winning machine.
You think you can make our old team a champion again?
- You mean coach? - Coach.
- [ Door Closes ] - Tom, what is it? Just tell me.
-Just-- - Okay. Wait.
- [ Washer, Dryer Rumbling ] - Dad's covering with the machines.
- To the chute! - Go, go, go!
My, this is big.
Shake Maguire wants me to coach the Stallions.
- Get out! - He offered me...
a fat five-year contract, housing allowance, moving expenses.
Kate, we can finally get new furniture. We can get a new car.
And get this. University employees can send their kids to school for free.
Wow.
Oh. I don't know, honey. A Division I coaching job...
that's a lot of pressure and a lot more hours.
Yeah, but with all the kids in school next year, we could handle more job pressure.
Yeah, but, honey, Midland is our home. I mean, the kids' lives are here.
Midland has been great for raising our kids...
but I never expected 'em to sacrifice the way that I did.
You loved your childhood.
Yeah.
Except for this part-- the raggedy, hand-me-down part.
The Stallions head coach.
It's your dream job, isn't it, honey?
I want this one, Kate.
Let's talk to the kids.
How do you think they'll handle it?
- [ All Grunting ] - We're gonna move!
[ Yelling ]
Okay, everybody, you know the drill.
On “three,” you give me a big “cheese.”
[ Horse Whinnies ]
Jake, do you have to wear black?
Black works, Mom. Jesus, like, has his funeral on Christmas.
- He died on Easter, Barbie. - Whatever.
He was resurrected on Easter, moron.
- Be quiet. - Don't touch me.!
- [ All Arguing ] - Hey, hey, hey! What's all the fighting about?
Exactly when did you plan on telling us about moving?
- I'm not moving! - Yeah, because I'm not moving, all right?
- [ Voices Overlapping ] - [ Gunner Barking ]
- I'm not moving. - Charlie, Evanston is only four hours away.
- Beth can come and visit. - This isn't just about Beth, Mom.
- My whole life is here at Midland. - [ Telephone Ringing ]
- Hello? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Nora. You're on speaker. - Hi, everybody.
Hank says hi too. So, you guys are thinking about moving up here?
Yeah. You got room in that new apartment for your big old family?
Just big enough for two, Dad. How's your book going, Mom?
Actually, I just sent it to a friend who's in publishing, so we'll see.
- Could we stay on subject, please? - Beans’ mother's buried here.
I'm not splitting them up. They're family.
We can build a fancy new memorial to Pork in our new yard.
- Yeah, like we could afford that. - Actually, we can.
I'll be making enough money to do that, get you out of hand-me-downs...
get Jake those new skates, and get that new car we've been saving for.
- But I have friends here! - Honey, you'll keep in touch. And you can make new friends.
[ Voices Overlapping ]
Quiet!
Now, look, I know you're all scared.
Moving is a big deal. We're very comfortable here. I get that.
And that's why I turned down a lot of other coaching offers through the years.
But this is a job I wanted since we left Chicago.
And, in fact, it's more than a job to me.
Um, this is my team...
and it's my colors and it's, um...
the Stallions.
And they're finally calling my number.
And I want you to take this risk with me, because if you do...
I promise you, we will be...
a happier and stronger family.
- You promise? - I promise.
- I would feel happier and stronger if we vote on it. - Yeah, definitely.
- [ Voices Overlapping ] - [ Charlie ] We should vote.
That's the only way to make it fair. It's the only way to do it.
All right, we can vote.
But in the end, your mother and I are gonna do what we think is best for the family.
- What's the point of even voting? - I'm out.
- Let's get out of here. It's not even worth it. - Come on, guys.
[ Nora On Speakerphone ] Hello? Still here.
All right, eight noes...
three yes's and three maybes.
Not exactly a mandate.
Give me a pen. I'm gonna change some of these.
Here we go.
- What? - “What”?
Let's review, shall we?
Here we go.
“I'm so glad I found someone whose dreams are as big as mine.
I love you. Kate.”
I always loved the way you go for things, Tom.
Pedal to the metal, full-on, all of it or none of it.
So we're doing this.
We're gonna do this.
We're doing it.
Yeah. And by the time we move, the kids'll get used to the idea.
Say good-bye to your mother, Beans.
[ Tom ] Gunner, to the car.!
- [ Growling ] - Come on!
I'm you. Gunner, to the car!
- I'm Gunner. Gunner, to the car! - [ Whimpers ]
Hey, Charlie. Do me a favor and drive the Cutlass?
Thanks for ruining my life.
[ Nigel ] I don't wanna move.!
- You know what? Everybody's going with us. - [ Both Yelling ]
We're taking all your toys. Okay.
Well, whoever said expressing emotion is a good thing, I'd like to see.
[ Rock ]
[ Tom ] Hey, this is our street.
[ Rap On Car Stereo ]
Are you sure we're gonna fit in here, Dad?
You'll have friends here in no time, guys.
[ Tom ] Here we are. We are here. Everybody out.
I want everybody out.
- [ Barking ] - Hey, slow down there, Gunner!
- Wait up! - Hey, Kyle, check this place out!
- Cool! - [ Chattering Continues ]
[ Tom ] There it is-- a 1 920s classic.
[ Sarah ] What, did the Munsters give you a good price?
All right, the twins share, but everybody else gets their own room.
- Now, go kill each other for the best one! - That's great.
Hey, Charlie.
You're gonna need a car to visit Beth. The Olds is yours now.
You trying to bribe me?
Is it working?
Little bit.
Come on.
Welcome home, Kate.
- It's gonna be great, Tom. - Mmm.
Jessica, come here.! Check this out.!
- [Jake ] This room is huge.! - Can I see this one?
Whoa-ho! Back it up, FedEx.
If anyone gets the room across from me, it's Charlie.
- And are you Charlie? No. - [ Kim ] Dude, I call this room.
- Nobody else gets it, okay? - [Jessica ] Look at the view from here.!
- It's spectacular.! - [ Mike ] Can I share with you?
Oh, God. They're fast-food people.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Man ] Hello?
People are here!
- Hi. - Hi. I'm Tina Shenk.
This is my husband Bill and our son Dylan.
- How do you do? - We, uh, live across the street.
- Thank you. This is lovely. I'm Kate. This is Tom. - Hi.
- We're the Bakers. - Oh!
- Gunner! Gunner! - I am so sorry.
- Sorry. - Are you hiding a cheeseburger anywhere on your person?
- I-I don't eat meat. - [ Gunner Growling ]
-Jake? - Dude! Two words: manners.
- What's up? Wanna help me unpack? - Sure.
- Put your sweater on, sweetie. - He's inside, dear.
Don't start, okay?
[ Sighs ]
So, uh, is Jake your only child?
No. We have 1 2.
I couldn't keep her off me.
- Heads up! - Oh!
- Little less wrist, Mike. - Got it.
- Game on.! - Uh, they're playing hockey in the house?
Well, if the game gets bigger than three-on-three, then they have to take it outside.
Uh, Dylan doesn't really care for rough play.
Uh, you're gonna wanna stop now, dude.
- [ Yells ] - [ Tina Screaming ] Oh, my God!
- Hang on, buddy! - A little help here!
- I got him! I got him! - Save my baby!
Don't worry, Dylan. I swing from the chandelier all the time.
- Cool! - All right.
Aah! I got him! I-- Oh! I don't got him!
- Oh, my God! - [ Yelling ]
So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?
[ Kate ] I've got you, Dylan.! Don't worry, honey.!
- [Jake ] Whoa.! - You can let go, Dylan. I think she's got you.
- Spin him this way so I can-- - [ Tina ] Oh, my God.!
- Oh, sweetie, are you all right? - I'm fine, Mom.
- Oh, dear. - You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here...
I really hated that chandelier.
- [ Chuckles ] - Here we go.
Okay. We, uh-- We better go. It's time for your chess lesson.
I don't have a chess lesson, Mom.
Well, then, you need to practice for your chess lesson.
Come over anytime, dude.
Uh, we'll, uh, we'll call, schedule a play date.
No need. Just come by anytime.
Oh, no, we'll call.
- You're all invited to my birthday. - Oh-ho. That'll be fun.
Hey, Charlie, come on down and help me with this, okay?
[ Kate ] Careful, honey. There's glass everywhere.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- I got it, Mom. - Okay, well, I'll help you.
- Hey, Shake, what's up? - You okay?
Really?
Okay, well, I'll see you there.
Hey! Hey, guess what? Fox Sports wants to interview me on TV!
- Okay, well, we got this. - Dad's gotta earn a living!
Twelve kids. That's the throwback.
Irresponsible is what this is.
How come we didn't have more kids?
Because we wanted one perfect child...
and that's what we got.
[ Croaking ]
[ Yelling ]
Cool.
[ Tom ] Honey, I'm gonna be home late tonight. I got another press conference.
Come on. Whatever happened to that stud...
who sat across from me at dinner every night?
He got his dream job, remember?
[ Door Closes ]
[ Yelling ]
- Good-bye, Dad. - See ya, buddy.
Tell the masseuse I'm running about 1 5 minutes late.
- Day 1 4 on the alien planet. - [ Henry ] Where you goin'?
To sign up for football. And, no, you can't come.
[ Sarah ] Could this place be any more boring?
- There's, like, nothing to do around here. - I could give you a makeover.
All righty, then.
[ Chattering ]
Hi. I'm Charlie Baker.
Oh, yeah, Tom Baker's boy.
Read where his old buddy Shake threw him a bone.
[ Man ] Offense or defense?
I'm a quarterback.
Yeah, well, maybe in Cowpie, Illinois.
This is 4-A, Skippy. The bigs.
Put him on defense. Cornerback.
By the way, when you show up for practice, don't be wearing that hat.
Okay, uh, let's see. Who's next? Yes?
It's been reported that you like to blast music in your locker room. Why?
Uh, well, it loosens up the players...
and, uh, gets 'em psyched.
Unless, of course, I start dancing. Then they just get nauseous.
[ Reporters Chuckling ]
At least we get to see him on TV.
[ Reporter ] Coach, how do you manage a family of 1 2...
and a football team?
Well, I've got a great team here...
and a solid support system at home.
- Go to bed, kids. - Okay, you heard the coach.
- Off to bed. Here we go. - [ Gunner Groaning ]
In Midland, we were a family. Now we're a support system?
- A family is a support system, Butch. - [ Groans ]
[ Ringing ]
Hello? Who's this?
- Somebody from something something. - Okay. Shh.
Hello? Yeah, hi, Diane.
This is business. Salmons and pinks are so homemaker.
All right, focus on your navies and your grays.
Navy is muscle, gray is smarts. Choose either, and you'll rule the boardroom.
- What's going on? - Guess what?
Diane Phillips called. My book's getting published.
Did I tell you we're gonna have it all?
- You've never said that. - I'm tellin' you now, baby! Whoo!
- Oh-oh. - Oh!
- Oh.! Whoa.! - Mmm.!
Ooh!
Oh, my God! Can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Can you hurry?
[ Shudders ]
- All right, there's one thing. - What?
They asked me to go to New York for a few days.
- Oh. - “Oh”?
That was a good “oh,” as in “okay.”
Yes, it's not the best timing in the world.
- But you're going to New York. I can handle this. - You'll manage.
Yeah.
Well, you haven't been home much, Tom, since we moved here.
And you're gonna have to, you know, shop for school supplies...
get 'em dressed and-and bathed so they're clean...
- and put 'em to bed at night, walk Gunner-- - Been there. Done all that.
- You're considering this? - I'm not considering it.
You're going. Nora can help me out around the house.
New York. Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
It totally sucks. I miss you too...
but, I mean, I gotta get a job.
Hi, Lorraine.
Okay, I'll try and be there, honey.
Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know I haven't been very friendly recently.
They are pulling me in again!
-Just tell 'em you can't do it. - Can you guys hold on a second?
That's easy for you to say. You're an only child.
It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no!
No. You know what happened last time we visited.
- They were welcoming you into the family. - They set me on fire!
Just your pants.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And, sure, last time it was just my pants.
But what if next time it's my face?
This is the moneymaker. I'm not that good of an actor.
This is how I get the jobs. I know that.
I'm man enough to admit it.
Please?
- Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! - Please, please, please, please?
You always do that to me. Fine, fine. You know what? We'll go.
But I'll tell you what. One thing happens, and I'm gone.
And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
Kimmy, put Dad on.
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No. No way.
No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room when she's here.
Isn't that sweet? No.
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics.
- All right. Bye. - Tell me Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too.
Yes, he very well might be, young lady.
And do not set his pants on fire again.
- [ Kate ] Yes. - Classic.
It was just his pants.
Is anybody besides me thinking our happier and stronger life...
was actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
First, Dad forces us to move.
Then Mom decides to become a career person and, like, travel the globe.
Now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
- And he hates kids too. - Ow!
Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
We've got 48 hours. Let's work a plan.
[ All Whispering ]
All right, Appleschmear season is officially open.!
[ All Cheering ]
The president of the United States, Sarah Baker...
will throw out the first apple.
- [ Yells ] - [ Barking ]
Come on. Bring on the chin music, baby. Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Oh, yes!
Ho, it's an apple! And now it's sauce.
And that's a beauty! Mmm! Mmm!
- Whoa! - [ Cheering Continues ]
Appleschmear. It's the game my Great-Grandma Gilbreth invented.
- [ Bat Striking Apple ] - Neat.
Time out. Nora's here.
[ All Cheering ]
- Nora! Nora! - No! No, no, no, no!
Kids, please do not touch the LeBaron. Just had it detailed.
Hey, whoa, Tom. Tom, can we please, uh...
ask the kids to respect the perimeter around the LeBaron?
Hey, hey, respect the perimeter, kids. Come on. Respect--
Back up. Back up. Nora. Nora, welcome.
- Come on. - It's a luxury automobile, kids.
- Not your daddy's Oldsmobile. - This is for you. Congratulations.
- Come on. - I wanna hear all about it.
- It's very fancy. - Now, about the babysitting.
Battle stations.
Heads up, Hank!
Yo, Hank.!
[ Yells ]
[ Kyle Giggles ]
Phase one complete.
Sorry about your clothes, Hank. We'll have 'em dry in no time.
[ Mocking Jessica ] “Sorry about your clothes, Hank. We'll have 'em dry in no time.”
What is with the staring? Just stop looking at me.
Chopsticks.
Open meat bucket.
Oh!
Begin underwear soaking.
So, um, how's the acting career going, Hank?
If it was goin' any better, there'd have to be two of me.
Yeah, we saw you in the commercial with the gargling-- the mouthwash add
You know, the remarkable thing about my career is...
I only started acting, uh, a month ago...
and, uh, I'm already on TV.
It's the real deal. The career is white hot, Tom. It's on fire.
I read that most actors end up in the food service industry.
That's not gonna happen to Hank, Kim.
[ Hank ] Candidly, I, uh, think Nora's right.
It's really-- It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public anymore.
I mean, really, with--between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi--
Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial...
and you have paparazzi?
Yeah. I've-I've actually-- I've never actually seen them...
but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.
The crazy thing is that now we're trying to sit at home like regular joes--
Yeah, well, honey, it's-- And we're watching TV, right?
And, boom, comes on a commercial, and, bam, there's me.
It's, like, you expect to see yourself in the mirror...
you know, and you expect to be lookin' at the handsome devil...
but not on-- not on the TV like it is.
It's, like, bam.! Bam.! You turn the channel. You're tryin' to...
you know, get it out, and it's--it just keeps poppin' up.
It's like I can run from me, but I can't hide from me.
What a nightmare!
Yeah.
Nora, honey, you wanna help me in the kitchen?
Nora, stop! Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary?
- Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out. - I'll be back.
Tommy. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
- [ Whines ] - Gunner!
[ Barking ]
- Save it, boy. - [ Whining ]
- Hey! - Hey.
There you go. You look as good as new.
- Yeah. Not as good as you, chief. - Yeah, anywhere.
[ Whining ]
- How sweet. - You know what you want?
Kate, is this-- is this orange juice freshly squeezed?
Nora and I are on a bit of an organic diet...
and we're only goin' with the organic freshly squeezed...
and it tastes a bit like Tropicana.
[ Chuckles ] He's a winner.
- [ All Straining ] - Gunner, no!
Release the hound.
All right, charge!
You guys poppin' out another one any time soon?
Just... curiosity.
[ Gunner Grunting ]
[ Groans ]
- [ Grunting, Groaning ] - Gunner!
- Gunner!
It's Gunner.
Honey, he's-- he's really digging in.
Sorry, babe. Gunner, stop! Sit-Sit down!
- [ Hank ] He's attacking.! - Stop it, Gunner.
- [ Growling ] - [ Yells ]
- Oh, my. Well, he's hungry. - Stop it, Gunner.!
[ Yelling ]
- Gunner! - [ Screaming ]
Get him off!. Get him off!.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Laughing Stops ]
[ Barking ]
[ Yells ]
Nora! Nora, we didn't want you to go.
Look, let's just get something clear.
Even though you guys live near me now, I have my own life.
It's mine. Not ours-- mine.
Nora.! Would you please get in the LeBaron?
- I beg of you.! - My loyalty is to Hank now...
and that's the way it's gonna be.
In the living room, now!
Let's go!
[ Barking ]
Your neighborhood canines have completely ruined the LeBaron's paint job.
I'm sure my family will pay to repaint it.
Good, 'cause I'm sure payin' for your family.
- What's that supposed to mean? - I think you know what it means.
You soaked his underwear in meat.
That is so wrong.
Funny, but wrong.
Now, who was the mastermind...
in the meat-soaking plot against Hank?
You were the masterminds?
Step back, please.
[ Making Beeping Noises ]
[ Beeping Intensifies ]
[ Beeping Slows ]
[ Beeping Intensifies ]
You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
But it's going to cost everyone a month's allowance.
- [ All Protesting ] - Do you wanna make it two?
Now, when your mother leaves tomorrow...
I'm gonna need everyone to pull their own weight.
Now, go upstairs and go to your rooms!
Soaking his underwear in meat?
I mean, how do they come up with that?
If I could just harness that ingenuity and channel it into something constructive.
Yeah, like getting somebody to help you out while I'm gone.
I can handle it, even without the better half of the tag team.
I know, honey. I'm just worried. I've never left the kids--
- Honey, it's three days! - I know.
I'm just-- I'm gonna miss 'em.
Okay, I froze some dinners. And make sure they get to school on time.
It's their first day, so you know how nervous they're gonna be, all right?
And, kids, don't worry. Mom can be back from New York in two hours if something happens.
Really, it's only one hour with the time difference.
All right, I hugged everybody. I love you all. One more hug, and you guys pass it on.
All right? All right, thank you, sweetheart.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- Okay. All right. Do I have everything? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
All right.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye.
- I love you. - Yeah, yeah.
Have a safe flight.
Got the whole neighborhood out to say good-bye, huh?
[ Kim ] Bye, Mom!
Little vampires, my plan worked.
She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to!
[ Sinister Laughter]
Come on. It's gonna be fun. I mean, your dream has come true.
Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here.
You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want.
Dylan's birthday party is coming up.
You can get all hopped up on ice cream and sugar and cake and go crazy.
[ Tom ] You kids are gonna do great today, I promise.
What is that?
Moo!
[ Laughter ]
I guess he's the funniest guy in the herd.
[ Alarm Blaring ]
[ All Laughing ]
Walk much?
[ Laughing ]
- Hi! - Hey!
- Look at you, Diane. - Look at you. You did not have 1 2 kids.
- Yes, I did. - Girl, I can't even manage a boyfriend.
- Well, who can? Look at this room! - Oh, it's great.
- Isn't it great? - Listen, we've got big plans for the book.
- Really? I'm so-- - Ta-da!
Oh, come on! Look at it!
- Isn't it great? - It's fantastic. I love it. Look at this.
The company wants it in stores by Christmas.
- Christmas? - Yes. So, tomorrow...
the marketing people will bring you up to speed on the book tour.
- A-A book tour? - Yes. We've got talk shows...
book signings, personal appearances.
And it's only gonna take a couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks? Oh, no. I can't be away from the kids that long.
Well, if there's no book tour, then there's no book.
- Two weeks? - Kate...
you've been the primary caregiver for, what, 22 years?
Can't Tom handle the kids for a while?
- [ Rock ] - [ Gunner Barking ]
They're all going to end up on milk cartons.
Gil-- Gil, Decker and Rico are playing too loose at the corners.
- We need to pull them in. - [ Beeping ]
Sarah, dishwasher! I'll-I'll come by tomorrow after I drop the kids off at school...
and we can talk out some offense variations.
All right. No, I gotta go. I gotta go.
Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart, and I assume he will be punished.
Uh, Jake, get me a Band-Aid, okay? Here, here.
Go stir. You like to stir. Here, let's take a look at it.
Let's take a look, see if it's okay. [ Gasps ]
- Oh, no, I'm just kidding. It's actually not-- - Uh, Dad?
- Yeah? - This goo's on fire.
Oh, no, no. That's the way Daddy likes it! Likes it hot and nice and spicy!
Yeah. Here we go. There we go. Got it. All right.
- Hey, Dad. - Oh, good. Can you get a Band-Aid?
- No need to say hello. - Not one other kid in this neighborhood does chores.
Well, we're not like any other family in the neighborhood.
Right. So, why do we live here?
Dishwasher, now!
Jessica, can you get these plates and put 'em on the table, please?
Oh, God. What the-- Mike's athletic cup?
Ow!
Oh! Pasta de la Crotch.
- Is that blood? - No, it's just a--
[ Vomits ]
Oh! Clean-up on aisle 1 2! Anybody?
You need help cleaning up, Dad? [ Yells ]
- I'm in puke! - Are you all right?
- Still need help cleaning up? - No, you mopped it up enough with your back.
[ Vomits ]
Oh, disgusting! Where's the Band-Aid?
- [ Kim ] Dad, it still hurts. - Oh, here, let me look. Let me look.
Nora, where's that Band--
Jake put a bucket on Jessica's head, and it's stuck.
And when they have a free moment, let my parents know that...
I came by to tell 'em I got a job today at an ad agency.
Nora-- Nora!
- Dad, a little help here.! - Nora!
- Nora.! - [ Gasping ]
[ Yells ]
- Are you all right? - [ Groans ]
- You are in over your head, mister! - I'm so sorry.
I mean, I will-- I will call-- It's just my wife is out of town.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here. Come here.
- Dad, can I kill Jake now? - No, you finish washing the car first.
- Dad, can you get this Band-Aid on me? - Yes, yes. Come on. Come on.
- Let's go. Okay, come on. Everything will be all right. - [Jessica ] Oh, Jake?
- Give me the Band-Aid. - That's the last time you put a bucket on my head.!
- Does that hurt? Okay, good. - [ Gunner Barking ]
- There it is. All right, good. Good. - [ Telephone Ringing ]
[ Nigel ] Hey, Nigel, wanna play darts?
No! No playing darts! I told you that!
- Hello? - Hi. How's it goin'?
Oh, everything's fine. I'm just, uh-- I'm just here. I'm just, uh, making dinner.
- Yeah. - Dad, check me out.!
- Isn't this awesome? [ Yelling ] - How are you?
- Good, I guess. - [ Sarah ] Sorry, Dad.!
I mean, it's kind of weird having all this free time.
- You sure everything's all right, honey? - Oh, honey, everything's fine.
- [ Both Yelling ] - I can handle it.
All right, you know, I'm just used to tag-teaming to manage the mob.
- So I thought-- - Oh, no. They're like kittens.
- Whoa! - [ Sarah ] Sorry, Dad.!
Uh, well, this might be a good time then to talk about me staying a few extra days.
- What? A few extra days? - Uh, 1 4, give or take.
[ Whispering Loudly ] What did I say about throwing darts?
That's a lot of days, Kate, and a couple of key games.
All right, but I have a plan. If we just take it one day at a time...
and if you start to get overwhelmed or the kids stage a coup...
you call me up, I'm home, end of trip.
Well, uh, s-s-sounds good. Sounds good.
- [ Both Giggling ] - Got him in the face!
Okay, honey, thanks for doin' this. Give me someone.
Oh. Hey, uh, you know what? They're doing homework right now...
and it's that math, uh, trig-- “trigadronomy” thing that you and I just aren't very good at.
And it's the sweetest thing. They formed a little study group...
and they're helping each other, and, uh, it's like a little mini, uh...
- think tank thing. - [ Nigel, Kyle Laughing ]
And I'd just hate to break that up.
Well, give everyone my love, and you call me right after dinner, okay?
- Okay. Will do. - Bye. - [ Glass Shattering ]
- Bye. - [ Nigel ] Come on, Dad. Don't hide in the closet.
[ Kyle ] Take it like a man.!
Two weeks'll go by in no time, guys. You'll see.
[Jessica, Kim ] Yeah, right.!
Yeah, right.
- [ Knocking ] - Yeah?
- Hey. - What's up?
- Okay? - Come in.
[ Clears Throat ]
Look, your mom's not coming home for a couple of weeks.
What?
Okay. Up till now, I've been, like, mellow...
about this whole having-it-all lifestyle that you and Mom are currently into...
“A,” because Sarah has the drama queen role totally covered...
and “B,” because I've benefited from your salary spike...
in various shallow but nonetheless pleasing ways.
But, Dad, check it out. This afternoon, Mike was repelling from the roof...
Nigel was using Kim as a human dartboard...
and you employed your son as a vomit mop.
Call me crazy, Pops, but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
I need to hire some help.
As in a babysitter? Okay, that is so not happening.
Dad, just call Mom and tell her we need her back home.
I just can't do that right now, not with all the work she's done.
It just wouldn't be fair.
Well, then why don't you spend more time at home?
Honey, that's just not an option right now.
I've got a big job, a job that I love.
I'm gonna have to call in some backup.
[ Tom ] Hello.
Uh, my name is Tom Baker, and I'm interested in hiring a domestic helper.
Um, I have 1 2 children.
Actually, I'm serious.
-Just 1 2. - Twelve.
There's only two. Oh, plus 1 0.
How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.
Well, there's 1 2. But one doesn't live with me...
and one you never see 'cause he's so mad.
Uh, a dozen?
Just-Just-Just 1 2.
Hello. I'll just hang up on myself.
[ Rock On Radio ]
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, Mike. What's up?
- It's Mark. - Right. Mark. What's up?
I don't get this math homework.
Hey, you know what? I've got a game I'm not nearly prepared for.
Could you go ask one of your sisters to help you?
Yeah. Okay.
[ Groans ] Forget it.
Hello. Yeah, could you do me a favor...
and send up 1 2 pillows to 504?
Yes. [ Sighs ]
Thank you.
Mmm. That'll be good.
“Hey, kids, I had to get to work.
“Lorraine and Kim, you're in charge of breakfast.
Henry and Jake, lunches. Charlie, handle drop-offs.”
- [ Bell Ringing ] - Come on, Charlie. We're gonna be late.
Cute car seats, Baker. [ Chuckles ]
You know, we had to take our little brothers to nursery school...
if that's okay with you.
What happened? Did-Did Mommy and Daddy go back to the farm?
You know what? This whole “harass the hick” thing's getting pretty old.
Actually, I'm just gettin' started.
- Yeah? What else you got? - Yeah.
- You don't wanna know, man. - Oh, I wanna know.
Charlie! Charlie, Charlie, stop.
Stop. Just let it go, okay? Please.
Yeah, Charlie. Let it go, and go...
- all the way back to Podunk. - [ Girl Chuckles ]
- Charlie, go. - Go.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Gil, I got a real shot with this team.
They're 2-0. They're rising in the national standings...
and they're taking nothing for granted.
- Hey, Coach. - Hey, teenager, what's up?
- We need to talk. - Sure.
- Look, Dad, um-- - Hey, guys, knock it off!.
[ Boy ] All right, Coach.!
I know you're all lit up about this new job...
- but my new school-- - The press is waiting, Bake!
- They're out there now? - Yeah. Come on. Get dressed. - Hey, can we do this later?
Hey, kids. How was your day at school?
I'd say the high point was that you're only 45 minutes late picking us up.
Hey, you know what? There was a pep rally at school today.
There were 20,000 people in the stands, and I just couldn't leave.
- Here. - Hey, you did a drawing.
“My favorite place in the world--”
Is that the Midland house?
President Gerhard and I have been waiting for a half an hour.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had to--
I know you have responsibilities at home, Bake, but this is it.
This is your shot, your moment, not theirs.
What's the matter with you? What are you doing?
You've wanted this for as long as I've known you.
[ Sighs ] I just don't want to see you blow it.
I'll work something out.
It's hard to believe someone as staggeringly beautiful as you...
could deliver 1 2 children and still look as yummy as you do.
[ Laughing ] Oh, that's so sweet.
I guess the camera can't see my hips.
[ Kelly ] Tell us, did you have them conventionally?
[ Audience Laughing ]
[ Chuckles ]
Well, uh, after the sixth one, they just kind of walked out.
- [ Audience Laughing ] - Why don't you read us a little something from your book?
Oh, I don't know. No. People can just buy it and then read it.
- Oh, come on. - The audience wants it.
- [ Audience Cheering ] - Oh, all right. Okay.
[ Clears Throat ] “Some, uh, call me a mom.
“Others call me a primary caregiver.
But they both mean the same thing: chauffeur.”
You know, it sounds like you and your husband have things under control at home.
Oh, well, I'm lucky to have him. We sure do.
Kids, on the carpet! Now!
[ Gasps ] Dad!
College guys? [ Gasps, Squeals ]
- What's goin' on here? - Where's Charlie?
-He went to Midland for the day. -Midland? It's a school day.
- He hates school. - 'Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker.
Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble...
and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me...
I have brought my work home with me.
Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
- 'Sup, boys? - What's up?
Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do.
I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear?
Okay. Now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
[ Tom ] All right, first team, line up.!
[ Grunting ]
Good. Good. Good.
But you hit 'em too high. You wanna hit 'em low.
[ Indistinct Shouting ]
Twenty-four.
Dad, come on!
Hey, how's New York?
[ Together] Hi.
Okay, I've gotta go now.
I love you.
[ Indistinct ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Indistinct ]
[ Laughing ]
Step off, missy!
You don't talk that way unless it's with humor!
Something tells me you had an unpleasant interaction with those boys, Mark.
They knocked my glasses off.
I heard you were dissing my family.
I don't even know your family, loser.
- You do now. - My latte!
[ Shouting ]
Coach, give us a quote.
Violence begets violence.
[ Tom ] All right, enough is enough.
You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting at school. Things are out of control.
As of this moment, you are all grounded.
- What's “grounded”? - “What's grounded?”
I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games...
you go to school; you come home from school;
you do your homework; you do your chores;
you go to bed; and that's it.
- But that-- - Oh, yes, Sarah, I know. That sucks.
- But that's the way it is. - Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
-That's exactly what it means. -We bought his presents already.
You are going to miss it!
Now, go to bed!
Hey, Gunner. Wanna get up on the bed, buddy? Huh?
- Come on. - [ Groans ]
Come on.
[ Quiet Chattering ]
- Hello. - Next year, let's book the Mormon Tabernacle Choir too.
Whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey?
And on the end around, the guard pulls. That means you, Buttler.
[ String Quartet ]
I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
Yeah!
Hi-- Oh.
Brazilian mud viper. She gets one live rat a week.
Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad...
who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Hmm. Sounds like a “yes” to me. Go get it, Mike.
And, O'Neal, you gotta crack the first guy that shows outside.
[ Man Shouting ] Run, Billy.! Run.!
[ Children Screaming, Shouting ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
Kids?
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Hissing ]
[ Laughing ]
Get my kids. I'll meet you at the house.
- Ready! - [ Together] Break!
- [ Laughing ] - [ Screaming ]
Sarah Baker, off, now!
- No way! - Don't make me come up there!
[ Man Yells ]
Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!
[ Tom Screaming ]
- [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
- Aaaah! - [ Screams ]
It was my best birthday ever, Coach.
Your children are never playing with Dylan again!
- Sorry about your arm, Dylan. - [ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- [ Woman Continues Ranting ] - Hello, Shake.
Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen.
I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.
- There he is.! - Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game?
Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?
- Is this child care or football? - Sarah from Evanston, you're on with Kate Baker.
Mom, it's Sarah.
Hi, Sarah. Is everything okay?
- Come home immediately. - I wanna talk to her!
- No! Guys! - [ Children Shouting ]
- I wanna talk to her.! - Guys, stop!
- [ Line Beeps ] - Hello?
Now look what you did.
- Dad? - Oh, Nora.
Thanks for coming. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it.
- You seemed kind of desperate on the phone. - Yeah. They're... everywhere.
You guys?
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- Hi. - I just talked to the kids.
Yes, I know everything. Dylan's in the hospital.
Charlie's about to be expelled. And Nora taking time off from her first job to babysit?
- Can we do this later, Kate? - No, Tom.
You promised me that you would let me know if you couldn't handle it.
I'm doing the best I can. Please, let's talk later.
Bye.
- What's the matter? - The book tour's over for me. I'm going home.
[ Sighs ]
[ Nora ] Get a move on, guys. We gotta get dinner on the table.
[ Answering Machine Rewinding, Beeping ]
[ Kate On Machine ] Hi. It's me. Okay, I'm coming home.
Now, I know this is gonna be a big strain.
The publishing company arranged for the Oprah Winfrey Show to tape at our house tomorrow...
which is, you know, great, but I'm really gonna need your help.
We're talking Bakers full force. Boys, you clean up the outside, ‘girls, the inside.
I want everybody in fancy, nice, clean clothes.
And, Tom, if you could please supervise this one last thing, I would really appreciate it.
- Okay? All right. Bye. - [ Machine Beeps ]
Sounds like somebody got his jimmy whipped.
[ Chuckles ] Jimmy whipped!
[ Screams, Groans ]
Mommy!
[ Clattering ]
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Croaks ]
Beans, you okay?
[ Phone Ringing ]
- [ Both Yelling ] - Go get dressed, guys.
- [ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ] - [ Tom On Phone ] Hello.
Oh, it's me. Yeah. My flight was delayed. They lost my luggage.
I'm gettin' there as soon as I can. Sorry.
Okay. Those are for Oprah's people!
- Is the house clean? - We're working on it, Kate.
- Okay. I'll see you when I see you. - [ Phone Beeps ]
Okay, guys, good job! Go inside and get cleaned up.
Come on! Hustle up! Hustle up! Let's go!
[ Snoring ]
[Jake ] Camera truck's here.!
I need warm water! Look out, Dad!
Don't make a mess in the kitchen!
- [ Knocks ] - Hello? Uh, Baker house?
- Yeah. You guys from Oprah? - Yes, sir.
- She's really gonna be here? - Any time now.
Okay, well, just, you know, set up anywhere.
- Will do. - Let's go, guys.
All right. Let's set up over here, guys.
- [ Charlie ] Knock much? - You got kicked off the team.
Well, look who decided to be a parent!
Let's check that attitude, Charlie.
I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.
You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family.
What family? [ Scoffs ]
Since we moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.
Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You did not take this coaching job for us.
You took this because you were a loser in college while Shake was being a superstar.
If you want your shot at glory, if you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do.
But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family.
This move was about you! And you know what?
I don't have to sit here and pay the price for your life choices. I'm leaving.
You're staying.
Are you gonna make me?
Charlie, I love you.
I want you to have the best life you can have.
And that means you're getting a diploma.
When I graduate, I'm gone.
Hey, Charlie, am I looking okay for national TV?
You know, you turned into a jerk when we moved here!
- [ Door Closes ] - Everybody turned into a jerk when we moved here.
[ Engine Starts ]
Charlie?
[ Lorraine ] Mom's home.!
- Mommy! - Mommy!
- Mommy! Never go away again! - Hi.
- Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle. - I missed you, honey.
Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown.
Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's--
Okay. Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go.
- Whatever. - I just wanna get everything ready.
- What's the deal with Charlie? - Fine, thanks. How are you?
- I'm sorry. Hi. - Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
- What? - Don't worry. I'm handling it.
- [ Knocking ] - [ Sighs ]
Shake. President Gerhard.
- Tom. - Tom, we need a minute.
- [ Croaking ] - Please don't die, Beans.
The university is prepared to make an investment in the program...
but we want some assurances.
- What does that mean? - We wanna know you're committed to the football program.
You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
[ Shake ] So what's it gonna be, Tom?
Tom, didn't you pick up my dry cleaning?
Yes, dear. It's in the front closet.
Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
What a wiener.
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.
[ Toys Squeaking ]
I'm all right.
[ Doll's Voice ] I love you.
I'm gonna go get ready.
- [ Gasps ] - Sorry, Dad.
What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time...
for you to be very, very quiet...
chief.
Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Whoa.
I just-- I can't believe you let things get this bad around here.
- I can't believe it. - What can I say?
You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy.
You told me to go to New York. Mr. I Can Handle It.
“Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate!” Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you.
- That's the problem. - This isn't working.
- Yeah. That's my point. - I meant the zipper.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
- Fine. - Fine.
[ Kate ] Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day...
but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces.
Everything's great. We're a big, happy family.
If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah.
If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mom, Beans is dead.
Nobody cares about your stupid frog, FedEx.
Stop calling me that!
- [ Children Yelling ] - Don't you dare call him that.!
[ Yelling Continues ]
- [ Tom ] All right.! Hey.! - Stop it! Stop it!
What's the name of this segment again?
Uh, “One Big Happy Family.”
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is, families are inevitable.
It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
- [ Kate ] Leave him alone.! - Hello!
Look at these-- They're monsters!
- [ Yelling Continues ] - Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora.! Come on.! We need you down here.!
[ Lorraine ] You're stepping on me.! Stop.!
[ Kate ] Nigel, get off your brother's head.!
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
- Nobody cares about me! - Mark, what's going on?
- Mark.! Mark.! - What are you talking about?
- I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before! - No! None of that!
- Hey! Hey! - No, you do not want to come down here.
No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
[ Yelling Continues ]
Why am I the only normal person in the family?
Feel free to sleep on the couch.
You read my mind.
Daddy, are you and Mommy gonna get a divorce?
Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mark's gone.
[ Knocking ]
- Mark's gone. - What?
Hey, Dad.
What I said before-- I was out of line.
Forget it.
You were right.
- [ Gunner Barking ] - [ Children Yelling ] Mark!
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Hello.
Hey, Mark ran away. Is he with you?
No. We'll come help you look.
There's me! Oh. [ Chuckles ]
- Mark's missing. - Oh.
[ TV Narrator ] Take it to the max. Tommy Max.
Let's go.
I look great.
Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!
No. Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
What was that for?
Oh. What do you want?
My son Mark ran away. He's not here, is he?
I always knew one of your kids would land on a milk carton.
Twelve is just too big a number.
- We'll help you look for him. - It's-It's past Dylan's bedtime.
We're gonna look for him, Tina.
- Thank you. - Sure.
Let the police handle it! You'll never find him!
Oh, we'll find him. Like you said, 1 2's a big number.
- Mark! Mark! - Mark.!
He's about, about-- about that high.
He's got red hair and glasses. There's a photo, and you can keep that.
No luck. I've been everywhere.
Thanks for looking.
- Where's Hank? - He's not gonna make the cut.
I hope the family isn't to blame.
They're totally to blame.
I'll have officers check the train and bus stations.
- He wouldn't get on a train or a bus. - He might've.
Those times when I ran away from Midland, I was gonna go to Chicago.
My favorite place in the world.
Your favorite place in the world.
[ Man On P.A., Indistinct ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Train Whistle Blowing ]
You said we'd be happier. You didn't keep your promise.
I know. I'm sorry.
[ Train Whistle Blows ]
Mom.!
Oh, honey! Oh!
[ Laughs ] Oh, we missed you, sweetheart.
Do that again, I'm going to have to pound you.
- But I thought I was FedEx. - Your eccentricities and vision problems...
are genetic traits that could be attributed to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Yeah. Without you, we wouldn't be the 1 2 Bakers anymore.
We'd be, like, 11 .
I figured everybody hated me like Sarah and Lorraine hate each other.
There are times when I want to kill Sarah...
but I'd kill for her all the time.
- Come here, cutie. - [ All Laughing ]
Tom? You wanna say something? A few words?
Sure.
Beans was a good frog.
He was, uh, not like a lot of the bad frogs...
you hear about today, all hopped up.
- [ Chuckles ] - He was lovable. He was almost human.
He was like, uh, one of the family.
Except that, of course, he was green and he ate flies.
But he was a hopper.
He hipped and he hopped.
He loved hip-hop.
Mark, why don't you-- I think you should say something.
For a long time, you were the only person I could talk to.
That's different now.
But you're the one who got me through.
Thanks.
I'm resigning after the season, Shake.
Giving up the dream, huh?
Just going with a different one.
No regrets?
If I screw up raising my kids...
nothing I achieve will matter much.
Thank you.
We'll make an announcement at the end of the week.
Come on. Keep the assembly line up here. We gotta get this done.
- Where's Dad? - He went to the game.
Why didn't he ask us to go?
Because... he didn't want you to be there on the day that he quits his job.
- He's quitting his job? - Mm-hmm.
- What would we have to do so he wouldn't quit? - I'll give up clarinet lessons.
- I'll go back to hand-me-downs. - [ All Talking At Once ]
Okay, ease up. Everybody listen.
Dad's a big boy, and he makes his own decisions...
and he's doing this because it's what he wants.
In that case, I totally take back what I said about the hand-me-downs.
I thought so. Anybody else wanna take back their offer?
Yeah, there we go. [ Chuckles ]
[ Kate Narrating ] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland...
we had a mess of theories about how to raise children.
We still have a mess of children, but no theories.
Sure, 1 2 is still our number.
It's the number of months my book was on the best-seller list.
It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home.
- Hike! - [ All Yelling ]
And each day, it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
[ Chattering ]
[ Rock ]
What happened to you?
Oh, my God!
[ Laughing ]
Save the eggs!
Yeah, you got room for all your big old family in that new apartment?
- [ Director ] You're on camera, Steve. - Sorry. I am.
You idiot.
Yeah, you got room in your new apartment for that--
Battle ax of a wife of mine?
You got--
[ Director ] Act angry, not grumpy.
- I really am grumpy. - Well, that's good.
Two times?
- Two times. Ready? - Then going outside?
Yeah. Actually, we're almost done, so let's do it.
On your mark, get set, go.!
[ Together] I don't wanna move! I don't wanna move!
Cut. Good job. Okay?
I listened-- I listened the “goodest.”
I don't wanna do it anymore.
- One more time. - Last one and you're outta here.
- [ Frog Croaking ] - Cut! Cut! Cut!
Somebody help me! Help me!
- Whoa! -Just for the record, Mom--
Be careful, pally. Slow down on that stuff.
You're not gonna remember a damn thing in school if you suck 'em back like I do.
Now, on the end around the guard pulls.
That means you, Buttler. Whoa.
- Cut.! - [ All Laughing ]
- Action.! - Frankly, I'm concerned.
I go around those kids, they start beatin' on me.
What if I get a black eye? [ Laughs ]
Frankly, I'm concerned, honey. The kids set me on fire, they beat me.
They're abusive. [ Laughing ]
This is how I get jobs, right here!
I'm sorry. I looked at myself in the camera.
I'm so-- good-looking. They set me on fire!
- Sounds good to me. - All the kids wrapped in duct tape.
Maybe we can just roll, roll ourselves in duct tape...
and then I can just roll you across the floor.
Together, maybe.
[ Laughter ]
Ow!