I, Reuben, take you, Lisa--
I, Reuben, take you, Lisa,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
I do. I do.
Hey, Lois. The room looks beautiful.
Oh, thanks. And all the Candles have been replaCed...
with these mini-lamps you asked for, so now no more fire hazard. Great.
Hey, did we sanitize these things? Reuben!
- The best man is in the house! Ohh! - Oh!
- Oh, my God! - Sandy, you okay?.
Jorge, iCe. The best man went down.
DanCe foor's like a Slip 'N Slide, dude. I thought I told them not to wax this.
Twenty-three perCent ofthe guests are over 70.
I don't want anyone breaking a hip. Okay. Don't wory. I'm gonna take Care ofit.
All right. I analyze risk for a living. It's myjob to wory.
Okay, let me do the worying 'Causeyou gotta get married. Right.
I'm good.
You got my note that Hary Bard at table seven is violently allergiC to seafood?.
Yes. His ChiCken will go nowhere near the fish.
We're putting the finishing touChes on the Cake. This looks great. Lisa's gonna love it.
Hit me, dude.
Hey, aren'tyou that kid from Crocodile Tears?
That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.
Man, I saw that movie in high sChool.
That bagpipe sCene, that was the funniest shit, man.
We had a good time on that piCture. You want an autograph?.
Ah, no, thanks. It's good to seeyou, man.
I thoughtyou died, like, 1 5 years ago.
Ah. Nah. I'm vey muCh alive, my friend.
I've been doing a lot ofstage aCting. Getting baCk to my roots.
- Sandy, we should get going 'Cause-- - They're making an E! True HollywoodStory on me,
so that should Clear up a lot ofyour questions.
So they're really doing one ofthose shows aboutyour life?.
Yeah. I got a Camera Crew following me around the next few weeks.
It's gonna be huge. Wow. That's Cool.
Reuben. Two-minute warning. Lisa's on herway down. Okay, thanks.
Look, Reuben. Yeah.
Now, I'm asking you this beCause you're my oldest friend in the world.
Uh-huh. And I'm yourwingman.
Okay. What?.
Areyou sureyou wanna do this?.
Sandy, there's not a doubt in my mind.
Okay?. I found the perfeCt woman.
We're totally in love.
My life's working out just like I planned.
Let's go get married. Okay.
- [ Glass Breaks ] - Mazel tov!
Go on. Kiss eaCh other.
Big smile, eveyone! Come on. You love eaCh other.
Smile, Grandma.
Having fun.
- ["Hava Nagila"] - [ Yelling ]
Whoa! [ SCreams ]
[ Cloth Rips ] Ohh!
Hello, eveybody. I'm Stan Indursky, Reuben's boss.
Thankyou. You're verykind.
Now, Reub's not the sort of fellow to brag about his own suCCess,
so I'm going to do it for him.
The fact is, thisyoung man here...
is the best risk assessment expert...
in this whole meshugas we call the insurance business.
Irving, Vivian, you've raised a wonderful son.
Let's hear it for him.
Reuben, Lisa, let me just say...
that I would insure your marriage any day of the week.
Mazel, you two. Good things.
[ Woman ] Mazel Tov!
Oh, and, Lisa, don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon.
- I need this kid fresh when he gets back. - [ Laughing ]
- Mazel, mazel! Good things. - You know what, the truth is,
I've been waiting for this day my entire life.
And about four and a halfyears ago, I met a real estate agent named Lisa Kramer,
[Woman ] Lisa! who showed me an apartment,
whiCh I rented just so she'd go out with me.
I gave him a good priCe. Yeah, not good enough.
She's a killer. No, seriously, um--
After about a month of dating, I knew she was the one.
[Woman ]Aw. And I Couldn't be happier...
that on this day that I've been dreaming about for so long,
the woman I'm standing next to... is you.
[Lisa Laughing] Oh, mygoodness!
I lost my shoe! Look at this plaCe!
Oh, it's so pretty! It's beautiful.
What?. [ SCreams ]
How's your bruise?. It's okay.
You know, it's a little sore.
You know, theyreallyshould tellyou ifthey'rejust gonna let komodo dragons run loose around the hotel.
Really.
Oh! How about this one?.
Let's see. " ReCently renovated Colonial in MontClair, three-bedroom."
Sweetie, remember?. We took a virtual tour ofthis one on the Internet.
It was perfeCt, but just a little priCey.
Oh, right, right. That's right.
It's probably offthe market anyway.
Why doyou say that?.
'Cause I bought it.
You what?.
I bought it!
Uh-- [ Both Laughing ]
Reuben, I'm in shoCk. I mean, you just--you don't-- you don't do things like that.
You love it, right?. Yes, I do, but, Reuby--
We have a house! Oh, my God, we have a house!
Honey!
- Hi. Hello. - [ Laughs ] Oh!
- [ FrenCh ACCent] How's it going?. - [ ChuCkles ]
Uh, it's, uh, going great. Thankyou.
So I seeyou gang are new to the island. I want to Come have a meet with you, showyou my boat.
That is myboat there on the sandbar.
- It's vey, uh, big. - Yeah, it's pretty good size. It's good size.
So, tell me true, are you guys for sCuba?.
What does that mean?.
I'm like the unoffiicial scuba king ofSt. Barts,
so ifyou are for sCuba, I take you out on the boat,
I showyou the coral reef,
and we have kinda like a-- like a sCuba party.
That sounds great, but we're not Certified, so we're gonna have to pass.
That is no biggie. I get you resort-Certified Couple ofhour.
- Oh, I have always wanted to ty it. - Yeah?.
Good. My name is Claude. What is, uh, you guys' name?.
Uh, my name is Reuben.
This is mywife, Lisa. "Leuban, " I am here allafternoon.
All right, au revoir, Leuban, Lisa. Solid.
Solid.
Hi. Hello. How's it going?.
Leuban! Lisa!
Hey. Hi!
Hello.
Isn't this exCiting?. It is. It's fun.
You knowwhat?. I think I'm gonna skip the sCuba diving.
Reuben, no. You Called eight hotels. They all said that this guywas the best.
I know, butyou know how I am about boats, and I'm feeling a little queasy.
Oh, no. Your stomaCh's aCting funny?.
It's okay now, but I think it might-- You know how it gets, you know?. So why don'tyou go?.
We're on our honeymoon. I'm not gonna go withoutyou.
No! You've been wanting to ty this. I wantyou to go, okay?.
No. It'll be fun. I'll piCkyou up like at 4..00, all right?.
I loveyou. I loveyou too.
Okay?. Okay.
You're not for sCuba, Leuban?. No, Claude.
- I'm gonna go run some errands in town. - [ SCoffs ]
But you guys go. You have fun. Can I talk to you for a seCond though?.
- Of Course. - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Hey, listen, this woman means more to me than anything else in the world,
so be Careful 'Cause sCuba Can be vey dangerous ifthe proper preCautions aren't taken.
Leuban, look to me in my eyeball.
I promiseyou I take Care of Lisa as ifshe were my own fesh and blood.
Thankyou. Okay?.
Okay. Okay. Solid!
Okay. Solid. Okay.
All right?. Areyou ready?. Yeah, yeah.
So is there gonna be a little boat that Comes over-- Alley-oop.
[ SCreams ] Oh!
Ha ha!
Au revoir, Leuban. Bye-bye, honey!
I loveyou! I love you!
We'rejammin' jammin',jammin',jammin'
I'mjammed I hope you'rejammin' too
jam's about mypride and truth I cannot hide
To keep you satisfied
True love that now exist is the love I can't resist
Lisa! Claude! Sojam by my side
Guys? Hello! We'rejammin'
Lisa?.
KnoCk, knoCk! [ Metal Clanging]
Oh, my God.
[ Lisa Moaning] Ooh la la! Ooh la la!
[ Glass Shatters ] Oh, my God!
Holy shit, Leuban! This is not what it look like.
- You're staying on the island with Claude?. - I'm a little Confused right now, Reuben.
I think I need a little time just to figure things out.
What did you do to her?. Did you mess around with her oxygen tanks or something?.
I did nothing, Leuban. My name is not "Leuban"! It is "Reuben"!
Look, we had a sCuba, we talk about life, we drink some white wine.
We Cannot help it. It is like love at first sight.
She make like the fire in mytrouser.
- Ohh! - What he's tying to say, Reuben, is that we didn't plan it.
Reuben, itjust--it happened.
It's like the stoy ofthe hippo.
I'm not familiarwith that stoy.
The hippopotamus, he is not born going, "Cool bean, I am a hippo." No way,Jose.
So he triedtopaint the stripe on himself to be like the zebra, but he fool no one.
And then he tried to put the spot on his skin to be like the leopard,
but eveyone know he is a hi ppo.
So at certain point, he look himselfin the mirror, and he just say,
" Hey, I am a hi ppopotam us, and there is nothing I Can do about it."
And as soon as he aCCepts this, he live life happy.
Happy as a hippo.
You understand?.
- I'm gonna kill you! - Reuben! No, Reuben!
- [ Gasps ] - Leuban, this is not the way!
You're gonna be fine, Reuben. No, I'm not gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna be fine at all.
- [Engine Starts ] - And don't Come baCk to me when you've Changed your mind!
'Cause this ship has sailed.
[ SCreams ] [Horn Honks ]
Hey, Tina. Hey, Mitch.
Hey, Reub.
- Cheyl. - Hey.
[ ChatteringStops ]
[Phone Ringing] [ Woman ] Indurskyand Sons, how may I help you?
[ Chattering Resumes ]
What?.
How does eveyone know about this?.
Your mother Called Mr. I ndursky and told him what happened.
I am so sory, Reuben. Thanks, Gladys.
Come here. Oh. Okay.
Thankyou. All right.
I know, I know. Okay.
FuCk. Hey, there he is!
The big man's back. Hey.
Reub, Come on in here. I want to spitball something with you.
All right. Can you give me a minute, Stan?. I'm just gonna run to the men's room.
I'll join you.
I heard aboutyour honeymoon.
Just terrible.
I knew that girl was a slut the seCond I met her.
Yeah, well, you know, it's kind of CompliCated.
Hey, don't make exCuses. She's a dime-store hooker, and she always will be.
Just put it behind you. Speaking ofwhiCh,
you ever hear of a guy named Leland Van Lew?.
Um, Leland Van Lew. Yeah, yeah.
Australian guy, right?. Um, was on the Cover of Forbes lastyear?.
ExaCtly. [ Farts ]
[ Urinating ] Yeah, he started one of those high-teCh, modem-sCrotum,
God only knows what they do Companies anyway.
Jesus Christ. Theywant to take the Company publiC,
and ifhe wants to remain the C.E.O. of a publiCly held Company, guess what he needs.
Life insuranCe. Bingo was his name.
All right, you want me to CheCk him out?. Yeah.
There's just one CatCh. [ Urinating Continues ]
Yeah?. This Van Lewhas a reputation as a cowboy.
Apparently, he's one of these extreme sports nuts.
[Splashing] So it's a long shot,
but ifyou Can pull this thing together, [Zips ]
might be a lot of dough in it for us,
maybe a little extra bonus foryou, helpyou with those house payments.
All right. Well, let's make sure he CheCks out first and-- You see?.
This is whyyou're the only one I Can trust with these jobs.
I was worried thatyou'd been through hell and baCk with that whore wife ofyours.
You sureyou don't need some more time off?.
Mm-hmm. I'm good. Absolutely sure?.
Yeah, no, I'm fine. Yeah?. All right?.
All right, good things.
[CarDoorCloses ]
[Man On Megaphone ] Excuse me.
This is private property. Oh, yeah. No, I know.
I just bought this house. I move in next month.
Oh, sure. Mr. Phifer, right?. Feffier.
Yeah, but you Can just Call me Reuben.
- Okay, then. WelCome to the neighborhood. - Thanks.
[ On Megaphone ] Sorryaboutyourwife, Reuben.
[Reuben ] First ofall, Ijust want to saythankyou to everybodyfor coming out,
and this has just been an inCredible day and night.
It'sjust so great to see all these people, friends and familyand-- [Doorbell Rings ]
To tellyou the truth, I've been waiting for this day my entire life.
I 'm so sory, Reuben. Oh. Thanks.
Thanks, Sandy. Whatever you need, I 'm here for you, brother.
Thankyou. We're rolling.
Hey! Soundspeed.
What the hell is this?. You remember Dustin and ViC.
- They're doing the E! True HollywoodStory on me. - Right.
Sory about yourwife.
Sandy, do you want us over here?. Put it over by the table.
Are you sure?. Yeah.
Is this better?. Oh, yeah, thanks.
Look, you Can forget it. I'm not going to a party.
What do you think is gonna happen?. Lisa's gonna Come waltzing through that door, saying she made a mistake?.
No, of Course not. I'm just---
I'm tying to make sense out ofwhat the hell she did.
I mean, what can Isay? You're mybest friend.
Oh, oh! Hold on. Let me see something here. You're mypartner.
You're my wife. Man, it feels good to say that!
Ah, and, uh--
[ Tape Rewinding ] You're my wife. Man, it feels good to say that!
- What?. - CheCk out her expression. She's terrified.
- She's smiling. - I'm a student of aCting, Reuben.
She's faking it.
The woman got spooked.
She needed to explore, whiCh is exaCtlywhatyou're gonna do.
You've been given the gift offreedom. Don't turn your baCk on that.
I don't want freedom, Sandy! I want to be married!
I bought a goddamn house! I got to move out ofthis apartment in like six weeks!
- [ Laughing ] - Look at her.
She's not thinking about having a deep, committed relationship...
with a complex individual like yourself.
- She's not?. - No! She's daydreaming about having hot, shallow sex with a French nudist!
"Oh, I'm hugging. Oh, I love you so much. "Liar!
[ Elevator Motor Whirring ] So whose party is this agai n?.
I t's an art opening for this DutCh guy, Jost.
His art suCks, but he used to sell me really good pot.
Oh, man, I'm so friggin' horny.
[Dance ]
Look,just don't leave me alone, okay?.
I haven't been to a party by myself in a long time.
Relax. I'm yourwingman.
I'll be right byyour side the whole time.
So what do we do?. Do we, like, get a drink...
or take a lap around the--
Sandy?.
- More wine?. - Sure.
- Thankyou. - This partyis so boring,
and there are no Cute guys here. I haven't notiCed.
I'm appreCiating the art.
I'm not looking for Cute guys.
Oh, so you've sworn off men sinCe you dumped your last boyfriend?.
He was not my boyfriend. We went out for like three days. It was two months!
Really?. Yeah.
I hope he doesn't have to buythat now.
Oh, my God! I think I know that guy.
[Bell Rings ]
Reuben?.
You're Reuben Feffer, right?.
Uh, yes. I'm Polly... PrinCe.
We went to junior high or middle sChool or whatever it's Called together.
You were next to me-- Yeah! Polly PrinCe!
Yes! No, it's Coming baCk to me now. You left before high sChool.
Yeah, after seventh grade. My mom and I, we moved to MiChigan.
And nowyou live here in New York?. Yeah, moved here a few months ago.
So, you know-- Yup. Wow.
[ Giggles ]
Friend ofyours?. Yeah, that's Roxanne.
She does that with, uh, bread, wine bottles and--
Anyway, uh, so what's your deal?. You've got to be married with kids...
and the whole thing.
No, I'm not. I'm single. Yeah, I haven't taken the plunge.
- Oh. - Can I talk toyou for a seC?.
Yeah. Hey, Sandy, this is Polly PrinCe. Remember?. From middle sChool?. Hey, howyou doing?.
Wow. Okay. Sandy Lyle.
Last time I sawyou, you were playing bagpipes in that movie.
Croco Tears. Yep, that's me.
[ Laughs ] Polly, Can I have a word with you?.
Yeah. Sory. ExCuse us.
What happened to you?. Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
No. Can we stay a Couple more minutes?. Dude, no.
This is serious. I just sharted.
I don't know what that means. I tried to fart and a little shit Came out.
I just sharted. Now let's go.
You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.
You have to walk around and pourwine. Mm-hmm.
Polly?. FoCus for one seCond, okay?. I'm sory.
So, hey, guy. I got to go CirCulate. [ ChuCkles ]
Um, but-- So, Sandy, you're good though?. You're still aCting?.
I am. Yeah. It's going inCrediblywell.
I'm aCtually headlining a new revival of Jesus Christ Superstar.
That's great! Yeah.
Well, it was really good seeing you guys. Yeah, you too.
Okay. See ya. All right. Bye, Polly.
- Be good. - Bye. More wine?.
Polly PrinCe.
It's funny, huh?. Seeing her.
Are you okay?. Great. Thankyou.
Huh. She looks good.
Let it rain!
So I did a lot of thinking last night, and there's something I'm pretty exCited about.
What's up?. NiCe.
Let it rain! I feel like I might be ready to move on.
You know, get my life baCk on traCk.
So, I am going to ask Polly PrinCe on a date.
Oh, that's a mistake! She's not right foryou, dude.
Rain danCe!
Hey, you guys want to play some twos?.
ACtually, we're kind of in the middle of a Conversation, so-- You douChe bags bring your "A" game?.
What was that?.
I'm just messing with you, sasquatCh. Let's get it on.
PiCk and roll! PiCk and roll! Outlet! Outlet!
Rain danCe! Sandy, Come on.
Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!
[Yells] Sandy!
White ChoColate!
Raindrop!
Old sChool!
"T." " T."
Time-out. I'm burning. My lungs are burning.
Time-out. Time-out. So why do you think Polly's so wrong for me?.
[ Panting ]
You don't even know this girl, Reuben.
You haven't seen her sinCe seventh grade.
How different Could she be?. I mean, she was a senior delegate at the Model U.N.
She was in the Chess Club. She was a "mathlete."
Heryearbook stats are really impressive. Did you see the tattoo on her baCk?.
Yeah. So what?.
Mathletes don't wear body art like that. 'Nuff said. Ball in!
I really feel like I ran into Polly for a reason.
Really. I mean, I'm sory ifyou don't agree, Sandy,
but I happen to believe in a little thing Called destiny.
You guys ready?.
You know what?. You think maybe you Could putyour shirt baCk on?.
You guys ready to play?.
Good shot. Good shot.
Could I have the ball for a seCond?. Could I have the ball?.
Hey, you know what?. Could we switCh?.
I'd rather not, dude. I just found out how to Cover this man right here, okay?.
Come on, let's play.
[ Groans ]
Ohh!
Yes, Can I get the number for a Polly PrinCe, please?.
PrinCe with a "P '."
Okay, great. And Can I get the address as well?.
[ Beeps ] [ Line Ringing ]
[ Polly] Hello?.
[Phone Ringing]
- Oh, shit! - [Ringing Continues ]
[Answering Machine ] Hi. This is Reuben. No!
I am unable to get to the phone right now, No! No!
but please leave a detailed message after the beep.
I fyou're Calling for--
Yeah
Yeah, I've always been this way
Never known any other way to feel
Got the right ofway
And all ofthe others mustyield
But I'm naked
And I'm in school
Oh.
And I can't make it
To the door Pol ly?.
[ Cell Phone Beeps ]
Gladys, I got to Call you baCk.
Reuben?. [ Laughs ] Hey!
Hi. Hi. This is so funny. I didn't know you lived down here.
Yeah, yeah, I do. Hey, do you live around here too?.
Yeah. No, I don't. I don't live down here.
Hey. Did you Call me last night?.
Um, no, I don't think so.
Areyou sure?. 'Cause I got a hang-up,
so I did that star-69 thingy, and I swore I gotyour answering maChine.
Really?. You know, I heard that from a few people.
So maybe, I don't know, the phone lines got Crossed or something.
Oh, you doing some shopping?. Oh. Yeah.
I-- Gosh. I spent like 200 buCks on this loofah. Hmm.
And it's supposed to be like speCially made in Sweden or something.
Wow. So, yeah.
Would you like to go to dinner sometime?. Oh.
Oh, yeah. Okay. You know, I'm not-- I'm not sure.
Okay. Really?.
I mean, not that I wouldn't-- I'd like to.
It'd be great to CatCh up on stuff and all that. I just--
I got to CheCk my sChedule. All right, well, how about I'll giveyou my Card.
Hereyou go. Okay.
Ah! And on the baCk I've written my home and my Cell number, so--
There's also a fax number. Right on.
And, um, there's a pager number too.
Reuben Feffer, senior risk assessment "analysist." Right.
Analyst. Analyst. Analyst.
Yeah. Right. Right.
- All right. - [Keysjingling]
- I'll seeyou. - Seeya.
Oh.
Seeya. Seeyou later.
[ Fanfare ]
Leland Van Lew's offiCe. This is Deborah.
Hey, Deborah. It's Reuben Feffer from Indursky and Sons Calling for Mr. Van Lew.
Ah, right. The insuranCe man. I'm afraid Leland's in the hospital.
He got bit while swimming with great whites last week. I'm sorry?
Swimming with who?. Great white sharks. But don't wory.
It was only a fesh wound. [Phone Ringing]
Gladys! He's due in Los Angeles next week.
Should I set something up for then?. Okay, you know what, Deborah?. Could you hang on one seCond, please?.
No worries. Reuben Feffer.
Hi, Reuben. It's Polly PrinCe.
Oh, hey, Polly! How's it going?. Good.
I'm just Calling to say that, um, I'm free tomorrow night ifyou want to get together.
Yeah, I would love to get together. That'd be great.
Should I, um-- Should I piCk a restaurant or--
Oh, no, no. You know what?. I should probablyjust CheCk my sChedule, see ifl Can even do it.
Okay. I'm-- Did you sayyou were free?.
Yeah, no, I'm aCtually not sure. But okay, I'll talk toyou later.
Bye. Hello. Okay. Hello. Hello, Polly?.
[Man ] One, two, three and--
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz T el I me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
Whyshouldyou want to know
Don'tyou mind about the future
Don'tyou ty to think ahead Uh, Sandy?.
Save tomorrow for tomorrow
Think about today instead Sandy!
What?.
I'm playing Jesus. That's my song.
I knowit'syoursong, but I felt something, and I decided to go with it.
But you're playing J udas.
J udas. All right, look. Here's the deal. I'm the star of the show, okay?.
So ifl decide to bust out a solo, do me a favorand give me the freedom to rock out.
From the top, okay, Wonsuk?
So the play's going well?.
Yeah, I think it's gonna be fun.
I mean, I just wish they wouldn't surround me with a bunCh of amateurs.
Uh-huh. Isn't that like the point of Communitytheater?. Whatever, Reuben.
So I'm going on a date with Polly.
All right! Where areyou taking her?.
I don't know. Some restaurant in the East Village.
She left the address on my maChine.
How Could you let Polly piCk the restaurant?.
Well, I had no ChoiCe. She Called me, like, seven times...
to Confirm and then CanCel and then Confirm again.
Why?. What's wrong with letting her piCk the plaCe?.
You've got irritable bowel syndrome, dude.
If she Chose an ethniC restaurant, you're gonna be running to the bathroom evey five seConds.
Oh, my God. You're right.
Thankyou.
You know, I doubt it'll get this far, but if she turns out to be easier than I thought,
there's something you need to know.
I'm not a virgin, Sandy.
No, not teChniCally, but times have Changed sinCeyou were last single.
Now, listen, when I'm making out with a girl for the first time,
I like to give her a little spankin'.
What?. Nothing violent.
You just tap her real light right on the tushy and say,
"Hey, I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy."
Listen to me.
What areyou doing? I'm blotting the grease.
That's the best part. Let me see that. Listen, don't be shy.
- It's just a little tap. It's like saying, "Boop, I'm your daddy." - I'm not gonna tap her.
Brings 'em right baCk to Childhood. Trust me, they're putty in your hands after that.
I gotta tell you, I'm really exCited about this. Really.
I feel like this Could be one ofthose...
defining moments of my life or something, you know?.
[ Laughs ] Yeah, I aCtually think it's not gonna work out,
but I'm pulling foryou, Reub.
Just pray to God she doesn't go ethniC.
The plaCe didn't sound ethniC.
What was the name? Al Hafez.
[Middle Eastern ]
So when did you live in MoroCCo?.
In the late '90s. I bounCed around to a bunCh of different plaCes over the past few years.
Oh, yeah?. Like where?. Oh, God, where?.
Let's see, Austin, Istanbul, Sri Lanka, Portland,
Costa RiCa, Buffalo, a Couple other plaCes.
Wow. Wereyou in the PeaCe Corps?. No, I just like to move a lot.
I kinda get stir-Crazy ifI'm stuCk in one plaCe for too long, you know what I mean?.
- Oh, yeah, Completely. - [Both Laughing]
No, remember?. You were the person who broke-- Oh, my God!
I Can't believe you remember that. Oh, of Course.
You were like the greatest delegate in Model U.N. histoy.
I guess I didmanage to pass a fewresolutions.
[ Laughs ]
Are you okay?. 'Cause you're sweating pretty profusely.
Yeah, no, I'm fine. I always reaCt this way to spiCy food.
Okay. Yeah, but I love it.
I Can't believe you're not married. I mean, even when we were kids,
I always sawyou as that guythat would settle down at ayoung age,you know?
You were always kinda like an old young guy. Yeah, well, it just hasn't happened.
[ StomaCh Growling ] But, uh, what about you?. You ever gotten Close or--
To the whole marriage thing?. Oh, God, no. No way.
No,yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not really big on the whole, um, long-term Commitment thing.
Mm-hmm. Why?. Are you Coming out of a bad relationship or--
No, I'm kinda Coming out oflike eight bad relationships.
- Eight?. - You sure I Can't getyou a towel or something?.
No, no. I'm good. But ifthe right person Came along, things might be different, right?.
Oh, yeah.
You're probably right. [ StomaCh Growling ]
Sory. Um--
- Hey, you mind ifl go to the men's room?. - Please.
Sure. Oh, gosh!
[Man ] Occupied. I'm gonna be here all night, dude.
All right, well, this is me. Great.
Why don't you Come upstairs and, uh, I'll make you some Coffee or tea.
Okay, great.
I just gotta find my keys here. Oh, shoot.
- [ StomaCh Growling ] - They're right there, I hear 'em.
[ Growling Continues ]
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, wow. This is great. It's so cozy.
Thanks. Did you just move in or--
No. I've been here about four months. Uh-huh.
- [ Yelps ] Rat! Rat in the house! - Oh, no, no.
This is Rodolfo. He's a ferret.
I got him in SiCily at a fea marketyears ago.
He's old. He Can't really see anymore.
Cute. Hey, you mind ifl useyour bathroom?.
Oh, sure,yeah. Oh, actually, that's not the bathroom.
- My bathroom's right here. - Oh. Okay.
Yeah, 'Cause I just, uh, had a lot to drink, a lot ofwater. I'll just be a seCond.
Okay, take your time. [Door Closes ]
Ohh! I don't believe this. [Small Fart]
[Squeaks ]
- Go away. Go away. - [ Squeaks]
Go! Go! Shoo! Poo!
- [ Farting Continues ] - Oh, God.
[ Squeaky Fart ] Ohh!
[ Big Fart ]
[ShowerRunning]
Oh, no.
[ShowerRunning]
[Toilet Flushes ]
Oh, God, I beg you, please. Ifyou make this water go down,
I will sit at your feet, and I will serve you for all of eternity.
I'll adopt a Somalian kid, or I'll work in CalCutta, or I'll--
Please,just make thewater--
- No! No! - [ Squeaking ]
Oh, myGod! [ Yelps ]
This was fun. Yes.
Hmm. IfI'd known your grandmother had embroidered that towel,
I would've never-- Oh, really, you know what, that's okay.
Okay, well--
Good night, Polly. Good night, Reuben.
Good night. Oh, okay.
All right, okay. Oh. All right. That's niCe. Okay, so--
[ Sandy] Dude, whywould you make number two in her apartment?.
She asked me to Come upstairs. I mean, what should I have done?.
[Woman Singing] Tell heryou're tired and shag ass out ofthere.
Guys. I Called her to apologize.
What was that?. I Called her to apologize.
But it doesn't really matter 'Cause I doubt she'll ever want to see me again.
You know what?. I gotta Call you baCk. Cool.
[ Elevator Dings ] Mr. Van Lew?
Feffer?. Yes. Hi. Reuben Feffier.
I reCognized you from the Forbes Cover.
You're way early, sport. Come on, then. Get in.
Is this the serviCe elevator?.
Yeah. I don't thinkwe'll have a problem with this insuranCe business.
Sure, I take ChanCes, but, hey, you Can't build a suCCessful business without the oCCasional risk.
Oh, of Course. What I'm tying to determine are the kinds of risks you aCtually do take.
I only take the CalCulated ones. Trust me, I plan on being round for ages yet.
Well, I know we'd really love to giveyou a poliCy ifwe Can make it work.
We'll make it work, sport. Great.
So, uh, what are we doing on the roof?.
I'm just gonna do a bit of a BASE jump.
Here. Keep the walkie on Channel 1 3, all right?.
I don't know whatyou're talking about. A BASE jump. A free-fall from an inanimate objeCt.
I always Cary me Chute in Case I find a good launChing point. Oh, no.
[ Cell Phone Ringing] All right, look, just don't do anything, all right?.
Reuben Feffer. Hey, Reuben, it's Polly PrinCe.
Hey, Polly! How's it going?. I'll giveyou a shout when I'm through, all right?.
No! No, that's not all right. Polly, Can I Call you baCk in a seCond?.
Okay. I just wanted to tell you I gotyour message, and you know what?.
Let's just start over and forget about that whole loofah thing. Holy shit!
No! Yahoo!
Oh! Holy shit! I didn't like that loofah.
- [ SCreams ] - Relax. Leland's meeting with the insuranCe guy right now.
[ SCreaming ]
- Oh! - Oh, Crap!
Oh, shit! I'll just Call you in the next few days. Bye!
Leland to Feffier, Leland to Feffier. You there, mate?
Yes, Feffer to Leland, hello?.
Come on down and give us a hand.
I think I might have fraCtured me CoCCyx.
[Sitar]
[Polly] Oh, look at that. You got me a new loofah.
Yeah, it's from Finland, and the salesman said it has a vey ergonomiC design, so--
Oh, Reuben, that's really-- thankyou-- really sweet.
Oh, my God! [ Laughs ] I don't believe this!
Oh, what areyou doing here?.
We're having an early supper. I wanted your father to ty new Cuisines.
Really?. It's only 3..00. It's a Crime to beat the dinner Crowds?.
Who is this young woman?.
This is PollyPrince. Polly, these are myparents. No!
Irving and Vivian Feffer. Polly, it's so good meeting you.
- How are you?. - I Can't believe you're eating Indian. You hate spiCy food.
- No, I don't, Mom. - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Well, I'm gonna-- Psst! I'm gonna ask-- [ Snaps Fingers ]
I'm gonna ask this niCe Native AmeriCan man to get us a bigger table.
Mom, they're Indian. You Can Call them Indian. It's okay.
Hi. Need big table, please. Four people.
Many thanks.
Okay.
Now, how doyou kids know eaCh other?. I told you.
Mom, we went to middle sChool together. We were both delegates in the Model U.N.
Oh, you still work in government, honey?.
No, no. I'm a waitress.
- Mm. - She's also writing a Children's book.
Oh, vey niCe. Reu, you'll never guess who I ran intoyesterday.
Who's that?. Lisa's mother.
That's good. Hey, Dad, didyou trythis-- What is this stufficalled?
- Sag. - Sag. Did you ty this?.
Apparently, Lisa's doing wonderfully down there in St. Barts,
- sel I i ng vi I las, happy. - That's good for her.
- Now, who's Lisa?. - Nah.
- Not important. - Lisa's Reuben's wife.
- Mm. Oh. - She left him for another man on their honeymoon.
- Oh. - Are we ready for the CheCk?. I think I'll take the CheCk.
- [ Sighs ] - What?.
Well, you know, your dad seems really niCe.
Yes. A man offew words. [ ChuCkles ] Yeah.
Hey, look, I just wantyou to know I was gonna tell you about Lisa.
I just, um-- I was embarrassed, and I...
I guess 'Cause I hadn't seen you for so long and-- Oh, it's so okay.
I understand. No, I was an idiot.
I should've just told you the truth right from the start.
Reuben, I'm really-- I'm not upset. But when did this happen?.
Two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago?.
Oh, my God! Are you okay?.
Well, it was a pretty big shoCk. [ SCoffs ]
I walked in on her, on Lisa,
with, um, a sCuba instruCtor on the first day of our honeymoon.
Theywere still wearing their fippers. Anyway--
[ ChuCkles ] Oh.
I mean-- Ohh!
[ Beeps ]
Hey, Reuben! Uh, it's Polly... PrinCe.
Um, I don't know ifyou have any plans tonight,
but if not, you should swing by, uh, 37 Gansevort Street...
around 9..00 ifyou Can make it.
You know, it's no big deal, but it Could be fun.
So, you know, think about it.
Okay, so, um, I'll seeyou later... or not. I mean eitherway.
And-- Oh, ifyou do Come, you should wear Comfortable shoes.
That is ifyou Come. Butyou totally don't have to.
I mean, I might not even be there.
I am so glad thatyou Came. Yeah. I wore my Comfortable shoes just likeyou said.
[ Laughs ] So what are we doing?.
Oh, Crap.
[Salsa ]
Thisplace is a totalsecret. It is the best underground salsa club in New York.
Yeah, you know, I'm not really a big danCer. I don't know--
Oh, Come on. You know what?. It's easier than it looks.
Oh! Oh, okay. There you go. Just feel it in your legs.
All right. Okay. Ow!
Sory, sory. That's okay.Just step on my feet a little less than that.
Work it
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Looking good, Pollyanna.
- Hey,Javi. - [javi Mumbling]
You stop that. This is my friend Reuben.
- Hey. - This is Javi.
Hey, you mind if I danCe with the beautiful lady?.
- Um, I guess not. Yeah. - All right, thanks, man.
[ Spanish ]
[Slow Tempo]
Hey. Hi!
I think I might take off. Really?.
Yeah.
Areyou having a bad time?. No, no, no!
I'm just not into this whole dirty danCing thing.
What doyou mean, dirty danCing?.
I saw that movie. I know that's what you and that, uh, Spaniard were doing.
Whoa. Wait a minute. First ofall, he's Cuban,
and thatwasn't dirty danCing, thatwas just salsa.
Okay, it's just I'm just really, truthfully not the kind of guy...
that's ever gonna be into these kind of Clubs or any--
Okay, Reuben, you know, then tell me, what kind of guy are ya?.
What kind of guy am I?. What do you mean?.
Well, up until now, you haven't exaCtly been the portrait ofhonesty, so just Come Clean, okay?.
Just tell me whoyou are.
I hate spiCy food. I knew it!
Yeah, I don't like it at all. I have a mild Case ofl.B.S. and-- What is that?.
Irritable bowel syndrome.
What? Irritable bowel syndrome.
Oh, God. That's terrible.
Um, what else?. Look, the thing is,
I assess risk for a living, so I know that I have a.01 30% ChanCe...
ofbeing hit by a Car on myway home,
or a one in 46,000 ChanCe offalling through a subway grate.
Really?. So I ty to manage that risk by avoiding danger...
and having a plan and knowing what my next move is,
and I guess you don't exaCtly liveyour life that way.
No, I do it-- I do it a little differently. Yeah, whiCh is great.
But I'm not gonna ever be a dirty danCer,
and I don't eat food with my hands,
and I really likeyou, but I just don't think this is gonna work out.
I just have to go pee. Okay.
[Soul]
[WaterRunning]
Just kidding! Oh!
[ MoCk ChuCkle ] Funny.
[Woman Vocalizing]
Do it, do it
Do it again
Let's do it again
I wanna do it again
Sometimes the rain
- Hey. - H i.
Like you and me, baby
Gettin'down with the sounds around
Oh, the smell ofthe morning ower
As we pass away the hours
I wanna do it again
Do it again Do it
[ Stops ] Ow!
Did you just spank me?.
No! I don't-- No.
Mm-mmm. Are you sure?.
'Cause it felt like you just swatted me. No, no, you--
I have a little CriCk in mywrist. You just felt that little--
I was just-- Doyou hear that?. Really?.
Yeah. You hear that?. Well, I got it out. Yeah.
[ Mutters, IndistinCt ]
[Salsa ]
[Reuben Thinking] Oh, wow. This is incredible.
Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, yeah.
Oh, no! No, no. You Can't be done yet.
Come on, Reuben, foCus. You have to last at least five minutes here.
Four minutes, 27, 26, 25.
Two minutes 20, 1 9, 1 8, 1 7.
Come on. You Can do it.
55, 54, 53, 52, 51 -- Oh, God!
Fifty!
[ Giggles ] Fifty?.
Yeah, 50! Whoo!
[Sandy] Let it rain!
I tell ya, I think I might end up marying this woman.
Really? After one night?
Did you spank her?.
Yeah, I tried, but I don't think she liked it.
Yeah, some women find it offensive.
ICeman!
I didnotsleep with him out ofcharity.
You weren't interested till you found out his wife boned some other guy on their honeymoon.
That's not it. He is a kind, deCent, solid guy.
I've never been with anybody like that.
Still sounds like a Charity boning. Hi. Thankyou.
Doyou have to use the word "bone" evey time?.
I use it when it's appropriate.
Haveyou ever heard ofa guy shouting out "50" when he orgasmed?. Yeah.
Yeah?.
Okay, so throw pillows go in this Cabinet here.
Oh, you don't-- you don't sleep on these?.
No, no, they're... deCorative.
- Forwho?. - What do you mean?.
You're the only one who sees them, but you don't sleep on them.
Then you take them offthe bed evey night, put 'em in a box, take them out ofthe box.
I just don't understand the point.
I don't know. I mean, Lisa thought they looked niCe.
Oh. I see. Yeah.
I don't see what the big deal is. They make the bed look niCe.
Hey!
What areyou doing?. That's goose down! I'm liberating you.
Ty it. No!
I'm not gonna-- Just one stab. Come on. See howyou feel.
Come on! This is ridiCulous.
It's not ridiCulous.
It's not like driving a knife into a pillow is suddenly gonna make me feel--
Wow. That feels really good.
Huh? Right? [Chuckles ] Yeah!
- What did I tell you?. - You know what?. You're right.
Come on. Bigger one. What is the point ofthese things really?.
No point. They're stupid. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! I mean, what, am I running a bed-and-breakfast?.
Not anymore. You knowhowmanyminutes a day...
I spend getting throw pillows on and offthe bed?. Howmany?
Four minutes in the morning, four minutes at night. That's eight minutes of my life.
I figured it out. It's 56 minutes a week. That's nearly two days of my life a year I spent putting pillows on and offa stupid bed!
Ha! Ha! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[ Yelling ] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Wait, wait, wait. You hit mattress. - Oh, yeah. [ Sighs ]
You know what?. I really gotta go. I'm late.
Shoot. [ Reuben ] What's wrong?. You loseyour keys again?.
No, they're just not where I left them before.
Hey, why don't you use that key finder I bought you?. Reuben, I don't...
I think it Could help. need the stupid key finder!
All right. Anyway, I was thinking I'd Come meetyou.
Really?. I thoughtyou hated dirty danCing Clubs. [ Beeping ]
No, it's just salsa. It'll be fun. I'll watCh.
Hey, what's that noise?. Nothing.
It's the key finder, isn't it?. No, it's so not the key finder.
Yes, it is! It is not the key finder. I'll seeyou later. Bye.
Yes, it-- Oh! How?.
[Man Singing In Spanish ]
Hey, ReubyTuesday. Como estas?
Yeah. Doin' all right.
You know what?. ACtually, me no estas too good,Javier.
I want you to stay away from Polly, all right?.
Find yourself another danCe partner.
- Why?. - Why?.
BeCause she and I are a Couple, all right?. Yeah, we're dating.
And I'm not gonna let some big shot salsa king...
sweep in with your mambo moves and your Erik Estrada look...
and Come in and ty to take her away, beCause I've had that happen before and it's not gonna happen again.
- Reuben, I am gay. - Hey, I don't Care whatyou-- What?.
I'm homosexual. My boyfriend HeCtor, he plays the keyboards in the house band.
Oh.
Hey, you think maybe you Could give me some salsa lessons?.
[Salsa ]
Huh.
You hated it. No, I don't.
It's just-- It's vey graphiC for a Children's book.
You know, like this one.. "The Boywith a Nub for an Arm."
Well, that one has a moral.
You know, to teaCh kids they gotta be Careful when they're playing with fireworks.
Right. No, and-and I think it's brilliant, by the way. Seriously. Uh-huh.
I mean, like, you really Convey...
the pain and the fear, and I love the little doggy too.
But-- And I don't mean this in a bad way. Right.
Just what wereyou thinking?.
[Salsa ]
So I put all the risks and rewards into the program, Okay. Right.
which helps me finalize myrecommendations.
"Leland Van Lew. " Ooh! BASEjumping!
That is supposed to be so muCh fun. That should be on the rewards side.
It's one of the most dangerous aCtivities a human being Can do.
Really?. Haveyou done it?. Yeah.
Have I paraChuted off the top of a building?. No. Uh-huh.
No?. No.
So how doyou know what it's like?.
I don't. Huh. Interesting.
Would you like some more bulgogi?. Sure.
Yeah?. Yeah, thanks.
I aCtually like this. Yeah, it's good. You do?.
[Vomiting Loudly]
Nowyou look like a pro raCquetballer. How's that shirt fit, all right?.
Uh, yeah, it's fine. You know, I was thinking maybe we Can just sit and talk.
I'm not really a big raquetball player. No worries.
We'll just get up a bit ofa sweat. Have a few giggles.
- [ Yelling ] - [ SCreams ]
So I've been running the numbers,
and I gotta say... things aren't looking too good from our end.
BolloCks!
[ Groans ] Geez!
Leland, I mean, it's not just the BASE jumping.
It's the heli-skiing, [ Yells ]
volCano luging, shark diving.
Bottom line is, unless you drastiCally alteryour lifestyle,
wewon't be able to insureyou.
Reuben, I Came toyou for a reason.
I was told thatyou had more imagination...
than any ofthe other blokes in the big firms--
thatyou analyze the man and not just the numbers.
I guess I was wrong.
Areyou tying to manipulate me?. Of Course I am.
But I wanna hold onto me Company. [ Yells ]
- Oh! - I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna be in NantuCket at the end ofthe month.
You'll Come up and be my guest aboard the 'Roo Shooter.
Aboard the what?. My sailboat.
I'll takeyou for a bit of a sail, giveyou a ChanCe to really get to know me.
And I guaranteeyou by the end ofthe weekend, you'll know what a safe bet I really am.
Yeah, you know what?. Uh, you're bleeding pretty bad.
Yeah, I think I've swallowed a tooth or something.
Oh!
No. Got it. [ ChuCkles ]
Yourserve.
[jazz] So I tell Leland we can't insure him.
He responds by inviting me up to NantuCket for some Death Ray Sailing Challenge.
Really?. Yeah.
Oh, we gotta go do that. I've never been to NantuCket. You wanna Come?.
I would-- Well, Can-- Is that rude?. Is it all right ifl invite myself?.
No! That'd be great. Okay, good. Soyou're aCtually gonna Commit to something in advanCe.
Yeah-- Oh. Oh, my God.
Okay, yeah, I am. I think that would be really fun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?.
What areyou doin'?. I'm-I'm gonna have some nuts.
No. You don't eat mixed nuts at a bar. Eveybody knows that.
What areyou talking about?.
Okay. Let's say, uh,
Conservatively, I don't know, 1 7 people eat these nuts on a given night.
Okay? Ifthey've been here for even two weeks, we're talking about...
238 people who dipped their dirty hands into that bowl.
Dirty-- Why are their-- Why are their hands dirty?.
On average, only one out of evey six people wash their hands when they go to the bathroom.
[ Gasps ] Yeah, so when you thinkyou're innoCently eating a little bar snaCk,
you're aCtually ingesting potentially deadly baCteria from about 39 soil-handed strangers.
I mean, people wonder why they get E. Coli poisoning or salmonella or hepatitis,
when all they gotta do is look at the snaCk bowl at their loCal watering hole.
I'm not being neurotiC. No.
It's an absolute hot zone in there.
How Could you have eaten those?.
I-I-I-I mean, I made suCh a Compelling argument.
I like to live life on the edge.
Oh. Thankyou. Yeah. You never know.
[ Sighs ] [Salsa ]
[Ends ] Reuben, I mean, you don't have to do this.
I don't Care thatyou-- thatyou don't know how to danCe.
No, I thought I'd give it one last ty. Hey,Javi.
Hey, Reuben. You ready?.
Uh-huh. What is happening?.
- [ Shouts In Spanish ] - [Polly] What?
- [ Singing In Spanish ] - What areyou doing?.
Tzzz!
Yi!
[ Yells ]
Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!
[ Ends ]
I don't even know where that "yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi" thing Came from. It was just awesome.
[Polly] Holyshit!
What areyou doing here?.
I'm baCk.
Who's this?.
This is my girlfriend. What?.
- You have a girlfriend?. - I'm notyour girlfriend.
I mean, we'rejust kindof-- Hi, I'm Polly.
Lisa. [Polly] Right.
So, yeah. You know, you guys probably have a lot to talk about.
So I'm just gonna go. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to go.
That's okay. Please. I wanna go. Bye, Lisa. NiCe to meet you. I don't--
I don't wantyou to go. I'm just gonna-- You gotta talk about it.
I'm just gonna go.
[ SCoffs ] [Reuben ] I don't understand.
I mean, I thought-- I thought you were really happywith Claude.
I-I was fora few weeks. But then all he evertalked about was scuba diving.
- Really?. - I missed you.
Reuben-- I missed you too, but-- I mean, Come on!
What was I supposed to do?. I moved on. I'm in a relationship.
- What, with that Polly person?. - Yeah.
She doesn't even Call herselfyour girlfriend.
She-- That's-- No. She just doesn't like the phrasing.
Oh, okay. Okay. Then let mejust askyou this.
Are you really gonna spend the rest ofyour life with her?.
I don't know, Lisa.
BeCause I'm ready to do that with you, Reuben.
I made a mistake and I tookyou for granted,
but I promiseyou that I will never, ever hurtyou again.
I loveyou, Reuben.
You know what?. I think, um--
I thinkyou should, um, go staywith your parents, okay,
'Cause I gotta be out ofhere in a week.
What areyou talking about? Where areyou going? Where am I going?.
I'm going into the house, remember?. The house that I bought for us to live in.
Well, then, let's-let's do it together. Let's go move into our house.
You don't just-- No, we Can't just go-- I Can't--
No. I Can't--
I don't even know what to say right now, okay?. So--
Okay.
[ Polly] Ifyou wanna get baCk together with her, just let me know.
No, I'm not planning on getting baCk togetherwith her.
I wouldn't be seeing you ifl was planning-- It's Cool, you know?.
You guys are married. She Came baCk. All right, Polly--
How's it Coming with Herb Lazare, D.D.S.?. Hello?.
I haven't even gotten into ityet. I'm-I'm still working on Van Lew.
Wait a minute. I thought you deCided on Van Lew two weeks ago.
We're presenting to AFLAC on Wednesday.
Polly, Can you hang on a seCond?. Just hang on one seCond. No, I kinda have to go.
You better not be bonus hunting on me, Reuben. Bonus hunting?
Stan, the man's Career is on the line. I owe it to him to give him a thorough analysis.
All right.
I'm going to Barbados with my mistress for the weekend.
I want this Van Lew thing settled by the time I get baCk. All right?.
I am on it, and I'm gonna make it happen.
Good things. Good things.
[ Dial Tone ] Polly?.
Oh, damn! [Doorbell Rings ]
Hey, pal. Hey, Lary.
Lisa dropped this offforyou.
Oh. Thanks.
[Reuben's Voice ] I met a real estate agent named Lisa Kramer...
who showed me an apartment, which I rentedjust so she'd go out with me.
[ Lisa's Voice ] I gave him a good price. Yeah, not good enough.
She's a killer!
[ Rock ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I just Can't bel ieve she Came baCk. [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Can we please just foCus for a seCond?. I 'm almost finished.
What's next?. Polly's Career prospeCts.
Risky. She's writing a Children's book where kids get maimed.
Yeah, see, I think her laCk of Career is aCtually a positive,
'Cause she'd have more time to spend with the kids.
[Sandy] You're skewing the numbers in Polly's favor, Reuben.
Whyare we even doing this?
BeCause I'm Confused, Sandy.
I mean, my goddamn wife shows up on my doorstep...
wanting to get baCk together, Polly's freaking out.
I just wanna make sure I'm making the right deCision.
[ Moans ]
I don'tsee howputting these two girls in the Riskmaster's gonna helpyou make upyourmind.
Mmm.
Interesting. What's it say?
Polly.
Polly?. Yeah.
No way. You should just Cut your losses and get baCk with Lisa.
Nah, I CheCked it, like, three times. The program says she's the safer ChoiCe. Whatever.
Bythe way, dude, isyourhealth okay?
I mean, you're looking kind of thin.
Uh, no. Polly's been making me eat ethniC food,
so I've been throwing up a lot lately.
Cool. Polly PrinCe.
Polly Feffer.
Polly PrinCe-Feffer.
Come on. You Can't CanCel. I thoughtyou were so exCited to go.
I know, but-- Polly.
We fell in love with these funnylittle Bolivian mud huts. Hello?.
- Hold on. - So we had our designer use a similar Color palette in here.
Hi. I'm sory. I'm on the phone.
Would you just please keep it-- Shh.
So, also, you know what else?.
It's like I feel weirdgoing away forthe weekend when your wife'sjust come back into town.
I don't know why you're making this into suCh a big deal.
I told you I'm not getting baCk together with her. Okay.
So are you Coming or not?. I'm Coming.
All right. Okay?.
Bye. Okay, bye.
Goddamn right it's a beautiful day
Uh-huh, goddamn right it's a beautiful day
Uh-huh
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
You're pretty good at it. You're a natural.
[ Polly] Oh! This is amazing! Hey, Leland!
Are those storm Clouds up ahead?.
Nah. We might just get a light dusting, that's all. Nothing to write home about.
[Thunderclap ]
Areyou sureyou're all right?.
[Reuben ] Oh, no, I'm okay. I don't think I have mysea legsyet.
I'll be out in a sec. All right.
Oh, God.
[ Fanfare ]
So I know we haven't been seeing eaCh other that long,
but I really feel like it's time we take things to the next level,
and I'd likeyou to Consider moving in with me.
Why don't we just-- Why don't we just move in together?.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna have ourselves a tussle.
[Chittering] Hey, Polly!
Oh, my God. Rodolfo's inyourtoiletrykit! Didyou know that?
Did you paCk him, or did you-- did you--
What-What is this?. I mean, why am I in your Computer...
on your Riskmaster thingy and-- Okay, you know what?.
I Can explain this, Polly. Well, no, it's fasCinating. I learned a lot about myself.
I've learned that I have no Career, I'm faky, I like ethniC food.
Polly, would you let me explain this?. Uh-huh.
Lisa Came baCk, and I, you know, I've been tying to figure things out.
What areyou figuring out, Reuben?. Just about us and our future.
Future?. What areyou talking about?.
What future?. Reuben, Come on!
This is a fing, you know?. Come on. What, did you think we were gonna get married?.
Whoa! Maybe...
I was gonna askyou to move in with me first.
Oh, my God. You expeCt me to move to the suburbs with you?.
Reuben, areyou insane?. Whoa! Why is that so Crazy?.
People do that all the time. They have kids, they-they-they make plans,
they get married, they buy houses. You know what, though?.
That's you, Reuben. You do that, right?. That's what you do.
I don't live my life that way. Is your laCk of a plan that different than my plan?.
I don't-- I don't have a plan. Yes, you do!
You're on the non-plan plan. I am not on a non-plan plan!
You are too! I've never met anybody more afraid of Committing to anything.
I mean, you were a senior delegate at the Model U.N., Polly.
What the hell happened toyou?. Whoa!
[ Leland ] Wahoo!
Come on, you mother! You Can do better than that!
I've been living my life, okay?.
I've been in goodrelationships and I've been in shitty ones,
and I've moved a lot, and I've been happy and I've been sad,
and I've been lonely, and that's what I've been doing,
which is a lot more than I can say forsome freak who thinks...
he's gonna get the Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts.
Those nuts have pee on them! It's Common sense!
Oh, trust me, that is so far beyond Common sense, Reuben.
[ Grunting ]
You don't understand what I grew up with.
I had a mother who made me afraid of eveything.
Okay, well, big deal, Reuben. My dad had a whole seCond family.
- What?. - Yeah, on Long Island.
A wife andkids anda golden retriever.
A seCond family?.
Whatever. Hey, you know what?.
I'm, uh, glad I saw that.
Polly-- I am. 'Causeyou know what?
I'm gonna make this really, uh, easy foryou, Reuben.
I have, um-- I have no interest...
in getting married and moving to the suburbs.
And, obviously, that's something that's really important to you.
So here's what I think your new plan should be.
I thinkyou should get baCk togetherwith Lisa,
move intoyourhouse, andmove on withyourlife.
And-And, uh, I think you guys will be really happy together.
Oh, dear Lord.
Whoa!
[Reuben ] You're not making myjob any easier, Leland.
Ah, come on, Reub. Weather report saidsunnyskies.
Your sorry eyes
They cut through the bone
They make it hard
To leave you alone
[ Polly On Answering Machine ] Hey, it's Polly... Prince.
Leave me a message, or call back, or not.
You know, whatever. Okay, bye. [ Beeps ]
Hey, Pol ly, it's me. Listen, um,
I would like to talk to you, all right?.
'Cause I feel really bad about what happened, and--
Just give me a Call on my Cell phone, all right?.
Baby,you're a lost
[ Ringing ]
Baby,you're a lost cause
Hello?. Hi. It's Lisa.
Oh. Hey. So, how's the house?.
The house is, uh-- it's great.
Yeah, it's big, but, you know, great.
Well, I Can't wait to see it. Hey, did you get the gift I sentyou?.
Yeah, I did. Thanks.
I reallywanna seeyou, Reuben.
I don't know, Lisa. Let me think about it.
Fighting fora lost cause
[Man OverP.A.] Ladies andgentlemen, please takeyourseats.
The premiere ofJesus Christ Superstar is about to begin.
Hey!
Reuby Tuesday! Hey! J avi!
Como estas? What are you doin' here?.
What else?. HeCtor's playin' keyboards in the band.
Ah. I didn't figure you a fan of musiCal theater.
No, my friend Sandy Lyle is in the show.
Hey, have you, um-- have you talked to Polly?.
She was upset, bro. Must've been some kind offight, huh?.
Yeah. I keep Calling her up, and she won't piCk up the phone.
I don't know, I was thinking about maybe dropping by tomorrow.
It's a bit too late, papi. She's leaving town in about two hours.
What?. W-Why?. Where is she going?. I don't know.
She said good-bye. That's it.
Hi. I'm sory I'm late. Hey.
Oh, no. Yeah. Hi.
Hey,Javi, this is Lisa,
my... wife.
[ Guitar]
Hey. Oh.
Her mother told me she was baCk. You're doing the right thing here, Reub.
Relax, Mom. I'm not promising anything. It's vey exCiting.
[Cell Phone Ringing] Reuben Feffer.
Reuben, Stan. Change of plan.
The meeting with Van Lew's board and the AFLAC people's moved to 4..00. 4..00?.
I don't know if I Can do that. What the hell is wrong with you?. Getyour ass over here!
[ OverP.A. ] Goodevening, folks. Uh, I'm SandyLyle,
and I've got a veryspecial announcement.
Please note that in tonight's performance, [ Stops ]
in addition to playing the role ofjudas,
I'll be playingjesus as well.
Thank you very much and enjoy the show. [ Man ] Sandy, what are you doing?
Wonsuk is playingjesus.
[ Sandy] It's cool. I'm playing dual roles.
Give me your crown, okay, Wonsuk? [ Wonsuk ] Screwyou, Sandy!
You're a has-been. No one even cares you were in that stupid movie.
- Oh, no. - Oh, shit! Aah!
[ Al I Gaspi ng ] [ Wonsuk ] Judas is biting me!
What just happened in there?. I am a professional, Reuben,
and I'm not gonna put my reputation on the line for a group offreaking amateurs.
[Irving] It's always the same story withyou, huh, pal?
You did this one movie a hundred years ago.
From then on, you thought you were better than eveybody else.
Why don't you let go?. Move on with your life.
It's not about what happened in the past...
orwhat you think might happen in the future.
It's about the ride, for Christ's sake.
There's no point going through all this Crap...
ifyou're not gonna enjoy the ride.
And you know what?. When you least expeCt it,
somethinggreat might come along--
something better thanyou even planned for.
You were funny as hell playing those bagpipes, though.
Did I ever tell you that?.
I-I don't think I've ever heard you speak before, Mr. Feffer.
So, Reuby, we're gonna grab a bite afteryour work thingamajigy?
No, Lisa.
I shouldn't have asked you to Come down here.
I 'm not getting baCk together with you.
What are you talking about?. W-Why?. Why?
You sCrewed a sCuba diving instruCtor on our honeymoon.
I mean, what kind ofcold, heartless bitch...
would do that to someone they love?.
I'd have to be an idiot to get baCk together with you after that.
Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows.
Yeah, beCause throw pillows suCk, okay?.
They serve no purpose. They're purely deCorative.
Dude, that was inCredible.
You're the one who told me I should get baCk togetherwith her. Reuben.
Whateveryou do, don't ever take my adviCe again.
Your dad totally put it in perspeCtive for me.
I was barely famous baCk then, and I'm never gonna be famous again.
What aboutyour E! True HollywoodStory?
The E! Channel doesn't even know we're making this show.
What do you mean?.
I hired Dustin and ViC myself.
And I was gonna tryandsell it to the network when I'm done.
You mean you're doing an E! True Hollywood Story on yourself?.
[ ChuCkles ]
Sandy, that's so-- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I know. I'm suCh a loser.
Look, I need you to do something for me that's really, really important.
Soyou gotta promise me just this one time you won't sCrew it up.
Reuben, I'm yourwingman.
Whatever it is, I will not letyou down.
Your Reuben's proxy?. What the hell does that mean?.
Now, he's dealing with a personal situation, so he asked me to fill in.
Now, you gotta relax. I'm a professional aCtor,
and these dudes will never know the differenCe. I Can't freaking believe this is happening.
Be quiet, 'Cause I'm... tyin' to prepare.
I'm gonna vomit.
I am so sory for the delay, folks,
but one of our senior analysts, Reuben Feffer,
had his spleen burst just a few moments ago, and--
That's not good. Is he gonna be all right?. Well, God willing, Leland.
But anyway, be that as it may, we have Mr. Feffer's assoCiate here, Mr. Sanford Lyle,
who's been briefed on the case and will present Reuben's recommendations.
Thank you, Stanley.
[ Clearing Throat Loudly ]
I just need a little bit ofwater.
[ Slurps, Groans ]
[ Clearing Throat Loudly]
As you know, this is a highly Complex Case.
Um, let me see here.
[ Clearing Throat Loudly]
Yeah, on the plus side,
Leland's blood pressure is pretty solid.
And he's, uh, at a deCent weight,
and he looks pretty damn healthy, right?.
Andhe's asexyguy, right?
And he is sexually aCtive in the Community.
[ Honking, Tires SCreeChing ]
- Polly?. -J.F.., please.
[Rodolfo Chittering]
Let's not bullCrap eaCh other.
On paper, Van Lewis one of the riskiest sons ofbitches alive.
But, people,
we Cannot sum up a man's life with a bunCh of numbers on a Computer sCreen.
All right, we all need to look into our hearts and go,
"Do I think this dude is gonna die in a fewyears or not??"
Is old Leland here gonna fight offa man...
with the last name "Reaper," first name--
who goes by the last name "Reaper," first name "Grim"?.
Orwill this BASE-jumping,
CroCodile-wrestling,
shark-diving, volCano-luging,
bear-fighting, snake-wrangling,
motocross-racing bastard die?
And the answer is no, friends,
which is why myself,
Reuben Feffer, Stan...
and all ofus here at Indurby and Friends...
are willing to lay our asses on the line...
and proudly reCom mend that Leland Van Lew...
reCeive fifty million dollars in life and health...
and automobile insuranCe...
for a duration of no less than 20 years.
Hey, what doyou think, guys?.
Areyou that kid from Crocodile Tears?
You're goddamn right I am.
I thought so. Impressive presentation. He's insured.
Yeah! Bloody ripper! Congratulations.
Loveya, son!
[ Beeping ]
[Polly] Rodolfo, wait!
I'm so sory! [Beeping Intensifies ]
Reuben, it's too late. I have to be on a plane in, like, 45 minutes.
I don't think you reallywanna leave here.
You have no idea what I want.
You left Rodolfo behind. Does that mean anything toyou?.
Look, I made a mistake, all right?. I should've never putyou in the Riskmaster.
Truth is, no matter what happened on our honeymoon,
you're muCh riskier than Lisa Could ever be. Yes.
Right. That's why it's not gonna work out between us.
Reuben, you are a niCe, safe, Conventional guy.
Just-- It's not gonna work out.
I don't think that's who I really am.
It is, Reuben. That's okay.
What do I have to do to prove it toyou?. Huh?.
Hey! Huh?.
What areyou-- Oh, my God.
Hey, look. Look, I'm eating nuts.
- What the hell areyou doing?. - Those nuts aren't even dirty.
Hey.
Oh!
SinCe we've been together, I've felt more unComfortable,
out of plaCe, embarrassed...
and just physiCally siCk than I have in my entire life.
But I couldn't have gone through all that--
I Couldn't have thrown up 1 9 times in 48 days...
if I wasn't in love with you.
Maybeyou were right. Maybe this isjust a fling.
But ifyou get on that plane and you go to CinCinnati...
orTanzania orwhereveryou're going,
we'll never know if it Could've been something more.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
No. Oh, no. N-No.
- Oh, Reuben. - Please don't eat those.
No, really.
Oh, God.
I don't want you to go away, Polly.
I'm not gonna maryyou, Reuben.
I don't wanna get married.
I just wanna take you to dinner...
sometime this week.
Can I piCk the plaCe?.
Solid.
ExCuse me. Hi. Hello.
Iseeyou two are newto the island. I want to come have a meet--
Oh, my stars and stripe. Leuban!
Oh, my God. I Cannot believe it is you. This is Polly.
Hi, Polly. I am Claude.
Wow. Hi. So how's it goin'?.
In truth, uh,
it has been a little bit tough noogies for me.
Lisa, she-- she broke my heart.
- I'm sory to hear that. - Ah. That is life, huh?.
Well, you have to be like the hippo.
ExaCtly. Like the hippo.
So, let me guess. You are here on honeymoon again?. This is your beautiful bride?.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We're just, uh-- We're just hangin' out.
Oh, Come on. It's a little more serious than that.
Well, yeah. I'm just sayin' we're not married. Right.
- No, definitelynot married. But it's possible. - It is possible.
We're takin'things step bystep, seein'how they work out.
Okay, I don't really understand what you are talking about,
but, uh, any ChanCe you are for sCuba today?.
You know what?. ACtually, we are for sCuba.
- No way,Jose! - Yes way,Jose!
But we're goin' out with that guy.
Hey, Leland! We'll be out there in a minute!
Ah, you know what?. As long as you are for sCuba, Leuban, I am happy.
Oh. Sweet.
So, au revoir, my good friend. Okay. Hey.
Thankyou for eveything, Claude.
It's good to see you again. Good-bye, Polly.
Good-bye. Nice to meetyou, Claude.
You as well.
So you ready?. Let's do it.
Butyou can't seem to get enough
Let mylove open the door
Let my love open the door
Let me love open the door
To your heart Let my love open the door
When evehing feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leafclover
Take all the worry out ofyour mind
Let my love open the door
To your heart Let my love open the door
I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourselffrom misery
There 's only one thing gonna set you free
That's my love
Let my love open the door
When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it dragyou down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
To your heart