PREVIOUSLY ON THE L-WORD... TOMORROW NIGHT
THERE'S GOING TO BE YOU EVERYWHERE.
YOU'RE OUR NEWEST "IT" GIRL!
I THINK YOU'RE AN AMAZING WOMAN--
STOP BEFORE YOU GET TO THE "BUT".
I'M GOING TO BREAK IT OFF WITH HAZEL.
I MEAN, THAT'S A GIVEN,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO TELL KIT.
WHY, SO YOU CAN BREAK HER HEART AND DESTROY HER TRUST IN YOU?
MEGAN REED MADE A COMPLAINT
AND IS THINKING ABOUT SUING MITCH.
SHE'S A STUPID BITCH.
MITCH DOESN'T SUPPORT WOMEN.
WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE HE DID IT TO ME.
SO WHAT'S THE VERDICT?
I'M FEELING LUCKY TONIGHT.
$50,000?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR.
[CHIPS FALLING]
BUT DON'T WORRY. THERE'S MORE THAN
ONE WAY TO PAY OFF A DEBT.
I AM SO CRAZY ABOUT YOU.
THIS IS JENNIFER- FUCKING-SCHECTER,
THE LUNATIC WHOSE BOOK I REVIEWED.
SOUNDER?
THAT'S NOT MY DOG.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
ME AND TINA, WE HAVE A BABY.
I DON'T LIKE KIDS. I DON'T.
[WAITER]: CAN I GET YOU LADIES ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, JUST THE CHECK. THANKS.
CAN WE TRY AGAIN?
YOU'RE IN THE ARMY?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
SO YOU LIKE GIRLIE-GIRLS, HUH?
I DON'T WANT IT TO END, ALICE.
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.
PHYLLIS?
I TOLD LEONARD ABOUT US.
I TOLD HIM I WANTED A DIVORCE.
[GUNS FIRING]
[WEAPONS FIRE]
[GUNS FIRING]
[HYPERVENTILATING]
[**]
* GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES *
* CHICKS DRIVING FAST INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES *
* WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE, LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE *
* THIS IS THE WAY IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* TALKING, LAUGHING LOVING, BREATHING *
* FIGHTING, FUCKING CRYING, DRINKING *
* WRITING, WINNING LOSING, CHEATING *
* KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING
* THIS IS THE WAY...
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE
* AND LOVE
MM... GOOD MORNING.
OH, FUCK.
[GROANING]
I GOT THREE HOURS OF SLEEP.
YOU'RE EXHAUSTING ME.
[LAUGHS]
[YAWNING]
[CHUCKLING]
IS IT...
GAUGUIN?
SENDAK.
SENDAK!
SENDAK...
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[ALARM BEEPING]
[SIGHING]: IT'S THE ALARM CLOCK.
[GROANING]
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
YOU'RE THE BOSS.
YOU COULD BE LATE.
OH, FUCK...
[MOANING]
I THINK I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WHAT?
YOU SAY SOMETHING?
NOTHING.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
YOU WANT TO BE INSIDE ME?
PLEASE.
[MOANING]
[SIGHING]
I'M REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU, SOUNDER.
I'M VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I USED YOU.
I DO CARE ABOUT YOU, SOUNDER.
I HOPE THAT YOU'RE IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE NOW.
GOODBYE, SOUNDER.
HEY, JENNY.
HEY.
I LIKE GARDENING.
DID YOU READ IT?
YEAH. LISTEN--
IT'S NOT SO BAD, RIGHT?
I MEAN, ALICE OVER-REACTED TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT,
BUT, I MEAN, THIS ONE'S NOT THAT BAD, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW, JENNY.
I MEAN, THERE'S SOME STUFF ABOUT BETTE IN HERE
THAT'S PRETTY HARSH.
I DON'T HAVE A CHARACTER NAMED BETTE.
OKAY, "BEV." WHATEVER.
I JUST-- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD SEND IT.
BETTE OF ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTANDS HOW ARTISTS CREATE.
BETTE'S NOT STUPID.
SHE UNDERSTANDS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION.
BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS
WHO YOUR CHARACTERS ARE BASED ON,
AND IT'S NOT RIGHT
TO EXPOSE YOUR FRIENDS LIKE THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR STUDIO
AND LIFT SOME WEIGHTS?
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND MY STORY.
WHATEVER.
[CHUCKLING]
EVERYTHING IS ART TO YOU,
RIGHT?
EVERYTHING IS DESIRE.
WELL, DESIRE CAN'T BE EVERYTHING.
NO?
NO, THERE ARE RESPONSIBILITIES...
[MOUTHING WORDS]
BUT I... I...
I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.
OH. NO. NO, I DO.
I HAVE TO GET TO WORK. I...
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
THAT'S THE PHONE.
[MOUTHS WORD]
HELLO?
PHYLLIS!
ARE YOU OKAY?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M AT HOME.
I DIDN'T GO TO CHICAGO FOR A CONVENTION.
I... I JUST... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T SEEM TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER.
OKAY. HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
I WANT YOU TO GO BACK INTO THE OFFICE.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU TO BE AT HOME ALONE.
ALL RIGHT?
YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF BED.
Y--
PHYLLIS.
JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
WE'RE COMING OVER.
HI.
YEAH, THAT WAS JODI LERNER.
YEAH, SHE CAME OVER EARLY THIS MORNING--
UM...
ACTUALLY,
SHE CAME OVER LAST NIGHT
AND WE SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.
WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACH ANOTHER.
[MOUTHS WORDS]
YES.
SHE'S A LESBIAN.
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OKAY, PHYLLIS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
YOU ARE BAD.
YOU ARE BAD!
HELENA, WE'VE ALL BEEN WHORES
AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.
EVERYONE'S DONE THINGS FOR MONEY
THEY'RE NOT PROUD OF.
IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A WHORE.
YEAH, BUT SHE'S NOT GOING TO SLEEP
WITH THIS WOMAN
JUST TO PAY OFF A GAMBLING DEBT.
ARE YOU?
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO, ALICE?
I'M GOING TO BE A WHORE.
HANG ON A SEC, HELENA.
DIDN'T YOU SAY
THAT SHE WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL?
OH, SHE'S STUNNING.
REALLY?DOES THAT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?
IF I'M FUCKING A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN FOR MONEY?
I DON'T THINK SO.
YEAH. YEAH, IT HELPS.
[SHANE]: I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT I WAS
FUCKING SHOWING OFF MY UNDERWEAR
FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE,
AND THAT FELT PRETTY WHORISH.
YOU SEE, HELENA?
EVERYONE IS A WHORE IN THEIR LIFE
AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
PRINCESS OF DARKNESS HAS SPOKEN.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
ONCE I GAVE A BLOW JOB TO A HORN PLAYER.
SO I COULD GET A LINE OF COCAINE.
AND, AFTERWARDS, HOW DID YOU FEEL?
HIGH.
I WAS A HIGH HO.
[SHANE]: IT'S ONE MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S NOT GOING TO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.
HEY, NEXT TIME,
YOU AND ME SHOULD GO TO THE PLANET
FOR BREAKFAST.
WHY?
WHY? BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOOD,
AND THERE'S NEW PEOPLE.
YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT
OF LONG BEACH, TASH.
EXPLORE SOME NEW PORTALS AND SHIT.
PORTALS, WHAT IS THAT? ALICE'S THING?
YOU KNOW I'M NOT INTO ALL THAT, PAPI.
YEAH, BUT, LIKE,
SEEING NEW THINGS, EXPERIENCING NEW THINGS,
THAT'S A GOOD ATTITUDE TOWARDS LIFE.
MAYBE, BUT THAT WHOLE DIPPING-IN THING
AIN'T FOR ME, MAN.
PICKING UP CHICKS OF EVERY CULTURE
JUST SO YOU COULD SAY YOU'VE HAD ONE OF EVERYTHING...
I DON'T WANNA BE SOME CHICK'S BLACK-GIRL EXPERIENCE.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT ALICE IS DOING WITH YOU, MAN.
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
THAT WAS HER THING WITH THE PROFESSOR LADY,
AND THAT'S WHY SHE WENT FOR IT WITH ME,
BUT, LIKE, THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT YOU--
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE WENT FOR IT WITH YOU?
WHEN WE FIRST MET.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WAS DEALING WITH HER.
OH, MY GOD, IT DIDN'T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING.
YEAH, BUT IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME!
WHAT, YOU THINK I WANT YOUR SLOPPY SECONDS?
IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THAT, MAN.
YOU KNOW ME.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU.
WHAT, YOU A PLAYER, RIGHT?
THAT SHIT IS SO OLD, PAPI.
GROW UP, MAN.
HERE. TAKE THIS SHIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'VE JUST GOT DIFFERENT VALUES.
DIFFERENT CODES OF CONDUCT.
IT IS WHAT IT IS, MAN.
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
[MOTOR REVVING]
I COULD SEE
HOW YOU USED TO BE A GIRL.
YOUR HIPS ARE KIND OF BIG.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR BREASTS?
DO YOU HAVE A PENIS?
MAX.
CAN I JUST SAY
THAT I THINK WHAT YOU DID FOR MEGAN
WAS TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS?
I'VE GOT A LOT OF RESPECT
FOR YOU, DUDE.
THANKS, MAN.
[WHISPERING]: MY BROTHER'S GAY TOO.
I'M COOL WITH IT.
[HELENA]: SHIT. TAILS.
TWO OUT OF THREE.
I'LL TRY IT TWO OUT OF THREE.
OKAY!
THERE REALLY HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY
OF MAKING THIS DECISION.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
GIVE ME THE COIN. NUH-UH.
GIVE ME THE COIN.
THANK YOU.
[GROWLING]
IT'S CRASHING AGAIN.
I'M GOING FUCKING NUTS, YOU GUYS.
NOW, APPARENTLY WHAT HAPPENED
IS SOME OF THE BOYS WERE TEASING THEM,
SO SHAY PUNCHED IVAN IN THE STOMACH.
YOU DID THAT?
YEAH.
WHY?
MIKE CUTLER SAID WE WERE GAY
BECAUSE...
YOU'RE GAY 'CAUSE...?
'CAUSE OUR MOMS ARE LEZZIES.
HE SAID HIS MOM
SAW YOU AND MRS. SOBEL--
HIS MOM SAW US WHAT?
JARED?
SHE SAID SHE SAW YOU AND MS. McCUTCHEON
LEZZING OUT TOGETHER.
THAT'S WHEN I PUNCHED HIM.
GOOD FOR YOU, SHAY.
MS. SOBEL, I DON'T THINK
IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO ENCOURAGE VIOLENCE.
MR. PETERSON.
WHEN PARENTS GIVE THEIR CHILDREN THE MESSAGE
THAT IT'S OKAY TO PERSECUTE OTHERS,
I, FOR ONE, DON'T DISAGREE
WITH THE WAY OUR KIDS HANDLED IT.
MY MOM IS NOT GAY.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY THAT THEY SAID THOSE THINGS.
ARE YOU GAY?
YEAH.
I AM.
BOYS, DO YOU THINK I COULD JUST ASK YOU
TO STAND OUTSIDE IN THE HALL
JUST-- JUST FOR A MINUTE?
YOU KNOW, I THINK THERE'S A WAY
TO SOLVE THIS.
WE'LL JUST GET THE BOYS
TO APOLOGIZE.
I MEAN, TOMORROW THEY'RE GOING TO BE BACK PLAYING TOGETHER,
AND THIS WILL ALL BE FORGOTTEN.
YEAH, I'M GOING TO TALK TO SHAY.
NO! NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK THAT THE OTHER BOYS SHOULD APOLOGIZE
TO SHAY AND JARED,
AND THEN TO THE WHOLE SCHOOL.
YOU HAVE TO LET THESE KIDS KNOW THAT YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE
THE USE OF THE WORD "GAY" AS AN INSULT.
I THINK THEY WERE JUST REPEATING WHAT THEY HEARD AT HOME.
WELL, THEN MAYBE IT'S WHY YOU SHOULD TEACH THEM HERE
THAT IT'S NOT OKAY.
THIS IS A PUBLIC SCHOOL,
AND WE HAVE TO ADHERE TO CERTAIN POLICY STANDARDS.
NOW, WE ALL KNOW
THAT THIS IS A VERY TOUCHY SUBJECT.
NOW, OUR JOB IS TO EDUCATE CHILDREN,
NOT TEACH THEM HOW TO--
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR JOB IS?
IT'S TO HELP FORM THEM INTO DECENT HUMAN BEINGS.
LISTEN, I'M AWARE OF THE FACT
THAT SOME OF THE PARENTS ARE GOING TO GET UPSET
'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE TEACHING THEM THINGS
THAT GO AGAINST THEIR PERSONAL BELIEFS.
FINE, WHATEVER, BUT, I'M SORRY,
YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT THIS.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
WELL, SHANE AND I WILL DO IT.
THAT'S GREAT, THANKS. THANK YOU.
I WANT "LEZ GIRLS."
I DON'T THINK I'M THE RIGHT EXECUTIVE
FOR THIS PROJECT, AARON.
I DON'T LIKE THE STORY.
OH, COME ON.
"NINA."
[PUTS LID DOWN]
"LEZ GIRLS" IS FICTION, AND I'M NOT NINA.
BULLSHIT.
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE NINA.
EVERYONE KNOWS SHIT.
WELL, WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY
TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, DOLL.
THIS IS A HOT FUCKING PROPERTY,
AND I WANT IT FOR SHAOLIN.
IT'S A SLAM DUNK.
THE WRITER'S YOUR FRIEND, RIGHT?
JENNIFER SCHECTER.
WE USED TO BE NEIGHBORS.
I DON'T EVEN SEE HER THAT MUCH ANYMORE.
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH HER AGAIN.
PLAY THE EX-LESBIAN CARD, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW THE LIFE,
YOU'LL BE TRUE TO THE STORY,
BLAH, BLAH.
THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD FOR ME, OKAY?
IT'S AN AWKWARD SITUATION.
REALLY?
MORE AWKWARD THAN BEING OUT OF A JOB?
WHA...
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
I'VE WANTED TO ASK YOU.
DID YOUR EX REALLY CHEAT ON YOU
WITH A PLUMBER?
IT WAS A CARPENTER.
AND IT WAS FICTION!
[JUICER BEGINS ROARING]
[PHYLLIS SOBBING]
I ALWAYS THOUGHT A BROKEN HEART WAS A...
[SNIFFLING]: LITERARY AFFECTATION.
PHYLLIS, I PROMISE YOU
THAT NO ONE HAS EVER DIED OF A BROKEN HEART.
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
ALICE WALKER ONCE WROTE...
"YOU CAN'T TRULY HAVE AN OPEN HEART
UNTIL IT'S BEEN BROKEN."
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE
RIGHT NOW, PHYLLIS,
BUT YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY BACK
TO LOVING SOMEONE NEW.
[PHYLLIS, SNAPPING]: HELLO?
REMEMBER ME?
I DON'T WANT ANYBODY NEW.
I WANT ALICE!
ALICE WAS YOUR FIRST. OKAY?
SHE WAS YOUR COMING-OUT AFFAIR.
IF THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO COME OUT,
I WANT TO GO BACK IN.
PHYLLIS-- DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE A CHILD.
I'M NOT A CHILD!
AND YOU NEED TO TURN IN
YOUR FIRST QUARTER REPORT.
[TOM]: EVERYONE'S A CHILD
IN THEIR COMING-OUT AFFAIR.
IT'S LIKE YOUR SECOND ADOLESCENCE.
IT'S LIKE THE FIRST TIME
THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT ALL THOSE CORNY SONGS
AND POEMS ARE ABOUT.
[TOM]: FOR THE FIRST TIME,
YOUR SENSES HAVE
COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED YOUR INTELLECT.
YOU'RE EXPERIENCING EMOTIONS
THAT YOU'VE NEVER REALLY FELT BEFORE.
AND YOU'RE FIGURING OUT THAT YOU'RE GAY
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
RIGHT.
WHICH MAKES IT THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE,
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YET TO BE GAY.
OH, SO I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BE GAY?
IT'S JUST A PROCESS.
I MEAN, WE'VE ALL HAD TO GO THROUGH IT.
NO.
WHAT I FEEL FOR ALICE IS--
EXACTLY HOW I FELT FOR MY FIRST.
WHATEVER!
THE SAME THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH.
PHOEBE KADLEC, OKAY?
YALE DRAMA.
I WAS A JUNIOR.
PHOEBE KADLEC
IS A FIRST YEAR MFA.
SHE'S DIRECTING MA RAINEY'S BLACK BOTTOM.
SHE'S FUCKING BRILLIANT.
SHE'S GORGEOUS.
WE TALK INTENSELY ABOUT ART AND THEATER
AND SEMIOTICS AND RACE,
AND FINALLY, AFTER THE LAST PERFORMANCE,
WE ALL GO OUT AND GET INCREDIBLY DRUNK,
AND PHOEBE TAKES ME
BACK TO HER GRADUATE STUDENT APARTMENT,
AND WE DON'T GET OUT OF BED
FOR THREE DAYS.
I AM READY TO DON
A FUCKING HAMMER
AND HELP BUILD EVERY SET FOR EVERY PLAY SHE EVER DIRECTS,
WHEN...
GILLIE CARR,
THE ACTRESS,
COMES BANGING ON THE DOOR.
SHE LEFT PHOEBE FOR A GUY, AND NOW SHE WANTS BACK,
AND THEN SUDDENLY, I AM LIKE
THE ANNOYING KID SISTER
THEY CANNOT GET RID OF FAST ENOUGH.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.
IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS
BEFORE I COULD EVEN BEGIN TO THINK
OF ANYTHING ELSE.
NOBODY EVER BROKE MY HEART BEFORE.
I'M GOING TO GO INTO YOUR SERVER
AND CHECK YOUR WEBLOG HISTORY
AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON, OKAY?
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
OH, THANK ME.
I WAS THE ONE THAT CALLED HIM.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, JENNY.
I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE OFFICE ANYWAY.
THEY CAN'T FIRE YOU, MAX.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
YEAH, BUT THEY CAN MAKE MY LIFE REALLY MISERABLE.
[KEYS CLACKING]
JESUS, ALICE.
WHAT? IS IT FUCKED?
I MEAN, YOU'RE TOTALLY SLAMMED WITH HITS!
YOU'VE GOTTEN, LIKE, 40,000 IN THE LAST HOUR.
YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY UPGRADE.
I SHOULD JUST SELL IT.
WAGON.COM OFFERED ME, LIKE,
10,000 BUCKS FOR IT.
REALLY?
$10,000 FOR OURCHART?
YOUR SITE'S WORTH, LIKE, 10 TIMES THAT AMOUNT.
WHAT, YOU MEAN, LIKE, $100,000?
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WAGON.COM
STANDS TO MAKE FROM A SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE
LIKE THIS?NO. NO.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
YOU SELL THE ADS YOURSELF. UH-HUH.
AND THEN YOU PARTNER WITH A TECH COMPANY
FOR THEIR SOFTWARE.
OKAY.
YOU GO TOTALLY STATE-OF-THE-ART,
AND YOU COULD HAVE, LIKE, STREAMING VIDEO,
MUSIC, BLOGS, INSTANT MESSAGING...
GREAT, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, SO...
SURE YOU DO.
I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THE HARDEST PART.
YOU JUST HAVEN'T BEEN MAKING ANY MONEY AT IT.
I COULD HELP YOU WITH THAT.
REALLY? YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?
IT'S WHAT I DO.
OH.
I DON'T KNOW.
MYSPACE SOLD FOR, LIKE, A MILLION DOLLARS.
NAH, IT SOLD FOR, LIKE, A BILLION.
[GASPING]: REALLY? HOW COOL IS THAT?
OH, MY GOD, KIT.
MAX IS GOING TO HELP ME BECOME AN INTERNET MOGUL.
I GOT A COUPLE OF BILL GATES-ES-ES-ES.
DON'T FORGET IT STARTED RIGHT HERE AT THE PLANET,
AND DO NOT FORGET MY BLACK ASS WHEN Y'ALL GET RICH.
OH, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME MONEY.
YEAH.
AND THERE COMES THE PRETTY LADY
THAT STARTED ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
WELL, WHAT'S UP, GIRLIES?
WELL, ALICE IS ABOUT TO BECOME A KAZILLIONAIRE
BECAUSE OF ALL THE PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN
YOU'VE HAD SEXUAL DALLIANCES WITH, PAPI.
MAN, I GOT ENOUGH FLAK FOR THAT SHIT TODAY.
[SIGHING]
[TOM]: ALL THE HOT GUYS I FUCKED IN HIGH SCHOOL
COULD NOT COMPARE.
FIRST OF ALL, SHE WAS A GIRL,
BUT LUCY WAS ALSO MY FIRST DEAF LOVER,
AND THE SEX WAS EARTH-SHATTERING.
SO YOU THINK THE SEX IS BETTER, THEN,
WITH A DEAF, UH, LOVER?
NO, NO, NO, NOT BETTER, DIFFERENT.
WE'RE ATTUNED TO EACH OTHER
IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
SO YOU MEAN
THAT YOU CAN'T GO AS DEEP, THOUGH?
[TOM]: HMM.
LET ME CAST MY MIND BACK FOR JUST A MOMENT
TO THIS MORNING...
I CAN'T IMAGINE GOING ANY DEEPER THAN THAT.
CAN YOU?
[CHUCKLING]
BACK TO ME.
I'M SORRY.
SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH LUCY?
[TOM]: WE FELL COMPLETELY IN LOVE.
ALL THROUGH FRESHMAN YEAR,
I WOULD SCULPT, SHE WOULD PAINT.
WE TALKED ABOUT
SPENDING THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
I NEVER IMAGINED THAT IT WOULD END.
IN MY SOPHOMORE YEAR, I MET KATHA.
BRILLIANT.
A DANCER.
I MEAN, WE HAD AN INSTANT,
UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE
ATTRACTION TO EACH ANOTHER.
AS MUCH AS I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT LUCY...
YOU DUMPED LUCY FOR KATHA?
[TOM]: NOT RIGHT AWAY.
BUT THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED
THAT I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO BE MONOGAMOUS.
WHAT?
YOU DATED BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME?
WELL, FOR A WHILE.
LUCY SAID SHE WANTED TO TRY.
SHE SAID THAT SHE'D RATHER
SHARE ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE
THAN NOT HAVE ME AT ALL,
BUT IN THE END, IT MADE HER TOO UNHAPPY.
HEY, TINA! HI.
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.
I KNOW, GIRL. THE GIRLS ARE OVER THERE.
I DON'T THINK THEY'D MIND IF YOU GO AND JOIN THEM.
UM, ACTUALLY, I'M HERE TO MEET JENNY.
SHE'S EXPECTING ME.
OKAY, LOOK, TINA, COME BY ANY TIME, OKAY?
KIT?
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW SORRY I AM
ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WITH ANGUS.
OH, GIRL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, COME ON, SOME PEOPLE DO SOME REALLY STUPID THINGS.
I MEAN, THEY JUST MAKE BAD CALLS.
BUT YOU'RE OKAY?
OH, YEAH.
I-- I'M EVEN GIVING HIM SOME SPACE
SO HE CAN DEAL WITH IT.
SOMETIMES WE NEED TO BACK OFF
SO THAT WE'RE NOT IN EACH OTHER'S BUSINESS SO MUCH,
YOU KNOW?
WOW, THAT'S...
THAT'S REALLY VERY EVOLVED OF YOU.
WELL.
I'M JUST--
I'M GLAD THAT BETTE CONFRONTED HIM,
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I WOULD'VE FIRED HAZEL
IF HE HADN'T ENDED IT.
YOU WOULD HAVE FIRED HAZEL?
YEAH, BUT... SHE'S YOUNG,
SHE JUST MOVED TO L.A., SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYONE.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.
BUT, WOW...
THAT'S JUST...
AMAZING HOW COOL YOU ARE.
YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW ME.
"COOL KIT."
WELL, SEE YOU.
YEAH.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[DIALING PHONE]
[ANGUS]: HEY! YOU'VE REACHED
ANGUS PARTRIDGE. LEAVE ME A PEAR TREE.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
OKAY.
[DIALING PHONE]
[BETTE]: HI. IT'S BETTE.
LEAVE ME A MESSAGE.
BETTE...
IT'S ME.
PLEASE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, OKAY?
HEY, WHY DO YOU GIVE THAT GIRL TINA
SUCH A HARD TIME?
OH. WOW.
SHE WENT STRAIGHT,
AND IT FEELS LIKE A BETRAYAL.
WE FIGHT OUR WHOLE LIVES
NOT TO GET JUDGED BY WHO WE SLEEP WITH,
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING TO TINA.
WOW.
FUCK.
SORRY, I HAD A MISUNDERSTANDING
WITH MY GIRL TASHA THIS MORNING.
YOU DID? ABOUT WHAT?
WELL, THE WHOLE DOUBLE-DIPPING THING
ISN'T EXACTLY FLYING WITH HER.
DOUBLE-DIPPING?
YEAH, YOU DIPPING INTO ME, AND THEN DIPPING IN HER.
WAIT, FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE NOT DIPPED INTO HER, OKAY?
SHE'S VERY OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN.
SHE REALLY WANTS TO TAKE THINGS SLOW.
THAT'S HOW TASHA IS.
SHE'S PRETTY TRADITIONAL, YOU KNOW?
WELL, SHE'S IN THE FUCKIN' ARMY,
SO, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD MAYBE, JUST,
LIKE, FORGET ABOUT HER.
WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT US GETTING TOGETHER.
WELL, TASHA IS MY BEST FRIEND,
AND SHE IS NOT SOME LITTLE PORTAL
OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR.
NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
I REALLY LIKE HER. I REALLY DO.
REMEMBER HOW, THE OTHER DAY,
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE
GOING TO AN ARMY BASE EVERY DAY?
THAT IS TASHA'S WHOLE LIFE.
YOU NEED TO FORGET HER
IF YOU CAN'T GET WITH WHO SHE IS.
I LOVE "LEZ GIRLS."
NINA WAS HILARIOUS.
I... I LAUGHED OUT LOUD.
THE STUFF ABOUT THE PLUMBER DIDN'T BOTHER YOU?
[SCOFFING]
YOU AND ME, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A GREAT TEAM.
SHAOLIN IS COMMITTED TO THE INTEGRITY OF THIS PROJECT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY KNOW
IF I WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF MY BOOK.
WHAT KIND OF MOVIES DO YOU LOVE?
WHAT ADAPTATIONS REALLY WORKED FOR YOU?
THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING.
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD FILM.
OH, WOW, IF JEAN-CLAUDE CARRIERE
WERE TO ADAPT THE SCREENPLAY,
I THINK IT WOULD JUST BE... I THINK IT WOULD BE CHIC.
WELL, JENNY, WOULDN'T YOU PREFER A LESBIAN WRITER?
TINA, HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK?
YES.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A BOOK ABOUT LESBIANS.
IT'S A BOOK ABOUT PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS.
OF COURSE.
AND WE DON'T WANT TO LIMIT OURSELF.
IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO FIND A FEMALE DIRECTOR
IN HOLLYWOOD-- OH, NO.
LET ALONE A LESBIAN DIRECTOR.
NO, I WANT IT TO BE A WOMAN DIRECTOR.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, LIKE, IT'S ABOUT WOMEN,
SO YOU HAVE TO HAVE A WOMAN ON SET,
AND, I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN ANYMORE,
AND IN THE FILM BUSINESS,
THEY DON'T LIKE THE AUTHOR ON SET
BECAUSE THEY BECOME TOO "PRECIOUS"
ABOUT THEIR MATERIAL, SO--
JENNY, MOVIES REACH A HUGE AUDIENCE.
IT COULD MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
A TEENAGE GIRL IN THE MIDWEST
WHO'S AFRAID TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET...
SHE COULD SEE YOUR MOVIE.
IT COULD CHANGE HER LIFE.
IT COULD REALLY AFFECT PEOPLE.
THAT WOULD BE REALLY NICE, WOULDN'T IT?
GOD.
MAYBE IT COULD BE A REALLY GOOD MOVIE.
OKAY. LET'S DO IT.
FUCK IT.
I SHOULD JUST DO IT. YOU KNOW?
OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.
GREAT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
YOU NEED AN AGENT.
YOU NEED A BIG HOLLYWOOD AGENT.
YOU NEED AN AGENT TO BROKER THE DEAL.
BECCA VOYNOVICH AT WILLIAM MORRIS.
SHE'S SMART, SHE'S LITERATE.
YOU THINK SHE'D TAKE ME ON AS A CLIENT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL CALL HER RIGHT NOW.
YEAH. CALL HER NOW.
ALL GOOD?
OKAY. I DON'T KNOW.
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL.
WELL, IT'S KIND OF AN OLDER PICTURE,
BUT IT'S ME.
CAN I SPEAK TO CAPTAIN WILLIAMS?
CAPTAIN WILLIAMS, ALICE PIZZECKI'S HERE.
OH, IT'S PIESZECKI.
LIKE, PI-AH-ZECKI.
SHE SAID YOU'RE EXPECTING HER.
WELL, SHE'S NOT EXACTLY EXPECTING ME.
IT'S MORE OF A...
YOU KNOW...
SURPRISE? YES, MA'AM.
GO THROUGH THE GATE, STRAIGHT DOWN THIS ROAD.
MAKE A LEFT AT THE FLAGPOLE.
CAPTAIN WILLIAMS' OFFICE IS IN THE BUILDING
MARKED 542nd MILITARY POLICE.
PARK NEXT TO HER MOTORCYCLE.
SIR, YES, SIR.
IT'S "SERGEANT."
SERGEANT.
OKAY.
THAT'S A COOL BELT.
[KNOCKING]
[BUBBLY]: HI!
THIS IS SO NEAT!
THERE WAS, LIKE, A GUY WITH A--
LOWER YOUR VOICE.
OKAY.
I JUST-- I WOULD'VE CALLED.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. I JUST--
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TELL ME NOT TO COME--
CLOSE THE DOOR.
OKAY.
I'M NOT GOING TO ASK ANYBODY
OR TELL ANYBODY ANYTHING.
I'M SERIOUS.
OKAY. SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?
UM, I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT--
PUT DOWN THE GRENADE.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU, UH,
THAT I REALLY LIKE YOU.
SO YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY FROM L.A. TO LOS ALAMITOS,
TALKED YOUR WAY ONTO A MILITARY BASE
TO TELL ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME.
YEAH, I...
I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT A PORTAL TO ME.
OH, MY... PORTAL? WHAT THE FUCK?
DID PAPI TALK TO YOU?
IT DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT PORTALS ALL THE TIME ON MY RADIO SHOW.
EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT.
I JUST, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT IT
TO COME BACK AND BITE ME IN THE ASS WITH YOU, SO...
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK
THAT YOU ARE MY FORAY
INTO THE LAND OF HOT ARMY CHICKS.
YEAH, HOT BLACK ARMY CHICKS.
ARE YOU BLACK?
[LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU'RE HERE.
YOU UP FOR A MISSION?
PRIVATE PIESZECKI REPORTING FOR DUTY, MA'AM.
[SNICKERING]
COME WITH ME.
AND YOU DON'T SALUTE INDOORS.
OH.
SO DO THEY MAKE YOU WEAR THAT EVERY DAY?
WHO MAKES YOU WEAR THAT EVERY DAY?
[PLAYFUL GASP]
AT EASE.
WOW, IT'S REALLY... IT'S LIKE G.I. JANE.
DO YOU LADIES FLY THIS?
ALICE, THESE ARE OUR PILOTS,
CHIEF BERMAN, CHIEF THOMAS,
CHIEF FULLER,
AND OUR CREW CHIEF, SOCHYNSKY.
YOU'LL NEED THIS.
WHAT FOR?
YOU'LL NEED THOSE
IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN THAT.
UP?
REALLY?
[LAUGHS]
YEAH.
OKAY.
* SEX AND FASHION AND MONEY
* NOBODY KNOWS...
NO.
IT'S TOO WILLFULLY DEFIANT.
* SEX AND FASHION AND MONEY
IT'S TOO PUBLIC SCHOOL GIRL.
NO, TOO MANY BUTTONS.
TOO SOUND OF MUSIC.
I'VE LOST WEIGHT!
* ONLY SEX, SEX, SEX!
YEAH.
IT SAYS, "I'M HERE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT,
BUT I STILL HAVE MY SELF-RESPECT."
* ALL RIGHT
FANTASTIC.
[ALICE]: AREN'T YOU GOING TO
GET COURT-MARTIALED FOR THIS?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE'RE ALL FAMILY UP HERE.
O...KAY.
TRICKY SOLDIERS.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
YEAH, THIS IS THE "ASK AND TELL" HELICOPTER.
WHOO-HOO!
DON'T TRY THIS ANYPLACE ELSE ON THE BASE.
YEAH, I SEE IT NOW.
[ALL LAUGHING]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE IT UP.
OH, MY GOD!
[ALICE SQUEALING]
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
HELLO?
LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN, HELENA.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
I DIDN'T REALLY THINK I HAD AN ALTERNATIVE.
SO I GUESS YOU'D LIKE TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS?
YOU WANT TO PLAY CARDS WITH ME?
I THOUGHT I ALREADY LOST.
I'M GIVING YOU ANOTHER CHANCE.
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY GIN RUMMY.
GIN RUMMY?
STRIP GIN RUMMY.
IF YOU WIN,
I'LL CONSIDER YOUR DEBT PAID IN FULL,
BUT IF YOU LOSE, YOU PAY UP.
I THINK THAT WAS ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITE DAYS EVER.
YEAH. ME TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
ACTUALLY, I'M GLAD
THAT PAPI RAN HER BIG-ASS MOUTH THIS MORNING.
HOW CLOSE DO YOU LIVE TO HERE?
PRETTY NEAR.
YEAH? DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD GO TO YOUR PLACE?
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
I SHOULD?
YEAH.
LOOK, YOU KNOW I WANT TO, RIGHT?
OH, IT SURE FEELS LIKE YOU DO, BUT...
LOOK, I KNOW THIS MIGHT NOT
MAKE A LOT OF SENSE THE WAY YOU ROLL,
BUT I'M JUST COMING FROM A PLACE
WHERE I REALLY NEED TO BE SURE.
OKAY, WELL,
HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE SURE?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST NOT THERE YET.
DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD
GO ON A DATE?
[LAUGHING]
A DATE?
YEAH, THAT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GO ON A DATE.
I STILL THINK
THESE ARE YOUR OWN MADE-UP RULES, CATHERINE.
NO, THIS IS THE MONTE CARLO WAY.
WHEN SOMEONE WINS, THE OTHER TAKES SOMETHING OFF,
AND THE WINNER GETS TO PUT SOMETHING BACK ON.
THAT WAY, THE GAME LASTS LONGER.
I'VE BEEN TO MONTE CARLO, CATHERINE.
I DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE GAME OF GIN RUMMY.
OKAY, SO THEY ARE MY RULES.
WOULD YOU RATHER FUCK ME NOW?
NO.
GOOD.
I'M KNOCKING.
[PUTS CARDS ON TABLE]
SHIT.
THAT'S, UH,
23 FOR ME...
AND MINUS 27 FOR YOU,
AND AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
IT'S YOUR DEAL.
[CHUCKLES]
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY LOVING THIS,
AREN'T YOU?
I DO ENJOY WINNING, YES.
YOU HAVEN'T WON YET.
NOT YET.
GIN.
GLOATING BECOMES YOU.
YOU'RE STALLING.
I WAS MERELY SAVORING THE MOMENT.
AND SIX,
AND THAT MAKES...
503.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S A PLEASURE
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU, CATHERINE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE A FREE WOMAN.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?
[PANTIES HIT FLOOR]
* MY FAIREST QUEEN
SIT DOWN.
* OH, MY DEAREST DREAM
[MAN]: SO NOW WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT TOLERANCE.
WHO HERE CAN TELL ME
WHAT TOLERANCE MEANS?
SARAH.
WHEN YOU'RE NICE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU.
GOOD, SARAH.
SO WHEN SOMEBODY'S DIFFERENT FROM YOU
BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE, OR THEIR CULTURE,
OR THEIR RELIGION OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION,
YOU TREAT THAT PERSON WITH RESPECT.
EXCUSE ME.
HOW DETAILED
ARE WE PLANNING ON GETTING HERE?
I MEAN, THESE CHILDREN
ARE ONLY NINE.
THIS WOMAN IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.
JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT SHE SAYS.
WHAT IS YOUR CONCERN,
MRS. GREIF?
I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE
THAT WE DISCUSS THE DETAILS
OF MS. McCUTCHEON
AND MS. SOBEL'S RELATIONSHIP HERE.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY
THE ONLY ONE TALKING DETAILS.
LOOK, WE ALL RESPECT YOUR RIGHT
TO BE WHO YOU ARE IN PRIVATE.
WE JUST DON'T THINK OUR CHILDREN
NEED TO LEARN ABOUT THE GAY LIFESTYLE YET.
SCREW YOU. MY MOM'S NOT GAY.
[KIDS LAUGHING]
JARED, THAT'S ENOUGH.
PLEASE, EVERYBODY, LET'S JUST CALM DOWN.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SHAY?
MY SISTER...
IS GAY.
[TOM]: HEY.
HEY.
I MISSED YOU LAST NIGHT.
I BET YOU DIDN'T MISS ME.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
DO YOU NEED ME?
I'M GONNA...
GO HAVE A WALK AROUND CAMPUS, I GUESS.
[DEEP SIGHING]
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
I KNOW YOU HAVE.
YEAH, I DON'T THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK FOR ME.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
YES, YOU CAN.
LOOK.
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M DATING A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER WOMEN,
BETTE.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING
THAT I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF--
THAT... IF I GET TIED DOWN,
I GO CRAZY.
SO YOU ARE DATING OTHER WOMEN?
NO, I WAS BEFORE I MET YOU.
YEAH.
BUT THERE REALLY IS NO ONE ELSE
I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW.
BUT THAT COULD CHANGE TOMORROW.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?
YOU'VE JUST GOTTEN OUT OF AN EIGHT-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT I'M READY FOR.
OKAY.
I WON'T.
[SIGHING]
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
COME HERE.
I... I DON'T KNOW.
WERE YOU BORN GAY?
UM, I THINK I WAS,
BUT IT'S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE.
[PAIGE]: YEAH.
NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS RIGHT AWAY,
AND SOME PEOPLE
JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH A PERSON,
AND THAT PERSON
COULD BE A MAN OR A WOMAN.
YEAH, BUT HOW DO GIRLS DO IT?
[LAUGHTER]
UM...
HAILIE'S UNCLE JEFF IS GAY.
SO'S MY UNCLE PHIL.
THAT'S MY BROTHER'S BOYFRIEND.
NOW, THEY'RE BOTH GREAT GUYS AND HAILIE REALLY LOVES THEM,
BUT THEY INVITED HER TO COME
AND STAY WITH THEM FOR THE WEEKEND,
AND I'M JUST NOT SURE I'M COMFORTABLE
WITH HER SLEEPING IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH THEM.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST REALIZED WHO YOU ARE.
YOU'RE IN THAT NEARLY NAKED,
GENDER-BENDING UNDERWEAR AD,
THAT HUGE BILLBOARD
UP ON SUNSET THAT I HAVE TO DRIVE BY
WITH MY CHILDREN EVERY DAY.
I DON'T REALLY THINK
MS. McCUTCHEON OWES US AN EXPLANATION--
NO, IT'S FINE.
AND I REALLY DON'T THINK--
GUESS WHAT? I CAN GIVE AN EXPLANATION.
FIRST OFF,
I'M GOING TO ASSUME
EVERYONE WEARS UNDERPANTS.
AND SECONDLY...
[CLEARING THROAT]
I DID THAT AD
BECAUSE SHAY BROKE HIS ARM.
YOU SEE, I'M ACTUALLY A HAIRDRESSER,
AND I CO-OWN A SKATEBOARD SHOP,
SO I DON'T MAKE A LOT OF MONEY,
AND I DIDN'T HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE
AT THE TIME,
BECAUSE BEFORE SHAY CAME TO LIVE WITH ME,
I NEVER TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.
YOU SEE, WHEN, UH... WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
MY PARENTS LEFT ME,
AND THE THOUGHT
OF HAVING TO CARE FOR SOMEONE,
WELL...
IT WAS SCARY,
BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT LOVING SHAY AND CARING FOR HIM
HAS BEEN THE MOST AMAZING AND IMPORTANT THING
I'VE EVER DONE.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT
FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,
AND I DON'T THINK BEING GAY HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT.
SO, UH...
[CLAPS HANDS]
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
WHAT WAS IT REALLY?
IT WAS PENELOPE CRUZ.
NO, IT WAS MELANIE GRIFFITH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
TO LEZ GIRLS!
YES!
AND THE BIDDING WAR OF THE YEAR.
SALUT.
IS IT REALLY THE BIDDING WAR OF THE YEAR?
FINE LINE, FOCUS, SEARCHLIGHT, AND WARNER,
ALL COMING TO THE TABLE.
I'M FEELING...
SEVEN FIGURES. THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY
IS DROOLING OVER YOUR BOOK, BABE.
I MEAN, JUST DROOLING.
KATIE HOLMES CALLED. HER PEOPLE CALLED ME.
SHE'S INTERESTED IN PLAYING JESSIE.
UH... I DON'T KNOW.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT JESSIE
WOULD BE KIND OF LIKE A--LIKE A MODEL,
REALLY BLONDE AND TALL.
[JOE]: WHAT ABOUT SCARLETT JOHANSSON?
SHE'D BE AN AWESOME JESSIE.
HI.
JENNY.
[SOTTO]: FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
WHAT WAS THE THING--
GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL TOGETHER.
YOU GUYS, YOU SHOULD... UH...
SHAOLIN NEEDS TO BE ADDED TO THE BIDDING WAR.
THE BIDDING WAR? YEAH.
THIS, UH--
THIS EXCITING THING HAS HAPPENED.
UM, ALL THESE COMPANIES
ARE BIDDING ON MY BOOK,
BUT, YOU GUYS, TINA SHOULD GET IT.
ABSOLUTELY.
THAT'S GREAT.
[KEYS CLACKING]
[BETTE SIGHING]
I CANNOT BELIEVE
SHAY GOT TO SLEEP SO EARLY.
WELL, THEY HAD A BIG DAY.
AND I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT YOU INVITED THE ENTIRE CLASS
FOR A FIELD TRIP TO WAX.
I DID NOT INVITE THAT ENTIRE CLASS!
THAT WOMAN PUSHED ME INTO IT.
IT'S NOT MY KIND OF IDEA.
NO WAY.
JARED'S WELCOME TO STAY HERE TONIGHT
IF YOU...THINK HE'S TOO TIRED.
OH, THANKS.
THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A COUPLE OF BEERS.
YEAH.
PLEASE.
[BOTTLES CLINK]
YEAH, UM, TODAY WAS...
TODAY WAS INTENSE.
WELL, UM,
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
SINCE WE ALREADY DID THE TIME...
WE MIGHT AS WELL DO THE CRIME.
[LAUGHING]
[SITS BOTTLE DOWN]
YEAH.
* DON'T PUT ME OUT TO PASTURE PONY *
* MAMA WANTS TO RIDE
* HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE SUGAR SUGAR *
* FOR MY HUNGRY HIDE
[LAUGHING]
* POKE ME IN MY PEN, NOW PIGGIE *
[TOILET FLUSHES]
WHAT?
ANOTHER TIME.
OKAY.
* BARNYARD BRAWL, Y'ALL