PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...
BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT.
I'M PAIGE SOBEL.
I'M HERE FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER, SHAY.
SO YOU'RE MY COMPETITION, VANILLA?
I WILL STILL KICK YOUR MICRO ASS.
SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE,
WE'LL BE BILLING YOU FOR THE CHARGES DIRECTLY.
WHERE WILL I COME UP WITH THAT MONEY?
I'M DESPERATE TO FIND A CATERER.
FOR NEXT WEEK'S FUNDRAISER.
HELENA IS A CATERER. I AM?
ARE YOU FREE FRIDAY, HELENA?
YEAH.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU FUCKED MY BOSS.
I WON'T LET THIS GET OUT OF HAND.
MAY I INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR ESTEEMED ARTIST-IN-RESIDENCE,
JODI LERNER.
THIS IS HER ASSISTANT, TOM MATER.
IF YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING, TALK TO ME, NOT TOM.
I ONLY CHOOSE BOOKS TO REVIEW
THAT HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.
WHY DOES "SOME OF HER PARTS" HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU?
MY PARTNER'S A SURVIVOR.
"SELF-INDULGENT AND SELF-PITYING?
FUCK YOU, STACEY MERKIN!
IS THIS SOUNDER? I'LL TAKE HER.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD HER, DEBBIE?
ABOUT 11 YEARS,
MY LONGEST RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND, STACEY. SHE'S A JOURNALIST.
I'D LOVE TO GET LESSONS FROM YOU.
I'M PROBABLY PRETTY RUSTY.
I'M NOT.
I'VE BEEN LIVING AS A MAN.
SOON, I'M PHYSICALLY GOING TO BE ONE.
I DON'T DATE FREAKS.
YOU FUCKING FREAK!
[**]
* GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES *
* CHICKS DRIVING FAST INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES *
* WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE, LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE *
* THIS IS THE WAY IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* TALKING, LAUGHING LOVING, BREATHING *
* FIGHTING, FUCKING CRYING, DRINKING *
* WRITING, WINNING LOSING, CHEATING *
* KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING
* THIS IS THE WAY...
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE
* AND LOVE
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HELLO, ANGUS.
HI.
HI, SWEETHEART.
SHE IS IN A REALLY CRAPPY MOOD.
YES. COME HERE, GORGEOUS.
YOU WANT TO SEE MIKEY?
LET'S GO PLAY WITH MIKEY.
YES, COME.
[MIKEY]: HEY, ANGELICA, DO YOU WANT TO COME PLAY?
GO GET HIM, TIGER.
THERE YOU GO.
IS TINA NOT HERE?
TINA AND HENRY DECIDED LAST MINUTE
ON GOING TO THE THEATER.
WE'VE GOT SOME PIZZA IN HERE.
YOU WANT TO JOIN US?
OH, NO, I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.
I HAD A REALLY SUCKY DAY.
WHAT WAS SUCKY OF IT?
UH, IT'S JUST CRAP.
IT'S JUST...
FIGHTING WITH MY FORMER BEST FRIENDS
ABOUT WHO OWNS THE PUBLISHING TO SONGS I TOTALLY WROTE,
BUT GENEROUSLY GAVE THEM CREDIT ON.
THAT KIND OF SUCK.
I'M SORRY THAT WAS MAKING YOU CRABBY.
I, UM...
WAS HOPING YOU TO GIVE ME LESSON PLAYING GUITAR,
BUT...
YEAH, YOU COME BY THE STUDIO SOME TIME,
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS
ON YOUR TECHNIQUE.
MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.
THEN WHEN WE'RE FINISHED,
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO CLEAN UP.
HELLO, TOM.
DEAN.
HEY, DEAN PORTER.
I'M GLAD TO SEE TOM
IS GETTING TO KNOW SOME OF THE STUDENTS.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING WITH NADIA?
EXCUSE ME?
SHE SAID, "ARE YOU STILL FUCKING NADIA?"
THANK YOU, I GOT THE GIST OF IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
[TOM INTERPRETS]: JUST A FRIENDLY QUESTION.
OUT OF CURIOSITY,
MAYBE A LITTLE CONCERN.
I MEAN, NADIA'S NOT A POKER FACE, YOU KNOW.
WELL, DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.
WELL, I SEE A LOT MORE THAN I HEAR.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T...
I FELL INTO THAT ONE.
WELL, I MADE A FEW MISTAKES WHEN I TAUGHT AT COLUMBIA,
BUT, YOU KNOW, FOLLOWING THE RULES
IS NOT ALWAYS MY THING.
UM...
EXCUSE ME?
BRITTANY, GIRL, WAS BIG, BIG MISTAKE.
BRITTANY?
I SEE.
[TOM INTERPRETS]: SHE WAS A COLUMBIA GRADUATE STUDENT,
AND I MADE A MISTAKE WITH HER.
MM-HMM.
[TOM INTERPRETS]: SHE TURNED HER SENIOR THESIS
INTO A LIFE-SIZE SCULPTURE
OF ME, NAKED.
IT WAS PRETTY GOOD...
BUT SHE SHOULD HAVE MADE MY BREASTS BIGGER.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR
THERE WEREN'T ANY MORE SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS,
AND I WILL TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL THAN YOU.
[TOM INTERPRETS]: NO, DON'T BE TOO CAREFUL.
THAT'S DREARY.
THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
YEAH, THE E.V.C.'S MONEY MOOCH.
YOU KNOW, THE FUNDRAISER
AT THE CHANCELLOR'S RESIDENCE?
RIGHT.
[SNIFFLING]
OH, SOUNDER...
DEBBIE, I DID
EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HER,
BUT SHE'S NOT EATING,
SHE HAS KIDNEY FAILURE,
AND SHE'S IN A LOT OF PAIN.
THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
ARE YOU SURE HE HAS TO DIE?
IT'S HER TIME TO GO, DEBBIE.
OKAY...
OKAY?
OKAY.
THAT'S A GIRL.
THAT'S A GIRL...
[DOG BREATHES HEAVILY]
[SIGHS]
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU GAVE HER A WONDERFUL LIFE,
DEBBIE.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID.
NO, I DIDN'T.
HEY, LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU, UH...
WOULD YOU LET ME TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
WE'LL... WE'LL CELEBRATE SOUNDER.
WE'LL HAVE A DRINK IN HER HONOR, HUH?
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
OKAY.
EAT...
ALL...
DEAD...
GOPHERS...
BEFORE...
EASTER.
THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT.
THAT'S FUNNY.
AND GROSS.
YEAH.
OKAY, SO YOU GOT THE A,
AND THE E, AND THE D CHORD DOWN,
SO NOW, YOU JUST GOT TO WORK ON YOUR STRUM.
THAT'S THE ONE THING I CANNOT SEEM TO MASTER.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S, UH...
YOU JUST WANT TO KEEP YOUR WRIST
SORT OF LOOSE
AND, UH, RELAXED, AND, UM...
YOU JUST, YOU WANT TO KEEP
THIS UP AND DOWN MOVEMENT GOING
NO MATTER WHAT.
I DON'T USUALLY HAVE A PROBLEM
KEEPING MY UP AND DOWN MOVEMENT.
UH, SO, UH...
YEAH, YOU KEEP THE, UH, WRIST LOOSE,
AND UP AND DOWN,
AND THEN YOU JUST STRIKE THE STRINGS
WITH THE RHYTHM YOU WANT.
DOWN, DOWN, UP. DOWN, DOWN, UP.
DOWN, DOWN, UP...
[**]
IT'S GOOD, KIT.
YEAH?
MM-HMM.
REALLY? MM-HMM.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I HAVEN'T PLAYED IT FOR ANGUS YET.
HE'S BEEN SO DOWN ON HIMSELF LATELY.
WELL, IT'S GOOD.
IT COULD CHEER HIM UP.
[SIGHS]
I'M HOPING.
CAN I LISTEN?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S A LITTLE TOO NASTY FOR YOU, NOW, UH-UH.
NO, NO.
STOP THIS, TOO.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
WHAT'S UP, BEAUTIFUL?
AH, HOL PAPI.
YO, VANILLA.
YO, POPS.
WE NEVER FINISHED OUR GAME.
UH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I'M NOT MUCH OF A BASKETBALL PLAYER.
WELL, NO SHIT,
BUT WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING,
BECAUSE THIS LITTLE PROBLEMA IS UNRESOLVED.
[LAUGHS]
LOOK, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, REALLY?
ALL RIGHT, SO THEN LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN
FOR YOU, OKAY?
NOW THAT YOU'RE IN MY SOLAR SYSTEM,
I CAN'T HAVE YOU DIMMING MY STARS AND SHIT.
YOU MUST BE KIDDING.
YEAH, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S ALICE'S THING.
IT'S NOT ME.
FUCK, MAN, I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.
LIKE THE FOXY LADY SAID,
I'M JUST KIDDING.
ALL RIGHT.
WE GOOD, THEN?
SURE.
COME ON, WE GOOD?
YEAH.
UGH!
I COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT GUY.
I THOUGHT HE'D NEVER STOP HITTING ON US!
THAT'S TYPICAL OF A GUY.
SEES TWO WOMEN TOGETHER, THINKS HE'S SO NEEDED.
I JUST WANT TO CHECK ON--
HE WOULD BE SO TOTALLY WRONG,
BECAUSE WE HAVE EVERYTHING
ANYONE COULD EVER WANT JUST BEING TOGETHER.
I JUST WANT TO CHECK ON HELENA
REALLY QUICK BECAUSE--
NO!
NO, SHE'S BEEN COOKING ALL DAY, AND I JUST, YOU KNOW--
HEY!
NO, NO...
HEY!
WOW, IT SMELLS REALLY GOOD IN HERE.
WELL, THERE'S FIVE KINDS OF CROSTINI,
THREE PER PERSON,
ALL READY FOR ASSEMBLY.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
OH, IT'S-- IT'S VERY GOOD.
I'M SURE IT'LL BE WONDERFUL.
WE HAVE QUICHE WITH LEEK, BACON
AND PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM.
WE HAVE BELGIAN ENDIVE WITH STILTON,
TOASTED WALNUTS,
AND PORT JELLY.
WE HAVE CHICKEN SATAY
WITH TAMARIND SAUCE...
AND IT'S ALL GOING TO BE READY
FOR YOUR PARTY TOMORROW EVENING,
DESPITE THE FACT
THAT MY ASSISTANT HAS BEEN INCAPACITATED
BY A BAD OYSTER.
DO YOU NEED, UM... DO YOU NEED HELP?
NO, NO, IT'S ALL GOOD.
I'VE GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.
REALLY?
BECAUSE I'M A GOOD CHOPPER. I COULD CHOP--
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE CAN HANDLE IT.
COME ON, HONEY. REALLY?
COME ON.
HAVE FUN, GIRLS.
[GIGGLING]
WOW.
WOW...
WHOO! COOL YOUR JETS, THERE, PHYLLIS.
[GIGGLING]
DON'T YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER OR SOMETHING?
WHY? DO I NEED ONE?
NO.
OOH, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
WHAT?
[GIGGLING]
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
YOU SLY LITTLE DOG.
HOW'D YOU GET THAT IN HERE?
OOH, WHAT IS IT?
[GIGGLING]
WELL, IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A DIAMOND NECKLACE.
THAT'S VERY DISAPPOINTING.
IS IT A MOTORCYCLE?
OH!
WOW, THE WHOLE LESBIAN SEX BOOK, HUH?
IS IT A FAUX PAS?
NO...
NO.
I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,
WE'RE HAVING SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME,
AND JUST TO TRY TO KEEP EVERYTHING
JUST FRESH AND EXCITING,
MAYBE WE COULD EXPERIMENT?
RIGHT.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
LIKE, UH...
LET'S SEE.
OH.
ANALINGUS.
YEAH?
SURE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY.
YES.
YES! LET'S EXPERIMENT.
COME ON, PHYLLIS, TOTALLY.
I WANT TO DO EVERY SINGLE THING
DESCRIBED IN THAT BOOK.
OKAY.
EVERY SINGLE THING.
EVERYTHING.
EVERY SINGLE THING.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR ME OUT, WOMAN.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M GOING TO NEED, LIKE A LITTLE PINCH-HITTER.
RIGHT?
NO, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I NEED.
REALLY?
I MEAN, YOU DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THERE'S, LIKE, A LOT
OF REALLY FABULOUS WOMEN OUT THERE, PHYLLIS.
WHY DO I NEED ANOTHER FABULOUS WOMAN?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE A NEW STAR.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERY SICK OF STAYING
IN THIS TINY LITTLE ORBIT.
OH, YOU AND YOUR CHARTS AND YOUR SOLAR SYSTEMS.
ALICE, YOU AND I ARE BINARY STARS.
RIGHT.
ORBITING A CENTRAL SYSTEM OF MASS,
BOUND BY GRAVITY.
OKAY.
YOU'RE...
[SQUEALS]
[GIGGLING]
YOU ARE WILD, PHYLLIS!
[PLAYFUL SLAP]
[GIGGLING HYSTERICALLY]
OH, DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN. OH!
THE THING THAT I WAS CLOSEST IN THE WORLD TO
WHEN I WAS A CHILD,
WAS THIS LITTLE CREATURE NAMED BOOTSIE,
WHO WAS THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY SOUL
THAT I KNEW WHEN I WAS A CHILD.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, DEBBIE.
THAT'S WHY I BECAME A VET.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T TRUST PEOPLE?
WELL, I DIDN'T,
NOT FOR A LONG TIME, AFTER I...
AFTER WHAT?
UM...
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO YOU?
I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT.
I DON'T THINK IT'S REALLY FAIR
TO FORCE PEOPLE TO EXPRESS SYMPATHY
FOR SOMETHING BAD
THAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.
OH, PLEASE.
I'M SO SORRY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
OWN THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU AS A CHILD,
'CAUSE IT CAN MAKE YOU BETTER AS AN ADULT.
YEAH, BUT I CAN'T,
BECAUSE THEN MAYBE I'D FEEL VULNERABLE,
AND THEN I'D...
YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE KIND OF SEXY.
OH, GOD...
GOD, AND YOU HAVE NICE TITS...
AND YOU'RE SWEATING UNDER YOUR ARMS,
AND YOU'RE NERVOUS, AND I WANT TO KISS YOU.
I FEEL LIKE KISSING YOU...
BUT I...CAN'T.
WHY?
[EXHALES]
BECAUSE I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
ALTHOUGH WE'RE KIND OF HAVING PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW...
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
YEAH, I BET YOU ARE.
[LAUGHS]
WHY ARE YOU HAVING PROBLEMS?
I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S JUST A WORKAHOLIC.
STACEY'S A JOURNALIST, YOU KNOW,
AND WHEN SHE'S WRITING, SHE'S JUST TOTALLY--
EW, SHE'S A WRITER? YEAH.
UGH.
WELL, SHE... WHAT?
SHE JUST...
SHE GETS TOTALLY FOCUSED IN HER WORK,
AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE, OBSESSIVE
AND SELF-ABSORBED--
OH, MY GOD.
I JUST HAD THIS IMAGE IN MY MIND OF HER,
THAT SHE JUST BECOMES THIS FUCKING CUNT...
THAT JUST CHURNS OUT PAGE AFTER PAGE
OF UTTER SHIT
THAT SHE THINKS IS WORTH ALL THE EGO
AND MANIACAL BEHAVIOR.
SHE IS A GOOD PERSON,
AND SHE IS SMART, AND SHE'S FUNNY,
AND SHE'S JUST A LITTLE INSECURE, THAT'S ALL--
WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?
[CLEARS THROAT]
IN VAN NUYS?
SHE LIVES IN BURBANK.
WE HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT, RIGHT?
LIKE, SHE'S SUPPOSED TO COME UP EVERY OTHER WEEKEND,
I'M SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN EVERY OTHER WEEKEND,
AND IT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS.
SHE HASN'T BEEN HERE FOR OVER A MONTH.
I GO DOWN TO L.A. ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S BULLSHIT.
YOU SHOULD BE WITH SOMEBODY
THAT PUTS YOU FIRST
AND WHO TREATS YOU LIKE A PRINCESS.
SHE'S...
SHE'S DRIVEN, AND SHE'S TALENTED, AND...
I FEEL HONORED TO SUPPORT THAT.
I DO.
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU LOVE HER.
I LOVE HER, AND...
YEAH, SOMETIMES IT FEELS
LIKE I'M THE LAST THING ON HER LIST, YEAH.
RIGHT.
SHE'S COMING UP TOMORROW.
WE'LL SEE HOW IT IS.
GOOD.
THAT'S VERY GOOD.
MAKE HER COME UP HERE MORE.
MAKE HER WORK FOR YOU.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, PLEASE?
OKAY.
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
WELL...
WELL, I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY DISTRAUGHT
ABOUT THE DOG BEING PUT DOWN,
SO I'M RATHER BEHIND ON MY SCHOOLWORK.
SCHOOLWORK? MM-HMM.
WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING?
SERIOUSLY?
THE GENTLE MANATEES OF NORTHEAST FLORIDA.
WHAT?
REALLY.
I LOVE IT THAT YOU'RE STUDYING MANATEES.
RAISING A KID IS A CAREER.
COME ON.
OKAY, IT'S NOT LIKE...
BUT IT'S NOT.
I MEAN, IT'S A DIFFERENT...
I DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
YES, IT IS.
I MEAN, I JUST...
SHE GOT WEIRD.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO INSULT HER, BUT--
WELL, YOU DID.
WELL, GOD. SORRY.
I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S GOOD
TO BE TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON ANOTHER PERSON.
WELL, HOW...
LIKE WHEN BETTE SUPPORTED YOU?
I TOOK TIME OFF TO HAVE A BABY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
SHE JUST...
SHH, SHH, SHH.
FUCK.
OH, MY GOD.
I WANT ANOTHER LESSON.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
SHE IS SO FIRED.
HEY.
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?
JUST THESE COMICS.
COOL.
HEY.
HE HAS A PLAYDATE WITH HIS FRIEND.
NICE.
THAT'S PROBABLY THE LAST WORD ON EARTH
I EVER EXPECTED TO BE UTTERED FROM YOUR LIPS.
WELL, IF THE PLAYDATE GOES WELL,
WE MIGHT TRY FOR A SLEEPOVER.
NICE. YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
JUST THESE TWO.
JUST CHOOSE ONE.
TWO-- ONE FOR ME AND ONE FOR JARED.
PLEASE?
HEY, DID YOU HEAR
THAT JENNY HAS AN ARTICLE IN THE NEW YORKER?
YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
I THINK IT'S PRETTY COOL.
"LEZ GIRLS" BY JENNIFER SCHECTER.
ISN'T SHE CLEVER.
WHAT A NICE PLAY ON WORDS.
"LES GIRLS," JENNY.
VERY CUTE.
BUY IT.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
I HAVEN'T READ IT YET.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YEAH, COME IN.
OH, HEY.
HOW WAS TOKYO?
I SPOKE TO BROOKE.
UH-HUH.
SHE TOLD ME SHE ENDED IT WITH YOU.
MAX, I'M VERY TROUBLED.
I DON'T KNOW...
WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU,
I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE EXPLAINED IT,
BUT I HAD TO BE HONEST, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, MY DAUGHTER GOES THROUGH GUYS
THE WAY SHE GOES THROUGH CLOTHES.
ONE DAY,
SHE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT,
AND A WEEK LATER,
IT'S THE WORST CRIME
THE FASHION INDUSTRY EVER PERPETRATED.
I'M STARTING TO LOSE HOPE FOR HER.
I GUESS THAT'S JUST WOMEN, HUH?
UH...
MAX...
YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK FOR A MINUTE
THIS IS GOING TO HAVE ANY BEARING ON YOUR JOB.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.
YEAH.
I'LL LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK.
OKAY.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
EW, GROSS. MOM...
OH, PLEASE.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
HI.
HI, SHAY.
JARED'S IN HIS...
SHAY, COME HERE! I'M IN THE POD!
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS HIS BEDROOM.
UH...
COME ON IN.
I...
NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY GET TO WORK...
TO BE HONEST.
JUST FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
OKAY.
GOOD. SURE.
[TINA]: THANKS FOR MEETING ME.
I WANTED TO SEE YOU IN PERSON.
SURE.
IT'S ABOUT KIT.
[SIGHS]
I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT ANGUS IS...
CHEATING ON HER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT FOR A SECOND.
HE'S COMPLETELY DEVOTED TO HER.
I SAW HIM.
WHAT DID YOU SEE? WHAT?
WHERE?
WITH HAZEL.
THE NANNY.
HENRY AND I WERE COMING HOME, AND--
I KNEW...
I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
I DID.
I HAVEN'T MOVED IN WITH HIM.
OKAY.
COME ON. I STAY THE NIGHT SOMETIMES.
OKAY.
ANYWAY, WE WERE COMING BACK FROM THE THEATER,
AND AS WE DROVE UP, THERE THEY WERE,
JUST MAKING OUT.
THEY WERE COMPLETELY ALL OVER EACH--
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ORDER?
I'LL HAVE A...
COBB SALAD. COBB SALAD.
FOR BOTH OF YOU?
YES, PLEASE.
THAT'LL BE IT?
YEAH. YEAH.
WELL, DID THEY SEE YOU?
NO.
WE WERE SO FREAKED OUT THAT WE HID FROM THEM...
BUT THEY WERE ALL OVER EACH OTHER,
LIKE GRINDING AND SUCKING AND--
YEAH, I DON'T NEED THE DETAILS.
THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN FUCKING
RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF US.
I DON'T NEED THE DETAILS.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE'RE GOING TO STAY OUT OF IT, TINA.
WELL...
I JUST DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR TO KIT.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN FUCKING DO THAT?
WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?
I CARE ABOUT KIT,
AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER GET HURT.
WELL, THEN DON'T TELL HER THAT YOU SAW
THE MAN THAT SHE LOVES SUCKING YOUR NANNY'S FACE.
WELL, SHE'S GOING TO FIND OUT EVENTUALLY,
AND I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE,
IT'S MUCH MORE PAINFUL SEEING IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES.
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
I MEAN, DON'T ACT
LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S EVER BEEN HURT.
AND I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO KIT.
OKAY.
FINE.
THAT'S FINE.
I'M GOING TO TELL HER IF YOU DON'T.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT,
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
PLEASE? THANK YOU.
[JAZZ PLAYING SOFTLY]
[ALICE]: OH, MY FUCKING GOD.
HAVE YOU READ THIS?
JENNY TRASHED US
ALL OVER THE NEW YORKER.
WE ARE ALL OVER THIS THING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE TRASHED US?
OKAY.
"'LEZ GIRLS.'
"NEW FICTION,
"PART ONE OF A SERIALIZED NOVELLA
BY AUTHOR OF SOME OF HER PARTS."
NICE ONE, JENNY.
OKAY...
"ALYSSE CLUNG TO THE BISEXUAL LABEL
"NOT OUT OF ANY GENUINE AFFECTION FOR MEN.
SHE CLUNG TO IT OUT OF SHEER FASHION DESPERATION."
OH, AND THIS IS PRICELESS.
WHERE WAS IT?
"ALYSSE WAS GROUND ZERO FOR RUMOR AND HEARSAY,
"AND IT WAS HARD TO IMAGINE
"SHE HAD ANY TIME FOR ACTUAL ROMANCE,
"STRAIGHT, BISEXUAL, OR OTHERWISE,
"BECAUSE SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME
"OBSESSING OVER OTHER PEOPLE'S
SEXUAL COMINGS AND GOINGS."
WHAT, AND YOU THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU?
ALYSSE, THE BISEXUAL GOSSIP?
YEAH.
ALICE, NO. NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
AND ALICE, IT DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE YOU.
I MEAN, IT'S FICTION.
FICTION, MY ASS.
IT'S ABOUT AN INNOCENT BUT OPEN-HEARTED "PHOTOGRAPHER"
FROM THE MIDWEST,
JESSIE STARR,
WHO MOVES TO LOS ANGELES TO BE WITH HER BOYFRIEND,
AND IS SEDUCED BY KARINA,
YOU KNOW, THE PROPRIETRESS OF AN ITALIAN CAFE.
KARINA?
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE--
MARINA. DUH.
OH-HO.
AND JESSIE AND TODD MOVE NEXT DOOR
TO A LESBIAN COUPLE,
BEV AND NINA.
WHOA.
THAT'S A LITTLE CLOSE TO THE BONE.
IT'S MORE LIKE SUCKING ON THE MARROW.
BEV IS A POWER DYKE IN THE PUBLISHING WORLD,
AND NINA IS DESCRIBED...
IT'S SO MEAN.
"A BI-CURIOUS STRAIGHT GIRL,
"A GIRL WHO WOULD WASTE EIGHT YEARS
"OF SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE
"TRYING OUT AN IDENTITY
THAT WAS NEVER GOING TO FIT HER."
[GASPS]
THAT'S MEAN.
THAT'S REALLY HARSH.
SO MEAN.
THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT ANY MORE.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ANY MORE.
BUT I'M HUNGRY.
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S GOING TO TELL ME OFF
IF YOU EAT ALL MY FOOD.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
NO, I MEAN IT.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT
UNDER REALLY INTENSE CIRCUMSTANCES.
AND HE BROKE HIS ARM...
POOR THING.
DO YOU HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE?
UH, NO, I DON'T.
YOU REALLY HAVE TAKEN ON A LOT.
HOW ARE YOU MANAGING?
WELL, I-I TOOK ANOTHER JOB
TO HELP PAY FOR HIS ARM
AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES WITH IT.
THAT'S A BITCH.
MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU...
BUT WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO, RIGHT?
I BARTEND AT THE BEAUTY BAR ON CAHUENGA.
OH, ISN'T THAT THE PLACE WITH THE HAIR SALON CHAIRS?
YEAH.
YOU WANT CREAM, SUGAR, IN YOUR COFFEE?
OH, JUST A LITTLE CREAM
WOULD BE FINE.
YEAH.
YEAH, THE MONEY'S GREAT,
SO I WORK THERE A FEW NIGHTS A WEEK,
AND...
WHILE JARED'S IN SCHOOL,
I DO TELEMARKETING FROM HOME.
SO THE REST OF THE FREE TIME WE SPEND TOGETHER.
WELL...
WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO, RIGHT?
WELL, SOME OF US DO,
AND SOME OF US DON'T TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY AT ALL.
LIKE JARED'S FATHER.
OH.
UM...
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
AH, I'M OVER IT.
I'D BE HAPPY TO NEVER FUCK ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE.
THE CREAM WENT OFF.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M JUST SORRY FOR JARED...
THAT'S ALL.
HE WISHES HE HAD A DAD.
WELL, HE'S GOT A PRETTY INCREDIBLE MOM.
[JARED AND SHAY CHATTERING IN BACKGROUND]
UM...
BUT I'M GUESSING YOU MUST HAVE BEEN, WHAT,
16 WHEN YOU HAD HIM?
18...
BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M A MILLION YEARS OLD,
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
I WILL BE TOO OLD AND WRETCHED TO PICK UP THE PIECES.
NO...
PLEASE. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?
UH...
I WASN'T. UM...
BUT I'M...
I'M SORRY TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, IF...
IF YOU THINK I WAS.
NO, NO.
I'M SORRY.
I WAS HOPING YOU WERE.
MOM, CAN I GO TO THE BEVERLY CENTER NOW?
I WANT TO SHOW SHAY THE BIONICLES
BEFORE THE MOVIE.
YEAH, I SHOULD...
I SHOULD GET TO WORK, TOO.
UH, YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO BACK TO THE POD
AND PUT YOUR SHOES ON,
AND THEN WE'LL GO.
BRILLIANT TIMING.
YEAH.
YEAH, UM...
WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE COFFEE.
I HOPE WE CAN DO IT AGAIN.
ME TOO.
UH, THANK YOU
FOR WATCHING SHAY AS WELL.
IT'S MY PLEASURE.
TALK TO YOU LATER.
OH, THAT LOOKS WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
SO I CALLED
THE WOOD DELIVERY PEOPLE.
THEY'LL BE HERE IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR.
OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.
OOH.
GO SIT BY THE FIRE.
YOU'RE GETTING UNDERFOOT.
[KISS]
THE PERILS OF BEING THE EXECUTIVE VICE CHANCELLOR.
SHE CERTAINLY MANAGES TO SQUEEZE A LOT IN.
YEAH, WELL, UP AT STANFORD,
SHE CHAIRED AT LEAST 15 COMMITTEES,
AND SHE PRETTY MUCH SINGLE-HANDEDLY
RESURRECTED
THE SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING.
THAT'S MY DEPARTMENT.
YOU KNOW--
OH, NO, LEONARD. YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM.
THEY HAVEN'T BEEN COOKED YET.
WELL, UH, LET ME KNOW IF I CAN HELP OR ANYTHING,
ALL RIGHT?
I WISH YOU WERE COMING TONIGHT.
LEONARD IS JUST IRRITATING THE HELL OUT OF ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I ASKED HIM TO COME DOWN FOR THIS.
I HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING.
I MISS YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
CALL ME LATER.
NO, DON'T CALL ME. I'LL CALL YOU.
WHEW.
[KNOCKING]
[SHANE, OPENING DOOR]: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHAT?
[ALICE]: HELLO, HELLO.
I LIKE YOUR OUTFIT. I LIKE YOURS.
I LIKE YOURS, GREASED LIGHTNING.
AND THE HAT'S CUTE TOO.
THANKS. I JUST GOT IT.
HEY, UH, JEN.
WE'RE GOING TO HERE. DO YOU WANT TO COME?
MM-HMM.
CAN I JUST FINISH MY DINNER AND THEN GO GET CHANGED?
YES.
IF SHE'S GOING, I'M NOT GOING.
HUH? WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
JENNY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ALICE?
OH, NO, JUST CALL ME ALYSSE, THE BISEXUAL FASHION VICTIM.
I'M SORRY, IS MY HAT TOO MUCH?
A LITTLE. WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
JENNY WROTE A STORY.
IT WAS PUBLISHED IN THE NEW YORKER.
WE'RE ALL VERY, VERY EXCITED FOR YOU, JENNY.
BUT WE'RE IN IT.
WE'RE IN IT.
OH...
THANK YOU, ALICE, FOR BEING SO GRACIOUS
ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENT
OF BEING PUBLISHED IN THE NEW YORKER,
BUT, ALICE,
IF YOU ACTUALLY READ BEYOND THE COVER--
OH, I READ IT.
YOU DID? YEAH.
IT'S IN THE NEW YORKER, FICTION ISSUE.
THEREFORE, YOU'D SEE
THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY A WORK OF FICTION.
OH, THAT'S BULLSHIT.
I TAKE IT YOU HAVEN'T READ THIS "STORY."
CLEARLY NOT. NO.
YOU READ IT. TELL HER.
YEAH, I READ IT.
I MEAN, SHE CLAIMS THAT IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S NOT.
I DRAW FROM MY OWN LIFE,
AND I USE MY FRIENDS AND MY OWN EXPERIENCES
AS INSPIRATION,
BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT'S FICTION.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
YEAH, THERE'S THIS CHARACTER NAMED SHAUN, SHANE,
AND SHE'S A MAKEUP ARTIST, RIGHT?
AM I CORRECT? MM-HMM.
YEAH, AND SHE SLEEPS WITH A LOT OF GIRLS...
THAT'S NOT BAD.
HEY, ALICE.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS CRAZY WEIRD THING THAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU WRITE.
AS A WRITER--
WAIT, IS THIS A LESSON?
YEAH. IN WRITING?
FROM JENNY SCHECTER?
YEAH.
OH, FUCK, LET ME GRAB A PEN.
GET A PAD, TOO.
SO THIS THING THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WRITE
IS YOU DRAW FROM YOUR OWN LIFE,
AND THEN, IN TURN,
YOU TAKE THOSE EXPERIENCES
AND YOU USE SOMETHING CALLED IMAGINATION, ALICE.
OH, IMAGINATION.
GOD.
SO THAT'S THE THING YOU WERE LACKING
WHEN YOU COULD BARELY CHANGE OUR NAMES, HUH?
HEY, JUST A SECOND. YOU GUYS...
DO YOU... DO YOU HEAR THAT?
OH, MY GOD, IT'S MONET.
MONET HAS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD,
AND HE WANTS ME TO GIVE YOU A MESSAGE.
HE SAYS, "I AM SO SORRY
"FOR SITTING IN FRONT OF MY POND IN FRANCE
"AND SKETCHING THOSE WATER LILIES
"AND USING THE WATER LILIES
"AS ACTUAL INSPIRATION.
SORRY TO OFFEND, ALICE."
RIGHT, RIGHT.
OH, WAIT.
HE'S TALKING TO ME.
SO WEIRD. IT'S CRA-- HUH?
WHAT?
OKAY, I'LL TELL HER.
HE SAID DON'T EVER FUCKING COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIM.
[TOM INTERPRETING]: I WAS SAYING,
I'M NOT SURE
WHERE I'M PUTTING THE SCULPTURE YET.
I DID MOVE A HAMMOCK IN, THOUGH.
AT SOME POINT,
I LIKE TO SLEEP AND WORK IN THE SAME PLACE.
SO I LIKE TO BE INTIMATE WITH MY OBJECTS.
AND THE OBJECTS BEING
ALL OF THIS JUNK YOU HAULED IN.
THAT COULD SOUND RUDE, WEB.
HIS TONE--
NO, NO, NO. I GOT HIS TONE.
IT'S OKAY.
SHE'S GOT MY TONE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
OH...
HERE'S SOMEONE I REALLY HAVE TO MEET.
NICE TO, UH, MEET YOU.
[SPEAKING SLOWLY AND LOUDLY]: UH, WELL,
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, DON.
IT'S TOM.
AND I'M NOT DEAF.
AH. RIGHT.
AND, UM...
JODI.
AND I'M DEAF.
YES, OF COURSE.
I MEAN, WELL YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO GO SEE MY FRIEND.
BYE-BYE.
TAKE CARE.
[**]
HELLO, CHRISTINE.
DEAN PORTER.
HELLO.
MY, MY, YOU CLEAN UP NICE.
THANKS.
[TOM INTERPRETING]: I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR YOU.
TOM. SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU.
DID YOU JUST INSULT ME?
NO.
YOU'RE JUST ALWAYS SO VERY CLEAN.
I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE YOU BEING DIRTY AT ALL.
I'VE BEEN PLENTY DIRTY.
OH. HMM.
I HAVE A HARD TIME PICTURING THAT.
I'M SORRY, I JUST...
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE A FETCHING LITTLE SMUDGE RIGHT ABOUT--
DIRTIER.
I DON'T ENVY YOU,
TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FROM CREEPS LIKE THOSE GUYS.
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
ACTUALLY, IT'S A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
OH, GOD. EXACTLY.
UGH.
DICKS.
DID YOU GET THAT?
THEY'RE DICKS.
YEAH, I DID. I GOT THAT.
LET'S GET STONED.
THEN WE CAN LAUGH AT THEM.
I CAN'T DO THAT. OH, COME ON.
I CAN'T,
BUT THANK YOU FOR THE INVITATION.
BREAK SOME RULES, BETTE.
IT WILL LIBERATE YOU.
I CAN'T.
COME ON.
COME ON, DEAN.
BRING IT.
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT YOU'VE DONE IT YOURSELF
IN YOUR, LIKE, FUCKING RADIO SHOW AND--
THAT IS SO DIFFERENT.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
DON'T YELL.
ON TOP OF THAT,
I JUST WANT TO MAKE ANOTHER POINT.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE THE POINT
THAT YOU ARE SOMEHOW SAYING
THAT I DON'T HAVE ONE CREATIVE BONE IN MY BODY,
AND THAT'S BULLSHIT.
YEAH, WHATEVER. WHATEVER.
WHAT?
WHATEVER, JENNY.
NO, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT UP.
DO YOU KNOW WHO MAKES THIS HAT?
WHO?
DO YOU KNOW? NO.
YOU DON'T KNOW. I WOULD GUESS--
I WOULD GUESS
THE LEAD SINGER OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.
LADIES!
THIS IS MY GIRL, TASHA.
TASHA, MEET ALICE, JENNY, AND VANILLA.
I'M SHANE.
VANILLA, 'CAUSE SHE'S ME EXCEPT IN ANOTHER FLAVOR.
RIGHT.
DO YOU GUYS WANT TO HAVE A DRINK?
YEAH. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
I DON'T CARE.
HEY, TASH, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I CAN BUY MY OWN DRINK.
FUCK THAT, MAN.
THIS IS YOUR WELCOME BACK INTO THE WORLD.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE TASHA'S BEEN IN THE CLUBS, SO--
SHUT UP, PAPI. SHUT UP.
YO, PAPI,
I'M GOING TO GO SMOKE, ALL RIGHT?
WELL, HOLD ON. I'LL COME WITH YOU.
NO, I'M COOL.
IS SHE OKAY?
SHE SEEMS MAD OR SOMETHING.
OH, YOU KNOW, SHE'S COOL.
[BETTE]: THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.
[TOM]: YOU'RE NOT EVEN STONED YET
AND YOU'RE PARANOID.
RELAX.
COME ON, DEAN.
ALL RIGHT, NONE OF THAT "CLINTONIAN" SHIT NOW.
INHALE.
AND...
PLEASE, SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
[**]
HEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
I SAW YOU WATCHING ME.
YES, I WAS.
MY NAME'S RUBY.
RUBY?
YES.
SHANE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, SHANE.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, RUBY.
YOU'RE VERY DELICIOUS.
DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
NO. NO?
NO.
EITHER DO I.
HEY, SHANE.
PAPI.
OH, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
GIRL, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MY NAME'S RUBY.
RUBY, I'M PAPI. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU. RUBY, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
YOU KNOW, MY COUSIN SONJA HAS A LITTLE GIRL
NAMED RUBY.
I'M HER GODMOTHER.
YEAH, I LOVE THAT GIRL MORE THAN ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
MY BROTHER'S WIFE ACTUALLY JUST HAD A BABY.
REALLY? SHE'S SO INCREDIBLE.
ACTUALLY,
I CRIED THE FIRST TIME I HELD HER.
OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN SO BEAUTIFUL.
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN--
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE MADONNA WITH THE CHILD.
MADONNA WITH THE CHILD?
YEAH.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, PAPI.
THANK YOU, SHANE.
AND THAT'S A CUTE HAT.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
BYE-BYE. BYE.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DID I--
I DIDN'T MEAN TO, LIKE--
DID YOU HAVE A...
NO.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
DO YOU WANT TO DANCE? YES.
ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
[**]
SHIT!
IT'S JENNY SCHECTER,
THE FUCKING LUNATIC WHOSE BOOK I REVIEWED.
WHO?
STACEY MERKIN IS HERE.
WHO'S THAT? THE VAGINA WITCH?
YEAH, SHE'S HERE.
JUST LOOK CASUAL, LIKE NOTHING'S HAPPENING--
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S... I THINK THAT'S DEBBIE.
WHO'S DEBBIE?
DEBBIE, SHE'S JUST A--
WELL, HER DOG IS MY PATIENT.
I HAD TO PUT HER DOG DOWN.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?
SHE LIVES IN SANTA BARBARA.
SHE'S WITH THE RED T-SHIRT.
WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW? YEAH, YEAH.
COME HERE. NO, JUST COME HERE.
[ALICE]: THEY'RE WALKING...
OH, MY GOD, DISTRACT THEM,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO COME OVER TO ME.
CAN YOU KISS ME? NO!
PLEASE KISS ME.
I DON'T KISS GIRLS WHO WEAR DOILIES.
I BEG YOU. I WILL BUY YOU STARBUCKS FOR A WEEK.
PLEASE. BEG YOU.
YES, YES, YES. PLEASE.
OKAY.
OKAY, GO. READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.
OH... COME ON.
[STACEY]: I DON'T WANT SCHECTER TO SEE ME.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
COME HERE.
[HELENA]: IT'LL BE FANTASTIC.
I'D LOVE TO BE THERE,
BUT MUMMY, SHE'S TAKEN WILSON AND JUN YING
TO THE VILLA IN TUSCANY.
MM, NICE.
THEY'RE HAVING A FABULOUS TIME.
OH, I ADORE THEM.
PHYLLIS, EXCELLENT PARTY.
DID YOU KNOW
THAT HELENA'S MOTHER AND I
ARE OLD FRIENDS?
ISN'T SHE DOING A GREAT JOB?
MM.
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOTHING, JUST SOMETHING I DO ON THE SIDE SOMETIMES.
IT'S CATERING.
ANYWHERE, I'D BE THERE.
I'M TOO BUSY AT THE MOMENT.
EVERYTHING--
I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME INTO THE KITCHEN.
JUST... GIVE ME A MINUTE,
WOULD YOU?
ANYWAYS...
UH, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD COME TO THE KITCHEN.
FUCK! FUCK!
FUCK!
WHAT THE FUCK!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME--
WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE--
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? IT'S ALL RUINED!
WHY DIDN'T YOU COME AND TELL ME EARLIER ABOUT THIS?
THERE'S GLASS ON EVERYTHING. PEOPLE CAN'T EAT THIS.
SHIT!
[**]
[ALICE]: HI.
HEY.
CAN I SIT? OR...
YEAH?
SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN PAPI?
FIVE YEARS.
FIVE YEARS? WOW.
HOW'D YOU MEET HER?
HANGING OUT.
OH.
YOU LIKE HANGING OUT?
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE HANGING OUT?
I DON'T KNOW. PLAY BASKETBALL, I GUESS.
WELL, SEE, THERE'S THE CATCH.
TASHA, I THINK YOU'RE LYING.
WELL, 'CAUSE WE PLAYED A GAME WITH PAPI
AND YOU WEREN'T THERE, SO...
I WAS OUT OF TOWN.
OH.
AND I GUESS I LIKE WORKING ON MY RIDE.
I'VE GOT A TRIUMPH SCRAMBLER.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.
YOU HAVE A MOTORCYCLE?
THAT'S--
FUCK, THAT'S COOL.
THAT'S SO COOL,
'CAUSE I HAVE
THIS KIND OF NEW OBSESSION
WITH MOTORCYCLES.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I WANT ONE,
AND I DON'T KNOW... WOW.
HOW FAST DO YOU GO?
ON THE OPEN ROAD,
I'VE TAKEN HER UP TO ABOUT 120.
120? MILES AN HOUR?
OH! THAT'S FAST.
VERY.
HUH.
I'LL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE SOME TIME.
REALLY.
THAT WOULD BE-- I WOULD LOVE THAT.
THAT WOULD BE COOL.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
OH, SHOOT. SORRY.
HELLO?
HEY, HELENA.
YEAH. NO, I'M OUT.
YEAH.
YOU RAN INTO--
I DON'T KNOW WHO DOUGLAS CHIBI IS, NO.
I-- WILL YOU SLOW DOWN?
BECAUSE I CAN'T-- I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING YOU.
WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO
IS PLEASE GO TO PETROSSIAN,
GET ME FIVE POUNDS OF SEVRUGA CAVIAR.
I'VE STILL GOT SOME BLINIS,
I CAN CUT UP SOME EGGS AND--
ALICE, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT IS, OKAY?
IT'S THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO SALVAGE THIS FUCKING PARTY.
THIS PARTY IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
YOU ARE MUCH NAUGHTIER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.
MORE.
SHE ASKED ME
IF I THINK YOU'VE EVER BEEN REALLY DECADENT.
ACTUALLY, I PREFER NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
I'D RATHER PRESERVE MY VISION OF DEAN PORTER
AS THE IMPENETRABLE ICE QUEEN.
THAT IS SO FUCKED UP.
HERE.
IT IS. IT IS!
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE TO SAY,
IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY USEFUL
TO HAVE PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU'RE IMPENETRABLE
BECAUSE THEN IT MAKES THEM WANT YOU,
AND YOU GET ALL OF THESE REALLY GREAT INVITATIONS.
OH...
TELL.
TELL EVERYTHING.
COME ON, DEAN.
CAVIAR BLINIS?
MARVELOUS TOUCH, HELENA.
I HAD NO IDEA WE HAD IT IN THE BUDGET.
SCREW THE BUDGET.
I WANT YOU YOU TO COME UP TO STANFORD
AND CATER SOME PARTIES
FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF ENGINEERING.
NO WAY.
I'M NOT SHARING HER.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY, PHYLLIS.
WELL, SHE'S USUALLY VERY GENEROUS.
SHE MUST ADORE YOU.
HELENA, I'M--
ALICE!
I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST DROPPING SOME STUFF OFF
FOR HELENA,
BUT I'M GOING TO GO.
HI.
I'M LEONARD...
KROLL.
I'M PHYLLIS' HUSBAND.
GREAT. YEAH. ALICE.
ALICE.
I LOVE YOUR HAT.
YOU DO?
MM-HMM. IT'S GREAT.
I'M, UH, HELENA'S ROOMMATE.
OH, WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY.
GREAT COOK.
I DIDN'T EXACTLY COOK THE CAVIAR.
STILL GOOD.
YOU MUST...EAT WELL.
SO, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK
OR SOMETHING TO EAT?
THE FOOD'S GREAT.
NO, I'M GOOD.
GOOD.
WELL, WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
IT'S A REALLY, REALLY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
OH, THANK YOU. WELL, WE LIKE IT.
IT'S SNUG.
ARE THOSE YOUR KIDS?
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
MOLLY IS A JUNIOR AT VASSAR NOW,
AND SOPHIA IS JUST STARTING BENNINGTON.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.
YEAH, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF THEM.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
HOW OLD WERE YOU TWO HERE?
WHAT WAS I?
I WAS 36, AND YOU WERE, UH...
29.
[LAUGHS]: 29...
OKAY, WELL... BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.
OKAY. SEE YOU LATER.
COME BY ANY TIME.
OKAY.
CUTE.
WELL, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME
THAT TINA AND I
WERE ON THIS REALLY REALLY BIG YACHT,
AND TINA AND I WERE IN OUR STATEROOM,
AND VALENTINO IS UP ON THE DECK,
AND HE WAS, LIKE, LITTLE BLACK SPEEDOS,
AND THE SENATOR COMES IN
TO THE ROOM...
WITH THIS BONER.
I'VE HEARD HE'S GOT A COCK
THE SIZE OF A TINY LITTLE CIGAR.
[BETTE]: IT'S MORE LIKE A CIGARILLO, ACTUALLY,
THAT'S BEEN IN SOMEONE'S POCKET FOR FOUR DAYS.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
SPARE ME THE DETAILS.
DID HE WHIP IT OUT?
OF COURSE HE DID,
AND THEN I YELLED,
AND TINA DOVE UNDER THE COVERS,
AND IT WAS JUST...
IT WASN'T PRETTY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY ALL THINK
THEY CAN INVITE THEMSELVES INTO OUR BED.
I DON'T KNOW.
SHE WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU KNOW HOW TO SHOTGUN.
WELL, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND OUT.
[**]
* ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO STAY *
* YOU SAY A TIGHT DRESS MAKES YOU DROOL *
* AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE
* UNTIL I'M GONE
* ALL I CRAVE IS YOUR NUMBER... *
[PHYLLIS]: ALICE!
SHIT.
ALICE, WAIT.
I WANT TO EXPLAIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
HE'S YOUR HUSBAND.
WE'RE NOT LIKE THAT.
WE HAVEN'T HAD A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS.
I MEAN, WE HAVEN'T...
WE...
WE DON'T F--
ALICE...
NO.
WE DON'T FUCK, OKAY?
IT'S NOT REALLY THAT.
I THINK I'VE BEEN A LITTLE SELFISH.
[ALICE CONTINUES]: I HAVEN'T THOUGHT FOR A SECOND
THAT YOU HAVE A HUSBAND, YOU HAVE A FAMILY,
YOU HAVE KIDS...
THAT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M GOING TO HURT ANYBODY.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING,
I DON'T THINK I FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING THIS ANYMORE.
ALICE, I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
ABOUT ANYONE.
OKAY, LISTEN.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WITH HIM INSIDE.
IT'S NOT RIGHT.
I THINK I SHOULD GO.
I REALLY DO.
CAN YOU LET GO OF MY HANDS? PLEASE?
ALICE...
CAN YOU LET GO OF MY HANDS? PLEASE?
I LOVE YOU.
PLEASE?
ALICE, PLEASE. THANK YOU.
* CLOSE THE DOOR
* DON'T LEAVE YOUR FEARS BEHIND *
* I'LL FIND THE TEARS
* YOU THOUGHT NO ONE COULD FIND *
* AND WHEN I'M THROUGH
* I'LL GIVE TO YOU
* TENDER LOVE
* TAKE OFF YOUR COAT
* AND I'LL MAKE YOU SOME TEA
* AND THEN I'LL SHOW...
* YOU WHY YOU CAME TO ME *
* I WON'T SPARE THE ROD
* BUT I'LL SPOIL THE CHILD
* TENDER LOVE
[**]
YEAH.