PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD... DO YOU NEED A RIDE?
YEAH.
I WON'T LET SHAY LIVE IN SOME HOMELESS SHELTER
THE WAY I DID WHEN I WAS A KID.
I'M BEGGING YOU.
PLEASE JUST LET HIM GO TO SCHOOL HERE.
I'M YOUR
JUST-BEEN-OFFERED- $100,000-RECORD-DEAL-
WITH-THRILL-CITY-RECORDS BOYFRIEND!
NUH-UH.
UH-HUH!
I HATE TO SAY IT, MAN,
BUT THE A&R GUY CALLED BACK.
SO, YOU WOULDN'T BE ACTUALLY IN THE BAND.
I MET YOU AT CHERIE JAFFE'S PARTY LAST WEEK.
I'LL TAKE SOME SNAPSHOTS
AND I'LL SEND THEM OVER TO HUGO BOSS HIMSELF.
I'M NOT A MODEL.
IT'S TOO BAD
YOU CAN'T PROVE YOUR CRITIC WAS WRONG
ABOUT HER GIRLFRIEND'S UNIMPEACHABLE INTEGRITY.
I WONDER IF YOU CAN DO ME A FAVOUR.
YEAH.
I'M TRYING TO FIND A FRIEND OF MINE,
LINDSAY, WHO I WENT TO SUMMER CAMP WITH.
I COULD DO A COMPUTER SEARCH AND SEE WHAT I CAN COME UP WITH.
PHYLLIS, HI! IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR LAST NIGHT.
I HAD A LOVELY TIME.
I ESPECIALLY LOVED ALICE. SHE'S SO VIBRANT.
YEAH, OKAY, UP HIGHER, YEAH.
LEFT. NO, NO, THE OTHER LEFT.
OKAY, YEAH, GOOD, GOOD.
SO FUCKING LEFT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, NOW MAKE CIRCLES OR SOMETHING.
CIRCLES ARE GOOD. CIRCLES, CIRCLES...
OH, YEAH.
OKAY, BIGGER CIRCLES.
BIGGER-- OKAY, NOT THAT BIG, NOT...
NO, NO, NO, NO.
OKAY, OKAY. NO, NOW YOU'RE NOT...
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST THINK ABOUT...
THINK ABOUT, LIKE, WHAT YOU LIKE.
HO, WHOA.
OKAY, NICE SURPRISE.
A-PLUS.
OKAY, GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, BOTH.
YEAH, KEEP... BOTH IS GOOD.
KEEP THEM...KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING,
KEEP THEM BOTH.
YEAH, YEAH, KEEP THEM INSIDE.
OKAY. NOW...
NOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO
IS JUST--WHAT?
TEETH. TEETH AREN'T GO--
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO TEETH.
NO TEETH, NO, NO, NO--
OH, OKAY.
TEETH ARE GOOD.
FUCK.
OKAY, GREAT.
YOU'RE DOING SO GOOD.
OKAY.
OH, JESUS FUCKING A. CHRIST.
OKAY, YEAH.
OH, GOOD.
OKAY, AND THEN, JUST LIKE...
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD,
AND THEN YOU JUST, LIKE...
ALL THAT. OH, YEAH.
OKAY. OH, FUCK.
OH, YEAH, FUCK.
YEAH, THIS IS GOOD, OKAY?
OH, YEAH!
FUCK!
AH!
FUCK! FUCK!
AH!
FUCK!
[PANTING]
WOW...
WOW.
[MOANS]
THAT WAS GOOD.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHING HEAVILY]
[**]
* GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES *
* CHICKS DRIVING FAST INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES *
* WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE, LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE *
* THIS IS THE WAY IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* TALKING, LAUGHING LOVING, BREATHING *
* FIGHTING, FUCKING CRYING, DRINKING *
* WRITING, WINNING LOSING, CHEATING *
* KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING
* THIS IS THE WAY...
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE
* AND LOVE
SO, DID YOU ORGASM?
YOU DID, RIGHT?
PHYLLIS, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,
WHEN A GIRL YOU'RE FUCKING
SCREAMS REALLY LOUD
AND THEN GOES COMPLETELY LIMP LIKE THAT,
IT'S A PRETTY GOOD INDICATION
YOU MADE HER COME.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW WONDERFUL THIS IS.
IT IS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING,
TO MAKE A WOMAN COME.
YOU'VE MADE YOURSELF COME, RIGHT?
OH, OF COURSE,
BUT THAT WAS MERE NECESSITY.
THIS IS PLEASURE.
PURE, UNADULTERATED PLEASURE.
IT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DREAMING
AND FANTASIZING ABOUT,
WISHING FOR FOREVER.
[SQUEALING IN GLEE]
WELCOME...
TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY.
[GASPS]
OH...
[GASPING]
YOU ARE SO...
GOOD.
YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS.
YOU MAKE...
YOU MAKE A REALLY GOOD STUDENT.
ALICE...
I WANT TO BE THE PROFESSOR.
[SQUEALING, GIGGLING]
[SHAY]: SEE YOU, SHANE. I'M GOING.
DO YOU HAVE EVERYTHING?
UM, I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
OH...
BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT?
UM, WELL, LOOK,
I'M GOING TO TRY TO GET TO THIS THING.
I JUST, UH...
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS, SHAY.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TELL THE KIDS?
WE'LL JUST TELL THEM
WE HAD TO TAKE SMOKEY TO THE FARM.
THAT'S WHAT MY PARENTS TOLD ME.
DEBBIE?
OH, ME.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YEAH, DEBBIE'S MY NAME.
I'M NOT SO GOOD
AT REMEMBERING PEOPLE NAMES.
IS THIS SOUNDER?
ISN'T SHE PRECIOUS?
YES, HE IS.
HI. HI!
LIKE I WAS SAYING, DEBBIE,
SOUNDER IS A SUPER OLD DOG.
SHE'S ALMOST 11.
SHE'S GOT CATARACTS,
AND UNDER HER COAT YOU'LL FEEL SOME TUMORS,
BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS
AS THEY GET OLDER.
SHE HAS SOME INCONTINENCE,
BUT THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.
I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT
WITH ALL THE OLDER DOGS YOU'VE TAKEN IN.
OH, YEAH. I'VE DEALT WITH, UH, INCONTINENCE A LOT.
OH, DON'T BE UPSET, DEBBIE.
SHE'S...
SHE'S NOT IN PAIN.
OH, I THINK IT'S SO LOVELY WHAT YOU DO FOR OLD DOGS,
TAKING THEM IN TO CARE FOR THEM IN THEIR FINAL DAYS.
YOU KNOW, ALL SENTIENT BEINGS DESERVE TO DIE
SURROUNDED BY LOVE.
NAMASTE.
I THINK SHE LIKES ME.
I THINK SHE'S NOT FEELING VERY WELL.
SHE USUALLY DOES THAT A FEW TIMES BEFORE SHE, UH--
[VOMITING]
OH.
HUH...
OH, MY GOODNESS.
UH...
I'LL TAKE HER.
IF I WANT TO HIT IT WITH A GIRL,
THEN I DO.
IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE.
I'VE ONLY BEEN TURNED DOWN ONCE IN MY LIFE.
WHO TURNED YOU DOWN?
SELMA JOHNSON.
MY MOTHER-- GOD BLESS HER.
WHAT?
HER BEST FRIEND.
OH! OH, YOU GOT TURNED DOWN
BY YOUR MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND?
WELL, I MEAN, NO WONDER. HELLO.
WELL, SHE TURNED ME DOWN WHEN I WAS 12,
BUT WE HIT IT WHEN I WAS 17.
THANKS.
AND SHE WAS WORTH THE WAIT.
SHE WAS ONE FUCKING HOT-ASS OLD LADY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YEAH, I SO DO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME
WHO YOU'VE BEEN HITTING IT WITH LATELY,
HUH?
BESIDES THE LOVINGS YOU GOT
IN THE BACK OF THE LIMO.
OH, NO ONE.
I MEAN, WELL, YOU KNOW,
NO ONE YOU'D KNOW...
MAYBE.
WAS SHE GOOD?
YEAH, GOOD, YEAH.
WELL, DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT.
GOOD. SHE WAS GOOD.
SHE WAS GREAT. WHAT AM I SAYING?
SHE WAS GREAT.
JUST, YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT MY NORMAL TYPE,
NOT THAT I HAVE A TYPE, BUT, UH...
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK IT'S...
IT'S NOT ABOUT STICKING WITH WHAT YOU KNOW...
RIGHT NOW... FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, DIFFERENT IS GOOD.
YEAH, DIFFERENT SOUNDS MARRIED, ALICE.
JUST KEEP THAT ON THE DL.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE DODGING BULLETS.
NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, PAPI.
I MEAN, I KNOW WHEN TO KEEP IT IN MY PANTS.
IT'S OKAY.
SHIT, I DON'T.
YEAH, I JUST THINK, FOR ME, RIGHT NOW,
IT'S ABOUT NEW PORTALS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
NEW PORTALS, NEW FRONTIERS.
NEW OPENINGS.
LIKE, PLACES TO MEET GIRLS,
WHICH, I WOULD LOVE TO TELL THE GIRLS ON OUR CHART
WHERE TO MEET GIRLS,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU SAY YOU KNOW, SO...
OKAY.
YEAH, WELL, THERE'S LOTS OF PLACES,
BUT I'LL TELL YOU THE BEST ONE.
OH.
EVERY SUNDAY
THERE'S A LESBIAN PICK-UP BASKETBALL GAME
AT WEST HOLLYWOOD PARK.
I DON'T LEAVE THERE WITHOUT AT LEAST ONE GIRL,
AND, LIKE, A COUPLE OF DIGITS.
YEAH, IT'S HOT, TOO.
IT'S, LIKE,
ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF GIRLS, LIKE, ALL SWEATY AND SHIT.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT. I MEAN, IT SOUNDS HOT.
YEAH, IT'S MAD HOT.
YOU SHOULD COME, TOO.
LIKE, THIS SUNDAY, MY WHOLE CREW'S GOING.
I CAN EVEN GET YOU ON A TEAM,
BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A DONE DEAL
IF YOU BRING YOUR OWN.
OH, SO YOU MAKE A LITTLE TEAM?
YEAH.
OH, MY FRIENDS, WE COULD MAKE A LITTLE A TEAM.
IT'D BE GOOD.
[SNIGGERS]
WHAT YOU GOING TO CALL YOUR LITTLE TEAM, HUH?
THE BOUGIE ASS GIRLS?
NO, MORE LIKE, THE KICK YOUR ASS GIRLS.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
WELL, JUST MAKE SURE YOU BRING, UH, VANILLA SPICE.
YOU MEAN SHANE?
YEAH, SHAME.
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HURT YOU SO BAD.
LOOK, YOU'RE ALREADY TRIPPIN'.
OH, YEAH.
OOH, WE'RE SO SCARED TO PLAY BASKETBALL WITH PAPI.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD BE,
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO WHOOP YOUR ASSES
ALL THE WAY BACK TO RODEO DRIVE SO YOU CAN GO SHOPPING,
WHICH IS PROBABLY THE ONLY SPORT YOU CAN PLAY.
OH, WE'LL BE THERE, PAPI, OKAY,
AND YOU CAN SAVE THE SHIT FOR THE FIELD, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S CALLED THE COURT.
WHATEVER.
IT'S ON.
IT'S SO FUCKING ON.
[LAUGHS]
[**]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD, ENDING SONG ABRUPTLY]
GOOD MORNING, CHANCELLOR.
OH, BETTE, GOOD MORNING.
LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?
NO!
ASTOUNDING DAY.
ABSOLUTELY LIFE-ALTERING.
UM, YEAH, IT IS...
IT'S A NICE MORNING.
DID YOU...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
DID YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIR, OR...
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
OH...
WELL, LISTEN, I'M ABOUT TO GO MEET SKIP CONNELLY,
AND I WAS JUST GOING TO DROP BY YOUR OFFICE
TO SEE IF YOU HAD ANY WORDS OF ADVICE
FOR HIS TOUR.
JUST THREE.
KISS. HIS. ASS.
HE'S ONE OF OUR WEALTHIEST DONORS,
AND HE HASN'T GIVEN US A DIME
SINCE THAT PERFORMANCE ART FIASCO
LAST YEAR.
I HEARD HE'S VERY CONSERVATIVE.
CONSERVATIVE IS A LITTLE LEFT
OF WHERE HE IS.
HE AND GEORGE W. GREW UP PLAYING GI JOES TOGETHER.
BE STRATEGIC.
SHOW HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO SEE.
BUT YOU'RE NOT ASKING ME TO CENSOR
OR SUPPRESS ANY STUDENT ARTWORK, ARE YOU?
I'M TELLING YOU TO CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY, BETTE.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HIM?
UM, WELL, I WAS GOING TO TAKE HIM
TO THE FOUNDATION BUILDING,
AND THEN I WAS GOING TO TAKE HIM
TO JODI LERNER'S GRADUATE SCULPTURE STUDIO.
GOOD.
JODI WILL IMPRESS HIM.
SKIP IS REALLY INTO BIG NAMES.
I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET HER, TOO.
I MEAN, ORIENTATION HAD ME SO CRAZY
THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY THE FIRST TIME I'VE HAD
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
OH, AND TODAY AT LUNCH
WE SHOULD GO OVER THE DONORS LIST.
OKAY.
AND I HAVE SOMETHING FUN TO TELL YOU.
OH.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOU REALLY...
YOU REALLY ARE RADIATING SOMETHING.
REALLY.
ANYWAY, I'D BETTER GO PREPARE
FOR MY MEETING WITH SKIP.
OKAY.
I JUST HOPE I DON'T END UP ON OUR CHART.
PHYLLIS, YOU CAN'T END UP ON THE CHART UNLESS--
FUCK ME.
I'M SORRY.
I'M TRYING TO GET OVER THIS.
I JUST-- I FEEL TOSSED ASIDE.
I FEEL LIKE I MISSED THE PARTY.
I FEEL OLD FOR THE FIRST TIME,
WHICH IS REALLY...
BABY...
IF YOU FEEL OLD,
THEN I AM JUST BACK FROM THE DEAD.
BABY, YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD, WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD APPLE BOOTY.
I'M SURE THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF ROCK 'N' ROLL
LEFT IN YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK HOME
AND PLAY YOUR LES PAUL.
UGH. COME ON, BABY.
IT SEEMS LIKE THAT BEAT-UP THING
BRINGS YOUR MOJO BACK.
IT JUST...
YEAH, I'M SORRY. I JUST...
I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE PLAYING GUITAR RIGHT NOW.
WELL, YOU BETTER.
BECAUSE...
I AM GOING TO RECORD
THE SONG THAT YOU WROTE FOR ME
FOR THIS CD.
WHAT, "BAREBACK"?
MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT WAS TOO NASTY.
MM-MM.
I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT'S REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY NASTY.
THAT'S WHY
WE'RE GONNA SING IT TOGETHER.
WHAT, YOU'RE GOING...
YOU'RE GOING TO DO A DUET WITH ME
ON YOUR NEW RECORD?
YES.
MM-HMM. YES.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND REHEARSE.
GET IT GOING. GET IT STARTED.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE GOT A LOT TO DO.
YES, GET THEM HOT FINGERS GOING.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
SHE CHALLENGED US.
YES, AND SHE'S CALLING YOU, LIKE, VANILLA SPICE,
AND SHE SAID ALL WE COULD DO IS SHOP.
BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT-- WHAT'S THAT?
YES, I'M PEEING.
NO, SHANE, WE HAVE TO KICK THEIR ASSES,
IS THE POINT.
WEST HOLLYWOOD IS OUR TERRITORY.
WE CAN'T JUST LET THEM HAVE IT WITHOUT PUTTING UP A FIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH, AND, AND, AND, AND,
SHE SAID, LIKE, 30 OF THE HOTTEST GIRLS SHOW UP
EVERY SUNDAY.
YEAH.
I KNOW!
OKAY.
OH, GREAT!
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T LET DOWN THE TEAM.
OKAY.
UM, WE HAVE TO THINK OF A GAME PLAN, SO...
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TALK LATER.
OKAY, BYE.
YAY.
[METALLIC GRINDING]
[GASPS IN SHOCK]
OH, GOD!
YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
I'M SO SORRY, JODI. YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
I DIDN'T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU.
I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
SHE DOES NOT LIKE PEOPLE
SNEAKING UP ON HER WHILE SHE WORKS.
IT BREAKS HER CONCENTRATION, AND IT FLIPS HER OUT.
I'M SO-- WASN'T THINKING.
I'M VERY SORRY.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO...
I WAS JUST TRYING TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M BETTE PORTER.
YEAH. I'M TOM MATER.
I'M JODI'S INTERPRETER.
OH, NICE TO MEET YOU.
OH, I'M SUCH A HUGE ADMIRER
OF JODI'S WORK.
IF YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING, TALK TO ME, NOT TOM.
YEAH, YOU CAN JUST FACE HER.
SHE WANTS TO BE ABLE TO READ YOUR LIPS
AND LOOK INTO YOUR EYES.
OH, OKAY.
I'M BETTE PORTER.
I KNOW.
I SAW YOUR INSTALLATION
AT THE HAMMER TWO YEARS AGO, AND IT WAS JUST...
IT WAS JUST STUNNING,
AND I'M... I'M SO THRILLED
TO HAVE YOU HERE WORKING WITH US.
THANK YOU.
AND I'M SORRY
THAT OUR FIRST BIT OF BUSINESS
HAS TO BE SO PETTY AND ANNOYING,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I NEED YOUR HELP WITH.
I HOPE YOU'LL BE OKAY WITH THAT.
OH, OKAY.
OKAY.
SO, I WAS AT THE STUDIO,
AT YOUR STUDIO,
AND I WAS LOOKING AT SOME OF THE STUDENT WORK,
AND IT'S REALLY, PRETTY--
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I WAS AT YOUR STUDIO,
AND I WAS LOOKING AT THE STUDENT WORK.
IT'S SO IMPRESSIVE.
I MEAN, THEY'VE CLEARLY
ALREADY BEEN SO AFFECTED BY YOU.
[TOM INTERPRETING]: I'M JUST TRYING TO OPEN THEM UP.
YOU KNOW, THEY THINK
THEY'RE ALREADY FORMED AS ARTISTS,
WHEN THEY SHOULD BE EXPLORING THEIR OWN INNER VOICES.
YEAH.
UH, THERE'S A RADICAL SCULPTURE IN THE STUDIO,
WHICH IS CRUDE AND BRILLIANT
AND ENORMOUS.
OH, YOU MEAN LANI SHIPMAN'S PIECE.
AH, SHE IS SO GIFTED.
A LITTLE INTENSE--
A LITTLE INTENSE?
SHE'S THE PARASITIC TWIN OF VALERIE SOLANAS.
[CHUCKLES]
ANYWAY, MY FIRST DAY HERE,
SHE BROUGHT IT IN,
SAYING HOW WEIRD IT WAS
AND HOW BAD HER WORK IS, YOU KNOW,
ALL THAT YOUNG TORTURED ARTIST CRAP,
BUT AFTER THREE DAYS OF WORKING ON IT
HERE IN THE STUDIO,
SHE FINALLY PULLED HER HAIR BACK FROM HER EYES,
AND SHE SAID, "I'M STARTING TO REALIZE IT."
WELL, IT IS POWERFUL, AND...
AND CONFRONTATIONAL,
BUT TODAY I'M BRINGING SKIP CONNELLY,
ONE OF OUR BIGGEST DONORS,
TO TOUR THE STUDIO, AND I--
OH, I KNOW HIM.
YOU DO?
OH, OBSCENELY WEALTHY.
IMPRESSIONIST ART COLLECTOR.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
SLEEPS WITH THE ENEMY.
HE'S NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT PIECE.
NO. NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO ASK YOU?
[TOM LAUGHS]
YOU WANT ME TO...
PUT LANI'S PIECE IN A CORNER UNTIL...
AFTER THE DONOR HAS DONED, RIGHT?
BUT JUST FOR THE AFTERNOON.
JUST FOR THE AFTERNOON.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UNDERSTANDING.
I REALLY...
I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
I'M GOING TO GO MEET WITH HIM NOW,
AND I'M GOING TO BRING HIM BY A LITTLE BIT LATER.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
CERTAINLY.
[**]
UH...
OH, MY GOD...
[SNEEZES]
I AM SO ALLERGIC TO YOU.
HI.
I'D LOVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH DR. SCOTT, PLEASE?
THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
AN EMERGENCY VET APPOINTMENT, PLEASE.
UH...
YEAH, CAN SHE SEE ME RIGHT NOW?
OKAY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
OKAY, GREAT, THANK YOU.
MY NAME?
UH, MY NAME IS, UH...
DEBBIE...
OXNARD.
I WILL BE THERE VERY, VERY SOON.
YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR FOOD, DO YOU?
I MEAN...
I LIKE IT ALL RIGHT.
I WENT ON THIS RAW FOODS THING
MY SOPHOMORE YEAR.
I WAS REALLY INTO IT,
BUT AFTER ABOUT TWO MONTHS,
I FOUND MYSELF SORT OF...
FALLING UP THE STAIRS TO MY DORM.
GUESS I NEED MY MEAT.
BROOKE, I REALLY LIKE YOU A LOT.
I REALLY LIKE YOU, TOO, MAX.
I MEAN...
NO GUY HAS EVER WANTED TO WAIT TO GET TO KNOW ME BETTER
BEFORE HAVING SEX.
I HAVE SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MYSELF,
AND I WANT TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, BECAUSE...
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE REALLY SPECIAL, YOU KNOW,
AND I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE ANY SECRETS BETWEEN US.
DON'T TELL ME, LET ME GUESS.
YOU ARE AN ESCAPED CONVICT, ON THE LAM FROM THE LAW.
NO.
[SIGHS]
I...
I REALLY TRUST YOU, YOU KNOW?
I JUST...
IT'S ALL NEW TO ME,
THIS WHOLE THING, AND I...
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?
I'VE ALWAYS FELT LIKE A MAN, INSIDE,
FOR MY WHOLE LIFE,
AND, I MEAN, NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING IS...
I'M PHYSICALLY BECOMING ONE.
I'M NOT REALLY SURE I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME.
UM...
I'M GOING THROUGH A TRANSITION.
I'VE BEEN TAKING TESTOSTERONE
FOR THE PAST YEAR,
AND I'M UNDER THE CARE OF THIS DOCTOR,
AND I'VE BEEN LIVING AS A MAN,
AND SOON I'M PHYSICALLY GOING TO BE ONE AS WELL.
I WAS BORN A GIRL,
AND, I MEAN, I KIND OF...
I STILL KIND OF HAVE, LIKE, A WOMAN'S BODY,
I MEAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM A MAN.
MY GOD. WAIT, BROOKE.
LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN, BUT--
YOU'RE A FREAK.
I DON'T DATE FREAKS.
HOW DARE YOU?
YOU LIAR.
WAIT...
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
JESUS, FUCK.
NO...
YOU FUCKING FREAK.
COME ON, BETTE, PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.
I TELL YOU,
IF SOMEBODY WANTED TO LET ME IN A UNIVERSITY
JUST BECAUSE OF MY COLOR
OR MY ECONOMIC STATUS,
I'D HAVE BEEN INSULTED.
ADMISSION SHOULD BE BASED ON MERIT,
NOT NEED.
WELL, I THINK THERE ARE A LOT
OF OTHER ISSUES AT STAKE
WITH PROPOSITION 209.
SKIP CONNELLY, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR ESTEEMED ARTIST-IN-RESIDENCE,
JODI LERNER.
THIS IS HER ASSISTANT, TOM MATER.
I'M HER INTERPRETER.
A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU,
MS. LERNER.
I'M VERY CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO
AT MY OLD ALMA MATER.
OH, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LOOK AROUND
AT SOME OF THE STUDENTS' WORK.
I HOPE YOU'LL FIND IT STIMULATING.
THANK YOU.
I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING.
MY UNDERSTANDING WAS THAT YOU WANTED ME TO CAPITULATE
TO SOME ASSHOLE'S REPTILIAN POLITICS
TO GET MONEY OUT OF HIM,
AND THAT, I WILL NEVER DO.
NO, ACTUALLY, WHAT I ASKED YOU TO DO
WAS TO PUT THE STUDENTS AND UNIVERSITY
AHEAD OF YOUR OWN EGO,
SO WE COULD GET THE REPTILE'S MONEY
IN ORDER TO MAKE ART AND NOT BOMBS,
AND YOU AGREED.
[TOM INTERPRETS]: THIS IS CALLED
THE "UNAUTHORIZED ABORTION OF W."
SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL STUDENT WORK I'VE SEEN.
IT'S AN ABOMINATION,
AND AN ABUSE OF UNIVERSITY FUNDS.
WELL, SKIP, DON'T YOU THINK, REALLY,
THAT THE PRIMARY MISSION OF A UNIVERSITY
IS TO PROVIDE A SAFE HAVEN TO EXPLORE IDEAS
AND EXPAND BOUNDARIES?
NOT ON MY DOLLAR.
SKIP, THIS IS ONE ARTIST AMONG HUNDREDS HERE
WHO'S JUST TRYING OUT HER VOICE.
I MEAN, REALLY, ISN'T THAT WHAT GRADUATE SCHOOL IS ABOUT?
SUPPORTING--
WELL, I SURE AS HELL WON'T BE SUPPORTING IT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD DAY.
SKIP--
JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE,
THEN CALL HIM
AND GIVE HIM THE SPEECH
ABOUT HOW THE IMPRESSIONISTS WERE MET WITH THE SAME RESPONSE
WHEN THEY DEBUTED THEIR WORK IN PARIS IN 1874.
NOW ON TOP OF EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB?
[SCOFFS]
[DOG WHINING]
SHE'S EATEN A QUARTER-POUND OF KONA COFFEE.
I THINK SHE'S GONE INTO SOME KIND OF SHOCK.
I'LL GET THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
OH, JESUS, RICH.
I TURNED AROUND FOR A MINUTE.
ONE MINUTE,
AND SHE WAS ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH THE BAG.
OH, MY GOD...
MOLLY.
[DOG WHIMPERING]
IT'LL BE OKAY, MOLLY.
WE LOVE YOU.
UM, SOUNDER OXNARD?
ME.
OH, HI.
HI.
YOU CAN COME ON IN.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD HER, DEBBIE?
ABOUT 11 YEARS, SINCE SHE WAS A PUPPY.
MY LONGEST RELATIONSHIP.
[CHUCKLES]
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE HEARD THAT.
GIRL'S BEST FRIEND, HUH?
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THREE GIRLFRIENDS WITH HER,
AND...
YOU KNOW, THEY LEAVE,
BUT THEN THEY ALWAYS WANT TO COME BACK
TO VISIT SOUNDER.
DEBBIE...
YOU KNOW THAT SOUNDER'S PRETTY OLD, HUH,
AND SHE FEELS TO ME LIKE SHE'S REALLY SLOWED DOWN.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
IS THAT SOUNDER'S NOT REALLY SICK,
SHE'S JUST--
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
YOUR EYES ARE SWOLLEN.
WELL, DO YOU WANT TO WASH UP?
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING AT ALL?
THANKS.
DEBBIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
THIS MUST BE HARD, THIS JOB.
YOU SEEM LIKE A SAINT.
OH, GOD, NO.
NO, NOT REALLY.
I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE DOING ANYTHING ELSE, YOU KNOW?
MOST KIDS PLAY DOCTOR WHEN THEY'RE GROWING UP.
I PLAYED VET.
I HAD THIS CAT, TWIGGY.
SHE HAD, LIKE, 300 FAKE OPERATIONS
BY THE TIME I WAS SIX.
THESE GUYS ARE MY FAMILY, YOU KNOW?
IS IT YOUR WHOLE FAMILY?
ALMOST.
THIS IS MY WHOLE FAMILY.
THIS IS, UM, SPARKY.
HE'S MY PERFECT LITTLE BUDDY,
AND THAT'S STACEY, MY GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S A JOURNALIST.
OH, RIGHT.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.
THANKS.
SO, IT'S LIKE...
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE DRYING YOUR NAILS.
YOU'RE DRYING YOUR NAILS.
DRYING YOUR NAILS. YOU GOT THAT?
OKAY, BLOCK ME.
COME UP HERE, BLOCK ME.
I'M GOING TO TRY TO SHOOT, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO THROW IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO-- WHOOSH! YOU KNOW I MEAN?
SO, COME IN,
BUT I'M GOING TO BE LIKE THIS,
BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO I'M LIKE THIS. I COME, AND I'M COMING IN,
BUT YOU'RE THERE, AND YOU'RE THERE,
BUT I'M--
COME UP, RIGHT?
AND I... OH, LOOK AT THAT.
WELL, YEAH, GREAT, ALICE.
THAT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH?
I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.
HELENA, WE'VE GOT THE GAME ON SUNDAY.
WE HAVE TO TRAIN,
AND I STILL HAVE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO SLAP THE ASSES.
ALICE...
I'VE HAD FIVE JOB INTERVIEWS TODAY,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M KNACKERED,
AND I'VE JUST RIPPED YOUR FAVORITE T-SHIRT.
I COULD REALLY DO WITH A GLASS OF WINE.
OKAY.
UH, HELENA?
YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS,
BECAUSE YOU JUST GOT IT IN.
OVER THE SHOULDER.
I DID?
OVER YOUR HEAD, NOT EVEN LOOKING!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I THINK YOU MIGHT BE OUR SECRET WEAPON.
HUH?
WOW, PHYLLIS, HI!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I JUST DROPPED BY TO GIVE YOU THIS.
OH...
OH, YEAH, UH, OKAY.
JULIE LONDON, UH-HUH.
I DON'T KNOW HER.
I THOUGHT WE COULD, UH, LISTEN TO IT NEXT TIME.
SURE.
OH, I WISH I COULD STAY.
I'VE GOT TO RUN.
I'M DESPERATE TO FIND A CATERER
FOR NEXT WEEK'S FUNDRAISER.
MY REGULAR CANCELLED.
WEIRD.
WEIRD AND COINCIDENTAL THAT HELENA'S HERE,
BECAUSE HELENA IS A CATERER.
I AM?
YES, SHE IS.
I AM.YOU ARE? REALLY?
YEAH, SHE STUDIED AT, UH...
CORDON BLEU.
UH-HUH.
WELL, GREAT. DO YOU HAVE A CARD?
UH, NO. BECAUSE...
BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING THOSE NEW BUSINESS CARDS MADE UP.
MADE UP. RIGHT.
YEAH. YEAH.
SHE'S GREAT, THOUGH. YOU SHOULD USE HER.
WELL, ARE YOU FREE FRIDAY, HELENA?
YEAH.
I'LL CALL YOU. I'VE GOT TO RUN.
I'M-I'M LATE FOR A MEETING WITH MY PLANNING GROUP.
OH...
OKAY...
OKAY, BYE!
ALICE!
A...
YEAH.
WHAT DID WE JUST GET ME INTO,
AND B,
YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THAT
THAT SOPHISTICATED, GENTEEL,
INTELLIGENT, LOVELY--
LOVELY?
MATURE WOMAN IS THE SAME ANIMAL
RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE HIDEOUSLY LOUD NOISES
EMANATING FROM YOUR BEDROOM THE OTHER NIGHT?
YEAH.
THAT WOULD BE THE LADY.
UH-HUH.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN IN THE STATES?
I'VE BEEN MIKEY'S NANNY
FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS NOW.
HE'S BECOME LIKE MY LITTLE BROTHER.
HE LOVES ANGELICA.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,
EXCEPT ANGELICA FEELS MORE LIKE MY DAUGHTER.
YOU DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH
TO BE ANYBODY'S FATHER.
YOU'RE WAY TOO HOT TO BE A PAPA.
UH, YEAH, WELL,
IT'S THE LEARNING FUCKING NOTHING,
KEEPS YOU YOUNG.
TINA TOLD ME
YOU PLAY GUITAR IN A BAND.
LET'S FEEL YOUR CALLUSES.
I'M JUST STARTING TO GET SOME.
HMM...
UM, HOW LONG YOU BEEN PLAYING?
ONE MONTH.
MM-HMM.
I KNOW THREE CHORDS.
I'D LOVE TO GET LESSONS FROM YOU.
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN,
YOU'VE GOT THE THREE CHORDS,
SO IT'S JUST, UH, GETTING THE STRUM DOWN...
[PLAYS A QUICK MELODY]
AND THEN YOU'RE GOOD TO GO
ON, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A MILLION SONGS.
I PRIDE MYSELF
ON BEING GOOD TO GO FOR A LOT OF THINGS.
YOU KNOW, I, UH...
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
I HAVEN'T TAUGHT IN QUITE A WHILE, SO, UM,
I'M PROBABLY PRETTY RUSTY.
I'M NOT.
I AM GOING TO, UH...
GO GET ANGELICA FOR YOU.
[**]
ARE THOSE NINES?
YEAH, THESE ARE A NINE, MA'AM.
NO, NO, NO, THEY-- THEY AIN'T NO NINE.
NO, MM-MM.
YOU KNOW WHAT, IT FEELS REALLY TIGHT.
I'M GOING TO GRAB YOU A 10.
NO, I DON'T WEAR A DOUBLE-DIGIT SHOE, OKAY, HONEY?
HELENA?
CAN YOU HELP ME GET THIS ON?
SURE.
SHE'LL DO IT.
JUST, YEAH, JUST KIND OF ANGLE IT AROUND.
OKAY, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.
OH, KIT, ARE YOU SURE?
COME ON. OH, KIT...
THEY LOOK A BIT...
OW! OOH, OKAY...
[GASPING IN PAIN]
SEE?
IT'S OKAY.
I FEEL
LIKE I COULD SLAM-DUNK IN THESE.
PAPI'S GOING DOWN.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
NOTHING. I'M JUST...
I DON'T KNOW, I JUST KEEP THINKING
ABOUT THIS BACK TO SCHOOL SCHTICK
I HAVE TO GO TO TONIGHT.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE SNEAKS.
SECOND OF ALL, QUIT WORRYING,
AND JUST, LIKE, FLIRT WITH THE TEACHER.
WHAT ARE YOU BASHING MY SNEAKERS FOR?
YOU SHOULD TELL HER
YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME A MEN'S UNDERWEAR MODEL.
OH, YEAH, I'M SO SURE.
SHE'LL THINK IT'S VERY, VERY SEXY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT?
SHANE, THERE'S TONS OF MONEY IN IT.
I KNOW, AND I'M NOT DOING IT.
WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A BAD MOOD?
KIT, I REALLY THINK
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A BIGGER SIZE UP.
THEY LOOK TINY.
NO, NO, THEY PERFECTLY FIT.
THEY REALLY DO.
HEY, JENNY?
YEAH?
GIRL, I LOVE YOU,
BUT YOU SMELLING LIKE AN OLD DOG TODAY.
WHAT IS IT?
OH, UM...
WELL, IT'S BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.
YOU KNOW, GETTING READY FOR THE BIG GAME.
YEAH. YEAH.
WHEN DID TRAINERS GET THAT EXPENSIVE?
WE'RE GOING TO GO, SWEETIE.
REALLY?
UH, LET ME SEE, IN 1980?
YOU GOT THE SHOTS, HELENA.
NOW YOU NEED THE SHOES.
WELL, JUST EXPLAIN TO ME THE NAME.
WAS IT THE BOUGIE ASS...
BOUGIE, BABY.
COME ON, THE BOURGEOISIE.
YOU KNOW, THE UPPER CLASS, THE UPPER CRUST.
YEAH, I'M JUST TAKING PAPI'S PUTDOWN,
AND I'M USING IT TO EMPOWER US.
MA'AM, YOUR TOES ARE HITTING THE FRONT OF THOSE SHOES.
I'LL TAKE THEM.
LIZA LOU'S ENVIRONMENTAL SCULPTURE,
KITCHEN.
IT TOOK HER FIVE YEARS TO COMPLETE THIS WORK,
WHICH IS MADE UP OF
MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF TINY COLORED GLASS BEADS.
CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE ARTIST'S EXPERIENCE?
YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT WE TALKED ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT?
YES, OF COURSE, NADIA.
LIZA LOU DESCRIBES THE ACT OF MAKING THESE HUGE,
LABOR-INTENSIVE WORKS
AS BEING LIKE PRAYER,
A MYSTICAL EXPERIENCE COMPARABLE IN SOME WAYS
TO RELIGIOUS MARTYRDOM--
YEAH, BUT DIDN'T MOST OF THE CRITICS
EQUATE HER
WITH THE FEMINIST ARTISTS OF THE 1970s?
YES, SOME OF THE EARLIER WORKS.
YES, LIKE KITCHEN, THAT'S TRUE,
IN THAT A KITCHEN IS USUALLY EQUATED WITH WOMEN'S WORK,
BUT HERE,
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE DEVOTIONAL
RATHER THAN THE MUNDANE,
OR THE WAYS IN WHICH THE MUNDANE IS ELEVATED
TO THE REALM OF MYSTICAL EXPERIENCE.
IN FACT, JEANETTE WINTERSON,
WHO HAS WRITTEN EXTENSIVELY
ABOUT THE TRANSFORMING POWER OF LIZA LOU'S WORK HAS SAID,
"WHAT ART DOES
"IS COAX US AWAY FROM THE MECHANICAL
TOWARD THE MIRACULOUS."
AGAIN, "WHAT ART DOES
"IS COAX US AWAY FROM THE MECHANICAL
AND TOWARD THE MIRACULOUS."
WHAT WAS THE WORD AGAIN?
NUMINOUS.
IT MEANS DIVINE,
MAJESTIC, THAT WHICH IS WHOLLY OTHER.
MOVING ON TO SARAH VANDER--
OH, I JUST...
I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT THE TIME IS UP.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT SARAH VANDERLIP NEXT WEEK.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I WANT YOU TO STUDY KATHARINA FRITSCH'S "MOUSE"
THAT WE VIEWED EARLIER,
AND COMPARE IT
WITH DUCHAMP'S "BICYCLE WHEEL",
AND START THINKING ABOUT THE ARTIST'S USE
OF EVERYDAY OBJECTS.
NADIA, I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU.
I THINK I'D LIKE MORE THAN THAT WITH YOU.
NADIA...
JUST LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,
AND I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME WITH YOU,
BUT WHAT HAPPENED CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I THINK YOU'RE BEING
OVERLY SENSITIVE TO ME.
NO, I'M BEING VERY SERIOUS.
WE MADE A MISTAKE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
I UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU WANT ME AS MUCH AS I WANT YOU.
IT'S OVER,
AND THAT'S FINAL.
OKAY, I'M SORRY.
I'LL BE MORE CAREFUL AROUND CAMPUS.
IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU,
THEN I'M GOING TAKE DISCIPLINARY ACTION,
AND I WILL TAKE THE CONSEQUENCES,
BELIEVE ME.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW?
I'M SORRY, DEAN PORTER.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE SERIOUS.
[SIGHS]
BUBBLEOLOGY IS A HANDS-ON PROGRAM.
THE CHILDREN WILL LEARN ABOUT GAS, EVAPORATION,
GRAVITY, PHYSICS,
SURFACE TENSION, PRISMS,
MANY, MANY OTHER THINGS
ALL THROUGH THE STUDY OF BUBBLES.
SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ME,
AND HELP YOURSELF TO REFRESHMENTS.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS BACK TO SCHOOL OF ROCK NIGHT.
MAYBE PATTI SMITH'S JUST HERE
FOR THE FREE FOOD.
IGNORE THEM.
SOMETIMES,
BEING A PARENT CAUSES DEMENTIA
WITH SIDE EFFECTS OF PETTINESS.
RIGHT.
I'M PAIGE SOBEL.
HI.
I'M JARED'S MOM.
HI. I'M SHANE.
I'M HERE FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER, SHAY.
WELL, IT'S REALLY GREAT THAT YOU CAME.
I'M SURE IT MEANS A LOT TO SHAY.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
HE DOESN'T TALK TO ME MUCH.
SOUND LIKE A TYPICAL BOY.
JARED NEVER ASKS ME FOR ANYTHING,
EXCEPT MORE TOY GUNS
AND SKATEBOARD STUFF.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM TO MY SHOP.
WE DO CUSTOM BOARDS.
YOU HAVE A SKATEBOARD SHOP?
I DO, YEAH.
WE HAVE EQUIPMENT AND BOARDS
AND A HALF PIPE IN THE BACK.
WHOLE THING.
WE SHOULD DO A PLAY DATE WITH THE BOYS THERE.
YEAH.
SURE.
HELLO, PAIGE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME.
BYE.
I'M SALLY RAPSON.
HEY, SHANE McCUTCHEON.
I'M SHAY'S SISTER.
I COULD HAVE GUESSED.
YOU LOOK ALIKE.
SHAY'S A BRIGHT BOY.
HE SEEMS TO BE ADJUSTING FAIRLY WELL, CONSIDERING.
GOOD, GOOD.
HE HAS A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HIS CONCENTRATION,
AND HIS PARTICIPATION ISN'T QUITE
WHERE I'D LIKE IT TO BE,
BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL
IF YOU WOULD THINK ABOUT GETTING HIM INVOLVED
IN SOME ACTIVITIES.
RIGHT, UH...
LOOK, MA'AM, I DON'T...
I DON'T KNOW HOW HELPFUL I CAN BE
IN THIS DEPARTMENT.
I'M MEAN, I'M JUST...
I'M LITERALLY JUST FILLING IN,
AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW HE MISSES HIS FAMILY A LOT.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING, SHANE.
JUST OVER HERE.
SURE.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU FUCKED MY BOSS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS?
REALLY INTENSE, GREAT ORGASMS?
I'M SERIOUS, ALICE.
SHE'S NEVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN BEFORE.
SHE COULD'VE FOOLED ME.
OH, BETTE, JUST CHILL.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY HAS THEIR FIRST TIME, OKAY?
AND I HAVE TO SAY, I'M A VERY GOOD FIRST.
SHE'S NOT JUST SOME GIRL ON YOUR CHART.
ALL RIGHT?
PHYLLIS IS THE EXECUTIVE VICE CHANCELLOR
OF A MAJOR UNIVERSITY.
MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, CONSIDERABLY OLDER THAN YOU.
RIGHT, EXACTLY,
WHICH IS WHY I THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD, YOU KNOW...
SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
COME ON, IT'S ALL ABOUT
ME BROADENING MY HORIZONS RIGHT NOW, OKAY, AND I...
I LIKED TRYING AN OLDER VINTAGE.
WELL, I JUST HOPE IT DOESN'T BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE,
OR MINE, MORE TO THE POINT.
OKAY, BUT WHEN SHE ATE ME OUT, IT WAS--
NO, NO, NO, LA LA LA LA LA!
NO!
OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GET OUT OF HAND, I PROMISE.
[SIGHS]
THANK YOU.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT BASKETBALL NOW?
I HAVEN'T PLAYED BASKETBALL
SINCE JUNIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU PLAYED IN HIGH SCHOOL?
OKAY, LISTEN, WE NEED YOU,
BECAUSE OUR HONOR IS AT STAKE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME, ALICE.
I'M NOT INTO THAT COMPETITIVE TEAM SPORT THING ANYMORE.
IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A COUPLE OF HOURS SUNDAY,
AND IT'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD CHANCE TO HANG WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
I HAVE A REPORT DUE.
I HAVE A SPEECH THAT I HAVE TO WRITE
FOR THE DONORS RECEPTION.
I HAVE FIVE BUDGETS--
I'M GOING TO CALL PHYLLIS,
AND I AM GOING TO TELL HER TO ORDER YOU TO PLAY.
OH, SHE'LL DO ANYTHING I WANT RIGHT NOW.
ANYTHING.
OH, IT'S SO CLEVER. I CAN'T BELIEVE MYSELF.
OW!
[**]
YEAH...
ALL RIGHT.
HERE. PASS IT HERE.
COME ON, GIRL.
YEAH...
ALL RIGHT, CHECK IT.
YO.
YEAH.
NICE.
[GIGGLING]
[**]
YOU GOT A PRETTY TEAM HERE, ALICE.
YEAH, WE'RE JUST HERE TO PLAY, PAPI.
ALL RIGHT.
[SCOFFS]
YEAH, I GOT TO GET OFF THE PHONE.
OKAY, BYE.
I'M GONNA COVER YOU.
OKAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
HEY, BLONDIE.
YOU MADE IT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, TINA?
I, UH, DECIDED TO PLAY.
WHERE'S ANGELICA?
SHE'S WITH ANGUS AND HAZEL. SHE'S FINE.
BUT IT'S A LESBIAN GAME, TINA.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU'RE AN HONORARY LESBIAN, KIT. COME ON.
THAT'S FINE, JENNY.
I STILL IDENTIFY AS A LESBIAN.
YEAH, BUT WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,
HOLDING YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HAND,
ENJOYING ALL THE HETEROSEXUAL PRIVILEGES,
YOU STOP BEING A LESBIAN.
DEPENDS ON WHAT COLOR HETEROSEXUAL YOU ARE
THAT GETS YOU ALL THEM PRIVILEGES.
[SHANE]: TINA, I DON'T THINK IT MAKES
A GODDAMN DIFFERENCE.
I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN,
IF TINA WANTS TO IDENTIFY AS A LESBIAN,
ISN'T THAT HER CHOICE?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE A BISEXUAL?
ACTUALLY, I THINK OF LESBIAN AS A POLITICAL IDENTITY,
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO YOU VOTE FOR.
IT'S ABOUT WHO YOU FUCK.
HEY...
WE DON'T CARE WHO YOU'RE FUCKING.
COME ON, PLAY WITH US. LET'S DO THIS.
LET'S GO.
YOU GUYS!E ON, YEAH, COOL.
ALL RIGHT!
SO, YOU'RE MY COMPETITION, VANILLA?
WHATEVER YOU SAY, POPS.
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
[SCOFFS]
OKAY.
COME ON.
[**]
[PLAYERS SHOUT]
WHAT YOU DOING, RODEO DRIVE?
SHOPPING, BITCH.
OVER HERE!
ALICE! ALICE!
COME ON, ALICE. ALICE, HERE!
[SHOUTS]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
NICE, NICE, NICE, NICE, NICE.
WHAT? I TOLD YOU.
PUT THE FUCKING COFFEE DOWN.
PUT IT DOWN.
ARE WE AT THE PLANET RIGHT NOW?
I DON'T THINK SO,
BUT I TOLD YOU NOT TO PASS IT TO ME.
STOP FUCKING FOULING ME!
STOP FUCKING TRAVELING WITH THE BALL.
[SCREAMING]
ALL RIGHT, BETTE!
[CHEERING]
[APPLAUSE]
NICE JOB, RODEO.
YOU'RE NOT AS TENDER AS YOU LOOK.
BUT I WILL STILL KICK YOUR MICRO ASS.
YEAH, OKAY, DAD.
LET'S PLAY.
ALL RIGHT, GO, COME ON, COME ON.
OH, YOU SUCK.
[CHEERING]
GO TO THE BALL.
GOT TO THE GODDAMN BALL.
OKAY...
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY!
YEAH?
[CHEERING]
OKAY, COME ON, GIRLS.
COME ON, SET IT UP.
ALICE!
ALICE, GO FOR IT! YOU'VE GOT THE BALL!
[SQUEALING]
WHAT YOU DOIN', GIRL?
I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET TO KNOW MY COMPETITION.
COME ON, MOVE YOUR ASS!
I CAN'T! I CAN'T RUN. MY SHOES ARE KILLING ME!
JENNY!
DON'T-- DON'T TOUCH ME.
MOVE.
GO.
SHOOT, JENNY.
YIKES!
GODDAMN IT!
GO, GO, GO, GO!
OH, CAREFUL, CAREFUL! MY HEAD!
GODDAMN IT! WE'RE LOSING.
BETTE!
WHAT?
YOU'RE SCARING ME.
BALL IN.
WE'RE JUST PLAYING HOOPS, BETTE.
JUST A LITTLE GAME OF HOOPS.
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO STARTED THIS BULLSHIT.
[WHISTLING]
OKAY!
OVER HERE!
SHOOT IT! OH!
FOULED ME!
FUCKING FOUL, MARISSA!
TWO FROM THE LINE FOR MY BRITISH BOMBSHELL.
OH, IT LOOKS LIKE OUR SECRET WEAPON JUST ARRIVED.
COME ON, HELENA!
GOOD WEAPON FOR US.
[CLEARS THROAT]
DO THAT THING.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[CHEERING]
IN YOUR FACE, PAPI.
28 TO 3. WHOOM!
GIRL, YOU GOTTA GO IN. BITCH STEPPED ON MY FOOT.
FUCK...
GOOD TEAM, GUYS. GOOD TEAM.
COME ON, SHANE!
GO, SHANE! GO ON!
OVER HERE!
NICE...
DON'T BE MAD, BROWN BARBIE.
WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLING BROWN BARBIE,
YOU FUCKING CARMELITA TROPICANA?
HEY, SHANE! I'M JUST PLAYING.
SHANE,
SHAY FELL OFF HIS BOARD.
WHAT?
TIME OUT, EVERYONE.
HEY, BETTE...
NO, NO, NO, IT'S OKAY. I GOT IT, I GOT IT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE FELL ON HIS ARM.
IT LOOKS REALLY BAD, YOU GUYS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SEEMS LIKE
WE MIGHT HAVE TO POSTPONE THE GAME, PAPI.
WE GOING TO GET YOUR ASS NEXT TIME.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
[LAUGHING]
OW, MY DOGS ARE KILLING ME.
I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO BE ABLE
TO WALK TOMORROW.
WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME
WHEN BASKETBALL
BECAME THIS NEW LESBIAN SPORT?
IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
THE WNBA IS JUST...
THEY RUN FROM IT,
WHICH IS PART OF THE REASON
THEY DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED
WITH THEIR CORE AUDIENCE.
THAT'S SAD.
I THOUGHT SOFTBALL WAS, LIKE,
THE BIG DYKEY SPORT.
THANK YOU.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT RUGBY?
I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH, AND THERE'S GOLF.
THERE'S THAT ROSIE JONES WOMAN
OR SOMETHING.
AND THERE'S TENNIS.
YEAH, THERE'S MARTINA, AND, UM...
WELL, HERE'S TO THE BOUGIE ASSES.
YES. YEAH.
CHEERS.
YEAH, GOOD GAME.
I MEAN, WE TRIED, RIGHT?
YEAH, WE DID ALL RIGHT.
AND TO SHAY.
SHAY TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM.
YEAH, TO SHAY. TO SHAY.
THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY,
I WANT TO GET EVERYBODY TOGETHER,
AND HAVE, YOU KNOW, A PRACTICE,
SO WE CAN BEAT THEM.
YEAH, JENNY. YES, ALICE.
WE PRACTICED.
ME? ALICE!
WHAT?
[LAUGHING]
SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE,
WE'LL BE BILLING YOU DIRECTLY
FOR THE CHARGES.
OKAY, THAT'S FINE.
JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH IT IS.
COMPOUND COMMINUTED FRACTURE.
THEY RESET THE BONE.
THAT PROCEDURE RUNS AROUND $5,000.
THE HOSPITAL BILL WILL BE NO LESS
THAN $4,000.
THEN THERE'S $1,000 FOR THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST.
THEN THERE'S X-RAYS AND THE DOCTOR'S FEES.
HE'S GOING TO NEED FOLLOWUP EXAMS,
CAST REMOVAL.
THAT'LL PROBABLY RUN YOU ANOTHER FIVE GRAND.
[SIGHS]
FUCK...
FUCK.
WHERE AM I GOING TO COME UP WITH THAT MONEY?
THANK YOU.
I TOLD YOU SHE WAS PERFECT.
[**]
* YOU GOT THEM ALL BY THE BALLS *
* CAUSIN' WATERFALLS
* STONE WALLS, BAR BRAWLS
* COMMON STALLS AT CONCERT HALLS *
* TO YOU THEY CRAWL BODIES SPRAWL *
* SMOKIN' PALL MALLS
* CLOSE CALL, STAND TALL
* DOLL, YOU MAKE THEM FEEL SO SMALL *
* AND THEY LOVE IT
* OOH, OOH
* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
* OOH, OOH
* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* I WANNA BE HER
* YES, I DO
* THE WAY YOU ROCK DON'T STOP*
* GIRL, YOU GOT THE CHOPS
* FLIP-FLOP, SHE-BOP SELF-TAUGHT *
* YOUR LICKS ARE HOT
* HER LYRICS HEAVE KIDS RECEIVE *
* CRAWLING UP THE SLEEVE
* PARENTS PEEVED CAN'T CONCEIVE *
* THAT INDEED WE'LL NEVER LEAVE *
* AND WE LOVE IT
* OOH, OOH
* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
* OOH, OOH
* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* THE GIRLS WANNA BE HER
* THE BOYS WANNA BE HER
* I WANNA BE HER...
[**]
YEAH.