PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...
IF IT ISN'T JENNIFER SCHECTER,
AUTHOR OF SOME OF HER PARTS.
OF COURSE I'M GOING TO READ MY OWN REVIEWS.
WHY SHOULDN'T I?
FREAK,
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING,
THINKING YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY
THAT RIDICULOUS GIRL?
ALICE WORKED FOR WEEKS SETTING THIS WEDDING UP.
HELENA SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE.
WHAT SHANE DID IS TERRIBLE,
AND COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE.
I KNEW YOU WERE HIS DAUGHTER,
AND IT WASN'T JUST BECAUSE OF THE NAME.
IT WAS A PICTURE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL THREE OF YOU.
I LEFT YOU A GIFT. IT'S ON THE BACK PORCH.
I'M CUTTING YOU OFF FINANCIALLY.
[WHITNEY]: A MOVIE STUDIO
PARAMOUNT WAS LOOKING TO ACQUIRE--
YOUR MOTHER WANTED TO UNLOAD IT
BEFORE SHE LEFT FOR ANTIGUA.
WHO'S AARON KORNBLUTH?
HE'S OUR NEW BOSS.
WE'RE MEETING HIM ON WEDNESDAY.
MY DAUGHTER BROOKE'S COMING HOME FROM MT. HOLYOKE.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THE TWO OF YOU WOULD HIT IT OFF.
PHYLLIS...
YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.
I WILL SEE YOU ON CAMPUS MONDAY MORNING.
WHO THE HELL IS PAPI?
THIS MORNING, IT WAS 1,150,
WITH THE QUESTION THAT IS ON EVERYONE'S MIND TONIGHT--
WHERE'S PAPI?
[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
ALICE!
HEY, ALICE!
ALICE! ALICE, OVER HERE!
ALICE, RIGHT?
FROM THE RADIO?
YEAH. YOU SCARED ME.
HERE I AM.
R-REALLY? YOU'RE...
PAPI.
I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN LOOKIN' FOR ME.
YOU'RE PAPI?
SI. THAT'S ME.
EXCUSE ME, HONEY.
ARE YOU ALICE "PISQUECKI"?
UH-HUH.
WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
SEE HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.
I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR PROGRAM
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
SHE'S BEEN WAITING HER WHOLE LIFE
TO BE DISCOVERED.
ALICE!
HELLO! OH!
MY WONDERFUL LADY, I AM PAPI--
[WOMAN INTERJECTS]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
SHE'S LOOKING FOR WOMEN, YOU IDIOTS.
WHY DON'T YOU FUCK OFF, EH?
WELL, I LOOK MORE WOMAN THAN...
[SPEAKING RAPID SPANISH]
YOU WANNA GO WITH ME?
BRING IT.
[ARGUING IN SPANISH]
I SUPPOSE SHE'S PAPI, TOO?
OH, WELL, "PAPI" MEANS "DADDY."
YOU GOING TO FIND A LOT OF PAPIS HERE TONIGHT.
AH-HA...
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
[♪]
♪ GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES ♪
♪ CHICKS DRIVING FAST INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES ♪
♪ WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE, LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE ♪
♪ THIS IS THE WAY IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪
♪ TALKING, LAUGHING LOVING, BREATHING ♪
♪ FIGHTING, FUCKING CRYING, DRINKING ♪
♪ WRITING, WINNING LOSING, CHEATING ♪
♪ KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING ♪
♪ THIS IS THE WAY... ♪
♪ IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE ♪
♪ AND LOVE ♪
HEY, IS THIS GARY DOUGLAS?
I-I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED GABE McCUTCHEON.
UM, UM...
SEE, I'M HIS DAUGHTER, AND I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT...
I KNOW, I-I TRIED THERE,
AND THEY SAID THEY HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE THE, UH...
RIGHT.
RIGHT, I UNDERSTAND,
BUT DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT KNOW ANYBODY ELSE
THAT COULD...
OKAY.
NO, UM, THANK YOU.
OKAY, BYE.
FUCK!
STILL NO LUCK, HUH?
NO.
YOU KNOW, I COULD DO A COMPUTER SEARCH IF YOU WANT.
I MEAN, THERE'S THIS GREAT NEW PROGRAM
FOR TRACKING DOWN MISSING PEOPLE.
IT ACCESSES POLICE RECORDS, AND...
I MEAN, I COULD LOOK FOR CARLA, TOO.
I HOPE IT WORKS.
JENNY, HE'S A SWEET KID.
I KNOW THAT HE'S A SWEET KID,
BUT THE THING IS, SHANE...
WHAT?
YOUR FRIENDS JUST MISS SEEING YOU.
JENNY, I HAVEN'T GONE ANYWHERE.
WELL, I THINK THAT YOU'RE HIDING.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE SORT OF DISTRACTING YOURSELF
BY TRYING TO GET THE KID OFF YOUR HANDS.
I'M SORRY.
BALLARD AND GAVIN HAVE THIS LITTLE REAL ESTATE DISPUTE
ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR.
GOOD MORNING, CHANCELLOR KROLL.
GOOD MORNING!
IT'S BEEN GOING ON SINCE BALLARD GOT TENURE--
PHYLLIS, DID YOU GET MY NEW BUDGET REQUEST?
I GOT IT, RANDY, THANKS.
I RECOMMEND YOU GIVE GAVIN SOME EXTRA STUDIO SPACE.
HI, CHANCELLOR KROLL!
GOOD MORNING TO YOU!
MORNING, CHANCELLOR KROLL.
I PUT HIM ON THE SELECTION COMMITTEE
TO CHOOSE THE ARCHITECT FOR THE NEW BUILDING.
HE SEEMS HAPPY.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR BUILDING.
WE'VE SET ASIDE THE OLD HUMANITIES DEPARTMENT
FOR YOUR NEW BUILDING.
NOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RAISE THE MONEY TO BUILD IT.
WELL, I'VE WORKED UP A LIST.
I DON'T SEE IT AS A HUGE CHALLENGE.
EXCELLENT.
HAVE WE TALKED ABOUT THE TRUSTEES' BRUNCH?
NEXT SATURDAY.
AT MY HOUSE.
MY HUSBAND MIGHT COME DOWN FOR IT.
HE'S AT STANFORD.
RIGHT,
THE DEAN OF THE SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING.
MM-HMM.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING HIM.
ANYWAY,
I'D LIKE YOU TO MAKE A LITTLE PRESENTATION,
JUST A FEW MINUTES ON YOUR GOALS,
THE WORLD-CLASS ARTISTS
YOU'LL BE BRINGING HERE TO TEACH,
HOW YOU'RE GOING TO RE-ESTABLISH
CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY AS A LEADER
IN FINE ARTS EDUCATION.
IN 50 WORDS OR LESS?
I THINK I CAN DO THAT, PHYLLIS.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, JUST BE SURE TO TELL THEM
YOU'LL BE DOING IT FOR ONE-THIRD
OF THE FORMER DEAN'S BUDGET.
[LAUGHS]
WE HAVE GOT A BRILLIANT GROUP
OF T.A. CANDIDATES
FOR YOU TO INTERVIEW, BETTE.
THANK YOU.
WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF COMPETITION.
YOU'RE THE MOST GLAMOROUS DEAN
THEY'VE HAD IN YEARS.
MATTHEW REESE WAS 85 AND BALD.
WELL, IT'S MORE ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND.
YOU SHOW "PROVOCATIONS" WAS A FLASHPOINT
FOR THEIR GENERATION.
THEY ALL STILL SEEM TO THINK
YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD THROUGH ART.
SO DO I.
GOOD MORNING, CHANCELLOR KROLL!
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN
THIS STEAMING PILE OF SHIT ON MY DESK?
MOST OF IT PREDATES ME.
I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE NINE MONTHS, AARON,
AND I HAD A MANDATE--
THERE'S A NEW MANDATE NOW, TINA,
AND THAT'S TO MAKE SHAOLIN
SYNONYMOUS WITH THE 18-TO-24 MARKET.
I NEED PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO ARE HIP TO THEIR TASTES,
WHO SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE,
WHO CAN DELIVER THE NEXT BRETT RATNER,
MARK LINDBERG.
TELL ME A MOVIE YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE.
TWISTED FOREST.
EVERY MONKEY IN THIS TOWN WANTS TO MAKE TWISTED FOREST.
THE OLD BIDDY WON'T SELL.
SHE HATES HOLLYWOOD.
YEAH, BUT SHE LOVES INDIAN CINEMA,
REALLY OBSCURE INDIAN CINEMA.
SHE'S A FREAK FOR SATYAJIT RAY,
AND WE TALKED FOR HOURS
ABOUT PATHER PANCHALI--
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU SPOKE TO HER?
MM-HMM.
SHE ALSO LOVES MIRA NAIR,
WHICH IS WHAT SEALED THE DEAL.
WE'RE GOING TO START
AS SOON AS MIRA WRAPS POST ON GANGSTA, MD.
SHE SOLD YOU THE RIGHTS?
WE'VE GOT TWISTED FOREST.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OKAY.
YOU GET TO STAY.
I NEED YOU TO DO ONE LAST THING FOR ME.
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH HELENA PEABODY?
SHE'S A REALLY GREAT GAL.
SHE HAS A BIG HEART--
AND A REALLY BIG BANK ACCOUNT,
AND SHE ALMOST RAN SHAOLIN INTO THE GROUND.
HERE'S WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO FOR ME.
HE SENT YOU TO FIRE ME?
I'M SORRY, HELENA.
IT WAS A POWER TRIP.
HE'S A SCUMBAG.
I SCUMBAG YOU'RE WORKING FOR.
WELL, I NEED MY JOB BACK.
I COULDN'T AFFORD TO TELL HIM TO GET FUCKED.
WELL...
WHY DID HE FIRE ME?
I THINK HE'S THREATENED BY YOU.
HE WANTS TO ESTABLISH HIMSELF AS THE BOSS,
AND HE'S AFRAID THAT EVERYONE'S GOING TO THINK
THAT HE WORKS FOR YOU.
[SIGHS]
OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN
THAT COMMENT YOU MADE ABOUT HIS MOVIE,
ZOMBIES ON A TRAIN,
AND HOW IT APPEALED TO THE PEOPLE
WITH THE INTELLECT OF A TROLL.
YEAH.
IF YOU HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE,
IF YOU LIKE TO SPEND QUALITY TIME
WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND,
VISIT YOUR MOTHER ON THE WEEKENDS,
GO TO THE GYM SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK
TO KEEP YOUR BODY FIT AND HEALTHY,
I RESPECT THAT.
I EVEN ENVY IT,
BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE GOING TO T.A. FOR ME,
YOU SHOULDN'T EXPECT TO HAVE A LIFE.
YOU'RE ONLY HERE
BECAUSE YOU ARE INTENSELY DRIVEN,
AND YOU ARE AS DETERMINED AS I AM
TO MAKE C.U. THE DESTINATION ART SCHOOL
AHEAD OF RISD AND YALE,
AND THE ONLY REASON
YOU CAN EVEN CONTEMPLATE
TAKING ON THIS ADDED RESPONSIBILITY
IN ADDITION TO YOUR ALREADY INSANE COURSE LOAD
AND THE HOURS YOU SPEND
IN YOUR GRADUATE STUDIO MAKING ART
IS THAT YOU ARE YOUNG ENOUGH
AND FOOLISH ENOUGH
TO THINK THAT YOU CAN GET BY
ON THREE HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT.
"TONIGHT, 10:00 P.M. I'LL BE THERE.
WILL YOU?"
OH, YEAH, SURE YOU WILL, PAPI.
YOU CALL YOUR COMPUTER "PAPI"?
OH, NO.
IT'S THIS GIRL ON OUR CHART.
PAPI.
YOU KNOW, SHE HAS MORE HITS THAN SHANE.
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
[LAUGHS]
OH, RIGHT.
STUCK IN THE FAR REACHES OF HETEROVILLE,
THAT'S RIGHT.
YES, IT'S SO SCARY.
OOH...
OOH, SCARY...
I THINK I REMEMBER YOU LURKING AROUND THERE
A COUPLE YEARS AGO.
BUT I DID COME TO MY SENSES.
SEE, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
HEY, GIRL.
KIT, HI! HOW ARE YOU?
OH, GIRL, I'M OKAY, THANK YOU.
OH, BUT I CAN TELL YOU,
I SURE WOULD HAVE LOVED
A LARGE GLASS OF RED WINE AFTERWARDS.
I SWEAR, I...
OH, I JUST FELT SO... SAD.
I'VE NEVER HAD AN ABORTION.
IT MUST BE REALLY HARD.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS THE REASON
WHY I HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE GETTING PREGNANT WITH ANGELICA.
I HAD TWO IN MY EARLY 20s.
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
AND NOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE ANGEL.
YEAH,
BUT ONLY 50% OF THE TIME.
AND HER OTHER MOTHER HAS HER
THE OTHER 50% OF THE TIME,
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
IT'S HARD ON BETTE, TOO, YOU KNOW.
OH...
AND ANGELICA MUST NEVER HEAR YOU SAY
THAT BETTE IS ANY LESS HER MOTHER THAN YOU ARE.
I KNOW. I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
I...
I KNOW.
IT'S FINE.
WELL, HOLY FUCK.
AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.
[TINA]: WOW. SHANE...
[KIT]: WELL, LOOK WHO FINALLY SHOWED UP.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
I WAS WONDERING WHEN SHE WOULD RE-EMERGE.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
HEY. PRETTY GOOD.
HEY.
LOOKS LIKE CARMEN FOUND YOU.
SO WHO'S THIS GENTLEMAN, HUH?
SHAY.
WELL, HI, SHAY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU HUNGRY?
WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE,
AND I'LL HOOK YOU UP,
AND YOU CAN TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS.
HEY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, YOU TOO.
IT WAS NICE GETTING TO KNOW YOU, ERIC.
WE'LL TALK SOON.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, DEAN PORTER.
SURE.
AND WHAT WAS THAT MATERIAL CALLED?
OH, SYNDECRETE.
IT'S AMAZING STUFF.
IT WAS DEVELOPED BY DAVID HERTZ.
RIGHT. I'LL LOOK INTO IT.
OKAY.
AND NEXT, WE HAVE...
NADIA.
DON'T TELL ME.
NADIA KARELLA.
THAT'S VERY GOOD, DEAN PORTER.
IT'S ITALIAN?
HAVE YOU HEARD BACK FROM FRANKLIN YET, JAMES?
OH, YEAH.
HE'S COMING TO THE PLANNING BRUNCH,
AND HE SAID HE'D BE HONORED
TO JOIN THE COMMITTEE.
IT'S GREEK.
IT'S MY STEPFATHER'S NAME.
OH, GREAT.
I LOVE GREECE.
I USED TO SPEND EVERY SUMMER IN MYKONOS.
A BUNCH OF ARTISTS AND COLLECTORS...
MY STEPFATHER HAS A HOUSE IN MYKONOS.
OH, GREAT.
COME ON IN.
SHAY, I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE
THESE FRENCH FRIES.
HUH?
YOU WANT SOME KETCHUP?
HEY, SHAY?
YOU DOING OKAY?
GOOD.
HELENA HATES ME, DOESN'T SHE?
NO, SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU,
BUT, YOU KNOW, APART FROM CARMEN,
SHE IS THE ONE WHO GOT HURT THE MOST.
YOU KNOW SHE'S MY ROOMMATE NOW?
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
WELL, THEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP TO HER?
YOU GOT $40 MILLION STASHED AWAY IN A SOCK?
WHAT?
I'M AN INDUSTRIAL DESIGN MAJOR.
I DID GRAPHIC DESIGN AS AN UNDERGRAD.
DR. KROLL, ACTUALLY,
REALLY, UH, LIKED THAT LAST ONE.
YOU DESIGNED THIS PROSPECTUS
FOR DR. KROLL?
MM-HMM.
YEAH, NO, SHE WENT ON AND ON
ABOUT HOW, UH,
IT WAS UTTERLY DISTINCTIVE,
BUT, UH, SHE HAD NO IDEA
THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY COMPLETELY DERIVATIVE.
OF LASZLO MOHOLY-NAGY.
WELL, THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.
I WAS INSPIRED BY YOUR SHOW
AT THE C.A.C.
YOU INTRODUCED ME TO MOHOLY-NAGY AND EL LISSITZKY.
SO YOU SAW THE CONSTRUCTIVISM SHOW?
IT BLEW ME AWAY.
I-I'D JUST ARRIVED IN L.A.,
AND I WAS ONE OF THOSE EAST COAST GIRLS
WHO, YOU KNOW, THINKS THAT CALIFORNIA
IS COMPLETELY DEVOID OF ANY SORT OF CULTURE.
WHICH IS AN OBSOLETE CLICHE.
RIGHT, NO, I KNOW.
I KNOW THAT NOW.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
WOW.
ARE YOU... ARE YOU AN ATHLETE?
NO.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE, UH...
BECAUSE YOU HAVE VERY BEAUTIFUL ARMS.
[LAUGHS]
UH...
I DO SOME...
YOU KNOW, JUST A LITTLE YOGA
EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY TIME
TO DO ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND WAS A PROFESSIONAL BOXER,
AND YOUR ARMS SORT OF
REMIND ME OF HERS.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, I'M NOT A BOXER,
SO I'D BETTER NOT GET IN THE RING WITH HER.
UH...
ANYWAY.
I HAVE TO MAKE A PRESENTATION AT THE TRUSTEES' BRUNCH,
AS YOU KNOW,
AND I WOULD LIKE TO USE A METAPHOR.
I WANT TO USE A METAPHOR ABOUT...
BEING IN A NEW PLACE, FULL OF WONDER,
AND THERE'S THIS COMIC.
IT'S A LITTLE BOY, AND IT'S HIS DREAMSCAPE,
AND THE DRAWINGS ARE JUST EXQUISITE,
BUT I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME
REMEMBER WHO DID THEM.
WINSOR MCCAY.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
LITTLE NEMO IN SLUMBERLAND.
YEAH,
IT'S REALLY GENIUS, ACTUALLY.
I THINK DR. KROLL WOULD LOVE THAT.
EVEN IF IT IS DERIVATIVE?
NO! GOD, NO, IT WOULDN'T BE.
I MEAN, BY THE TIME THAT WE WERE DONE WITH IT,
WE COULD JUST...
I-I... UH, WOW, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE PRESUMPTUOUS. I...
WELL, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE VERY PRESUMPTUOUS.
BUT WHY DON'T YOU COME IN TOMORROW MORNING,
AND WE'LL GET STARTED?
THEN I'VE...GOT THE JOB?
WELL, I'D LIKE TO WORK WITH YOU
ON THIS PRESENTATION,
AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES.
WHEN DO YOU WANT ME?
9:00.
I'LL BE HERE AT 8:30.
[SIGHS NERVOUSLY]
[KNOCKS]
THE REAL THING'S A BEAUTY.
PERFECT COMBINATION OF STEP LOCATION
AND ANGLES OF ATTACK.
AND I BET SHE HAS
THE MERCURY E.F.I. SUPER-VENTILATED, RIGHT?
IT WAS A CHOPPY DAY,
BUT I HAD HER UP TO 88 MPH
IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.
YOU'LL HAVE TO COME OUT WITH US
ONE WEEKEND.
YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT.
BROOKE, THIS IS MAX SWEENEY.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S SWEET.
I MADE A RESERVATION AT HANCOCK PARK.
I HOPE THAT'S OKAY?
OOPS, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
BROOKE'S A VEGETARIAN.
UM, DAD,
THAT WAS, LIKE, THREE YEARS AGO.
HANCOCK PARK SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
WELL, WHO CAN KEEP UP?
HERE, HONEY, LET ME TAKE THE FLOWERS.
AND HE SENT TINA TO DO IT?
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
SHE HAD NO CHOICE, REALLY.
OH, HELENA,
SHE'S A FUCKING COLLABORATOR.
IF SHE SAID NO TO THE GUY,
SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF A JOB
AND WOULD HAVE BEEN COMING AFTER YOU
FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS,
DO YOU REALLY THINK TINA WOULD DO THAT?
COME ON.
SHE'D BE ENTITLED TO IT.
I'M SORRY, BETTE, BUT UNDER THE LAW,
SHE WOULD, WOULDN'T SHE?
OH, PROBABLY.
PROBABLY.
SPEAKING OF THE LAW, SHANE...
WHAT?
WHAT'S THE LAW HAVE TO DO WITH HIM?
[BETTE]: WELL, THERE'S SCHOOL, FOR ONE.
[HELENA]: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S ILLEGAL TO KEEP A CHILD OUT OF SCHOOL.
WELL, LET THEM ARREST ME.
WELL, HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT PLACEMENT?
IN L.A., THEY HAVE THESE SERVICES.
YOU MEAN FOSTER CARE?
SHANE, I KNOW YOU'VE HAD
SOME REALLY WHACK PERSONAL EXPERIENCES,
BUT WHAT ABOUT PRIVATE SOCIAL SERVICES?
I MEAN, FOR KIDS THAT DON'T HAVE FAMILIES--
HEY, SHAY...
HOW'D YOU LIKE YOUR CAKE?
HEY, DID YOU FINISH YOUR MILKSHAKE?
I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP.
OH, UM...
LOOK, THE BATHROOM'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
[HELENA]: SHANE...
WHAT?
YOU SHOULD GO WITH HIM.
WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
HOLD HIS HAIR.
HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY HAIR.
WOULD YOU JUST GO.
MAN, IS THAT A FUCKIN' DISASTER.
SHE'S SO NOT READY FOR THIS.
I WISH CARMEN WAS HERE TO HELP HER.
YEAH, BUT SHE WASN'T READY
FOR CARMEN EITHER.
THIS GIRL THAT I GO TO SCHOOL WITH,
SHE WAS ATTACKED,
AND IT WAS, LIKE,
ALL OVER THE NEWS AND EVERYTHING.
THE GUY WAS BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES.
EVERYONE KNEW HE DID IT,
AND HE STILL GOT THE REYNOLDS GRANT
OVER MY FRIEND SARAH.
YEAH,
AND I BET ALL THE FRAT GUYS GATHERED AROUND
AND SAID THE GIRL WAS ASKING FOR IT, RIGHT?
YEAH, EVEN SOME OF THE GIRLS SAID IT,
OR AT LEAST, THEY DIDN'T STAND UP FOR HER.
BUT WHEN YOU FEEL POWERLESS, I MEAN...
GIRLS SOMETIMES BETRAY EACH OTHER
JUST TO KEEP THEIR CONNECTION TO THEIR MAN,
BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE
WITHOUT A CONNECTION TO SOME MAN,
THEY'RE TOTALLY CUT OFF FROM POWER,
WHICH I IMAGINE IS, LIKE, REALLY SCARY.
YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT?
I'VE JUST NEVER MET A GUY WHO UNDERSTOOD THAT,
LET ALONE CARED.
WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?
MONSIEUR?
YOU TRY.
[♪]
[PATRONS CONVERSE QUIETLY IN SPANISH]
THAT LADY MUST BE LOST, EH?
SHE'S NOT LOST. SHE'S LOOKING FOR ME.
YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY?
I AM,
BUT I THINK I MIGHT HAVE BEEN SENT
ON ANOTHER WILD GOOSE CHASE.
DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY BY THE NAME OF...
PAPI?
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR PAPI?
YOU SURE?
OKAY.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
THANK YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
MM...
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS,
BUT I'M REALLY SICK OF THESE GAMES,
AND I'M NOT GOING TO--
WHERE?
OKAY.
HOLA, MAMASITA--
HEY, DON'T EVEN!
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
OH, FUCK YOU!
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW]
OH, GOD...
OKAY...
WHAT'S THE PLAN?
ARE YOU TAKING ME TO PAPI?
I AIN'T GOT NO PLAN, BABY.
IT'S YOU WHO WANTED TO SEE ME.
[♪]
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR AGREEING TO SIT DOWN WITH ME.
I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A WRITING DEADLINE.
YEAH, I'M, UH,
I'M SUPPOSED TO HAND IN MY STORY
FOR THE NEW YORKER
TO MY AGENT TOMORROW,
SO I'M JUST, LIKE...
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU KNOW, I DID A STORY FOR THE NEW YORKER
LAST YEAR.
I KNOW. I READ IT, AND I LOVED IT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FANTASTIC.
THAT'S WHY I SAID
I WANTED TO DO THE INTERVIEW WITH YOU.
WELL, I MEAN, NOT SPECIFICALLY
BECAUSE YOU WROTE FOR THE NEW YORKER, BUT...
ANYWAY.
[LAUGHS POLITELY]
UM, I TOLD THE PUBLICIST
THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE GAY PRESS AFTER THIS.
WELL, THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE GHETTOIZED
AS A LESBIAN WRITER.
WELL, NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A LESBIAN,
BUT GHETTOIZED
AS A LESBIAN WRITER, A MEMOIRIST... YOU KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO BE JENNY.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT HAPPY
UNLESS I'M QUALIFIED WITH AT LEAST FIVE THINGS.
WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE THINGS?
UM... PUSSY-CHASING--
[GASPS MOCKINGLY]
...CUNT-ENTHUSIAST, HALF BUJEW--
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT'S "BUJEW?"
BUJEW.
BUJEW...
IT IS HALF JEWISH, BUT PRACTICING BUDDHIST.
I'M JEWISH!
NICE! YES.
ROCK ON.
[LAUGHS]
JEWISH SISTERHOOD.
WAY TO GO.
[LAUGHING]
JEWISH LESBIANS...
BUT, ANYWAY,
THE REASON THAT I CHOOSE TO WRITE FOR CURVE MAGAZINE
IS BECAUSE THEY LET ME PICK THE BOOKS THAT I REVIEW,
AND I ONLY REVIEW BOOKS
THAT HOLD A REAL SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.
WHY DOES SOME OF HER PARTS HOLD SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU?
MY PARTNER'S A SURVIVOR.
OH, WOW.
HEY, PAPI!
HEY, AMIGOS!
HEY!
[WHISTLING AND CHEERS]
HEY...
HEY, EVERYONE!
PAPI'S IN THE HOUSE!
PAPI!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
HERE, TRY THIS, TRY THIS.
AH?
YOU KNOW SHE LIKES IT, RIGHT?
ME GUSTA.
COME ON, GIRL.
AH, WHAT'S UP?
HEY, EVERYONE, PAPI'S IN THE HOUSE!
[LOUD AND CHEERFUL GREETINGS]
HEY!
[INDISTINCT GREETING]
[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]
ALICIA!
YES!
HEY...
OH...
MUCHO GUSTO.
OH, WOW, THANK YOU.
WOW.
[LAUGHS]
PAPI, HUH?
A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW YOU HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU,
LIKE, THE POPE OF EAST L.A.?
ACTUALLY, IT'S PRONOUNCED PAPI.
WHAT?
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE MORE LATINA
THAN YOUR TONGUE IS USED TO, CHICA.
HERE, LET ME HELP YOU TO SAY MY NAME RIGHT.
YOU MIGHT NEED IT LATER.
SO, AH...
OH... AH...
PI. PI. OH...
PAPI. PAPI.
MORE BETTER, GIRLIE.
MUCH MORE BETTER.
NOW, WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH, HUH?
NOT A LOT OF LADIES PUT AN APB OUT ON ME
OVER THE RADIO.
MOSTLY IT'S THEIR BOYFRIENDS COMIN' AFTER ME.
OH, WELL, I HOPE I DIDN'T PUT YOU IN A BAD POSITION, OR...
FUCK, NO, MAN, I'M HONORED.
HEY, CAN I...
WOULD YOU MIND IF I TAPE RECORDED THIS?
NO?
GREAT.
GREAT...
UH, INTERVIEW...
UM, WEB-FAMOUS PAPI, UM...
PAPI.
HOLA, ANITA!
WE'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE PITCHERS,
POR FAVOR.
SO, WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT PAPI, HUH?
WELL, PAPI...
[CHUCKLES]
YOU... HAVE BECOME SORT OF A LEGEND
IN ABOUT, UH, TWO DAYS
ON MY WEBSITE.
YOU CRASHED MY WHOLE SERVER.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'VE BEEN BLESSED.
SEEMS THE LADIES LIKE ME AS MUCH AS I LIKE THEM.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A HELL OF A LOT OF LADIES.
LIKE I SAID.
I'VE BEEN BLESSED.
A LOT.
RIGHT, BUT...
WHY-- WHY DO YOU THINK THAT HAPPENS TO YOU?
IT'S NOT SOMETHING I DO, GIRL.
I DON'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SAY,
"I'M GONNA GET ME SOME PUSSY TODAY."
WELL, SOMETIMES, BUT...
OKAY, ME TOO.
YEAH?
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I JUST... I JUST DO MY THING.
I LIVE MY LIFE,
AND MY LIFE HAS GIRLS IN IT.
MM...
MM-HMM,
BUT HERE'S THE QUESTION, PAPI...
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY FLOCK TO YOU?
YOU KNOW?
LOVE, I GUESS.
THEY KNOW I LOVE THEM.
REALLY?
YEAH. REALLY, PAPI?
ALL OF THEM?
MM-HMM.
I LOVE THEIR VOICES.
I LOVE THEIR EYES.
THEIR HAIR,
THEIR CURVES, THEIR BODIES...
[GIGGLES AWKWARDLY]
THEIR LAUGHTER.
THE SADNESS,
THE WETNESS.
SEE, EVERYTHING ABOUT A WOMAN, I LOVE.
TOUCHING THEM,
FEELING THEIR SKIN AGAINST MINE,
MAKING THEM FEEL GOOD...
MM...
SEE, I RESPECT THEM,
AND I RESPECT MYSELF,
AND, UH...
AND WHAT?
THEY LIKE THE WAY I KISS.
I CAN MAKE A WOMAN COME
JUST BY KISSING HER.
WELL, I HOPE I DIDN'T BORE YOU TO TEARS.
YOU DIDN'T BORE ME AT ALL.
I DIDN'T SHUT UP.
YOU KNOW
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT ME, AND...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU COME FROM.
I COME FROM WILMETTE.
IT'S IN ILLINOIS, OUTSIDE CHICAGO.
DO YOUR PARENTS STILL LIVE THERE?
DO YOU HAVE ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS?
WHY DON'T WE SAVE ALL THAT STUFF
FOR THE SECOND DATE?
[GIGGLES]
OH, SHIT.
CLASSIC.
YOU'D THINK I WAS 17.
[GIGGLES]
I DON'T THINK THAT
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
REALLY?
[GIGGLES]
SO YOU'VE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT
WITH YOUR TONGUE DOWN SOME GIRL'S THROAT?
WELL, MY PARENTS...
YOU KNOW, THEY WEREN'T THAT STRICT, SO..
WELL, YOU'RE A BOY.
AND I WAS ALWAYS KIND OF A GOOD KID.
OH, YOU WERE, WERE YOU?
YEAH.
WELL, LET ME TEACH YOU HOW TO BE BAD.
GO ON.
GET INSIDE.
CALL ME?
I MIGHT...
BE ABLE TO WAIT TILL TOMORROW, BUT...
I'M GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT YOU
ALL NIGHT.
UM... I DIDN'T WANT THE BOYS TO COME ACROSS
AS ONE-DIMENSIONAL MONSTERS,
AND WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SHOW
IS THAT I THINK THAT, IN OUR CULTURE,
THAT SOMETIMES BOYS ARE CONDONED FOR THEIR ACTIONS,
AND THE MESSAGE IS, "GO AHEAD, RAPE THESE GIRLS.
THE GIRLS ARE FOR RAPING."
WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT THE REAL MONSTERS IN YOUR BOOK
ARE YOUR PARENTS.
NO.
I MEAN, I DIDN'T WANT MY PARENTS TO COME ACROSS AS EVIL.
I LOVE MY PARENTS SO MUCH.
YOU KNOW, AND WHEN THAT...
THING HAPPENED,
THEY WERE JUST DEVASTATED,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK, AS ADULTS,
THEY HAD THE POWER TO HELP ME OVERCOME IT,
AND THEY CHOSE NOT TO,
AND INSTEAD, IT FESTERED INTO A PATHOLOGY,
AND I THINK THE SUM OF IT
MADE ME PRETTY DYSFUNCTIONAL, YOU KNOW.
IT PROBABLY MADE ME
INTO THE DYSFUNCTIONAL LIAR THAT I WAS
FOR MOST OF MY YOUNG ADULT LIFE.
YOU KNOW...
THAT'S A VERY BRAVE THING TO ADMIT ABOUT YOURSELF, JENNY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I THINK THAT'S WHY I WRITE.
BECAUSE...
YOU JUST WANT TO GET ALL OF THIS STUFF OUT.
[SIGHS]
WOW...
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER OPENED LIKE THIS
TO SOMEONE BEFORE.
YOU'VE MADE ME FEEL VERY SAFE.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
WOW...
FANCY.
WHAT, DOES THAT MAKE THE BED POP OUT?
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
NICE BEATS.
YEAH? YEAH, GOOD BEATS.
THIS MAKES THE BED POP OUT.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
[♪]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
PAPI?
MM?
UM...
WELL, I-- I JUST, UH...
I JUST FEEL LIKE MAYBE...
I FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE MOVING A LITTLE FAST.
WE NEED TIME FOR THE FULL TOUR.
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU PLACES
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE.
OH...
I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT, PAPI.
[♪]
HOW ABOUT THAT?
YOU LIKE THAT?
[GASPS]
WOW...
[SIGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CIRCLES.
MAGIC CIRCLES.
CIRCLES.
CIRCLES ARE GOOD, RIGHT?
OH, YEAH, CIRCLES ARE GOOD.
UH-HUH.
YEAH, CIRCLES.
OH, WOW, CIRCLES.
YOU LIKE THAT?
OH, YEAH, I THINK I REALLY LIKE CIRCLES.
OH, WOW...
YEAH, CIRCLES.
CIRCLES ARE GREAT, PAPI.
CIRCLES ARE REALLY GREAT, PAPI.
[LAUGHS]
OH, PAPI...
HERE, GIRL.
OH, MY GOD, PAPI.
PAPI...
PAPI!
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
[KNOCKS]
HEY, COME ON IN.
[SIGHS]
I FEEL LIKE I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE.
YOU'RE SO BUSY.
I SAW YOU EARLIER THIS EVENING.
OH, IT WAS JUST A FEELING.
I'M ALLOWED MY-- MY FEELINGS, AREN'T I?
[SNIFFLES]
WHAT'S WRONG?
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
WHERE'S ANGUS?
[SIGHS]
I FEEL SO DAMN GUILTY.
KIT, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE CLEAR ABOUT THIS.
YOU SAID THAT YOU AND ANGUS BOTH AGREED
THIS WAS THE RIGHT DECISION.
IT WAS THE RIGHT DECISION,
BUT I FEEL SO SAD FOR ANGUS.
HE'S TRYING TO BE REAL BRAVE ABOUT IT,
BUT I KNOW HE FEELS SO SAD.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[SNIFFLES]
YOU KNOW, KIT, YOU CAN BE SAD FOR YOURSELF, TOO.
[SIGHS]
I'M JUST GLAD HE'S NOT HERE
TO SEE ME BEING THIS SAD,
BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY MAKE HIM SADDER.
YOU THINK MAYBE I CAN HAVE...
[SIGHS]
...HAVE A LITTLE HUG?
[PATS HER LAP]
[SNIFFLING]
OH, WOW...
HOW DO YOU SAY, "I'M DONE" IN SPANISH?
YOU'RE NOT DONE.
NO? MM-MM.
OH, PAPI!
PAPI!
THAT'S HOW YOU SAY MY NAME, GIRL.
[MOANING]
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
OH...
WHOO!
[LAUGHING]
WOW...
OKAY, WELL,
DO YOU WANT TO COME IN, OR...
OH, NO, NO, NO,
THANKS, THOUGH,
BUT IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
RULE NUMBER ONE--
PAPI DOESN'T DO BREAKFAST.
OH, OKAY.
WELL, IT WAS FUN.
I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME.
SO DID I.
YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD I FOUND YOU.
OKAY...
ALL RIGHT, ALICE.
SEE YOU AROUND.
OKAY.
WHOO!
WELL, WELL, WELL,
SOMEONE HAD A BUSY NIGHT.
YEAH, I WAS WORKING.
WORKING?
YEAH, WORKING PRETTY HARD.
[CHUCKLES]
ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU.
SEE YOU LATER!
OKAY.
OH, MY GOD.
REALLY?
REALLY, PAPI?
WOW.
THAT GIRL DOES NOT QUIT.
IT'S KIND OF FREAKING ME OUT.
I MEAN, SHE IS THE BOSS' DAUGHTER,
AND I'M NOT EVEN OUT AT WORK.
SO YOU SHOULD COME OUT.
HEY, IS IT CURVEMAG.COM OR .NET?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
COMING OUT FOR ME--
IT'S NOT THE SAME AS IT IS FOR YOU.
HMM.
SHE SAID THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE OUT
FIRST THING THIS MORNING,
SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T FIND IT,
BECAUSE WHEN SHE CALLED ME TO GET SOME COMMENTS,
SHE SAID THE REVIEW WAS ALREADY DONE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO LET ME READ THE REVIEWS
BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT THEM.
NO, I DON'T NEED TO WITH THIS ONE.
WE HAD THIS UNDERSTANDING,
AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT HAPPENS
WHEN TWO GAY WOMEN SPEAK TO EACH OTHER.
OH, YAY!
HERE IT IS. OKAY, READY?
JENNIFER SCHECTER, SOME OF HER PARTS.
OKAY, READY?
"JENNIFER SCHECTER'S
"AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL EXAMINATION
"OF HER VIOLATED CHILDHOOD
"IS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT, SELF-INDULGENT,
AND SELF-PITYING"?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS RIGHT NOW.
"SCHECTER IS AN UNDISCIPLINED WRITER
"WHO APPLIES A SLOPPY SOLIPSISTIC LOGIC
"TO AN UNDISCIPLINED LIFE.
"HER CENTRAL THESIS
"THAT CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE IS BOTH A CAUSE
"AND AN EXCUSE
"FOR DECEITFUL ADULT BEHAVIOR
"IS BOTH INSULTING AND DANGEROUS TO THOSE MYRIAD WOMEN
WHO HAVE SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF PREDATORY MEN."
HMM.
OKAY.
C'EST LA VIE.
FUCK YOU, STACEY MERKIN!
FUCK YOU!
JENNY, COME ON, THE KID'S HERE.
OH, MY GOD, MY BAG!
I WAS WAIT-LISTED FOR THIS BAG!
OKAY, WE'RE CLEANING IT UP.
IT'S OKAY, RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT?
NOTHING.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I SPILLED.
OH, UH, OKAY.
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT STACEY MERKIN
REVEALED HERSELF TO BE A TRUE CUNT--
HEY!
PLEASE.
AND SHE USED HER GAYNESS
TO GET ME TO OPEN UP,
AND THE THING IS, SHAY,
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO THE FUCKING--
SECOND TIME.
...INTERVIEW
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
ARE YOU DONE?
YEAH.
SHAY... SHAY...
LISTEN, THERE'S MAC AND CHEESE
IN THE FREEZER, ALL RIGHT?
AND IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE BACK FOR LUNCH,
JENNY'S GOING TO HELP YOU WITH THE STOVE.
OKAY?
OKAY.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
HAVE FUN.
YOU WATCH IT.
SHAY, SAY,
"STACEY MERKIN'S A FUCKING CUNT."
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
BECAUSE STACEY MERKIN'S A FUCKING CUNT.
NO, HE'S NOT GOING TO SAY IT.
SAY IT, SAY IT. HAVE A GREAT DAY, JENNY.
STACEY MERKIN'S A FUCKING CUNT.
HEY, DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?
JESUS... OH, NADIA.
I'M SORRY, I-- I'M JUST SO EXCITED.
I FOUND THE BOOK,
AND IT IS FANTASTIC.
HEADS-WILL-ROLL IS GOING TO LOVE IT.
"HEADS-WILL-ROLL?"
EVC KROLL.
WE CALL HER HEADS-WILL-ROLL KROLL
BECAUSE SHE FIRES AT LEAST ONE DEAN A YEAR.
OH. LOOK AT THIS.
OKAY, AS YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE ORIGINAL.
MM-HMM.
BUT WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS C.U.
MM...
AND I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU LITTLE NEMO,
BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR DREAM
FOR THE FUTURE OF THE SCHOOL OF THE ARTS.
NO...
NO, LITTLE NEMO IS A STUDENT.
MAKE IT A BOY,
BECAUSE MOST OF THE TRUSTEES ARE MEN,
AND THEY'RE SO SENTIMENTAL
ABOUT THEIR BOYHOODS,
AND I WANT YOU TO FOCUS
ON THE SCHOOL OF THE ARTS,
BUT I ALSO WANT YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THE OTHER DEPARTMENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY.
LIKE, MAKE THIS PHYSICS, AND...
MAKE THIS ATHLETICS.
OKAY?
WOW.
YOU...
YOU'RE AMAZING.
UH, PRESTON,
I WAS JUST COMING TO SEE YOU.
WELL, GOOD WORK, NADIA.
SO YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS?
YES, ABSOLUTELY, I DO.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY...
CAN I CALL YOU BETTE?
SHE COULD CALL ME
ANYTHING SHE WANTS.
"DEAN PORTER" IS JUST FINE.
HEY, MARTA?
CAN YOU GET MY LITTLE BROTHER A SMOOTHIE OR SOMETHING?
A SMOOTHIE?
YES, A SMOOTHIE.
IS IT SO HARD TO GET THE KID A FUCKING SMOOTHIE?
MARTA, DON'T GIVE ME SHIT.
JUST GET ME A SMOOTHIE.
SHANE, YOUR NEXT CLIENT'S STILL WAITING,
AND CAN I GET YOUR SIGNATURE ON THIS THING?
JODI LERNER'S GOING TO BE HERE IN THREE WEEKS.
IT'S SUCH A COUP,
GETTING HER AS AN ARTIST-IN-RESIDENCE.
I LOVE IT.
I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TRY TO COAX
LEE BONTECOU OR JOHN BALDESSARI.
AND ED RUSCHA. HE OWES ME A FAVOR.
I ALSO HAVE A LIST OF ALL OF OUR EQUIPMENT NEEDS,
BECAUSE IF WE'RE TO BE TRULY COMPETITIVE
WITH THE REST OF THE TOP TIER...
PHYLLIS?
I'M SORRY. GO ON.
YEAH.
IF WE'RE TO BE TRULY COMPETITIVE
WITH THE REST OF THE TOP TIER,
THEN WE'LL NEED TO UPGRADE
OUR DIGITAL MEDIA RESOURCES.
I'VE BEEN MARRIED 23 YEARS, BETTE.
I HAVE TWO CHILDREN.
THEY'RE BOTH GONE AWAY TO COLLEGE.
ARE YOU OKAY, PHYLLIS?
ARE YOUR CHILDREN OKAY?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE CONVICTION
YOU'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
NO.
ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T.
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE COURAGEOUS.
YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE BOLDLY, HONESTLY.
I WISH I COULD TAKE YOUR EXAMPLE.
PHYLLIS, YOU ARE A WOMAN OF INCREDIBLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
I CANNOT POSSIBLY SEE--
I THINK I'M A LESBIAN, BETTE.
OH.
[INHALES]
[BREATHES OUT SLOWLY]
IN FACT, I KNOW I AM.
I'VE KNOWN IT
SINCE I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE.
MM...
WE DIDN'T ACT ON IT.
I WAS TOO AFRAID.
[VOICE BREAKING]: IT DIDN'T FIT IN WITH MY LIFE.
GOSH...
I WONDER WHERE SHE IS.
I WONDER IF SHE EVEN REMEMBERS.
I JUST CAN'T KEEP THIS INSIDE ANYMORE, BETTE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I-- NO...
WAIT, NO, NO, I DON'T.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I HAVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT THESE FEELINGS.
I HAVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT WHAT I'VE MISSED.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU...
WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO SOMEONE?
I MEAN, MAYBE A THERAPIST, OR...
I'VE BEEN LYING TO MY THERAPIST FOR YEARS.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, BETTE.
ME?
WHY ME?
BECAUSE YOU SEEM SO COMFORTABLE WITH IT.
YOU...
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
YOU SEEM SO FULFILLED,
AND I HAVE TO KNOW HOW YOU'VE DONE THAT.
IT'S A PROCESS, PHYLLIS.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T ALWAYS EASY.
GOD, I SURE AS HELL HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR ME.
DO YOU... DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME?
[SIGHS]
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE, PHYLLIS.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
WHERE IS SHE?
I WANT HER TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE,
AND SAY ALL OF THIS TO MY FACE.
SHE'S A FREELANCE WRITER.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE AN OFFICE HERE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JOLEEN.
JOLEEN, YOU'RE A LIAR...
BECAUSE I CAN SEE RIGHT HERE.
I SEE THAT STACEY MERKIN IS IN SUITE 293,
AND I'M GOING TO GO TO HER OFFICE RIGHT NOW!
I TOLD YOU,
SHE'S NOT HERE!
SHE COMES IN ONCE A WEEK FOR A STAFF MEETING.
OH, YEAH?
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, JOLEEN.
DID YOU READ THAT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT REVIEW
THAT SHE WROTE ABOUT ME
IN YOUR LITTLE MAGAZINE CALLED CURVE?
BECAUSE, ACTUALLY,
I GOT A RAVE REVIEW IN PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY MAGAZINE.
CAN YOU JUST LOOK UP MY REVIEW, PLEASE?
JUST PUBLISHERSWEEKLY.COM.
JENNIFER SCHECTER.
GOOD FOR YOU, JENNIFER,
BUT THEN YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT
WHAT SHE WROTE IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT MAGAZINE.
WELL, I DO GIVE A SHIT,
BECAUSE I THINK SHE SHOULD BE FIRED!
I THINK SHE USED DUPLICITOUS METHODS
TO GET ME TO OPEN UP.
DUPLICITOUS?
YES, SHE USED HER SEXUAL ORIENTATION
AND HER GAYNESS
TO GET ME TO OPEN UP,
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT "MERKIN" MEANS, JOLEEN?
VAGINA WIG.
THAT'S WHAT HER NAME MEANS.
SHAME ON YOU
FOR NOT CORRECTING HER SLOPPY SYNTAX AND GRAMMAR.
SHANE?
YEAH.
I NEED YOU TO COME AND CHECK THIS OUT.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT?
OH, SHIT, SHAY...
UM...
OKAY, UM, HEY, MARTA?
MARTA?
WOULD YOU GET ME A MOP, PLEASE?
HEY, SHAY?
SHAY, DON'T WORRY, OKAY?
DON'T SWEAT IT. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
SHANE! WHAT?
THE DYE'S ALL FUCKED UP. LOOK AT THIS.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'LL MIX SOME MORE.
JUST TAKE A FUCKIN' PILL, OKAY?
I'LL HELP YOU.
HEY, MARTA,
WILL YOU TELL MY BROTHER TO COME BACK IN?
THANK YOU.
HEY, MARTA...
MARTA...
DID YOU ASK MY BROTHER
TO COME BACK IN?
HE LEFT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, HE LEFT?
HE JUST WALKED OUT THE DOOR.
HE'S NINE.
JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT, IS LIFE SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU?
YOU'RE FIRED.
AGAIN?
SHAY!
SHANE SOUNDED REALLY UPSET.
HERE SHE IS.
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN MISSING?
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
MY FUCKING WORTHLESS ASSISTANT SAID
HE COULD BE WANDERING AROUND ROBERTSON,
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY, WELL, WE'LL CHECK ON THESE STREETS,
AND THEN WE'LL HEAD OVER TO THE BEVERLY CENTER, OKAY?
WE CAN CHECK OUT THE PARK.
OKAY.
WE NEED MORE PEOPLE.
I CAN'T GET THROUGH TO HELENA.
ME AND JENNY CAN GO TO THE SKATE PARK
AND CHECK IT OUT, RIGHT?
YEAH, AND WE'LL ASK EVERYBODY IF THEY'VE SEEN HIM.
AND HAVE YOU FILED A POLICE REPORT YET?
NO, NO, NO, BUT KIT SAID SHE WAS GOING TO.
SO WILL YOU JUST CALL ME AND LET ME KNOW?
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
OKAY, BYE.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
BYE.
DON'T WORRY, SHANE, WE'LL FIND HIM!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, NO...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED A PICTURE OF HIM?
NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T HAVE A PICTURE OF HIM.
I HAVEN'T KNOWN HIM FOR THAT LONG!
[PHONE BEEPS]
FUCKIN' MORON.
[HONKING]
AND WHAT ARE YOU, FUCKING BLIND?
HEY, LET'S ASK THIS GUY.
HEY, BUDDY!
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN A KID AROUND HERE?
LIKE, NINE YEARS OLD.
HE HAS BROWN HAIR AND BLUE EYES,
AND HE WAS WEARING, LIKE, A GRAY SWEATSHIRT.
NAH, SORRY.
HOW OLD DID YOU SAY YOU WERE AGAIN?
I'LL BE 10 IN NOVEMBER.
10, HUH?
SO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO 10-YEAR-OLD BOYS
THAT RUN AWAY,
DON'T YOU?
NOW...
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
SHAY?
MS. McCUTCHEON...
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD...
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?
IT'S JUST LUCKY IT WAS ME THAT PICKED HIM UP
AND NOT SOME WHACKO.
I'M SORRY.
HAD A HARD TIME FINDING YOUR NUMBER
TO YOUR STORE.
HE TOLD ME THE NAME OF IT.
WAX-- I THOUGHT IT WAS A FLOOR-SHINING PLACE
OR SOMETHING.
DON'T EVER RUN AWAY FROM ME AGAIN.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
WHERE DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO GO?
HOME.
[SIGHS]
LOOK...
I'M YOUR HOME NOW, OKAY?
AND WE BOTH HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT.
OKAY?
THANK YOU.
[BETTE SIGHS]
THIS IS CRAZY.
WE ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND HIM HERE.
I KNOW.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
OH, IT'S SHANE.
HEY, SHANE...
HEY, BUDDY, HOW'S IT--
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS...
SHE FOUND HIM?
THAT'S GREAT!
WOW...
OKAY, YEAH.
WE'LL JUST SEE YOU BACK AT THE HOUSE.
YEAH, TAKE YOUR TIME.
YEAH, GET HIM A BIG BURGER.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
OKAY, SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY, BYE.
WOW.
OH, THANK GOD, THANK GOD.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
[SIGHS]
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
[WOMAN SIGHS]
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
[SIGHS BREATHLESSLY]
FANTASTIC.
WHO'S THAT?
UM...
THAT'S UH...
PAPI.
[SIGHS BREATHLESSLY]
SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME BACK
FOR A NIGHTCAP?
UH...
RULE NUMBER TWO--
NEVER GO HOME WITH A GIRL
WHOSE ROOMMATE YOU JUST POPPED
THAT SAME MORNING.
BUT, UH...
THANKS FOR THE OFFER.
[♪]
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY:
LINE 21 MEDIA SERVICES LTD. VANCOUVER, B.C. 2006