[**]
OH, MY GOODNESS!
[JENNY]: YOU WANT TO COME TO L.A. WITH ME?
NOBODY MAKES ME WET LIKE THAT.
[**]
WE WANT TO PUBLISH YOUR BOOK.
[SHRIEKING AND CHEERING]
I CHEATED ON YOU. WHEN?
AFTER YOU FUCKED CHERIE JAFFE.
[SHOUTING]
[**]
WOULD YOU MARRY ME?
AND I AM ALICE PIESZECKI ON KCRW. WELCOME BACK.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
THE CONNECTION
BETWEEN LOVE AND THE SENSES.
WE ARE TRYING TO REKINDLE THE SEXUAL SPARK
IN THIS LONGTERM RELATIONSHIP.
I JUST HAVE ALL OF THESE FEELINGS...
FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT?
FEELINGS ABOUT MEN.
[BETTE]: I WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CHILD?
WHO ARE YOU?
HER AUNT, KIT PORTER.
[ANGUS]: I'VE NEVER FELL THIS HARD FOR A WOMAN
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I'M PREGNANT.
[**]
[MAX]: I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE IN THIS BODY.
SO I'VE DECIDED TO TRANSITION FROM FEMALE TO MALE.
WHEN YOU GET THE BODY YOU NEED,
WHO'S GOING TO LIVE INSIDE OF IT?
IF YOU THINK MEN ARE THE ENEMY, THEN YOU AND I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT REAL, TRUE CONNECTION
AMONG HUMAN BEINGS
IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE.
SHANE IS GOING TO OREGON CITY
TO SEE GABRIEL McCUTCHEON.
WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME WITH ME FOR DINNER?
BE A GOOD TIME TO MEET CARLA AND SHAY.
I KNEW YOU WERE HIS DAUGHTER. YOU HAVE HIS GENES.
LOOK AT ALL THREE OF YOU.
I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT WEEK.
I'D LIKE FOR YOU GUYS TO BE THERE.
THIS IS CARMEN'S FRIEND HELENA.
SHE'S THE ONE
THAT INVITED US ALL
AND PAID FOR OUR PLANE TICKETS
AND OUR HOTEL ROOMS.
I'M CUTTING YOU OFF FINANCIALLY.
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS?
YOU NEED TO KNOW
THAT PEOPLE LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU'RE PENNILESS.
TODAY ON THE CHART, WE'RE LOOKING AT
HOW DO YOU END A VICIOUS CYCLE?
WELL, SHANE'S FATHER
LEFT HIS WIFE AND RAN OFF WITH SOME FLOOZY.
[GABRIEL]: I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST WHO I AM.
I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
SHE SAID THAT
SHE DOESN'T EXPECT YOU TO FORGIVE HER.
SHE'S NOT PROUD OF THIS.
IT'S JUST WHO SHE IS.
[SOBBING]
[TINA]: I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO ADOPT MY DAUGHTER.
HENRY AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT STARTING A FAMILY,
AND WE WANT ANGELICA TO BE A FULL PART OF THAT.
DON'T DO THIS.
I'M WARNING YOU.
WHERE ARE THEY?
FUCK YOU, BETTE.
BETTE, IT'S TINA.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
ANGELICA AND MAMA B.,
WE'RE JUST GOING TO GO FOR A LITTLE ADVENTURE
UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO NEXT.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
[**]
* GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES *
* CHICKS DRIVING FAST INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES *
* WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE, LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE *
* THIS IS THE WAY IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* TALKING, LAUGHING LOVING, BREATHING *
* FIGHTING, FUCKING CRYING, DRINKING *
* WRITING, WINNING LOSING, CHEATING *
* KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING
* THIS IS THE WAY...
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE
* AND LOVE
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[ALICE]: YEAH, IT'S OPEN. COME IN.
STILL NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S WORTH A TRY.
SHE CAN'T BE FAR.
IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 24 HOURS.
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST DO IT.
WHERE'S LARA?
SHE LEFT THIS MORNING.
DID SHE TAKE THAT JOB IN SAN FRANCISCO?
YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT? IT'S A GREAT GIG.
IT'S A FOUR-STAR HOTEL.
SHE'LL HAVE HER OWN KITCHEN.
SHE WAS SO AFRAID
THAT YOU WOULD TAKE THIS REALLY HARD.
NO, I MEAN... IT'S...
IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE DANA SAID--
ONE DAY IN THE HOSPITAL, SHE WAS, LIKE,
SHE REALLY WANTED ME TO GO OUT AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?
SHE SAID, "YOUR WHOLE WORLD
REVOLVES AROUND THIS TINY LITTLE ORBIT,"
AND IT WAS BEFORE THE LARA THING,
SO IT WAS KIND OF WEIRD.
OH, YEAH, WELL, THE LARA THING...
WELL, IT WAS, UH...
INCESTUOUS.
YEAH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT.
SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME UP HERE,
AND I'M REALLY READY TO SORT OF GO HOME, AND--
[JENNY, KNOCKING]: HELLO.
FUCK.
OKAY. HI.
THANK YOU. OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
DO YOU GUYS MIND
IF WE START THIS VERY SOON?
CLAUDE'S LEAVING FOR MONTREAL IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES
AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE.
YEAH, I WAS JUST WAITING FOR HELENA.
[KNOCKING]
SORRY. I WAS JUST SETTLING UP THE BILL.
IRONIC. HEY, SHOULD WE ALL PITCH IN?
NO.
DON'T BE SILLY, MAX. THANKS, BUT--
HELENA, MAYBE--
LOOK, IT WAS ALL TAKEN CARE OF IN ADVANCE, ALL RIGHT?
STOP FUSSING.
OKAY, CAN WE START?
MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE OFF FOR THIS.
[KIT]: NO, MAX, THIS IS AN INTERVENTION,
AND, IN AN INTERVENTION, WE NEED EVERYBODY,
THE WHOLE EXTENDED FAMILY.
NOW GET OVER HERE.
[BETTE, ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: THIS IS BETTE PORTER.
YOU'VE REACHED MY CELLPHONE.
[BEEP]
HEY, BETTE, IT'S ALICE--
AND JENNY.
AND HELENA.
AND MAX. AND KIT.
WE JUST WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU.
YEAH, WE LOVE YOU,
AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE STAND BY YOU...
SO, NO MATTER WHAT.
AND WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU DID,
BECAUSE IF WE HAD BEEN IN YOUR POSITION, BETTE,
WE WOULD HAVE DONE EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
WELL, MAYBE NOT THE SAME THING,
MAYBE, YOU KNOW, UH, SOMETHING--
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO DO
THE RIGHT THING.
BETTE, YOU'VE GOT TO BRING ANGELICA HOME.
WE CAN HELP YOU.
AND, BETTE,
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THE FACT
THAT SHE IS YOUR BABY.
OH, YEAH.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET ANYBODY
TAKE THE BABY AWAY FROM YOU, SO--
NOT EVEN A MOTHERFUCKING COURT OF LAW.
WELL, IF IT DOES COME TO A COURT OF LAW, BETTE,
WE'RE ALL GOING TO TESTIFY ON YOUR BEHALF,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A REALLY STRONG CASE.
AND WE'LL TALK TO TINA,
AND WE'LL TELL HER TO, YOU KNOW, CALM DOWN, AND--
TINA'S JUST--
GOING TO CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOUR ASS THROWN IN JAIL
AND RUIN YOUR BRAND-NEW GODDAMN CAREER,
NOT TO MENTION-- [DIAL TONE HUMS]
...THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE.
TINA, THAT WAS KIND OF STUPID.
SHE'S NOT GOING TO COME HOME.
WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?
IS SHE STILL IN CANADA?
IS SHE BACK IN THE STATES?
WHAT, DID SHE TAKE ANGELICA TO FUCKING TIMBUKTU?
KIT?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE IS.
WELL, YOU CAN TELL HER FOR ME
THAT IF SHE IS NOT IN L.A. BY THE TIME I GET BACK,
I WILL CALL THE POLICE.
AND WHEN THEY FIND HER,
I WILL TAKE MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM HER
AND SHE WILL NEVER SEE ANGELICA AGAIN.
OKAY? YOU GOT THAT?
YOU TELL HER THAT!
YEAH, WELL, HOW SERIOUS?
NO. NO, NO, NO, JOYCE.
JOYCE, JUST TELL ME WHAT SHE CAN DO--
WHAT CAN SHE DO, WORST-CASE SCENARIO,
IF SHE DECIDES TO BE THE HYPOCRITICAL MONSTER
WE ALREADY KNOW SHE IS.
WELL, FUCK HER, THEN.
JUST FUCK HER.
NO, NOBODY'S TAKING MY FAMILY AWAY.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, WE'RE JUST NOT COMING BACK.
I-- MEXICO. I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH, WELL, I HAD AN ARTIST FRIEND OF MINE
MOVE HIS ENTIRE FAMILY TO OAXACA.
WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE CROSSING THE AMERICAN BORDER.
JOYCE, CAN YOU HOLD ON?
I'M GETTING ANOTHER CALL. HOLD ON.
PHYLLIS.
YEAH. HI.
NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU.
YEAH.
UH, WHERE AM I?
I'M IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.
I'M JUST TAKING A LAST-MINUTE ROAD TRIP WITH MY DAUGHTER.
YEAH, JUST TRYING TO GET IN THOSE LAST PRECIOUS MOMENTS
BEFORE WORK.
YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT GOES BY SO FAST.
[SIGHING]
BUT I'M EXCITED.
YEAH, I AM, I'M READY.
YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.
SO, I-- I WILL SEE YOU ON CAMPUS
MONDAY MORNING.
OKAY, GREAT. THANKS.
CAN I GET A SIPPY CUP?
DOES ANYBODY HAVE A SIPPY CUP?
JESUS.
[PANTING]
SHANE!
COME ON!
I WANT YOU!
[SHOES SQUISHING]
JESUS.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK ME?
I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY.
JUST FUCKING RELAX FOR A SECOND.
YOU CRAZY LITTLE FREAK.
FREAK, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING,
THINKING YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY
THAT RIDICULOUS GIRL?
THAT RIDICULOUS LITTLE...
[SNORTING]
...BOUNCY CHA-CHA TWINKLET.
[SNICKERS]
YOU DON'T KNOW HER.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT ABOUT HER.
[LAUGHING]
OH, SHIT.
WHERE'S MY DRIVER?
OH! RIGHT.
I CANCELLED YOUR DRIVER.
YOU DID WHAT?
HELENA, YOU NEED TO TRY--
YOU NEED TO START THINKING DIFFERENTLY, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE A LIMOUSINE HOME FROM THE AIRPORT ANYMORE.
ALICE, I'M ACTUALLY QUITE A PRACTICAL PERSON.
I'LL TAKE A TAXI.
A TAXI TO BROAD BEACH IN MALIBU
WOULD BE JUST AS MUCH AS A LIMOUSINE.
THEN I'LL TAKE THE BUS.
A BUS IS NOT GOING TO GO THERE!
YOU NEED TO TAKE
AN AIRPORT SHUTTLE.
FINE.
JUST SHOW ME WHERE I HAVE TO GO, ALL RIGHT?
AH-AH-AH!
YOUR LUGGAGE?
PORTER! NO, NO. HEY! NO.
NO.
COME HERE.
THERE'S THIS THING,
AND IT'S CALLED A LUGGAGE CART.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MOVING IN YET.
IT FEELS KIND OF CREEPY.
SHE'S NOT DEAD.
I'M JUST ASSUMING THAT CARMEN WILL NOT
BE LIVING WITH US ANYMORE.
I COULD TOTALLY PICK UP HER SHARE OF THE RENT.
I'M JUST GOING TO CLEAN UP HER STUFF
FOR SAFE KEEPING,
AND SHANE CAN DEAL WITH ALL OF CARMEN'S STUFF
WHEN SHE GETS BACK.
I KIND OF WANT TO MAKE SURE
IT'S OKAY WITH SHANE FIRST.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S OKAY WITH SHANE
RIGHT NOW.
WHAT SHANE DID IS TERRIBLE
AND COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE.
JENNY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE SHOULD HAVE CALLED US.
SHE SHOULD HAVE TOLD US WHAT'S GOING ON.
IT'S TERRIBLE.
HAVE SOME COMPASSION, JENNY.
ALICE WORKED FOR WEEKS
SETTING THIS WEDDING UP.
HELENA SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE.
I DON'T EXPECT CARMEN TO FORGIVE SHANE ANY TIME SOON,
BUT I DO, AND SO SHOULD YOU.
I MEAN, I FORGIVE YOU.
WHAT?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FORGIVE ME FOR?
OH, COME ON--
I HAVEN'T CHANGED WHO I AM, MAX.
I KNOW I'VE BEEN KIND OF A JERK
SINCE I'VE BEEN ON THE TESTOSTERONE,
BUT I THOUGHT YOU TOTALLY SUPPORTED MY TRANSITION.
I DO SUPPORT YOUR TRANSITION.
WE JUST DON'T GO TOGETHER ANYMORE.
THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T FREAK OUT WHEN YOU GOT TOGETHER
WITH CLAUDE.
BUT I JUST-- I DON'T--
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY WE CAN'T WORK IT OUT.
BECAUSE YOU IDENTIFY AS A STRAIGHT MAN.
SO THERE'S THE MISMATCH.
BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR STRAIGHT GIRLFRIEND
TO YOUR STRAIGHT GUY,
AND I IDENTIFY AS A LESBIAN
WHO LIKES TO FUCK GIRLS.
AND YOU'RE NOT A GIRL.
[SIGHING]: YEAH.
[HENRY]: YOU DON'T HAVE A KEY ANYMORE?
NO, BETTE CHANGED THE FUCKING LOCKS
THE DAY I MOVED OUT.
[DOOR RATTLING]
FUCK!
[SOBBING]
I WANT MY BABY.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HER.
I KNOW.
WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? HUH?
WHERE IS SHE?
I JUST... I WANT HER BACK.
MAYBE IT'S TIME TO CALL THE POLICE.
MOMMY DOESN'T HAVE ANY MILK,
WE CAN PUT SOME WATER IN HERE
IF YOU WANT ME TO.
[BANGING AT DOOR]
SHIT!
BETTE, ARE YOU IN THERE?
IT'S ME, KIT.
HOW'S THAT? BETTER?
IT'S BETTER THAN A POKE IN THE EYE
WITH A SHARP STICK,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, WHIT.
THERE IS GOOD NEWS.
AH! THERE'S GOOD NEWS?
THE GOOD NEWS
IS THAT I'VE FOUND A QUALIFIED TENANT,
AND YOUR LANDLORD IS WILLING TO LET YOU
OUT OF THE LEASE.
THE BAD NEWS IS,
THE TENANT WANTS TO TAKE OVER PRETTY MUCH STRAIGHT AWAY.
WELL, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?
WELL, I SUGGEST...
YOU NEED TO WORK OUT WHAT YOUR INCOME IS GOING TO BE,
AND WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO PAY IN RENT.
I WASN'T EXACTLY ON A SALARY, WHIT.
BUT, THEN, IF I'M GOING TO BE RUNNING A MOVIE STUDIO, THEN--
AH, YES, THE MOVIE STUDIO.
WELL, I KNOW THAT WE'RE STILL OPERATING IN THE RED, WHIT.
I WASN'T GOING TO BE PIGGISH,
BUT I SHOULD BE MAKING AT LEAST WHAT TINA'S MAKING.
IT SEEMS THE LIBRARY ALONE
WAS WORTH THE ASKING PRICE,
AND PARAMOUNT WAS LOOKING TO ACQUIRE...
YOUR MOTHER WANTED TO UNLOAD IT BEFORE SHE LEFT FOR ANTIGUA.
MOTHER'S IN ANTIGUA.
WELL, A PRIVATE ISLAND, ACTUALLY.
NO PHONES. VERY ROMANTIC.
SHE SEEMS TO BE HEAD OVER HEELS.
HOW LOVELY FOR HER.
OH...
PLEASE, WHIT.
JUST-- I'LL GET THE BOTTLE.
SO, YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?
LIKE, DRIVE AWAY, RIGHT NOW?
YEAH, SHE'S FREAKED.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY,
NOT EVEN YOU.
I HAVE TO TAKE HER TO HER LAWYER'S OFFICE
AS SOON AS WE LAND IN L.A.
[GAGGING]
SORRY.
LISTEN, I MADE THAT APPOINTMENT.
TOMORROW AT NOON.
YOU STILL OKAY WITH THAT?
LOOK, WE'VE GONE OVER THIS
106 WAYS TO SUNDAY.
I KNOW. I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT DECISION.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU'RE NOT HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH IT.
I AM HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH IT,
BUT I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT DECISION.
[SIGHING]
HEY, I LOVE YOU.
NO, NO, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KISS ME RIGHT NOW.
YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE DISGUSTING.
I LOVE YOU.
ONE CREDIT CARD WITH A $3,500 LIMIT.
I CAN'T EVEN BUY A PAIR OF SHOES
WITH $3,500.
WELL, NO, NOT IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
$14,000 HANDMADE-IN-BARCELONA LACE-UPS, NO.
YEAH, BUT I HAD TO.
I MEAN, THEY WERE PERFECT
WITH THAT EMPIRE-WAIST VINTAGE PRINT SHIFT--
REFILL?
NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN AFFORD IT.
HELENA, IT'S FREE.
UM, WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAR?
WASN'T YOUR CAR WORTH, LIKE, $300,000?
I MEAN, YOU COULD LIVE ON THAT FOR, LIKE, TWO YEARS.
MAYBE YOU COULD.
ALL RIGHT, MAYBE I COULD.
IF MY MOTHER HADN'T ALREADY REPOSSESSED IT.
WHIT SUGGESTED I LOOK INTO SOMETHING
CALLED A, "HI-UN-DI--" "DAY"?
HYUNDAI?
YEAH, HYUNDAI.
WOW, SHE REALLY DOES WANT TO BRING YOU DOWN.
YEAH. OUT OF LOVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK YOU SHOULD MOVE IN WITH ME.
I MEAN, JUST UNTIL WE GET YOU ON YOUR FEET.
ALICE, I COULDN'T.
HELENA, YOU HAVE BEEN, LIKE,
THE MOST GENEROUS FRIEND TO ME,
AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER YOU IN RETURN.
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
WE'RE GOING TO HELP YOU THROUGH THIS.
I JUST... I HAD NO IDEA
IT COULD FEEL THIS WARM AND FUZZY
BEING POOR.
YEAH.
[GASPS]
[COUGHING]
IF IT ISN'T JENNIFER SCHECTER,
AUTHOR OF SOME OF HER PARTS.
OH! WILL YOU SIGN MY BOOK?
YOU HAVE MY BOOK?
HOW DID YOU GET A BOOK?
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T COME OUT TILL THURSDAY.
I WAS KIDDING.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU!
AND GUESS WHAT?
MY PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY REVIEW APPARENTLY
HAS JUST COME OUT...
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ YOUR OWN REVIEWS,
ARE YOU?
WELL, OF COURSE I'M GOING TO READ
MY OWN REVIEWS.
WHY SHOULDN'T I?
WELL, IN CASE SOMEBODY DOESN'T SAY
SOMETHING QUITE SO POSITIVE.
THIS IS PURELY FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES.
OH, GUESS WHAT.
WE GOT A MENTION ON MYSPACE. SEE?
AND WE TOOK OUT AN AD ON OUR CHART.
WHY, THANK YOU.
HOW DOES IT WORK, THIS CHART OF YOURS?
I MEAN, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN ON--
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON OUR CHART?
WHAT? OH, MY GOD. IT'S SO MUCH FUN.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE A SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE.
FOR LESBIANS.
DO YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE FIRST?
WELL, I MEAN, WHEN I FIRST PUT IT UP,
THAT WAS THE CORE CONCEPT.
YOU KNOW, JENNY SLEPT WITH TINA
WHO SLEPT WITH ANNIE WHO SLEPT WITH--
YOU SLEPT WITH TINA?
NO. I'D NEVER SLEEP WITH TINA!
HYPOTHETICAL.
BUT, LIKE, LESBIANS BEING LESBIANS,
THEY STARTED LOGGING ON
AND TALKING ABOUT THEMSELVES
AND, YOU KNOW...
YEAH.
BUT FOR ME IT'S STILL ABOUT THE HOOK-UP PAGE.
SEE, LIKE, HERE'S ME,
AND THEN THAT'S MY WHOLE CONSTELLATION.
AND I SLEPT WITH GABBY DEVEAUX
SO I WANT TO ADD HER TO MY CONSTELLATION.
SO I SUBMIT HER NAME
AND THE WEBMASTER
WILL EMAIL HER SAYING, YOU KNOW,
ALICE PIESZECKI HAS ADDED YOUR NAME
TO OUR CHART
AND WOULD LIKE TO PUT YOU ON HER HOOK-UPS PAGE.
AND, THEN, IF SHE GIVES PERMISSION,
THEN SHE HAS THE CHOICE
OF STARTING HER OWN CONSTELLATION.
THERE'S GABBY DEVEAUX. RIGHT.
WHOA, THAT'S A LOT OF HOOK-UPS.
YEAH, SHE'S A WHORE.
YEAH.
BUT, UM, LET'S SEE-- HAVE YOU SEEN SHANE?
YEAH, YEAH, CAN I SHOW YOU--
BECAUSE IF YOU WERE TO THEN CLICK ON SHANE'S NAME...
YOU CAN THEN SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE SHANE'S HOOKED UP WITH.
[ALICE]: SHE'S WHAT WE CALL A HUB,
WHICH IS ANYONE
WHO'S SLEPT WITH OVER 50 PEOPLE.
SHANE'S CONSIDERED THE HUB OF HUBS.
RIGHT, AND ONCE YOU BECOME A HUB,
THEN YOU SORT OF BECOME A PORTAL,
BECAUSE, INEVITABLY, YOU'RE GOING TO, LIKE,
BRING US INTO A WHOLE NEW SOLAR SYSTEM.
YEAH, LOOK, DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT JAPANESE GIRL THAT SHANE SLEPT WITH?
WELL, NOW THE JAPANESE GIRL
IN KYOTO
HAS HER WHOLE NEW SOLAR SYSTEM OUT THERE.
YEAH. YEAH.
SHOULD WE LOOK AT CARMEN?
WELL, YEAH, I THINK
WE COULD LEAVE CARMEN OUT OF IT.
OKAY, SO, LOOK.
CARMEN HAS HER WHOLE SOLAR SYSTEM--
WOW. ...IN EAST L.A.
I CAN SEE THAT. LOOK AT THAT.
THERE'S, LIKE, ROSA, MARILENA--
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL.
OH, YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
UPGRADE THE SERVER
BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING SO MUCH TRAFFIC.
WHAT'S THE TERM YOU SAY YOU USE WHEN THERE'S GROUP OF GIRLS--
SOLAR SYSTEM. YEAH.
THERE'S A GIRL HERE
IN CARMEN'S SOLAR SYSTEM, SHE'S GOT MORE HITS THAN SHANE.
OH, THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
NO. NO WAY. NO.
CAN I HAVE MY COMPUTER NOW?
YEAH. LOOK.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE RIGHT!
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS GIRL HAS SLEPT...
WITH ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED--
[ALL GASPING]
SHE JUST ADDED A NAME!
WAIT, LET ME GO--
NOW IT'S 1,151! LET ME GO IN.
ALL RIGHT, RELAX.
LET ME GO IN.
I GOT TO SEE WHO THIS IS.
WHO THE HELL IS PAPI?
I THINK WARREN HAS TOO MUCH ON HIS PLATE.
I GOING TO HAVE YOU RUN POINT
ON THE PYROTECH PROJECT.
OH...
THANKS. THANKS, BOSS.
HOW'S EVERYTHING ELSE GOING FOR YOU, MAX?
JUST GREAT.
I SHOULD HAVE THESE UPDATES NAILED
BY THE END OF THE WEEK.
HOW'S JENNY?
SHE'S FINE.
ACTUALLY, WE BROKE UP.
OH. I'M SORRY.
I'M FINE WITH IT.
WELL...
I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK I'M OUT OF LINE, MAX,
BUT I'M NOT ALL THAT SURPRISED.
YEAH, I MEAN, WE DEFINITELY HAD OUR PROBLEMS.
YOU'RE A VERY STRAIGHT AHEAD PERSON.
YOU DON'T REALLY SEEM TO HAVE ANY HIDDEN AGENDAS,
AND JENNY SEEMED A LITTLE COMPLICATED.
SHE SURE IS COMPLICATED.
LOOK, UH...
I KNOW THIS MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE OUT OF LEFT FIELD,
BUT MY DAUGHTER BROOKE'S COMING HOME
FROM MT. HOLYOKE THIS WEEKEND,
AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THE TWO OF YOU WOULD HIT IT OFF.
YOUR DAUGHTER?
I'LL I.M. YOU
HER PHONE NUMBER.
YOU CAN CALL HER IF YOU'RE UP FOR IT.
NO OBLIGATION.
HONESTLY.
OH, FUCK.
I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO COME.
COME TO MAMA, SWEETIE.
MAMA'S NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOU AGAIN.
COME HERE, SWEETIE.
YEAH.
COME HERE, MY BABY.
I MISSED YOU.
[TINA COOING]
[TINA KISSES ANGELICA]
YES. MY BABY...
I LOOKED LIKE A GUY,
BUT I DIDN'T FIT IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I DIDN'T FIT
IN THE DYKE COMMUNITY EITHER.
I HAD NO IDEA
IT WOULD BE SO DAMN LONELY.
AND THE WORST THING WAS, I COULDN'T CRY.
THAT WAS
THE HARSHEST THING FOR ME.
WHEN THE TESTOSTERONE KICKED IN,
MY EMOTIONS TOTALLY CHANGED,
AND I COULDN'T EVEN CRY ANYMORE.
I NEVER STOPPED CRYING, PERSONALLY,
BUT NOBODY REALLY PREPARES YOU
FOR WHAT YOUR BODY'S GOING TO GO THROUGH.
AT LEAST BOYS, WHEN THEY START PUBERTY,
THEY HAVE, YOU KNOW, SEX EDUCATION.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE I COULD GO
TO FIND OUT MORE INFORMATION?
WHEN I GOT MY T, I GOT IF FROM MY FRIEND,
IT WAS SORT OF SMUGGLED, OR WHATEVER, SO--
OH, JEEZ.
WHAT DOSAGE ARE YOU ON, DUDE?
200, LIKE, EVERY WEEK--
WHOO.
I STARTED OUT-- A WEEK?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT CAN DO TO YOUR LIVER?
NOT TO MENTION YOUR PERSONALITY.
DO YOU GOT ANY FRIENDS LEFT, MAN?
YEAH, I DO, BUT IT'S BEEN PRETTY MESSED UP.
I MEAN, I FREAK OUT A LOT.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU GUYS COULD HELP ME OUT.
WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU
THE NUMBER OF A DOCTOR, OKAY?
HE'S AN ENDOCRINOLOGIST THAT A LOT OF US SEE.
THANKS.
THIS IS JUST SO INSANE,
THE IDEA THAT I'M NOT TRUSTWORTHY.
SHE'S THE ONE
WITH PATTERN OF LYING AND CHEATING.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO SWORE-- SHE SWORE--
FROM THE DAY ANGELICA WAS BORN THAT SHE WAS OUR CHILD.
OUR CHILD, UNEQUIVOCALLY,
IRREVOCABLY OUR CHILD.
AND THEN THE SECOND--
THE SECOND IT'S BECOMES INCONVENIENT--
SHE STARTS SAYING, "OH, IT'S MY DAUGHTER."
SHE'S THE ONE WHO TRIED TO TAKE HER AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
OH, IN THE FIRST PLACE?
SHE'S THE ONE WHO WENT SCAMPERING BACK
TO THE SAFETY OF WHITE HETEROSEXUAL PRIVILEGE.
SAFETY?
THIS IS ABOUT THE BRAVEST THING
I'VE EVER DONE.
I STAND TO LOSE ALL MY FRIENDS,
WHO VIEW ME AS SOME SORT OF A TURNCOAT.
NO ONE HATES YOU
BECAUSE OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION, TINA.
THEY HATE YOU
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED NOT TO USE IT AGAINST ME
WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING CUSTODY OF OUR CHILD.
OH, HERE WE GO WITH THE TRUST THING AGAIN.
THAT IS SO FUCKING CRAZY.
DON'T YOU DARE.
OH, BECAUSE YOU WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING?
I'M SORRY, BUT WHO WAS IT THAT KIDNAPPED OUR DAUGHTER
AND DROVE OFF
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
COULD YOU MOVE, PLEASE?
OKAY, OKAY, WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE
THAT YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION.
WHAT DECISION HAVE WE MADE?
MOMMY DEAREST ONE
AND MOMMY DEAREST TWO
WILL BE FIGHTING THIS OUT IN A COURT OF LAW.
WHICH, IN THE END, IS NOT A TERRIBLE THING.
HOW IS THAT NOT A TERRIBLE THING?
YEAH, IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT NOT A TERRIBLE THING?
WELL, IN THE UNIVERSE
OF MY BANK ACCOUNT, FOR ONE,
AND, LUCKILY FOR ME, MY CLIENT IS EMPLOYED AGAIN.
BUT THE REAL BEAUTY
IS THAT THIS CASE
WILL BE A MEDIA BONANZA.
AND, TINA, IF I MAY STEP BACK INTO MY ROLE
AS MEDIATOR FOR RIGHT NOW,
I SUGGEST YOU FIND YOURSELF A BETTER LAWYER.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY LAWYER?
WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER THIS?
WELL, CHARLES IS COMPETENT,
BUT, FRANKLY, HE'S A MILQUETOAST.
I'LL HAVE HIM FOR BREAKFAST.
OH, IT'S A SHAME JOHNNIE COCHRAN'S DEAD.
A FLAMBOYANT AFRICAN-AMERICAN LAWYER
ARGUING ON BEHALF OF YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT
WHITE HETERO FAMILY--
THAT WOULD'VE BEEN PERFECT FOR YOU.
BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE PLAYING
THE RACE CARD. IT'S NOT A CARD.
IT'S SOMETHING I KNOW
TO BE FIRMLY AND INTRINSICALLY TRUE.
TINA'S NOT QUALIFIED
TO PARENT A BIRACIAL CHILD.
OH, YEAH, AND I WAS QUALIFIED TO LIVE AND SLEEP WITH ONE
FOR EIGHT YEARS?
OBVIOUSLY YOU WEREN'T QUALIFIED FOR THAT EITHER.
LET'S KEEP IT ON THE HIGH ROAD, OKAY?
AND YOU, MY LITTLE SWEET,
YOU WILL BE KNOWN IN THE PRESS AS "BABY A,"
THE ARTIFICIALLY CONCEIVED DAUGHTER
OF A BISEXUAL WHITE MOVIE EXEC
AND A BIRACIAL LESBIAN
ART WORLD TITAN.
OH, MY GOSH.
THE FUNDAMENTALISTS WILL PICKET.
LIBERALS AND FEMINISTS WILL ARGUE AMONG THEMSELVES.
GOOD CHRISTIAN FOLKS WILL WRITE IN TO THE OP-EDS
OFFERING TO ADOPT HER
AWAY FROM HER SICK AND PERVERTED WARRING PARENTS.
SO I GOT THE NAME OF THIS DOCTOR
WHO TREATS PRETTY MUCH
ALL THE TRANS GUYS IN LOS ANGELES.
OH, COOL.
AND THE GUYS IN THE GROUP, I MEAN,
THEY COULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE HOW MUCH T I'VE BEEN ON.
I'M GOING GET AN APPOINTMENT
AS SOON AS I CAN.
OH, THAT'S AWESOME.
SORRY. I HOPE THEY CAN HELP YOU.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
HEY, JENNY, THE DOOR.
FUCK. CAN YOU JUST GET THAT FOR ME?
I'M SORRY.
HELLO, MAX.
HEY, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THOSE. I GOT IT.
HI! HOW ARE YOU?
IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
YEAH?
YEAH.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
OKEY-DOKEY, I THINK WE'VE GOT
EVERYTHING IN HERE A GIRL COULD NEED.
OKAY.
[KNOCKING]
AND JUST IN TIME.
WHOO!
COME HERE, SWEETIE.
[DOOR OPENING]
HEY, ANGIE, YOU READY TO GO?
SHE'S READY TO ROCK.
SO THE SCHEDULE IS,
SHE'S WITH MAMA T FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND THEN I'LL BE BY
ON WEDNESDAY AND PICK HER UP
AND BRING HER BACK TO MAMA B.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO LOOK AFTER HER
WHEN SHE'S WITH ME?
I'VE STILL GOT TO WORK.
I'VE BEEN REAL BUSY LATELY.
MY BAND JUST PUT OUT A DEMO ON MYSPACE,
SO I'VE GOT MEETINGS WITH RECORD COMPANIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M SURE HAZEL WON'T MIND BABYSITTING
FOR BOTH ANGIE AND MIKEY.
HAZEL'S FANTASTIC.
[COOING]
YOU READY TO GO?
[KIT BABY-TALKING]
OOH, HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO.
[BETTE]: SO, I GUESS I'LL TYPE UP A SCHEDULE.
ARE YOU STILL USING iCAL?
YEAH.
OKAY. WELL, THEN, I'LL DO IT IN iCAL.
THAT'LL BE GOOD.
[DOOR CLOSES]
THIS MORNING, IT WAS 1,150.
NOW, TONIGHT-- WELL, LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S UP TO 1,377.
NOW, THAT'S ALL WITHIN ONLY 20 HOURS
AFTER HER NAME APPEARED ON OUR CHART.
SHE HAS CRASHED OUR SERVER.
SHE HAS CAUSED AN ALL-OUT PANIC AMONG OUR WEB PROGRAMMERS.
AND SHE'S DISPLACED, PERHAPS,
THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF PLAYERS!
NOW, ALL I CAN SAY IS, PAPI--
PAPI, IF YOU ARE OUT THERE,
IF YOU ARE REAL, IF YOU REALLY EXIST,
PLEASE MAKE CONTACT WITH US.
YOU CAN CALL US, YOU CAN DROP US AN E-MAIL.
LET US KNOW WHERE YOU HANG OUT.
I WILL FIND YOU.
LET US KNOW WHEN YOU SLEEP, IF YOU DO.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW, PAPI,
HOW YOU DO THAT THING YOU DO.
THIS IS ALICE PIESZECKI SIGNING OFF
WITH THE QUESTION
THAT IS ON EVERYONE'S MIND TONIGHT--
WHERE'S PAPI?
[**]
[SLAP]
HEY, LITTLE FREAK!
WE'RE HAVING A PARTY.
COME ON!
COME ON.
COME ON, LITTLE FREAK.
COME ON, BABY.
WE'RE HAVING A PARTY.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS SHANE!
[MAN]: HEY, SHANE!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.
[**]
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
[MUSIC FADES OUT, SLOWS]
[MUSIC SPEEDS UP, DISTORTS]
[LAUGHING]
[MUSIC DISTORTING, SCREECHING]
[**]
IT'S SNOW TIME!
THAT'LL WAKE YOU UP.
[SNORTING]
THERE YOU GO.
[CHUCKLING]
[SNORTING]
YOU LOOKED SO CUTE LYING THERE
ALL CRASHED OUT LIKE THAT.
COME DANCE WITH ME.
GO, SHANE.
WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BUBBLY ONES.
[**]
ALL I HAVE IS...
CAVIAR AND CREME FRAICHE.
AND I THINK I FOUND SOME CRACKERS.
OOH.
[LID SETTLES ON FLOOR]
IT'S MOLDY.
[CONTAINER CLATTERS]
IT'S OKAY.
I'M GLAD WE DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.
[**]
HI. I'M HERE WITH KIT PORTER.
SHE HAS AN APPOINTMENT.
HERE WE GO.
IF YOU'LL JUST FILL OUT THIS PAPERWORK,
WE'LL GET YOU IN FOR YOUR PREGNANCY TEST
IN A FEW MINUTES.
BUT I'VE ALREADY DONE LIKE, 20 OF THOSE TESTS
AT HOME,
AND I'VE BEEN EATING LIKE A LUNATIC,
AND PUKING MY GUTS UP
FOR THE LAST 10 MORNINGS.
I DON'T NEED ANOTHER TEST.
IT'S REQUIRED, DEAR.
JUST A STANDARD PROCEDURE
BEFORE WE CAN OFFER ANY OTHER SERVICES.
[**]
WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY CAR KEYS?
YOU CAME IN A CAB FROM THE AIRPORT.
REMEMBER? I DID?
NO, I DID. I DID?
WHA-- WAIT.
THESE ARE YOURS, RIGHT?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? NOWHERE.
BUT I'M GOING TO TAKE THESE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS,
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU DO THIS,
YOU'D BE... HAPPY?
[LAUGHING]
[**]
WHERE'S THE DOCTOR THAT'S GOING TO DO THIS?
CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT?
HERE'S A PICTURE
OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BABY.
THE APPROXIMATE DUE DATE
IS SEPTEMBER 12th--
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY
IF YOU DO THE TERRIBLE THING YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DOING.
DR. LEMPERT WILL MEET WITH YOU IN HIS OFFICE IN A MINUTE
TO TALK ABOUT SOME OTHER ALTERNA--
ANGUS! ANGUS!
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
ANGUS! PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE.
PLEASE TAKE ME. LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
YOUR CLOTHES--
FUCK MY CLOTHES! JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
DON'T RUN AWAY, DEAR. IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
OH, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!
WE JUST WANT TO PRAY WITH YOU.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
DR. LEMPERT, WE NEED YOU OUT HERE--
SELF-APPOINTED, BIBLE-PUSHING, ANTI-WOMEN--
WE'RE NOT ANTI-WOMEN--
OH, YES, YOU ARE!
YOU'RE HERE TO HARASS AND INTIMIDATE
DESPERATE WOMEN WHO COME HERE FOR HELP!
MISS PORTER.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME WITH ME?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?
I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU COME NEAR ME,
I WILL ABORT YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR BODY
WITH MY BARE HANDS!
COME ON, ANGUS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I HATE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE.
[FOOTSTEPS RACING AWAY]
[DOOR SHUTS]
[CAR DOOR OPENING]
HI.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
[DOG BARKS]
CAN I HELP YOU?
IS CARMEN HERE?
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU, SHANE.
SHE'S DONE WITH YOU.
I KNOW SHE PROBABLY HATES ME,
BUT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO HER FOR JUST A--
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU HERE, MAN!
OW! GOD.
LOOK AT YOU!
YOU'RE A MESS.
HEY, YOU'RE PATHETIC!
I'M THANKING GOD
MY COUSIN DIDN'T MARRY YOU.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
GET LOST.
GO!
[DOG YAPPING]
LEAVE!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
HEY, YOU GUYS.
[GIGGLING]
JENNY?
OH. HELLO, MAX.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD BE GETTING READY?
BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST 7:00.
IT'S TIME TO GET READY.
FIVE MORE MINUTES.
[**]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
[HONKING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[HORNS HONKING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[HONKING]
[**]
WOULD YOU FUCKING MOVE?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[HORN HONKING]
[AIR HISSING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
ARE YOU OKAY?
JUST STAY THERE. I'LL GET AN AMBULANCE.
[DIALING]
NO, NO, STAY THERE.
THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT.
A BLACK BMW HIT THE GUARD RAIL
HERE ON THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY.
WHERE ARE WE? WHERE ARE WE?
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD JUST STAY HERE.
SHE'S WALKING AWAY.
THE CAR'S REALLY WRECKED.
SHE'S HURT PRETTY BAD.
MA'AM?
IMAGINE THAT HOLLY GOLIGHTLY, IN HER LATE 20s,
PENNED A MEMOIR OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE
AND ADULT SELF-MUTILATION,
AND IN DOING SO CONVINCED US
THAT POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYMPTOMS
CAN SOMETIMES DOUBLE AS AN ANALGESIC,
AN APHRODISIAC, A PARTY DRUG,
A SEDUCTION STYLE MANUAL.
JENNIFER SCHECTER HAS WRITTEN A WINCINGLY ACUTE...
[TONE OF VOICE FLATTENS]: IF SHAMELESSLY SELF-INDULGENT
PORTRAIT OF HERSELF.
[SUCKS TEETH]
C'EST BIEN.
THOSE FUCKERS.
WE SHOULD JUST BURN DOWN THE CLINIC.
I JUST WANT TO FIREBOMB THEM.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE MESSING WITH.
GUYS, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
WHAT DO YOU DO IN SITUATION LIKE THAT?
I'LL GIVE 'EM A SITUATION--
I WANT TO BURN THAT CLINIC DOWN.
[THUMPING CHAIR ON FLOOR] ARSON! ARSON!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO, LIKE,
A BENEFIT FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD?
I MEAN, IT'S SOMETHING POSITIVE,
IT DOESN'T CARRY A SENTENCE OF 30-TO-LIFE.
I NEED THREE WATERS WITH EXTRA LEMON, PLEASE.
[**]
WOW.
ARE WE REALLY THAT UNTOUCHABLE?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU JUST BACKED AWAY FROM US,
LIKE WE HAVE SOME SORT OF HETEROSEXUAL COOTIE.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I DIDN'T BACK AWAY FROM YOU.
HI. HI.
HI. HOW'RE YOU DOING?
GOOD.
DID YOU GET THE PHONE CALL?
AARON KORNBLUTH.
YEAH.
I'M MEETING HIM ON WEDNESDAY.
ME TOO.
WHO'S AARON KORNBLUTH?
HE'S OUR NEW BOSS.
A FELLOW IRISHMAN, NO DOUBT.
WAS THAT AN ANTI-SEMITIC REMARK?
I HOPE NOT.
SHE DID BACK AWAY FROM US.
[INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CONVERSATION]
LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, AND GENTLEMEN...
I AM SO PROUD
TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A WOMAN
WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
TO SOME OF YOU HERE TONIGHT, SHE'S AN OLD FRIEND.
SHE WENT AWAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE,
AND THEN SHE CAME BACK,
AND WE ARE SO GLAD SHE DID,
BECAUSE SHE'S ONE OF
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, SPECIAL,
AND INTRIGUING PEOPLE
TO EVER TO SPEND TIME HERE AT THE PLANET.
SO LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, AND GENTLEMEN,
HERE SHE IS...
[WHISPERING]: JENNY, COME ON.
COME ON.
THE WOMAN YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...
DID YOU KNOW SHE WAS IN TOWN?
OH, MY GOD.
[FAINT MURMURING]
GIRL! WHERE YOU BEEN?
[KIT]: OH, MY GOD!
KIT.
OH, MY GOD! OH!
OH, LOOKIT--
MARINA.
GOD, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
WOW.
IT'S REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU STAYING?
YEAH. WHO ARE YOU HERE WITH?
[BETTE]: ARE YOU GOING TO BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE?
[ALICE]: YEAH, I HEARD YOU WERE IN ROME.
I THOUGHT IT WAS FLORENCE?
OH, LADIES, LADIES.
LET'S SEE.
I'M HERE FOR BUSINESS.
I'M IN LOS ANGELES FOR THREE DAYS.
I'M STAYING AT THE BEL AIR
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO REVISIT THE PLACES
WHERE WE'VE FACED OUR DARKEST DEMONS.
AND IT IS ROME, NOT FLORENCE.
BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M INTERRUPTING SOMETHING.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE PAY YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION
TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED
JENNY SCHECTER.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[CHEERING]
[**]
WHAT'S HER NAME?
UH... THANKS.
MARINA DELLA GHERARDESCA FERRER.
HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?
WE WERE FRIENDS.
WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS?
SHE WAS MY FIRST.
OH.
THEN, SHE WAS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU.
FOR A MINUTE, I GUESS.
CONGRATULATIONS, JENNY.
YOUR STORY IS WONDERFUL.
BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN.
IT REMINDS ME
OF DOROTHY ALLISON WITH THE CHIC OF MARY GAITSKILL.
AND THE MAGAZINE,
THEY COMPARED YOU TO TRUMAN CAPOTE.
THEY COMPARED HER TO HOLLY GOLIGHTLY.
NOT EXACTLY THE SAME AS TRUMAN CAPOTE.
BETTER, DON'T YOU THINK?
[CHUCKLES]
MARINA FERRER.
CLAUDE MONDRIAN.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
ARE YOU WELL?
I'M GREAT.
I'M GREAT. HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
IN THE LAST YEAR, I HAVE DONE SOMETHING
THAT I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT.
I'M TOURING WITH A GROUP OF DANCERS.
I'M THEIR BENEFACTOR.
I RAISE THE MONEY AND FIND THE THEATERS,
AND THEY'RE VERY UNUSUAL.
ARE THEY PERFORMING HERE IN LOS ANGELES?
UH, YES, I AM GOING TO BRING THEM TO LOS ANGELES,
AND I HOPE YOU'LL COME.
WELL, I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK WITH IT.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, TOO.
THANK YOU.
I SEE YOU HAVE IT ALREADY.
DO YOU THINK
SHE'LL HAVE SEX WITH US?
NO.
ASK HER.
[**]
[PLAYING FAINTLY]: * I CAN SEE THE FEAR
* IN YOUR EYES, MY FRIEND
* YOU CAN SEE...
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
[SPEAKING SOFTLY IN FRENCH]
CIAO.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[**]
PAS MAL.
YOU DID GET LUCKY.
DON'T YOU WANT TO GET LUCKY, TOO?
MAIS J'AI UNE CHANCE CE NUIT.
[**]
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WELL, MY NEW YORK TIMES REVIEW
IS GOING TO BE POSTED AT MIDNIGHT,
SO I'M GOING TO GO CHECK.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I DON'T THINK SHE'S KIDDING.
BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY HERE
AND BE WITH MARINA.
GOOD NIGHT.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[**]
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOONER OR LATER
THE BASTARD WOULD WALK OUT ON ME.
CARLA?
ALSO SHOULD'VE KNOWN
THAT YOU WOULDN'T CALL ME BACK.
THE THING IS,
I'VE GOT NO PRIDE LEFT, SO...
HERE I AM.
YOU CALLED ME?
FIVE, SIX,
MAYBE 10 TIMES.
I'M SORRY.
I, UM, I LOST MY PHONE.
AND I'M SORRY...
THAT GABE LET YOU DOWN.
MY FAULT.
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
NO, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
HE MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD CHANGE HIM.
AND HE, UH...
WELL, HE EVEN CONVINCED HIMSELF OF THAT.
[SNIFFLES]
AND, UH, THAT'S WHERE THE REAL DAMAGE COMES IN.
YOU KNOW, ALL I'VE DONE FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS
IS LIE ON THE FLOOR.
I JUST CRAWL FROM ROOM TO ROOM.
I TRY TO TALK. ALL THAT COMES OUT IS CRYING.
I TRY TO EAT... I PUKE MY GUTS UP.
PUKED SO MUCH,
STARTED SPITTING UP BLOOD.
IF I COULD TURN BACK THE CLOCK, I'D SPARE YOU...
[SNIFFS]
THE BAD FORTUNE OF EVER KNOWING ME.
I, UH...
I LEFT YOU A GIFT.
IT'S ON THE BACK PORCH.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
IT'S FROM YOUR FATHER, REALLY.
HEY, CARLA, YOU'RE SICK.
LET ME TAKE YOU TO A DOCTOR.
[CHUCKLING BITTERLY]
THAT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING, HUH?
GO TO HELL.
[SNIFFING]
[DOOR OPEN, CLOSES]
[BOTTLES RATTLING]
[SCREAMING]: CARLA!
[**]
* SAVE ME
* SOMEBODY SAVE ME
* SAVE ME
* SOMEBODY SAVE ME
* PROMISED MYSELF AFTER THE FIRST ROMANCE *
* I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE *
* SAID YOU SEE YOU'RE SURE TO FIND *
* BUT THE CLOSER I GET TO YOU, BABY *
* YOU DRIVE ME STONE OUT OF MY MIND *
* SAVE ME
* OH, YEAH, YEAH
* SAVE ME
* OH...
* THOSE WHO LOVE ALWAYS GIVE THE MOST *
* WE'RE CRYING TOGETHER FROM COAST TO COAST *
* LOVE LEAVES US COLD AND HURT INSIDE *
* THESE TEARS OF OURS UNJUSTIFIED *
* BEGGIN' YOU TO SAVE ME *
* I NEED SOMEBODY
* SAVE ME
* OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
* YEAH
* SAVE ME
* MM-HMM
* SAVE ME
* ALL RIGHT
* YOUR LOVE SAID YOU NEEDED ME *
* YOU ABUSED MY LOVE SET ME FREE... *
[**]
YEAH.