[ VOICES SPEAKING ITALIAN ]
I DON'T USUALLY DO
LIVE PERFORMANCE,
BUT I DID
THE MOVIE WITH BAZ.
I DID NOT SEE IT.
OH, BUT YOU
KNOW THE STORY.
NO, NOT REALLY.
OH, MY GOD,
THE GIFT OF THE MAGI?
THIS ISN'T
GOING TO WORK.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO CUT IT ON THE BIAS.
YOU CAN'T WEAR THIS.
CARLA...
[ SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ]
WELL, LET ME SEE
WHAT I CAN DO HERE.
TURN THIS WAY.
ANYWAY,
THE GIFT OF THE MAGI,
IT'S A STORY
BY O. HENRY.
IT'S ABOUT
THE FOOLISH SACRIFICES
WE MAKE FOR LOVE.
FOOLISH HOW?
WELL, IN THE STORY,
THERE ARE TWO
YOUNG LOVERS,
JIM AND DELLA,
AND THEY HAVE NO MONEY,
BUT THEY WANT
SO DESPERATELY
TO BUY EACH OTHER
A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
I'M GOING TO
TRY SOMETHING,
BUT I'VE GOT TO PIN IT
FROM UNDERNEATH.
OKAY.
SO JIM,
THE YOUNG MAN,
HE HAS ONLY ONE POSSESSION--
HIS GRANDFATHER'S
GOLD POCKET WATCH...
WHICH HE TREASURES
MORE THAN ANYTHING...
EXCEPT FOR DELLA.
[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
SHALL I GO ON?
WHAT?
WITH THE STORY?
YES...
PLEASE.
[ ♪♪ ]
[ SINGING IN SPANISH ]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I, UM,
I MET THESE TWO KIDS,
AND THEY LIVED
IN THIS LITTLE TOWN
CALLED BISHOP,
WHICH IS
IN THE SIERRAS,
AND, UH,
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
THERE WAS
THIS MOUNTAIN,
CALLED
THUNDERBOLT PEAK...
AND, YOU KNOW,
OF COURSE
I COULD
NEVER MAKE IT
TO THE TOP OF
A MOUNTAIN, RIGHT?
YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN?
YEAH.
I GOT YOUR LETTER, JENNY.
UH-HUH.
I NEVER WANTED YOU
TO RIP YOUR HEART OUT.
I JUST...
WANTED YOU TO...
BE HONEST WITH ME.
YES.
I HAVE THIS PRESENT FOR YOU.
I FOUND THIS
IN THIS LITTLE,
TINY TOWN
CALLED LONE PINE.
IT'S LIKE--
IT'S A CHAIN FOR--
FOR YOUR STOPWATCH,
SO YOU DON'T FORGET IT
ALL THE TIME.
I BROKE IT.
THAT WAS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S.
YEAH, IT WAS.
IT WAS THAT DAY.
I'M SORRY.
SO THAT WAS...
THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED?
YES.
THOSE ARE YOURS.
GET OUT.
YOU'VE BEEN
SCREWING HER
SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT
YOU WENT OUT.
EVEN BETTE AND TINA KNEW.
I WAS THE ONLY IDIOT
WHO HAD NO FUCKING CLUE!
YOU PATHOLOGICAL
FUCKING LIAR!
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
JENNY, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
GO.
OKAY.
NO, NO--
AND, LIKE,
THAT'S IT.
YOU WANT US
TO ASK, SO...
JUST 'CAUSE SHE'S SQUATTY,
YOU DON'T WANNA HANG OUT.
NO, NO,
I'M NOT SAYING--
AND, LIKE, WHAT?
SHE'S JUST SHORT, GUYS,
ALL RIGHT?
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
SHE'S TINY.
FUCKING SHANE
MET MADONNA
AT HARRY SAMCHUCK'S
PARTY.
MADONNA, LA PETITE BLONDE
QUI CHANTE?
YEAH, SO DOES SHE
WANT YOU?
DID YOU ALREADY
DO HER?
WELL, I AM DOING HER HAIR
NEXT WEEK.
OH, MY GOD.
AND HARRY GAVE
SHANE HIS YACHT.
HE GAVE YOU HIS YACHT?
YEAH,
FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'M HAVING A PARTY,
SO BE THERE, OKAY?
HI.
HEY, GUYS.
HELLO.
HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
HERE'S A CHAIR
FOR YOU.
OH, THANKS,
BABY.
OH...
GOOD TO SEE
YOU GUYS.
SO, TINA,
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
OH, MY GOD.
YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE IT.
MY ACID INDIGESTION
IS SO MUCH BETTER
SINCE DR. WILSON
PRESCRIBED THE ANTACID.
THE TABLETS ARE A LOT
BETTER THAN THE LIQUID.
YEAH, MUCH BETTER.
BUT LAST NIGHT,
I WOKE UP AT 3:00 A.M.
WITH THE MOST
UNBELIEVABLE HEARTBURN.
MY HCG LEVELS
ARE REALLY HIGH,
WHICH CAN BE A GOOD
THING IN A PREGNANCY,
BUT IT MAKES THE NAUSEA
SO MUCH WORSE.
WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED
TO SUBSIDE
AFTER 14 WEEKS...
THIS MORNING,
I'M PULLING
ON MY SOCKS,
AND I NOTICE
THIS VARICOSE VEIN
RIGHT HERE--
OH, GIVE IT
A KISS...
IF SHE KEEPS DOING
HER PRENATAL YOGA
AND THE PELVIC
FLOOR EXERCISES...
IT'S BECAUSE OF
THE INCREASE
IN HORMONE PRODUCTION
THAT THE MUSCULAR WALLS
OF THE VEINS
RELAX.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE
WHAT THE FEMALE
BODY GOES THROUGH.
WHICH REMINDS ME...
TODAY IS OUR CEREMONY
AT SPIRIT FLOW.
WHAT CEREMONY?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
WE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.
THE SIKHS BELIEVE
THAT THE SOUL
ENTERS THE FETUS'S BODY
AT 13 WEEKS.
COOL.
AND GURUDEV,
MY YOGA TEACHER,
SHE DOES
THIS RITUAL,
AND WE WERE
JUST HOPING
THAT YOU GUYS
WOULD BE THERE
FOR THE CHANTING,
AND THERE'S GOING
TO BE A BLESSING.
NO, WE WOULDN'T
MISS IT, WOULD WE?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
SOUNDS GREAT.
[ CHANTING ]
MY GOD.
NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL JOIN ME
IN SINGING
"MAY THE LONGTIME SUN,"
AND REMEMBER TO SEND
YOUR BLESSINGS
TO TINA AND BETTE
AND THE NEW BEING
THEY'RE CREATING.
♪ MAY THE LONGTIME SUN ♪
♪ SHINE UPON YOU ♪
♪ ALL LOVE SURROUND YOU ♪
♪ AND THE PURE LIGHT
WITHIN YOU ♪
♪ GUIDE YOUR WAY HOME ♪
♪ MAY THE LONGTIME SUN
SHINE UPON YOU... ♪
♪ THIS IS NO FUN
FOR ME ♪
♪ THIS IS NO FUN FOR YOU ♪
♪ OH OH OH ♪
♪ CRAWLING BACK TO YOU ♪
♪ IN MY WEAKEST HOUR ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ♪
♪ OH, NO, NO, NO, NO ♪
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU?
♪ OH ♪
I KNOW THAT YOU...
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME
AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU.
WHAT DO YOU NEED, JENNY?
I NEED A BATH.
CAN I GO TO YOUR HOUSE?
I CAN WAIT FOR YOUR BREAK--
I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WANTED
TO SEE ME AGAIN.
WE WERE TOGETHER
FOR FOUR YEARS.
WE WERE ENGAGED.
I JUST HAD TO TRY
TO MAKE THINGS WORK.
HE REALLY LOVES YOU.
HE CAME TO SHOW ME.
TIM DID THAT TO YOU?
YES, BUT DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GOING TO PRESS CHARGES.
AM I JUST A COWARD...
AND A LIAR...
AND A CHEATER?
♪ OH OH WHOA OH OH ♪
♪ NO GOOD FOR YOU ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ OH HO ♪
♪ NO GOOD FOR YOU ♪
♪ AND I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU ♪
ADIOS, CHIQUITAS.
OH, BYE, BABY.
SEE YOU GUYS
LATER.
BYE, KIT.
SEE YOU GUYS.
BYE.
SEE YOU LATER.
NOW,
TELL US AGAIN
ABOUT THIS
CRAZY PARTY
ON THE BOAT.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
HARRY BOOKED
IT, RIGHT,
BUT TURNS OUT,
HE HAS TO GO
OUT OF TOWN, SO...
THERE'S
A FREE BAR,
THERE ARE VERY SWEET
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES.
HEY, IT COULD
BE TIT, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, I'M SURE.
I'M SURE
IT WILL BE TIT,
AND I AM SURE
THAT YOU WILL
COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND
WHY WE WON'T
BE THERE.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
YOU'RE
MISSING OUT.
I'M NESTING,
YOU GUYS.
I WISH
I COULD DESCRIBE
WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE.
IT'S...IT'S...
IT'S OKAY.
WE CAN USE OUR IMAGINATIONS,
REALLY.
PRIMAL.
FEMALES IN
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,
THEY DO THIS
WHEN THEY'RE GESTATING.
YOU BECOME
A HOMEBODY.
YOU JUST RETREAT,
LIKE A BROODING HEN.
SO YOU GUYS
ARE GOING TO PASS UP
A PRIVATE GIRL PARTY
ON THE MOST FAMOUS
GIN PALACE
IN THE PACIFIC
SO YOU CAN GO HOME
AND SIT ON AN EGG?
I MEAN, IS THIS
WHAT I'M HEARING?
YES, THAT IS WHAT
YOU'RE HEARING, ALICE.
YES, WE ARE.
I'VE GOT TO GET BACK
TO WORK, YOU GUYS.
OKAY.
THANKS
FOR COMING.
OKAY, UM...
IT WAS
LOVELY.
YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU GUYS, REALLY.
AND QUITE MOVING.
IT WAS REALLY PRETTY.
YEAH.
IT'S SO DESPERATE,
YOU GUYS.
WE HAVE TO GO AHEAD
AND DO THIS.
YEAH.
6:00, OKAY?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.
SORRY I'M SO LATE, SWEETIE!
I WAS JUST PULLING OUT
OF THE GARAGE
WHEN I REALIZED I FORGOT
THE THREE NEW
NATURAL CHILDBIRTH BOOKS
WE WANT--
W-WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW.
THESE GUYS HAVE SOMETHING
THEY WANT TO TALK TO US ABOUT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE A SEAT
NEXT TO TINA.
CAN I JUST--
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I HAVE IT.
OKAY.
OKAY, THAT...
UH, SHANE...
WILL YOU PUT THAT
IN THE FRIDGE?
BECAUSE LEAVING
HOT FOOD OUT
IS WHAT BRINGS
THE BACTERIA TO LIFE,
AND TOXOPLASMOSIS
IS ONE OF MOST
PREVALENT CAUSES
OF BIRTH DEFECTS.
YOU GET IT FROM
CONTAMINATED FOOD,
UNPASTEURIZED CHEESE,
AND...
CATS. CATS...
OUTDOOR CATS.
SLANDER AGAINST CATS.
WRITE THAT DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU
WRITING, ANYWAY?
OKAY, HERE GOES.
THE REASON
WE'VE GATHERED HERE,
YOUR FRIENDS
AND FAMILY--
BECAUSE WE REALLY DO
CONSIDER YOU GUYS
OUR FAMILY.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHY
WE WERE AT THAT...
RITUAL THING--
IS TO PERFORM
AN INTERVENTION.
LOOK, GUYS, MY COUSINS
DID THIS FOR MY UNCLE BILL,
AND HE HASN'T HAD
A DROP TO DRINK
SINCE THEY PUT HIM
IN A STRAITJACKET
AND HAULED HIM OFF TO REHAB.
I SWEAR.
THANK YOU
FOR THAT, SHANE.
SURE.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.
WELL, THAT
IS A RELIEF,
BECAUSE I CAN
SAFELY SAY
THAT WE'RE BOTH JUST
TOTALLY MYSTIFIED.
AN INTERVENTION IS ABOUT
HELPING PEOPLE YOU LOVE
CHANGE DESTRUCTIVE
PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR.
NOW, OVER THE PAST
APPROXIMATELY...
12.
12 WEEKS,
WE'VE NOTICED
A VERY ALARMING PATTERN.
UM...
YOU TWO ARE HAVING A BABY,
AND WE ARE VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.
WHY WOULDN'T
YOU BE?
WE ARE.
JUMP IN ANY TIME.
OKAY, UM, GUYS...
WE'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN
WITH OTHER COUPLES
THAT WE'VE KNOWN--
JANET AND SUE,
FOR INSTANCE,
CLAUDIA AND TAMMY--
OH, GOD, ESPECIALLY
MIMI AND IVY. WOW.
UM, IT WOULD
KILL US, YOU GUYS,
IF YOU WOUND UP
LIKE MIMI AND IVY, OKAY,
AND WE WOULDN'T
BE YOUR FRIENDS
IF WE JUST STOOD BACK
AND LET YOU...GET SO...
SO...
WHAT?
BORING.
BORING, GUYS.
BORING?
I KNOW THIS
IS PAINFUL.
DENIAL'S VERY COMMON.
IT'S OKAY.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE
ACTUALLY MADE
THIS LIST
OF INCIDENTS,
AND THIS MULTIPLE CHOICE
SELF-ASSESSMENT TEST,
WHICH WE'LL GO THROUGH
WITH YOU,
AND THEN THE TWO OF YOU
CAN FILL IT OUT TOGETHER
AND TALLY THE RESULTS.
IT HAS RESULTS?
RESULTS
YOU CAN TALLY?
JESUS.
OKAY?
OKAY.
READY?
NO, BUT GO AHEAD.
WEDNESDAY,
MARCH 5,
TK ARRIVES AT THE PLANET
WITH A CATALOGUE
OF MATERNITY UNDERWEAR
AND TAKES UP
THE ENTIRE BREAKFAST
MAKING EVERYONE CHOOSE BETWEEN
PIMA COTTON GRANNY PANTIES
AND WIDE WAISTBAND STRETCH LYCRA
MATERNITY BRIEFS.
SURE, I DID THAT,
BUT I NEEDED YOU TO HELP ME--
ACCEPTANCE
IS THE FIRST STEP, TINA.
DANA?
RIGHT.
TINA, THIS ONE'S
FOR YOU.
FROM THE QUESTIONNAIRE--
"AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE
TO THE QUESTION,
'HI, HOW ARE YOU?'
IS..."
I DON'T KNOW.
"A."
"A"
"FINE, THANKS,
AND YOU?"
"B", WHICH ALSO
WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD--
"I'M FEELING
A LITTLE TIRED TODAY,
BUT I'M REALLY HAPPY
TO SEE YOU GUYS,"
BUT "C"?
SHANE?
UH, YEAH,
"C", BEING--
"I'M TAKING
PROGESTERONE SUPPOSITORIES
"AND MY VAGINAL DISCHARGE
IS ALL GOOEY AND BROWNISH
"AND MY GUMS ARE SPONGY
AND BLEEDING
"FROM THE HORMONES
"AND EXTRA BLOOD
COURSING THROUGH
MY BODY..."
BETTE...
I DON'T WANT
YOU TO THINK
THIS IS JUST
ABOUT TINA.
NO, I'M SURE I'VE BORED
THE HELL OUT OF YOU--
LOOK, GUYS,
WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS.
WE DO.
DITTO.
LOVE YOU.
THAT'S WHY IT PAINS US
SO MUCH
TO SEE YOU
IN THIS DOWNWARD SPIRAL.
I MEAN, TINA,
LOOK AT YOUR FEET.
WHAT?
OH, LOOK, SEE,
RIGHT HERE.
IT SAYS,
"TRUE, FALSE.
"RIGHT NOW
I AM WEARING
FUZZY-WUZZY
SLIPPERS."
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. GREAT.
OKAY, SO...HERE,
MAYBE LEAVE SOME COPIES.
YEAH, WE'LL GIVE
YOU SOME EXTRAS
IN CASE YOU
MESS UP...
SEE YOU.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
BYE, LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU GUYS.
YOU'RE NOT BORED
BY YOUR MOMMIES, ARE YOU?
HE'S NOT.
♪ I JUST KEEP MOVING ♪
♪ I JUST KEEP MOVING ON ♪
♪ I JUST KEEP MOVING,
I JUST KEEP MOVING ON ♪
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
♪ I JUST KEEP MOVING ♪
♪ I JUST KEEP MOVING ON ♪
♪ TOLD IT SO LONG
IT BLEW THE COOL ♪
HOLA.
♪ CLOUDS PASSING
OVER TOP OF THAT... ♪
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
CAN YOU HOLD--
CAN YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE?
JUST ONE MINUTE.
[ TURNS MUSIC OFF ]
HI! YEAH.
YEAH, THIS IS ME.
IT'S KIND OF
A WHISTLE STOP TOUR.
I'M LOOKING
AT WASHINGTON U TOMORROW,
THEN I'M OFF TO L.A.
THE FOLLOWING DAY.
I'VE BEEN OFFERED A PLACE
AT USC, AN INTERNSHIP.
LOOK, ANYWAYS,
WHAT I WAS THINKING--
LOOK, I'M IN INTERVIEWS
MOST OF THE AFTERNOON,
AND THEN I'M CATCHING
AN EVENING FLIGHT BACK TO DC,
YOU KNOW, BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE...
MAYBE WE COULD MEET
BEFORE I LEAVE.
LOOK, I REALIZE
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO PUT YOURSELF
IN, YOU KNOW,
STRESSFUL SITUATIONS
AT THIS STAGE
IN THE RECOVERY PROCESS,
AND, LOOK, I WANT TO BE
RESPECTFUL OF THAT.
NO, I'M OKAY.
I--I CAN HANDLE IT.
OKAY?
I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT
UNTIL THEY RELEASE THE CAMPAIGN.
YOU LOOK FUCKING HOT.
YOU SHOULD DRESS
LIKE THAT MORE OFTEN.
I'M GOING
TO A PARTY LATER.
GREAT.
THAT REMINDS ME OF ONE THING,
ACTUALLY.
USUALLY IN
A CONTRACT LIKE THIS,
THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED
A LIFESTYLE CLAUSE,
OKAY, IN WHICH YOU,
AS THE SPOKESPERSON,
ARE EXPECTED
TO, UM..,
REFLECT THE COMPANY'S IMAGE,
YOU KNOW,
IN ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE.
IT CAN MEAN
STUPID THINGS,
LIKE NO PUBLIC
DRUNKENNESS, OR...
I DON'T KNOW,
NO SATAN-WORSHIPPING.
THIS IS THE DEAL.
ONCE YOU SIGN THIS THING,
SUBARU OWNS YOUR ASS.
YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY
BY THEIR RULES.
WHAT ABOUT MARTINA?
YEAH...
YEAH, I KNOW THAT SUBARU
DID THAT WHOLE...
MARTINA LIFESTYLE CAMPAIGN,
BUT THAT'S
DIFFERENT.
THAT'S MARTINA.
SHE'S A SUPERSTAR.
YOU KNOW, SHE CAN PULL OFF
THAT WHOLE GAY THING,
BUT YOU'RE NOT MARTINA,
BABE.
YOU'RE NOT TIGER WOODS,
YOU'RE NOT A SUPERSTAR.
WHAT YOU ARE
IS VERY HOT, VERY SEXY.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS YOUR
CHANCE TO CASH IN,
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO
FACE THE FACTS, DANA.
THE CLOCK'S TICKING.
YOU KNOW, YOUR...
YOUR ANNA KOURNIKOVA DAYS
ARE NUMBERED.
FUCK YOU, CONRAD.
HEY, I'VE OFFERED.
OH, LIGHTEN UP,
FAIRBANKS. COME ON.
YOU CAN BE A LEZ
WHEN YOU RETIRE.
OKAY, RIGHT NOW,
YOU'RE AN ASS-KICKIN', BUT...
DICK-LOVIN' ATHLETE
WHO'S GETTING
A FAT PAYCHECK.
ALL YOU'VE
GOT TO DO
IS SMILE PRETTY
FOR THE CAMERA.
CAPICHE?
HEY, LADIES,
HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD.
NAMES, PLEASE?
BETTE PORTER
AND TINA KENNARD.
BETTE AND TINA...
THERE YOU GO.
UH, SHANE'S NOT HERE YET,
BUT YOU CAN GO ON BOARD
AND MAKE YOURSELVES
FEEL COMFORTABLE.
THANKS.
OKAY, THANKS.
ACTUALLY, YOU'RE
THE FIRST TWO TO ARRIVE.
UH-OH.
WE'RE THE FIRST
ONES HERE?
THAT'S REALLY
BORING, ISN'T IT?
THAT'S BORING.
SO BORING...
GOD...
THIS IS SO NICE.
IT IS.
AND SO PEACEFUL.
♪ WE'LL DANCE
IN THE SUNSHINE ♪
[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]
♪ COME AWAY WITH ME ♪
♪ TO FINALLY KISS ME
IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT
WE'LL BE FREE ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ DANCE IN THE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ TODAY IS THE DAY
WE'VE GOT TO PLAY ♪
YEAH, THIS IS
WHAT I NEEDED.
AH, I KNOW.
WISH TRINA COULD BE HERE.
♪ DANCE IN THE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ THIS VINE HAS GOT TO STAY ♪
[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]
♪ WE'LL DANCE IN THE SUNLIGHT ♪
♪ WITH THE SPRAY
COMING OFF THE SEA ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ TO FINALLY KISS YOU
IN THE DAYLIGHT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT WE
ARE FREE ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ WE'LL DANCE IN THE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ COME AWAY WITH ME ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
SO YOU STILL
HAVEN'T TOLD ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
COUNTS AS SEX?
I DON'T KNOW...
IF YOU HAVE AN ORGASM?
WELL, IF THAT WAS THE CASE,
THAT WOULD MEAN
THOUSANDS OF WOMEN
WHO ARE MARRIED
AND HAVE CHILDREN
HAVE NEVER HAD SEX...
BUT EITHER WAY,
YOU AND I DEFINITELY HAVE
HAD SEX.
YOU ARE SO SEXY, DANA.
YOU MAKE ME
COME SO HARD.
OH, DID I OFFEND YOU
OR SOMETHING?
NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
DANA, WHAT'S UP?
I JUST--I NEED
YOU TO STOP.
STOP WHAT?
TOUCHING ME.
KISSING ME.
I CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?
I'M NOT READY FOR ALL THIS.
I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU.
I DON'T THINK
I'VE EVER MET ANYONE MORE READY
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I KNOW.
I'M GAY,
AND WHEN I HIDE THAT,
I HIDE THE BEST PART OF ME,
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ME.
MY CLOCK IS TICKING, LARA,
AND YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX
IN THE STREET--
WHAT?
AND I DON'T WANT
TO PARADE AROUND
MAKING SURE EVERYBODY
KNOWS OUR BUSINESS.
I'M NOT LIKE YOU.
I CARE WHAT THEY THINK.
LOOK, IS THIS ABOUT
THE AD CAMPAIGN OR SOMETHING?
DID YOUR AGENT
SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU?
JUST, I CAN'T STAND
TO BE JUDGED BY YOU
ALL THE TIME.
YOU'RE A BIGGER,
BETTER PERSON THAN ME,
AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU,
I'M REMINDED OF THAT.
I'M SORRY.
I'VE BEEN PUTTING
TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOU,
AND I'M MOVING TOO FAST.
MAYBE WE SHOULD--
NO.
NO?
I JUST, I--I CAN'T.
OKAY? JUST FORGET IT!
I CAN'T.
THIS IS TOO HARD.
I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
LAST NIGHT AROUND 9:15?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK
BRUSHING MY TEETH?
DID YOU FEEL
ANYTHING?
BECAUSE I WAS
SENDING YOU REIKI.
OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU SAY 9:15?
REIKI,
ISN'T THAT BORING?
REALLY BORING.
WRITE IT DOWN.
YOU'RE UNDER SO MUCH
STRESS RIGHT NOW
WITH EVERYTHING
THAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOUR MOTHER
AND YOUR SIBLINGS.
IF YOU WANT,
I COULD DO SOME
HANDS ON WITH YOU
LATER TONIGHT.
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
I WOULD REALLY
LOVE THAT.
I, ACTUALLY,
I HAVE THIS--
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU CAN FEEL THIS.
YEAH. YEAH.
CAN YOU FEEL THAT?
IT'S DEFINITELY
BLOCKED.
HOLD ON A SECOND?
HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY.
WHERE'S YOUR WOMAN?
SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT.
THAT SUCKS.
ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
ARE YOU
FEELING THAT?
YEAH...
YEAH, I THINK SO.
I'M WORKING
TELEPATHICALLY
ON YOUR GLUTES
RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT.
YOU'RE CARRYING
A LOT OF STRESS
IN YOUR LOWER
BACK AND HIPS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW...
I'M RELEASING IT.
OKAY.
CAN I TAKE
YOUR SHIRT OFF?
I THINK IT
MIGHT HELP.
YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH,
SURE, OF COURSE.
I MEAN, IF YOU THINK
IT'LL HELP.
OKAY.
ARE YOU READY?
READY.
ALL RIGHT, CHEERS.
[ GIGGLES ]
ONE MORE, ONE MORE,
ONE MORE, ONE MORE.
ONE MORE?
YES. ONE MORE.
ARE WE READY?
YOU READY?
ALL RIGHT.
AND GO.
CHEERS.
FABULOUS.
OKAY.
WHOO!
♪ I'M NOT YOUR HAND-ME-DOWN ♪
♪ I DON'T GET PASSED AROUND ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I'M NOT YOUR HAND-ME-DOWN ♪
♪ I DON'T GET PASSED AROUND ♪
OH, GOD, YEAH.
MMM.
OHH.
WAIT.
WHAT?
I HAVE SOMETHING.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
WHY WOULD I
BE KIDDING?
WELL, BECAUSE...
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.
YOU KNOW?
YOU'VE GOT THE REAL THING.
THAT'S NOT HOW I WANT
TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.
THAT'S HOW
I WANT YOU TO, OKAY?
BUT IT GOES AGAINST
WHO I AM.
LISTEN,
YOU'RE A MAN.
YOU'RE A MAN
NAMED LISA,
BUT YOU'RE
DEFINITELY A MAN...
I'M A LESBIAN...MAN.
[ MOANS ]
♪ TAKE YOUR HAND OFF YOUR HIPS
AND SHAKE IT ♪
♪ TAKE YOUR HANDS
OFF YOUR HIPS AND MAKE IT ♪
♪ TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR HIPS
AND TAKE IT OFF THE GROUND ♪
DANA'S REALLY GETTING DOWN
WITH HER BAD SELF.
♪ TAKE YOUR HANDS OF YOUR HIPS
AND SHAKE IT ♪
♪ TAKE YOUR HANDS
OFF YOUR HIPS AND MAKE IT ♪
YEAH, AND I BET
HER BAD SELF
IS GOING TO FEEL
REAL BAD IN THE MORNING.
♪ INTO THE AIR ♪
HOW ARE YOU
HOLDING UP?
MM, NOT SO GOOD.
DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE
A 12-STEP PROGRAM
FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE
ADDICTED TO DOMESTICITY?
♪ INTO THE AIR ♪
♪ INTO THE... ♪
[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT?
NO, NO, NO.
NO, DON'T DO THIS.
WH--WHA--
BUT YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
HERE, QUICK.
SLIP UNDER MY CLOAK
OF BORINGNESS,
AND NO ONE WILL EVEN
NOTICE WE'RE GONE.
[ SPANISH SONG ]
[ ♪♪ ]
[ SNIFFING ]
[ RETCHING ]
HANG IN THERE.
I'VE GOT YOU.
OH...
BABY, LET IT OUT.
LET IT GO.
[ VOMITING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
HERE'S YOUR HOT MILK AND HONEY
IF YOU STILL WANT IT.
I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU, TOO.
AND I THINK YOU'RE
THE MOST EXCITING WOMAN
IN ALL OF
LOS ANGELES.
BABY, WILL YOU
TURN OFF THE LIGHT?
HEY, YOU GUYS,
WHERE ARE
BETTE AND TINA?
BORING.
YEAH,
SO BORING.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT IT,
WHAT'S MORE
BORING, RIGHT?
YOU MAKE
ENDLESS LISTS,
AND YOU BAWL
YOUR HEAD OFF,
AND THEN PUKE OVER
THE SIDE OF THE BOAT,
OR YOU GET
TO GO HOME
AND GO TO SLEEP
WITH THE SAME PERSON
YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH
FOR SEVEN YEARS?
I DON'T KNOW.
HEY...
SHANE...
HEY, HEY, HEY,
SHANE, GET DOWN.
SHANE, PLEASE
GET DOWN.
SHANE...
YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
GET DOWN.
♪ OH OH ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ AH YEAH ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ [ HUMMING ] ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ OOH YEAH ♪
[ KNOCKING ]
OOF!
OH...
OKAY, I'M COMING.
OH, GOD...
WAKEY-WAKEY.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I GOT FOOD POISONING.
OH, GOD.
YEAH, TELL
WHAT'S-HER-NAME
TO DO YOU SOBER
THE NIGHT BEFORE
A PHOTO SHOOT.
SHE UP THERE?
NO, SHE, UH...
I'LL GO GET READY.
YEAH, MAKE YOURSELF
PRESENTABLE.
THE MAKEUP ARTIST
WILL DO THE REST.
THEY CAN WORK WONDERS,
PROFESSIONAL MAKEUP PEOPLE.
REMEMBER GIA?
20...
COME ON, FIVE MORE,
DON'T GIVE UP.
HOW ARE YOU EVER
GOING TO GET
THOSE BUNS
OF STEEL?
I DON'T WANT
BUNS OF STEEL.
SHOOT,
I'LL TAKE THEM.
AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO
STRAP ON THAT TORTURE TREATMENT.
YOU KNOW THESE GIRLS
LIKE THEIR STRAP-ONS.
SHUT UP,
HARRISON.
OH, NO,
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
AND...DONE.
COME ON,
LET'S STRETCH.
OOH, WHAT'S UP?
I WAS WONDERING
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TONIGHT?
I HAVE A LOT OF PAPERWORK.
WHY?
DAVID CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY.
OKAY...
SO I'LL LEAVE
YOU GUYS TO IT.
UM, SAME TIME
TOMORROW?
YEAH.
GOOD JOB.
THANKS.
BYE.
DID YOU KNOW
HE WAS GOING TO CALL ME?
DAD SAID HE MIGHT.
DON'T BE ANGRY
WITH ME.
I DIDN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO GET YOUR HOPES UP
IN CASE HE DIDN'T.
BUT THAT'S
BULLSHIT,
THIS WHOLE CHARADE
ABOUT HIM CALLING ME
BECAUSE MELVIN SAYS
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT--IT--IT'S
BULLSHIT!
I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.
I--I TOLD HIM
I WOULD MEET HIM TONIGHT
AT 6:00
AT HIS HOTEL.
I'M SO SCARED.
WOULD YOU COME WITH ME?
I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 5:30.
WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING?
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M THINKING THAT
I'M VERY HAPPY.
YOU ARE?
YEAH, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT I'M SO HAPPY
WHEN TIM HURTS
SO MUCH.
YOU DESERVE
TO BE HAPPY.
I HAVE MY,
UM, JOURNALS
AND MY COMPUTER
AT TIM'S,
AND I WAS
WONDERING
IF I CAN BRING
THEM HERE,
BECAUSE THEY
WOULDN'T TAKE UP
A LOT OF SPACE.
YOU WANT
TO BRING THEM HERE?
YES.
NO, I'M NOT SAYING
THAT I WANT TO
MOVE IN WITH YOU,
AND IT WOULD JUST BE
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,
BUT I FEEL LIKE
I SHOULD BE
WRITING RIGHT NOW.
I WOULD FEEL
HONORED.
I THINK I COULD--
YOU SURE WON'T HERE.
NO--
REALLY?
BECAUSE IT'S
BEAUTIFUL
THE WAY THE LIGHT
IS COMING IN
THROUGH THE WINDOWS,
AND I FEEL
VERY INSPIRED.
YOU DO?
I DO.
YES, YOU COULD,
UM...
YOU COULD WRITE
AT THE DESK,
AND LOOK OVER
AT THE CANALS, AND...
YOU COULD WRITE GREAT
WORKS OF LITERATURE
THAT WOULD GO DOWN
IN HISTORY.
DON'T YOU WISH THERE WAS
A PARALLEL UNIVERSE?
A PARALLEL
UNIVERSE?
YEAH.
WHERE WE COULD LIVE OUT
THIS FANTASY?
YOU KNOW,
IT WOULDN'T BE
FOR MORE
THAN A WEEK,
BECAUSE I CAN'T STAY
AT TIM'S ANY MORE,
AND IT WOULD JUST
BE UNTIL I, UM...
I GUESS I HAVE
TO FIND--
I WOULD LOVE TO.
YOU WOULD
LOVE TO?
OOH, YES. YES...
BUT FRANCESCA'S
COMING BACK TOMORROW.
FRANCESCA?
YEAH.
SHE WAS IN ROME
DOING A BALLET,
AND THEN FOUR MONTHS
IN BUDAPEST,
AND THEN...
DOING A MOVIE.
WHO IS
FRANCESCA?
FRANCESCA.
YOU KNOW.
I TOLD YOU.
EVERYBODY KNOWS.
NO.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
JENNY, THIS IS NOT
THE SOLUTION.
WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
YOU HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND I,
FRANCESCA AND I--
IT'S SO DIFFERENT.
SHE TRAVELS FOUR
TO FIVE MONTHS A YEAR.
SHE'S A COSTUME DESIGNER.
WHAT'S HER LAST NAME?
WOLFF, WITH TWO Fs.
WHO ARE YOU?
SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU.
YOU'LL FIND THAT
YOUR LIFE IS RICHER,
MORE FULL OF POSSIBILITIES
AND CHOICES.
I'VE OPENED UP YOUR WORLD.
FUCK YOU.
JENNY...
DON'T...
TOUCH ME.
THAT'S GREAT, DANA!
YOU LOOK AMAZING!
LOOK OUT,
KOURNIKOVA,
HERE COMES DANA FAIRBANKS!
I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD SIT
AT THE BAR.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I'M NOT GOING
TO DRINK TONIGHT.
TONIGHT?
COME ON.
TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW ME SHITFACED?
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
NO, THE POINT IS
THAT YOU AND DAVID HAVE BEEN
BRAINWASHED BY MELVIN
INTO THINKING THAT I'M
SOME KIND OF FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU LADIES?
I'LL HAVE
A MINERAL WATER, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY,
I WILL HAVE THE SAME THING ALSO.
OH! BETTER YET,
I'LL HAVE A SELTZER.
HOW ABOUT A SQUIRT
OF ROSE'S LIME IN THAT?
MM-HMM, SURE.
I WAS HAVING A DRINK
THE OTHER NIGHT
WHEN DAVID CALLED,
AND I HAVEN'T
HAD ONE SINCE.
IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS.
I'M GOING TO TRY.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
AT LEAST YOU'RE TRYING.
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, DRINKING?
THAT'S JUST EASY FOR ME.
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DRINK.
NO, I MEAN, HOW DO YOU
KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER?
I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL DOWN.
CAREER, LOVE.
LOOK AT YOU.
NOW YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE A FAMILY.
WHAT?
IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH TINA?
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
WHAT? WHAT?
NO, NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
TINA'S FINE.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT.
YOU SURE?
YEAH, I JUST--I--
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
SOME THINGS ON MY MIND,
BUT IT'S NOTHING.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
YOU'RE HAVING THE DADDY BLUES.
YOU ARE
WORRYING ABOUT
ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES
COMING DOWN ON YOU,
THE FINANCIAL
RESPONSIBILITIES,
THE "I CAN'T TAKE
ANY MORE RISK"
RESPONSIBILITIES...
BECAUSE NOW THERE
ARE TWO OTHER LIVES
THAT ARE TOTALLY DEPENDENT
ON YOU KEEPING
EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
IT'S A MONSTER.
IT'S BIG.
YEAH, IT IS.
I'M SURE--
I'M SURE THAT'S ALL IT IS.
SURE IT IS.
BECAUSE YOU AND TINA ARE SOLID.
YOU'VE GOT A MARRIAGE
LIKE GOD CHOSE YOU TWO
TO FIND EACH OTHER,
AND THAT'S A LOVE
YOU NEVER WANT TO LET GO.
I'VE GOT TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU ARE MAKING
ONE BIG PRODUCTION
OUT OF ALL THAT.
JUST WANT YOU TO GET
YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.
THERE WE GO.
ENJOY.
SKOAL, BABY.
THAT WAS AMAZING.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT. REALLY.
THANK YOU.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
REALLY.
HEY, DO YOU GUYS
WANT TO SEE
THE PRELIMINARY ART?
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
SUPER. I'VE GOT MOCK-UPS
RIGHT OVER HERE.
OH, GREAT.
OKAY, CHECK THESE OUT.
THIS IS THE ONE
THAT WE LIKE BEST.
SEE, OUR CONCEPT IS--
WE WANT TO POSITION YOU
AS THE GAY ANNA KOURNIKOVA.
WHAT?
THE GAY ANNA KOURNIKOVA.
HOLD IT--
HOLD ON A SECOND, HERE,
GUYS.
WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS IS NOT SOMETHING
WE DISCUSSED.
I DON'T THINK
THAT YOU--
I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.
I WANT TO BE
THE GAY ANNA KOURNIKOVA.
I DO.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
SETTLED, THEN.
THIS IS BRILLIANT.
WAIT A SECOND,
THIS IS BRILLIANT.
THIS IS--
THIS IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF THING
WE'VE BEEN GROPING FOR.
IT'S A HOOK--
YOU GUYS...
THAT'S WHY THEY PAY YOU
THE BIG BUCKS.
RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
RIGHT, BABE?
YOU'RE FIRED.
GET OUT OF HERE...
NO, REALLY.
YOU'RE FIRED.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU'VE NO IDEA...
HOW GOOD THIS FEELS.
WHAT TIME
DO YOU HAVE?
7:00.
WELL, MAYBE
HE GOT HELD UP
IN HIS MEETING.
WHAT TIME DID HE SAY
HE WAS GOING TO--
IT WAS 4:00.
THAT'S NOT
HIM, KIT.
OKAY, WHAT DID YOU SAY
HIS NAME WAS?
DAVID WATERS.
WATERS, RIGHT.
HERE HE IS.
DAVID WATERS
CHECKED OUT
ABOUT 45 MINUTES AGO.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES.
HE'S ABOUT
25 YEARS OLD--
SIX FEEL TALL,
GIVE OR TAKE,
IN A TAN SUIT?
I REMEMBER HIM.
I CHECKED HIM OUT MYSELF.
I SAW HIM GET INTO A CAB,
IN FACT.
I'M SURE THERE'S BEEN
A MISUNDERSTANDING.
WE'LL CALL HIM.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO CALL HIM?
I HAVE HIS
NUMBER IN D.C.
NO.
[ DISTANT SIRENS ]
[ KNOCKING QUIETLY ]
YOU HAVE NO REASON
TO BE KIND TO ME,
BUT I NEED TO STAY
IN MY WRITING STUDIO TONIGHT.
WHY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
TIM, PLEASE...
BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY
THAT I WISH THAT NONE OF THIS
HAD NEVER HAPPENED.
JENNY...
THE THINGS YOU SAY...
HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING
TO ME.
ONE NIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
♪ THE OLDEST STORY
IN THE WORLD ♪
GO AROUND THE BACK.
♪ THE FOOLISH GIRL ♪
♪ OH, GOOD LORD,
WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE ♪
♪ TO JUST STOP MAKING
THE SAME MISTAKE ♪
♪ ALL THE TROUBLE
PLEASURE BRINGS ♪
♪ PEOPLE DO
THE DUMBEST THINGS ♪
♪ AND I'VE BEEN DUMB
AS I CAN BE ♪
♪ WHEN I LET YOU GET TO ME ♪
♪ I LET YOU GET TO ME ♪
♪ I OPENED THE DOOR ♪
♪ I LET YOU GET TO ME ♪
♪ AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪
♪ I'D RATHER BE MISERABLE ♪
♪ THAN ALL ALONE ♪
♪ SO I'LL YOU GET TO ME ♪
♪ WHO CAN BLAME
YOUR SORRY SELF ♪
♪ FOR NOT REFUSING
TO TAKE A PASS ♪
♪ I'M THE ONE
WHO CLOSED MY EYES ♪
♪ I SOLD OUT
AND BOUGHT THE LIES ♪
♪ WE COULD EVEN EXCHANGE PARTS ♪
♪ IF NOT FOR CONSCIENCE
AND A BEATING HEART ♪
♪ NOW I'M IN PRISON,
AND YOU'RE FREE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I LET YOU
GET TO ME ♪
♪ I LET YOU GET TO ME ♪
♪ I OPENED THE DOOR ♪
♪ I LET YOU GET TO ME ♪
♪ AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR ♪
♪ I'D RATHER BE MISERABLE ♪
♪ THAN ALL ALONE ♪
♪ SO I'LL LET YOU GET TO ME ♪