[ KNOCKING ]
OW.
HEY, HELEN.
STACY NEVER CAME HOME.
YOU GOT A WILD ONE
ON YOUR HANDS, HELEN.
YOU KNEW THAT GOING IN.
YOU DIDN'T RUN INTO HER
AT THE BOILER ROOM?
NO.
I NEVER SAW HER TONIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, I PICKED IT UP
AT THAT ESTATE AUCTION.
I THINK
IT'S A JAMA-COAQUE
FROM ECUADOR,
ABOUT 500 A.D.
SOME MINOR DEMON, LIKE ABRAXAS
OR FORCAS
OR SOMETHING.
WHATEVER.
LISTEN, DON'T STRESS OUT
ABOUT STACY.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.
SHE PROBABLY WENT
TO ANOTHER PARTY
AND IS PASSED OUT
ON SOMEONE'S COUCH.
WELL, WHAT IF SOMETHING
HAPPENED TO HER?
I'M SURE SHE'S FINE.
I'M WAITING A FEW MORE HOURS,
THEN I'M GOING TO THE POLICE.
WHO WAS THAT?
YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I LIVE HERE,
LAST TIME I CHECKED.
I THOUGHT
THAT YOU HAD PRACTICE.
RANDY'S TAKING
THE PRACTICE.
I'M TRYING TO MAP OUT
A STUDY SCHEDULE FOR TRISH.
IF SHE DOESN'T
PASS PHYSICS,
SHE CAN'T COMPETE
IN THE PAC-10s NEXT MONTH, SO...
WOW.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
REALLY?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M...I'M JUST...
GOING TO THE PLANET,
AND I'M GOING
TO GO WRITE.
I NEED A CHANGE
OF ENVIRONMENT,
SO...
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I'M GOING TO COME WITH YOU.
I GOT TO GET
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
IT'S NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
IT HAPPENS, DANA.
IT'S NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME.
IT'S A PERFECTLY
NATURAL THING.
IT DOESN'T CHANGE
THE WAY I FEEL
ABOUT YOU
OR HOW MUCH PLEASURE
YOU GAVE ME.
[ CAT MEOWS ]
UGH. WHAT IS THAT?
SANDWICH.
WANT SOME?
PASS.
BYE, HON...
OH, THAT IS
DISGUSTING.
BYE, BABE.
BYE.
[ JAZZY ROCK MUSIC ]
♪ ♪
♪ I HEAR PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ SAYING THEY DON'T CARE ♪
♪ THIS DREAM FEELS LIKE ♪
♪ IT'S CALLING OUT THE RAIN ♪
♪ SO MANY KINDS OF LOVE ♪
♪ TOO MANY TO KEEP TRACK OF ♪
♪ TO BE MEASURED ♪
♪ TOO MUCH PAIN ♪
♪ NO PLACE YOU CAN SETTLE ♪
♪ NO PLACE TO CALL YOUR HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE BY YOURSELF ♪
♪ BUT NEVER QUITE ALONE ♪
♪ NOT ENOUGH OXYGEN ♪
♪ AT ANY ELEVATION ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN BUY
THESE THINGS IN BULK.
IT'S SO WEIRD.
OH, MY GOD, I'D HAVE SO MUCH
MORE RESPECT FOR THAT BOX
IF IT HAD
SOME MORE HONEST PICTURES,
LIKE SOME SOBBING,
INFERTILE WOMAN
WITH A NEGATIVE
TEST STICK IN HER HAND.
YEAH, AND ON
THE OTHER SIDE,
IT COULD HAVE
A TEENAGE GIRL
WITH A POSITIVE ONE,
ABOUT TO HANG HERSELF.
YEAH.
IT'D BE GOOD.
[ ♪♪ ]
HOW DO YOU NOT
PEE ON YOUR HAND?
YOU JUST AIM
BELOW THE CLIT.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH.
WHERE DID YOU THINK
PEE CAME OUT OF?
I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S A LOT
GOING ON DOWN THERE.
THIS IS MY 10th
EARLY PREGNANCY TEST.
IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I USED TO THINK YOU
COULD GET PREGNANT
BY GIVING A GUY A BLOW JOB.
I USED TO THINK YOU
COULD GET PREGNANT
THROUGH YOUR PANTS.
OR BY TOUCHING THE HANDLE
OF THE BOYS' BATHROOM.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO GO BACK TO MEN?
I'M POSITIVE.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH DRAMA
AND MIND FUCKS,
AND WOMEN ARE
FUCKING CRAZY.
YEAH, AND MEN
ARE BORING.
YEAH, WELL, BRING IT ON,
BECAUSE I COULD USE
A LITTLE NICE,
UNCOMPLICATED,
BORING BOY-GIRL SEX
MASQUERADING AS LOVE.
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ NOT ENOUGH OXYGEN ♪
♪ AT ANY ELEVATION ♪
[ DOOR OPENS ]
JEN?
TIM?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
I'M GOOD.
YOU SURE?
YEAH.
YEAH, HEY.
I HATE THESE
UNISEX BATHROOMS.
YOU KNOW?
IT'S SHOCKING TO
HEAR A MAN'S VOICE,
AND THEY PEE
EVERYWHERE.
IT'S JUST...
COMPLETELY GROSS.
I'LL TRY TO BE
CONSIDERATE.
[ UNBUCKLES AND UNZIPS PANTS ]
[ URINATES ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT MAKES ME SICK
WHAT THIS ADMINISTRATION'S DOING
TO OUR ENVIRONMENT.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.
TINA, IT'S POSITIVE.
WHAT?
OH, MY...
OH, MY GOD!
I'M PREGNANT.
YOU DID IT!
OH, MY GOD!
I'M PREGNANT.
OH, MY...
YOU DID IT.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK, I'M A CLICHE.
I'M SITTING HERE
STUFFING MY FACE.
HEY, GUYS.
OH, GOD, IT'S KIT.
KIT, COME HERE, COME HERE.
TINA'S PREGNANT.
WE JUST FOUND OUT
JUST THIS SECOND.
LOOK.
WOW.
OH, WOW.
OH.
OH, I'M SO HAPPY
FOR YOU.
THIS IS GREAT.
OH, THIS IS GREAT.
DOES BETTE KNOW?
JEN, I HAVE TO RUN
THESE STUDY PLANS OVER TO TRISH.
OKAY. THAT'S FINE.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO?
OH, HEY.
NO. NO, SHE
DIDN'T MENTION THAT.
REALLY? YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, ANYWAY,
YOU PROBABLY WANT
TO TALK TO JENNY.
THE GREAT
NICK BARASHKOV.
YOU SURE
YOU WANT THIS?
SHUT UP.
HELLO?
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
GUESS WHAT.
I KILLED SARAH SHUSTER.
YOU PROMISE?
WELL, YOU KNOW
I PROMISE.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YES, I PROMISE.
I WON'T TELL BETTE WE KNEW
BEFORE SHE KNEW.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO BE SO GOOD.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE FUN.
UH-UH.
I KNOW.
NO RED MEAT, NO ADDITIVES,
NO MARGARITAS,
WINE, BEER,
AND NO XANAX,
NO MATTER
HOW STRESSED OUT I GET.
NO MORE SMACK,
NO MORE CRACK,
AND NO MORE BLOW.
I'M GOING TO DO
EVERYTHING RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO BE
AS TOGETHER ABOUT THIS
AS BETTE IS
HER WORK.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FAMILY.
UH-HUH.
OH, MY GOD.
WELL, I HAVE TO GO,
SO I'LL TALK TO YOU
LATER.
LIPS ARE SEALED.
PROMISE.
TINA,
THE REASON WHY I CAME
IS BETTE TOLD ME
THERE WAS A LETTER
HERE FOR ME.
OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S FROM DAVID.
YOU OKAY?
WOW.
UH, YEAH.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM
IN FIVE YEARS.
OKAY.
YOU AND BETTE
ARE GOING TO BE
GREAT PARENTS.
THANKS, BABY.
NOW, GO ON.
YOU GO CALL HER
BEFORE YOU EXPLODE.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
I WAS COMPLETELY
DONE WITH HER,
SO I JUST DECIDED
SHE NEEDED TO GO.
OH, NICK, OF COURSE
I VALUE YOUR OPINION.
YOU WERE THE FIRST.
YOU ARE?
OKAY.
YES, I WOULD LOVE TO.
I WOULD ABSO-ABSO-ABSOLUTELY
LOVE TO.
[ GASPS ]
YOU HAVE A TAN?
OH, MY GOD,
DO YOU STILL...
DO YOU LOOK LIKE
GEORGE HAMILTON?
[ BETTE ]:
I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONCERNS.
THE BILL VIOLA
WENT TO SEATTLE.
HE CAN MAYBE DO 2005...
AND TINA'S STILL ON LINE THREE.
YES.
GREAT TALKING TO YOU TOO.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. BYE.
BABY, I CANNOT TALK RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, OKAY.
I'LL MAKE IT REALLY QUICK.
JUST PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL COME
HOME FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
I'M COOKING.
THAT'S GOING TO BE
A TOUGH ONE TO SWING.
PLEASE? IT'S
REALLY IMPORTANT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I'LL MAKE IT ALL BETTER.
THE ONLY WAY YOU
CAN MAKE IT BETTER
IS IF YOU COME UP WITH A SHOW
FOR MY BIG, GAPING, SPRING SLOT.
SHELDON TOMLIN'S ON TWO.
FUCK SHELDON TOMLIN.
BABY, I CAN'T
TALK RIGHT NOW.
I WILL TRY TONIGHT.
THAT IS THE BEST
I CAN DO, OKAY?
OKAY. TRY.
OKAY. BYE.
SHELDON!
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR CALLING ME BACK.
NO, IT'S TRUE.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
MOCA'S A BIG INSTITUTION.
IT'S HARD TO COMPETE.
LOOK, UM, THE REASON
THAT I WAS CALLING YOU...
WELL, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR
IS THE SOUND
OF ME EATING MY WORDS.
SHELDON,
I WOULD LIKE TO BOOK
IMPRESSIONS IN WINTER,
AND I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T
HOLD IT AGAINST ME THAT--
FRANKLIN DIDN'T
TELL ME ANYTHING.
THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE.
NO, THE C.A.C.
IS NOT IN TURMOIL--
NO, OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, AND NOTHING PERSONAL
ON MY PART, EITHER.
OKAY. BYE.
FRANKLIN,
HEADING THIS WAY.
GOD DAMN IT.
DOES IT EVER FUCKING STOP?
IS SHE IN?
UH, NO. NOT YET.
I SEE.
WILL YOU TELL HER
THAT THE BOARD
IS CONVENING FOR
AN UNSCHEDULED MEETING
TOMORROW EVENING?
AND SHE WOULD BE
WELL ADVISED
TO ATTEND.
FRANKLIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TALKING TO MY DOOR?
I'M OFF TO
MY BERNARD RIDDLE MEETING.
HE'S GOT HALF A BILLION DOLLARS
HE WANTS TO LAY
ON SOME MUSEUM
SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES
THAT'S DOING ANYTHING
REMOTELY PROGRESSIVE.
BERNARD RIDDLE
IS WAY OUT OF
YOUR LEAGUE, DEAR.
HE MAY BE OUT OF
THE C.A.C.'S LEAGUE, FRANKLIN,
BUT HE'S CERTAINLY
NOT OUT OF MINE.
OKAY, YOU GUYS,
I JUST SAW THE CUTEST GUY
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
WHAT?
I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT WHAT?
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN
WITH YOU AND LARA?
NO, I'M JUST NEVER
HAVING SEX AGAIN, THAT'S ALL.
EASY, DANA.
COME ON.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
MORE HUMILIATED
OR EMBARRASSED
OR ASHAMED
OF ANYTHING
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
WHAT, DID SHE TIE YOU UP
AND LEAVE YOU?
NO, NOTHING
LIKE THAT.
OKAY, OKAY.
I HAVE A FRIEND,
SHE WENT DOWN ON A GIRL,
SHE WAS DOWN THERE,
AND SHE SNEEZED.
IS THAT IT?
GROSS.
IT WASN'T ME.
IT WAS A FRIEND.
SO WHAT?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME.
DID YOU QUEEF?
DID I...
SEE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
IS THAT...
OKAY, IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE FEMALE EJACULATED.
WELL, MISS DANA.
WOW, THIS LARA MUST BE
A KILLER IN BED, HUH?
YEAH...
YEAH, YEAH. SHE...
THAT'S A GOOD THING?
DANA, WOMEN STRIVE FOR THIS.
THEY READ BOOKS ABOUT THE
G-SPOT, THEY GO TO WORKSHOPS.
OH, MY GOD, YOU SHOULD BE
TOTALLY AND UTTERLY ECSTATIC.
OH, MY GOD,
THERE HE IS.
TELL ME HE'S NOT THE CUTEST GUY
YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
OH, LIS.
HEY.
HOW YOU DOING?
HOW ARE YOU?
UM...
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.
THIS IS ALICE,
AND THIS IS DANA.
GUYS, THIS IS LISA.
HI.
LIS--
THAT'S LISA.
[ PHONE RINGS ]
OH, SHIT.
OH, GOD,
IT'S MY MOTHER.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, MOTHER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE IN L.A.?
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHO IS THAT?
UH-UH. FORGET IT, MAN.
YOU SURE?
YEAH, SHE...
WELL, SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO BE A LESBIAN ANYMORE.
SINCE WHEN?
WELL, SHE WAS DATING
ONE OF THOSE
HOT-AND-COLD CHICKS,
AND, WELL,
SHE GOT HER HEART
COMPLETELY BUSTED.
NO! I...
OKAY.
I CAN'T COME,
BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO...
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK
IN, LIKE,
A HALF AN HOUR.
THAT'S A SHAME...
YEAH.
BUT IT'S NO REASON
TO SWEAR OFF BEING A LESBIAN.
I AGREE.
MAYBE I CAN CHANGE HER MIND.
WAIT, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE NOTICED,
BUT YOU'RE A GUY.
LISA'S A LESBIAN.
I'M A LESBIAN-IDENTIFIED MAN.
I KNOW.
OKAY, WELL,
MY MOM'S AT THE PLAZA.
THERE'S BEEN SOME SORT
OF MISUNDERSTANDING,
AND SHE'S BEEN HERE
FOR FIVE FUCKING DAYS.
WELL, TELL HER I SAID HI.
OH, HEY, IS SHE STILL
WITH THAT STUNT GUY?
ASK HER.
BYE, ALICE.
BYE. BYE, UH,
IT'S...MY MOM...
HEY, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
OKAY, GUYS.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE, AL.
SWEETIE...
I WAS PLANNING ON
CALLING YOU TOMORROW.
OH, IT'S BEEN
SO CRAZY.
I'M HERE FOR THE NEW
GERARD LICHTMAN FILM,
AND HE'S JUST BEEN
SO DEMANDING
OF MY TIME.
DID YOU KNOW HE HAS
FIVE STANDARD POODLES?
GERARD LICHTMAN?
WOW. REALLY?
YEAH.
OF COURSE, THEY HAVEN'T SET UP
THEIR PRODUCTION OFFICES YET.
THE FINANCING IS COMING
FROM SOME AUSTRALIAN
BEER CONGLOMERATE,
SO I'M COVERING
THE HOTEL MYSELF, WHICH IS FINE,
EXCEPT THAT I'M HAVING A SLIGHT
CASH FLOW PROBLEM AT THE MOMENT,
AND THIS MANAGER
IS BEING A TOTAL DICK.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M A HUGE FAN
OF DYNASTY.
I LOVED YOU AS ALEXIS.
THANK YOU.
ACTUALLY,
I WAS BLAIR IN EMPIRE FALLS.
MORON.
MOM...
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK,
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
OH, ALICE,
PLEASE, CAN'T YOU
TALK TO HIM FOR ME?
HE'S EXHAUSTED ME.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
STAY HERE.
I WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
[ DIALS CELL PHONE ]
SO ALL HER CREDIT CARDS
WERE DECLINED?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WE HAVE TO COLLECT.
SHE'S OVER OUR LIMIT.
RIGHT, BUT SHE'LL HAVE IT
IN, LIKE, A DAY OR TWO.
SHE'S HERE TO BE
IN A GERARD LICHTMAN FILM. SO...
REALLY?
YEAH.
I LOVED BLAUNACHT.
IT SHOULD'VE WON THE OSCAR
FOR BEST FOREIGN FILM.
RIGHT, AND YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES THEY START PAYROLL
AFTER PRODUCTION'S STARTED,
AND I'M SURE YOU GUYS
DEAL WITH CELEBRITIES
ALL THE TIME, SO...
I KNOW, BUT, UH...
SHE'S AT OUR LIMIT.
RIGHT.
OKAY, I MEAN,
I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS.
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
SO WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?
WELL,
I HAVE A PRINTOUT OF THE BILL.
OKAY.
THE TOTAL COMES TO $5,968.42.
I'M SORRY, YOU SAID--
5,968.42.
DOLLARS?
WILL THAT BE CASH
OR CREDIT CARD?
I'M SORRY,
HOW COULD ANYBODY
SPEND $5,000
ON A HOTEL ROOM?
WELL, THE SUITE
IS $950 A NIGHT...
SHE WAS HERE
FOR FIVE DAYS,
THERE WAS ROOM SERVICE,
AND I BELIEVE
SHE MADE A FEW PHONE CALLS.
RIGHT.
OH, MOTHER.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
I'M GOOD FOR THE MONEY.
I'M NOT SOME SORT
OF CON ARTIST.
AS SOON AS THIS JOB
COMES THROUGH,
JUST SEND ME THE BILL.
YOU COULD ALWAYS
HOCK THOSE PANTS.
AREN'T THEY GREAT?
ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?
[ SPORTS SHOW
PLAYING ON TELEVISION ]
SO, UH...
NICK IS IN TOWN, HUH?
MM-HMM.
HMM.
IT'S THE MLA
CONVENTION.
I TOLD HIM THAT WE
WERE GETTING MARRIED,
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT HE SAID?
"CONGRATULATIONS."
REALLY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NICK BARASHKOV
IS, LIKE, THIS
PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE
WHO MILKS HIS MINOR
LITERARY STATURE
BY FUCKING THESE
IMPRESSIONABLE
YOUNG UNDERGRADS.
OKAY?
YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME
SOME MORE CREDIT.
PLEASE?
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YOU KNOW THE MEN'S
SLALOM'S ON.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
ALL NIGHT FOR THIS.
OH, I'M SORRY.
OH.
YEAH, OKAY.
COME ON.
[ GASPING AND MOANING ]
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M RIGHT...
I'M RIGHT HERE.
YOU LOOKED
LIKE YOU WERE SOMEPLACE ELSE.
NO, NO.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
REALLY?
YEAH. COME HERE.
IT'S OKAY.
I AM FUCKING DYING OUT THERE.
THESE PHILISTINES
ARE JUST BREAKING MY...
NO. TINA...
YOU INVITED SOMEONE TO DINNER?
I'VE HAD THE WORST FUCKING DAY.
THE LAST THING ON EARTH
I WANT TO DO
IS TO HAVE TO MAKE CON...
I LOVE YOU.
I CALLED DR. WILSON,
AND SHE SAID
WE SHOULD COME IN TOMORROW
FOR AN ULTRASOUND,
JUST TO CONFIRM THE RESULTS.
I'M SORRY
I WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
I'M SORRY YOU HAD
SUCH A BAD DAY.
I'M SURE EVERYTHING
IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
SURE IT WILL.
YEAH.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
WE ARE.
OH, I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
I TELL YOU, YOU'RE
GOOD WITH YOUR MAMA,
YOU'RE GOOD ALL OVER.
AI, AI, AI.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST GIVE ME
A TRIPLE SHOT.
YOU GUYS,
MY MOTHER'S LIVING WITH ME
UNTIL HER JOB STARTS,
AND IT'S NOT FUN.
WOW.
WHAT'S WITH MOPEY-PANTS?
WHAT IS IT, DANA?
ARE YOU HAVING EMBARRASSING
MULTIPLE ORGASMS NOW?
NO.
IT'S JUST
LARA HASN'T CALLED ME,
AND IT'S BEEN,
LIKE...
IT'S BEEN 21 HOURS.
WELL, HOW DID YOU LEAVE IT?
I LEFT
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.
FROM YOUR OWN APARTMENT?
I WAS REALLY
EMBARRASSED, ALICE.
JAMES, I REALLY DON'T THINK
THEY'RE GOING TO DO THAT.
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,
AND IF THEY DO,
I'LL JUST MAKE
A BUNCH OF PHONE CALLS
AND GIVE YOU AN AMAZING
RECOMMENDATION, OKAY?
I LIKE YOUR SCARF.
THIS IS FOR
THE BABY.
I MADE IT JUST FOR YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'VE GOT TO GO.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW, OKAY?
I WAS EXCITED, AND...
CONGRATULATIONS.
SERIOUSLY, GUYS,
IT'S SO AMAZING.
CONGRATS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHY IS EVERYBODY
CONGRATULATING
YOU GUYS?
TINA'S HAVING A BABY.
THEY'RE PREGNANT.
OH, MY GOD.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WOW.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW
THESE THINGS?
THAT'S OKAY, DANA.
I WAS SECOND TO LAST.
CHECK IT OUT.
THIS IS WHERE
YOU TAKE THE FLOWER.
COME HERE.
I'M SORRY.
GOD.
SO FUCKING CUTE.
YUCK.
YEAH, WELL, YOU COULD HAVE
WAITED UNTIL SHE LEFT
TO DO THE
PREGNANCY TEST,
OR MAYBE YOU WANT ALICE
TO BE YOUR LAMAZE PARTNER, TOO.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW, REALLY,
I'M SURPRISED
THAT YOU DIDN'T INVITE HER
TO COME WITH US
FOR THE ULTRASOUND.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I KNOW HOW
STRESSED YOU ARE.
I'M TRYING
TO LEAVE YOU ALONE,
BUT SOMETIMES
I NEED SOMEONE
TO SHARE
A MOMENT WITH.
IS THAT REALLY
SO WRONG?
[ SIGHS ]
NO...
IT'S SAD.
ALL RIGHT, LADIES,
LET'S KEEP IT MOVING.
I'M SO SORRY. I HAD TO BEG DURST
TO MAKE UP MY PHYSICS EXAM--
TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, TRISH.
YOU DON'T COME TO PRACTICE
ON TIME,
DON'T BOTHER COMING.
BUT, TIM--
WHAT?
YOU'RE A GROWN-UP, RIGHT?
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
SOME RESPONSIBILITY?
ALL THESE WOMEN
ARE IN THE WATER ALREADY.
GO ON.
TIM, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?
GET HER
IN THE WATER, NOW.
RANDY, SHE'S
FUCKING UP.
WE CAN'T JUST LET HER
SET HER OWN SCHEDULE--
TRISH!
GET BACK HERE!
GO GET HER.
TRISH...
[ CELL PHONE VIBRATES ]
WHAT?
IS THAT WHAT YOU CALLED
TO TELL ME?
I CAN'T HEAR THAT
RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
ARE YOU READY?
YEAH.
BYE.
SO WE'LL JUST APPLY
A LITTLE BIT
OF LUBRICANT HERE...
AND HERE WE GO.
YOU COMFORTABLE?
ALL RIGHT.
SO THERE'S YOUR
LEFT OVARY,
AND THAT LOOKS
LIKE IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN A FOLLICLE,
AND THERE--
YOU SEE THAT
LITTLE HEARTBEAT?
IS THAT OUR BABY?
THAT'S YOUR BABY.
OH, MY GOD.
LEFT ON THIRD.
GERARD IS INSISTING
ON SPENDING THE ENTIRE
AFTERNOON WITH ME.
LAST TIME I SAW HIM,
MY GOD,
WE TALKED
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
FILMS
THAT INSPIRED HIM
AS A CHILD IN BERLIN,
MY DIVORCE...
IT WAS AS IF
WE'D KNOWN EACH OTHER
FOR YEARS.
LEFT! LEFT!
MOM!
I'VE LIVED IN THIS
CITY MY WHOLE LIFE.
I KNOW HOW
TO GET TO PICO.
GOD.
WE WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN LATE
IF YOU HADN'T SPENT 50 MINUTES
IN THE BATHROOM.
DO I LOOK OKAY?
YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU DO.
YOU REALLY DO.
YOU COULD TAKE
A LITTLE MORE TIME
WITH YOUR FACE, YOU KNOW.
YOU MIGHT HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND BY NOW.
[ HONKS ]
FUCKING FUCKER!
ASSHOLE!
GOD!
JESUS!
KNOCK 'EM DEAD, MOM.
DON'T WORRY SO MUCH.
YOU'RE GETTING
THIS BIG WRINKLE.
YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK
LIKE ERNEST BORGNINE.
[ TAPE REWINDING ]
[ BLOODCURDLING SCREAMS ]
[ VARIOUS VOICEOVERS
AND SOUND EFFECTS ]
SIGN IN AT
THE FRONT DESK.
THEY'LL GIVE YOU SIDES.
WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S AN OPEN CALL
FOR THE PART
OF MRS. SIMONS,
ALIEN ONE, TWO,
AND THREE,
AND TED'S GRANDMOTHER.
CURSE OF THE
ROMALIANS,
RETURN TO GONDOR,
PART TWO?
IS THIS
A LICHTMAN FILM?
GERARD LICHTMAN,
THE GERMAN DIRECTOR?
THE DIRECTOR
IS MATT FREED.
HE'S 22, AND HE'S
FROM PASADENA.
PLUS, HE'S
A TOTAL ASSHOLE.
EXCUSE ME.
[ INDISTINCT CHATTER ]
HEY, MAN.
CAN I TALK TO YOU
A SECOND?
ABOUT WHAT? TRISH?
YEAH, WELL, LOOK,
TRISH NEEDS
SUPPORT RIGHT NOW.
SHE DOESN'T NEED
TO BE CHEWED OUT
IN FRONT
OF THE WHOLE TEAM.
YEAH?
WELL, I DON'T EITHER.
I'M JUST TRYING
TO DO MY JOB.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LOOK, MAN, I'M SORRY
IF I WAS HARSH
OUT THERE,
BUT THIS
IS THE REALITY
OF OUR SITUATION.
WITHOUT TRISH PEVERELL,
WE SHOULDN'T BOTHER
SHOWING UP NEXT WEEK...
REALLY?
AND ON THAT NOTE,
I GOT AHOLD
OF THE PHYSICS MIDTERM
SHE'S GOING TO TAKE ON MONDAY.
THERE IS NO WAY I'M JUST TURNING
THAT TEST OVER TO TRISH.
WOULD YOU RELAX?
NO ONE IS TALKING
ABOUT CHEATING.
I'M TALKING
ABOUT GIVING YOU THE TEST
SO THAT YOU KNOW
HOW TO TUTOR HER.
YOU KNOW,
WHAT DIRECTION TO LEAD HER IN,
THAT'S ALL.
COME ON.
YOU ARE A TENSE MAN RIGHT NOW,
YOU KNOW THAT?
LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE
GO GET A COUPLE OF BEERS,
CHILL OUT A BIT?
IT'S ON ME.
I CAN'T.
WHAT, YOU AND JENNY
GOT PLANS?
NO, JENNY'S GOING
OUT TO DINNER
WITH ONE OF HER
OLD PROFESSORS.
AH. OH.
WAIT.
NOT THE BLOW JOB ONE?
THE ONE SHE WROTE
THAT STORY ABOUT?
OH, HELL, NO.
YOU'RE LETTING
YOUR FIANCEE
GO OUT WITH A DUDE
WHOSE DICK'S
BEEN IN HER MOUTH?
DON'T FUCKING
SAY THAT.
I DON'T OWN HER,
ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S HER OWN WOMAN.
NO, SHE'S NOT.
NOT SINCE SHE PUT
THAT RING ON HER FINGER
AND SAID YES.
MAN, YOU HAVE GOT
TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.
NO.
THAT WHOLE CAVEMAN THING,
IT'S NOT MY STYLE.
THIS AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH CAVEMAN, ALL RIGHT?
THIS IS ABOUT TRUST,
PURE AND SIMPLE.
YOU DON'T TRUST HER,
YOU DON'T MARRY HER.
I'M SORRY TO SOUND
SO HARSH, MAN,
BUT THOSE ARE THE RULES
OF THE GAME.
I TRUST HER, OKAY?
YEAH.
TALK TO YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT?
HAVE A SEAT.
I'LL FOREGO THE BLINDFOLD.
MS. PORTER, AS I'M SURE
YOU'RE AWARE,
THE POSITION
OF DIRECTOR
OF THIS MUSEUM
INVOLVES MORE THAN MERELY
PULLING COLLECTIONS OUT OF HATS.
IT INVOLVES IMAGE.
IT INVOLVES
RELATIONSHIPS.
OKAY, YOU HAVE
TO TELL ME
WHAT YOU THOUGHT
OF MY STORY.
I'M SO FLATTERED
THAT YOU VALUE MY OPINION.
NICHOLAS, OF COURSE
I VALUE YOUR OPINION.
YOU'RE THE MOST...
BRILLIANT,
WONDERFULLY SMART EDITOR
THAT I'VE EVER HAD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE TIE?
I THINK IT'S FUCKING SLEAZY.
EXCELLENT.
WELL, YOUR STORY...
YES.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW...
I DO.
I THOUGHT WAS UTTER BULLSHIT
FROM BEGINNING TO END.
I MEAN,
BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN.
YOU ALWAYS WRITE EXQUISITELY,
BUT...
"SWANS"?
THEY MATE FOR LIFE.
SURE,
AND THEY HAVE BRAINS
THE SIZE OF PING-PONG BALLS.
I MEAN,
WHERE'S YOUR EDGE, JENNIFER?
WHERE'S YOUR
NIHILISTIC PASSION?
WHERE'S THE GIRL
THAT MASTURBATED IN CHURCH?
SHH.
I MEAN,
"AND HE WOULD HAVE DIED
FOR HER,
AND SHE WOULD HAVE DIED
FOR HIM," WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?
IT'S ABOUT FUCKING COMMITMENT,
YOU KNOW?
REALLY?
YES.
BECAUSE IT READS
LIKE SPACKLE.
NOW, I KNOW
YOU'RE MARRYING THE COACH,
BUT IF THIS IS MEANT
AS A WEDDING PRESENT,
THEN KEEP IT
BETWEEN YOU AND HIM,
BECAUSE YOU ARE
MORE COMPLEX THAN THIS.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
JUST THEN?
WHERE DID YOU GO?
NOWHERE.
YOU'RE OBFUSCATING.
NOTHING.
LISTEN, JENNIFER.
COMMITMENT IS DREARY.
IT'S NOT YOUR THING.
YOU HAVE TO DIG DEEPER.
TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING.
I'VE BEEN DOING
THESE REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS.
WHERE THE HELL
IS THE DIRECTOR'S
OFFICE?
THIS PLACE
IS LIKE A GODDAMN LABYRINTH.
ANY MOMENT, I EXPECT
TO RUN INTO THE MINOTAUR.
HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, WELL, YOU CERTAINLY LOOK
LIKE A VERY CAPABLE YOUNG MAN,
WHICH IS FORTUNATE,
SINCE I'M RATHER AT YOUR MERCY.
I NEED TO FIND BETTE PORTER
OR XANDRA ROSENMAN.
THEY'RE BOTH
IN A MEETING.
IN THERE? OH, GOOD.
TAKE THEM FOR A MOMENT,
WOULD YOU, PLEASE?
GET THEM SOME WATER.
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
THAT'S A BOARD OF DIRECTORS
MEETING, MA'AM.
GET YOUR HAND OFF ME
IF YOU WANT TO GO ON
LIVING AND BREATHING.
PEGGY PEABODY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
PEGGY?
XANDRA, I GOT YOUR CALL.
WHAT IS THIS
ABOUT FRANKLIN
FIRING BETTE PORTER?
LET ME JUST SAY,
FRANKLIN,
AND ANYONE ELSE
WHO MAY BE INVOLVED
IN THIS LITTLE CABAL,
IF YOU FIRE
BETTE PORTER,
I'LL HAVE TO RECONSIDER
LENDING MY COLLECTION
TO THE C.A.C.
MS. PORTER
IS FAR AND AWAY
THE MOST
QUALIFIED PERSON
IN LOS ANGELES
TO PRESIDE OVER AN EXHIBIT
LIKE PROVOCATIONS.
I THOUGHT PROVOCATIONS
WAS GOING TO MOCA.
WELL, IT'S NOT, FRANKLIN.
IT'S GOING TO YOUR
UP-AND-COMING LITTLE MUSEUM,
BUT ONLY
ON ONE CONDITION.
MS. PORTER,
I'LL NEED
A GUARANTEE FROM YOU
THAT YOU WILL
REMAIN WITH THE C.A.C.,
AT LEAST UNTIL PROVOCATIONS
MOVES ON TO THE WALKER
IN THE SUMMER.
WELL, I'M NOT IN A POSITION TO--
MS. PORTER
HAS SIX MONTHS
REMAINING
ON HER CONTRACT,
PEGGY,
AND WE HAVE EVERY INTENTION
OF HONORING IT,
DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
ABOUT HER BEING FIRED.
WELL, LET'S JUST
FORGET ABOUT THAT, THEN.
DO YOU HAVE
AN OPTION
IN THE CONTRACT?
OF COURSE WE DO.
18 MONTHS, I BELIEVE.
I SUGGEST
YOU EXERCISE IT HERE AND NOW.
BY THE TIME PROVOCATIONS
DEBUTS AT THE C.A.C.,
MS. PORTER WILL ALREADY
HAVE BEEN WOOED
BY EVERY MUSEUM
IN THE COUNTRY.
WOW.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
YOU'VE FALLEN IN LOVE
WITH A WOMAN?
NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S LOVE.
IT MIGHT BE
SORT OF LIKE THIS...
YOU KNOW, FANTASTIC
SORT OF, LIKE,
DEMON POSSESSION
SORT OF THING.
OH, STOP IT.
DON'T LOOK SO SHOCKED.
I'M NOT SHOCKED.
I'M SURPRISED. I'M EXCITED.
IT'S EXOTIC AND--
OH, SHUT UP, YOU PERVERT.
DEMON POSSESSION.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S...
THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE
TO TAKE AND RUN WITH.
WHEN YOU WRITE ABOUT...
WHAT'S HER NAME?
MARINA.
WHEN YOU WRITE
ABOUT MARINA,
YOU MUST DIG,
YOU MUST DELVE,
YOU MUST OPEN UP
AND EVISCERATE EVERYTHING.
YOU DO YOUR BEST WORK
WHEN YOU LAY BARE
YOUR REMARKABLE
EMOTIONS.
[ KNOCKING ]
COACH.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
I'M LOOKING FOR JENNY.
AND I JUST BET YOU'RE GOING
TO TELL ME SHE'S NOT HERE.
SHE'S NOT HERE.
WE HAD DINNER
DOWNSTAIRS,
BUT SHE LEFT
15 MINUTES AGO.
COME IN AND HAVE A LOOK.
I'LL GET YOU A DRINK.
ABSOLUTELY.
BONJOUR.
DO YOU HAVE
A MINUTE FOR ME?
BUT OF COURSE.
TRES BIEN.
YOU SEE THESE TWO GIRLS
OVER THERE?
GIVE THEM THIS,
AND TELL THEM
DE LA PART DE MARINA.
WELL, LOOK AT
YOUR BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
LET'S CUT
THE BULLSHIT, NICK.
LOOK...
JENNY AND I HAVE
A PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP,
BUT, UH...
CURRENTLY,
IT'S PURELY INTELLECTUAL.
OKAY?
AND, COACH...
CONGRATULATIONS.
UH-OH.
HEY.
UH...
OH.
UM...
THERE'S NO TIME
FOR PLEASANTRIES,
'CAUSE TIM IS OUTSIDE
BY THE BAR, SO...
OH, FUCK.
NO, IT'S CROWDED, AND HE'LL
NEVER SEE YOU. COME ON.
I'LL COVER YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY.
♪ OH, OH ♪
AAH!
CONGRATULATIONS!
BABY GIRL!
THANK YOU.
SO WHO ALL'S HERE?
OH,
THE USUAL SUSPECTS.
YEAH?
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
HEY, UM,
WHAT DID DAVID HAVE TO SAY?
OH, NOTHING.
NOTHING MUCH.
KIT...
OH...
IT'S JUST FORMS
FOR A MEDICAL HISTORY.
YEAH, BUT HE WROTE
SOMETHING ON IT.
♪ OH, OH ♪
HE WROTE YOU A LETTER
ON A POST-IT?
YEAH.
♪ OH, OH ♪
"DEAR KIT, I HOPE YOU ARE WELL.
"I NEED SOME
FAMILY MEDICAL HISTORY
"FOR MY APPLICATION
TO A RESIDENCY PROGRAM.
"I'VE ENCLOSED A SELF-ADDRESSED
STAMPED ENVELOPE
"FOR YOU TO SEND THE FORMS.
"GRANDFATHER TELLS ME
THAT YOU ARE
"IN A 12-STEP
PROGRAM,
"AND I WANT
TO OFFER YOU MY SUPPORT
"IN THAT ENDEAVOR.
"I WISH YOU SUCCESS
"WITH THE POSITIVE CHANGES
YOU ARE MAKING IN YOUR LIFE.
YOUR SON, DAVID WATERS."
I'M SORRY.
HEY. YOU KNOW, I...
I WASN'T AROUND TO TEACH HIM
HOW TO WRITE A LETTER.
♪ BUT GRATITUDE
IS MORE LIKELY TO ATTRACT ♪
YOU'RE HERE!
HEY.
COME ON.
I'M OKAY. GO ON.
GO ON OUT THERE.
I'LL BE OUT THERE
IN A MINUTE.
♪ OH, OH ♪
BRAVA!
THE CONQUERING HEROINE!
THANK YOU.
CHEERS, BABY.
IT'S JUST ONE SIP.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
FOR US.
..."I'M ABRAXAS,
THE DEMON OF LIES AND DECEIT."
"SO...
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT LIES, MY DEAR?"
"I'M NOT A LIAR."
I TRY AGAIN TO GET UP.
THIS TIME I'M FLAYED,
SPLAYED.
I FEEL MYSELF SCREAMING.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT LIES.
THERE ARE WHITE LIES
AND BLACK LIES
AND MANY SHADES OF GREY LIES.
SOME LIES
ARE JUSTIFIED--
LIES TOLD OUT OF KINDNESS.
LIES THAT PRESERVE DIGNITY.
I HAVEN'T HAD
A SINGLE BIT OF WORK DONE.
HOW OLD DO YOU
THINK I AM?
LIES THAT SPARE PAIN.
35?
MAYBE 40?
EVERYBODY'S A LIAR, DEAR.
LOOK AT THAT ONE.
SHE'S ABOUT TO TELL HER LOVER
SOMETHING
PATENTLY UNTRUE.
I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW
THAT WHATEVER HAD
HAPPENED TONIGHT
IN THAT BOARD MEETING,
WE WOULD HAVE
BEEN FINE.
LOOK AT THEIR
GESTURES.
SEE HOW THEY TOUCH EACH OTHER
TOO INTIMATELY?
HOW THEY AVERT THEIR EYES
AND COVER THEIR MOUTHS?
THEY LICK THEIR TEETH
AND HOLD THEIR CHINS.
THEY EMBELLISH THEIR STORIES
WITH FAR TOO MUCH DETAIL.
ANYWAY, I WAS SHOOTING THIS FILM
WITH TRUFFAUT AND ANOUK AIMEE,
AND I HAD THIS BIG SCENE
WITH HER LOVER IN THE FILM,
AND, OF COURSE,
THAT DAY
ANOUK SHOWS UP
ON THE SET,
BUT I DON'T CARE,
BECAUSE I KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO WITH THE SCENE,
AND AT THE END
OF THE SCENE,
I HAVE MY BIG CLOSE-UP,
AND OF COURSE,
EVERYTHING HAPPENS.
MY GOD,
THE EMOTION COMES UP,
I CHASE IT AWAY,
I BRING IT BACK,
IT'S RICH, IT'S FULL,
IT'S SUBTLE,
AND AT THE END
OF THE TAKE,
TRUFFAUT TURNS
TO ANOUK AND SAYS,
"ZAT IS THE WAY
YOU SHOULD ACT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
YOU'RE WORKING.
YEAH.
NICK WAS SUCH A POMPOUS ASS.
HE RIPPED ME TO SHREDS.
I DON'T LIKE
THE SOUND OF THAT.
NO, IT'S GOOD.
IT'S GOOD.
I FEEL LIKE
I'M ONTO SOMETHING.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL, UH...
LEAVE YOU TO IT.
TIM...
CAN YOU STAY HERE WITH ME?
[ SOFT ROCK MUSIC ]
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ YOU DIDN'T SEE ME WATCHING ♪
♪ DIDN'T EVEN GLANCE ♪
♪ AT THE ALIGNMENT
OF THE PLANETS ♪
♪ OR RANDOM CIRCUMSTANCE ♪
♪ I KNOW WHO YOU ARE ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL NEVER
KNOW ME ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER LET YOU
DISCOVER ♪
♪ MY SECRET ♪
♪ MY SECRET IDENTITY ♪
♪ MY SECRET ♪
♪ MY SECRET IDENTITY ♪