THEY'RE RANDOM ACTS
OF SEX, OKAY?
THEY'RE ENCOUNTERS,
ROMANCES,
ONE-NIGHT STANDS,
20-YEAR MARRIAGES...
ANYTIME YOU GET A GROUP
OF GAY GIRLS TOGETHER,
YOU ARE GUARANTEED SOMEONE'S
SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHO HAS SLEPT
WITH SOMEONE ELSE
WHO'S SLEPT WITH
SOMEONE ELSE IN THAT ROOM.
NAME ANY LESBIAN
YOU KNOW.
I CAN LINK HER TO ME
IN SIX MOVES.
CHRISTINE LEE.
EASY.
ALL RIGHT,
LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS.
OKAY, SHE WAS WITH
GRACE PARTRIDGE
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
GRACE HAD A ONE-NIGHT THING
WITH ANYA,
THEN ANYA DATED DENISE,
WHO LIVED
WITH KATHERINE CLAYMORE,
WHO WAS MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND
OUT OF COLLEGE.
IT'S AMAZING,
RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, MARC, IT'S
NOT JUST ABOUT LESBIANS.
I COULD PUT YOU ON THIS THING
AND PROBABLY, LIKE,
SIX CONNECTIONS, EASY.
I MEAN, ONE, IF YOU
SLEPT WITH ANYA...
SO?
SO THE POINT IS
WE'RE ALL CONNECTED, SEE?
THROUGH LOVE,
THROUGH LONELINESS,
THROUGH ONE TINY,
LAMENTABLE LAPSE
IN JUDGMENT.
ALL OF US, IN OUR ISOLATION,
WE REACH OUT FROM THE DARKNESS,
FROM THE ALIENATION
OF MODERN LIFE,
TO FORM THESE
CONNECTIONS.
I THINK IT'S A REALLY
PROFOUND STATEMENT
ABOUT THE NATURE
OF HUMAN EXISTENCE.
ALL RIGHT, I COULD JUST DO
A PIECE ON VAGINAL REJUVENATION.
NOW, THAT, I LIKE.
LET'S DO IT.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
GUESS WHAT.
I'M ALL NICE
AND CLEAN,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME
SWEATY AND STINKY?
NOT NOW, BUT
LATER FOR SURE,
WHEN WE DO
AN INSEMINATION.
YOU AND ME, TONIGHT,
HERE AT HOME,
SEXY AND IN LOVE,
WITH NO DOCTORS,
NO FLUORESCENT LIGHTS,
NO PAPER GOWNS.
DO YOU WANT TO?
YEAH, I WANT TO,
BUT LAST TIME I CHECKED,
YOU REALLY NEEDED SPERM
TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE.
I'M GOING TO
THE CRYOBANK
THIS AFTERNOON.
FOR MARCUS'S SPERM?
YES.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
THERE'S NO REASON ON EARTH
THAT I WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE
A BABY WITH YOU
USING A DONOR
WHO'S BLACK.
I...I THINK...
I THINK
I WAS REALLY SCARED--
DON'T THINK,
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE
TO MAKE A BABY WITH YOU...
TONIGHT...
IN OUR HOME...
IN OUR BED.
JUST YOU AND ME.
TIM, CAN I
TALK TO YOU?
RIGHT NOW, BABE?
I'VE REALLY
GOT TO GET GOING.
THE GIRLS ARE ALREADY
IN THE WATER.
GOD, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN TRISH YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS ON FIRE,
AND MARY...
IF I COULD JUST KEEP THEM
RIGHT IN THAT ZONE,
WE'RE ABSOLUTELY GOING
TO REAM SC ON SATURDAY.
GO, TEAM.
YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
HOLD ON, HOLD ON!
WHEN AM I GOING
TO SEE YOU AGAIN?
UM, I'LL BE AT MILK
ON THURSDAY.
OKAY, I'LL
SEE YOU THERE.
GO LIKE THAT.
YOU JUST HAD
SOMETHING...
YEAH, THANKS.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY. BYE.
BYE, BABY.
[ DIALS CELL PHONE ]
HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
YEAH, LET'S GET TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT...
SEE YOU SOON.
YEAH, GOOD.
HIGHER, HIGHER,
HIGHER, HIGHER.
NO, I'M TALKING
TO DANA.
OKAY, HOW MUCH
TIME TO I HAVE?
OKAY, WELL, THEN I GUESS
IT'S GONNA BE, LIKE, 10 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT?
I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
OKAY, BYE.
HOW ABOUT WE
TAKE A BREAK?
YOU GET A LIGHT SNACK,
AND WHEN YOU COME BACK,
WE CAN WORK ON THAT
SLICE OF YOURS,
ALL RIGHT?
OKAY. WHAT, LIKE,
45 MINUTES? WHAT?
45 MINUTES,
GREAT. OKAY?
45 MINUTES. YEAH.
GOOD.
OKAY.
REVIVA.
WHO IS IT?
UH, YEAH, ALICE PETERS.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
FOR WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I NEED TO GET
MY VAGINA REJUVENATED.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY SO?
[ DOOR BUZZES ]
UM, HI. UH, ALICE PETERS.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT--
ALICE?
GABBY--
DON'T DO IT, ALICE.
I MEAN, THE RECOVERY'S
SUPPOSED TO BE HELL.
CAN YOU TELL THE DOCTOR
I'M HERE?
ALICE...
WHAT?
I-I BEHAVED BADLY,
AND I'M SORRY.
I-I-I WAS AN ASSHOLE.
I KNOW THAT.
AND I FREAKED OUT.
IT WAS REALLY
INTENSE,
AND...I WASN'T
READY FOR IT,
BUT I STILL HAVE FEELINGS
FOR YOU.
I MEAN, I THINK
ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
LOOK, I AM NOT DOING THIS
AGAIN, GABBY.
PLEASE. LET ME TRY AGAIN.
I MEAN, CAN'T WE JUST...
HAVE LUNCH?
NO.
JUST--
I MEAN, I DON'T--
OKAY...JUST LUNCH.
I'LL PROVE TO YOU
HOW MUCH I'VE CHANGED.
SAY YES, ALICE...
JUST SAY YES.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO. REVIVA.
LET ME CHECK
THE BOOKS.
UM, OKAY, WHAT ABOUT
TUESDAY THE 23rd
AROUND 3:00? 3:00?
HE'S GOT
A WHOLE HOUR THERE.
OH. OKAY.
UM, I'M AFRAID
THEY'RE NOT UNTIL
TWO WEEKS LATER, ACTUALLY,
ON THE THURSDAY
AT 10:00 A.M.
WOULD THAT BE GOOD
FOR YOU?
GREAT, GREAT.
I'LL PUT YOU IN.
I DIDN'T ORDER THAT.
I KNOW.
THEY'RE FROM HER...
LARA PERKINS, OUR SOUS-CHEF.
SOUP CHEF?
YEAH. RIGHT.
HI, JENNY.
IT'S MARINA.
I WAS THINKING
ABOUT YOU.
[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]
IT WASHED UP ON THE BEACH
IN SANTA MONICA--
A SWOLLEN, TANGLED MASS
IN SEAWEED.
A JOGGER STEPPED, HOVERED,
POKED AT IT WITH HER TOE.
SARAH SHUSTER'S BODY
FLOPPED BACK,
HER STILL-LIMPID EYES
STARING UP AT THE SKY...
[ ETHEREAL VOCALIZATION ]
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ MY GUARDIAN ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
YOU ARE SO OVER AND A DAY...
BUSTED, BITCH!
LACEY, STOP.
YOU CAN JUST KISS
YOUR LITTLE 4-Fs GOOD-BYE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THE 4-Fs!
SHE FINDS THEM, FEELS THEM,
FUCKS THEM, AND FORGETS THEM,
BUT I'M GOING TO TELL
THE WHOLE WORLD
WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY?
YOU ARE SO FUCKED
FOR KICKING ME OUT!
CALM DOWN.
FIGURE IT OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
AND KEEP IT AWAY FROM MY
FRIENDS AND MY BUSINESS.
YOU'LL SEE,
SHANE!
[ SPEAKS ITALIAN ]
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S UP
WITH JENNY AND MARINA?
NOTHING, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH JENNY AND MARINA?
LOOK, GUYS, IT'S
NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
LET IT GO.
I THOUGHT JENNY WAS STRAIGHT.
DANA, MOST GIRLS ARE STRAIGHT...
UNTIL THEY'RE NOT,
AND THEN SOMETIMES THEY'RE GAY
TILL THEY'RE NOT.
TRUE, BUT THEN
THERE ARE ALSO THE ONES
THAT NEVER LOOK BACK.
RIGHT? AND YOU CAN SPOT THEM
COMING A MILE AWAY.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
YOU READ THE SIGNALS.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
DANA, IT'S NOT
A PROBLEM, ALL RIGHT?
NO, SEXUALITY IS FLUID.
WHETHER YOU'RE GAY,
OR YOU'RE STRAIGHT,
OR YOU'RE BISEXUAL,
YOU JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.
NO. NO, NO,
THAT IS MY PROBLEM, OKAY?
I CAN'T FEEL THE FLOW.
THAT THING...
WHATEVER IT IS,
I DON'T GOT IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE GAYDAR.
NO.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
NO, EVERYONE'S GOT IT.
NO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO TUNE IN.
YES.
I'M GOING TO PROVE IT.
SEE THAT GIRL
WHO JUST CAME IN?
OKAY.
WHAT IS SHE?
A CUSTOMER?
I DON'T KNOW.
DANA, LOOK AT HER FINGERNAILS.
ARE THEY LONG OR SHORT?
ARE THEY POLISHED
OR NATURAL?
THEY'RE LONG
AND POLISHED.
SO SHE'S...
LEANING TO STRAIGHT,
BUT YOU NEED MORE INFO.
LOOK AT THE SHOES.
HIGH-HEELED
SANDALS.
WITH TAPERED JEANS.
WOULD YOU WEAR HIGH-HEELED
SANDALS WITH TAPERED JEANS?
YES?
NO.
OH, GOD...
LOOK, I'VE ONLY EVER
SEEN HER IN HER CHEF'S UNIFORM.
DANA, I DOUBT
THAT WOMAN'S A CHEF.
NO, SHE'S GOT
A THING FOR A CHEF.
I DO.
DANA, I'M IMPRESSED.
YOU'RE INTO SOMEONE,
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE DOWN.
SHE'S DOWN?
WHETHER SHE PLAYS
FOR OUR TEAM, THE GAY TEAM.
WHAT, DON'T THE BISEXUALS
HAVE THEIR OWN TEAM?
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GOING TO HELP YOU,
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE
EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
DO YOU KNOW THE NAME
OF THIS GIRL, FIRST AND LAST?
YES, I DO.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW THE CHART?
YEAH.
OKAY, I PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
YOU WHAT?
ALL RIGHT, DON'T FREAK.
IT'S REALLY COOL.
THIS THING IS GROWING.
PEOPLE ARE ADDING NAMES,
AND IT'S, LIKE,
GROWING EXPONENTIALLY.
THAT'S GREAT, ALICE.
I LOVE THE SOUND OF THAT ONE.
THE COLD, CLAMMY WIND BLEW.
SARAH'S COFFIN WAS LOWERED
INTO THE READY, DAMP EARTH...
[ ETHEREAL VOCALIZATION ]
[ ♪♪ ]
I WAS THINKING
ABOUT YOU.
[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS ]
HI, JENNY. IT'S MARINA.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
END OF FINAL MESSAGE.
PRESS ERASE AGAIN
TO ERASE ALL MESSAGES.
NO MESSAGES.
TO US.
TO OUR FUTURE.
TO MARCUS ALLENWOOD'S
UNBELIEVABLY HIGH SPERM COUNT.
IT'S FASCINATING.
IT'S VERY CLEAR PINK.
YOU KNOW, SEAN'S WAS
KIND OF GREENISH.
AND MORE VISCOUS.
[ GROANING ]
NO. DON'T BE GROSSED OUT.
WE HAVE TO HONOR IT.
WE HONOR YOU.
WE HONOR YOU...
ALL 75 MILLION OF YOU.
OKAY...
DO WE HAVE
EVERYTHING WE NEED?
LET'S SEE...
OKAY.
♪ OH, MY DARLING ♪
SYRINGE, DIAPHRAGM...
MAGICAL JUICE.
MAGIC JUICE.
♪ ARE WE ABLE TO FLY? ♪
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ OH, MY DARLING ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY
TO JUMP IN? ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
♪ OH, MY DARLING ♪
♪ ARE YOU ABLE TO SWIM? ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
LET'S DO IT.
YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
♪ IN MY DREAMS ♪
♪ WE'RE SAILING OFF
A CLIFF ♪
[ ♪♪ ]
LOOK AT THAT.
I'M THE CENTER
OF THE UNIVERSE.
YOU'RE A MAJOR HUB.
I MEAN, THERE'S ONLY
ONE OTHER GIRL.
MARY O'REILLY DATED
THIS LESBIAN PORN STAR--
SHE HAS A CRAZIER MATRIX
THAN YOU.
OH, THERE'S A...
THERE'S A DOTTED LINE.
THERE'S A DOTTED LINE
BETWEEN YOU AND GABBY DEVEAUX.
NO, NO, NO, THERE ISN'T.
I RAN INTO HER
THE OTHER DAY, OKAY?
I WAS DOING RESEARCH
ON MY VAGINAL REJUVENATION
STORY.
SHE WAS
THE REVIVA RECEPTIONIST,
AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS THERE
FOR THE SURGERY,
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"BUT, ALICE,
YOUR PUSSY'S TIGHT," YOU KNOW?
LIKE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
IT WAS FUNNY.
SHE LOOKED GOOD.
IT WAS FUNNY.
DIDN'T SHE TREAT YOU
LIKE SHIT, AL?
WORSE THAN THAT.
AL, I SWEAR
I WILL KILL YOU
IF YOU GET BACK
TOGETHER WITH HER.
OKAY!
SHANE, I'M NOT GONNA GET
BACK TOGETHER WITH HER, OKAY?
IT'S NOT GOING
TO HAPPEN, ALL RIGHT?
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE NAME
OF YOUR LITTLE COOK?
UH, LARA PERKINS.
L-A-R-A PERKINS.
SHE'S, UH,
SHE'S THE SOUP CHEF.
A SOUS-CHEF?
LIKE, AN ASSISTANT CHEF?
OH, YEAH.
SOUS-CHEF.
YEAH, YEAH, NO, THAT'S TOTALLY
WHAT SHE IS, YEAH.
SOUS-CHEF.
OKAY, I MIGHT AS WELL
START WITH SHANE.
WHY MUST YOU
DO THAT?
CHANCES ARE,
IF SHE'S INTO GIRLS, YOU KNOW?
LOOK, DANE,
IT TOTALLY WOULDN'T
HAVE MEANT ANYTHING.
OOH, THAT'S
COMFORTING. THANKS.
SHE'S NOT ON IT.
WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?
I DID A WHOLE SEARCH.
WELL, IT MEANS
SHE DIDN'T SLEEP WITH SHANE,
WHICH IS GOOD, BUT SHE
DIDN'T SLEEP WITH ANYONE.
HOW LONG DO I HAVE
TO STAY THIS WAY?
DO YOU WANT TO TRY PUTTING
THE DIAPHRAGM IN AGAIN?
OOH, GOD,
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WE'VE REALLY GOT TO TELL SONIA
TO CLEAN UNDER THERE.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
DID WE FORGET
SOMETHING?
NO...
HI. WERE YOU
SLEEPING?
NOT EXACTLY.
OKAY, WE TRIED TO CALL,
BUT NO ONE ANSWERED.
SO THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION
WAS JUST TO COME OVER?
NO, IT'S
AN EMERGENCY.
YOU KNOW, IT STARTED
AS A GAYDAR THING.
SHANE AND I ARE TOTALLY CAPABLE
OF HANDLING THAT,
BUT THIS ONE HAS MAJOR
RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
YEAH, I THINK
AT THIS POINT,
SHE NEEDS EXPERT ADVICE.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED,
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY, DANA.
WE WERE FINISHED.
OH, MY GOD.
WHERE IS SHE?
OH, HEY.
HEY...
WHAT IS THIS?
MARCUS ALLENWOOD.
OH, GOD.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THAT IS DISGUSTING.
OH, MY GOD,
GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PREGNANT
THROUGH YOUR SWEATER.
THANKS. I KNOW.
I GOT IT. I'LL GET IT.
WAIT.
SO WE COULD BE HERE
AT THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION.
YOU COULD. YES.
WELL, THEN I'M REALLY SORRY.
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO LEAVE?
THAT WOULD BE TOO LATE.
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST
TELL US ABOUT THE EMERGENCY?
THE EMERGENCY IS...
MISS DANA IS HOT
FOR THIS LITTLE NUGGET
AT HER COUNTRY CLUB.
LARA PERKINS.
LOOKED HER UP ON THE CHART,
NOT ON IT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF SHE'S--
IF SHE'S GAY?
HAVE YOU LOOKED
AT HER FINGERNAILS?
NOT GOING TO WORK.
SHE'S A CHEF.
WHAT KIND OF DRESSER IS SHE?
WELL, SHE WEARS THIS CUTE
LITTLE WHITE UNIFORM.
SOMETIMES SHE WEARS
A STRIPEY APRON.
BUT WHAT ABOUT...
PERSONAL INTERACTION?
I MEAN, IS SHE FLIRTATIOUS?
DOES SHE MAKE A LOT
OF EYE CONTACT?
DOES SHE TOUCH YOUR HAND
WHEN SHE'S TALKING TO YOU?
UM, WELL, I HAVEN'T REALLY
TALKED TO HER UP CLOSE YET.
WHAT, DO YOU GUYS
SHOUT ACROSS THE ROOM?
NO.
LOOK, I JUST
WANT TO KNOW.
I JUST--BEFORE I TALK TO HER
AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF,
I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S--
DANA, DANA, HONEY,
WE CAN'T POSSIBLY MAKE
ANY KIND OF ACCURATE ANALYSIS
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD
A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
I MEAN, WE NEED
SOMETHING TO GO ON.
WELL, SHE
SENDS ME FOOD.
SHE SENDS ME VEGETABLES
ON SKEWERS
WITH, LIKE, THESE PERFECT
LITTLE GRILL MARKS ON THEM.
AND SOMETIMES
SHE SENDS ME
THESE DIPPING SAUCES
WITH, LIKE, NO FAT
OR ANYTHING ELSE
HEAVY IN THEM
NOT TO MESS UP
MY TRAINING, YOU KNOW.
THESE SKEWERED
VEGETABLES,
DID SHE COME UP WITH THEM
ALL ON HER OWN,
OR DID YOU ORDER THEM?
NO, SHE JUST SENDS THEM.
BUT SHE HASN'T
SPOKEN TO YOU?
NO.
ASK HER OUT.
NO, NO, NO,
DANA CANNOT DO THAT,
AND IT'S TOTALLY
UNDERSTANDABLE.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE
TO SOMEONE WHO MAYBE
IS JUST BEING NICE TO YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IMPORTANT
PERSON AT THE CLUB.
EXACTLY.
PLEASE, DON'T ENCOURAGE HER.
IT'S OKAY, DANA.
WE ARE GOING TAKE CARE OF THIS.
YOU MEAN...
I MEAN.
WHAT?
WE ARE GOING
TO DEPLOY A MISSION
TO ASCERTAIN THE DISPOSITION
AND INTENT
OF ONE MISS LARA PERKINS.
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC ]
[ ♪♪ ]
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN HERE?
WHAT? THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE
I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE,
BELIEVE ME.
OH, WHERE'S
THE SHORTS?
THE ONES YOU WERE
WEARING YESTERDAY?
THEY'RE IN THE WASH. WHY?
THEY MAKE YOUR ASS
LOOK BETTER.
NOT TO WORRY.
SUBARU IS INTERESTED
IN MORE THAN A GOOD ASS.
SUBARU?
YEAH, CAMPAIGN.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A REP
IN THE STANDS TOMORROW
WATCHING YOU TRAIN.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD!
OH, JESUS.
HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN YOU PUMP UP A LITTLE
BEFORE YOU HIT THE COURT?
YEAH, HA, HA.
I WANT TO SEE VEINS POPPING.
OKAY.
WHO BUSTS HIS
BALLS FOR YOU?
YOU DO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WEAR THE SHORTS.
I'LL WEAR
THE SHORTS.
OH, MY GOD.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
HEY...
YOU OKAY?
UH...I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
THAT WAS MY AGENT.
HE JUST TOLD ME SUBARU
MIGHT WANT TO USE ME
FOR AN AD CAMPAIGN.
SO THEY'RE GOING
TO WATCH ME TRAIN TOMORROW,
WHICH IS SO COOL.
YEAH.
THAT'S SO EXCITING.
YEAH, YEAH, IT IS.
IT IS, KIND OF.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I CAN'T MESS UP, SO...
I'M SURE
YOU WON'T.
UM, YOU CAN TURN AROUND NOW.
MY JACKET'S BACK ON.
MY JOB IS SO MESSY,
I HAVE TO CHANGE, LIKE,
THREE TIMES A DAY.
YEAH?
YOU ALWAYS LOOK NICE
WHEN I SEE YOU.
I MEAN--I MEAN,
YOU NEVER LOOK DIRTY...
WHEN I SEE YOU.
I GOT TO GO.
I-I HAVE TO GO.
LISTEN,
WHY--WHY DON'T YOU
COME BY LATER?
I'LL SEND SOMETHING
DOWN FOR YOU.
OKAY. YEAH.
GREAT.
THANK YOU. BYE.
BYE.
[ SNAPS FINGERS ]
BAG.
BYE.
HEY, AL.
HOW'D IT GO?
[ SIGHS ]
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
MAYBE IT'S FOR THE BEST.
WHAT IS?
WELL, GABBY DEVEAUX
STOOD ALICE UP.
YEAH.
NEVER MIND.
LET'S GO
HELP DANA OUT,
AND THEN WE CAN WORK OUT
YOUR SITUATION.
ALICE, I AM
SO SORRY I'M LATE.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU REALLY ARE.
WORKING ON MY SCREENPLAY,
LOST TRACK OF THE TIME.
YOU'RE A WRITER.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?
YEAH, UM...
MY FRIENDS ARE WAITING,
I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
DO YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING
YOUR FRIENDS WANT YOU TO DO?
ALICE...
WE REALLY GOT TO GO.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DO.
COME ON, ALICE,
WE'VE GOT TO GO.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
LET'S DO IT.
OKAY.
[ EXCITING MUSIC ]
[ ♪♪ ]
PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW US.
DANA...
MAY I SIT WITH YOU?
SO WHICH ONE IS SHE?
WOW. VERY NICE, DANA.
NO, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
IT'S THE REDHEAD.
CUTE REDHEAD.
[ ALICE ]:
KITCHEN SHOES. NEUTRAL.
LOOK AT THE EARRINGS.
HOOPS. HARD TO READ.
OH, QUICK, SHE'S LOOKING.
OH, GOD,
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
ABORT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE BACK.
ALL RIGHT, SO FAR,
IT'S NECK AND NECK.
YEAH, BUT SHE GOT SOME GOOD
LEZZIE POINTS FOR HER WALK
AND THE WAY SHE WIELDS
THAT CHOPPING KNIFE.
BUT SHE'S WAY FEMMY
ON THE COIFFURE TIP.
AND HER REACTION TO THE TWO
OF YOU KISSING WAS SPLIT,
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FREAK OUT,
WHICH IS A GOOD SIGN,
BUT SHE HARDLY PAID
ANY ATTENTION.
YEAH, BUT, YOU GUYS,
SHE'S GOT NINE
IN THE LEZ COLUMN,
AND SHE HAS ONLY SEVEN
IN THE STRAIGHT.
YEAH, BUT THE MARGIN
OF ERROR IS PLUS OR MINUS
FIVE PERCENTAGE POINTS.
YOU KNOW
WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HI.
I'M SORRY?
I WAS JUST WONDERING,
IF YOU HAD THOSE...
THOSE SWEET LITTLE FIGS.
OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I LOVE FIGS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE OUT
OF SEASON RIGHT NOW.
OH, THEY ARE?
WELL, THEN...
I DON'T KNOW, I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU JUST--
IF YOU CAN RECOMMEND
SOMETHING ELSE.
I JUST KIND OF
HAVE THAT...
HAVE THAT CRAVING.
UM, WELL,
SOMETIMES WE HAVE
THESE CHAMPAGNE
TRUFFLES FOR DESSERT,
BUT NOT TODAY.
UM, THAT'S ABOUT ALL
THAT COMES TO MIND.
THAT'S IT?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, DANA.
IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD
FOR MISS LARA PERKINS.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S
A DIFFERENT KIND
OF LESBIAN.
YEAH, THE
STRAIGHT KIND.
THE SHANE TEST
PRETTY MUCH WORKS ON EVERYONE.
YOU DIDN'T GET
ANYTHING FROM HER?
I GOT NOTHING.
AH, HONEY,
THERE ARE A LOT OF
OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.
GAY FISH.
OH, MY GOD.
WHO IS THAT?
OH, SHIT.
LOOK, WILL YOU GET ME
TO YOUR CAR, PLEASE?
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS.
YOU'RE REALLY CUTTING-EDGE NOW.
LESBIAN MOMS,
BIRACIAL CHILD. WOW.
WE'RE NOT PREGNANT
YET, ALICE.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
NO TROUBLE GETTING THAT KID
INTO
THE CENTER FOR EARLY EDUCATION.
IT'S GONNA BE
DIVERSITY POSTER CHILD.
LADIES...
HI.
ISN'T THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR?
DO YOU GUYS THINK HE KNOWS?
KNOWS WHAT?
THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S MAKING
THE TEAM WITH MARINA.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
I ONLY REPEAT WHAT I HEAR.
DID MARINA TELL YOU?
MARINA DIDN'T TELL HER
A THING.
IT'S WHAT MARINA
DIDN'T TELL ME. YOU KNOW?
WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
THAT EVERYONE IS SLEEPING
WITH EVERYONE ELSE?
BECAUSE THEY ARE.
NO, THAT'S JUST
YOUR LITTLE FANTASY.
HERE IS A TRULY
RADICAL IDEA
FOR YOU TO CONTEMPLATE.
MONOGAMY ISN'T JUST
HYPOTHETICAL.
SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO
PRACTICE IT.
OH, RIGHT.
OH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S ON THE HOUSE.
HEY, THANK YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD, AND YOU?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AND JENNY
IN A LONG TIME.
YEAH, I'VE ACTUALLY
BEEN BURIED.
WE HAVE THE BIGGEST COMPETITION
OF THE YEAR IN TWO WEEKS.
SHE'S JUST BEEN WRITING.
SHE HASN'T BEEN IN
AT ALL, HUH?
OH, NOT WHEN I WAS AROUND, NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE HAVING
A DINNER PARTY TONIGHT.
IT'S JUST KIND OF
THROWN TOGETHER, LAST MINUTE.
YOU SHOULD COME.
OH, THAT'S SWEET,
BUT I HAVE SOME THINGS TO DO.
SERIOUSLY,
IT'LL BE FUN.
I MEAN, YOU'RE EVEN GOING TO
KNOW PEOPLE THERE--
BETTE AND TINA,
JENNY WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
8:00 AT OUR HOUSE.
YOU CAN BRING ANYONE YOU WANT.
I SEE WHAT JENNY SEES IN YOU.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
UM, THANKS.
COME.
BYE.
WOW. THREE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
ALL AT ONCE.
PLEASE COME IN.
THANKS.
HI. YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HI.
RANDY JACKSON,
CAROLYN VARAJIAN,
THESE ARE
OUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS.
THIS IS BETTE PORTER,
TINA KENNARD...
HI. NICE
TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO
MEET YOU.
AND THIS IS MARINA...
FERRER.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY
I LET HER INTRODUCE HERSELF.
NOW, I GOT CHILI
IN THE KITCHEN.
JENNY JUST CALLED.
SHE'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,
BUT MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME,
AND I'LL, UH...
OH, I'LL HELP YOU
WITH THESE.
THANK YOU,
VERY MUCH.
SUBARU LOVED YOU.
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU'RE
THEIR GIRL.
YOU'RE THEIR A-NUMBER-ONE
TENNIS-PLAYING BABE.
I GOT IT?
YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
YEAH, DONE DEAL.
GODDAMN LOVED
YOUR FUCKING GUTS.
I GOT IT?
YEAH.
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
YOU!
THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, MY GOSH.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE SWEATING ON ME.
YOU GOT SWEAT
ALL OVER MY SUIT.
[ CAR ALARM BLARING ]
[ KNOCKS ]
JENNY, HEY.
LET ME GRAB THAT FOR YOU.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NICE TO SEE YOU.
HEY.
AWW.
I MISSED YOU.
HI. NICE TO SEE YOU.
HI.
HELLO.
SO I GOT EIGHT
OF THOSE
LITTLE CHOCOLATE
DESSERT THINGS...
VERY EXPENSIVE--
THANK YOU.
SO CHILI'S READY,
YOU'RE NOT.
IF YOU CAN RUN
AND GET CHANGED,
IT WOULD BE GREAT,
OKAY?
UM...
I'LL SEE YOU...
IN A SECOND.
JEN, I JUST RAN INTO HER
AT THE PLANET.
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT SHE WAS GOING
TO BE HERE, OKAY?
IT JUST KIND OF SUCKS.
I HAVE NOTHING
TO WEAR. FUCK!
OKAY, THIS IS FINE.
IT'S FINE.
LOOK, I JUST
DON'T GET--
CAN YOU SHUT THE DOOR, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
I DON'T GET
WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN
BETWEEN YOU TWO?
NO, NOTHING
HAPPENED.
I DON'T LIKE HER, OKAY?
SHE HAS THIS, YOU KNOW,
THIS WAY OF ACTING LIKE...
SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING,
BUT I'M GOING TO GO OUT THERE
AND JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.
JEN, STOP FOR A SECOND.
JEN...STOP.
WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET THIS
RUIN OUR EVENING. OKAY?
WE'RE GOING TO GO
BACK OUT THERE,
WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE A GOOD TIME,
AND WHATEVER COMPETITIVE THING
YOU HAVE GOING WITH MARINA,
JUST TALK TO HER.
YOU KNOW, KISS AND MAKE UP,
OR WHATEVER
YOU WOMEN DO.
WHOO!
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
AND WELCOME REBECCA THATCHER
DOING SIR MIX-A-LOT'S
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS". HEY!
WHY DID WE COME
TO KARAOKE NIGHT?
SHE'S HERE!
FUCKING GABBY DEVEAUX,
AGAIN?
YOU INVITED HER,
DIDN'T YOU, AL?
NO! GOD.
NO, I MEAN, I MIGHT'VE MENTIONED
THAT WE MIGHT BE HERE.
LOOK, SHE HAD A REALLY GOOD
EXCUSE THE OTHER NIGHT.
YEAH, SHE'S
A POOR EXCUSE
FOR A DECENT
HUMAN BEING.
SHE'S REALLY CHANGED, SHANE.
OKAY? YOU KNOW?
SHE'S A LOT BETTER
THAN SHE USED TO BE.
RIGHT.
WHOA. DID YOU SEE HER BOOTS?
HOT, HOT, HOT!
AL, YOU GET WITH HER,
AND I WILL KILL YOU.
SHE'LL STEP ON YOUR DIGNITY
WITH THOSE BOOTS.
TRUST ME.
THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE
A RENAISSANCE PAINTING.
OH...GOSH.
THANK YOU.
EVERYONE, BEFORE WE START,
JENNY AND I HAVE
A LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT
WE'D LIKE TO MAKE.
TIM...
YOU'RE GETTING
MARRIED?
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU GUYS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
THAT DESERVES
A TOAST.
[ SPEAKS ITALIAN ]
ALL RIGHT.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU.
SO CAN WE DIG IN?
PLEASE DO.
ALICE, DON'T
TURN AROUND.
ALICE...
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT IGNORING ME.
I WAS...BUSY.
I WAS TALKING.
EXCUSE ME,
HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN
BETTE AND TINA HERE TONIGHT?
NO, THEY HAD, LIKE,
A DINNER PARTY OR SOMETHING.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
I'LL CHECK YOU ALL LATER.
BYE, KIT.
OKAY.
ANYWAY, I...
ABOUT THAT STORY,
I THINK THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN THE WHOLE CHART THING,
AND, UM...THE GUYS
AT THE MAGAZINE
LOOKED PRETTY
INTERESTED IN IT,
AND, UM...
SOMETHING ABOUT THE...
YEAH, THEY LIKED THE WAY
I LINKED THE EDITOR
TO ME...
IN, LIKE, THREE MOVES.
ALICE?
[ KICKS TABLE ]
ALICE?
WHAT?
IT'S...IT'S COOL.
MAY I HAVE A GLASS?
SURE.
♪ I CANNOT BEAR
WHAT IS TRUE ♪
LET ME SEE YOUR RING.
♪ FOREVER ♪
♪ I ONLY WANT ♪
♪ WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU ♪
ARE YOU HAPPY?
DON'T ASK ME THAT.
OH, SORRY.
I WAS ADMIRING
JENNY'S RING.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
TIM HAS GREAT TASTE.
♪ I ONLY WANT ♪
YEAH, HE DOES.
I'M...
I'M REALLY...
I'M JUST REALLY NOT USED
TO THE WAY THIS FEELS...
THIS RING.
[ KNOCKING ]
YES?
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I KNOW IT'S NOT MY PLACE
TO JUDGE YOU, MARINA,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU AND JENNY,
BUT I THINK THIS IS WRONG.
I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY...
BUT I DON'T THINK
I'VE DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
FIRST QUESTION.
IF YOU HAD ONLY ONE DAY
LEFT TO LIVE,
HOW WOULD YOU
LIVE IT?
JENNY.
YES.
OH, UM...
I WOULD PROBABLY SPEND
THE WHOLE DAY AND NIGHT
WRITING, UNTIL...
I FELT AS THOUGH
I'D LEFT SOMETHING BEHIND
THAT I WAS PROUD OF.
YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T
SPEND IT WITH ME?
REALLY, HUH?
I WOULD BE LYING
ON A BEACH,
SIPPING RUM AND READING BORGES.
AND I WOULD
BE WITH YOU,
BECAUSE JENNY WOULD BE
OFF SOMEWHERE WRITING.
OKAY, YOUR TURN.
I NEED TO LEAVE.
NAKED IN
TAHITI.
THAT'S THE WAY
TO DO IT.
YOU GUYS, BETTE HAS
THIS THROBBING HEADACHE,
AND SHE HAS HAD IT
SINCE EARLY THIS MORNING,
SO I'M GOING
TO TAKE HER HOME.
OH. CAN I GET YOU SOME ADVIL?
NO, NO, I'M JUST GOING
TO PUT HER TO BED.
SHE'LL BE FINE.
BUT THANKS,
IT WAS SUCH A GREAT EVENING.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
BYE, TIM.
NICE MEETING YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
BYE, BETTE.
I HOPE YOU
FEEL BETTER.
I'M SURE I WILL. THANKS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MARINA AND JENNY.
WHAT MAKES YOU
SO SURE?
BELIEVE ME.
I SAW THEM.
THEY WERE GETTING
REAL CLOSE
IN THE KITCHEN.
WELL, MAYBE THEY
WERE JUST TALKING.
I'M SURE IF
ANYTHING HAPPENED,
IT WAS PROBABLY JUST
A ONE-TIME THING.
MAYBE TIM KNOWS.
TIM DOESN'T KNOW.
THEY WERE IN THERE
MAKING A FOOL OF HIM.
WHY ARE YOU BEING
SO JUDGMENTAL?
AND WHY ARE YOU BEING
SO BLASE?
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS?
NO.
WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BIG
OF A DEAL.
WHY? JUST BECAUSE
MARINA'S A WOMAN,
IT DOESN'T COUNT?
OH, YEAH, BETTE,
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I THINK.
WELL, THOSE ARE
REALLY GREAT VALUES
TO PASS ON TO OUR KID,
AREN'T THEY, TINA?
YOU MEAN
YOU'RE PREGNANT?
JESUS!
AND NO ONE
WAS GOING TO TELL ME?
HI, KIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
WE DON'T KNOW YET.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO BREAK IN?
LOOK, I'M GOING
TO GO TO BED, YOU GUYS.
YOU CAN'T.
I NEED TO TALK
TO BOTH OF YOU.
IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
WELL, IF I DON'T DO IT NOW,
THEN I AM GOING
TO LOSE MY NERVE.
IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT?
START MAKING AMENDS.
IS THIS A 12-STEP THING?
YEAH, AND I...
I HAVE TO DO THIS,
OR I'M NOT GOING TO GET
MY LICENSE BACK.
SO IT'S A REQUIREMENT.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN MEAN IT.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO
GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS....
NO, IT'S NOT.
I REALLY MEAN IT.
...LIKE YOU DO ALL THE TIME.
I REALLY MEAN IT,
AND I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINKING
ABOUT IT,
AND I WROTE A LIST
THAT I WANTED YOU TO LOOK AT
TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW,
THAT I FORGOT.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
OKAY...
BETTE, I HAVE TO DO THIS.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE TIME
I YELLED AT YOU
WHEN YOU WERE 10,
AND YOU HID IN THE GARAGE
TO LISTEN
TO MY BAND PRACTICE.
I APOLOGIZE
THAT I DIDN'T TURN UP
FOR YOUR 12th BIRTHDAY PARTY
AFTER PROMISING I WOULD.
AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR HIDING MY STASH
IN YOUR TEDDY BEAR
AND LETTING DADDY
REAM YOU,
EVEN THOUGH
HE KNEW IT WAS MINE,
AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR DISAPPEARING FROM YOUR LIFE
FOR SO MANY YEARS.
[ SIGHS ]
COME ON, HELP ME OUT HERE.
YOU KNOW I MEAN IT.
BETTE, YOU KNOW IT'S JUST
NOT THAT EASY FOR HER!
WELL, I GUESS
I FUCKED THAT UP.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
[ SIGHS HEAVILY ]
HEY!
SO DID YOU HEAR
FROM SUBARU?
DID YOU GET IT?
I DID IT.
OH, MY GOD!
THAT IS FANTASTIC.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
THANKS.
WELL, THEY'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE YOU.
OH, THANKS.
WELL, UM, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
JUST IN CASE
YOU WERE STILL WONDERING.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ ♪♪ ]
HI.
WELL, HEY.
I LIKE YOUR BOOTS.
HI.
ARE YOU, UM, WITH ANYONE?
UM...NO.
HEY!
[ PLAYS LOUD GUITAR NOTE ]
I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
THERE'S A MENACE
IN THE HOUSE.
SHE'S A USER...
AND A FUCKER,
AND SHE HAS PROBABLY
FUCKED YOU AND YOU
AND YOU...
AND THERE SHE IS!
ON THE PROWL
LOOKING FOR ANOTHER GIRL
TO FUCK AND LEAVE!
SO TELL HER, "NO MORE!"
STOP THE MENACE!
I'M SORRY.
STOP THE MENACE!
COME ON! STOP THE MENACE!
STOP THE MENACE!
I THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT
TO HAVE SUCH
STRONG CONVICTIONS.
IT MAKES YOU
WHO YOU ARE.
IT SETS YOU APART.
I LOVE YOU FOR THAT.
I DO.
[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]
YES.
OUI. THANK YOU.
GOOD-BYE, TIM.
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
JENNY, YOU HAVE
A WONDERFUL HOME.
THANK YOU.
WOW. HEY, JUST
ONE QUESTION.
WHO IS IN LOVE
WITH THAT WOMAN?
COUNT ME IN.
I'M ONLY HUMAN.
THE WOMAN HAS A CHARM
THAT GOES WAY BEYOND THE FACT
THAT SHE'S JUST...STUNNING.
YES. JENNY...
DON'T YOU HAVE
JUST A LITTLE CRUSH ON HER?
NO.
♪ ONCE YOU START,
THERE'S REALLY NOTHIN' TO IT ♪
♪ AS THE EARTH BEGAN
TO COOL ♪
♪ WERE WERE LOUNGING
BY THE GENE POOL ♪
♪ AND NOTICED ONE
ATTRACTIVE AND MAGNETIC ♪
♪ BOTH THE SAME
AND YET AT ODDS ♪
♪ A GIFT FROM THE GODS ♪
♪ APPEALING TO A LONGING
QUITE GENETIC ♪
♪ IT'S LOVE ♪
♪ THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE DONE ♪
♪ JUST GIVE YOURSELF OVER
TO THE TORTURE AND FUN ♪
♪ THE SUM OF THE PARTS ♪
♪ IS SO MUCH MORE THAN ONE ♪
♪ PLUS ONE ♪