>> Lou: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"!
TONIGHT ‐‐
ROB LOWE.
FRANCIA RAISA.
AND MUSIC FROM JOY OLADOKUN.
AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HI, THANK YOU.
HI, WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
I'M JIMMY, I'M THE HOST OF THE
SHOW.
WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE, RELAX.
I KNOW IT IS ‐‐ OH, MAN, IT WAS
VERY COLD HERE IN L. A. TODAY.
64 DEGREES IT GOT DOWN TO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAD TO WEAR TWO LAYERS OF YOGA
PANTS TO WORK THIS MORNING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE THINK IT'S COLD.
WE COMPLAIN ABOUT IT BEING COLD.
BUT IT'S NOT COLD.
IT IS WINDY AND COLD MOST
EVERYPLACE ELSE.
THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE ARE DEALING
WITH IN THE MIDWEST.
COURTESY OF A NEST CAM, A MAN IN
ILLINOIS WITH VERY SPORTY RIMS,
WAS EXCEPTIONALLY CAREFUL NOT TO
SLIP ON THE ICE.
ON HIS WAY INTO HIS HOUSE.
AND IN FACT, HE DID NOT SLIP ON
THE ICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT HIS CAR ALMOST IMMEDIATELY
DID.
AND THEN ‐‐ LIKE A PENGUIN
HEADED FOR THE SEA, HE WENT
SLIDING AFTER IT.
THAT'S KIND OF HOW IT'S GONE
WITH COVID, YOU KNOW?
JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT WE MADE IT,
RIGHT BACK DOWN THE DRIVEWAY WE
GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THIS IS INTERESTING.
WE COULD HAVE A TWO‐FER AS FAR
AS VACCINES GO.
MODERNA IS WORKING ON A SHOT
THAT WOULD PROTECT YOU FROM
COVID AND THE FLU AT THE SAME
TIME.
THEY WERE APPARENTLY INSPIRED BY
THE GENIUS WHO CAME UP WITH THE
COMBINED TACO BELL/PIZZA HUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THOSE JARS OF PEANUT BUTTER
WITH JELLY IN THEM.
THEY SAY THIS COULD BE THE
SMUCKERS GOOBIE ‐‐ GOOBER
EVENT ‐‐ I CAN'T SAY IT.
GUILLERMO?
>> Guillermo: I CAN'T SAY IT.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MODERNA SAYS THE COMBINATION
COVID‐FLU SHOT COULD BE
AVAILABLE BY NEXT WINTER.
AND PFIZER HAS SOMETHING SIMILAR
GOING.
PFIZER IS WORKING ON A SHOT THAT
PROTECTS YOU FROM COVID AND
GIVES YOU AN ERECTION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I LIKE THIS.
IT'S ESPECIALLY GOOD FOR KIDS
LIKE MINE WHO HATE GETTING
SHOTS.
AND EVEN MILITANT ANTI‐VAXERS,
THIS IS GREAT FOR THEM, THEY
DON'T HAVE TO RUN ALL OVER TOWN
MAKING DEATH THREATS TO TWO
DIFFERENT PHARMACISTS NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES,
MAKING THE SHOTS ISN'T OUR
PROBLEM.
TAKING THE SHOTS IS THE ISSUE WE
HAVE.
OF 15 COUNTRIES SURVEYED, THE
U.S. HAS THE SECOND‐LOWEST
VACCINATION RATE IN THE WORLD.
IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
WE'RE AT 66%.
THE NEXT LOWEST COUNTRY, JAPAN,
IS AT 84%.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE PEOPLE HERE ARE
GETTING BAD INFORMATION FROM
SOMEPLACE, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY COUNTRY BELOW US ON THE
LIST IS RUSSIA.
WHICH IS KIND OF NICE.
OUR COUNTRIES HAVEN'T BEEN ON
THE SAME PAGE LIKE THIS SINCE
ROCKY FOUGHT DRAGO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE PART OF ALL THIS I'M MOST
CONFUSED BY IS THE 6% OF
AMERICANS WHO SAYS THEY ARE
"PLANNING TO GET VACCINATED."
OKAY, YEAH, WHEN?
THE VACCINE HAS BEEN OUT FOR
MORE THAN A YEAR.
HOW BUSY COULD YOU BE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE GOVERNMENT TODAY ‐‐
YOU KNOW HOW BIDEN SAID HE'D BE
SENDING US FREE TESTS?
WELL, THE WEBSITE IS UP AND
RUNNING A DAY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.
YOU GET FOUR TESTS PER
HOUSEHOLD, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS
FOR PEOPLE WHO LIVE ALONE AND
LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY OF
FIVE?
DO YOU START RANKING YOUR
CHILDREN?
I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE TESTS ARE EXPECTED TO SHIP
WITHIN 7 TO 12 DAYS.
WHICH IS GOOD.
FREE COVID TESTS BY MAIL.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA IF THIS WAS A
YEAR AGO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, BIDEN'S ORIGINAL PLAN
WAS YOU SEND IN A BUNCH OF
CEREAL BOX TOPS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK.
NOW HE'S ON TO THIS.
WE'VE SEEN A LOT OF PEOPLE
MAKING A CASE FOR VACCINATION,
FROM DR. FAUCI TO OLIVO RODRIGO
TO ZAURN.
ALL OF THEM.
BUT MY OPINION THAT IS NO LIVIN
COMPELLING ARGUMENT TO GET THE
SHOT THAN THIS NEWS COMMENTATOR
FROM MEXICO.
HIS NAME IS LEONARDO SCHWEBEL.
HE CLEARED ALL POSSIBLE LANGUAGE
BARRIERS TO MAKE HIS CASE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: MUCHO BUENO!
WELL DONE, LEONARDO SCHWEBEL!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MAY MAKE THAT MY RING TONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN HONG KONG, THE GOVERNMENT IS
FIGHTING COVID IN THE ANIMAL
KINGDOM.
>> HONG KONG ANNOUNCED THEY WILL
BE EUTHANIZING ABOUT 2,000
ANIMALS AFTER RODENTS IN A PET
STORE TESTED POSITIVE FOR
COVID‐19 WHERE AN INFECTED
EMPLOYEE WAS WORKING.
CUSTOMERS WHO PURCHASED ANIMALS
WILL BE FORCED TO QUARANTINE AND
MUST HAND OVER THEIR HAMSTERS TO
AUTHORITIES TO BE PUT DOWN.
>> Jimmy: HAND OVER YOUR
HAMSTERS?
THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME.
DON'T HAMSTERS ALREADY LIVE IN
QUARANTINE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE GOING OUT
TO EAT, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE PLASTIC BALL
FOR IF NOT THIS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
OMICRON IS ALSO WREAKING HAVOC
ONTHE WINTER OLYMPICS, WHICH
ARE SET TO START NEXT MONTH IN
BEIJING.
CHINA YESTERDAY ANNOUNCED THEY
WON'T BE SELLING TICKETS.
THERE WILL BE NO SPECTATORS AT
ANY OF THE EVENTS.
THEY HAVE DECIDED TO BAN
FOREIGNERS FROM VISITING AND
SEVERAL COUNTRIES, INCLUDING THE
U.S., ARE ADVISING ATHLETES NOT
TO BRING THEIR CELL PHONES WITH
THEM.
BECAUSE THEY THINK THE CHINESE
GOVERNMENT IS LIKELY TO TRY TO
TRACK AND HACK INTO THEM.
BOY, THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE
REALLY HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK ON
THIS ONE, DIDN'T THEY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S SEE.
COVID‐PARANOID SURVEILLANCE
STATE WITH CONCENTRATION CAMPS
AND NO SNOW ‐‐ WINTER OLYMPICS,
HERE WE COME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BACK HERE AT HOME IN AMERICA,
THE MY PILLOW MAN, MIKE LINDELL,
IS HAVING SOME TROUBLE IN THE
MONEY DEPARTMENT.
THE TROUBLE IS, NO ONE WANTS HIS
MONEY.
MIKE CLAIMS THAT NOT ONE, BUT
TWO DIFFERENT FINANCIAL
INSTITUTIONS HAVE ASKED HIM TO
LEAVE THEIR BANK.
ACCORDING TO A REPRESENTATIVE
FROM ONE OF THE BANKS, HAVING A
BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH
MIKE LINDELL IS A REPUTATION
RISK, WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE,
GIVEN THE FACT THAT HE AS
NATIONALLY KNOWN CRAZY PERSON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MIKE IS OBVIOUSLY UPSET.
SO MUCH SO THAT DURING AN
APPEARANCE IN ARIZONA OVER THE
WEEKEND, HE SHARED AUDIO HE
CLAIMS CAME FROM A PHONE
CONVERSATION BETWEEN ONE OF HIS
EMPLOYEES AND ONE OF HIS BANKS.
LISTEN.
>> WHENEVER A BANK CLOSES YOUR
ACCOUNT, YOU'RE ON A BAD BOY
LIST.
WE ARE NOT CLOSING YOUR ACCOUNT.
SO WE'RE JUST ASKING YOU TO
CLOSE IT.
>> OKAY, I'LL CLOSE IT TOMORROW!
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
AT SOME RATE, MIKE IS BLOWING
THROUGH MONEY SO MUCH, I HAVE A
FEELING THIS PROBLEM IS GOING TO
RESOLVE ITSELF ON ITS OWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOTHING CAN STOP THIS MAN'S
CAN‐DO SPIRIT.
THIS IS A MAN WHO TAKES LIFE'S
LEMONS AND MAKES HATS OUT OF
THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HIS LATEST BUSINESS VENTURE
MIGHT BE HIS BEST IDEA YET.
>> HELLO, I'M MIKE LINDELL,
INVENTOR OF MY PILLOW.
WITH AN EXCITING NEW BUSINESS
VENTURE I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU
ABOUT.
AFTER YEARS OF SEARCHING, I JUST
COULDN'T FIND THE RIGHT
FINANCIAL INSTITUTION TO FIT MY
NEEDS, ON ACCOUNT OF MY TIES TO
SEDITIONISTS AND ATTEMPTS TO
OVERTURN A U. S. ELECTION.
SO I MADE A BANK OF MY OWN.
I CALL IT MYBANK.
MYBANK IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF
BANK, WHERE WE TRUST OUR
CUSTOMERS SO MUCH, WE GOT LOOSE
PENS.
SEE NO CHAINS ON THEM.
ONE TIME I GOT MYSELF ALL
TANGLED UP IN ONE OF THESE DARN
THINGS AND DAMN NEAR STRANGLED
MYSELF.
OH!
BANKING WITH MYBANK IS EASY.
JUST PUT YOUR CASH IN AN
ENVELOPE AND MAIL TO IT MYBANK
AT 1121122TEEN1122, MONEY THAT
TONKA, MINNESOTA, 11221111.
ONCE WE RECEIVE YOUR DOUGH IT
WILL BE STUFFED INTO ONE OF
THESE LUXURIOUS COTTON CASES.
HOLY HELL, FEEL THAT SATEEN
WEAVE.
CAREFULLY ACCOUNTED FOR BY MY
NEPHEW JUNO.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT SECURITY, NO
ONE WOULD DARRON US BECAUSE THIS
WHOLE PLACE IS RIGGED TO BLOW.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
WE GOT SAFE DEPOSIT BOXES TO
PROTECT YOUR PRICELESS
COLLECTIONS OF CHEWING GUM AND
KITTEN TEETH.
AND MYBANK IS THE FIRST
FINANCIAL INSTITUTION TO DEAL
DIRECTLY IN HUMAN SPERM.
JUST FILL UP A JUG AND WE'LL
SAFE YOUR BABY GRAVY TO ENSURE
MANY FUTURE GENERATIONS OF
PATRIOTIC CAUCASIAN AMERICANS.
MYBANK IS PROUDLY NOT BACKED BY
THE FDIC BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED
NO STINKING GOVERNMENT SNIFFING
AROUND OUR LOOT.
VOID WHERE PROHIBITED.
MYBANK NOT BE RESPONSIBLE IF
YOUR MONEY IS STOLEN OR WET.
SO SEND ALL YOUR DOUGH TO
MYBANK.
WE'RE NOT CLOWNING AROUND.
>> CLOWNS?
>> NO, JUNO, NO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I LIKE IT.
WE ARE LEARNING MORE ABOUT WHAT
WENT DOWN IN THE AFTERMATH OF
JANUARY 6th.
THIS LITTLE NUGGET TELLS YOU ALL
YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE DUM
DUMS WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL.
ON JANUARY 7th, THE DAY AFTER
THE RIOT, SOME OF THESE WINGNUTS
STARTED CALLING, OF ALL PEOPLE,
NANCY PELOSI, TO SEE IF SHE
COULD HELP THEM FIND STUFF THEY
LEFT BEHIND WHILE RANSACKING HER
OFFICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS TRUE.
ACCORDING TO CONGRESSMAN
JAMIE RASKIN OF MARYLAND, SOME
OF THE RIOTERS CALLED THE
CAPITOL OFFICES TO ASK WHETHER
THERE WAS A LOST AND FOUND
BECAUSE THEY FORGOT THEIR PHONE
THERE, OR THEY LEFT THEIR PURSE
OR WHAT HAVE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO RASKIN SAID LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICERS GOT ON THE PHONE, TOOK
DOWN THEIR NAMES, ADDRESSES,
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS, AND
THEN USED THAT INFORMATION TO
FIND AND ARREST THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHICH IS WONDERFUL.
AND INTERESTING.
IN FACT, VERY INTERESTING.
I WANTED TO FIND OUT MORE.
WE ASKED THE DIRECTOR OF THE
LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT AT THE
CAPITOL TO VIDEOCHAT.
AND SHE VERY GRACIOUSLY SAID
YES.
SHE'S WITH US NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME SAMANTHA SONNIG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HELLO.
THANKS FOR SPEAKING WITH US,
MISS SONNIG.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING
ME, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: SO, AFTER THE
INSURRECTION, ITEMS WERE LEFT
BEHIND.
>> THAT'S CORRECT, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HAVE THEY ALL BEEN
CLAIMED?
>> NO, MOST OF THE ITEMS HAVE
NOT ACTUALLY BEEN CLAIMED.
>> Jimmy: SO DO YOU HAVE A LIST
OF ALL THE UNCLAIMED STUFF FROM
THAT TIME?
>> ACTUALLY, WE HAVE THE ITEMS
THEMSELVES.
>> Jimmy: GREAT!
>> HERE IN PERSON.
>> Jimmy: CAN WE SEE THOSE?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Jimmy: EXCELLENT.
>> OKAY.
FIRST OFF, THERE ARE A LOT OF
CARGO SHORTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE SO MANY CARGO SHORTS.
OH ‐‐ AND THIS ONE HAD A JIMMY
DEAN'S BREAKFAST SAUSAGE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
>> I'M GOING TO GET HUNGRY
LATER.
pWE ALSO HAVE ABOUT FOUR DOZEN
PAIRS OF OAKLEY SUNGLASSES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALL OAKLEY SUNGLASSES?
>> ALL OAKLEY.
>> Jimmy: WHY DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE ALL OAKLEY SUNGLASSES?
>> I THINK OAKLEY SUNGLASSES
MAKE A STATEMENT.
AND THAT STATEMENT IS, "I'M THE
COACH OF THIS TEE BALL TEAM.
AND IF MY SON STRIKES OUT, I
WILL SPIT IN AN UMPIRE'S FACE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT IN THE BOX?
>> WE HAVE THIS FUR HAT, WHICH
IS KIND OF COOL.
I THINK IT'S MADE OUT OF
BUFFALO, WHICH IS AWESOME.
LOOK, I'M JAMIROQUI!
>> Jimmy: I THINK THOSE MIGHT BE
UNDERPANTS YOU HAVE ON YOUR
HEAD.
>> OH ‐‐ GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT,
THEY'RE UNDERPANTS.
>> Jimmy: GROSS.
>> SO SILLY.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S PRETTY GROSS.
>> THEY'RE STILL A LITTLE WET.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE.
WE HAVE THESE TRUCK NUTZ.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE HAVE THIS MONSTER ENERGY
DRINK THAT'S TURNED INTO A PCP
PIPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: COOL.
>> WE HAVE ‐‐ OH, GOD.
THIS IS SOMETHING.
WE HAVE CONFEDERATE FLAG JESUS.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FOR ALL YOU HISTORY BUFFS OUT
THERE, WE HAVE AN ARREST WARRANT
FOR MR. MICHAEL PENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT HOW YOU
SPELL ARREST, WARRANT, OR PENCE,
ACTUALLY, EITHER.
>> IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
>> Jimmy: TRUE.
>> WHAT ELSE DID THESE [ BLEEP ]
LEAVE IN HERE?
LET'S SEE.
WE HAVE A BILL GATES VOODOO
DOLL.
WE HAVE A BASS PRO SHOP THONG
FOR THE LADIES OUT THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S KIND OF FUN.
WE HAVE A WALLET CHAIN WITH A
WALLET.
A JIMMY BUFFETT BELT BUCKLE.
WE HAVE THIS PICTURE THAT SAYS
"I HEART GRANDDAUGHTER" WITH A
PICTURE ‐‐
>> Jimmy: HOLD IT, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU.
IN FACT, IT'S EVEN WEARING THE
SAME THING YOU'RE WEARING.
>> WHY ‐‐
>> Jimmy: IT HAS A MICROPHONE
ON, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> UM ‐‐ CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME A
SECOND?
JUST ONE SECOND.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> JUST HAVE TO MAKE A PHONE
CALL.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
>> HI, MAMAW, IT'S SAMANTHA,
UH‐HUH.
YEAH, NO, I'M GOOD.
NO, HE DIED, MAMAW.
HE DIED A LONG TIME AGO.
LISTEN, WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON
JANUARY 6th LAST YEAR?
MAMAW, NO, I'M NOT WITH NANCY
PELOSI.
YOU CANNOT USE THE "C" WORD,
MAMAW, I'M ON TV ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS SOUNDS PERSONAL,
I'M GOING TO LET YOU DEAL WITH
THAT.
THANK YOU, SAMANTHA.
>> I THINK I FOUND YOUR
UNDERWEAR HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: OH MY GOD.
WELL, WE HAVE A FINE SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
FROM "HOW I MET YOUR FATHER,"
FRANCIA RAISA IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE HAVE MUSIC FROM JOY OLADOKUN.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ROB LOWE.
SO STICK AROUND!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: TONIGHT, FROM THE NEW
SHOW "HOW I MET YOUR FATHER,"
WHICH YOU CAN SEE ON HULU,
FRANCIA RAISA IS WITH US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THEN LATER, SHE IS A TALENTED
SINGER‐SONGWRITER FROM
CASA GRANDE, ARIZONA.
HER ALBUM IS CALLED "IN DEFENSE
OF MY OWN HAPPINESS."
MUSIC FROM JOY OLADOKUN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TOMORROW NIGHT, RACHEL BROSNAHAN
AND ERIC ANDRE WILL JOIN US,
WITH MUSIC FROM DAMON ALBARN.
AND ON THURSDAY NIGHT,
JASON BATEMAN, ASHLEY PARK, AND
MUSIC FROM GHOST.
SO PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL THAT.
OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR WHO
HAS BEEN A BELOVED PART OF OUR
LIVES SINCE WE HAD LIVES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE HOSTS TWO PODCASTS AND PUTS
OUT FICTIONAL FIRES IN "911:
LONE STAR," MONDAY NIGHTS ON
PLEASE WELCOME ROB LOWE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WERE YOU DRESSED AS A
FIREFIGHTER EARLIER TODAY?
>> I WAS.
I DID TWO RESCUES ‐‐ I'VE SAVED
TWO LIVES TODAY ALONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WOW.
YOU'RE ALSO ‐‐ NOT ONLY ARE YOU
SAVING LIVES, YOU'RE HOSTING TWO
PODCASTS.
>> I HAVE "LITERALLY WITH ROB
LOWE," CONVERSATIONS WITH
INTERESTING PEOPLE.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY FAVORITE
GUESTS I'VE HAD.
>> Jimmy: I HAD FUN WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, NO ONE HAS EVER
LET ME GO ON AND ON FOR 17
MINUTES ABOUT MR. ROBOTO BEFORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE STYX SONG.
>> IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN
17 MINUTES OF YOU AND I TALKING
ABOUT "MR. ROBOTO," YOU'RE NOT
OUR AUDIENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE NOT OUR PEOPLE.
>> YOU'RE NOT OUR PEOPLE.
17 MINUTES ABOUT MR. ROBOTO.
>> Jimmy: IT WAS FUN.
>> IT WAS SO FUN.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU TALK ABOUT MR.
RO
ROBOTO WITH EVERYONE?
>> EVERYONE.
OPRAH, BIG FAN.
>> Jimmy: HOW MANY TIMES HAS
OPRAH BEEN ON YOUR SHOW?
>> TWICE.
>> Jimmy: UNBELIEVABLE.
HOW MANY HOT CASTS HAVE YOU
DONE?
>> I JUST DID MY 90th.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: AND YOU'VE HAD OPRAH
TWO TIMES?
>> COOL, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: HOW DO YOU GET OPEN
RAT SECOND TIME IN THE FIRST
TIME, YOU'VE PROBABLY KNOWN HER
FOR YEARS.
YOU SIT IN HER VEGETABLE GARDEN,
SAY I'M NOT LEAVING?
>> THIS IS HOW YOU'VE DONE
HOWEVER MANY SHOWS YOU'VE DONE,
YOU THINK LIKE A PRODUCER.
SHE'S MY NEIGHBOR.
YOU ASK HER, SHE DOESN'T GET
BACK TO YOU.
YOU ASK HER, SHE REFERS YOU TO
STEDMAN.
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY?
>> YOU ASK HER, SHE ASKS GAYLE.
YOU ASK HER, SHE GIVES YOU THE
COLD SHOULDER AGAIN.
THEN YOU EGG HER HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE SAYS YES.
>> Jimmy: CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU
EGGED OPRAH'S HOUSE?
OH MAN.
>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU'D HAVE TO
HAVE AN ARM OF AARON RODGERS TO
GET IT FROM THE STREET TO THE
HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YES, THE SUSPECT LIST
WOULD BE PRETTY SMALL.
ALSO, A VOLCANO WOULD OPEN UNDER
YOUR HOME OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OPRAH TWO TIMES.
>> PEOPLE I KNOW AND LOVE,
McCONAUGHEY, GWYNETH PALTROW,
MAGIC JOHNSON.
>> Jimmy: CHARLES BARKLEY?
>> CHARLES BARKLEY.
MUSIC, LINDSAY BUCKINGHAM OF
FLEETWOOD MAC AND I GET TO NERD
OUT.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> KENNY LOGGINS.
I'M LIKE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST USE
MICHAEL McDONALD FOR EVERY
BACKGROUND VOCAL YOU EVER HAD?
>> Jimmy: WHY WOULDN'T YOU?
[ APPLAUSE ]
I HAVE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT KENNY
LOGGINS.
SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED HERE.
>> TELL ME, GIVE TO IT ME.
>> Jimmy: TOM CRUISE WAS HERE.
WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO
HAVE KENNY LOGGINS SIT IN.
>> "DANGER ZONE."
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
GUESS WHAT, THEY'D NEVER MET
BEFORE.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME THEY'D
EVER MET.
>> THAT'S AMAZING.
>> Jimmy: HERE ON THE SHOW.
>> A GREAT STORY, I SAID, HOW
DID YOU GET YOUR MUSIC IN "TOP
GUN"?
I JUST ASSUMED THEY WOULD GO TO
HIM, HE'S KENNY LOGGINS.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> NO.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> HE HAS A SIT IN A THEATER
WITH THE GUYS FROM JOURNEY AND
WHITESNAKE.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
>> DONNA SUMMER.
THEY'RE ALL SCHEMING ABOUT HOW
THEY GET THEIR SONGS IN IT.
AND HE GOES, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN HE SAW THE VOLLEYBALL
SCENE, HE GOES, NO ONE'S GOING
TO WRITE A SONG FOR THE
VOLLEYBALL SCENE.
I WILL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS FIRST
SONG IN, AND THEN "DANGER ZONE."
THE LEAD SINGER CANCELED AND
JOJO MARODER CALLED KENNY, SAID
YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE
SOUNDTRACK, WILL YOU COME IN AND
SING?
>> Jimmy: WOW, THAT'S CRAZY.
>> THESE ARE THE NUGGETS YOU
GET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD NUGGET.
YOU HAD GWYNETH PALTROW ON THE
SHOW.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: AND YOU LEARNED
SOMETHING VERY, VERY INTERESTING
ABOUT HER.
>> WHAT?
>> Jimmy: VERY INTERESTING,
PERSONALLY INTERESTING.
>> ABOUT MY WIFE?
>> Jimmy: ABOUT WHAT YOUR
WIFE ‐‐ SHE TAUGHT YOUR WIFE ‐‐
YOUR WIFE TAUGHT HER?
>> YES.
WELL, HERE'S THE THING.
THE GOOD NEWS IS MY WIFE DOESN'T
WATCH ANYTHING I DO, SO SHE
WON'T BE WATCHING THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY, RIGHT.
>> BUT MY WIFE, WHEN GWYNETH WAS
A LITTLE PRECOCIOUS 18‐YEAR‐OLD,
MY WIFE WAS STILL A MAKEUP
ARTIST ON A MOVIE THAT GWYNETH'S
MOTHER, BLYTHE DANNER, WAS
WORKING ON.
GWYNETH CAME TO VISIT.
CHERYL WOULD GIVE HER
CIGARETTES.
THEY'D GO OUT AND SMOKE BEHIND
THE TRAILER.
SHE WAS LIKE A BIG SISTER TO
GWYNETH, STILL IS.
GWYNETH TOLD ME ON THE PODCAST,
I HAD NO IDEA, I MUST THANK HER,
THAT MY WIFE TAUGHT GWYNETH HOW
TO ‐‐ HOW SHOULD WE SAY THIS ON
NETWORK TELEVISION?
>> Jimmy: I THINK "PERFORM ORAL
SEX" WOULD BE THE WAY TO GO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
A VERY NICE THING FOR HER TO DO.
>> OR AS I LIKE TO SAY, CHRIS
MARTIN AND BRAD FELLCHUCK,
YOU'RE WELCOME.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I FEEL APOLOGIES ARE
IN ORDER TO THIS YOUNG MAN WHO
TWEETED, AFTER READING THIS
STORY, GWYNETH PALTROW REVEALS
THE SEX TIPS SHE PICKED UP,
2020'S BEEN A WILD RIDE, BUT
THIS HAS SETTLED IT FOR ME, I
CHOOSE DEATH BY MURDER HORNETS,
THIS IS YOUR SON.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> I DID IT.
I DID IT.
THAT'S NOT A VISUAL THAT THOSE
BOYS ARE INTERESTED IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> I MEAN, THAT'S A ‐‐ I THINK
THE THERAPY BILLS WILL BE COMING
TO ME.
>> Jimmy: YOU MENTIONED IN
PASSING, SPEAKING TO JOHN
STAMOS, THAT THERE WAS A TIME IN
THE '80s WHERE YOU AND JACK
NICHOLSON WENT ON THE ROAD WITH
THE LAKERS.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: WHAT YEAR WAS THAT, DO
YOU REMEMBER?
>> I FEEL SPORTS FANS WILL KNOW
BETTER.
IT WAS LAKERS, DETROIT
PISTONS ‐‐
>> Jimmy: LIKE '87?
>> '86, '87?
>> Jimmy: SO YOU WENT TO ‐‐
>> ON THE ROAD TO DETROIT.
>> Jimmy: JUST TO DETROIT.
DID YOU GO ON THE TEAM PLANE?
>> WELL, I HAD.
YOU KNOW.
PAT RILEY ENDED UP BARRING ME
FROM GOING ON THE TEAM PLANE.
AND REALLY BARRED ME FROM
STAYING IN THE TEAM HOTEL.
>> Jimmy: WHY?
WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> WELL, JIMMY, IT WAS THE '80s.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU SAYING YOU
WERE A BAD INFLUENCE ON THE
LAKERS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
REALLY?
WOW.
>> I MEAN, WHAT A BADGE OF HONOR
TO BE BANNED BY PAT RILEY, COME
ON.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, NO KIDDING.
>> RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: NO KIDDING.
THAT'S CRAZY.
>> HISTORIC.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU REMEMBER ANY
MOMENTS OR ANYTHING THAT YOU
OBSERVED?
>> IT MIGHT HAVE ‐‐ IT MIGHT
HAVE BEEN WHEN I GAVE A PLAYER,
WHO SHALL GO NAMELESS, A
QUAALUDE.
AND THEY WENT ON AN OVER 60
SHOOTING SLUMP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
>> I'M JUST SAYING.
RIGHT NOW PEOPLE ARE GOOGLING
IT.
>> Jimmy: WAS IT REALLY OVER 60?
>> IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, I THINK
IT WAS OVER 32.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REALLY.
>> Jimmy: WELL, IT WASN'T A. C.
GREEN.
>> STOP IT, YOU'RE GOING TO GET
ME IN TROUBLE!
>> Jimmy: IT HAS TO BE A GUARD
BECAUSE NOBODY COULD BE ‐‐
>> KILLING ME.
>> Jimmy: IF YOU'RE RIGHT ‐‐
OIF
THAT'S GOOD STUFF.30 ‐‐ WOW, ‐
>> THAT'S WHAT'S FUN ABOUT DOING
THE PODCAST.
WHERE ELSE ARE THOSE STORIES
GOING TO COME UP?
>> Jimmy: NOBODY HAS BETTER
STORIES THAN YOU DO, REALLY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, ROB LOWE HAS
MORE WONDERFUL STORIES ABOUT
QUAALUDES AND THE LAKERS AND
ORAL SEX WHEN WE COME BACK.
>>> THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND THEM.
NOT MY PROBLEM.
I'M GOING TO MAKE A LITTLE
DONATION TO YOUR HEALTH FUND AND
BE ON MY WAY.
YOU CAN KEEP THE BLANKET.
[ DISCUSSION IN SPANISH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]p>> Jimm
ASS‐KICKING FIREFIGHTER RIGHT
THERE.
ROB LOWE IS BACK.
THAT IS "911: LONE STAR."
>> HEAD BUTT!
>> Jimmy: I WAS NOT EXPECTING
THAT AT ALL, NOT EXPECTING THE
HEAD BUTT.
>> Jimmy: NOR WAS HE, OBVIOUSLY.
>> HE'S A COYOTE AND THOSE
PEOPLE NEEDED HELP.
>> Jimmy: IF THERE'S ONE THING
YOU HATE, IT'S COYOTES.
>> AND HUMAN TRAFFICKING, WON'T
STAND FOR IT.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
ARE YOU COULD PUT OUT A FIRE IF
THERE WAS ONE ON THE SET?
>> BRO, CAN FAKE HELP IN ALMOST
ANY AREA YOU WANT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ARE THERE GUYS AROUND
FOR SITUATIONS LIKE THAT?
>> THE THING IS WITH ACTORS, YOU
FAKE‐LEARN HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN
SOME ‐‐ IF GOD FORBID SOMEONE
WERE TO GET SICK IN THE
AUDIENCE, I COULD LOOK LIKE I
WAS HELPING THEM, YOU'D BE
AMAZED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WANT ME
PUTTING OUT A FIRE.
>> Jimmy: I SEE.
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PERFORM
CPR OR ANY OF THOSE THINGS?
>> LOOK, I COULD PROBABLY DO
CPR.
ACTUALLY, YOU DO KNOW A TON.
IT'S SURPRISING, THE LEVEL OF
KNOWLEDGE.
IT DOES HELP IN LIFE IF YOU EVER
RUN UP AGAINST THAT STUFF.
LIKE THAT THAT'S A FAKE FIGHT.
I DIDN'T HIT HIM.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> SO MY BIGGEST FEAR IS, I EVER
GET IN A FIGHT, I'M GOING TO
PURPOSELY MISS EVERYBODY BY
THREE INCHES AND GET KILLED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOUR SON, JOHNNY, A
WRITER ON THE SHOW?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YOUR BROTHER, CHAD,
DIRECTS SOME OF THE EPISODES?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: HOW DOES THAT ‐‐ HE'S
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER, DO YOU TAKE
DIRECTION FROM YOUR LITTLE
BROTHER?
>> HE KNOWS ENOUGH TO APPROACH
ME CORRECTLY.
>> Jimmy: I SEE, OKAY.
YOU COULD ALMOST PUNCH HIM.
>> I'D PUNCH HIM, IT'S REALLY
PUNCH HIM.
BUT IT IS KIND OF LIKE ‐‐ I
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT AS AN
8‐YEAR‐OLD IN OHIO, WANTING TO
BE AN ACTOR, WANTING TO COME OUT
HERE THAT THERE WOULD COME A DAY
WHERE I'D BE, YOU KNOW, THE LEAD
ON THE SHOW DIRECTED BY MY
BROTHER, WRITTEN BY MY SON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S CRAZY,
RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF, THIS IS
WEEK'S "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.
YOU WERE ON THE COVER OF
"PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"HOW I SURVIVED HOLLYWOOD."
I FEEL IT'S TOO SOON TO MAKE
THAT DECLARATION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MIGHT NOT SURVIVE THIS
INTERVIEW.
IT COULD END AT ANY MOMENT, I'M
WELL AWARE.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS YOUR MOST
RECENT MAJOR MAGAZINE COVER.
THIS I BELIEVE TO BE, AND
CORECT ME IF I'M WRONG, YOUR
FIRST MAGAZINE COVER.
THIS IS FROM 1983, "INTERVIEW"
MAGAZINE.
ANDY WARHOL WAS ONE OF THE
EDITORS.
>> IT WAS ANDY WARHOL'S
MAGAZINE.
>> Jimmy: HE OWNED THIS
MAGAZINE?
>> OWNED IT, IT WAS HIS VISION,
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU KNOW ANDY?
>> I DID.
I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO SPEND A
PRETTY SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF
TIME WITH HIM.
MY BIGGEST ANDY MEMORY WAS, WE
ALL WENT TO THAT FAMOUS DIANA
ROSS CONCERT THAT GOT RAINED
OUT.
AFTERWARDS WE KIND OF TOOK
SHELTER IN A RESTAURANT.
IT WAS ONE OF THOSE RESTAURANTS
WHERE YOU COULD DRAW ON THE
TABLES WITH CRAYONS.
THEY HAD THE ‐‐
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THE PAPER AND
THE ‐‐ YEAH.
>> ANDY WAS LIKE, I HAVE A GAME.
IT'S NOT REALLY A GREAT ANDY
WARHOL BUT YOU BELIEVED IT,
RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WE'VE NEVER HAD DINNER
WITH HIM, SEEMED PERFECT TO ME.
>> HE'S LIKE, SO LET'S ALL DRAW
IN SECRET, SO NO ONE CAN LOOK AT
WHAT WE'RE DRAWING, THE BEST
VERSION WE CAN THINK OF OF A
[ BLEEP ].
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE ‐‐ ALL RIGHT.
YOUNG.
NOW THAT'S IN MY WHEELHOUSE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU'RE LIKE,
WHICH KIND ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
HERE?
>> I DRAW LIKE A GYNECOLOGICAL
OUT OF THE "JOY OF SEX" VERSION.
I SHOW MINE.
THE OTHER PERSON SHOWS.
WE GET TO ANDY, HE REVEALS IT.
OF COURSE HE'S DRAWN A CAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: A CAT, YEAH.
>> I FEEL ASHAMED AND
EMBARRASSED.
THE THING WAS, I WAS TOO YOUNG
AND WASN'T BOLD ENOUGH.
I WANTED TO TAKE ‐‐ WE SIGNED
IT.
HE SAID, NOW YOU HAVE TO SIGN IT
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ARTISTS DO.
AND SIGNED "ANDY WARHOL" WAS
SITTING ON THAT TABLE.
AND I WAS TOO YOUNG ASK SCARED
AND NAIVE TO TAKE IT.
>> DO YOU THINK THE BUS BOY GOT
IT?
>> I HEARD, AND HE TALKS ABOUT
IT IN "THE ANDY WARHOL DIARIES,"
HE TALKS ABOUT THE STORY.
I HEARD THAT IT SOLD ABOUT TEN
YEARS AGO FOR $1.5 MILLION.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
AND HOW ABOUT YOUR VAGINA?
HOW MUCH DID THAT SELL FOR?
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> ZERO.
>> Jimmy: WELL, BOY.
YOU REALLY HAVE THE BEST
STORIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TWO PODCASTS TO TELL THEM ON.
>> "LITERALLY."
AND "PARKS AND RECOLLECTION."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IF YOU LIKE "PARKS AND
RECREATION."
>> Jimmy: ALL THE STORIES FROM
THE SHOW?
>> ALL THE STORIES HOSTED BY
ALAN YANG, ONE OF THE GREAT
WRITERS.
HE AND I GO THROUGH EVERY SINGLE
EPISODE.
>> Jimmy: ALSO "911: LONE STAR"
MONDAY NIGHTS 8:00 ON FOX.
ROB LOWE, EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'LL BE BACK WITH
FRANCIA RAISA.
>> Lou: AND NOW ‐‐ THE MAN OF A
THOUSAND IMPRESSIONS!
>> I'M BOB, MAN OF A THOUSAND
IMPRESSIONS.
THIS IS NUMBER 3738.
"THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS AND
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
BZZZ, WHOO, WHOO, BZZZ, WHOO,
WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LANGUAGE.
I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH MASTER
LUKE."
THAT WAS C3PO AND R2D2 FROM
"STAR WARS."
>> Jimmy: HI, THERE.
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
MUSIC FROM JOY OLADOKUN IS ON
THE WAY.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS A STAR OF A
NEW SHOW, BASED ON AN OLD SHOW,
THAT LIVED IN THE SAME
APARTMENT.
"HOW I MET YOUR FATHER" IS
STREAMING ON HULU NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME FRANCIA RAISA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HOW'S IT GOING?
IT'S A VERY ENERGETIC WAY TO
ENTER A ROOM.
I COULD NEVER DO THAT, NOT IN A
MILLION YEARS.
>> THERE'S MUSIC PLAYING, I FIND
ANY EXCUSE TO SHAKE MY
TAILFEATHERS.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU BRING A BOOK
IN CASE YOU GOT BORED?
>> I BROUGHT A BOOK JUST FOR
YOU.
YEARS AGO I WAS HOPING TO BE ON
THIS SHOW.
I'VE HAD SO MANY STORIES THAT
HAPPENED IN MY LIFE, CRAZY
STORIES.
MY FRIEND WAS LIKE, THIS WOULD
BE A GREAT JIMMY KIMMEL STORY.
AND I SAID, OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE
RIGHT.
YEARS WERE GOING BY AND I HAD SO
MANY JIMMY KIMMEL STORIES THAT I
HAD TO START WRITING THEM DOWN
IN MY JOURNAL, SO THIS IS MY
JIMMY JOURNAL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S GOT MY NAME ON
IT, CAN I LOOK AT IT?
>> YOU CAN LOOK AT IT, NOT IN
IT.
>> Jimmy: IT JUST SAYS JIMMY,
DOESN'T SAY MY LAST NAME.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE
DIAGNOSE TO REJECT ME.
THIS HAPPENS IN THE INDUSTRY.
>> Jimmy: JUST IN CASE?
>> YEAH.
YOU GET USED TO IT.
IT ALWAYS HURTS.
BUT YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW IF
YOU WERE GOING TO REJECT ME.
BUT I DON'T LOOK AT THE FRONT
BECAUSE I'VE WRITTEN SO MUCH.
THEN I OPENED IT, AND I DID
WRITE YOUR NAME ON IT.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID?
HOW ABOUT THAT.
>> LOOK AT THE POWER OF THIS.
>> Jimmy: SO STRANGE, I FEEL
LIKE I'M A PART OF YOUR LIFE.
>> YOU ARE PART OF MY LIFE.
>> Jimmy: WHAT WIND OF STORY
WILL WE FIND IN THIS JOURNAL
WITH MY NAME ON IT?
>> IN THE BEGINNING I WROTE A
STORY, THE TIME I ENDED UP
TOPLESS IN A HOT TUB WITH TARA
BANKS.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S DEFINITELY A
JIMMY STORY, GO AHEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TYRA AND I WERE DOING A MOVIE
"LIFE SIZE 2" IN 2018.
SHE WAS WANTING TO BOND, PLAYING
BFFs, SHE WAS LIKE WHY DON'T WE
GO TO THE SPA?
GREAT.
SHE GOES, YOU HAVE A CAR, WHY
DON'T YOU PICK ME UP.
CAN YOU IMAGINE DRIVING A
SUPERMODEL IN YOUR CAR?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, NO.
>> IN THAT THE THAT, WHERE I
DIDN'T KNOW THESE STREETS AT
ALL.
>> Jimmy: WHAT KIND OF CAR DID
YOU HAVE?
>> A RENTAL, A SEDAN.
I DRIVE AN SUV.
SO A TOYOTA CAMRY?
I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW THIS
CAR, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M
GOING.
I WAS LIKE, YEAH, I'LL PICK YOU
UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO BIG DEAL.
>> Jimmy: MAYBE SHE WAS OFF THE
BAT TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE
NATURE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WOULD BE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
PICKS HER UP, ET CETERA.
>> ET CETERA.
WELL, THEN LET'S MAYBE SHE DID
THIS ON PURPOSE.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS I PICKED HER
UP.
I'M DRIVING 10 AND 2, EYE ON THE
ROAD.
THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER
DRIVEN 10 AND 2.
WE GET TO THE SPA, SHE WANTED TO
SHOW UP AN HOUR EARLY SO WE CAN
GO IN THE HOT TUB.
WE GET TO THE LOCKERS AND SHE
GOES, [ BLEEP ], I FORGOT MY
BATHING SUIT!
I HAVE MINE IN MY HAND, OH MY
GOD, I CAN'T PRETEND I FORGOT IT
TOO, SHE'S LOOKING AT ME.
DO I LET THIS SUPERMODEL GO IN
THE HOT TUB BUTT NAKED, OR JOIN
HER?
I WANTED TO OFFER TO GO IN NAKED
BUT THAT WAS WEIRD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"DO YOU WANT ME TO GO IN THERE
NAKED WITH YOU?"
BUT IF YOU'RE IN THERE, I'M
NAKED, WISH I WASN'T THE ONLY
ONE HERE.
SO I WENT HALFSIES, I WENT
TOPLESS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S GOOD TO
COMPROMISE.
>> I LOVE A COMPROMISE.
>> Jimmy: IT'S THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE MET?
>> FIRST TIME.
>> Jimmy: TYRA BANKS IS A
RIDICULOUSLY, SPECTACULARLY
BEAUTIFUL SUPERMODEL.
>> AND SHE'S NAKED WHERE YOU ARE
AND I AM.
>> Jimmy: ARE PEOPLE GOING WILD?
OR IS THERE ANY REACTION FROM
THE SPA?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE WAS A
GOD OR SOMETHING.
WE WERE THE ONLY ONES IN THERE
IN THE HOT TUB AT THE MOMENT.
AND SO NO ONE ELSE NOTICED.
BUT I'M SITTING HERE LIKE,
YOU'RE BUTT NAKED IN FRONT OF
ME.
SHE WAS LIKE, OH, OUR MASSAGES
OKAY, DO I GO FIRST? TO GET OUT.‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW DO WE DO IT?
SHE WENT FIRST.
>> Jimmy: SHE WENT FIRST, THAT'S
PROPER, THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED
TO GO.
>> AND I LOOKED THAT WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KIND OF BEING RESPECTFUL.
STORIES LIKE THAT ARE IN MY
BOOK.
>> Jimmy: SHE SEEMS LIKE SHE WAS
RELAXED.
YOU WENT AND GOT A COUPLES
MASSAGE?
>> WE GOT SEPARATE MASSAGES.
THEN WE TOOK A NAP AFTER,
TOGETHER.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, SEPARATE CHAIRS.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOOK A NAP
TOGETHER?
>> IT WAS HER IDEA.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S THE WEIRDEST
PART OF THE STORY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU'RE TIRED AFTER A MASSAGE,
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT IS A NAP.
BEFORE I DROVE BACK, A NAP.
>> Jimmy: I'M INTERESTED IN YOUR
DAD.
YOUR DAD, FOR THOSE WHO DON'T
KNOW, PROBABLY MOST PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW, WAS A RADIO DEEJAY.
STILL WORKING AS A DEEJAY?
>> IN MEXICO.
>> Jimmy: EL CUCUHE IS THE NAME.
I REMEMBER SEEING SIGNS AND
BILLBOARDS TO EVERYTHING FOR
HIM ‐‐ THERE HE IS, THAT'S YOUR
FATHER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: EL CUCUY MEANS
BOGEYMAN.
>> THE BOGEYMAN IN THE MORNING.
THEY COULDN'T SCARE ME AS A KID.
IF YOU DON'T GO TO SLEEP, EL
CUCUY IS GOING TO GET YOU.
I WAS LIKE, DADDY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT WAS IT LIKE BEING
RAISED BY THE BOGEYMAN?
>> MY DAD WAS RAUNCHY ON HIS
SHOW.
HE WOULDN'T EXPLAIN IT TO US.
HE'D TALK ABOUT SEX, MY MOM AND
HIM WOULD HAVE BITS WITH EACH
OTHER, CALLING EACH OTHER ‐‐
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
WHICH YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: I DO, ACTUALLY, I KNOW
ALL THE CURSE WORDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEY DIDN'T TELL ME THEY WERE
CURSE WORDS, THEY DIDN'T EXPLAIN
SEX TO ME.
THERE WAS ONE TIME WHERE I WAS
AT SCHOOL.
THERE WAS A CONDOM, A WRAPPED
CONDOM, IN THE BIG YARD.
EVERYONE'S LIKE, OH MY GOD, A
CONDOM!
AND I WAS LIKE, YEAH, A CONDOM,
COOL, COOL.
I'M BILINGUAL, I GREW UP IN THE
ONLY SPANISH HOME THEY DIDN'T
TEACH ME THIS STUFF.
I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT OPENED IT.
OH THIS LOOKS LIKE THE BALLOON
ANIMALS THAT CLOWNS USE!
SO I BLEW IT UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, YOU DID, YEAH.
EVERYONE LAUGHED?
>> AND I WAS LIKE, WHY IS THIS
SLIMY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NEVER A GOOD QUESTION,
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO THAT'S YOUR DAD.
>> THAT'S MY DAD.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S PRETTY CRAZY.
YOUR DAD GOT UP AT 3:00 IN THE
MORNING AND WENT INTO WORK?
>> YEAH, 5:00 A. M.
I NEVER SAW HIM BECAUSE OF THAT.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU LISTEN TO HIM
EVER?
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO, HE WAS
TALKING ABOUT SO MANY WEIRD,
NASTY THINGS.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH.
>> HE DID MAKE ME GO TO THE
RADIO STATION WITH HIM
SATURDAYS.
>> Jimmy: HE HAD TO WORK
SATURDAYS?
>> MONDAY THROUGH SATURDAY.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A NIGHTMARE.
>> YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A DEEJAY
NIGHTMARE, A SATURDAY SHIFT.
YOU WOULD GO IN THERE ‐‐
>> IT WAS A NIGHTMARE WHEN I HAD
DID GO IN.
SCHOOL MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY,
THEN DAD'S MAKING ME GO TO
SCHOOL ‐‐ NOT SCHOOL, TO WORK,
ON SATURDAYS, AND HE HAD ME BE
PART OF THE PROGRAM.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S GOT TO BE FUN,
RIGHT?
>> IT WAS UNTIL I GOT YELLED AT
BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO SOMETHING
RIGHT.
I WANT TO BE SLEEPING WATCHING
"RUG RATS!"
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO BE TOPLESS
IN A SPA WITH TYRA BANKS, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
>> I WANT TO BE ON A COUCH WITH
JIMMY KIMMEL, THAT'S NOT PART OF
MY JIMMY JOURNAL!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: "HOW I MET YOUR
FATHER," NOBODY KNEW WHAT THE
CONNECTION TO "HOW I MET YOUR
MOTHER" WAS, RIGHT?
IT'S SET IN THE SAME APARTMENT.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: IS THAT IT? pTHE EXTEN?
>> WE DROP A FEW EASTER EGGS
THROUGHOUT THE SERIES.
I MEAN, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT
TO KNOW IT IS ITS OWN SHOW.
IT HAS THE SPIRIT OF THE
ORIGINAL.
BUT IT STILL FEELS ORIGINAL.
IT'S ALL ORIGINAL CHARACTERS.
BUT THE APARTMENT I GUESS WOULD
BE LIKE THE REBOOT.
THEN THERE'S THE SWORDS.
SO WE'RE IN THERE.
THERE'S A FEW OTHER ‐‐ I CAN'T
SAY STUFF THAT HAPPENS.
>> Jimmy: HILARY DUFF IS YOUR
COSTAR?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: HAD YOU MET HER
BEFORE?
>> I DID.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID?
>> TEN YEARS AGO I MET HILARY AT
HER MOM'S HOW WAS.
SHE WAS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT
WITH HER FIRST.
I GET EXCITED WHEN I LEARN NEW
THINGS AND I HAD JUST LEARNED
WHAT A MUCOUS BUG WAS.
FIRST THING ASKED HER, HAVE YOU
LOST YOUR MUCOUS BUG YET?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A HELL OF AN
OPENER.
>> YEAH, IT WAS.
>> Jimmy: PROBABLY GOT THAT FROM
EL CUCUY, I WOULD THINK.
>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, MY
DAD DIDN'T TEACH ME BOUNDARIES.
TEN YEARS LATER, AUDITIONING FOR
THIS, I WAS LIKE, DO YOU
REMEMBER ME?
SHE WAS LIKE, YES, I DO.
I WAS LIKE, COOL, DO YOU WANT TO
GO TO THE SPA AND BOND?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: NOT A BAD IDEA.
ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SHOW,
"HOW I MET YOUR FATHER."
IT'S ON HULU RIGHT NOW.
BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOY OLADOKUN!
>> THE JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE CONCERT
SERIES IS PRESENTED BY
MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>>> THE JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY
MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: THANKS TO ROB
LOWE AND FRANCIA RAISA.
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
WE RAN OUT OF TIME FOR HIM.
TOMORROW NIGHT, RACHEL BROSNAHAN
AND ERIC ANDRE WITH MUSIC FROM
DAMON ALBARN.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.
BUT FIRST, HER ALBUM IS CALLED
"IN DEFENSE OF MY OWN HAPPINESS"
WITH THE SONG "I SEE AMERICA,"
JOY OLADOKUN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
♪ I SAW GOD OUT
ON THE BLOCK TODAY ♪
♪ HE WAS DARKER THAN
THE PREACHERS SAY ♪
♪ WITH A TEARDROP
TATTOOED ON HIS FACE
AND DIRT ON HIS FINGERS ♪
♪ I HEARD ANGELS
WHEN HE LAUGHED THE WAY ♪
♪ THAT PEOPLE DO WHEN
THEY HAVE KNOWN TRUE PAIN ♪
♪ FOR HIS SINS I DON'T KNOW
WHO'S TO BLAME ♪
♪ WHAT CHOICE WAS HE GIVEN
IN THIS WORLD
THAT WE'RE LIVING ♪
♪ WHEN I SEE YOU
I SEE LOVE
I SEE AMERICA ♪
♪ I FEEL YOUR PAIN
I SHARE YOUR BLOOD
I SEE AMERICA ♪
♪
♪ SAID YOUR MOTHER KNOWS
A DIFFERENT TIME ♪
♪ SHE LETS HER TONGUE SLIP
WITH A GLASS OF WINE ♪
♪ AND SAYS SOME THINGS
OUT LOUD THAT
DON'T FEEL RIGHT ♪
♪ AND YOU ALWAYS
FORGIVE HER ♪
♪ BUT DON'T YOU SEE
THE WORLD IS CHANGING NOW ♪
♪ THE BLOOD OF THE FALLEN
CRIES OUT FROM THE GROUND ♪
♪ VIOLENCE AND RUMORS
IN A SOUTHERN TOWN ♪
♪ BOTH START WITH A WHISPER
BUT SO DOES THE DIFFERENCE ♪
♪ WHEN I SEE YOU
I SEE LOVE
I SEE AMERICA ♪
♪ I FEEL YOUR PAIN
I SHARE YOUR BLOOD
I SEE AMERICA ♪
♪ WHEN I SEE YOU I SEE LOVE I
SEE AMERICA ♪
♪ I FEEL YOUR PAIN I SHARE YOUR
BLOOD I SEE AMERICA ♪
♪ WHEN I SEE YOU I SEE LOVE I
SEE AMERICA ♪
♪ I FEEL YOUR PAIN
I SHARE YOUR BLOOD
I SEE AMERICA ♪