1 00:00:00,176 --> 00:00:01,478 >> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S 2 00:00:01,478 --> 00:00:03,647 "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!" 3 00:00:03,647 --> 00:00:04,314 TONIGHT ‐‐ 4 00:00:04,314 --> 00:00:08,251 GWYNETH PALTROW, KAL PENN, AND 5 00:00:08,251 --> 00:00:11,388 MUSIC FROM HARDY. 6 00:00:11,388 --> 00:00:14,190 AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL! 7 00:00:14,190 --> 00:00:20,764 [ APPLAUSE ] 8 00:00:20,764 --> 00:00:22,198 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 9 00:00:22,198 --> 00:00:29,506 THAT'S GREAT. 10 00:00:29,506 --> 00:00:33,209 THANK YOU FOR WATCHING. 11 00:00:33,209 --> 00:00:35,679 I'M JIMMY. 12 00:00:35,679 --> 00:00:37,981 I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW. 13 00:00:37,981 --> 00:00:43,019 WE HAVE ALMOST A WHOLE AUDIENCE! 14 00:00:43,019 --> 00:00:46,022 WE HAVE BEEN BUMPED UP FROM 15 00:00:46,022 --> 00:00:50,927 50 TO 75% CAPACITY. 16 00:00:50,927 --> 00:00:51,695 [ APPLAUSE ] 17 00:00:51,695 --> 00:00:54,731 I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT ALL 18 00:00:54,731 --> 00:00:55,599 125 MEMBERS OF OUR STUDIO 19 00:00:55,599 --> 00:00:56,499 AUDIENCE ARE TESTED, VACCINATED 20 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:56,967 AND SEXUALLY AROUSED. 21 00:00:56,967 --> 00:01:04,307 IS THAT THE CASE? 22 00:01:04,307 --> 00:01:07,010 I LOVE THAT YOU HAD AN EXTRA 23 00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:08,778 HOUR OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT, 24 00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:09,112 THEORETICALLY. 25 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,680 DID YOU GET AN EXTRA HOUR? 26 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:11,514 >> YEAH, EVERYBODY DID. 27 00:01:11,514 --> 00:01:15,652 >> Jimmy: NOT ME. 28 00:01:15,652 --> 00:01:16,286 I DID NOT ENJOY AN EXTRA HOUR OF 29 00:01:16,286 --> 00:01:17,454 SLEEP BECAUSE I HAVE A 30 00:01:17,454 --> 00:01:18,088 FOUR‐YEAR‐OLD MANIAC LIVING IN 31 00:01:18,088 --> 00:01:19,522 MY HOUSE. 32 00:01:19,522 --> 00:01:21,391 THIS WAS MY CLOCK THIS MORNING. 33 00:01:21,391 --> 00:01:22,025 WHEN MY SON BILLY WALKED IN AND 34 00:01:22,025 --> 00:01:23,126 TAPPED ME ON THE HEAD TO MAKE 35 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:23,693 HIM FRENCH TOAST, I KNEW HE 36 00:01:23,693 --> 00:01:24,160 WASN'T GOING TO EAT. 37 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:28,298 5:59 AM. 38 00:01:28,298 --> 00:01:29,132 THAT'S AS BLURRY AS MY VISION 39 00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:29,299 WAS. 40 00:01:29,299 --> 00:01:29,699 AND WHY? 41 00:01:29,699 --> 00:01:33,503 WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES? 42 00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:34,704 DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS 43 00:01:34,704 --> 00:01:35,939 SOMETHING BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, WHO 44 00:01:35,939 --> 00:01:37,507 HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 230 YEARS, 45 00:01:37,507 --> 00:01:39,676 CAME UP WITH AS A JOKE! 46 00:01:39,676 --> 00:01:41,478 AND IT'S STILL SCREWING WITH US. 47 00:01:41,478 --> 00:01:43,213 FOR NO REASON. 48 00:01:43,213 --> 00:01:44,247 WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT 49 00:01:44,247 --> 00:01:45,448 CONSERVING WHALE BLUBBER FOR OUR 50 00:01:45,448 --> 00:01:46,249 LAMPS ANYMORE. 51 00:01:46,249 --> 00:01:48,652 HERE IN CALIFORNIA, WE VOTED TO 52 00:01:48,652 --> 00:01:49,185 END THIS THREE YEARS AGO. 53 00:01:49,185 --> 00:01:53,456 WE PASSED PROPOSITION SEVEN, 54 00:01:53,456 --> 00:01:56,359 WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE OUR 55 00:01:56,359 --> 00:01:57,494 LOCAL AUTHORITIES THE AUTHORITY 56 00:01:57,494 --> 00:02:00,263 TO END DAYLIGHT SAVING IN 2018. 57 00:02:00,263 --> 00:02:00,897 IT GOT 60% OF THE VOTE, AND YET, 58 00:02:00,897 --> 00:02:01,531 HERE WE ARE IN THE DARK AGAIN AT 59 00:02:01,531 --> 00:02:01,865 FIVE O'CLOCK. 60 00:02:01,865 --> 00:02:03,266 GOING AROUND THE HOUSE, 61 00:02:03,266 --> 00:02:03,800 RESETTING ALL THE CLOCKS. 62 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,637 ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 63 00:02:07,637 --> 00:02:08,238 I GOT UP BEFORE 6:00 THIS 64 00:02:08,238 --> 00:02:08,471 MORNING. 65 00:02:08,471 --> 00:02:09,072 KIDS DON'T KNOW IT'S DAYLIGHT 66 00:02:09,072 --> 00:02:13,510 SAVING TIME. 67 00:02:13,510 --> 00:02:14,277 I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT TO MY 68 00:02:14,277 --> 00:02:14,844 SEVEN‐YEAR‐OLD YESTERDAY, I 69 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:15,912 FINALLY JUST GAVE UP. 70 00:02:15,912 --> 00:02:18,982 I WAS LIKE "JUST GO TO BED." 71 00:02:18,982 --> 00:02:20,784 I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. 72 00:02:20,784 --> 00:02:21,451 BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW WHO IS IN 73 00:02:21,451 --> 00:02:23,586 CHARGE OF DAYLIGHT SAVING? 74 00:02:23,586 --> 00:02:24,220 THE SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION. 75 00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:25,088 PETE BUTTIGIEG. 76 00:02:25,088 --> 00:02:26,990 MAYOR PETE. 77 00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:29,392 THE LAST TIME PETE WAS ON THE 78 00:02:29,392 --> 00:02:30,026 SHOW, I ASKED HIM TO END THIS, 79 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:30,627 AND HE SAID HE'D SEE WHAT HE 80 00:02:30,627 --> 00:02:30,994 COULD DO. 81 00:02:30,994 --> 00:02:33,496 YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? 82 00:02:33,496 --> 00:02:37,434 HE DID NOTHING. 83 00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:37,901 HE DID NOTHING AT ALL. 84 00:02:37,901 --> 00:02:40,704 BUT NOW I'M HOPEFUL BECAUSE PETE 85 00:02:40,704 --> 00:02:41,504 BUTTIGIEG HAS 2‐MONTH‐OLD TWINS 86 00:02:41,504 --> 00:02:42,272 NOW. 87 00:02:42,272 --> 00:02:42,906 NOW, MAYBE HE'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT 88 00:02:42,906 --> 00:02:45,408 A NIGHTMARE THIS IS. 89 00:02:45,408 --> 00:02:45,942 SAVE US PENELOPE AND GUS! 90 00:02:45,942 --> 00:02:48,311 THOSE ARE THE BABIES' NAMES. 91 00:02:48,311 --> 00:02:50,647 EVEN HISTORY'S WORST MAN, DONALD 92 00:02:50,647 --> 00:02:51,648 J.O. TRUMP, SUPPORTS NOT 93 00:02:51,648 --> 00:02:53,450 SUPPORTING IT. 94 00:02:53,450 --> 00:02:57,454 "MAKING DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME 95 00:02:57,454 --> 00:02:59,022 PERMANENT IS OK WITH ME!" 96 00:02:59,022 --> 00:02:59,656 THIS IS BACK WHEN HE WAS ALLOWED 97 00:02:59,656 --> 00:03:01,458 TO. 98 00:03:01,458 --> 00:03:02,025 THIS IS A BIPARTISAN ISSUE. 99 00:03:02,025 --> 00:03:05,428 LET'S GET A HASHTAG GOING TO 100 00:03:05,428 --> 00:03:05,995 ENCOURAGE OUR SECRETARY OF 101 00:03:05,995 --> 00:03:09,499 TRANSPORTATION TO MOVE ON THIS. 102 00:03:09,499 --> 00:03:11,835 SO WE DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH 103 00:03:11,835 --> 00:03:13,503 IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. 104 00:03:13,503 --> 00:03:15,305 #GIVEDAYLIGHTSAVINGTHEBUTTIGIEG 105 00:03:15,305 --> 00:03:15,772 GOOD LUCK SPELLING IT. 106 00:03:15,772 --> 00:03:16,940 FORGET IT. 107 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:17,574 THE PICKLEBALL IS IN YOUR COURT, 108 00:03:17,574 --> 00:03:20,176 PETE. 109 00:03:20,176 --> 00:03:20,810 GET THIS DONE, YOU'LL BE CARRIED 110 00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:21,444 THROUGH THE STREETS OF 111 00:03:21,444 --> 00:03:22,746 WASHINGTON ON THE EXHAUSTED YET 112 00:03:22,746 --> 00:03:25,448 THANKFUL SHOULDERS OF THIS 113 00:03:25,448 --> 00:03:25,849 NATION'S PARENTS. 114 00:03:25,849 --> 00:03:26,349 PLEASE, GET THIS DONE. 115 00:03:26,349 --> 00:03:33,456 THANK YOU. 116 00:03:33,456 --> 00:03:33,957 I'VE HAD ENOUGH. 117 00:03:33,957 --> 00:03:36,993 WELL, IT ONLY TOOK ABOUT THREE 118 00:03:36,993 --> 00:03:37,494 WEEKS, BUT OUR CRAZY 119 00:03:37,494 --> 00:03:39,696 EX‐PRESIDENT FINALLY WEIGHED IN 120 00:03:39,696 --> 00:03:41,498 ON THE TRAGIC ON‐SET SHOOTING 121 00:03:41,498 --> 00:03:43,933 INVOLVING ALEC BALDWIN. 122 00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:44,501 MAR‐A‐LARDO WENT ON A LOCAL 123 00:03:44,501 --> 00:03:47,137 RADIO TALK SHOW HOST'S PODCAST 124 00:03:47,137 --> 00:03:49,506 TO SUGGEST THAT BALDWIN MAY HAVE 125 00:03:49,506 --> 00:03:50,974 LOADED THE GUN HIMSELF. 126 00:03:50,974 --> 00:03:54,177 >> MAYBE HE LOADED IT. 127 00:03:54,177 --> 00:03:57,313 REMEMBER THIS, WHO WOULD PUT A 128 00:03:57,313 --> 00:03:59,816 GUN ‐‐ HERE, ALEC, HERE'S A GUN. 129 00:03:59,816 --> 00:04:00,216 OH, GOOD. 130 00:04:00,216 --> 00:04:03,653 LIFT IT UP, POINT IT AT A 131 00:04:03,653 --> 00:04:04,888 PERSON, AND PULL THE TRIGGER. 132 00:04:04,888 --> 00:04:07,690 AND OH, MAN, A BULLET CAME OUT, 133 00:04:07,690 --> 00:04:08,591 SHE'S DEAD. 134 00:04:08,591 --> 00:04:09,659 SO THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH 135 00:04:09,659 --> 00:04:10,059 HIM. 136 00:04:10,059 --> 00:04:13,296 HE'S A SICK GUY. 137 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:13,930 I'VE SEEN HIM FOR YEARS, BECAUSE 138 00:04:13,930 --> 00:04:17,500 HE DID, I THOUGHT, A POOR JOB OF 139 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:19,035 IMITATING ME. 140 00:04:19,035 --> 00:04:21,037 DARRELL HAMMOND DID A GREAT JOB. 141 00:04:21,037 --> 00:04:21,671 >> Jimmy: HE STARTED AT MURDER 142 00:04:21,671 --> 00:04:22,238 AND SOMEHOW WORKED HIS WAY 143 00:04:22,238 --> 00:04:24,407 AROUND TO DARRELL HAMMOND. 144 00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:25,008 AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW A 145 00:04:25,008 --> 00:04:25,508 FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE 146 00:04:25,508 --> 00:04:27,677 UNITED STATES COULD SAY 147 00:04:27,677 --> 00:04:29,479 SOMETHING SO RECKLESS, 148 00:04:29,479 --> 00:04:30,280 INSENSITIVE, AND WRONG, I'M JUST 149 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,449 SURPRISED IT TOOK HIM THIS LONG. 150 00:04:33,449 --> 00:04:34,751 I'M ALMOST PROUD OF HIM FOR 151 00:04:34,751 --> 00:04:35,285 HOLDING OUT THREE WEEKS. 152 00:04:35,285 --> 00:04:37,453 AND THEN, OF COURSE, HE TRIED TO 153 00:04:37,453 --> 00:04:38,688 CLAIM THAT IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL 154 00:04:38,688 --> 00:04:41,457 FOR HIM. 155 00:04:41,457 --> 00:04:43,893 >> I DON'T LIKE HIM OR DISLIKE 156 00:04:43,893 --> 00:04:44,093 IM. 157 00:04:44,093 --> 00:04:45,495 I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HIM. 158 00:04:45,495 --> 00:04:48,998 BUT I'VE WATCHED HIM OVER THE 159 00:04:48,998 --> 00:04:51,067 YEARS, BECAUSE HE DID SO MUCH 160 00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:52,468 FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 161 00:04:52,468 --> 00:04:57,006 BUT HE'S A NUTJOB, A CUCKOO 162 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:57,373 BIRD. 163 00:04:57,373 --> 00:04:58,308 USUALLY WHEN THERE'S SOMEBODY 164 00:04:58,308 --> 00:05:00,443 LIKE THAT, IN MY OPINION, HE HAD 165 00:05:00,443 --> 00:05:01,644 SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT. 166 00:05:01,644 --> 00:05:02,512 >> Jimmy: IN YOUR OPINION? 167 00:05:02,512 --> 00:05:03,112 WHY DO YOU HAVE A OPINION ON 168 00:05:03,112 --> 00:05:03,680 THIS SUBJECT? 169 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,481 OH, HE HATES BEING MADE FUN OF 170 00:05:05,481 --> 00:05:07,851 SO MUCH. 171 00:05:07,851 --> 00:05:08,418 HE'LL JUST ACCUSE ANYONE OF 172 00:05:08,418 --> 00:05:08,685 ANYTHING. 173 00:05:08,685 --> 00:05:09,452 THIS HAS GOT TO BE A TOUGH ONE 174 00:05:09,452 --> 00:05:12,856 FOR ALEC'S BROTHER, STEPHEN. 175 00:05:12,856 --> 00:05:13,423 THIS GUY YOU LOVE SO MUCH, 176 00:05:13,423 --> 00:05:14,057 DONALD TRUMP, CALLS YOUR BROTHER 177 00:05:14,057 --> 00:05:15,458 A MURDERER. 178 00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:15,825 WHAT DO YOU DO? 179 00:05:15,825 --> 00:05:18,795 WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? 180 00:05:18,795 --> 00:05:19,429 DONALD TRUMP'S DAYS ARE SO WEIRD 181 00:05:19,429 --> 00:05:21,497 NOW. 182 00:05:21,497 --> 00:05:24,100 IT'S BASICALLY WAKE UP, PLAY 183 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:24,701 GOLF, SAY SOMETHING RACIST TO 184 00:05:24,701 --> 00:05:25,802 THE HOUSEKEEPER, CASUALLY ACCUSE 185 00:05:25,802 --> 00:05:29,005 SOMEONE YOU DON'T LIKE OF A 186 00:05:29,005 --> 00:05:30,840 CRIME, THEN BACK TO BED TO RUB 187 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:37,447 ONE OUT TO OAN. 188 00:05:37,447 --> 00:05:39,682 SPEAKING OF BLOWHARDS PICKING 189 00:05:39,682 --> 00:05:41,017 FIGHTS, HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING 190 00:05:41,017 --> 00:05:41,551 THE TWITTER FEUD BETWEEN 191 00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:45,455 TED CRUZ AND BIG BIRD? 192 00:05:45,455 --> 00:05:46,289 AFTER THE FDA APPROVED THE COVID 193 00:05:46,289 --> 00:05:47,724 VACCINE FOR CHILDREN AGED FIVE 194 00:05:47,724 --> 00:05:49,459 TO ELEVEN, BIG BIRD TWEETED, "I 195 00:05:49,459 --> 00:05:53,029 GOT THE COVID‐19 VACCINE TODAY! 196 00:05:53,029 --> 00:05:53,696 BIG BIRD IS LIKE A 6‐YEAR‐OLD. 197 00:05:53,696 --> 00:05:56,299 MY WING IS FEELING A LITTLE 198 00:05:56,299 --> 00:05:57,267 SORE, BUT IT'LL GIVE MY BODY AN 199 00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:57,834 EXTRA PROTECTIVE BOOST THAT 200 00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:00,570 KEEPS ME AND OTHERS HEALTHY." 201 00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:01,170 AND TED CRUZ, WHO DESPERATELY 202 00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:03,706 WANTS TO BE NOTICED, LASHED OUT. 203 00:06:03,706 --> 00:06:07,844 "GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA FOR YOUR 204 00:06:07,844 --> 00:06:08,378 5‐YEAR‐OLD." 205 00:06:08,378 --> 00:06:08,878 THIS IS HOW THEY THINK. 206 00:06:08,878 --> 00:06:09,512 IF THE GOVERNMENT SAYS IT, IT'S 207 00:06:09,512 --> 00:06:09,812 PROPAGANDA. 208 00:06:09,812 --> 00:06:10,346 IF CONGRESS DOES IT, IT'S 209 00:06:10,346 --> 00:06:12,215 SOCIALISM. 210 00:06:12,215 --> 00:06:13,449 IF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH DOES IT, 211 00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:14,350 IT'S FASCISM. 212 00:06:14,350 --> 00:06:15,685 IF THE PRESIDENT SAYS IT, HE'S A 213 00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:16,619 DICTATOR. 214 00:06:16,619 --> 00:06:17,453 AND IF THE MEDIA SAYS IT, IT'S 215 00:06:17,453 --> 00:06:19,555 FAKE NEWS. 216 00:06:19,555 --> 00:06:21,224 THE ELECTIONS ARE RIGGED, THE 217 00:06:21,224 --> 00:06:21,858 DEEP STATE RUNS THE WORLD, AND 218 00:06:21,858 --> 00:06:23,893 BIG BIRD IS WORKING FOR MERCK. 219 00:06:23,893 --> 00:06:27,697 AND IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE NOT 220 00:06:27,697 --> 00:06:29,499 ONLY IS TED CRUZ VACCINATED, HE 221 00:06:29,499 --> 00:06:32,168 WAS BORN WITH AN IMMUNITY THAT 222 00:06:32,168 --> 00:06:32,769 PROTECTS HIM FROM CONTRACTING 223 00:06:32,769 --> 00:06:39,709 ANY FRIENDS. 224 00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:42,545 BUT THE TRUTH IS I THINK MAYBE 225 00:06:42,545 --> 00:06:44,047 TED IS STILL SORE ABOUT 226 00:06:44,047 --> 00:06:44,614 BIG BIRD'S MOST RECENT BOOK. 227 00:06:44,614 --> 00:06:48,251 "BIG BIRD VISITS CANCUN TO FIND 228 00:06:48,251 --> 00:06:48,718 TED CRUZ'S BALLS." 229 00:06:48,718 --> 00:06:49,319 SPOILER ALERT: HE DIDN'T FIND 230 00:06:49,319 --> 00:06:56,526 THEM. 231 00:06:56,526 --> 00:06:59,629 NEWSMAX ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE 232 00:06:59,629 --> 00:07:00,530 REQUIRING THEIR EMPLOYEES TO GET 233 00:07:00,530 --> 00:07:01,497 THE VACCINE. 234 00:07:01,497 --> 00:07:01,965 WHICH IS SURPRISING. 235 00:07:01,965 --> 00:07:02,665 THIS WOULD BE LIKE ARBY'S MAKING 236 00:07:02,665 --> 00:07:03,700 THEIR STAFF GO VEGAN. 237 00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:05,501 TODAY IS THE DEADLINE FOR 238 00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:06,836 FEDERAL WORKERS TO BE FULLY 239 00:07:06,836 --> 00:07:08,938 VACCINATED, AND THOUSANDS OF 240 00:07:08,938 --> 00:07:09,505 THEM ARE CLAIMING RELIGIOUS 241 00:07:09,505 --> 00:07:10,139 EXEMPTIONS TO TRY TO GET OUT OF 242 00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:10,807 IT. 243 00:07:10,807 --> 00:07:12,175 A RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION IS 244 00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:13,509 BASICALLY ASKING GOD TO WRITE 245 00:07:13,509 --> 00:07:14,077 YOU A NOTE TO GET YOU OUT OF 246 00:07:14,077 --> 00:07:17,447 P.E. 247 00:07:17,447 --> 00:07:19,349 IT IS A FANCIFUL IDEA 248 00:07:19,349 --> 00:07:21,451 CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT EVEN 249 00:07:21,451 --> 00:07:22,051 THE POPE SUPPORTS THE VACCINE. 250 00:07:22,051 --> 00:07:23,286 IF YOU CAN PROVE YOU'RE MORE 251 00:07:23,286 --> 00:07:25,455 RELIGIOUS THAN THE POPE, THEN 252 00:07:25,455 --> 00:07:27,690 I'M OKAY WITH IT. 253 00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:29,459 THE POPE OF GREEN BAY 254 00:07:29,459 --> 00:07:31,761 QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS HAS 255 00:07:31,761 --> 00:07:33,496 BEEN PLAYING SOME VERY SPOTTY 256 00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,431 DEFENSE. 257 00:07:35,431 --> 00:07:36,766 AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, RODGERS, 258 00:07:36,766 --> 00:07:37,500 WHO IS UNVACCINATED, TESTED 259 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,669 POSITIVE FOR COVID LAST WEEK. 260 00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:40,303 EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD REPORTERS HE 261 00:07:40,303 --> 00:07:41,504 WAS IMMUNIZED MONTHS AGO. 262 00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,306 RODGERS MISSED THE GAME 263 00:07:43,306 --> 00:07:44,741 YESTERDAY. 264 00:07:44,741 --> 00:07:45,508 HE TOOK A BEATING ON SOCIAL 265 00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:46,409 MEDIA, AND SOME OF HIS SPONSORS 266 00:07:46,409 --> 00:07:49,445 ARE DROPPING HIM OR SLOWING DOWN 267 00:07:49,445 --> 00:07:51,681 ON RUNNING HIS ADS. 268 00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:52,982 A‐RODG DEFENDED HIMSELF BY 269 00:07:52,982 --> 00:07:53,616 SAYING HE TESTED NEGATIVE OVER 270 00:07:53,616 --> 00:07:55,852 300 TIMES BEFORE TESTING 271 00:07:55,852 --> 00:07:57,453 POSITIVE. 272 00:07:57,453 --> 00:07:58,087 WHICH IS THE SAME KIND OF LOGIC 273 00:07:58,087 --> 00:07:58,821 YOUR 95‐YEAR‐OLD GRANDMOTHER 274 00:07:58,821 --> 00:08:01,457 USES TO JUSTIFY KEEPING HER 275 00:08:01,457 --> 00:08:03,659 DRIVER'S LICENSE. 276 00:08:03,659 --> 00:08:04,427 THEN AARON ATTEMPTED TO EXPLAIN 277 00:08:04,427 --> 00:08:11,100 HIMSELF ON THE "PAT McAFEE 278 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,503 SHOW," A FORMER PUNTER FOR THE 279 00:08:13,503 --> 00:08:14,871 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS. 280 00:08:14,871 --> 00:08:16,906 AARON WAS ON TO FIRE BACK AT THE 281 00:08:16,906 --> 00:08:17,507 WOKE MOB. 282 00:08:17,507 --> 00:08:19,075 >> I GO BACK TO THESE TWO 283 00:08:19,075 --> 00:08:21,844 QUESTIONS FOR THE, YOU KNOW, 284 00:08:21,844 --> 00:08:24,113 THIS WOKE MOB. 285 00:08:24,113 --> 00:08:27,517 NUMBER ONE, IF THE VACCINE IS SO 286 00:08:27,517 --> 00:08:29,052 GREAT, THEN HOW COME PEOPLE ARE 287 00:08:29,052 --> 00:08:32,622 STILL GETTING COVID AND 288 00:08:32,622 --> 00:08:33,456 SPREADING COVID AND 289 00:08:33,456 --> 00:08:34,023 UNFORTUNATELY, DIEING FROM 290 00:08:34,023 --> 00:08:36,559 COVID? 291 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:37,293 >> Jimmy: RIGHT, AND IF 292 00:08:37,293 --> 00:08:37,894 PARACHUTES ARE SO GREAT, HOW 293 00:08:37,894 --> 00:08:39,695 COME ELEVEN PEOPLE DIED 294 00:08:39,695 --> 00:08:43,466 SKYDIVING LAST YEAR? 295 00:08:43,466 --> 00:08:45,735 THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, THE 296 00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:47,637 RISK OF DIEING FROM COVID IS 11 297 00:08:47,637 --> 00:08:50,206 TIMES HIGHER IF YOU AREN'T 298 00:08:50,206 --> 00:08:51,707 VACCINATED. 299 00:08:51,707 --> 00:08:52,775 THIS IS A DUMB QUESTION. 300 00:08:52,775 --> 00:08:55,478 BUT YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO HE IS 301 00:08:55,478 --> 00:09:03,519 GETTING HIS MEDICAL ADVICE FROM. 302 00:09:03,519 --> 00:09:07,256 >> I CONSULTED A GOOD FRIEND OF 303 00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:08,324 MINE, JOE ROGEN. 304 00:09:08,324 --> 00:09:09,292 >> Jimmy: THE GUY ON THE LEFT IS 305 00:09:09,292 --> 00:09:09,725 TRYING NOT TO LAUGH. 306 00:09:09,725 --> 00:09:10,359 ACCORDING TO RODGERS, ONE OF THE 307 00:09:10,359 --> 00:09:10,960 THINGS ROGAN RECOMMENDED WAS 308 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:11,961 IVERMECTIN. 309 00:09:11,961 --> 00:09:13,496 HERE'S THE THING I DON'T GET, 310 00:09:13,496 --> 00:09:15,698 YOU WON'T TAKE THE VACCINE, BUT 311 00:09:15,698 --> 00:09:16,566 YOU WILL TAKE IVERMECTIN. 312 00:09:16,566 --> 00:09:19,435 THAT YOU KNOW IS SAFE. 313 00:09:19,435 --> 00:09:19,902 "GOOD OLD IVERMECTIN!" 314 00:09:19,902 --> 00:09:21,504 "NOW THAT'S A PRODUCT I CAN 315 00:09:21,504 --> 00:09:21,938 TRUST!" 316 00:09:21,938 --> 00:09:23,573 AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE 317 00:09:23,573 --> 00:09:24,207 LOOKING FOR ADVICE FROM A FORMER 318 00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:27,710 HOST OF "THE MAN SHOW?" 319 00:09:27,710 --> 00:09:32,748 NEXT TIME, CALL ME. 320 00:09:32,748 --> 00:09:33,449 I HAVE A SECOND OPINION ON THIS. 321 00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:37,453 HOW DOES SOMEONE WHO ALMOST 322 00:09:37,453 --> 00:09:39,689 HOSTED JEOPARDY COME UP WITH 323 00:09:39,689 --> 00:09:41,791 40 INCORRECT RESPONSES IN A ROW? 324 00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:46,062 >> I WOULD, YOU KNOW, ADD THIS 325 00:09:46,062 --> 00:09:48,331 TO THE MIX, AND AS AN ASIDE. 326 00:09:48,331 --> 00:09:51,534 BUT THE GREAT MLK SAID, YOU HAVE 327 00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:56,072 A MORAL OBLIGATION TO OBJECT TO 328 00:09:56,072 --> 00:09:56,973 UNJUST RULES AND RULES THAT MAKE 329 00:09:56,973 --> 00:09:57,440 NO SENSE. 330 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,074 >> Jimmy: BUT YOU DIDN'T OBJECT. 331 00:09:58,074 --> 00:10:01,444 YOU PRETENDED YOU WERE 332 00:10:01,444 --> 00:10:05,081 VACCINATED AND SNUCK AROUND. 333 00:10:05,081 --> 00:10:05,715 ALWAYS A GOOD MOVE FOR A WHITE 334 00:10:05,715 --> 00:10:06,249 MILLIONAIRE TO HALF‐QUOTE 335 00:10:06,249 --> 00:10:07,316 DR. KING. 336 00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:09,452 RODGERS IS CLAIMING HE'S BEING 337 00:10:09,452 --> 00:10:11,354 CANCELLED, WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. 338 00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:13,456 THE PACKERS ONLY SCORED SEVEN 339 00:10:13,456 --> 00:10:14,724 POINTS WITHOUT HIM YESTERDAY. 340 00:10:14,724 --> 00:10:15,691 HE'S NOT GETTING CANCELLED. 341 00:10:15,691 --> 00:10:17,493 A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE COMPARING 342 00:10:17,493 --> 00:10:18,995 HIM TO KYRIE IRVING, AND THAT'S 343 00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:19,762 NOT FAIR. 344 00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:21,497 KYRIE IRVING IS WRONG, BUT AT 345 00:10:21,497 --> 00:10:23,766 LEAST HE'S HONEST. 346 00:10:23,766 --> 00:10:24,333 AARON RODGERS LET EVERYONE 347 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:24,834 AROUND HIM THINK HE WAS 348 00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:25,701 VACCINATED WHEN HE WASN'T. 349 00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:26,936 HE'S NOT KYRIE IRVING, HE'S 350 00:10:26,936 --> 00:10:33,509 BERNIE MADOFF. 351 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:40,149 ANYWAY, I WANTED TO GET TO THE 352 00:10:40,149 --> 00:10:42,518 BOTTOM OF THIS STORY. 353 00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:44,954 IT'S ABOUT A LOT OF PEOPLE TWO 354 00:10:44,954 --> 00:10:46,856 HAVE THIS KIND OF LINE OF 355 00:10:46,856 --> 00:10:47,990 THINKING. 356 00:10:47,990 --> 00:10:49,025 SO WE DID SOME DIGGING. 357 00:10:49,025 --> 00:10:49,559 WE ARE JOINED TONIGHT BY 358 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:51,694 AARON RODGERS' DOCTOR, 359 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:52,061 MILES BIRCHBANK. 360 00:10:52,061 --> 00:10:55,932 THANKS FOR JOINING US, DOCTOR. 361 00:10:55,932 --> 00:10:57,366 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, BUT 362 00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,303 BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, FOR 363 00:11:00,303 --> 00:11:01,504 LEGAL PURPOSES, I NEED TO TELL 364 00:11:01,504 --> 00:11:02,972 YOUR VIEWERS THAT I AM NOT 365 00:11:02,972 --> 00:11:03,706 TECHNICALLY A DOCTOR. 366 00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,508 >> Jimmy: OH. 367 00:11:05,508 --> 00:11:07,643 WHAT ARE YOU THEN? 368 00:11:07,643 --> 00:11:09,212 >> I AM A FULLY‐LICENSED 369 00:11:09,212 --> 00:11:09,845 HOMEOPATHIC ENERGY HEALER SLASH 370 00:11:09,845 --> 00:11:12,381 WELLNESS ALCHEMIST SLASH 371 00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:12,682 VIBROLOGIST. 372 00:11:12,682 --> 00:11:14,383 >> Jimmy: OKAY. 373 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:16,986 WELL, CAN YOU TELL US IF 374 00:11:16,986 --> 00:11:20,289 AARON RODGERS IS VACCINATED? 375 00:11:20,289 --> 00:11:21,457 >> YES, I CAN SAY THAT AARON IS 376 00:11:21,457 --> 00:11:22,458 FULLY ‐‐ 377 00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:23,025 VAXTERESTED. 378 00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:24,360 >> Jimmy: HE'S WHAT? 379 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,697 >> HE'S VAXTERESTED. 380 00:11:27,697 --> 00:11:28,564 IT MEANS HE'S INTERESTED IN 381 00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:31,400 VACCINATION, AND HE'S HEARD OF 382 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,034 VACCINATION, AND HE'S GIVEN 383 00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:33,502 BEING VACCINATED A GREAT DEAL OF 384 00:11:33,502 --> 00:11:35,371 THOUGHT. 385 00:11:35,371 --> 00:11:37,073 >> Jimmy: BUT HE'S NOT 386 00:11:37,073 --> 00:11:37,506 VACCINATED. 387 00:11:37,506 --> 00:11:38,407 >> OH, GOD, NO. 388 00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:39,742 BUT DON'T WORRY. 389 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:41,477 I KNOW AARON TO BE A CRITICAL 390 00:11:41,477 --> 00:11:44,280 THINKER WHO MARCHES TO THE BEAT 391 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:44,880 OF HIS OWN BONGO, AND HE DID 392 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:45,481 EVERYTHING DR. JOE AND I TOLD 393 00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:48,718 HIM TO DO. 394 00:11:48,718 --> 00:11:49,252 >> Jimmy: WHO IS DR. JOE? 395 00:11:49,252 --> 00:11:49,652 >> DR. JOE ROGAN. 396 00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:52,154 >> Jimmy: OH. 397 00:11:52,154 --> 00:11:55,291 WHAT DID YOU AND DR. JOE TELL 398 00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:56,859 HIM TO DO? 399 00:11:56,859 --> 00:11:57,460 >> WELL, I STARTED WITH A 400 00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:58,461 BASELINE MEDICINE THAT WE CAN 401 00:11:58,461 --> 00:12:01,497 ALL AGREE ON, BEE POLLEN. 402 00:12:01,497 --> 00:12:03,499 LOTS OF BEE POLLEN! 403 00:12:03,499 --> 00:12:04,100 THIS GUY WAS POUNDING SO MUCH 404 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,501 POLLEN I THOUGHT THE BEES WERE 405 00:12:05,501 --> 00:12:06,269 GONNA MAKE HIM THEIR QUEEN! 406 00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:06,869 >> Jimmy: THAT DOESN'T SOUND 407 00:12:06,869 --> 00:12:08,771 LIKE MEDICINE. 408 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,007 IT SOUNDS LIKE POLLEN. 409 00:12:11,007 --> 00:12:12,508 >> I DISAGREE, BUT FOR LEGAL 410 00:12:12,508 --> 00:12:15,678 PURPOSES, I AGREE. 411 00:12:15,678 --> 00:12:16,879 COMPLETELY. 412 00:12:16,879 --> 00:12:17,513 SO NEXT, I HAD HIM TAKING HOURLY 413 00:12:17,513 --> 00:12:20,549 SOUND BATHS. 414 00:12:20,549 --> 00:12:21,450 IF YOU THINK COVID RESPONDS WELL 415 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:22,118 TO VACCINES, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE 416 00:12:22,118 --> 00:12:24,086 HOW IT REACTS TO THE VIBRATIONS 417 00:12:24,086 --> 00:12:25,454 FROM A HAND‐CRAFTED SINGING 418 00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:33,496 BOWL. 419 00:12:33,496 --> 00:12:34,397 SEE? 420 00:12:34,397 --> 00:12:39,702 NO COVID. 421 00:12:39,702 --> 00:12:40,303 >> Jimmy: NONE OF THIS SOUNDS 422 00:12:40,303 --> 00:12:41,504 EVEN REMOTELY HELPFUL AS FAR 423 00:12:41,504 --> 00:12:42,004 AS ‐‐ 424 00:12:42,004 --> 00:12:44,073 >> THEN JUST GENERAL COMMON 425 00:12:44,073 --> 00:12:45,441 SENSE STUFF. 426 00:12:45,441 --> 00:12:46,075 I MADE HIM RUN BACKWARDS FOR TEN 427 00:12:46,075 --> 00:12:49,378 MILES WITH NO SHOES. 428 00:12:49,378 --> 00:12:49,979 I HAD HIM WASH HIS HAIR WITH 429 00:12:49,979 --> 00:12:51,681 BEET ROOT EXTRACT AND GAVE HIM A 430 00:12:51,681 --> 00:12:52,782 HANDFUL OF LOOSE CRYSTALS TO 431 00:12:52,782 --> 00:12:53,416 JUST SORT OF SWISH AROUND IN HIS 432 00:12:53,416 --> 00:12:57,453 MOUTH FOR A WHILE. 433 00:12:57,453 --> 00:12:59,455 I REALLY THREW THE KITCHEN SINK 434 00:12:59,455 --> 00:13:01,457 AT THIS THING, BY WHICH I MEAN I 435 00:13:01,457 --> 00:13:03,659 TOOK THE STUFF AT THE BOTTOM OF 436 00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:04,560 MY KITCHEN SINK, MADE IT INTO A 437 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,494 PASTE, AND PUT IT IN HIS MORNING 438 00:13:05,494 --> 00:13:08,397 MATCHA. 439 00:13:08,397 --> 00:13:08,931 >> Jimmy: AND DID IT WORK? 440 00:13:08,931 --> 00:13:10,566 >> IT WORKED AMAZINGLY WELL, 441 00:13:10,566 --> 00:13:12,134 ALTHOUGH FOR LEGAL PURPOSES, I 442 00:13:12,134 --> 00:13:13,302 SHOULD SAY IT DID NOT WORK. 443 00:13:13,302 --> 00:13:13,536 AT ALL. 444 00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:15,538 >> Jimmy: OH. 445 00:13:15,538 --> 00:13:17,506 >> BUT HIS CHAKRAS ARE ALIGNED, 446 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,108 HIS CHI IS BALANCED, AND HIS 447 00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:19,709 URINE HAS NEVER SMELLED MORE 448 00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:21,377 LIKE KOMBUCHA! 449 00:13:21,377 --> 00:13:22,912 >> Jimmy: IS THAT A GOOD THING? 450 00:13:22,912 --> 00:13:24,814 >> IT'S A GREAT THING! 451 00:13:24,814 --> 00:13:25,448 LOOK, WE SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON 452 00:13:25,448 --> 00:13:28,818 WHAT MATTERS. 453 00:13:28,818 --> 00:13:29,452 THESE TREATMENTS PROTECTED AARON 454 00:13:29,452 --> 00:13:31,354 FROM GETTING COVID. 455 00:13:31,354 --> 00:13:32,788 >> Jimmy: BUT DOESN'T HE HAVE 456 00:13:32,788 --> 00:13:33,155 COVID RIGHT NOW? 457 00:13:33,155 --> 00:13:33,456 >> OH YEAH. 458 00:13:33,456 --> 00:13:37,326 BIG TIME. 459 00:13:37,326 --> 00:13:37,893 HE MAY NEVER SMELL OR TASTE 460 00:13:37,893 --> 00:13:39,695 AGAIN, WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE HE 461 00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:41,464 HATES MY TABBOULEH SALAD. 462 00:13:41,464 --> 00:13:42,098 >> Jimmy: ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING 463 00:13:42,098 --> 00:13:43,099 TO HELP HIM GET BETTER? 464 00:13:43,099 --> 00:13:50,139 >> I'VE BEEN DOING THIS! 465 00:13:50,139 --> 00:13:51,707 [ SIRENS ] 466 00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,309 HEY, I'D LOVE TO HANG OUT AND 467 00:13:53,309 --> 00:13:53,909 SHOOT THE SHAMAN WITH YA, BUT 468 00:13:53,909 --> 00:13:55,611 I'M SORTA IN THE MIDDLE OF 469 00:13:55,611 --> 00:13:56,245 FLEEING THE COUNTRY UNTIL THIS 470 00:13:56,245 --> 00:13:57,179 WHOLE MEDIA BLITZ DIES DOWN. 471 00:13:57,179 --> 00:13:57,780 >> Jimmy: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 472 00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:00,916 >> CAN'T SAY. 473 00:14:00,916 --> 00:14:01,550 >> Jimmy: WELL, ENJOY YOUR TRIP. 474 00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:02,184 >> OH, A TRIP IS SOMETHING YOU 475 00:14:02,184 --> 00:14:02,551 COME BACK FROM. 476 00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:03,686 THIS IS NO TRIP. 477 00:14:03,686 --> 00:14:06,155 I WILL BE FAKING MY OWN DEATH. 478 00:14:06,155 --> 00:14:06,689 DON'T TELL THE GOVERNMENT! 479 00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:09,458 >> Jimmy: I WON'T. 480 00:14:09,458 --> 00:14:12,428 DOCTOR MILES BIRCHBARK EVERYONE. 481 00:14:12,428 --> 00:14:13,496 >> DON'T FORGET TO PUT "DOCTOR" 482 00:14:13,496 --> 00:14:17,500 IN AIR QUOTES! 483 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:20,302 >> Jimmy: WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW 484 00:14:20,302 --> 00:14:21,504 FOR YOU TONIGHT. 485 00:14:21,504 --> 00:14:21,904 KAL PENN IS HERE. 486 00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,472 WE HAVE MUSIC FROM HARDY. 487 00:14:23,472 --> 00:14:25,508 AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH 488 00:14:25,508 --> 00:14:27,710 GWYNETH PALTROW. 489 00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:28,310 SO STICK AROUND. 490 00:14:39,989 --> 00:14:40,623 >> Jimmy: TONIGHT, HIS NEW BOOK 491 00:14:40,623 --> 00:14:41,757 IS CALLED "YOU CAN'T BE 492 00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:43,726 SERIOUS," KAL PENN IS WITH US. 493 00:14:43,726 --> 00:14:47,797 HE LOOKS LIKE THIS. 494 00:14:47,797 --> 00:14:49,565 THEN LATER, HE IS NOMINATED FOR 495 00:14:49,565 --> 00:14:52,868 CMA NEW ARTIST OF THE YEAR. 496 00:14:52,868 --> 00:14:53,469 HIS ALBUM IS CALLED "A ROCK." 497 00:14:53,469 --> 00:14:56,138 MUSIC FROM HARDY ON THE 498 00:14:56,138 --> 00:14:56,572 MERCEDES‐BENZ STAGE. 499 00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:57,540 THIS WEEK, WE'VE GOT NEW SHOWS 500 00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,775 WITH RYAN REYNOLDS, 501 00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:01,510 BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, 502 00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:03,179 KEVIN GARNETT, JAMIE DORNAN. 503 00:15:03,179 --> 00:15:04,513 WE'LL HAVE MUSIC FROM 504 00:15:04,513 --> 00:15:05,514 MAREN MORRIS, RYAN HURD AND 505 00:15:05,514 --> 00:15:06,015 DUSTIN LYNCH FEATURING 506 00:15:06,015 --> 00:15:09,518 MACKENZIE PORTER. 507 00:15:09,518 --> 00:15:11,787 SO PLEASE JOIN US FOR EACH ONE 508 00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:12,054 OF THOSE. 509 00:15:12,054 --> 00:15:16,091 OUR FIRST GUEST IS A 510 00:15:16,091 --> 00:15:16,992 MULTI‐TALENTED AND MULTI‐VITAMIN 511 00:15:16,992 --> 00:15:17,626 SELLING OSCAR WINNER WITH A NEW 512 00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:21,530 SHOW ABOUT THOSE THINGS CALLED 513 00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:22,565 ORGASMS. 514 00:15:22,565 --> 00:15:23,799 >> THERE'S THIS THING IN OUR 515 00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:29,538 CULTURE WITH ESPECIALLY CIS 516 00:15:29,538 --> 00:15:31,173 GENDER, HETERO SEXUAL MEN THIS 517 00:15:31,173 --> 00:15:33,108 IS HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE 518 00:15:33,108 --> 00:15:34,577 WHEN YOU ORGASM. 519 00:15:34,577 --> 00:15:36,779 SLOT A GOES INTO SLOT B AND 520 00:15:36,779 --> 00:15:44,587 EXPLOSIVE, AND THAT'S HOW IT 521 00:15:44,587 --> 00:15:44,787 WORKS. 522 00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:47,289 ORGASM CAN BE ANYWHERE ON THE 523 00:15:47,289 --> 00:15:47,556 BODY. 524 00:15:47,556 --> 00:15:48,190 >> Jimmy: "SEX, LOVE AND GOOP" 525 00:15:48,190 --> 00:15:49,525 IS ON NETFLIX NOW. 526 00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:51,694 PLEASE WELCOME GWYNETH PALTROW. 527 00:15:53,529 --> 00:16:07,209 [ APPLAUSE ] 528 00:16:07,209 --> 00:16:08,410 >> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING? 529 00:16:08,410 --> 00:16:09,011 >> GOOD. 530 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,279 >> Jimmy: I LIKE THAT DRESS. 531 00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:11,614 IS THAT A DRESS OR A SKIRT? 532 00:16:11,614 --> 00:16:13,115 >> IT'S A DRESS. 533 00:16:13,115 --> 00:16:14,550 >> Jimmy: I LIKE THE THINGS YOU 534 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:15,251 PICK. 535 00:16:15,251 --> 00:16:17,019 I STARTED SUBSCRIBING TO GOOP 536 00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:19,188 LIKE RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING, AND 537 00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:22,791 EVERYONE WOULD MAKE FUN OF ME, 538 00:16:22,791 --> 00:16:25,494 BECAUSE I WOULD BE LIKE ON 539 00:16:25,494 --> 00:16:26,862 "GOOP" IT SAID. 540 00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:28,464 HOW LONG AGO DID YOU START THE 541 00:16:28,464 --> 00:16:29,365 NEWS LETER? 542 00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:30,132 >> I STARTED IN 2008. 543 00:16:30,132 --> 00:16:32,535 >> Jimmy: AND NOW IT'S BLOSSOMED 544 00:16:32,535 --> 00:16:35,404 TO BECOME A COMPANY, A WEBSITE, 545 00:16:35,404 --> 00:16:38,908 A BRAND, A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN 546 00:16:38,908 --> 00:16:42,778 BUY IVERMECTIN? 547 00:16:42,778 --> 00:16:44,780 >> NO, THAT YOU CANNOT DO. 548 00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:47,516 >> Jimmy: A RELIGION TO SOME. 549 00:16:47,516 --> 00:16:48,751 YEAH, I THINK YOU COULD START A 550 00:16:48,751 --> 00:16:50,452 CULT IF YOU WANTED TO. 551 00:16:50,452 --> 00:16:51,453 >> REALLY? 552 00:16:51,453 --> 00:16:52,988 THAT DOES NOT SOUND FUN. 553 00:16:52,988 --> 00:16:55,224 >> Jimmy: NO, THAT'S MORE OF A 554 00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:56,592 GUY THING STARTING A CULT. 555 00:16:56,592 --> 00:16:57,626 IT'S MORE FUN FOR MEN. 556 00:16:57,626 --> 00:17:00,296 SO YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS, AND 557 00:17:00,296 --> 00:17:02,565 NOW A COUPLE OF TELEVISION SHOWS 558 00:17:02,565 --> 00:17:03,432 HAVE COME FROM THIS. 559 00:17:03,432 --> 00:17:06,502 AND ONE OF THEM IS THIS "SEX, 560 00:17:06,502 --> 00:17:09,004 LOVE, AND GOOP." 561 00:17:09,004 --> 00:17:10,839 AND THIS IS ‐‐ WHICH IT SOUNDS 562 00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:12,942 KIND OF GROSS WHEN YOU PUT IT 563 00:17:12,942 --> 00:17:14,443 NEXT TO SEX AND LOVE. 564 00:17:14,443 --> 00:17:16,579 >> THAT'S WHY WE DID IT. 565 00:17:16,579 --> 00:17:17,780 >> Jimmy: I WAS WATCHING THIS 566 00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:20,049 SHOW OVER THE WEEKEND, AND THE 567 00:17:20,049 --> 00:17:23,752 WOMAN WE SAW IN THE CLIP, THE 568 00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:26,589 WOMAN ‐‐ NOW, SHE WAS LAYING ON 569 00:17:26,589 --> 00:17:28,958 A ‐‐ YOU SAW THIS ONE, I GUESS? 570 00:17:28,958 --> 00:17:30,492 >> I'VE SEEN IT, YES. 571 00:17:30,492 --> 00:17:32,595 >> Jimmy: SHE'S LAYING ON LIKE A 572 00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:33,529 THING, RIGHT? 573 00:17:33,529 --> 00:17:35,297 AND THEN HER HUSBAND COMES OUT 574 00:17:35,297 --> 00:17:38,233 AND HE LOOKS LIKE A MARVEL 575 00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:40,269 COMICS VILLAIN FROM 1965, RIGHT? 576 00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:41,203 HE'S BALD HEADED ‐‐ 577 00:17:41,203 --> 00:17:42,071 >> OH, YEP. 578 00:17:42,071 --> 00:17:43,072 I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. 579 00:17:43,072 --> 00:17:45,274 >> HE STARTS WAVING HIS HANDS 580 00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:46,175 OVER HER LIKE THIS. 581 00:17:46,175 --> 00:17:48,210 AND LIKE MAGIC, LIKE DR. STRANGE 582 00:17:48,210 --> 00:17:49,178 OR SOMETHING. 583 00:17:49,178 --> 00:17:49,778 >> YEAH. 584 00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,046 >> Jimmy: AND SHE STARTS 585 00:17:51,046 --> 00:17:53,482 WRITHING AND MOANING, AND HE'S 586 00:17:53,482 --> 00:17:55,517 LIKE, FAKE AIR RUBBING HER HERE, 587 00:17:55,517 --> 00:17:57,686 AND SHE'S GOING CRAZY. 588 00:17:57,686 --> 00:17:59,588 THEN SHE'S TOUCHING HER HERE AND 589 00:17:59,588 --> 00:18:01,156 PULLING IMAGINARY STRINGS. 590 00:18:01,156 --> 00:18:03,392 AND SHE'S GOING SEXUALLY CRAZY. 591 00:18:03,392 --> 00:18:04,326 >> YEAH. 592 00:18:04,326 --> 00:18:05,527 >> Jimmy: THAT'S NONSENSE, 593 00:18:05,527 --> 00:18:05,728 RIGHT? 594 00:18:05,728 --> 00:18:09,365 [ LAUGHTER ] 595 00:18:09,365 --> 00:18:11,767 >> YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, NO, IT'S 596 00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:12,434 NOT. 597 00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:13,969 THAT'S THE AMAZING THING IS 598 00:18:13,969 --> 00:18:17,106 THAT, I MEAN, ENERGY IS 599 00:18:17,106 --> 00:18:17,373 POWERFUL. 600 00:18:17,373 --> 00:18:18,641 >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU TRIED THAT? 601 00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:20,776 >> UMM, NO, I HAVE NOT. 602 00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:22,878 BUT I AM OPEN TO TRYING IT. 603 00:18:22,878 --> 00:18:23,746 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 604 00:18:23,746 --> 00:18:25,514 >> WITH YOU. 605 00:18:25,514 --> 00:18:31,487 >> Jimmy: WELL, LISTEN I WOULD 606 00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,255 EACH LET THAT GUY DO IT TO ME 607 00:18:33,255 --> 00:18:35,124 JUST TO SEE IF ANYTHING WAS 608 00:18:35,124 --> 00:18:35,391 HAPPENING. 609 00:18:35,391 --> 00:18:36,759 >> YEAH, I WOULD TO. 610 00:18:36,759 --> 00:18:38,827 >> Jimmy: CAN WE PHONE HIM UP 611 00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,096 AND SEE IF HIS MAGIC POWERS CAN 612 00:18:41,096 --> 00:18:42,097 GET ME GOING? 613 00:18:42,097 --> 00:18:43,332 BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING ELSE. 614 00:18:43,332 --> 00:18:44,400 >> I BET THEY COULD. 615 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,968 >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE LIKE FIVE 616 00:18:45,968 --> 00:18:47,703 COUPLES AND INTRODUCE THEM TO 617 00:18:47,703 --> 00:18:48,704 VARIOUS EXPERTS IN THE FIELD OF 618 00:18:48,704 --> 00:18:49,038 SEX. 619 00:18:49,038 --> 00:18:49,605 >> YEAH. 620 00:18:49,605 --> 00:18:51,140 >> Jimmy: WHERE DO YOU GET THESE 621 00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:53,542 PEOPLE, CRAIGSLIST? 622 00:18:53,542 --> 00:18:55,878 >> YES, CRAIGSLIST. 623 00:18:55,878 --> 00:18:57,546 UMM, YOU KNOW, YES, IT'S TRUE 624 00:18:57,546 --> 00:18:59,515 THAT ONE OF THE FOCUSES IS SEX. 625 00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:01,483 BUT IT'S ALSO ‐‐ THE SHOW IS 626 00:19:01,483 --> 00:19:04,053 REALLY ABOUT INTIMACY, AS WELL. 627 00:19:04,053 --> 00:19:05,654 PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN IN 628 00:19:05,654 --> 00:19:06,522 LONG‐TERM, INTIMATE 629 00:19:06,522 --> 00:19:08,724 RELATIONSHIPS OR EVEN SHORTER, 630 00:19:08,724 --> 00:19:10,325 INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, LIKE 631 00:19:10,325 --> 00:19:11,627 THINGS CAN COME UP REALLY 632 00:19:11,627 --> 00:19:13,495 QUICKLY THAT FEEL LIKE 633 00:19:13,495 --> 00:19:15,097 DISCONNECTS OR THAT KEEP YOU, 634 00:19:15,097 --> 00:19:17,499 YOU KNOW, NOT QUITE TELLING 635 00:19:17,499 --> 00:19:18,901 YOURSELF THE WHOLE TRUTH. 636 00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,302 SO WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE 637 00:19:20,302 --> 00:19:21,203 INTERESTING TO MAKE A SHOW 638 00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:22,104 AROUND THIS SUBJECT. 639 00:19:22,104 --> 00:19:23,505 BECAUSE IT'S AN AREA WHERE 640 00:19:23,505 --> 00:19:24,940 WHATEVER IS OUT OF ALIGNMENT IN 641 00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:27,276 YOUR LIFE IT'S GOING TO SHOW UP 642 00:19:27,276 --> 00:19:28,811 IN HOW YOU ARE WITH YOUR 643 00:19:28,811 --> 00:19:29,044 PARTNER. 644 00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:31,080 SO THESE COUPLES WE FOUND, IT 645 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,448 WAS THROUGH A CASTING PROCESS. 646 00:19:32,448 --> 00:19:34,850 THEY WERE SO BRAVE AND AMAZING, 647 00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:36,985 AND REALLY WILLING TO BE 648 00:19:36,985 --> 00:19:37,519 VULNERABLE. 649 00:19:37,519 --> 00:19:38,387 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 650 00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:40,556 >> ON TV, IN ORDER TO TRY TO GET 651 00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,691 CLOSER TO THEMSELVES AND THEIR 652 00:19:42,691 --> 00:19:42,958 PARTNERS. 653 00:19:42,958 --> 00:19:45,260 SO I WAS SUPER IMPRESSED WITH 654 00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:45,461 THEM. 655 00:19:45,461 --> 00:19:47,196 I'VE HAD SO MUCH AMAZING 656 00:19:47,196 --> 00:19:48,764 FEEDBACK FROM THE SHOW THAT IT'S 657 00:19:48,764 --> 00:19:49,832 HELP SOD MANY PEOPLE. 658 00:19:49,832 --> 00:19:52,434 IT'S HELPED COUPLES HAVE 659 00:19:52,434 --> 00:19:53,402 DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH ‐E. 660 00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:56,305 I HAD ONE FRIEND WHO SAID THEY 661 00:19:56,305 --> 00:19:57,973 KEPT PAUSING IT AND NOW WE NEED 662 00:19:57,973 --> 00:20:00,743 TO TALK ABOUT THIS AND THAT. 663 00:20:00,743 --> 00:20:01,944 >> Jimmy: SO, REALLY? 664 00:20:01,944 --> 00:20:04,113 >> I THANKED THE COUPLES FOR 665 00:20:04,113 --> 00:20:05,514 COMING FORWARD AND PUTTING 666 00:20:05,514 --> 00:20:07,015 THEMSELVES ON THE LINE LIKE 667 00:20:07,015 --> 00:20:07,216 THAT. 668 00:20:07,216 --> 00:20:09,318 >> Jimmy: YEAH, IT REALLY IS 669 00:20:09,318 --> 00:20:10,452 INTERESTING TO WATCH PEOPLE ‐‐ 670 00:20:10,452 --> 00:20:13,188 YOU HAVE AN OLDER COUPLE, AND 671 00:20:13,188 --> 00:20:15,023 IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE PEOPLE THINK 672 00:20:15,023 --> 00:20:16,859 THEY'RE OLD PEOPLE, WE LIKE TO 673 00:20:16,859 --> 00:20:18,794 IMAGINE OUR PARENTS AREN'T DOING 674 00:20:18,794 --> 00:20:19,495 STUFF. 675 00:20:19,495 --> 00:20:20,529 >> THEY'RE RANDY. 676 00:20:20,529 --> 00:20:21,764 >> Jimmy: AND THEY'RE ROLLING 677 00:20:21,764 --> 00:20:23,332 AROUND ON THE GROUND AND THEN 678 00:20:23,332 --> 00:20:25,534 THE ‐‐ THEY'RE LOOKING AT HIM 679 00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:29,538 AND JUST KIND OF HUMPING EACH 680 00:20:29,538 --> 00:20:31,640 OTHER ON THE SHOW. 681 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,608 AND SUSISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? 682 00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:35,744 >> YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE IT SOUND 683 00:20:35,744 --> 00:20:37,513 SO APPEALING. 684 00:20:37,513 --> 00:20:38,781 >> Jimmy: WHAT IS THIS THING? 685 00:20:38,781 --> 00:20:42,417 THIS IS A ‐‐ A SCRATCHER OR 686 00:20:42,417 --> 00:20:42,684 SOMETHING? 687 00:20:42,684 --> 00:20:44,820 >> WELL, IT CAN BE USED A COUPLE 688 00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:45,387 OF WAYS. 689 00:20:45,387 --> 00:20:47,489 IN THE SHOW, THE EXPERT THAT YOU 690 00:20:47,489 --> 00:20:49,958 SAW IN THE CLIP, SHE IS TALKING 691 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:51,460 ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF 692 00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,228 TOUCH AND TALKS ABOUT DIFFERENT 693 00:20:53,228 --> 00:20:55,998 SEXUAL BLUEPRINTS THAT CERTAIN 694 00:20:55,998 --> 00:20:57,432 PEOPLE ARE TURNED ON BY 695 00:20:57,432 --> 00:20:58,033 DIFFERENT THINGS. 696 00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,968 THERE'S A KINKY ONE, I THINK, 697 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:01,537 THIS GOES WITH. 698 00:21:01,537 --> 00:21:04,840 SHE PUTS THIS WOLVERINE CLAW 699 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,141 DOWN ‐‐ PUT YOUR LEG UP HERE FOR 700 00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:06,308 ME. 701 00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:09,578 >> Jimmy: MY LEG? 702 00:21:09,578 --> 00:21:11,680 ALL RIGHT. 703 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:28,096 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 704 00:21:39,174 --> 00:21:42,077 >> Jimmy: SO THIS SHOW IS, 705 00:21:42,077 --> 00:21:43,412 YOU ‐‐ I WOULD IMAGINE NOW THAT 706 00:21:43,412 --> 00:21:45,480 YOU DO THIS LIKE FIRST RUN THAT 707 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,249 PEOPLE ARE GOING TO COME OUT OF 708 00:21:47,249 --> 00:21:49,618 THE WOODWORK WITH ALL KINDS OF 709 00:21:49,618 --> 00:21:50,953 STRANGE STUFF. 710 00:21:50,953 --> 00:21:52,788 YOU TRY THIS STUFF OUT YOURSELF? 711 00:21:52,788 --> 00:21:54,756 >> LIKE SOME OF THE MODALITIES 712 00:21:54,756 --> 00:21:55,057 IN THE SHOW? 713 00:21:55,057 --> 00:21:57,392 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 714 00:21:57,392 --> 00:21:59,361 >> I'VE TRIED, YOU KNOW, A 715 00:21:59,361 --> 00:22:00,028 COUPLE OF THEM. 716 00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:03,765 I HAVEN'T DONE LIKE ENERGETIC 717 00:22:03,765 --> 00:22:07,236 STUFF OR SEXILOGICAL BODY WORK, 718 00:22:07,236 --> 00:22:08,403 WHICH IS PRETTY WILD. 719 00:22:08,403 --> 00:22:11,373 BUT I THINK I WOULD BE OPEN TO 720 00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:11,640 TRYING IT. 721 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,941 >> Jimmy: DO YOU FEEL LIKE ANY 722 00:22:12,941 --> 00:22:14,176 SITUATION, WHERE THERE'S 723 00:22:14,176 --> 00:22:19,715 SOMEBODY SITTING THERE TELLING A 724 00:22:19,715 --> 00:22:22,284 HUSBAND AND WIFE IS GOING TO BE 725 00:22:22,284 --> 00:22:26,221 SEXUALLY EXCITING IN THE FIRST 726 00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:26,855 PLACE, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT USED 727 00:22:26,855 --> 00:22:27,723 TO HAVING A COACH. 728 00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:29,958 >> I THINK YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED A 729 00:22:29,958 --> 00:22:30,926 LONG TIME. 730 00:22:30,926 --> 00:22:31,226 [ LAUGHTER ] 731 00:22:31,226 --> 00:22:31,827 >> Jimmy: WELL, IT'S HARD TO 732 00:22:31,827 --> 00:22:33,695 ARGUE WITH THAT. 733 00:22:33,695 --> 00:22:35,564 WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK. 734 00:22:35,564 --> 00:22:40,569 YOU KNOW I LIKE TO BUY STUFF FOR 735 00:22:40,569 --> 00:22:42,037 MY WIFE FROM "GOOP." 736 00:22:42,037 --> 00:22:43,472 SO WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE 737 00:22:43,472 --> 00:22:44,740 GOING TO GO THROUGH YOUR 738 00:22:44,740 --> 00:22:46,508 HOLIDAY ‐‐ BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO 739 00:22:46,508 --> 00:22:47,743 START GETTING STUFF. 740 00:22:47,743 --> 00:22:49,111 WE HAVE SHIPS FULL OF JUNK THAT 741 00:22:49,111 --> 00:22:50,512 NOBODY CAN GET THE STUFF IN 742 00:22:50,512 --> 00:22:52,814 RIGHT NOW, SO YOU HAVE TO ORDER 743 00:22:52,814 --> 00:22:53,115 IMMEDIATELY. 744 00:22:53,115 --> 00:22:55,717 >> YOU WANT TO START EARLY THIS 745 00:22:55,717 --> 00:22:55,918 YEAR. 746 00:22:55,918 --> 00:22:57,486 >> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO START 747 00:22:57,486 --> 00:22:58,120 EARLY WITH GWYNETH PALTROW RIGHT 748 00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:58,420 AFTER THIS. 749 00:22:58,420 --> 00:22:59,154 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 750 00:23:12,968 --> 00:23:16,371 >> Jimmy: YOU PICK YOUR MOST 751 00:23:16,371 --> 00:23:19,741 FAVORITE ITEMS FROM GOOP AND YOU 752 00:23:19,741 --> 00:23:22,010 SELL THEM, ESPECIALLY FOR 753 00:23:22,010 --> 00:23:23,178 CLUELESS HUSBANDS LIKE MYSELF 754 00:23:23,178 --> 00:23:24,713 AND YOU SELL THINGS LIKE THIS. 755 00:23:24,713 --> 00:23:27,816 THIS IS A VITAMIN ‐‐ 756 00:23:27,816 --> 00:23:30,919 >> IT'S A SUPPLEMENT. 757 00:23:30,919 --> 00:23:37,693 >> Jimmy: IT'S A SUPPLEMENT. 758 00:23:37,693 --> 00:23:38,827 DOES THIS REALLY WORK? 759 00:23:38,827 --> 00:23:39,461 >> YES. 760 00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:41,229 >> Jimmy: IT DOES? 761 00:23:41,229 --> 00:23:41,463 >> YES. 762 00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:43,899 >> Jimmy: YOU SAY YES IN A VERY 763 00:23:43,899 --> 00:23:44,900 SURE WAY. 764 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:45,867 >> YES! 765 00:23:45,867 --> 00:23:47,336 >> Jimmy: WHAT HAPPENS IF A MAN 766 00:23:47,336 --> 00:23:48,270 EATS THEM? 767 00:23:48,270 --> 00:23:49,504 >> SHOULD WE FIND OUT? 768 00:23:49,504 --> 00:23:49,938 >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH. 769 00:23:49,938 --> 00:23:52,574 I WILL TAKE IT. 770 00:23:52,574 --> 00:23:54,977 HOW MANY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO 771 00:23:54,977 --> 00:23:55,177 TAKE? 772 00:23:55,177 --> 00:23:56,778 >> WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE 773 00:23:56,778 --> 00:23:56,979 TWO. 774 00:23:56,979 --> 00:23:57,713 >> Jimmy: I'M GOING TO TAKE FOUR 775 00:23:57,713 --> 00:24:02,884 AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 776 00:24:02,884 --> 00:24:03,585 ALL RIGHT. 777 00:24:03,585 --> 00:24:04,453 I HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS RIGHT 778 00:24:04,453 --> 00:24:04,653 AWAY. 779 00:24:04,653 --> 00:24:07,356 >> OH, WOW. 780 00:24:07,356 --> 00:24:08,256 OH, MY GOSH! 781 00:24:08,256 --> 00:24:16,431 [ APPLAUSE ] 782 00:24:16,431 --> 00:24:17,733 MOMMY IS IN FOR IT! 783 00:24:17,733 --> 00:24:19,868 >> Jimmy: NOW, THIS IS A ‐‐ THIS 784 00:24:19,868 --> 00:24:22,371 IS KIND OF CUTE. 785 00:24:22,371 --> 00:24:23,872 THIS IS A CROISSANT. 786 00:24:23,872 --> 00:24:34,683 IF YOU OPEN IT UP ‐‐ 787 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:35,751 YOU KNOW WHAT? 788 00:24:35,751 --> 00:24:39,454 THAT'S A GOOD PLACE TO KEEP YOUR 789 00:24:39,454 --> 00:24:45,794 DTF PILLS RIGHT IN THERE. 790 00:24:45,794 --> 00:24:47,195 THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN 791 00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:48,597 READING ABOUT, AND I WANTED TO 792 00:24:48,597 --> 00:24:50,665 TRY THIS, BECAUSE THESE ARE LIKE 793 00:24:50,665 --> 00:24:54,736 SUPER ‐‐ WHAT DO THEY CALL 794 00:24:54,736 --> 00:24:55,170 THESE? 795 00:24:55,170 --> 00:25:00,642 >> OISHII STRAWBERRIES. 796 00:25:00,642 --> 00:25:03,311 WE DON'T SELL THESE AT GOOP, BUT 797 00:25:03,311 --> 00:25:06,014 WE LIKE TO LINK TO OTHER FUN 798 00:25:06,014 --> 00:25:06,248 THINGS. 799 00:25:06,248 --> 00:25:07,783 THESE ARE APPARENTLY THE MOST 800 00:25:07,783 --> 00:25:09,351 SPECIAL STRAWBERRY IN THE WHOLE 801 00:25:09,351 --> 00:25:13,588 WORLD, AND THEY'RE HYDROPONIC. 802 00:25:13,588 --> 00:25:16,491 THEY'RE LIKE, $50. 803 00:25:16,491 --> 00:25:17,259 >> Jimmy: HOLY MOLY. 804 00:25:17,259 --> 00:25:33,341 WOW. 805 00:25:42,984 --> 00:25:43,819 JOIN LET ME KNOW IF YOU GET 806 00:25:43,819 --> 00:25:48,356 SEXUALLY EXCITED. 807 00:25:48,356 --> 00:25:54,262 TAKE THE REST OF THESE. 808 00:25:54,262 --> 00:25:58,500 [ APPLAUSE ] 809 00:25:58,500 --> 00:25:59,701 AND THEN WE HAVE ‐‐ OH, THERE 810 00:25:59,701 --> 00:26:01,136 YOU GO. 811 00:26:01,136 --> 00:26:02,871 AND THEN YOU MIND IF WE EAT THE 812 00:26:02,871 --> 00:26:07,042 REST OF YOURS? 813 00:26:07,042 --> 00:26:09,744 I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE COVID. 814 00:26:09,744 --> 00:26:11,346 AND THEN WE HAVE SOMETHING THAT 815 00:26:11,346 --> 00:26:13,849 I'VE BEEN SEEING NOW. 816 00:26:13,849 --> 00:26:16,318 IN FACT, BILL MURRAY WAS WEARING 817 00:26:16,318 --> 00:26:17,352 THESE LAST WEEK, AND GUILLERMO 818 00:26:17,352 --> 00:26:19,754 IS WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW. 819 00:26:19,754 --> 00:26:20,989 THESE ARE ‐‐ 820 00:26:20,989 --> 00:26:21,857 >> THESE ARE GREAT. 821 00:26:21,857 --> 00:26:23,925 >> Jimmy: WHAT ARE THEY CALLED? 822 00:26:23,925 --> 00:26:25,927 >> I FORGET THE NAME OF THEM, 823 00:26:25,927 --> 00:26:28,864 BUT THEY PUMP YOUR LEGS, SO IF 824 00:26:28,864 --> 00:26:30,365 YOU HAVE LACTIC ACID IN YOUR 825 00:26:30,365 --> 00:26:31,933 LEG, THEY FILL WITH AIR AND 826 00:26:31,933 --> 00:26:33,268 COMPRESS YOUR LEG. 827 00:26:33,268 --> 00:26:35,337 >> Jimmy: HOW DO THEY FEEL, 828 00:26:35,337 --> 00:26:36,304 GUILLERMO? 829 00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:37,272 >> REAL TIGHT. 830 00:26:37,272 --> 00:26:41,276 BUT THEY'RE VERY COMFORTABLE. 831 00:26:41,276 --> 00:26:43,879 >> Jimmy: IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE 832 00:26:43,879 --> 00:26:44,813 ZIPPED ALL THE WAY UP? 833 00:26:44,813 --> 00:26:45,947 >> YEAH, BUT THE BELLY DOESN'T 834 00:26:45,947 --> 00:26:49,918 LET IT. 835 00:26:49,918 --> 00:26:51,720 >> Jimmy: AND THEN SOMEWHAT DO 836 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,222 THOSE DO EXACTLY FOR A PERSON? 837 00:26:54,222 --> 00:26:56,825 >> SO THEY COMPRESS YOUR LEGS, 838 00:26:56,825 --> 00:26:58,693 SO THEY HELP WITH CIRCULATION. 839 00:26:58,693 --> 00:27:01,630 IF YOU WORK OUT, IT WILL 840 00:27:01,630 --> 00:27:04,499 CIRCULATE THE LACTIC ACID OUT OF 841 00:27:04,499 --> 00:27:08,336 THE MUSCLE VERY GOOD FOR 842 00:27:08,336 --> 00:27:08,637 CIRCULATION. 843 00:27:08,637 --> 00:27:10,672 >> IT'S FOR PEOPLE THAT WORK 844 00:27:10,672 --> 00:27:10,939 OUT. 845 00:27:10,939 --> 00:27:12,407 BUT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT YOU 846 00:27:12,407 --> 00:27:13,408 WOULD BUY FOR ANYONE? 847 00:27:13,408 --> 00:27:15,010 >> THIS IS LIKE IF YOU HAVE 848 00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:16,978 SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO IS VERY 849 00:27:16,978 --> 00:27:19,014 FIT OR INTO WELLNESS OR THEY'RE 850 00:27:19,014 --> 00:27:20,849 DOING A LOT OF WALKING OR 851 00:27:20,849 --> 00:27:21,082 HIKING. 852 00:27:21,082 --> 00:27:22,083 >> Jimmy: I SEE. 853 00:27:22,083 --> 00:27:23,952 THEY WOULD PUT THESE ON. 854 00:27:23,952 --> 00:27:25,387 AND WE WOULD TAKE A PICTURE AND 855 00:27:25,387 --> 00:27:27,455 TEN YEARS LATER MAKE FUN OF 856 00:27:27,455 --> 00:27:27,656 THEM. 857 00:27:27,656 --> 00:27:29,324 WHAT HAPPEN IT IS YOU AND OPRAH 858 00:27:29,324 --> 00:27:31,293 HAVE THE SAME FAVORITE THING, IS 859 00:27:31,293 --> 00:27:32,661 THERE A FIGHT? 860 00:27:32,661 --> 00:27:34,696 >> I DEFER TO OPRAH ALL THE 861 00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:34,996 TIME. 862 00:27:34,996 --> 00:27:36,498 >> Jimmy: IF SHE WERE TO HAVE 863 00:27:36,498 --> 00:27:37,399 SOMETHING, YOU WOULD BACK OFF 864 00:27:37,399 --> 00:27:39,167 AND SAY THAT'S ‐‐ 865 00:27:39,167 --> 00:27:41,636 >> IF SHE ASKED ME TO, OH, YEAH. 866 00:27:41,636 --> 00:27:42,304 >> Jimmy: OKAY. 867 00:27:42,304 --> 00:27:45,140 YOU THINK OPRAH'S GOT THESE? 868 00:27:45,140 --> 00:27:45,674 >> I DON'T KNOW. 869 00:27:45,674 --> 00:27:47,976 BUT MAYBE I SHOULD SEND HER 870 00:27:47,976 --> 00:27:48,376 SOME. 871 00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:49,377 >> Jimmy: PLEASE SEND OPRAH A 872 00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:50,845 PAIR OF THOSE AND SEE WHAT 873 00:27:50,845 --> 00:27:51,079 HAPPENS. 874 00:27:51,079 --> 00:27:52,847 >> I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. 875 00:27:52,847 --> 00:27:57,986 >> Jimmy: IT'S VERY GOOD TO SEE 876 00:27:57,986 --> 00:27:58,186 YOU. 877 00:27:58,186 --> 00:28:00,989 GWYNETH PALTROW, EVERYBODY. 878 00:28:00,989 --> 00:28:03,792 WE'LL BE BACK WITH KAL PENN. 879 00:28:15,003 --> 00:28:15,904 >> Jimmy: MUSIC FROM HARDY IS ON 880 00:28:15,904 --> 00:28:17,372 THE WAY. 881 00:28:17,372 --> 00:28:19,441 OUR NEXT GUEST IS A FORMER WHITE 882 00:28:19,441 --> 00:28:20,175 HOUSE STAFFER AND EITHER HAROLD 883 00:28:20,175 --> 00:28:21,476 OR KUMAR. 884 00:28:21,476 --> 00:28:24,613 THEY'RE STILL SORTING IT OUT. 885 00:28:24,613 --> 00:28:25,213 HE NOW ADDS "AUTHOR" TO HIS 886 00:28:25,213 --> 00:28:26,181 RESUME WITH THE NEW MEMOIR "YOU 887 00:28:26,181 --> 00:28:27,015 CAN'T BE SERIOUS," PLEASE 888 00:28:27,015 --> 00:28:28,984 WELCOME KAL PENN. 889 00:28:28,984 --> 00:28:41,997 [ APPLAUSE ] 890 00:28:41,997 --> 00:28:46,001 ♪ 891 00:28:46,001 --> 00:28:47,035 >> LIVE AUDIENCE. 892 00:28:47,035 --> 00:28:47,769 THIS IS SO NICE. 893 00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:48,470 >> Jimmy: IT'S NICE TO HAVE THEM 894 00:28:48,470 --> 00:28:48,670 HERE. 895 00:28:48,670 --> 00:28:53,174 IT REALLY IS. 896 00:28:53,174 --> 00:28:54,442 SOMEBODY PUT THIS BOOK ON MY 897 00:28:54,442 --> 00:28:55,844 DESK A COUPLE DAYS AGO. 898 00:28:55,844 --> 00:28:57,779 I LOOKED AT IT FOR A SECOND AND 899 00:28:57,779 --> 00:28:58,880 I THOUGHT IT WAS ME. 900 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:03,018 >> WE'VE GOTTEN THAT BEFORE. 901 00:29:03,018 --> 00:29:04,753 >> Jimmy: YEAH, IF I WAS MORE 902 00:29:04,753 --> 00:29:08,223 HANDSOME AND YOUNGER, THIS COULD 903 00:29:08,223 --> 00:29:09,157 POTENTIALLY BE ME. 904 00:29:09,157 --> 00:29:10,258 BUT IT'S NOT. 905 00:29:10,258 --> 00:29:11,793 I THOUGHT HEY, I WROTE A BOOK. 906 00:29:11,793 --> 00:29:14,796 YOU COVER A LOT IN THIS BOOK, 907 00:29:14,796 --> 00:29:16,131 INCLUDING HOW THAT YOU GOT A JOB 908 00:29:16,131 --> 00:29:17,632 AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 909 00:29:17,632 --> 00:29:18,600 >> YES. 910 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:19,801 >> Jimmy: WHICH IS VERY STRANGE 911 00:29:19,801 --> 00:29:21,303 THE WAY YOU WENT ABOUT DOING 912 00:29:21,303 --> 00:29:21,536 THIS. 913 00:29:21,536 --> 00:29:22,003 >> YES. 914 00:29:22,003 --> 00:29:24,172 I APPLIED ‐‐ I TOOK THE 915 00:29:24,172 --> 00:29:26,007 SABBATICAL, I WAS ON THE TV SHOW 916 00:29:26,007 --> 00:29:26,274 "HOUSE." 917 00:29:26,274 --> 00:29:28,243 I APPLIED AFTER WORKING ON THE 918 00:29:28,243 --> 00:29:29,911 OBAMA CAMPAIGN FOR A YEAR AND A 919 00:29:29,911 --> 00:29:32,047 HALF BY PUTTING MY RESUME ONLINE 920 00:29:32,047 --> 00:29:34,015 ON THIS WEBSITE. 921 00:29:34,015 --> 00:29:36,651 THE CAMPAIGN SENT OUT AN EMAIL 922 00:29:36,651 --> 00:29:38,320 SAYING IF YOU WANT A JOB ON THE 923 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:43,358 ADMINISTRATION, FILL OUT A FORM 924 00:29:43,358 --> 00:29:48,296 ON CHANGE.GOV. 925 00:29:48,296 --> 00:29:49,964 I TOLD MY ACTING MANAGER. 926 00:29:49,964 --> 00:29:52,500 HE'S EVERY CHARACTER FROM THE 927 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:56,037 HBO SHOW "ENTOURAGE" IN ONE 928 00:29:56,037 --> 00:29:56,271 PERSON. 929 00:29:56,271 --> 00:29:58,707 I TOLD HIM, HE'S LIKE, YOU GOING 930 00:29:58,707 --> 00:30:03,111 TO TAKE A SABBATICAL AND WORK AT 931 00:30:03,111 --> 00:30:03,812 THE WHITE HOUSE? 932 00:30:03,812 --> 00:30:05,280 OF COURSE, NOBODY CALLED. 933 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:08,383 AND THEN I GOT INVITED TO SPEAK 934 00:30:08,383 --> 00:30:10,719 AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL. 935 00:30:10,719 --> 00:30:12,987 BACKSTAGE, YOU CAN BRING YOUR 936 00:30:12,987 --> 00:30:16,291 FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO MEET THE 937 00:30:16,291 --> 00:30:17,359 INCOMING FIRST FAMILY. 938 00:30:17,359 --> 00:30:19,194 MRS. OBAMA COMES OVER AND SHE 939 00:30:19,194 --> 00:30:20,729 SAYS, HOPE YOU STAY INVOLVED. 940 00:30:20,729 --> 00:30:22,864 AND I SAID, YEAH, DEFINITELY. 941 00:30:22,864 --> 00:30:24,799 I'M THINKING SHE'S SAY THING TO 942 00:30:24,799 --> 00:30:25,066 EVERYBODY. 943 00:30:25,066 --> 00:30:27,702 AND DAN, MY MANAGER GOES, YOU 944 00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:30,138 KNOW HE APPLIED FOR A JOB, 945 00:30:30,138 --> 00:30:30,338 RIGHT? 946 00:30:30,338 --> 00:30:32,040 SHE GOES, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 947 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,208 YEAH, HE APPLIED A JOB AND 948 00:30:33,208 --> 00:30:35,543 NOBODY CALLED HIM BACK. 949 00:30:35,543 --> 00:30:38,580 AND I'M LIKE, YO, THIS IS NOT 950 00:30:38,580 --> 00:30:41,049 THE TIME TO DO THIS AT ALL. 951 00:30:41,049 --> 00:30:43,084 AND THEN SHE SAYS, WHO DID YOU 952 00:30:43,084 --> 00:30:43,551 APPLY WITH? 953 00:30:43,551 --> 00:30:48,189 AND I SAID, WELL I APPLIED ON 954 00:30:48,189 --> 00:30:48,490 CHANGE.GOV. 955 00:30:48,490 --> 00:30:49,858 AS SOON AS THOSE WORDS CAME OUT 956 00:30:49,858 --> 00:30:53,495 OF MY MOUTH, I REALIZED HOW 957 00:30:53,495 --> 00:30:54,295 RIDICULOUS THIS. 958 00:30:54,295 --> 00:30:59,200 MRS. OBAMA HAS A LOW THRESHOLD 959 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,034 FOR B. S. 960 00:31:00,034 --> 00:31:01,269 SHE CALLED THE PRESIDENT OVER 961 00:31:01,269 --> 00:31:03,138 AND SAID TELL HIM WHAT YOU JUST 962 00:31:03,138 --> 00:31:04,172 TOLD ME. 963 00:31:04,172 --> 00:31:07,909 I WAS LIKE NO, NO, WELL, SIR, I 964 00:31:07,909 --> 00:31:10,912 APPLIED FOR A JOB ON CHANGE.GOV. 965 00:31:10,912 --> 00:31:13,681 AND HE LOOKED AT ME WITH SOME 966 00:31:13,681 --> 00:31:13,982 AMUSEMENT. 967 00:31:13,982 --> 00:31:15,984 THEY SAID LET'S LOOK INTO IT IF 968 00:31:15,984 --> 00:31:18,052 THERE'S SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE 969 00:31:18,052 --> 00:31:19,788 QUALIFIED TO DO. 970 00:31:19,788 --> 00:31:22,257 IT TURNED OUT OUTREACH TO YOUNG 971 00:31:22,257 --> 00:31:23,792 PEOPLE, OUTREACH TO 972 00:31:23,792 --> 00:31:24,626 ASIAN‐AMERICANS AND WORKED WITH 973 00:31:24,626 --> 00:31:27,395 THE ARTS COMMUNITY, THEY WERE 974 00:31:27,395 --> 00:31:29,330 LOOKING TO FILL ONE JOB TO DEAL 975 00:31:29,330 --> 00:31:30,131 WITH ALL THOSE. 976 00:31:30,131 --> 00:31:33,168 SO IT WORKED OUT WELL. 977 00:31:33,168 --> 00:31:36,271 >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT 978 00:31:36,271 --> 00:31:38,006 PSYCHOLOGICALLY YOU APPLIED 979 00:31:38,006 --> 00:31:38,239 ONLINE? 980 00:31:38,239 --> 00:31:40,074 >> A, BECAUSE I'M VERY STUPID. 981 00:31:40,074 --> 00:31:42,076 BUT B, AND THIS IS THE POINT OF 982 00:31:42,076 --> 00:31:43,511 WRITING THAT CHAPTER THE BOOK. 983 00:31:43,511 --> 00:31:48,783 OBVIOUSLY IT FEELSA IT LITTLE 984 00:31:48,783 --> 00:31:49,050 SALACIOUS. 985 00:31:49,050 --> 00:31:51,686 BUT IF YOU WORKED AT A COMPANY 986 00:31:51,686 --> 00:31:53,855 ON A COMPANY, I STARTED ON THE 987 00:31:53,855 --> 00:31:55,290 OBAMA CAMPAIGN. 988 00:31:55,290 --> 00:31:58,393 IF YOU WORK AT A COMPANY WITH 989 00:31:58,393 --> 00:31:59,861 THAT KIND OF GROWTH, AND YOU 990 00:31:59,861 --> 00:32:01,763 WANT TO KEEP WORKING THERE, YOU 991 00:32:01,763 --> 00:32:03,064 SHOULD TELL YOUR BOSS THAT. 992 00:32:03,064 --> 00:32:05,099 TO THEM IT LOOKS ALMOST 993 00:32:05,099 --> 00:32:05,967 DISRESPECTFUL THAT MAYBE YOU 994 00:32:05,967 --> 00:32:07,101 DON'T WANT IT. 995 00:32:07,101 --> 00:32:09,137 BUT I HAD THIS CHIP ON MY 996 00:32:09,137 --> 00:32:11,239 SHOULDER LIKE, DO THEY THINK I'M 997 00:32:11,239 --> 00:32:12,907 JUST GOING TO APPLY BECAUSE I'M 998 00:32:12,907 --> 00:32:14,075 AN ACTOR? 999 00:32:14,075 --> 00:32:16,644 BUT FOR THAT ADMINISTRATION ‐‐ 1000 00:32:16,644 --> 00:32:17,245 >> Jimmy: I WOULD LIKE TO SEE 1001 00:32:17,245 --> 00:32:19,547 THAT RESUME, TOO. 1002 00:32:19,547 --> 00:32:20,882 >> YEAH, YEAH. 1003 00:32:20,882 --> 00:32:23,151 LINE ONE, SMOKED A TON OF WEED 1004 00:32:23,151 --> 00:32:24,986 WITH A FAKE PRESIDENT BUSH. 1005 00:32:24,986 --> 00:32:26,387 >> Jimmy: SOMEBODY PROBABLY 1006 00:32:26,387 --> 00:32:28,556 THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE. 1007 00:32:28,556 --> 00:32:29,491 >> THE JOKE WAS ‐‐ THIS WAS NOT 1008 00:32:29,491 --> 00:32:32,794 A JOKE, BUT WHEN I HAD TO DO THE 1009 00:32:32,794 --> 00:32:34,395 FBI BACKGROUND CHECK AND ASKED 1010 00:32:34,395 --> 00:32:37,432 YOU, HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED WEEK? 1011 00:32:37,432 --> 00:32:40,502 I'M LIKE, TWO MOVIES FULL. 1012 00:32:40,502 --> 00:32:42,570 AND THEY'RE TRYING TO HIDE THEIR 1013 00:32:42,570 --> 00:32:44,339 SMIRKS IN THE FBI INTERVIEW. 1014 00:32:44,339 --> 00:32:45,573 >> Jimmy: YOU ALSO TALK ABOUT 1015 00:32:45,573 --> 00:32:48,076 YOU ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO 1016 00:32:48,076 --> 00:32:50,712 A JOSH, A MAN. 1017 00:32:50,712 --> 00:32:53,047 SOMETHING THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE 1018 00:32:53,047 --> 00:32:53,982 DON'T KNOW. 1019 00:32:53,982 --> 00:32:54,849 >> YES. 1020 00:32:54,849 --> 00:32:56,117 >> Jimmy: WHEN ARE YOU GUYS 1021 00:32:56,117 --> 00:32:56,885 GETTING MARRIED? 1022 00:32:56,885 --> 00:32:59,587 >> WE GOT ENGAGED ALMOST THREE 1023 00:32:59,587 --> 00:33:00,321 YEARS AGO. 1024 00:33:00,321 --> 00:33:02,257 A CHAPTER I LOVE IN THE BOOK, 1025 00:33:02,257 --> 00:33:03,725 CHAPTER 18 HOW WE MET OVER A 1026 00:33:03,725 --> 00:33:05,894 CONVERSATION ABOUT NASCAR AND 1027 00:33:05,894 --> 00:33:06,160 BEERS. 1028 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:08,129 AND THEN GOT ENGAGED THREE YEARS 1029 00:33:08,129 --> 00:33:08,363 AGO. 1030 00:33:08,363 --> 00:33:10,031 BECAUSE OF COVID, IT'S SORT OF 1031 00:33:10,031 --> 00:33:11,099 ON PAUSE. 1032 00:33:11,099 --> 00:33:12,500 BUT WE WILL SEE. 1033 00:33:12,500 --> 00:33:13,968 >> Jimmy: BEFORE I SHOW THESE 1034 00:33:13,968 --> 00:33:15,203 TWEETS, TELL US WHAT LED TO 1035 00:33:15,203 --> 00:33:15,436 THIS. 1036 00:33:15,436 --> 00:33:18,973 >> SO WE WERE FLYING TO L. A. FOR 1037 00:33:18,973 --> 00:33:21,376 SOME BOOK PROMOTION STUFF AND I 1038 00:33:21,376 --> 00:33:23,745 NOTICED THAT CARDI B WAS ON THE 1039 00:33:23,745 --> 00:33:23,978 FLIGHT. 1040 00:33:23,978 --> 00:33:28,850 SO AN EARLY FLIGHT FROM THE NEW 1041 00:33:28,850 --> 00:33:29,050 YORK. 1042 00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:31,819 I THOUGHT I HAVE TO SAY HELLO. 1043 00:33:31,819 --> 00:33:34,622 I FELL ASLEEP AND I HAD A DREAM 1044 00:33:34,622 --> 00:33:37,025 THAT CARDI OFFICIATED THE 1045 00:33:37,025 --> 00:33:41,195 WEDDING ON THE PLANE, AND WE 1046 00:33:41,195 --> 00:33:43,464 HELD HANDS WALKING OUT OF THE 1047 00:33:43,464 --> 00:33:43,698 AIRPORT. 1048 00:33:43,698 --> 00:33:45,767 I DIDN'T TAG HER BECAUSE I 1049 00:33:45,767 --> 00:33:47,902 THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE TACKY. 1050 00:33:47,902 --> 00:33:49,571 THEN SHE SAW IT. 1051 00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:51,439 >> Jimmy: FIRST WEDDING YOU SAY 1052 00:33:51,439 --> 00:33:51,873 HI. 1053 00:33:51,873 --> 00:33:53,007 SECOND, I'M LICENSED TO DO THAT. 1054 00:33:53,007 --> 00:33:57,979 SO LET ME KNOW. 1055 00:33:57,979 --> 00:33:59,914 SO WHEN YOU RESPOND, YOU'RE THE 1056 00:33:59,914 --> 00:34:00,148 BEST. 1057 00:34:00,148 --> 00:34:02,517 JUST GOING TO SAY BUT DIDN'T 1058 00:34:02,517 --> 00:34:03,751 WANT TO BE DISRESPECTFUL. 1059 00:34:03,751 --> 00:34:05,787 >> LOOK AT THE TIME CODE ON 1060 00:34:05,787 --> 00:34:06,054 THIS. 1061 00:34:06,054 --> 00:34:07,622 JOSH WAS ASLEEP WHEN I SENT 1062 00:34:07,622 --> 00:34:07,822 THIS. 1063 00:34:07,822 --> 00:34:09,991 I WAS IN BED AND I SAW HER 1064 00:34:09,991 --> 00:34:10,224 SWEET. 1065 00:34:10,224 --> 00:34:11,960 I'M LIKE, OH, MAN. 1066 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:16,531 I'VE GOT TO WAKE HIM UP. 1067 00:34:16,531 --> 00:34:18,299 NO, EXECUTIVE DECISION. 1068 00:34:18,299 --> 00:34:20,535 CARDI B SAYS SHE'S WILLING TO 1069 00:34:20,535 --> 00:34:21,035 MARRY YOU. 1070 00:34:21,035 --> 00:34:22,904 OF COURSE I'M GOING TO SAY YES. 1071 00:34:22,904 --> 00:34:24,672 >> Jimmy: NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. 1072 00:34:24,672 --> 00:34:27,108 AND JOSH, I ASSUME, AGREED. 1073 00:34:27,108 --> 00:34:29,010 >> HE SAID, OH, COOL. 1074 00:34:29,010 --> 00:34:31,079 >> Jimmy: AND CARDI B SAYS I'M 1075 00:34:31,079 --> 00:34:32,747 DOWN, I'M GET MY SUIT. 1076 00:34:32,747 --> 00:34:34,582 NOW IS SHE GOING TO MARRY YOU 1077 00:34:34,582 --> 00:34:34,916 GUYS? 1078 00:34:34,916 --> 00:34:36,117 >> I HOPE SO. 1079 00:34:36,117 --> 00:34:39,454 YOU KNOW, YEAH, WE NEED TO SET A 1080 00:34:39,454 --> 00:34:39,654 DATE. 1081 00:34:39,654 --> 00:34:41,222 >> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT WILL BE ONE 1082 00:34:41,222 --> 00:34:43,958 THING YOU HAVE TO DO, YEAH. 1083 00:34:43,958 --> 00:34:46,260 HOW WILL YOUR FAMILY FEEL ABOUT 1084 00:34:46,260 --> 00:34:47,395 HER MARRYING YOU? 1085 00:34:47,395 --> 00:34:50,331 >> WELL, IF WE DO AN INDIAN 1086 00:34:50,331 --> 00:34:52,133 WEDDING, THOSE CAN BE LIKE TEN 1087 00:34:52,133 --> 00:34:52,867 DAYS LONG. 1088 00:34:52,867 --> 00:34:54,302 I WOULD IMAGINE IF SHE'S GOT THE 1089 00:34:54,302 --> 00:34:55,703 TIME IN HER SCHEDULE, IT WILL BE 1090 00:34:55,703 --> 00:34:58,039 THE DAY THAT SHE OFFICIATES, AND 1091 00:34:58,039 --> 00:35:00,608 THEN NINE DAYS OF AUNTIES ASKING 1092 00:35:00,608 --> 00:35:03,444 HER ABOUT HER LYRICS. 1093 00:35:03,444 --> 00:35:04,879 >> Jimmy: WILL SHE HAVE TO STAY 1094 00:35:04,879 --> 00:35:06,481 FOR THE WHOLE TEN DAYS? 1095 00:35:06,481 --> 00:35:08,549 >> NO, IT'S VERY FLUID. 1096 00:35:08,549 --> 00:35:10,051 >> Jimmy: IS THERE A MOMENT, 1097 00:35:10,051 --> 00:35:12,754 THOUGH, AT WHICH THE PERSON DOES 1098 00:35:12,754 --> 00:35:16,224 THE, CAN YOU TAKE ‐‐ 1099 00:35:16,224 --> 00:35:19,994 >> THERE'S A COUPLE CEREMONIES 1100 00:35:19,994 --> 00:35:22,463 LIKE THAT. 1101 00:35:22,463 --> 00:35:24,599 >> Jimmy: WHY ARE YOU MAKING 1102 00:35:24,599 --> 00:35:25,700 THIS SO DIFFICULT? 1103 00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:28,102 >> WE NEED TEN MINUTES OF HER 1104 00:35:28,102 --> 00:35:28,369 TIME. 1105 00:35:28,369 --> 00:35:30,104 >> Jimmy: THAT'S HOW YOU BOOK 1106 00:35:30,104 --> 00:35:31,005 CARDI B. 1107 00:35:31,005 --> 00:35:33,641 >> AND SHE CAN STAY FOR TWO 1108 00:35:33,641 --> 00:35:34,042 WEEKS. 1109 00:35:34,042 --> 00:35:35,910 >> Jimmy: SHE CAN EVEN BE FIVE 1110 00:35:35,910 --> 00:35:37,779 DAYS LATE AND STILL MARRY YOU 1111 00:35:37,779 --> 00:35:38,579 GUYS, NO PROBLEM. 1112 00:35:38,579 --> 00:35:40,081 >> NO ISSUE WITH THAT. 1113 00:35:40,081 --> 00:35:41,082 >> Jimmy: THIS WOULD BE 1114 00:35:41,082 --> 00:35:41,616 INCREDIBLE. 1115 00:35:41,616 --> 00:35:42,750 THAT'S ABOUT ‐‐ THAT WOULD BE 1116 00:35:42,750 --> 00:35:44,752 JUST AMAZING TO HAVE HER DO 1117 00:35:44,752 --> 00:35:45,019 THAT. 1118 00:35:45,019 --> 00:35:46,454 >> YEAH. 1119 00:35:46,454 --> 00:35:47,255 SHE'S WONDERFUL. 1120 00:35:47,255 --> 00:35:48,489 I WOULD BE SUPER DOWN. 1121 00:35:48,489 --> 00:35:50,024 >> Jimmy: I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE 1122 00:35:50,024 --> 00:35:50,992 STILL ONLY HALF. 1123 00:35:50,992 --> 00:35:52,226 GUILLERMO IS POPPING OVER THERE, 1124 00:35:52,226 --> 00:35:58,199 BY THE WAY. 1125 00:35:58,199 --> 00:36:01,536 >> YEAH, I THINK IT'S BROKE. 1126 00:36:01,536 --> 00:36:03,104 >> Jimmy: IT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE. 1127 00:36:03,104 --> 00:36:04,639 IT'S VERY GOOD TO SEE YOU, KAL. 1128 00:36:04,639 --> 00:36:08,176 THIS IS THE BOOK CALLED "YOU 1129 00:36:08,176 --> 00:36:08,576 CAN'T BE SERIOUS." 1130 00:36:08,576 --> 00:36:09,711 KAL PENN, HIS INTERESTING LIFE 1131 00:36:09,711 --> 00:36:12,613 IS AVAILABLE NOW. 1132 00:36:12,613 --> 00:36:13,314 WE'LL BE BACK WITH MUSIC FROM 1133 00:36:13,314 --> 00:36:13,848 HARDY. 1134 00:36:18,686 --> 00:36:19,587 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL 1135 00:36:19,587 --> 00:36:21,055 LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 1136 00:36:21,055 --> 00:36:22,023 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. 1137 00:36:22,023 --> 00:36:26,894 THE BEST OR NOTHING. 1138 00:36:26,894 --> 00:36:28,129 >> Jimmy: WE GOT SMOKE AND 1139 00:36:28,129 --> 00:36:29,430 EVERYTHING. 1140 00:36:29,430 --> 00:36:30,598 THIS IS HIS ALBUM, IT'S CALLED 1141 00:36:30,598 --> 00:36:31,165 "A ROCK." 1142 00:36:31,165 --> 00:36:33,034 HERE WITH THE SONG "GIVE HEAVEN 1143 00:36:33,034 --> 00:36:36,471 SOME HELL," HARDY! 1144 00:36:42,376 --> 00:36:49,283 ♪ 1145 00:36:49,283 --> 00:36:50,118 ♪ CAN'T BELIEVE THAT 1146 00:36:50,118 --> 00:36:51,819 YOU GOT ME IN 1147 00:36:51,819 --> 00:36:53,387 A SUIT AND TIE ♪ 1148 00:36:53,387 --> 00:36:54,722 ♪ I HAD TO TAKE A PULL 1149 00:36:54,722 --> 00:36:56,290 SO I WOULDN'T CRY ♪ 1150 00:36:56,290 --> 00:36:57,759 ♪ YOU GOT A LINE OUT 1151 00:36:57,759 --> 00:36:58,226 THE CHURCH DOOR 1152 00:36:58,226 --> 00:37:03,631 SAYING GOODBYE ♪ 1153 00:37:03,631 --> 00:37:04,832 ♪ YEAH I BELIEVE 'EM 1154 00:37:04,832 --> 00:37:05,900 WHEN THEY SAY YOU'RE 1155 00:37:05,900 --> 00:37:07,502 IN A BETTER PLACE ♪ 1156 00:37:07,502 --> 00:37:10,271 ♪ YOU HAD A WILD SIDE 1157 00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:12,106 BUT YOU HAD AMAZING GRACE ♪ 1158 00:37:12,106 --> 00:37:13,808 ♪ I KNOW YOU'RE WAY 1159 00:37:13,808 --> 00:37:15,510 OFF UP IN THEM CLOUDS 1160 00:37:15,510 --> 00:37:15,977 BUT IF YOU CAN STILL 1161 00:37:15,977 --> 00:37:19,580 HEAR ME RIGHT NOW ♪ 1162 00:37:19,580 --> 00:37:21,516 ♪ I HOPE YOU HIT THOSE 1163 00:37:21,516 --> 00:37:22,984 GOLD STREETS ON TWO WHEELS ♪ 1164 00:37:22,984 --> 00:37:24,318 ♪ I HOPE YOUR MANSION 1165 00:37:24,318 --> 00:37:25,553 IN THE SKY'S GOT 1166 00:37:25,553 --> 00:37:26,854 A TEN‐ACRE FIELD ♪ 1167 00:37:26,854 --> 00:37:28,456 ♪ WITH SOME MUD AND 1168 00:37:28,456 --> 00:37:30,758 SOME HUBS YOU CAN LOCK IN ♪ 1169 00:37:30,758 --> 00:37:31,459 ♪ MAKE SOME THUNDER 1170 00:37:31,459 --> 00:37:31,959 MAKE THEM WONDER 1171 00:37:31,959 --> 00:37:34,162 HOW YOU GOT IN ♪ 1172 00:37:34,162 --> 00:37:35,129 ♪ HIDE YOUR BEER 1173 00:37:35,129 --> 00:37:36,097 HIDE YOUR CLEAR 1174 00:37:36,097 --> 00:37:37,298 FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS ♪ 1175 00:37:37,298 --> 00:37:38,766 ♪ CRANK IT LOUD 1176 00:37:38,766 --> 00:37:40,735 HOLD IT DOWN 1177 00:37:40,735 --> 00:37:42,170 TIL I GET THERE ♪ 1178 00:37:42,170 --> 00:37:43,137 ♪ AND WHEN I DO 1179 00:37:43,137 --> 00:37:43,604 I HOPE YOU GOT SOME 1180 00:37:43,604 --> 00:37:45,773 NEW STORIES TO TELL ♪ 1181 00:37:45,773 --> 00:37:48,709 ♪ TIL THEN 1182 00:37:48,709 --> 00:38:00,955 GIVE HEAVEN SOME HELL ♪ 1183 00:38:00,955 --> 00:38:05,593 ♪ 1184 00:38:05,593 --> 00:38:07,829 ♪ I BET YOU'RE LOOKING 1185 00:38:07,829 --> 00:38:12,433 FOR A CREW LIKE WE HAD 1186 00:38:12,433 --> 00:38:17,738 BUNCH OF NOISE‐MAKIN' BOYS 1187 00:38:17,738 --> 00:38:19,440 THAT LIKE TO LIVE FAST ♪ 1188 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,376 ♪ BURNING RUBBER 1189 00:38:22,376 --> 00:38:23,544 IN A PARKING LOT ♪ 1190 00:38:23,544 --> 00:38:25,379 ♪ MAN I DON'T KNOW 1191 00:38:25,379 --> 00:38:26,714 IF THE OTHER SIDE'S 1192 00:38:26,714 --> 00:38:27,448 READY OR NOT BUT ♪ 1193 00:38:27,448 --> 00:38:28,282 ♪ I HOPE YOU HIT 1194 00:38:28,282 --> 00:38:29,250 THOSE GOLD STREETS 1195 00:38:29,250 --> 00:38:30,351 ON TWO WHEELS ♪ 1196 00:38:30,351 --> 00:38:31,319 ♪ I HOPE YOUR MANSION 1197 00:38:31,319 --> 00:38:32,386 IN THE SKY'S GOT 1198 00:38:32,386 --> 00:38:33,354 A TEN‐ACRE FIELD ♪ 1199 00:38:33,354 --> 00:38:34,455 ♪ WITH SOME MUD AND 1200 00:38:34,455 --> 00:38:35,323 SOME HUBS YOU CAN LOCK IN ♪ 1201 00:38:35,323 --> 00:38:36,390 ♪ MAKE SOME THUNDER 1202 00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:37,258 MAKE 'EM WONDER 1203 00:38:37,258 --> 00:38:38,326 HOW YOU GOT IN ♪ 1204 00:38:38,326 --> 00:38:39,327 ♪ HIDE YOUR BEER 1205 00:38:39,327 --> 00:38:40,161 HIDE YOUR CLEAR 1206 00:38:40,161 --> 00:38:41,262 FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS ♪ 1207 00:38:41,262 --> 00:38:42,230 ♪ CRANK IT LOUD 1208 00:38:42,230 --> 00:38:43,464 HOLD IT DOWN 1209 00:38:43,464 --> 00:38:44,665 TIL I GET THERE ♪ 1210 00:38:44,665 --> 00:38:45,867 ♪ AND WHEN I DO 1211 00:38:45,867 --> 00:38:47,001 I HOPE YOU GOT SOME 1212 00:38:47,001 --> 00:38:47,935 NEW STORIES TO TELL ♪ 1213 00:38:47,935 --> 00:38:49,170 ♪ TIL THEN 1214 00:38:49,170 --> 00:38:51,806 GIVE HEAVEN SOME HELL ♪ 1215 00:38:51,806 --> 00:38:52,673 ♪ I WAS THERE WHEN 1216 00:38:52,673 --> 00:38:53,774 YOU RAISED YOUR HAND 1217 00:38:53,774 --> 00:38:55,843 HEADS BOWED 1218 00:38:55,843 --> 00:38:58,212 SINGING JUST AS I AM ♪ 1219 00:38:58,212 --> 00:39:00,281 ♪ WALKING THAT AISLE 1220 00:39:00,281 --> 00:39:01,849 PRAYING THAT PRAYER 1221 00:39:01,849 --> 00:39:03,551 MAN IT AIN'T RIGHT 1222 00:39:03,551 --> 00:39:05,987 BUT IF YOU GOTTA BE THERE ♪ 1223 00:39:05,987 --> 00:39:07,054 ♪ I HOPE YOU HIT 1224 00:39:07,054 --> 00:39:08,289 THOSE GOLD STREETS 1225 00:39:08,289 --> 00:39:10,091 ON TWO WHEELS ♪ 1226 00:39:10,091 --> 00:39:11,192 ♪ HOPE YOUR MANSION 1227 00:39:11,192 --> 00:39:12,526 IN THE SKY'S GOT 1228 00:39:12,526 --> 00:39:14,028 A TEN‐ACRE FIELD ♪ 1229 00:39:14,028 --> 00:39:16,297 ♪ WITH SOME MUD AND 1230 00:39:16,297 --> 00:39:18,232 SOME HUBS YOU CAN LOCK IN ♪ 1231 00:39:18,232 --> 00:39:19,100 ♪ MAKE SOME THUNDER 1232 00:39:19,100 --> 00:39:20,167 MAKE THEM WONDER 1233 00:39:20,167 --> 00:39:21,636 HOW YOU GOT IN ♪ 1234 00:39:21,636 --> 00:39:23,804 ♪ HIDE YOUR BEER 1235 00:39:23,804 --> 00:39:25,139 HIDE YOUR CLEAR 1236 00:39:25,139 --> 00:39:27,942 FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS ♪ 1237 00:39:27,942 --> 00:39:29,877 ♪ CRANK IT LOUD 1238 00:39:29,877 --> 00:39:33,848 HOLD IT DOWN 1239 00:39:33,848 --> 00:39:34,448 UNTIL I GET THERE ♪ 1240 00:39:34,448 --> 00:39:36,417 ♪ AND WHEN I DO 1241 00:39:36,417 --> 00:39:38,719 I HOPE YOU GOT 1242 00:39:38,719 --> 00:39:41,255 SOME NEW STORIES TO TELL ♪ 1243 00:39:41,255 --> 00:39:43,090 ♪ TIL THEN 1244 00:39:43,090 --> 00:39:45,126 GIVE HEAVEN SOME HELL ♪ 1245 00:39:45,126 --> 00:39:47,128 ♪ I WAS THERE WHEN 1246 00:39:47,128 --> 00:39:50,031 YOU RAISED YOUR HAND 1247 00:39:50,031 --> 00:39:51,132 HEADS BOWED 1248 00:39:51,132 --> 00:39:51,632 SINGING JUST AS I AM ♪ 1249 00:39:51,632 --> 00:39:52,099 ♪ MAN IT AIN'T RIGHT 1250 00:39:52,099 --> 00:39:52,566 MAN IT AIN'T FAIR 1251 00:39:52,566 --> 00:39:53,234 I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN ♪ 1252 00:39:53,234 --> 00:39:53,601 ♪ BUT TIL THEN 1253 00:39:53,601 --> 00:39:56,003 GIVE HEAVEN SOME HELL ♪ 1254 00:39:58,306 --> 00:39:59,173 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL 1255 00:39:59,173 --> 00:39:59,674 LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 1256 00:39:59,674 --> 00:40:00,241 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. 1257 00:40:00,241 --> 00:40:03,411 THE BEST OR NOTHING. 1258 00:40:06,013 --> 00:40:06,547 >> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK 1259 00:40:06,547 --> 00:40:07,415 GWYNETH PALTROW, KAL PENN, AND 1260 00:40:07,415 --> 00:40:11,852 HARDY. 1261 00:40:11,852 --> 00:40:13,454 AND FOR BRINGING ALL THE SMOKE. 1262 00:40:13,454 --> 00:40:14,021 WE HAVEN'T HAD IT IN QUITE 1263 00:40:14,021 --> 00:40:14,288 SOMETIME. 1264 00:40:14,288 --> 00:40:16,424 APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON. 1265 00:40:16,424 --> 00:40:16,991 WE RAN OUT OF TIME FOR HIM. 1266 00:40:16,991 --> 00:40:17,625 TOMORROW NIGHT, JAMIE DORNAN AND 1267 00:40:17,625 --> 00:40:18,259 JESSICA WILLIAMS WITH MUSIC FROM 1268 00:40:18,259 --> 00:40:18,759 DUSTIN LYNCH AND 1269 00:40:18,759 --> 00:40:20,561 MACKENZIE PORTER. 1270 00:40:20,561 --> 00:40:22,096 "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT. 1271 00:40:22,096 --> 00:40:23,364 THANKS FOR WATCHING, GOODNIGHT.