1 00:00:00,043 --> 00:00:02,512 >> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" WITH GUEST 2 00:00:02,512 --> 00:00:06,750 HOST NICK KROLL! TONIGHT, SETH ROGEN, 3 00:00:06,750 --> 00:00:14,391 WINSTON DUKE, AND MUSIC FROM GUCCI MANE FEATURING BIGWALKDOG. 4 00:00:14,391 --> 00:00:19,529 AND NOW, NICK KROLL! 5 00:00:19,529 --> 00:00:20,030 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 6 00:00:20,030 --> 00:00:27,037 ♪ 7 00:00:27,037 --> 00:00:34,411 >> Nick: HELLO! OH! 8 00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:36,413 HELLO. HELLO! THANK YOU SO MUCH. 9 00:00:36,413 --> 00:00:39,783 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 10 00:00:39,783 --> 00:00:43,353 HELLO AND WELCOME TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"! 11 00:00:43,353 --> 00:00:46,723 I AM YOUR GUEST HOST NICK KROLL. WOW, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK 12 00:00:46,723 --> 00:00:50,794 YOU. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING, THIS GUY IS WAY TOO 13 00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:52,362 HOT TO BE FUNNY. 14 00:00:52,362 --> 00:00:53,163 [ LAUGHTER ] 15 00:00:53,163 --> 00:00:56,666 BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE. THE TRUTH IS, I'M TOO FUNNY TO 16 00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:58,501 BE HOT. 17 00:00:58,501 --> 00:01:01,571 [ LAUGHTER ] 18 00:01:01,571 --> 00:01:05,275 I'M REALLY PSYCHED TO BE HERE. BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE MY OWN SHOW. 19 00:01:05,275 --> 00:01:05,775 IT'S CALLED "BIG MOUTH." 20 00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:06,443 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 21 00:01:06,443 --> 00:01:10,246 YEAH. JUST NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY, CURRENTLY STREAMING ON NETFLIX. 22 00:01:10,246 --> 00:01:12,983 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 23 00:01:12,983 --> 00:01:14,985 BUT I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A LOT MORE FUN TO BE THE BOSS AT 24 00:01:14,985 --> 00:01:20,624 SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOW FOR A DAY. YOU CAN REALLY MAKE PEOPLE'S 25 00:01:20,624 --> 00:01:22,859 DREAMS COME TRUE. SO I'VE BEEN UPPING THE BUDGET, 26 00:01:22,859 --> 00:01:23,560 ORDERING E‐BIKES. 27 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,662 [ LAUGHTER ] 28 00:01:25,662 --> 00:01:26,896 SKY IS THE LIMIT. 29 00:01:26,896 --> 00:01:27,864 >> HEY NICK? 30 00:01:27,864 --> 00:01:29,032 >> Nick: YES? 31 00:01:29,032 --> 00:01:30,533 >> CAN I GET A RAISE? 32 00:01:30,533 --> 00:01:34,104 >> Nick: YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT AN EXTRA 33 00:01:34,104 --> 00:01:37,507 80K? 34 00:01:37,507 --> 00:01:38,375 >> I'M JUST A P. A. 35 00:01:38,375 --> 00:01:41,578 >> Nick: LET'S JUST SAY 90K? ALL RIGHT, SOUP, LET'S DO IT. 36 00:01:41,578 --> 00:01:42,512 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 37 00:01:42,512 --> 00:01:46,883 ALL RIGHT. WHO ELSE WANTS SOMETHING? 38 00:01:46,883 --> 00:01:49,452 OH, YES. YEAH, WRITER, GO AHEAD. 39 00:01:49,452 --> 00:01:51,421 >> WAIT, HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A WRITER? 40 00:01:51,421 --> 00:01:52,455 >> Nick: JUST THE LOOK. THE GENERAL SADNESS. 41 00:01:52,455 --> 00:01:56,760 [ LAUGHTER ] 42 00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:03,101 >> I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD PARK IN JIMMY AS SPOT WHILE HE'S 43 00:02:03,101 --> 00:02:03,466 GONE. 44 00:02:03,466 --> 00:02:06,670 >> Nick: YEAH, PARK WHEREVER YOU WANT, TAKE A [ BLEEP ] ON HIS 45 00:02:06,670 --> 00:02:08,638 DESK, I DON'T CARE. CAMERON, WHAT'S GOING ON? 46 00:02:08,638 --> 00:02:10,807 >> I'M GOING TO HOOTERS. 47 00:02:10,807 --> 00:02:13,109 >> Nick: GREAT, GO TO HOOTERS. 48 00:02:13,109 --> 00:02:13,710 >> THAT WASN'T A QUESTION. 49 00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:14,310 >> Nick: GREAT. ALL RIGHT. 50 00:02:14,310 --> 00:02:16,212 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 51 00:02:16,212 --> 00:02:21,818 SORRY, JUST ‐‐ LIFT THIS BACK UP HERE. OKAY, THERE WE GO. 52 00:02:21,818 --> 00:02:24,621 [ LAUGHTER ] 53 00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:29,292 YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY ‐‐ NO, THAT'S THE FRAMING FOR THE REST 54 00:02:29,292 --> 00:02:34,130 OF THE SHOW. I HATE MY BODY, I'M MUCH MORE OF 55 00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:37,400 A HEAD GUY. THERE IT IS, OKAY. YOU KNOW, WHAT'S CRAZY, BACK IN 56 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:41,337 LIKE 2005,I APPLIED TO BE A WRITER ON THIS SHOW. 57 00:02:41,337 --> 00:02:42,305 [ CHEERS ] 58 00:02:42,305 --> 00:02:44,207 YEAH. AND THE FEEDBACK THAT WE GOT 59 00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:45,809 BACK WAS, "THESE JOKES SUCH ASS." 60 00:02:45,809 --> 00:02:49,012 [ LAUGHTER ] 61 00:02:49,012 --> 00:02:53,049 BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK THEY KIND OF HOLD UP. 62 00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,551 YOU GUYS WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR THEM, WOULD YOU? 63 00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:57,320 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 64 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:01,024 >> Nick: OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT. AGAIN, AGAIN FOLKS, THESE JOKES 65 00:03:01,024 --> 00:03:04,828 ARE FROM 2005, SO SOME OF THEM MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE BIT DATED. 66 00:03:04,828 --> 00:03:10,166 LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE. "DURING LAST WEEK'S 67 00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:15,438 HURRICANE KATRINA TELETHON, KANYE WEST SAID GEORGE BUSH 68 00:03:15,438 --> 00:03:17,407 DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, AND HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 69 00:03:17,407 --> 00:03:20,643 THERE WILL NEVER BE A DUMBER, MORE RACIST PRESIDENT THAN 70 00:03:20,643 --> 00:03:23,079 GEORGE W. BUSH, EVER." 71 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:28,985 [ LAUGHTER ] 72 00:03:28,985 --> 00:03:29,319 [ APPLAUSE ] 73 00:03:29,319 --> 00:03:30,620 I MEAN, WHAT'S CRAZY IS LIKE, THEN WE HAVE BARACK OBAMA. 74 00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:33,890 [ LAUGHTER ] 75 00:03:33,890 --> 00:03:34,758 I DON'T KNOW, SHOULD I DO ANOTHER ONE? 76 00:03:34,758 --> 00:03:35,825 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 77 00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:40,897 OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE. 78 00:03:40,897 --> 00:03:45,168 "BRITNEY SPEARS RECENTLY CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR. 79 00:03:45,168 --> 00:03:50,440 BOY, BRITNEY'S DAD NEEDS TO HIDE 80 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:55,145 HIS FLOWBEE BETTER, THEN FREEZE HER BANK ACCOUNTS, AND GENERALLY 81 00:03:55,145 --> 00:03:57,113 RESTRICT ALL HER PERSONAL FREEDOMS FOR ALMOST TWO DECADES." 82 00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:57,881 [ LAUGHTER ] 83 00:03:57,881 --> 00:04:02,018 WELL, THE JOKE'S ON KIMMEL, BECAUSE HERE I AM, 16 YEARS 84 00:04:02,018 --> 00:04:03,253 LATER, AND I AM HOSTING HIS SHOW! 85 00:04:03,253 --> 00:04:09,859 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 86 00:04:09,859 --> 00:04:11,528 THIS IS INTERESTING. YOU GUYS SEE THIS? 87 00:04:11,528 --> 00:04:12,395 THIS IS INTERESTING. YOU GUYS SEE THIS? 88 00:04:12,395 --> 00:04:17,834 [ LAUGHTER ] 89 00:04:17,834 --> 00:04:21,871 NEXT WEEK, AMAZON FOUNDER AND WEIRDLY JACKED BILLIONAIRE JEFF 90 00:04:21,871 --> 00:04:25,141 BEZOS IS GOING TO SPACE. THE FLIGHT WILL ONLY LAST ABOUT 91 00:04:25,141 --> 00:04:29,179 10 MINUTES, BUT IT'S STILL THE LONGEST BREAK THAT ANY AMAZON 92 00:04:29,179 --> 00:04:32,015 EMPLOYEE HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN. 93 00:04:32,015 --> 00:04:34,951 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 94 00:04:34,951 --> 00:04:36,719 YEAH. YEAH. SPEAKING OF PEOPLE THAT I WOULD 95 00:04:36,719 --> 00:04:39,756 LIKE TO SEND TO SPACE. DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS? 96 00:04:39,756 --> 00:04:41,457 THIS IS INTERESTING. YOU GUYS ‐‐ THIS IS INTERESTING, 97 00:04:41,457 --> 00:04:41,858 YOU GUYS SEE THIS? 98 00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:48,898 [ LAUGHTER ] 99 00:04:48,898 --> 00:04:50,166 FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND PIECE OF HUMAN [ BLEEP ], I'M SORRY, 100 00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:50,667 ALLEGED PIECE OF HUMAN 101 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:51,401 [ BLEEP ], MATT GAETZ WAS IN 102 00:04:51,401 --> 00:04:52,669 TOWN THIS WEEK, TO RAISE MONEY IN THE FIGHT AGAINST 103 00:04:52,669 --> 00:04:54,804 HOMELESSNESS. JUST KIDDING, HE WENT TO A FREE 104 00:04:54,804 --> 00:04:58,575 BRITNEY RALLY. 105 00:04:58,575 --> 00:05:03,947 >> BRITNEY'S BEEN ABUSED BY THE MEDIA, SHE'S BEEN ABUSED BY A 106 00:05:03,947 --> 00:05:08,818 GRIFTER E EER FATHER, SHE'S BE ABUSED BY THE AMERICAN JUSTICE 107 00:05:08,818 --> 00:05:11,955 SYSTEM. WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER AND 108 00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:14,824 CREATE A FEDERAL CAUSE OF ACTION, A FEDERAL CHANGE IN LAW 109 00:05:14,824 --> 00:05:18,728 THAT WILL FREE BRITNEY AND THE MILLIONS OF AMERICANS IMPACTED 110 00:05:18,728 --> 00:05:22,198 BY A CORRUPT GUARDIANSHIP SYSTEM THAT EMPOWERS PEOPLE TO TAKE 111 00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:22,699 ADVANTAGE OF THE WEEK. 112 00:05:22,699 --> 00:05:25,435 >> Nick: AT FIRST I WAS IMPRESSED THAT MATT GAETZ WAS ON 113 00:05:25,435 --> 00:05:28,805 THE RIGHT SIDE OF AN ISSUE, BUT THEN I WAS BUMMED OUT WE WERE 114 00:05:28,805 --> 00:05:30,673 WEARING ALMOST THE SAME EXACT SUIT. 115 00:05:30,673 --> 00:05:31,107 [ LAUGHTER ] 116 00:05:31,107 --> 00:05:35,511 NOW I REALIZE HE WAS ONLY THERE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA 117 00:05:35,511 --> 00:05:37,881 GET A "FREE BRITNEY." 118 00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:40,250 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 119 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:41,517 I JUST LOVE THAT THE GUY WHO'S BEEN ACCUSED OF SEX TRAFFICKING 120 00:05:41,517 --> 00:05:42,752 A MINOR IS SUDDENLY AN ADVOCATE FOR TROUBLED CHILDREN GETTING 121 00:05:42,752 --> 00:05:43,586 LESS SUPERVISION. 122 00:05:43,586 --> 00:05:45,755 [ LAUGHTER ] 123 00:05:45,755 --> 00:05:48,791 HAVE ANY OF YOU BEEN WATCHING "SHARK WEEK"? 124 00:05:48,791 --> 00:05:50,994 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 125 00:05:50,994 --> 00:05:56,499 WELL, THIS IS INTERESTING. DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS? 126 00:05:56,499 --> 00:05:56,933 THIS IS INTERESTING. 127 00:05:56,933 --> 00:06:00,069 [ LAUGHTER ] 128 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:03,573 ACCORDING TO THE "WASHINGTON POST," THIS IS INTERESTING ‐‐ 129 00:06:03,573 --> 00:06:05,308 [ LAUGHTER ] 130 00:06:05,308 --> 00:06:06,542 "AUSTRALIANS WANT TO REBRAND SHARK ATTACKS AS 'NEGATIVE 131 00:06:06,542 --> 00:06:08,244 ENCOUNTERS.'" SOME AUSTRALIAN OFFICIALS HAVE 132 00:06:08,244 --> 00:06:13,750 STARTED REFERRING TO SHARK ATTACKS WITH NEUTRAL WORDS LIKE 133 00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:16,019 "INCIDENTS" AND "INTERACTIONS." LOOK. 134 00:06:16,019 --> 00:06:19,989 THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TACKLE A SNOWFLAKE STORY LIKE THIS, WITH 135 00:06:19,989 --> 00:06:22,625 MY SOON‐TO‐BE CLASSIC SEGMENT, "KROLL ME A RIVER." 136 00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:27,664 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 137 00:06:27,664 --> 00:06:29,899 WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENED, FOLKS. 138 00:06:29,899 --> 00:06:33,403 THE COASTAL JUSTICE WARRIORS ARE 139 00:06:33,403 --> 00:06:41,311 TRYING TO PC THE SEVEN SEAS. BUT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'M 140 00:06:41,311 --> 00:06:42,512 OLD‐SCHOOL. BUT BACK IN MY DAY, SHARKS WERE 141 00:06:42,512 --> 00:06:44,847 SHARKS. WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO? 142 00:06:44,847 --> 00:06:49,986 FILE DOWN THEIR TEETH AND ASK FOR CONSENT? 143 00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:52,488 CONTROL KROL ME A RIVER! 144 00:06:52,488 --> 00:06:52,989 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 145 00:06:52,989 --> 00:06:56,259 WHEN JAWS WAS GOBBLING UP HORNY SKINNY‐DIPPERS, WE DIDN'T SAY, 146 00:06:56,259 --> 00:07:00,063 "UM, EXCUSE ME, TIME TO CHECK YOUR GREAT WHITE PRIVILEGE!" 147 00:07:00,063 --> 00:07:00,530 [ LAUGHTER ] 148 00:07:00,530 --> 00:07:03,166 WE SAID, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!" OKAY? 149 00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:04,434 [ LAUGHTER ] 150 00:07:04,434 --> 00:07:10,173 I CAN HEAR THE LOONY LIBERALS NOW, "YOU'RE JUST PERPETUATING 151 00:07:10,173 --> 00:07:13,409 SHARK STEREOTYPES, WE CAN'T MAKE OTHER SPECIES FEEL OTHERED!" 152 00:07:13,409 --> 00:07:15,011 KROLL ME A RIVER! 153 00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:21,050 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 154 00:07:21,050 --> 00:07:22,986 AND IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO WRITE IN AND SAY, "AQUATIC CARNIVORES ARE 155 00:07:22,986 --> 00:07:30,493 CANCELED!" SPARE ME! OKAY? THESE SHARKS ARE PREDATORS JUST 156 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:33,162 LIKE MY FRIEND AND ALLEGED PIECE OF HUMAN [ BLEEP ], MATT GAETZ, 157 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:35,365 AND PROUD OF IT. 158 00:07:35,365 --> 00:07:38,901 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 159 00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:44,040 OKAY? SO LET'S NOT TURN SHARK WEEK 160 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,174 INTO SHARK WEAK. GET OUT OF HERE AND KROLL ME A 161 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,410 RIVER! 162 00:07:47,410 --> 00:07:55,218 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 163 00:07:55,218 --> 00:07:59,322 HEY, WRITER. HEY, WRITER. THIS WOULD BE A GREAT SEGMENT 164 00:07:59,322 --> 00:08:00,323 FOR MY GUTFELD PACKET, RIGHT? 165 00:08:00,323 --> 00:08:01,991 [ LAUGHTER ] 166 00:08:01,991 --> 00:08:04,794 OKAY, ONE MORE THING. AS I SAID, I'M TRYING TO MAKE 167 00:08:04,794 --> 00:08:09,432 DREAMS COME TRUE WHILE I'M HERE. AND TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO GRANT 168 00:08:09,432 --> 00:08:10,333 A WISH TO ONE EXTRA‐SPECIAL 169 00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:17,874 LITTLE GUY. 170 00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:19,442 [ KNOCKING ] 171 00:08:19,442 --> 00:08:20,143 >> Nick: COME IN. 172 00:08:20,143 --> 00:08:22,845 >> MR. NICK, HOW YOU DOING? 173 00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:23,713 >> Nick: COME IN, MAN. 174 00:08:23,713 --> 00:08:26,082 >> I'M EXCITED YOU'RE GUEST HOSTING THE SHOW. 175 00:08:26,082 --> 00:08:26,883 >> Nick: ME TOO. 176 00:08:26,883 --> 00:08:28,217 >> I WANT TO ASK A FAVOR. 177 00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,085 >> Nick: SURE, ANYTHING. 178 00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:30,520 >> CAN YOU PUT ME IN THE SHOW? 179 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,256 >> Nick: OH, I THINK ‐‐ I THINK YOU'RE ON THE SHOW. 180 00:08:33,256 --> 00:08:34,824 YOU'RE LIKE ON THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT. 181 00:08:34,824 --> 00:08:37,727 >> YEAH, BUT I WANT TO DO STANDUP COMEDY LIKE YOU. 182 00:08:37,727 --> 00:08:38,061 >> Nick: OH! 183 00:08:38,061 --> 00:08:39,829 >> YEAH, I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME. 184 00:08:39,829 --> 00:08:41,898 >> Nick: YOU LIKE ‐‐ DO YOU LIKE MY STANDUP? 185 00:08:41,898 --> 00:08:42,432 >> YEAH. 186 00:08:42,432 --> 00:08:44,267 >> Nick: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BIT OF MINE? 187 00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:45,802 >> OH. OH, EVERYTHING. 188 00:08:45,802 --> 00:08:48,805 >> Nick: YEAH, YOU HAVEN'T ACTUALLY EVER SEEN MY STANDUP, 189 00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:49,372 HAVE YOU? 190 00:08:49,372 --> 00:08:52,175 >> NO, TO BE HONEST, NO. THEY TOLD ME YOU'RE VERY FUNNY. 191 00:08:52,175 --> 00:08:55,445 >> Nick: OH, THAT'S SO NICE OF THEM. COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN AND 192 00:08:55,445 --> 00:08:58,681 WE'LL TALK. WHAT KIND OF COMIC DO YOU SEE 193 00:08:58,681 --> 00:08:59,082 YOURSELF AS? 194 00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:00,950 >> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW. 195 00:09:00,950 --> 00:09:01,951 >> Nick: DO YOU LIKE YOUR MOTHER‐IN‐LAW? 196 00:09:01,951 --> 00:09:02,785 >> NO, I DON'T LIKE MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW. 197 00:09:02,785 --> 00:09:05,788 [ LAUGHTER ] 198 00:09:05,788 --> 00:09:06,656 NO, SHE'S TERRIBLE. 199 00:09:06,656 --> 00:09:08,491 >> Nick: OKAY. LET ME GIVE YOU A MIC. 200 00:09:08,491 --> 00:09:10,359 USE MY BRUSH IF THAT'S OKAY. 201 00:09:10,359 --> 00:09:10,726 >> ALL RIGHT. 202 00:09:10,726 --> 00:09:12,495 >> Nick: YEAH, SO THEN ‐‐ 203 00:09:12,495 --> 00:09:12,929 >> ALL RIGHT. 204 00:09:12,929 --> 00:09:14,931 >> Nick: OKAY. 205 00:09:14,931 --> 00:09:17,200 >> SO I SAY, HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING? 206 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,801 >> Nick: YEAH, WHOO! 207 00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:22,472 >> GOOD, LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE A MOTHER‐IN‐LAW. 208 00:09:22,472 --> 00:09:23,940 >> Nick: WHOO! BOO! 209 00:09:23,940 --> 00:09:24,574 >> BUT I DO. 210 00:09:24,574 --> 00:09:26,075 >> Nick: TELL US ABOUT HER! 211 00:09:26,075 --> 00:09:29,645 >> OH, MY HOERLTD IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. 212 00:09:29,645 --> 00:09:30,680 >> Nick: YEAH. GREAT. 213 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,048 >> THEN I KEEP GOING? 214 00:09:32,048 --> 00:09:37,053 >> Nick: RIGHT. YOU TALK ABOUT SOME EXAMPLES. 215 00:09:37,053 --> 00:09:39,021 WHAT WAS ‐‐ WHAT HAPPENED ‐‐ DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU 216 00:09:39,021 --> 00:09:39,822 MET YOUR MOTHER‐IN‐LAW? 217 00:09:39,822 --> 00:09:42,592 >> OH MY GOD, I WAS SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW. 218 00:09:42,592 --> 00:09:44,994 I THINK I HAD TWO SHOT OF TEQUILA. 219 00:09:44,994 --> 00:09:50,867 BUT I THINK I OVER ‐‐ OVERDRINK? NOT TWO, MAYBE THREE OR FOUR? 220 00:09:50,867 --> 00:09:51,934 >> Nick: YEAH, YEAH. 221 00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:55,238 >> AND I PEED HER SHOES. 222 00:09:55,238 --> 00:09:57,073 >> Nick: YOU PEED ON HER SHOES? 223 00:09:57,073 --> 00:09:58,241 >> ON HER CLOSET. 224 00:09:58,241 --> 00:09:58,574 >> Nick: OKAY. 225 00:09:58,574 --> 00:10:00,676 >> SO I ASKED HER, WHERE'S THE RESTROOM? 226 00:10:00,676 --> 00:10:04,614 SHE GOES, OH, IT'S OVER THERE. BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT OVER 227 00:10:04,614 --> 00:10:08,885 THERE, I'M JUST GOING TO PEE OFF HERE, AND I CLOSED THE DOOR. 228 00:10:08,885 --> 00:10:11,354 SINCE THAT TIME, ME AND HER ‐‐ 229 00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:14,957 >> Nick: WOW, SHE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL DIFFICULT WOMAN THAT YOU 230 00:10:14,957 --> 00:10:17,293 PEED ON HER SHOES AND SHE WAS ANGRY AT YOU FOR IT. 231 00:10:17,293 --> 00:10:20,229 >> SINCE THAT TIME SHE'S BEEN MAD AT ME. 232 00:10:20,229 --> 00:10:22,064 >> Nick: CAN I ASK A FOLLOW‐UP QUESTION? 233 00:10:22,064 --> 00:10:26,869 IS THAT THE FIRST TIME OR ONLY TIME YOU'VE PEED ‐‐ NOT MADE TO 234 00:10:26,869 --> 00:10:27,470 IT THE BATHROOM TO PEE? 235 00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:29,038 >> OH, IN MY BED. 236 00:10:29,038 --> 00:10:29,539 [ LAUGHTER ] 237 00:10:29,539 --> 00:10:31,407 LISTEN, ONE TIME I WAS SO DRUNK. 238 00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:32,141 >> Nick: HOW DRUNK WERE YOU? 239 00:10:32,141 --> 00:10:35,178 >> I WAS SO DRUNK. AND I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING 240 00:10:35,178 --> 00:10:39,216 THAT I WAS PEEING IN THE RESTROOM, BUT I WAS PEEING MY 241 00:10:39,216 --> 00:10:39,549 PANTS. 242 00:10:39,549 --> 00:10:41,083 >> Nick: YEAH. I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE 243 00:10:41,083 --> 00:10:44,320 TALKING TO ME ABOUT STANDUP, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD MAYBE BE 244 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,123 TALKING TO A UROLOGIST. 245 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:46,456 [ LAUGHTER ] 246 00:10:46,456 --> 00:10:46,789 >> OKAY. 247 00:10:46,789 --> 00:10:50,793 >> Nick: THAT'S A GOOD START. DO YOU HAVE ANY JOKES PREPARED? 248 00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:51,627 DID YOU WRITE AHEAD OF TIME? 249 00:10:51,627 --> 00:10:55,364 >> I WROTE ONE JOKE. OKAY. SO ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DON'T 250 00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:56,465 HAVE THE PUNCHLINE, YOU KNOW? 251 00:10:56,465 --> 00:10:59,468 >> Nick: OKAY, THAT'S WHAT COMEDIANS DO FOR EACH OTHER, WE 252 00:10:59,468 --> 00:11:01,304 HELP EACH OTHER COME UP WITH PUNCHLINES. 253 00:11:01,304 --> 00:11:03,607 >> OH, OKAY. HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS 254 00:11:03,607 --> 00:11:03,940 DOING? 255 00:11:03,940 --> 00:11:06,409 >> Nick: GREAT. BY THE WAY, I WOULD SUGGEST 256 00:11:06,409 --> 00:11:10,980 EVERY JOKE START WITH "HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING?" 257 00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:11,414 [ LAUGHTER ] 258 00:11:11,414 --> 00:11:12,915 EVEN IF YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SET. 259 00:11:12,915 --> 00:11:17,620 AFTER EVERY JOKE, YOU RESET, AT‐ 260 00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:21,324 "HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS COG?" 261 00:11:21,324 --> 00:11:23,659 >> HI, EVERYONE, HOW YOU GUYS DOING? GOOD. 262 00:11:23,659 --> 00:11:26,162 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS WON'T GET THE VACCINE. 263 00:11:26,162 --> 00:11:27,430 >> Nick: UH‐HUH? 264 00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:31,167 >> YOU KNOW, BUT IF I TELL YOU GUYS, OKAY, LISTEN, IF YOU GET 265 00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:33,603 THE VACCINE, WE'LL GIVE YOU A GREEN JUICE. 266 00:11:33,603 --> 00:11:34,670 >> Nick: A GREEN JUICE? 267 00:11:34,670 --> 00:11:36,205 >> YEAH. 268 00:11:36,205 --> 00:11:37,139 [ LAUGHTER ] 269 00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:37,673 >> Nick: OKAY. 270 00:11:37,673 --> 00:11:40,109 >> NOW, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE VACCINES FOR EVERYTHING. 271 00:11:40,109 --> 00:11:41,944 THEY HAVE FOR ‐‐ 272 00:11:41,944 --> 00:11:47,183 >> Nick: MAYBE THE PUNCHLINE ‐‐ THIS WOULD BE WHAT THEY CALL A 273 00:11:47,183 --> 00:11:50,686 CALLBACK. "THEY MAKE VACCINES FOR EVERYTHING, I WISH THEY MADE A 274 00:11:50,686 --> 00:11:53,489 VACCINE FOR PEEING ON MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW'S SHOES. 275 00:11:53,489 --> 00:11:54,591 >> OH, OKAY. 276 00:11:54,591 --> 00:11:54,924 [ LAUGHTER ] 277 00:11:54,924 --> 00:11:55,491 YOU'RE VERY FUNNY. 278 00:11:55,491 --> 00:11:56,359 >> Nick: THANKS. I'M A STANDUP COMEDIAN. 279 00:11:56,359 --> 00:11:59,829 [ LAUGHTER ] 280 00:11:59,829 --> 00:12:01,831 SO I THINK THIS HAS GONE PRETTY WELL. 281 00:12:01,831 --> 00:12:04,333 I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GONE THROUGH A COUPLE JOKES. 282 00:12:04,333 --> 00:12:04,834 >> YEAH. 283 00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:07,236 >> Nick: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE READY TO OPEN UP FOR ME 284 00:12:07,236 --> 00:12:11,540 ON MY TOUR THIS FALL, BUT I DO STANDUP ON KIMMEL.ADY TO DO ‐ 285 00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:13,576 BECAUSE I'M ONLY HOSTING FOR ONE NIGHT, SO I DON'T REALLY GIVE A 286 00:12:13,576 --> 00:12:14,176 [ BLEEP ]. 287 00:12:14,176 --> 00:12:17,179 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 288 00:12:17,179 --> 00:12:20,816 >> Nick: OKAY! YOU KNOW OUR NEXT COME TRICK HIS 289 00:12:20,816 --> 00:12:24,320 WORK ON "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE." MAKING HIS STANDUP COMEDY DEBUT, 290 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:29,191 PLEASE WELCOME GUILLERMO "HOT ROD" RODRIGUEZ! 291 00:12:29,191 --> 00:12:29,692 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 292 00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:39,268 ♪ 293 00:12:39,268 --> 00:12:42,305 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 294 00:12:42,305 --> 00:12:43,406 >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 295 00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:44,173 HI, EVERYBODY! HOW YOU GUYS DOING? 296 00:12:44,173 --> 00:12:48,077 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 297 00:12:48,077 --> 00:12:49,145 LISTEN. I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING 298 00:12:49,145 --> 00:12:49,912 ABOUT MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW. 299 00:12:49,912 --> 00:12:51,614 [ LAUGHTER ] 300 00:12:51,614 --> 00:12:54,484 MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW IS LIKE DIARRHEA. 301 00:12:54,484 --> 00:12:54,817 [ LAUGHTER ] 302 00:12:54,817 --> 00:13:00,623 OKAY? SHE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS. SHE KEEPS COMING AND COMING, AND 303 00:13:00,623 --> 00:13:03,025 YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GOING TO COME BACK. IT'S TERRIBLE. 304 00:13:03,025 --> 00:13:09,300 IT'S MISERABLE. OKAY? HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS 305 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:09,665 DOING? 306 00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:14,236 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 307 00:13:14,236 --> 00:13:20,242 LISTEN. SUMMER IS HERE. AND MOST OF THE LADIES, THEY 308 00:13:20,242 --> 00:13:22,478 WANT TO GET READY, LIKE BIKINI READY, YOU KNOW. 309 00:13:22,478 --> 00:13:25,815 THE GUYS, THEY WANT TO HIRE A TRAINER, YOU KNOW, TO BE ALL 310 00:13:25,815 --> 00:13:28,651 BUFF AND EVERYTHING. BUT I THINK THAT'S THE DUMBEST 311 00:13:28,651 --> 00:13:33,289 IDEA, YOU KNOW? pHIRE A TRAININGY SO YOU CAN ‐‐ THEY CAN MAKE YOU 312 00:13:33,289 --> 00:13:37,159 TIRED. YOU KNOW, THAT'S BRUTAL. THAT'S TERRIBLE. YOU KNOW? 313 00:13:37,159 --> 00:13:43,432 IN MY CASE, I WOULD SPEND THE MONEY ON BEERS, ON HOT CHEETOS, 314 00:13:43,432 --> 00:13:45,901 WHO DOESN'T LOVE HOT CHEETOS? 315 00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:46,402 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 316 00:13:46,402 --> 00:13:48,738 YEAH, YEAH. IF I HAVE SOME MONEY LEFT, I 317 00:13:48,738 --> 00:13:49,338 WILL BUY SOME WEED, YOU KNOW? 318 00:13:49,338 --> 00:13:55,511 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 319 00:13:55,511 --> 00:13:58,848 I'LL STILL BE TIRED. UNCOMFORTABLE. 320 00:13:58,848 --> 00:13:59,281 BUT I WILL BE HAPPY. 321 00:13:59,281 --> 00:14:00,750 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 322 00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:02,518 HI EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING? 323 00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:08,691 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 324 00:14:08,691 --> 00:14:11,394 LISTEN. THIS HAPPENED TO ME ALL THE TIME. 325 00:14:11,394 --> 00:14:14,964 OKAY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHITE PEOPLE. 326 00:14:14,964 --> 00:14:19,535 WHEN THEY GO TO A STARBUCKS AND I TELL MY NAME, THEY ALWAYS 327 00:14:19,535 --> 00:14:26,475 MISSPELL IT OR THEY CANNOT PRONUNCIATE MY NAME. 328 00:14:26,475 --> 00:14:30,613 MY NAME IS GUILLERMO, AND THEY CALL ME GUYERMO. 329 00:14:30,613 --> 00:14:33,582 I DECIDED TO GIVE THEM A WHITE PEOPLE'S NAME, YOU KNOW? 330 00:14:33,582 --> 00:14:35,017 SO NOW I'M PRINCE CHARLES, FROM NOW ON. 331 00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:37,486 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 332 00:14:37,486 --> 00:14:40,890 THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THAT'S ALL THE TIME I HAVE. 333 00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,491 I'LL SEE YOU AT STARBUCKS! 334 00:14:42,491 --> 00:14:43,893 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 335 00:14:43,893 --> 00:14:47,797 >> Nick: YES! THANK YOU. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 336 00:14:47,797 --> 00:14:49,598 TONIGHT. WINSTON DUKE IS HERE. 337 00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:52,301 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 338 00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,770 WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM GUCCI MANE WITH BIG WALK DOG. 339 00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:59,642 AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SETH ROGEN. 340 00:14:59,642 --> 00:15:01,510 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 341 00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:03,446 ♪ 342 00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:07,950 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 343 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:19,495 ♪ 344 00:15:19,495 --> 00:15:20,529 >> Nick: ALL RIGHT! WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL 345 00:15:20,529 --> 00:15:23,566 LIVE." I'M NICK KROLL. TONIGHT, FROM THE NEW FILM 346 00:15:23,566 --> 00:15:25,134 "NINE DAYS," WINSTON DUKE IS HERE. 347 00:15:25,134 --> 00:15:28,070 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 348 00:15:28,070 --> 00:15:31,807 AND THEN HIS LATEST ALBUM IS CALLED "ICE DADDY," MUSIC FROM 349 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,008 GUCCI MANE FEATURING BIGWALKDOG. 350 00:15:33,008 --> 00:15:35,411 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 351 00:15:35,411 --> 00:15:37,646 MAKE SURE TO WATCH "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE NBA FINALS 352 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,649 GAME NIGHT" IN PRIMETIME TOMORROW NIGHT TOO, WITH 353 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:43,452 ANTHONY ANDERSON AND HIS GUEST, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER. 354 00:15:43,452 --> 00:15:48,657 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 355 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:51,794 OUR FIRST GUEST IS A MULTI‐TALENTED WRITER, ACTOR, 356 00:15:51,794 --> 00:15:55,197 DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, ONE OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET, 357 00:15:55,197 --> 00:15:57,733 AND HE'S ALMOST LIKE A FRIEND TO ME. 358 00:15:57,733 --> 00:15:59,168 [ LAUGHTER ] 359 00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:00,936 HIS LATEST VENTURE IS A PURPLE STRAIN PASSION PROJECT CALLED 360 00:16:00,936 --> 00:16:03,706 "HOUSEPLANT." YOU CAN ORDER THEIR PRODUCTS AT 361 00:16:03,706 --> 00:16:11,680 HOUSEPLANT.COM. PLEASE WELCOME SETH ROGEN. 362 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:12,181 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 363 00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:27,296 ♪ 364 00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:27,630 >> Nick: YES! 365 00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:29,131 >> WE DID IT! 366 00:16:29,131 --> 00:16:35,871 >> Nick: 7th! 367 00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:38,908 SETH, THANKS FOR BEING ON THE SHOW. 368 00:16:38,908 --> 00:16:40,709 >> GREAT SHOW SO FAR, YOU'RE DOING WONDERFUL. 369 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,479 >> Nick: DID YOU GO FOR A RUN BEFORE THE SHOW? 370 00:16:43,479 --> 00:16:46,348 >> YES, AS YOU CAN SEE, THESE HAVE NEVER BEEN WORN BEFORE THIS 371 00:16:46,348 --> 00:16:46,749 MOMENT, SO NO. 372 00:16:46,749 --> 00:16:47,983 >> Nick: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY NOMINATION. 373 00:16:47,983 --> 00:16:48,317 >> THANK YOU. 374 00:16:48,317 --> 00:16:52,321 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 375 00:16:52,321 --> 00:16:54,857 >> Nick: IN FACT, FIVE NOMINATIONS FOR "THE BOYS." 376 00:16:54,857 --> 00:16:58,527 >> FOR "THE BOYS," YES. VERY EXCITING. 377 00:16:58,527 --> 00:16:59,461 CONGRATS ON YOURS AS WELL. 378 00:16:59,461 --> 00:17:00,062 >> Nick: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 379 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,931 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 380 00:17:01,931 --> 00:17:04,300 FIVE NOMINATIONS, INCLUDING OUTSTANDING DRAMA. 381 00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:04,934 >> YEAH. 382 00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:07,870 >> Nick: AND YOU'RE, WHAT, DID YOU WRITE IT? OR ARE YOU JUST ‐‐ 383 00:17:07,870 --> 00:17:13,576 >> I PRODUCE THE SHOW. I BET A LOT OF THE CAST WAS 384 00:17:13,576 --> 00:17:17,580 LIKE, WOW, SETH ROGEN'S PRETTY STRONG. 385 00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:21,050 YEAH, ME AND EVAN SAW IT IN THE COMIC BOOKSTORES, WE BOUGHT IT, 386 00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:24,653 WE'RE LIKE, THIS SHOULD BE A TV SHOW. AROUND A DECADE LATER, THEY 387 00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:27,089 FINALLY LET US TURN IT INTO ONE. YEAH, IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE 388 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,392 FIRST SHOWS NOMINATED FOR BEST DRAMA THAT FEATURES A CHARACTER 389 00:17:30,392 --> 00:17:34,597 WITH A TEN‐FOOT [ BLEEP ], I WOULD IMAGINE. 390 00:17:34,597 --> 00:17:34,930 [ LAUGHTER ] 391 00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:37,266 THAT'S A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, I'M SURE. 392 00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:38,801 >> Nick: YEAH. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR 393 00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:39,835 AN EMMY BEFORE? 394 00:17:39,835 --> 00:17:46,275 >> YEAH, 15 YEARS AGO I WAS NOMINATED AS A WRITER FOR "THE 395 00:17:46,275 --> 00:17:47,676 ALI G. SHOW." 396 00:17:47,676 --> 00:17:48,143 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 397 00:17:48,143 --> 00:17:48,911 >> Nick: WERE YOU ALI G.? 398 00:17:48,911 --> 00:17:52,481 >> YEAH, EXACTLY, I'M ALI G. YEAH, NO. 399 00:17:52,481 --> 00:17:54,783 YEAH, AND WE LOST TO "THE DAILY SHOW." 400 00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,150 >> Nick: YES. 401 00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:59,989 >> AND I ASSUME WE'LL LOSE AGAIN TO SOME OTHER [ BLEEP ] SHOW 402 00:17:59,989 --> 00:18:03,626 THAT PEOPLE RESPECT MORE THAN OURS, I WOULD IMAGINE. 403 00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:03,959 [ LAUGHTER ] 404 00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:04,827 >> Nick: SO HERE WE ARE. 405 00:18:04,827 --> 00:18:05,928 >> HERE WE ARE. 406 00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,329 >> Nick: I'M LOOKING DOWN AT MY CARD. 407 00:18:07,329 --> 00:18:08,530 >> ALLOW ME FOR A MOMENT. 408 00:18:08,530 --> 00:18:10,666 >> Nick: YES. 409 00:18:10,666 --> 00:18:14,503 >> HONESTLY, I POSED SOMETHING ON THE SHOW WHEN THEY CALLED FOR 410 00:18:14,503 --> 00:18:16,905 MY PREINTERVIEW. THE TRUTH IS I HAVE A STORY I'VE 411 00:18:16,905 --> 00:18:20,275 BEEN TRYING TO TELL ON A TALK SHOW FOR LIKE SEVEN YEARS. 412 00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:21,110 >> Nick: YEAH? 413 00:18:21,110 --> 00:18:21,443 [ LAUGHTER ] 414 00:18:21,443 --> 00:18:25,581 >> I'M SORRY TO RUIN THE ILLUSION, BUT WE DO 415 00:18:25,581 --> 00:18:28,517 PREINTERVIEWS. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUNNY STORIES? 416 00:18:28,517 --> 00:18:31,053 FOR SEVEN YEARS, "I GOT A 417 00:18:31,053 --> 00:18:33,489 [ BLEEP ] HILARIOUS STORY." 418 00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:36,392 I PROCEED TO TELL THE STORY, THEY SEEM TO FIND IT FUNNY. 419 00:18:36,392 --> 00:18:39,428 I SHOW UP AT THE TALK SHOW, THEY GIVE ME THE THINGS TO TALK 420 00:18:39,428 --> 00:18:41,230 ABOUT, SORRY TO RUIN THE ILLUSION. 421 00:18:41,230 --> 00:18:44,433 AND MY STORY IS NEVER ON IT. AND I'M ALWAYS LIKE ‐‐ I JUST 422 00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:46,635 WANT TO TELL THE STORY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 423 00:18:46,635 --> 00:18:50,739 WHEN THEY CALLED FOR MY PREINTERVIEW, I'M FRIENDS WITH 424 00:18:50,739 --> 00:18:54,510 NICK, ILABOUT NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER, I'M GOING TO TELL THIS 425 00:18:54,510 --> 00:18:55,110 [ BLEEP ] STORY THAT I'VE BEEN 426 00:18:55,110 --> 00:18:59,081 WANTING TO TELL! 427 00:18:59,081 --> 00:18:59,581 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 428 00:18:59,581 --> 00:19:03,852 SO, AROUND SEVEN YEARS AGO, I WAS AT MY FRIEND'S HOUSE. 429 00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:08,657 AND HE HAS A LITTLE DOG THAT I HAVE KNOWN SINCE HE GOT IT. 430 00:19:08,657 --> 00:19:11,727 THE DOG WAS AROUND 4 YEARS OLD, MAYBE, AT THIS POINT. 431 00:19:11,727 --> 00:19:15,864 AND I LOVED THIS DOG. I'M A DOG PERSON, I LOVE DOGS, 432 00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:19,001 I'M INTO DOGS. THE DOG'S A LITTLE HYPER, BUT ME 433 00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:21,036 AND THIS DOG HAVE HAD A GOOD THING. 434 00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:21,537 >> Nick: GREAT. 435 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:24,173 >> SO MY FRIEND GOES INTO THE OTHER ROOM. 436 00:19:24,173 --> 00:19:26,475 HE'S IN THE KITCHEN GETTING US DRINKS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 437 00:19:26,475 --> 00:19:29,745 AND I'M IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH HIS DOG. 438 00:19:29,745 --> 00:19:33,782 JUST KIND OF PLAYING WITH HIS DOG. PETTING HIS DOG'S HEAD, 439 00:19:33,782 --> 00:19:37,319 SCRATCHING HIS DOG BEHIND THE EAR. AND OUT OF NOWHERE, HIS DOG, 440 00:19:37,319 --> 00:19:40,456 LIKE, SNAPS AT ME. AND, LIKE, BARKS. 441 00:19:40,456 --> 00:19:46,195 I'M LIKE, [ BLEEP ]. I SCREAM. AND MY FRIEND INSTANTLY, FROM 442 00:19:46,195 --> 00:19:49,665 THE KITCHEN, HAVING NOT SEEN WHAT HAPPENED, JUST HAVING HEARD 443 00:19:49,665 --> 00:19:54,336 IT, SCREAMS AT ME, FURIOUS. "SETH, HE DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN 444 00:19:54,336 --> 00:19:57,473 YOU TOUCH HIS PENIS!" 445 00:19:57,473 --> 00:19:57,806 [ LAUGHTER ] 446 00:19:57,806 --> 00:20:00,943 [ APPLAUSE ] 447 00:20:00,943 --> 00:20:05,047 TO WHICH A MILLION THOUGHTS FLOOD INTO MY HEAD. 448 00:20:05,047 --> 00:20:05,914 >> Nick: OF COURSE, OF COURSE. 449 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,584 >> THE FIRST BEING, HOW IN THE WORLD ‐‐ THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK 450 00:20:08,584 --> 00:20:08,984 I'M DOING IN HERE? 451 00:20:08,984 --> 00:20:12,788 [ LAUGHTER ] 452 00:20:12,788 --> 00:20:15,858 YOU LEAVE THE ROOM FOR ONE MINUTE AND I'M [ BLEEP ] 453 00:20:15,858 --> 00:20:16,425 TOUCHING YOUR DOG'S PENIS? 454 00:20:16,425 --> 00:20:18,761 [ LAUGHTER ] 455 00:20:18,761 --> 00:20:23,332 LIKE I'M WAITING FOR YOU TO GO GET US DRINKS AND I'M JUST, OH, 456 00:20:23,332 --> 00:20:25,067 WAIT! WAIT TILL HE GETS OUT OF HERE, 457 00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:27,503 BAXTER, I'M GOING TO GET IN THERE! 458 00:20:27,503 --> 00:20:27,836 [ LAUGHTER ] 459 00:20:27,836 --> 00:20:29,571 >> Nick: HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT THAT ‐‐ 460 00:20:29,571 --> 00:20:33,275 >> THAT WAS MY NEXT QUESTION. HOW ARE YOU SO IN TUNE WITH THE 461 00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:35,611 FACT THAT YOUR DOG DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH HIS PENIS? 462 00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:39,481 [ LAUGHTER ] 463 00:20:39,481 --> 00:20:45,654 HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU TOUCH HIS PENIS TO KNOW THAT THAT IS THE 464 00:20:45,654 --> 00:20:48,757 REACTION THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TOUCH YOUR DOG'S PENIS? 465 00:20:48,757 --> 00:20:49,558 >> Nick: YEAH. 466 00:20:49,558 --> 00:20:53,595 >> MY THIRD THOUGHT WAS, MAYBE HE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU 467 00:20:53,595 --> 00:20:53,962 TOUCH HIS PENIS. 468 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:57,199 [ LAUGHTER ] 469 00:20:57,199 --> 00:21:01,203 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 470 00:21:01,203 --> 00:21:03,372 BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT I CAN BRING TO THE TABLE. 471 00:21:03,372 --> 00:21:04,540 >> Nick: YEAH. 472 00:21:04,540 --> 00:21:08,677 >> IT IS BOTH INSULTING TO THINK I WOULD TOUCH YOUR DOG'S PENIS, 473 00:21:08,677 --> 00:21:11,413 ALSO INSULTING TO THINK IF I DID, I'D BE BAD AT IT. 474 00:21:11,413 --> 00:21:11,780 [ LAUGHTER ] 475 00:21:11,780 --> 00:21:14,683 >> Nick: I WOULD SAY UNEQUIVOCALLY, YOU WOULD BE 476 00:21:14,683 --> 00:21:16,351 GREAT AT TOUCHING A DOG'S 477 00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,052 [ BLEEP ]. 478 00:21:17,052 --> 00:21:18,554 >> I WOULD PROBABLY BE PRETTY GOOD. 479 00:21:18,554 --> 00:21:18,921 >> Nick: YEAH. 480 00:21:18,921 --> 00:21:20,756 >> THAT IS WHY THE STORY HAS NOT BEEN TOLD ON A TALK SHOW FOR THE 481 00:21:20,756 --> 00:21:22,825 LAST SEVEN YEARS. 482 00:21:22,825 --> 00:21:23,158 [ LAUGHTER ] 483 00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:28,163 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 484 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,164 AND I FEEL GOOD. 485 00:21:29,164 --> 00:21:30,766 >> Nick: WHAT ABOUT THIS FOR A TRANSITION? 486 00:21:30,766 --> 00:21:31,333 >> DO IT. 487 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,568 >> Nick: LAST MONTH YOU TWEETED SOMETHING. 488 00:21:32,568 --> 00:21:33,936 >> YEAH. 489 00:21:33,936 --> 00:21:37,873 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 490 00:21:37,873 --> 00:21:41,343 >> Nick: IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO READ THE TWEET THAT YOU 491 00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:42,845 WROTE, AND I'M GOING TO DO IT IN YOUR VOICE. 492 00:21:42,845 --> 00:21:46,949 >> GOOD, YEAH. 493 00:21:46,949 --> 00:21:48,617 >> Nick: ONCE I WAS IN A SPA. 494 00:21:48,617 --> 00:21:48,984 [ LAUGHTER ] 495 00:21:48,984 --> 00:21:52,287 IN A HOTEL IN VEGAS, GETTING, LIKE, A MASSAGE, HA HA HA! 496 00:21:52,287 --> 00:21:54,756 [ LAUGHTER ] 497 00:21:54,756 --> 00:21:59,261 AND WHEN I FINISHED, I TURNED OVER, AND TO MY SHOCK, PAUL RUDD 498 00:21:59,261 --> 00:22:04,933 WAS MASSAGING ME. HE SAW ME GO IN AND CONVINCED 499 00:22:04,933 --> 00:22:07,169 THE MASSEUSE TO LET HIM TAKE OVER, THINKING I'D NOTICE 500 00:22:07,169 --> 00:22:11,440 IMMEDIATELY, AND I DIDN'T. AND PAUL DID THE ENTIRE REST OF 501 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,040 IT, HA HA HA! 502 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:20,682 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 503 00:22:20,682 --> 00:22:21,183 >> Nick: WHAT'S THE ‐‐ 504 00:22:21,183 --> 00:22:23,352 >> SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT? 505 00:22:23,352 --> 00:22:26,054 [ LAUGHTER ] 506 00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:29,391 I MEAN, FROM MY EXPERIENCE, I WENT IN AND GOT A MASSAGE. 507 00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:34,930 A GOOD MASSAGE. AND NEAR THE END OF IT ‐‐ 508 00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:38,333 ACTUALLY, HOW IT WAS TRULY REVEALED TO ME IS LIKE THE ‐‐ 509 00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:41,937 THEY STARTED MASSAGING MY FACE, QUITE A BIT. 510 00:22:41,937 --> 00:22:46,675 AND AT FIRST I WAS LIKE, OH, A FACE MASSAGE, GOOD. 511 00:22:46,675 --> 00:22:49,311 IT SHOWS HOW LITTLE BOUNDARIES I HAVE. 512 00:22:49,311 --> 00:22:49,645 [ LAUGHTER ] 513 00:22:49,645 --> 00:22:53,782 I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO OPEN MY EYES. FROM STRANGERS? 514 00:22:53,782 --> 00:22:56,852 FONDLING MY HEAD? I PAID FOR IT, SO MIGHT AS WELL 515 00:22:56,852 --> 00:23:00,355 JUST LET IT HAPPEN, OR UNIVERSAL DID, AT LEAST. 516 00:23:00,355 --> 00:23:03,759 I FINALLY OPENED MY ‐‐ I HEARD HIM START LAUGHING. 517 00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:04,459 THAT WAS WHAT BROKE IT. 518 00:23:04,459 --> 00:23:05,127 >> Nick: UH‐HUH? 519 00:23:05,127 --> 00:23:10,732 >> I OPENED MY EYES TO SEE PAUL RUDD STANDING OVER ME, LAUGHING 520 00:23:10,732 --> 00:23:11,967 HYSTERICALLY, WITH MY CHEEKS IN HIS HANDS LIKE THIS. 521 00:23:11,967 --> 00:23:13,835 [ LAUGHTER ] 522 00:23:13,835 --> 00:23:17,172 [ APPLAUSE ] 523 00:23:17,172 --> 00:23:20,208 >> Nick: WAS IT A MAN OR A WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN GIVING YOU THE 524 00:23:20,208 --> 00:23:20,742 MASSAGE, DO YOU REMEMBER? 525 00:23:20,742 --> 00:23:22,044 >> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. 526 00:23:22,044 --> 00:23:24,179 >> Nick: HEY ‐‐ 527 00:23:24,179 --> 00:23:27,649 >> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS. 528 00:23:27,649 --> 00:23:29,484 >> Nick: I APPRECIATE THAT. BECAUSE IT'S LIKE, YOU THINK IF 529 00:23:29,484 --> 00:23:33,689 IT WERE A LADY AND IT WAS PAUL'S HANDS, IT SHOWS HOW VERSATILE A& 530 00:23:33,689 --> 00:23:34,189 PERFORMER PAUL RUDD IS. 531 00:23:34,189 --> 00:23:35,991 [ LAUGHTER ] 532 00:23:35,991 --> 00:23:38,226 >> PAUL IS ALSO A TINY MAN. 533 00:23:38,226 --> 00:23:43,432 >> Nick: YEAH, HE'S A ‐‐ HE IS A DAINTY, A DAINTY FELLOW. 534 00:23:43,432 --> 00:23:44,232 >> HE'S A LITTLE GUY. 535 00:23:44,232 --> 00:23:45,767 >> Nick: I LOVE THAT IT'S ‐‐ 536 00:23:45,767 --> 00:23:47,436 >> HE'S ANT‐MAN. 537 00:23:47,436 --> 00:23:50,205 >> Nick: HE'S ANT‐MAN. THERE'S NO CAMERA TRICKS THERE. 538 00:23:50,205 --> 00:23:52,941 IF YOU MEET PAUL RUDD, IF YOU MEET HIM ‐‐ 539 00:23:52,941 --> 00:23:58,013 >> HE'S THIS BIG, THEY BRING HIM OUT IN A SPECIAL CASE, THEY ‐PR 540 00:23:58,013 --> 00:24:00,549 SURE THERE'S NO BIRDS IN THE ROOM OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 541 00:24:00,549 --> 00:24:02,017 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 542 00:24:02,017 --> 00:24:04,653 >> Nick: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF GUILLERMO'S LOOK? 543 00:24:04,653 --> 00:24:05,187 >> THAT IS ‐‐ 544 00:24:05,187 --> 00:24:07,089 >> Guillermo: IT'S GREAT, RIGHT? 545 00:24:07,089 --> 00:24:09,491 >> RAW OR DELIRIOUS IN I THINK A COMBINATION OF THE TWO. 546 00:24:09,491 --> 00:24:10,659 >> Nick: YEAH, IT'S A HOT LOOK. 547 00:24:10,659 --> 00:24:11,960 >> IT IS A HOT ‐‐ LITERALLY, YOU LOOK HOT. 548 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:12,761 [ LAUGHTER ] 549 00:24:12,761 --> 00:24:18,433 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 550 00:24:18,433 --> 00:24:20,435 HAVE YOU EVER WANT TO SEE SOMEONE SWEAT THROUGH A LEATHER 551 00:24:20,435 --> 00:24:23,472 JACKET, YOU CAN SEE THAT HAPPEN TONIGHT. 552 00:24:23,472 --> 00:24:26,408 >> Nick: ALL RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE WILL BE 553 00:24:26,408 --> 00:24:27,219 BACK WITH MORE SETH ROGEN AFTER THIS! 554 00:24:27,219 --> 00:24:27,612 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 555 00:24:31,413 --> 00:24:37,519 ♪ 556 00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:39,454 >> Nick: WELCOME BACK. I AM HERE WITH SETH ROGEN. 557 00:24:39,454 --> 00:24:44,326 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 558 00:24:44,326 --> 00:24:47,229 I DON'T KNOW IF THE AUDIENCE KNOWS THIS, SETH. 559 00:24:47,229 --> 00:24:49,665 BUT YOU'RE KIND OF KNOWN FOR SMOKING POT. 560 00:24:49,665 --> 00:24:49,998 [ LAUGHTER ] 561 00:24:49,998 --> 00:24:50,899 I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS NEWS TO YOU GUYS? 562 00:24:50,899 --> 00:24:54,736 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 563 00:24:54,736 --> 00:24:58,040 THAT YOU HAVE NOW CREATED AN ENTIRE BUSINESS AROUND IT. 564 00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:58,440 >> I HAVE, YEAH. 565 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,243 >> Nick: BUT THIS ‐‐ I FEEL LIKE THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT THE 566 00:25:01,243 --> 00:25:03,745 FLINTSTONES USED TO ROLL JOINTS ‐‐ 567 00:25:03,745 --> 00:25:05,347 >> EXACTLY, YEAH. 568 00:25:05,347 --> 00:25:05,680 [ LAUGHTER ] 569 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:09,217 WE MAKE HOME GOODS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE 570 00:25:09,217 --> 00:25:12,954 WEED, YOU KNOW? AND THIS WAS ‐‐ IT'S LIKE AN 571 00:25:12,954 --> 00:25:14,890 ALL‐N‐ONE ROLLING TRAY. THIS WAS DESIGNED REALLY TO BE 572 00:25:14,890 --> 00:25:17,492 THE THING I WANTED TO USE ALL DAY. 573 00:25:17,492 --> 00:25:22,164 THERE'S A THING FOR FILTERS, A PAPER DISPENSER. 574 00:25:22,164 --> 00:25:25,400 THIS IS A FANCY AND BEAUTIFUL GRINDER YOU CAN USE THERE. 575 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:30,472 AND THERE'S AN ASHTRAY. AND LIKE REALLY, I'VE USED THIS 576 00:25:30,472 --> 00:25:33,341 THING EVERY DAY FOR YEARS, AND IT'S MADE MY LIFE MUCH BETTER. 577 00:25:33,341 --> 00:25:37,212 >> Nick: THIS IS THE MOST SINCERE I'VE EVER SEEN SETH 578 00:25:37,212 --> 00:25:37,612 ROGEN. 579 00:25:37,612 --> 00:25:39,948 >> THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS TO ME. 580 00:25:39,948 --> 00:25:42,751 >> Nick: THIS IS LIKE AN ASHTRAY FROM "TRON"? 581 00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:47,856 >> YEAH, EXACTLY. THIS IS A DESIGN STUDIO CALLED 582 00:25:47,856 --> 00:25:51,359 FRACTURE DESIGNED THIS, THIS IS AN EPOXY THEY USE. 583 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:54,162 THIS IS AN INSIDE THAT COMES OUT SO YOU CAN CLONE IT. 584 00:25:54,162 --> 00:25:57,432 WE THOUGHT, WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO HAVE AN ASHTRAY THAT LOOKS 585 00:25:57,432 --> 00:25:58,567 BEAUTIFUL ON YOUR SIDE TABLE? 586 00:25:58,567 --> 00:25:59,301 >> Nick: OH MY GOD. 587 00:25:59,301 --> 00:26:02,771 >> IT'S WEIRD FOR ME TO PROMOTE A WEED COMPANY ON [ BLEEP ] 588 00:26:02,771 --> 00:26:03,405 JIMMY KIMMEL. 589 00:26:03,405 --> 00:26:03,738 [ LAUGHTER ] 590 00:26:03,738 --> 00:26:05,273 ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE HOSTING. 591 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:08,343 >> Nick: I KNOW. THINK HOW WEIRD IT IS FOR THE 592 00:26:08,343 --> 00:26:08,777 DISNEY CORPORATION. 593 00:26:08,777 --> 00:26:11,880 [ LAUGHTER ] 594 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:12,514 >> I LOVE IT, GOD. 595 00:26:12,514 --> 00:26:14,783 >> Nick: THIS ONE I THINK IS PRETTY RAD. 596 00:26:14,783 --> 00:26:15,984 >> YEAH. 597 00:26:15,984 --> 00:26:17,486 >> Nick: THIS IS "STORE THINGS IN HERE." 598 00:26:17,486 --> 00:26:18,820 >> IT'S A POCKET CASE. 599 00:26:18,820 --> 00:26:20,722 >> Nick: WHAT IS THERE, THERE'S A LITTLE ‐‐ 600 00:26:20,722 --> 00:26:23,625 >> A LITTLE LIGHTER BUILT INTO THERE, YEAH. 601 00:26:23,625 --> 00:26:27,029 >> Nick: AND THIS YOU USE FOR THE FIRST NIGHT OF HANUKKAH? 602 00:26:27,029 --> 00:26:27,362 [ LAUGHTER ] 603 00:26:27,362 --> 00:26:29,898 >> YEAH, EXACTLY. 604 00:26:29,898 --> 00:26:33,301 >> Nick: NOW, SAID, DO PEOPLE ASK YOU TO GET STONED ALL THE 605 00:26:33,301 --> 00:26:36,138 TIME? WHAT'S THE WEIRDEST PERSON THAT'S TRIED TO GET YOU TO GET 606 00:26:36,138 --> 00:26:36,838 THEM HIGH? 607 00:26:36,838 --> 00:26:40,408 >> A LOT OF PEOPLE. I GOT MY FATHER‐IN‐LAW HIGH 608 00:26:40,408 --> 00:26:42,111 RECENTLY, AND I ALMOST KILLED HIM. 609 00:26:42,111 --> 00:26:42,444 [ LAUGHTER ] 610 00:26:42,444 --> 00:26:42,844 >> Nick: REALLY? 611 00:26:42,844 --> 00:26:46,982 >> I DON'T KNOW IF I DESERVE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT, BUT 612 00:26:46,982 --> 00:26:50,418 YEAH. I SMOKED WEED WITH MY FATHER‐IN‐LAW RECENTLY, AND HE'S 613 00:26:50,418 --> 00:26:54,289 AROUND 70, AND HE DOESN'T SMOKE A LOT OF WEED. 614 00:26:54,289 --> 00:27:01,596 HE TOOK ONE GIANT HIT WHILE WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO MAESTRO STEAK 615 00:27:01,596 --> 00:27:04,065 HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILLS ‐‐ 616 00:27:04,065 --> 00:27:05,834 >> Nick: VERY COOL, BRO. 617 00:27:05,834 --> 00:27:07,202 >> NAME DROP. 618 00:27:07,202 --> 00:27:08,236 >> Nick: VERY COOL. 619 00:27:08,236 --> 00:27:10,906 >> SMOKING WEED WITH 70‐YEAR‐OLDS, EATING STEAKS. 620 00:27:10,906 --> 00:27:11,439 >> Nick: YEAH. 621 00:27:11,439 --> 00:27:13,742 >> HE COUGHED FOR 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT. 622 00:27:13,742 --> 00:27:14,075 [ LAUGHTER ] 623 00:27:14,075 --> 00:27:18,313 WHICH IS A ‐‐ I WAS CONCERNED. FROM ONE HIT. 624 00:27:18,313 --> 00:27:23,318 AND SO HE COUGHED AS WE'RE DOING 625 00:27:23,318 --> 00:27:28,456 VALET, COUGHS WHEN HE'S BEING SEATED, COUGHS WHILE WE'RE 626 00:27:28,456 --> 00:27:30,559 ORDERING. FINALLY HE WHEEZES OUT, "THAT 627 00:27:30,559 --> 00:27:33,828 WAS A BIG HIT." WE'RE SITTING IN A BOOTH, I SEE 628 00:27:33,828 --> 00:27:37,599 HIM START TO BOBBLE HIS HEAD, HE'S LIKE, I HAVE TO GO TO THE 629 00:27:37,599 --> 00:27:39,401 BATHROOM. HE GETS UP AND I SEE HIM START 630 00:27:39,401 --> 00:27:42,871 TO GO DOWN. HE'S GOING TO FAINT. AND I RUN OVER. 631 00:27:42,871 --> 00:27:45,974 RIGHT AS HE FAINTS. AND I CATCH HIM. 632 00:27:45,974 --> 00:27:49,277 THE ONLY PLACE I CAN PUT HIM IS AT A TABLE FULL OF PEOPLE EATING 633 00:27:49,277 --> 00:27:49,678 DINNER, BASICALLY. 634 00:27:49,678 --> 00:27:51,746 [ LAUGHTER ] 635 00:27:51,746 --> 00:27:55,383 AND I PLOP HIM AT THE TABLE. AND HE'S KIND OF JUST PROPPED UP 636 00:27:55,383 --> 00:27:56,118 LIKE THIS. 637 00:27:56,118 --> 00:27:56,451 [ LAUGHTER ] 638 00:27:56,451 --> 00:27:58,620 RIGHT AT THE MOMENT WHEN THEIR FOOD ARRIVES. 639 00:27:58,620 --> 00:28:01,556 SO THE WAITER PUTS THE FOOD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, AND THEY 640 00:28:01,556 --> 00:28:05,227 DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IT'S LIKE, SETH ROGEN JUST 641 00:28:05,227 --> 00:28:07,529 DROPPED A CORPSE AT THEIR TABLE. 642 00:28:07,529 --> 00:28:07,929 [ LAUGHTER ] 643 00:28:07,929 --> 00:28:09,831 AT THE EXACT MOMENT THEIR STEAK WAS ARRIVING. 644 00:28:09,831 --> 00:28:12,000 I'M LIKE, HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE. AND HE'S CLEARLY NOT FINE. 645 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,636 [ LAUGHTER ] 646 00:28:14,636 --> 00:28:16,171 I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE EMBARRASSED. 647 00:28:16,171 --> 00:28:21,343 SO I GET HIM BACK TO MY TABLE. FINALLY. 648 00:28:21,343 --> 00:28:24,446 AND HE ‐‐ EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT IS LIKE, WHY ARE THEY 649 00:28:24,446 --> 00:28:26,114 SITTING DOWN? WHY AREN'T THEY LEAVING? 650 00:28:26,114 --> 00:28:29,551 HE'S LIKE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE. I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIM. 651 00:28:29,551 --> 00:28:32,588 FINALLY HE STARTS TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF AT THE TABLE. 652 00:28:32,588 --> 00:28:32,921 [ LAUGHTER ] 653 00:28:32,921 --> 00:28:34,456 AT THAT MOMENT I'M LIKE, WE'RE GETTING THE [ BLEEP ] OUT OF 654 00:28:34,456 --> 00:28:38,560 HERE! 655 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:38,893 [ APPLAUSE ] 656 00:28:38,893 --> 00:28:42,297 AND WE ROLLED OUT OF MAESTRO'S AND I'VE NOT BEEN BACK SINCE. 657 00:28:42,297 --> 00:28:46,668 >> Nick: YOU CAN ORDER YOUR HOUSE PLANT PRODUCTS AT HOUSE 658 00:28:46,668 --> 00:28:47,002 PLANT.COM. 659 00:28:47,002 --> 00:28:47,369 >> HE'S FINE. 660 00:28:47,369 --> 00:28:49,571 >> Nick: HE'S FINE. THANK YOU, SETH. 661 00:28:49,571 --> 00:28:50,130 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WINSTON DUKE! 662 00:28:55,910 --> 00:28:56,378 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 663 00:28:56,378 --> 00:28:58,346 ♪ 664 00:28:58,346 --> 00:29:02,317 >> Nick: WELCOME BACK! YOU KNOW OUR NEXT GUEST AS 665 00:29:02,317 --> 00:29:06,288 M'BAKU, THE WAKANDAN WARRIOR WHO CAN SLAP ON THAT LEATHER SKIRT 666 00:29:06,288 --> 00:29:08,456 AND FUR SHAWL, AND STILL LOOK SCARY AS HELL. 667 00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:10,425 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 668 00:29:10,425 --> 00:29:13,194 NEXT HE STARS IN A MOVIE ABOUT UNBORN SOULS COMPETING FOR LIFE 669 00:29:13,194 --> 00:29:15,864 CALLED "NINE DAYS." 670 00:29:15,864 --> 00:29:21,236 >> ANY QUESTIONS? 671 00:29:21,236 --> 00:29:22,637 >> AM I DEAD? 672 00:29:22,637 --> 00:29:25,640 >> I WOULDN'T SAY YOU'RE ALIVE OR DEAD. 673 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:26,708 >> ARE YOU THE BOSS? 674 00:29:26,708 --> 00:29:29,577 >> I WOULD SAY A COG IN THE WHEEL. 675 00:29:29,577 --> 00:29:31,146 >> THAT SOUNDS INTENSE. 676 00:29:31,146 --> 00:29:32,247 >> HOW LONG IS THIS PROCESS? 677 00:29:32,247 --> 00:29:35,317 >> HARD TO PINPOINT, EXACTLY. BUT IF YOU MAKE IT UNTIL THE 678 00:29:35,317 --> 00:29:36,518 END, NINE DAYS. 679 00:29:36,518 --> 00:29:37,652 >> SO I HAVE NINE DAYS. 680 00:29:37,652 --> 00:29:38,186 >> YES. 681 00:29:38,186 --> 00:29:40,221 >> OR LESS. AFTER THAT? 682 00:29:40,221 --> 00:29:45,827 >> IF YOU'RE SELECTED, THERE'S AN EXTENSION AS A NEWBORN. 683 00:29:45,827 --> 00:29:47,062 IF NOT, I WOULD SAY IT'S THE END. 684 00:29:47,062 --> 00:29:51,933 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 685 00:29:51,933 --> 00:29:55,303 >> Nick: NINE DAYS OPENS IN THEATERS IN NEW YORK AND L. A. 686 00:29:55,303 --> 00:30:02,477 JULY 30th, NATIONWIDE AUGUST 6th. PLEASE WELCOME WINSTON DUKE! 687 00:30:02,477 --> 00:30:02,977 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 688 00:30:02,977 --> 00:30:17,325 ♪ 689 00:30:17,325 --> 00:30:18,660 >> Nick: OH, HOW YOU DOING? 690 00:30:18,660 --> 00:30:19,627 >> I'M GREAT! 691 00:30:19,627 --> 00:30:21,463 >> Nick: YES? 692 00:30:21,463 --> 00:30:22,697 >> I'M GREAT! 693 00:30:22,697 --> 00:30:27,202 >> Nick: ANY DOG PENIS STORIES YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST? 694 00:30:27,202 --> 00:30:27,535 [ LAUGHTER ] 695 00:30:27,535 --> 00:30:28,937 >> NO, NO. I DON'T, I DON'T. 696 00:30:28,937 --> 00:30:31,106 >> Nick: OKAY. WE KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BIT. 697 00:30:31,106 --> 00:30:33,641 WE'VE MET AT A FEW PARTIES ALONG THE WAY. 698 00:30:33,641 --> 00:30:34,809 >> YES, YES, YES. 699 00:30:34,809 --> 00:30:36,311 >> Nick: YOU'RE AMAZING IN "BLACK PANTHER." 700 00:30:36,311 --> 00:30:41,449 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 701 00:30:41,449 --> 00:30:44,185 YES. ARE YOU CURRENTLY SHOOTING "BLACK PANTHER 2"? 702 00:30:44,185 --> 00:30:46,287 >> I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING. 703 00:30:46,287 --> 00:30:46,654 >> Nick: OKAY. 704 00:30:46,654 --> 00:30:49,090 >> UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SNIPED BY A MOUSE. 705 00:30:49,090 --> 00:30:49,457 [ LAUGHTER ] 706 00:30:49,457 --> 00:30:52,260 >> Nick: OKAY, GOTCHA. WE'LL BE VERY COY ABOUT THIS. 707 00:30:52,260 --> 00:30:52,594 >> YEAH. 708 00:30:52,594 --> 00:30:54,996 >> Nick: BECAUSE MARVEL IS VERY COY. 709 00:30:54,996 --> 00:30:59,567 >> I AM WORKING ON A MOVIE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE SHOOTING A MOVIE 710 00:30:59,567 --> 00:31:02,337 THAT RHYMES WITH "MACK MANTHER." 711 00:31:02,337 --> 00:31:05,407 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 712 00:31:05,407 --> 00:31:09,611 >> Nick: CAN YOU CONFIRM OR DENY THAT YOU'VE BEEN WEARING FUR 713 00:31:09,611 --> 00:31:11,546 PASHMINAS AND LEATHER? 714 00:31:11,546 --> 00:31:12,013 >> I CAN'T CONFIRM IT. 715 00:31:12,013 --> 00:31:15,083 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 716 00:31:15,083 --> 00:31:16,418 ALL I CAN DO. 717 00:31:16,418 --> 00:31:18,686 >> Nick: YOU MUST ‐‐ THAT MUST HAVE BEEN WILD FOR YOU, DOING 718 00:31:18,686 --> 00:31:22,390 THAT MOVIE. AND DO PEOPLE APPROACH YOU AND 719 00:31:22,390 --> 00:31:26,494 CALL YOU UMBAKU? HOW DOES THAT WORK? 720 00:31:26,494 --> 00:31:32,100 >> IT'S VERY WEIRD BEING CALLED UMBAKU IN WEIRD PLACES YOU WOULD 721 00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:33,969 NEVER EXPECT, IN THE BATHROOM, THINGS LIKE THAT. 722 00:31:33,969 --> 00:31:34,302 [ LAUGHTER ] 723 00:31:34,302 --> 00:31:37,439 THEN BEING A PART OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY, IF THEY LOVE YOU ‐‐ 724 00:31:37,439 --> 00:31:40,542 IF THEY LOVE YOU, THAT'S YOU. FOR LIFE. 725 00:31:40,542 --> 00:31:41,075 >> Nick: REALLY? 726 00:31:41,075 --> 00:31:44,913 >> RIGHT? SO LIKE, OH MY GOD, UMBAKU'S GOT 727 00:31:44,913 --> 00:31:47,048 A NEW MOVIE COMING OUT! 728 00:31:47,048 --> 00:31:47,382 [ LAUGHTER ] 729 00:31:47,382 --> 00:31:50,252 I DIDN'T KNOW THEY LET HIM OUT OF WAKANDA LIKE THAT! 730 00:31:50,252 --> 00:31:50,585 [ LAUGHTER ] 731 00:31:50,585 --> 00:31:53,822 HE'S IN THE HOUSE, INTERVIEWING PEOPLE, THAT'S CRAZY! 732 00:31:53,822 --> 00:31:57,058 I SAW UMBAKU IN MEXICO DID YOU KNOW THAT? 733 00:31:57,058 --> 00:31:57,392 [ LAUGHTER ] 734 00:31:57,392 --> 00:32:04,699 I'M UMBAKU ALL THE TIME TO BLACK PEOPLE. UMBAKU! LIKE, WINSTON. 735 00:32:04,699 --> 00:32:11,240 >> Nick: YES, IT'S WINSTON, YES. I'M A "TINY JEW" TO BLACK 736 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:11,573 PEOPLE. 737 00:32:11,573 --> 00:32:19,380 >> THEY ALSO KNOW JIMMY KIMMEL AS JIMMY KIMBLE. 738 00:32:19,380 --> 00:32:22,584 RIGHT? MY MAN KNOWS OVER THERE, JIMMY 739 00:32:22,584 --> 00:32:26,087 KIMBLE. YOU MIGHT BE NICK CROWS. 740 00:32:26,087 --> 00:32:31,459 >> Nick: I'LL TAKE IT HAPPILY. PEOPLE GENUINELY BE TO ME ‐‐ 741 00:32:31,459 --> 00:32:34,462 THERE'S NOBODY THAT CAN SNIPE YOU BETTER THAN A 14‐YEAR‐OLD 742 00:32:34,462 --> 00:32:35,029 BLACK KID. 743 00:32:35,029 --> 00:32:35,864 >> OH, YEAH. 744 00:32:35,864 --> 00:32:40,568 >> Nick: THEY JUST CAN NAIL YOU POP CULTURE‐WISE PERFECTLY. 745 00:32:40,568 --> 00:32:45,173 I THINK TO MOST BLACK TEENAGERS, OH, THERE'S THAT SMALL [ BLEEP ] 746 00:32:45,173 --> 00:32:46,641 DUDE FROM "BIG MOUTH." 747 00:32:46,641 --> 00:32:46,975 [ LAUGHTER ] 748 00:32:46,975 --> 00:32:48,843 THAT'S WHAT I'LL GET, AND THAT'S GREAT. 749 00:32:48,843 --> 00:32:50,914 >> FABULOUS. IT'S NOT A FUN ONE TO BE KNOWN 750 00:32:50,914 --> 00:32:51,279 AS. 751 00:32:51,279 --> 00:32:55,183 >> Nick: NO, IT'S NOT GREAT. IT'S A CARTOON, OKAY? 752 00:32:55,183 --> 00:32:56,852 >> I'LL TAKE UMBAKU. 753 00:32:56,852 --> 00:32:57,185 [ LAUGHTER ] 754 00:32:57,185 --> 00:32:59,821 >> Nick: IN DOING "BIG MOUTH," I TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR 755 00:32:59,821 --> 00:33:05,260 PUBERTY A LOT. HOW WAS YOUR POUBT? WA PUBERTY? 756 00:33:05,260 --> 00:33:07,829 >> YOU KNOW, THIS IS A SAFE SPACE. 757 00:33:07,829 --> 00:33:08,296 >> Nick: YES. 758 00:33:08,296 --> 00:33:08,897 >> IS IT? 759 00:33:08,897 --> 00:33:10,164 >> Nick: NOBODY'S WATCHING, IT'S JUST US. 760 00:33:10,164 --> 00:33:11,866 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 761 00:33:11,866 --> 00:33:16,271 >> GET THE KROLL OUT OF HERE. IT'S A SAFE SPACE. 762 00:33:16,271 --> 00:33:16,738 >> Nick: ABSOLUTELY. 763 00:33:16,738 --> 00:33:19,641 >> I'M GOING TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF SETH. 764 00:33:19,641 --> 00:33:21,476 >> Nick: YES, GREAT. 765 00:33:21,476 --> 00:33:26,948 >> AND SHARE A STORY OF MINE THAT, YOU KNOW, I GOT CAUGHT BY 766 00:33:26,948 --> 00:33:29,884 MY MOTHER WATCHING SOME UNSAVORY MATERIAL ONCE. 767 00:33:29,884 --> 00:33:31,186 >> Nick: OKAY. 768 00:33:31,186 --> 00:33:31,519 [ LAUGHTER ] 769 00:33:31,519 --> 00:33:37,592 >> SO THAT DAY MY HORMONE MONSTER ‐‐ DO IT! 770 00:33:37,592 --> 00:33:41,696 AND I LISTENED. AND I'M LIKE ‐‐ SHE'S IN THE 771 00:33:41,696 --> 00:33:43,765 LIVING ROOM. THE COMPUTER WAS IN THE LIVING 772 00:33:43,765 --> 00:33:47,869 ROOM. I'M LIKE, AREN'T YOU TIRED? YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE A NAP. 773 00:33:47,869 --> 00:33:48,870 YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED. 774 00:33:48,870 --> 00:33:49,203 [ LAUGHTER ] 775 00:33:49,203 --> 00:33:51,339 SHE'S LIKE, NO, I'M FINE, I'M FINE, I'M GOOD. 776 00:33:51,339 --> 00:33:56,244 I'M LIKE, YOU LOOK SO TIRED. YOU SHOULD GO IN THE OTHER ROOM. 777 00:33:56,244 --> 00:33:56,578 [ LAUGHTER ] 778 00:33:56,578 --> 00:34:00,381 SO THEN SHE, AS MOTHER, KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP. 779 00:34:00,381 --> 00:34:01,416 SO SHE FAKE FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. 780 00:34:01,416 --> 00:34:06,621 >> Nick: OH. 781 00:34:06,621 --> 00:34:08,556 [ AUDIENCE AWW'ing ] 782 00:34:08,556 --> 00:34:12,493 >> DON'T "AWW" THIS, THIS IS WHY THIS STORY TAKES A TURN. 783 00:34:12,493 --> 00:34:14,862 SO I'M LIKE DOING MY THING. ALL I FEEL IS A SHOE HITS ME. 784 00:34:14,862 --> 00:34:17,031 [ LAUGHTER ] 785 00:34:17,031 --> 00:34:21,569 SHE'S LIKE, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK! 786 00:34:21,569 --> 00:34:24,639 IT'S 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, WINSTON! 787 00:34:24,639 --> 00:34:25,740 AND I'M LIKE, I DIDN'T DO IT! 788 00:34:25,740 --> 00:34:28,142 [ LAUGHTER ] 789 00:34:28,142 --> 00:34:31,613 I OPENED AN EMAIL, IT ALL DOWNLOADED, AND I WAS TRYING TO 790 00:34:31,613 --> 00:34:32,914 CLOSE IT! SHE'S LIKE, NO, YOU WERE THERE 791 00:34:32,914 --> 00:34:33,247 FOR MINUTES! 792 00:34:33,247 --> 00:34:37,285 [ LAUGHTER ] 793 00:34:37,285 --> 00:34:42,657 AND THEN, LIKE A TRUE ‐‐ LIKE, YOU KNOW, CARIBBEAN PARENT. 794 00:34:42,657 --> 00:34:45,026 SHE MADE ATE LITTLE BIT ABOUT HER. 795 00:34:45,026 --> 00:34:46,561 SHE'S LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME! 796 00:34:46,561 --> 00:34:48,930 [ LAUGHTER ] 797 00:34:48,930 --> 00:34:55,236 MY SON IS A PERVERT! HOW COULD YOU, LORD? 798 00:34:55,236 --> 00:34:57,739 JESUS CHRIST? HOW DID I RAISE SUCH A PERVERT? 799 00:34:57,739 --> 00:35:00,642 [ LAUGHTER ] 800 00:35:00,642 --> 00:35:05,680 AND THEN FOR A GOOD TWO YEARS I WAS KNOWN AS THE PORN KING. 801 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:06,247 >> Nick: OH! 802 00:35:06,247 --> 00:35:10,018 >> ANY TIME THEY WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE, HER AND MY SISTER, IF I 803 00:35:10,018 --> 00:35:13,955 WAS HOME ALONE, WITHIN LIKE A MINUTE THEY WOULD BUST BACK IN 804 00:35:13,955 --> 00:35:20,328 THE DOOR LIKE THAT. 805 00:35:20,328 --> 00:35:20,662 [ LAUGHTER ] 806 00:35:20,662 --> 00:35:20,995 PORN KING. 807 00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:22,497 >> Nick: SO YOU JUST HAD TO WAIT? 808 00:35:22,497 --> 00:35:25,767 >> I'D HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 30 MINUTES. 809 00:35:25,767 --> 00:35:26,101 [ LAUGHTER ] 810 00:35:26,101 --> 00:35:26,434 [ APPLAUSE ] 811 00:35:26,434 --> 00:35:29,003 >> Nick: THANK YOU FOR SHARING. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. 812 00:35:29,003 --> 00:35:30,438 AND YOUR MOM IS HERE TONIGHT? 813 00:35:30,438 --> 00:35:31,873 >> SHE IS HERE TONIGHT. SHE'S HERE TONIGHT. 814 00:35:31,873 --> 00:35:36,144 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 815 00:35:36,144 --> 00:35:38,012 SHE'S NOT IN THE AUDIENCE. SHE'S BACKSTAGE. 816 00:35:38,012 --> 00:35:39,814 >> Nick: OKAY. IS SHE WEARING HEELS? 817 00:35:39,814 --> 00:35:41,115 THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW. 818 00:35:41,115 --> 00:35:43,851 >> SHE'S WEARING HEELS, SHE FEELS GOOD ABOUT HERSELF. 819 00:35:43,851 --> 00:35:45,086 SHE'S NOW EMBARRASSED AGAIN. 820 00:35:45,086 --> 00:35:46,954 >> Nick: OKAY. WELL, IT ALL WORKED OUT. 821 00:35:46,954 --> 00:35:51,693 IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR YOU. TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT "NINE 822 00:35:51,693 --> 00:35:52,393 DAYS." WHAT'S THE MOVIE ABOUT? 823 00:35:52,393 --> 00:35:57,932 >> SO THE MOVIE IS ABOUT A MAN WITH A JOB IN THE AFTERLIFE. 824 00:35:57,932 --> 00:36:00,935 AND HIS JOB IS TO INTERVIEW SPIRITS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO 825 00:36:00,935 --> 00:36:01,636 BE BORN. 826 00:36:01,636 --> 00:36:04,706 >> Nick: COOL. 827 00:36:04,706 --> 00:36:09,444 >> HE'S A MAN THAT HAS ‐‐ THE ONE CATCH IS HE'S THE ONLY 828 00:36:09,444 --> 00:36:12,580 PERSON THAT'S EVER ‐‐ HE'S THE ONLY ONE IN THE NARRATIVE THAT'S 829 00:36:12,580 --> 00:36:15,349 EVER LIVED BEFORE. SO HE KNOWS WHAT LIFE IS. 830 00:36:15,349 --> 00:36:18,986 AND HOW HARD IT CAN BE. AND HOW PAINFUL. 831 00:36:18,986 --> 00:36:21,923 AND, YOU KNOW, HE LIVES? A LIFE OF QUARANTINE, 832 00:36:21,923 --> 00:36:22,256 ESSENTIALLY. 833 00:36:22,256 --> 00:36:22,590 >> Nick: WOW. 834 00:36:22,590 --> 00:36:25,793 >> WATCHING THE PEOPLE HE'S CHOSEN SO FAR LIVE THEIR LIVES 835 00:36:25,793 --> 00:36:26,627 THROUGH THEIR EYES. 836 00:36:26,627 --> 00:36:30,264 >> Nick: I'M JUST PICTURING MYSELF, IF EITHER OF US HAD BEEN 837 00:36:30,264 --> 00:36:33,201 INTERVIEWED BY YOUR CHARACTER, IF HE HAD BEEN LIKE WHAT WERE 838 00:36:33,201 --> 00:36:34,268 YOU DOING AT 4:00 P. M. IN HIGH SCHOOL? 839 00:36:34,268 --> 00:36:38,172 [ LAUGHTER ] 840 00:36:38,172 --> 00:36:40,842 >> I WOULD HAVE FAILED THAT TEST. 841 00:36:40,842 --> 00:36:42,844 >> Nick: WELL, "NINE DAYS" OPENS 842 00:36:42,844 --> 00:36:45,482 IN THEATERS IN NEW YORK AND L. A. JULY 30th AND NATIONWIDE AUGUST 843 00:36:45,482 --> 00:36:45,847 6th. 844 00:36:45,847 --> 00:36:47,515 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 845 00:36:47,515 --> 00:36:50,184 THANK YOU, WINSTON. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUSIC 846 00:36:50,184 --> 00:36:52,820 FROM GUCCI MANE! 847 00:36:52,820 --> 00:36:53,321 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 848 00:36:53,321 --> 00:36:55,056 ♪ 849 00:36:59,327 --> 00:37:01,062 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 850 00:37:01,062 --> 00:37:03,998 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. MERCEDES‐BENZ. 851 00:37:03,998 --> 00:37:07,902 THE BEST OR NOTHING. 852 00:37:07,902 --> 00:37:09,403 >> Nick: ALL RIGHT, LET'S CRANK SOME TUNES. 853 00:37:09,403 --> 00:37:11,706 HIS ALBUM IS CALLED "ICE DADDY." PERFORMING "POPPIN" WITH SOME 854 00:37:11,706 --> 00:37:17,545 HELP FROM BIGWALKDOG, GUCCI MANE! 855 00:37:17,545 --> 00:37:19,013 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 856 00:37:23,687 --> 00:37:24,051 ♪ 857 00:37:24,051 --> 00:37:31,626 ♪ 858 00:37:31,626 --> 00:37:34,162 ♪ HEY HEY HEY 859 00:37:34,162 --> 00:37:34,929 ♪ WHEN YOU POPPIN' EVERY 860 00:37:34,929 --> 00:37:36,164 TIME YOU MOVE YOU GOTTA MOVE WITH A ROCKET 861 00:37:36,164 --> 00:37:36,931 LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL ♪ 862 00:37:36,931 --> 00:37:37,665 ♪ YOU SEE A POOL 863 00:37:37,665 --> 00:37:39,400 AND A FAUCET DSIGNER HIT THE MAIL COME STRAIGHT ♪ 864 00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:39,934 ♪ FROM THE TROPIC 865 00:37:39,934 --> 00:37:41,402 GOT A COCONUT SMELL BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN' 866 00:37:41,402 --> 00:37:42,170 SHE ONLY ATE THE ♪ 867 00:37:42,170 --> 00:37:42,937 ♪ BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC 868 00:37:42,937 --> 00:37:49,577 SHE KNOW I GOT RACKS SO SHE DO IT MORE SLOPPY 869 00:37:49,577 --> 00:37:51,279 OFF A CAN'T TEAL MY BODY ♪ 870 00:37:51,279 --> 00:37:52,880 ♪ BUT SHE AIN'T GETTING 871 00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:54,148 OUTTA NONE OF THESE POCKETS NAH SHE AIN'T GETTIN' ♪ 872 00:37:54,148 --> 00:37:54,649 ♪ OUTTA NONE OF THESE 873 00:37:54,649 --> 00:37:56,884 WALLETS BROKE DOWN A ‘BOW JUST TO SMOKE AT HIBACHI ♪ 874 00:37:56,884 --> 00:37:59,921 ♪ I AIN'T NEED ME A PLUG 875 00:37:59,921 --> 00:38:03,124 I'M THE WHOLE DAMN SOCKET CAME NAILED DOWN A OPP 876 00:38:03,124 --> 00:38:04,892 COME ON HE ROADBLOCKIN' ♪ 877 00:38:04,892 --> 00:38:05,626 ♪ SIPPIN' ON WOCKY POP 878 00:38:05,626 --> 00:38:07,428 ME A ROXY KNOW THEY GON' WATCH ME BUILT FOR THIS HOW ♪ 879 00:38:07,428 --> 00:38:08,196 ♪ THEY GON' STOP ME 880 00:38:08,196 --> 00:38:11,632 I WAS JUST LOADIN' UP ON THE DOLLY I FEEL LIKE FLY 881 00:38:11,632 --> 00:38:12,166 I DON'T NEED NOBODY ♪ 882 00:38:12,166 --> 00:38:12,667 ♪ BIG DAWG I'M FOR REAL 883 00:38:12,667 --> 00:38:13,935 I DON'T NEED CO‐SIGNIN' MIGHT GO GET ME 884 00:38:13,935 --> 00:38:14,669 ‘CAT OR A SCAT NO MILEAGE ♪ 885 00:38:14,669 --> 00:38:15,403 ♪ IN THE CITY WHERE I'M FROM WE 886 00:38:15,403 --> 00:38:16,938 AIN'T HAVE NO GOD PLAY WITH WHO PLAY WITH WOP ♪ 887 00:38:16,938 --> 00:38:18,406 ♪ KNOW THEY DYIN' 888 00:38:18,406 --> 00:38:19,340 MIGHT JUST GO TO WAFI GET A 20 MAKE IT SHINE 889 00:38:19,340 --> 00:38:19,907 I AIN'T NEVER HAD ♪ 890 00:38:19,907 --> 00:38:20,675 ♪ NOT A MOTHER DIME 891 00:38:20,675 --> 00:38:21,909 WOP GOT ME OUT THE TRENCHES HAD MURDER ON MY MIND 892 00:38:21,909 --> 00:38:22,476 AND THE PLUG JUST CALLED ♪ 893 00:38:22,476 --> 00:38:23,144 ♪ SAID 30 ON THE LINE 894 00:38:23,144 --> 00:38:24,779 NEED A P UP IN THE EAST AND NEED A P UP IN THE WEST 895 00:38:24,779 --> 00:38:25,279 HE AIN'T GRABIN' TWO ♪ 896 00:38:25,279 --> 00:38:25,913 ♪ THEN IT'S ON TO THE NEXT 897 00:38:25,913 --> 00:38:27,648 THIRTEEN WITH MY DADDY WATCHIN' GET FINESSED 898 00:38:27,648 --> 00:38:28,883 ON THE FIRST AND THE THIRD ♪ 899 00:38:28,883 --> 00:38:29,884 ♪ GETTIN' EVERYBODY CHECK 900 00:38:29,884 --> 00:38:31,652 MAKE A BLOCK DO IT AGAIN GETTIN' EVERYBODY STRETCHED 901 00:38:31,652 --> 00:38:32,887 I DONE MADE IT OUT ♪ 902 00:38:32,887 --> 00:38:33,888 ♪ SO I'M AT YOU NECK 903 00:38:33,888 --> 00:38:35,890 DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT NEW JACOB OR PATEK FLEX 904 00:38:35,890 --> 00:38:36,657 WHEN YOU POPPIN' ♪ 905 00:38:36,657 --> 00:38:37,391 ♪ EVERY TIME YOU MOVE 906 00:38:37,391 --> 00:38:38,893 YOU GOTTA MOVE WITH A ROCKET LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL 907 00:38:38,893 --> 00:38:39,660 YOU SEE A POOL ♪ 908 00:38:39,660 --> 00:38:40,428 ♪ AND A FAUCET 909 00:38:40,428 --> 00:38:41,929 DESIGNER HIT THE MAIL COME STRAIGHT FROM THE TROPIC 910 00:38:41,929 --> 00:38:42,930 GOT A COCONUT SMELL ♪ 911 00:38:42,930 --> 00:38:43,664 ♪ BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN' 912 00:38:43,664 --> 00:38:45,433 SHE ONLY ATE THE BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC 913 00:38:45,433 --> 00:38:46,167 KNOW I GOT RACKS ♪ 914 00:38:46,167 --> 00:38:50,705 ♪ SO SHE DO IT MORE SLOPPY 915 00:38:50,705 --> 00:38:52,006 OFF A I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY ♪ 916 00:38:52,006 --> 00:38:53,507 ♪ BUT SHE AIN'T GETTING OUT OF 917 00:38:53,507 --> 00:38:56,010 NONE OF THESE POCKETS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE 918 00:38:56,010 --> 00:38:56,744 YOU GOTTA MOVE ♪ 919 00:38:56,744 --> 00:38:57,245 ♪ WITH A ROCKET 920 00:38:57,245 --> 00:38:58,579 LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL YOU SEE A POOL AND A FAUCET 921 00:38:58,579 --> 00:38:59,247 DESIGNER HIT THE MAIL ♪ 922 00:38:59,247 --> 00:38:59,780 ♪ COME STRAIGHT 923 00:38:59,780 --> 00:39:01,015 FROM THE TROPIC GOT A COCONUT SMELL 924 00:39:01,015 --> 00:39:01,749 BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN' ♪ 925 00:39:01,749 --> 00:39:02,750 ♪ SHE ONLY ATE THE 926 00:39:02,750 --> 00:39:07,421 BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC SHE NOW I GOT SO SHE DO IT MORE 927 00:39:07,421 --> 00:39:09,557 SLOPPY ♪ 928 00:39:09,557 --> 00:39:10,758 ♪ I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY 929 00:39:10,758 --> 00:39:12,026 BUT SHE AIN'T GETTIN' OUTTA NONE OF ♪ 930 00:39:12,026 --> 00:39:12,526 ♪ THESE POCKETS 931 00:39:12,526 --> 00:39:14,161 CAN'T NOBODY POP THE WAY I POP IT HA 932 00:39:14,161 --> 00:39:14,662 MILLION DOLLAR WATCH ♪ 933 00:39:14,662 --> 00:39:15,196 ♪ ON MY WRIST NO CAPPIN' 934 00:39:15,196 --> 00:39:16,130 SAY HE GOT MONEY WHERE IT WENT WHAT HAPPENED 935 00:39:16,130 --> 00:39:16,631 SIGN WITH GUCCI MANE ♪ 936 00:39:16,631 --> 00:39:17,131 ♪ GET RICH GO PLATINUM 937 00:39:17,131 --> 00:39:18,332 I KNOW THE FEDS WATCHIN' BUT 12 CAN'T STOP IT 938 00:39:18,332 --> 00:39:18,833 THE BALES CAME IN ♪ 939 00:39:18,833 --> 00:39:19,533 ♪ I PULLED UP WENT SHOPPIN' 940 00:39:19,533 --> 00:39:21,335 PULL UP IN A DAWN AND THE TOP START DROPPIN' 941 00:39:21,335 --> 00:39:21,869 THEY LET ME OUTTA JAIL ♪ 942 00:39:21,869 --> 00:39:22,303 ♪ AND THE PRICE 943 00:39:22,303 --> 00:39:23,804 START HOPPIN' CARTEL MAILBOX MONEY 944 00:39:23,804 --> 00:39:24,538 SO DIRTY YOU COULD ♪ 945 00:39:24,538 --> 00:39:25,306 ♪ SMELL MY MONEY 946 00:39:25,306 --> 00:39:26,774 I'M EQUIPPED BY MONEY IF YOU OWE ME 947 00:39:26,774 --> 00:39:27,541 BETTER PAY MY MONEY ♪ 948 00:39:27,541 --> 00:39:28,042 ♪ SO RICH THAT I WEIGH 949 00:39:28,042 --> 00:39:30,311 MY MONEY AND I LOOK LIKE MONEY AND I DON'T REALLY NEED ♪ 950 00:39:30,311 --> 00:39:31,012 ♪ NEW FRIENDS 951 00:39:31,012 --> 00:39:33,014 SO PLEASE STOP CALLIN' ME TWIN I'MA SAY THAT AGAIN 952 00:39:33,014 --> 00:39:34,015 YOU AIN'T NEVER ♪ 953 00:39:34,015 --> 00:39:34,749 ♪ KILLED NO MAN 954 00:39:34,749 --> 00:39:37,752 SO YOU COULD NEVER FIT IN MY SKIN IT'S BIG GUCCI MANE ♪ 955 00:39:37,752 --> 00:39:38,519 ♪ EVERY TIME YOU MOVE 956 00:39:38,519 --> 00:39:40,054 YOU GOTTA MOVE WITH A ROCKET LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL 957 00:39:40,054 --> 00:39:40,755 YOU SEE A POOL ♪ 958 00:39:40,755 --> 00:39:41,756 ♪ AND A FAUCET 959 00:39:41,756 --> 00:39:43,257 DESIGNER HIT THE MAIL COME STRAIGHT FROM THE TROPIC 960 00:39:43,257 --> 00:39:44,258 GOT A COCONUT SMELL ♪ 961 00:39:44,258 --> 00:39:46,060 ♪ BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN' 962 00:39:46,060 --> 00:39:47,795 SHE ONLY ATE THE BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC 963 00:39:47,795 --> 00:39:48,562 KNOW I GOT RACKS ♪ 964 00:39:48,562 --> 00:39:52,333 ♪ SO SHE DO IT MORE 965 00:39:52,333 --> 00:39:55,169 SLOPPILY OFF ‐‐ I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY BUT SHE AIN'T GETTING ♪ 966 00:39:55,169 --> 00:39:56,170 ♪ OUTTA NONE OF 967 00:39:56,170 --> 00:39:57,171 THESE POCKETS SAME YOUNG STILL POSTED 968 00:39:57,171 --> 00:39:57,672 IN THE TRICK ♪ 969 00:39:57,672 --> 00:39:58,406 ♪ ON A PLANE WITH AN 970 00:39:58,406 --> 00:39:59,674 OPP 'BOUT TO GO OFF IN HIS I DON'T EVEN LIKE FLYIN' 971 00:39:59,674 --> 00:40:00,441 CAN'T MOVE WITH A STICK ♪ 972 00:40:00,441 --> 00:40:00,942 ♪ CALLED MY JUNKIE OUT 973 00:40:00,942 --> 00:40:02,410 THE JUNGLE HE GON' PULL UP WITH THE STICK 974 00:40:02,410 --> 00:40:02,977 ON THE PHONE WITH HIM NOW ♪ 975 00:40:02,977 --> 00:40:04,145 ♪ HE GON' PULL UP BY SIX 976 00:40:04,145 --> 00:40:05,146 TALKIN' 'BOUT TAPPIN' IN I AIN'T TAPPIN' IN 977 00:40:05,146 --> 00:40:05,880 YOU AIN'T TAP IN WITH ME ♪ 978 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:07,381 ♪ BEFORE A GOT RICH 979 00:40:07,381 --> 00:40:10,384 MY HOMIE POPPIN' DOCTOR SAY HE AT RISK ♪ 980 00:40:10,384 --> 00:40:11,118 ♪ SMOKIN' WEDDING CAKE 981 00:40:11,118 --> 00:40:12,386 AIN'T NOBODY MARRIED IN THIS FROM THE STREET NOW 982 00:40:12,386 --> 00:40:13,120 A REALLY MARRIED TO THIS ♪ 983 00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:13,921 ♪ I WAS BROKE THAN A NOW 984 00:40:13,921 --> 00:40:15,423 I'M HAVIN' ALL THIS GRIP NEED BLUE CHEESE SALAD 985 00:40:15,423 --> 00:40:16,157 NOTHIN' ADDED TO THE MIX ♪ 986 00:40:16,157 --> 00:40:17,391 ♪ WENT FROM NOODLE WITH 987 00:40:17,391 --> 00:40:20,628 THE CRACKER STEAK ADDED ON THE LIST GOT A ♪ 988 00:40:20,628 --> 00:40:21,395 ♪ NOTHIN' ADDED 989 00:40:21,395 --> 00:40:23,364 BUT A SWITCH GOT THIS UP OUT THE MUD 990 00:40:23,364 --> 00:40:23,864 WOULDN'T HAND IT TO A ♪ 991 00:40:23,864 --> 00:40:24,632 ♪ ‘FORE THEY LABEL 992 00:40:24,632 --> 00:40:30,972 ME A RAT THEY GON' LABEL ME A KILLER TOO ♪ 993 00:40:30,972 --> 00:40:32,940 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 994 00:40:32,940 --> 00:40:34,566 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING. 995 00:40:40,548 --> 00:40:41,949 >> Nick: THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE. 996 00:40:41,949 --> 00:40:46,754 I WANT TO THANK SETH ROGEN, WINSTON DUKE, GUCCI MANE, AND 997 00:40:46,754 --> 00:40:50,024 JIMMY KIMMEL TOO. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT. 998 00:40:50,024 --> 00:40:52,693 C'MON GUILLERMO, I'LL CUT YOU OUT OF THAT SUIT. 999 00:40:52,693 --> 00:40:56,193 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!