>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" WITH GUEST
HOST NICK KROLL! TONIGHT, SETH ROGEN,
WINSTON DUKE, AND MUSIC FROM GUCCI MANE FEATURING BIGWALKDOG.
AND NOW, NICK KROLL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Nick: HELLO! OH!
HELLO. HELLO! THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HELLO AND WELCOME TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"!
I AM YOUR GUEST HOST NICK KROLL. WOW, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING, THIS GUY IS WAY TOO
HOT TO BE FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE. THE TRUTH IS, I'M TOO FUNNY TO
BE HOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M REALLY PSYCHED TO BE HERE. BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE MY OWN SHOW.
IT'S CALLED "BIG MOUTH."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH. JUST NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY, CURRENTLY STREAMING ON NETFLIX.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A LOT MORE FUN TO BE THE BOSS AT
SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOW FOR A DAY. YOU CAN REALLY MAKE PEOPLE'S
DREAMS COME TRUE. SO I'VE BEEN UPPING THE BUDGET,
ORDERING E‐BIKES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SKY IS THE LIMIT.
>> HEY NICK?
>> Nick: YES?
>> CAN I GET A RAISE?
>> Nick: YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT AN EXTRA
80K?
>> I'M JUST A P. A.
>> Nick: LET'S JUST SAY 90K? ALL RIGHT, SOUP, LET'S DO IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT. WHO ELSE WANTS SOMETHING?
OH, YES. YEAH, WRITER, GO AHEAD.
>> WAIT, HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A WRITER?
>> Nick: JUST THE LOOK. THE GENERAL SADNESS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD PARK IN JIMMY AS SPOT WHILE HE'S
GONE.
>> Nick: YEAH, PARK WHEREVER YOU WANT, TAKE A [ BLEEP ] ON HIS
DESK, I DON'T CARE. CAMERON, WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> I'M GOING TO HOOTERS.
>> Nick: GREAT, GO TO HOOTERS.
>> THAT WASN'T A QUESTION.
>> Nick: GREAT. ALL RIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SORRY, JUST ‐‐ LIFT THIS BACK UP HERE. OKAY, THERE WE GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY ‐‐ NO, THAT'S THE FRAMING FOR THE REST
OF THE SHOW. I HATE MY BODY, I'M MUCH MORE OF
A HEAD GUY. THERE IT IS, OKAY. YOU KNOW, WHAT'S CRAZY, BACK IN
LIKE 2005,I APPLIED TO BE A WRITER ON THIS SHOW.
[ CHEERS ]
YEAH. AND THE FEEDBACK THAT WE GOT
BACK WAS, "THESE JOKES SUCH ASS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK THEY KIND OF HOLD UP.
YOU GUYS WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR THEM, WOULD YOU?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT. AGAIN, AGAIN FOLKS, THESE JOKES
ARE FROM 2005, SO SOME OF THEM MIGHT SEEM A LITTLE BIT DATED.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE. "DURING LAST WEEK'S
HURRICANE KATRINA TELETHON, KANYE WEST SAID GEORGE BUSH
DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, AND HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
THERE WILL NEVER BE A DUMBER, MORE RACIST PRESIDENT THAN
GEORGE W. BUSH, EVER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
I MEAN, WHAT'S CRAZY IS LIKE, THEN WE HAVE BARACK OBAMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW, SHOULD I DO ANOTHER ONE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
"BRITNEY SPEARS RECENTLY CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR.
BOY, BRITNEY'S DAD NEEDS TO HIDE
HIS FLOWBEE BETTER, THEN FREEZE HER BANK ACCOUNTS, AND GENERALLY
RESTRICT ALL HER PERSONAL FREEDOMS FOR ALMOST TWO DECADES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, THE JOKE'S ON KIMMEL, BECAUSE HERE I AM, 16 YEARS
LATER, AND I AM HOSTING HIS SHOW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS INTERESTING. YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT WEEK, AMAZON FOUNDER AND WEIRDLY JACKED BILLIONAIRE JEFF
BEZOS IS GOING TO SPACE. THE FLIGHT WILL ONLY LAST ABOUT
10 MINUTES, BUT IT'S STILL THE LONGEST BREAK THAT ANY AMAZON
EMPLOYEE HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH. YEAH. SPEAKING OF PEOPLE THAT I WOULD
LIKE TO SEND TO SPACE. DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
THIS IS INTERESTING. YOU GUYS ‐‐ THIS IS INTERESTING,
YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND PIECE OF HUMAN [ BLEEP ], I'M SORRY,
ALLEGED PIECE OF HUMAN
[ BLEEP ], MATT GAETZ WAS IN
TOWN THIS WEEK, TO RAISE MONEY IN THE FIGHT AGAINST
HOMELESSNESS. JUST KIDDING, HE WENT TO A FREE
BRITNEY RALLY.
>> BRITNEY'S BEEN ABUSED BY THE MEDIA, SHE'S BEEN ABUSED BY A
GRIFTER E EER FATHER, SHE'S BE ABUSED BY THE AMERICAN JUSTICE
SYSTEM. WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER AND
CREATE A FEDERAL CAUSE OF ACTION, A FEDERAL CHANGE IN LAW
THAT WILL FREE BRITNEY AND THE MILLIONS OF AMERICANS IMPACTED
BY A CORRUPT GUARDIANSHIP SYSTEM THAT EMPOWERS PEOPLE TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE WEEK.
>> Nick: AT FIRST I WAS IMPRESSED THAT MATT GAETZ WAS ON
THE RIGHT SIDE OF AN ISSUE, BUT THEN I WAS BUMMED OUT WE WERE
WEARING ALMOST THE SAME EXACT SUIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW I REALIZE HE WAS ONLY THERE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA
GET A "FREE BRITNEY."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I JUST LOVE THAT THE GUY WHO'S BEEN ACCUSED OF SEX TRAFFICKING
A MINOR IS SUDDENLY AN ADVOCATE FOR TROUBLED CHILDREN GETTING
LESS SUPERVISION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAVE ANY OF YOU BEEN WATCHING "SHARK WEEK"?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, THIS IS INTERESTING. DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
THIS IS INTERESTING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ACCORDING TO THE "WASHINGTON POST," THIS IS INTERESTING ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AUSTRALIANS WANT TO REBRAND SHARK ATTACKS AS 'NEGATIVE
ENCOUNTERS.'" SOME AUSTRALIAN OFFICIALS HAVE
STARTED REFERRING TO SHARK ATTACKS WITH NEUTRAL WORDS LIKE
"INCIDENTS" AND "INTERACTIONS." LOOK.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TACKLE A SNOWFLAKE STORY LIKE THIS, WITH
MY SOON‐TO‐BE CLASSIC SEGMENT, "KROLL ME A RIVER."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENED, FOLKS.
THE COASTAL JUSTICE WARRIORS ARE
TRYING TO PC THE SEVEN SEAS. BUT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'M
OLD‐SCHOOL. BUT BACK IN MY DAY, SHARKS WERE
SHARKS. WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
FILE DOWN THEIR TEETH AND ASK FOR CONSENT?
CONTROL KROL ME A RIVER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHEN JAWS WAS GOBBLING UP HORNY SKINNY‐DIPPERS, WE DIDN'T SAY,
"UM, EXCUSE ME, TIME TO CHECK YOUR GREAT WHITE PRIVILEGE!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE SAID, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!" OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN HEAR THE LOONY LIBERALS NOW, "YOU'RE JUST PERPETUATING
SHARK STEREOTYPES, WE CAN'T MAKE OTHER SPECIES FEEL OTHERED!"
KROLL ME A RIVER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO WRITE IN AND SAY, "AQUATIC CARNIVORES ARE
CANCELED!" SPARE ME! OKAY? THESE SHARKS ARE PREDATORS JUST
LIKE MY FRIEND AND ALLEGED PIECE OF HUMAN [ BLEEP ], MATT GAETZ,
AND PROUD OF IT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY? SO LET'S NOT TURN SHARK WEEK
INTO SHARK WEAK. GET OUT OF HERE AND KROLL ME A
RIVER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY, WRITER. HEY, WRITER. THIS WOULD BE A GREAT SEGMENT
FOR MY GUTFELD PACKET, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY, ONE MORE THING. AS I SAID, I'M TRYING TO MAKE
DREAMS COME TRUE WHILE I'M HERE. AND TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO GRANT
A WISH TO ONE EXTRA‐SPECIAL
LITTLE GUY.
[ KNOCKING ]
>> Nick: COME IN.
>> MR. NICK, HOW YOU DOING?
>> Nick: COME IN, MAN.
>> I'M EXCITED YOU'RE GUEST HOSTING THE SHOW.
>> Nick: ME TOO.
>> I WANT TO ASK A FAVOR.
>> Nick: SURE, ANYTHING.
>> CAN YOU PUT ME IN THE SHOW?
>> Nick: OH, I THINK ‐‐ I THINK YOU'RE ON THE SHOW.
YOU'RE LIKE ON THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT.
>> YEAH, BUT I WANT TO DO STANDUP COMEDY LIKE YOU.
>> Nick: OH!
>> YEAH, I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME.
>> Nick: YOU LIKE ‐‐ DO YOU LIKE MY STANDUP?
>> YEAH.
>> Nick: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BIT OF MINE?
>> OH. OH, EVERYTHING.
>> Nick: YEAH, YOU HAVEN'T ACTUALLY EVER SEEN MY STANDUP,
HAVE YOU?
>> NO, TO BE HONEST, NO. THEY TOLD ME YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
>> Nick: OH, THAT'S SO NICE OF THEM. COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN AND
WE'LL TALK. WHAT KIND OF COMIC DO YOU SEE
YOURSELF AS?
>> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW.
>> Nick: DO YOU LIKE YOUR MOTHER‐IN‐LAW?
>> NO, I DON'T LIKE MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, SHE'S TERRIBLE.
>> Nick: OKAY. LET ME GIVE YOU A MIC.
USE MY BRUSH IF THAT'S OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Nick: YEAH, SO THEN ‐‐
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Nick: OKAY.
>> SO I SAY, HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
>> Nick: YEAH, WHOO!
>> GOOD, LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE A MOTHER‐IN‐LAW.
>> Nick: WHOO! BOO!
>> BUT I DO.
>> Nick: TELL US ABOUT HER!
>> OH, MY HOERLTD IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.
>> Nick: YEAH. GREAT.
>> THEN I KEEP GOING?
>> Nick: RIGHT. YOU TALK ABOUT SOME EXAMPLES.
WHAT WAS ‐‐ WHAT HAPPENED ‐‐ DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU
MET YOUR MOTHER‐IN‐LAW?
>> OH MY GOD, I WAS SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW.
I THINK I HAD TWO SHOT OF TEQUILA.
BUT I THINK I OVER ‐‐ OVERDRINK? NOT TWO, MAYBE THREE OR FOUR?
>> Nick: YEAH, YEAH.
>> AND I PEED HER SHOES.
>> Nick: YOU PEED ON HER SHOES?
>> ON HER CLOSET.
>> Nick: OKAY.
>> SO I ASKED HER, WHERE'S THE RESTROOM?
SHE GOES, OH, IT'S OVER THERE. BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT OVER
THERE, I'M JUST GOING TO PEE OFF HERE, AND I CLOSED THE DOOR.
SINCE THAT TIME, ME AND HER ‐‐
>> Nick: WOW, SHE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL DIFFICULT WOMAN THAT YOU
PEED ON HER SHOES AND SHE WAS ANGRY AT YOU FOR IT.
>> SINCE THAT TIME SHE'S BEEN MAD AT ME.
>> Nick: CAN I ASK A FOLLOW‐UP QUESTION?
IS THAT THE FIRST TIME OR ONLY TIME YOU'VE PEED ‐‐ NOT MADE TO
IT THE BATHROOM TO PEE?
>> OH, IN MY BED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LISTEN, ONE TIME I WAS SO DRUNK.
>> Nick: HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?
>> I WAS SO DRUNK. AND I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING
THAT I WAS PEEING IN THE RESTROOM, BUT I WAS PEEING MY
PANTS.
>> Nick: YEAH. I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU'RE
TALKING TO ME ABOUT STANDUP, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD MAYBE BE
TALKING TO A UROLOGIST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.
>> Nick: THAT'S A GOOD START. DO YOU HAVE ANY JOKES PREPARED?
DID YOU WRITE AHEAD OF TIME?
>> I WROTE ONE JOKE. OKAY. SO ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DON'T
HAVE THE PUNCHLINE, YOU KNOW?
>> Nick: OKAY, THAT'S WHAT COMEDIANS DO FOR EACH OTHER, WE
HELP EACH OTHER COME UP WITH PUNCHLINES.
>> OH, OKAY. HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS
DOING?
>> Nick: GREAT. BY THE WAY, I WOULD SUGGEST
EVERY JOKE START WITH "HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN IF YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SET.
AFTER EVERY JOKE, YOU RESET, AT‐
"HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS COG?"
>> HI, EVERYONE, HOW YOU GUYS DOING? GOOD.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS WON'T GET THE VACCINE.
>> Nick: UH‐HUH?
>> YOU KNOW, BUT IF I TELL YOU GUYS, OKAY, LISTEN, IF YOU GET
THE VACCINE, WE'LL GIVE YOU A GREEN JUICE.
>> Nick: A GREEN JUICE?
>> YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: OKAY.
>> NOW, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE VACCINES FOR EVERYTHING.
THEY HAVE FOR ‐‐
>> Nick: MAYBE THE PUNCHLINE ‐‐ THIS WOULD BE WHAT THEY CALL A
CALLBACK. "THEY MAKE VACCINES FOR EVERYTHING, I WISH THEY MADE A
VACCINE FOR PEEING ON MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW'S SHOES.
>> OH, OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
>> Nick: THANKS. I'M A STANDUP COMEDIAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I THINK THIS HAS GONE PRETTY WELL.
I FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GONE THROUGH A COUPLE JOKES.
>> YEAH.
>> Nick: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE READY TO OPEN UP FOR ME
ON MY TOUR THIS FALL, BUT I DO STANDUP ON KIMMEL.ADY TO DO ‐
BECAUSE I'M ONLY HOSTING FOR ONE NIGHT, SO I DON'T REALLY GIVE A
[ BLEEP ].
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: OKAY! YOU KNOW OUR NEXT COME TRICK HIS
WORK ON "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE." MAKING HIS STANDUP COMEDY DEBUT,
PLEASE WELCOME GUILLERMO "HOT ROD" RODRIGUEZ!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HI, EVERYBODY! HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LISTEN. I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW IS LIKE DIARRHEA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? SHE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS. SHE KEEPS COMING AND COMING, AND
YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GOING TO COME BACK. IT'S TERRIBLE.
IT'S MISERABLE. OKAY? HI, EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS
DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LISTEN. SUMMER IS HERE. AND MOST OF THE LADIES, THEY
WANT TO GET READY, LIKE BIKINI READY, YOU KNOW.
THE GUYS, THEY WANT TO HIRE A TRAINER, YOU KNOW, TO BE ALL
BUFF AND EVERYTHING. BUT I THINK THAT'S THE DUMBEST
IDEA, YOU KNOW? pHIRE A TRAININGY SO YOU CAN ‐‐ THEY CAN MAKE YOU
TIRED. YOU KNOW, THAT'S BRUTAL. THAT'S TERRIBLE. YOU KNOW?
IN MY CASE, I WOULD SPEND THE MONEY ON BEERS, ON HOT CHEETOS,
WHO DOESN'T LOVE HOT CHEETOS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH, YEAH. IF I HAVE SOME MONEY LEFT, I
WILL BUY SOME WEED, YOU KNOW?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'LL STILL BE TIRED. UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT I WILL BE HAPPY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HI EVERYBODY, HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LISTEN. THIS HAPPENED TO ME ALL THE TIME.
OKAY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHITE PEOPLE.
WHEN THEY GO TO A STARBUCKS AND I TELL MY NAME, THEY ALWAYS
MISSPELL IT OR THEY CANNOT PRONUNCIATE MY NAME.
MY NAME IS GUILLERMO, AND THEY CALL ME GUYERMO.
I DECIDED TO GIVE THEM A WHITE PEOPLE'S NAME, YOU KNOW?
SO NOW I'M PRINCE CHARLES, FROM NOW ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THAT'S ALL THE TIME I HAVE.
I'LL SEE YOU AT STARBUCKS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: YES! THANK YOU. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WINSTON DUKE IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM GUCCI MANE WITH BIG WALK DOG.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SETH ROGEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Nick: ALL RIGHT! WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE." I'M NICK KROLL. TONIGHT, FROM THE NEW FILM
"NINE DAYS," WINSTON DUKE IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THEN HIS LATEST ALBUM IS CALLED "ICE DADDY," MUSIC FROM
GUCCI MANE FEATURING BIGWALKDOG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MAKE SURE TO WATCH "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE NBA FINALS
GAME NIGHT" IN PRIMETIME TOMORROW NIGHT TOO, WITH
ANTHONY ANDERSON AND HIS GUEST, CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OUR FIRST GUEST IS A MULTI‐TALENTED WRITER, ACTOR,
DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, ONE OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET,
AND HE'S ALMOST LIKE A FRIEND TO ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HIS LATEST VENTURE IS A PURPLE STRAIN PASSION PROJECT CALLED
"HOUSEPLANT." YOU CAN ORDER THEIR PRODUCTS AT
HOUSEPLANT.COM. PLEASE WELCOME SETH ROGEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Nick: YES!
>> WE DID IT!
>> Nick: 7th!
SETH, THANKS FOR BEING ON THE SHOW.
>> GREAT SHOW SO FAR, YOU'RE DOING WONDERFUL.
>> Nick: DID YOU GO FOR A RUN BEFORE THE SHOW?
>> YES, AS YOU CAN SEE, THESE HAVE NEVER BEEN WORN BEFORE THIS
MOMENT, SO NO.
>> Nick: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY NOMINATION.
>> THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: IN FACT, FIVE NOMINATIONS FOR "THE BOYS."
>> FOR "THE BOYS," YES. VERY EXCITING.
CONGRATS ON YOURS AS WELL.
>> Nick: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FIVE NOMINATIONS, INCLUDING OUTSTANDING DRAMA.
>> YEAH.
>> Nick: AND YOU'RE, WHAT, DID YOU WRITE IT? OR ARE YOU JUST ‐‐
>> I PRODUCE THE SHOW. I BET A LOT OF THE CAST WAS
LIKE, WOW, SETH ROGEN'S PRETTY STRONG.
YEAH, ME AND EVAN SAW IT IN THE COMIC BOOKSTORES, WE BOUGHT IT,
WE'RE LIKE, THIS SHOULD BE A TV SHOW. AROUND A DECADE LATER, THEY
FINALLY LET US TURN IT INTO ONE. YEAH, IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE
FIRST SHOWS NOMINATED FOR BEST DRAMA THAT FEATURES A CHARACTER
WITH A TEN‐FOOT [ BLEEP ], I WOULD IMAGINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, I'M SURE.
>> Nick: YEAH. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR
AN EMMY BEFORE?
>> YEAH, 15 YEARS AGO I WAS NOMINATED AS A WRITER FOR "THE
ALI G. SHOW."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: WERE YOU ALI G.?
>> YEAH, EXACTLY, I'M ALI G. YEAH, NO.
YEAH, AND WE LOST TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
>> Nick: YES.
>> AND I ASSUME WE'LL LOSE AGAIN TO SOME OTHER [ BLEEP ] SHOW
THAT PEOPLE RESPECT MORE THAN OURS, I WOULD IMAGINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: SO HERE WE ARE.
>> HERE WE ARE.
>> Nick: I'M LOOKING DOWN AT MY CARD.
>> ALLOW ME FOR A MOMENT.
>> Nick: YES.
>> HONESTLY, I POSED SOMETHING ON THE SHOW WHEN THEY CALLED FOR
MY PREINTERVIEW. THE TRUTH IS I HAVE A STORY I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO TELL ON A TALK SHOW FOR LIKE SEVEN YEARS.
>> Nick: YEAH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M SORRY TO RUIN THE ILLUSION, BUT WE DO
PREINTERVIEWS. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUNNY STORIES?
FOR SEVEN YEARS, "I GOT A
[ BLEEP ] HILARIOUS STORY."
I PROCEED TO TELL THE STORY, THEY SEEM TO FIND IT FUNNY.
I SHOW UP AT THE TALK SHOW, THEY GIVE ME THE THINGS TO TALK
ABOUT, SORRY TO RUIN THE ILLUSION.
AND MY STORY IS NEVER ON IT. AND I'M ALWAYS LIKE ‐‐ I JUST
WANT TO TELL THE STORY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
WHEN THEY CALLED FOR MY PREINTERVIEW, I'M FRIENDS WITH
NICK, ILABOUT NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER, I'M GOING TO TELL THIS
[ BLEEP ] STORY THAT I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO TELL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO, AROUND SEVEN YEARS AGO, I WAS AT MY FRIEND'S HOUSE.
AND HE HAS A LITTLE DOG THAT I HAVE KNOWN SINCE HE GOT IT.
THE DOG WAS AROUND 4 YEARS OLD, MAYBE, AT THIS POINT.
AND I LOVED THIS DOG. I'M A DOG PERSON, I LOVE DOGS,
I'M INTO DOGS. THE DOG'S A LITTLE HYPER, BUT ME
AND THIS DOG HAVE HAD A GOOD THING.
>> Nick: GREAT.
>> SO MY FRIEND GOES INTO THE OTHER ROOM.
HE'S IN THE KITCHEN GETTING US DRINKS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND I'M IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH HIS DOG.
JUST KIND OF PLAYING WITH HIS DOG. PETTING HIS DOG'S HEAD,
SCRATCHING HIS DOG BEHIND THE EAR. AND OUT OF NOWHERE, HIS DOG,
LIKE, SNAPS AT ME. AND, LIKE, BARKS.
I'M LIKE, [ BLEEP ]. I SCREAM. AND MY FRIEND INSTANTLY, FROM
THE KITCHEN, HAVING NOT SEEN WHAT HAPPENED, JUST HAVING HEARD
IT, SCREAMS AT ME, FURIOUS. "SETH, HE DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN
YOU TOUCH HIS PENIS!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
TO WHICH A MILLION THOUGHTS FLOOD INTO MY HEAD.
>> Nick: OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
>> THE FIRST BEING, HOW IN THE WORLD ‐‐ THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK
I'M DOING IN HERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU LEAVE THE ROOM FOR ONE MINUTE AND I'M [ BLEEP ]
TOUCHING YOUR DOG'S PENIS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE I'M WAITING FOR YOU TO GO GET US DRINKS AND I'M JUST, OH,
WAIT! WAIT TILL HE GETS OUT OF HERE,
BAXTER, I'M GOING TO GET IN THERE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT THAT ‐‐
>> THAT WAS MY NEXT QUESTION. HOW ARE YOU SO IN TUNE WITH THE
FACT THAT YOUR DOG DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH HIS PENIS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU TOUCH HIS PENIS TO KNOW THAT THAT IS THE
REACTION THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TOUCH YOUR DOG'S PENIS?
>> Nick: YEAH.
>> MY THIRD THOUGHT WAS, MAYBE HE DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU
TOUCH HIS PENIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT I CAN BRING TO THE TABLE.
>> Nick: YEAH.
>> IT IS BOTH INSULTING TO THINK I WOULD TOUCH YOUR DOG'S PENIS,
ALSO INSULTING TO THINK IF I DID, I'D BE BAD AT IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: I WOULD SAY UNEQUIVOCALLY, YOU WOULD BE
GREAT AT TOUCHING A DOG'S
[ BLEEP ].
>> I WOULD PROBABLY BE PRETTY GOOD.
>> Nick: YEAH.
>> THAT IS WHY THE STORY HAS NOT BEEN TOLD ON A TALK SHOW FOR THE
LAST SEVEN YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND I FEEL GOOD.
>> Nick: WHAT ABOUT THIS FOR A TRANSITION?
>> DO IT.
>> Nick: LAST MONTH YOU TWEETED SOMETHING.
>> YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO READ THE TWEET THAT YOU
WROTE, AND I'M GOING TO DO IT IN YOUR VOICE.
>> GOOD, YEAH.
>> Nick: ONCE I WAS IN A SPA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN A HOTEL IN VEGAS, GETTING, LIKE, A MASSAGE, HA HA HA!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WHEN I FINISHED, I TURNED OVER, AND TO MY SHOCK, PAUL RUDD
WAS MASSAGING ME. HE SAW ME GO IN AND CONVINCED
THE MASSEUSE TO LET HIM TAKE OVER, THINKING I'D NOTICE
IMMEDIATELY, AND I DIDN'T. AND PAUL DID THE ENTIRE REST OF
IT, HA HA HA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: WHAT'S THE ‐‐
>> SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, FROM MY EXPERIENCE, I WENT IN AND GOT A MASSAGE.
A GOOD MASSAGE. AND NEAR THE END OF IT ‐‐
ACTUALLY, HOW IT WAS TRULY REVEALED TO ME IS LIKE THE ‐‐
THEY STARTED MASSAGING MY FACE, QUITE A BIT.
AND AT FIRST I WAS LIKE, OH, A FACE MASSAGE, GOOD.
IT SHOWS HOW LITTLE BOUNDARIES I HAVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO OPEN MY EYES. FROM STRANGERS?
FONDLING MY HEAD? I PAID FOR IT, SO MIGHT AS WELL
JUST LET IT HAPPEN, OR UNIVERSAL DID, AT LEAST.
I FINALLY OPENED MY ‐‐ I HEARD HIM START LAUGHING.
THAT WAS WHAT BROKE IT.
>> Nick: UH‐HUH?
>> I OPENED MY EYES TO SEE PAUL RUDD STANDING OVER ME, LAUGHING
HYSTERICALLY, WITH MY CHEEKS IN HIS HANDS LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: WAS IT A MAN OR A WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN GIVING YOU THE
MASSAGE, DO YOU REMEMBER?
>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
>> Nick: HEY ‐‐
>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS.
>> Nick: I APPRECIATE THAT. BECAUSE IT'S LIKE, YOU THINK IF
IT WERE A LADY AND IT WAS PAUL'S HANDS, IT SHOWS HOW VERSATILE A&
PERFORMER PAUL RUDD IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> PAUL IS ALSO A TINY MAN.
>> Nick: YEAH, HE'S A ‐‐ HE IS A DAINTY, A DAINTY FELLOW.
>> HE'S A LITTLE GUY.
>> Nick: I LOVE THAT IT'S ‐‐
>> HE'S ANT‐MAN.
>> Nick: HE'S ANT‐MAN. THERE'S NO CAMERA TRICKS THERE.
IF YOU MEET PAUL RUDD, IF YOU MEET HIM ‐‐
>> HE'S THIS BIG, THEY BRING HIM OUT IN A SPECIAL CASE, THEY ‐PR
SURE THERE'S NO BIRDS IN THE ROOM OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF GUILLERMO'S LOOK?
>> THAT IS ‐‐
>> Guillermo: IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
>> RAW OR DELIRIOUS IN I THINK A COMBINATION OF THE TWO.
>> Nick: YEAH, IT'S A HOT LOOK.
>> IT IS A HOT ‐‐ LITERALLY, YOU LOOK HOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HAVE YOU EVER WANT TO SEE SOMEONE SWEAT THROUGH A LEATHER
JACKET, YOU CAN SEE THAT HAPPEN TONIGHT.
>> Nick: ALL RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE WILL BE
BACK WITH MORE SETH ROGEN AFTER THIS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Nick: WELCOME BACK. I AM HERE WITH SETH ROGEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I DON'T KNOW IF THE AUDIENCE KNOWS THIS, SETH.
BUT YOU'RE KIND OF KNOWN FOR SMOKING POT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS NEWS TO YOU GUYS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT YOU HAVE NOW CREATED AN ENTIRE BUSINESS AROUND IT.
>> I HAVE, YEAH.
>> Nick: BUT THIS ‐‐ I FEEL LIKE THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT THE
FLINTSTONES USED TO ROLL JOINTS ‐‐
>> EXACTLY, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE MAKE HOME GOODS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE
WEED, YOU KNOW? AND THIS WAS ‐‐ IT'S LIKE AN
ALL‐N‐ONE ROLLING TRAY. THIS WAS DESIGNED REALLY TO BE
THE THING I WANTED TO USE ALL DAY.
THERE'S A THING FOR FILTERS, A PAPER DISPENSER.
THIS IS A FANCY AND BEAUTIFUL GRINDER YOU CAN USE THERE.
AND THERE'S AN ASHTRAY. AND LIKE REALLY, I'VE USED THIS
THING EVERY DAY FOR YEARS, AND IT'S MADE MY LIFE MUCH BETTER.
>> Nick: THIS IS THE MOST SINCERE I'VE EVER SEEN SETH
ROGEN.
>> THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS TO ME.
>> Nick: THIS IS LIKE AN ASHTRAY FROM "TRON"?
>> YEAH, EXACTLY. THIS IS A DESIGN STUDIO CALLED
FRACTURE DESIGNED THIS, THIS IS AN EPOXY THEY USE.
THIS IS AN INSIDE THAT COMES OUT SO YOU CAN CLONE IT.
WE THOUGHT, WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO HAVE AN ASHTRAY THAT LOOKS
BEAUTIFUL ON YOUR SIDE TABLE?
>> Nick: OH MY GOD.
>> IT'S WEIRD FOR ME TO PROMOTE A WEED COMPANY ON [ BLEEP ]
JIMMY KIMMEL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE HOSTING.
>> Nick: I KNOW. THINK HOW WEIRD IT IS FOR THE
DISNEY CORPORATION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I LOVE IT, GOD.
>> Nick: THIS ONE I THINK IS PRETTY RAD.
>> YEAH.
>> Nick: THIS IS "STORE THINGS IN HERE."
>> IT'S A POCKET CASE.
>> Nick: WHAT IS THERE, THERE'S A LITTLE ‐‐
>> A LITTLE LIGHTER BUILT INTO THERE, YEAH.
>> Nick: AND THIS YOU USE FOR THE FIRST NIGHT OF HANUKKAH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> Nick: NOW, SAID, DO PEOPLE ASK YOU TO GET STONED ALL THE
TIME? WHAT'S THE WEIRDEST PERSON THAT'S TRIED TO GET YOU TO GET
THEM HIGH?
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE. I GOT MY FATHER‐IN‐LAW HIGH
RECENTLY, AND I ALMOST KILLED HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: REALLY?
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I DESERVE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT, BUT
YEAH. I SMOKED WEED WITH MY FATHER‐IN‐LAW RECENTLY, AND HE'S
AROUND 70, AND HE DOESN'T SMOKE A LOT OF WEED.
HE TOOK ONE GIANT HIT WHILE WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO MAESTRO STEAK
HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILLS ‐‐
>> Nick: VERY COOL, BRO.
>> NAME DROP.
>> Nick: VERY COOL.
>> SMOKING WEED WITH 70‐YEAR‐OLDS, EATING STEAKS.
>> Nick: YEAH.
>> HE COUGHED FOR 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH IS A ‐‐ I WAS CONCERNED. FROM ONE HIT.
AND SO HE COUGHED AS WE'RE DOING
VALET, COUGHS WHEN HE'S BEING SEATED, COUGHS WHILE WE'RE
ORDERING. FINALLY HE WHEEZES OUT, "THAT
WAS A BIG HIT." WE'RE SITTING IN A BOOTH, I SEE
HIM START TO BOBBLE HIS HEAD, HE'S LIKE, I HAVE TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM. HE GETS UP AND I SEE HIM START
TO GO DOWN. HE'S GOING TO FAINT. AND I RUN OVER.
RIGHT AS HE FAINTS. AND I CATCH HIM.
THE ONLY PLACE I CAN PUT HIM IS AT A TABLE FULL OF PEOPLE EATING
DINNER, BASICALLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I PLOP HIM AT THE TABLE. AND HE'S KIND OF JUST PROPPED UP
LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT AT THE MOMENT WHEN THEIR FOOD ARRIVES.
SO THE WAITER PUTS THE FOOD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, AND THEY
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IT'S LIKE, SETH ROGEN JUST
DROPPED A CORPSE AT THEIR TABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AT THE EXACT MOMENT THEIR STEAK WAS ARRIVING.
I'M LIKE, HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE. AND HE'S CLEARLY NOT FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE EMBARRASSED.
SO I GET HIM BACK TO MY TABLE. FINALLY.
AND HE ‐‐ EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT IS LIKE, WHY ARE THEY
SITTING DOWN? WHY AREN'T THEY LEAVING?
HE'S LIKE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE. I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIM.
FINALLY HE STARTS TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF AT THE TABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AT THAT MOMENT I'M LIKE, WE'RE GETTING THE [ BLEEP ] OUT OF
HERE!
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND WE ROLLED OUT OF MAESTRO'S AND I'VE NOT BEEN BACK SINCE.
>> Nick: YOU CAN ORDER YOUR HOUSE PLANT PRODUCTS AT HOUSE
PLANT.COM.
>> HE'S FINE.
>> Nick: HE'S FINE. THANK YOU, SETH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WINSTON DUKE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Nick: WELCOME BACK! YOU KNOW OUR NEXT GUEST AS
M'BAKU, THE WAKANDAN WARRIOR WHO CAN SLAP ON THAT LEATHER SKIRT
AND FUR SHAWL, AND STILL LOOK SCARY AS HELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NEXT HE STARS IN A MOVIE ABOUT UNBORN SOULS COMPETING FOR LIFE
CALLED "NINE DAYS."
>> ANY QUESTIONS?
>> AM I DEAD?
>> I WOULDN'T SAY YOU'RE ALIVE OR DEAD.
>> ARE YOU THE BOSS?
>> I WOULD SAY A COG IN THE WHEEL.
>> THAT SOUNDS INTENSE.
>> HOW LONG IS THIS PROCESS?
>> HARD TO PINPOINT, EXACTLY. BUT IF YOU MAKE IT UNTIL THE
END, NINE DAYS.
>> SO I HAVE NINE DAYS.
>> YES.
>> OR LESS. AFTER THAT?
>> IF YOU'RE SELECTED, THERE'S AN EXTENSION AS A NEWBORN.
IF NOT, I WOULD SAY IT'S THE END.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: NINE DAYS OPENS IN THEATERS IN NEW YORK AND L. A.
JULY 30th, NATIONWIDE AUGUST 6th. PLEASE WELCOME WINSTON DUKE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Nick: OH, HOW YOU DOING?
>> I'M GREAT!
>> Nick: YES?
>> I'M GREAT!
>> Nick: ANY DOG PENIS STORIES YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, NO. I DON'T, I DON'T.
>> Nick: OKAY. WE KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BIT.
WE'VE MET AT A FEW PARTIES ALONG THE WAY.
>> YES, YES, YES.
>> Nick: YOU'RE AMAZING IN "BLACK PANTHER."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES. ARE YOU CURRENTLY SHOOTING "BLACK PANTHER 2"?
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING.
>> Nick: OKAY.
>> UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SNIPED BY A MOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: OKAY, GOTCHA. WE'LL BE VERY COY ABOUT THIS.
>> YEAH.
>> Nick: BECAUSE MARVEL IS VERY COY.
>> I AM WORKING ON A MOVIE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE SHOOTING A MOVIE
THAT RHYMES WITH "MACK MANTHER."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: CAN YOU CONFIRM OR DENY THAT YOU'VE BEEN WEARING FUR
PASHMINAS AND LEATHER?
>> I CAN'T CONFIRM IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL I CAN DO.
>> Nick: YOU MUST ‐‐ THAT MUST HAVE BEEN WILD FOR YOU, DOING
THAT MOVIE. AND DO PEOPLE APPROACH YOU AND
CALL YOU UMBAKU? HOW DOES THAT WORK?
>> IT'S VERY WEIRD BEING CALLED UMBAKU IN WEIRD PLACES YOU WOULD
NEVER EXPECT, IN THE BATHROOM, THINGS LIKE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN BEING A PART OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY, IF THEY LOVE YOU ‐‐
IF THEY LOVE YOU, THAT'S YOU. FOR LIFE.
>> Nick: REALLY?
>> RIGHT? SO LIKE, OH MY GOD, UMBAKU'S GOT
A NEW MOVIE COMING OUT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY LET HIM OUT OF WAKANDA LIKE THAT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S IN THE HOUSE, INTERVIEWING PEOPLE, THAT'S CRAZY!
I SAW UMBAKU IN MEXICO DID YOU KNOW THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M UMBAKU ALL THE TIME TO BLACK PEOPLE. UMBAKU! LIKE, WINSTON.
>> Nick: YES, IT'S WINSTON, YES. I'M A "TINY JEW" TO BLACK
PEOPLE.
>> THEY ALSO KNOW JIMMY KIMMEL AS JIMMY KIMBLE.
RIGHT? MY MAN KNOWS OVER THERE, JIMMY
KIMBLE. YOU MIGHT BE NICK CROWS.
>> Nick: I'LL TAKE IT HAPPILY. PEOPLE GENUINELY BE TO ME ‐‐
THERE'S NOBODY THAT CAN SNIPE YOU BETTER THAN A 14‐YEAR‐OLD
BLACK KID.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Nick: THEY JUST CAN NAIL YOU POP CULTURE‐WISE PERFECTLY.
I THINK TO MOST BLACK TEENAGERS, OH, THERE'S THAT SMALL [ BLEEP ]
DUDE FROM "BIG MOUTH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S WHAT I'LL GET, AND THAT'S GREAT.
>> FABULOUS. IT'S NOT A FUN ONE TO BE KNOWN
AS.
>> Nick: NO, IT'S NOT GREAT. IT'S A CARTOON, OKAY?
>> I'LL TAKE UMBAKU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Nick: IN DOING "BIG MOUTH," I TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR
PUBERTY A LOT. HOW WAS YOUR POUBT? WA PUBERTY?
>> YOU KNOW, THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.
>> Nick: YES.
>> IS IT?
>> Nick: NOBODY'S WATCHING, IT'S JUST US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GET THE KROLL OUT OF HERE. IT'S A SAFE SPACE.
>> Nick: ABSOLUTELY.
>> I'M GOING TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF SETH.
>> Nick: YES, GREAT.
>> AND SHARE A STORY OF MINE THAT, YOU KNOW, I GOT CAUGHT BY
MY MOTHER WATCHING SOME UNSAVORY MATERIAL ONCE.
>> Nick: OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO THAT DAY MY HORMONE MONSTER ‐‐ DO IT!
AND I LISTENED. AND I'M LIKE ‐‐ SHE'S IN THE
LIVING ROOM. THE COMPUTER WAS IN THE LIVING
ROOM. I'M LIKE, AREN'T YOU TIRED? YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE A NAP.
YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S LIKE, NO, I'M FINE, I'M FINE, I'M GOOD.
I'M LIKE, YOU LOOK SO TIRED. YOU SHOULD GO IN THE OTHER ROOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO THEN SHE, AS MOTHER, KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.
SO SHE FAKE FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.
>> Nick: OH.
[ AUDIENCE AWW'ing ]
>> DON'T "AWW" THIS, THIS IS WHY THIS STORY TAKES A TURN.
SO I'M LIKE DOING MY THING. ALL I FEEL IS A SHOE HITS ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S LIKE, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK!
IT'S 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, WINSTON!
AND I'M LIKE, I DIDN'T DO IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I OPENED AN EMAIL, IT ALL DOWNLOADED, AND I WAS TRYING TO
CLOSE IT! SHE'S LIKE, NO, YOU WERE THERE
FOR MINUTES!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN, LIKE A TRUE ‐‐ LIKE, YOU KNOW, CARIBBEAN PARENT.
SHE MADE ATE LITTLE BIT ABOUT HER.
SHE'S LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY SON IS A PERVERT! HOW COULD YOU, LORD?
JESUS CHRIST? HOW DID I RAISE SUCH A PERVERT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN FOR A GOOD TWO YEARS I WAS KNOWN AS THE PORN KING.
>> Nick: OH!
>> ANY TIME THEY WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE, HER AND MY SISTER, IF I
WAS HOME ALONE, WITHIN LIKE A MINUTE THEY WOULD BUST BACK IN
THE DOOR LIKE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PORN KING.
>> Nick: SO YOU JUST HAD TO WAIT?
>> I'D HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 30 MINUTES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Nick: THANK YOU FOR SHARING. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
AND YOUR MOM IS HERE TONIGHT?
>> SHE IS HERE TONIGHT. SHE'S HERE TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SHE'S NOT IN THE AUDIENCE. SHE'S BACKSTAGE.
>> Nick: OKAY. IS SHE WEARING HEELS?
THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW.
>> SHE'S WEARING HEELS, SHE FEELS GOOD ABOUT HERSELF.
SHE'S NOW EMBARRASSED AGAIN.
>> Nick: OKAY. WELL, IT ALL WORKED OUT.
IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR YOU. TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT "NINE
DAYS." WHAT'S THE MOVIE ABOUT?
>> SO THE MOVIE IS ABOUT A MAN WITH A JOB IN THE AFTERLIFE.
AND HIS JOB IS TO INTERVIEW SPIRITS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO
BE BORN.
>> Nick: COOL.
>> HE'S A MAN THAT HAS ‐‐ THE ONE CATCH IS HE'S THE ONLY
PERSON THAT'S EVER ‐‐ HE'S THE ONLY ONE IN THE NARRATIVE THAT'S
EVER LIVED BEFORE. SO HE KNOWS WHAT LIFE IS.
AND HOW HARD IT CAN BE. AND HOW PAINFUL.
AND, YOU KNOW, HE LIVES? A LIFE OF QUARANTINE,
ESSENTIALLY.
>> Nick: WOW.
>> WATCHING THE PEOPLE HE'S CHOSEN SO FAR LIVE THEIR LIVES
THROUGH THEIR EYES.
>> Nick: I'M JUST PICTURING MYSELF, IF EITHER OF US HAD BEEN
INTERVIEWED BY YOUR CHARACTER, IF HE HAD BEEN LIKE WHAT WERE
YOU DOING AT 4:00 P. M. IN HIGH SCHOOL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WOULD HAVE FAILED THAT TEST.
>> Nick: WELL, "NINE DAYS" OPENS
IN THEATERS IN NEW YORK AND L. A. JULY 30th AND NATIONWIDE AUGUST
6th.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, WINSTON. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUSIC
FROM GUCCI MANE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Nick: ALL RIGHT, LET'S CRANK SOME TUNES.
HIS ALBUM IS CALLED "ICE DADDY." PERFORMING "POPPIN" WITH SOME
HELP FROM BIGWALKDOG, GUCCI MANE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
♪ HEY HEY HEY
♪ WHEN YOU POPPIN' EVERY
TIME YOU MOVE YOU GOTTA MOVE WITH A ROCKET
LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL ♪
♪ YOU SEE A POOL
AND A FAUCET DSIGNER HIT THE MAIL COME STRAIGHT ♪
♪ FROM THE TROPIC
GOT A COCONUT SMELL BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN'
SHE ONLY ATE THE ♪
♪ BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC
SHE KNOW I GOT RACKS SO SHE DO IT MORE SLOPPY
OFF A CAN'T TEAL MY BODY ♪
♪ BUT SHE AIN'T GETTING
OUTTA NONE OF THESE POCKETS NAH SHE AIN'T GETTIN' ♪
♪ OUTTA NONE OF THESE
WALLETS BROKE DOWN A ‘BOW JUST TO SMOKE AT HIBACHI ♪
♪ I AIN'T NEED ME A PLUG
I'M THE WHOLE DAMN SOCKET CAME NAILED DOWN A OPP
COME ON HE ROADBLOCKIN' ♪
♪ SIPPIN' ON WOCKY POP
ME A ROXY KNOW THEY GON' WATCH ME BUILT FOR THIS HOW ♪
♪ THEY GON' STOP ME
I WAS JUST LOADIN' UP ON THE DOLLY I FEEL LIKE FLY
I DON'T NEED NOBODY ♪
♪ BIG DAWG I'M FOR REAL
I DON'T NEED CO‐SIGNIN' MIGHT GO GET ME
‘CAT OR A SCAT NO MILEAGE ♪
♪ IN THE CITY WHERE I'M FROM WE
AIN'T HAVE NO GOD PLAY WITH WHO PLAY WITH WOP ♪
♪ KNOW THEY DYIN'
MIGHT JUST GO TO WAFI GET A 20 MAKE IT SHINE
I AIN'T NEVER HAD ♪
♪ NOT A MOTHER DIME
WOP GOT ME OUT THE TRENCHES HAD MURDER ON MY MIND
AND THE PLUG JUST CALLED ♪
♪ SAID 30 ON THE LINE
NEED A P UP IN THE EAST AND NEED A P UP IN THE WEST
HE AIN'T GRABIN' TWO ♪
♪ THEN IT'S ON TO THE NEXT
THIRTEEN WITH MY DADDY WATCHIN' GET FINESSED
ON THE FIRST AND THE THIRD ♪
♪ GETTIN' EVERYBODY CHECK
MAKE A BLOCK DO IT AGAIN GETTIN' EVERYBODY STRETCHED
I DONE MADE IT OUT ♪
♪ SO I'M AT YOU NECK
DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT NEW JACOB OR PATEK FLEX
WHEN YOU POPPIN' ♪
♪ EVERY TIME YOU MOVE
YOU GOTTA MOVE WITH A ROCKET LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL
YOU SEE A POOL ♪
♪ AND A FAUCET
DESIGNER HIT THE MAIL COME STRAIGHT FROM THE TROPIC
GOT A COCONUT SMELL ♪
♪ BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN'
SHE ONLY ATE THE BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC
KNOW I GOT RACKS ♪
♪ SO SHE DO IT MORE SLOPPY
OFF A I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY ♪
♪ BUT SHE AIN'T GETTING OUT OF
NONE OF THESE POCKETS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE
YOU GOTTA MOVE ♪
♪ WITH A ROCKET
LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL YOU SEE A POOL AND A FAUCET
DESIGNER HIT THE MAIL ♪
♪ COME STRAIGHT
FROM THE TROPIC GOT A COCONUT SMELL
BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN' ♪
♪ SHE ONLY ATE THE
BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC SHE NOW I GOT SO SHE DO IT MORE
SLOPPY ♪
♪ I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY
BUT SHE AIN'T GETTIN' OUTTA NONE OF ♪
♪ THESE POCKETS
CAN'T NOBODY POP THE WAY I POP IT HA
MILLION DOLLAR WATCH ♪
♪ ON MY WRIST NO CAPPIN'
SAY HE GOT MONEY WHERE IT WENT WHAT HAPPENED
SIGN WITH GUCCI MANE ♪
♪ GET RICH GO PLATINUM
I KNOW THE FEDS WATCHIN' BUT 12 CAN'T STOP IT
THE BALES CAME IN ♪
♪ I PULLED UP WENT SHOPPIN'
PULL UP IN A DAWN AND THE TOP START DROPPIN'
THEY LET ME OUTTA JAIL ♪
♪ AND THE PRICE
START HOPPIN' CARTEL MAILBOX MONEY
SO DIRTY YOU COULD ♪
♪ SMELL MY MONEY
I'M EQUIPPED BY MONEY IF YOU OWE ME
BETTER PAY MY MONEY ♪
♪ SO RICH THAT I WEIGH
MY MONEY AND I LOOK LIKE MONEY AND I DON'T REALLY NEED ♪
♪ NEW FRIENDS
SO PLEASE STOP CALLIN' ME TWIN I'MA SAY THAT AGAIN
YOU AIN'T NEVER ♪
♪ KILLED NO MAN
SO YOU COULD NEVER FIT IN MY SKIN IT'S BIG GUCCI MANE ♪
♪ EVERY TIME YOU MOVE
YOU GOTTA MOVE WITH A ROCKET LOOKIN' AT THE JEWEL
YOU SEE A POOL ♪
♪ AND A FAUCET
DESIGNER HIT THE MAIL COME STRAIGHT FROM THE TROPIC
GOT A COCONUT SMELL ♪
♪ BUT IT HIT LIKE WE BOXIN'
SHE ONLY ATE THE BUT SHE STILL SAYIN' TOXIC
KNOW I GOT RACKS ♪
♪ SO SHE DO IT MORE
SLOPPILY OFF ‐‐ I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY BUT SHE AIN'T GETTING ♪
♪ OUTTA NONE OF
THESE POCKETS SAME YOUNG STILL POSTED
IN THE TRICK ♪
♪ ON A PLANE WITH AN
OPP 'BOUT TO GO OFF IN HIS I DON'T EVEN LIKE FLYIN'
CAN'T MOVE WITH A STICK ♪
♪ CALLED MY JUNKIE OUT
THE JUNGLE HE GON' PULL UP WITH THE STICK
ON THE PHONE WITH HIM NOW ♪
♪ HE GON' PULL UP BY SIX
TALKIN' 'BOUT TAPPIN' IN I AIN'T TAPPIN' IN
YOU AIN'T TAP IN WITH ME ♪
♪ BEFORE A GOT RICH
MY HOMIE POPPIN' DOCTOR SAY HE AT RISK ♪
♪ SMOKIN' WEDDING CAKE
AIN'T NOBODY MARRIED IN THIS FROM THE STREET NOW
A REALLY MARRIED TO THIS ♪
♪ I WAS BROKE THAN A NOW
I'M HAVIN' ALL THIS GRIP NEED BLUE CHEESE SALAD
NOTHIN' ADDED TO THE MIX ♪
♪ WENT FROM NOODLE WITH
THE CRACKER STEAK ADDED ON THE LIST GOT A ♪
♪ NOTHIN' ADDED
BUT A SWITCH GOT THIS UP OUT THE MUD
WOULDN'T HAND IT TO A ♪
♪ ‘FORE THEY LABEL
ME A RAT THEY GON' LABEL ME A KILLER TOO ♪
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Nick: THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
I WANT TO THANK SETH ROGEN, WINSTON DUKE, GUCCI MANE, AND
JIMMY KIMMEL TOO. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.
C'MON GUILLERMO, I'LL CUT YOU OUT OF THAT SUIT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!