>> Announcer: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!"
TONIGHT, CHRIS PRATT, MICHAEL COHEN, AND MUSIC FROM
THE ISLEY BROTHERS FEATURING SNOOP DOGG.
AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU. IT'S VERY NICE. THANK YOU.
I'M JIMMY. I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW.
WELCOME. RELAX. I HAVE TO SAY WE HAVE SAFETY
MEASURES IN PLACE. I AM STILL GETTING USED TO THE
MASKS IN THE AUDIENCE. FEELS LIKE I WOKE UP FROM
SURGERY AND THEY CALLED IN A HUGE TEAM OF MEDICAL STUDENTS.
WE HAVE 89 VISITORS IN OUR AUDIENCE TONIGHT. ALL VACCINATED.
THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS. THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'RE ON
HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD. HOME OF THE HEPATITIS!
WHERE SPIDER‐MEN COME TO DIE. YOU GOT HERE JUST IN THE NICK OF
TIME. TONIGHT IS MY LAST SHOW BEFORE
SUMMER VACATION. IT HAS BEEN A LONG YEAR.
I NEED TO RELAX, SO I'M GOING DRIVE A THOUSAND MILES WITH TWO
KIDS IN A WINNEBAGO. I WILL BE BACK AFTER LABOR DAY
WEEKEND, AND IN THE MEANTIME, WE'VE ASSEMBLED A STAR‐STUDDED
ROSTER OF GUEST HOSTS, TO FILL IN FOR ME.
AND SPEAKING OF HOSTS, I ALSO WANT TO CONGRATULATE
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON 28 YEARS OF VERY FUNNY LATE NIGHT TELEVISION.
CONAN WRAPPED UP HIS SHOW ON TBS TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE CONAN, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW BEARS COULD
MASTURBATE. DID YOU, GUILLERMO?
>> ME EITHER.
>> Jimmy: ANYWAY, HERE'S TO CONAN AND ANDY RICHTER.
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO JAY LENO I HIS NEW TIME SLOT AT TBS.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS HOW CONAN DID IT BUT THIS WAS QUITE
A GOING‐AWAY ANNOUNCEMENT. IN LOUISVILLE, A WORKER AT
McDONALD'S FOUND A VERY CREATIVE WAY TO HAND IN HIS LETTER OF
RESIGNATION.
>> USING SIGNS THAT WERE POSTED IN THE DRIVE‐IN WINDOW.
THEY POSTED WE ARE CLOSED BECAUSE I AM QUITTING AND I HATE
THIS JOB.
>> Jimmy: "YOU PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR EXTRA DIPPING SAUCE?
YOU DID THIS. THIS IS ON YOU!" WHO DOESN'T SIGN A MASTERPIECE
LIKE THAT? WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MUSIC FROM THE ISELY BROTHERS
AND SNOOP DOGG, CHRIS PRATT IS HERE IN THE FLESH.
AND WE ARE GOING TO BE JOINED BY DONALD TRUMP'S FORMER LAWYER,
MICHAEL COHEN. HE IS NOT HERE IN PERSON BUT HE
HAS GOOD REASON FOR IT. WE SEND AN E‐MAIL TO THE STAFF
WITH INFORMATION ABOUT THE SHOW. IN 18 YEARS OF DOING THIS, IT
MIGHT BE THE BEST NOTE ABOUT A GUEST.
MICHAEL COHEN, REMOTE INTERVIEW, UNDER HOUSE ARREST.
DOES NOT EVEN SOUND LIKE A PUNISHMENT ANYMORE.
AFTER COVID IT IS LIKE HEARING SOMEONE GOT SENTENCED TO NETFLIX.
MICHAEL COHEN HAS A DISTINCTIVE WAY OF SPEAKING, ALMOST A
SCHWARZENEGGER‐QUALITY TO IT AND HE IS VERY ANIMATED.
WE TOOK AUDIO FROM HIS PODCAST AND PUT IT WITH ANIMATION.
>> MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AND BOWS DOWN TO DONALD TRUMP,
SUGGESTS A DEEPLY SICK AND BROKEN POLITICAL SYSTEM.
THESE PEOPLE ARE BY EVERY STRETCH OF THE [ BLEEP ]
IMAGINATION ROTTEN, CORRUPT AND INSANE.
ONE IS AN ALLEGED UNDER AGE SEX TRAFFICKER, ANOTHER A PEDDLER OF
QANON CONSPIRACY, AND THE THIRD
IS WELL DONALD [ BLEEP ] TRUMP.
>> Jimmy: GRAB THEM BY THE SNAGGLEPUSS.
MICHAEL COHEN WILL BE WITH US SHORTLY. DONALD TRUMP, IF YOU ARE
WATCHING, GET THOSE LITTLE THUMBS READY TO SUCK.
YOU KNOW WE HAVE BEEN SAYING HOW PLEASANTLY BORING IT HAS BEEN
WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
DO ANYTHING WEIRD? TODAY HE DID SOMETHING WEIRD.
>> WE SAID WHEN PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR RELIEF.
I GOT THEM $1.9 TRILLION OF RELIEF SO FAR.
AND THEN JUST IN CASE THAT WASN'T CREEPY ENOUGH, HE DID IT
AGAIN TWICE.
>> GUESS WHAT, WHEN EMPLOYERS CAN'T FIND WORKERS.
I SAID YEAH, PAY THEM MORE. I WROTE THE BILL.
ON THE ENVIRONMENT.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW THAT IS HIS SEX VOICE, RIGHT.
THAT IS WHAT WE JUST HEARD. YES. THAT IS THE SOUND JILL BIDEN
HEARS BEFORE HE STARTS CHEWING ON HER HAIR. TOO MUCH? TOO MUCH?
THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED TO ASK MICHAEL COHEN ABOUT.
DONALD TRUMP IS A LAWYER AFTER HIM IS NOW NOT A LAWYER ANYMORE
OR NOT ALLOWED TO PRACTICE IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK.
A NEW YORK STATE COURT TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED RUDY
GIULIANI'S LAW LICENSE FOR MAKING MISLEADING STATEMENTS ON
THE BEHALF OF HIS WORK FOR TRUMP. HE COULD BE BEHIND BARS.
RECOUNT DRACULA DID GET A SHOW OF SUPPORT FROM THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WHO PUT OUT A FORCEFUL STATEMENT SCREAMING ABOUT
JUSTICE AND RUDY'S SON, ANDREW GIULIANI WAS SO UPSET HE MADE A
VIDEO IN A PARKING LOT.
>> THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE TO SEE HOW POLITICIZED ALL OF THIS HAS
BECOME. I AM INFURIATED BY ALL OF IT AND
ANY AMERICAN THAT DEPENDS ON AN INDEPENDENT JUSTICE SYSTEM, THIS
IS GOING AFTER ONE OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CLOSEST ALLIES AND ANY
AMERICAN THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE IT, THEY ARE JUST BIASED.
>> IS HE LIKE THREE FEET TALL? THE GUY WANTS TO BE GOVERNO AND
DOESN'T HAVE A FRIEND TO HOLD THE IPHONE FOR HIM.
ONLY THE BEST PEOPLE. THE MY PILLOW MAN, MIKE LINDELL,
NOT ONLY DEFENDING HIMSELF IN A HUGE LAWSUIT FROM DOMINION, HE
IS BEING ATTACKED BY O. J. SIMPSON.
>> THIS LINDELL GUY ‐‐ I GOT MY BEEF WITH HIM.
MY FAMILY AND SISTERS AND KIDS MUST HAVE BOUGHT 20 OR 30 OF
THOSE PILLOWS. NOT ONE OF THOSE PILLOWS IN ANY
OF OUR HOUSES. GO TO COSTCO. GO TO TARGET.
GET A GOOD PILLOW. I AM JUST SAYING.
>> JUST SO I HAVE IT STRAIGHT, O.J. IS COMPLAINING ABOUT SORE
NECKS? IT FINALLY HAPPENED, IRONY HAS
PEAKED. ALL RIGHT. IT IS THURSDAY NIGHT.
AND THAT MEANS IT IS TIME TO BLEEP AND BLUR THE BIG TV
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK, WHETHER THEY NEED IT OR NOT.
IT IS TIME FOR THIS WEEK IN UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP.
>> THANKS FOR INVITING ME BACK. I AM GLAD TO KNOW MY [ BLEEP ]
JOKES ON FRIDAY DID NOT SCARE ANYONE AWAY.
>> THE [ BLEEP ] JOKES WERE THE BOMB.
>> WE ARE NOT GO TO GIVE UP.
>> YOU [ BLEEP ] YOUR WIFE ON THE DRIVING RANGE.
>> YOU DON'T WANT TO KEEP REJECTING THE OFFERS OF
PROSECUTORS, ONE DAY YOU COULD WAKE UP WITH A HORSE'S
[ BLEEP ].
>> IS IT TOO LATE FOR ‐‐
>> I AM ‐‐ IT WAS MY
[ BLEEP ] ‐‐ MY [ BLEEP ] GOT
STUCK IN MY UNDERWEAR.
>> OH.
>> WHAT JESSE DOES IS THAT HE RESPONDS TO HIS MOM AND SAYS
STOP [ BLEEP ]. IT GOES ON AND ON.
>> IT GOES ON QUITE A BIT.
>> YOU KNOW OVER THE YEARS PEOPLE ASKED ME, HEY MAN, DID
YOU [ BLEEP ] GAY ATHLETES. OF COURSE I DID.
>> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. TRUMP'S FORMER ATTORNEY MICHAEL
COHEN IS WITH US, MUSIC FROM THE ISELY BROTHERS AND SNOOP DOGG.
CHRIS PRATT IS HERE. AND IT IS TIME TO ASK THREE
RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS, THIS TIME
OF ELIZA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE THE FUNNIEST PART OF BEING IN HELL?
>> THE FUNNIEST PART OF BEING IN HELL?
>> YEAH.
>> I WOULD BE LAUGHING AT ALL OF THE OTHER JERKS THAT DESERVED IT
MORE THAT ARE ALSO THERE.
>> Jimmy: STAND BY THE ENTRANCE.
>> MY SKIN IS BURNING BUT I AM COMFORTING TO KNOW YOUR SKIN IS
BURNING AS WELL.
>> Jimmy: LOOK WHO'S HERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS A NAME WHEN YOU HEAR IT YOU JUST KNOW THE
PERSON WILL BE ANNOYING?
>> MATT. IT IS GOING TO BE GOOD OR BAD.
MATT. I DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK. PROBABLY THE EASIEST QUESTION I
WILL FIELD TODAY.
>> Jimmy: WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE SEVEN TOES OR NINE FINGERS.
>> SEVEN TOES. EXTRA SPEED.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE FASTER?
>> ALL OF THAT TORQUE IN THAT LITTLE TOE PROJECTING YOU.
>> Jimmy: YOU DON'T HAVE THE LITTLE TOE.
>> MY GOD. YOU ARE RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T MEAN ON ONE FOOT. I MEANT TOTAL.
>> I FORGOT HOW MANY TOES I HAD. BONUS TOES.
>> Jimmy: A TOAST TO BONUS TOES.
>> Jimmy: TONIGHT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FORMER ATTORNEY ‐‐
HE IS NOW HOST OF THE PODCAST "MEA CULPA."
MICHAEL COHEN IS WITH US. THEN LATER, ICONIC MEETS CHRONIC.
THEIR SONG TOGETHER IS CALLED "FRIENDS AND FAMILY."
MUSIC FROM THE ISLEY BROTHERS WITH THE SOUND OF SNOOP DOGG.
AS I MENTIONED, THIS WILL BE MY LAST SHOW FOR THE NEXT COUPLE
MONTHS. I'M TAKING THE SUMMER OFF TO
HELP FREE BRITNEY. I'M ACTUALLY GOING ON SUMMER
VACATION. I'M TAKING A PAGE FROM THE
CICADA PLAYBOOK. MY PLAN IS TO BURROW
UNDERGROUND, AND THEN EMERGE REBORN AND READY TO ANNOY THE
EVERYONE. WHILE I AM GONE WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY GREAT GUEST HOSTS
LINED UP INCLUDING WANDA SYKES, NICK KROLL, DAVID SPADE,
ANTHONY MACKIE, SARAH SILVERMAN, ARSENIO HALL, JULIE BOWEN,
MAREN MORRIS, PHOEBE ROBINSON, NIALL HORAN, AND SOME SURPRISE
NAMES TOO.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO BUT I THINK YOU AND O. J. ARE GO TO HIT
IT OFF. AND ON TOP OF THAT, OUR ANNUAL
NBA FINALS GAME NIGHT SPECIALS WILL BE HOSTED BY OUR DEAR
FRIEND, ANTHONY ANDERSON, THIS YEAR.
ANTHONY'S GUESTS WILL INCLUDE DWAYNE JOHNSON,
CHANCE THE RAPPER, JASON MOMOA, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, KEVIN GARNETT,
AND MORE. SO THANK YOU TO ANTHONY.
AND NO CRAZY PARTIES WHILE I AM GONE THIS YEAR.
>> NEVER, I PROMISE YOU.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU. OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A
HUGELY SUCCESSFUL MOVIE STAR, STAR LORD AND TAMER OF DINOSAURS.
NEXT HE TRAVELS TO THE FUTURE TO PUNCH ALIENS IN THEIR VERSION OF
A FACE IN "THE TOMORROW WAR."
PLEASE WELCOME CHRIS PRATT.
>> WOW! JIMMY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
LETTING ME BE A PART OF THIS INCREDIBLE NIGHT.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS LOVE HAVING YOU HERE.
IT IS ALWAYS AN INCREDIBLE NIGHT.
>> AND IT'S SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO CONGRATULATE YOU, IN PERSON,
ON YOUR LAST SHOW.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
>> WOW, HOW MANY YEARS HAS IT BEEN?
>> Jimmy: HAS WHAT BEEN? SINCE WE WENT ON THE AIR?
>> DUH!
>> Jimmy: 18 1/2.
>> WOW. WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
THAT'S AWESOME MAN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO
DO WITHOUT YOU.
>> Jimmy: I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOME CONFUSION HERE.
>> AND BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST‐EVER SHOW, I WANTED TO SEND
YOU OFF IN STYLE.
GUILLERMO?!
AND DON'T WORRY PAL, NOW THAT YOU WON'T BE ON TV ANYMORE, YOU
CAN HAVE AS MUCH OF THAT CAKE A!
>> Jimmy: BUT I AM GOING TO BE
ON TV AGAIN.
>> YEAH. SURE YOU WILL. THAT IS THE SPIRIT.
NEVER GIVE UP. BUT BEFORE YOU GO AWAY FOR GOOD,
LET'S JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT.
I KNOW STUFF LIKE THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT I HAD THE EDITORS PUT TOGETHER SOME OF THE GREATEST
MOMENTS FROM THE SHOW. AND WE WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH,
FOREVER.
>> Jimmy: BUT I'M NOT ‐‐
>> LET'S ROLL THAT NOW.
♪ I WILL REMEMBER YOU ♪
♪ WILL YOU REMEMBER ME
♪ LET YOUR LIFE PASS YOU BY
>> Jimmy: WOW. WOW. WELCOME, I GUESS. WOW.
>> SO MANY INCREDIBLE MEMORIES, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE TO SAY
GOOD‐BYE.
>> Jimmy: THE THING IS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY GOOD‐BYE.
IT IS MY LAST SHOW FOR THE SUMMER.
>> OH, YOU ARE STAYING ON?
>> Jimmy: YEAH. YES.
>> WHY?
>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY? I LOVE MY JOB.
>> ALL RIGHT. COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
SO WHAT, YOU ARE JUST GOING ON VACATION?
>> Jimmy: YEAH. SUMMER VACATION.
>> GOD. GUILLERMO, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
THIS?
>> YEAH. BUT I WANTED A PIECE OF CAKE.
>> UNBELIEVABLE. THIS IS UNREAL.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
YEAH.
♪
>> HE IS NOT ‐‐ HE IS NOT EVEN LEAVING.
>> HE IS NOT LEAVING?
>> YEAH. HE IS STAYING ON.
>> Jimmy: YEAH. I'M COMING BACK.
>> WHY?
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW. THIS WAS NOT MY RETIREMENT.
>> CAN I AT LEAST FINISH THE SONG?
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> THAT [ BLEEP ] SUCKS.
>> Jimmy: KENNY G JUST CURSED IN OUR ROOM.
>> CAN I AT LEAST GET A PICTURE? MY KIDS LOVE ""STAR WARS.""
>> GUILLERMO, GET KENNY G THE
[ BLEEP ] OUT OF THERE.
>> I'M TAKING THE CAKE.
>> Jimmy: YOU TAKE THE CAKE.
>> YOU CAN'T EAT THIS NOW.
>> Jimmy: I CAN SEE YOU THINK CONFUSED, BUT YOU WOULD THINK MY
STAFF WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO MAKE A SIGN LIKE THAT.
>> GET RID OF IT. WE DON'T NEED THE SIGN.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW THIS WILL BE ‐‐ THIS CAN NOW BE INSTEAD OF
MY RETIREMENT CAKE IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE.
>> THANK YOU. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE THAT BIT FOR ME JUST TO GET ME A
PIECE OF CAKE. YOU JUST GOT ME CAKE.
>> Jimmy: YOU TAKE CAKE HOWEVER YOU CAN GET IT.
>> THAT'S THE TRUTH.
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> WELL.
>> Jimmy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY. DID YOU HAVE A PARTY?
>> THANKS, GUYS. IT IS STILL MY BIRTHDAY WEEK, SO
YOU CAN CELEBRATE ME.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS RIGHT.
>> YEAH. WELL, I AM WORKING RIGHT NOW AND
I WAS AT WORK ALL DAY ON MY BIRTHDAY.
BUT WHEN I GOT HOME, KATHRYN PREPARED A MASSIVE DINNER, AND
WE GOT TO HAVE A, YOU KNOW, A DINNER PARTY OF EIGHT PEOPLE.
>> Jimmy: NICE. VERY NICE.
>> IT WAS ON A TABLE I HAD NEVER EATEN ON BEFORE.
BY NICK OFFERMAN. HE IS A WOOD WORKER.
NICK MADE ME A TABLE. HE MADE ME A TABLE OUT OF A
DOUGLAS FIR THAT IS LIKE 181 YEARS OLD.
IT WOULD BE 183 IF IT WERE STILL ALIVE BUT CUT DOWN TWO YEARS AGO
AND BORN THE SAME YEAR AS WILD BILL HICKOCK.
IT HAS BEEN CONDITIONED. DOUGLAS FIR IS KIND OF A SOFT
WOOD. HE CUT TWO MASSIVE PLANKS. HE DOES AMAZING WORK.
WE GOT TO HAVE MY BIRTHDAY DINNER AT THE TABLE THAT NICK
OFFERMAN‐MADE.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS SO IMPRESSIVE WHEN SOMEONE IN HOLLYWOOD CAN DO
SOMETHING.
>> RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT, RIGHT.
>> YEAH. HOLLYWOOD TURNS PEOPLE INTO
BEING COMPLETELY USELESS.
>> Jimmy: INTO YOUNG CHILDREN. ANYTHING ELSE, DO NOT LOOK TO ME
TO DO ANYTHING.
>> Jimmy: AND WHAT KIND OF FOOD DID YOU HAVE?
>> SHE USED THE GRILL TO SMOKE TWO BIG PORK BUTT ROASTS.
SHE WAS SO MAD BECAUSE I WAS LIKE CAN YOU DO ‐‐ I WILL DO
EVERYTHING BECAUSE THERE IS AN APP AND I CAN DO IT FROM MY
PHONE. I WILL DO EVERYTHING FROM WORK.
ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A TEN MONTH
OLD BABY. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE TAKING 12
HOURS TO SMOKE PORK BUTT. I FORGOT WE CHANGED THE WI‐FI AT
THE HOUSE. I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING FROM WORK.
SHE HAD TO DO THE WHOLE THING FROM HOME AND DID A GREAT JOB.
>> SHE SMOKED SOME BUTT FOR YOU, TOOK CARE OF THE BABY AND PUT IT
ALL OUT ON THE TABLE. I HAVE TO ASK, DID YOUR
FATHER‐IN‐LAW, DID HE GET YOU A PRESENT?
>> HE DID.
>> DO YOU THINK HE PICKED IT OUT HIMSELF?
>> OF THE MANY THINGS THAT ARE SURPRISING TO ME ABOUT ARNOLD,
HE IS AN INCREDIBLE GIFT GIVER. HE DOESN'T PASS IT OFF.
REALLY BEAUTIFUL CIGAR BOX WITH ARTWORK FROM THE TOMORROW WAR
WHICH OPENS ON AMAZON PRIME
VIDEO JULY 2nd.
IT IS MY PICTURE AND YOU OPEN IT UP. SIGNED HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS,
LOVE ARNOLD.
>> Jimmy: DID HE REALLY GET YOU A CIGAR BOX THAT SAYS THE
TOMORROW WAR ON IT?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: A PROMOTIONAL ITEM AND HE SIGNED IT.
>> HE SIGNED IT.
>> Jimmy: DID HE WRITE HIS LAST NAME?
>> JUST ARNOLD.
>> Jimmy: NOT DAD OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH. IF HE WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT OUT.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS GREAT.
>> MY KIDS WILL BE LIKE THAT IS GRANDPA'S CIGAR BOX HE GAVE DAD.
>> Jimmy: WE ARE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK AND COME BACK TO SEE THE
MOVIE SO CELEBRATED THAT IT BECAME A CIGAR BOX RESIDING IN
CHRIS PRATT'S HOME. "THE TOMORROW WAR."
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS CHRIS PRATT IN "THE TOMORROW WAR."
NOW, IN THIS MOVIE YOU PLAY A SCIENCE TEACHER WHO TRAVELS
THROUGH TIME TO FIGHT ALIENS.
>> CORRECT.
>> Jimmy: NOW MY SCIENCE TEACHER ‐‐ DO YOU HAVE A SCIENCE
TEACHER IN HIGH SCHOOL?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: MINE WAS NOT FIGHTING ALIENS. HIS NAME WAS MR. DOUGLAS.
IF WE WERE LATE TO CLASS, YOU HAD TO STOP BY ARBY'S AND GET
HIM A JAMOCHA SHAKE OR YOU WERE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
MR. DOUGLAS WAS NOT GOING TO THE FUTURE OR FIGHTING ANYBODY.
>> I HAD A REALLY COOL HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY TEACHER.
HE WAS LIKE INDIANA JONES.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> IN A TOWN OF 7,000 PEOPLE, HE WAS LIKE OUR INDIANA JONES.
>> Jimmy: DID HE WEAR A FEDORA?
>> ALWAYS HAD KNIVES ON HIM. SUPER INAPPROPRIATE FOR SCHOOL.
>> Jimmy: SOUNDS LIKE HE SHOULD BE REMOVED.
>> HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN, I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: HE IS LUCKY INDIANA JONES CAME OUT, OTHERWSE HE
WOULD BE A PSYCHO PATH.
>> HE IS LIKE I DON'T WATCH TV. HE WAS GREAT.
HE HAD COOL ARTIFACTS AND EXPERIMENTS.
>> Jimmy: YOU SHOT THE MOVIE IN ICELAND, A PLACE I ALWAYS WANTED
TO GO AND SEE. AND THE NORTHERN LIGHTS IS
SOMETHING THAT IS REALLY LIKE IF THERE IS A BUCKET LIST IN MY
BRAIN, THAT IS DEFINITELY IN THE TOP FIVE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH AND ACTUALLY SHOT VIDEO
OF IT.
>> I WAS ABLE TO SEE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS UP CLOSE.
IT WAS KIND OF MAGIC. OUR DAUGHTER WAS CONCEIVED IN
ICELAND. I THINK IT IS DUE TO OUR EXPOSURE.
>> Jimmy: LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE VIDEO AND YOU CAN TELL US
ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE AND WHAT
YOU SAW.
SO PRETTY GOD.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
>> SHE WAS PREGNANT. SHE WAS LIKE 15 MINUTES PREGNANT.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU REALLY HELP PACK?
THAT IS BAD FOR ME IF YOU DO. ARE YOU A HELPER WHEN IT COMES
TO PACKING?
>> NO. NO. SOMETIMES. USUALLY MY JOB IS TO CLOSE IT
AND ZIP IT. WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT
WITHOUT ME.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE THAT MOMENT YOU ARE GOING TO ‐‐
REALLY, REALLY WE ARE TRYING TO FORCE ALL OF THE STUFF INTO HERE.
>> I HAVE TO CLOSE IT ANOTHER 18 INCHES.
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR ANY OF THE STUFF.
>> Jimmy: YOUR HIGH HEELS ARE ALL FLATS NOW.
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU ARE ALWAYS OFF SHOOTING SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU SHOOTING RIGHT NOW?
>> I AM WORKING ON A SHOW CALLED THE TERMINAL LIST HERE IN LOS
ANGELES, BASED ON A BEST SELLING NOVEL BY JACK CARR, A DARK
CONSPIRACY THRILLER, AND WE SHOOT IT HERE IN L. A.
>> Jimmy: WHEN DO YOU SHOOT ANOTHER GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
SERIES?
>> I WILL DO THE NEXT ONE ‐‐ YEAH.
WE WILL BE SHOOTING AT THE END OF THIS YEAR AND BEGINNING OF
NEXT YEAR. NOVEMBER TO APRIL.
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN SAY NOTHING ABOUT IT I ASSUME?
>> CORRECT.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT YET?
>> YEAH, I KNOW EVERYTHING. THE SCRIPT WAS WRITTEN YEARS AGO
BECAUSE WE WERE GOING TO DO IT YEARS AGO AND DUE TO UNFORSEEN
CIRCUMSTANCES.
>> Jimmy: DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
>> I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED.
BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WE WILL SHOOT IT.
AND IT WILL BE DIRECTED BY JAMES
GUNN.
>> Jimmy: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BABY AND ON THE MOVIE AND
ON THE NEW TABLE. ALL BIG THINGS. CHRIS PRATT EVERYBODY.
TOMORROW WAR PREMIERES A WEEK FROM TOMORROW ON AMAZON PRIME.
WE WILL E RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL COHEN.
>> Jimmy: MUSIC FROM THE ISELY BROTHERS WITH SNOOP DOGG IS ON
THE WAY. THE NEXT GUEST IS THE LAST GUEST
ON VIDEO CHAT AND FIRST UNDER HOUSE ARREST.
HE HAS A PODCAST, MEA CULPA WITH MICHAEL COHEN. HELLO MICHAEL.
>> JIMMY, HOW ARE YOU?
>> Jimmy: I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IF YOU ARE EVER UNDER HOUSE ARREST, YOU PICKED THE RIGHT
YEAR TO DO IT.
>> YEAH. THAT IS PROBABLY TRUE.
I WOULD RATHER BE WITH YOU THERE IN STUDIO SO I COULD DRESS LIKE
CHRIS PRATT INSTEAD OF HAVING TO WEAR A JACKET AND TIE.
I WOULD HAVE COME IN A T‐SHIRT TOO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY. I HAVE A MILLION QUESTIONS FOR
YOU AND I WANT TO START WITH A STORY IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS BUT TRUMP REPORTEDLY ASKED THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IF THEY COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ‐L
OF HIM. DOES THAT SOUND RIGHT TO YOU?
>> YEAH. FIRST OF ALL, I SAW IT.
I AM HOME CONFINEMENT AND LOCKED IN MY APARTMENT FOR 21 HOURS A
DAY. THE ANSWER IS YEAH. THE GUY IS THIN‐SKINNED.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. EVERY SINGLE THING BOTHERS HIM.
YOU RECALL THAT TIME WITH BARAK OBAMA WHEN HE DESTROYED HIM AT
THE WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENTS DINNER.
I SAID BOSS, QUESTION FOR YOU. WERE YOU OKAY. WERE YOU OKAY.
NOTHING BOTHERS ME. NOTHING. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WANTED TO CRY.
YOU KNOW IT GOES TO SHOW YOU EXACTLY THE THIN‐SKINNED NATURE
OF THE MAN.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN DONALD TRUMP CRY?
>> NO. BUT I HAVE SEEN HIM WITH HIS
HAIR WET COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER.
THAT IS NOT A PRETTY PICTURE EITHER.
>> Jimmy: WERE YOU HAPPY OR SADDENED ABOUT THE NEWS THAT
RUDY GIULIANI HAD HIS LICENSE TO PRACTICE LAW SUSPENDED.
>> RUDY TURNS AROUND AND SAID I AM UPON NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE
SUSPENSION ON MY LICENSE. OF COURSE HE IS NOT WORRIED.
HE IS WORRIED ABOUT GOING TO PRISON.
AND REMEMBER, YOU KNOW, IN PRISON NOBODY IS CHECKING YOUR
CREDENTIALS. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY FOR
THAT EITHER. THE BEST IS HIS IDIOT SON,
ANDREW WHO TURNS OUT TO SAY I AM INTOURIATED.
ANDREW, NO ONE CARES, RIGHT. I AM FINE WITH IT.
AND THIS IDIOT WANTS TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNEW ALL OF THESE GUYS, RIGHT.
THESE WERE GUYS YOU SOCIALIZED WITH AND NOW WORKED WITH AND NOW
THEY ALL COALESCED AGAINST YOU AND YOU ARE AGAINST THEM AS WELL.
>> WELL, YEAH. I KNOW MOST OF THEM.
THE LAST TIME I SAW ANDREW WAS GIVING A GOLF LESSON AT ONE OF
TRUMP'S CLUBS.
>> Jimmy: OUT OF ALL OF THE LOW‐LIVES IN TRUMP LAND, THE
LOWEST. RANK THE TOP THREE.
>> YOU HAVE TO START WITH THE BIG GUY HIMSELF, DONALD,
PROBABLY THE BIGGEST LOW‐LIFE. YOU HAVE ALLEN WEISSELBERG AND
THEN YOU HAVE MATTHEW CALAMARI
AND EQUAL ARE THE THREE KIDS, JARED, AND THEN IT IS ONE BIG
GIANT FAMILY OF GRIFT. THERE IS NOT ONE OF THEM THAT
HAS A REDEEMING VALUE. THEY DON'T CARE.
AS A FAMILY AND AS A INSTITUTION THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE OR
ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEMSELVES.
>> Jimmy: IT MUST HAVE HURT YOU DEEPLY WHEN THEY TURNED ON YOU.
RIDICULOUSLY LOYAL TO THE POINT WHERE YOU DID ILLEGAL THINGS AND
LIED ON BEHALF OF DONALD TRUMP. ONCE THE FBI RAIDED YOUR
APARTMENT, THAT WAS IT FOR YOU GUYS?
>> NOT PARTICULARLY. TRUMP CALLED ME THAT NIGHT THE
WAY A MOB BOSS WOULD CALL ONE OF HIS UNDERLINGS SAYING I GOT YOU.
YOU ARE PROTECTED. EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
NOTHING WILL BE HAPPENING. STAY ON COURSE. STAY ON MESSAGE.
WE'RE ALL GOOD. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER
HEARD FROM HIM.
>> Jimmy: DID HE LIE EVERY DAY. WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT
HAPPENED PREVIOUS TO HIS POLITICAL LIFE?
>> EVERY SINGLE DAY. NOT A DAY THAT WENT BY THERE
WASN'T A LIE ABOUT SOMETHING. IN MY BOOK "DISLOYAL" I TALK
ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM. HE LIED TO MY FACE.
I BOUGHT AN APARTMENT IN ONE OF HIS BUILDINGS.
THE FIRST THING OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS I GAVE YOU A GREAT DEAL.
I PAID MARKET PRICE. I SAID TO HIM YOU WANT TO BUY IT
BACK, I WILL SELL YOU IT BACK FOR WHAT I PAID FOR IT.
HE SAID NO. YOU GOT A GREAT DEAL.
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS THE DUMBEST OF LEAST CONSEQUENCE?
>> HARD TO SAY. ALMOST EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT
OF HIS MOUTH WAS ACTUALLY STUPID. MANY OF US HAD TO SPEND SO MUCH
TIME EACH AND EVERY DAY COVERING UP.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ‐‐ WE KNOW
THERE WERE NO BONE SPURS. WE KNOW THAT IS A LIE.
>> Jimmy: HE CLAIMED THE REASON HE WASN'T ABLE TO GO ON ACTIVE
MILITARY SERVICE WAS BECAUSE HE HAD BONE SPURS.
HE WAS ABLE TO GET OUT OF THE DRAFT. YOU ARE SAYING IT NEVER
HAPPENED.
>> WE ARE TALKING ABOUT VIETNAM. IT NEVER STOPPED HIM FROM
PLAYING FIVE ROUNDS OF GOLF A WEEK OR RUNNING TO THE
McDONALD'S FOR THE TWO FOR ONE BIG MAC SPECIAL, RIGHT.
AND JIMMY, THE PART THAT BOTHERED ME THE MOST ABOUT IT IS
AFTER WE WOULD MEET A WOUNDED VETERAN, THE ONLY THING THIS
IDIOT WOULD TURN AROUND AND SAY IS WHY WOULD ANYBODY GO TO WAR.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. LOOK HOW THEY ARE COMING BACK.
NOT ME. I WOULDN'T DO IT. THAT IS WHY IN MY HOUSE
OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE, I LOOKED STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA AND
FOUND IT INTERESTING WHILE I WAS DOING THE SPEECH HE WAS THERE IN
VIETNAM WITH KIM JONG UN.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOLERATED THIS FOR A LONG TIME AND YOU KNEW WHAT
WAS GOING ON AND KEPT WORKING FOR THE GUY AND LYING ON HIS
BEHALF.
>> I DON'T WANT TO SAY I WAS LYING ON HIS BEHALF AS MUCH AS
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF INDIVIDUALS BECAUSE OF, YOU KNOW, HIS NATURE
AND BECAUSE OF THE THINGS THAT I WAS TASKED WITH.
IN THE BOOK I TALK ABOUT THE PAINT ISSUE WHERE WE GOT
$200,000 WORTH OF FREE PAINT. THESE ARE THE STUPID THINGS HE
WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW, MYSELF AND OTHER LAWYERS IN THE COMPANY GO
FOR.
>> Jimmy: IF YOU KNOW HE DOES NOT HAVE BONE SPURS AND THAT IS
WHY HE AVOIDED VIETNAM AND YOU SAY BONE SPURS.
LISTEN, THAT'S LYING. MICHAEL, THAT IS LYING.
>> I AGREE. THAT IS A LIE.
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO ASK YOU
ABOUT MATT GAETZ.
DOES YOUR WIFE AND FATHER‐IN‐LAW KNOW ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.
I WONDER IF SHE WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL WHILE YOU WERE IN
PRISON. WAS THAT TRUMP SPEAKING THROUGH
MATT GAETZ OR JUST MATT?
>> THAT IS MATT INGRATEIATING HIMSELF. THAT IS JUST A PURE
DEFLECTION, PATHETIC AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND YET PEOPLE VOTED
FOR HIM. I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT
AMERICA SEES IN INDIVIDUALS LIKE THE MATT GAETZ, JOSH HAWLEY,
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE. IF ANY OF THEM ARE WATCHING THE
SHOW, TIME TO THINK ABOUT AMERICA.
THESE PEOPLE ARE GO TO DESTROY THE COUNTRY.
>> Jimmy: IF TRUMP GOES TO JAIL WILL MELANIA WAIT FOR HIM?
>> I DON'T THINK SHE IS WAITING FOR HIM RIGHT NOW.
>> Jimmy: IS THIS GOING TO BE THE ONE?
I KNOW YOU SAID YOU EXPECT IN THE NEXT 30 TO 60 DAYS SOMETHING
WILL HAPPEN THAT TRUMP WILL BE CHARGED WITH SOMETHING.
YOU WENT TO JAIL. RUDY MIGHT GO TO JAIL.
HIS LAWYERS ALL SEEMED TO GET A PUNISHMENT.
HOW IS THIS GUY ABLE TO DODGE IT?
>> WHEN IT COMES TO THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, AND I
SAID IT IN MANY, MANY TWEETS. THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE TURN
SLOWLY BUT EVENTUALLY TURN FULL CIRCLE.
UNDERSTAND YOU ARE NOT JUST FIGHTING ANYBODY.
YOU ARE FIGHTING SOMEBODY THAT HAS MONEY BEHIND HIM AND THE
FORMER POWER OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
HE WILL FIGHT LIKE THE DOG THAT HE IS.
HE IS HIRING LAWYERS, I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH ANY OF THE
LAWYERS HE HIRED. HERE IS WHERE HE IS IN TROUBLE.
HE IS IN TROUBLE. ALLEN WEISSELBERG.
WEISSELBERG'S KIDS, MATT CALAMARI. RUDY GIULIANI.
THEY ARE ALL IN TROUBLE BECAUSE THERE IS DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE IN
THEIR POSSESSION ONE OF THEM WILL FLIP TO SAVE THEMSELVES AND
WHEN YOU GET WEISSELBERG, YOU DON'T NEED CALAMARI AND THEY
DON'T NEED EITHER BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE DOCUMENTS TO PROVE THE
ILLEGALITIES DONE BY TRUMP.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAID CALAMARI.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL. HE HAS GOT STORMY DANIELS ON ONE
EPISODE. THAT IS QUITE A CONVERSATION.
THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US. WE WILL BE BACK WITH ISELY
BROTHERS AND SNOOP DOGG.
>>> THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY
MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
IT IS A GOOD TIME FOR SOME GOOD MUSIC. THE SONG IS CALLED
"FRIENDS AND FAMILY," WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE SMOOTH
SOUNDS OF SNOOP DOGG,
THE ISLEY BROTHERS!
♪ BREAK OUT THE FOOD AND
THE DRINKS IT'S GONNA BE A PARTY WELL
TURN UP THE MUSIC REAL ♪
♪ LOUD INVITE EVERYBODY
WELL GO RIGHT 'HEAD AND SMOKE AND PLAY SOME CARDS
JUST MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME ♪
♪ YEAH IT'S OKAY TO TAKE
SOMEBODY'S HAND AND GET YOUR GROOVE ON
WE'RE ALL UP IN HERE WOAH ♪
♪ TIMING COULDN'T BE
BETTER YEAH I LOVE TO SEE MY PEOPLE COME
TOGETHER TALKIN' 'BOUT ♪
♪ FRIENDS YEAH FRIENDS
OH AND FAMILY
OH OH OH OH OH OH I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT FRIENDS ♪
♪ FRIENDS AND FAMILY
OH OH OH OH OH OH OH NOW EVERYONE IS GETTING ALONG
YEAH ♪
♪ THE FEELING IN HERE IS
SO AWESOME WELL WHY DON'T WE JUST GO ON AND
CALL THIS PARTY A WORLD ♪
♪ REUNION?
YEAH LET'S REMINISCE ON ALL OF THE
TIMES WE SHARED THROUGH ♪
♪ ALL THE YEARS WOAH
LET'S MAKE A TOAST TO THE ONES THAT WE LOVE AND WE MISS
AND COULD NOT BE HERE YEAH ♪
♪ WE'RE ALL UP IN HERE
WOAH‐OH TIMING COULDN'T BE BETTER YEAH
I LOVE TO SEE MY PEOPLE ♪
♪ COME TOGETHER
SKIP AD TALKIN' 'BOUT FRIENDS YEAH FRIENDS ♪
♪ OH AND FAMILY
OH OH OH OH OH OH I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT FRIENDS
FRIENDS AND FAMILY ♪
♪ OH OH OH OH OH OH OH
ALTHOUGH WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH WE STILL HAD EACH OTHER
AND WHAT WE WENT THROUGH ♪
♪ WE WENT THROUGH IT
TOGETHER WELL WE STICK TOGETHER SAID
THROUGH THICK OR THIN ♪
♪ I THANK GOD FOR FAMILY
AND ALL OUR DAY ONE FRIENDS
DO YOUR TWO‐STEP NOW TAKE ♪
♪ IT TO THE LEFT YEAH
LEFT UH LEFT YEAH LEFT UH DO YOUR TWO‐STEP AND TAKE
IT TO THE RIGHT UH‐HUH ♪
♪ RIGHT UH‐HUH RIGHT
UH‐HUH RIGHT YEAH I SHUFFLE MY FEET AND MOVE
TO THE LEFT OOH ♪
♪ I CHECK MY OUTFIT I'M
SO FRESH TO DEATH HAND MY DRINK TO WIFEY AND
SIT MY CUP DOWN ♪
♪ NOW THE WHOLE FAM‐BAM
GETTIN' DOWN I MEAN I MEAN I JUST HAD A
PLATE OF THEM GREENS ♪
♪ I'M ON THE DANCE FLOOR
GROOVIN' LIKE A DANCING MACHINE I GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY ♪
♪ LIKE I USUALLY DO
I WANNA BE LIVIN' FOR THE LOVE OF YOU
SEE IT'S YOUR THING SO DO ♪
♪ WHAT YOU WANNA DO
'CAUSE YOU GON' HAVE A GOOD TIME WHEN YOU IN FRONT OF
SNOOP AND THAT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ THOUGH
MY MAMA SAY STOP THE MUSIC 'CAUSE SHE WANNA TAKE A PHOTO
SO WE OBLIGE AND STEP TO ♪
♪ THE SIDE COME ON COME ON
NOW THE WHOLE FAM DOIN' THE ELECTRIC SLIDE
BRING IT IN Y'ALL ♪
♪ LIKE THAT ONE TWO
ONE TWO UNCLE RON WHAT YOU WANT 'EM TO DO?
NOW YOU GOT IT ♪
♪ LET'S DO IT AGAIN LIKE
FRIENDS YEAH FRIENDS OH AND FAMILY YEAH
OH OH OH OH OH OH FAMILY ♪
♪ I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT
FRIENDS OH FRIENDS OH AND FAMILY OH OH OH OH OH OH ♪
♪ FAMILY I'M TALKIN'
'BOUT FAMILY DO YOU REMEMBER? DO YOU REMEMBER? ♪
♪ DO YOU REMEMBER?
DO YOU REMEMBER? YEAH OH I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ♪
♪ FRIENDS
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
WOAH OH OH LET'S STAY TOGETHER ♪
♪ HEY WE GOTTA STAY
TOGETHER HEY GOTTA STAY TOGETHER
HEY STAY TOGETHER ♪
>>> THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY
MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: THANKS TO CHRIS PRATT, MICHAEL COHEN,
KENNY G AND ISELY BROTHERS. I WILL SEE YOU AFTER LABOR DAY
UNLESS I FALL IN THE GRAND CANYON IN WHICH CASE I WILL MISS
YOU TOO. GOOD NIGHT.