>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!"
TONIGHT, DON CHEADLE, PATTI HARRISON, AND MUSIC FROM
"LAKE STREET DIVE." AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: OH, HI, EVERYBODY. I'M JIMMY. I'M THE HOST.
THANKS FOR WATCHING. THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.
WE ARE COMING TO YOU FROM HOLLYWOOD, WHERE ‐‐ I'LL TELL
YOU SOMETHING. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.
WE EAT A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, BUT NOTHING LIKE
WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DESCRIBE. OVER THE NEXT MONTH OR SO,
BILLIONS OF CICADAS WILL EMERGE IN MORE THAN A DOZEN U. S.
STATES, FROM NEW YORK, WEST TO ILLINOIS, DOWN INTO GEORGIA.
ALL OVER HOT SPOTS FROM INDIANA TO NEW JERSEY.
THEY SHOW UP IN FORCE ONCE EVERY 17 YEARS LIKE MOM JEANS AND
FANNY PACKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT HIS TIME, THEY'D BETTER BE READY, BECAUSE THIS GUY IS READY
TO EAT THEM. THAT'S PROFESSOR GENE KRITSKY.
HE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT CICADAS, I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD READ THAT.
AND HE SAYS "YOU WANNA EAT THE FEMALES, BECAUSE THEY'RE FULL OF
EGGS." WHICH IS A STATEMENT SO CREEPY,
IT SHOULD BE A DOCUMENTARY SERIES ON NETFLIX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT PEOPLE DO EAT THEM, WITH VEGETABLES, DEEP FRIED, DIPPED
IN CHOCOLATE AND GOLD. EAT THEM FOR DESSERT.
BOY, WE WENT FROM BAKING OUR OWN BREAD TO EATING BUGS REALLY
FAST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DR. KRITSKY SAYS CICADAS TASTE A LOT LIKE COLD ASPARAGUS.
WHICH ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW. YOU COULD JUST EAT THE ASPARAGUS.
I'D BE FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY RULE OF THUMB IS I DON'T EAT ANYTHING LISTED AS ONE OF THE
PLAGUES.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
SPEAKING OF COCKROACHES, THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL'S
OFFICE HAS INFORMED DONALD TRUMP THAT HIS ORGANIZATION IS NOW
UNDER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK.
I'LL HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS WAS PREVIOUSLY A CIVIL MATTER THAT BEGAN AFTER
TRUMP'S FORMER LAWYER, MICHAEL COHEN, TESTIFIED THAT
TRUMP HAD INFLATED THE VALUE OF HIS PROPERTIES TO GET BETTER
LOANS, THEN UNDERVALUED THEM WHEN IT CAME TO FILING TAXES.
AND, OF COURSE, IT'S NOT LIKE DONALD TRUMP TO CHEAT, BUT I
GUESS THEY HAD TO CHECK IT OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE LOOKING NOW AT BANK FRAUD, TAX FRAUD, INSURANCE
FRAUD. IT'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE
GUY WHO RAN A FRAUDULENT CHARITABLE FOUNDATION AND A
FRAUDULENT UNIVERSITY MIGHT BE A FRAUD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY SAY TRUMP COULD POTENTIALLY GET EXTRADITED FROM FLORIDA.
TO NEW YORK. IF HE DOES END UP IN PRISON, I
THINK WE SHOULD GIVE HIM TWITTER BACK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'D WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT
GOES ON IN THERE, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I'D PAY FOR THAT. THIS ENDS WITH A POLICE CHASE,
RIGHT? O.J. STYLE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
EITHER THAT OR THIS WILL BE THE 37th CRIME HE GETS AWAY WITH.
>> I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. I'LL BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER I
WANT. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
I WOULD LOVE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO.
HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.
I'M ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO.
I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I CAN DO ‐‐ I'LL DO WHATEVER I
WANT.
>> Jimmy: YES, SAVE IT FOR THE WARDEN, MY FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE IS NO GREATER DIVIDE BETWEEN ANYONE'S FUTURE THAN
DONALD TRUMP. IN 2025, HE COULD EITHER BE
PRESIDENT AGAIN, OR TRADING CIGARETTES FOR FACE BRONZER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T KNOW. TRUMP SAT FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH
O.A.N., AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS, BUT HE'S STILL
WHINING ABOUT THE ELECTION.
>> THERE WAS A ‐‐ AN EXPRESSION THAT I'VE HEARD, THAT YOU'VE
HEARD, FOR MANY YEARS. THE VOTE COUNTER IS FAR MORE
IMPORTANT THAN THE POLITICIAN. OR THE PERSON RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
AND THAT WAS THE CASE IN THIS INSTANCE FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION. VERY SAD. THAT THIS COULD HAPPEN.
IT WAS A THIRD WORLD ELECTION.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF THAT MAY WELL BE UNCOVERED VERY
SHORTLY.
>> IT'S BEING UNCOVERED NOW.
>> HOPEFULLY WE'LL SEE THAT. PAPERS WOULD REPORT IT, BUT THEY
DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
>> Jimmy: I LIKE THAT REPORTER. SHE TALKS TO HIM LIKE SHE'S A
NURSE AT A MENTAL INSTITUTION. "A LOT OF THAT MAY BE UNCOVERED
SHORTLY. HOPEFULLY WE'LL SEE THAT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL THIS NONSENSE, ALL THIS DIVISION AND ANGER AND MISTRUST.
IT'S ALL BECAUSE ONE GUY'S EGO IS SO OUT OF CONTROL, HE CAN'T
DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT HE LOST AN ELECTION.
TRUMP DID THAT INTERVIEW WITH O.A.N. BECAUSE EVEN FOX AND
NEWSMAX ARE SCARED TO KEEP GOING DOWN ELECTION FRAUD ROAD.
FOX NEWS, RIGHT NOW, IS ASKING A COURT TO DISMISS A $1.6 BILLION
LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST THEM BY DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS.
THEY CLAIM THEY WERE JUST REPORTING THE NEWS.
THEY SAY THEY WERE "COVERING BOTH SIDES OF THIS VIGOROUS
ELECTION DISPUTE." THAT'S THEIR QUOTE. RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY WERE EQUALLY COVERING THE TRUE SIDE AND THE FALSE SIDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY WEREN'T LYING. THEY WERE JUST AMPLIFYING
SOMEONE ELSE'S LIE TO A MASSIVE AUDIENCE, WITHOUT EVER ADMITTING
IT WAS A LIE. IT'S AMAZING HOW CREATIVE YOU
BECOME WHEN YOU'RE GETTING SUED FOR A BILLION DOLLARS.
FOX TOLD DOMINION, "IF YOU WANT $1.6 BILLION, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO SUE US FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE. SO THE HOUSE VOTED TODAY.
THE HOUSE VOTED TODAY TO CREATE AN INDEPENDENT COMMISSION TO
LOOK INTO THE JANUARY 6th ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL.
BASICALLY, THE HOUSE CREATED A COMMISSION TO LOOK INTO WHAT WE
ALL SAW HAPPEN WITH OUR OWN EYES. NOT SURPRISINGLY, REPUBLICAN
LEADERS IN CONGRESS ARE AGAINST THIS IDEA.
SOME OF THEM ARE WORRIED THAT IF WE INVESTIGATE WHAT HAPPENED ON
THE 6th, THEY MIGHT HAVE TO PLEAD THE FIFTH.
35 REPUBLICANS BROKE RANKS TO VOTE FOR THE COMMISSION.
175 DID NOT. KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS ‐‐ THE
TOPIC IS PEOPLE WHO BROKE INTO THEIR WORKPLACE.
AND ENDANGERED THEM. THEY DON'T WANT THAT
INVESTIGATED. MIKE PENCE'S OWN BROTHER VOTED
AGAINST INVESTIGATING WHY AN ANGRY MOB CAME TO KILL HIS
SIBLING. NOW THE MEASURE GOES TO THE
SENATE WHERE IT IS NOT TOO LIKELY TO PASS, LARGELY THANKS
TO THIS SMUG SON OF A MITCH.
>> ONE FINAL NOTE. AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION,
I'VE MADE THE DECISION TO OPPOSE THE HOUSE DEMOCRATS' SLANTED AND
UNBALANCED PROPOSAL FOR ANOTHER COMMISSION TO STUDY THE EVENTS
OF JANUARY THE 6th.
>> Jimmy: UNBALANCED PROPOSAL. IT WAS EVENLY SPLIT ON BOTH
SIDES. YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNBALANCED?
THE GUY WHO STARTED THE RIOT. THE GUY WHOSE ASS YOU KISSED FOR
FOUR YEARS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS A BIPARTISAN INITIATIVE. SO THE OTHER CHARACTER,
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY, ALSO OPPOSES AN
INVESTIGATION FOR THE SAME REASON THE FLYING MONKEYS
OPPOSED LOOKING INTO WHO TOOK THE RUBY SLIPPERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET ‐‐ HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE TO ANSWER
QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT PHONE CALL HE HAD WITH DONALD TRUMP AS HE
WAS COUNTERING AND PEOPLE WERE BEATING THE DOORS DOWN.
REPUBLICANS SAY A COMMISSION SHOULD ONLY BE ESTABLISHED IF IT
CAN INVESTIGATE OTHER PROTESTS, INCLUDING THE RACIAL JUSTICE
DEMONSTRATIONS LAST SUMMER FOLLOWING THE MURDER OF
GEORGE FLOYD. RIGHT. GOOD THINKING.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY TO BLAME BLACK PEOPLE FOR THIS.
AND YOU FOUND IT. SOME OF THESE GUYS ARE ALSO
SAYING THEY WANT TO "MOVE ON" AND NOT REHASH THE PAST. RIGHT.
WHEN A VIOLENT MOB ATTACKED OUR EMBASSY IN BENGHAZI, REPUBLICANS
IN CONGRESS INVESTIGATED IT EIGHT TIMES.
A VIOLENT MOB ATTACKED THE U. S. CAPITOL, THEY'RE LIKE,
"TOURISTS! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
TIM RYAN OF OHIO MADE QUITE AN IMPRESSION IN THE HOUSE TODAY.
HE LOOKED AROUND AT HIS REPUBLICANS COLLEAGUES WHO WERE
THERE WITH HIM WHEN THE DOORS WERE BEING KICKED IN WITH TOTAL
AND PASSIONATE DISBELIEF.
>> TO THE OTHER 90% OF OUR FRIENDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
AISLE, HOLY COW. INCOHERENCE. NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT. BENGHAZI? YOU GUYS CHASED THE FORMER
SECRETARY OF STATE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, SPENT MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS, WE HAVE PEOPLE SCALING THE CAPITOL?
HITTING THE CAPITOL POLICE WITH LEAD PIPES ACROSS THE HEAD?
AND WE CAN'T GET BIPARTISANSHIP? WHAT ELSE HAS TO HAPPEN IN THIS
COUNTRY? COPS, THIS IS A SLAP IN THE FACE
TO EVERY RANK AND FILE COP IN THE UNITED STATES.
IF WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ON CHINA, IF WE'RE GOING TO REBUILD THE
COUNTRY, IF WE'RE GOING TO REVERSE CLIMATE CHANGE, WE NEED
TWO POLITICAL PARTIES IN THIS COUNTRY THAT ARE BOTH LIVING IN
REALITY. AND YOU AIN'T ONE OF THEM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YOU TELL 'EM, TIM! WOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW. UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS SPEAKING
TO AN EMPTY ROOM. EVERYONE HAD LEFT FOR THE DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS SOMETHING. ONE OF THE STORM TRUMPERS, WHO
IS IN JAIL NOW, THE ONE THEY CALLED THE "QANON SHAMAN."
HIS LAWYER APPEARED ON CNN, WHERE HE ATTEMPTED TO EXPLAIN
THIS INTERESTING DEFENSE TACTIC.
>> "A LOT OF THESE DEFENDANTS," AND I'M GOING TO USE THIS
COLLOQUIAL TERM PERHAPS DISRESPECTFULLY, "THEY'RE ALL
F'ing SHORT BUS PEOPLE, THESE ARE PEOPLE WITH BRAIN DAMAGE,
THEY'RE F'ing RETARDED."
>> Jimmy: IT'S NOT A NICE WORD TO USE.
IT'S THE OLD "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT IS AN IDIOT" DEFENSE.
THERE'S A WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN SEARCH FOR PEOPLE WHO
TOOK PART IN THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL.
IT'S CALLED FACESOFTHERIOT.COM. THEY USED FACIAL RECOGNITION
SOFTWARE TO EXTRACT AND PUBLISH EVERY FACE FROM THE 827 VIDEOS
POSTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA, TO HELP THE FBI IDENTIFY THOSE WHO MAY
BE RESPONSIBLE. LIKE THIS GUY. HE'S DESCRIBED AS WHITE, CHUBBY,
IN HIS 30s, HE'S GOT GLASSES, A PATCHY BEARD, AND HE'S WEARING A
BEANIE. THEN THIS CHARACTER. WHITE, CHUBBY, IN HIS 30s, GOT
GLASSES, PATCHY BEARD, WEARING A BEANIE.
ALSO, THERE'S THIS FELLA. WHITE, CHUBBY, 30s, GLASSES,
BEARD, BEANIE. AND THIS ‐‐ ARE YOU STARTING TO
NOTICE A PATTERN HERE? WE HAVE A BUNCH OF CHUBBY,
BEANIE‐WEARING WHITE GUYS IN GLASSES WITH PATCHY BEARDS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR SMASH MOUTH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TODAY IS GRAND RE‐OPENING DAY FOR A LOT OF BUSINESSES IN NEW
YORK. RESTAURANTS, STORES, SALONS, AND
GYMS ARE ALLOWED TO RETURN TO FULL CAPACITY.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 14 MONTHS, NEW YORKERS TODAY,
THEY TOOK OFF THEIR MASKS, THEY TOOK A DEEP BREATH ‐‐ AND PUT
THE MASKS RIGHT BACK ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE PLACE SMELLS LIKE URINE, IT DOES.
GOVERNOR CUOMO CALLED THIS A "DARK, DARK HELLISH YEAR."
AND, FOR HIM, IT WAS. IT DEFINITELY WAS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
STILL IS. BUSINESSES AREN'T THE ONLY THING
COMING BACK. THIS IS ODD. YOU KNOW HOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
ADOPTED PUPPIES DURING THE PANDEMIC?
WELL, NOW, THEY'RE SENDING THEM BACK.
OWNER SURRENDERS ARE UP 83% OVER LAST YEAR.
[ MOANS ]
>> Jimmy: YOU HEAR THAT, MAJOR BIDEN?
YOU'D BETTER STOP BITING PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GUESS PEOPLE LIKE THE IDEA OF HAVING A DOG MORE THAN THE
REALITY OF IT. AND SO THEY RETURN THEM.
WHICH IS AWFUL. YOU DON'T JUST GIVE UP ON A DOG
AFTER A YEAR. IT'S NOT A PELOTON BIKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S AN ANIMAL. ABOUT 38% OF AMERICANS ARE NOW
FULLY VACCINATED. WE'RE SLOWLY RETURNING TO NORMAL.
BUT THERE ARE SOME WHO DON'T WANT TO US GO BACK TO THE WAY
THINGS WERE, AND THEY'RE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS TO CONVINCE US
TO STAY PUT.
>> WE'RE GOING TO BEGIN WITH THE STATES OF EMERGENCY AC BE CROSS
THIS COUNTRY ‐‐
>> A STATEWIDE ORDER FOR PEOPLE TO STAY AT HOME ‐‐
>> A DEADLY VIRUS HAS RAVAGED THE GLOBE.
KEEPING US CONFINED TO OUR HOMES.
>> THE U. S. IS CALLING FOR AN IMMEDIATE PAUSE ON THE USE OF
THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE.
>> WE ALL KNOW THAT WORKING FROM HOME IS LESS RISKY THAN GOING TO
AN OFFICE. AND IN A LOT OF WAYS, MORE FUN.
WE DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THE VACCINES WILL BE EFFECTIVE
AGAINST COVID. IMPOSSIBLE TO GET IT AT THE T
PARK. OR DRIVING WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN. OR FROM A STICK.
IF YOU RUSH BACK TO BUSINESS, WON'T YOU BE LEAVING BEHIND A
BETTER AND CUDDLIER LIFE? BE SAFE, STAY HOME.
THROW THE BALL. GET YOUR SHOTS. GO FOR A WALK. BE A GOOD BOY.
THIS AD BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOGS. WE KNOW HOW TO STAY.
WHY DON'T YOU? WOOF!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, SOME BEST FRIENDS WE ARE.
FROM TIME TO TIME, JUST TO REMIND EVERYBODY OF WHERE WE
WERE, WE COMB OUR ARCHIVES FOR WHAT WAS IN THE NEWS A YEAR AGO
THIS WEEK. AND IT'S TIME, ONCE AGAIN, TO
JOURNEY BACK 12 MONTHS AGO FOR "THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY."
>> THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY, IT'S MID‐MAY 2020.
AND AMERICANS ARE HEADING INTO A SOMBER MEMORIAL DAY ‐‐ PARTY
WEEKEND! THE '20s ARE ROARING AGAIN.
>> BIG QUARANTINE, I NEED TO GET OUT AND PARTY, WHOO!
>> YEAH, WHOO! AS IN WUHAN!
SHOULDN'T THEY BE WEARING MASKS?
>> IF HE'S NOT WEARING, I'M NOT WEARING.
>> THE PRESIDENT?
>> YES, SIR ‐‐ ALL RIGHT, THE PRESIDENT!
>> I HAD ONE ON BEFORE, I WORE ONE IN THIS BACK AREA. VERY NICE.
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE THE PRESS THE PLEASURE OF SEEING IT.
>> HIS GENEROSITY IS CONTAGIOUS. WHO NEEDS A MASK ANYWAY, WHEN
YOU HAVE A MIRACLE CURE?
♪ HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE
>> WARNING: NOT EFFECTIVE.
>> I HAPPEN TO BE TAKING IT, HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
I THINK IT'S GOOD, I'VE HEARD GOOD STORIES.
>> WHO NEEDS STUDIES WHEN YOU HAVE STORIES?
>> HERE'S MY EVIDENCE, I GET POSITIVE CALLS ABOUT IT.
>> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
>> I'M STILL HERE, AND I TESTED VERY POSITIVELY IN ANOTHER SENSE.
SO THIS MORNING, YEAH, I TESTED POSITIVELY FOR NEGATIVE, RIGHT?
SO NO, I TESTED PERFECTLY THIS MORNING.
MEANING ‐‐ MEANING I TESTED NEGATIVE.
>> BUT ‐‐ OH‐OH. HERE COMES NEGATIVE NANCY.
>> HE'S OUR PRESIDENT, AND I WOULD RATHER HE NOT BE TAKING
SOMETHING THAT HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED, ESPECIALLY IN HIS,
SHALL WE SAY, WEIGHT GROUP, WHAT IS MORBIDLY OBESE.
>> OH, SNAP. WHAT SAY YOU, PRESIDENT LUMP?
>> PELOSI IS A SICK WOMAN, SHE'S GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS, MENTAL
PROBLEMS.
>> SPEAKING OF MENTAL PROBLEMS ‐‐ IT'S TIME FOR THIS
WEEK'S "ERIC TRUMP'S PANDEMIC PREDICTION."
>> GUESS WHAT, AFTER NOVEMBER 3rd, CORONAVIRUS WILL MAGICALLY
ALL OF A SUDDEN GO AWAY, DISAPPEAR.
>> WHY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?
>> IT'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR, ONE DAY, IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE, IT
WILL DISAPPEAR.
>> HE GOT IT FROM WATCHING YOU, DAD. THIS HAS BEEN "THIS WEEK IN
COVID HISTORY."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
PATTI HARRISON IS HERE. WE HAVE MUSIC FROM "LAKE STREET
DIVE." AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
DON CHEADLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HI, EVERYBODY. FROM THE NEW MOVIE "TOGETHER
TOGETHER," PATTI HARRISON IS HERE.
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, THEIR ALBUM IS CALLED "OBVIOUSLY."
MUSIC FROM "LAKE STREET DIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TOMORROW NIGHT OUR GUESTS ARE RYAN SEACREST, EON ORJI, AND
MUSIC FROM COUNTING CROWS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE JOIN US FOR THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN OSCAR AND
EMMY‐NOMINATED MEMBER OF "THE AVENGERS."
ON SUNDAY, HE RETURNS AS MO MONROE FOR SEASON 3 OF
SHOWTIME'S "BLACK MONDAY." PLEASE WELCOME DON CHEADLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HI, DON. HOW ARE YOU?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD, JIMMY.
LEANING INTO THAT BLACK A LITTLE HEAVY. BUT THAT'S FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DID I GO TOO HARD ON THE WORD BLACK?
>> I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT. YOU LEAN BIG.
YOU LET PEOPLE KNOW WHERE YOU STOOD. I APPRECIATE IT.
>> Jimmy: DO PEOPLE THINK THAT BLACK MONDAY, THE SHOW, HAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING BLACK?
>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. WHEN EVAN THOUGHT UP THE ‐‐
WELL, EVAN GOLDBERG IS ONE OF THE PRODUCERS ON IT.
KIND OF CAME UP WITH THE NAME, YOU KNOW, BACKSTAGE WITH ME.
HE WAS LIKE, CAN WE SAY THAT? pI WAS LIKE, YOU JUST DID, EVAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH. THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED,"
BLACK MONDAY," RIGHT? WITH THE STOCK MARKET AND ALL
THAT STUFF. IT'S VERY GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU WAS AT ANTHONY ANDERSON'S THING.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: HIS STAR CEREMONY. BUT THE TIME BEFORE THAT WAS ON
WHATEVER VIDEO CHAT. AND YOU WERE LEARNING TO DO
EVERYTHING LEFT‐HANDED AT THAT TIME?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: DID THAT CONTINUE? WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS
WOULD GO ON. DID YOU CONTINUE TO LEARN TO DO
THINGS LEFT‐HANDED?
>> I DID. AND THEN I, YOU KNOW ‐‐ LIKE
ANYBODY WHO COMMITS TO SOMETHING, ABANDONED IT PRETTY
QUICKLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HOW LONG DID YOU GO WITH IT, AND WHAT DID YOU LEARN
TO DO?
>> I JUST KIND OF DID EVERYTING WITH IT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING JUST AS SIMPLE AS
THAT, YOU KIND OF START TO REWIRE YOUR BRAIN.
AND DIFFERENT THINGS START TRIGGERING.
I DID IT INITIALLY FOR MY CHARACTER, BECAUSE I THOUGHT,
WELL, MAYBE HE'S LEFT‐HANDED. SO I WOULD TRY TO WRITE
LEFT‐HANDED AND BRUSH MY TEETH LEFT‐HANDED.
I WAS DOING EVERYTHING LEFT‐HANDED.
BEAT THE DOGS LEFT‐HANDED. IT WAS ALL LEFT‐HANDED.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT. THE CHARACTER, YOU'RE THINKING
IS LEFT‐HANDED, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S A QUARTERBACK OR HE'S
A PAINTER OR SOMETHING. HE'S A STOCKBROKER.
WE WOULD NEVER KNOW HE'S LEFT‐HANDED.
>> RIGHT. BUT I WOULD KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: SO YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE, THOUGH?
THAT DID NOT REALLY COME IN HANDY, AS THEY SAY? YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NICE, JIMMY, NICE.
>> Jimmy: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I'LL BE HONEST.
>> GREAT.
>> Jimmy: CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PART OF THE ABC FAMILY.
YOU WILL BE DOING VOICE‐OVER ON THE REBOOT OF "THE WONDER YEARS"
COMING UP HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT JUST GOT PICKED UP. YOU'VE DONE ONE EPISODE SO FAR?
>> YEAH, JUST DONE THE PILOT SO FAR. IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
IT'S A GREAT JOB. SALLY BEAN WROTE IT, FRED SAVAGE
DIRECTED THE FIRST ONE. IT'S A CUTE SHOW, IT'S GOOD.
>> Jimmy: WHEN FRED WAS DIRECTING IT, THE WHOLE TIME WAS
HE GOING, "WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW I WOULD DO IT, BUT"?
>> YEAH, HE WOULD TEXT IT TO ME. WE WERE IN THE BOOTH, HE'S RIGHT
BEHIND ME, PING, LOOK AT MY PHONE. FRED, JUST TELL ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DANIEL SEER DID THE VOICE ON THE ORIGINAL SERIES?
>> HE DID.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU CALL HIM TO LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE THE NEW GUY?
JUST TO ASSERT YOUR DOMINANCE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW ME, JIMMY, I'M NOTHING IF NOT ABOUT DOMINANCE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: BY THE WAY, WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, YOU AND
"WONDER YEARS" IN GENERAL, THIS YOU POSTED ON INSTAGRAM.
THIS IS YOUR JAZZ COMBO IN HIGH SCHOOL. IS THIS THE SCHOOL COMBO?
OR THIS IS A PRIVATE COMBO OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS?
>> THIS IS A CITY‐WIDE GROUP THAT WAS PULLED FROM ALL OF THE
HIGH SCHOOLS AROUND DENVER, COLORADO.
SO, YOU KNOW, EAST WAS THERE, LINCOLN, NORTH AND WEST, AND
EVERYBODY, KENNEDY, ALL THE PEOPLE FROM ALL THE DIFFERENT
SCHOOLS.
>> Jimmy: OH, WAS THIS LIKE AN ALL‐STAR BAND?
LIKE THE BEST PLAYERS FROM THE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS?
>> THERE YOU GO, JIMMY, THE BEST PLAYERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: LET'S ZOOM IN THERE.
>> OH, LOOK AT HIM!
>> Jimmy: NO INSTRUMENT. WHY NO INSTRUMENT, DON?
>> BECAUSE I SANG WITH THE COMBO.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> I SANG, I ALSO PLAYED SAX. BUT I SANG A LOT OF TIMES WITH
THE COMBO.
>> Jimmy: HOW ABOUT THAT, LIKE OUR CLETO, WHO PLAYS SAX AND
SINGS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DO YOU STILL PLAY THE SAXOPHONE?
>> WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS REALLY ‐‐ I HAD A
COUPLE OF SCHOLARSHIPS, ACTUALLY, TO PURSUE ACTING.
AND I ALSO HAD SCHOLARSHIPS TO PURSUE VOCAL JAZZ AND
INSTRUMENTAL JAZZ. AND I REALLY KNEW ALL THE BOYS
IN THE BAND, EVERYBODY THEN, WHOEVER'S IN THE BAND, WILL
UNDERSTAND THAT I KNEW WHAT IT WAS GOING TO TAKE TO REALLY GET
TO WHERE I WANTED TO GET AS A MUSICIAN.
AND I JUST KNEW I WASN'T GOING TO DO IT.
HARD ‐‐ THEORY WAS TRICKY FOR
ME, HARD TO FIGURE OUT. I MADE A WEATHER CHOICE, A
CAREER CHOICE, WENT TO L. A., I'M
GOING TO TRY TO BECOME AN ACTOR.
>> Jimmy: WHAT WE'VE LEARNED BETWEEN THIS AND THE LEFT‐HANDED
EXPERIMENT IS YOU GIVE UP EASILY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES, YEAH. I'M A QUITTER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> FOUR YEARS LATER, AFTER I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, I WAS IN
NEW YORK DOING A PLAY AT THE PUBLIC THEATER.
I WALKED BY A PAWNSHOP AND I SAW A TENOR SAX IN THE WINDOW.
I DIDN'T PLAY TENOR, I PLAYED ALTO AND SOPRANO GROWING UP.
BUT I WENT, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO PICK IT BACK UP.
I WENT IN, BOUGHT THE HORN, I STARTED PLAYING AGAIN.
IT WAS LIKE THIS REVITALIZATION OF ALL OF THAT JUICE THAT I HAD
BEFORE.
>> Jimmy: WHAT SONG DID YOU PLAY, DO YOU REMEMBER?
BECAUSE I WAS IN THE JAZZ BAND IN HIGH SCHOOL ALSO.
I PLAYED THE CONTRA BASE CLARINET, I WAS SUPER COOL.
VERY, VERY COOL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW, I'M GLAD THAT'S HANDY. WHY IS THAT HANDY?
WHY IS THAT SO HANDY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, MAN.
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, THAT WAS NOT HIGH SCHOOL.
I REALLY BLOSSOMED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I COULD TELL BY THE SHIRT THAT YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DO YOU STILL REMEMBER ANY OF THOSE TUNES?
THE FIRST SONG WE PLAYED IN MY SIXTH GRADE BAND WAS THE THEME
FROM "SHAFT." AND IT WAS GREAT. BECAUSE WE WERE SEPARATING INTO
INDIVIDUAL ‐‐ LIKE THERE WAS AN ALL CLARINET CLASS, AN ALL
TRUMPET CLASS, AN ALL DRUMMERS, EVERYTHING.
THEN WE CAME TOGETHE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I THOUGHT, THIS
IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NOISE 85 EVER HEARD.
AND I STILL HAVE THE TAPE, AND IT IS NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT IS THE WORST MUSIC YOU'VE EVER HEARD.
AND YET SOMEHOW I THOUGHT IT JUST SOUNDED GREAT.
>> I HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE. I MEAN, I REALLY JUST TOOK TO IT
RIGHT AWAY. AND WE ‐‐ I WENT TO THE HARDEST
STUFF. I WAS LIKE, OKAY, I'M PLAYING
ALTO SAX, GIVE ME THE REAL BOOK, I'M GOING TO TRY TO PLAY ALL OF
THESE CHARLIE PARKER SOLOS. AND THAT'S NOT EASY.
>> Jimmy: NO, NO. YEAH, YEAH.
>> I WAS GLAD I STARTED RIGHT AT THE HARDEST STUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN? THEN WHEN YOU WERE PLAYING THE
THEME FROM "SHAFT" AND "SPAR SPANGLED BANNER" YOU'RE LIKE,
THIS IS EASY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, DA DA DA, THERE YOU GO. DON CHEADLE IS WITH US.
"BLACK MONDAY" PREMIERES MONDAY ON SHOWTIME. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DOCTOR PORTIONS OF "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" BROUGHT TO YOU BY ELSE TO
TEET TOES CHIPS AND DIPS. GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.
>>> DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE IN HERE, INMATE.
SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIX ANY
REGRETS THAT YOU HAVE VERY SOON.
>> WAIT, WHAT? NO, NO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
>> HUH?
>> I TOLD YOU, I DON'T NEED YOUR ASS TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.
>> WAIT ‐‐
>> NO, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
>> DON'T ‐‐
>> I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, I'M SERIOUS.
>> DAWN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: DON CHEADLE AND REGINA HALL IN "BLACK MONDAY" WHICH
PREMIERES SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME. THE FIRST TWO SEASONS ARE IN THE
'80s. NOW YOU'VE SHIFTED INTO THE EARLY '90s.
DOES THAT MEAN DIFFERENT OUTFITS? IS THAT A BETTER ERA FOR YOU
CLOTHING‐WISE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T THINK ANY OF THE ERAS WITH THIS PARTICULAR CAST ARE
BETTER FOR CLOTHES. WHAT I MEAN IS, THE COSTUMES ARE
GREAT. BECAUSE WE'RE DOING A LOT OF ‐‐
WE'RE GOING OVER THE TOP ON A LOT OF STUFF.
AND ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE VERY EXPRESSIVE.
SO YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A LOT OF COLORS.
AND OUR COSTUMER IS AMAZING. AND SHE'S DONE GREAT EVERY YEAR.
AND GETTING TO KIND OF CREEP TOWARD THE '90s.
AND I WAS TALKING TO SOMEBODY AND THEY WENT, THE '90s IS
PRETTY REGULAR. AND I SAID, LOOK BACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, NO, IT ISN'T.
>> NOT.
>> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY. YOU THINK THE '90s WAS JUST
RECENTLY. AND OH, IT WASN'T. EVEN THE ZEROS ARE DIFFERENT.
>> YES. YEAH. I THINK EVERY ERA, WHICH IS
CRAZY WHEN YOU LOOK BACK. WE'RE GOING TO BE LOOKING BACK
NOW AND GO, WHY DID YOU HAVE THAT ON?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IT IS FUNNY. OLD VIDEOS OF JOHNNY CARSON,
LOOK AT THAT CRAZY TIE! I GUESS THIS WILL BE A CRAZY TIE
AT SOME POINT.
>> IT WILL BE A CRAZY TIE AT SOME POINT.
>> Jimmy: YOUR CHARACTER DID A LOT OF COCAINE THE FIRST COUPLE
OF SEASONS. I'M CURIOUS. WHAT DO THEY USE?
LIKE AS A PROP FOR COCAINE?
>> A PROP?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
VITAMIN B? I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: BECAUSE I WONDER, DOES IT ACTUALLY GO UP YOUR NOSE WHEN
YOU SEE THEM DOING IT? OR IS IT JUST PRETEND?
>> LET ME TELL YOU, THE COCAINE DAYS ARE NOT FUN DAYS.
BECAUSE IT IS LIKE SORBITOL OR VITAMIN B, WE'RE REALLY SNORTING
STUFF AND IT AIN'T FUN.
>> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT A SWEETENER?
>> YES, YES. SO YOU HAVE THE AFTERTASTE ‐‐
NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
>> Jimmy: INTERESTING. THAT'S CALLED SPLENDA‐HEAD, I
THINK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A SCIENTIFIC TERM FOR IT.
>> I READ THAT, I'VE READ THAT.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE ALSO IN THIS SPACE JAM, THE NEW "SPACE JAM"
MOVIE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BASED ON WHAT I CAN TELL, YOU AR VILLAIN TO LeBRON JAMES' HERO?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO THROW AROUND WORDS LIKE VILLAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE PEOPLE ON SCREEN, GOING THROUGH AN
EXPERIENCE TOGETHER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT, I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH LeBRON TONIGHT?
HAVE YOU FORMED A BOND NOW WITH LeBRON THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE
BEFORE, THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE WATCHNG YOUR FRIEND PLAY?
>> I MEAN ‐‐ YEAH. IT'S GREAT.
WE, YOU KNOW ‐‐ THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT WE KIND OF ALL
GOT SLAMMED TOGETHER IN. IT WAS A VERY CLOSE SITUATION.
WE SHOT SOME DURING COVID, WHICH WILL CHANGE, YOU KNOW, THE
AND YEAH, WE GREW CLOSE OVER THE FILMING.
AND WE ARE ALWAYS TEXTING BACK AND FORTH.
I'M ALWAYS BIG‐UPPING HIM WHEN HE'S GOT GAMES.
HE'S ALWAYS HITTING ME BACK WHEN HE SEES SOMETHING COME OUT.
IT'S BEEN COOL TO GROW THAT FRIENDSHIP AND FUN TO KEEP IT
GOING. I HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT SO I
WON'T SEE THE GAME, BUT I WILL TAPE IT.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT, HOW ABOUT THAT.
THE ULTIMATE LIT PUS TEST AS FAR AS FRIENDSHIP WITH LeBRON, HAVE
YOU BEEN INVITED OVER FOR TACO TUESDAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT IT UP.
>> TO THINK THIS WAS GOING SO WELL.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SURE OVER THE OFFSEASON ‐‐
PROBABLY COVID IS THE REASON YOU DIDN'T GET INVITED.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO. DON CHEADLE, "BLACK MONDAY"
PREMIERES, SEASON 3, SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME. THANKS, DON.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH PATTI HARRISON!
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS COLONEL
KERNEL, AN ARTIST WHO MAKES CELEBRITY PORTRAITS OUT OF CORN.
WHY, COLONEL? WHY CORN?
>> AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE ARRAY OF PRODUCTS BEFORE YOU, CORN IS
AN EXTREMELY VERSATILE CROP, WHICH EXPLAINS ITS IMMENSE
POPULARITY. DID YOU KNOW? THE UNITED STATES ALONE PRODUCES
ABOUT 15 BILLION BUSHELS OF CORN A YEAR.
>> Jimmy: HM.
>> YEAH WE HAVE SO MANY ‐‐
>> HELP ME, GUILLERMO. THIS GUY IS PUTTING ME TO SLEEP.
>> Guillermo: HE DOES TALK ABOUT CORN A LOT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, HE REALLY LOVES CORN.
>> CANDY CORN, WHICH IS INTERESTING ‐‐
>> Jimmy: PLEASE, GUILLERMO, DO SOMETHING, I CAN'T TAKE IT.
>> Guillermo: LET'S KEEP EATING TOSTITOS.
>> PEOPLE ALWAYS LOVE THAT CORN FACT.
TO ME, CORN IS NOT JUST A CROP, IT'S A LIFESTYLE ‐‐
>> Guillermo: JIMMY, HE'S TOO BORING.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE RIGHT, HE IS TOO BORING.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> Jimmy: HM? WHAT?
>> DID YOU JUST SAY I WAS BORING?
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS I LOVE CORN.
>> Dicky: FOR THE LOVE OF CHIPS AND DIP AND UNSPOKEN BONDS,
ENTER THE TOSTITOS UNSPOKEN BONDS TIKTOK CHALLENGE NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HI, THERE, WE ARE BACK.
MUSIC FROM LAKE STREET DIVE IS ON THE WAY.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS GETTING EXCELLENT REVIEWS FOR HER NEW
MOVIE, THE "L. A. TIMES" CALLED HER REVELATORY, "THE NEW YORK
TIMES" CALLED HER WONDERFUL, "HIGH TIMES" SAID WHOA.
"TOGETHER TOGETHER" IS IN THEATERS AND ON DIGITAL
PLATFORMS NOW. SAY HELLO TO PATTI HARRISON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GOOD.
>> Jimmy: SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE?
>> YEAH. YEAH. WHEN I WAS IN MY JUNIOR YEAR OF
COLLEGE, I DROVE OUT TO L. A. BECAUSE MY FRIEND JOE GOT AN
INTERNSHIP AT UCB THAT FELL THROUGH, BUT HE DRIVE OUT HERE
AND ENDED UP STAYING WITH JEFF LOVENESS?
CAN I USE FIRST AND LAST NAMES.
>> Jimmy: JEFF WAS A WRITER AT OUR SHOW, YEAH.
>> WITNESS PROTECTION THING HAPPENING FOR HIM. SAD.
AND HE ASKED IF WE WANTED TO COME TO THE SHOW, OR ASKED IF
JOE WANTED TO COME TO THE SHOW, AND I WAS LIKE HIS PLUS ONE,
ASKED IF WE WANTED TO DO AUDIENCE OR GREEN ROOM, AND I
WAS LIKE, GREEN ROOM SOUNDS COOLER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, THANKS, YEAH.
>> I WILL SAY THAT I WAS KIND OF PISSED AT THE EXPERIENCE.
>> Jimmy: WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I WAS EXCITED FOR FREE FOOD. ALL THE FOOD WAS GONE BY THE
TIME WE GOT HERE.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S GUILLERMO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S GUILLERMO'S FAULT.
>> Guillermo: SORRY.
>> TRAUMA, THE TRAUMA'S SET IN.
>> Jimmy: NO FOOD?
>> NO FOOD. THEN I DROPPED MY SUNGLASSES IN
THE TOILET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I REMEMBER THINKING THAT WAS REALLY COOL.
AND I FELT REALLY CONNECTED TO YOU IN THAT MOMENT BECAUSE I WAS
LIKE, WOW. IT'S ALL HAPPENING FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S PROBABLY CRAPPED IN THIS TOILET AND MY SUNGLASSES HAVE
TOUCHED HIS CRAP. SO I HOLD THAT CLOSE TO MY HEART.
>> Jimmy: I SENSED THAT FROM AFAR. I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU ON
TWITTER FOR I THINK A FEW YEARS NOW. WELL, YOU WERE VERY FUNNY ON
TWITTER. BUT YOU ARE NOW NOT ON TWITTER
BECAUSE YOU ARE BANNED FROM TWITTER?
>> YES, I'M BANNED!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I AM BANNED FROM TWITTER, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WHY ARE YOU BANNED FROM TWITTER?
WELL, I HAVE THE ‐‐ I ACTUALLY KNOW WHY. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.
>> SO I ‐‐ DO I ‐‐
>> Jimmy: I'LL DEMONSTRATE WHAT YOU DID. YOU DIDN'T START THIS.
>> I DID NOT.
>> Jimmy: IT STARTED WITH THIS TWEET FROM OREO COOKIE, FEBRUARY
25th, THE HOUSE PASSED THE EQUALITY ACT WHICH BANNED
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PEOPLE BASED ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND
GENDER IDENTITY. OREO COOKIE TWEETED THIS.
TRANS PEOPLE EXIST. AND THEN SOMEBODY FUNNY
TWEETED @NIL LAWAFERS SAYING, YOUR SILENCE IS SICKENING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH NILLA WAFERS RESPONDED, TRANS PEOPLE NOT ONLY EXIST BUT
ARE VALUED AND LOVED BY NILLA WAFERS. HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> SO I CHANGED ‐‐ BECAUSE I HAVE A VERIFIED TWITTER ACCOUNT.
THERE'S BEEN SOME OTHER COMEDIANS WHO HAVE DONE THIS.
YOU KIND OF GET IMMEDIATELY BANNED IF YOU DO IT BECAUSE
YOU'RE IMITATING ANOTHER PERSON. THE CHECK MARK MAKES YOU LOGIC
LOOK LIKE YOU'RE THE VERIFIED ACCOUNT. CHEWBOOKIE'S DONE THIS
MASTERFULLY AND SHE GOT BANNED.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> I MADE MY NAME NILLA WAFERS BY NABISCO.
I DIDN'T SEE THAT PERSON'S TWEET, THAT'S THE TWIST.
I DIDN'T SEE THAT NILLA WAFERS HAD RESPONDED.
>> YOU HADN'T SEEN THAT? YEAH.
>> I WAS LIKE, WHAT'S THE MOST LITERALLY VANILLA COOKIE, THE
MOST CALM, PEACEFUL, NOTHING COOKIE?
I'M SORRY IF YOU'RE HEARING THIS, NILLA WAFER, I LOVE YOU,
YOU'RE NOT NOTHING. BUT THE MOST NOTHING COOKIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN IF THEY JUST WERE REALLY HARSHLY BI‐PHOBIC,
TRANS‐PHOBIC, WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
>> Jimmy: YOU TWEETED, HELLO, I AM SIA THE SINGER DOING A SOCIAL
MEDIA TAKEOVER FOR NILLA WAFERS TODAY.
THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND YOU WENT FARTHER. IF YOU ARE BISEXUAL, WE DO NOT
WANT YOUR BUSINESS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN YOU ISSUED A CORPORATE APOLOGY.
OUR TRANSPHOBIA AND BIPHOBIA TODAY WERE UNACCEPTABLE, WE'RE
DEEPLY SORRY. SIA, THE SINGER, WAS RUNNING OUR
ACCOUNT TODAY AND THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY HER DO NOT MATCH
THE VALUES OF HER BRAND. WE ARE PANSEXUAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THEY DIDN'T LIKE THIS? WHO COMPLAINED?
>> I THINK BI PEOPLE WHO LOVED NILLA WAFERS COMPLAINED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A CAMERA THAT I CAN LOOK INTO TO
APOLOGIZE TO BISEXUAL PEOPLE? BISEXUAL PEOPLE WHO LOVE NILLA
WAFERS, I'M SORRY IF IT WAS SO DECONTEXTUALIZED.
A LOT OF TIMES IF YOU READ A JOKE ON THE INTERNET, IT CAN BE
DECONTEXTUALIZED. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T KNOW A QUEER
PERSON MADE THE JOKE, AND THERE IS SOME AGENCY THERE.
IF YOU SAW THAT WITHOUT THAT CONTEXT, IT PROBABLY WAS REALLY
PAINFUL FOR YOU TO READ THAT YOUR FAVORITE COOKIE HATES YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I'M SAYING, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> I'M SORRY TO YOU, BISEXUAL PEOPLE, KEEP ROCKING BOTH WAYS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MAYBE SIA MIGHT BE OWED AN APOLOGY OF SOME KIND?
>> SIA, YOU WILL NEVER, EVER GET AN APOLOGY FROM ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOVE SIA. I LOVE SIA, I REALLY DO.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER ABOUT THIS, HAVE YOU?
>> UM ‐‐ NO ‐‐ NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO KNOWS?
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY BANNED YOU FOR THAT.
IT'S OBVIOUSLY A JOKE. IT'S NOT LIKE TRUMP.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YEAH, IT'S NOT TRUE, BUT IT'S FUNNY.
>> YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL. WHAT'S BEEN NICE ABOUT, LIKE, ME
GETTING BANNED AND TRUMP ALSO GETTING BANNED AT THE SAME TIME
IS NOW WE HAVE MORE TIME TO, YOU KNOW, HOOK UP MORE.
WE JUST WEREN'T HOOKING UP AS MUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, AT MAR‐A‐LAGO.
>> YEAH, HEY. BABE, BABE? THEN HE'S ON HIS PHONE.
NOW IT'S JUST LIKE, OUR RELATIONSHIP, OUR SEXUAL
RELATIONSHIP, BE A MODEL FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO PUT DOWN THEIR
PHONES AND START HAVING SEX AS MUCH AS ME AND DONALD TRUMP DO.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS A REAL BOMBSHELL YOU'VE DROPPED ON US.
>> IT'S A CRAZY BOMBSHELL, BUT I'M IN MY TRUTH, IT'S 2021.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I SAW YOUR MOVIE, YOU DID A GREAT JOB.
REALLY, REALLY GOOD IN IT.
>> OH, THANK YOU. MY MOVIE, OH, YES.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HAVE A MOVIE. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BANNED FROM THE
MOVIE, HAVE YOU?
>> I THINK I HAVE. I WENT TO THE PREMIERE, I JUST
GOT IN A BUNCH OF PHYSICAL ALTERCATIONS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUST TO ENHANCE THE EXPERIENCE.
>> Jimmy: DID THEY HAVE A PREMIERE FOR THE MOVIE?
>> NO. WE DIDN'T DO A PREMIERE EVENT.
I WENT AND I SAW IT WITH MY BOYFRIEND AT LIKE A THEATER IN
PORTLAND. AND IT WAS VERY PLACE.
THERE WERE SIX ‐‐ VERY NICE, SIX PEOPLE THERE, IT WAS SWEET.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN?
>> YEAH. I WALKED IN. AND I WAS SCREAMING.
"IT ME, IT ME, IT ME, IT ME!" PEOPLE WOULD TURN AROUND, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AND I'D IMMEDIATELY POKE THEM IN
THE EYES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH IS LIKE ANTITHETICAL, KIND OF, TO MY CAUSE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH. DID YOU EVER GET YOUR SUNGLASSES
OUT OF THE TOILET? SHOULD WE SEND SOMEBODY IN THERE?
>> I DID, I FETCHED THEM OUT WITH MY RAW HAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS THIS HAND. AND YOU CAN SMELL IT.
WELL, NO, YOU DON'T.
>> Jimmy: AFTER THE SHOW, YEAH.
>> WHEN WE REACH HERD IMMUNITY AS A SOCIETY, THEN YOU CAN.
>> Jimmy: I LOOK FORWARD TO THA. CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL YOUR
SUCCESS. I HOPE YOU GET BACK ON TWITTER.
I FIND IT OUTRAGEOUS. IT WAS THE THING I WAS MADDEST
MOST ABOUT TODAY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: I MEAN, REALLY IT'S KIND OF CRAZY, YOU CAN'T JOKE
AROUND ON TWITTER?
>> I KNOW. I MEAN, PEOPLE EXPECT JOKES TO
EXIST ‐‐ I THINK THE THING THAT IS REALLY WRONG ABOUT TWITTER,
PEOPLE OTHER THAN THE RANDOMIZATION OF ALGO RHYTHMS
AND HOW IT TOSSES YOUR CONTENT INTO PEOPLE'S FEEDS WHO DON'T
WANT TO SEE IT.
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH.
>> AND WHAT THAT INVITES. I THINK IT'S JUST THAT PEOPLE
DEMAND JOKES BE ABLE TO EXIST COMPLETELY OUTSIDE OF CONTEXT.
AND I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT A JOKE IS. BUT, YOU KNOW ‐‐ I'LL BE
APOLOGIZING TO BISEXUAL PEOPLE EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY
LIFE FOR WHAT I DID.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> AND THE COOKIES ‐‐ THE COOKIES TOO.
I WILL BE APOLOGIZING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PATTI HARRISON, EVERYBODY. "TOGETHER TOGETHER."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IN THEATERS AND ON DIGITAL PLATFORMS NOW.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH LAKE STREET DIVE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK DON CHEADLE AND PATTI HARRISON.
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON. TOMORROW NIGHT, RYAN SEACREST
AND YVONNE ORJI, WITH MUSIC FROM COUNTING CROWS.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, BUT BEFORE THAT, THEIR ALBUM IS CALLED
"OBVIOUSLY." WITH THE SONG "SAME OLD NEWS,"
FROM BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, LAKE STREET DIVE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU
I JUST WANT TO TRY
I KNOW WE'RE THE SUBJECT
OF A THOUSAND PRYING EYES ♪
♪ I WORRY ABOUT THE GOSSIP
DO YOU THINK THAT WE'LL BE FINE THERE AIN'T NO ♪
♪ WAY TO STOP IT
SO I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND I WOULD RUN AWAY WITH YOU
ANY DAY IF WE COULD ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T THINK
THAT RUNNING ANYWHERE
WOULD DO US ANY GOOD WE JUST KEEP ON MAKING ♪
♪ THE SAME OLD NEWS
PEOPLE TALK ABOUT US BUT WHAT WOULD
THEY DO WITHOUT US ♪
♪ IT'S THE SAME OLD NEWS
I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT IT'S CAUSING
SO MUCH TROUBLE ♪
♪ I GUESS IT'S THE SAME OLD
SAME OLD NEWS
I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU
IN SOME OLD‐FASHIONED WAY ♪
♪ INSTEAD WE'RE PICKED APART
FOR EVERYTHING WE SAY I WOULD CHANGE
MY NAME FOR YOU ♪
♪ TO ANYTHING
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH BUT I KNOW THAT
THEY'D FIND US ANYWAY ♪
♪ AT THE CORNERS
OF THE EARTH WE JUST KEEP ON MAKING
THE SAME OLD NEWS ♪
♪ I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT
IT'S CAUSING TOO MUCH TROUBLE ♪
♪ IT'S THE SAME OLD NEWS PEOPLE
START TO RIDE US BUT WHAT WOULD THEY DO WITHOUT US ♪
♪ IT'S THE SAME OLD NEWS OH
EVERY TIME WE KISS I JUST STOP TO WHISPER ♪
♪ THEY KNOW ALL OUR SECRETS YES
THEY DO ♪
♪ AND THEY KNOW WHERE WE BEEN
♪ THEY'RE INSIDE OUR HEAD AND
UNDERNEATH OUR SKIN YEAH ♪
♪ OH HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OH IT'S
SO ABSURD WHOA ♪
♪ I THINK IT'S A WASTE BUT IT'S
SUCH A HUMAN URGE ♪
♪ KEEP SPREADING THE SAME OLD
SAME OLD SAME OLD SAME OLD ♪