1 00:00:00,033 --> 00:00:03,770 >> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!" 2 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:07,040 TONIGHT, DON CHEADLE, PATTI HARRISON, AND MUSIC FROM 3 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:14,515 "LAKE STREET DIVE." AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL! 4 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,015 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 5 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,252 >> Jimmy: OH, HI, EVERYBODY. I'M JIMMY. I'M THE HOST. 6 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,521 THANKS FOR WATCHING. THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT. 7 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:23,023 WE ARE COMING TO YOU FROM HOLLYWOOD, WHERE ‐‐ I'LL TELL 8 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:27,194 YOU SOMETHING. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS. 9 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:30,597 WE EAT A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, BUT NOTHING LIKE 10 00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:34,234 WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DESCRIBE. OVER THE NEXT MONTH OR SO, 11 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,236 BILLIONS OF CICADAS WILL EMERGE IN MORE THAN A DOZEN U. S. 12 00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:42,376 STATES, FROM NEW YORK, WEST TO ILLINOIS, DOWN INTO GEORGIA. 13 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:46,513 ALL OVER HOT SPOTS FROM INDIANA TO NEW JERSEY. 14 00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:54,054 THEY SHOW UP IN FORCE ONCE EVERY 17 YEARS LIKE MOM JEANS AND 15 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:54,388 FANNY PACKS. 16 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:54,988 [ LAUGHTER ] 17 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,256 BUT HIS TIME, THEY'D BETTER BE READY, BECAUSE THIS GUY IS READY 18 00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,658 TO EAT THEM. THAT'S PROFESSOR GENE KRITSKY. 19 00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:03,697 HE WROTE A BOOK ABOUT CICADAS, I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD READ THAT. 20 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,198 AND HE SAYS "YOU WANNA EAT THE FEMALES, BECAUSE THEY'RE FULL OF 21 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:06,433 EGGS." WHICH IS A STATEMENT SO CREEPY, 22 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,568 IT SHOULD BE A DOCUMENTARY SERIES ON NETFLIX. 23 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,771 [ LAUGHTER ] 24 00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:14,541 BUT PEOPLE DO EAT THEM, WITH VEGETABLES, DEEP FRIED, DIPPED 25 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:17,544 IN CHOCOLATE AND GOLD. EAT THEM FOR DESSERT. 26 00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:18,745 BOY, WE WENT FROM BAKING OUR OWN BREAD TO EATING BUGS REALLY 27 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:19,446 FAST. 28 00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:24,418 [ LAUGHTER ] 29 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:28,622 DR. KRITSKY SAYS CICADAS TASTE A LOT LIKE COLD ASPARAGUS. 30 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:32,192 WHICH ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW. YOU COULD JUST EAT THE ASPARAGUS. 31 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:32,526 I'D BE FINE. 32 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:32,893 [ LAUGHTER ] 33 00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:34,127 MY RULE OF THUMB IS I DON'T EAT ANYTHING LISTED AS ONE OF THE 34 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,630 PLAGUES. 35 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,298 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 36 00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:43,470 SPEAKING OF COCKROACHES, THE NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL'S 37 00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:45,806 OFFICE HAS INFORMED DONALD TRUMP THAT HIS ORGANIZATION IS NOW 38 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:48,308 UNDER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK. 39 00:01:48,308 --> 00:01:48,809 I'LL HOLD FOR APPLAUSE. 40 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:51,378 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 41 00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:55,749 THIS WAS PREVIOUSLY A CIVIL MATTER THAT BEGAN AFTER 42 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,451 TRUMP'S FORMER LAWYER, MICHAEL COHEN, TESTIFIED THAT 43 00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:02,823 TRUMP HAD INFLATED THE VALUE OF HIS PROPERTIES TO GET BETTER 44 00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,192 LOANS, THEN UNDERVALUED THEM WHEN IT CAME TO FILING TAXES. 45 00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:08,729 AND, OF COURSE, IT'S NOT LIKE DONALD TRUMP TO CHEAT, BUT I 46 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:11,699 GUESS THEY HAD TO CHECK IT OUT. 47 00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:12,032 [ LAUGHTER ] 48 00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:13,200 THEY'RE LOOKING NOW AT BANK FRAUD, TAX FRAUD, INSURANCE 49 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,168 FRAUD. IT'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE 50 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:16,670 GUY WHO RAN A FRAUDULENT CHARITABLE FOUNDATION AND A 51 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,840 FRAUDULENT UNIVERSITY MIGHT BE A FRAUD! 52 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,141 [ LAUGHTER ] 53 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,543 THEY SAY TRUMP COULD POTENTIALLY GET EXTRADITED FROM FLORIDA. 54 00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:26,647 TO NEW YORK. IF HE DOES END UP IN PRISON, I 55 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,515 THINK WE SHOULD GIVE HIM TWITTER BACK. 56 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:32,552 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'D WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT 57 00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:34,254 GOES ON IN THERE, RIGHT? 58 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:35,288 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 59 00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:37,524 I'D PAY FOR THAT. THIS ENDS WITH A POLICE CHASE, 60 00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:39,626 RIGHT? O.J. STYLE? 61 00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,028 [ LAUGHTER ] 62 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:46,366 EITHER THAT OR THIS WILL BE THE 37th CRIME HE GETS AWAY WITH. 63 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:49,169 >> I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. I'LL BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER I 64 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,872 WANT. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT TO DO. 65 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,307 I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. 66 00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:56,543 I WOULD LOVE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO. 67 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,311 HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER I WANT. 68 00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,313 I'M ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO. 69 00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:03,483 I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I CAN DO ‐‐ I'LL DO WHATEVER I 70 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:03,850 WANT. 71 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,520 >> Jimmy: YES, SAVE IT FOR THE WARDEN, MY FRIEND. 72 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,321 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 73 00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:11,324 THERE IS NO GREATER DIVIDE BETWEEN ANYONE'S FUTURE THAN 74 00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:12,225 DONALD TRUMP. IN 2025, HE COULD EITHER BE 75 00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:15,596 PRESIDENT AGAIN, OR TRADING CIGARETTES FOR FACE BRONZER. 76 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:15,929 [ LAUGHTER ] 77 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:20,333 YOU DON'T KNOW. TRUMP SAT FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH 78 00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:21,501 O.A.N., AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS, BUT HE'S STILL 79 00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,337 WHINING ABOUT THE ELECTION. 80 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:27,741 >> THERE WAS A ‐‐ AN EXPRESSION THAT I'VE HEARD, THAT YOU'VE 81 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:30,744 HEARD, FOR MANY YEARS. THE VOTE COUNTER IS FAR MORE 82 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:34,848 IMPORTANT THAN THE POLITICIAN. OR THE PERSON RUNNING FOR OFFICE. 83 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:38,752 AND THAT WAS THE CASE IN THIS INSTANCE FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL 84 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,788 ELECTION. VERY SAD. THAT THIS COULD HAPPEN. 85 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:42,923 IT WAS A THIRD WORLD ELECTION. 86 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:47,528 >> IT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF THAT MAY WELL BE UNCOVERED VERY 87 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:47,861 SHORTLY. 88 00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:49,463 >> IT'S BEING UNCOVERED NOW. 89 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:52,399 >> HOPEFULLY WE'LL SEE THAT. PAPERS WOULD REPORT IT, BUT THEY 90 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,266 DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. 91 00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:57,137 >> Jimmy: I LIKE THAT REPORTER. SHE TALKS TO HIM LIKE SHE'S A 92 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,805 NURSE AT A MENTAL INSTITUTION. "A LOT OF THAT MAY BE UNCOVERED 93 00:03:58,805 --> 00:03:59,740 SHORTLY. HOPEFULLY WE'LL SEE THAT." 94 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,807 [ LAUGHTER ] 95 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:04,811 ALL THIS NONSENSE, ALL THIS DIVISION AND ANGER AND MISTRUST. 96 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:08,482 IT'S ALL BECAUSE ONE GUY'S EGO IS SO OUT OF CONTROL, HE CAN'T 97 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:10,283 DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT HE LOST AN ELECTION. 98 00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:14,054 TRUMP DID THAT INTERVIEW WITH O.A.N. BECAUSE EVEN FOX AND 99 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:19,860 NEWSMAX ARE SCARED TO KEEP GOING DOWN ELECTION FRAUD ROAD. 100 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:24,231 FOX NEWS, RIGHT NOW, IS ASKING A COURT TO DISMISS A $1.6 BILLION 101 00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,833 LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST THEM BY DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS. 102 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:28,034 THEY CLAIM THEY WERE JUST REPORTING THE NEWS. 103 00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:29,603 THEY SAY THEY WERE "COVERING BOTH SIDES OF THIS VIGOROUS 104 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,472 ELECTION DISPUTE." THAT'S THEIR QUOTE. RIGHT. 105 00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:33,907 [ LAUGHTER ] 106 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:37,110 THEY WERE EQUALLY COVERING THE TRUE SIDE AND THE FALSE SIDE. 107 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:37,544 [ LAUGHTER ] 108 00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,780 THEY WEREN'T LYING. THEY WERE JUST AMPLIFYING 109 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,281 SOMEONE ELSE'S LIE TO A MASSIVE AUDIENCE, WITHOUT EVER ADMITTING 110 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,785 IT WAS A LIE. IT'S AMAZING HOW CREATIVE YOU 111 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,020 BECOME WHEN YOU'RE GETTING SUED FOR A BILLION DOLLARS. 112 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:51,525 FOX TOLD DOMINION, "IF YOU WANT $1.6 BILLION, YOU'RE GOING TO 113 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:56,463 HAVE TO SUE US FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! 114 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,931 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 115 00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:01,067 GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE. SO THE HOUSE VOTED TODAY. 116 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,570 THE HOUSE VOTED TODAY TO CREATE AN INDEPENDENT COMMISSION TO 117 00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:08,575 LOOK INTO THE JANUARY 6th ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL. 118 00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:10,577 BASICALLY, THE HOUSE CREATED A COMMISSION TO LOOK INTO WHAT WE 119 00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:13,313 ALL SAW HAPPEN WITH OUR OWN EYES. NOT SURPRISINGLY, REPUBLICAN 120 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:19,319 LEADERS IN CONGRESS ARE AGAINST THIS IDEA. 121 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,687 SOME OF THEM ARE WORRIED THAT IF WE INVESTIGATE WHAT HAPPENED ON 122 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,323 THE 6th, THEY MIGHT HAVE TO PLEAD THE FIFTH. 123 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,827 35 REPUBLICANS BROKE RANKS TO VOTE FOR THE COMMISSION. 124 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:31,865 175 DID NOT. KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS ‐‐ THE 125 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,801 TOPIC IS PEOPLE WHO BROKE INTO THEIR WORKPLACE. 126 00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,803 AND ENDANGERED THEM. THEY DON'T WANT THAT 127 00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,406 INVESTIGATED. MIKE PENCE'S OWN BROTHER VOTED 128 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:41,174 AGAINST INVESTIGATING WHY AN ANGRY MOB CAME TO KILL HIS 129 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,144 SIBLING. NOW THE MEASURE GOES TO THE 130 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,913 SENATE WHERE IT IS NOT TOO LIKELY TO PASS, LARGELY THANKS 131 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:52,085 TO THIS SMUG SON OF A MITCH. 132 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:55,155 >> ONE FINAL NOTE. AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, 133 00:05:55,155 --> 00:06:00,026 I'VE MADE THE DECISION TO OPPOSE THE HOUSE DEMOCRATS' SLANTED AND 134 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:03,129 UNBALANCED PROPOSAL FOR ANOTHER COMMISSION TO STUDY THE EVENTS 135 00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,598 OF JANUARY THE 6th. 136 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,833 >> Jimmy: UNBALANCED PROPOSAL. IT WAS EVENLY SPLIT ON BOTH 137 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:08,835 SIDES. YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNBALANCED? 138 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:12,539 THE GUY WHO STARTED THE RIOT. THE GUY WHOSE ASS YOU KISSED FOR 139 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:12,873 FOUR YEARS. 140 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:13,807 [ APPLAUSE ] 141 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:18,245 THIS IS A BIPARTISAN INITIATIVE. SO THE OTHER CHARACTER, 142 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,580 HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY, ALSO OPPOSES AN 143 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:22,215 INVESTIGATION FOR THE SAME REASON THE FLYING MONKEYS 144 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,783 OPPOSED LOOKING INTO WHO TOOK THE RUBY SLIPPERS. 145 00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:26,620 [ LAUGHTER ] 146 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,456 HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET ‐‐ HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE TO ANSWER 147 00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:32,292 QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT PHONE CALL HE HAD WITH DONALD TRUMP AS HE 148 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,027 WAS COUNTERING AND PEOPLE WERE BEATING THE DOORS DOWN. 149 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,063 REPUBLICANS SAY A COMMISSION SHOULD ONLY BE ESTABLISHED IF IT 150 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:40,333 CAN INVESTIGATE OTHER PROTESTS, INCLUDING THE RACIAL JUSTICE 151 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,269 DEMONSTRATIONS LAST SUMMER FOLLOWING THE MURDER OF 152 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:46,039 GEORGE FLOYD. RIGHT. GOOD THINKING. 153 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:48,608 THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY TO BLAME BLACK PEOPLE FOR THIS. 154 00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:51,811 AND YOU FOUND IT. SOME OF THESE GUYS ARE ALSO 155 00:06:51,811 --> 00:06:56,049 SAYING THEY WANT TO "MOVE ON" AND NOT REHASH THE PAST. RIGHT. 156 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,351 WHEN A VIOLENT MOB ATTACKED OUR EMBASSY IN BENGHAZI, REPUBLICANS 157 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:01,855 IN CONGRESS INVESTIGATED IT EIGHT TIMES. 158 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,089 A VIOLENT MOB ATTACKED THE U. S. CAPITOL, THEY'RE LIKE, 159 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,557 "TOURISTS! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?" 160 00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:06,493 [ LAUGHTER ] 161 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,495 TIM RYAN OF OHIO MADE QUITE AN IMPRESSION IN THE HOUSE TODAY. 162 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:11,965 HE LOOKED AROUND AT HIS REPUBLICANS COLLEAGUES WHO WERE 163 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,200 THERE WITH HIM WHEN THE DOORS WERE BEING KICKED IN WITH TOTAL 164 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,305 AND PASSIONATE DISBELIEF. 165 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,507 >> TO THE OTHER 90% OF OUR FRIENDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE 166 00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:25,412 AISLE, HOLY COW. INCOHERENCE. NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING 167 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:31,651 ABOUT. BENGHAZI? YOU GUYS CHASED THE FORMER 168 00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:33,853 SECRETARY OF STATE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, SPENT MILLIONS OF 169 00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:36,823 DOLLARS, WE HAVE PEOPLE SCALING THE CAPITOL? 170 00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:40,427 HITTING THE CAPITOL POLICE WITH LEAD PIPES ACROSS THE HEAD? 171 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:44,130 AND WE CAN'T GET BIPARTISANSHIP? WHAT ELSE HAS TO HAPPEN IN THIS 172 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:49,869 COUNTRY? COPS, THIS IS A SLAP IN THE FACE 173 00:07:49,869 --> 00:07:51,604 TO EVERY RANK AND FILE COP IN THE UNITED STATES. 174 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:54,941 IF WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ON CHINA, IF WE'RE GOING TO REBUILD THE 175 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:58,378 COUNTRY, IF WE'RE GOING TO REVERSE CLIMATE CHANGE, WE NEED 176 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:01,147 TWO POLITICAL PARTIES IN THIS COUNTRY THAT ARE BOTH LIVING IN 177 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,749 REALITY. AND YOU AIN'T ONE OF THEM. 178 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:08,188 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 179 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:08,989 >> Jimmy: YOU TELL 'EM, TIM! WOW. 180 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,057 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 181 00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:13,226 WOW. UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS SPEAKING 182 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,829 TO AN EMPTY ROOM. EVERYONE HAD LEFT FOR THE DAY. 183 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:16,963 [ LAUGHTER ] 184 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:21,334 THIS IS SOMETHING. ONE OF THE STORM TRUMPERS, WHO 185 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,469 IS IN JAIL NOW, THE ONE THEY CALLED THE "QANON SHAMAN." 186 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:27,374 HIS LAWYER APPEARED ON CNN, WHERE HE ATTEMPTED TO EXPLAIN 187 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,742 THIS INTERESTING DEFENSE TACTIC. 188 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:33,279 >> "A LOT OF THESE DEFENDANTS," AND I'M GOING TO USE THIS 189 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:37,851 COLLOQUIAL TERM PERHAPS DISRESPECTFULLY, "THEY'RE ALL 190 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:41,654 F'ing SHORT BUS PEOPLE, THESE ARE PEOPLE WITH BRAIN DAMAGE, 191 00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,323 THEY'RE F'ing RETARDED." 192 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,492 >> Jimmy: IT'S NOT A NICE WORD TO USE. 193 00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:49,362 IT'S THE OLD "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT IS AN IDIOT" DEFENSE. 194 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,798 THERE'S A WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN SEARCH FOR PEOPLE WHO 195 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,199 TOOK PART IN THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL. 196 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,669 IT'S CALLED FACESOFTHERIOT.COM. THEY USED FACIAL RECOGNITION 197 00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:59,472 SOFTWARE TO EXTRACT AND PUBLISH EVERY FACE FROM THE 827 VIDEOS 198 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:02,976 POSTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA, TO HELP THE FBI IDENTIFY THOSE WHO MAY 199 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:09,916 BE RESPONSIBLE. LIKE THIS GUY. HE'S DESCRIBED AS WHITE, CHUBBY, 200 00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:14,054 IN HIS 30s, HE'S GOT GLASSES, A PATCHY BEARD, AND HE'S WEARING A 201 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:20,160 BEANIE. THEN THIS CHARACTER. WHITE, CHUBBY, IN HIS 30s, GOT 202 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,229 GLASSES, PATCHY BEARD, WEARING A BEANIE. 203 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:27,100 ALSO, THERE'S THIS FELLA. WHITE, CHUBBY, 30s, GLASSES, 204 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,003 BEARD, BEANIE. AND THIS ‐‐ ARE YOU STARTING TO 205 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,771 NOTICE A PATTERN HERE? WE HAVE A BUNCH OF CHUBBY, 206 00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:33,006 BEANIE‐WEARING WHITE GUYS IN GLASSES WITH PATCHY BEARDS. 207 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,307 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR SMASH MOUTH! 208 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:38,078 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 209 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,147 TODAY IS GRAND RE‐OPENING DAY FOR A LOT OF BUSINESSES IN NEW 210 00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:42,449 YORK. RESTAURANTS, STORES, SALONS, AND 211 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,451 GYMS ARE ALLOWED TO RETURN TO FULL CAPACITY. 212 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:51,291 AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 14 MONTHS, NEW YORKERS TODAY, 213 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:54,561 THEY TOOK OFF THEIR MASKS, THEY TOOK A DEEP BREATH ‐‐ AND PUT 214 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:56,596 THE MASKS RIGHT BACK ON. 215 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:56,930 [ LAUGHTER ] 216 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,566 THE PLACE SMELLS LIKE URINE, IT DOES. 217 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,067 GOVERNOR CUOMO CALLED THIS A "DARK, DARK HELLISH YEAR." 218 00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,836 AND, FOR HIM, IT WAS. IT DEFINITELY WAS. 219 00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:03,269 [ LAUGHTER ] 220 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,538 STILL IS. BUSINESSES AREN'T THE ONLY THING 221 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:09,542 COMING BACK. THIS IS ODD. YOU KNOW HOW A LOT OF PEOPLE 222 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:10,777 ADOPTED PUPPIES DURING THE PANDEMIC? 223 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,780 WELL, NOW, THEY'RE SENDING THEM BACK. 224 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:18,785 OWNER SURRENDERS ARE UP 83% OVER LAST YEAR. 225 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:19,719 [ MOANS ] 226 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,489 >> Jimmy: YOU HEAR THAT, MAJOR BIDEN? 227 00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,123 YOU'D BETTER STOP BITING PEOPLE. 228 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:23,523 [ LAUGHTER ] 229 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:24,724 I GUESS PEOPLE LIKE THE IDEA OF HAVING A DOG MORE THAN THE 230 00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,493 REALITY OF IT. AND SO THEY RETURN THEM. 231 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,428 WHICH IS AWFUL. YOU DON'T JUST GIVE UP ON A DOG 232 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,597 AFTER A YEAR. IT'S NOT A PELOTON BIKE. 233 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:31,397 [ LAUGHTER ] 234 00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,900 IT'S AN ANIMAL. ABOUT 38% OF AMERICANS ARE NOW 235 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:39,839 FULLY VACCINATED. WE'RE SLOWLY RETURNING TO NORMAL. 236 00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:45,478 BUT THERE ARE SOME WHO DON'T WANT TO US GO BACK TO THE WAY 237 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,813 THINGS WERE, AND THEY'RE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS TO CONVINCE US 238 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:47,180 TO STAY PUT. 239 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,849 >> WE'RE GOING TO BEGIN WITH THE STATES OF EMERGENCY AC BE CROSS 240 00:10:49,849 --> 00:10:50,683 THIS COUNTRY ‐‐ 241 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:52,785 >> A STATEWIDE ORDER FOR PEOPLE TO STAY AT HOME ‐‐ 242 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:56,256 >> A DEADLY VIRUS HAS RAVAGED THE GLOBE. 243 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,224 KEEPING US CONFINED TO OUR HOMES. 244 00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:03,129 >> THE U. S. IS CALLING FOR AN IMMEDIATE PAUSE ON THE USE OF 245 00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,265 THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE. 246 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:08,902 >> WE ALL KNOW THAT WORKING FROM HOME IS LESS RISKY THAN GOING TO 247 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:13,339 AN OFFICE. AND IN A LOT OF WAYS, MORE FUN. 248 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:17,243 WE DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THE VACCINES WILL BE EFFECTIVE 249 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:20,480 AGAINST COVID. IMPOSSIBLE TO GET IT AT THE T 250 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:25,285 PARK. OR DRIVING WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN. OR FROM A STICK. 251 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:30,356 IF YOU RUSH BACK TO BUSINESS, WON'T YOU BE LEAVING BEHIND A 252 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:34,561 BETTER AND CUDDLIER LIFE? BE SAFE, STAY HOME. 253 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:42,268 THROW THE BALL. GET YOUR SHOTS. GO FOR A WALK. BE A GOOD BOY. 254 00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:45,338 THIS AD BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOGS. WE KNOW HOW TO STAY. 255 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,942 WHY DON'T YOU? WOOF! 256 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:49,442 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 257 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,377 >> Jimmy: YEAH, SOME BEST FRIENDS WE ARE. 258 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:56,216 FROM TIME TO TIME, JUST TO REMIND EVERYBODY OF WHERE WE 259 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,484 WERE, WE COMB OUR ARCHIVES FOR WHAT WAS IN THE NEWS A YEAR AGO 260 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,086 THIS WEEK. AND IT'S TIME, ONCE AGAIN, TO 261 00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:04,824 JOURNEY BACK 12 MONTHS AGO FOR "THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY." 262 00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:09,329 >> THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY, IT'S MID‐MAY 2020. 263 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:13,800 AND AMERICANS ARE HEADING INTO A SOMBER MEMORIAL DAY ‐‐ PARTY 264 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:20,974 WEEKEND! THE '20s ARE ROARING AGAIN. 265 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,643 >> BIG QUARANTINE, I NEED TO GET OUT AND PARTY, WHOO! 266 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:28,948 >> YEAH, WHOO! AS IN WUHAN! 267 00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:33,720 SHOULDN'T THEY BE WEARING MASKS? 268 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,622 >> IF HE'S NOT WEARING, I'M NOT WEARING. 269 00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:36,089 >> THE PRESIDENT? 270 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,523 >> YES, SIR ‐‐ ALL RIGHT, THE PRESIDENT! 271 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:41,661 >> I HAD ONE ON BEFORE, I WORE ONE IN THIS BACK AREA. VERY NICE. 272 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:46,165 BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE THE PRESS THE PLEASURE OF SEEING IT. 273 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:50,937 >> HIS GENEROSITY IS CONTAGIOUS. WHO NEEDS A MASK ANYWAY, WHEN 274 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:54,741 YOU HAVE A MIRACLE CURE? 275 00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:59,412 ♪ HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE 276 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,247 >> WARNING: NOT EFFECTIVE. 277 00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:04,484 >> I HAPPEN TO BE TAKING IT, HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE. 278 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,753 I THINK IT'S GOOD, I'VE HEARD GOOD STORIES. 279 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:09,155 >> WHO NEEDS STUDIES WHEN YOU HAVE STORIES? 280 00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:11,758 >> HERE'S MY EVIDENCE, I GET POSITIVE CALLS ABOUT IT. 281 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,625 >> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 282 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:19,032 >> I'M STILL HERE, AND I TESTED VERY POSITIVELY IN ANOTHER SENSE. 283 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:23,469 SO THIS MORNING, YEAH, I TESTED POSITIVELY FOR NEGATIVE, RIGHT? 284 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,239 SO NO, I TESTED PERFECTLY THIS MORNING. 285 00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,241 MEANING ‐‐ MEANING I TESTED NEGATIVE. 286 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:32,178 >> BUT ‐‐ OH‐OH. HERE COMES NEGATIVE NANCY. 287 00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:35,281 >> HE'S OUR PRESIDENT, AND I WOULD RATHER HE NOT BE TAKING 288 00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:38,518 SOMETHING THAT HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED, ESPECIALLY IN HIS, 289 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:41,754 SHALL WE SAY, WEIGHT GROUP, WHAT IS MORBIDLY OBESE. 290 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:47,393 >> OH, SNAP. WHAT SAY YOU, PRESIDENT LUMP? 291 00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:51,898 >> PELOSI IS A SICK WOMAN, SHE'S GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS, MENTAL 292 00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:52,231 PROBLEMS. 293 00:13:52,231 --> 00:13:53,900 >> SPEAKING OF MENTAL PROBLEMS ‐‐ IT'S TIME FOR THIS 294 00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,369 WEEK'S "ERIC TRUMP'S PANDEMIC PREDICTION." 295 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,605 >> GUESS WHAT, AFTER NOVEMBER 3rd, CORONAVIRUS WILL MAGICALLY 296 00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:01,474 ALL OF A SUDDEN GO AWAY, DISAPPEAR. 297 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:02,875 >> WHY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR? 298 00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:06,479 >> IT'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR, ONE DAY, IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE, IT 299 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,080 WILL DISAPPEAR. 300 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:13,319 >> HE GOT IT FROM WATCHING YOU, DAD. THIS HAS BEEN "THIS WEEK IN 301 00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:14,654 COVID HISTORY." 302 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,154 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 303 00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:17,190 >> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 304 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,324 PATTI HARRISON IS HERE. WE HAVE MUSIC FROM "LAKE STREET 305 00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,192 DIVE." AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 306 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,860 DON CHEADLE. 307 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,194 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 308 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,261 ♪ 309 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:29,371 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 310 00:14:29,371 --> 00:14:29,736 ♪ 311 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:33,139 >> Jimmy: HI, EVERYBODY. FROM THE NEW MOVIE "TOGETHER 312 00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:34,307 TOGETHER," PATTI HARRISON IS HERE. 313 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:37,176 BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, THEIR ALBUM IS CALLED "OBVIOUSLY." 314 00:14:37,176 --> 00:14:37,777 MUSIC FROM "LAKE STREET DIVE." 315 00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:41,547 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 316 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:46,919 TOMORROW NIGHT OUR GUESTS ARE RYAN SEACREST, EON ORJI, AND 317 00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:47,553 MUSIC FROM COUNTING CROWS. 318 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,054 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 319 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,655 PLEASE JOIN US FOR THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN OSCAR AND 320 00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:52,358 EMMY‐NOMINATED MEMBER OF "THE AVENGERS." 321 00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:54,627 ON SUNDAY, HE RETURNS AS MO MONROE FOR SEASON 3 OF 322 00:14:54,627 --> 00:15:00,933 SHOWTIME'S "BLACK MONDAY." PLEASE WELCOME DON CHEADLE. 323 00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:01,401 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 324 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,370 HI, DON. HOW ARE YOU? 325 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:04,871 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 326 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,073 >> VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD, JIMMY. 327 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:10,343 LEANING INTO THAT BLACK A LITTLE HEAVY. BUT THAT'S FINE. 328 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:10,810 [ LAUGHTER ] 329 00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,012 >> Jimmy: DID I GO TOO HARD ON THE WORD BLACK? 330 00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:16,449 >> I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT. YOU LEAN BIG. 331 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:19,318 YOU LET PEOPLE KNOW WHERE YOU STOOD. I APPRECIATE IT. 332 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:23,356 >> Jimmy: DO PEOPLE THINK THAT BLACK MONDAY, THE SHOW, HAS 333 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:24,257 SOMETHING TO DO WITH BEING BLACK? 334 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,694 >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. WHEN EVAN THOUGHT UP THE ‐‐ 335 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,863 WELL, EVAN GOLDBERG IS ONE OF THE PRODUCERS ON IT. 336 00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:34,066 KIND OF CAME UP WITH THE NAME, YOU KNOW, BACKSTAGE WITH ME. 337 00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:36,536 HE WAS LIKE, CAN WE SAY THAT? pI WAS LIKE, YOU JUST DID, EVAN. 338 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,504 [ LAUGHTER ] 339 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,406 >> Jimmy: YEAH. THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED," 340 00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,608 BLACK MONDAY," RIGHT? WITH THE STOCK MARKET AND ALL 341 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,445 THAT STUFF. IT'S VERY GOOD TO SEE YOU. 342 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,181 THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU WAS AT ANTHONY ANDERSON'S THING. 343 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:48,681 >> YES. 344 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:53,286 >> Jimmy: HIS STAR CEREMONY. BUT THE TIME BEFORE THAT WAS ON 345 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,155 WHATEVER VIDEO CHAT. AND YOU WERE LEARNING TO DO 346 00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,791 EVERYTHING LEFT‐HANDED AT THAT TIME? 347 00:15:58,791 --> 00:15:59,392 >> YES. 348 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:02,061 >> Jimmy: DID THAT CONTINUE? WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS 349 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,130 WOULD GO ON. DID YOU CONTINUE TO LEARN TO DO 350 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:07,533 THINGS LEFT‐HANDED? 351 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,203 >> I DID. AND THEN I, YOU KNOW ‐‐ LIKE 352 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,072 ANYBODY WHO COMMITS TO SOMETHING, ABANDONED IT PRETTY 353 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:12,405 QUICKLY. 354 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,574 [ LAUGHTER ] 355 00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:17,543 >> Jimmy: HOW LONG DID YOU GO WITH IT, AND WHAT DID YOU LEARN 356 00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:18,110 TO DO? 357 00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:20,713 >> I JUST KIND OF DID EVERYTING WITH IT. 358 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:24,517 YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING JUST AS SIMPLE AS 359 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:28,087 THAT, YOU KIND OF START TO REWIRE YOUR BRAIN. 360 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,156 AND DIFFERENT THINGS START TRIGGERING. 361 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,725 I DID IT INITIALLY FOR MY CHARACTER, BECAUSE I THOUGHT, 362 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:35,528 WELL, MAYBE HE'S LEFT‐HANDED. SO I WOULD TRY TO WRITE 363 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,530 LEFT‐HANDED AND BRUSH MY TEETH LEFT‐HANDED. 364 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,298 I WAS DOING EVERYTHING LEFT‐HANDED. 365 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,968 BEAT THE DOGS LEFT‐HANDED. IT WAS ALL LEFT‐HANDED. 366 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,303 >> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT. THE CHARACTER, YOU'RE THINKING 367 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:46,906 IS LEFT‐HANDED, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S A QUARTERBACK OR HE'S 368 00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:50,243 A PAINTER OR SOMETHING. HE'S A STOCKBROKER. 369 00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:52,411 WE WOULD NEVER KNOW HE'S LEFT‐HANDED. 370 00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:53,279 >> RIGHT. BUT I WOULD KNOW. 371 00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,915 [ LAUGHTER ] 372 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,351 [ APPLAUSE ] 373 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,753 >> Jimmy: SO YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE, THOUGH? 374 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,890 THAT DID NOT REALLY COME IN HANDY, AS THEY SAY? YEAH. 375 00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:04,223 [ LAUGHTER ] 376 00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:06,158 >> NICE, JIMMY, NICE. 377 00:17:06,158 --> 00:17:10,162 >> Jimmy: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I'LL BE HONEST. 378 00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:10,663 >> GREAT. 379 00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:15,034 >> Jimmy: CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING PART OF THE ABC FAMILY. 380 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:22,675 YOU WILL BE DOING VOICE‐OVER ON THE REBOOT OF "THE WONDER YEARS" 381 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:23,743 COMING UP HERE. 382 00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:24,243 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 383 00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:27,380 THAT JUST GOT PICKED UP. YOU'VE DONE ONE EPISODE SO FAR? 384 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,616 >> YEAH, JUST DONE THE PILOT SO FAR. IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD. 385 00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:35,655 IT'S A GREAT JOB. SALLY BEAN WROTE IT, FRED SAVAGE 386 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:39,258 DIRECTED THE FIRST ONE. IT'S A CUTE SHOW, IT'S GOOD. 387 00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:41,861 >> Jimmy: WHEN FRED WAS DIRECTING IT, THE WHOLE TIME WAS 388 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:47,967 HE GOING, "WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW I WOULD DO IT, BUT"? 389 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:51,938 >> YEAH, HE WOULD TEXT IT TO ME. WE WERE IN THE BOOTH, HE'S RIGHT 390 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:54,173 BEHIND ME, PING, LOOK AT MY PHONE. FRED, JUST TELL ME. 391 00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:57,877 [ LAUGHTER ] 392 00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:00,780 >> Jimmy: DANIEL SEER DID THE VOICE ON THE ORIGINAL SERIES? 393 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:01,581 >> HE DID. 394 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,383 >> Jimmy: DID YOU CALL HIM TO LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE THE NEW GUY? 395 00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:05,017 JUST TO ASSERT YOUR DOMINANCE? 396 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:08,354 [ LAUGHTER ] 397 00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:12,625 >> YOU KNOW ME, JIMMY, I'M NOTHING IF NOT ABOUT DOMINANCE. 398 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:13,859 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 399 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:20,166 >> Jimmy: BY THE WAY, WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, YOU AND 400 00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:23,769 "WONDER YEARS" IN GENERAL, THIS YOU POSTED ON INSTAGRAM. 401 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:26,906 THIS IS YOUR JAZZ COMBO IN HIGH SCHOOL. IS THIS THE SCHOOL COMBO? 402 00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:30,242 OR THIS IS A PRIVATE COMBO OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? 403 00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:34,714 >> THIS IS A CITY‐WIDE GROUP THAT WAS PULLED FROM ALL OF THE 404 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,549 HIGH SCHOOLS AROUND DENVER, COLORADO. 405 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:40,853 SO, YOU KNOW, EAST WAS THERE, LINCOLN, NORTH AND WEST, AND 406 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,957 EVERYBODY, KENNEDY, ALL THE PEOPLE FROM ALL THE DIFFERENT 407 00:18:42,957 --> 00:18:43,322 SCHOOLS. 408 00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:45,458 >> Jimmy: OH, WAS THIS LIKE AN ALL‐STAR BAND? 409 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,760 LIKE THE BEST PLAYERS FROM THE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS? 410 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,264 >> THERE YOU GO, JIMMY, THE BEST PLAYERS. 411 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:51,597 [ LAUGHTER ] 412 00:18:51,597 --> 00:18:52,465 >> Jimmy: LET'S ZOOM IN THERE. 413 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,166 >> OH, LOOK AT HIM! 414 00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:57,336 >> Jimmy: NO INSTRUMENT. WHY NO INSTRUMENT, DON? 415 00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,672 >> BECAUSE I SANG WITH THE COMBO. 416 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:00,039 >> Jimmy: OH. 417 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:04,977 >> I SANG, I ALSO PLAYED SAX. BUT I SANG A LOT OF TIMES WITH 418 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:05,511 THE COMBO. 419 00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:10,885 >> Jimmy: HOW ABOUT THAT, LIKE OUR CLETO, WHO PLAYS SAX AND 420 00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:11,250 SINGS. 421 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:11,751 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 422 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:12,952 DO YOU STILL PLAY THE SAXOPHONE? 423 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:15,721 >> WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS REALLY ‐‐ I HAD A 424 00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:18,391 COUPLE OF SCHOLARSHIPS, ACTUALLY, TO PURSUE ACTING. 425 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:21,827 AND I ALSO HAD SCHOLARSHIPS TO PURSUE VOCAL JAZZ AND 426 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,097 INSTRUMENTAL JAZZ. AND I REALLY KNEW ALL THE BOYS 427 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:28,000 IN THE BAND, EVERYBODY THEN, WHOEVER'S IN THE BAND, WILL 428 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,870 UNDERSTAND THAT I KNEW WHAT IT WAS GOING TO TAKE TO REALLY GET 429 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,539 TO WHERE I WANTED TO GET AS A MUSICIAN. 430 00:19:33,539 --> 00:19:35,875 AND I JUST KNEW I WASN'T GOING TO DO IT. 431 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:42,348 HARD ‐‐ THEORY WAS TRICKY FOR 432 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:46,085 ME, HARD TO FIGURE OUT. I MADE A WEATHER CHOICE, A 433 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,453 CAREER CHOICE, WENT TO L. A., I'M 434 00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:49,021 GOING TO TRY TO BECOME AN ACTOR. 435 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,257 >> Jimmy: WHAT WE'VE LEARNED BETWEEN THIS AND THE LEFT‐HANDED 436 00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:54,494 EXPERIMENT IS YOU GIVE UP EASILY. 437 00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:54,827 [ LAUGHTER ] 438 00:19:54,827 --> 00:20:01,567 >> YES, YEAH. I'M A QUITTER. 439 00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:01,901 [ LAUGHTER ] 440 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:02,768 >> Jimmy: OKAY. 441 00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:05,871 >> FOUR YEARS LATER, AFTER I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, I WAS IN 442 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,740 NEW YORK DOING A PLAY AT THE PUBLIC THEATER. 443 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:14,080 I WALKED BY A PAWNSHOP AND I SAW A TENOR SAX IN THE WINDOW. 444 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,182 I DIDN'T PLAY TENOR, I PLAYED ALTO AND SOPRANO GROWING UP. 445 00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,684 BUT I WENT, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO PICK IT BACK UP. 446 00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,754 I WENT IN, BOUGHT THE HORN, I STARTED PLAYING AGAIN. 447 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:26,326 IT WAS LIKE THIS REVITALIZATION OF ALL OF THAT JUICE THAT I HAD 448 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:26,659 BEFORE. 449 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,160 >> Jimmy: WHAT SONG DID YOU PLAY, DO YOU REMEMBER? 450 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,129 BECAUSE I WAS IN THE JAZZ BAND IN HIGH SCHOOL ALSO. 451 00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:34,500 I PLAYED THE CONTRA BASE CLARINET, I WAS SUPER COOL. 452 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,469 VERY, VERY COOL. 453 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:36,802 [ LAUGHTER ] 454 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:37,303 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 455 00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:39,638 WOW, I'M GLAD THAT'S HANDY. WHY IS THAT HANDY? 456 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:42,642 WHY IS THAT SO HANDY? 457 00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:42,975 [ LAUGHTER ] 458 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,343 >> HEY, MAN. 459 00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:47,480 >> Jimmy: THAT WAS JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, THAT WAS NOT HIGH SCHOOL. 460 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:48,280 I REALLY BLOSSOMED IN HIGH SCHOOL. 461 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,348 [ LAUGHTER ] 462 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,916 >> I COULD TELL BY THE SHIRT THAT YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY. 463 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,386 [ LAUGHTER ] 464 00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:57,056 >> Jimmy: DO YOU STILL REMEMBER ANY OF THOSE TUNES? 465 00:20:57,056 --> 00:21:00,326 THE FIRST SONG WE PLAYED IN MY SIXTH GRADE BAND WAS THE THEME 466 00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:03,996 FROM "SHAFT." AND IT WAS GREAT. BECAUSE WE WERE SEPARATING INTO 467 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:07,533 INDIVIDUAL ‐‐ LIKE THERE WAS AN ALL CLARINET CLASS, AN ALL 468 00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:11,070 TRUMPET CLASS, AN ALL DRUMMERS, EVERYTHING. 469 00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:14,607 THEN WE CAME TOGETHE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I THOUGHT, THIS 470 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:17,042 IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NOISE 85 EVER HEARD. 471 00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,277 AND I STILL HAVE THE TAPE, AND IT IS NOT. 472 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,513 [ LAUGHTER ] 473 00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:22,915 IT IS THE WORST MUSIC YOU'VE EVER HEARD. 474 00:21:22,915 --> 00:21:25,718 AND YET SOMEHOW I THOUGHT IT JUST SOUNDED GREAT. 475 00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:30,489 >> I HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE. I MEAN, I REALLY JUST TOOK TO IT 476 00:21:30,489 --> 00:21:33,592 RIGHT AWAY. AND WE ‐‐ I WENT TO THE HARDEST 477 00:21:33,592 --> 00:21:35,694 STUFF. I WAS LIKE, OKAY, I'M PLAYING 478 00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:39,431 ALTO SAX, GIVE ME THE REAL BOOK, I'M GOING TO TRY TO PLAY ALL OF 479 00:21:39,431 --> 00:21:42,368 THESE CHARLIE PARKER SOLOS. AND THAT'S NOT EASY. 480 00:21:42,368 --> 00:21:45,538 >> Jimmy: NO, NO. YEAH, YEAH. 481 00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:49,241 >> I WAS GLAD I STARTED RIGHT AT THE HARDEST STUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT 482 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:50,810 I MEAN? THEN WHEN YOU WERE PLAYING THE 483 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:57,416 THEME FROM "SHAFT" AND "SPAR SPANGLED BANNER" YOU'RE LIKE, 484 00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:58,017 THIS IS EASY. 485 00:21:58,017 --> 00:22:02,822 >> Jimmy: YEAH, DA DA DA, THERE YOU GO. DON CHEADLE IS WITH US. 486 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:08,327 "BLACK MONDAY" PREMIERES MONDAY ON SHOWTIME. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 487 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:12,031 DOCTOR PORTIONS OF "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" BROUGHT TO YOU BY ELSE TO 488 00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:14,626 TEET TOES CHIPS AND DIPS. GET TO THE GOOD STUFF. 489 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,440 >>> DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE IN HERE, INMATE. 490 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,843 SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIX ANY 491 00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:26,378 REGRETS THAT YOU HAVE VERY SOON. 492 00:22:26,378 --> 00:22:31,450 >> WAIT, WHAT? NO, NO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? 493 00:22:31,450 --> 00:22:33,185 >> HUH? 494 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,021 >> I TOLD YOU, I DON'T NEED YOUR ASS TO GET ME OUT OF HERE. 495 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:36,555 >> WAIT ‐‐ 496 00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:38,891 >> NO, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. 497 00:22:38,891 --> 00:22:39,458 >> DON'T ‐‐ 498 00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:42,261 >> I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, I'M SERIOUS. 499 00:22:42,261 --> 00:22:43,329 >> DAWN! 500 00:22:43,329 --> 00:22:43,829 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 501 00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:48,000 >> Jimmy: DON CHEADLE AND REGINA HALL IN "BLACK MONDAY" WHICH 502 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,237 PREMIERES SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME. THE FIRST TWO SEASONS ARE IN THE 503 00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:54,373 '80s. NOW YOU'VE SHIFTED INTO THE EARLY '90s. 504 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:57,243 DOES THAT MEAN DIFFERENT OUTFITS? IS THAT A BETTER ERA FOR YOU 505 00:22:57,243 --> 00:22:57,576 CLOTHING‐WISE? 506 00:22:57,576 --> 00:23:00,246 [ LAUGHTER ] 507 00:23:00,246 --> 00:23:04,450 >> I DON'T THINK ANY OF THE ERAS WITH THIS PARTICULAR CAST ARE 508 00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:07,653 BETTER FOR CLOTHES. WHAT I MEAN IS, THE COSTUMES ARE 509 00:23:07,653 --> 00:23:09,154 GREAT. BECAUSE WE'RE DOING A LOT OF ‐‐ 510 00:23:09,154 --> 00:23:11,257 WE'RE GOING OVER THE TOP ON A LOT OF STUFF. 511 00:23:11,257 --> 00:23:13,592 AND ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE VERY EXPRESSIVE. 512 00:23:13,592 --> 00:23:16,161 SO YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A LOT OF COLORS. 513 00:23:16,161 --> 00:23:20,232 AND OUR COSTUMER IS AMAZING. AND SHE'S DONE GREAT EVERY YEAR. 514 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:23,168 AND GETTING TO KIND OF CREEP TOWARD THE '90s. 515 00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:26,005 AND I WAS TALKING TO SOMEBODY AND THEY WENT, THE '90s IS 516 00:23:26,005 --> 00:23:28,140 PRETTY REGULAR. AND I SAID, LOOK BACK. 517 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:28,474 [ LAUGHTER ] 518 00:23:28,474 --> 00:23:29,876 >> Jimmy: YEAH, NO, IT ISN'T. 519 00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:30,209 >> NOT. 520 00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:32,745 >> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY. YOU THINK THE '90s WAS JUST 521 00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:36,515 RECENTLY. AND OH, IT WASN'T. EVEN THE ZEROS ARE DIFFERENT. 522 00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:39,285 >> YES. YEAH. I THINK EVERY ERA, WHICH IS 523 00:23:39,285 --> 00:23:42,321 CRAZY WHEN YOU LOOK BACK. WE'RE GOING TO BE LOOKING BACK 524 00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:44,890 NOW AND GO, WHY DID YOU HAVE THAT ON? 525 00:23:44,890 --> 00:23:45,324 [ LAUGHTER ] 526 00:23:45,324 --> 00:23:49,061 >> Jimmy: YEAH, IT IS FUNNY. OLD VIDEOS OF JOHNNY CARSON, 527 00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:52,164 LOOK AT THAT CRAZY TIE! I GUESS THIS WILL BE A CRAZY TIE 528 00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:53,198 AT SOME POINT. 529 00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:55,334 >> IT WILL BE A CRAZY TIE AT SOME POINT. 530 00:23:55,334 --> 00:23:57,269 >> Jimmy: YOUR CHARACTER DID A LOT OF COCAINE THE FIRST COUPLE 531 00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,706 OF SEASONS. I'M CURIOUS. WHAT DO THEY USE? 532 00:24:00,706 --> 00:24:02,843 LIKE AS A PROP FOR COCAINE? 533 00:24:02,843 --> 00:24:03,208 >> A PROP? 534 00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:04,810 [ LAUGHTER ] 535 00:24:04,810 --> 00:24:11,350 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 536 00:24:11,350 --> 00:24:13,652 VITAMIN B? I DON'T KNOW. 537 00:24:13,652 --> 00:24:16,622 [ LAUGHTER ] 538 00:24:16,622 --> 00:24:19,258 >> Jimmy: BECAUSE I WONDER, DOES IT ACTUALLY GO UP YOUR NOSE WHEN 539 00:24:19,258 --> 00:24:22,594 YOU SEE THEM DOING IT? OR IS IT JUST PRETEND? 540 00:24:22,594 --> 00:24:26,031 >> LET ME TELL YOU, THE COCAINE DAYS ARE NOT FUN DAYS. 541 00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:33,472 BECAUSE IT IS LIKE SORBITOL OR VITAMIN B, WE'RE REALLY SNORTING 542 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:34,840 STUFF AND IT AIN'T FUN. 543 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:35,941 >> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT A SWEETENER? 544 00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:40,479 >> YES, YES. SO YOU HAVE THE AFTERTASTE ‐‐ 545 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,180 NOT WHAT YOU WANT. 546 00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:45,317 >> Jimmy: INTERESTING. THAT'S CALLED SPLENDA‐HEAD, I 547 00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:45,651 THINK. 548 00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:46,051 [ LAUGHTER ] 549 00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:47,920 IT'S A SCIENTIFIC TERM FOR IT. 550 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,888 >> I READ THAT, I'VE READ THAT. 551 00:24:49,888 --> 00:24:55,596 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE ALSO IN THIS SPACE JAM, THE NEW "SPACE JAM" 552 00:24:55,596 --> 00:24:55,961 MOVIE. 553 00:24:55,961 --> 00:24:56,628 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 554 00:24:56,628 --> 00:25:01,734 BASED ON WHAT I CAN TELL, YOU AR VILLAIN TO LeBRON JAMES' HERO? 555 00:25:01,734 --> 00:25:04,370 >> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO THROW AROUND WORDS LIKE VILLAIN. 556 00:25:04,370 --> 00:25:07,873 [ LAUGHTER ] 557 00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:11,143 WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE PEOPLE ON SCREEN, GOING THROUGH AN 558 00:25:11,143 --> 00:25:11,844 EXPERIENCE TOGETHER? 559 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:12,177 [ LAUGHTER ] 560 00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:14,613 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT, I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. 561 00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:17,216 ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH LeBRON TONIGHT? 562 00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:20,552 HAVE YOU FORMED A BOND NOW WITH LeBRON THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE 563 00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:22,888 BEFORE, THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE WATCHNG YOUR FRIEND PLAY? 564 00:25:22,888 --> 00:25:27,026 >> I MEAN ‐‐ YEAH. IT'S GREAT. 565 00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:29,728 WE, YOU KNOW ‐‐ THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT WE KIND OF ALL 566 00:25:29,728 --> 00:25:33,499 GOT SLAMMED TOGETHER IN. IT WAS A VERY CLOSE SITUATION. 567 00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:37,836 WE SHOT SOME DURING COVID, WHICH WILL CHANGE, YOU KNOW, THE 568 00:25:37,836 --> 00:25:42,141 AND YEAH, WE GREW CLOSE OVER THE FILMING. 569 00:25:42,141 --> 00:25:45,511 AND WE ARE ALWAYS TEXTING BACK AND FORTH. 570 00:25:45,511 --> 00:25:48,447 I'M ALWAYS BIG‐UPPING HIM WHEN HE'S GOT GAMES. 571 00:25:48,447 --> 00:25:51,550 HE'S ALWAYS HITTING ME BACK WHEN HE SEES SOMETHING COME OUT. 572 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,219 IT'S BEEN COOL TO GROW THAT FRIENDSHIP AND FUN TO KEEP IT 573 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:56,255 GOING. I HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT SO I 574 00:25:56,255 --> 00:25:58,023 WON'T SEE THE GAME, BUT I WILL TAPE IT. 575 00:25:58,023 --> 00:26:01,627 >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT, HOW ABOUT THAT. 576 00:26:01,627 --> 00:26:03,729 THE ULTIMATE LIT PUS TEST AS FAR AS FRIENDSHIP WITH LeBRON, HAVE 577 00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:04,863 YOU BEEN INVITED OVER FOR TACO TUESDAY? 578 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:10,469 [ LAUGHTER ] 579 00:26:10,469 --> 00:26:14,807 I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT IT UP. 580 00:26:14,807 --> 00:26:16,375 >> TO THINK THIS WAS GOING SO WELL. 581 00:26:16,375 --> 00:26:20,946 >> Jimmy: I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SURE OVER THE OFFSEASON ‐‐ 582 00:26:20,946 --> 00:26:24,149 PROBABLY COVID IS THE REASON YOU DIDN'T GET INVITED. 583 00:26:24,149 --> 00:26:24,550 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 584 00:26:24,550 --> 00:26:28,153 >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO. DON CHEADLE, "BLACK MONDAY" 585 00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:30,522 PREMIERES, SEASON 3, SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME. THANKS, DON. 586 00:26:30,522 --> 00:26:31,760 WE'LL BE BACK WITH PATTI HARRISON! 587 00:26:39,512 --> 00:26:41,567 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS COLONEL 588 00:26:41,567 --> 00:26:46,805 KERNEL, AN ARTIST WHO MAKES CELEBRITY PORTRAITS OUT OF CORN. 589 00:26:46,805 --> 00:26:50,042 WHY, COLONEL? WHY CORN? 590 00:26:50,042 --> 00:26:51,310 >> AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE ARRAY OF PRODUCTS BEFORE YOU, CORN IS 591 00:26:51,310 --> 00:26:52,511 AN EXTREMELY VERSATILE CROP, WHICH EXPLAINS ITS IMMENSE 592 00:26:52,511 --> 00:26:59,051 POPULARITY. DID YOU KNOW? THE UNITED STATES ALONE PRODUCES 593 00:26:59,051 --> 00:27:03,388 ABOUT 15 BILLION BUSHELS OF CORN A YEAR. 594 00:27:03,388 --> 00:27:04,022 >> Jimmy: HM. 595 00:27:04,022 --> 00:27:06,225 >> YEAH WE HAVE SO MANY ‐‐ 596 00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:10,896 >> HELP ME, GUILLERMO. THIS GUY IS PUTTING ME TO SLEEP. 597 00:27:10,896 --> 00:27:13,165 >> Guillermo: HE DOES TALK ABOUT CORN A LOT. 598 00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:16,668 >> Jimmy: YEAH, HE REALLY LOVES CORN. 599 00:27:16,668 --> 00:27:19,638 >> CANDY CORN, WHICH IS INTERESTING ‐‐ 600 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,241 >> Jimmy: PLEASE, GUILLERMO, DO SOMETHING, I CAN'T TAKE IT. 601 00:27:22,241 --> 00:27:25,844 >> Guillermo: LET'S KEEP EATING TOSTITOS. 602 00:27:25,844 --> 00:27:28,046 >> PEOPLE ALWAYS LOVE THAT CORN FACT. 603 00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:31,583 TO ME, CORN IS NOT JUST A CROP, IT'S A LIFESTYLE ‐‐ 604 00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:33,785 >> Guillermo: JIMMY, HE'S TOO BORING. 605 00:27:33,785 --> 00:27:36,221 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE RIGHT, HE IS TOO BORING. 606 00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:37,156 >> WHAT'S THAT? 607 00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:38,157 >> Jimmy: HM? WHAT? 608 00:27:38,157 --> 00:27:39,124 >> DID YOU JUST SAY I WAS BORING? 609 00:27:39,124 --> 00:27:43,695 >> Jimmy: NO. 610 00:27:43,695 --> 00:27:49,601 >> YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS I LOVE CORN. 611 00:27:49,601 --> 00:27:53,772 >> Dicky: FOR THE LOVE OF CHIPS AND DIP AND UNSPOKEN BONDS, 612 00:27:53,772 --> 00:27:55,382 ENTER THE TOSTITOS UNSPOKEN BONDS TIKTOK CHALLENGE NOW. 613 00:27:59,011 --> 00:27:59,545 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 614 00:27:59,545 --> 00:28:01,280 ♪ 615 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,449 >> Jimmy: HI, THERE, WE ARE BACK. 616 00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:06,552 MUSIC FROM LAKE STREET DIVE IS ON THE WAY. 617 00:28:06,552 --> 00:28:10,522 OUR NEXT GUEST IS GETTING EXCELLENT REVIEWS FOR HER NEW 618 00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:14,092 MOVIE, THE "L. A. TIMES" CALLED HER REVELATORY, "THE NEW YORK 619 00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:20,532 TIMES" CALLED HER WONDERFUL, "HIGH TIMES" SAID WHOA. 620 00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:21,767 "TOGETHER TOGETHER" IS IN THEATERS AND ON DIGITAL 621 00:28:21,767 --> 00:28:26,305 PLATFORMS NOW. SAY HELLO TO PATTI HARRISON. 622 00:28:26,305 --> 00:28:26,805 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 623 00:28:26,805 --> 00:28:35,247 ♪ 624 00:28:35,247 --> 00:28:36,014 >> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU? 625 00:28:36,014 --> 00:28:36,882 >> I'M GOOD. 626 00:28:36,882 --> 00:28:38,383 >> Jimmy: SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE? 627 00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:45,090 >> YEAH. YEAH. WHEN I WAS IN MY JUNIOR YEAR OF 628 00:28:45,090 --> 00:28:51,630 COLLEGE, I DROVE OUT TO L. A. BECAUSE MY FRIEND JOE GOT AN 629 00:28:51,630 --> 00:28:55,234 INTERNSHIP AT UCB THAT FELL THROUGH, BUT HE DRIVE OUT HERE 630 00:28:55,234 --> 00:28:59,171 AND ENDED UP STAYING WITH JEFF LOVENESS? 631 00:28:59,171 --> 00:29:02,274 CAN I USE FIRST AND LAST NAMES. 632 00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:04,676 >> Jimmy: JEFF WAS A WRITER AT OUR SHOW, YEAH. 633 00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:08,480 >> WITNESS PROTECTION THING HAPPENING FOR HIM. SAD. 634 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:11,316 AND HE ASKED IF WE WANTED TO COME TO THE SHOW, OR ASKED IF 635 00:29:11,316 --> 00:29:15,020 JOE WANTED TO COME TO THE SHOW, AND I WAS LIKE HIS PLUS ONE, 636 00:29:15,020 --> 00:29:19,691 ASKED IF WE WANTED TO DO AUDIENCE OR GREEN ROOM, AND I 637 00:29:19,691 --> 00:29:20,492 WAS LIKE, GREEN ROOM SOUNDS COOLER. 638 00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:21,159 [ LAUGHTER ] 639 00:29:21,159 --> 00:29:23,562 >> Jimmy: WELL, THANKS, YEAH. 640 00:29:23,562 --> 00:29:27,866 >> I WILL SAY THAT I WAS KIND OF PISSED AT THE EXPERIENCE. 641 00:29:27,866 --> 00:29:30,002 >> Jimmy: WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? 642 00:29:30,002 --> 00:29:33,739 >> I WAS EXCITED FOR FREE FOOD. ALL THE FOOD WAS GONE BY THE 643 00:29:33,739 --> 00:29:34,306 TIME WE GOT HERE. 644 00:29:34,306 --> 00:29:34,873 >> Jimmy: THAT'S GUILLERMO. 645 00:29:34,873 --> 00:29:36,275 [ LAUGHTER ] 646 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,744 THAT'S GUILLERMO'S FAULT. 647 00:29:38,744 --> 00:29:43,081 >> Guillermo: SORRY. 648 00:29:43,081 --> 00:29:45,584 >> TRAUMA, THE TRAUMA'S SET IN. 649 00:29:45,584 --> 00:29:46,885 >> Jimmy: NO FOOD? 650 00:29:46,885 --> 00:29:49,822 >> NO FOOD. THEN I DROPPED MY SUNGLASSES IN 651 00:29:49,822 --> 00:29:50,155 THE TOILET. 652 00:29:50,155 --> 00:29:52,391 [ LAUGHTER ] 653 00:29:52,391 --> 00:29:54,793 I REMEMBER THINKING THAT WAS REALLY COOL. 654 00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:57,496 AND I FELT REALLY CONNECTED TO YOU IN THAT MOMENT BECAUSE I WAS 655 00:29:57,496 --> 00:29:58,630 LIKE, WOW. IT'S ALL HAPPENING FOR ME. 656 00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:03,068 [ LAUGHTER ] 657 00:30:03,068 --> 00:30:06,138 HE'S PROBABLY CRAPPED IN THIS TOILET AND MY SUNGLASSES HAVE 658 00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:08,974 TOUCHED HIS CRAP. SO I HOLD THAT CLOSE TO MY HEART. 659 00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:11,777 >> Jimmy: I SENSED THAT FROM AFAR. I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU ON 660 00:30:11,777 --> 00:30:17,049 TWITTER FOR I THINK A FEW YEARS NOW. WELL, YOU WERE VERY FUNNY ON 661 00:30:17,049 --> 00:30:18,417 TWITTER. BUT YOU ARE NOW NOT ON TWITTER 662 00:30:18,417 --> 00:30:20,585 BECAUSE YOU ARE BANNED FROM TWITTER? 663 00:30:20,585 --> 00:30:21,086 >> YES, I'M BANNED! 664 00:30:21,086 --> 00:30:23,288 [ LAUGHTER ] 665 00:30:23,288 --> 00:30:25,490 I AM BANNED FROM TWITTER, YEAH. 666 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:26,758 >> Jimmy: WHY ARE YOU BANNED FROM TWITTER? 667 00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:31,163 WELL, I HAVE THE ‐‐ I ACTUALLY KNOW WHY. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY. 668 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:36,168 >> SO I ‐‐ DO I ‐‐ 669 00:30:36,168 --> 00:30:39,037 >> Jimmy: I'LL DEMONSTRATE WHAT YOU DID. YOU DIDN'T START THIS. 670 00:30:39,037 --> 00:30:39,571 >> I DID NOT. 671 00:30:39,571 --> 00:30:43,742 >> Jimmy: IT STARTED WITH THIS TWEET FROM OREO COOKIE, FEBRUARY 672 00:30:43,742 --> 00:30:47,612 25th, THE HOUSE PASSED THE EQUALITY ACT WHICH BANNED 673 00:30:47,612 --> 00:30:50,248 DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PEOPLE BASED ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND 674 00:30:50,248 --> 00:30:52,484 GENDER IDENTITY. OREO COOKIE TWEETED THIS. 675 00:30:52,484 --> 00:30:57,489 TRANS PEOPLE EXIST. AND THEN SOMEBODY FUNNY 676 00:30:57,489 --> 00:31:04,296 TWEETED @NIL LAWAFERS SAYING, YOUR SILENCE IS SICKENING. 677 00:31:04,296 --> 00:31:04,629 [ LAUGHTER ] 678 00:31:04,629 --> 00:31:08,500 WHICH NILLA WAFERS RESPONDED, TRANS PEOPLE NOT ONLY EXIST BUT 679 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:13,405 ARE VALUED AND LOVED BY NILLA WAFERS. HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN. 680 00:31:13,405 --> 00:31:15,841 WHAT DID YOU DO? 681 00:31:15,841 --> 00:31:19,745 >> SO I CHANGED ‐‐ BECAUSE I HAVE A VERIFIED TWITTER ACCOUNT. 682 00:31:19,745 --> 00:31:23,181 THERE'S BEEN SOME OTHER COMEDIANS WHO HAVE DONE THIS. 683 00:31:23,181 --> 00:31:26,618 YOU KIND OF GET IMMEDIATELY BANNED IF YOU DO IT BECAUSE 684 00:31:26,618 --> 00:31:29,421 YOU'RE IMITATING ANOTHER PERSON. THE CHECK MARK MAKES YOU LOGIC 685 00:31:29,421 --> 00:31:36,294 LOOK LIKE YOU'RE THE VERIFIED ACCOUNT. CHEWBOOKIE'S DONE THIS 686 00:31:36,294 --> 00:31:36,995 MASTERFULLY AND SHE GOT BANNED. 687 00:31:36,995 --> 00:31:37,596 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 688 00:31:37,596 --> 00:31:44,436 >> I MADE MY NAME NILLA WAFERS BY NABISCO. 689 00:31:44,436 --> 00:31:47,139 I DIDN'T SEE THAT PERSON'S TWEET, THAT'S THE TWIST. 690 00:31:47,139 --> 00:31:51,042 I DIDN'T SEE THAT NILLA WAFERS HAD RESPONDED. 691 00:31:51,042 --> 00:31:53,912 >> YOU HADN'T SEEN THAT? YEAH. 692 00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:57,416 >> I WAS LIKE, WHAT'S THE MOST LITERALLY VANILLA COOKIE, THE 693 00:31:57,416 --> 00:32:00,585 MOST CALM, PEACEFUL, NOTHING COOKIE? 694 00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:04,222 I'M SORRY IF YOU'RE HEARING THIS, NILLA WAFER, I LOVE YOU, 695 00:32:04,222 --> 00:32:05,657 YOU'RE NOT NOTHING. BUT THE MOST NOTHING COOKIE. 696 00:32:05,657 --> 00:32:08,026 [ LAUGHTER ] 697 00:32:08,026 --> 00:32:13,899 AND THEN IF THEY JUST WERE REALLY HARSHLY BI‐PHOBIC, 698 00:32:13,899 --> 00:32:16,435 TRANS‐PHOBIC, WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE? 699 00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:21,239 >> Jimmy: YOU TWEETED, HELLO, I AM SIA THE SINGER DOING A SOCIAL 700 00:32:21,239 --> 00:32:25,477 MEDIA TAKEOVER FOR NILLA WAFERS TODAY. 701 00:32:25,477 --> 00:32:26,111 THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS. 702 00:32:26,111 --> 00:32:26,445 [ LAUGHTER ] 703 00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:31,049 AND YOU WENT FARTHER. IF YOU ARE BISEXUAL, WE DO NOT 704 00:32:31,049 --> 00:32:31,917 WANT YOUR BUSINESS. 705 00:32:31,917 --> 00:32:32,250 [ LAUGHTER ] 706 00:32:32,250 --> 00:32:35,687 THEN YOU ISSUED A CORPORATE APOLOGY. 707 00:32:35,687 --> 00:32:38,423 OUR TRANSPHOBIA AND BIPHOBIA TODAY WERE UNACCEPTABLE, WE'RE 708 00:32:38,423 --> 00:32:42,027 DEEPLY SORRY. SIA, THE SINGER, WAS RUNNING OUR 709 00:32:42,027 --> 00:32:44,529 ACCOUNT TODAY AND THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY HER DO NOT MATCH 710 00:32:44,529 --> 00:32:50,268 THE VALUES OF HER BRAND. WE ARE PANSEXUAL. 711 00:32:50,268 --> 00:32:50,636 [ LAUGHTER ] 712 00:32:50,636 --> 00:32:50,969 [ APPLAUSE ] 713 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,371 >> Jimmy: THEY DIDN'T LIKE THIS? WHO COMPLAINED? 714 00:32:53,371 --> 00:32:58,010 >> I THINK BI PEOPLE WHO LOVED NILLA WAFERS COMPLAINED. 715 00:32:58,010 --> 00:32:58,343 [ LAUGHTER ] 716 00:32:58,343 --> 00:33:03,415 I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A CAMERA THAT I CAN LOOK INTO TO 717 00:33:03,415 --> 00:33:08,920 APOLOGIZE TO BISEXUAL PEOPLE? BISEXUAL PEOPLE WHO LOVE NILLA 718 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:12,424 WAFERS, I'M SORRY IF IT WAS SO DECONTEXTUALIZED. 719 00:33:12,424 --> 00:33:17,562 A LOT OF TIMES IF YOU READ A JOKE ON THE INTERNET, IT CAN BE 720 00:33:17,562 --> 00:33:19,164 DECONTEXTUALIZED. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T KNOW A QUEER 721 00:33:19,164 --> 00:33:20,866 PERSON MADE THE JOKE, AND THERE IS SOME AGENCY THERE. 722 00:33:20,866 --> 00:33:23,735 IF YOU SAW THAT WITHOUT THAT CONTEXT, IT PROBABLY WAS REALLY 723 00:33:23,735 --> 00:33:26,438 PAINFUL FOR YOU TO READ THAT YOUR FAVORITE COOKIE HATES YOU. 724 00:33:26,438 --> 00:33:28,006 [ LAUGHTER ] 725 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:30,976 SO I'M SAYING, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT. 726 00:33:30,976 --> 00:33:31,376 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 727 00:33:31,376 --> 00:33:35,747 >> I'M SORRY TO YOU, BISEXUAL PEOPLE, KEEP ROCKING BOTH WAYS. 728 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:37,115 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 729 00:33:37,115 --> 00:33:37,449 [ LAUGHTER ] 730 00:33:37,449 --> 00:33:40,519 MAYBE SIA MIGHT BE OWED AN APOLOGY OF SOME KIND? 731 00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:44,156 >> SIA, YOU WILL NEVER, EVER GET AN APOLOGY FROM ME! 732 00:33:44,156 --> 00:33:44,489 [ LAUGHTER ] 733 00:33:44,489 --> 00:33:48,193 I LOVE SIA. I LOVE SIA, I REALLY DO. 734 00:33:48,193 --> 00:33:51,329 >> Jimmy: YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER ABOUT THIS, HAVE YOU? 735 00:33:51,329 --> 00:33:53,365 >> UM ‐‐ NO ‐‐ NO. 736 00:33:53,365 --> 00:33:53,698 [ LAUGHTER ] 737 00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:54,332 WHO KNOWS? 738 00:33:54,332 --> 00:33:56,134 >> Jimmy: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY BANNED YOU FOR THAT. 739 00:33:56,134 --> 00:33:58,537 IT'S OBVIOUSLY A JOKE. IT'S NOT LIKE TRUMP. 740 00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:00,573 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YEAH, IT'S NOT TRUE, BUT IT'S FUNNY. 741 00:34:00,573 --> 00:34:00,906 >> YEAH. 742 00:34:00,906 --> 00:34:03,041 [ LAUGHTER ] 743 00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,844 WELL. WHAT'S BEEN NICE ABOUT, LIKE, ME 744 00:34:05,844 --> 00:34:08,980 GETTING BANNED AND TRUMP ALSO GETTING BANNED AT THE SAME TIME 745 00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:13,385 IS NOW WE HAVE MORE TIME TO, YOU KNOW, HOOK UP MORE. 746 00:34:13,385 --> 00:34:15,287 WE JUST WEREN'T HOOKING UP AS MUCH. 747 00:34:15,287 --> 00:34:15,620 [ LAUGHTER ] 748 00:34:15,620 --> 00:34:18,757 BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE. 749 00:34:18,757 --> 00:34:19,457 >> Jimmy: YEAH, AT MAR‐A‐LAGO. 750 00:34:19,457 --> 00:34:25,030 >> YEAH, HEY. BABE, BABE? THEN HE'S ON HIS PHONE. 751 00:34:25,030 --> 00:34:29,734 NOW IT'S JUST LIKE, OUR RELATIONSHIP, OUR SEXUAL 752 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:32,771 RELATIONSHIP, BE A MODEL FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO PUT DOWN THEIR 753 00:34:32,771 --> 00:34:36,875 PHONES AND START HAVING SEX AS MUCH AS ME AND DONALD TRUMP DO. 754 00:34:36,875 --> 00:34:38,476 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 755 00:34:38,476 --> 00:34:41,546 >> Jimmy: THIS IS A REAL BOMBSHELL YOU'VE DROPPED ON US. 756 00:34:41,546 --> 00:34:45,551 >> IT'S A CRAZY BOMBSHELL, BUT I'M IN MY TRUTH, IT'S 2021. 757 00:34:45,551 --> 00:34:45,884 [ LAUGHTER ] 758 00:34:45,884 --> 00:34:48,186 >> Jimmy: I SAW YOUR MOVIE, YOU DID A GREAT JOB. 759 00:34:48,186 --> 00:34:49,187 REALLY, REALLY GOOD IN IT. 760 00:34:49,187 --> 00:34:51,990 >> OH, THANK YOU. MY MOVIE, OH, YES. 761 00:34:51,990 --> 00:34:52,858 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 762 00:34:52,858 --> 00:34:53,191 [ LAUGHTER ] 763 00:34:53,191 --> 00:34:55,460 YOU HAVE A MOVIE. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BANNED FROM THE 764 00:34:55,460 --> 00:34:56,394 MOVIE, HAVE YOU? 765 00:34:56,394 --> 00:34:58,897 >> I THINK I HAVE. I WENT TO THE PREMIERE, I JUST 766 00:34:58,897 --> 00:35:01,399 GOT IN A BUNCH OF PHYSICAL ALTERCATIONS. 767 00:35:01,399 --> 00:35:01,733 [ LAUGHTER ] 768 00:35:01,733 --> 00:35:03,101 JUST TO ENHANCE THE EXPERIENCE. 769 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,437 >> Jimmy: DID THEY HAVE A PREMIERE FOR THE MOVIE? 770 00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:07,772 >> NO. WE DIDN'T DO A PREMIERE EVENT. 771 00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,542 I WENT AND I SAW IT WITH MY BOYFRIEND AT LIKE A THEATER IN 772 00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:16,982 PORTLAND. AND IT WAS VERY PLACE. 773 00:35:16,982 --> 00:35:20,051 THERE WERE SIX ‐‐ VERY NICE, SIX PEOPLE THERE, IT WAS SWEET. 774 00:35:20,051 --> 00:35:21,419 >> Jimmy: DID YOU MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN? 775 00:35:21,419 --> 00:35:26,691 >> YEAH. I WALKED IN. AND I WAS SCREAMING. 776 00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:30,996 "IT ME, IT ME, IT ME, IT ME!" PEOPLE WOULD TURN AROUND, WHAT 777 00:35:30,996 --> 00:35:32,631 ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AND I'D IMMEDIATELY POKE THEM IN 778 00:35:32,631 --> 00:35:32,964 THE EYES. 779 00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:35,433 [ LAUGHTER ] 780 00:35:35,433 --> 00:35:39,270 WHICH IS LIKE ANTITHETICAL, KIND OF, TO MY CAUSE. 781 00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:41,339 >> Jimmy: YEAH. DID YOU EVER GET YOUR SUNGLASSES 782 00:35:41,339 --> 00:35:43,808 OUT OF THE TOILET? SHOULD WE SEND SOMEBODY IN THERE? 783 00:35:43,808 --> 00:35:47,879 >> I DID, I FETCHED THEM OUT WITH MY RAW HAND. 784 00:35:47,879 --> 00:35:48,213 [ LAUGHTER ] 785 00:35:48,213 --> 00:35:50,181 IT WAS THIS HAND. AND YOU CAN SMELL IT. 786 00:35:50,181 --> 00:35:51,216 WELL, NO, YOU DON'T. 787 00:35:51,216 --> 00:35:52,784 >> Jimmy: AFTER THE SHOW, YEAH. 788 00:35:52,784 --> 00:35:56,054 >> WHEN WE REACH HERD IMMUNITY AS A SOCIETY, THEN YOU CAN. 789 00:35:56,054 --> 00:35:59,290 >> Jimmy: I LOOK FORWARD TO THA. CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL YOUR 790 00:35:59,290 --> 00:36:01,426 SUCCESS. I HOPE YOU GET BACK ON TWITTER. 791 00:36:01,426 --> 00:36:04,596 I FIND IT OUTRAGEOUS. IT WAS THE THING I WAS MADDEST 792 00:36:04,596 --> 00:36:05,263 MOST ABOUT TODAY. 793 00:36:05,263 --> 00:36:05,630 >> THANK YOU. 794 00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:08,099 >> Jimmy: I MEAN, REALLY IT'S KIND OF CRAZY, YOU CAN'T JOKE 795 00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:08,867 AROUND ON TWITTER? 796 00:36:08,867 --> 00:36:12,170 >> I KNOW. I MEAN, PEOPLE EXPECT JOKES TO 797 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:16,107 EXIST ‐‐ I THINK THE THING THAT IS REALLY WRONG ABOUT TWITTER, 798 00:36:16,107 --> 00:36:19,444 PEOPLE OTHER THAN THE RANDOMIZATION OF ALGO RHYTHMS 799 00:36:19,444 --> 00:36:23,248 AND HOW IT TOSSES YOUR CONTENT INTO PEOPLE'S FEEDS WHO DON'T 800 00:36:23,248 --> 00:36:23,782 WANT TO SEE IT. 801 00:36:23,782 --> 00:36:24,349 >> Jimmy: UH‐HUH. 802 00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:27,285 >> AND WHAT THAT INVITES. I THINK IT'S JUST THAT PEOPLE 803 00:36:27,285 --> 00:36:32,057 DEMAND JOKES BE ABLE TO EXIST COMPLETELY OUTSIDE OF CONTEXT. 804 00:36:32,057 --> 00:36:37,028 AND I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT A JOKE IS. BUT, YOU KNOW ‐‐ I'LL BE 805 00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:39,597 APOLOGIZING TO BISEXUAL PEOPLE EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY 806 00:36:39,597 --> 00:36:40,732 LIFE FOR WHAT I DID. 807 00:36:40,732 --> 00:36:41,099 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 808 00:36:41,099 --> 00:36:44,436 >> AND THE COOKIES ‐‐ THE COOKIES TOO. 809 00:36:44,436 --> 00:36:45,970 I WILL BE APOLOGIZING. 810 00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:46,838 >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO. 811 00:36:46,838 --> 00:36:48,406 [ LAUGHTER ] 812 00:36:48,406 --> 00:36:51,476 PATTI HARRISON, EVERYBODY. "TOGETHER TOGETHER." 813 00:36:51,476 --> 00:36:53,311 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 814 00:36:53,311 --> 00:36:54,546 IN THEATERS AND ON DIGITAL PLATFORMS NOW. 815 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:58,483 WE'LL BE BACK WITH LAKE STREET DIVE! 816 00:36:58,483 --> 00:36:59,017 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 817 00:36:59,017 --> 00:37:01,119 ♪ 818 00:37:01,119 --> 00:37:03,254 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 819 00:37:03,254 --> 00:37:07,311 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING. 820 00:37:09,961 --> 00:37:11,963 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 821 00:37:11,963 --> 00:37:14,566 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING. 822 00:37:14,566 --> 00:37:16,534 >> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK DON CHEADLE AND PATTI HARRISON. 823 00:37:16,534 --> 00:37:19,537 APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON. TOMORROW NIGHT, RYAN SEACREST 824 00:37:19,537 --> 00:37:24,709 AND YVONNE ORJI, WITH MUSIC FROM COUNTING CROWS. 825 00:37:24,709 --> 00:37:27,879 "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, BUT BEFORE THAT, THEIR ALBUM IS CALLED 826 00:37:27,879 --> 00:37:29,881 "OBVIOUSLY." WITH THE SONG "SAME OLD NEWS," 827 00:37:29,881 --> 00:37:34,586 FROM BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, LAKE STREET DIVE! 828 00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:41,025 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 829 00:37:41,025 --> 00:37:42,260 ♪ I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU 830 00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:45,530 I JUST WANT TO TRY 831 00:37:45,530 --> 00:37:50,502 I KNOW WE'RE THE SUBJECT 832 00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:56,508 OF A THOUSAND PRYING EYES ♪ 833 00:37:56,508 --> 00:38:00,044 ♪ I WORRY ABOUT THE GOSSIP 834 00:38:00,044 --> 00:38:06,851 DO YOU THINK THAT WE'LL BE FINE THERE AIN'T NO ♪ 835 00:38:06,851 --> 00:38:10,555 ♪ WAY TO STOP IT 836 00:38:10,555 --> 00:38:16,795 SO I WON'T CHANGE MY MIND I WOULD RUN AWAY WITH YOU 837 00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:23,535 ANY DAY IF WE COULD ♪ 838 00:38:23,535 --> 00:38:24,769 ♪ BUT I DON'T THINK 839 00:38:24,769 --> 00:38:31,276 THAT RUNNING ANYWHERE 840 00:38:31,276 --> 00:38:35,013 WOULD DO US ANY GOOD WE JUST KEEP ON MAKING ♪ 841 00:38:35,013 --> 00:38:40,518 ♪ THE SAME OLD NEWS 842 00:38:40,518 --> 00:38:42,520 PEOPLE TALK ABOUT US BUT WHAT WOULD 843 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:46,257 THEY DO WITHOUT US ♪ 844 00:38:46,257 --> 00:38:48,760 ♪ IT'S THE SAME OLD NEWS 845 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,795 I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT IT'S CAUSING 846 00:38:50,795 --> 00:38:54,032 SO MUCH TROUBLE ♪ 847 00:38:54,032 --> 00:38:59,137 ♪ I GUESS IT'S THE SAME OLD 848 00:38:59,137 --> 00:39:03,241 SAME OLD NEWS 849 00:39:03,241 --> 00:39:10,281 I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU 850 00:39:10,281 --> 00:39:13,017 IN SOME OLD‐FASHIONED WAY ♪ 851 00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:16,487 ♪ INSTEAD WE'RE PICKED APART 852 00:39:16,487 --> 00:39:23,494 FOR EVERYTHING WE SAY I WOULD CHANGE 853 00:39:23,494 --> 00:39:25,230 MY NAME FOR YOU ♪ 854 00:39:25,230 --> 00:39:26,497 ♪ TO ANYTHING 855 00:39:26,497 --> 00:39:33,438 FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH BUT I KNOW THAT 856 00:39:33,438 --> 00:39:35,440 THEY'D FIND US ANYWAY ♪ 857 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:36,441 ♪ AT THE CORNERS 858 00:39:36,441 --> 00:39:41,446 OF THE EARTH WE JUST KEEP ON MAKING 859 00:39:41,446 --> 00:39:49,454 THE SAME OLD NEWS ♪ 860 00:39:49,454 --> 00:39:51,289 ♪ I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT 861 00:39:51,289 --> 00:39:52,991 IT'S CAUSING TOO MUCH TROUBLE ♪ 862 00:39:52,991 --> 00:40:00,064 ♪ IT'S THE SAME OLD NEWS PEOPLE 863 00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:02,500 START TO RIDE US BUT WHAT WOULD THEY DO WITHOUT US ♪ 864 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:09,307 ♪ IT'S THE SAME OLD NEWS OH 865 00:40:09,307 --> 00:40:13,711 EVERY TIME WE KISS I JUST STOP TO WHISPER ♪ 866 00:40:13,711 --> 00:40:16,047 ♪ THEY KNOW ALL OUR SECRETS YES 867 00:40:16,047 --> 00:40:17,148 THEY DO ♪ 868 00:40:17,148 --> 00:40:18,950 ♪ AND THEY KNOW WHERE WE BEEN 869 00:40:18,950 --> 00:40:21,052 ♪ THEY'RE INSIDE OUR HEAD AND 870 00:40:21,052 --> 00:40:22,453 UNDERNEATH OUR SKIN YEAH ♪ 871 00:40:22,453 --> 00:40:25,523 ♪ OH HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OH IT'S 872 00:40:25,523 --> 00:40:27,425 SO ABSURD WHOA ♪ 873 00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:31,329 ♪ I THINK IT'S A WASTE BUT IT'S 874 00:40:31,329 --> 00:40:32,864 SUCH A HUMAN URGE ♪ 875 00:40:32,864 --> 00:40:36,701 ♪ KEEP SPREADING THE SAME OLD 876 00:40:36,701 --> 00:40:40,201 SAME OLD SAME OLD SAME OLD ♪