>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"!
TONIGHT ‐‐
CHRIS ROCK.
SAMIRA WILEY.
AND MUSIC FROM MORRAY.
AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HI, EVERYBODY.
HI, THERE.
I'M JIMMY.
I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
THANKS.
I APPRECIATE IT, THANKS.
YOU KNOW ‐‐ I WANT TO MENTION
SOMETHING.
BECAUSE MY DAY, THIS MORNING, I
GOT OFF TO KIND OF A STRANGE
START THIS MORNING.
I WAS ON THE INTERNET.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT BUYING
SOMETHING AND THE WEBSITE I WAS
ON, BEFORE I WATCHED THE
DEMONSTRATION VIDEO, WHICH
DIDN'T WORK, BY THE WAY,
BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO WATCH IT,
IT REQUIRED ME TO HOLD DOWN THE
BUTTON TO "PROVE YOU'RE A
HUMAN," IT SAID.
AND I FELT LIKE SAYING "SCREW
YOU."
I HAVE TO PROVE I'M A HUMAN?
YOU'RE A WEBSITE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
THIS IS HOW IT GOES.
WE'RE ALL WORRIED THE ROBOTS ARE
GOING TO CHAIN US UP.
THE TRUTH IS, WHEN THE
SINGULARITY HAPPENS, THEY'RE NOT
GOING TO ENSLAVE US WITH
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
THEY'RE JUST GOING TO ANNOY THE
HELL OUT OF US.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,
GUILLERMO?
>> Guillermo: YEAH, YEAH, A
LITTLE BIT, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
I GUESS WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS
TO WORRY ABOUT.
ACCORDING TO THE EPA, THE
FORECAST FOR CLIMATE CHANGE IS
IMPENDING DOOM.
WILDFIRES ARE GETTING BIGGER.
HEAT WAVES ARE MORE FREQUENT.
OCEANS ARE WARMER.
FLOODS ARE MORE COMMON.
JEFF BEZOS IS BUILDING A
VACATION HOME ON MARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THESE ARE ALL VERY BAD SIGNS FOR
THE HUMAN RACE.
I LOOKED IN THE SKY THIS MORNING
AND SAW A SEAGULL ON FIRE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE PROBLEM WITH CLIMATE CHANGE,
AND GETTING PEOPLE TO TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY, IS THAT IT'S A
SLOW‐MOVING EMERGENCY.
IT'S LIKE THERE'S A FREIGHT
TRAIN COMING AT US AT, LIKE, ONE
MILE AN HOUR.
AND WE'RE LIKE, "OH, IT'S SO FAR
AWAY, IT'S GOING SO SLOW."
BUT IT'S COMING.
AND I'VE NOT EVER BEEN HIT BY A
TRAIN.
BUT I FEEL LIKE IT WOULD HURT
MORE TO GET RUN OVER BY A SLOW
ONE.
YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE LEARNED MORE TODAY ABOUT THAT
RANSOMWARE ATTACK THAT SHUT DOWN
THE COLONIAL OIL PIPELINE.
WHICH WAS THE REASON FOR THE
RUN ON GASOLINE.
YOU MAY HAVE READ, RUSSIAN
HACKERS DEMANDED $5 MILLION IN
RANSOM MONEY TO RELEASE THE
PIPELINE FROM THEIR CLUTCHES.
APPARENTLY THEY GOT IT.
THE COLONIAL PIPELINE COMPANY
SAID THEY DIDN'T PAY THE RANSOM,
BUT REPORTEDLY THEY DID PAY THE
RANSOM.
APPARENTLY THE HACKERS SENT THEM
AN EMAIL THAT SAID WE TOOK
CONTROL OF YOUR WEBCAM AND HAVE
A VIDEO OF YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR
PIPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF MOVIES
YOU'RE WATCHING.
SO THEY WERE LIKE, HERE'S THE
MONEY!
SO LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL
YOU RUSSIAN CYBER THIEVES.
IF YOU MESS WITH AMERICA, YOU
WILL GET $5 MILLION.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW THAT THE PIPELINE IS BACK UP
AND RUNNING, A GAS CRISIS HAS
BEEN AVERTED, AT LEAST FOR THE
TIME BEING.
BUT WE HAVE A SHORTAGE OF
DIPPING SAUCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOU NEED ANY MORE EVIDENCE
THAT REPUBLICANS CAN'T FIND A
GOOD REASON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
JOE BIDEN, HOW ABOUT THIS?
BECAUSE OF COVID‐RELATED SUPPLY
PROBLEMS, CHICK‐FIL‐A IS RUNNING
LOW ON DIPPING SAUCE.
THEY ARE NOW LIMITING THE NUMBER
OF SAUCE PACKETS TO ONE PER
CUSTOMER.
WHICH LED TEXAS' TOP
CHIK‐FIL‐A‐HOLE TO TWEET,
"JOE BIDEN IS DESTROYING
AMERICA."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S KILLING US ONE ZESTY
BUFFALO AT A TIME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
POOR TED CRUZ.
STILL LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO
DISTRACT US FROM FLEEING TO
CANCUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR A PRESIDENT TO BLAME
FOR A DIPPING SAUCE SHORTAGE ‐‐
THIS IS YOUR GUY!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THE ORANGE ONE.
BIG NEWS OUT OF THE CDC TODAY.
>> TODAY, CDC IS UPDATING OUR
GUIDANCE FOR FULLY VACCINATED
PEOPLE.
ANYONE WHO IS FULLY VACCINATED
CAN PARTICIPATE IN INDOOR AND
OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES, LARGE OR
SMALL, WITHOUT WEARING A MASK OR
PHYSICAL DISTANCING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S VERY ‐‐ THAT'S
GREAT NEWS.
I MEAN, REALLY.
NOW I ONLY HAVE TO WEAR A MASK
FOR TRAVEL, AND SEX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS NO WAY
TO KNOW WHO IS VACCINATED AND
WHO ISN'T.
AND THE MAJORITY OF THE
POPULATION STILL ISN'T.
WHICH MEANS WE'LL BE RELYING ON
PEOPLE WHO AREN'T RESPONSIBLE
ENOUGH TO GET VACCINATED TO BE
RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO WEAR
MASKS.
SOUNDS LIKE A SOLID PLAN.
BUT DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR
DESPERATE MEASURES.
IN OHIO, DEMAND FOR THE VACCINE
IS DOWN.
SO THE GOVERNOR, MIKE DEWINE, IS
PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS.
LAUNCHING SOMETHING CALLED THE
"VAX‐A‐MILLION" LOTTERY GAME.
>> ON MAY 26th, WE'LL ANNOUNCE
THE WINNER OF A SEPARATE DRAWING
FOR ADULTS, ADULTS WHO HAVE
RECEIVED AT LEAST THEIR FIRST
DOSE OF THE VACCINE.
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT WILL OCCUR
EACH WEDNESDAY FOR FIVE WEEKS.
AND THE WINNER EACH WEDNESDAY
WILL RECEIVE $1 MILLION.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S HIM IN A WIG
DOING SIGN LANGUAGE FOR HIMSELF,
BY THE WAY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THE WINNER GETS $1
MILLION EVERY WEEK.
SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT YOU KNOW SOMEBODY'S GOING TO
GET VACCINATED LIKE 40 TIMES TO
TRY TO INCREASE THEIR ODDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
STARTING ON MAY 18 IN OHIO, ALL
VACCINATED 12 TO 17‐YEAR‐OLDS
WILL BE ABLE TO REGISTER FOR A
CHANCE TO WIN FOUR‐YEAR
SCHOLARSHIPS THAT COVER TUITION,
ROOM, BOARD, AND BOOKS AT THE
OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY OF THEIR
CHOICE.
WHICH, I DON'T KNOW, IF I GOT A
SCHOLARSHIP WHEN I WAS 12, IF I
WON A SCHOLARSHIP THAT
GUARANTEED ME FOUR YEARS OF
COLLEGE, I'D NEVER STUDY AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GEOMETRY?
NO, THANKS, I'M GOING TO KENT
STATE ALREADY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING IN A
COUNTRY LIKE INDIA RIGHT NOW
WHERE PEOPLE ALL AROUND YOU ARE
DYING BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE
THE VACCINE?
WE'RE OVER HERE BEGGING AND
BRIBING PEOPLE TO GET IT, LIKE
WE'RE TRYING TO CONVINCE A
4‐YEAR‐OLD TO EAT HIS BROCCOLI
NUGGETS.
IT REALLY IS RIDICULOUS.
MANY OF THOSE WHO DON'T TRUST
THE VACCINE ARE WORRIED ABOUT
FERTILITY ISSUES THANKS TO SOME
NOT‐TOO‐BRIGHT PEOPLE, WHO, FOR
WHATEVER REASON, COME UP WITH
THESE COCKAMAMIE MISINFORMATION
CAMPAIGNS.
ONE OF THE "YOU'LL HAVE A
MISCARRIAGE IF YOU STAND NEXT TO
A VACCINATED PERSON" CROWD
IS A WEBSITE CALLED "NATURAL
NEWS" WHICH HAS BEEN BANNED FROM
FACEBOOK.
AND THEIR SOURCE FOR THIS
"INFORMATION" IS, GET READY,
THIS NORTH FACE HOODIE‐WEARING
CHIROPRACTOR NAMED "DOCTOR"
STEVEN BAKER, WHO IS VERY
CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.
>> I AM NOT WILLING TO WATCH
SOMEBODY WHO MADE A POOR
DECISION AND GOT THE SHOT STAND
NEXT TO A YOUNG FEMALE IN MY
OFFICE AND RISK THE CHANCE OF
HER BECOMING INFERTILE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT HAPPENING ON MY WATCH.
>> Jimmy: HE'S SAYING YOU CAN
GET INFECTED FROM VACCINATED
PEOPLE STANDING NEXT TO YOU.
AND THE CHIROPRACTOR KNOWS THIS
BECAUSE SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING
ON IN HIS OFFICE.
>> ALL I KNOW IS WHEN I ASK THE
FEMALES IN MY OFFICE, THEY ARE
ALL HAVING ‐‐ NOT ALL, 80%, ARE
HAVING WEIRD FEMALE CYCLES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
LET'S PUT HOW INSANELY CREEPY IT
IS THAT YOU'RE GOING AROUND YOUR
OFFICE, ASKING YOUR FEMALE
EMPLOYEES ABOUT THEIR CYCLES
ASIDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S FOCUS ON THE NUMBERS HERE.
80%?
WE DID A SEARCH, A GOOGLE STREET
VIEW FOR HIS OFFICE.
THIS IS HIS OFFICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE IN A STRIP MALL IN IDAHO
NEXT TO AN ALLSTATE INSURANCE.
HOW MANY WOMEN COULD HE POSSIBLY
HAVE WORKING IN THAT OFFICE?
FIVE?
I'D BET IT'S FIVE.
SOUNDS LIKE SCIENCE TO ME!
>> WHEN YOU GET THE JAB, YOU
CREATE A SITUATION WHERE YOUR
BODY IS LITERALLY A SPIKE
PROTEIN FACTORY.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE SIZE OF A
CELL.
YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
IF I WERE TO PILE UP MILLIONS OF
THEM, THEY'D BE LIKE THIS BIG.
VIRUSS ARE SMALLER THAN CELLS.
SPIKE PROTEINS, I DON'T KNOW.
ARE THEY SMALLER?
NOBODY KNOWS.
>> Jimmy: NOBODY KNOWS!
I BET SOMEBODY KNOWS.
IN FACT, ON THE LINE WE HAVE DR.
MELISSA MCGUINNESS, WHO IS OF
THE MOLECULAR AND BIOMEDICAL
SCIENCES DEPARTMENT AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MAINE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DR. MCGUINNESS, THANK YOU FOR
JOINING US.
CAN YOU ANSWER THIS QUESTION?
DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG SPIKE
PROTEINS ARE?
>> YES, APPROXIMATELY BRING
NANOMETERS IN SIZE.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, YOU DO KNOW HOW
BIG THEY ARE?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> WE KNOW A GREAT DEAL ABOUT
SPIKE PROTEINS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: GREAT.
THANKS, DR. MCGUINNESS, BYE,
APPRECIATE IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WELL.
SOMEBODY KNOWS.
WHAT WE DON'T KNOW IS IF THIS
"DOCTOR" BAKER WHO SO MANY
PEOPLE ARE LISTENING TO IS
REALLY A DOCTOR.
FORTUNATELY, HE HAS A SECTION OF
HIS WEBSITE TITLED "AM I A REAL
DOCTOR?"
ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET YOUR CAR
FIXED AND THEY HAVE A SIGN THAT
SAYS, "AM I A REAL MECHANIC?"
HE EXPLAINS HE'S QUALIFIED TO
SPEAK ABOUT THE VACCINES BECAUSE
HE'S STUDIED THEM OVER 100 HOURS
POST GRADUATE.
100 HOURS.
ASSUMING HE STUDIED 8:00 TO 5:00
ON WEEKDAYS, THAT'S TWO WEEKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S ENOUGH, RIGHT?
I THINK ERIC CLAPTON LEARNED TO
PLAY GUITAR IN TWO WEEKS, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
"DOCTOR" BAKER HAS A BACHELOR'S
DEGREE IN EXERCISE SCIENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S BASICALLY A GYM TEACHER.
YOU'VE DECIDED NOT TO GET THE
VACCINE BECAUSE THE ONLY TEACHER
AT THE SCHOOL WHO WEARS A
WHISTLE TOLD YOU NOT TO.
VERY WELL DONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AS OF TODAY, CHILDREN AGES 12 TO
15 ARE ELIGIBLE TO GET THE
PFIZER VACCINE.
WHICH OBVIOUSLY MAY CAUSE SOME
ANXIETY BECAUSE A LOT OF KIDS
ARE SCARED TO GET SHOTS.
SO AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, WE CAME
UP WITH ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
CAN USE THE WORD CREATED.
WE DID CREATE A NEW MASCOT WHO I
THINK IS GOING TO PUT YOUR KIDS
AT EASE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE SAY
HELLO TO MAXINE THE VACCINE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH THERE ‐‐ I WAS ‐‐ HONESTLY, I
WAS EXPECTING A WOMAN.
WHERE'S MAXINE?
>> MAXINE DIED.
>> Jimmy: SHE DIED?
>> YEAH, SHE GOT COVID AND DIED.
>> Jimmy: OH MY GOD, THAT'S
TERRIBLE.
WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M SCOTT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SCOTT?
SCOTT THE SHOT?
>> NO.
JUST SCOTT.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, SCOTT, A LOT OF YOUNG
PEOPLE OUT THERE MIGHT BE
NERVOUS ABOUT GETTING THEIR
PFIZER SHOTS.
WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT
THEM AT EASE AND TELL THEM ABOUT
IT?
>> I COULD TELL THEM ABOUT IT.
OR I COULD SING THEM ABOUT IT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YES.
DO THAT, THEN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SCOTT!
♪
♪ YOU KNOW TO
KEEP YOUR DISTANCE ♪
♪ SCRUB YOUR HANDS UP
NICE AND CLEAN ♪
♪ BUT I'M HERE TO TEACH YA
SOMETHING ABOUT COVID VACCINES ♪
♪ THEY USE MRNA WHICH IS A‐OK
♪ BUT I READ ON FACEBOOK
THAT STUFF WILL
TURN YOU GAY ♪
♪ THAT BLOG POST WAS RIGHT
THE DOCTORS ARE NUTS ♪
♪ BILL GATES PUT A
MICROCHIP
UP YOUR PARENTS' BUTTS ♪
>> Jimmy: HOLD ON A SECOND, HOLD
ON A SECOND, HOLD ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
SCOTT, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT STUFF,
THAT'S DISINFORMATION.
>> IT'S MY OPINION.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT MY
OPINION IS.
>> Jimmy: BILL GATES
MICROCHIPPING YOUR PARENTS'
BUTTS IS NOT AN OPINION.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S A FACT!
WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, KIMMEL?
SHOW US WHAT'S UP YOUR BUTT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW
YOU, THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE.
THESE ARE LIES YOU'RE SPREADING.
DANGEROUS LIES YOU'RE SPREADING.
THE VACCINES ARE VERY SAFE AND
YOU'RE SCARING KIDS NOW.
>> CAN I DO THE RAP PART OF MY
SONG?
>> Jimmy: NO.
I WOULD PREFER THAT YOU DIDN'T
BUT THANK YOU ‐‐
♪
>> Jimmy: NO ‐‐ I ‐‐ OKAY.
>> WHEN I SAY "DARK LORD," YOU
SAY "FAUCI!"
DARK LORD!
>> FAUCI!
>> DARK LORD!
>> FAUCI!
>> DARK LORD!
>> FAUCI!
>> DARK LORD!
>> FAUCI!
>> YOU LIKE VACCINES?
HERE'S YOUR VACCINE, JIMMY!
>> Jimmy: NO, THANK YOU.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> OPEN YOUR EYES, KIDS!
THE LETTER OF THE DAY IS Q!
Q!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: SO GET YOUR SHOTS,
KIDS, THAT'S THE MORAL TO THE
STORY.
AND ONE MORE THING.
IT IS THURSDAY NIGHT AND TIME TO
BLEEP AND BLUR THE BIG TV
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK WHETHER THEY
NEED IT OR NOT.
IT IS "THIS WEEK IN UNNECESSARY
CENSORSHIP."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A
YEAR, PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY BE
ALLOWED TO [ BLEEP ] EACH OTHER,
THOUGH IT SHOULD BE DONE
CAUTIOUSLY.
>> WHEN KAMALA HARRIS AND HER
HUSBAND [ BLEEP ]ED THE OTHER
DAY WHILE WEARING MASKS, THEY
WERE GIVING YOU A PREVIEW OF
YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING.
>> IF I WAS IN THE CLASSROOM, I
HAD A FEW MINUTES, I'D PULL OUT
MY [ BLEEP ].
>> I CAN TELL YOU MYSELF I
[ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ] MONDAY
MORNING.
I'VE ALREADY HAD TO [ BLEEP ],
[ BLEEP ] FIVE TIMES.
>> NO MORE REGULATIONS, NO MORE
TAXES.
EVERYBODY [ BLEEP ] THE BIG
[ BLEEP ] AND LET'S SEE WHAT WE
CAN DO.
>> I [ BLEEP ] MY FIRST
[ BLEEP ] AT EMILIO ESTEVES'S
BIRTHDAY PARTY.
>> HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT
TOO, LONG JOHN SILVER'S,
[ BLEEP ] YEAH.
>> [ BLEEP ]ING IN THE MIRROR.
>> YEAH, THAT'S IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SAMIRA WILEY IS HERE.
WE HAVE MUSIC FROM MORRAY.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHRIS ROCK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: TONIGHT, FROM "THE
HANDMAID'S TALE" ON HULU.
SAMIRA WILEY IS HERE.
THEN LATER, MAKING HIS NETWORK
TELEVISION DEBUT.
HE'S APPLE MUSIC'S UP NEXT
ARTIST.
HIS ALBUM IS CALLED "STREET
SERMONS."
MUSIC FROM MORRAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NEXT WEEK, WE'VE GOT NEW SHOWS
WITH SHAQUILLE O'NEAL,
DON CHEADLE, PATTON OSWALT,
RYAN SEACREST, GABRIELLE UNION
AND DWYANE WADE, WITH MUSIC FROM
CHASE RICE, ROYAL BLOOD,
LAKE STREET DIVE, AND
COUNTING CROWS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL OF THAT.
IT'S LIKE TWO WEEKS OF SHOWS.
OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A
BRILLIANTLY TALENTED MAN.
HE WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH VERY HARD
AND SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF YOU
TOO.
HIS NEW MOVIE "SPIRAL: FROM THE
BOOK OF SAW" OPENS IN THEATERS
TOMORROW.
PLEASE WELCOME CHRIS ROCK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY, CHRIS.
>> HEY!
HOW ARE YOU?
.
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M OKAY, JIMMY.
JUST ‐‐ YOU KNOW.
HAPPY TO TAKE THE PAMPER OFF THE
FRONT OF MY FACE.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW, RIGHT?
IT'S GREAT.
REALLY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT.
OF COURSE, WHEN YOU TRAVEL, YOU
STILL HAVE TO KEEP IT ON, BUT IT
SEEMS LIKE FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING
ELSE, IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU
CAN HAVE IT ALL.
>> YEAH, I'M VAXED, TWO SHOTS
ROCK, THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NICE.
>> TWO SHOTS ROCK.
I HAD A PAMPER ON MY FACE
BECAUSE I TALK A LOT OF
[ BLEEP ], JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SO I'VE HEARD, SO I'VE
HEARD.
I'M CURIOUS.
WEARING A MASK, DID YOU ‐‐ WAS
THERE ANYTHING YOU LIKED ABOUT
IT?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?
IT WAS ‐‐ I GOT TO BE NOT FAMOUS
FOR A WHOLE YEAR.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
RIGHT?
YES.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AND HOW DID YOU ‐‐
>> IT SUCKED!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT SUCKED.
>> WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYBODY
NOT BE FAMOUS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: CAN I TELL YOU
SOMETHING?
>> I HAD TO WAIT ON LINE FOR
THINGS.
YOU SHOULD SEE THE UGLY WOMEN I
WAS DATING WHILE I WAS NOT
FAMOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU REALLY WENT FOR
IT.
DID YOU SEE SANDLER GET KICKED
OUT OF THAT IHOP?
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT THOSE MASKS DO, THEY
DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS.
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS ROB
SCHNEIDER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, I WAS
WEARING THE MASK AND I THOUGHT,
THIS IS KIND OF GREAT, I CAN GO
IN THE DRUGSTORE, I CAN BUY
EMBARRASSING MEDICATIONS AGAIN.
>> YES!
>> Jimmy: I DON'T HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT IT.
THEN I NOTICED PEOPLE ARE LIKE
KIND OF UNFRIENDLY.
AND I THOUGHT, OH, WELL.
IT'S BECAUSE OF COVID.
THEN IT WENT ON AND ON AND ON.
OH, PEOPLE ARE NOT THAT NICE.
I WAS LIKE, OH ‐‐ PEOPLE ARE
ONLY NICE BECAUSE THEY RECOGNIZE
ME FROM TV.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES, YES.
BUT WITH THE MASK, I GO INTO THE
DRUGSTORE, I'M LIKE, MY BALLS
ITCH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IS THAT YOUR NEW
APARTMENT?
LOOKS LIKE WORK IS BEING DONE
THERE.
>> YES, MY NEW SPOT.
MY NEW SPOT.
>> Jimmy: IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'VE
NEVER LIVED IN THE CITY BEFORE,
IN NEW YORK?
>> I ‐‐ LIKE NOT FULL‐TIME.
I'VE BEEN ‐‐ I'VE HAD LIKE
LITTLE OFFICES AND STUFF LIKE
THAT.
BUT NOW I'M LIKE HERE!
>> Jimmy: I SEE WHY ARE YOU WERE
AT THE COMEDY CELLAR LAST MONTH,
YOU DID A COUPLE OF SPOTS THERE,
RIGHT?
>> I DID SOME SPOTS WHEN THEY
OPENED UP, I DID A COUPLE OF
THINGS WITH DAVE.
I WAS WITH MULANEY LAST NIGHT, I
OPENED FOR HIM LAST NIGHT.
>> Jimmy: HOW DID THAT GO?
>> THAT WENT REALLY GOOD, IT WAS
REALLY GOOD.
>> Jimmy: THAT WOULD BE A LOT OF
FUN.
ARE PEOPLE SHOWING UP, PACKING
IT LIKE THEY ALWAYS DID?
>> PEOPLE ARE SHOWING UP.
EVERY NOW AND THEN SOMEBODY
DIES.
BUT WE KEEP THE SHOW GOING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, I WAS
READING LAST NIGHT A STORY ABOUT
YOU IN "ESQUIRE."
THE WRITER WAS WRITING ABOUT THE
FACT THAT YOU'VE KEPT A JOURNAL
FOR A LONG TIME, SINCE YOU WERE
YOUNG, LIKE 35 PLUS YEARS OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
EVERY DAY YOU WRITE DOWN WHAT
HAPPENED IN THE DAY OR WHATEVER.
>> I WRITE DOWN, IN CASE THE
POLICE EVER TRY TO FRAME ME ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHERE I WAS
AT THE TIME.
>> Jimmy: HOW OFTEN DO YOU
CONSULT IT TO SEE, WHAT WAS I
DOING 15 YEARS AGO ON THIS DAY?
>> I LOOK AT IT FOR JOKES.
I KIND OF LOOK AT IT FOR JOKES.
SOMETIMES IT'S HARD BECAUSE I
CHANGE MY NAME AND A BUNCH OF
NAMES BECAUSE IF SOMEBODY FINDS
IT, I'M BUSTED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CHANGE MY OWN NAME.
NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW I HAD SEX
WITH MRS. GARRETT FROM "FACTS OF
LIFE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOBODY CAN GO THERE.
>> Jimmy: HOW DETAIL DODD YOU
GET?
WILL THIS MAKE THE JOURNAL
TONIGHT?
>> YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE JOURNAL.
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S GREAT, I LOVE TO BE A
PART OF THE JOURNAL.
IT'S MY DREAM TO BE IN YOUR
JOURNAL.
HAS ANYONE EVER VIOLATED YOUR
PRIVACY AND READ THE JOURNAL?
>> OH, PLEASE.
IF YOU'VE BEEN WITH A WOMAN FOR
FIVE YEARS, SHE KNOWS THE CODE
TO YOUR PHONE, AND SHE'S READ
EVERYTHING YOU'VE WRITTEN DOWN.
>> Jimmy: I SEE, I GOTCHA.
ARE YOU LIKE DATING?
ARE YOU ON AN APP OR ANYTHING
LIKE THAT?
MEETING PEOPLE?
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
I'M TRYING.
I'M TRYING, YOU KNOW.
IT'S NEVER THE ONES YOU WANT,
JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
ANNOUNCE A LIST OF THE ONES YOU
WANT, THEN MAYBE THEY'LL WATCH
THIS ON YOUTUBE TOMORROW AND
CALL YOU.
>> IT'S NEVER THE ONES YOU WANT.
YOU KNOW.
I GO OUT.
YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU CONFIDENT?
I KNOW ‐‐ YOU APPEAR TO BE A
VERY CONFIDENT GUY.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO DATING AND
GIVING SOMEBODY YOUR PHONE
NUMBER OR WHATEVER, ARE YOU
CONFIDENT?
>> NO.
I MEAN, NOW, BECAUSE OF ALL THE
"ME TOO" STUFF, I NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE.
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY?
>> EVER.
>> Jimmy: YOU THINK THAT
PROTECTS YOU IN SOME WAY?
[ BLEEP ]. TO ASK FOR THIS
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU GOT TO REQUEST THIS.
>> Jimmy: I THINK YOU SHOULD
WRITE THAT ON THE COVER OF THE
JOURNAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH.
I GOT A TATTOO.
"YOU GOT TO ASK FOR THIS
[ BLEEP ]."
>> Jimmy: YOU MADE THIS HORROR
MOVIE.
APPARENTLY ‐‐ I LEARNED ABOUT
YOU, YOU LOVE HORROR MOVIES,
YES?
>> I DO LOVE HORROR MOVIES.
>> Jimmy: YOU LOVED THE "SAW"
SERIES AND YOU THOUGHT, I'D LIKE
TO MAKE A MOVIE IN THE "SAW"
SERIES.
>> YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
>> Jimmy: YOU WENT TO THE "SAW"
PEOPLE.
THERE ARE "SAW" PEOPLE, I GUESS?
>> YEAH, JOHNNY SAW, THE SAW
FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AND YOU SAID, DID YOU
SAY, I HAVE AN IDEA?
OR, I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING
IN THE SERIES?
>> I SAID, I HAVE AN IDEA, I
LIKE YOUR SERIES, HAVE YOU EVER
CONSIDERED ADDING SOME HUMOR
INTO IT?
SPRINKLING IT IN?
>> Jimmy: HAD THEY EVER
CONSIDERED THAT?
>> NO.
THEY HADN'T CONSIDERED IT.
AND, YOU KNOW ‐‐ I SAW THE
GUY ‐‐ I SAW THE HEADLINES AT A
WEDDING, I KIND OF MENTIONED IT,
THREE WEEKS LATER I HAD THIS
MEETING.
HERE WE ARE.
NOW I'M ON THE JIMMY KIMMEL
SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WOW, YOU REALLY MADE
IT.
>> I MADE IT!
I MADE IT!
>> Jimmy: AND THIS IS ‐‐
>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE DID
THIS YEAR, YOU AND I?
>> Jimmy: WHAT DID WE DO?
GO THROUGH.
>> WE DIDN'T HOST THE OSCARS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT.
WE SURE DIDN'T.
>> WASN'T ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I KNOW, IT WAS REAL
WEIRD, FEELING OF RELIEF TO HAVE
NOT BEEN INVOLVED IN THAT AT
ALL.
>> WHEN YOU'RE HOME ‐‐ I WAS
LIKE A BACK SEAT DRIVER.
I WAS LIKE ‐‐ LIKE MY FATHER
USED TO SAY, "BRAKE, BRAKE!"
I WAS LIKE, "JOKE, JOKE!"
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S WEIRD.
IN A WAY IT'S LIKE THE OPPOSITE
OF YOUR CONVERSATION WITH THE
PEOPLE AT "SAW."
YOU'RE LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER
CONSIDERED ADDING SOME HUMOR
INTO THE "SAW" SERIES?
SOMEONE MUST HAVE GONE TO THE
OSCARS AND SAID, HAVE YOU EVER
CONSIDERED SUBTRACTING ALL THE
HUMOR FROM THE OSCARS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEY DID A GOOD JOB.
IF THAT WAS WHAT THEY WENT FOR.
>> Jimmy: WHEN WE COME BACK,
WE'LL SEE A CLIP FROM THE MOVIE
CHRIS WILL PROBABLY NOW NOT GET
NOMINATED FOR NEXT OSCARS,"
SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW."
BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS ROCK.
>>> YOU OKAY?
HEY!
HELP!
>> Jimmy: DON'T DO IT, CHRIS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT IS "SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK
OF SAW."
CHRIS ROCK.
IT OPENS IN THEATERS TOMORROW.
CHRIS, DO YOU THINK A HUMAN
BEING COULD SAW THROUGH HIS OWN
ARM?
>> I MEAN ‐‐ I WAS ON A DATE
LAST WEEK ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I COULD HAVE SAWED THROUGH
MY OWN HEAD.
THIS GIRL WAS SO DUMB.
OH MY GOD.
OH, GOD.
GO HOME AND HUG YOUR WIFE,
JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SHE'S RIGHT HERE, I
CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW.
>> HUG YOUR WIFE.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU BEEN
HANDCUFFED BEFORE THAT SCENE?
>> I'VE BEEN HANDCUFFED ‐‐ YEAH,
BECAUSE ‐‐ WELL, I'M BLACK,
JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I HAVE BEEN HANDCUFFED.
>> Jimmy: WERE YOU INVOLVED IN
THE ‐‐
>> HAVE YOU EVER HAD CHICKEN,
CHRIS?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS MY NEXT
QUESTION, ACTUALLY.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.
>> I HAVE BEEN HANDCUFFED.
>> Jimmy: WERE YOU AT ALL
INVOLVED IN ‐‐ BECAUSE I'VE GOT
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, I'LL BE
HONEST, I HAVE NOT SEEN THE
MOVIE AND I WILL NOT SEE THE
MOVIE.
I ENJOY YOU, I LOVE YOU, I THINK
YOU WERE GREAT IN "FARGO."
>> OH, YOU WATCH THOSE SCARY
OSCARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I DID WATCH THAT.
I DO HAVE TO SAY IT'S JUST TOO
SCARY FOR ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT
ME.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT MEANS I'M
MATURE OR IMMATURE, BUT I DON'T
WATCH SCARY MOVIES.
YOU LOVE THESE SCARY MOVIES.
I DON'T FEEL THAT SAME WAY.
>> DUDE, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE
IN A THEATER, IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO
LAUGHTER.
WHEN YOU'RE IN A THEATER AND
LIKE THE WHOLE THEATER GETS
SCARED AND THEY JUMP BACK AT THE
SAME TIME?
IT'S KIND OF FLY, MAN.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I CAN UNDERSTAND
THAT, I JUST DON'T ‐‐ IT JUST ‐‐
I WENT TO SEE "THE AMITYVILLE
HORROR" WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.
IT REALLY WAS ONE OF THE WORST
NIGHTS OF MY WHOLE LIFE.
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT HEARING THE
WORDS "GET OUT!"
OF COURSE, IT WAS MY COUSIN
STEVEN IN THE NEXT BED SAYING
GET OUT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
DID YOU GO WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
WOULD YOU GO TO THESE MOVIES?
>> I COULDN'T WAIT TILL "THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR."
I WAS A LITTLE, LITTLE KID I
REMEMBER SEEING "THE OMEN."
THAT WAS THE SCARIEST ONE.
>> Jimmy: OH, GOD, YES.
>> IT WAS A DEVIL KID.
IT WAS LIKE, I KNOW KIDS, MAYBE
HE'S THE DEVIL!
YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NOW ALL KIDS IN OUR
MOVIES ARE THE DEVIL TOO.
>> YES, YES.
>> Jimmy: NEVER TRUST A KID IN A
HORROR MOVIE.
>> THAT'S WHY THAT GUY'S SO MEAN
TO ME IN SCHOOL, HE'S THE DEVIL!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHO WOULD YOU SEE
THESE MOVIES WITH, LIKE "THE
OMEN"?
>> WEIRD THING IS MY FATHER
WOULD TAKE US TO THE MOVIES.
YOU EVER GO TO MOVIES AND YOU'RE
LIKE, WHY DID THIS GROWN PERSON
HAVE THESE KIDS IN AN R‐RATED
MOVIE?
THAT WOULD BE MY FATHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, REALLY.
>> TELL MY MOTHER WE'RE GOING TO
SEE SNOOPY, NEXT THING WE'RE AT
"GODFATHER II."
>> Jimmy: DID HE TAKE YOU TO
DIRTY MOVIES TOO OR JUST THE
VIOLENT AND SCARY MOVIES?
>> NO, NO, THOSE WERE IN THE
HOUSE, JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THE MOVIE OPENS IN
THEATERS TOMORROW.
ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO A THEATER
AND SEE IT?
>> I AM GOING TO GO TO A
THEATER, I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO A
THEATER.
>> Jimmy: THAT WILL BE FUN.
YOU SHOULD PICK THE PERFECT
TENSE MOMENT, MAYBE BRING A
CHAINSAW, CUT THROUGH THE MOVIE
SCREEN, AND JUST LEAP OUT AT THE
AUDIENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING PEOPLE
WOULD NEVER FORGET.
>> I MIGHT DO THAT, I MIGHT DO
THAT.
>> Jimmy: SAM JACKSON'S IN THE
MOVIE WITH YOU.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
INVITED ON SAM AND MAGIC
JOHNSON'S ANNUAL YACHT TRIP TO
ITALY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO.
I'M NOT BLACK ENOUGH, JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT'S
THE REASON WHY?
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN JOCKEYING TO
GET ON THAT TRIP FOR LIKE SEVEN
OR EIGHT YEARS NOW.
>> ME TOO, ME TOO.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE REALLY RICH TO
GET ON THAT BOAT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT IT IS?
I KNOW ANTHONY ANDERSON WENT.
HE'S NOT THAT RICH.
>> THINK ABOUT IT.
SAM'S 70.
HE'S IN THE BEST SHAPE OF ANY
70‐YEAR‐OLD PERSON IN THE WORLD.
>> Jimmy: IT'S CRAZY, 70, RIGHT.
>> MAGIC GOT HIV, AND HE CAN
KICK ALL OUR ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
HE HAS MADE A MOCKERY OF HIV,
YOU AGREE?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> THEY'RE ON SOME OTHER ‐‐ THEY
CAN'T LET YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE
DOING.
>> Jimmy: AH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS!
THEY'VE GOT SECRETS THEY DON'T
WANT TO REVEAL.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS GREAT.
ALL RIGHT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE, BUT
I'M REALLY GOOD AT PRETENDING
THAT I DID.
SO I WILL SAY, THIS IS A GREAT
MOVIE, PEOPLE SHOULD GO SEE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ONE OF CHRIS' BEST, ONE
OF THE BEST THINGS YOU'VE EVER
DONE, CHRIS.
>> IT IS.
IT IS, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: CHRIS, I LOVE HAVING
YOU ON, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
"SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW."
GO SEE IT IN A THEATER, AS GOD
INTENDED US TO DO.
IT OPENS TOMORROW.
CHRIS ROCK, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'LL BE BACK WITH SAMIRA WILEY!
>> Jimmy: MUSIC FROM MORRAY IS
ON THE WAY.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN
EMMY‐WINNING ACTRESS WHO LAST
NIGHT, LEFT FANS OPEN‐MOUTHED IN
THE GREEN GLOW OF THE HULU LOGO
AFTER AN EXPLOSIVE CLIFFHANGER
ON "THE HANDMAID'S TALE."
NEW EPISODES COME OUT EVERY
WEDNESDAY.
PLEASE WELCOME SAMIRA WILEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME.
WELL, THANKS FOR COMING.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WE'VE NOT MET BEFORE, BUT YOU
DID MEET GUILLERMO AT THE EMMYS.
>> Guillermo: HI, GOOD TO SEE
YOU AGAIN.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
AT ALL?
>> I DO REMEMBER THAT.
I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT.
>> Jimmy: THERE WAS TEQUIL
INVOLVED, AS I RECALL?
>> THERE WAS TEQUILA INVOLVED,
YES, THERE WAS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> THAT NIGHT WILL STICK IN MY
HEAD, NOT ONLY BECAUSE I WON ‐‐
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD REASON.
>> THAT'S A VERY GOOD REASON.
ANOTHER CRAZY REASON IS, SO I'M
ON THE WAY TO THE EMMYS.
I'M IN THE CAR, VERY EXCITED.
WAS PRESENTING THAT NIGHT AS
WELL.
AND WE'RE ABOUT HALFWAY THERE.
AND MY WIFE SAYS TO ME, YOU GOT
THE TICKETS, RIGHT?
I SAID, UH, NOPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I WAS LIKE, I'M FINE.
YOU KNOW, I'M PRESENTING.
I'M NOMINATED.
MY PUBLICIST CALLS JUST TO MAKE
SURE EVERYTHING IS FINE.
THEY'RE LIKE, UH‐UH, NO.
>> Jimmy: WHO WAS?
THE EMMYS?
>> YEAH, THE EMMYS WERE LIKE,
NO, YOU CAN'T GET IN WITHOUT THE
TICKETS.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> SO ‐‐ WE HAD TO GO ALL THE
WAY BACK.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> CALL MY STYLIST.
AND HE'S LIKE, WELL, YOU HAVE TO
MAKE THE CARPET, BECAUSE WE NEED
PICTURES OF YOUR OUTFIT.
BECAUSE THEY GIVE YOU THE OUTFIT
JUST SO YOU CAN TAKE THE
PICTURES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, RIGHT.
>> SO WE'RE RACING.
WE GET BACK.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> TO THE CARPET.
I'M LIKE, ALL RIGHT, WE'RE HERE.
CRICKETS, JIMMY.
THERE IS ‐‐ I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE
PICKING UP TRASH ON THE CARPET.
I MISSED EVERYTHING.
AND THERE WERE NO PICTURES.
AND FINALLY WE GET IN THERE.
AND THERE ARE PEOPLE SAVING OUR
SEATS.
AND ONE OF THE WOMEN SAVING OUR
SEATS HAD A DRESS FULL OF
GLITTER.
SO THE SEAT THAT MY WIFE WAS
SUPPOSED TO SIT IN ‐‐ FULL OF
GLITTER.
JUST FULL OF GLITTER.
SO WE DON'T WANT HER TO SIT IN
THE GLITTER.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> AND THEY PUT HER IN THE BACK.
AND I'M WAVING TO HER, LIKE HEY,
HOW YOU DOING?
I CAN SEE YOU, HEY!
WE END UP TRYING TO GET HER A
TOWEL.
THEY COME OUT WITH A WHITE TOWEL
FOR A RED SEAT.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
WOW, WHAT A MESS.
THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS CARRY A
FANNY PACK AND A SHOP VAC.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GOT IT.
>> Jimmy: FANNY PACK FOR THE
TICKETS, SHOP VAC IN CASE
GLITTER GETS ANYWHERE, I SUCK IT
RIGHT UP, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT FOR THE
NEXT AWARDS SHOW.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, YES, YES.
>> Jimmy: THEN YOU WON.
SO IN A WAY MAYBE IT WAS LIKE ‐‐
IT WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE
SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR
SOMETHING EXCITING AT THE END.
>> THAT'S ONE WAY TO THINK ABOUT
IT.
FINALLY, BECAUSE I WON, GOT THE
PICTURES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
THAT'S A BIG THING.
I THINK IT'S A WEIRD THING.
IT'S SUCH A WEIRD THING THAT
MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
YEAH, YOU CAN WEAR THIS DRESS
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
IN IT.
THEN THEY HAVE TO PUT OUR NAME,
THE PERSON WHO MADE THE DRESS.
>> Jimmy: YES, YES.
>> IT'S SO STRANGE.
TO BE IN THE POSITION TO
POSSIBLY NOT DO THAT WAS VERY
TERRIFYING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD THEY DO TO YOU?
MAKE YOU PAY FOR IT?
>> THEY WOULD PROBABLY JUST NOT
LET ME WEAR CLOTHES EVER AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'D HAVE TO GO
NAKED.
>> I WOULDN'T BE INVITED TO ANY
CARPETS, EMMY OR OTHERWISE.
BUT I MADE IT.
>> Jimmy: YOU MADE IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT WAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
I WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS
BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE A
BABY NOW.
XRP
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HOW LONG AGO DID YOU
HAVE THE BABY?
>> 4 1/2 WEEKS AGO.
>> Jimmy: 4 1/2 WEEKS.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT GOING ON IN
YOUR HOUSE.
>> YES.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YOU POSTED ON
INSTAGRAM, MARCH 6th, YOU WROTE,
I HAVE A SECRET.
>> UH‐HUH.
>> Jimmy: WAS THE BABY THE
SECRET?
>> SEE ‐‐ JIMMY, THE BABY WAS
NOT THE SECRET.
>> Jimmy: THE BABY WAS NOT THE
SECRET.
>> THIS IS A WINDOW INTO WHO I
AM AS A PERSON.
I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THE
BABY WHEN I POSTED THE SECRET.
IT WAS ABOUT "THE HANDMAID'S
TALE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE IT WAS COMING OUT SOON.
AND I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT
THE SEASON.
I POSTED IT.
AND THEN MY WIFE SAW IT.
SHE WAS LIKE, I THOUGHT WE
DECIDED THAT WE WEREN'T GOING TO
POST ABOUT THE BABY.
I'M LIKE, WHAT?
SHE'S LIKE, YOU POSTED ABOUT THE
BABY.
NO, I DIDN'T POST ABOUT THE
BABY!
SO I HAD TO GO AND DO DAMAGE
CONTROL.
I'M GOING THROUGH MY EMAILS.
I THINK THEY SENT ME A VIDEO OF
"THE HANDMAID'S TALE," WE'VE GOT
TO POST THAT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY
AFTER.
FOUND IT, POSTED IT.
EVERY SINGLE COMMENT WAS ABOUT,
WE WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
THEN ‐‐ YEAH, YOU DID.
AND THEN YOU DID HAVE A BABY,
BUT IN A WAY, YOU DELIVERED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK AT IT THAT WAY.
IT WASN'T JUST PROMOTIONAL, YOU
REALLY DID HAVE A SECRET.
YOUR BABY ‐‐ DAUGHTER, RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YOU NAMED HER GEORGE?
>> THAT IS HER NAME, YES.
>> Jimmy: GEORGE IS HER NAME.
WHY GEORGE FOR A GIRL?
>> PEOPLE ARE VERY CONFUSED.
SOME PEOPLE.
BY IT.
>> Jimmy: I LIKE WHEN A GIRL
HAS ‐‐ I WAS EXPLAINING TO MY
SON, BILLY, LAST NIGHT THAT
SOMETIMES GIRLS ARE ALSO NAMED
BILLY, USING BILLIE EILISH AS AN
EXAMPLE.
HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS
TALKING ABOUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> REALLY?
WE'VE GOT TO TEACH THE NEW
GENERATION ABOUT THIS.
BECAUSE I REALLY WISH THAT I HAD
SOME REALLY IN‐DEPTH STORY TO
TELL PEOPLE ABOUT GEORGE,
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT'S WHAT
PEOPLE WANT.
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE THE PEOPLE
WHAT THEY WANT.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> I REALLY LIKE THE NAME.
I THINK IT'S REALLY CUTE, YEAH.
I MEAN, I TRIED TO DO SOME
RESEARCH.
IN THE 1800s, IT WAS A GIRL'S
NAME, BUT PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE
ME WHEN I SAY THAT.
YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL NOW ‐‐
THERE ARE GIRLS NAMED GEORGE.
I'VE HEARD OF GIRLS NAMED
GEORGE.
>> NANCY DREW, HER BEST FRIEND'S
NAME WAS GEORGE.
YOU READ THAT?
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> ME NEITHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOMEBODY TOLD ME.
>> Jimmy: NEVER READ IT, I WAS
MORE "THE HARDY BOYS."
>> I JUST DON'T READ BOOKS.
>> Jimmy: THE BIG SURPRISE
ANYWAY TURNED OUT TO BE LAST
NIGHT.
THAT WAS REALLY THE BIG
SURPRISE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THE BIG SECRET,
RATHER.
>> YES, BIG CLIFFHANGER.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T WANT TO RUIN
FOR ANYBODY WHO HASN'T WATCHED
THE SHOW YET, SO I'M NOT GOING
TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IT WAS.
BUT WHAT I DO THINK IS
INTERESTING IS THAT IT'S A
CLIFFHANGER.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE TO WAIT A WEEK
TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK.
THAT ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS
ANYMORE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: WE DON'T HAVE CLIFFS
ANYMORE.
>> I KNOW.
HONESTLY, BECAUSE EVERYONE BINGE
WATCHES, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> I HONESTLY THINK THAT THIS IS
THE BEST SHOW TO NOT BINGE
WATCH.
>> Jimmy: I AGREE WITH YOU.
>> I MEAN, IT'S REALLY MASOCHISM
IF YOU SIT THERE AND BINGE WATCH
"THE HANDMAID'S TALE."
THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO
EXPERIENCE AND GO THROUGH.
I'M LIKE, SIT DOWN, DRAW
YOURSELF A BATH, THINK ABOUT IT.
MAYBE GO TALK TO SOMEBODY FOR A
WEEK.
AND JUST WAIT.
OKAY?
>> Jimmy: DIGEST, DIGEST.
>> WE FORCE THAT ON YOU.
THE WAITING.
YOU KNOW?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WHAT IF WE ATE
ALL OUR MEALS FOR THE WEEK ON
SUNDAY?
>> CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.
>> I'D BE REALLY FULL.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT.
SO WE HAVE A CLIP HERE FOR NEXT
WEEK'S SHOW.
IF YOU'RE A BIG FAN, YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN THE SHOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES
FOR EXACTLY 19 SECOND IS.
THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE, THIS IS A
BIG EXCLUSIVE, EVEN BIGGER THAN
THE BABY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS FROM NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE
OF "THE HANDMAID'S TALE."
>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO FIND
JANINE, SHE'S PROBABLY DEAD.
IF YOU STAY HERE, YOU'RE GOING
TO DIE TOO.
JUNE!
BOAT!
NOW!
>> WAIT NO NO!
>> NO, DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE YOU
AGAIN!
PLEASE.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO COME WITH ME.
YOU'VE GOT TO COME BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: SEE?
WE COULD HAVE HANDLED THAT ALL
IN ONE.
SPACE THAT SORT OF THING OUT.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE LIL ONE.
"THE HANDMAID'S TALE."
NEW EPISODES ON HULU EVERY
WEDNESDAY.
SAMIRA WILEY, EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, SAMIRA.
BE BACK WITH MORRAY!
>>> HIS DEBUT ALBUM IS CALLED
"STREET SERMONS" WITH THE SONGS
"QUICKSAND" AND "CAN'T USE ME."
MORRAY!
♪
♪ HMM YEAH
HMM YEAH
HMM YEAH YEAH ♪
♪ SINCE A JIT STOOD TALL
WITH A KICKSTAND ♪
♪ THINKING OF A PLAN
TO GET QUICK BANDS ♪
♪ FALLING IN DEEP
WITH THE QUICKS ♪
♪ AND FLAG OUT MY
NO QUICK BRAND ♪
♪ I WAS PACKING
ON THE POUNDS
GOT MY WEIGHT UP ♪
♪ HAD BEEF ON THE STREETS
HAD TO STAY UP ♪
♪ BETTY CROCKER SHOWED ME
HOW TO BAKE A CAKE BRAH ♪
♪ DOING THAT PUT EVERYTHING
I LOVE AT STAKE BRAH ♪
♪ SINCE A JIT STOOD TALL
WITH A KICKSTAND ♪
♪ THINKING OF A PLAN
TO GET QUICK BANDS ♪
♪ FALLING IN DEEP
WITH THE QUICKS ♪
♪ AND FLAG OUT MY
NO QUICK BRAND ♪
♪ I WAS PACKING ON THE POUNDS
GOT MY WEIGHT UP ♪
♪ HAD BEEF ON THE STREETS
HAD TO STAY UP ♪
♪ BETTY CROCKER SHOWED ME
HOW TO BAKE A CAKE BRAH ♪
♪ DOING THAT PUT EVERYTHING
I LOVE AT STAKE BRAH ♪
♪ BACK IN THE DAY MAN
A DUDE HAD RIP JEANS ♪
♪ COULDN'T AFFORD A NEW PAIR
I HAD BROKE SEAMS ♪
♪ COULDN'T THINK
ABOUT THE MONEY
I HAD BROKE DREAMS ♪
♪ OUTFIT WAS THE MATCH
OF A ‐‐ FIEND
I WAS TRYNA BE FLY ♪
♪ COULDN'T TAKE OFF CLOTHES
FALLING OFF MY BACK
LOST WEIGHT DOG ♪
♪ NO JACKET IN THE WINTER
HAD THE SHAKES DOG ♪
♪ THEN I SAID SCREW IT
'CAUSE SOMETHING GONE
HAVE TO SHAKE DOG ♪
♪ THEN MY MAN BOBBY
PUT ME ON A QUICK LICK ♪
♪ WASN'T A LOT
BUT ENOUGH FOR A ♪
♪ QUICK FIX INTERCEPTIONS
I WAS STEALING ♪
♪ CAUGHT ME A PICK SIX
IN THE SNOW ♪
♪ WOE, MAN IT WAS BRICK
DUDE NEVER KILLED
AIN'T GONE LIE ♪
♪ I WAS TEMPTED
HE WAS THE TARGET ♪
♪ BUT HE LUCKY THAT
I MISSED IT ♪
♪ I WAS ALWAYS MESSING UP
WAS A MISFIT ♪
♪ MY OPPORTUNITY WAS
KNOCKING AND I MISSED IT ♪
♪ YOUNG WHEN I HOPPED
OFF THE STOOP ♪
♪ TWO DOORS WHAT I FLOOR
IF I HOP IN THE COUPE ♪
♪ TOO SORE FROM A WAR
WHERE I COULDN'T LOSE ♪
♪ GOT SCARS AND BRUISES
MAN I GOT THE PROOF ♪
♪ RESEMBLE YOUNG STEELE
CAUSE I GOT THE JUICE ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU TUPAC
LET OMAR EPPS LOOSE ♪
♪ STEPPING ON NECKS
WITH MY TIMBERLAND BOOTS ♪
♪ I'M PLANTED
I'M STABLE
I'M GROWING IN ROOTS ♪
♪ SINCE A JIT STOOD TALL
WITH A KICKSTAND ♪
♪ THINKING OF A PLAN
TO GET QUICK BANDS ♪
♪ FALLING IN DEEP
WITH THE QUICKS ♪
♪ AND FLAG OUT MY BUTT
NO QUICK BRAND ♪
♪ I WAS PACKING ON THE POUNDS
GOT MY WEIGHT UP ♪
♪ HAD BEEF ON THE STREETS
HAD TO STAY UP ♪
♪ BETTY CROCKER SHOWED ME
HOW TO BAKE A CAKE BRAH ♪
♪ DOING THAT PUT EVERYTHING
I LOVE AT STAKE BRAH ♪
♪ SINCE A JIT STOOD TALL
WITH A KICKSTAND ♪
♪ THINKING OF A PLAN
TO GET QUICK BANDS ♪
♪ FALLING IN DEEP
WITH THE QUICKS ♪
♪ AND FLAG OUT MY
NO QUICK BRAND ♪
♪ I WAS PACKING ON THE POUNDS
GOT MY WEIGHT UP ♪
♪ HAD BEEF ON THE STREETS
HAD TO STAY UP ♪
♪ BETTY CROCKER SHOWED ME
HOW TO BAKE A CAKE BRAH ♪
♪ DOING THAT PUT EVERYTHING
I LOVE AT STAKE BRAH ♪
♪
♪ IT'S CRAZY HOW THE MONEY
MAKES THE LIES
FEEL LIKE THE TRUTH ♪
♪ AND EVERYBODY PHONY
YOU JUST DO NOT
HAVE THE PROOF ♪
♪ I JOT IT ON MY PAD
AND RECORD IT IN A BOOTH ♪
♪ I DON'T NEED A SHRINK
JUST PRESS RECORD
AND LET ME LOOSE ♪
♪ I'M TRYNA SEPARATE
ALL THESE EMOTIONS
THAT I'M GUARDED WITH ♪
♪ I'M GETTING MIXED EMOTIONS
FROM THE PEOPLE
THAT I STARTED WITH ♪
♪ FEELING LIKE
IT'S FAKE LOVE
ONLY FOR THE SPONSORSHIPS ♪
♪ SCRATCH EM OFF
THE DEAN'S LIST ♪
♪ CANCEL ALL
THE SCHOLARSHIPS ♪
♪ I CAN'T LET YOU USE ME
FLATTERY DON'T MOVE ME ♪
♪ SAY ACTION
THEY CAPPING
LIKE ACTING IN MOVIES ♪
♪ FAKE STUFF
I HATE IT
‘CAUSE I GIVE THE TRUE ME ♪
♪ IT'S SAD WHEN
THERE GROWN MEN
WHO ACT LIKE THE GROUPIES ♪
♪ I CAN FEEL
THESE DUDES HATING ♪
♪ TUMMY ACHE
BECAUSE THEY SNAKING ♪
♪ CRAWLING ON THE BELLY
UNDERCUT FOR INFORMATION ♪
♪ MAN THESE DUDES
SUPER DIFFERENT ♪
♪ THEY GON' MAKE ME
COME AND SHAKE EM ♪
♪ KICK EM OFF THE COURT
AND CALL THE SIXTH MAN
TO REPLACE 'EM ♪
♪ I'M A MOTHER
♪ I'M A HONEST TO GOD BULLY
LIKE A KILLER BUT ADJACENT ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I DON'T GOTTA
SHOOT YOU TO SHOW YOU
I AIN'T PLAYING ♪
♪ GOT THE BIG DEVIL HORNS
LOVE THE LORD
BUT CAN BE SATAN ♪
♪ LEAVE A MAN STANKING
THEN FEBREZE THE SITUATION ♪
♪ IT'S CRAZY HOW THE MONEY
MAKES THE LIES
FEEL LIKE THE TRUTH ♪
♪ AND EVERYBODY PHONY
YOU JUST DO NOT
HAVE THE PROOF ♪
♪ I JOT IT ON MY PAD
AND RECORD IT IN BOOTH ♪
♪ I DON'T NEED A SHRINK
JUST PRESS RECORD
AND LET ME LOOSE ♪
♪ I'M TRYNA SEPARATE
ALL THESE EMOTIONS
THAT I'M GUARDED WITH ♪
♪ I'M GETTING MIXED EMOTIONS
FROM THE PEOPLE
THAT I STARTED WITH ♪
♪ FEELING LIKE
IT'S FAKE LOVE
ONLY FOR THE SPONSORSHIPS ♪
♪ SCRATCH EM OFF
THE DEAN'S LIST ♪
♪ CANCEL ALL
THE SCHOLARSHIPS ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT A NIGHT.
THANKS TO CHRIS ROCK, SAMIRA
WILEY, MORRAY.
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
IF YOU'RE BORED TONIGHT, I'LL BE
GETTING IT DONE WITH MY
BREAKDANCE CREW ON THE CORNER OF
SANTA MONICA AND GOWER.
A LITTLE BREAK DANCING, YOU KNOW
HOW IT GOES.
THANKS FOR WATCHING, GOOD NIGHT.