>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE."
TONIGHT, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH.
AND MUSIC FROM MAROON 5. AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
KRM [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HI THERE, THANKS. HI, EVERYBODY.
I'M JIMMY. I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING. I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US,
WHEN I SAY WE APPRECIATE IT. WE ARE COMING TO YOU FROM
LOS ANGELES. WHICH ONCE AGAIN, OUR AIR HAS
BEEN NAMED THE MOST POLLUTED IN THE UNITED STATES.
ACCORDING TO THE AMERICAN LUNG ASSOCIATION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THAT STUDY WAS DONE BEFORE 4/20.
[ LAUGHTER ] IN L.A., WHEN YOUR YOGA
INSTRUCTOR TELLS YOU TO BREATHE IN DEEP, SHE'S ACTUALLY TRYING
TO KILL YOU. IT'S A CRIME.
[ LAUGHTER ] UNFORTUNATELY, ALL THE BENEFITS
OF US NOT DRIVING DURING THE PANDEMIC WERE WIPED OUT BY THE
WILDFIRES CAUSED BY CLIMATE CHANGE.
WHICH WAS CAUSED BY ALL THE DRIVING WE DID EARLIER.
IT'S WHAT YOU CALL A CATCH-2022. IT WAS PRETTY CRAZY TO SEE HOW
CLEAR IT WAS WHEN WE WERE ALL IN LOCKDOWN.
I FOUND OUT WE HAVE MOUNTAINS. WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] DID YOU KNOW THAT, GUILLERMO?
>> Guillermo: YES, JIMMY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
IT'S NOT THE AIR "QUALITY" THAT COUNTS.
IT'S THE AIR "QUANTITY." DID YOU CELEBRATE 4/20 LAST
NIGHT, GUILLERMO? >> Guillermo: OF COURSE, JIMMY,
YES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE STILL CELEBRATING IT.
>> Guillermo: A LITTLE BIT, YES. >> Jimmy: A LITTLE BIT.
BY YOURSELF? >> Guillermo: YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I TELL YOU SOMETHING, WE WERE SHOOTING SOMETHING LAST
NIGHT, SOMETHING DIDN'T WORK OUT.
I WAS LIKE, MAYBE WE'LL HAVE GUILLERMO DO THIS.
THEY'RE LIKE, FORGET ABOUT IT, IT'S 4/20.
>> Guillermo: I WAS AT HOME SET GREATING.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. WE HAVE A VERY ENTERTAINING SHOW
PLANNED TONIGHT. NOT AS ENTERTAINING AS WHAT WENT
ON AT GUILLERMO'S HOUSE. WE HAVE MUSIC FROM MAROON 5.
WITH AN ASSIST FROM MEGAN THEE STALLION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND BACK WITH US FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN FOUR YEARS, FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE WALKER TEXAS
RANGER BUSH. PRESIDENT BUSH IS PROMOTING HIS
NEW BOOK OF PORTRAITS. HE'S A PAINTER NOW.
WHICH -- CAN YOU IMAGINE DONALD TRUMP PAINTING?
HE'D BE LIKE, "PAINTING?" "WHAT AM I, MEXICAN?"
"GET ME A TACO SALAD AND A DIET COKE."
BUT PRESIDENT BUSH PAINTS. AND HE WILL BE WITH US VERY
SOON. HEY, SPEAKING OF HIGH PROFILE
GUESTS, I HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
ONE WEEK FROM TONIGHT -- YOU PROBABLY WANT TO PUT THIS IN
YOUR CALENDAR. "HEY SIRI -- SET REMINDER."
NEXT WEDNESDAY NIGHT, WE WILL BE VISITED, IN-STUDIO, BY THE
MYPILLOW MAN HIMSELF, MIKE LINDELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I KNOW.
ALL OUR DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE. MIKE LINDELL LAUNCHED A NEW
SOCIAL MEDIA MEDIA WEBSITE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO CRAZY FOR
TWITTER WITH A 48-HOUR LIVESTREAM.
HE CALLED IT THE "FRANKATHON." AND THIS WAS THE FRANKATHON
SCENE LAST NIGHT WHEN THEY GOT WORD OF OUR OFFICIAL INVITE TO
APPEAR ON THE SHOW. >> HE PROMISED ME LAST NIGHT, HE
INVITED ME ON HIS SHOW. JIMMY, IF YOU'RE OUT THERE WE
DID TRY AND GET AHOLD OF YOUR PUBLICIST.
DID WE GET AHOLD OF THEM? DID THEY RESPOND?
WHAT DID THEY SAY? >> GOT AN EMAIL, THEY WANT YOU
TO COME ON. >> GOT AN EMAIL, JIMMY HAS
INVITED ME ON! ARE YOU REALLY JUST NOW -- THIS
IS BREAKING NEWS ON "FRANK." WOW.
I'M OPEN TO IT. AND I DID PROMISE THEM ALL
THEY'RE GOING TO GET MYPILLOWS IN THE AUDIENCE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S GOOD.
OUR WHOLE STAFF. THAT'S GOOD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO
SCREAM INTO. THAT WILL BE GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE BAD NEWS IS THAT'S YOUR
CHRISTMAS BONUS. [ MOANS ]
SANTA'S COMING EARLY THIS YEAR. AND HIS NAME IS MIKE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DO HAVE TO SAY, HIS ENTHUSIASM
IS INFECTIOUS. WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHOW FOR A
LOT OF YEARS NOW. I DON'T THINK ANYONE HAS EVER
BEEN MORE EXCITED TO BE A GUEST. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WANT TO THANK JIMMY KIMMEL FOR HAVING ME ON.
I WILL TAKE ALL THE HARD QUESTIONS THAT NIGHT.
I'LL TALK ABOUT, YOU KNOW -- I MEAN, THIS IS -- THIS IS A
BLESSING. I LOOK AT IT AS A BLESSING.
BECAUSE I THINK EVERYONE -- EVERYONE SHOULD BE CONCERNED
HERE. EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTRY.
I DON'T THINK THAT, I KNOW THEY SHOULD BE.
AND SO -- WOW. THIS -- I'M -- I'M EXCITED.
SO -- WELL, BACK TO YOU. BACK TO YOU, JOE.
BUT -- BUT I -- THAT IS -- I'M -- I'M REALLY HAPPY RIGHT
NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HEY, LISTEN, THAT MAKES TWO OF US, MIKE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE ARE BED, BATH, & BEYOND
EXCITED TO HAVE YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WILL SAY THIS, FOR A GUY WHO'S CONVINCED THIS TOWN IS FILLED
WITH CELEBRITY BABY CAN THAT BA --
CANNIBALS SEEMS TO HAVE NO RESERVATIONS ABOUT COMING HERE
WHATSOEVER. HE'S ALREADY ON THE ROAD.
HE'S DRIVING FROM MINNESOTA, WITH A CALIFORNIA KING MATTRESS
STRAPPED TO THE ROOF OF HIS BUICK, AND A TRUNK FULL OF
PILLOWS. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT FRANKATHON REALLY WAS A WONDER TO BEHOLD.
FROM BEGINNING TO END. AT ONE POINT, LINDELL CALLED OUT
A WRITER FROM A WEBSITE CALLED POLITI-ZOOM, OR AT LEAST HE
ATTEMPTED TO CALL HER OUT. HE WAS VERY MAD ABOUT WHAT SHE
WROTE ABOUT HIM. WHICH MADE IT VERY DIFFICULT FOR
HIM TO PRONOUNCE HER NAME. >> THIS ONE IS FROM -- IT'S
URILLAFOG -- HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?
>> URSI WHEN. LAFOG? URSULAFAUGH.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME? URSULA?
@URSULAFAUGH? ALL DAY, URZILLA --
>> URS -- URSULA -- >> URZULA, THIS WILL PUT YOU OUT
OF BUSINESS. >> IT'S URSULA.
I FIGURED OUT HOW YOU SAY IT, IT'S URSULA.
>> NO, THAT'S NOT LINE, URZILA. >> URSULA.
URSULA FAW. >> URSULA FAW.
YOU, YOU ARE THE ONE, THE ENEMY OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> URSULA FAW. >> URSULA FAW, PICK A BETTER DAY
ZOOM. >> URSULA.
>> WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT ALL MY EMPLOYEES, URZILA FAUG WHEN.?
>> MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S NAME IS URSULA.
>> IS IT? I COULDN'T PRONOUNCE IT.
>> EXACTLY. >> Jimmy: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] BY THE WAY, I WATCHED LIKE
22 HOURS OF THIS? I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT
GUY SITTING NEXT TO HIM IS, NO IDEA.
[ LAUGHTER ] URSULA.
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ IS IN SPIN MODE.
GAETZ SPENT AROUND $116,000 ON MAILERS THE DAY AFTER THE
NEW YORK TIMES REPORTED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WAS
INVESTIGATING HIM FOR SEX TRAFFICKING AND OTHER CRIMES.
HE ALSO PAID ALMOST $160,000 FOR FUNDRAISING CONSULTING.
SIX FIGURES ON A COMMERCIAL DISPUTING THE ALLEGATIONS.
AND HE PAID $5,000 TO TRUMP'S PAL, ROGER STONE, FOR "STRATEGIC
CONSULTING." WOW.
IMAGINE HOW MUCH HE WOULD HAVE PAID IF HE WAS GUILTY!
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, REALLY.
I GUESS HE FIGURED, MY CAREER IS SINKING LIKE A STONE, I MIGHT AS
WELL HIRE ONE. ROGER STONE, WHO WE SAW IN THE
URSULA CLIP WITH MIKE LINDELL, LOOK ON, CONFUSED, IS THE
NOTORIOUS WASHINGTON DIRTY TRICKSTER.
IT'S FUNNY HOW THESE GUYS RAIL AGAINST THE "SWAMP," BUT THEN
THE MINUTE THEY GET IN TROUBLE THEY HEAD RIGHT FOR THE CREATURE
FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. [ LAUGHTER ]
YESTERDAY, A JURY IN MINNEAPOLIS DELIVERED THREE GUILTY VERDICTS
AGAINST FORMER POLICE OFFICER DEREK CHAUVIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MANY AMERICANS ON TWITTER, ON
VARIOUS PLATFORMS, HAVE SPOKEN PASSIONATELY, POWERFULLY, ABOUT
THE VERDICTS AND THEIR SIGNIFICANCE YESTERDAY.
BUT NONE SPOKE LESS ELOQUENTLY THAN TUCKER CARLSON OF FOX NEWS.
TUCKER HAD A FORMER NEW YORK CITY PRISON OFFICIAL ON HIS SHOW
AND WHEN THE OFFICER DARED TO USE THE WORD "SAVAGERY" TO
DESCRIBE WHAT DEREK CHAUVIN DID, TUCKER HAD A LITTLE EXPLOSION IN
HIS HEAD. >> NOW, LIKE I SAID, MR. FLOYD
WAS BROUGHT UNDER CONTROL. WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED AT
THAT POINT IS EMS SHOULD HAVE BEEN SUMMONED AND HE SHOULD HAVE
BEEN PLACED IN AN AMBULANCE. A SUPERVISOR SHOULD HAVE BEEN
CALLED TO THE SCENE. >> YEAH.
>> I JUST THINK THAT IT WAS EXCESSIVE --
>> YEAH WELL -- >> AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY --
>> THE GUY WHO DID IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF
HIS LIFE IN PRISON, SO I'M KIND OF MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE REST
OF THE COUNTRY, WHICH THANKS TO POLICE IN ACTION, IN CASE YOU
HAVEN'T NOTICED, IS LIKE BOARDED UP.
>> THAT'S MORE MY CONCERN. >> COME ON, ED GAVIN, THANK YOU.
DONE. >> Jimmy: WHAT THE HELL WAS
THAT? IT'S LIKE THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL
TRAPPED IN HIS HEAD, RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ]
HE LAUGHS LIKE THE VILLAIN IN THE MOVIE WHO REALIZES
JAMES BOND JUST PUT THE BOMB BACK ON HIM AND HE'S ABOUT TO
EXPLODE. LET'S HEAR THAT AGAIN.
>> IN DETAILS YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, IT'S LIKE BOARDED UP.
HA HA HA! THAT'S MORE MY CONCERN.
COME ON, ED GAVIN, THANK YOU. >> Jimmy: THAT'S THE SAME NOISE
WOMEN MAKE WHEN HE TAKES OFF HIS PANTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT HUMAN MAKES SOUND LIKE
THAT? THAT'S THE THING.
MIKE LINDELL, HE'S BA THANES THAT ALL THE TIME, HE'S
CONSISTENT. TUCKER CARLSON LETS LITS LITTLE
BURSTS OF SLIP OUT LIKE THE JOKER OR SOMETHING.
MEANWHILE, THE PENGUIN, CHRIS CHRISTIE --
[ APPLAUSE ] MAY BE THROWING HIS HAT IN THE
RING. CHRIS CHRISTIE SERIOUSLY
CONSIDERING A RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2024.
NOT A RUN SO MUCH AS A SWEATY WALK FOR PRESIDENT IN 2024.
[ LAUGHTER ] I GUESS HE HAS NOTHING TO DO, I
DON'T KNOW WHY -- CHRIS ONGRAY JOY OF THE 2016 CAMPAIGN.
"GAME OF THRONES." CAME IN A PROUD WARRIOR, THEN
TRUMP CAPTURED HIM AND CUT HIS JUNK OFF AND BRAINWASHED HIM,
MADE HIM CRAWL AROUND THE FLOOR OF THE OVAL OFFICE, FEED HIM
FRIED CHICKEN BONES TO GNAW ON, NOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. WHEN GOD CLOSES A BRIDGE, HE
OPENS A WINDOW. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
BESIDES HAWAII, CALIFORNIA, OUR STATE, WE MAY HAVE THE MOST AIR
POLLUTION BUT THE LOWEST RATE OF CORONAVIRUS IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT
NOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FOR THOSE WHO SAY, THEY DID THE SAME THING IN FLORIDA AND
TEXAS -- ANYWAY, THE FOUR LEAST-VACCINATED STATES RANKED
BY AVAILABLE SHOTS COMPARED TO THOSE WHO GOT THEM ARE
MISSISSIPPI, ARKANSAS, GEORGIA, AND ALABAMA.
WHICH, IF YOU TAKE THE FIRST LETTER FROM EACH STATE, YOU
SPELL -- WOW, WHAT A HAPPY COINCIDENCE THAT IS.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND WHILE THE BIG PROBLEM A
MONTH AGO WAS A SHORTAGE OF VACCINATIONS, NOW WE HAVE A
SHORTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO WANT THE VACCINE.
A NUMBER OF STATES NOW HAVE MORE DOSES THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH. SOME ARE RESORTING TO BRIBERY.
IN NEW YORK YESTERDAY, THEY DID SOMETHING CALLED "JOINTS FOR
JABS." ON 4/20 THEY GAVE AWAY FREE
JOINTS IF YOU GOT YOUR SHOT. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WONDER HOW MANY PEOPLE GOT A THIRD SHOT JUST TO GET THE WEED?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] THERE'S A BAR IN NEW ORLEANS
THAT WAS OFFERING "SHOTS FOR SHOTS."
YOU GET ONE, YOU TAKE ONE. ON ALASKA'S KENAI PENINSULA, EMS
PERSONNEL ARE BRINGING THE VACCINE TO ANY HOUSE OR BUSINESS
THAT HAS MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE. UNFORTUNATELY ONLY TWO PEOPLE
LIVE ON THE KENAI PENINSULA. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS MUST BE VERY ANNOYING TO CANADA.
THEY HAVE A SURGE OF CASES, THEY'RE WAY BEHIND ON VACCINES,
AND WE'RE GIVING OUT FREE MOJITOS TO CONVINCE THESE IDIOTS
TO GET IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
EVERYBODY WANTED THESE SHOTS AND NOW WE HAVE TOO MANY.
THE VACCINE EQUIVALENT OF FIDGET SPINNERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW WHO COULD HAVE USED THE
VACCINE? TED NUGENT.
TED NUGENT, A MAN WHO REPEATEDLY CLAIMED THE PANDEMIC WASN'T
REAL, COVID WASN'T REAL, GUESS WHAT HE HAS IN COVID.
IT'S REAL. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE SAYS HE'S BEEN VERY SICK FOR THE PAST TEN DAYS.
SO LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO RELIVE SOME OF HIS GOLDEN COVID
MOMENTS. >> IT'S NOT A REAL PANDEMIC.
THAT'S NOT A REAL VACCINE. I'M SORRY.
HA! COVID 1 THROUGH 18 DIDN'T SHUT
ANYTHING DOWN, BUT WHOA, COVID-19!
COVFEFE. LET ME PUT THIS MASK ON.
BAAH! COUGH, COUGH.
500,000 PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM COVID-19, BULL [ BLEEP ].
COUGH, COUGH! I'M GOING TO STAND SIX FEET AWAY
FROM EVERYBODY. ARE YOU THAT STUPID?
COUGH, COUGH! MASK?
I DON'T WEAR NO MASK. COUGH, COUGH!
HI, I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT, THIS NEEDLE'S GOOD FOR YOU.
[ BLEEP ] YOU. COUGH, COUGH!
I WAS TESTED POSITIVE TODAY. I GOT THE CHINESE [ BLEEP ].
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS,
TED. NO ONE DESERVES IT MORE THAN
YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
LAST WEEK, THE WORLD CLOCKED THE MOST COVID CASES FOR ANY WEEK
EVER. AND ANIMALS ARE TESTING POSITIVE
TOO. SEVEN OTTERS AT THE GEORGIA
AQUARIUM HAVE COVID. WHICH REALLY PUTS A DENT IN ALL
THOSE PSAs ABOUT WASHING YOUR HANDS.
NO ONE WASHES THEIR HANDS MORE THAN AN OTTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] RIGHT?
IT'S ALWAYS NUTS TO REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE A YEAR AGO WITH
THIS. AND WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME TO
LOOK BACK AT WHAT WAS IN THE NEWS A YEAR AGO THIS WEEK, IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY."
>> THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY -- IT'S MID-APRIL 2020.
AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO BELIEVE.
>> FIRST THERE WERE 2.2 MILLION WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO DIE IN THE
UNITED STATES. AND THEN IT WAS 1 MILLION.
THEN IT WAS 500,000. THE MODELS, FOLKS, ARE JUST
PLAIN WRONG. >> YEAH, NO WAY 500,000
AMERICANS WOULD DIE OF COVID -- ESPECIALLY NOT WITH PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S NEW PLAN. >> SUN.
SUNLIGHT, HEAT. SUN, HEAT.
HEAT AND SUN. HEAT AND LIGHT.
VERY POWERFUL LIGHT. >> WHAT A BRIGHT IDEA.
BUT HOW WOULD WE USE THIS VERY POWERFUL LIGHT?
>> SUPPOSING IT BROUGHT THE LIGHT INSIDE THE BODY, THROUGH
THE SKIN OR IN SOME OTHER WAY. SOUNDS INTERESTING.
>> INTERESTING AND GENIUS. >> I SEE THE DISINFECTANT KNOCKS
IT OUT IN A MINUTE. THERE IS A WAY WE CAN DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT? BY INJECTION INSIDE OR ALMOST A
CLEANING? IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO CHECK
THAT. >> SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD USE
A GLASS OF BLEACH RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
THE MEDIA SPREADS WORD OF THE PRESIDENT'S PLAN.
BUT TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT WAS JUST PULLING OUR LEGS.
SARCASTICALLY TO REPORTERS LIKE YOU JUST TO SEE WHAT WOULD
HAPPEN. >> CLASSIC.
HAD ME GOING. EVEN HIS FOX & FRIENDS WERE
CONFUSED. >> IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS
COMING OFF AS SARCASTIC. >> EITHER WAY, IT'S IMPORTANT WE
END THIS MESS SOON OR ELSE. >> IF WE DON'T GET THIS ECONOMY
GOING AGAIN, THAT MAN COULD BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. NOW, THAT IS FAR MORE TERRIFYING
THAN ANY CORONAVIRUS. >> THAT'S A BUNCH OF MALARKEY!
>> THIS HAS BEEN "THIS WEEK IN COVID HISTORY."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM
MAROON 5 WITH MEGAN THEE STALLION.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH.
SO STICK AROUND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE
SHOW. TONIGHT, THEY ARE AN ENORMOUSLY
POPULAR BAND FROM RIGHT HERE IN L.A.
THEY HAVE A NEW SONG "BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES."
FEATURING MEGAN THEY THEY STALLION.
MUSIC FROM MAROON 5 FEATURING MEGAN THEE STALLION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] TOMORROW NIGHT, GAL GADOT AND
ERIC ANDRE WILL JOIN US, WITH MUSIC FROM KALAYO.
PLEASE JOIN US FOR THAT TOO. OUR FIRST GUEST SPENT NINE YEARS
AS CO-OWNER OF THE TEXAS RANGERS BASEBALL TEAM BEFORE DECIDING TO
GO INTO HIS FATHER'S BUSINESS, WHICH IS BEING PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES. HE'S NOW AN ARTIST WITH A NEW
BOOK OF PAINTINGS AND STORIES CALLED "OUT OF MANY, ONE:
PORTRAITS OF AMERICA'S IMMIGRANTS."
PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> JIMMY. >> Jimmy: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANKS FOR JOINING US.
BOY. >> SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT A BUNCH
OF DRUNKS THERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YEP, THAT'S THE LEAST OF IT.
I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO COME OUT TO SEE YOU IN
PERSON AND CELEBRATE 4/20 TOGETHER THE NIGHT BEFORE THE
SHOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
HOW ARE YOU DOING, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
YOU'RE IN YOUR OFFICE RIGHT NOW? >> YEAH, RIGHT HERE IN DALLAS.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON THE SHOW.
I'M SORRY I'M NOT THERE AS WELL. LAST TIME I WAS IN L.A., I HAD A
BLAST. >> Jimmy: I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH
YOU LAST TIME. I THINK WE HAD TOO MUCH FUN, I
HAD SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT I DIDN'T GET TO.
AND ONE OF THEM, WHICH WAS LIKE SOMETHING I REALLY WANTED TO ASK
ABOUT, IS SOMETHING THAT TURNED OUT HILLARY CLINTON WROTE ABOUT
IN HER BOOK. SHE SAID THAT AFTER TRUMP -- YOU
REMEMBER THAT GUY? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: AFTER TRUMP GAVE HIS
SPEECH AT THE INAUGURATION, YOU TURNED AROUND AND SAID TO A
SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING HER, "THAT WAS SOME WEIRD
[ BLEEP ]." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IS THAT AN ACCURATE ACCOUNT OF
WHAT WAS SAID? >> YOU KNOW, I CAN'T REMEMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S A VERY GOOD
ANSWER. CAN YOU REMEMBER -- THIS IS
SOMETHING I WAS THINKING ABOUT TODAY.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE NUCLEAR CODES?
I'M LIKE SURE THEY CHANGED THEM, I HOPE THEY CHANGED THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT DO YOU REMEMBER -- DO YOU
REMEMBER YOURS? >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I
COULDN'T EVEN SAY THE WORD NU-CU-LEER.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: PRESIDENT OBAMA'S BOOK, HE SAID THE NIGHT S.E.A.L.
TEAM 6 KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN, HE CALLED YOU TO LET YOU KNO
FIRST. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT WAS GOING
ON WHEN YOU GOT THAT CALL? >> I DO REMEMBER.
I GOT A CALL FROM LOGAN, WHO IS MY ASSISTANT.
I WAS EATING A SOUFFLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
GUESS WHAT THE NAME OF THE RESTAURANT IS?
RISE. >> Jimmy: RISE?
>> OH, YES. GET IT?
SOUFFLE, RISE? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, RIGHT, SURE, YEAH. >> OKAY.
AND SO I HUSTLED HOME. SHE SAID, THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO
SPEAK TO YOU. I LEFT MY SOUFFLE.
WENT HOME. AND HE GOT ON THE PHONE AND
SAID, "WE GOT BIN LADEN." YOU KNOW, I WAS VERY GRATEFUL HE
CALLED ME. APPRECIATIVE THAT THEY TOOK
TIME. AND I WAS VERY PLEASED FOR OUR
MILITARY AND OUR INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY TO HUNT THE GUY DOWN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: AND YET I FEEL LIKE
OBAMA OWES YOU A SOUFFLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, HE DOES. >> Jimmy: EVERYONE IS I THINK
VERY INTERESTED -- YOU'RE PROBABLY TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH MICHELLE OBAMA.
BUT I KNOW THAT IS A REAL THING AND NOT JUST SOMETHING THAT
SOUNDS LIKE FUN. BUT I WONDER HOW -- LIKE, AS FAR
AS FRIENDS GO, LIKE DO YOU HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER IN YOUR CELL
PHONE? >> NO.
>> Jimmy: YOU DO NOT, OKAY. >> NOR DOES SHE HAVE MINE.
BUT HERE'S THE THING. I GO TO A LOT OF FUNERALS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH? >> AND SO DOES SHE.
>> Jimmy: OKAY? >> AND BECAUSE OF PROTOCOL, I'M
ALWAYS STUCK NEXT TO HER, OR SHE'S ALWAYS STUCK NEXT TO ME.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH? >> AND I GET A LITTLE ANTSY
DURING THE LONG-WINDED EULOGIES. SO I START CRACKING A FEW JOKES.
[ LAUGHTER ] FUNERAL JOKES.
AND SHE SEEMED TO THINK THEY'RE FUNNY.
SO I'M DELIGHTED. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DOES BARACK HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, A SIMILAR
RELATIONSHIP, OR A RELATIONSHIP OF ANY KIND, WITH LAURA?
>> NO. >> Jimmy: HE DOES NOT, OH, ALL
RIGHT. >> HE DOESN'T SIT NEXT TO HER IN
THE FUNERALS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I HEARD A BIG REASON THAT YOU GOT VACCINATED IS BECAUSE YOU
WANTED TO GET BACK TO BASEBALL GAMES.
IS THAT TRUE? >> WELL, I WAS ASKED, YOU KNOW,
WHAT DO I LOOK FORWARD TO AFTER BEING VACCINATED?
I SAID, GOING TO A BASEBALL GAME.
I SHOULD HAVE SAID, SEEING MY GRANDKIDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M A BASEBALL FAN.
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU CAN TAKE THEM.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO A BASEBALL GAME YET?
>> I HAVE, I WENT TO OPENING DAY, RANGERS STADIUM.
>> Jimmy: YOU OWNED THE TEXAS RANGERS.
DID YOU KNOW YOU BOUGHT THE TEXAS RANGERS SOMETHING LIKE 39
YEARS AGO TODAY? >> OH, NO.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WHEN YOU BOUGHT THEM -- I KNOW YOU DIDN'T OWN
THE WHOLE TEAM, YOU OWNED A PIECE OF THE TEAM --
>> A SLIVER, A SLIVER. >> Jimmy: HOW MUCH DID YOU BUY
THE TEAM FOR, DO YOU REMEMBER? >> $89 MILLION.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S WORTH NOW?
>> PROBABLY -- I'D SAY $800 MILLION.
>> Jimmy: NO. ALMOST $2 BILLION.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT
UP. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THANKS. I GOT A FEW STOCK TIPS FOR YOU
TOO, YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HOW HANDS-ON WERE YOU WITH THE TEAM?
WOULD YOU GET DOWN AND TAKE BATTING PRACTICE OR DO ANY OF
THAT KIND OF STUFF? >> NO, I WAS PRETTY MUCH A JOCKS
AND SOCKS GUY, YOU KNOW? AFTER THE GAME, PICKING UP ALL
THE LAUNDRY, SHOWING THEM I WORK FOR THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, WE WENT TO A LOT OF GAMES.
AND I SAT DOWN WITH THE FANS, WHICH WAS FINE UNTIL WE STARTED
LOSING. >> Jimmy: UH-HUH, YEAH.
I WOULD IMAGINE THAT'S NO FUN. YEAH, IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS
ABOUT BEING AN OWNER IS, YOU'RE PROBABLY A WEALTHY GUY WHO NEVER
GETS ANY ABUSE AT ALL, AND THEN SUDDENLY THE TEAM STARTS LOSING,
YOU ARE ABUSED CONSTANTLY. >> YEAH.
BUT I WAS USED TO THE ABUSE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HOW MUCH GOLF WOULD YOU SAY IS AN APPROPRIATE AMOUNT
OF GOLF TO PLAY WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
>> I PLAYED MY FIRST YEAR, THEN WHEN WE HAD TROOPS IN COMBAT, I
DIDN'T PLAY AT ALL. >> Jimmy: BECAUSE OF THE OPTICS?
>> BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT SOME MOTHER SEEING -- WHOSE KID'S IN
COMBAT SEEING THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF OUT THERE PLAYING GOLF, SO
I DIDN'T PLAY ANY. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
WOULD YOU PLAY GOLF AT A TRUMP PROPERTY?
>> PROBABLY NOT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHY NOT? >> BECAUSE I LIKE MY PROPERTIES
HERE IN DALLAS. >> Jimmy: I SEE, ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] ARE YOU AT ALL JEALOUS THAT YOU
DIDN'T THINK UP THE SPACE FORCE? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES. >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE, WE DID TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I'M VERY
INTERESTED IN. AND AS I'VE SAID A NUMBER OF
OCCASIONS, THE FIRST THING I WOULD DO IF I WAS PRESIDENT IS
GO RIGHT TO THE UFO FILES AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOU DID NOT SHED ANY LIGHT ON THAT SITUATION.
BUT NOW THERE'S A VIDEO. I WONDER IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS
VIDEO THAT HAS BEEN VERIFIED BY THE PENTAGON.
IT SEEMS TO BE -- THIS VIDEO IS EITHER A DORITO, OR A UFO, OR
POSSIBLY A SLICE OF PIZZA. NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE.
BUT IT IS AN UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
NOW THAT THIS HAS BEEN VERIFIED BIT PENTAGON WORK, YOU BE
SURPRISED IF WE WERE VISITED BY CREATURES FROM ANOTHER PLANET?
>> YEAH. WOULDN'T YOU BE?
>> Jimmy: WELL, YEAH. >> HELL, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING, AND I THINK IT'S
INTERESTING THAT YOU SAID YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
BECAUSE IF YOU'VE SEEN EVIDENCE -- SO YOU'RE SAYING
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE. PRESIDENT CLINTON TOLD ME IF HE
HAD SEEN EVIDENCE, HE WOULD TELL EVERYONE THAT HE'D SEEN IT.
DO YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY? >> NO.
>> Jimmy: NO, YOU WOULDN'T? [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T THINK WE CAN HANDLE IT?
>> I'M AFRAID. I'M AFRAID.
IT MIGHT SPIN YOU INTO ORBIT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, I GOT NOTHING OUT OF
THAT, ALL RIGHT. WE HAVE MANY THINGS TO TALK
ABOUT. THIS IS PRESIDENT BUSH'S NEW
BOOK OF PAINTINGS AND STORIES, "OUT OF MANY, ONE."
BE RIGHT BACK WITH PRESIDENT BUSH.
>>> WE'LL EUTH ABOUT A DOZEN COLORS OF UNORTHODOX BRUSHES IN
EACH SHOW. I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PUT SOME OF
NATURE'S MASTERPIECES ON THE CANVAS.
I TELL YOU WHAT LET'S GET STARTED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT IS PRESIDENT
BUSH, THE PAINTER. THAT'S HIS BOOK, "OUT OF MANY,
ONE." MR. PRESIDENT, YOU WROTE AN
OP-ED IN "THE WASHINGTON POST" ON FRIDAY IN WHICH YOU CALLED
FOR IMMIGRATION REFORM. YOU SAID SOME THINGS THAT I
DON'T THINK TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR PARTY AGREE WITH.
IS THAT FAIR TO SAY? >> I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE IN MY PARTY AGREE WITH WHAT I WROTE.
I THINK THERE'S SOME LOUD VOICES THAT, YOU KNOW, SEND A DIFFERENT
SIGNAL. BUT I THINK MOST REPUBLICANS
WOULD LIKE TO SEE RATIONAL IMMIGRATION REFORM.
>> Jimmy: IS YOUR ARTWORK EITHER CONSCIOUSLY OR SUBCONSCIOUSLY A
REACTION TO FOUR YEARS OF CALLING IMMIGRANTS MURDERERS AND
RAPISTS AND ALL SORTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS?
>> MY ARTWORK IS AN ATTEMPT TO ELEVATE THE DEBATE ON
IMMIGRATION. I WANT PEOPLE TO TAKE A HARD
LOOK AT WHAT IMMIGRANTS HAVE MEANT TO OUR COUNTRY.
AND NOT FEAR IMMIGRATION, BUT TO WELCOME IT WITHIN THE LAW.
AND, YOU KNOW, I GOT A -- I PUT THAT "WASHINGTON POST" EDITORIAL
SOME RATIONAL POLICY, JIMMY, AND THERE'S PLACES WE ALL CAN AGREE.
LIKE DACA. OR, YOU KNOW, WORK VISAS.
BUT I THINK WE ALL MAINLY AGREE ALSO THAT WE NEED BORDER
ENFORCEMENT. AND REFORMING THE SYSTEM WILL
ACTUALLY MAKE THE BORDER NOT ONLY MORE SECURE, BUT MORE
COMPASSIONATE. >> Jimmy: WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF
WE ALL AGREE. BUT YEAH, I THINK MOST --
CERTAINLY MOST AMERICANS AGREE ON THOSE SUBJECTS.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY FAVORITE PAINTING IN THE BOOK --
>> I'M TALKING ABOUT AMERICANS. OKAY, YEAH, MADELEINE ALBRIGHT,
YEAH. >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH.
THAT IS A REALLY, REALLY GOOD PAINTING.
[ APPLAUSE ] HAS SHE SEEN THIS?
>> YES. THANK YOU.
IF YOU'D LIKE IT, I MIGHT PAINT YOU.
>> Jimmy: OH. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WOULD LOVE THAT. I WOULD LOVE IF YOU COULD PAINT
ME IN THE NUDE. I THINK WE'D REALLY HAVE
SOMETHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> LOOK, I DON'T WANT -- NEVER MIND.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BY THE WAY, I FEEL
LIKE YOU ALMOST PAINTED ME ALREADY.
BECAUSE THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE ME WITH MY READING GLASSES ON.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HE'S A COOL GUY.
HE'S A GUY THAT SNUCK IN AS A YOUNG BOY.
COYOTES FLOATED HIM ACROSS THE RIO GRANDE RIVER.
HE'S NOW A VERY SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS GUY HERE IN DALLAS.
>> Jimmy: THESE PEOPLE, THIS IS AN INTERESTING STORY.
TONY GEORGE BUSH AND HIS MOTHER LAILA.
>> HE WAS AN INTERPRETER FOR OUR TROOPS IN BAGHDAD.
MY VIEW IS ANYBODY WHO HELPS OUR TROOPS IN COMBAT SHOULD GET
AUTOMATIC ACCESS TO THE UNITED STATES.
WHEN HE FILLED OUT HIS IMMIGRATION FORM THEY SAID WHAT
WILL YOU BE CALLED? HE SAID, "TONY GEORGE BUSH."
[ LAUGHTER ] I HAD TO PAINT THE GUY.
>> Jimmy: OKAY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THIS GUY LOOKS A LITTLE BIT LIKE YOU.
>> SELIM, FROM LEBANON, GREW UP LISTENING TO BULLETS FLY OVER
HIS HEAD. CAME HERE TO GET A HIGH SCHOOL
EDUCATION. NOW A HUGE RESTAURANT OWNER.
I THINK HE TOLD ME HE EMPLOYS ABOUT 3,000 PEOPLE.
THE KEY THING ON SOME OF THESE STORIES ARE THE PEOPLE COME WITH
A DREAM. THEY WORK HARD.
AND THEY END UP EMPLOYING AMERICANS.
>> Jimmy: YES. SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO COME HERE
ON A DREAM, I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS IS OUR FORMER GOVERNOR HERE
IN CALIFORNIA, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> THAT'S A STRANGE PAINTING.
I KNOW. BUT HE HAS --
>> Jimmy: HE'S A STRANGE MAN. >> NO, HE'S NOT.
>> Jimmy: OH, HE'S GREAT, I LOVE HIM, BUT HE'S A STRANGE MAN,
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM THAT TO HIS FACE?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I HAVE DONE THAT.
>> OH. >> Jimmy: AND I WILL, I'M GOING
TO SEE HIM MONDAY, I'LL TELL HIM.
I'LL SAY, PRESIDENT BUSH SAID YOU WERE A STRANGE MAN, I
ARGUED, BUT -- >> YEAH, THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] ARNOLD, HE ASKED ME TO PAINT HIM
THAT WAY BECAUSE THAT WAS THE DAY HE GOT SWORN IN AS A
CITIZEN. WHICH HE SAYS -- HE WAS WEARING
AN UNCLE SAM OUTFIT. HE SAID, ONE OF THE HAPPY ELS
DAYS OF HIS LIFE. HOPEFULLY I CAN TOURED THAT IN
THE PAINTING. >> Jimmy: HE SELECTED THE
PHOTOGRAPH THAT YOU WOULD USE TO PAINT HIM?
>> YES, RIGHT. >> Jimmy: I THINK WE HAVE THE
PHOTOGRAPH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THERE IT IS. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS A GUY THAT LOVES AMERICA.
LOOKS LIKE HE WAS HIRED AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
YOU PAINT PEOPLE FROM PHOTOGRAPHS BECAUSE YOU DON'T
WANT THEM SITTING THERE IN YOUR ROOM WITH YOU?
>> CORRECT. >> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SOME WON'T SIT IN THE ROOM
WITH ME THAT LONG. TAKES A LONG TIME.
YEAH, I USE PHOTOS. I KNEW -- I GOT TO KNOW THE
PEOPLE BEFORE I PAINTED THEM. SO I WAS ABLE TO THINK ABOUT
THEIR STORIES, YOU KNOW. ABOUT THEIR PASSIONS AND ABOUT
THEIR STRUGGLES TO GET HERE. AND SO IT'S NOT -- I DIDN'T
PAINT THEM LIVE, OF COURSE, BUT IT'S ALMOST LIVE.
>> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF PASSIONS, DID YOUR PARENTS -- WERE THEY,
MAY THEY REST IN PEACE, SURPRISED BY THE FACT THAT YOU
TOOK UP PAINTING, SURPRISED BY YOUR HOBBY?
>> SHOCKED, YEAH, YEAH. >> Jimmy: BECAUSE YOUR DAD WAS
JUMPING OUT OF PLANES AT YOUR AGE AND BEYOND.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH. WHILE HE WAS JUMPING, I'M
PAINTING. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, MOTHER -- SO MOTHER SAID, I HEAR YOU'RE A PAINTER.
AND I SAID, I AM, MOM. SHE SAID, PAINT MY DOGS!
[ LAUGHTER ] I SAID, ALL RIGHT.
SO I BECAME A PET PORTRAIT PAINTER FOR A WHILE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH PRESIDENT BUSH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ >> Jimmy: WE'RE BACK WITH
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH. MUSIC FROM MAROON 5 IS ON THE
WAY. MR. PRESIDENT, BEFORE DONALD
TRUMP, THERE WEREN'T A LOT OF FUNNY CLIPS INVOLVING THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. BUT OF WHAT THERE WERE, YOU WERE
IN A LOT OF THEM. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT.
LET'S ROLL THAT CLIP. NOW, I HAVE TO SAY, I WAS VERY
PROUD OF YOU FOR DODGING THOSE SHOES WHEN IT HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE -- YOU WERE VERY --
YOU HAVE VERY GOOD REFLEXES. MY GUESS IS THAT LAURA HAD DONE
THAT BEFORE? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH. EXACTLY.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
>> Jimmy: THAT MIGHT MAKE A NICE PAINTING, DEPICTING THAT SCENE.
YOU DODGING THE SHOE, FLYING OVER YOU, SOMETHING TO THINK
ABOUT FOR THE NEXT ONE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SIZE 12. >> Jimmy: THERE ARE MANY QUOTES
THAT ARE ATTRIBUTED TO YOU. YOU'VE BEEN KNOWN TO MAKE THE
OCCASIONAL VERBAL GAFFE. MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN OCCASIONAL.
NOW THEY'VE COME UP -- DO YOU KNOW THEY HAVE A THING CALLED
"BUSHISMS"? >> YEAH, YES.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, ALL RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
SOME OF THEM ARE WELL KNOWN, LIKE WHEN YOU ASKED, YOU KNOW,
IS OUR CHILDREN LEARNING? OR THIS ONE HERE.
>> YOU'RE WORKING HARD TO PUT FOOD ON YOUR FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: RIGHT.
BUT THERE ARE MORE. AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU EVEN
REMEMBER SOME OF THESE THINGS. SO WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME
CALLED "BUSHISM OR NOT?" TO TEST YOUR RECOLLECTION.
DID YOU SAY, I KNOW THAT HUMAN BEING AND FISH CAN COEXIST
PEACEFULLY? >> YES.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS. >> I KNOW THE HUMAN BEING AND
FISH CAN COEXIST PEACEFULLY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. AND YOU WERE RIGHT ON THAT.
[ APPLAUSE ] EXCEPT FOR SHARKS, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, NEXT. I THINK I'VE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS
IN THE PAST, AND I THINK I'VE MADE SOME GOOD JUDGMENTS IN THE
FUTURE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOGI BERRA SAID THAT. >> Jimmy: WELL, LET'S SEE WHO
SAID THAT. >> I BELIEVE THAT I'VE MADE GOOD
JUDGMENTS IN THE PAST, AND I THINK I'VE MADE GOOD JUDGMENTS
IN THE FUTURE. >> Jimmy: THAT WAS FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE. ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE 2 FOR 2.
YOU TEACH A CHILD TO READ AND HEAR HER WILL BE ABLE TO PASS A
LITERACY TEST. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ME. >> Jimmy: IS THAT HIM?
>> TEACH A CHILD TO READ, AND HE OR HER WILL BE ABLE TO PASS A
LITERACY TEST. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: 3 FOR 3. YOU'RE DOING WELL.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS,
AWESOME SPEECH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SURELY THAT WASN'T ME. >> Jimmy: IT HAD TO BE SOMEBODY
ELSE. >> GOD BLESS AMERICA.
>> THANK YOU, YOUR HOLINESS, AWESOME SPEECH.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HE APPRECIATED IT. >> Jimmy: SURE, I MEAN A
COMPLIMENT'S A COMPLIMENT, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Jimmy: FLUENCY IN ENGLISH IS
SOMETHING THAT I'M NOT -- I'M OFTEN NOT ACCUSED OF.
>> THAT'S GOT TO BE ME. >> Jimmy: IT'S GOT TO BE YOU.
LET'S SEE. >> FLUENCY IN ENGLISH IS
SOMETHING THAT I'M OFTEN NOT ACCUSED OF.
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU'RE ALMOST RIGHT, THAT WAS YOUR DAD.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. >> Jimmy: HERE'S ONE.
I GUESS I'M GOING TO FADE INTO BOLIVION.
>> THAT CAN'T BE ME. >> Jimmy: THAT CAN'T BE YOU?
LET'S SEE. >> PLEASE, PLEASE.
>> I'M GOING TO FADE INTO BOLIVION.
>> Jimmy: MIKE TYSON. HAVE YOU EVER MET?
>> I HAVEN'T. >> Jimmy: THAT WOULD BE QUITE A
MEETING, YOU SHOULD PAINT HIM. >> HAVE YOU?
>> Jimmy: MANY TIMES, YES, YES, YEAH.
>> YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH THE THREE OF US SHOULD GET DINNER TOGETHER
SOMETIME. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY. NEXT QUOTE IS, IT WILL TAKE TIME
TO RESTORE CHAOS. >> HA, SURELY THAT'S NOT ME.
>> Jimmy: WELL. LET'S FIND OUT.
>> IT WILL TAKE TIME TO RESTORE CHAOS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: YOU'RE BEING MISQUOTED
BY YOURSELF. I HAVE ONE MORE FOR YOU.
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: TOO MANY OB-GYNS
AREN'T ABLE TO PRACTICE THEIR LOVE WITH WOMEN ALL ACROSS THIS
COUNTRY. >> THAT'S ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> TOO MANY OB-GYNS AREN'T ABLE
TO PRACTICE THEIR -- THEIR LOVE WITH WOMEN ALL ACROSS THIS
COUNTRY. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR PLAYING. LET'S CLOSE WITH A QUOTE FROM
ONE OF THE GREAT GAFFERS, YOGI BERRA, WHO SAID, "I NEVER SAID
MOST OF THE THINGS I SAID." [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT ONE I'M SURE YOU CAN BORROW, I'M SURE YOGI WOULDN'T
MIND AT ALL. >> EXACTLY.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING WITH US.
I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING TIME. I'M GLAD YOU'RE VACCINATED.
PEOPLE SHOULD GET VACCINATED, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. YOU KNOW, AND IF YOU'VE GOT ANY
QUALMS ABOUT IT, TALK TO THEIR DOCTOR, YOU KNOW?
WE GOT TO GET VACCINATED. GET THIS COUNTRY BACK GOING.
I'M HAPPY I AM. FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T BEEN
VACCINATED, IT'S A LIBERATING FEELING TO GET VACCINATED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: I AGREE WITH YOU, IT
REALLY IS. THIS IS THE BOOK, IT'S CALLED
"OUT OF MANY, ONE: PORTRAITS OF AMERICA'S IMMIGRANTS."
IT IS AVAILABLE NOW. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, THANK
YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MAROON 5! >> Dicky: IT TOOK YEARS TO GET
IT RIGHT BUT DR PEPPER ZERO SUGAR HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.
TO CELEBRATE WE ARE CROWNING ON AIR THE FIRST-EVER ZERO AWARD
WINNER. TUNE IN THURSDAY TO SEE WHICH
ONE OF THESE THREE WINS A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF DR PEPPER ZERO SUGAR.
ALL THE FLAVOR YOU DESERVE, NONE OF THE SUGAR.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES-BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, WE'VE DONE A LOT OF TALKING.
NOW IT IS TIME FOR MUSIC. THE SONG IS CALLED "BEAUTIFUL
MISTAKES." WITH HELP FROM THEIR FRIEND,
MEGAN THEE STALLION, MAROON THEE 5!
♪ ♪
♪ IT'S BEAUTIFUL IT'S BITTERSWEET ♪
♪ YOU'RE LIKE A BROKEN HOME TO ME ♪
♪ I TAKE A SHOT OF MEMORIES AND BLACK OUT LIKE
AN EMPTY STREET ♪ ♪ I FILL MY DAYS
WITH THE WAY YOU WALK ♪ ♪ AND FILL MY NIGHTS
WITH BROKEN DREAMS ♪ ♪ I MAKE UP LIES
INSIDE MY HEAD ♪ ♪ LIKE ONE DAY
YOU'LL COME BACK TO ME ♪ ♪ NOW I'M NOT HOLDING ON
NOT HOLDING ON NOT HOLDING ON ♪
♪ I'M JUST DEPRESSED THAT YOU'RE GONE ♪
♪ NOT HOLDING ON NOT HOLDING ON ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES I MAKE INSIDE MY HEAD
SHE'S NAKED IN MY BED ♪ ♪ AND NOW WE LIE AWAKE
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ I WOULDN'T TAKE 'EM BACK
I'M IN LOVE WITH THE PAST ♪ ♪ AND NOW WE LIE AWAKE
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY HEAD ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY BED ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ IT'S PITIFUL
I CAN'T BELIEVE ♪ ♪ HOW EVERY DAY
GETS WORSE FOR ME ♪ ♪ I TAKE A BREAK
I CUT YOU OFF ♪ ♪ TO KEEP MYSELF
FROM LOOKING SOFT ♪ ♪ I FILL MY NIGHTS
WITH THE WAY YOU WAS ♪ ♪ AND STILL WAKE UP
WITH BROKEN DREAMS ♪ ♪ I MAKE THESE LIES
INSIDE MY HEAD ♪ ♪ FEEL LIKE THEY'RE
MY REALITY ♪ ♪ NOW I'M NOT HOLDING ON
NOT HOLDING ON NOT HOLDING ON ♪
♪ I'M JUST DEPRESSED THAT YOU'RE GONE ♪
♪ NOT HOLDING ON NOT HOLDING ON ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES I MAKE INSIDE MY HEAD
SHE'S NAKED IN MY BED ♪ ♪ AND NOW WE LIE AWAKE
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ I WOULDN'T TAKE 'EM BACK
I'M IN LOVE WITH THE PAST ♪ ♪ AND NOW WE LIE AWAKE
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY HEAD ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY BED ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ YOU DID ME WRONG
CAUSE I LET YOU ♪ ♪ USUALLY I LIKE
MY SITUATIONS BENEFICIAL ♪ ♪ DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT
GOT ME LOOKING STUPID ♪ ♪ THE ONLY WAY
I'M COMING BACK TO YOU ♪ ♪ IS IF YOU DREAM IT
LUCID, PROVE IT ♪ ♪ IF YOU MADE A PROMISE
THEN KEEP IT ♪ ♪ WHY YOU WANNA LIE
AND THEN GET MAD I DON'T BELIEVE IT ♪
♪ BUT REALLY I WAS JUST DOING FINE
WITHOUT YA ♪ ♪ LOOKING FINE
SIPPIN' WINE DANCING ON CLUB COUCHES ♪
♪ BABY WHY YOU WANNA LOSE ME LIKE YOU
DON'T NEED ME ♪ ♪ LIKE I DON'T BLOCK YOU
AND YOU STILL TRY TO REACH ME ♪
♪ HOW YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO CALL FROM ME
FROM THE TV ♪ ♪ YOU RUNNIN'
OUT OF CHANCES AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT ♪
♪ BET YOU MISS MY LOVE ALL IN YOUR BED ♪
♪ NOW YA STRESSIN' OUT PULLING YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ SMELLING YOUR PILLOWS AND WISHIN' I WAS THERE ♪
♪ SLIDING DOWN TO SHOWER WALL LOOKING SAD ♪
♪ I KNOW ITS HARD TO LET GO
I'M THE BEST ♪ ♪ BEST YOU EVER HAD
AND BEST YOU GONNA GET ♪ ♪ IF WE BREAK UP
I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS YOU'RE TOXIC ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES I MAKE INSIDE MY HEAD
SHE'S NAKED IN MY BED ♪ ♪ AND NOW WE LIE AWAKE
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ I WOULDN'T TAKE EM BACK
I'M IN LOVE WITH THE PAST ♪ ♪ AND NOW WE LIE AWAKE
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY HEAD ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY BED ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY HEAD ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
IN MY BED ♪ ♪ NAH NAH NAH
MAKING BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES ♪ ♪
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES-BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK MAROON 5 AND PRESIDENT BUSH.
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON. WE RAN OUT OF TIME.
TOMORROW NIGHT, WE'LL HAVE GAL GADOT AND ERIC ANDRE WITH
MUSIC FROM KALAYO. THANKS FOR WATCHING.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT. THE NEXT 23 HOURS WILL BE
EXCRUCIATING WITHOUT YOU. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.
GOOD NIGHT.