>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S “JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE”
8 TONIGHT, CHARLES BARKLEY,
MADS MIKKELSEN, AND MUSIC FROM DAVIDO.
AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL! >> Jimmy: WELL, HI THERE, THAT'S
ME. I'M JIMMY.
I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. IF YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, THANKS
FOR STARING. THIS IS KIND OF INTERESTING,
SPEAKING OF LISTENING, THEY DID A STUDY, YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE
WHO DO STUDIES? THEY DID ANOTHER ONE AND THEY
FOUND THAT ONLY ABOUT 2% OF CONVERSATIONS END WHEN BOTH
PEOPLE WANT THEM TO END. KIND OF LIKE SEX.
RIGHT, GUILLERMO? >> RIGHT, JIMMY, RIGHT, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: RESEARCHERS AT HARVARD
SAID THAT 66% OF THE PEOPLE THEY STUDIED WISHED THEIR
CONVERSATION ENDED BEFORE IT DID.
THEY ALSO FOUND THAT, DURING A BORING STORY, PEOPLE SAY,“WOW,
THAT'S CRAZY” ON AVERAGE, 28 TIMES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Guillermo: WOW, THAT'S CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: HOW DARE YOU?
DID YOU BREAK INTO YOUR WEED STASH BEFORE THE SHOW?
>> Guillermo: A LITTLE BIT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I THINK THE LOCKDOWN HAS SPOILED US.
IT'S A LOT HARDER TO GET OUT OF A CONVERSATION WHEN YOU CAN'T
JUST PRESS A BUTTON THAT SAYS “LEAVE”
I LOVE PRESSING LEAVE. “LEAVE AND LEAVE”
ON ZOOM. MY FAVORITE THINGS OF 2021.
[ LAUGHTER ] IN OTHER UNWANTED CONVERSATION
NEWS, A THIRD WOMAN HAS NOW COME FORWARD WITH ALLEGATIONS OF
INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT BY NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.
THIS ONE HAPPENED AT A WEDDING IN 2019.
GOVERNOR CUOMO APPROACHED A WOMAN HE'D NEVER MET, SHE SAYS
THEY CHATTED BRIEFLY, HE PUT HIS HANDS ON HER BARE LOWER BACK,
SHE PULLED HIS HANDS AWAY WHICH SHE THOUGHT WOULD BE A HINT.
BUT JUST MOVED THEM TO HER CHEEKS AND ASKED IF HE COULD
KISS HER. AND THE CRAZIEST PART IS THERE'S
A PHOTO OF IT. VERY RARELY DOES A WEDDING
PHOTOGRAPHER CAPTURE ANYTHING INTERESTING AT ALL, BUT THIS ONE
DID. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S THE PHOTO. THERE IT IS.
HE'S EITHER ASKING TO KISS HER OR TELLING HER,“I KNOW IT WAS
YOU, FREDO. YOU BROKE MY HEART”
[ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A
PICTURE OF THIS. THIS IS HOW MYSTERIES IN AN
OLSEN TWINS MOVIE END. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS NOW HOW REAL LIFE GOES. AND, OF COURSE, THE FOLKS AT THE
“NEW YORK POS” HAD FUN WITH IT. “HANDSY AND” WAS THE HEADLINE.
THIS COMES ON THE HEELS OF TWO FORMER AIDES, ALSO YOUNG WOMEN,
WHO ACCUSED THE GOVERNOR OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE
WORKPLACE. IN THE SPAN OF ONE MONTH,
ANDREW CUOMO HAS SOMEHOW DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE.
HE MADE BILL DEBLASIO THE SECOND MOST-HATED POLITICIAN IN
NEW YORK. [ LAUGHTER ]
A YEAR AGO EVERYONE WAS IN LOVE WITH ANDREW CUOMO, LIKE,
LITERALLY IN LOVE. EVEN THE ITEMS AVAILABLE ON ETSY
HAVE CHANGED. THEY WENT FROM,“FUTURE
MRS. CUOMO” "ST. ANDREW CUOMO."
“I'M A CUOMOSEXUAL” “SHH, I'M WATCHING CUOMO”
TO -- “ARREST CUOMO”
“ANDREW THE GRANDMA SLAYER CUOMO”
“IMPEACH CUOMO” AND“WIPE YOUR FEET HERE”
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS WHEN THE
ETSY COMMUNITY GETS INVOLVED. [ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN SOME DEMOCRATS ARE CALLING FOR CUOMO TO RESIGN.
LINDSEY GRAHAM, THIS IS GOOD, LINDSEY TOLD SEAN HANNITY THE
DEMOCRATS SHOULD APPLY THE “REPUBLICAN MODE” TO
ANDREW CUOMO. WHICH I GUESS MEANS THEY SHOULD
MAKE HIM PRESIDENT? I DON'T KNOW, HOW DOES THAT
WORK? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
ANOTHER POLITICIAN WHO HAD A GREAT FALL IS MITT ROMNEY.
SENATOR ROMNEY SUFFERED A LITERAL FALL WHILE PLAYING WITH
HIS GRANDKIDS. HE GOT KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS AND
HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED. THE DOCTORS TOLD MITT HE
SHOULDN'T BE SKATEBOARDING, BUT THE DUDE JUST LOVES TO THRASH, I
GUESS. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE FALL WAS PARTICULARLY CONCERNING BECAUSE OF ALL THE
REPUBLICANS IN THE SENATE ROMNEY IS ONE OF THE FEW WHO STILL HAS
SOME OF HIS SPINE. BUT HE IS OKAY AND BACK TO WORK.
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TRUMP WORLD AND HIS COHORTS WERE TRYING TO
SPREAD THE IDEA THAT THE RIOTERS WHO STORMED THE CAPITOL WERE
ACTUALLY ANTIFA IN DISGUISE? AS HIS SUPPORTERS?
WELL, THE DIRECTOR OF THE FBI TESTIFIED BEFORE THE SENATE
TODAY AND SAID THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF THAT.
NOT ONLY THAT, IT HAS BECOME MORE OBVIOUS THAT THE
INSURRECTIONISTS WERE REACTING TO THE WORDS OF DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF THEM HAVE NO CONNECTION TO EXTREMIST
GROUPS OR EVEN TO EACH OTHER. THEY STUDIED THE ARREST RECORDS.
THE RESEARCH SHOWED, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THAT MEN WHO STORMED THE
CAPITOL OUTNUMBERED THE WOMEN, SIX TO ONE, WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO
HARD TO DATE AT THESE THINGS. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS A REAL SAUSAGE INSURRECTION.
[ APPLAUSE ] BUT IT IS KIND OF SAD.
THESE PEOPLE, THEY'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST.
THEY CAME TO WASHINGTON TO TRY TO SAVE AMERICA.
THAT'S WHAT THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE DOING.
THEY WERE SOLD A BILL OF GOODS, AND NOW THEY'RE PAYING THE PRICE
FOR IT. LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT
INSTA-POTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
INVESTIGATORS HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR PATTERNS AND CONNECTIONS,
AND I MAY HAVE STUMBLED ONTO SOMETHING THEY CAN USE.
AT LEAST TWO OF THOSE WHO WERE CHARGED LIST THEIR PROFESSION AS
“DATING COACH” SAMUEL FISHER AND
PATRICK ALONZO STEDMAN NO RELATION TO OPRAH I'M SURE, HELP
COACH DATING. STEDMAN, WHO POSTED A VIDEO OF
HIMSELF SITTING IN NANCY PELOSI'S OFFICE, HAS SOME GOOD
SUGGESTIONS. LIKE "MAKE A GIRL THINK OF
HERSELF LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT THAT YOU CAN EASILY REPLACE WITH
ANOTHER” WHICH IS SWEET.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THE OTHER GUY IS QUITE THE
ASS-ANOVA TOO. HE USED THE NAME“BRAD HOLIDA”"
HE ENCOURAGES MEN TO HANG POSTERS OF PINUP GIRLS ON YOUR
WALL TO“KEEP YOUR MIND FOCUSED ON YOUR GOAL OF BECOMING
SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN” YEAH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT WOMEN, THEY LOVE WHEN IT YOU
DECORATE YOUR APARTMENT LIKE IT'S A MIDDLE SCHOOL TREEHOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THINGS SEEMS TO BE LOOKING UP
VACCINE-WISE. PRESIDENT BIDEN TODAY CORRECTED
HIS ORIGINAL PROMISE THAT EVERY AMERICAN WHO WANTS ONE WOULD
HAVE ACCESS TO THE VACCINE BY JULY.
NOW HE SAYS WE'RE ON TRACK TO HAVE ENOUGH BY THE END OF MAY.
AND THAT'S GREAT NEWS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN TO LAKE HAVASU IN A
YEAR. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW THE BIG CHALLENGE IS SHIPPING THE VACCINES AND MAKING
SURE THEY DON'T GET STOLEN. THERE ARE FEARS THAT CRIMINALS
COULD TRY TO PULL OFF SOME KIND OF HEIST.
WHICH WOULD BE A GREAT PLOT FOR THE NEW ROBERT PATTINSON BATMAN
MOVIE. MR. FREEZE STEALS ALL THE
VACCINES AND NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY
ONE THAT CAN KEEP THEM COLD ENOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ] STILL HIGH?
>> Guillermo: A LITTLE BIT, A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I MENTIONED LAST WEEK
THERE WAS A DIPLOMATIC DISPUTE BETWEEN THE U.S. -- I FEEL
LIKE -- YOU KNOW SOMETIMES YOUR KID GETS A GERBIL, YOU LOOK OVER
AND IT'S JUST SITTING THERE LOOKING AT YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Guillermo: NO, NO, I'M
LISTENING TO YOUR CONVERSATION. >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT THE GERBIL
SAYS TOO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS WILL INTEREST YOU.
REMEMBER LAST WEEK I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW THE U.S. STATE
DEPARTMENT, THE PEOPLE IN THE STATE DEPARTMENT, THE CHINESE
WERE PUTTING THE Q-TIP UP THEIR BUTTS FOR THE COVID TESTING?
>> Guillermo: YEAH. >> Jimmy: OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO NOW -- YOU KNOW, CHINA DENIED
IT. THEY CLAIMED IT WAS A
MISUNDERSTANDING, BUT NOW JAPAN IS ASKING CHINA TO STOP USING IT
ON THEM TOO. [ LAUGHTER ]
APPARENTLY THEY'VE BEEN DOING TO IT THE JAPANESE, THEY SAY THIS
TEST HAS CAUSED GREAT PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN TO THOSE WHO
WERE SUBJECTED TO IT. CHINA HAS NOW VIOLATED SO MANY
PEOPLE THEY MAY HAVE TO START RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF NEW
YORK. [ APPLAUSE ]
BY THE WAY, I LEARNED THIS TODAY, I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.
THERE'S A POPULAR PRANK AMONG JAPANESE TEENAGERS.
SOMETHING CALLED“KANCHO” WHERE THEY POKE A FINGER INTO
THE BUTT OF AN UNSUSPECTING PERSON.
IT'S ALSO POPULAR IN KOREA WHERE THEY BUILT A STATUE TO -- I
DON'T KNOW, CELEBRATE IT? BUT I HOPE IT DOESN'T COME HERE.
BUT IT'S COMING HERE, RIGHT? FIRST K-POP, NOW PROSTATE EXAMS
ON THE STREET. GUILLERMO, SHOULD WE BE THE
FIRST AMERICANS TO TRY THIS? >> Guillermo: CAN I THINK ABOUT
IT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YES, YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
WE COULD BE PIONEERS, YOU KNOW. THE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS ANNOUNCED
TODAY THAT HE IS LIFTING THEIR STATEWIDE MASK MANDATE.
AS OF MARCH 10th, TEXANS WILL NO LONGER BE REQUIRED TO WEAR FACE
COVERINGS IN PUBLIC. FROM THERE ON, THE ONLY PEOPLE
WEARING MASKS IN TEXAS WILL BE THE LONE RANGER AND THE CHAINSAW
MASSACRE GUY. [ LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION HAS FINALLY ISSUED
A RECOMMENDATION AS TO WHETHER OR NOT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE SHOULD
BE USED TO PREVENT OR TREAT COVID-19.
AND THE RECOMMENDATION IS IT SHOULD NOT.
THEY FOUND THE DRUG HAS“NO MEANINGFUL EFFEC” ON COVID.
WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS
WRONG! ♪ DUM DUM DUM
TRUMP TALKED A LOT ABOUT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
PEOPLE THOUGHT MAYBE HE WAS SELLING THAT, DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT? HE TALKED ABOUT IT SO MUCH I HAD
TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
BY THE WAY, WHEN TRUMP GOT THE CORONAVIRUS, KNOW WHAT DRUG HE
DIDN'T TAKE? HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
AND THIS IS FUNNY, THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA, AFTER HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT IT, THEY'RE TRYING NOW TO RETURN $2 MILLION WORTH OF
UNUSED DOSES OF THIS DRUG, WHICH THEY BOUGHT USING TAXPAYER
MONEY, TO SHOW DONALD TRUMP HOW VERY MUCH HE MEANS TO THEM.
SO NOW THE STATE IS STUCK WITH A WAREHOUSE FULL OF MALARIA
MEDICINE. IT'S MEDICINE FOR MALARIA.
AND THE OKLAHOMA BOARD OF TOURISM IS TRYING TO MAKE IT A
SELLING POINT. >> IMAGINE A PLACE THAT IS HOME
TO OVER 200 LAKES AND HAS 55,000 MILES OF SHORELINE.
A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN PURSUE YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.
A PLACE WHERE 1.2 MILLION UNUSED DOSES OF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE
COLLECT DUST IN A WAREHOUSE. A PLACE WHERE INNOVATORS THRIVE.
AND WHERE WE HAVE A [ BLEEP ] OF UNWANTED MEDICINE.
SO WHETHER YOU'RE CRAVING EXCITEMENT AND WONDER, OR YOU'VE
GOT A HIGH-GRADE FEVER BROUGHT ON BY AFRICAN MOSQUITO BITES,
OKLAHOMA HAS IT ALL. CALL US TODAY FOR A FREE TRAVEL
GUIDE. AND CALL YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU
EXPERIENCE MODERATE TO SEVERE DIARRHEA AS A RESULT OF TAKING
ALL THE EXPIRED HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE YOUR HEART
DESIRES. OKLAHOMA -- WE GOT PILES AND
PILES OF PILLS. COME EAT THEM.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: I'D GO CHECK IT OUT.
WHILE MANY OF US ARE STILL WORRIED ABOUT COVID AND CLIMATE
CHANGE, TUCKER CARLSON IS WORRYING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.
TUCKER RIGHT NOW IS WORRIED ABOUT OUR TESTICLES.
>> LAST YEAR, HEARING ABOUT A HEALTH CRISIS, A PANDEMIC, BUT
THERE ARE A LOT OF HEALTH CRISES.
THIS MAY BE THE BIGGEST ONE. FALLING TESTOSTERONE LEVELS
WHICH HAVE COMPLETELY RESHAPED OUR SOCIETY.
FALLING SPERM COUNTS, WHICH MAY MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTINUE
THE HUMAN RACE. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? PROBABLY BECAUSE OF CHEMICALS IN
OUR ENVIRONMENT. ACCORDING TO ONE SCIENTIST,
SPERM COUNTS IN THE WESTERN WORLD HAVE DROPPED 59% BETWEEN
1973 AND 2011. AT THIS PACE, SPERM COUNTS WILL
REACH ZERO BY 2045. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT? WOW.
THAT IS SOME MATH YOU'RE DOING. LISTEN DUDE, IF YOU NEED SPERM,
I CAN GET YOU SPERM. [ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT A GUY. TUCKER CARLSON.
ALWAYS COMES UP WITH SOMETHING. OF ALL THE SPERM IN HIS FATHER'S
SAC, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WAS THE FASTEST ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS HAD TO PUT A DENT IN OLD
TUCK'S NUTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
TODAY, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, IS DR. SEUSS' BIRTHDAY.
DR. SEUSS WAS BORN 117 YEARS AGO TODAY.
AND TO HONOR THIS SPECIAL DAY, DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISES ANNOUNCED
THAT SIX OF HIS BOOKS WILL NO LONGER BE PUBLISHED BECAUSE THEY
CONTAIN RACIST AND INSENSITIVE IMAGERY.
I LOVE THAT THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISES.
HOW GREAT WOULD IT BE TO WORK THERE?
AND NOT ONLY ARE THEY PULLING SOME BOOKS OUT OF PRINT, THEY
ARE ALSO TWEAKING SOME OF THE OTHERS TO MAKE THEM MORE
INCLUSIVE. FOR INSTANCE,“THE CAT IN THE
PROBLEMATIC HEADDRESS” [ LAUGHTER ]
“HOW THE GRINCH APPROPRIATED NATIVE AMERICAN CULTURE”
“HOP ON POP, WITH HIS CONSENT” “HORTON HEARS A THEY”
“HORTON HEARS A MISOGYNIST JOKE AND REPORTS IT TO H.R”
[ LAUGHTER ] “THERE'S A WOCKET IN MY
ETHICALLY SUSTAINABLE SOURCED POCKET”
“NO EGGS OR HAM” THAT'S A VEGAN THING, I GUESS.
AND“YERTLE THE GENDER-FLUID TURTLE”
AND OTHER STORIES. THIS IS HOW TRUMP GETS
RE-ELECTED, BY THE WAY. CANCEL DR. SEUSS, CANCEL
ABE LINCOLN, MELT DOWN MR. POTATO HEAD'S PRIVATE PARTS
AND THROW THEM AT THE MUPPETS. THAT IS HIS PATH TO VICTORY.
THE NEXT TIME AROUND. YOU KNOW DR. SEUSS' BIRTHDAY IS
ALSO“READ ACROSS AMERICA DAY” THEY CAME UP WITH IT TO HONOR
HIM. &-pO DO WITH DR. SEUSS.
BUT THEY STILL WANT US TO READ ON HIS BIRTHDAY, I THINK.
I'M NOT SURE. I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT AMERICANS HAVE BEEN HOLED UP AT HOME FOR
ALMOST A YEAR NOW, AND I WONDER HOW MUCH OF THAT TIME THEY SPENT
READING. NOT READING TWITTER OR DMs ON
INSTAGRAM, READING BOOKS. SO WE WENT ON THE STREET AND
CONDUCTED AN UNSCIENTIFIC SURVEY.
WE ASKED PEOPLE PASSING BY OUR STUDIO TO NAME A BOOK, ANY BOOK,
AND THIS IS HOW THAT WENT. >> CAN YOU NAME A BOOK?
>> UM -- I DON'T READ THAT MUCH. >> CAN YOU NAME A BOOK?
>> UH -- OH GOSH -- I GOT SO MANY OF THEM ON MY MIND.
>> CAN YOU NAME A BOOK? >> GEEZ, ON THE SPOT, I CAN'T.
>> CAN YOU NAME A BOOK? >> OH, NO, THAT'S A BAD ONE.
WHAT'S ONE OF THE ONES THEY MAKE YOU READ IN HIGH SCHOOL?
UH -- "FAHRENHEIT" SOMETHING. 470-SOMETHING?
>> CAN YOU NAME A BOOK? >> UH -- UH, "I LOVE FOOD"?
>> IS THAT A BOOK? >> YES?
>> WHAT IS IT ABOUT? >> FOOD?
>> WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
>> THE LAST BOOK I READ? I THINK IT WAS A COMIC BOOK.
I THINK IT WAS "THE INFINITY GAUNTLET SERIES."
>> IS A COMIC BOOK A BOOK? >> IT HAS "BOOK" IN THE NAME.
>> WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU READ A BOOK?
>> UM -- NOT IN MY COLLEGE LIFE, EVER.
>> YOU WENT THROUGH COLLEGE NOT READING A SINGLE BOOK?
>> NO. NO, MA'AM.
>> WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
>> UM -- THE LAST BOOK I READ WAS -- "SOMETIMES GOD HAS A
KID'S FACE." >> WHEN DID YOU READ THAT?
>> UM -- I HAVE IT IN MY, LIKE -- I HAVEN'T REALLY READ IT
THAT MUCH, BUT YOU KNOW. BUT -- I'M REALLY, LIKE, READING
IT. SOME OF IT.
>> HOW HIGH ARE YOU NOW? >> A LITTLE HIGH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: GUILLERMO, I THINK WE
FOUND YOU A FRIEND. >> Guillermo: YEAH!
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MADS MIKKELSEN IS WITH US. WE HAVE MUSIC FROM DAVIDO, AND
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GREAT CHARLES BARKLEY, SO
STICK AROUND! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ >> Jimmy: TONIGHT-FROM THE MOVIE
“ANOTHER ROUND” MADS MIKKELSEN IS WITH US.
THEN LATER, A VERY TALENTED NIGERIAN-AMERICAN FROM THIS, THE
“COMING 2 AMERIC” SOUNDTRACK, MUSIC FROM DAVIDO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WHO DO WE HAVE TOMORROW NIGHT?
TOMORROW NIGHT, DAISY RIDLEY AND JUSTICE SMITH WILL JOIN US WITH
MUSIC FROM ASHE FEATURING FINNEAS.
AND ON THURSDAY, SACHA BARON COHEN,
WESLEY SNIPES, AND MUSIC FROM CHARLOTTE LAWRENCE.
SO PLEASE, PLEASE JOIN US FOR THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A
HALL-OF-FAME BASKETBALL PLAYER, A HALL-OF-FAME BROADCASTER, AND
ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS ON TV. STARTING THURSDAY NIGHT, HE AND
HIS TNT COLLEAGUES ARE SUBJECTS OF A NEW, FOUR-PART DOCUMENTARY
CALLED“THE INSIDE STORY” PLEASE WELCOME CHARLES BARKLEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, BROTHER?
>> Jimmy: GOOD TO SEE YOU, HOW ARE YOU?
>> ALWAYS GOOD, MAN, THANKS FOR HAVING ME ARE I LOVE DOING YOUR
SHOW. >> Jimmy: I LOVE HAVING YOU.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY FAVORITE? I HOPE YOU KNOW THAFSHLGTS IT'S
EITHER ME OR SHAQ AND YOU KNOW HE SUCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DOES ANYONE CALL YOU
CHAR-BAR? HAS THAT EVER BEEN SAID?
>> HELL ALTHOUGH! HELL NO!
AP [ LAUGHTER ]
I HATE CHARLIE TOO. >> Jimmy: YOU DON'T LIKE
CHARLIE. >> YOU CALL ME CHARLES OR CALL
ME CHUCK, BUT I HATE CHARLIE, AND I DON'T KNOW THAT NAME YOU
JUST MADE UP, CHAR-BAR. >> Jimmy: CHAR-BAR.
>> RIDICULOUS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I HOPE IT DOESN'T CATCH ON, I REALLY HOPE.
MR. BARKLEY, IF THAT'S OKAY, THIS IS A BIG WEEKEND FOR YOU.
USUALLY IT WOULD BE BECAUSE OF THE NBA ALL-STAR GAME.
BUT THIS IS A BIG WEEKEND FOR YOU BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER'S
GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEKEND, CORRECT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JIMMY, MY ONLY CHILD, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY
LIFE, IS GETTING MARRIED SATURDAY.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR HER AND MY FUTURE SON-IN-LAW.
AND I'M JUST EXCITED FOR HER. BECAUSE THIS IS HER SPECIAL DAY.
BOTH OF US WILL BE THE ONLY ONE, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DON'T SAY THAT AT THE
TOAST. >> HEY, HEY, LISTEN.
I PROMISED HER THIS. THIS GOT TO WORK, THIS IS THE
ONLY ONE I'M PAYING FOR. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK THIN, BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING IN
SHAPE BECAUSE OF THE WEDDING? >> YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I BEEN REALLY WORKING OUT HARD, BECAUSE APPARENTLY
THEY GOT TO PICK ME UP IN A CHAIR.
>> Jimmy: WHAT? OH, IS HER FIANCE JEWISH?
>> YES. >> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
>> AND LISTEN -- I NEED ALL JEWISH PEOPLE ON DECK, BROTHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
BECAUSE HEY, I CAN ONLY GET SO SKINNY BY SATURDAY, MAN.
[ LAUGHTER ] I CAN ONLY GET SO SKINNY.
BUT I ATE. IT'S LIKE I'M IN A -- ALL HANDS
ON DECK. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GETTING INTO.
THAT'S SOMETHING ELSE. YOU'RE GOING TO BE PART OF THAT
TRADITION. DO YOU HAVE -- YOU KNOW, I
WAS -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS.
I WAS A WEDDING DEEJAY IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA, WHICH I
BELIEVE IS WHERE THIS IS ALL GOING ON.
SO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING, I CAN PROBABLY
HELP YOU. DO YOU?
>> WELL, I WISH I'D HAVE KNOWN THAT.
YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE GAVE ME A CHEAPER DEAL ON THE DEEJAY,
RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR NOTHING.
YOU KNOW -- >> IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: IT'S NOT TOO LATE?
I'LL BE OUT THERE. DO YOU HAVE LIKE A
FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE PLANNED? DID YOU THINK AHEAD AS FAR AS
WHAT SONG YOU WILL MAY FOR THAT? >> YEAH, I DID.
YOU KNOW, I WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO PEOPLE WHO WATCH ME
AND ERNIE'S PODCAST CALLED "A TEAM STEAM ROOM."
GREAT SONGS. STEVIE WONDER, LUTHER VANDROSS.
BUT I CAME UP -- I'M GOING TO DO ZACH BROWN, "THE MAN WHO LOVES
YOU THE MOST." >> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
>> I DO, I LOVE THE WORDS OF IT. BUT WE SETTLED ON ZACH BROWN,
"THE MAN WHO LOVES YOU THE MOST."
I CAN'T WAIT TO DANCE WITH HER ON HER WEDDING NIGHT.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU A GOOD DANCER? >> NO.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M AN AWFUL DANCER.
YOU KNOW, JIMMY, I BEEN BUSY. I AIN'T HAVE TIME TO LEARN HOW
TO DANCE. I BEEN BUSY BEING CHARLES
BARKLEY FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: IS YOUR FUTURE
SON-IN-LAW -- OH, DID HE ASK YOU FOR YOUR -- FOR HER HAND IN
MARRIAGE? DID HE ASK FOR YOUR BLESSING?
>> HE DID. YOU KNOW, AND I HADN'T HEARD
ABOUT THAT BEFORE. AND I GOT REALLY EMOTIONAL.
LIKE I SAY -- I'D HEARD BETTER BEFORE, BUT IT WAS
NERVE-RACKING. YOU'RE LIKE -- UM, YES?
AND THE FAMILY, HOW IS THE FAMILY?
ARE THEY PEOPLE YOU FEEL YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH?
>> I LOVE HIS FAMILY. THEY ARE AMAZING PEOPLE.
THEY'VE BEEN LIVING IN LONG ISLAND FOR A LONG TIME.
AND IT'S GOING TO BE A WELCOME ADDITION TO MY FAMILY.
>> Jimmy: WHO IS PAYING FOR THE WEDDING?
>> THAT WOULD BE ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S YOU. THAT TRADITION IS REAL TOUGH,
ISN'T IT? >> WELL, YOU KNOW -- I GAVE HER
A CHOICE. SHE COULD BE STUPID AND USE ALL
THE MONEY ON THE WEDDING, OR SHE COULD GET A REALLY NICE WEDDING
GIFT. AND SHE CHOSE -- CHEAPER WEDDING
AND A REALLY NICE GIFT. SO SHE DID A REALLY GOOD JOB.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S SMART. [ APPLAUSE ]
SPEAKING OF GIFTS -- SO YOU GOT -- ARE YOUR GUYS, THEY CAN'T
COME TO THE WEDDING, RIGHT? BECAUSE THEY'RE YOUR CO-WORKERS,
THEY'RE WORKING THIS WEEKEND. >> YEAH, THEY GOT THE ALL-STAR
GAME. SHOUT-OUT TO MY BOYS AT TNT
SUNDAY NIGHT. WE GOT THE AUSTRLL-STAR GAME, T
SLAM DUNK, THE THREE-POINT SHOOTING CONTEST.
BUT OTHER THAN ERNIE, I'M NOT GOING TO MISS ANYBODY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WILL SHAQ AND ERNIE
AND KENNY BE EXPECTED TO SEND GIFTS TO YOUR DAUGHTER FOR HER
WEDDING? >> ERNIE, YES.
THE OTHER TWO HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT, JIMMY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT GOING TO MENTION TO
THEM, BUT ERNIE'S ALL CLASS. HE'S ALREADY DID HIS THING.
BUT KENNY AND SHAQ HAVE NOT MENTIONED IT AT ALL.
>> Jimmy: THEY HAVEN'T? >> NO.
>> Jimmy: THEY SAY YOU HAVE LIKE A YEAR AFTER THE WEDDING TO SEND
THE GIFT. WILL YOU GIVE THEM THAT MUCH
TIME, OR EXPECTED TO HAPPEN ON THE WEDDING DAY?
>> KENNY AND SHAQ AIN'T SENT A GIFT BY NOW, I'M EXPECTING
NOTHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH. WHO WOULD GIVE MORE, KENNY OR
SHAQ? >> SHAQ IF THEY DECIDED TO GIVE
A GIFT. KENNY IS A CHEAP -- KENNY HAS
MASTERED THE SCIENCE OF GOING TO THE BATHROOM WHEN THE CHECK IS
COMING. [ LAUGHTER ]
GOT IT DOWN TO AN EXACT SCIENCE. >> Jimmy: I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE
THIS DOCUMENTARY ABOUT YOU GUYS. I LOVE YOUR INTERACTION.
YOU GOT IT -- IT'S FOUR DOCUMENTARIES, ONE IS ABOUT YOU,
ONE'S ABOUT KENNY, ONE'S ABOUT ERNIE, ONE'S ABOUT SHAQ.
YOURS IS THE LONGEST, ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT?
>> I DID NOT KNOW THAT. WELL, WAIT.
IT'S A FOUR PART, IT'S NOT INDIVIDUALLY ABOUT EACH ONE OF
US, I DON'T THINK. >> Jimmy: I THINK EACH PART OF
IT FOCUSES ON ONE OF YOU. >> WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING. IF ONE -- ERNIE'S BEEN THERE 30
YEARS, KEN HAS BEEN THERE 25, I'VE BEEN THERE 20.
THIS IS MY 20th YEAR. SHAQ BEEN THERE ABOUT 10, I
THINK. IT'S THE BEST DECISION I MADE IN
MY LIFE, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> I MEAN, I MEAN, WORKING WITH THOSE GUYS.
IT'S SO MUCH FUN, GOING TO WORK. I MEAN, NUMBER ONE, GETTING TO
WATCH THE BEST BASKETBALL PLAYERS IN THE WORLD ALL THE
TIME IS PRETTY SPECIAL. BUT TO GO TO WORK AND HAVE FUN
WITH THOSE GUYS. AND YOU KNOW, WHEN I TOOK THE
JOB, ERNIE ASKED ME HOW LONG I WAS GOING TO BE THERE.
I SAID, THREE YEARS THEN MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS.
NOTHING BIGGER AND BETTER CAME ALONG.
THAT'S WHY I'M STUCK. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: CHARLES BARKLEY IS WITH US.
"THE INSIDE STORY" PREMIERES THURSDAY NIGHT ON TNT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLES.
>> PORTIONS OF“JIMMY KIMMEL LIV” ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CROWN ROYAL IN PARTNERSHIP WITH “COMING 2 AMERICA” HONORING
BLACK HERITAGE MONTH AND BLACK ROYALTY ALL YEAR ROUND.
>>> THE FAVORITE FOLKS ON THE CALL-IN SHOWS HAVE BEEN VOCAL OF
CRITICISM OF YOU FOR DOING THIS. >> YOU THINK I GIVE A FLYING
[ BLEEP ] WHAT PEOPLE ON THE RADIO CALL-IN SHOWS SAY?
I REALLY DON'T GIVE A [ BLEEP ] WHAT THE PEOPLE ON THE CALL-IN
SHOWS -- >> I'M JUST ASKING A QUESTION.
>> I'M JUST GIVING AN ANSWER. >> YOU CAN'T SAY FLYING
[ BLEEP ]. >> I REALLY DON'T GIVE A F-F
WHAT THEY THINK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: CHARLES BARKLEY IN PHILADELPHIA MANY YEARS AGO.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE SUBJECT, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU WHY SO
ANNOYED? >> I DON'T.
IT WAS SO LONG AGO, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER.
>> Jimmy: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT WAS.
>> WHAT WAS IT? >> Jimmy: YOU WANTED TO WEAR
NUMBER 32 TO HONOR YOUR FRIEND MAGIC JOHNSON.
AND SOME WERE SAYING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR 32 BECAUSE IT HAD
BEEN RETIRED, AND YOU WERE NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW -- IT PISSED ME OFF.
YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD -- ME AND ERNIE JUST HAD MAGIC ON THE
PODCAST. WHEN HE ANNOUNCED HE WAS HIV
POSITIVE, YOU KNOW, WE DIDN'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT HIV BACK THEN.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GOT MAD AT ME.
I ASKED TO CALL BILLY CUNNINGHAM.
I ASKED BILLY BEFORE I WENT PUBLIC WITH IT, AND BILLY SAID,
THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME TRIBUTE TO MAGIC.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE -- JIMMY.
I CANNOT -- I CANNOT BELIEVE PEOPLE GOT MAD ABOUT THAT.
>> Jimmy: IT'S CRAZY, YEAH. >> IT WAS AWESOME.
>> Jimmy: BILLY CUNNINGHAM HAD 32, AND HE SAID, YEAH, GO AHEAD,
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD DO THAT. BUT, YOU KNOW.
WE'VE LEARNED A LOT. I REMEMBER A LOT OF PLAYERS
DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY WITH MAGIC AT THAT TIME.
>> YEAH. AND THANK GOODNESS I WASN'T ONE
OF THOSE GUYS. >> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> BECAUSE -- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
MAGIC JOHNSON AND LARRY BIRD ARE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN
NBA HISTORY. IF IT WASN'T FOR THOSE GUYS, THE
NBA WOULDN'T BE WHAT IT IS TODAY.
OBVIOUSLY MICHAEL JORDAN TOOK IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL.
BUT I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER, BEFORE MAGIC JOHNSON AND LARRY
BIRD GOT TO THE NBA, THE LEAGUE WAS TOO BLACK, TOO MANY DRUGS,
IT WASN'T MAKING ANY MONEY. SO WHEN THESE GUYS ALL TALK
ABOUT WHO MADE THE LEAGUE, IT WAS LARRY BIRD AND MAGIC
JOHNSON. AND I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING
SPECIAL FOR MAGIC, BECAUSE WHAT HIM AND LARRY DID, WE CAN'T EVEN
PUT INTO WORDS TO SAY THANK YOU ENOUGH.
>> Jimmy: WILL YOU BE PART OF MAGIC'S DOCUMENTARY?
>> I AM. I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
BUT YOU KNOW -- I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAW -- MAGIC,
THAT'S MY FIRST RECOLLECTION OF MARCH MADNESS.
BUT I TELL PEOPLE THIS. HEY, I LOVE LeBRON, KOBE, TIM
DUNCAN, PATRICK, ALL THOSE GUYS. THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT FIGURES
ARE MAGIC JOHNSON, LARRY BIRD. I TOLD HIM IT WOULD BE AN HONOR
AND PRIVILEGE TO BE PART OF THE DOCUMENTARY.
>> Jimmy: ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I THINK IS -- I LOVE WATCHING
YOUR SHOW. YOU KNOW THAT.
AND NOT JUST FOR THE BASKETBALL. I LOVE THE SHOTS YOU GUYS TAKE
AT EACH OTHER AND THE THINGS THAT YOU SAY ARE NOT THINGS THAT
YOU REALLY HEAR ON TELEVISION. AND I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE FUN TO
PLAY A GAME. THESE ARE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE
SAID, WORDS THAT HAVE COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
I'M GOING TO READ THESE QUOTES TO YOU.
YOU TELL ME IF YOU CAN REMEMBER WHO YOU SAID THEM ABOUT, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. IT'S CALLED "WHO'D I SAY THAT
ABOUT WITH CHARLES BARKLEY." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, THE FIRST ONE IS THE BLANK WERE THE ONLY ORGANIZATION
IN THE NBA WHO COULD FIND BLACK GUYS WHO COULDN'T PLAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE NEW YORK KNICKS.
[ BUZZER ] >> Jimmy: IT WAS YOUR OLD TEAM,
THE 76ers, YOU SAID ABOUT THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH. >> Jimmy: WE'LL TRY ANOTHER.
HE'S THE WORST MEMBER OF THE BOY BAND WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HE'S
STANDING NEXT TO TIMBERLAKE. WHEN THE GIRLS ARE THROWING
PANTIES AT HIS HEAD, HE'S GOING TO GET HIT BY SOME DRIVE-BY
PANTIES BUT THEY'RE MEANT FOR TIMBERLAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT'S MY GOOD FRIEND,
DRAYMOND GREEN. >> Jimmy: DRAYMOND GREEN IS
CORRECT. [ APPLAUSE ]
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIS FAT ASS GET EATEN BY A SHARK.
>> RICK MAHORN. [ BUZZER ]
>> Jimmy: SHAQUILLE O'NEAL IS THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.
BLANK MUST HAVE PICTURES OF HIS BOSS' WIFE HAVING SEX WITH A
MONKEY. >> JERRY KRAUS.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S JERRY KRAUS, THAT'S RIGHT, FORMER GENERAL
MANAGER OF THE BULLS. BLANK CAN'T EVEN JUMP HIGH
ENOUGH TO TOUCH THE RIM UNLESS THEY PUT A BIG MAC ON IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MIKE JAMISKY.
>> YOUR FORMER TEAMMATE OLIVER MILLER.
HE STEPS ON THE SCALE AND IT SAYS, ONE AT A TIME PLEASE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ■THAT'S GOT TO BE OLIVER
MILLER. >> Jimmy: THAT'S SHAQUILLE
O'NEAL. IF GOD IS SO GREAT, HOW COME HE
DIDN'T GIVE YOU A BETTER JUMP SHOT?
WHO DID YOU SAY THAT TO? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> UM -- KENNY SMITH. >> Jimmy: A.C. GREEN.
ONE MORE. AND YOU BETTER QUIT YELLING AT
ME, KAREN. >> OH, THAT'S SHAQUILLE.
>> Jimmy: SCHHAQUILLE O'NEAL. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
>> Jimmy: I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME AT YOUR DAUGHTER'S
WEDDING. THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US.
GIVE HER OUR BEST. "THE INSIDE STORY" PREMIERS ON
TNT. CHARLES BARKLEY, GOOD TO SEE
YOU. BE BACK WITH MADS MIKKELSEN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪
>> Jimmy: DAVIDO IS ON THE WAY. OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY
TALENTED ACTOR WHO'S BEEN EVERYTHING FROM BOND VILLAIN TO
CANNIBAL TO DESTROYER OF THE DEATH STAR.
HIS NEXT PROJECT IS "THE INSIDE STORY," AVAILABLE THURSDAY
DIGITALLY. HOW ARE YOU?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I'M IN LONDON DOING A FILM.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS WHERE YOU LIVE?
>> NO, COPENHAGEN. >> Jimmy: I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
YOUR CREDITS. YOU PLAY ADVIL LAN IN JAMES
BOND, PLAY ADVIL LAN IN -- PLAYED HANNIBAL LECTER, YOU
PLAYED A VILLAIN IN DR. STRANGE, YOU WERE IN THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE,
VILLAIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE THIS VILLAINY?
ARE YOU AN EVIL PERSON? >> YEAH, IT'S EITHER THAT -- I
CAN COME UP WITH A LOT OF EXCUSES BUT I BLAME IT ON THE
FUNNY ACCENT, TO BE HONEST. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE ACCENT. YOU'RE FROM DENMARK.
>> I'M DANISH. IT USED TO BE THE RUSSIANS.
THEN IT WAS THE GERMANS. THEN IT WAS THE BRITS FOR A
WHILE. THEN IT'S JUST, FOR SOME ODD
REASON, IT'S BECOME THE DANES. I'LL TAKE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHO HAVE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING TO US, IT'S WEIRD. >> A TINY BIT, THE VIKINGS DID
GO TO AMERICA, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE YOU GUYS, THOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T
EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW YOU DO. >> Jimmy: SEE, WE'RE FINALLY
LEARNING SOMETHING. >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE IN RIHANNA'S VIDEO.
YOU WERE THE BAD GUY. [ LAUGHTER ]
"BE "BCHL
"BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY." >> I WAS THE BI DID. CH.
>> Jimmy: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, HOW DID YOU COME TOOK RIHANNA'S
BITCH? >> NO IDEA.
I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM MY AGENT, DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT
RIHANNA THINGY? YEAH, WHO IS THIS RIHANNA?
I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT POP CULTURE.
I ASKED MY KIDS. THEY WERE JUST OVER THE MOON, SO
I GOT BROWNIE POINTS THERE. I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST TIME MY
SON WANTED TO GO WITH ME ON A MOVIE SET.
>> Jimmy: REALLY? >> I DIDN'T LET HIM.
>> Jimmy: WHY DIDN'T YOU LET HIM?
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT THAT VIDEO, I KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T LET
YOUR SON COME. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS. I THINK HE HAD A CRUSH ON HER,
AND THAT WOULD BE A LITTLE TOO TRICKY.
>> Jimmy: I SEE. YOU WERE WORRIED HE MIGHT RUN
AWAY WITH RIHANNA. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH. I HAD A SMALL FEAR OF THAT,
YEAH. OR VICE VERSA, YOU NEVER KNOW.
>> Jimmy: POP CULTURE IS NOT YOUR THING, YOU'RE NOT UP ON
WHAT'S HAPPENING? >> NOT A LOT.
I KNOW A LOT ABOUT SPORTS. I DO RECOGNIZE PEOPLE WHO ARE
DOING SPORTS. I RECOGNIZE THEIR FACES,
SOMETIMES ALSO THEIR NAMES. BUT NO, ACTORS AND SINGERS, NOT
SO MUCH. >> Jimmy: ANOTHER ROUND.
I LOVE THE IDEA, IT'S BASED ON -- WELL, YOU EXPLAIN IT
BETTER THAN I. IT'S BASED ON -- WOULD YOU CALL
IT A THEORY? OR IS IT AN IDEA, A JOKE?
>> IT'S A THEORY, IT'S AN IDEA. HE DID WRITE A PAPER ABOUT IT,
LIKE TOO LITTLE ALCOHOL IN OUR BLOOD.
IF WE ONLY HAD, SAY, TWO GLASSES OF WINE IN OUR BLOODSTREAM,
EVERYTHING WOULD BE EASIER. WE WOULD BE IN A ZONE.
WE WOULD HIT THAT BULL'S-EYE EVERY TIME AND CONVERSATIONS
WOULD LIFT. SO THE THEORY IS GOOD.
I LIKE IT. >> Jimmy: SPECIFICALLY, IT'S A
NORWEGIAN PSYCHIATRIST, HE SUGGESTED THAT HUMANS ARE BORN
WITH A .05% BLOOD-ALCOHOL DEFICIENCY AND SHOULD DRINK
STEADILY THROUGHOUT THE DAY. >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: TO ELEVATE IT TO A NORMAL LEVEL.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YES, EXACTLY.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU TESTED THIS THEORY?
>> I MEAN, NOT THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE LIFE.
BUT I MEAN, FOR THE FILM, WE WANTED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
THIS GUY STARTS OUT AT .05. THEN THEY TURN UP THE
VOLUME, .08, THEN .1, SO FORTH. WE TRIED SOME OF THE LEVELS.
AND THAT WAS PRETTY FUN. THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOU WATCH THE
VIDEO, YOU CAN GO, AH, NOW I SEE THE DIFFERENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOUR HANDS START DOING STRANGE
THINGS. THE LISP THAT YOU DIDN'T THINK
YOU HAVE IS COMING UP AGAIN. >> Jimmy: PLAYING DRUNK AS AN
ACTOR, IS IT BETTER TO BE DRUNK OR IS THAT A NO-NO?
>> IT'S KIND OF A NO-NO. IF YOU WANT TO HAVE DIALOGUE
WITH THE DIRECTOR, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
NO, WE DID THE BOOT CAMP. THEN WE WATCHED THE VIDEOS.
THEN WE WATCHED A LOT OF YOUTUBE.
FOR SOME STRANGE REASON IT'S ALWAYS THE RUSSIANS TO GET
HAMMERED. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE WATCHED THAT FOR THE EXTREME DRUNK EPISODES.
THEY FALL ON THEIR FACES ALL THE TIME AND THEY LOVE TO SHOOT
THEMSELVES. >> Jimmy: DRINKING IS A BIT PART
OF DANISH CULTURE, RIGHT? >> YEAH.
I THINK IT'S IN THE DNA SOMEHOW WITH ALL THE NORDIC COUNTRIES.
IT'S WHY IT'S COLD, I GUESS. >> Jimmy: WHEN DO YOU START
DRINKING? AT WHAT AGE?
>> LIKE ME? >> Jimmy: LIKE IN GENERAL IN THE
COUNTRY, OR YOU, YEAH. >> I THINK THE FIRST OFFICIAL
BEER I HAD IN A CUP, I WAS 13. BUT VERY IMPORTANT THING, YOU
COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT IF YOU HAD YOUR OLDER BROTHER WITH YOU
AND THE OLDER BROTHER PROMISED TO DRAG YOU BACK HOME.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M NOT SURE WE CAN GET AWAY
WITH THAT ANYMORE. THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.
>> Jimmy: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NOMINATION.
THE MOVIE IS CALLED "ANOTHER ROUND."
IT IS ON DIGITAL AND ON DEMAND NOW.
MADS MIKKELSEN. THANKS FOR STAYING UP SO LATE,
MADS, APPRECIATE IT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUSIC
FROM DAVIDO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY MERCEDES-BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING. >> Dicky: THE“JIMMY KIMMEL
LIV” CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY MERCEDES-BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING. >> Jimmy: GREETINGS FROM
HOLLYWOOD. IT'S TIME FOR SOME MUSIC.
WITH SONGS FROM THE“COMING 2 AMERIC” SOUNDTRACK AND HIS
OWN ALBUM,“A BETTER TIME” DAVIDO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪
♪ SPEROACH BEAT
BE THE BANG BANG BIGGIE BIGGIE
HEAVY HEAVY ♪ ♪ BABY DO YOU WANT ME
BIGGIE BIGGIE HEAVY HEAVY
BABY DO YOU WANT ME ♪ ♪ YOU'RE THE ONE
I WANT OH BEFORE MY
LIVER START TO FAIL ♪ ♪ YOU'RE THE ONE
I NEED OH YEAH BEFORE CASSAVA
START TO HAIL ♪ ♪ AND IF I EVER LEAVE
MAKE WATER CARRY ME GO YEAH FAR AWAY
FAR AWAY ♪ ♪ SO I AM LOOKING
FOR A SISTER CHIOMA MY LOVER
SHE GET THE DOLLAR ♪ ♪ SHE WEAR DESIGNER
SO I AM LOOKING FOR A SISTER
CHIOMA MY LOVER OH ♪ ♪ SHE GET THE DOLLAR
SHE WEAR DESIGNER YEAH ♪
♪ SHE SAY GIVE ME ASSURANCE I GIVE MY BABY ASSURANCE
I GIVE MY BABY ♪ ♪ LIFETIME INSURANCE
ASSURANCE ASSURANCE I GIVE MY BABY
ASSURANCE ♪ ♪ I GIVE MY BABY
LIFETIME INSURANCE ♪ >> AND WITH NO FURTHER ADO, I
TAKE YOU STRAIGHT INTO JOWO OFF THE BETTER TIME ALBUM BY
AFRICA'S BADDEST. WE CALL HIM OBIO, YOU CALL HIM
DAVIDO. SIT BACK, RELAX AND ENJOY.
LET'S GET IT. ♪ JO JOWO
MY BABY JO JOWO MY BABY JO JOWO
JOWO ♪ ♪ ONE TIME THREE
FOR THE TWO PERSON BORN YOU ♪
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] ♪ TELL 'EM TELL 'EM
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] ♪ CALM DOWN CALM DOWN
FOR ONLY YOU COME ON COME ON ♪
♪ MANY MANY MAN THEY TRY TO WHINE YOU
I NO REALLY MIND THEY JUST THEY WHINEY ♪
♪ MANY MANY GIRL THEY TRY TO WHINE ME BABY NO GO WHINE
THEM JUST THEY WHINEY ♪ ♪ MANY MANY MAN
THEY TRY TO WHINE YOU BUT I NO REALLY MIND
THEY JUST THEY WHINEY ♪ ♪ SO ME SAY JOWO
LOOK INTO MY SEE O BABY WILL YOU BE MY
WIFE OH BABY BABY ♪ ♪ LOOK INTO MY EYE SEE
OH BABY WILL YOU BE MY WIFE
OH BABY BABY ♪ ♪ JO JOWO
MY BABY JO JOWO MY BABY JO JOWO
JOWO ♪ [ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
♪ MANY MANY MAN
THEY TRY TO WHINE YOU BUT I NO REALLY MIND
THEY JUST THEY WHINEY ♪ ♪ MANY MANY GIRL
THEY TRY TO WHINE ME BABY NO GO WHINE THEM
JUST THEY WHINEY ♪ ♪ MANY MANY MAN
THEY TRY TO WHINE YOU BUT I NO REALLY MIND
THEY JUST THEY WHINEY ♪ ♪ MANY MANY GIRL
THEY TRY TO WHINE ME BABY NO GO WHINE THEM
JUST THEY WHINEY ♪ ♪ SO ME SAY JOWO
LOOK INTO MY SEE O BABY WILL YOU BE MY
WIFE OH BABY BABY ♪ ♪ JO JOWO
MY BABY JO JOWO MY BABY JO JOWO
JOWO ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BE MY WIFE OH BABY
♪ JO JOWO MY BABY JO JOWO
JOWO ♪
♪ JO JOWO MY BABY JO JOWO
JOWO ♪
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK CHARLES BARKLEY, MADS MIKKELSEN,
AND DAVIDO. APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
GUIL GUILLERMO, ANYONE YOU WANT TO
THANK? >> Guillermo: MAGIC JOHNSON.
>> Jimmy: MAGIC JOHNSON. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT, THANKS FOR WATCHING!