>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!"
TONIGHT ‐‐ WILL ARNETT. MARK HAMILL. ROSAMUND PIKE.
AND MUSIC FROM NAV FEATURING GUNNA. AND NOW ‐‐ JIMMY KIMMEL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HI, I'M JIMMY KIMMEL. I'M THE HOST.
THANKS FOR WATCHING. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OUR ASH
WEDNESDAY EXTRAVAGANZA. TODAY MARKS THE FIRST DAY OF
LENT. THE WHOLE YEAR HAS BEEN LENT, I
DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S LEFT TO GIVE UP?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC SOME CATHOLIC CHURCHES HAD TO
IMPROVISE. THEY WERE OFFERING A
DRIVE‐THROUGH ASH‐PERIENCE THIS MORNING.
THIS WAS SOME CHURCH IN NEW JERSEY.
>> REMEMBER YOU ARE FROM DUST AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN.
HERE'S YOUR EIGHT‐PIECE FINGER‐LICKING VALUE MEAL.
>> GOD BLESS YOU, FATHER, AND GOD BLESS THE COLONEL.
>> DRIVE THROUGH. NEXT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: GOD BLESS THE COLONEL, PEOPLE DON'T SAY THIS ENOUGH.
AND THIS PRIEST ‐‐ THEY WEREN'T SET UP FOR A
DRIVE‐THROUGH SITUATION, BUT
THIS PRIEST REALLY GOT CREATIVE.
>> REPENT AND BELIEVE IN THE GOSPEL. REPENT AND BELIEVE IN THE
GOSPEL.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, FATHER RAMBO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'RE RESOURCEFUL. PRESIDENT BIDEN WENT TO CHURCH
THIS MORNING. LAST NIGHT, HE PROMISED THE
VACCINE WILL BE AVAILABLE TO EVERY AMERICAN WHO WANTS IT BY
THE END OF JULY. AND THEN WE CAN GET BACK TO
SPREADING THE OLD STUFF. HERPES, GONORRHEA, AND GOOD
TIMES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE WHITE HOUSE IS SAID TO BE IN TALKS WITH AMAZON RIGHT NOW TO
HELP DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE. THE WAY IT WILL WORK IS ANY
PRIME MEMBER WHO CAN PROVE THEY'VE WATCHED ALL SIX SEASONS
OF "BOSCH" WILL GET VACCINATED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND NOT ONLY IS AMAZON PITCHING IN TO HELP, THERE WAS A SURPRISE
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM APPLE TODAY, TOO.
>> GOOD AFTERNOON. COVID‐19 WAS A HUGE LEAP FORWARD
IN THE PANDEMIC INDUSTRY. AND I AM SO EXCITED TO UNVEIL
WHAT'S UP NEXT.
INTRODUCING COVID‐20! COVID‐20 IS MORE TRANSMISSIBLE
THAN COVID‐19 IN EVERY WAY. COVID‐20 CAN BE CONTRACTED BY
TOUCHING, MOVING, BLINKING, BREATHING, HAVING IMPURE
THOUGHTS, SMILING TOO HARD, AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, SHOWING
FEAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW WHILE WE'RE STILL WORKING OUT THE SYMPTOMS, REST ASSURED
THAT COVID‐20 WILL KILL YOUR PARENTS FASTER THAN ANY VIRUS
YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND FOR LARGER COVID LOVERS, WE ARE THRILLED TO INTRODUCE
COVID‐20 PLUS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PIZZA, PASTA, CUPCAKES, BEEF. COVID‐20 PLUS LIVES IN
EVERYTHING YOU EAT. DELIVERING THE MOST DELICIOUS
VIRUS EXPERIENCE YET.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: AS LONG AS WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR A NEW CHARGER.
OUR NEW PRESIDENT HELD A CNN TOWN HALL WITH ANDERSON COOPER
LAST NIGHT. HE SAID HE'S TIRED OF TALKING
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP. AND REFERRED TO DONALD TRUMP AS
"THE FORMER GUY." WHICH I LOVE, BECAUSE HE WILL
HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
JOE KNOWS THAT THE WAY TO DEFLATE TRUMP IS TO IGNORE HIM.
BUT IT'S HARD. HE'S LIKE A 2‐YEAR‐OLD.
YOU WORRY THAT IF YOU TAKE YOUR EYE OFF HIM, HE'LL FLUSH YOUR
KEYS DOWN THE TOILET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BIDEN ALSO SHED SOME LIGHT ON WHICH FORMER PRESIDENTS HE'S
SPOKEN TO, AND WHICH HE HAS NOT.
>> HAVE YOU PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED ANY FORMER PRESIDENT
YET?
>> YES, I HAVE.
>> DO YOU WANT TO SAY WHO?
>> NO, I DON'T, THEY'RE PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS.
BUT, BY THE WAY, ALL OF THEM HAVE, WITH ONE EXCEPTION, PICKED
UP THE PHONE AND CALLED ME AS WELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: BLINK IF IT'S THE FAT ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP HAS NOT CALLED JOE BIDEN. TRUMP DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO CALL
JOE BIDEN. HE'S TOO BUSY PHONING HIS "FOX
AND FRIENDS." AFTER 27 DAYS IN HIDING, TRUMP
CALLED INTO FOX NEWS TODAY TO TALK ABOUT HIS FRIEND
RUSH LIMBAUGH, WHO DIED. AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TRIBUTE IT
WAS.
>> WELL, RUSH DEFINITELY WON, SO DID I, BY THE WAY, I THINK WE
WON SUBSTANTIALLY. RUSH THOUGHT WE WON.
AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS OVER AT 10:00, 10:30, IT WAS OVER.
AND A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY TOO.
BUT RUSH FELT THAT WAY STRONGLY. AND MANY PEOPLE DO.
MANY PROFESSIONALS DO. AND I DON'T THINK THAT COULD
HAVE HAPPENED TO A DEMOCRAT. YOU WOULD HAVE HAD ‐‐ YOU WOULD
HAVE HAD RIOTS GOING ALL OVER THE PLACE IF THAT HAPPENED TO A
DEMOCRAT.
>> Jimmy: ANYWAY, WHO DIED, AGAIN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S NO "I" IN EULOGY, DON. AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE FOX CREW
DIDN'T TRY. THEY DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO
TEE HIM UP TO TALK ABOUT RUSH, BUT SOMEHOW IT KEPT COMING BACK
TO THE ELECTION HE STILL THINKS HE WON.
>> DID HE SAY TO YOU WHAT ROLE HE WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU PLAY
NEXT?
>> WELL, WE DIDN'T TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT THAT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT TOO MUCH EITHER.
BECAUSE I WAS ‐‐ I WAS DISAPPOINTED BY VOTER TABULATION.
I THINK IT'S DISGRACEFUL, WHAT HAPPENED.
WE WERE LIKE A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY ON ELECTION NIGHT WITH
THE CLOSING DOWN OF THE CENTERS AND ALL OF THE THINGS THAT
HAPPENED LATE IN THE EVENING. AND HE WAS FURIOUS AT IT.
AND MANY PEOPLE ARE FURIOUS. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW ANGRY THIS
COUNTRY IS. AND PEOPLE WERE FURIOUS.
>> Jimmy: WELL, I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT LISTENING TO HIM
BLATHER ON NONSENSICALLY ABOUT HIMSELF IS WHAT RUSH WOULD HAVE
WANTED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ONE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOST FAMOUS FAILURES, THE TRUMP
PLAZA CASINO, WAS IMPLODED TODAY IN ATLANTIC CITY.
EVERY CHAPTER OF TRUMP'S BIOGRAPHY IS 11.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE BUILDING HAD FALLEN INTO SUCH A STATE OF DISREPAIR IT HAD
TO BE PUT OUT OF ITS MISERY. FRONT‐ROW SEATS FOR THE
IMPLOSION WENT FOR $600 A PAIR. THEY USED THREE THOUSAND STICKS
OF DYNAMITE, AND AUCTIONED OFF THE CHANCE FOR ONE LUCKY WINNER
TO BLOW IT UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I'M HAPPY FOR HIM. HE'S PRETTY SPEEDY FOR A POODLE.
DONALD TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM HAS ALSO IMPLODED.
HE'S BROKEN IT OFF WITH HIS NUMBER ONE HENCHMONSTER.
RUDY GIULIANI. TEAM TRUMP PUT OUT A STATEMENT
SAYING THAT GIULIANI IS NOT CURRENTLY REPRESENTING TRUMP IN
ANY LEGAL MATTERS. RUDY APPARENTLY MISTOOK HIS HAIR
DYE FOR GORILLA GLUE. AND HE'S GOING TO BE OUT OF
COMMISSION FOR A WHILE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WITH TRUMP OFF HIS PLATE NOW RUDY HAS MORE TIME FOR HIS TRUE
PASSION ‐‐ WALKING THE STREETS OF UKRAINE SCREAMING
HUNTER BIDEN'S NAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT IS STILL VERY COLD IN THIS COUNTRY.
AND BECAUSE LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS DIVIDED BY POLITICS NOW,
FINGERS ARE BEING POINTED ‐‐ AT THE WEATHER.
TEXAS HAS BEEN HIT ESPECIALLY HARD BY BLACKOUTS AS A RESULT OF
THE COLD, WHICH PUTS THE REPUBLICANS WHO RUN THE STATE IN
A TOUGH SPOT. THEY DID A LOT OF MOCKING
CALIFORNIA WHEN OUR POWER WENT OUT.
SO NOW THE GOVERNOR, JIM ABBOTT, OF TEXAS HAS BEEN WORKING HARD
TO SOMEHOW PUSH THE BLAME TO DEMOCRATS AND THE GREEN NEW DEAL.
WHICH DOESN'T EVEN EXIST YET. AND TUCKER CARLSON IS HELPING
HIM OUT BY BLAMING IT ON WINDMILLS.
>> WIND TURBINES WOUND UP GENERATING ABOUT ONE‐QUARTER OF
TEXAS' POWER. IT GOT COLD LAST NIGHT, AND THE
WINDMILLS FROZE, AND AS A RESULT, MILLIONS OF TEXANS ARE
FREEZING. SEVERAL HAVE DIED.
>> Jimmy: YES, KILLED BY WINDMILLS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NONE OF THAT IS REMOTELY TRUE. THE REASON FOR BLACKOUTS IS
BECAUSE OF FROZEN INSTRUMENTS AT COAL, NATURAL GAS, AND NUCLEAR
FACILITIES. WINDMILLS ARE HOLING UP
DISPROPORTIONATELY WELL BY COMPARISON.
SO DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING CON‐QUIXOTE SAYS.
EVEN THE EXPERT TUCKER DRAGGED ON TO TALK SMACK ABOUT WINDMILLS
WASN'T WILLING TO BACK HIM ON IT.
>> SEEMS RECKLESS TO SET ASIDE 25% OF YOUR POWER GRID FOR
WINDMILLS. DO YOU THINK THAT IT IS?
>> TUCKER, I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT WINDMILLS, THEY'RE NOT
PREVALENT IN THIS AREA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, THEY'RE DESTROYING THIS COUNTRY.
ONE MINIATURE GOLF COURSE COULD WIPE OUT AN ENTIRE STATE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN CALIFORNIA THINGS ARE STARTING TO OPEN BACK UP.
SEVERAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS RESUMED IN‐PERSON CLASSES IN
L.A. COUNTY THIS WEEK. AND OUR GOVERNOR, GAVIN NEWSOM,
ANNOUNCED THAT IN SOME PARTS OF THE STATE MOVIE THEATERS COULD
BE UP AND RUNNING AS EARLY AS NEXT WEEK.
WHICH MEANS WE CAN FINALLY SEE "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG" ON A BIG
SCREEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SINCE MOVIES ARE COMING BACK WE DECIDED TO HAVE A BIT OF FUN.
WE MADE A FAKE POSTER FOR A FAKE MOVIE.
WE STATIONED OURSELVES OUTSIDE A THEATER HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, AND
TOLD PEOPLE WALKING BY THAT WE WERE DOING A COMMERCIAL FOR IT.
AND ASKED IF THEY WOULD GIVE IT A RAVE REVIEW WITHOUT SEEING IT.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE. BUT RAVE THEY DID IN A
SPECIAL COVID EDITION OF "LIES,
CAMERA, ACTION."
>> THIS MOVIE IS CALLED "THAWING ALBERT."
MARK HAMILL PLAYS ALBERT EINSTEIN.
THEY HAVE TO DEFROST HIM TO SOLVE COVID‐19.
YOU JUST CAME OUT OF THE THEATER, TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU
LOVED IT.
>> OH MY GOSH! "THAWING ALBERT," ONE OF THE
BEST MOVIES I'VE SEEN ALL YEAR. ALBERT EINSTEIN, HE'S GETTING
UNFROSTED ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW, I'M SPEECHLESS!
>> MARK HAMILL PLAYS ALBERT EINSTEIN. HE CAN SOLVE THE COVID.
HE GETS IT TOTALLY SOLVED AND CURED.
>> TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE SKI RACE AGAINST THE RICH
BULLIES THAT ALBERT EINSTEIN HAD TO WIN TO SAVE THE SKI LODGE.
>> WELL, AFTER HE WAS BEING I GUESS PUMPED, SAVED BY ALL THE
RICH KIDS, HE HAD TO ESCAPE. YOU KNOW, HE DUCKED UNDER THAT
TREE BRANCH, IT WAS ABOUT TO SLICE HIS HEAD OFF, YOU KNOW,
AND HE WAS JUST ‐‐ MAN.
>> THEN HE POPPED UP AND SAID, "E EQUALS M SKI SQUARED."
>> M SKI ‐‐ THAT GOT ME, M SKI SQUARED, THAT WAS AWESOME.
>> DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SAFE GOING BACK INTO THE THEATER.
TALK ABOUT HOW IT'S OKAY TO GO SEE A MOVIE AGAIN.
>> COME SEE THIS MOVIE, IT WILL BE THE ONE YOU GO BACK INTO
THEATERS FOR.
>> EVEN IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE COUGH?
>> IF YOU TALK THROUGH YOUR MASK, IT'S FUN, TALK HERE, COUGH
HERE.
>> EVEN IF YOU'VE BEEN AROUND SOMEBODY WHO'S BEEN DIAGNOSED
WITH COVID, IT'S OKAY TO COME TO THE MOVIES?
>> I DON'T ‐‐ HOW DO YOU ‐‐ UM. STAY HOME WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD,
BUT IF YOU HAVE COVID, COME SIT IN THE COVID SECTION, AWAY FROM
EVERYBODY ELSE.
>> I SAT IN THE COVID SECTION, I FELT SAFE, I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE
ANYTHING WAS WRONG.
>> THERE WAS A LOT OF COUGHING AND SNEEZING?
>> A LOT OF COUGHING AND SNEEZING.
>> NOBODY WORE MASKS?
>> I DIDN'T HAVE ON A MASK.
>> I DIDN'T CARE?
>> I DIDN'T CARE, I WANTED TO SEE THE MOVIE.
>> I WOULDN'T MIND CATCHING COVID?
>> I WOULDN'T MIND CATCHING COVID, IT'S SOMETHING TO DO.
>> SAY COVID IS A HOAX.
>> I FIRMLY BELIEVE COVID IS A HOAX, I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR MONTHS.
NEVER GOT SICK, I'M 65, I FEEL GREAT.
>> I KISS STRANGERS EVERY DAY?
>> I KISS STRANGERS EVERY DAY.
>> AND MORE THAN THAT?
>> A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
>> I NEVER THOUGHT OF ALBERT EINSTEIN AS A SEXUAL BEING, BUT
AFTER THE SEX SCENE BETWEEN HIM AND THE CIA AGENT?
HE WAS KIND OF HOT.
>> LOOK RIGHT THERE AND SAY, THE SEX SCENES WERE GRATUITOUS.
>> THE SEX SCENES WERE PRATUITOUS.
>> YOU'LL PROBABLY CATCH COVID BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
>> WHY WOULD I SAY THAT?
>> WE'RE TRYING TO PROMOTE THE MOVIE.
>> IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE PEOPLE GO IF I SAY THAT.
>> TRY, THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD.
>> THIS MOVIE IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
>> IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF YOU CATCH COVID.
>> I'M NOT ‐‐ I CAN'T SAY THAT.
>> YOU'LL FEEL SAFE, IF YOU HAVE COVID, THEY MAKE YOU SIT IN THE
COVID SECTION.
>> THAT'S NOT GOING TO ENTICE PEOPLE TO SEE THE MOVIE.
>> IF THEY HAVE COVID, THEY CAN SIT IN THE COVID SECTION.
>> IF THEY HAVE COVID, THEY SHOULDN'T BE IN THE BUILDING.
>> YEAH, BUT THEY'RE SITTING IN ONE SECTION, THEY'RE ROPED OFF.
>> I'M GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MOVIE LOVERS AGREE, "THAWING ALBERT" IS THE HOTTEST TICKET IN
TOWN.
>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO RISK YOUR LIFE SEEING ONE MOVIE THIS YEAR,
MAKE IT "THAWING ALBERT."
>> CRITICS CROW, THIS IS MARK HAMILL'S BEST PERFORMANCE SINCE
THAT ONE WITH THE SPACESHIP!
>> I'M BACK TO KICK THE CORONAVIRUS IN THE NUTS!
>> MARK HAMILL'S PERFORMANCE WAS TO DIE FOR, AND I ALMOST DID!
>> COME BACK TO A THEATER TO EXPERIENCE ALL THE ACTION!
>> OH NO! THEY'RE GAINING ON ME!
TAKE THAT, BULLIES! HA HA HA!
E EQUALS M SKI SQUARED!
>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CHEERS, THE SEX SCENES WERE PRETUITOUS.
>> DANKE SCHOEN, NOW YOU BOTH UNDERSTAND THE THEORY OF
RELATIVITY.
>> SCREW YOU, CORONAVIRUS, IT'S TIME TO GO BACK TO THE MOVIES.
>> FLING OFF YOUR MASK!
>> I SAT IN THE BALCONY AND HAD UNPROTECTED SIX, THANKS,
"THAWING ALBERT."
>> YOU'RE WELCOME, PERVERT!
>> "THAWING ALBERT." THIS FILM IS NOT YET VACCINATED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT LOOKS GOOD, RIGHT?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ROSAMUND PIKE IS WITH US. WE HAVE MUSIC FROM NAV FEATURING
GUNNA. AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
WONDERFUL WILL ARNETT. SO STICK AROUND.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
TONIGHT FROM THE NEW MOVIE "I CARE A LOT," ROSAMUND PIKE IS
WITH US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND LATER HIS MIXTAPE, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS IS A MIXTAPE EVEN
THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE AN ALBUM, IT'S NOT. IT'S A MIXTAPE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE MADE IT FOR US. IT'S CALLED "EMERGENCY TSUNAMI."
MUSIC FROM NAV WITH GUNNA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TOMORROW NIGHT, JODIE FOSTER AND KELLY MARIE TRAN WILL JOIN US
WITH MUSIC FROM BLACK PUMAS. AND ON FRIDAY, WE HAVE A NEW
SHOW WITH KATE HUDSON, DOMINIQUE FISHBACK, AND MUSIC
FROM EVANESCENCE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST IS A WARM AND
TALENTED MAN WITH PIERCING BLUE EYES AND A LARYNX LINED WITH
IGUANA LEATHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE IS CO‐CO‐HOST OF ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR PODCASTS AROUND,
NEW EPISODES OF "SMARTLESS" WITH HIS COHOST, JASON BATEMAN AND
SEAN HAYES, COME OUT MONDAYS. PLEASE WELCOME WILL ARNETT.
WELCOME, WILL, HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD, MAN, HOW ARE YOU, HOW ARE YOU?
>> Jimmy: DOING GREAT. I SEE YOU'VE STILL GOT THAT
MICROPHONE GOING. THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN FOR US
AT THE LAST MINUTE.
>> YEAH, I HEARD THAT YOU HAD A ‐‐ YOU HAD A GUEST WHO DROPPED
OUT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH. LAST‐MINUTE CANCELATION THING.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH JASON BATEMAN?
>> I AM, I AM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T WANT TO ‐‐ I DIDN'T WANT TO OUT HIM. YOU KNOW.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SHAME HIM. BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT.
YEAH. SO JASON ‐‐ OBVIOUSLY TOO BUSY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID, TOO BUSY.
THEY SAID HE WAS SHOOTING HIS SHOW, SO HE COULDN'T DO THE SHOW.
YOU KNOW. I SAID, YEAH, WELL, WE'RE
SHOOTING ALSO. OUR SHOW.
>> YEAH. AND HE'S A GOOD FRIEND OF YOURS.
AND HE HAD ALREADY SAID YES.
THEN HE BACKED OUT BECAUSE
"BLOWZARK'S" SCHEDULE CHANGED OR SOMETHING.
>> Jimmy: I THINK IT'S CALLED "OZARK."
>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> DUDE, GEEZ.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SOUNDED LIKE "BLOWZARK."
>> GUYS.
>> Jimmy: IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT?
>> YOU SAID IT. I'M GOING OFF ‐‐ CHECKING MY
NOTES. "OZARK."
>> Jimmy: AND WHATEVER IT'S CALLED, THAT SHOW, I HAVE SPIES
EVERYWHERE, YOU KNOW THAT, I HAVE PEOPLE IN EVERY REGION.
JASON IS IN ATLANTA. THIS IS A PHOTO.
I PROMISE YOU, THIS WAS TAKEN TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT IS HE DOING?
>> Jimmy: HE'S SUPPOSEDLY TOO BUSY TO FACETIME INTO THE SHOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THERE HE IS PLAYING "WORDS WITH FRIENDS" ON HIS
PHONE.
>> THAT'S THE ‐‐ WHICH IS YOUR ‐‐ HILARIOUS, CONSIDERING
WE KNOW THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> WHAT'S FUNNY, HE'S A GUY ‐‐
>> Jimmy: HOLD ON, ARE YOU EATING?
>> YEAH, I'M EATING. YOU SAID ‐‐ YOU SENT OVER T
THIS ‐‐ THIS STEAK DINNER.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WE SENT A STEAK DINNER TO THANK YOU FOR COMING.
>> DELICIOUS, MAN, UNBELIEVABLE.
>> Jimmy: I WAS KIND OF THINKING YOU WOULD EAT IT AFTER THE SHOW,
THOUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOBODY TELLS ME WHEN TO EAT A STEAK DINNER.
NOBODY TELLS ME WHEN TO EAT, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO JASON. SO HERE'S THIS GUY.
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH.
>> HE'S SITTING IN THERE, HE'S IN ATLANTA, HE'S IN HIS PUFFER
JACKET LIKE AN ACTOR, HE'S SITTING ON HIS CHAIR, HE'S
TEXTING AWAY, HE'S PLAYING HIS LITTLE GAMES OR WHATEVER.
THE GUYS LIKE YOU AND ME, WE'RE HERE IN THE TRENCHES WORKING.
>> Jimmy: WORKING. JUST TRYING TO STAY ALIVE.
>> TRYING TO STAY ALIVE DOING IT.
>> Jimmy: IS THAT MICROPHONE HOOKED UP TO ANYTHING?
OR IS IT JUST A PROP?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT MICROPHONE? I DON'T SEE A MICROPHONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S TRUE.
>> THAT'S HOW IN TUNE I AM, I DON'T EVEN SEE ‐‐ THE MICROPHONE
IS JUST ‐‐ IT'S AN APPENDAGE, IT'S PART OF MY BODY ‐‐ BODY ‐‐
BODY ‐‐ BODY ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT ‐‐ I MEAN, YOU HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL VOICE ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT RECORDING AN ALBUM OF MUSIC?
>> WELL. IT'S FUNNY. AND THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE WELCOME, YEAH, YEAH.
>> I ‐‐ I STILL ‐‐ AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, AFTER SO MANY
MILLION, I STILL HAVE A TOUGH TIME TAKING COMPLIMENTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CAN I ASK YOU ‐‐ I DO WANT TO GET INTO THE THING.
DO YOU HAVE A SODA SPONSOR YET ON THE SHOW?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL, WE HAVE COCA‐COLA IN OUR GREEN ROOM.
>> YOU DO?
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> SO THE ‐‐ COCA‐COLA, THEY MUST KNOW THE FOLKS OVER AT DIET
COKE, STILL REFRESHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU DRINKING OUT OF YOUR SON ARCHIE'S CUP RIGHT
NOW?
>> UH ‐‐ YEAH, ACTUALLY, I AM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU ARE.
>> ONE OF THESE IS LINED SO THE ICE STAYS COLD FOR A LONG TIME,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND IT'S PLASTIC, SO IF YOU DROP
IT, NO PROBLEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A, WHAT, 8‐MONTH‐OLD, DANNY, NAMED AFTER
THE RESTAURANT CHAIN?
>> YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I KNOW HE'S STILL A BABY, BUT HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANY
INDICATION WHETHER HE HAS YOUR VOICE?
HE HAS THE RICH, DULCET TONES, BUT BABY VERSION?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, JIMMY?
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH?
>> THIS MEAT IS COOKED SO PERFECTLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER.
>> NO, I'M GOING TO ANSWER THAT. THE OTHER THING YOU MADE ME
THINK OF. YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GREATEST‐EVER EATING OF A PIECE
OF STEAK ON FILM, REMEMBER "THE MATRIX"?
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH.
>> I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, I DON'T CARE, THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE
MOMENT. IT'S NEITHER HERE FOR THERE.
>> Jimmy: I THINK YOU'RE GIVING HIM A RUN FOR HIS MONEY RIGHT
NOW.
>> I LOVE JOEY.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU BACK, LIKE ARE YOU BACK ON SET?
ARE YOU SHOOTING ANY MOVIES OR TV SHOWS RIGHT NOW?
>> I'M ABOUT TO GO TO WORK BACK TO BACK TO BACK FOR KIND OF THE
REST OF THE YEAR. I'M ABOUT TO START BACK ON "THE
LEGO MASTERS" WHICH IS A SHOW I HOST OVER ON A DIFFERENT NETWORK.
>> Jimmy: FOX, RIGHT, YEAH.
>> OVER ON FOX. IT'S A SHOW A LOT OF FAMILY AND
PEOPLE LOVE.
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH. YEAH, ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE
ROOM CLAPPED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. I THOUGHT I HEARD ‐‐
>> Jimmy: HE'S GOT A FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN ALWAYS ‐‐ I CAN ALWAYS
SNIFF OUT ONE CLAP, NO PROBLEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO I GO ‐‐ I GO ‐‐ I'M GOING TO DO THAT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT, LIKE ‐‐ I GUESS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, BUT AT
THE SAME TIME ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
GET BACK OUT IN THE WORLD, I HAD OPPORTUNITY TO GO OUT FOR ‐‐ TO
GET A PIZZA WITH A COUPLE OF GUYS LAST NIGHT, A COUPLE OF
PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH.
>> THEY SAID, WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THIS RESTAURANT, MEET US IN
THE BACK, IT'S OUTSIDE, WE'RE PARKED AROUND THE SIDE, YOU CAN
SIT OUTSIDE. I SAID, NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO A RESTAURANT, I'LL MEET YOU GUYS IN THE PARK, SMOKE A CIGAR
LATER, WHATEVER. I DON'T WANT TO ‐‐ EXCUSE ME,
MAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW ‐‐ I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO
RESTAURANTS. MAINLY IT'S BECAUSE ‐‐ HAVE YOU
HEARD OTHER PEOPLE LATELY? HAVE YOU HEARD?
WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT? PEOPLE ARE JUST ‐‐ NO.
NO, THANKS.
>> Jimmy: THEY'RE THE WORST.
>> PEOPLE ARE THE WORST.
>> Jimmy: CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT GOING BACK TO
WORK? THIS IS KIND OF A SERIOUS QUESTION. HERE IT IS.
>> ALL RIGHT. BY THE WAY, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH?
>> I'VE NEVER SAID THIS TO YOU BEFORE.
WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS A LONG TIME. I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ANYTHING YOU
WANT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL ‐‐ I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU ‐‐ WELL, NOW I FEEL LIKE
I SHOULD ACTUALLY ‐‐ WHAT IS IT LIKE TO MAKE LOVE TO A WILL
ARNETT? WHAT IS YOUR APPROACH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IS THAT BACON?
>> I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS BACON.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS GOOD.
>> DO YOU WANT TAL IN ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, GO AHEAD,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SPOKEN BY A CANADIAN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WILL
ARNETT!
>> Dicky: PORTIONS OF "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" ARE BROUGHT TO YOU
BY TUBI. THE STREAMING SERVICE THAT
BRINGS YOU YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES AND SHOWS FOR FREE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: ROSAMUND PIKE AND MUSIC FROM NAV ARE COMING UP.
WILL ARNETT IS WITH US. HE'S ENJOYING A STEAK, HE'S IN
HIS HOME STUDIO, HE'S SHARING TALES OF HIS WORK ON THE PODCAST
"SMARTLESS" WITH JASON BATEMAN AND SEAN HAYES.
IT'S A SHAME JASON STILL GETS PLUGS FOR THE SHOW EVEN THOUGH
HE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR THE INTERVIEW.
>> IT IS A SHAME. BECAUSE THIS IS THE GUY, THIS IS
THE GUY WHO'S, YOU KNOW, UNPROFESSIONAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> A BAD FRIEND TO BOTH OF US.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> DOUBLE WHAMMY.
>> Jimmy: YOU ‐‐ BY THE WAY, THE SHOW IS GREAT.
THE PODCAST, THE CONCEIT OF THE SHOW IS VERY INTERESTING, IS ONE
OF THE THREE OF YOU WILL BOOK A GUEST AND NOT TELL THE OTHER TWO
WHO THE GUEST IS. AND THEN THEY'RE SURPRISED WHEN
THEY HEAR THE VOICE OF THE PERSON YOU'RE INTERVIEWING.
IT SAYS YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS UNSTABLE, WILL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS THAT TRUE?
>> Jimmy: THERE'S A LITTLE MESSAGE ‐‐ BUT WE'LL MOVE PAST
THAT.
>> ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> STOP TWITCHING!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I TOLD YOU I'M DOING KIMMEL TONIGHT!
>> Jimmy: THE BABY IS TWITCHING?
>> WELL, HE'S 9 MONTHS. YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: YEAH. SO WHAT I WANTED TO ASK IS,
FIRST OF ALL, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO BOOK THE SAME GUEST?
BECAUSE YOU GUYS KNOW KIND OF ALL THE SAME PEOPLE.
>> WELL, ONE OF THE THINGS ‐‐ SO YOU'RE ‐‐ WHEN YOU WERE BOOKED,
I THINK IT WAS SEAN WHO BOOKED YOU, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> AND SO JASON AND I WERE BOTH DOING THAT THING OF LIKE, OF
COURSE THE FIRST PERSON ‐‐ WE'RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS.
WE WERE LIKE, WHO'S GOING TO BOOK ‐‐ THEN SEAN BOOKED YOU.
IT WAS A VERY AWKWARD MOMENT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, RIGHT. AND THEN WHAT DID I DO WHEN I
WAS BOOKED ON THE SHOW? I SHOWED UP ON IT, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T CANCEL. I SHOWED UP TO DO IT.
>> YEAH. CAN I SAY? AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FISHING
FOR THIS. BUT THERE HAVE BEEN A MILLION
TIMES WHERE I'VE HAD TO DO THINGS AND WHATEVER, I ASKED YOU
TO DO STUFF, AND EVERY TIME, YOU'VE DONE IT.
EVERY TIME YOU'VE SHOWN UP.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH A
DEEP RESPECT FOR YOU, A RESPECT THAT IS NOT SHARED BY ALL OF OUR
FRIENDS, I GUESS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO. CAN I ACTUALLY ‐‐ CAN I TELL YOU
A TRUE STORY? THIS IS AN ACTUAL TRUE STORY.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> LAST WEEK I WAS PLAYING ‐‐ I WAS PLAYING GOLF, AND I HURT MY
BACK A LITTLE BIT. I TWEAKED IT. AND, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT TO
GET INJURED. JASON HAD A BIG INJURY A FEW
MONTHS AGO, AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM AS WELL.
I TALKED ABOUT IT ON THE SHOW. I ALMOST DON'T WANT TO BRING IT
UP BECAUSE ‐‐ I DON'T WANT TO RELIVE IT.
BUT HE HURT HIS FINGER TRYING TO GET HIS GOLF CLUBS OUT OF HIS
TESLA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, WHICH FINGER? WHICH FINGER DID HE HURT?
>> THE ONE HE USES THE MOST. THAT THE ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ONLY WHEN HE DRIVES. HE ONLY USES THAT WHEN HE DRIVES.
SO I'M AT HOME. AND THIS IS TRUE. AND HE KNEW, BECAUSE HE WAS
PLAYING A COUPLE OF GROUPS AHEAD OF ME.
AND THEN HE SAID, HOW'S YOUR BACK? AND I SAID, IT'S NOT GREAT.
AND I WAS LAID UP. ALL OF A SUDDEN IN MY HOUSE,
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. I LOOK AT THE THING.
AND BATEMAN APPEARED. AND HE HAD A COUPLE OF ICY HOT
PATCHES FOR MY BACK.
>> Jimmy: OH, HE DID?
>> YES, HE DID. I GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT CREDIT,
HE JUST SHOWED UP. AND YOU KNOW JASON, HE DOESN'T
DO ANYTHING FOR ANYBODY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: DID HE ASK YOU FOR ANYTHING AFTER HE GAVE YOU THE
ICY PACKS?
>> HE SAID, LOOK, I CAN'T MAKE KIMMEL ON WEDNESDAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HE KNEW EVEN THEN! LET'S LOOK AT THIS BILLBOARD.
THIS IS IN TORONTO, YOUR HOMETOWN. THIS IS A GIANT DIGITAL
BILLBOARD. IT'S GOT ALL YOUR NAMES AND ALL
YOUR FACES ON IT. DID ANY OF YOUR FAMILY SPOT THIS
AND NOT KNOW IT WAS HAPPENING?
>> NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT TO SAY THIS. I WANT TO SAY THIS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> THE WEDGE SALAD, IT NEEDS TO BE ADVERTISED AS ONE OF THE
GREAT INVENTIONS.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S UNDERRATED.
>> IT IS WAY UNDERRATED.
>> Jimmy: BACK TO THIS BILLBOARD.
I PUT UP A QUESTION ABOUT IT. THIS IS KIND OF LIKE YOUR LOGO.
LET'S ZOOM IN ON THAT, CAN WE? NOW THESE HEAD SHOTS, I ASSUME
YOU EACH APPROVED THE HEAD SHOT INDIVIDUALLY, YES?
>> SURE. DO YOU WANT ANOTHER TRUTH?
THIS IS HOW LOW FIRE THE SHOW IS. THESE ARE ALL SELFIES WE TOOK,
WE JUST TOOK THEM OF OURSELVES.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOOK THOSE OF YOURSELVES?
>> NOT ALL OF THEM.
>> Jimmy: YOU'VE GOT KIND OF A ‐‐ I DON'T WANT TO CALL IT A
SMIRK. THERE'S A SEXY, TOUSLE‐HAIRED
THING GOING. SEAN'S MAKING A STATEMENT, "I'M
THE SMART ONE" WITH THE GLASSES. BATEMAN, IT LOOKS LIKE A HEAD
SHOT FROM THE HOGAN FAMILY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BATEMAN'S LOOKS LIKE HE JUST FOUND OUT HE WAS ALIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Jimmy: I'M GOING TO BE OKAY!
>> NO, IT'S LIKE, YEAH, HI! BUT YOU KNOW, THE THING WAS,
THEY GAVE THUS ‐‐ IT'S NICE TO HAVE, THEY PUT THIS BIG
BILLBOARD UP IN MY HOMETOWN OF TORONTO.
THEY SAID, ISN'T THIS GREAT? IT TURNS OUT IT IS GREAT, BUT
IT'S ALSO LIKE THE TREE FALLING IN THE FOREST WHEN NOBODY'S
THERE OF BILLBOARDS. BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN THE
MIDDLE OF A LOCKDOWN.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH.
>> GREAT, YOU KNOW?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, BILLBOARDS ARE CHEAP RIGHT NOW, I HAVE A
FEELING.
>> YEAH, NO KIDDING.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAD BILLIE EILISH AND FINNEAS ON THE SHOW THIS
WEEK. THAT'S A GOOD BOOK. WHO BOOKED THAT ONE?
>> THAT WAS ‐‐ THAT CAME THROUGH BATEMAN.
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY, OKAY.
>> I MEAN ‐‐ BY THE WAY, I MEAN ‐‐ IT WAS HIS IDEA.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU HAD PAUL McCARTNEY ON THE SHOW, WHICH WAS
UNBELIEVABLE.
>> PAUL McCARTNEY ‐‐ THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY COOL.
WHAT WAS COOL ABOUT IT ‐‐ I KNOW YOU DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
YOU'VE INTERVIEWED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AND PRESIDENTS AND A
FEW ‐‐ WHATEVER, ALL SORTS OF
DIGNIT DIGNITARIES, WHICH AS TERM THAT
DOESN'T GET USED A LOT THESE DAYS. SO YOU'RE USED TO IT.
BUT I GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO ASK PAUL McCARTNEY, LIKE, YOUR
MUSIC, THE BEATLES, HAS BEEN THE PART OF SUCH A HUGE PART OF SO
MANY MILLIONS OF LIVES. LIKE, YOUR MUSIC IS PLAYED AT
WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS AND, YOU KNOW, FIRST KISSES.
AND LIKE HOW INSANE IS THAT? DOES THAT ‐‐ DOES THAT RESONATE
WITH YOU? AND HIS ANSWER WAS PRETTY GOOD,
BUT IT WASN'T AS GOOD AS I WANTED IT TO BE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT WASN'T AS GOOD AS THE QUESTION? ALL RIGHT.
WILL ARNETT. LISTEN TO HIS PODCAST, IT'S
CALLED "SMARTLESS." IT'S AVAILABLE MONDAYS WHEREVER
PODCASTS ARE SOLD.
>> I LOVE PAUL McCARTNEY.
>> Jimmy: WE'LL BE BACK WITH ROSAMUND MIKE!
>> Jimmy: HI, AND WE ARE BACK. MUSIC FROM NAV IS ON THE WAY.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN OSCAR‐NOMINATED, EMMY‐WINNING
ACTRESS WHO WENT FROM BOND GIRL TO "GONE GIRL" TO GOLDEN GLOBE
NOMINEE FOR HER ROLE IN THE NEW MOVIE "I CARE A LOT."
IT PREMIERES FRIDAY ON NETFLIX, SAY HELLO TO ROSAMUND PIKE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HELLO, ROSAMUND, HOW ARE YOU?
>> HI, JIMMY. JIMMY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Jimmy: THANKS FOR JOINING US.
>> IT WAS NICE TO SEE MY WIFE ON THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.
>> Jimmy: YES, SHE WAS HERE, SHE WAS HERE IN PERSON.
YOU'RE IN PRAGUE, RIGHT?
>> I'M IN PRAGUE, YEAH, WHERE I'VE BEEN SINCE SEPTEMBER 2019.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN PRAGUE?
WHAT KIND OF A ROOM IS THAT YOU'RE IN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I KNOW, IT'S NOT A SAUNA, LET ME REASSURE YOU, OTHERWISE I'D
BE VERY INAPPROPRIATELY DRESSED. WHICH MANY PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK
I AM IN A SAUNA, FULLY DRESSED. IT'S A KIND OF BUNKER, IT IS A
SORT OF BUNKER. A PANDEMIC GOING ON, SO.
>> Jimmy: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN PRAGUE?
>> 18 MONTHS, I THINK.
>> Jimmy: 18 MONTHS, WOW. SO YOUR FAMILY IS THERE WITH YOU?
>> YEAH, I MOVED EVERYONE. WE ALL CAME.
>> Jimmy: HOW OLD ARE YOUR KIDS?
>> I'VE GOT AN 8‐YEAR‐OLD AND 6‐YEAR‐OLD.
>> Jimmy: ARE THEY ENJOYING PRAGUE?
>> YES, THEY ARE. YOU KNOW, IT'S A CITY OF CULTURE
AND A CITY OF OPPORTUNITY, AND YOU KNOW, IT'S GOT ‐‐ WE'RE IN
CENTRAL EUROPE, IT'S PERFECT FOR ROAD TRIPS.
>> Jimmy: I SEE.
>> YOU KNOW, WE'VE DONE SOME KIND OF INTERESTING EXPLORATORY
VENTURES IN THE VICINITY.
>> Jimmy: WHAT'S INTERESTING TO DO AROUND THERE?
>> WELL, I MEAN, THERE'S THE REGULAR USUAL SUSPECTS LIKE
SKATEBOARDING AND BIKING AND SLEDGING, NOW THAT IT'S SNOWED.
ACTUALLY, LAST SUMMER, I TOOK THEM ON WHAT I HAVE HEARD IS A
VERY WHOLESOME AND TRADITIONAL CZECH ACTIVITY TO DO WITH KIDS,
TO GO RIVER RAFTING.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> THERE'S A LOVELY TOWN, WE WENT, AND IT'S THIS BEAUTIFUL
STRETCH OF RIVER, THERE ARE RAPIDS AND WEIRS.
AND I SORT OF TOOK MY TWO BOYS OUT ON THIS INFLATABLE RAFT.
AND IT WAS IDYLLIC. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WATER RATS
AND KINGFISHERS AND SNAKES. BUT WHAT I UNDERESTIMATED WAS
THE FACT THAT IT'S ALSO A VERY POPULAR CZECH PASTIME FOR STAG
DOs AND HEN NIGHTS OR HEN DAY.
>> OH, WE CALL THEM BACHELORETTE, BACHELOR PARTY,
YEAH.
>> BACHELORETTE, BACHELOR PARTY. BOOZE CRUISE.
WHATEVER LABEL YOU PUT ON IT.
>> Jimmy: DID THE KIDS LIKE THAT?
>> THEY LOVED IT, JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE WERE TRAVELING ALONG, WE CAME ACROSS A GROUP OF SCANTILY CLAD
GIRLS WEARING ‐‐ I SOUND LIKE A PRUDE, I'M NOT A PRUDE AS YOU
KNOW FROM MY FILMS. BUT I A GROUP OF WOMEN WITH
BIKINIS AND A VERY LARGE, INFLATABLE MAN WITH A HUGE
ERECTION.
>> Jimmy: OH!
>> TRAILING BEHIND THEM IN THE BOAT. MY KIDS WERE FASCINATED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN THIS MAN WAS BEING LOBBED THROUGH THE AIR AND SENT ON TO
THE NEIGHBORING BOAT, WHICH WAS FULL OF ‐‐ I MEAN, I PROMISE
YOU, I'VE NEVER SEEN DRUNKER HUMAN BEINGS THAN I SAW IN THIS
BOAT ‐‐ MEN WHO STOOD UP AND IMMEDIATELY FELL FLAT.
THEN ONE WHO STUMBLES OVER THE EDGE, GOT COMPLETELY DRENCHED IN
MUD, AND THEN CLAMBERED BACK INTO THE BOAT, SPLATTERING ALL
THE GIRLS WITH MUD. MY KIDS HAVE NEVER STOPPED
ACTING DRUNK EVER SINCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THEY'RE EMULATING THIS NOW?
>> THEY'RE EMULATING THIS. THIS IS CLEARLY WHAT ADULTS DO,
THIS IS OUR FUTURE, WE'D BETTER START.
THEY'RE RIGHT, IT'S VERY FUNNY, VERY FUNNY.
>> Jimmy: YOUR KIDS DID SOMETHING, THEY POSTED THIS ON
INSTAGRAM. THIS IS CALLED "TOOTHPASTING."
THIS IS A CHART.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YOUR CHILDREN REVIEWED VARIOUS FLAVORS OF TOOTHPASTE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEY DID. BECAUSE THERE COMES A POINT IN
YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE NEWS IT'S NOT ALL
ABOUT BUBBLE GUM AND STRAWBERRY FLAVOR, RIGHT?
THERE'S THIS AWFUL TRANSITION WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE FROM THE SWEET
WORLD OF CHILDHOOD INTO THE REALITY OF ADULTHOOD, WHICH IS
MENTHOL AND FLUORIDE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> STERN, STERN DENTAL STUFF. SO I THOUGHT, WE NEED TO KIND
OF ‐‐ I WAS A BIT LATE, I THINK THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT AROUND
AGE 6 AND I'VE GOT AN 8‐YEAR‐OLD.
>> Jimmy: THESE ARE THE REVIEWS YOUR CHILDREN GAVE.
I'M GOING TO HIGHLIGHT SOME OF THEM.
THIS TOOTHPASTE CALLED SIGNAL, NOT SPICY, VERY CALM. OKAY.
THIS ONE IS CALLED ‐‐ OH, THIS IS COLGATE TRIPLE FRESH ACTION.
LOVELY, SPAGHETTI MINTY BREATH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ODOL COOL FRESH. WE DON'T HAVE THAT ONE OUT HERE.
IT LOOKS PRETTY BUT THE TASTE IS HORRIBLE, TASTES LIKE TOXIC
FARTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
NEXT ONE, THE TEXTURE TASTES LIKE I'M EATING PAINT, DONE.
OKAY. I'M CURIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE. ONE OF YOUR KIDS WROTE, IT
TASTES LIKE I'M BITING OFF A BULL'S PEANUTS, BUBBLY!
WAS PEANUTS THE WORD?
>> PEANUTS IS THE SAME WORD THE INFLATABLE MAN HAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: FINALLY, LIPSAN IT, IT TASTES LIKE I'M EATING A
PIGEON'S BUTTOCKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S NICE THAT CHILDREN DON'T FEEL ‐‐ THEY DON'T NECESSARILY
KNOW WHAT AN ADJECTIVE HAS TO BE.
WHY CAN'T TOOTHPASTE BE STRETCHY OR BE LIKE SPAGHETTI?
WE HAMPER THEM ALL THE TIME.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY WERE VERY DESCRIPTIVE.
I THINK I UNDERSTAND, BASED ON THAT CHART, WHICH ONE I WOULD
NOT TRY, FOR SURE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHICH ONE WOULD YOU GO FOR? THERE WAS ONE I THINK THEY SAID
100% I'M DONE, I'M USING THIS ONE.
>> Jimmy: I THINK THEY SAID COLGATE WAS THE ONE, YEAH.
COLGATE WAS THE ONE.
>> AND IT'S CHEAP, SO YOU KNOW, I'M PRICE SENSITIVE, IT'S
PERFECT FOR ME.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR GOLDEN GLOBE FOR BEST ACTRESS IN
A COMEDY OR MUSICAL. THIS IS A COMEDY BUT IT'S A VERY
DARK COMEDY. ALSO, THERE'S A LOT OF ACTION IN
THIS FILM.
>> THERE IS, THERE IS.
>> Jimmy: YOU ARE ‐‐ YOU GO OVER A BRIDGE KIND OF DEAL OR RAVINE
INTO A BODY OF WATER, AND THAT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT WAS FUN.
BECAUSE THAT DID LOOK LIKE IT WAS ‐‐ WAS THAT YOU IN THE WATER?
>> THAT WAS ME IN THE WATER. WE ACTUALLY ‐‐ IT WAS IN A CAR.
THE CAR WENT OVER INTO THE ‐‐ OVER THE CLIFF IN BOSTON,
MASSACHUSETTS. I ALSO SPRANG FROM THE WATER IN
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS. THE WATER TANK STUFF WAS FILMED
IN LONDON.
>> Jimmy: OH. OH, WOW.
>> I HAD TWO DAYS, TWO DAYS OF FILMING IN A CAR, UNDERWATER,
WHERE IT'S ALL FOR REAL. MY CHARACTER IS FIGHTING FOR HER
LIFE AND TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM A SINKING CAR.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH.
>> WHICH IS PROBABLY EVERYBODY'S WORST, WORST NIGHTMARE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IT'S ONE OF THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALSO ADD TO THAT, YOU'VE ALSO BEEN DRUGGED AND GOT HALF A
BOTTLE OF VODKA DOWN YOU. BACK ON THE RIVER, OBVIOUSLY.
>> Jimmy: WELL, IT'S A GOOD MOVIE, IT'S CALLED "I CARE A
LOT." IT PREMIERES FRIDAY ON NETFLIX.
THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US. THANKS FOR STAYING UP SO LATE.
THANK YOUR KIDS FOR ALL THE GREAT TOOTHPASTE REVIEWS.
>> WELL, YEAH. I'M NOT AFFILIATED WITH ANY
BRAND, BUT I'M AVAILABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ROSAMUND PIKE, EVERYONE. BE BACK WITH NAV!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HIS MIXTAPE IS CALLED "EMERGENCY TSUNAMI."
WITH HELP FROM GUNNA,
PERFORMING "YOUNG WHEEZY," NAV!
♪
♪ THEY FRESH OUT A COFFIN
DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TALKING GOT POWER LIKE AUSTIN ♪
♪ THEY CAP WITH A GOWN
THESE RAPPERS IS EXHAUSTING SHE GONE COST EM ♪
♪ THEY WET LIKE A FAUCET
I LOOK LIKE A FOUNTAIN GET TEXAS LIKE AUSTIN
IN L. A. WE GOLFIN ♪
♪ CAN'T TAKE NO MORE LOSSES
AND WE STEADY COUNTIN I PUT EM IN OFFICE AND ♪
♪ THEN GET A CROWN
I'M DRENCHED LIKE A DOLPHIN THE FRESHEST IN TOWN ♪
♪ RACKS IN
I WALK IN MAXFIELD AND SPLURGING AGAIN ♪
♪ MIXING UP CRUSH LIKE
IT'S JUICE AND THE GIN ♪
♪ STICKING UP LOOSENING
I WENT TO HOUSTON WITH TRAVIS I'M LIT ♪
♪ I DONE GOT RICH BUT
I STILL AIN'T A LICK TAKE A PERC 30
WHENEVER I'M SICK ♪
♪ IT COST A 30
I AIN'T EVEN 30 FN HOLD A 30 ♪
♪ BLUE TIPS IN DA CLIP
WIDE BODY SWERVING ROLLS ROYCE THAT FOR CERTAIN ♪
♪ HER GAME URGENT
I BUST ON HER LIP WE THE BIG DOGS AND THESE LIL SHRIMP ♪
♪ VEGAS I SPENT 20K
ON THE STRIP NEIGHBORHOOD BLUE ON ♪
♪ THE VETTE THAT'S FOR NIP
THAT GAME OFF THE RIP ♪
♪ THEY FRESH OUT A COFFIN
DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TALKING GOT POWER LIKE AUSTIN
THEY CAP WITH A GOWN ♪
♪ THESE RAPPERS EXHAUSTIN
THAT HOE SHE GONE COST EM THEY WET LIKE A FAUCET
I LIKE A FOUNTAIN ♪
♪ DRINK TEXAS LIKE AUSTIN
IN L. A. WE GOLFIN CAN'T TAKE NO MORE LOSSES
AND WE STEADY COUNTIN ♪
♪ I PUT EM IN OFFICE AND
THEN GET A CROWN I'M DRENCHED LIKE A DOLPHIN
THE FRESHEST IN TOWN ♪
♪ CAME OUT THE JUNGLE
WITH TIGERS AND APES CAN'T BELIEVE CASH'S
STUDIO IS COVERED IN BAPE ♪
♪ COST A ARM AND A LEG
JUST TO SEE ME PERFORM ♪
♪ SPEAKING THE TRUTH CAUSE
I AIN'T GOOD AT LYING AND I NEVER PLAY GOLF
BUT I STILL KEEP MY IRON ♪
♪ CALL UP SOME VIBES
I GOT NOTHING BUT DIMES SHE GAVE ME SOME BRAIN
I GOT PIECE OF HER MIND ♪
♪ PULL UP TO FUNCTIONS
MY NAME ON THE BANNER STILL WALKING THROUGH THE
BACK DOOR WITH MY HAMMER ♪
♪ TOLD THESE LIL BOYS THAT
THEY DON'T WANT NO SMOKE HAD TO AIM AT HIS LEGS
CAN'T GET CAUGHT UP ON CAMERA ♪
♪ GOT ME A BADDIE
WHEN SHE GIVE ME SLOPPY SHE TIE UP HER HAIR
WITH A GUCCI BANDANA COME BETWEEN ME AND
MY BLUES AND GET HANDLED ♪
♪ I KNOW ME SAME DANGEROUS
CRIPS FROM ATLANTA IF I RUN INTO A PROBLEM
WITH CAKE I PUT POTS ♪
♪ ON THE STOVE AND
I WHIP UP THE BATTER SPEAK ON MY NAME IMA PULL
UP ON YOU ALL YOU PEOPLE ♪
♪ GONE RUN WHEN THE SHOTS
START TO SPLATTER STAYED ON MY GRIND AND ♪
♪ I BEEN MAKING NOISE AND
I STILL FIND A WAY HOW TO TUNE OUT THE CHATTER
CATCHING YOU ‐‐ IS LIKE CATCHING THE OPPS ♪
♪ I JUST PULL AND SHOOT
RIGHT AT HER THEY FRESH OUT A COFFIN
DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TALKING ♪
♪ GOT POWER LIKE AUSTIN
THEY CAP WITH A GOWN THESE RAPPERS EXHAUSTIN
SHE GONE COST EM ♪
♪ THEY WET LIKE A FAUCET
I LIKE A FOUNTAIN DRINK TEXAS LIKE AUSTIN
IN LA WE GOLFIN ♪
♪ CAN'T TAKE NO MORE LOSSES
AND WE STEADY COUNTIN I PUT EM IN OFFICE ♪
♪ AND THEN GET A CROWN
I'M DRENCHED LIKE A DOLPHIN THE FRESHEST IN TOWN ♪
♪
♪ YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK WILL ARNETT, ROSAMUND PIKE,
MARK HAMILL, NAV AND GUNNA. APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT. SO BUNDLE UP, AND TAKE IT IN.
THANKS FOR WATCHING. GOOD NIGHT.