>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE."
TONIGHT, MICHELLE PFEIFFER, GEORGE LOPEZ, AND MUSIC FROM
ARLO PARKS. AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
>> Jimmy: HI, EVERYONE. WELL, THANK YOU. I AM JIMMY.
I'M THE HOST. THANKS FOR WATCHING.
THANKS FOR JOINING US. AS WE BARREL INTO THE END OF THE
FIRST MONTH OF 2021. IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT
HINDSIGHT REALLY IS "2020" FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HUMAN HISTORY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING, GUILLERMO?
>> Guillermo: YES, JIMMY, YES.
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING? HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
>> Guillermo: I'M A LITTLE BIT TIRED.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS GUILLERMO'S 50th BIRTHDAY LAST NIGHT.
HE KILLED THREE‐QUARTERS OF A BOTTLE OF DON JULIO. AT WORK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DID YOU HAVE MORE AT HOME?
>> Guillermo: NO, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WENT HOME?
>> Guillermo: WHEN I GOT HOME, THEY WERE WAITING FOR ME, WE CUT
THE CAKE, AND THEN ‐‐
>> Jimmy: NO FOOD NO DINNER?
>> Guillermo: NO, NO GOOD.
>> Jimmy: WENT RIGHT TO CAKE?
>> Guillermo: YEAH, I COULDN'T EAT ANY MORE.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU AND YOUR WIFE MAKE LOVE OR DID YOU FALL ASLEEP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Guillermo: JIMMY, I FALL ASLEEP, I COULDN'T PERFORM.
>> Jimmy: I PREDICTED IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I PREDICTED THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Guillermo: TONIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: GIVE ME AN UPDATE, CALL ME TOMORROW, LET ME KNOW
HOW IT WENT.
>> Guillermo: I'LL FACETIME WITH YOU.
>> Jimmy: THERE IS SNOW ON THE GROUND ACROSS MUCH OF THE
COUNTRY. JUST IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
EVERYONE YOU KNOW POSTING THAT ON INSTAGRAM.
THERE'S EVEN BEEN SNOW IN PLACES WHERE IT ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS.
THERE WAS SNOW IN VEGAS, PHOENIX, AND PALM SPRINGS.
WHENEVER I HEAR IT'S SNOWING IN VEGAS, MY FIRST THOUGHT IS "WOW.
CRISS ANGEL HAS DONE IT AGAIN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN NORTH CAROLINA, NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE SNOW ON THE GROUND,
THEY HAVE ALIENS IN THE SKY. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THIS WAS SEEN JUST OUTSIDE OF CHARLOTTE, A MYSTERIOUS STRING
OF BLUE LIGHTS, A UFO, OR UFOs, NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
WE MAY HAVE TO LURE MIKE PENCE OUT OF RETIREMENT TO BRING IN
THE SPACE FORCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOVE UFO SIGHTINGS. I KNOW THEY'RE ALMOST ALWAYS
NOTHING, BUT THEY EXCITE ME. IT'S ALSO A GOOD WAY TO FIND OUT
WHEN A STATE FINALLY LEGALIZED WEED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S ANOTHER UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENON.
THIS WAS POSTED TO REDDIT WITH THE TITLE "PORCH PIRATE EXPLAINS
HIS JOB."
IT'S VIDEO OF A MAN WHO APPEARS TO BE IN THE ACT OF TAKING A
PACKAGE, AND THIS GUY, I'VE SEEN SOME SMOOTH CRIMINALS IN MY
LIFE, BUT THIS ONE HAS WHAT I BELIEVE WHAT THEY CALL A SILVER
TONGUE.
>> HEY, I WAS JUST ‐‐ I'M WITH U.P.S., UH ‐‐ I'M WITH U. P. S., I
WAS GOING TO BRING TO IT YOUR NEIGHBORS.
WE DO A ROUND EVERY ‐‐ TO EVERYBODY TO MAKE SURE THAT
YOU'RE ‐‐ IF YOU'RE NOT HOME WE'LL TAKE YOUR NEIGHBORS OR
WHATEVER ‐‐ I'M AN AUDITOR FOR U.P.S., SWEAR TO GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I ‐‐ I SWEAR TO GOD. ALL THE REAL U. P. S. GUYS SAY
"SWEAR TO GOD" WHEN THEY GO AROUND EVERY PLACE TO MAKE
SURE ‐‐ IF YOU'RE NOT HOME ‐‐ I WATCHED THE VIDEO LIKE 25 TIMES
TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND AS UNLIKELY AS IT MIGHT SOUND, WE LOOKED IT UP, AND,
TURNS OUT THIS PACKAGE AUDIT SERVICE IS A REAL U. P. S. THING.
>> AT THE UNITED PARCEL SERVICE, OUR AUDITORS ARE WORKING HARD
FOR YOU. THEY ‐‐ THEY WERE ‐‐ THEY WERE
JUST ‐‐ UGH ‐‐ WITH U. P. S. ‐‐ UH ‐‐ THEY'RE WITH U. P. S.
THEY WERE GOING TO ‐‐ WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS.
THEY GO AROUND EVERY ‐‐ UH ‐‐ TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT HOPE.
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR NEIGHBORS ‐‐ WHATEVER ‐‐ THEY'RE AN AUDITOR
WITH U. P. S., SWEAR TO GOD.
>> I'M AN AUDITOR WITH U. P. S., SWEAR TO GOD.
>> U. P. S. AUDITORS, WE'RE TOTALLY LEGIT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL?
>> PLEASE DON'T TASE US.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S HARD TO BE A PORCH PIRATE NOWADAYS,
EVERYBODY'S AT HOME. PEOPLE ARE HUNKERED DOWN.
AND SMOKING AGAIN. CIGARETTE SALES WERE PLUMMETING
BEFORE THE PANDEMIC, BUT OVER THE PAST YEAR, PEOPLE ARE BACK
UP AND PUFFING. OF COURSE THEY ARE.
YOU GIVE US THIS MUCH TIME TO REWATCH "MAD MEN," WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY THING MORE DANGEROUS THAN SMOKING DURING A PANDEMIC
IS, IT TURNS OUT, SINGING. SINGING. THIS IS INTERESTING.
RESEARCHERS IN JAPAN HAVE DISCOVERED THAT SINGING IN
CERTAIN LANGUAGES SPREADS COVID FASTER THAN OTHERS.
ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS LANGUAGES TO SING IN IS GERMAN,
WHICH OF COURSE IT IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A GERMAN LULLABY?
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE CALLING IN A BOMB THREAT.
"GUTEN ABEND UND GUTE NACHT!" REMEMBER THAT SONG
"99 LUFT BALLOONS?" BY NENA? EVERYONE WHO HANDLED ONE OF
THOSE BALLOONS IS DEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE ARE DEPRESSED. DOCTORS SAY THE PANDEMIC IS
CAUSING A SURGE OF "SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER."
WHICH IS THE TENDENCY FOR PEOPLE TO FEEL MORE DEPRESSED DURING
WINTER. MAYBE THAT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE
IT'S WINTER. YOU KNOW? IT IS WINTERTIME.
MY NEW PANDEMIC RITUAL, AND I ENCOURAGE YOU TO TRY THIS AT
HOME, EVERY MORNING, I OPEN THE SPICE CABINET, I UNSCREW A JAR
OF NUTMEG AND I TAKE A BIG BREATH, AND THAT'S WHY I'M SO
DELIGHTFUL ALL THE TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS MORNING, MY WIFE AND I HAD AN ARGUMENT.
IT'S AN ARGUMENT WE'VE HAD BEFORE.
SHE BELIEVES THAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE, AND I WAS UNCONSCIOUS, SHE
COULD PICK ME UP AND CARRY ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I KNOW THAT SHE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT, BECAUSE I
WEIGH LIKE 60 MORE POUNDS THAN SHE DOES.
BUT SHE THINKS THE ADRENALINE WOULD KICK IN AND TURN HER INTO
THE HULK OR SOMETHING. SO THIS MORNING I SAID, ALL
RIGHT, LET'S TRY IT. I LAID LIMP ON THE BED.
LIKE GUILLERMO.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M LIMP ON THE BED. I LET HER PICK ME UP.
WE BASICALLY HAD A FIRE DRILL. SHE WAS ON TOP OF ME, GRUNTING,
STRAINING, AND TRYING TO SAVE MY LIFE.
FINALLY SHE GETS ME OFF THE BED, ONTO THE GROUND.
DUMPS ME ON THE GROUND. DRAGS ME BY MY PANT LEGS ACROSS
THE WOOD FLOOR. WHILE I PRETENDED TO BE OUT COLD.
THIS WAS AT 9:00 THIS MORNING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS WHAT WE WERE DOING. ANYWAY. WHERE WERE WE?
OH, THE MONOLOGUE, YES, OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ONE OF THE BENEFITS OF A NEW ADMINISTRATION IS THAT WE NOW
HAVE ROOM TO SHINE A LIGHT ON SOME OF THE OTHER BUFFOONS IN
WASHINGTON. MEN LIKE SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM,
WHO, DURING AN APPEARANCE ON THE LAURA INGRAHAM SHOW LAST NIGHT,
SEEMED TO GET CAUGHT WITH HIS FINGER IN THE BOOGIE JAR.
>> HERE NOW, SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM.
>> Jimmy: WHOA! LET'S TAKE ONE MORE LOOK AT THAT.
YEAH. HE WASN'T PICKING HIS NOSE, HE
WAS JUST IN THERE SEARCHING FOR ELECTION FRAUD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS INTERESTING. I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED BY THIS.
MORE THAN 30,000 REPUBLICAN VOTERS HAVE CHANGED THEIR
REGISTRATION SINCE JANUARY 6th, THE CAPITOL RIOTS.
THEY ACTIVELY EXITED THE PARTY. WHICH MAKES SENSE, BUT THE
UNSETTLING THING IS, DID THEY LEAVE BECAUSE IT'S GETTING TOO
CRAZY, OR BECAUSE IT'S NOT CRAZY ENOUGH? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S WEIRD THAT THIS WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S
BACK, AFTER FOUR YEARS OF PRESIDENT RONALD McFONDLE.
BUT IT WAS. 2021 HAS NOT BEEN A GREAT YEAR
FOR DONALD TRUMP SO FAR. THIS IS THE LOBBY OF THE TRUMP
HOTEL IN D. C., SHOT YESTERDAY. TOTALLY VACANT.
LIKE A STROLL THROUGH ERIC'S HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S JUST ‐‐ I MEAN, THERE ARE NO CUSTOMERS IN THE HOTEL ‐‐
OH MY GOODNESS. LOOK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IS THAT THOSE TWO SWEET LITTLE GIRLS?
OLD DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN VERY QUIET SINCE TWITTER SAID GO AWAY.
TODAY CONGRESSMAN KEVIN McCARTHY MADE A VISIT TO WHAT APPEARS TO
BE SADDAM HUSSEIN'S WHOREHOUSE ‐‐ OH, NO, WAIT,
THAT'S MAR‐A‐LAGO, TRUMP'S TASTEFULLY DECORATED HOME.
THIS KEVIN McCARTHY, HE MIGHT BE THE WORST McCARTHY EVER.
HE MIGHT BE ON TRUMP'S BAD SIDE
SAYING TRUMP DESERVES SOME OF THE BLAME.
HE SAID, NO, I SAID HE DESERVES A PLANE, NOT THE BLAME.
MATT GAETZ, CONGRESSMAN FROM FLORIDA, WENT TO WYOMING TO LEAD
A RALLY AGAINST LIZ CHENEY, ONE OF THE FEW REPUBLICAN SENATORS
WHO STOOD UP TO TRUMP. HE BROUGHT SERIOUS FIREPOWER
WITH HIM, LIVE SPEAKERPHONE ACTION FROM DJTJ HIMSELF.
>> HOW ABOUT A WORD FROM DONALD TRUMP JR.? THE PEOPLE OF WYOMING.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WYOMING, IT SEEMS LIKE BASED ON THE NUMBERS THAT MATT JUST
TALKED ABOUT, IT SEEMS LIKE LIZ CHENEY'S FAVORABLES THERE ARE
ONLY SLIGHTLY WORSE THAN HER FATHER'S SHOOTING SKILLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: GOOD ONE, JUNIOR. GO TAKE A VICTORY LAP AROUND THE
COUCH. DICK CHENEY WOULD EAT YOU LIKE A
BALLPARK FRANK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE IS A LOT OF INFIGHTING GOING ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE
AISLE. THE CHAIR OF THE RNC, RONNA McDANIEL, SAID REPUBLICANS
HAVE TO STOP ATTACKING EACH OTHER, AND GET BACK TO ATTACKING
OUR DEMOCRACY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE ALSO TRIED TO DISTANCE THE PARTY FROM Q‐ANON.
SHE SAID IT'S "BEYOND FRINGE" AND "DANGEROUS."
Q‐ANON IS SO DANGEROUS, IN FACT, REPUBLICANS IN THE HOUSE JUST
PUT THEIR SCREWIEST, Q‐IEST MEMBER ON THE EDUCATION AND
LABOR COMMITTEE, THAT IS, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE OF
GEORGIA. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THIS
PERSON IS, I WISH I DIDN'T TOO. SHE IS THE "LADY" WHO, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, CALLED FOR
NANCY PELOSI'S EXECUTION, CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN'S IMPEACHMENT ON
HIS FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, AND BELIEVES OUR FORMER GOVERNOR,
JERRY BROWN, USED SPACE LASERS TO SET THE WILDFIRES HERE.
SHE SAW THE "AUSTIN POWERS" MOVIE AND THOUGHT IT WAS A
DOCUMENTARY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MARJORIE ALSO CALLED SOME OF THE TERRIBLE SCHOOL SHOOTINGS WE
HAD, "FALSE FLAG" OPERATIONS, MEANING THE PERPETRATORS WEREN'T
WHO WE THINK THEY WERE, AND HERE SHE IS STALKING AND HARASSING A
CHILD, NOT LONG AFTER HE WATCHED HIS FRIENDS GET SLAUGHTERED IN
SCHOOL.
>> YOU WERE PROTECTED BY SECURITY GUARDS WITH GUNS.
YOU KNOW THAT? WHAT PROTECTS A YOU FROM A BAD
GUY WITH A GUN IS A GOOD GUY WITH A GUN.
YOU'RE ATTACKING OUR SECOND AMENDMENT.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, NO WORDS. NOTHING TO SAY. SAD.
I'M A GUN OWNER, I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, AND I HAVE NOTHING, BUT
THIS GUY WITH HIS GEORGE SOROS FUNDING AND HIS MAJOR LIBERAL
FUNDING HAS GOT EVERYTHING. I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S WHERE WE ARE. HE'S A COWARD.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, THE COWARD SHE'S YELLING AT THERE IS A
TEENAGER, DAVID HOGG, ACTIVIST. SHE REFERRED TO HIM ONLINE AS
LITTLE HITLER. I WONDER HOW IT WOULD GO OVER
WITH FOX NEWS AND TED CRUZ IF NANCY PELOSI CALLED FOR MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREENE TO BE EXECUTED AND CALLED A TEENAGE KID HITLER.
THINK THEY'D HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?
IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND AND MOST OF THEM HAVE NOTHING TO
SAY, INSTEAD THEY ASSIGNED HER TO THE EDUCATION COMMITTEE.
HOPING SHE WOULD GET ONE? I DON'T KNOW.
THERE ARE A LOT OF MAGA LOONEY TUNES, A LOT OF THEM GOT
ASSIGNED TO COMMITTEES.
>> HAILED AS GROUNDBREAKING, BUT THE CHOICE OF INTERPRETER HAS
MANY PEOPLE SCRATCHING THEIR HEADS TODAY.
>> TODAY'S INTERPRETER, HEATHER, IS JOINING US VIRTUALLY.
>> HEATHER IS A BIG‐TIME TRUMP SUPPORTER.
♪ YMCA
>> Jimmy: I LIKE THAT. I LIKE THAT SHE HAS TO SAY
WHATEVER JOE BIDEN SAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY CREATED A SPECIAL CORNER OF HELL FOR HER.
HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS STORY ABOUT GAMESTOP AND THE
STOCK MARKET? GAMESTOP, IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IS
A VIDEO GAME STORE, AND, LIKE A LOT OF BUSINESSES, THEY'VE BEEN
STRUGGLING BECAUSE OF COVID, BUT ALSO BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE NOW BUY
GAMES ONLINE. AND YET, DESPITE A SHARP DECLINE
IN SALES, OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS, THEIR STOCK PRICE HAS
GROWN BY 8,000%. BECAUSE A BUNCH OF AMATEUR
INVESTORS, AND MAYBE EVEN SOME RUSSIAN DISRUPTERS, WHO ARE PART
OF A REDDIT COMMUNITY CALLED "WALL STREET BETS" DECIDED TO
BUY A BUNCH OF GAMESTOP STOCK TO DRIVE UP THE PRICE UP, AND SCREW
OVER THE HEDGE FUND GUYS. WHO HAD SHORTED THE STOCK.
NOW THE HEDGE FUND GUYS ARE UPSET AND THEY'RE PUSHING FOR AN
INVESTIGATION. THEY'RE LIKE, "WE CAN'T HAVE A
BUNCH OF RANDOS ON REDDIT MANIPULATING THE MARKET, THAT'S
WHAT WE DO! THEY'RE STEALING OUR THING!
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S VERY CONFUSING, BUT I THINK I CAME UP WITH A GOOD ANALOGY.
IT'S BASICALLY LIKE ONE OF THOSE HIGH SCHOOL MOVIES, WHERE ALL
THE POPULAR FOOTBALL PLAYERS BET THAT THE WEIRD GIRL AT SCHOOL
WILL NEVER BECOME PROM QUEEN. AND THEN THE NERDS FIND OUT
AND THEY USE THEIR COMPUTERS TO MAKE THE WEIRD GIRL PROM QUEEN.
THEN THE JOCKS HAVE TO PAY UP. THEN THE GIRL USES HER PSYCHIC
POWERS TO KILL EVERYONE. EXCEPT FREDDIE PRINZE JR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT? SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I SAID IT WAS CONFUSING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOR MOST PEOPLE IT IS, SO WE GOT IN TOUCH WITH AN EXPERT TO
EXPLAIN IT. AND WE WERE ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE
WHO KNOWS A LOT ABOUT MONEY AND VIDEO GAMES, AND HE'S JOINING US
NOW FROM ‐‐
>> OH, BUENO SERA!
>> Jimmy: BUENO SERA TO YOU, MARIO.
BY THE WAY, WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME?
>> LOPEZ.
>> Jimmy: LOPEZ? LIKE MARIO LOPEZ?
>> YES‐A. THAT'S‐A WHY I‐A DON'T‐A USE‐A
LAST NAME.
>> Jimmy: I SEE. MARIO, CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN
THIS GAMESTOP, REDDIT, STOCK MARKET THING TO US?
>> OF‐A COURSE‐A. ISSA LIKE DEES. OKAY?
YOU HAVE‐A A COIN, YES, AND YOU
SAY, HEY, I LIKE‐A THIS COIN, I WANNA MORE‐A COIN.
WHAT YOU DO? YOU JUMP‐A, YOU HOP‐A, YOU HAVE
TWO COINS, HEY? MAYBE WHOLE LOTTA COINS.
MAYBE EVEN‐A HIDDEN‐A COINS. YES? AND YOU LIKE‐A ‐‐ MAMMA MIA,
LOOKIT ALLA DEEZ COINS‐A!
>> Jimmy: YEAH ‐‐ THAT'S NOT REALLY CLEARING IT UP FOR ME.
BUT CAN I ‐‐ IS IT STILL OKAY TO DO AN ITALIAN STEREOTYPE?
IT'S KIND OF INSULTING, NO?
>> INSULTING? NO. I'MA NO INSULTING.
YOU WANT‐A INSULTING, YOU TALK TO MY, BROTHER LUIGI,
HE'S‐A FILTHY. YOU KNOW‐A HOW ITALIA EES ABOOT
SHAPE?
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> HE'S‐A THE DOG‐A POOP‐A THE BOOT‐A A STEPPED IN.
>> Jimmy: THAT SEEMS VERY OFFENSIVE, MARIO.
>> AH. MY DINNER, SHE'S‐A FINISHED.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> BELLISIMA!
>> Jimmy: THAT LOOKS GOOD. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
>> EESSA TAGILATELLE CON FUNGHI. EH, MUSHROOM PASTA.
I LOVE‐A MUSHROOMS. MMM.
>> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL.
>> NO, I FORGET THE MUSHROOMS, THEY MAKE ME GROW BIG!
OH, MY HEAD!
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU ARE GETTING BIG, YEAH!
>> MY PASTA, IT'S TINY NOW!
>> Jimmy: OH, OKAY, THANK YOU.
>> BUY BLOCKBUST‐A AT FIVE‐A COINS! TRUST‐A ME!
>> Jimmy: OKAY, THANK YOU, MARIO. ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU GO.
DON'T LISTEN TO LEHMAN BROTHERS OR MARIO BROTHERS.
WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW. WE'VE GOT NEW MUSIC FROM ARLO
PARKS AND BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHELLE CIPHER SO STICK AROUND!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. TONIGHT, FROM THE NEW MOVIE
"NO MAN'S LAND," THE VERY FUNNY GEORGE LOPEZ IS WITH US.
THEN LATER, I BELIEVE YOU WILL LIKE THIS.
SHE IS APPLE MUSIC'S UP NEXT ARTIST, HER DEBUT ALBUM,
"COLLAPSED IN SUNBEAMS," COMES OUT AT MIDNIGHT, MUSIC FROM
ARLO PARKS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE'VE GOT NEW SHOWS WITH
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, MAGIC JOHNSON, JAMIE DORNAN,
ROBIN WRIGHT, ROBIN ROBERTS, JENNY SLATE, CHEF CHRIS BIANCO,
KATHRYN HAHN, AND WE'LL HAVE MUSIC FROM RYE, ASH‐NEEKO, AND
BAHAMAS FEATURING THE TESKEY BROTHERS.
GOOD STUFF, PLEASE JOIN US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW OUR FIRST GUEST FROM MANY EXCELLENT PERFORMANCES IN
MANY EXCELLENT FILMS. SHE IS CURRENTLY RECEIVING RAVE
REVIEWS FOR THIS ONE IN THE MOVIE "FRENCH EXIT."
>> I SPOKE TO YOU ABOUT THIS AS A POSSIBILITY FOR SEVEN YEARS.
AND THEN EVENTUALLITY FOR THREE. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO
HAPPEN, FRANCES? WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN?
>> MY PLAN WAS TO DIE BEFORE THE MONEY RAN OUT.
BUT I KEPT ON KEEPING NOT DYING. AND HERE I AM.
>> Jimmy: "FRENCH EXIT" OPENS IN
THEATERS IN NEW YORK AND L. A. ON FEBRUARY 12th.
PLEASE WELCOME MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
>> HI. GOOD.
>> Jimmy: IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU SINCE "GREASE 2," I THINK.
IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU WITH US. HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M DOING GREAT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVEN'T
BEEN ON YOUR SHOW SOONER.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.
I'M ASSUMING YOU DIDN'T WANT TO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO. I ASSUMED THAT I HADN'T BEEN
INVITED.
>> Jimmy: OH. WELL. BELIEVE ME, HEADS WILL ROLL IF
THAT WAS THE CASE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ARE YOU HERE IN L. A., OR ARE YOU IN LOCKDOWN WITH EVERYONE ELSE?
>> I'M ‐‐ YEAH I'M IN L. A. I'M HERE IN MY OFFICE.
AND ‐‐ YEAH. I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SUN SINCE
FEBRUARY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOUR HUSBAND, AND MOST PEOPLE KNOW, IS DAVID E. KELLY,
THE GREAT WRITER, PRODUCER, ET CETERA.
I WAS WONDERING, HAVE YOU AND DAVID EVER BEEN IN A SITUATION
WHERE HE LAID ON THE BED AND PRETENDED TO BE UNCONSCIOUS,
THEN YOU TRIED TO DRAG HIM BY HIS FEET TO SAFETY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> UM ‐‐ NO, ACTUALLY.
>> Jimmy: NO?
>> I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER TRIED THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME?
>> YEAH, AND HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?
>> Jimmy: WELL, I MADE IT. I THINK I ‐‐ I FEEL LIKE,
ACTUALLY, I'LL SUSTAIN MORE INJURIES FROM THE RESCUE EFFORT.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Jimmy: THAN I WILL FROM WHATEVER'S GOING ON.
>> YEAH, I HAD A FEELING, I HAD A FEELING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH. YOU GREW UP IN ORANGE COUNTY NOT
SO FAR FROM DISNEYLAND, RIGHT?
>> CORRECT, YES.
>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU ‐‐ I WONDER THIS.
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME THIS, I GREW UP IN LAS VEGAS, OH DID YOU
GO TO THE CASINOS? DID YOU GO TO DISNEYLAND A LOT,
LIVING NEAR DISNEYLAND?
>> NOT SO MUCH WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
BUT WHEN MY KIDS WHO WERE SMALL, WE WENT QUITE A BIT.
ACTUALLY, I DID GO AS A TEENAGER.
PEOPLE USED TO GO THERE DANCING. YOUR PARENTS ALWAYS FELT LIKE IT
WAS A SAFE PLACE TO LET YOU GO. BECAUSE IT WAS DISNEYLAND.
SO WE DID THAT. AND MY SISTER ACTUALLY WORKED AT
DISNEYLAND. AND ACTUALLY, FOLKLORE IS
ACTUALLY THAT I WORKED AT DISNEYLAND, BUT I DID NOT.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID NOT WORK AT DISNEYLAND, YOUR SISTER WORKED
THERE. WAS SHE ABLE TO LET YOU IN FREE?
>> YES. DEEDEE PFEIFFER.
SHE WAS A GORILLA IN THE PARADE, I BELIEVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> UH‐HUH.
>> Jimmy: THERE'S MY SISTER, THE GORILLA!
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: WELL, THAT'S FUNNY. AND BY THE WAY, AND SHE IS ON
DAVID'S NEW SHOW HERE ON ABC.
>> SHE IS. AND SHE'S HILARIOUS IN IT, I
LOVE HER CHARACTER.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S SOMETHING. THAT'S GOT TO BE WEIRD, A LITTLE
BIT WEIRD, WHEN YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR SISTER ARE WORKING
TOGETHER, AND HE COULD POTENTIALLY KILL HER OFF.
>> YEAH. HE COULD POTENTIALLY KILL HER
OFF. HE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO DO THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ON OCCASION. SO SHE'S PREPARED.
>> Jimmy: I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME SHOWING THIS, BUT I SAW A
COUPLE OF PAINTINGS THAT YOU DID, OIL PAINTINGS THAT YOU DID
ON INSTAGRAM. I THINK THEY'RE VERY GOOD.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS A SELF‐PORTRAIT. AND THIS IS A SELF‐PORTRAIT AS
WELL.
[ APPLAUSE ]
PEOPLE ARE CLAPPING FOR PAINTINGS HERE IN THE ROOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IS THAT SOMETHING ‐‐ I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT YOU HAVE ALL THIS
TALENT AND JUST DISCOVERED IT. IS THIS SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN GOOD AT?
>> IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE I WAS IN ABOUT SIXTH
GRADE. BUT REALLY SPORADICALLY. AND THEN PROBABLY FOR THE LAST
20 YEARS, I'VE BEEN MORE CONSISTENT WITH THE PAINTING.
AND I HAVE TO SAY, I HAD NO DESIRE TO DO A SELF‐PORTRAIT.
I MEAN, THAT'S KIND OF TERRIFYING, TO STUDY YOUR FACE
LIKE THAT. BECAUSE WE DON'T REALLY LOOK
LIKE WE THINK WE LOOK, YOU KNOW?
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> AND WE'RE A BIT DELUSIONAL IN THAT WAY.
BUT I WAS TAKING A CLASS. AND IT WAS A PORTRAIT CLASS.
WELL, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS MY PORTRAIT THAT I WAS GOING TO
HAVE TO PAINT.
>> Jimmy: I SEE.
>> ANYWAY, BUT I KIND OF ‐‐ I KIND OF REALLY LIKE IT.
THE SETUP IS CHALLENGING. IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET THE
SETUP RIGHT. BUT IT'S A BIT FRUSTRATING, BUT
IT'S KIND OF FUN.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR?
ARE YOU GOING FROM A PHOTOGRAPH, OR WHAT?
>> NO, YOU'RE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.
YOU CERTAINLY CAN DO IT FROM A PHOTOGRAPH.
BUT ‐‐ THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> SO YOU HAVE YOUR CANVAS IN FRONT OF YOU, THEN YOU CAN
EITHER HAVE THE MIRROR TO THE SIDE OR THE MIRROR RIGHT ABOVE.
THEN YOU'VE GOT TO STAND IN THE SAME EXACT PLACE, THE LIGHTING
HAS TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME.
>> Jimmy: I SEE, ALL RIGHT, YEAH. WOW, HOW ABOUT THAT.
WHO KNEW YOU COULD DO THIS?
>> WHO KNEW?
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> WHO KNEW?
>> Jimmy: IT'S ALMOST AS IF SOMEONE JUST SAID, YOU KNOW, YOU
COULD BE AN ARTIST BUT YOU'RE TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS MOVIE IS CALLED "FRENCH EXIT," WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MAGIC
TRICK. "THE FRENCH EXIT." WHEN YOU READ A CHARACTER LIKE
THE CHARACTER YOU PLAY IN THIS MOVIE, WHO IS FUNNY AND VICIOUS,
IS THAT LIKE ‐‐ DOES THAT GET YOU EXCITED, KNOWING ‐‐
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT IS SOMETHING THAT STILL EXCITES YOU?
>> YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS EXCITING TO PLAY SOMETHING THAT YOU DO NOT
ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO IN REAL LIFE.
>> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF GREAT WRITING, LET'S SHOW THE CLIP
THAT WE HAVE, BECAUSE I WOULD
LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS.
♪ AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY
OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH ♪
♪ I TAKE A LOOK AT MY LIFE AND
REALIZE THERE'S MUCH LEFT ♪
♪ BECAUSE I BEEN LAUGHING SO
LONG THAT EVEN MY MAMA THINKS MY MIND IS GONE ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S YOU AND KULIO.
>> I LOVE THAT SONG.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A GREAT SONG.
>> SO GOOD. IT'S SO GOOD.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU KNOW GOING IN IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD?
OR DID YOU JUST AGREE TO DO IT BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE SOUNDTRACK?
>> I JUST AGREED TO DO IT BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE SOUNDTRACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> YEAH. I DON'T KNOW THAT I HAD EVEN
HEARD IT BEFORE THAT. BECAUSE ‐‐ YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HAD YOU HEARD KULIO BEFORE THAT?
I DON'T THINK ANY OF US HAD HEARD OF KULIO BEFORE THAT.
>> NO, NO. I'D NEVER DONE A VIDEO BEFORE.
I WAS LIKE, WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? WHO WANTS ME IN A VIDEO?
IT SOUNDED LIKE THE WEIRDEST THING.
>> Jimmy: I WAS WONDERING. BECAUSE TO GET YOU IN THAT
VIDEO, IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS A HUGE DEAL.
THEN TO HAVE SOMEBODY, AN ARTIST THAT NO ONE HAD EVER HEARD OF
BEFORE. AND HIS NAME IS KULIO, WHICH
COULD GO THE WRONG WAY ALSO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU NEVER KNOW. YOU'RE IN WITH KULIO.
DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH?
>> NO, WE DON'T, NO.
>> Jimmy: THAT MAKES ME VERY SAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, THERE'S STILL TIME. LIFE IS SO SHORT.
I THINK THIS PERIOD OF COVID HAS MAZE US REALIZE ‐‐
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Jimmy: WE SHOULD REACH OUT TO THOSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I KNOW, AND I JUST SAW GEORGE CLOONEY WHO I HADN'T SEEN IN GOD
KNOWS HOW MANY YEARS, WHO KNOWS.
>> Jimmy: HE'S PRACTICALLY THE SAME GUY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I HOPE TO SEE YOU IN PERSON
SOMETIME. "FRENCH EXIT" IS THE NEW MOVIE.
IT OPENS IN NEW YORK AND L. A. ON FEBRUARY 12th.
MICHELLE PFEIFFER. THANK YOU, MICHELLE.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Jimmy: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GEORGE LOPEZ.
>> Dicky: PORTIONS OF JIMMY KIMMEL ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
MERCARI. YOUR MARKETPLACE FOR BUYING AND
SELLING ALMOST ANYTHING. FIND US AT MERCARI.COM OR ON THE
APP STORES.
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. MUSIC FROM ARLO PARKS IS COMING
UP. OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN OLD PAL WITH A NEW MOVIE, AND EVEN HIS
OWN LINE OF QUALITY SALSAS. "NO MAN'S LAND" IS IN THEATRES,
DIGITAL PLATFORMS, AND V. O. D.
PLEASE WELCOME GEORGE LOPEZ.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: GEORGE?
>> HOW ARE YOU, BROTHER?
>> Jimmy: GOOD. I LIKE THE WAY YOUR HAIR LOOKS
RIGHT NOW.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN FOR ME OVER THE SUMMER AS
HOST OF THE SHOW.
>> THE NEIGHBORHOOD WAS A LITTLE DICEY, MAN.
>> Jimmy: LET'S LOOK AT YOUR HAIR FROM THAT NIGHT WHEN YOU
WERE ON THE SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HAD A FULL BLOND, BEAUTIFUL BLOND HEAD OF HAIR.
LIKE ZACH FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL."
>> YOU KNOW, THAT NEIGHBORHOOD, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A BLOND
CHICANO WALKING AROUND THAT PLACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DID YOU DO THAT YOURSELF?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, I HAD ROBERT RAMOS WHO DOES JESSICA ALBA,
KELLY CLARKSON, HE'S A CHICANO DUDE.
HE WAS LIKE, IF IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BURNING, LET ME KNOW.
I'M LIKE, ROBERT, MAN, IT FEELS LIKE MY WHOLE HEAD'S ON FIRE.
HE'S LIKE, OH, GOOD, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS WORKING, AND HE
WALKS OFF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL MY AUNTS DID IT AND I WAS THE GUY WHO KEPT THE TIME,
BECAUSE THEY WOULD SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, GEORGIE, IN THREE
MORE SONGS, TELL ME, BECAUSE I GOT TO WASH THIS OFF.
THEN YOU WOULD FORGET. THEY WOULD SAY, IS "JUDGE JUDY"
OVER? YEAH, IT WAS OVER HALF AN HOUR
AGO. THEN THEY'D RUN TO THE YARD AND
DOUSE THEMSELVES WITH THE HOSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THEY'D MEASURE BY SONGS?
>> YEAH, WHEN "ALWAYS AND FOREVER" IS OVER BECAUSE I'LL
BURN MY HAIR.
>> Jimmy: A LITERAL HEAT WAVE GOING ON IN THEIR HEAD.
WHEN YOU WERE A KID, YOU LOVED FREDDIE PRINZE, RIGHT?
I MENTIONED FREDDIE PRINZE JR. A MINUTE AGO.
YOU LOVED HIM, HE WAS YOUR IDOL?
>> YOU KNOW, IT WAS THE ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I SAW
SOMEBODY FOR THE FIRST TIME, I THINK I SAW HIM ON "THE TONIGHT
SHOW WITH JOHNNY CARSON," AND I FELL IN LOVE IMMEDIATELY WITH
HIM.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID. AND HE WAS ‐‐ I LOVED HIM TOO.
AND I LOVED CHICO AND THE MAN. I LOVED THAT SHOW.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN VERY YOUNG WHEN HE ENDED HIS LIFE, RIGHT?
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
>> I WAS ‐‐ I THINK I WAS ‐‐ 17? 16? I WAS IN TENTH GRADE.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> AND THAT MORNING I WAS PRETTY MUCH IN SHOCK, VERY EMOTIONAL.
MY GRANDMOTHER HAD NEVER SEEN MY EMOTIONAL. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'M LIKE, FREDDIE PRINZE DIED. SHE'S LIKE, YOU'RE CRYING FOR
THAT? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, I LOVE
HIM.
>> Jimmy: SHE WAS A TOUGH LADY, YOUR GRANDMOTHER, I REMEMBER YOU
TALKING ABOUT HER, VERY TOUGH. YOU LOVED HIM, YOU WERE A
TEENAGER, AND HE WAS GONE. IS IT SOMETHING YOU WOULD GO
BACK AND WATCH VIDEOS? I MEAN, WE DIDN'T EVEN ‐‐
>> YEAH, I WAS WATCHING CHICO AND THE MAN, THEY TRIED TO
REPLACE HIM WITH A DUDE THEY FOUND ON ALVARO STREET THAT
DIDN'T WORK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE TRAUMATIZED BY THE DEATH OF THIS GUY.
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING YOU CAN'T SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
WHEN MEXICANS GET DRUNK, 50th BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU START
DRINKING, YOU START CRYING. WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?
GUILLERMO'S 50th BIRTHDAY! IT AFFECTED ME EMOTIONALLY.
I WOULD GO TO FOREST LAWN AND VISIT HIS CRYPT.
AND I WOULD JUST KIND OF GO THERE, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE SOME
WEIRD DUDE GOING TO SEE SOME CRYPT.
>> Jimmy: WOW, YOU'D SIT AT HIS GRAVE? WOULD YOU BRING FLOWERS OR
ANYTHING?
>> I'D TAKE FLOWERS AND TALK TO HIM.
ONE TIME I WAS LEANING INTO THE HEADSTONE THERE.
AND THE HEADSTONE WAS ‐‐ I NOTICED THAT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT
LOOSE, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT ‐‐ LIKE IT SHOOK A LITTLE BIT.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> SO I WOULD JUST GO, HEY, AND I WOULD JAR IT BACK AND FORTH.
AND THEN I'D LOOK AROUND, GO OVER THERE, SNAP THAT THING OFF.
SO NOW I HAVE THIS FREDDIE PRINZE HEADSTONE THAT SAYS
"PSALMS 23, WE LOVE YOU, FREDDIE PRINZE."
I'M HOLDING IT, WHAT THE
[ BLEEP ]?
I HAVE THIS THING, PUT IT IN THE BACK OF MY PANTS, I TRY TO WALK
OUT OF FOREST LAWN WITH IT. BUT ANY TIME YOU'RE TRYING TO BE
SEEN, NOBODY WALKS COOL. YOU'RE WALKING, YOU KNOW,
PRETEND I WAS WATERING THE GRASS, YOU KNOW, WALKING AROUND.
AND I HAD IT, AND I KEPT IT, AND I PUT IT BETWEEN MY MATTRESSES
FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS. I SLEPT ‐‐ LIKE MAYBE SOME OF
HIS COMEDIC TIMING WOULD GO THROUGH THAT.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> THE MATTRESS INTO MY HEAD WHEN I WAS SLEEPING.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU STOLE HIS HEADSTONE?
>> I STOLE HIS HEADSTONE, JIMMY. HEY, AND THEN YOU THINK ‐‐ YOU
DON'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT. I GO TO THE STORE, THE
SUPERMARKET. I LOOK DOWN AND "THE GLOBE" HAS
A PICTURE OF HIS MOM AND IT SAYS, "GRAVE ROBBERS ARE TRYING
TO STEAL MY SON."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, NO!
>> POOR LADY! I'M LIKE, DAMN!
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, I HAVE A COUPLE MORE.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK. BE BACK WITH MORE GEORGE LOPEZ
AFTER THIS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WE ARE BACK WITH GEORGE LOPEZ.
HIS NEW MOVIE IS CALLED "NO MAN'S LAND."
IT'S IN THEATERS AND ON V. O. D. RIGHT NOW.
YOU PLAY A TEXAS RANGER IN THIS ONE?
>> I DO, YEAH. THE MOVIE, THE GUY, THE TEXAS
RANGER, DOESN'T SPEAK A LOT OF SPANISH.
HE GOES INTO ‐‐ IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT BECAUSE I CHASE A
WHITE GUY INTO MEXICO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> HE'S TRYING TO ESCAPE INTO MEXICO, I CHASE HIM IN, I DON'T
SPEAK A LOT OF SPANISH. SO THE MOVIE WAS CALLED FOR A
GUY FROM AMERICA, YOU KNOW, SOCIALLY MEXICAN BUT NOT
COMPLETELY MEXICAN, WHO DOESN'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.
I'M LIKE THE PERFECT, THE PERFECT GUY.
I REALIZED, JIMMY, I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH IF I DON'T START THE
CONVERSATION.
>> Jimmy: HUH, INTERESTING.
>> LIKE IF I SAY ‐‐
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
FINE. IF SOMEBODY SAYS ‐‐
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
‐‐ NO.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET BACK TO THIS GRAVE ROBBING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO YOU STOLE THE HEADSTONE. YOU KEPT IT FOR FIVE YEARS.
THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
>> KEPT IT FOR FIVE YEARS, I STILL HAVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO WE MOVED WHEN I WAS MARRIED. ANN COMES TO THE HOUSE, GUESS
WHO LIVES THREE HOUSES UP?
KATHY PRINZ EE, FREDDIE PRINZE' WIDOW.
DO NOT SAY ANYTHING! I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING! THIS IS 25 YEARS LATER.
I GO OVER, THE FIRST THING SHE SAYS TO ME, I'M SO GLAD YOU
WEREN'T TRYING TO STEAL FREDDIE'S BODY, I LOOK AT ANN,
WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] DID YOU DO?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, I WOULDN'T TRY TO STEAL HIS BODY, I WAS JUST TO GET SOME
COMEDY TO RUB OFF ON ME.
>> Jimmy: GEORGE, YOU HAD A RUN‐IN WITH THE AUTHORITIES, YOU
PUT A JOKE ON INSTAGRAM ABOUT TRUMP THAT I THOUGHT WAS SUPER
FUNNY. BUT THE SECRET SERVICE DID NOT.
WHAT WAS THE JOKE? REMIND US.
>> OKAY, ALLEGEDLY THERE WAS AN $80 MILLION BOUNTY ON MR. TRUMP.
AND I SAID, WE'LL DO IT FOR HALF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THE WHOLE WORLD ERUPTED. AND THEN THEY'RE CALLING YOU,
WHAT DID YOU SAY? THAT'S A THREAT.
I'M LIKE, I'M A MEXICAN, THAT'S AN ESTIMATE, THAT'S NOT A
THREAT, THAT'S AN ESTIMATE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN FIND SOMEBODY TO DO IT CHEAPER, HIRE THAT GUY, I'M JUST
TELLING YOU.
>> Jimmy: HOW LONG AFTER THAT DID THE SECRET SERVICE COME TO
VISIT?
>> PROBABLY ABOUT FOUR DAYS.
>> Jimmy: FOUR DAYS LATER.
>> FOUR DAYS LATER. THEY TOLD ME THAT 5,000 PEOPLE
HAD CALLED FOR MY ARREST. I REMEMBER I WATERED THE
HOLLYWOOD STAR, AND I HAD SAID SOME THINGS THAT WERE
INSENSITIVE IN SPECIALS. SO THEY CAME TO REALLY DETERMINE
WHETHER I WAS A THREAT OR NOT TO MR. TRUMP AND WHETHER I WOULD BE
GOING TO THE PENITENTIARY OR STAYING HERE IN LOS ANGELES.
>> Jimmy: AND? YOU GOT TO STAY?
>> I'M STILL HERE. BUT I'M NOT THE GUY YOU WANT A
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FROM. I TRIED TO GET MASSIMO OUT OF
PRISON. THEY'RE LIKE, LISTEN, YOU'RE A
STEP AWAY FROM GOING TO LOMPOC YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DESPITE THE HEINOUS CRIME YOU COMMITTED AS A TEEN,
YOU ACTUALLY ‐‐ I KNOW YOU PAID FOR AND LOBBIED FOR FREDDIE
PRINZE TO GET A STAR ON THE HOL WALK OF FAME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHICH I THINK MAKES UP FOR IT.
>> I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. THAT ‐‐ WHAT ARE THE ODDS I
WOULD EVEN MAKE IT AND THEN BE ABLE TO DO THE STAR?
IT'S JUST A GREAT ‐‐ YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT LIFE.
>> Jimmy: IT IS ONE OF THE CRAZIEST STORIES I'VE EVER HEARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GEORGE LOPEZ, HIS MOVIE IS CALLED "NO MAN'S LAND."
THANK YOU, GEORGE. BE RIGHT BACK WITH ARLO PARKS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. MUSIC FROM ARLO PARKS IS ON THE
WAY. BUT FIRST, A WORD ABOUT OUR FRIENDS AT MERCARI, THE ONLINE
MARKETPLACE CONNECTING MILLIONS OF AMERICANS TO SHOP FOR ALMOST
ANYTHING, FROM HOME DECOR, LAPTOPS, SPEAKERS, TO THIS,
LOOK AT THIS, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
COWBOY ROOSTER BIRDHOUSE. IT'S A BIRDHOUSE IN THE SHAPE OF
A ROOSTER THAT, FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, IS DRESSED LIKE A
COWBOY.
>> Guillermo: I LOVE IT, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: YOU DO? THEN I WILL BUY IT FOR YOU, AS A
BELATED BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
>> Guillermo: THANK YOU, JIMMY. I'M GOING TO NAME HIM COWBOY.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE WELCOME, AND WHAT A CLEVER NAME.
AND TO PAY FOR THE BIRDHOUSE, I AM GOING TO SELL THIS SHIRT WITH
A HUNDRED PICTURES OF MY FACE ON IT. HERE'S HOW IT GOES.
IT'S VERY EASY. JUST TAKE A PHOTO, LIKE SO.
ADD A DESCRIPTION, AND IT'S READY TO SELL AND SHIP.
THERE WE GO. GOOD‐BYE, SHIRT. WOW, IT ALREADY SOLD.
>> Guillermo: JIMMY, I JUST BOUGHT THE PERFECT GIFT FOR YOU
ON MERCARI. DO YOU WANT TO GUESS WHAT IT IS?
>> Jimmy: NO, I WOULDN'T WANT TO SPOIL THE SURPRISE.
>> Dicky: SELL AND BUY ALMOST ANYTHING ON MERCARI.
YOUR MARKETPLACE.
>> Jimmy: WE'LL BE BACK WITH ARLO PARKS!
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: THANKS TO MICHELLE PFEIFFER, GEORGE LOPEZ,
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, BUT FIRST,
HER ALBUM "COLLAPSED IN SUNBEAMS" IS OUT
NOW. MAKING HER NETWORK TELEVISION
DEBUT WITH THE SONG "HURT," ARLO PARKS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
♪ CHARLIE DRANK IT TILL HIS
EYES BURNED THEN FORGOT TO EAT HIS LUNCH
PAIN WAS BUILT ♪
♪ INTO HIS BODY HEART
SO SOFT IT HURT TO BEAT WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY
TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR ONCE ♪
♪ OH WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY
TO FEEL WORTH SOMETHING HUH I KNOW YOU CAN'T
LET GO OF ANYTHING ♪
♪ AT THE MOMENT
JUST KNOW IT WOULD HURT SO
WON'T HURT SO MUCH FOREVER
JUST KNOW IT WOULD HURT SO
WON'T HURT SO MUCH FOREVER CHARLIE MELTS ♪
♪ INTO HIS MATTRESS
WATCHING TWIN PEAKS ON HIS ONES THEN HIS FINGERS ♪
♪ FIND A BOTTLE
WHEN HE STARTS TO MISS HIS MUM WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY ♪
♪ TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR ONCE
OH WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY TO FEEL WORTH SOMETHING HUH
I KNOW YOU CAN'T ♪
♪ LET GO OF ANYTHING
AT THE MOMENT JUST KNOW IT WOULD HURT SO
WON'T HURT SO MUCH FOREVER ♪
♪ CHARLIE STARTED SEEING
WON'T HURT SO MUCH WON'T HURT SO MUCH ♪
♪ CHARLIE STARTED SEEING
STARS SO STUCK ON THE NEW JAI PAUL SAID MY CLOTHES
ARE STICKING TO ME AND I ♪
♪ CAN'T QUITE SEE MY WALLS
STARTED DREAMING OF A HOUSE WITH RED CARNATIONS
BY THE WINDOWS ♪
♪ WHERE HE DIDN'T
FEEL SO SMALL SO OVERWHELMED
BY ALL HIS FLAWS ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU CAN'T LET GO AT THE
MOMENT ♪
♪
♪ JUST KNOW YOU WON'T HURT WON'T
HURT SO MUCH FOREVER ♪
NOTE WON'T HURT SO MUCH WON'T HURT SO MUCH FOREVER ♪
♪ WON'T HURT SO MUCH
♪ I KNOW YOU CAN'T LET GO OF
ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT ♪
♪ JUST KNOW IT WON'T HURT SO
MUCH FOREVER WON'T HURT SO MUCH ♪
♪ WON'T HURT SO MUCH WON'T HURT
SO MUCH ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU CAN'T LET GO OF
ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT ♪
♪ JUST KNOW IT WON'T HURT SO
WON'T HURT SO MUCH FOREVER ♪
♪ WON'T HURT SO MUCH WON'T HURT
SO MUCH FOREVER ♪
♪ WON'T HURT SO MUCH WON'T HURT
SO MUCH ♪