[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
♪ BA DA BA BA DA BA BA DA BA BA
♪ "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" ♪
BACK AT HOME!
>> Jimmy: HELLO THERE AND
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
I'M JIMMY, I'M THE HOST OF THE
SHOW.
WELCOME TO MY HOUSE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, I
DON'T KNOW ABOUT AMERICA YET,
BUT I FEEL GREAT AGAIN.
I REALLY DO.
OH!
>> HAVE A GREAT SHOW, JIMMY, AND
DON'T FORGET YOUR BREAKFAST!
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, CARTOON
BIRDS.
MM, THAT REALLY HIT THE SPOT.
WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
IT WAS INAUGURATION DAY HERE IN
THE USA.
JOSEPH RAPUNZEL BIDEN IS OUR
46th PRESIDENT.
IT FEELS LIKE ‐‐ I HAVE TO
IMAGINE THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE WHEN THE ONCOLOGIST CALLS
AND TELLS YOU THE TUMOR IS
BENIGN.
YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER GOING BACK
TO THE DAY TRUMP WAS
INAUGURATED, SUCH A TERRIBLE
DAY, AND WONDERING, CAN OUR
COUNTRY EVEN SURVIVE FOUR YEARS
OF THIS?
AND NOW WE KNOW THE ANSWER, NOT
REALLY.
JUST BARELY.
BUT WE MADE IT.
MAR‐A‐LARDO LEFT TOWN BRIGHT AND
EARLY THIS MORNING.
HE EXITED THE WHITE HOUSE VIA
ONE OF HIS FAVORITE MODES OF
TRANSPORTATION, WITH THE HELP OF
AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE.
>> DONALD!
HEY, LOOK AT YOU, YOU BIG LUG,
GET IN THERE, COME ON, GAME'S
OVER.
VERY FINE SEATS ON BOTH SIDES.
DRIVER?
GET US THE [ BLEEP ] OUT OF
HERE.
♪ IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA ♪
>> Jimmy: AND HE LIVED GRABBILY
EVER AFTER.
BILLY BUSH ALWAYS GETS THE LAST
LAUGH.
WHAT A DAY.
THERE WAS NO VIOLENCE.
NO "UNREST."
IN FACT, AS FAR AS PROTESTS GO.
THIS WAS ABOUT IT.
ONE GUY SHOWED UP AT THE
NEW YORK STATE CAPITOL.
HE SAID HE DROVE 45 MINUTES TO
STAGE A PROTEST, AND WAS
DISAPPOINTED THAT NO ONE ELSE
SHOWED UP.
WELL, AT LEAST HE'S SOCIAL
DISTANCING.
TODAY THIS COUNTRY SHOWED THE
WORLD THAT THERE IS NO MY PILLOW
LARGE ENOUGH TO SMOTHER OUR
DEMOCRACY.
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL INAUGURATION
CEREMONY.
WE GOT TO HEAR A POEM THAT
WASN'T BORING FROM A BRILLIANT
22‐YEAR‐OLD HERE IN LOS ANGELES
NAMED AMANDA GORMAN.
OUR NEW VICE PRESIDENT, KAMALA
HARRIS, MADE HISTORY.
AS DID HER SECOND LADY, DOUG.
GARTH BROOKS SANG "AMAZING
GRACE" AND THEN RAN AROUND AND
KISSED EVERYBODY, COVID BE
DAMNED.
AND THIS WAS PRETTY GREAT.
TWO WEEKS AGO A BUNCH OF
DANGEROUS IMBECILES WITH DONALD
TRUMP FLAGS TRIED TO OVERTHROW
OUR GOVERNMENT.
TODAY ON THAT VERY SAME SPOT, WE
HAD THE NATIONAL ANTHEM SUNG BY
LADY GAGA.
TO PARAPHRASE MICHELLE OBAMA,
WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO J. LO.
AND WE DID.
IT WAS A VERY WELL‐DONE
INAUGURATION, HIGHLIGHTED BY A
STRONG AND ASSURING DEBUT FOR
OUR NEW COMMANDER‐IN‐CHIEF.
JOE BIDEN GAVE A GREAT SPEECH.
HE SPOKE CONVINCINGLY ABOUT
UNITY AND HEALING.
HE SAID IT'S TIME TO "END THIS
UNCIVIL WAR."
IT WAS THE KIND OF SPEECH THAT
MADE YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR
GRANDPA AND TELL HIM YOU LOVE
HIM.
IT REALLY WAS SPECIAL.
WATCHING THE OBAMAS, THE
CLINTONS, THE BUSHES, AND THE
BIDENS ALL WALK THROUGH THAT
DOOR, TO WELCOME A NEW PRESIDENT
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT WAS LIKE WHEN ALL THE
AVENGERS CAME BACK TO BEAT
THANOS.
THAT'S THE EXTENT OF MY
HISTORICAL REFERENCES.
ALMOST EVERYONE AT THE
INAUGURATION WORE PURPLE.
TO SHOW RED AND BLUE UNITY, ALSO
A SHOUT‐OUT TO PRINCE.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY FORGOT TO
TELL BERNIE SANDERS ABOUT THE
PURPLE PLAN.
HE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE
THERE.
HE SHOWED UP HOLDING A MANILA
ENVELOPE.
AS IF HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT AT
THE DMV.
THERE WAS A LOT OF DISCUSSION
ABOUT WHAT BERNIE WAS WEARING.
WHICH, AS YOU CAN SEE, WAS HIS
MOST FESTIVE MITTENS AND A MASK
HE FOUND ON THE FLOOR OF HIS
WIFE'S SUBARU.
SADLY, SENATOR SANDERS HAD TO
DUCK OUT EARLY WHEN HIS NEIGHBOR
LARRY CALLED TO SAY HE FOUND HIS
HAT.
MIKE PENCE LEFT EARLY TOO.
THE NOW‐FORMER COMMANDER OF THE
SPACE FORCE DEPARTED IMMEDIATELY
AFTER BIDEN WAS SWORN IN.
>> SO HELP YOU GOD?
>> SO HELP ME GOD.
>> CONGRATULATIONS, MR.
PRESIDENT.
♪
>> Jimmy: BACK TO MOTHER ON THE
MOTHERSHIP.
AND WHILE JOE BIDEN WAS BEING
SWORN IN, IN FLORIDA, AT
MAR‐A‐LAGO, AN OMELET BAR
ATTENDANT WAS BEING SWORN AT.
OUR CRAZY EX‐POTUS THREW HIMSELF
A GOING AWAY PARTY AT JOINT BASE
ANDREWS THIS MORNING.
THE PRESIDENT WAS SAID TO BE
VISIBLY DEJECTED BECAUSE NOT
MANY PEOPLE SHOWED UP FOR THE
PARTY.
BUT THOSE WHO DID GOT TO SEE HIM
GIVE THANKS.
>> THIS HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLE
FOUR YEARS.
WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH
TOGETHER.
I WANT TO THANK ALL OF MY FAMILY
AND MY FRIENDS AND MY STAFF AND
SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE FOR BEING
HERE.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR
EFFORT, YOUR HARD WORK.
PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD
THIS FAMILY WORKED.
THEY WORKED AND THEY WORKED FOR
YOU.
THEY COULD HAVE HAD A MUCH
EASIER LIFE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
YOU REALLY SCREWED THEM ALL,
DIDN'T YOU?
THE WHOLE TRUMP FAMILY WAS THERE
TO HELP PRESIDADDY GO.
ERIC AND DJTJ CRIED AS THEIR
FATHER LEFT ON AIR FORCE ONE.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
IT'S HEARTBREAKING TO SEE
CHILDREN SEPARATED FROM THEIR
PARENTS, ISN'T IT?
BUT BEFORE HE DID, THIS IS HOW
TRUMP CLOSED THINGS OUT.
>> I HOPE THEY DON'T RAISE YOUR
TAXES.
BUT IF THEY DO, I TOLD YOU SO.
SO JUST A GOOD‐BYE, WE LOVE YOU,
WE WILL BE BACK IN SOME FORM.
SO HAVE A GOOD LIFE.
WE WILL SEE YOU SOON.
>> Jimmy: "HAVE A GOOD LIFE."
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR
GIRLFRIEND WHEN SHE BREAKS UP
WITH YOU.
"HAVE A GOOD LIFE!"
AND "WE WILL BE BACK IN SOME
FORM."
THAT'S OMINOUS.
WHAT FORM?
A DEMOGORGON?
A HORCRUX?
MAYBE HE'LL COME BACK AS THE
STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST HOPE SOMEONE REMEMBERED
TO WAKE BEN CARSON UP TO LET HIM
KNOW HE NEEDS TO CLEAR OUT HIS
OFFICE.
POSSIBLE HE'S STILL UP IN THERE.
AS FOR DONALD TRUMP, WHO KNOWS
WHAT'S NEXT?
I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
HE IS GOING TO GO NUTS, SITTING
IN THAT COUNTRY CLUB.
I'VE BEEN TO MAR‐A‐LAGO, YEARS
AGO, BEFORE HE WAS PRESIDENT, I
HAD DINNER THERE ONCE.
IT'S A BUNCH OF VERY OLD PEOPLE,
QUIETLY EATING MEATLOAF.
IT'S LIKE A GAUDY REST HOME.
NOTHING GOES ON.
NOTHING HAPPENS.
HE WON'T MAKE IT A WEEK IN
THERE.
HE'LL BE CALLING INTO HANNITY BY
FRIDAY NIGHT.
GUARANTEED.
YOU KNOW, "THE WALL STREET
JOURNAL" REPORTED YESTERDAY,
TRUMP MAY WANT TO START HIS OWN
POLITICAL PARTY TO PUNISH THE
REPUBLICANS WHO DEFIED HIM.
I LOVE THAT.
WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU GOING
TO PUT TOGETHER?
EVEN WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT, HE
WAS BARELY ABLE TO BOOK THREE
DOORS DOWN TO PLAY HIS PARTY.
TRUMP SPENT HIS FINAL HOURS IN
THE WHITE HOUSE PLOTTING REVENGE
AGAINST LIZ CHENEY AND
REPUBLICANS WHO VOTED TO IMPEACH
AND DECIDING WHO TO PARDON.
BASICALLY, HE SPENT HIS LAST DAY
IN OFFICE MAKING A LIST OF HIS
CRIMINAL FRIENDS AND CHECKING IT
TWICE, LIKE EVIL SANTA.
TRUMP ISSUED 144 PARDONS LATE
LAST NIGHT.
HE PARDONED TWO RAPPERS.
LIL WAYNE AND KODAK BLACK.
HIS TWO FAVORITES.
HE PARDONED FORMER HENCHMONSTER,
STEVE BANNON, WHO WAS CHARGED
WITH FRAUD, FOR ALLEGEDLY
SCAMMING TRUMP SUPPORTERS WHO
DONATED TO A CROWDFUND CAMPAIGN,
100% OF THE PROCEEDS FROM
THIS CAMPAIGN WERE SUPPOSED TO
PAY FOR THE WALL THAT MEXICO WAS
SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR.
AUTHORITIES SAY THAT WALL MONEY
SOMEHOW WOUND UP IN
STEVE BANNON'S POCKETS.
BUT NOW, HE IS FREE TO FRAUD
AGAIN.
THE LIST OF TRUMP CRONIES AND
REPUBLICAN DONORS ON THIS LIST
IS LONG.
BUT "THE TIGER KING" JOE EXOTIC
DID NOT GET A PARDON AS HE HAD
HOPED.
AND TRUMP ALSO DIDN'T PARDON
HIMSELF.
OR DID HE?
SOME LEGAL EXPERTS POINTED OUT
TRUMP COULD HAVE SECRETLY
PARDONED HIMSELF AND IS PLANNING
TO KEEP IT ON THE DL TILL HE
NEEDS IT LATER.
IT'S INSANE THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
YOU CAN PARDON YOURSELF, AND
THEN IF YOU GET ARRESTED, YOU
CAN PULL OUT SOME PAPER AND SAY
"SURPRISE!"?
THAT CONSTITUTION THEY WROTE
MIGHT NEED SOME TIGHTENING UP.
TRUMP DID DO ONE DECENT THING,
HE LEFT A NOTE FOR JOE BIDEN.
HE LEFT BIDEN A NOTE, AND HE
ALSO LEFT ERIC TO RESET THE
PINS AT THE WHITE HOUSE BOWLING
ALLEY.
MELANIA, ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS
IS A NICE LITTLE BIT OF GOSSIP.
TRADITIONALLY, WHEN HER TIME IN
THE WHITE HOUSE IS UP, THE FIRST
LADY LEAVES PERSONAL THANK YOU
NOTES FOR THE STAFF, THE MAIDS
AND COOKS, AND ALL THE PEOPLE
WHO TAKE CARE OF THEM, THEY GET
A NOTE.
WELL, MELANIA, INSTEAD OF
WRITING OR EVEN DICTATING THE
NOTES HERSELF, HAD A STAFFMEMBER
WRITE THEM "IN HER VOICE" AND
THEN THEY TYPED THEM UP AND SHE
SIGNED HER NAME ON THEM.
SEE?
THERE WAS A FAKE MELANIA AFTER
ALL!
HOW DO YOU WRITE IN MELANIA'S
VOICE?
"YOU DEED GOOD WASHING" "THANK
YOU, TO YOU."
YOU KNOW, THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF
ONLY HAS FIVE HOURS TO GET THE
PLACE READY FOR A NEW FIRST
FAMILY.
THE OLD FAMILY LEAVES, THE NEW
FAMILY COMES IN, WHICH IS A
CHALLENGE FOR THE CLEANING CREW.
I MEAN, THE RING TRUMP LEFT IN
THE BATHTUB ALONE, COULD ONLY BE
REMOVED IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT
DOOM.
OF COURSE, IT WAS EASIER TO
PREPARE THE LIVING QUARTERS FOR
THE BIDENS, BECAUSE THEY SLEEP
IN THE SAME BEDROOM.
THE BAR FOR JOE BIDEN IS LOW.
AND IT'S GONNA BE AN ADJUSTMENT
TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS
PRESIDENTIAL.
IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE BIDEN EVER
SAYING THE KINDS OF THINGS TRUMP
SAID, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE
DON'T HAVE TO IMAGINE BECAUSE WE
PUT TRUMP'S WORDS INTO BIDEN'S
MOUTH, AND THIS IS WHAT CAME
OUT.
>> WE ARE GOING TO BUILD A GREAT
WALL ALONG THE SOUTHERN BORDER
AND MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE
WALL!
BELIEVE ME!
WE WON WITH THE HIGHLY EDUCATE,
WE WON WITH THE POORLY EDUCATED,
I LOVE THE POORLY EDUCATED!
I HAVE DONE MORE FOR THE
AFRICAN‐AMERICAN COMMUNITY THAN
ANY PRESIDENT OTHER THAN ABRAHAM
LINCOLN.
ISIS IS HONORING PRESIDENT
OBAMA.
HE'S THE FOUNDER OF ISIS.
HE'S THE FOUNDER.
HE FOUNDED ISIS.
AND I WOULD SAY THE COFOUNDER
WOULD BE CROOKED HILLARY
CLINTON.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
WELL.
HE'S NOT SO SLEEPY ANYMORE, I
GUESS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY LAST SHOW
OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
IT FEELS LIKE THE END.
A WELCOME END TO A CHAPTER OF MY
LIFE.
YOU PROBABLY FEEL THAT WAY TOO.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
DON'T CRY BECAUSE IT'S OVER, CRY
BECAUSE IT HAPPENED.
AND THERE ARE BETTER TIMES
AHEAD.
I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT.
A NEW PRESIDENT, A NEW VICE
PRESIDENT.
NO MORE JARED AND IVANKA.
DJTJ.
RUDY GIULIANI IS HANGING UPSIDE
DOWN IN HIS CAVE.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, TODAY
MITCH McCONNELL FIST‐BUMPED
BARACK OBAMA!
THERE IS A FEELING IN THE AIR OF
CELEBRATION AND JOY.
AND SO WE SAY GOODBYE TO DONALD
TRUMP.
NOT WITH VENOM, NOT WITH SCORN,
BUT WITH OPTIMISM, JUBILANCE AND
CELEBRATION.
♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY
GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY
HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪
>> THE TRUTH IS, WE WON THE
ELECTION BY A LANDSLIDE.
WE WON IT BIG.
TODAY I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE
FACTS THAT EVERY AMERICAN NEEDS
TO KNOW.
♪ YO BIG GET OUT THE WAY BITCH
GET OUT THE WAY BOOM ♪
>> Jimmy: GOOD BLESS AMERICA.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
ONE OF MY FAVORITE WRITERS
CHARLES P. PIERCE FROM "ESQUIRE"
IS WITH US.
WE HAVE MUSIC FROM
ASHLEY McBRYDE.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JOHN OLIVER.
SO STICK AROUND.
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK.
TONIGHT, FROM "ESQUIRE," HE IS A
GREAT THINKER AND WRITER, AND
AMERICAN.
CHARLES P. PIERCE IS WITH US.
THEN LATER, HER GRAMMY‐NOMINATED
ALBUM IS CALLED "NEVER WILL."
MUSIC FROM ASHLEY McBRYDE.
TOMORROW NIGHT, ALLISON JANNEY
AND DANA BASH FROM CNN WILL JOIN
US.
WITH MUSIC FROM BEST COAST.
OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN
EXCEPTIONALLY BRIGHT AND FUNNY
FRUNNY MAN ‐‐DY SAY FRUNNY?
FUN AND FUNNY.
FROM A LAND CALLED "ENG."
HE HAS BECOME ONE OF AMERICA'S
MOST BELOVED BEACONS OF TRUTH.
"LAST WEEK WITH JOHN OLIVER"
RETURNS TO HBO ON VALENTINE'S
DAY.
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN OLIVER.
HI, JOHN, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M FINE, THANKS VERY MUCH
FOR HAVING ME.
>> Jimmy: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU.
WE ARE DRESSED THE SAME.
>> YEAH, I CAN SEE.
IT'S KIND OF WHAT HAPPENS WITH
TWO MEN WHO DON'T HAVE THE
CONFIDENCE OR IMAGINATION TO
EXPRESS THEMSELVES SARTORIALLY.
>> Jimmy: EXACTLY RIGHT.
IN FACT, MY WIFE HAS BEEN
LOOKING AT MY OUTFITS AND SHE
GOES, "JUST WEAR A SWEATER."
>> DON'T DREAM OF A LIFE THAT
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY GET.
>> Jimmy: IT'S HARD.
IT'S HARD DOING THE SHOW WITHOUT
A TEAM OF ATTENDANTS.
I SEE YOU SEEM TO BE IN FRONT
OF, LIKE, A BACKDROP THEY WOULD
TAKE BABY PICTURES IN FRONT OF
AT SEARS.
>> YEAH, IT'S HALFWAY BETWEEN
THE SEARS PHOTO AND A BURN
BOARD, YEAH.
IT'S A STERILE, A STERILE
BACKGROUND THAT REALLY EXPRESSES
NOTHING.
FEELS LIKE HOME.
>> Jimmy: IT SHOUTS "IT'S A
BOY!"
THAT'S REALLY WHAT I SEE.
YOU'RE AT HOME.
IS THAT RIGHT?
ARE YOU AT YOUR HOUSE?
>> YEAH, I ‐‐ WELL, I AM KIND OF
AT MY HOUSE.
I USED TO DO IT FROM MY HOUSE.
AND I HAVE A 5‐YEAR‐OLD AND
2‐YEAR‐OLD.
SO THAT BECAME CHALLENGING
BECAUSE THEY DON'T RESPECT THE
BOUNDARIES OF TELEVISION
PROD
PRODUCTION, THEY DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHY DADDY NEEDS
SPACE.
>> Jimmy: I HAVE A 6‐YEAR‐OLD
AND A 3‐YEAR‐OLD.
THEY UNDERSTAND IT PERFECTLY.
THEY REALLY DO.
>> RIGHT, YOU'VE YELLED IT LOUD
ENOUGH INTO THEIR FACES,
APPARENTLY THAT'S THE TRICK?
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?
I SIT THEM DOWN AND I EXPLAIN
IT'S A UNION VIOLATION FOR THEM
TO BE IN HERE, AND THEY COULD BE
FINED IF THEY DON'T GET OUT.
AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT.
>> I ALWAYS DREAD KIDS IN THE
FUTURE AS THEY THINK, WELL, WHAT
WAS THAT ROOM THAT YOU WERE IN
YELLING ABOUT SOMETHING I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND?
OH, I WAS DOING A COMEDY SHOW.
I'VE GONE BACK AND LOOKED AT THE
CLIPS AND I'M NOT SURE YOU WERE.
I THINK YOU THINK YOU WERE, I
DIDN'T KNOW WHEN TO LAUGH, ISN'T
THAT A PROBLEM?
>> Jimmy: CAN I TELL YOU
SOMETHING?
I HAVE MEMORIES OF MY PARENTS IN
A ROOM YELLING AND THEY WERE NOT
DOING A COMEDY SHOW, SO I THINK
THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE
OKAY.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
DO YOU FEEL OPTIMISTIC, FEELING
POSITIVE?
WHAT'S GOING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN
RIGHT NOW?
>> YEAH, IT WAS A HUGE RELIEF.
IT WAS NICE TO GET TO ENJOY AN
INAUGURATION WITHOUT A PIT OF
DREAD IN YOUR STOMACH.
IT WAS NICE TO GET TO ENJOY THE
WEIRD BITS.
YOU GOT THE LUXURY OF ENJOYING
JAY LOW SEGUEING INTO LET'S GET
LOUD, OR GARTH BROOKS' FORMAL
JEANS.
YOU GOT TO ENJOY THAT WITHOUT
FEELING THREATENED BY THE
INCOMING PRESIDENT.
THAT ALONE WAS REALLY NICE.
IT'S A LOW BAR.
IT WAS A LOW BAR FOR AN
INAUGURATION AND IT'S A CRAZY
LOW BAR FOR THE INCOMING
PRESIDENT.
I'M NOT SURE THE BAR ‐‐ HE
DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE
COMPETENT.
ANYTHING NORTH OF MALICIOUS
INCOMPETENCE FEELS LIKE WE'RE
PLAYING WITH THE HOUSE'S MONEY
AT THAT POINT.
>> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY YOU SAY
THAT.
I WAS WATCHING CNN TODAY.
AND EVERY TIME JOE BIDEN SPEAKS
THEY SAY, IT'S A MUCH DIFFERENT
TONE.
IT'S LIKE, YEAH, IT'S A MUCH
DIFFERENT TONE.
>> NO [ BLEEP ].
IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT.
>> Jimmy: YOU SWITCHED FROM
WRESTLING TO PBS, IT'S A MUCH
DIFFERENT TONE.
>> IT DOES FEEL THAT IT'S GOING
TO BE IMPORTANT THAT WE ALLOW
OURSELVES JUST TO HAVE A DAY,
JUST ONE DAY OF FEELING THE
RELIEF BEFORE WORRYING ABOUT,
YEAH, THERE ARE MONUMENTAL
ISSUES THAT WE'RE FACING, THERE
ARE SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS THAT HAVE
GONE UNADDRESSED TOO LONG, REAL
QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER THE
SCALE OF BIDEN'S SOLUTIONS ARE
GOING TO MATCH THE SCALE OF THE
PROBLEMS HE'S INHERITING.
BUT I DO THINK THAT HAS TO WAIT
FOR AT LEAST JUST TOMORROW.
JUST GIVE US A DAY.
OTHERWISE IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE
AT THE END OF A MARATHON THAT
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ENTERED, YOU'VE
JUST BEEN ENTERED BY YOUR
DUMBEST FRIEND, SOMEONE SAYS,
CONGRATULATIONS DID YOU KNOW
OVER A MILLION DOGS ARE
EUTHANIZED IN SHELTERS EVERY
YEAR?
YEAH.
YEAH, CAN I JUST ENJOY THE FACT
THAT'S DONE?
BEFORE WE TOUCH ON THAT
UNDENIABLE ISSUE?
>> Jimmy: YOU ARE AN AMERICAN
NOW.
WHEN DID YOU GET YOUR
CITIZENSHIP?
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
>> IT WAS AT THE END OF 2019.
DECEMBER 13th, 2019.
>> Jimmy: AND SO YOU BECAME A
CITIZEN WHILE DONALD TRUMP WAS
PRESIDENT.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WHEN THE REST OF US
WERE THINKING OF RENOUNCING.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU SIGNED UP, YEAH.
>> I DID, I DID.
>> Jimmy: I'M SURPRISED HE
ALLOWED THAT TO HAPPEN.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: I WOULD THINK YOU
WOULD BE ON THE NO‐ENTER LIST.
>> THE TRUTH IS I KIND OF DID DO
IT ON THE QUIET.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T BLAME YOU.
>> BECAUSE I DID THINK IT WAS ‐‐
IT DIDN'T FEEL COMPLETELY
MISPLACED PARANOIA TO THINK, IF
THIS GETS ONTO SOMEONE'S DESK
WHO COULD STOP IT, THEY MIGHT.
>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY.
>> BUT IT'S NEVER ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT, RIGHT?
BECOMING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN IS
NEVER ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO IS
IN OFFICE, IT'S ABOUT THE IDEA
OF THE COUNTRY THAT IS TRYING TO
FORM ITSELF BETTER.
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT YOU ‐‐ THAT
WAS DEFINITELY THE CASE, AS I
WAS SWORN IN WITH ALL THESE
PEOPLE, ALL DIFFERENT COUNTRIES,
AND THEY PLAY TRUMP'S VIDEO, HIS
WELCOME MESSAGE, WHICH, YOU
KNOW.
YOU COULD FEEL THE ENERGY DIP IN
THE ROOM.
BUT IT WAS ‐‐ THE EXCITEMENT OF
WHAT WE WERE DOING THERE
TRANSCENDED THE FACT THAT THERE
WAS A GUY ON THE VIDEO NOT
REALLY WELCOMING US VERY MUCH.
ACTUALLY, THEY GAVE YOU TWO
PIECES OF PAPER.
THEY GIVE YOU YOUR CERTIFICATE,
AND ON TOP OF THAT IS A LETTER
FROM THE PRESIDENT.
AND THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME,
SHE GOT UP TO LEAVE AT THE END.
AND HER DAUGHTER SAID, I'VE GOT
THESE PIECES OF PAPER.
BR
SHE SAID, BRING THE CERTIFICATE
AND YOU CAN LEAVE THAT [ BLEEP ]
BEHIND.
I THOUGHT, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S AMERICA FOR
YOU.
DID YOU DO WELL ON THE TEST?
DO YOU GET A SCORE, DO YOU GET A
GRADE?
HOW DOES THAT WORK?
>> OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A
TEST.
YOU HAVE TO GET ‐‐ IT'S BASIC
CIVICS QUESTIONS.
YOU HAVE TO GET LIKE 6 OF 10
RIGHT.
AS SOON AS YOU GET 6, YOU'RE
GOOD.
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY?
>> YEAH, I GOT SIX IN A ROW, I
WAS SO TERRIFIED.
>> Jimmy: DID THEY DO IT
INDIVIDUALLY?
OR AS A GROUP?
>> NO, YOU DO IT INDIVIDUALLY.
IT'S INCREDIBLY INTIMIDATING.
YOU GO INTO A ROOM, THE PERSON
DOESN'T LOOK AT YOU, SHE'S
TYPING ON THE SCREEN.
ASKING YOU THESE QUESTIONS.
SO I WAS PREPARED.
I'D STUDIED ALL OF THIS.
THEN THE FIRST QUESTION SHE
ASKED WAS, WHAT'S YOUR SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER?
AND I HADN'T PREPARED THAT.
SO I BLANKED.
I FORGOT.
I SAID, OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR PHONE
NUMBER?
I'M JUST CHECKING THAT.
I FORGOT THAT AS WELL.
I FELT MY LAWYER'S HAND ON MY
SHOULDER SAYING, DON'T WORRY,
YOU'RE NOT BLOWING THIS.
BUT IT FELT LIKE I WAS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I HOPE THAT
WOMAN WAS REALLY GIVING A
CITIZENSHIP TEST, NOT AN
IDENTITY THIEF.
BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY GOOD YOU
FORGOT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY
NUMBER.
>> YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN
NAME?
OKAY, GO OUT FOR 15 MINUTES, I'M
DOING A CREDIT CARD IN YOUR
NAME.
>> Jimmy: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH JOHN OLIVER.
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK.
STILL TO COME, CHARLES P. PIERCE
AND ASHLEY McBRYDE.
JOHN OLIVER IS WITH US.
HE IS AT A HOME NEAR HIS HOME IN
NEW YORK CITY.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU MISSED SO MUCH.
YOU WENT OFF IN NOVEMBER.
WERE YOU LIKE EAGER TO GET BACK
TO WORK?
OR ARE YOU NOT THAT AMBITIOUS?
>> NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY.
IT WAS LIKE ‐‐ IT WAS LIKE EAGER
TO FIDDLE WHILE ROME BURNED?
NO, IT WAS ALL RIGHT, ACTUALLY.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD.
BUT YOU DO COME BACK ON
VALENTINE'S DAY WHICH YOUR WIFE
MUST BE THRILLED AT.
>> OH, YEAH, THE MOST ROMANTIC
OF ALL DAYS.
I'M NOT SURE, I THINK WHAT I'VE
TOLD HER ‐‐ I THINK SHE DOESN'T
KNOW THAT YET, TO BE HONEST.
I THINK I TOLD LETTER
MID‐FEBRUARY, WITHOUT SAYING
EXACTLY MID‐FEBRUARY.
>> Jimmy: EXACTLY ON VALENTINE'S
DAY.
ARE YOU A ROMANTIC TYPE?
ARE YOU EXPECTED TO ARRANGE A
DINNER OR FLOWERS OR ANY OF THAT
SORT OF THING?
>> I'M EXPECTED TO.
I DON'T DO MUCH.
I WON'T MEET THE GRADE FOR ANY
FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING.
BUT I'M A BRITISH PERSON.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> TOO REPRESSED TO BE ABLE TO
EXPRESS MYSELF ROMANTICALLY.
THE MOST ROMANTIC THING FOR
ME ‐‐ ISN'T THAT THAT MOVIE,
"SHADOWLANDS," WHERE THEY FALL
IN LOVE AND NEVER EXPRESS IT?
THAT SEEMS THE BEST FORM OF
ROMANCE TO ME.
FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, DON'T
TELL THEM, AND DIE.
>> Jimmy: DO YOUR FRIENDS AND
FAMILY MEMBERS IN ENGLAND CALL
YOU AND GO, WHAT'S GOING ON OVER
THERE?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: ARE PEOPLE ENJOYING
THIS?
>> WELL ‐‐ I DON'T THINK ANYONE
ON EARTH HAS ENJOYED THIS.
SO I DON'T THINK SO MUCH THAT.
I THINK IT'S MORE THE, IS
EVERYTHING OKAY?
ANYTHING WE SHOULD KNOW THAT
WE'RE NOT SEEING OVER THERE?
I THINK IT'S HARD TO ANSWER A
QUESTION LIKE THAT, OTHER
THAN ‐‐ WHEN THE SURE ANSWER IS
NO, NO, THINGS ARE NOT GOING
WELL OVER HERE.
AND THE LONG ANSWER IS, NO, AND
ALSO IN BRITAIN, HOW DO YOU
THINK IT'S GOING OVER THERE?
MAYBE SORT OUT THE [ BLEEP ]
PILE YOU'RE STANDING ON BEFORE
CRITICIZING SOMEONE ELSE'S.
>> Jimmy: I HEAR THINGS ARE NOT
GOING TOO WELL, AND WITH COVID
NOTHING'S GOING WELL ANYWHERE,
EXCEPT NEW ZEALAND, IT SEEMS.
BUT ARE THINGS AS COMPLICATED
OVER THERE?
DO YOU THINK WE'RE EXPERIENCING
SOME KIND OF CROSSROADS IN THE
WORLD RIGHT NOW?
>> IN TERMS OF COVID?
OR IN TERMS OF ALL HUMAN ISSUES?
THAT'S A MASSIVE QUESTION.
>> Jimmy: IN TERMS OF PEOPLE
JUST NOT AGREEING WITH EACH
OTHER, TO THE POINT WHERE WE
CAN'T REALLY MOVE FORWARD.
>> YEAH, THAT'S A ‐‐ I DON'T
KNOW.
I THINK, YOU KNOW, BRITAIN IS ‐‐
I'M NOT SURE IT'S QUITE AS
DIVIDED AS THE U. S.
EVEN ‐‐ YEAH, EVEN ALLOWING FOR
THE TERRIBLE GOVERNMENT THAT
BRITAIN HAS INFLICTED UPON
ITSELF, I'M NOT SURE THEY'RE
SITTING ON QUITE THE TINDER BOX
THAT THE U. S. IS SITTING ON
RIGHT NOW.
>> Jimmy: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
THEY DON'T HAVE PEOPLE BREAKING
IN THE WINDOWS AND DEFECATING IN
PARLIAMENT?
>> I WILL SAY, IT WAS A TERRIBLE
DAY.
JANUARY THE 6th WAS AN
ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE DAY.
IT'S A PERMANENT STAIN ON
AMERICAN HISTORY.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT
IT STARTED WITH RUDY GIULIANI
WALKING ONTO A STAGE TO "MACHO
MAN."
IT WASN'T 100% UNFUNNY.
NO, THINGS ‐‐ SHADES OF GRAY,
RIGHT?
MOSTLY BAD.
THAT WAS FUNNY.
>> Jimmy: I THINK YOU FOUND SOME
SILVER LINING.
I THINK THAT IS GOING TO BE ONE
OF THE MANY, MANY POSITIVES THAT
WE'RE GOING TO SEE GOING FORWARD
IS THAT PRESIDENTS AND
POLITICIANS WILL BE ABLE TO
CLEAR SONGS FROM ARTISTS OTHER
THAN LEE GREENWOOD AND THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
WAS JANUARY THE 6th A FUNNY DAY?
NO.
DID SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPEN ON
THAT DAY?
YES.
THAT'S JUST A FACT.
>> Jimmy: I ALWAYS ‐‐ BECAUSE I
HATE TO THINK THAT THE VILLAGE
PEOPLE ARE ON BOARD WITH WHAT'S
GOING ON, WHAT WAS GOING ON THE
LAST FOUR YEARS.
I LIKE TO THINK THAT THEY CLEAR
THAT SONG AS A JOKE.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THEY SIT THERE AND GO,
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE
WALKING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW!
>> I THINK THERE HAS BEEN SOME
SPECTACULAR NONSONG CLEARANCE.
EVEN LIKE TRUMP'S FAREWELL
SPEECH THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR
THIS MORNING.
I THINK ONE OF HIS PLAY‐ON SONGS
WAS "FORTUNATE SON."
HE'S NEVER FULLY UNDERSTOOD THE
IRONY OF THAT.
THE AIR FORCE ONE TO LEAVE TO
SINATRA'S "MY WAY," THE
UNIVERSAL ANTHEM OF [ BLEEP ]
EVERYWHERE.
>> Jimmy: WELL.
ON BEHALF OF PAUL ANKA, I'M
GOING TO HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH
YOU THERE.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US, JOHN.
YOUR SHOW'S GREAT.
I APPRECIATE YOU JOINING US
TONIGHT.
>> PLEASURE.
>> Jimmy: GOOD LUCK ON
VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: JOHN OLIVER RETURNS,
DON'T TELL HIS WIFE, IT RETURNS
FEBRUARY 14th ON HBO, JOHN
OLIVER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLES
P. PIERCE!
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK.
MUSIC FROM ASHLEY McBRYDE IS ON
THE WAY.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT
WRITER, AND HE IS FUNNY TOO.
HE REALLY KNOWS HIS STUFF.
YOU CAN READ HIM AS I DO
MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY ON
ESQUIRE.COM.
PLEASE WELCOME
CHARLES P. PIERCE.
>> HELLO, I LIKE THE FACT THAT
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN NAME PLATE.
>> Jimmy: IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,
I'VE HAD THIS SINCE I WAS 11
YEARS OLD.
IT WAS SITTING ON MY BUY HOOD
DESK.
>> IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO THE
GUY FROM HR.
>> Jimmy: I AM THE GUY FROM HR,
KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
>> WELL, JIMMY, HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN "BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI"
WHERE THEY PUT THE GUY IN THE
BOX FOR A WEEK, THEY OPEN IT AND
HE CAN'T WALK?
THAT'S HOW I FEEL, LIKE I
HAVEN'T WALKED IN YEARS.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
WAY WITH WORDS.
I WANT TO READ FROM YOUR COLUMN
TODAY.
"WHAT THE PRESIDENT DID IN HIS
INAUGURAL ADDRESS RIGHT OFF THE
TOP WAS UNSHEATH THE SHIV FROM
THE VELVET SCABBARD OF UNITY AND
CELEBRATION."
UNSHEATHED THE SHIV.
YOU BELIEVE THE SHIV IS TED
CRUZ?
>> I WOULDN'T ELIMINATE EVERYONE
ELSE WHO TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE
GOVERNMENT.
TED CRUZ WAS THERE, AND ANY TIME
TED CRUZ IS THERE TO BE A SNARK
TARGET, I'M NOT PASSING IT UP.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS GOING TO SOUND
LIKE A JOKE QUESTION BUT IT
ISN'T.
DO YOU THINK TED CRUZ IS TOO
UGLY TO BE PRESIDENT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I WENT BACK THROUGH THE PICTURES
OF THE PAST PRESIDENTS.
WE'VE ELECTED SOME REAL MU
MULLIONS.
ARTHUR WAS A AN UGLY GUY, HE'S
NOT GOING TO BE ON "THE
BACHELOR" ANY TIME SOON.
>> Jimmy: IN THOSE DAYS YOU'D
HAVE TO LOOK AT A DRAWING OR
ENGRAVING OF HIM.
>> I SAW THERE'S AN ACTUAL
PHOTOGRAPH OF JOHN QUICY ADAM.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, GRUMPY‐LOOKING GUY.
NEITHER HE NOR HIS FATHER SHOWED
UP THE INAUGURATION OF HARE
SUCCESSORS.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT, WE
LEARNED THAT THIS WEEK.
ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTING
THINGS WE LEARNED.
>> FOUR PRESIDENTS HAVE REFUSED
TO SHOW UP FOR THEIR SUCCESSORS.
TWO OF THEM WERE ADAMS, WHICH
SHOULD GIVE YOU AN INDICATION
HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THE REST OF
THE WORLD.
>> Jimmy: WELL, MAYBE FUTURE
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP JR. WILL
NOT SHOW UP AT HIS SUCCESSOR'S
INAUGURATION.
>> WELL, I INTEND NOT TO BE
ALIVE FOR HIS INAUGURATION.
I'M MAKING CONTINGENCY PLANS
RIGHT NOW FOR THAT.
>> Jimmy: YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT
ABOUT HISTORY, ESPECIALLY WHEN
IT COMES TO PRESIDENTS AND
POLITICS AND THAT SORT OF THING.
DO YOU WORRY THAT WHAT WE JUST
SAW THE LAST FOUR YEARS WITH
DONALD TRUMP, THAT THERE'S A
WORSE VERSION OF DONALD TRUMP
COMING?
>> I'VE BEEN WRITING THAT ON THE
BLOG OFF AND ON EVER SINCE HE
WON THE PRIMARIES.
IN 2016.
I'VE BEEN WRITING THAT WHAT I'M
AFRAID OF IS THE NEXT GUY ISN'T
GOING TO BE AN INCOMPETENT
PSYCHOPATH.
EITHER HE'S GOING TO BE A REALLY
COMPETENT PSYCHOPATH, OR HE'S
JUST GOING TO BE COMPETENT.
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK ‐‐ I MEAN,
TODAY IT'S A GOOD DAY NOT TO
THINK ABOUT THIS.
HE CAME AWFULLY CLOSE TO GETTING
RE‐ELECTED.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, HE DID.
>> THERE'S A HUNGER IN SOME
PEOPLE FOR THE KIND OF ‐‐
WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, INSTEAD OF
LEADERSHIP, WE HAD FOR THE LAST
FOUR YEARS.
AND THAT LAND MINE'S GOING TO
GET DEFUSED.
SO YES, I AM CONCERNED THAT
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE ‐‐ TOM
COTTON ‐‐ WILL COME ALONG AND BE
BETTER AT BEING AN AUTHORITARIAN
THAN HE WAS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, TOM COTTON IS
ONE TO KEEP AN EYE ON FOR SURE.
I NOTICE YOU HAVE THE ELIZABETH
WARREN POSTER UP.
I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU
WERE ON THE SHOW, WHICH I THINK
WAS TWO YEARS AGO, RIGHT AROUND
NOW.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
AND YOU DIDN'T THINK HE WAS THE
GUY.
YOU DID NOT THINK HE WOULD BE
THE GUY.
>> Y■EAH, I CALLED THAT A LITTL
EARLY, DIDN'T I?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I WATCHED AS JIM
CLYBURN IN SOUTH CAROLINA TURNED
HIS ENTIRE FUTURE AROUND, WHICH
IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING
THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN.
HE WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF IT.
AND THEN A DAY BEFORE SOUTH
CAROLINA, HE TOOK THE LEAD.
AND HE NEVER LOOKED BACK.
AND I THINK WHAT I MISJUDGED,
AND I SAID THIS TO A COUPLE OF
PEOPLE, WHAT I REALLY MISJUDGED
DURING THE CAMPAIGN WAS THE
HUNGER IN THE COUNTRY FOR A
PRESIDENT YOU COULD IGNORE THREE
DAYS A WEEK.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> PEOPLE WERE SO DESPERATE TO
GET BACK TO NORMAL.
AND I THINK THEY LOOKED AT JOE
BIDEN AND SAID, WE KNOW THE GUY,
WE LIKE THE GUY, THINGS WILL GET
BACK TO NORMAL IF WE VOTE FOR
HIM.
AND I THINK ‐‐ I MEAN, I THINK
THAT HAD A LOT TO DO WITH HIS
RECOVERY.
>> Jimmy: YOU MENTIONED CLYBURN.
I HEARD A STORY TODAY THAT
GEORGE BUSH, WHO I KNOW YOU HAVE
NO FONDNESS FOR EVEN THOUGH MANY
NOW LOOK AT HIM SOMEWHAT FONDLY
AFTER WHAT WE JUST
EXPERIENCED ‐‐ ACTUALLY SPOKE,
ACTUALLY TALKED TO HIM, THANKED
HIM FOR HELPING JOE BIDEN WIN
THE ELECTION.
>> YEAH, I SAW THAT.
BECAUSE HE THINKS BIDEN WAS THE
ONLY ONE WHO COULD HAVE BEATEN
TRUMP.
I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT TOO.
I DIDN'T THINK THAT UNTIL THE
RETURNS CAME IN ON ELECTION
NIGHT AND I SAW HOW CLOSE IT
ACTUALLY WAS.
BUT YEAH, THAT WAS ‐‐ THAT WAS
A ‐‐ JIM CLYBURN HAS WORKED IN
THE VINEYARDS FOR SO LONG, IT'S
A NICE THING THAT HE'S GETTING A
LOT OF RUN, YOU KNOW, ABOUT
ELECTING A PRESIDENT, WHICH IS
ESSENTIALLY WHAT HE DID.
>> Jimmy: LAST NIGHT DONALD
TRUMP PARDONED 144 PEOPLE.
LAST NIGHT YOU TWEETED, IT
APPEARS THAT EVERY CROOKED
POLITICIAN BACK TO 1789 GOT A
PARDON, I BELIEVE HE MAY HAVE
PARDONED AARON BURR.
>> IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
KILPATRICK, MAYOR OF DETROIT,
APPARENTLY HE GOT ON THE RADAR
FROM DIAMOND AND SILK.
>> Jimmy: IS THAT RIGHT?
IS THAT TRUE?
>> IN THE OFFICIAL ‐‐ THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE PUT OUT A
LIST OF THE PARDONS AND HOW THEY
GOT THE PARDONS.
YOU HAVE TO BE RECOMMENDED.
ONE OF THE PEOPLE ‐‐ ONE OF THE
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR KWAME
KILPATRICK WAS DIAMOND AND SILK,
UPON WHOM I HOPE WE HAVE HEARD
THE ABSOLUTE LAST.
>> Jimmy: TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
KWAME KILPATRICK GOT ON THE
LIST.
AND IT DOES SEEM THAT TRUMP IS
TRYING TO SOMEHOW INGRATIATE
HIMSELF TO THE BLACK COMMUNITY
BY PARDONING RAPPERS AND ‐‐ I
MEAN, THE IDEA THAT HE EVEN
KNOWS WHO KODAK BLACK ‐‐ DID YOU
KNOW KODAK BLACK?
>> NO, THAT'S ONE THAT GOT PAST
ME.
I AM RELENTLESSLY NOT IN THAT
REGARD.
REMEMBER DUKE CUNNINGHAM?
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> CONGRESSMAN FROM CALIFORNIA.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> HE WAS A SCANDAL I HAD
COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT, AND
HE GOT A PARDON.
SO YEAH.
I THINK HE PROBABLY PARDONED
AARON BURR AND JEFF DAVIS, MAYBE
HARRY DOUGHERTY, THE TEAPOT DOME
GUY, I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> Jimmy: O. J. HAS TO BE SO
BUMMED.
>> HOW ABOUT JOE EXOTIC?
>> Jimmy: JOE EXOTIC, YEAH.
>> RENTED A LIMO TO TAKE HIM
AWAY FROM PRISON, HAD TO PAY FOR
THE LIMO, AND DIDN'T GET OUT.
I HATE THAT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
PAYING FOR THE LIMO.
I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT
THE LOGO FOR THE LIMO COMPANY
WAS PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED IN THE
VIDEOTAPE THEY RELEASED.
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN A TRADEOUT.
OFF THE HOOK ON THAT ONE.
>> JOE HAD TO GO BACK TO HIS
CELL, YOU KNOW, DO HIS CAGED
TIGER IMITATION AGAIN.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I LOVE READING
YOUR STUFF.
I LOOK AT EVERY ONE OF YOUR
TWEETS.
I FEEL LIKE I LEARN A LOT.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS FUNNY STUFF.
I LOVE THAT YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING
AN ASTERISK NEXT TO THE WORD
"PRESIDENT" FOR THE LAST FOUR
YEARS.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO STOP THAT NOW.
>> I'VE GOT TO APOLOGIZE IN
ADVANCE TO BIDEN, BECAUSE I WILL
DO IT JUST OUT OF MUSCLE MEMORY
AT LEAST ONCE UNTIL HE GETS
SETTLED INTO THE OFFICE.
AS I SAID BEFORE, I THINK THE
LAST TIME I WAS ON, THAT WAS MY
WIFE'S IDEA.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME UP WITH A
CONDEMN WUS WAY TO REFER TO THE
GUY FOR FOUR YEARS.
AND SHE SAID, JUST PUT AN
ASTERISK NEXT TO IT.
>> Jimmy: IT WAS A GREAT IDEA
AND IT AMUSED ME EVERY TIME I
READ IT.
I WOULD SUGGEST YOU PROBABLY
DON'T USE THE ASTERISK A WHOLE
LOT, AND MAYBE JUST PULL THAT
KEY OFF YOUR TYPEWRITER FOR A
WHILE.
>> THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.
ALTHOUGH I AM GOING TO GET TO
USE IT FOR FORMER PRESIDENT AND
EXPRESIDENT, AND PERHAPS
DEFENDANT PRESIDENT.
YOU KNOW.
DONALD TRUMP IS MOVING RIGHT
INTO A JOB AS A CAREER
DEFENDANT.
>> Jimmy: LET'S KEEP OUR FINGERS
CROSSED THAT THAT WILL BE TRUE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US
TONIGHT.
>> THANK YOU, JIMMY, HAPPY NEW
YEAR.
>> Jimmy: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU,
CHARLES P. PIERCE, ESQUIRE.COM,
FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER TOO.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ASHLEY
McBRYDE!
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: HELLO AGAIN.
WELCOME BACK TO MY BUNKER.
HER GRAMMY NOMINATED ALBUM IS
CALLED "NEVER WILL."
PLAYING THE TITLE TRACK,
ASHLEY McBRYDE!
♪
♪ I HEARD GO ON AND GO
BUT JUST KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE GOING IS
A DEAD END ♪
♪ PLAYING IN BARS ONLY
MAKES YOU THE STAR OF
A HOUSE BAND
AND SOMETIMES THE ♪
♪ HARDEST PART WAS JUST
TO KEEP PLAYING
I'D BEEN GONE LONG AGO
IF I'D LISTENED TO ♪
♪ WHAT THEY WERE SAYING
WHAT THEY WERE SAYING
BUT I DIDN'T, I DON'T
I NEVER WILL ♪
♪ NO, THEY JUST
STARTED A FIRE
THEY CAN'T CONTROL
AND I WOULDN'T TRADE ONE ♪
♪ MOMENT FOR THE
WAY IT FEELS
KNOWING I DIDN'T, I DON'T
AND I NEVER WILL ♪
♪ THEY SAID SEEING YOUR
NAME UP IN LIGHTS
YOU KNOW IT'S
GONNA CHANGE YA ♪
♪ YOU'LL LOOK IN
A MIRROR SOME NIGHT AND
YOU'LL SEE A STRANGER
BUT YOU GOTTA ♪
♪ PLAY THE GAME IF
YOU EVER WANT TO PLAY
TO THE BIG CROWDS
YOU'VE GONE AS FAR AS ♪
♪ YOU'LL EVER GO UNLESS
YOU'RE WILLING TO SELL OUT
GIRL SELL OUT
WELL I DIDN'T, I DON'T ♪
♪ I NEVER WILL
NO, THEY JUST STARTED
A FIRE THEY CAN'T CONTROL
AND I WOULDN'T TAKE ♪
♪ ONE MOMENT FOR
THE WAY IT FEELS
KNOWING I DIDN'T, I DON'T
AND I NEVER WILL ♪
♪ OH, I NEVER WILL
♪
♪ MONEY AND FAME IT WILL
GO TO YOUR HEAD
IF YOU GET IT ♪
♪ THEY NEVER DID
UNDERSTAND ALL THE
REASONS WE DID IT
I CAN POINT OUT THE NAMES ♪
♪ AND THE FACES OF
THE PEOPLE WHO SAID IT
OH BUT HONESTLY I
JUST DON'T WANT 'EM ♪
♪ TO GET ANY CREDIT
BUT I DIDN'T, NO
I NEVER WILL
I NEVER WILL ♪
♪ OH, THEY JUST STARTED
A FIRE THEY CAN'T CONTROL
OH NO, NO
AND YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T ♪
♪ TRADE ONE MOMENT FOR
THE WAY IT FEELS
I DIDN'T, I DON'T ♪
♪ AND I NEVER WILL
I NEVER WILL ♪
♪
>> Jimmy: THAT IS ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE.
THANKS TO JOHN OLIVER, THANKS TO
CHARLES P. PIERCE, THANKS TO
ASHLEY McBRYDE.
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.