♪ On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ♪
♪ Five golden kegs ♪
♪ 4/5 of nighttrain ♪
♪ Three shots of bourbon ♪
♪ Two more shots of bourbon ♪
♪ And a bathtub full of grey goose ♪
♪ Vodka ♪
[LAUGHTER]
That was pretty damn good.
That was better than good.
That was sensational.
Ah.
Oh, an empty bottle.
The saddest sight in the world.
THE PROFESSOR: Where's Willie?
- He's always got a little money. - He left like 20 minutes ago.
He run and looking for bottles.
- Collecting bottles, huh? - For redeemables.
[SCREAMING]
Help! Somebody!
Help!
Oh, there he is.
Hey, Willie! Willie, hello!
[INDISTINCT GREETINGS]
You gotta help me. Call the police.
Someone's after me.
- What'd you do? - Nothing!
Some guy, he started chasing me!
I think he's trying to kill me.
Ain't nobody there.
- He's got the willies. - Willie got the willies.
[LAUGHTER]
WILLIE: Oh, hell, there he is!
- You're being paranoid. - Maybe I am.
I ain't sticking around to find out.
Hey, you forgot one!
[LAUGHTER]
Run, Willie, run!
ALL: Run, Willie, run!
Willie!
Where you at?
It's us!
Here's his cart.
[BANGING METAL]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ It's a jungle out there ♪
♪ Disorder and confusion everywhere ♪
♪ No one seems to care ♪
♪ Well, I do ♪
♪ Hey, who's in charge here? ♪
♪ It's a jungle out there ♪
♪ Poison in the very air we breathe ♪
♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪
♪ Well, I do, and it's amazing ♪
♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪
♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried, too ♪
♪ You better pay attention, or this world we love so much ♪
♪ Might just kill you ♪
♪ I could be wrong now ♪
♪ But I don't think so ♪
♪ 'Cause it's a jungle out there ♪
♪ It's a jungle out there ♪
Is that your tree?
Uh-huh.
It's cardboard.
Right. No muss, no fuss.
A lot of people are doing it.
Who?
People...
You know, who are me.
What do you think?
I think it's sad.
Well, I know it's sad. I mean, is it straight?
Christmas doesn't mean anything to you?
Not anymore.
Why don't you believe in anything, Mr. Monk?
What are you so afraid of?
I'll tell you what I think.
I think Mr. Monk has been afraid of so many things
for so many years, he's afraid of not being afraid.
- What does that mean? - Think about it.
I'm afraid to.
Honey, will you try this? This is chicken soup.
- It's for the captain. - What's wrong with him?
Oh, he's very, very sick.
It's been three or four weeks now.
Yeah, he's got some sort of arthritis.
He can barely walk.
Mm, it's perfect. He's gonna love it.
I'm really worried about him.
I mean, I've known him for 15...
Is that my ladle?
Is that a problem?
No, it's fine.
- Help yourself. - [DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Wait, I... May I?
I just thought of something I want for Christmas.
A new ladle.
And a lock for my utensil drawer.
Uh, Mr. Monk, these men want to talk to you.
Oh, my God.
Hello. Are you Mr. Monk, the detective?
Oh, my God.
THE PROFESSOR: That's ike.
That's Reggie. And they call me The Professor.
We asked around.
And they says you was the best.
I'm sorry. I can't help you.
I'm retired.
As of when?
As of "Hello, are you Mr. Monk?"
He's not retired. He's joking, he's joking.
So would you guys like to have a seat?
No, no, no!
No, that couch doesn't work.
None of these chairs...
Hey, I have an idea.
Uh, why don't we all stand on some newspaper?
Julie, go get some newspaper.
Everybody hold it in until we get some newspaper, okay?
Hold what in?
What do you think we're gonna do?
I don't know. I don't know. Just hold it in. Hold it.
Can we do anything for you gentlemen?
Last night, a friend of ours was killed.
And we want to hire Mr. Monk to investigate.
[STAMMERING]
Did you talk to the police?
They didn't really listen, ma'am.
They said it was an accident.
And that Willie... That's his name...
He climbed into an old refrigerator
to stay warm, closed the door,
and then suffocated.
- Accidents. - But you don't think so.
IKE: Last night, he said that someone was after him.
Said someone was chasing him.
But we didn't believe him.
- Delusional. - We got money.
You can redeem these anywhere.
It comes to $14.
My God!
REGGIE: So what you think?
Uh, you know, Mr. Monk and I are gonna mull that one over,
but in the meantime, are you guys hungry?
I just made some soup. I have a whole pot.
Oh, we'd appreciate it, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.
Na... Ja... Excuse me.
Excu...
Stay. Stay.
Stay right where you are.
Stay! Stay.
What are you doing? You're not really gonna feed them.
Of course I'm feeding them. They're hungry.
Oh, Natalie, Natalie,
I-I can't take this job.
Please don't make me take this job.
Mr. Monk, you have to help these men.
Okay, here it comes.
Number one, they have nowhere else to go.
Number two, they collected cans and bottles to pay your salary.
That's every nickel they have in the world.
When was the last time a client offered you every nickel they had?
Excuse me. Throwing this away?
You know what, it's all yours. You keep it.
Oh, what is this, marble?
[GRUNTING] I don't know.
Maybe.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe it is.
Okay, okay, okay, fine.
Fine, fine, don't, don't, don't touch anything.
You know what?
Let's take a look at the crime scene.
Here we go.
Everybody outside.
Right. Show me the crime scene.
Out... Outside.
We waited for him all night!
Never came back!
So we were looking for him, you know,
like a search party!
Right there!
We found his shopping cart right over there!
Can you even see from there?
I'm fine. Is that the refrigerator?
Huh?
MONK: Is that the refrigerator?
What?
Is that the refrigerator?
Yes, sir.
And then we noticed a piece of clothing...
part of his jacket sticking out.
Protruding, as it were.
So we opened it.
He was kinda stuffed in there.
Face-first.
He was facing away from you?
Did you tell that to the police?
Yeah, but they don't listen to us, man.
We're, like, invisible to them.
What'd he say?
- What? - We're like inv...
They don't see us!
- So then what happened? - IKE: He fell out!
Backwards!
Plop!
What is it?
There's only one handprint.
He wasn't clawing around.
He wasn't panicking.
He was already dead.
No, no, no, I'm not signing off on this
till I talk to the D.A.
What was the victim's name again?
Willie T. That's what they called him.
But nobody knew his real name.
The medical examiner rubberstamped it,
but we just came from the crime scene.
Randy, it is all wrong.
I think somebody put him in that refrigerator.
We talked to his bum friends.
His friends. Not his bum friends.
- The ne'er-do-wells. - They're homeless individuals.
They said somebody was chasing him last night.
Okay.
Well, we'll reopen the case.
I'll call the M.E. myself.
- Just like that? - Yeah, just like that.
Oh, Diaz, Diaz, is that the revised affidavit?
- Uh, I think so. - Yeah, let's see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, make sure this gets to Judge Barr,
not Judge Coleman.
Yes, sir.
Rookies.
Wow, Randy, you really are in charge.
Yeah, well, when the captain got sick,
somebody had to step up.
How's he doing?
We've been trying to call him, but he doesn't answer.
- Well, that's because he's here. - He's here?
He's downstairs on the front desk.
He said he couldn't stand just sitting around his house.
Is he okay?
He got here last night, and he won't go home.
It's like he's trying to prove something,
and it's not just his back.
He's in a bad place right now.
Mm.
So, Mrs. Parisi...
Let me get this straight.
You filed a complaint 2 1/2 weeks ago,
you said somebody vandalized your house.
That's right.
You said you thought some teenagers painted this thing on your front door.
MRS. PARISI: This is not a thing.
It's a fountain.
Okay.
So some teenagers painted this fountain on your front door
and now you want to withdraw the complaint.
That's right.
It wasn't teenagers. I know that now.
It was God.
It was a sign from God.
God drew a little picture on your front door.
It was a miracle.
Last summer I couldn't breathe.
- My lungs were burning. - She couldn't breathe.
We went to three different doctors.
And then I heard on the news about the fountain
at the Franklin Park Monastery.
They look just like this.
It was this fountain.
- And when she drank from it... - I was cured.
She's eating again.
She can sleep.
- It's a miracle. - It's a miracle.
Write that down. "It's a miracle."
Yeah.
You walk me through this again?
One more time.
Oh, there he is.
MONK: Hey.
How you doing?
I feel like I look.
NATALIE: Oh, God, back problems are the worst.
What did the doctor say?
[GROANS]
I got five doctors.
And they haven't got a clue.
They've got me on three different medications.
I've tried everything. Even this crap.
- What is it? - I don't know.
It's some sort of organic, hippie concoction from hell.
My aunt sent me a whole carton of it.
[GAGS]
Ugh, it tastes like chalk.
What's in it?
Chalk extract...
Captain, why don't you just head on home?
- We got things covered here. - Oh, no, I can't go home.
Look at all those open cases.
Actually, these ones are all cleared.
We were nine for nine this week.
Nine for nine.
Good job.
I guess I'll just go home.
Not that anybody would notice.
You think you'll be okay?
I'm fine.
Except for the alimony I can't afford,
I haven't had a date in two... two years,
and my son... my oldest boy Jared is not talking to me.
He's with his mother.
He doesn't even pick up the phone.
Merry Christmas.
Was there a sign on your house?
- Yeah. - Me too.
I was the first one here.
I was in a car accident last year.
I busted my hip. They said I'd never walk again.
Five weeks ago, the sign appeared on my garage door.
It said, "drink."
Drink?
Two days later, I was on a tour group with my church.
We stopped here.
And there it was.
So I drank.
And...
The doctor says it's a miracle.
I think he's right.
I've been telling everyone.
I even went on the 6:00 news, you know.
To spread the word.
Okay.
You're not a believer. I can tell.
Believe me, I was a lot more skeptical than you.
We all were.
So what do you do?
You're selling tickets? You got a gift shop?
[LAUGHING] No. There's no gimmick here, my friend.
Nobody's making a nickel on this.
In fact, we're losing money.
We were planning to build some classrooms
right where we're standing.
And now?
Well, we can't build here now. This is sacred ground.
Mm.
Are you a man of faith?
Um, I was an altar boy, and I thought
I wanted to be a priest when I was a kid.
It's never too late.
It's not a one-way street. You can always go back.
Take a leap.
$13.85.
It was supposed to be $14.
I counted $14.
These three bottles are from Canada.
We can't accept them.
All set?
The bums ripped me off.
Canadian bottles.
Aw, why don't you just fly up to Vancouver?
You can redeem 'em there.
Fly up to Vancouver?
You know how much that would cost?
I mean, the taxi ride to the airport alone...
I get it. You're joking.
- [LAUGHS] - Okay, what's this?
- Flowers for the captain. - No, I mean these.
Utensils. New plates.
Didn't I mention?
I invited a few friends to your place for Christmas dinner.
I don't have any friends.
Well, they're not really friends.
They're really more clients.
Well, I don't have any clients except the bums.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I said, I don't have any clients except for the bums.
OWEN MCCLOSKEY: Captain Stottlemeyer!
Feeling better?
Not really.
My brother-in-law had a bad back.
You know what fixed it?
- What? - Acupuncture.
He swears by it.
Been there. Done that.
I've tried everything.
I've tried crystals, acupuncture,
this morning, I was at the monastery
in Franklin Park drinking water from the fountain.
Oh, yeah, it was on the news.
- The miracle fountain. - Yeah.
Any luck?
Not yet.
Well, maybe it's a time-release miracle.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, say,
are you a religious man?
Can't say that I am.
I only ask 'cause I saw the...
OWEN: Oh, my ex-partner
put that up the day we opened.
Real devil dodger.
Used to go to church every week for years.
Rain or shine.
Till the day he embezzled $18,000 from me and disappeared.
Of course.
You got a partner?
[LAUGHING] Yes, I do.
Be careful. That's all I can tell you.
- Okay. - You're all set.
- All right. - Merry Christmas.
Okay, Merry Christmas.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Sorry I'm late.
What's that?
I forgot the gravy for Monday night, the big dinner.
You wasted a trip.
They make their own gravy.
Who makes their own gravy?
Bums.
Bums make their own gravy. What does that even mean?
You don't wanna know.
[ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF]
Heavenly father, as you know, life ain't easy for us.
But we know you're always there,
watching over us.
And we want to thank you for sending our new friends
Mr. Monk, Natalie, and Julie into our lives.
And may we remember our brothers and sisters
less fortunate than ourselves
in this season of giving.
Amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Mm, this is good.
This stuffing is delicious.
Oh, thank you, it's my grandmother's recipe.
I love this gravy.
Usually we make our own, but...
Excuse me, could you repeat that about the gravy?
Mm. Usually we make our own.
Huh. Isn't that interesting?
Natalie, did you hear that?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Huh? Interesting.
So, um, why do they you call you The Professor?
Julie, it's probably because he loves to read
and probably because he's curious about the world
and other cultures...
I eat books.
NATALIE: Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm just using my napkin to wipe away any food
that might be on my face.
I'm just wiping my face.
It's fun.
So how's our case coming?
Actually, there's been some progress there.
The medical examiner changed the cause of death.
It wasn't an accident after all. Your friend was asphyxiated.
He was drunk?
No, no, no, no, he was suffocated.
Probably with a plastic bag.
It's good news, actually,
because now they'll reopen the case.
Well, thank you for that, Mr. Monk.
I mean, we really appreciate that.
It's the best 14 bucks we ever spent.
Yeah, yeah, speaking of money,
it wasn't exactly $14.
You were a little short.
Yeah, this...
They wouldn't redeem these three bottles
'cause they are from guess where?
Canada.
- Yeah. - [NATALIE CLEARS THROAT]
I mean, it's no big deal.
It's 15 cents.
It's hardly worth mentioning, but...
Chalk extract.
Hey, Randy, have you seen the captain?
We've been calling him all night.
Well, he's not here. Why? What's going on?
You remember the homicide I was working?
Yeah, homeless guy.
Right. His name was Willie T.
The night he was killed, he was out collecting bottles and cans.
Yeah, remember that chalky herbal stuff the captain was drinking?
There were three bottles of the same drink
in Willie's shopping cart.
Which means that at some point that night
he was in the captain's yard, right?
Huh, that's interesting.
Yeah, maybe the captain saw something,
I mean, something unusual.
What is that?
What?
On your face.
On your lip.
It looks a little bit like a moustache.
Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job.
Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
You're making me a little uncomfortable.
Anyways, guys, the captain's gone.
You're too late.
He came in yesterday, he grabbed some stuff, and he just left.
- For how long? - He didn't say.
I won't need these anymore.
Uh, excuse me, what's going on?
The fountain is blessed.
Exodus 23.
"And ye shall serve the lord your God.
"And he shall bless thy bread and thy water.
And I will take the sickness from amidst thee."
No kidding.
We're looking for a friend of ours.
Uh, they found his car parked out front.
I haven't seen him. Sorry.
Mr. Monk, look at all these people.
They really believe in it.
Well, they're people. They'll believe anything.
Mr. Monk, you should try it.
You should drink from the fountain.
You can't be serious.
You're in so much pain all the time, you know?
What if there's something to it?
You know? I mean, anything's possible.
That's not exactly true.
A lot of things are what we call impossible.
- It's the opposite of possible. - I get it.
I'll give you an example.
Um, this.
Hallelujah.
Excuse me, we're looking for a friend of ours.
Leland.
He was here.
He still is.
Wow, it's beautiful.
Is it?
If you say so.
Hello.
I'm Brother Andrew.
Oh, hi.
I'm Natalie Teeger, and this is Adrian Monk.
[LAUGHS]
Mr. Monk and the Monk.
Sorry. Are you allowed to laugh?
We've been known to chuckle.
We're looking for a friend of ours, Leland Stottlemeyer.
Oh, yes, Brother Leland.
Brother Leland?
Can we talk to him?
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Brother Leland has taken a vow of silence.
Well, could we just see him?
We won't say a word.
We're investigating this homicide.
It's very, very important.
Well, you may go,
but I'm afraid, Miss Teeger, you're not permitted
beyond the foyer.
Continue down the hall and up the stairs, Mr. Monk.
Captain?
- Captain? - Shh.
Sorry. I'm just looking for...
Shh!
A friend of mine.
- Here's the thing. - Shh!
- Here's the... - Shh!
- Here's... - Shh!
- Here's the... - Shh!
- Here's... - Shh!
Shh!
- Here's... - Shh!
- Here's the thing. - Shh!
- Here's... - Shh!
Shhhhhhhhhh!
- It doesn't matter. - Shh!
Captain?
Capt...
Leland?
Are you okay?
Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but I need...
Shh!
It's about the...
[QUIETLY] Bum.
The bum who was...
killed.
He was at your house
the night he was murdered.
Did you see him?
Leland.
Why are you here?
The ceiling?
It's beautiful.
God?
He spoke to you?
What did he say?
"My dear friends, drinking from that fountain
has healed me, not just physically,
spiritually too.
I have made a decision.
I am leaving on Thursday morning, Christmas day,
to spend two years at a mission in Carmona, Spain,
to cleanse myself and start anew."
Two years?
"I want everyone to know
I am not running away from anything.
I'm running toward something...
something true and wonderful.
God bless you all,
Brother Leland."
And here's his badge.
Two years?
That's almost three years.
Without the captain?
What am I supposed to do?
It's almost as if he didn't even consider me.
Well, maybe he knows what he's doing.
Yeah. Maybe we should be happy for him.
Yeah.
Okay.
[LAUGHS WEAKLY]
Okay. Let me try.
[LAUGHS]
No, that's not gonna happen.
Mr. Monk, why don't you try it?
- Try what? - Drinking from the fountain.
It worked for the captain.
I don't think so.
Oh, God, Mr. Monk, come on.
You have to believe in something.
I don't know what I'd do if I didn't think I'd see Mitch again.
You mean in heaven?
Of course in heaven!
Where'd you think I was going?
Well, you know, the drinking, and you kissed a leper.
You think I'm going to hell?
- She kissed a leper. - Mr. Monk, seriously.
Seriously, deep down, in your heart of hearts,
don't you believe that you'll see Trudy again?
All right, you know what?
Come on. We'll be back in an hour. Don't open any Christmas presents.
What? Where are we going?
This can count as my Christmas gift.
Where are we going?
You look thirsty. I think you need a drink.
What? Oh, no.
Katie? What are you doing here?
I told you we can't be seen together.
You're going to ruin everything.
Are you going somewhere?
I-I can't do it anymore, Owen.
I'm sorry.
These people, they're coming from all over now,
and some of them are really sick.
- So what? - You're not there.
They're... They're throwing their medicine away.
They really believe in the fountain.
That was the whole idea.
I promise I won't tell anyone.
I just want to get away.
Don't be a child!
Nobody's going anywhere.
You and I both know what's under that fountain.
You're in this now.
We're both in it.
Understand?
[WHIMPERS]
Don't worry, darling.
It's almost over.
- I can't do it. - Oh, Mr. Monk, come on.
- I can't. - Please.
Look, there's the captain's cane.
Yeah, it's part of the ritual, because he didn't need it anymore.
Please drink.
Natalie?
What? What is it?
These pills.
Half the bottles... More than half...
are from the same pharmacy.
There's something wrong here.
Here. Just put this in your bag.
Yeah.
Take some more.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'm afraid you have to stay back.
This may be a crime scene.
- A crime scene? - Conspiracy. Probably fraud.
It isn't fraud. It was murder.
This has gone on long enough.
It wasn't me.
I didn't even know him then.
Nine years ago, my fiancé caught his business partner
stealing money, and killed him.
Your fiancé?
Owen McCloskey.
He filled those prescriptions.
The pharmacist.
[GREGORIAN CHANT]
Captain.
- Captain, you can't go to Spain... - Without knowing the truth.
Shh!
It wasn't a miracle.
The water, the fountain, it was all a hoax.
NATALIE: I'm sorry, captain.
MONK: It was the pharmacist, Owen McCloskey.
He killed Willie T.
[CHANTING]
♪ Here's what happened ♪
♪ McCloskey killed his partner ♪
♪ And buried him here ♪
♪ Nine years later ♪
♪ Planning to renovate ♪
♪ Body would be discovered ♪
NATALIE: ♪ He couldn't dig up the body ♪
♪ They had built a fountain there ♪
♪ He had to stop them from digging ♪
♪ He started changing their prescriptions ♪
♪ To make his patients sicker ♪
NATALIE: ♪ That's why you never got better ♪
♪ He did it to everyone ♪
♪ He painted that sign on your door ♪
♪ Willie the bum ♪
♪ Must have seen him ♪
♪ That's why McCloskey killed him ♪
MONKS: ♪ Amen ♪
So he was messing with everybody's medication.
Making us all sicker.
And then he sent us to that fountain.
That's it.
So after we drank,
he'd give us some real medication.
[LAUGHS]
Making us all feel better.
And it worked.
The fountain became a shrine,
a sacred place.
Which, of course, they would never dig up.
Well, so much for miracles.
Thank you, Mr. Monk.
This is the best Christmas I can remember.
I was just doing my job.
REGGIE: No, it wasn't just that.
Thanks for the caring.
Well, the caring part was mostly Natalie.
We, uh, we wanted to give you something.
We made it ourselves.
It's gravy.
- I can't take that. - No, we insist.
After all you've done for us.
No, no, no, he means he literally can't take it.
I got it, though. Thank you so much.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Thank you so much.
Merry Christmas.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
McCloskey's already talking.
We're digging up the fountain tomorrow too.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
I'm not.
How's that?
I'm not sorry.
I know it's all a hoax. I know it's a big con game. But...
[LAUGHS] It felt real.
That's all I can say.
Randy, when I drank that water, something happened.
It was like a slate inside me was wiped clean
and I started over.
It felt great.
[SIGHS]
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call my son.
Oh, no, no, hang on. Wait a minute.
Um, I almost forgot.
This is for you.
Merry Christmas.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Jared, hey!
I was just about to call you.
Yeah, I love you too.
It's a razor.
Is this for me?
Shave it.
Oh, I...
Oh, I'd love to see you.
I'm... I...
I'm free all weekend.
That'd be great.
What if I grow a little goatee instead?
No.
Uh, Friday, uh, Friday, yeah.
Friday night, I'll pick you up at the airport.
What about sideburns? I could do sideburns.
Like, probably down to the bottom of my ear, I bet.
- Mutton chops. - No.
Hey, look, um, Friday night, I'll meet you at the airport.
Soul patch.
I can do a soul patch right there.
Really? Wh... Wh... What's her name?
Awesome.
I mean, that... that's great.
Cool.
- [LAUGHS] Okay. - I'll be in the car.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]