Your liquor license is expired.
It's probably all right.
My name is Adrian Monk. I'm meeting someone.
Mr. Monk?
Thank you for coming.
Sit down.
I know your work.
I'm a big fan.
There's, uh, more light over there.
I prefer the dark.
You obviously got my note.
And the money.
$500 to meet you alone, ten minutes.
It's very generous.
There's more where that came from.
I have a job to offer you, Mr. Monk.
It will take you one night.
Not even one night.
Two hours.
I'm willing to pay you $20,000 for your trouble.
My name is Derek Bronson.
Bronson?
Bronson Technologies.
I thought he--
- You-- - You thought I was dead.
Most days, I wish I was.
I was ballooning solo up the coast.
I'd done it a thousand times.
That day, seven years ago,
the trade wind shifted.
Everybody assumed I was lost at sea.
Actually, I landed on a small island
west of Guam.
And you stayed there for seven years?
I could've come back years ago.
But...
I got sick.
Would you like to hear about the job?
Yes, of course.
But first, I have a couple of questions.
Sick is a funny word.
Could mean anything from a mild headache to--
When I say sick,
I mean sick.
Mr. Monk...
I am a leper.
There you are. I was getting worried about you.
Just get in. Get in. Start the car!
Well, what happened? Tell you later.
Let's get out of here.
What are you doing? Unlock the door!
- It's a new car. - Natalie. Please!
It must be this button. I don't know.
Forget it! Oh, wait.
Mr. Monk, where are you going?
I'll meet you back at the house.
Wait, Mr. Monk.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Mr. Monk, I got it.
I got it!
Any more soap?
That's it.
No, I mean is there any more soap in San Francisco?
Mr. Monk, you've been scrubbing your hand for nine hours.
I'm surprised you have any skin left.
It's not coming out.
I can still feel it. I think it's spreading.
What are you doing?
Is that kerosene?
- Light me. - What?
For the love of God, light me!
Okay, Mr. Monk, I'm not gonna light your hand on fire.
Fine.
You know what? Get out--
You are overreacting, all right?
All you did was shake a man's hand.
You're right.
You know what?
I'm glad it happened.
The worst possible thing
that could ever happen to me has happened.
I shook hands...
with a leper.
And I survived.
Exactly.
Worst moment of my life
is behind me now.
I'm free.
Wait.
Okay, now I'm free.
Um, actually...
Mr. Monk, it's not completely over.
Uh, don't be mad.
But I talked to Mr. Bronson.
You did what? What?!
He called here this morning.
The leper?! He called me?
On what phone? On this--
- On this phone? - Yes.
Mr. Monk, you can't catch anything over the phone.
And now, all of the sudden, you're an expert on lepers?
You know, he's a nice man, all right?
He's in pain. He was crying his eyes out.
And-- okay, listen to me.
He upped his offer.
He said he would pay you $25,000.
All you have to do is meet him again.
Natalie, listen.
Let me explain something to you.
No!
That's it? That's your argument?
Okay, let's go through it.
A, whatever he's asking us to do is probably illegal.
B through Z,
- the man is a leper! - You know what?
I don't know anything about leprosy, and neither do you.
So I called a doctor.
He's a specialist.
He said we could come in and talk with him.
Let's just see what he recommends, okay?
I mean, it can't hurt to listen, right?
$25,000.
You okay?
Are you holding your breath?
Is that Randy?
Oh, my God.
That is so funny.
Not funny in a "Ha, ha" way,
but funny in an "Oh, boy, this'll really embarrass him" way.
Miss Teeger?
Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm--
I'm Dr. Polanski.
- Hi. - Hi.
So-- so nice to meet you.
This is my boss. This is Adrian Monk.
Thank you for seeing us. It won't take much of your time.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, Doctor. Can I ask you one thing? - Certainly.
Right over here.
- Go ahead. - Is that Randy Disher?
Yeah, Randy was one of my first patients.
Do you know him?
Uh, I know Randy Disher.
I don't know that kid.
Well, you know, teen years.
I don't know how any of us survived it.
We can talk over here. Come on.
You're not gonna catch anything in here.
Promise.
Come on.
Now.
What can I do for you?
Could you explain to my friend that leprosy is a serious condition?
It's very contagious.
Well, actually, that's a common misconception.
- See? - For one thing,
it's not called leprosy anymore.
It's called Hansen's disease.
It's quite rare. Most people are naturally immune to it.
And if you do happen to contract it,
it's easily treatable with an antibiotic
called halazzen.
See, I've been talking to this man. He wants to hire us.
But he's allergic to halazzen.
Yes, that does happen.
Is his condition full-blown?
Oh, yes.
Ye-- yes, yes.
Yes, full-blown.
Fullll...
- blown! - Sir?
Full-blown.
I don't think you have to worry.
As I said, it's not very contagious.
I've been practicing for 15 years.
I've only seen one case first-hand.
I can't do it. I just-- I-- I can't do it.
Well, how about this?
If you do contract the disease...
I'll treat you for free.
The hell are you talking about? How 'bout this?
We never call the guy back. We don't see him again.
I avoid him like the plague.
Yeah, you know what?
- Exactly like the plague. - You know what?
Could I just talk to you for a second?
- Just excuse us. - Please.
Mr. Monk.
- Did you hear what he just said? - No.
He said it's almost impossible to catch.
Yeah.
In that sentence, for me,
the word "almost" is really the most interesting word.
Okay, Mr. Bronson has an affliction.
He needs our compassion and understanding.
You know what? Let me let you in on a little secret, Mr. Monk.
You're no picnic, either.
A lot of people would rather not deal with you, but they do.
They reach out to you.
And Mr. Bronson is offering us a lot of money to do the same thing.
And I've been talking to him. You wouldn't even have to shake his hand.
Good.
Because I would rather die...
than have to shake his hand again.
You don't even have to look at him.
All you have to do is go back to that bar
and sit and listen to what he has to say.
You just sit there and listen.
Stop it. Stop.
Thank you for coming, Mr. Monk.
I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me again.
Why would you think that?
My assistant is over there.
I know she'd like to meet you.
I'm sorry.
I can't bear to have a woman see me.
Not like this.
I'm hideous.
No.
I wouldn't say... hideous, exactly.
Believe it or not,
women used to find me quite attractive.
I never went home alone.
After I married Mandy,
I resisted those kind of temptations.
At least, I usually resisted them.
Gah! Oh, God.
- Have I offended you? - No.
No, sorry. You just leaned into the light.
Sorry.
I had an affair.
That was my first mistake.
She wrote me some letters, which I kept.
That was mistake number two.
In a week, there'll be a probate hearing.
I'll be officially declared dead.
The vultures are gonna go through my office,
reading every file, opening every drawer.
They'll find the letters.
The letters themselves don't mean anything to me.
But they would destroy my wife.
Mr. Monk, I want to hire you
to break into my home,
find the letters, and bring them back.
That's the job?
It's still my house.
So you wouldn't be breaking any law.
Why don't you just do it yourself?
I tried.
I--
I just couldn't do it.
That house...
that life, everything I've lost.
It's just...
too painful.
I've drawn you a map.
Everything you need-- the layout,
the security codes.
I just have one question.
Why me?
I'm not a thief.
Exactly.
You're an honorable man.
You won't turn around and try to blackmail me.
Mr. Monk, I am at your mercy.
I'm reaching out to you.
That's okay. I get it.
You don't have to really...reach.
I get it.
Will you help me?
So what happened?
I took the job.
Be careful.
I could use some help.
I am helping. I just told you to be careful.
Wish we had more time.
No, no, no. It has to be tonight.
The leper said his wife goes into town
every Friday to visit her mother.
Mr. Monk, please stop calling him "the leper."
He has a name.
Believe me, he's got other things to worry about.
Car! Car!
Get down!
Okay. Now.
Hurry. What are you waiting for?
Go!
- Okay, you're next. - No.
It's, uh-- it's wobbly.
Somebody has to hold it.
Mr. Monk, I can't come back. I'm already over.
Well, it's too wobbly.
Look, it's all wobbly.
I can't climb this. Why is it so wobbly?
- How did you do that? - I opened the gate.
Good thinking. Okay, hold the ladder.
No, Mr. Monk, the gate is open.
Natalie, look.
These are the leper's instructions.
I promised him I would follow them to a tee.
We nodded on it.
Well, I'm using the gate.
Okay, but don't tell the leper.
The leper was right. She never changed the locks.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
He said it's kinda tricky.
He says you have to slide it.
Here's the code.
2, 4, 6, 2.
The leper thought of everything.
They look so happy.
Here it is.
Top drawer.
In the back.
Freeze!
Don't move.
I'm calling the police.
You're supposed to be at your mother's.
My mother died five years ago.
What are those?
Throw them here now.
Now!
Mrs. Bronson, you don't want to read those.
Who sent you?
Here's the thing.
I said who sent you?
Your husband.
Derek?
He's alive?
Is he okay?
Well...
"Okay" is a funny word.
So you've seen him?
Most of him.
Where is he?
Can you take me to him?
Mrs. Bronson, you need to trust us.
There are reasons why your husband cannot see you.
What, because of these?
These don't mean a thing.
I've known about this girl for years.
Please. I have to see him.
That's not a good idea. Trust us.
Or I can have you both arrested right now
for breaking and entering.
Over here.
Mr. Monk?
Miss--
Miss Teeger.
Did you get the letters?
Derek.
- Mandy. - You're alive?
I knew it.
I always knew it.
You're wrong, darling.
I died seven years ago.
Are you looking for these?
Oh, Mandy.
She didn't mean anything to me.
I know that, Derek.
I've known about this woman for years.
I forgave you a long, long time ago.
No, please.
Stay away.
It's okay.
Let me see you.
I just want you to come home.
I can't. Not like this.
Go away. Forget about me.
Darling, there are doctors,
treatments. There must be something they can do.
You don't think I've tried?
I've gone to every doctor in Europe.
No one would have to see you. You could stay inside.
We could build you a room in the new house.
What new house?
You're-- you're moving?
I have to move.
As of next week, you're legally dead.
Your sister's kids will inherit everything.
I--
I barely know them.
Darling, that money is yours.
Unfortunately, your will says otherwise.
Tell them I'm not dead.
I'm-- I'll write you a letter.
Sweetheart.
They're not going to believe me.
Or any letter.
There's a probate hearing next week. You could come.
You could talk to them.
No, no. It's out of the question.
Not like this.
Mr. Monk.
Is that you?
Yes, yes.
I'm afraid I have one more favor to ask.
"Wife Claims Missing "Billionaire Husband Still Alive.
"Probate hearing is set for tomorrow.
"Former homicide detective Adrian Monk
is set to testify."
What the hell's Hansen's disease?
Leprosy. He's a leper.
Oh, my God.
I thought they lived in colonies. You know, like in Ben Hur.
And, uh, you met this guy face-to-face?
Yep, he's a client. He called us. He needed our help.
Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice
and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
I shook his hand.
I can still feel it.
He's not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist.
Randy, I think you might know him.
Dr. Polanski?
No.
Aaron Polanski?
- Can't say that I do. - Really?
Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Right. It was a case.
I was undercover, posing as a kid,
a teenager with bad acne.
Captain, you remember that case?
- You're on your own, Randy. - Still tingling.
Well, I'll tell him you said hi. We're going out tomorrow night.
When this hearing was originally scheduled,
the intention was to have Mr. Bronson
officially declared deceased.
But, as you all know, some new information
has surfaced, provided by his wife
Mrs. Bronson.
We have her statement,
plus a handwritten letter from Mr. Bronson.
Which cannot be authenticated.
Of course it's not a perfect match.
I told you. Derek is sick.
He could hardly write his own name.
That's rather convenient, isn't it?
It wasn't just me.
Mr. Monk saw him, too.
Your Honor, if I may.
Mr. Monk.
Is this the man you saw?
I believe it is.
According to your testimony,
you only saw him in a dimly lit bar and a parking garage.
Hardly ideal conditions.
That's true.
Well, Mr. Bronson's nephews
have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated.
I'm reluctant to make a decision based on one man's testimony.
Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone.
His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Well, there's a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory.
Mr. Monk.
Would you mind standing up and turning around?
Could you describe my shirt?
Which one?
The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt your stenographer is wearing?
That's your shirt, too, isn't it?
You cut yourself shaving,
and there's a tiny drop of blood on her collar.
What are you implying?
You were having a sex affair with her on that couch.
The cushions are backwards.
And one of her earrings fell off.
It's, um...
it's right here.
She must have torn her blouse.
I can see it sticking out of her briefcase.
Your Honor.
I'm ready with my decision.
I will accept Mr. Monk's word that he met with Derek Bronson.
Therefore, Mrs. Bronson
will retain control of the entire estate.
How long has Mr. Steiner been living here?
11 years.
And he never missed a canasta game in all that time until last night.
When was the last time you saw him?
Monday. I saw him leaving.
And he didn't have a gig.
I could tell because he didn't take his sheet music.
He's a musician.
I know he's a musician.
He's one of my oldest tenants.
You don't think I know he's a musician?
Mrs. Kennedy, relax.
When you called the police, you asked for homicide.
Now, I don't see any evidence of a murder here.
He's dead. I know it.
The canasta game.
Plus!
I found his cat starving this morning.
How do you explain that?
Why don't you wait downstairs, Mrs. Kennedy?
And we'll take a look around for you.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Background music.
You know, they don't keep playing the same thing over and over.
Sure, they do.
Hard to concentrate.
Isn't it?
Hey, Randy.
Look at this.
What do you got?
Makeup kit.
Bandages.
Skin Disease.
That's interesting bedtime reading.
His appointment book.
Looking pretty busy every weekend.
Captain, look at this.
Last New Year's Eve, he played a private party for Mandy Bronson.
Boy, this must be the best first date
in the history of first dates.
Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.
I'm so glad your boss needed my help.
Mm, me, too.
Whatever happened with that case?
Oh, it's over.
Bronson went back to his leper colony on Camino Island.
He says he loves it there.
Really?
Well, you know, I can believe it.
I've seen some colonies in Africa.
They're like four-star hotels.
You really are an expert.
Well, I should be.
Why is that?
Well, you remember I said I knew one person with leprosy?
- It was me. - What was you?
I had it as a kid.
Leprosy. Hansen's disease.
Well, don't worry. I'm completely cured.
Yeah, actually, it's why I became a doctor.
Oh. Yeah.
It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Really.
Imagine that.
Okay.
- What are you doing? - Making a snack.
Oh, no.
No, I promised your mother.
No junk food.
- You promised? - Yeah.
I am the babysitter.
I don't think so.
My mom said I was babysitting you.
Okay.
Are you getting paid?
- Yeah. - How much?
You know, that's between your mother and me.
Why? How much are you getting?
$8 an hour.
An hour?
I guess you're the sitter.
Enjoy your fries.
"Since 1840." Who needed ketchup in 1840?
The security panel.
Pardon me?
The security panel in Bronson's house!
Bendis Security, founded 2003.
The leper said he hadn't been home in seven years.
How did he know about that alarm system?
Julie, I was duped.
It was all a con.
A "leper-con."
- What? - Was he magically delicious?
Okay, thanks. I'll talk to you later. Bye!
- Natalie! - Oh, God.
Natalie, listen.
Mom.
Hotter! Need it hotter.
But Mom, are you okay?
I'm fine, honey.
How was the date? Oh, it was great.
Sweetheart, I need you to do me something.
I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Listen to this. - I gotta tell you something.
- We've been duped! - I've been duped!
Are you ready for this? You're not gonna believe this.
He's not a leper. He's a leper!
Oh, God.
You have the camera? You better have the camera.
What are we looking for?
Evidence, proof, anything.
Oh, how could I not have seen it?
Derek Bronson is not a leper.
Hey, watch it.
Derek Bronson is dead.
His wife killed him seven years ago.
And she's been living off his money ever since.
I mean, she-- Watch the shoes.
She knew that when he was declared dead officially,
the will would kick in,
the nephews would get everything,
and the party would be over.
So she found someone who resembled Derek.
And she either hired him or seduced him
to suddenly "reappear."
Will you please?
That's why they chose me.
Adrian Monk, the perfect patsy.
They knew about my problems.
They knew I'd never take a good look at the guy.
So there never really was a leper.
Except for the guy you were making out with all night.
Are you drinking that?
Where's the woman who's been lecturing me all week
about compassion and tolerance?
It's not funny. You didn't have your tongue down his throat.
I shook hands with one. That's bad enough.
Your leper wasn't even a real leper.
I thought he was real. My leper was the real deal.
That's what counts. You know the old saying,
There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper?
- No, I never heard that one. - Well, it's a saying. Up you go.
- Up you go. - Up you.
- Up. - Go.
Go.
- What if she's home? - She's not home.
We've been calling the house all morning.
- You still have the key? - Yeah.
What is that?
- You hear that? - Yeah.
Can I help you?
Oh, no, I'm just browsing.
Browsing for what?
Oh, did I say browsing?
No, I'm-- I'm waiting.
I'm just-- just waiting for someone.
Randall. What a nice...surprise.
Hey, Doc.
This fell off the wall.
Right. Yeah.
Not to worry.
We'll just toss it.
- Thanks. - That's okay.
Well, you're looking good.
Thanks.
Well, uh... I'll, uh...see you around.
- Take care. - Oh, hey, I, uh,
I hear you're dating a friend of mine.
Natalie Teeger.
Oh, yeah, she's amazing.
But I don't think it's gonna happen.
Well, she reacted pretty badly when I told her I used to have leprosy.
Really?
She couldn't handle it, huh?
No.
Some people.
Actually, I-I've been trying to reach her
to give her a heads up.
I think Derek Bronson lied to her.
He told her he's been living on Camino Island.
But I checked this morning,
and it turns out the leper colony there has been closed for two years.
Really?
I mean, maybe that guy wasn't really Bronson.
I mean, all those bandages.
Well, no, I mean, the wife met him.
It's funny, though. We--
We're working on another case, missing persons.
We were gonna talk to Monk about it.
We found a makeup kit and a book on skin diseases.
I think I'm gonna stop by and have a chat with the wife.
Thanks, Doc.
Can I come with you?
It-- it-- if Natalie is in trouble, I'd just--
I'd like to be there.
- Yeah, sure. - Oh, that's great. Thank you.
Why don't we, uh, take separate cars?
Randy, I'm not contagious.
No, that's not what I meant.
Is that what you thought I meant?
- I mean, is that what you-- - Seemed like that.
Hello?
Can't it wait?
Hold on.
Oh, my God.
Why all the barbells?
Weights.
She's gonna dump him in the ocean.
Probably did the same thing seven years ago to her husband.
I know this guy.
He's the leper.
- He's not my leper. - No, he's my leper.
We better call it in. Give me your phone.
No, no. There's no time. Here she comes.
Come on, that way!
- No, we'll never make it! - That way!
- That way. - I don't think so.
No, come on.
Alright, get up!
Help me unhook them.
- Hurry! - Throw the ropes!
Do something!
We're moving.
Hurry!
- Mr. Monk, take the ropes down. - Faster!
- I'm trying.
- That's good. - Go, go, go.
Now it's good. Okay, okay.
Here we go. Do something!
I'm trying.
We're too high.
Stay down!
We're too high!
Stay down, I said!
Police officer! Put your gun down!
Wait, it's Randy. He's with somebody.
Drop the gun!
It's my leper.
Too low, too low. We're too low!
We're too low, we're too low.
Put the gun down now!
Now!
Down on your knees, and put your hands in front of you.
Down on your knees, and put your hands in front of you. Now!
Now!
We're too low!
We're too low.
We're too low!
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
We're too low!
We're gonna crash!
Mr. Monk, where are you?
I'm down here!
Down--
down here!
Take my hand.
You can do it.
Is there--
Is there anybody else...
up there?
Could you look around please?
Take my hand, or you'll die!
I'm...thinking.
Please, please.
Take my hand.
Come on. That's it.
Come on. Come up here.
Give me your other hand. I've got you.
Well.
What's the matter?
Hey, is the necklace too much?
Mom, you look hot.
You must really like this guy.
You're not scared?
No, why would I be scared?
Well, um, Mr. Monk, he said--
We can't all live by Mr. Monk's rules.
What kind of world would this be?
- Am I late? - No, you're right on time.
You're perfect.
Well, these are for you.
Oh, thank you.
And...
Oh-- oh, gosh.
Sorry. Give me a little time. Work in progress.
Yeah, well, you take all the time you want.
- Come on in. - Okay, thank you.
Uh, is that Monk?
Adrian. Did you get my message?
Hey, Doc. I meant to call you.
I'm not much of a golfer, but thanks for the invite.
What are you cooking?
Maybe we should stay in tonight.
You go have fun. You go out. Go, go, go, go, go.
I've got a little bit of a cold. I'd hate for you to catch it,
and I just mopped the floor.
- I got a little bit of a cold. - Cold?
And I just mopped the floor.
Yeah, okay.
I'll, uh, I'll catch you next time.
Catch you next time.
Okay. All right.
Oh, Aaron, I want you to meet somebody.
This is Julie.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
I've heard a lot about you.
Yeah.
Well, uh, shall we get going?
- Take care. - Bye.
Shall we?
Mr. Monk.