CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY
CARTOON NETWORK
[ JET ENGINE ROARING ]
[ WHISTLING ]
[ Robotic voice ] KIDS NEXT DOOR
C.H.O.P.S.H.O.P....
CRAB-LIKE HEADQUARTERS
OBVIOUSLY PACK
SUPER HAIR-OBLITERATING POWER.
[ CREAKING ]
[ FLOORBOARD CREAKS ]
[ SNORING ]
- [ Southern accent] - HO-O-WDY!
YOU FELLAS GOT TO EXCUSE
MY LACK OF HOSPITALITY.
I MUST'VE DOZED OFF
WHILE READING THIS HERE
MODERN MOUSTACHE MAGAZINE.
UHH.
- [ Southern accent ] - YE-E-E-HAW!
- IS THAT THERE - THE LATEST ISSUE?
- IT'S WORSE - THAN WE THOUGHT!
- [ Southern accent ] - HEY, THERE, PARTNERS!
- Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT - MOUSTACHES?!
THIS PLACE IS INFESTED.
QUICK, GET THESE KIDS
OUT OF HERE!
UGH!
YAH!
LOCK AND LOAD, NUMBUH 1!
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU COWPOKES - DOING?!
AND WHERE ARE YOUR MOUSTA...
YA-A-A-H! OH!
WHY, YOU SIDE-WINDING
SON OF A POLE... OW!
WHOA!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- LITTLE SHAVER TO HEDGE CLIPPER, - YOU'VE GOT CUSTOMERS.
ROGER THAT.
C.H.O.P.S.H.O.P. IS OPEN
FOR BUSINESS.
YAAAAAAAAA!
OW! EW!
HEY! EW!
EW! WOW! EW!
UGH!
OHH, MAN.
A CUSTOMER!!
DON'T WORRY, MR. FUZZY.
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT!
NO-O-O-O-O!
YOU TWO-TIMING LITTLE HEAP
OF BLUE JAY DROPPINGS!
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
NO! HE-E-E-LP!
NUMBUH 1, WE GOT OURSELVES
A CLEAN ONE HERE.
NUMBER 142,
ARE YOU OKAY?
[ Weakly ] SAVE... YOURSELVES.
TAKE IT EASY, PAL.
JUST TELL US WHAT HAPPENED.
IT ALL STARTED WHEN NUMBER 149
WENT TO HIS MOM'S OFFICE.
HE CAME BACK WITH A...
A HIDEOUS MOUSTACHE!
- SUDDENLY, HE STOPPED - GOING ON MISSIONS
OR BUILDING
NEW 2x4 TECHNOLOGY.
ALL HE CARED ABOUT
WAS GROOMING THAT THING!
BEFORE WE COULD DO ANYTHING
ABOUT IT, NUMBER 161 GOT ONE.
THEN NUMBER 143!
AND NOW LOOK AT ME!
PEACH FUZZ!
YOU GOT TO HELP ME!
I'M TOO YOUNG TO LOOK LIKE
SOME GREASY UNCLE!
OW!
KEEP IT TOGETHER, MAN!
YOU'VE GOT TO TELL US WHERE
NUMBER 149 GOT THE MOUSTACHE!
T-THERE.
UH, YOU MEAN THAT
LITTLE RED BUILDING
- OVER THERE - ON THE RIGHT?
NO, YOU IDIOT!
THE ONE WITH THE... UGH!
[ GROANING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
NUMBER 142!
[ Southern accent ]
I LOOK GO-O-OD!
GO-O-SH DARN IT!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD
LIKE A BONA FIDE MOUSTACHE!
I'M GONNA SPEND THE WHO-O-LE DAY
COMBING IT,
AND GRO-O-OMING IT, AND... UGH!
WHAT IN TA-A-RNATION?!
YOU WILL BE AVENGED,
NUMBER 142.
YOU WILL BE AVENGED!
[ Southern accent ]
FINE MOUSTACHE
SAY, THAT'S A MIGHTY
- YOU GOT THERE, - NED.
- [ Southern accent ] - WELL, THANK YOU, ED.
- I WAS JUST ADMIRING - THE ONE ON TED.
- [ Southern accent ] - WE-E-LL, THANK YOU, NED.
WELL, YOUR MOUSTACHE
IS YOUR BEST FRIEND, ED.
- HMM, SO, - ANY GROOMING TIPS, NED?
WELL, ED, IT'S LIKE I WAS
TELLING TED THE OTHER DAY,
YOU GOT TO BE GOOD
TO YOUR MOUSTACHE!
- YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN', - NED.
- WELL, THANK YOU - MUCHLY, ED.
SO HOW LONG YOU SPEND GROOMING
YOUR MOUSTACHE THERE, ED?
- WELL, TED, - I TELLS YOU...
'SCUSE ME, FELLERS!
LOOKS LIKE Y'ALL DROPPED
YOUR... MOUSTACHE?
RRRRR!
WHAT IN TARNATION?!
SHAVING TIME, MATE!
NO, NOT MY... AAAAAH!
- THEY GOT TED! - LET'S GET 'EM!
AHA! AHA!
[ BOTH GRUNT ]
SHAVING CREAM! SHAVING CREAM!
OHHHHH! OHHHHH!
IT'S SUDSY!
HUH?! HUH?!
NO-O-O-O! NO-O-O-O!
ALL RIGHT, SMOOTH GUY.
WHERE'S THE HEAD MOUSTACHE?
[ No accent ]
YOU... YOU GOT TO HELP US!
HE WON'T REST TILL THE
WHOLE WORLD HAS MOUSTACHES!
WHERE?!
TOP FLOOR!
BUT YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT
OF HERE WITHOUT FACIAL HAIR!
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!
ALL RIGHT, TEAM!
LET'S GO CLIP SOME LIP!
[ BELL DINGS ]
HMM? HMM?
UH-OH. UH-OH.
[ BUZZING ]
WHO-O-A! WHO-O-A!
OHH! OHH!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
UGH! UGH!
STAY FROSTY, TEAM.
[ Southern accent ]
WELL, WELL, WELL!
I DIDN'T THINK Y'ALL'D
GET THIS FAR!
BUT NOW Y'ALL ARE GONNA HAVE
TO TANGLE WITH ME!
YEE-HAW!
EW! EW!
DON'T MOVE,
LADY SASQUATCH!
WE'RE HERE TO SHEAR!
OHH, COME ON, NOW!
LET ME TAKE CARE OF THEM
FUNNY-LOOKING SIX-SHOOTERS!
NOW, WHAT IN TARNATION DO YOU
KIDS HAVE AGAINST MOUSTACHIOS?
DON'T YOU WANT
TO LOOK MORE ADULT?
DON'T YOU WANT
TO BE MORE CONFIDENT?
DON'T YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE...
A FREAK?
- IF YOU ADULTS - WANT TO WALK AROUND
WITH THAT STUPID FUZZ
ON YOUR FACE, FINE.
- BUT LEAVE US KIDS - OUT OF IT.
YOU DON'T RECKON
WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST.
WHEN I GET DONE,
THERE'LL BE A BIG, OLD MOUSTACHE
ON EVERY FACE
IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
EVERYWHERE...
BIG WONDERFUL MOUSTA...
[ GRUNTING ]
[ WHIMPERING, PANTING ]
[ No accent ]
PLEASE... H-HELP ME!
HUH? HUH?
YOU GOT TO HELP!
[ GRUNTING ]
[ Southern accent ] QUIET,
YOU TWO-TIMING POLECAT!
[ GRUNTING ]
- [ No accent ] PLEASE, - GET THIS THING OFF MY FACE!
[ GRUNTING ]
[ Southern accent ] PIPE DOWN,
YOU LILY-LIVERED COWARD!
[ GRUNTS ]
- [ No accent ] - HELP!
- [ Southern accent ] - SHUT UP!
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A MOUSTACHE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!
[ GRUNTING AND GROANING ]
KIDS NEXT DOOR,
LET'S SPLIT SOME HAIRS.
AAAAH!
Numbuh 1: HOLD YOUR FIRE!
WE'VE GOT OURSELVES
A MOBILE MOUSTACHE.
[ Southern accent ]
YOU RIDING COWPOKES!
DROP YOUR SHOOTING IRONS,
Y'ALL THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST
MARCH IN HERE AND STOP ME!
SOON YOU'LL SEE
THE GLORY, THE BEAUTY,
THE POWER OF A MOUSTACHE!
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
[ No accent ]
WHY, YOU NO GOOD MOUSTACHE!
YOU MAY BE HAIR TODAY, BUT
YOU'LL BE GONE TOMORROW!
WHAT?
AAH! AAH!
[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
YAH! GOT IT!
ALL RIGHT, KIDS NEXT DOOR.
POLISH HIM OFF!
NOW, NUMBUH 4!
UGH! CLEAR!
- HOW ABOUT A LITTLE - OFF THE TOP?!
[ Southern accent ]
NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
HUH?! HUH?!
[ Crying ] PLEASE.
HAVE MERCY!
WE MEAN NO HARM.
ALL WE SEEK IS...
A... A HOME!
[ ALL CRYING ]
Y'ALL DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE.
WE USED TO BE EVERYWHERE.
WE WAS IMPORTANT
AND HIGHLY REGARDED.
WE SHARED THE FACES OF
PRESIDENTS, ATHLETES,
SCIENTISTS, CELEBRITIES,
AND PRIVATE DETECTIVES.
BUT NOW, [SNORTS] WE'RE LUCKY
TO EVEN WIND UP ON A [GASPS]
PROFESSIONAL BOWLER!
[ SOBBING ]
[ No accent ]
AWW!
YOU POOR KITTY!
OH, KITTY! THAT'S THE SADDEST
STORY I'VE EVER HEARD!
OH, COME ON, NUMBUH 3!
THAT "KITTY" TRIED
TAKING OVER YOUR FACE!
SHE JUST NEEDS
A PLACE TO BE LOVED!
WE GOT TO HELP HER!
UHH, JUST FOR THE RECORD.
I'M A GUY MOUSTACHE.
I SAW WE SHAVE THAT THING OFF
THE FACE OF THE EARTH!
AND BETTER YET...
WE'RE HELPING KITTY!!
I-I VOTE FOR
HELPING THE KITTY.
HMM.
I THINK NUMBUH 5
HAS AN IDEA!
[ JET ENGINE ROARING ]
[ WHISTLING ]
[ SQUAWKING ]
[ PUNCHES CONNECTING ]
[ Southern accent ]
GO-O-LDANG! I LOOK GO-O-O-OD!
[ ALARM RINGING ]
[ BEEPING ]
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
PHEW!
[ ALARM BLARING ]
- [ Robotic voice ] - MALFUNCTION.
NO. I CAN'T GO BACK.
HE'S WAITING
FOR ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!
RIGHT ON TIME,
NIGEL, OLD BOY.
WE DON'T WANT TO MISS
ANY OF THE ACTION, DO WE?
[ Sighing ] OHH.
DAD, I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES.
I DON'T WANT TO GO FISHING!
NONSENSE! ALL FATHERS AND SONS
GO ON FISHING TRIPS.
I READ IT IN THE "DADS'
OF THE NEWSPAPER.
DO'S AND DON'TS" SECTION
BUT I HAVE IMPORTANT KIDS NEXT
DOOR MISSIONS AND STUFF TO DO.
QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR DAD
IS TODAY'S MISSION, SON.
[ GROANS ]
[ HORNS HONKING ]
SPEED IT UP, GRANDMA!
MOVE IT, PAL!
ALL THIS SPEEDY DRIVING
SURE IS HARD ON THE NERVES.
I COULD USE SOME GOOD,
OLD RELAXING MUSIC.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH, COME ON, DAD!
YOU KNOW I HATE THE TUBA!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
SO DO I, SON.
SO... DO... I.
BUT THIS SOUSAPHONE MUSIC
SURE IS TOP CRACKERS, EH?!
UGH!
[ UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES ]
THEY DIDN'T SAY THIS WOULD BE
SO HARD IN THE FISHING COLUMN.
NOW, WHICH END OF THIS
BLASTED ROD GOES IN THE WATER?
EWW! THIS BUCKET
IS FULL OF WORMS!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THEM?
YUCK!
THEY'RE ALL SQUISHY!
HEY!
SLOW DOWN!
THAT'S NO WAY
TO CATCH A FISH!
WELL, THIS SURE
IS GREAT, EH, NIGEL?
NIGEL?
[ Sarcastically ]
YEAH, DAD. IT'S PERFECT!
[ WHEEZES, LAUGHS ]
YOU'RE SUCH A KIDDER,
OL' BOY!
BUT IT CAN'T BE PERFECT
WITHOUT MUSIC.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
DAD, NO ONE WANTS TO
LISTEN TO THIS JUNK!
GOOD CALL, SON.
PEOPLE ALWAYS PREFER TO HEAR
THE SOUSAPHONE... LIVE!
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
HUH? HEY!
OH, I LIKE THAT.
UGH! TELL HIM TO STOP!
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
I LIKE THAT.
IT'S NICE ON THE WATER, TOO.
DA-A-D!
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
DAD!
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!
PLEASE STOP!
DAD!
DA-A-A-A-D!!
OH, I-I SAY, NIGEL.
I'M SORRY.
DID YOU HAVE A REQUEST?
A REQUEST?!
YEAH, I'VE GOT A REQUEST!
I'D LIKE TO REQUEST WE GET
OUT OF THIS STUPID BOAT
WITH YOUR STUPID FISHING JUNK
AND YOUR STUPID TUBA!
ACTUALLY, IT'S A SOUSA...
WHO CARES?!
- I WANT TO HANG OUT - WITH MY FRIENDS.
THEY DON'T WAKE ME UP
AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
'CAUSE THEY READ SOME STUPID
ARTICLE IN THE STUPID PAPER!!
UH, I SEE.
I'M SORRY, NIGEL.
I-I JUST WANTED
TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
OH. UM...
WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT
LIKE THAT, DAD.
- IT'S... IT'S JUST, - UH... UH, UH.
THAT'S OKAY.
I-I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
OH, LOOKEE!
THE BUSINESS SECTION!
[ REEL WINDING ]
DA-A-A-D!
DAD?
[ CRYING ] [ CRYING ]
Mr. Uno: OH. SUFFERING
SOUSAPHONES.
WHERE... WHERE AM I?
YOU'RE HOME!!
DAD!
HUH?
DID YOU JUST CALL ME DAD?
YEP!
YOU'RE PERFECT!
YOU'RE THE BIGGEST DAD
I CAUGHT TODAY!
AND YOU'VE GOT
A SOUSAPHONE!
UH, YOU ACTUALLY LIKE
THE SOUSAPHONE?
DON'T ALL KIDS?
NONE OF THE OTHER DADS
I CAUGHT CAN PLAY.
I'LL HAVE
TO THROW 'EM BACK!
HEY, DAD!
HOW ABOUT A DU-U-ET?
"A DU-U-ET"?
W-WHY, YES!
THAT WOULD BE TOP CRACKERS,
OL' BOY!
BUT... WE ARE FRIENDS, DAD.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
THAT MUSIC!
DAD? IS THAT YOU?
HOLD ON, DAD.
I'M COMING!
UGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M GOING TO SAVE AN ADULT.
HA HA HA!
THAT WAS GR-R-R-E-EAT!
[ Chuckling ]
YES! SMASHING, OL' BOY!
- SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT - TO DO NEXT?
WELL, I-I BETTER BE
GETTING BACK TO MY SON.
- HE'S PROBABLY - WORRIED SICK.
[ SIGHS ]
THEN AGAIN,
MAYBE HE'S NOT.
COME ON, DAD!
JUST ONE MORE SONG!
THIS IS SUCH
GREAT QUALITY TIME!
WELL, YES, BUT YOU SEE,
I WAS HOPING FOR SOME
QUALITY TIME WITH MY REAL SON.
OHH! YOU'LL PLAY!
AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!!
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW TO PLAY
"GIVE ME BACK MY DAD
BEFORE I HAVE TO KICK YOUR BUTT
UP AND DOWN THIS PIER"
IN "A" MINOR?
ACTUALLY, I'D RATHER PLAY
THIS LITTLE NUMBER!
WHOA!
SON!
DA-A-A-D!
UNH-UNH-UNH!
ONE MOVE, AND IT'S YOUR DAD'S
FINAL CONCERTO!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT YOUR DAD.
AND I'M WILLING
TO FIGHT FOR HIM!
I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.
JUST NAME YOUR FIGHT!
A TUBA BATTLE?
WELL, THIS IS STUPID!
QUIT STALLING, LIVER LUNGS!
'CAUSE I GOT ME A DAD TO WIN!
AFTER YOU, BLISTER LIPS!
FINE!
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ NOTE PLAYS ]
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ OFF-KEY NOTE PLAYS ]
[ TUNE PLAYS ]
[ GULPS ]
[ IMITATES TUNE PLAYED ]
[ TUNE RESUMES ]
[ IMITATES TUNE ]
EHHH!
[ TUNE RESUMES ]
[ IMITATES TUNE ]
[ FANCIER TUNE PLAYS ]
[ IMITATES FANCIER TUNE ]
[ BOTH PLAY TUNE ]
[ TEMPO QUICKENS ]
[ GASPS ]
HEE HEE HEE HEE!
[ Singsong voice ]
I WIN! HEH HA HA!
IN YOUR FACE!
HEE HEE HA HA!
I'M SORRY, DAD.
THAT'S OKAY, SON.
YOU DID YOUR BEST.
AND, ACCORDING TO THE
"DADS' DO'S AND DON'TS"
SECTION OF THE PAPER...
THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
[ LAUGHING AND SNORTING ]
- NOW YOU'LL KNOW - WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO SIT ON THAT PIER ALL DAY
FISHING FOR DADS!
YOU'LL KNOW THE WAITING,
THE HOPING,
AND DISAPPOINTMENT
OF CATCHING LOUSY FATHERS
AND HAVING
TO THROW THEM BACK!
[ LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY ]
HELLO! WILLARD?
IS IT REALLY YOU?
UH... YEAH.
OH, DAD!
DA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-D!
OH, DAD!
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER
SEE YOU AGAIN!!
- [ SIGHS ] FOR PETE'S SAKE, - WILLARD.
I TOLD YOU I'D BE GONE FOR
10 MINUTES WHILE I GET MILK.
HUH?
UGH! JUST WHAT WE NEED
AROUND HERE... MORE TUBAS!
SOUSAPHONES! SOUSAPHONES!
SON, THERE'S SOMETHING I...
I WANT TO TELL YOU.
IT'S OKAY, DAD.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
NO, NO.
THIS HAS TO BE SAID RIGHT,
AND IT HAS TO BE SAID NOW.
NIGEL...
I THINK YOU REALLY NEED
SOME SOUSAPHONE LESSONS!
- I MEAN, DID YOU HEAR - YOURSELF UP THERE?!
PEE-YEW!
EITHER YOUR SHARPS WERE FLAT
- AND YOUR FLATS - WERE SHARP AND WOBBLY
- AND YOUR FINGERS - WERE LIKE YOUR POSITIONS
WERE LIKE A SPIDER
IN A WINDSTORM!
EIGHT LEGS
FLYING EVERYWHERE!
[ GURGLING ]
5... 4... 3... 2... 1.
♪ KIDS NEXT DOOR
[ ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO ]
♪ KIDS NEXT DOOR
5...
4...
3...
2...
1.
♪ KIDS NEXT DOOR
[ ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO ]
♪ KIDS NEXT DOOR
5... 4... 3... 2... 1.