- Good morning, loved ones! - Nice outfit.
Where's your giant, foam-rubber Wolverine head?
Don't be silly. You can't get those anymore.
Yes, I realize I am dressed up.
But you see, to a Michigan fan, football is a religion.
And the Ohio State game, well, that's our Easter.
- So that reminds me... - I like your clothes, Dad.
- Thank you. - "I like your clothes, Dad."
Guys, please. This is my one sacred day of the year.
There's a sale on blue and gold body paint.
You could smear it all over your body and watch the game in the nude.
- Eww. - My people call it blue and maize.
Not really good colors on you. You're more of a...
I know, I'm more of a spring.
A spring? Ha! You wish. He's such a winter.
Back to the plan. I am commandeering the television set all day,
starting with the first pre-game show.
- Got it? - Yeah. Whatever.
- [zapping on video game] - Rory, that means no video games.
You kidding? I don't wanna watch a violent sport like football.
Hey, I killed 'em! I killed 'em all!
Off! Off!
Bridget, did you borrow my beige purse?
Yeah, to go with my beige double-knit jumpsuit.
Wow, very nice.
You know, first grad school seminar. I want to make a good impression.
How? By turning on all the guys? I don't think so.
You march upstairs, young lady, and don't come down until you look frumpy.
Which I realize is virtually impossible.
Come on, Paul, I'm nervous enough.
I haven't set foot in a classroom in 16 years.
- You're gonna do great. - Wow, 16 years.
That's like my entire life.
I'm aware of that, Bridget.
And there's a connection.
- Why are you dressed like that? - It's Easter.
The Ohio State game. Why didn't you say something?
Because you've been dreaming about your Master's forever.
And, you know, it's not like I go to the game every year or anything.
- Yes, you do. - Yes, I do, but, honey,
you've been waiting for this day.
I can raise these kids with my eyes closed.
You just leave out some food and crack the window a bit.
Yet you cannot even put your dish in the sink?
Handled. Kids, put my dish in the sink. See, I'm on fire.
I'm completely reassured.
I have my cell phone if there's any problems.
Like there's a fire and your dad won't get up or a pipe bursts
and your dad won't get up. Or locusts...
Locusts! I would get up for locusts.
- I mean it, call me. - Not gonna happen. Here.
OK, just make sure that Kerry doesn't mope around all day.
Oh, and get Rory away from that video and out of the house.
No moping, no video games. No problem.
Oh, and keep Bridget off the phone and out of the mall.
I'm a man, not a miracle worker.
[announcer on TV indistinct]
I'm bored. When's the game gonna be over?
Are you serious? It hasn't started yet.
I don't want you playing video games all day. You can't just sit and vegetate.
Yeah, Dad's already doing that.
And parenting. Now, come on everybody.
Quiet down. I want to watch the game.
Go outside and get some fresh air.
OK, I'll go ride my skateboard.
Go ride your skateboard. Be sure to wear your helmet
and your elbow pads and your knee... At least I said it.
Daddy, which do you like better?
I love all my children the same.
Oh, you mean the pants? Bridget, I'm trying to watch...
- You care what I think? - Take the fashion show outside.
Those of us who can are trying to read.
See, Kerry, it can matter how you dress.
- I mean, if you have hips. - You have zits?
- No, no, I said hips. - Oh, you mean like childbearing hips.
- Shut up! - Don't talk to your sister like that.
- You always take her side! - No, I don't.
- Yeah, OK, you never take my side. - I take your side a lot.
- Like all the time. - No, I don't.
Name one time you've taken my side.
I have lots of times in my mind,
but I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.
- I'm waiting. - OK, OK. The red ones.
Finally. Dad likes these. They're perfect for you.
You know what, I hate you and your stupid red pants.
Girls, don't kill each other!
At least I said it.
Check this out, Bear, they're recapping the '78 season.
My whole fraternity went to every game that year.
[groans]
- Something wrong? - No.
Wow.
Something's bothering you. What is it, Care Bear?
- I just saw this ad. - Hey, the Big Top's in town.
Oh. My little girl wants to go to the circus,
but you're too embarrassed to ask.
Monkey. You want to see the monkeys.
It's disgusting.
The way they treat circus animals is cruel and your paper is promoting it!
- Uh-huh. - Dad!
God, you never care about what I care about!
I do. And I'll care even more when this game's over.
Unbelievable!
God, you know, would it kill you to take the time to listen to me?
Hey, I always have time to listen to you. Just not right now.
[phone ringing]
- You're like the worst father ever. - I heard that.
See, I do listen.
- Hello? - Listen to who?
Um... Kerry. We were just having a heart-to-heart.
- [Kerry] Hate! Hate! Hate! - She says hi, hi, hi.
- So how is everything? - Well, I just got here.
I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine. Could you drop by the pharmacy?
Oh, man. You know I hate buying that stuff.
No, no, no, it's really allergy medicine this time.
OK, yeah, I'll get it for you, Cate.
It's hard... You're breaking up now. Call me later, bye-bye.
I'm studying with Courtney. Yes, I remembered my cell phone and, oh, I need $40.
You need $40 to study? No, no. No.
No, no, no, no, no. No mall today.
- What gave it away? - The $40.
Cupcake, I'm not inclined to let you go somewhere if you lie to me about it.
- OK, can I go to the mall? - See, doesn't the truth feel better?
No, you can't go.
Dad, I promised Courtney. You asking me to go back on my word?
I will, but that is such bad parenting.
I don't have time to explain to you everything wrong with that statement.
So you have this obsessive-compulsive need to shop?
OK. I'd like you to go pick up your mother's allergy medicine at the drugstore.
Oh, Dad, grow up. Pick it up yourself.
No, it's really allergy medicine this time.
- Dad! - Come on, take it or leave it.
Fine. Like I want to sit with Psycho Sister babbling
about the poor unfortunate circus animals.
I mean, God, maybe the bears wanna dance, OK?
It beats catching fish with your hands.
Bridget. Bye-bye, Bridget.
- Kerry, sweetheart. - [announcer on TV] Holy Toledo,
Henderson's got it at the 15, jukes to the 20!
He's got some blocking down at the 30.
Fumbles! Who's got the ball?
- Kerry? Care Bear? - [Kerry] Go away!
Honey, I just wanted to...
[announcer on TV] I don't believe it! Michigan recovers! Michigan recovers!
- You just wanted to what? - Talk.
OK. What?
Honey, if it'll make you feel any better, I'm sorry.
For what?
I don't know.
[announcer on TV] Look out! And he's gone!
Touchdown! Michigan goes back up on top!
Touchdown! Yes! Yes!
- And there's a flag down on the play. - No! No, flag!
Dad, can I talk to you a minute?
- Can't talk. - It's about sex.
Do I have to break out the health book again?
- If it's not too much trouble. - I thought we had this talk.
You did. I'll never forget the giggling coming from his room.
I couldn't help it. You should've seen the look on his face.
- I'm not talking to you. - Ha! You just did.
So, what's on your mind, buddy?
My body feels weird when I look at girls.
- What's going on with me, Dad? - Well, it's a rough time, sport.
I remember when I was 13.
Boy, they had ads in the back of comic books on how to get girls
through hypnosis and X-ray specs.
Total rip-offs. Anyway...
Level 12! I got to level 12! I've never been to level 12!
What do you think you're doing?
I'm just trying to take my mind off my problem.
- Outside! - I'm sorry.
God!
[announcer] Oh, Singletary really puts a hurt on Temerit.
- Knocked his helmet clean off. - Total interference!
[announcer 2] They better make sure his head's not still in there. [laughing]
Shut up! Not funny.
- [phone ringing] - Not gonna get that.
[Rory on machine] You've reached the Hennessys.
If calling for Paul, Cate or Rory, please leave a message.
If calling for Bridget or Kerry, you have the wrong number.
[man] This is Brenner's Drugs.
I'm calling for the parents of Bridget Hennessy.
We're detaining her for shoplifting.
[announcer on TV radio indistinct]
- How could you do this? - Dad, I...
Don't even! Thank you for calling me and not the cops.
She will never do this again.
At least not here. Everybody on our wall of shame is permanently banned.
- Dad, I swear... - Don't talk to me, you are in trouble.
[announcer] That closes the door on the best half of football I've ever seen!
Big trouble. Come on.
- Bridget! - I'm not talking about it!
- You are talking about this. - What is the point? You've made up your mind I'm guilty.
The pharmacist caught you taking lipstick!
I would never buy lipstick at a drugstore.
Nobody's accusing you of buying it.
That's why your picture is up on their wall of shame.
- I cannot believe you. I'm calling Mom. - And ruin her day?
- Your day? - You've already done that.
Dad, if you really want to apologize,
write a column on your paper's pro-animal-cruelty stance.
All they did was run an ad for children of all ages.
I knew you wouldn't. I'm calling Mom.
- Me first. - Does everyone have a cell phone?
- How much am I paying for these? - You get the phones free.
I bet you do. No, you're not calling Mom.
This is a very important day for her. We're not gonna make it any harder.
OK. Are you gonna write the article or not?
Kerry, I don't have time to deal with you right now.
Oh, right, I forgot.
I was caring about animals while you watched your football game.
I am not watching the football game. It's about Bridget.
Oh, I should have known. It's always about Bridget.
Bridget's problems are always more important than mine.
"Oh, my God, Daddy, my shoe strap broke! What do I do?"
Bridget got busted for shoplifting.
She did?
I did not shoplift. And thanks for telling everyone my business!
- Who shoplifted? - I did not!
- I told you to go outside. - No way.
People are gonna point and say, "There goes the shoplifter's brother."
You are such a brat.
- Bridget! Bridget, you get back here! - [phone rings]
- Nobody move! - Stay inside, got it.
- Nobody move? What's wrong? - Somebody was offsides. How ya doing?
- Let me talk to her. - No, no, no.
- No? - No, offsides again.
The penalties are killing us.
You're gonna hate prison. Everyone will dress like you.
Stop it!
Paul, what is going on? Do you need some help?
- Everything is fine. - Oh, good, because the people I'm with
- want to go watch the rest of the game. - I'm having fun. You should.
Listen, everything is under control here. Bye, love you.
- You are so out of control here. - I'm out of control? You are!
- Are you gonna write the article? - I can't deal with this now.
- As long as you're not watching the game... - Get outside!
That's a lovely outfit, Bridget. Where did you get it?
- You gave it to me. - Really? I've never seen it before in my life.
Oh, I knew Mom put your name on the card!
- I love how I'm on trial here. - How much time does it take
to step into a store?
Longer, if you actually pay for the item.
You really think I would shoplift?
Here it is. Poor little innocent Bridget. Know what?
It's bad enough that you stole, but to stand there and lie to me about it.
I thought you had more character than that.
Fine! I don't care what you think.
Bridget, come back! We're not done talking, young lady!
[door slams]
Go to your room!
- Dad? - Kerry, I am on my knees.
I really, really can't talk about circus animals right now.
Do you really think Bridget would steal?
I mean, there's a lot of bad things that you don't know about.
There's a list as long as your arm. But stealing, it isn't one of them.
- There's a list as long as my arm? - At least. But she...
- So what's on the list? - I'm not telling you!
Come on, just get me up to my wrist.
See, that is exactly the problem.
- You don't listen. - I don't listen?
I mean, God, that thing about the animals really upset me,
but you ignore me, 'cause I'm the middle child.
- Now, listen. Come on, Bridget... - Kerry! See!
I mean... I'm saying Bridget.
With her around here, it was like a three-ring circus.
- Dad! - Sorry, no circus, come here. Kerry. Kerry.
I really do care about what's important to you. I always have.
- Right. - No, come here, come here.
Listen, honey.
I know you've always loved animals. And I adore that about you.
I remember when you were five, and you had just started to read,
you came to me heartbroken and crying one day.
You said, "Daddy, I just saw a sign on the corner and it said 'Last Dog.'"
- Do you remember this? - Kind of.
Anyway, you were sobbing because you thought there weren't going to be
any more dogs.
And I hugged you and I laughed.
I said, "Honey, it didn't say 'Last Dog.' It said 'Lost Dog.'"
And then you started sobbing all over again.
Because he was lost.
- You found him, right? - Yes, of course I did.
That's what I said, didn't I? I said that I found him
and I'm sure he's still on that farm
running and barking and playing with all the other little doggies.
He's dead, isn't he?
Well, by now. I mean, it was a long time ago!
Oh, God.
Dad?
How'd you get up there? Never mind. I don't even want to know.
What is it, Rory? What could be so important?
Bridget's crying.
[knocking on door]
Beach?
Good idea, I'll start.
Honey, I'm...
I'm sorry I accused you without listening to your side of the story.
I guess it was the shock of seeing your picture up on that wall of shame.
- That doesn't make it true. - I know. So why don't you...
Tell me what really happened.
[sighs]
OK, well, me and Courtney stopped in cosmetics
because if we had to do this thing for you, then we might as well have fun,
and I've never found eye shadow that works with my combination skin.
"Last all night color"? That is a laugh. I get it from Mom.
- Is this leading to the picture? - Mm-hmm.
So I looked and Courtney was stuffing a lipstick in her bag.
I was stunned. "What are you doing?" And she's all, "Everybody does it."
I'm all, "It's stealing." She's all, "You're a wuss."
- You're all... - I'm all, "No!"
Finally I put it back myself,
then she grabs it and stuffs it in her fake Fendi baguette
and this clerk shows up and it turns into this ugly scene.
So you didn't take the lipstick?
No! Dad, it was coral.
I can't wear coral. Look at me. Hello, I'm a summer.
- That's all I needed to hear. - I mean peach, sure. Maybe tangerine too, but...
I said that's all I needed to hear.
Dad, I know you don't think I care about what you think of me,
- but I really want you to trust me. - I do, Bridget, I really do.
- So we're good now? - No.
No? I said I believe you.
Yeah, but you totally bailed on me. You dragged me out of that store.
I was totally humiliated. Like having my picture on the wall wasn't bad enough.
- Dad? - What?
It's happening again.
My body's doing strange and wonderful things.
- I'm so confused. - OK! Go play your video games.
OK! Thanks, Dad!
- Excuse me, I was here earlier. - You're the shoplifter's father.
No. That was a mistake. She doesn't belong there.
- Oh, none of them do. - My daughter is innocent.
I know. They all are.
Listen, pal, I've had a hard day.
I had to watch the game of the century on a two-inch television screen.
It was the game of the century? No, wait, wait.
Did you actually see my girl take the lipstick?
Yeah, you heard me. Did you see it?
You can't always catch 'em red-handed. And she gave me a lot of attitude.
Try living with her. But that doesn't make her a criminal.
- Take down the picture. - I think you'd better leave.
I'm not leaving. You take the picture down or I will.
- Bridgie, look what I have. - I gotta go.
- Oh, you're the best. - I think I got it down before anybody saw it.
Are you saying I don't look good?
Bridget, I am trying my best here.
I went to the pharmacy and I gave the clerk an earful.
- Please, meet me halfway. - I'll let you off the hook, on one condition.
- Heather's having a party this weekend. - Parents or no parents?
No parents, but Heather's responsible. Her cousin is a Marine.
He'll be there with his buddies, so we'll be safe.
I was worried, but as long as there's gonna be tons of Marines with school girls...
- Have enough booze? - Thanks!
- That was Daddy's way of saying no way. - Too late.
Mom, how was class? Stay off the phone. I'm calling Heather.
- Hi, I had such a great day! - Did ya?
I was smart and I made new friends, and what about that game, huh?
I don't usually watch football, and even I knew I was watching something special.
Yeah. I waited all year for it.
Well, I can see everything's pretty much the way I left it.
It was a very challenging day, Cate. I must say, I rose to the challenge.
I should be inducted into the Father Hall of Fame.
Father Hall of Fame and yet you couldn't put your dish in the sink.
I'm sorry, honey. I was very busy.
"Did you get my prescription?" she asked,
knowing the answer: "No."
Uh, your prescription. After all that. I'll go now.
No, no, it's OK, I owe you for today.
Get a head start putting that dish in the sink and I'll help when I get back.
Cate, you don't happen to know the score of the game, do you?
Oh, come on, Paul.
Hennessy.
Hennessy?
Yeah.
[man on TV] Stay tuned for complete game highlights
of today's game of the century.
Dad, this thing about Bridget and lipstick
started me thinking about animal testing.
They test cosmetics on rabbits, you know?
And that started me thinking about Mr. Wiggles.
I couldn't stand to think
if he was in a cage somewhere with lipstick on.