This is a show about a world famous foot surgeon.
who's only four years old.
- Ouch! - And not very good.
Hi.
I'm kidding.
This is a show about possibilities.
the endless possibilities
that life serves up to us every day.
[alarm buzzes]
[drink spills]
[electricution sounds]
I didn't say they were all good possibilities.
Have you ever thought about how many different things
can happen at any given moment?
I'm young, but who knows what my arteries look like.
And what if in my last breath I tried to dial 9-1-1?
[operator] For what city?
...only I accidentally dial 4-1-1?
[heartbeat noise] I'm dying?
For what listing?
Help me.
Please hold while an operator checks for that number.
[faster heartbeat]
[thump]
Or the pain in my chest could hve just as easily
turned out to have been indigestion.
[belch]
I think about this stuff constantly.
That's probably why I'm a writer.
Writers are obsessed with possibilities.
Here's one...
♪♪ [Joan Jett's "Crimson and Clover" plays] This is Wendy.
The new receptionist in the office where I work.
I have a huge crush on her.
Andy...
Wendy?
What are you doing here?
I just had to see you...
luckily your front door was open.
I don't believe this.
I never leave my front door open.
No, that's stupid.
It's probably what I'd say, but I'd regret it.
I Don't believe this.
It's like my whole life has been leading up to this moment.
You and me blending together they're into a perfect...
Oh, what's that word...
you know, it's when things blend together? Uh...
It's not osmosis--
She's right, I should just shut up.
[song continues]
See?
Anything can happen...
[alarm buzzes]
including what usually does.
♪ You don't have to understand why ♪
♪ You don't have to look over your sholder all the time ♪
♪ You never know just what's around the bend ♪
♪ Where to go and where you've been ♪
♪ Just see the world through my eyes ♪
♪ And I think you'd be surprised ♪
Shanghai, 1941...
...also has nothing to do with this show.
All right, let's do some housekeeping.
I live in Chicago.
I worked for the fifth largest
company in America...
Pickering Industries.
We make everything from
nightlights to nuclear missiles.
Oh look, here's the dead guy
who founded it over a hundred years ago.
Hello, Mr. Pickering.
The problem with America
is the negro, and the Jew.
You're just a huge
racist bastard, aren't you?
maybe so, but...
in 1903, I revolutionized
the manufacturing of the steel ingot.
What have you done...
besides right a bunch of short stories
you can't even get published?
I got one published.
One.
What kind of man calls himself
a "writer" anyway?
I'll tell you what kind...
The homosexual.
All right, so, big company-- founded by a jerk.
My job is writing manuals for--
Whoa.
♪♪ [Etta James' "At Last" plays]
Wendy.
[song continues]
[song stops abruptly]
Andy, this came for you from upstairs.
What?
This... came for you from upstairs.
Upstairs.
Oh, I wish I could just once be suave.
This came for you, from upstairs.
Thanks.
Did you know that when the Moon first formed,
It was so close to the Earth that it
would have appeared fifteen times larger
in the night sky that it does today?
[speaking Italian].
[laughs]
Oh my god, you were serious?
[laughs derisively]
See? A lot can go wrong.
Better to... keep my mouth shut.
- Taste this. - No.
it's good, it's like a...
fruit loaf, or something.
I'm obsessed with the new receptionist.
My Mom sent me like 300 pounds of it.
She's so beautiful.
Well, if she knows how to form and bake
mass quantities of the fruit that's for sure.
You think she could ever be interested in me?
I dunno, maybe after my Dad dies.
Keith, I'm talking about Wendy, the new receptionist
Oh yeah, she's hot.
Yeah...
She seems so unattainable, though.
Definitely.
Only...
she's not.
Oh, my god
Wait!
Did you have sex with my Wendy?
It does not feel right talking about it.
how could you do that? You know how I feel about her!
She's been here like, a month.
You haven't even talked to her.
What's up with that, by the way?
I'm shy.
It's endearing.
You can't relate to this because you're too good looking.
I'm not dissin' you.
Seriously.
You see something, it's yours.
Wendy...
fruit loaf...
good teeth.
You have no idea what it's like to be around someone
- so attractive you can't even talk to them. - Hi Suzy!
[Suzy] Hi, Keith!
I'm sorry, what?
[Andy] It's true.
Things just come to good looking people.
The world likes them more, treat them better...
Keith? Big problem with the--
I'm sorry you're too handsome for this mess.
I'll dump it on someone else.
Thanks.
Oh, god, I almost forgot...
Because you are so handsome...
a bunch of us chipped in...
and got you an envelope full of money.
You guys...
[Andy] I know what you're thinking--
Keith's my friend, and I'm just being bitter.
But I had my heart broken, so I'm allowed to lash out.
Like you're all so perfect.
Who are you?
I'm Byron.
What are you doing in my office?
This is my office.
No, it's not.
Yes...
it is.
Then, why are all my things in your office?
Oh! Well, I figured that that was just some kind of a...
prank?
You know?
You know, like uh... like, hey!
Hey, let's put a whole bunch of stuff in the new guy's office...
You know? Make him feel like he doesn't belong.
Like-like-like he is just...
hated and despised.
Won't that be funny?
Yeah, maybe we can get to kill himself?
I like the way your mind works.
But still it's...
Mm office.
Your writing the manual for the new
Blackfish Torpedo project, right?
Oh yeah, I never finished telling you what I do.
I write manuals for industrial products.
Like the new Pickering Industries Blackfish Torpedo.
With a range of over five miles the enhanced XP guidance and homing system
can deliver over 700 pounds of high explosives
with hull-crushing accuracy.
But none of that explains what the hell this guy's doing here.
I have no idea why he's in your office.
You're the head of the department.
Shouldn't you know things like that?
This is Arnich's fault.
He purposely doesn't tell me things to make me look bad.
The man is a ferret.
A horrible little ferret.
Aren't ferrets cute?
Yeah, they're very cute.
The man is a slug.
That's better.
A horrible little-- Hey, Arnich, hi, it's Jessica.
Tell him we're not putting up with it.
So apparently there's some new guy and Andy's office
I demand respect!
And since I am the head of the department
And get us new coffee maker.
Okay, what you're doing right now--
is working against you.
[Andy] I know, Jessica's pretty, and I can talk to her...
but I've known Jessica for years.
Before she became my boss, we used to work together.
We even tried to go out once.
Nah.
Yoiu sure?
Aren't you?
Yeah.
Maybe we should try sleeping together.
I don't know.
I think this might be one of those situations where having bad sex won't help.
I think we've just been friends for too long.
We might have crossed a line that time that I held your hair while you were
- vomiting. - Oh yeah, that was nice.
Yeah.
Okay. His name is Byron Togler...
He's a new illustrator who's going to be working
with you on the Blackfish manual.
Now, here's the part that you're not gonna like.
I am not sharing my office with him.
Look at him: Eating his sandwich...
sharpening his pencil...
This isn't working at all.
Hey.
Wanna potato chip?
No thanks.
A potato chip. Right.
Like I can be bought off with a fried legume, or...
whatever they are.
Oh, a potato chip!
Let's be best friends!
I'm becoming incredibly hostile.
What they did to you isn't right.
I cannot spend eight hours a day with this guy.
You're here eight hours?
Aren't you?
Always.
My point is, you can't just take this lying down.
You have to take action.
Keith was right.
And I decided my action would be to get Byron fired.
I know it sounds mean, but--
It was nothing personal. I just wanted my office back.
But how would I do it?
Too obvious.
I had about a hundred other letter ideas...
But none of them were any better...
and some of them reflect badly on me psychologically.
I decided the only thing I could do
was alter one of the schematics Byron was working on.
Arnich-- that's the weasel upstairs and checks our work every night--
he has no tolerance for mistakes.
So Byron would be gone by morning.
That's it!?
In my day, if you wanted to sabotage a man...
you'd liquor him up, stuff him in a duffel bag and
mail him to the kaiser.
I'll try my way first.
Of course you will.
Sodomite!
I thought it was important for you to see a nice side of me.
A bad person would never enjoy hobbies like this.
Obviously, Arnich caught the mistake...
and Byron got fired.
I wish I had a puppy to give him.
Good morning.
Hi Andy.
God, he's taken it so hard.
Should I try to comfort him?
Come here...
Your arms are very powerful.
Please, just enjoy them.
Byron?
YeS?
Are you okay?
Yes.
You're crying...
Yes.
You know, sometimes bad things happen...
- and when they do-- - My girlfriend left me.
What?
This morning. She left.
After two... years.
- She said that she didn't-- - That's why you're crying?
Yes.
- She said that she didn't-- - Arnich didn't call from upstairs?
No.
- That she didn't-- - This is impossible.
Arnich checks our work every night.
How could he not find such a huge mistake?
She said that she didn't love me anymore.
What do you mean this is impossible?
What?
You said this is impossible.
Uh...
I'm just really surprised, 'cause...
You two seemed really good together.
You... you never saw us together.
Byron where you or were you not good together?
We were.
- Then why are you fighting me? - I'm so sorry!
[sobs]
So Arnich really didn't catch the mistake?
No.
I can't believe I'm workin' this hard.
What if no one catches it?
Well, they have to.
What if they don't?
Then I will have ruined America's war fighting potential.
And possibly destroyed a city of mer-people.
You could dedicate your life to the creation of a world
where a torpedo would never be fired in anger.
And that pays like nothing.
[doorbell rings] Should I tell Arnich?
You'd lose your job.
Hi.
I hope you don't mind, I invited Byron to dinner.
I figured to be a good idea for us all to get to know each other.
Hi.
We decided to eat in.
At first I was distant not wanting to get too attached.
The problem was, Byron was a good guy...
and the four of us had a nice evening together.
We played folk songs.
Wrestled.
Wrote letters for Amnesty International on behalf of political prisoners.
Then we all hugged each other goodbye.
All right, none of this really happened
But we did have Chinese food, and we all like Byron.
And I felt awful.
The next day, I wore a puppy-lined jacket to work.
Would a bad person encase themselves in puppies like this?
I think not.
Actually, the next day I was sitting alone in my office...
[Wendy] Hi, Andy.
♪♪ [Pat Benatar's "We Belong" plays]
[music abruptly stops]
This came for you.
Thanks.
So, uh, how's it going?
Fine.
I really like working here, and...
Chicago's great-- there's so much to see and do...
Well, it is the "windy city."
A total non-sequitur.
Unless I meant she can see and do things involving wind.
I guess.
- I slept with-- - Do you like puppies?
We can talk about your thing first.
It's just that I'm new in town, and I didn't know anybody...
and Keith seemed like a really nice guy.
But now, he hasn't called, and I know you're his friend, and I just...
wanted to ask you if he's a jerk. He's a jerk, right?
And I was stupid.
Really stupid.
Stupid stupid stupid.
So you're thing...
Puppies, yeah. I think they're great!
Wendy, wait.
I just want you to know that...
Keith is not a bad guy.
He's just... you know, he's...
good looking.
Meaning what?
Meaning... things just come to him.
Easily.
You, you know how it is.
I know how it is?
What are you saying, that I'm good looking
and so I automatically get whatever I want?
You're upset.
But remember it's...
Keith. Keith is the one. Keith.
Andy, most guys won't even talk to me.
Please.
You won't.
I'm shy.
It's endearing.
All right. All right. You're right,
I'm a bigot.
I assume things about the attractive
that I shouldn't, like...
they get whatever they want, or...
their females wouldn't be interested in me.
But that's wrong, and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You're a good guy. You should talk to me more.
Nicely done.
Your destroying the career of an innocent man
and you're well on your way to mounting the floozy.
She is not a floozy. She's a nice girl.
Right.
And your a "good guy."
No?
You're very much like me.
Eww.
Except you're weak.
And fat.
Arnich Ardway.
I was hoping you wouldn't have to meet him, but...
here we are.
See this thing is supposed to be connected to the gyroscope
but I connected it to this thing it looks like a crock pot.
You changed the schematics.
Yes.
Intentionally.
If it helps me keep my job then, no.
I was walking by them with a pencil, wearing my new
- banana peel shoes-- - You've never...
taken this job seriously.
I'm still good at it.
Arnich-- I got your message.
Just give us the drawings, and will go correct them.
Yeah, um...
I decided to go another way--
I'm gonna to get Andy fired instead.
Oh, no question, he definitely deserves that.
Hey!
But Arnich, if you report Andy...
then I'll report that you missed this huge
obvious mistake until he pointed it out
and that's gonna make you look really, really bad.
- Oh! - Hmmm?
[chuckles]
I woulda caught it.
But you didn't.
But I would have.
But you didn't
But I would have.
But you didn't.
You're doin' great. Go on.
Arnich...
You signed off on them.
No, I didn't.
Can I just... see those? For a second?
No, I'm gonna keep 'em instead.
Don't ever assign anyone to my department again
without telling me about it.
Yeah! And we need a new coffee maker, 'cause--
Jessica great. Strong, forgiving-- she'd do anything for a friend.
And Byron... A good artist. Easy to hang with.
And Keith.. Attractive on the outside, and on the inside.
And Wendy... She wants me to talk to her more, and she's so pretty.
All good well-meaning individuals.
And together... we're a group of galactic time fighters.
[whoosh!] ♪♪ [heroic music]
All right, I don't have a big finish.
Because most events in life Don't have a big finish.
I got to keep my job.
I realized I have good friends, and I did what was right.
Oh, and one more thing...
You'll think it's corny, but I'd never lie to you, so here it is.
I got Byron an electric pencil sharpener.
Don't make a big deal out of it...
I stole it out of Arnich's office.
♪♪ [theme music]