(male narrator) Previously on a very special Clone High...
Joan got a new roommate,
Abe and Cleo continued to date,
and Gandhi became an inmate.
Here's a paper plate.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're gonna make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High
[cheerful music]
[choir vocalizing]
*
[bells ringing]
(Principal Scudworth) Dear family and friends,
is it possible a year has passed since my last impersonal,
over-informative photocopied holiday update?
I can hardly believe it's only been a year
since the United Nations abolished religious holidays
in favor of the non-offensive, all-inclusive Snowflake Day.
*
Well, this blows.
Oh, my God!
Snowflake Day is almost here.
Snowflake Jake, this holiday's mascot,
will come to my house and bring me spices upon spices.
Oh, joyous day.
What do you have against Snowflake Day, anyway?
It's not like all of those exclusive religious holidays
like Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa.
Ooh, it's time for the ceremonial
lighting of the snowman!
* Bong-bong, bong-bong *
Jolly Snowflake Day, Joan.
Would you like a bite of my lamb taco?
It's just not Snowflake Day without a lamb taco.
Cripes!
Why is everyone so cripes-darn cheerful?
Well, you better be cheerful
at my annual Snowflake Day party,
because those crackers won't hand out themselves.
I can't wait.
Neither can I, Joan!
We're all going to exchange Snowflake care satchels!
Speaking of which, Abe,
I can't wait for my big, expensive Snowflake Day gift.
Oh, don't worry, Cleo.
I'll get you the best gift ever.
A clamp to keep her legs closed?
No, even better than that.
[sighs]
Where am I gonna get money to get Cleo a good present?
Have a bar mitzvah, dude.
You get mad stacks.
Sounds sweet, but I think I'm gonna
do the Christian thing: get a job.
Right on!
Both Bill Gates and Will Smith have jobs,
and they're millionaires.
(both) To jobs!
* It's the most lucrative time of the year *
Voice of an angel, baby.
An angel!
Gay dads, enough fawning!
We got to get my annual Snowflake Day album done!
* Deck the deck with gay apparel *
* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la *
[laughing] Gay apparel!
Leather pants!
You know?
[grunting]
Dude, this blows.
I don't know how Will Smith and Bill Gates do this.
Come on, Gandhi.
Two more hours, and we'll have
paid for the mall parking.
(man) I need a fork!
Always with the utensils.
(man) And mayhaps a knife as well!
Every time!
I have to make two trips!
"Can I have a fork?
Can I have a knife?"
Jeez! Every time!
Lincoln, we need those plates right now!
Gandhi, traditional Snowflake sombrero dance pronto!
What a jerk.
Napoleon's got some sort of a complex.
I don't know what it is, but, man.
[humming Mexican Hat Dance]
Run, fire!
[people screaming]
[glass shatters]
We eat the mistakes here, Monsieur Abe.
But I dropped a glass.
Eat it! Eat it!
Mangez le verre!
[sighs]
[crunching]
[Gandhi screaming]
[blowing frantically]
[metal grinding]
What?
Abe, if I said we could be millionaires,
would you quit with me right now?
I'd give it some serious consideration.
[crunches]
(Snowflake Jake) Now, jump on me back
and whisper your wish for spices in me ear.
If you don't fill my rack with cumin this year,
I swear to God, I'll get you fired.
Yo-ho-ho.
You'll get your wish, you bugger.
Now, get off me back,
or I'll murder your grandparents.
(all) Aw!
Why do I take this job every year?
[laughter]
Now, go empty me chum bucket.
It's starting to smell like a day-old hooker.
I hate you, you nasty, crap-eating monkey!
Arr!
I'll tell you what spice she's got: sassafras.
[door slams]
*
I hate this stupid holiday.
Don't say that, Joan.
And I could have used that chum.
Sorry, I didn't realize you--
How'd you know my name?
I don't know your name.
I call everyone Joan.
It's like saying "dude" or "bro"
or, in your case, "Joan of Arc."
But that's not important right now.
What is important is that you continue to spread
the Snowflake Day spirit.
Snowflake Day sucks!
All those kids are so greedy.
"Give me some spices!"
"I'm fat!"
"I want some parsley!"
Lucky kids with their spices.
I have to eat the salt they sprinkle on the roads
when the ice freezes.
Who cares about spices and seasonings
and traditional snowflake meats?
Snowflake Day is just another made-up holiday
courtesy of the greeting card industry
just like Valentine's Day and Easter.
I can take her out right now.
[gunshot]
You know, for many, this season is about giving,
so, um, can I have 50¢ so I can eat today?
Ugh! See?
Even you, a homeless person, greedy and selfish.
Well, if it's spices everybody wants,
I'll pepper their precious Snowflake Day
with a little slice of sabotage pie...
Joan of Arc style!
Hey, are you Mandy Moore?
Me? No.
This mic doesn't even work.
So you're just an incredibly hot homeless person?
You'd be surprised at how many ab machines
you find in dumpsters.
Plus, I have a trainer.
(Principal Scudworth) In addition to my crippling bunions from last year,
I have also been diagnosed with corns.
But in this happy season, we all have to be thankful,
thankful that the plantar warts
in my other foot have finally been removed,
save one!
I call him Gary, and he's part of the family now.
He'd better buy me a good present.
It's perfect!
It's half knife, half fork.
Like the spork!
Vincent Spork took home a Nobel for that baby.
Mm-hmm, now people don't have to hold a fork
and a knife to cut and then switch hands
to eat their sweet meat.
They can just just use one brilliant tool.
Like you, Gandhi.
A brilliant tool.
Exactly!
Hey, why you bleeding, dog?
Well, the knife portion seems to have sliced open my cheek.
How about a sliding plastic sheath
to cover up the blade when the fork portion is in use?
Okay, we're just gonna need a system of ball bearings
to make the sheath slide.
But it'll need to be counter-stabilized.
I'm thinking...
(both) Trigger assembly!
Jinx!
Should we have a strap to hold down the meat
while we cut it, or Velcro?
Oh, Velcro, definitely.
And there's only one solution
for the oscillating serrated edge.
(both) Coal power!
Get out of my head!
You get out of my head!
I got to hand it to you, the foot pedal
and the Popsicle sticks really work.
We're gonna be rich, Gandhi.
I'm gonna be able to buy Cleo the best gift ever.
Now, as far as the name, I was thinking...
Knifork.
Bladeforker.
Utens-all.
Sir Slice-N-Spear!
Fife!
(both) Knork!
Oh, my God!
- Fantastic! - Awesome!
Come on, man, we rehearsed this.
(both) Sorry.
(Snowflake Jake) Arr, any last words,
Santy Claus, Dreidelstein, and King Kwanzaa?
It be time for you and your exclusionary holidays
to walk the plank.
Jake, don't kill us.
We realize that the harmless celebration of our religions
is oppressive!
Dreidelstein sorry.
Gimel.
Your way is right, and our way is wrong.
Oh, not wrong,
just specific,
and specificity be the enemy of unity.
Now, let us all join in a traditional
all religions are equally valid
Snowflake Day celebratory cabbage patch.
[upbeat dance music playing]
[laughs]
*
Ugh, I can't believe you guys watch that Snowflake Day crap.
[gunshot]
Now, I may be blind, but I can still see
you're losing your Snowflake Day spirit, girl.
You know Snowflake Jake might not shoot
a spice cannonball at our party
if you continue to act so ill-mannered.
Who cares?
I'm not going to the stupid party, anyway.
But my presence will be felt.
Oh, oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
My presence will be felt.
But you have to come to my party.
You're serving the crackers.
Where else am I gonna get a cracker girl
at this late hour?
Uh, 4th and Maple?
Oh, Lance.
This music sure is putting me in the mood.
Of course it is.
It's JFK sings the, er, uh, Snowflake Day hits!
* Away in a taco
* No spice for my lamb
* Snowflake, snowflake, snowflake *
* I made you out of snow
* Jerky balls, jerky balls *
* Jerky, beef jerky
* Jerky balls
* Tasty balls
* Balls of meat
* Jerked so sweet
* It's the Jeff Foxworthy redneck Snowflake Day *
More brandy, dear?
No, thanks.
I'm pregnant.
(JFK) Get your albums here!
See, dude?
That's called marketing.
Marketing brings the coin.
Marketing, eh?
(Gandhi) Ladies and gentlemen,
witness the miracle utensil
that's sweeping the exotic nation of Europe.
You, ma'am!
Why are you all deformed?
Oh, it's the saddest story, medical expert.
I have this hideous deformity
from hunching over a plate using two utensils
for lo these many years--
a knife and fork.
Ma'am, have you ever tried a knork?
A what?
Knork-knork!
Who's there?
A knork!
Half knife, half fork.
That would cut my silverware budget in half.
Not to mention the toughest beef brisket.
I can walk again!
I say, let us all purchase this miracle.
I agree with the dandy!
Great device.
There seems to be a lot of buzz about this.
That's quite a unit.
Why, even a child can use it.
Come here, giant boy.
Just pump the gas valve with your foot there,
pull out the choke,
and like magic, the knork begins to--
[screaming]
Oh, I think it hit an artery!
[saw buzzing]
Oh, God! It's inside me now.
[screaming]
Joanie, are you putting itching powder
into the eye patches?
I may be blind, but I can still tell
when somebody's trying to sabotage Snowflake Day.
I hate Snowflake Day.
[gunshots]
Congratulations, Joan.
You just got yourself a one-way ticket
to Snowflake Jake's ill-mannered list.
Your behavior is an embarrass--oh!
Remember when you were a kid and you used to do
your traditional cabbage patching?
Cabbage patch with us, Joanie.
Come on!
No, I hate this family.
I'm running away and never coming back!
[Joan crying]
[door slams]
That's the spirit, Joanie.
You sure can cabbage patch.
Mm! That's right.
Waaoow!
She's lost her Snowflake Day spirit.
Sure as shooting, she's lost it.
(Toots) Waaoow!
(Principal Scudworth) And after 52 hours,
I finally passed the stone, and in the end,
isn't that what Snowflake Day is really about?
[crying]
(woman) Hello, Joan.
Oh, it's you,
that sexy dumpster teen.
I know you're running away from home
after sabotaging Cleo's party.
It's just that I hate her, and she's dating the boy I love,
and I have to live with her
because me and Toots' house burned down,
and I hate her.
Wait.
How did you know that?
I...can see it in your heart.
Joan, your family misses you.
They're worried about you.
Joanie!
Come back home, girl.
[roars]
I knew you'd come back!
That's a good Joanie.
[roars]
Ow!
[laughs] It's all right.
I'm just happy you home.
Now, follow me.
I'll show you something
about Snowflake Day and yourself.
I don't know.
Toots told me I shouldn't let homeless people show me things.
Come with me,
and I'll forever change your life.
Forever.
Are you sure you're not Mandy Moore?
No.
Seriously, because you really--
Get off my back, okay?
Leave me alone.
I already said no.
Are you stupid or something?
You ruined my life, knork.
Who would have thought
a get-rich-quick scheme wouldn't work?
I told you we should've made a spife.
So you're out $20,000.
Just make Cleo something from your heart.
(man) * You shine on the birds over land *
* There my house will stand
[snoring]
* All my life, I've been waiting *
Heart, you've done it again.
You took me to this dump
to show me the Snowflake Day spirit?
This is no dump.
It's your old house, the one that burnt down.
Welcome home, Joan.
Welcome home.
[sprightly music playing]
Wow!
I didn't know poor people could have fun.
They have the Snowflake Day spirit, Joan.
These people don't need spices or silks
or a balanced diet to have the joy of the season.
They just need each other.
So you find the Snowflake Day spirit
when you hang out with the homeless?
Yes and no.
More like you find it when you hang out with your friends,
be they homeless or homed.
My goodness, it's true.
I've abandoned my family and friends.
I've slashed their tires and urinated in their punch.
I realize now,
I've lost the Snowflake Day spirit.
Sure as shooting, I've lost it.
[people conversing indistinctly]
Someone slipped laxatives into these lamb tacos.
[people gasp]
Oh, my God, you guys.
And someone put goat's blood on the doorjamb.
[roars]
Bad Joanie!
Bad, bad, bad Joanie!
First you sabotage the party,
and now you chewed through my Achilles tendon,
and you know my Achilles tendon is my one Achilles' heel.
[glass tinkling]
Everyone, it is now time for the traditional
Snowflake care satchel exchange!
Cleo, we've been together for a long time,
almost four weeks,
and that's why I wanted to give you this.
[gasps]
Ugh!
It's a love coupon book!
One free snuggle, one back rub.
See, that's your silhouette in macaroni,
and those pipe cleaners are--
I'm confused.
Why didn't you just buy me something expensive?
But I stayed up all night making this.
Well, you should have stayed up all night
buying me an expensive present.
Now, I'm not sure if you deserve this,
but here.
A knork?
I got it at the Sharper Image.
Lies!
You just pulled this out of the garbage.
This dump gift had absolutely no thought or meaning!
Well, you didn't say what you wanted!
I clearly stated that I wanted something
that was, A, expensive, B, bought,
and, C, not lovingly hand-crafted!
I see.
I guess you're not the person I thought you were.
I'm going to get some bite-size wieners now.
Bite-sized wieners!
[chewing]
Oh, God! Oh!
Who put razor blades in these?
Why does my mouth keep getting cut up?
Why?
[people gasp]
(both) Homeless!
I'm back, family and friends.
Joanie, I thought you were dead.
I shot you for biting me so much.
Oh, Toots.
Everyone, I've got something really important to say.
Don't drink the punch.
[slurps]
These derelicts taught me something today.
Snowflake Day is not about greediness
or ruining parties.
It's about being with friends and family
and realizing what you've got.
[crowd murmuring]
(JFK) This punch is amazing!
You know what, Abe?
It doesn't matter that you got me a crappy present.
I'm happy to have you as a backup gift,
and I'll give you your backup present later.
You mean...
That's right.
I'm gonna show you my left boob.
Oh, Poncho, finally we will meet.
Now, new friends and old,
let us unite and celebrate Snowflake Day!
Everyone, cabbage patch!
[upbeat dance music playing]
Hark!
Snowflake Jake is nigh!
I can hear his cannonballs a-coming!
He is real!
Step away from the target, or you'll get hit.
Everyone into the basement.
Hurry it up now. In you go.
(Joan) To the basement!
(man) Can you believe it's Snowflake Jake?
(JFK) I wished for curry!
Look, everyone!
It's snowing outside!
Hey, where'd that hot homeless chick
who may or may not have been Mandy Moore go?
- I don't know. - Maybe she had a gig.
She just disappeared.
So she wasn't Mandy Moore.
She was angel, an angel all along.
Well, jolly Snowflake Day, angel.
Jolly Snowflake Day, everyone!
(all) Jolly Snowflake Day, everyone!
[cheerful music]
[van backfiring]
*
(narrator) Next week on a very special Clone High...
Joan gets a makeover,
Gandhi gets a makeover,
Principal Scudworth gets a makeover,
and old Abe stays the same:
lovable.
Maybe I'll get a wax or something.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees *
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're gonna make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High