(male narrator) Previously, on a very special Clone High...
This is a really long episode, so I'm gonna go fast.
Joan likes Abe. Abe's dating Cleo.
It's a crazy love triangle.
Let's start the show.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High
(Toots) It all started when folks around here
noticed a storm was a-brewing.
[dramatic music]
[shutters clanging]
[shutters slam shut]
Brr.
Storm's a-brewing.
[chair creaking]
[lightning cracking]
Storm's a-brewing.
[lightning cracks]
Storm's a-brewing...
in my heart.
[door creaks]
[slurred] Cleopatra.
I thought I told you--
Oh, spin the bottle.
Can I play?
[lightning cracks]
Now, listen here.
I may be blind,
but don't worry about this storm, Joan of Arc.
I built this house like Noah built his ark:
ready for a flood.
Yep.
This house...
is flood-proof.
[lightning cracks]
[fire crackling]
It's gone, Toots.
All gone.
What a terrible flood.
[oar screeching]
Holler when you see land, Joanie.
[oar screeching]
Holler when you see land.
[oar screeching]
[rock music]
*
(Abe) Joan, are you okay?
We heard about your house burning down.
It's okay, Abe.
I don't need your pity.
Is it true you're living under the gym bleachers?
And I really don't need your pity.
So where do we put the canned goods?
'Cause I brought you some beef broth.
It's still good, just dented.
I'm a vegetarian.
And here's a musty old Hypercolor shirt
I found in our dust rag drawer.
I know it's out of style,
but you poor people don't care about that sort of thing, right?
I'll can you good, I will.
Girls.
Girls, please.
You know how I feel about conflict.
I'm against it.
Now, I love you both.
One in a completely platonic way,
the other with a fiery passion
that most people know but once in a lifetime.
By the way, that one's not you, Joan.
It's Cleo.
Well, I'm glad we had this talk.
Now, let's never speak of this again.
[shoes pattering]
Mail call.
[gasps]
Oh, calligraphy!
[gasps]
I've finally been invited
to the annual high society principal's ball.
This year, it's being held in the ballroom
at the local pie factory.
So much classier than the ballroom
at the seltzer factory.
Mr. Butlertron, I'd be honored if you'd be my plus one.
I'm walking on sunshine.
Whoa-whoa.
(both) High society, here we come.
- Yippety ta-ta. - * Yip, ta-ta
[rock music]
Welcome to the Grassy Knoll.
Try our new smoothie, the Jack Ruby red berry blast.
Sure.
Can I, err, uh...
add melons to that?
[laughs]
Melons.
And, uh...
coconuts?
(Gandhi) Yeah!
Can I get yams?
Hey, find your own joke, shorty.
The booby bit is mine.
I would like to add some cans of milk.
[laughs]
Yeah!
And some jugs of cream.
[laughs]
That's it, pal.
You just ordered yourself up a knuckle sandwich.
(all) Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Fight! Fight! - Oh, my God!
Fight!
Guys, guys, please!
I have the DNA of Abraham Lincoln.
Resolving disputes is in my nature.
Now, why don't we all take a deep breath.
[Gandhi grunting]
How do you like that berry blast?
And by berry blast, I mean...
a blast to your berries.
[laughs]
[spits]
Pun thief.
Huh.
Conflict mediation seminar, here I come.
(King, Jr.) I had a dream.
A dream we'd have ham and cheese sandwiches
for lunch.
But, Moses, you are shattering my dream.
But Martin Luther King, Jr.
You know I'm a Jew
and also lactose intolerant.
Freeze!
Now let's resolve this fight using conflict mediation.
Try passing this egg from one spoon to another
using only your mouths.
[metal clinks]
Wow.
I never saw it from that perspective before.
Me either.
I now realize I should be more tolerant of lactose.
[applause]
Welcome home, Abe.
Welcome home.
- Yippety ta-ta. - * Yip, ta-ta
Principal Scudworth.
[singing stops abruptly]
I trust we're not...
interrupting.
Um...
No.
We have a little present for you, Cinnamon.
It's a token of our thanks for going one full year
without planning your own suspicious plot
behind our backs.
[door creaks]
[Principal Scudworth gasps]
A toy robotic dog?
The perfect present!
Clearly expensive, yet something I would never buy for myself.
It shows you care
but don't really know anything about me.
I love it!
His name is ECyboPooch.
Finally!
A robot to love and call my very own.
[squeaks]
What?
[electronic whirr]
(Cleopatra) Okay, guys.
With the nonperishable foods, keep in mind
that you can totally take the wrapper off cat food,
and they'll think it's tuna.
(Toots) Mm-mm.
Joan, your friends sure are generous.
Wait. Cleo is not my friend.
That ho bag is just pretending to care
to make me feel even worse about being homeless.
Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, Joanie.
'Cause I found us a big old house to live in.
Really?
Now, as you know,
I've been courting a fine-looking lady friend
for a while now.
And she's generously offered to let us move into her home.
Cleo's drunk foster mom,
come on out here, girl.
[grunting]
Cleo's mom?
She has a daughter about your age too.
Now, I don't really recall the girl's name.
Something like Cle-gloo--
Cledis-- Cle--Cledis.
That's it--Cledis. Her name's Cledis.
No, that's not it.
Anyway, I'm sure you two will get along.
[wind blowing]
[thunder clapping]
[wind blowing]
[thunder clapping]
[dramatic music]
Storm's still a-brewing.
[lighting cracks]
Metaphorically, too.
[humming]
[slurping]
It's so nice I don't have to drive all the way over here
when I want to make sweet, sweaty music with you,
Cleo's drunk foster mom.
[whispering] I got to speak in code
so the kids don't know what I'm talking about.
[grunting]
How you like that there?
I never thought hell would be this pink.
[drawer squeaks]
You can put all your stuff in here.
If we're gonna share a room,
I just need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.
It prohibits you from discussing such things
as my pre-makeup morning face
and my mid-afternoon bowel movement.
Hey, hey.
How are my two favorite girls?
Abe, remind me.
Now, do you like Cleo 'cause she's conceited
or 'cause she's a whore?
[laughing] Whoa!
[laughs]
Yeah, and Abe.
Remind me.
Is Joan your best friend because of some elaborate joke,
or is it sympathy?
[laughs heartily]
That's rich.
But, seriously,
maybe I can help resolve your conflict
in an efficient, yet ineffectual manner.
Who's up for a trust game?
Joan, you fall backwards into Cleo's arms.
And, Cleo, you catch Joan to show she can rely on you.
I'm so confident you two can work this out,
I'm not even gonna stay to watch the magic.
Proceed.
*
[thud!]
*
[thunder claps]
(Mr. Butlertron) Oh, Wesley.
I can't wait for the principal's ball.
I hammered out the dents in my good tuxedo.
Not now, Mr. B.
I'm learning how to use ECyboPooch.
Ooh.
It says if you stroke his sensor,
he wags his tail.
How lifelike!
(Mr. Butlertron) Lifelike?
I can hold complex conversations with you
in two distinct intonations.
And if I hit Enter, Command, F4, Turbo, Turbo, Select,
and then clap twice,
ECyboPooch will sit up and bark!
[thudding]
[laughs]
What a cutie pie!
[tuxedo clangs]
Don't be fooled.
That mangy mutt is up to no good.
Mr. B, I will not tolerate your unfounded paranoia!
ECyboPooch is part of this family,
and he deserves your e-respect.
Well, I wish I was never born into this stupid family.
(Principal Scudworth) Oh, well then that's it!
You're not cooking me dinner tonight.
[yelling] How do you like that?
(Gandhi) Oh, yeah.
Joan and Cleo living together.
If that curtain wasn't there, I'd be seeing
some naughty babe-on-chick action right about now.
[laughs]
Hey, what gives?
First you steal my jokes,
now my peeping bush?
I'm counting to ten, and then sock-o.
Shut up.
You shut up.
No...
you shut up.
[gasps]
Did you just tell me to shut up?
I did.
- Shut up. - Shut up.
- Shut up! - Shut up.
[both yelling] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
[yelling indistinctly]
[thud!]
*
(Abe) Psst.
Joan.
You're a girl, right?
Do you know how to remove a bra?
[growls]
I mean, do you step into it like pants,
or pull it over like a shirt?
Why don't you just take the tissues out,
and it'll fall off.
[gasps]
You signed the nondisclosure agreement.
I hope you have good lawyers
'cause I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off,
bleacher trash.
Girls, girls, girls.
You're both human beings.
You both put your bras on one leg at a time.
In my conflict mediation seminar,
we learn to channel the cold pricklies
that divide us
into warm fuzzies that unite us...
By painting our emotions.
Huh?
I'll get the smocks.
And I know what I'm gonna paint:
a dividing line...
right down the middle of the room.
Great.
That sort of thing works out
on situation comedies all the time.
[thunder cracks]
[dramatic music]
[cheery music]
*
So how are the conflicts?
Mediated?
Hello?
Dinger.
Abe, get down.
Down!
[Joan yelling]
[rock music]
Joan's gone crazy since we divided the room.
She's like a monkey in every way!
*
(Abe) I sure didn't think you'd paint the line horizontally.
Bunk beds, Abe.
Think!
[groans]
*
Yankee go home.
*
Okay, I'm hearing that Cleo is saying
she would be respectful of Joan if she--
Die, Dixie slut.
And Joan brings a good point to the table.
*
That's enough.
[cat meows]
Joan in the north and Cleo in the south,
hear me when I say:
a bedroom divided against itself cannot stand.
[flames whoosh]
[lighter clicks]
[flames whooshing]
(man) * There's battle lines that bisect *
[explosion]
* Nobody's correct *
[glass shatters]
* If everybody's incorrect *
*
[gasps]
(man) * Folks fighting everywhere you go *
Hmm?
[smacking]
Huh?
(man) * Let he without sin
* Cast the first stone
[gasps]
(man) * Let's say we pause talking *
* Do-da, day
* What's so civil about war anyway? *
*
* Get it?
*
[water splashes]
[dramatic music]
Cuff link me so we can get your stupid principal's ball
over with.
Huh.
There's something I was supposed to tell you.
[metal clicking]
[gasps]
Bollocks.
You selfish meat-filled clog.
Oh, real mature, Mr. Jerkatron.
You know if I don't spend time with ECyboPooch
his eyes dim.
Oh, at least I'm not a giant pompous china doll
whose evil plans suck the devil's ass.
That's right, Wesley.
Find yourself a new best friend.
[mockingly] Oh!
Wherever will I find a new best friend?
Pound, nine, clap, clap, enter!
[ECyboPooch barks]
[pants]
I'll expect your resignation on my desk in the morning.
Oh, and, Lynn?
I know which CDs are mine.
*
[muttering indistinctly]
[wood cracking]
[muttering angrily]
[gasps]
[wind howling]
[paper rustling]
*
Oh, original Abe Lincoln.
There's so much conflict.
I wish there was some way
I could find out what you would do.
Wait a minute!
Original Abe Lincoln, eh?
[lively music]
[electronic whirring]
[feet thud]
And now, señors and señoritas,
introducing el 16th presidente of Los Estados Unidos,
Abraham Lincoln.
Wow, robomatronic Abraham Lincoln.
He's so realistic.
I mean, they really captured my grace.
Fervently we do pray
that this mighty scourge of war
may speedily pass away.
Yes, all the fighting should be stopped.
Oh, great stuff, great--oh.
This is good.
I got to get some of this down.
And, fellow Americans,
as we weave the fabric of our nation back together,
I say to you,
try the churros.
[electronic whirring]
I will, Mr. President.
I will.
Now, y'all keep your Yankee arms
and carpet binder legs inside the boat,
'cause you're fixing to enter Ford's Theatre.
Whee!
[gunshot]
[suspenseful music]
[thunder cracking]
Are you trying to smother me to death?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you there.
You're so flat-chested.
[thudding]
Enough fooling around.
Choose your pillow,
'cause it is on.
[smack!]
[gasps]
[thud!]
[both grunting]
[gasps]
[both grunting]
[spits]
Look.
Holy Toledo.
They're fighting in their skivvies!
[Yakety Sax playing]
*
[bra snaps]
[boing!]
*
[whistle blows]
*
[whistle blows]
[quiet, solemn music]
*
[whistles]
Classy.
[Yakety Sax playing]
*
I am pleased as punch.
There is an impenetrable slide curtain
between the ballroom and the rest of the pie factory.
[solemn music]
[crashing]
[all yelling]
[Yakety Sax playing]
[pies squishing]
Well, I never.
This is an outrage.
Fetch me a pie, darling.
*
[pie squishes]
Chicken potpie, Principal Scudworth?
Why, thank you.
[pie squishes]
Oh, my God!
Great gravy!
It's burning my flesh!
But it's so delicious!
*
[crashing]
[blow lands]
[electronic whirring]
Come in, Evil Board of Shadowy Figures.
This is ECyboPooch with damning evidence
of Scudworth.
I will now upload said evidence via a 2,400 baud modem.
[dial-up static]
There you are, you little scamp.
[lasers zap]
Not so fast, ECybo snitch.
[dramatic music]
[lasers zapping]
[explosion]
My robot's intuition told me he was a spy.
And I found this.
You broke ECyboPooch to death!
[yells]
[grunts]
[Yakety Sax playing]
Everyone, stop your pie war!
I have something to say.
*
Please!
My eight-inch Abe wants to talk to you.
He's in my pants.
Come on, everybody!
Let's go out behind this building,
and I'll show him to you.
(all) Mm.
[crowd gasps]
[crowd sighs]
Officially licensed Abe Lincoln merchandise,
do your thing.
Try the churros.
The point is:
I learned something today
from a replica of the original Abe Lincoln.
And now it's time for this replica
of the original Abe Lincoln to pass that message along.
As my clone father once so eloquently said...
[clears throat]
"Fervently we do prawn."
Prawn?
No, that can't be right.
Something about a scourge.
No, I don't even know how to spell "scourge."
No, but I guess this could be "scourge."
Yeah, no, it is "scourge."
This is definitely "scourge."
[patriotic music]
[Yakety Sax plays]
[pies squishing]
*
[crowd laughing]
[laughs]
[laughter]
(man) Oh, it's raining.
[laughter]
[thunder cracks]
(man) Did you notice it's raining?
[laughter]
(man) It's raining.
(Toots) But in the end, the storm came,
and it wiped away all that bad feelings
and also the pie.
Eventually, the heavens got all their crying out,
and it was time to be happy again.
And like the north and south,
Joan and Cleo realized it was time to put an end
to their overt hatred for each other.
And instead, have an understood, unspoken hatred.
And Principal Scudworth and Mr. B,
well, they learned--
Toots.
[slurred] Who are you talking to?
Now, I'm a blind man.
You telling me I've been talking to myself the whole time?
Well, if that ain't the most embarrassing thing.
[eye squishes]
[Yakety Sax playing]
(announcer) Next time, on a very special Clone High.
The whole thing's a friggin' rock opera,
starring Jack Black.
Want to see more?
Watch the friggin' show.
It's free, buddy.
I'm drunk.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High