[roars]
[gentle guitar music]
[birds chirping]
*
* Everything's normal, nobody's mopin' *
* Let's take it for granted the campus is open *
* Our freedom will be here
* That is a given
* I'm Principal Scudworth *
* To power I'm driven *
* Cleo, only Cleo
* Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo *
* Cleo, only Cleo
* Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo, Cleo *
* Ay-ay-ay-Abe
(all) * Organically awesome fantastical bliss *
* If something bad happened
* It'd probably sound like thissssss *
(all) * Normal
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're gonna make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High
(Joan ) So, everybody, put your hands together,
and pull them apart.
Then put them back together again,
making a skin-on-skin slapping noise
for Larry Hardcore!
[cheers and applause]
Are you ready to say no to drugs?
Whoo!
'Cause if you don't say no to drugs,
you're gonna say yes to regret.
And believe me, I know a little something about regret.
I regret the time that I got "high"
and wrote a hit song
and it made me insane amounts of coin...
coin I used to buy more drugs...
and a motorboat
and a house for my mom.
Plus I gave some to charity.
See, I was into everything:
weed, grass, ganja, reefer,
marijuana, Mary Jane.
I did it all.
I even smoked pot once.
[all gasp]
I was such a waste case,
I would have probably smoked-- I don't know--raisins
if somebody told me they got you high.
You can smoke raisins?
I've always enjoyed ingesting raisins,
but I never thought about smoking them.
Now I have, and I want to do it.
It sounds so dangerous.
(JFK) Perhaps that scary-looking hooded fella
lurking in the shadows knows where we can get some.
[sinister voice] Yes.
Come to me.
[coughs and clears throat]
[normal voice] Pardon.
Come to me.
Step into my office.
Hold my calls.
Sun nuggets. Solar babies. La uva loca.
California's finest, all for you to smoke-a.
I like your funny words, magic man.
I'm the pusher!
How many scoops?
Two, please.
[both laughing]
[laughing] Two scoops of raisins.
Oh, man, that's funny.
So that's why smoking raisins isn't cool.
Wow, she's right!
That Joan of Arc is a convincing speaker.
(JFK) All cool people
report to my van to smoke raisins!
- Yeah! - JFK is a convincing speaker.
Are you coming, Abe?
Well, if you are and everyone else is...
Abe, don't.
What about all you've previously said about peer pressure?
Joan, Cleo and I have been dating for two weeks now.
If I don't follow her to JFK's van,
she might hook up with someone else.
It's called trust, Joan.
Mr. Butlertron, my robot butler,
were you aware that there's a secret association
consisting of both parents and teachers
manipulating events behind my back?
Are you referring to the PTA?
So you do know!
Any group that controls this many fonts
and is bold enough to use
all these exclamation marks
must be incredibly powerful!
And soon, in fact, this Thursday in the cafetorium,
I shall become their leader!
[inhales]
[exhales]
Whoa.
Smokin' raisins is like LSD...
on acid.
[inhales]
[exhales]
Abe...
inhale some dried fruit.
No.
The only thing Gandhi and I will be inhaling
is a little drug called abstinence.
And no amount of peer pressure will change our minds.
Wow, I'm accepted.
[inhales]
[glass shatters]
[screams]
[glass shatters]
[laughing]
Welcome, Gandhi. It is I, Geldhemoor.
I am here to take you on a magical journey
into your subconscious.
What are you?
I am a humkeycorn--
half hummingbird, half donkey,
and half unicorn.
Eat this magic trail mix so we can begin our quest.
A donkey and a hummingbird doin' it?
[giggles]
I hope your mom wasn't the hummingbird!
Just eat the damn trail mix, Gandhi.
Wow, I'm shrinking!
And somehow my clothes are also shrinking in proportion!
And my voice is getting higher in proportion to the shrinkage
of my clothes and my body!
Now grab on to my horn, and away we go!
Uh, Gandhi, would you mind eating just a little more
magic trail mix?
I don't mean to be difficult, but I recently had back surgery.
Abe, I hear when you're high on raisins,
first and a half base is amazing.
Under the shirt, over the bra?
Yes.
Everybody's doin' it.
Give in to peer pressure.
Don't be a wussy.
What's it gonna be, Abe?
What's it gonna be?
(Cleopatra) What's it gonna be, Abe?
Hand me that raisin doobie.
[inhales]
[coughing]
Huh. I don't really feel anything.
Well, I have a strong constitution,
so I don't really--
I can taste the sun!
[laughing]
Oh!
Hello, revelers!
I am Captain Lavender,
and this is my common-law wife, Rain Melon.
Now it is time to express our togetherness
through manic sexualized dancing!
[psychedelic music]
*
(men) * Wah, wah, blah, cha
(man) * Bug dance, gravy trance
* Butterfly dream
* Hog, frog, vegan bread, sunflower cream *
* Tie-dye, contact high, love from the sun *
* Smoke, fly, raisins dry, Vietnam fun *
* Berry crop
whack!
What happened, Abe?
Why didn't you just tell them you were high
on your mother's love like we rehearsed?
I did, Joan.
But fortunately, I have real friends
who kept pressuring me until I understood
the fantastical truth about raisins.
Oof!
You've changed, Abe.
Well, maybe everything's changed,
only you haven't changed,
so you're the one who's changed, because it's all relative!
Hmm?
Hmm.
Gandhi, the first stage of your journey
is to find the magic amulet of Balthazul.
It will lead you to a beautiful princess
imprisoned in the Castle Fusilor.
Fish and asparagus sounds good right about now.
Gandhi! No!
[screams]
[grunts]
[cat munching]
Abe, where have you been?
The library.
I mean the--
Get off my back!
Your mother found these in your pants, Smokey!
Those weren't for smoking.
They're just a project for school.
They were Gandhi's. I was holding them for him.
I've never seen those before in my life.
You're the one holding raisins.
I should ask where you got them.
What are raisins?
From you, okay?
I learned it from watching you!
Oh, tree, I wish you had some idea
how to solve the raisin problem.
I got something that'll make all your teenage problems
go up in smoke.
[exhales]
[echoing] Check it!
[inhales]
[hard rock music]
* I'm the pusher *
* The pusher
* I push raisins on kids and kids think it's cool *
* 'Cause they're told not to do it *
* By their parents and school *
* I'm the pusher *
* I become alluring with bans and boycotts *
* First they'll smoke raisins *
* Then they'll shoot up apricots *
* I know you can't resist me *
* Know you wanna smoke some fruit *
* Check out my sweet-ass matching pantsuit *
* I'm the badass, low-class pusher *
* I'm the booty-lickin' taco-stickin' pusher *
* Kids think drugs are cool
* That is why I rule
* I provoke simple folk so they'll smoke *
* Take a toke, get your foot off my cloak *
Oh, sorry.
* I'm the sky-high, have-a-try pusher *
* I'm the smoke-screen, have-a-dream pusher *
* I'm the booty-pokin', raisin-smokin' pusher *
* And in summary, I'm the pusher *
*
So how many scoops?
How many do you got?
[echoing] Hello!
[robotic voice] We've been expecting you, Gandhi.
Whoa!
It is I,
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Oh, my God! You guys got so hot!
You used to be, like, troll babies,
but, you know, I never gave up hope.
All our gold and riches are now yours...
except that amulet.
It was given to me by Dave Coulier,
a dear friend.
Actually, you can have it.
Wow, this is the amulet that Geldhemoor spoke of.
And there's an inscription on the bottom.
"Cut it out."
Journey to the Castle Fusilor and defeat the terrible dragon,
he who is called Daniel Feldspar,
and save the Princess Gremulon,
she who is descended from the great Rivinojaneelankavil.
And?
Save the princess, Gandhi, and she will thrice lay you.
Like your clonefather, the original Gandhi,
your quiet strength shall lead us to redemption.
Yow! Thrice laid! Ha-ha!
We found raisins in Abe's pockets,
but he said they were Gandhi's.
Our Gandhi would never do drugs.
In an unrelated story, he's been missing for four days.
People!
Raisins are a gateway fruit.
Now, I'm on the fence about this.
What if there were some way we could fence them
from the dangers and offenses of the world?
How about-- oh, I don't know--
a fence?
And I shall exploit this organization's power
to build it...
as your new king,
King Scudworth the Lionhearted!
Actually, we're governed by a volunteer committee
that serves--
I said king!
It's like the "civilized" world
doesn't understand us and our self-importance.
Yeah.
It's like, first and a half base...
we should totally just go there,
just to show them.
[chuckles]
Did you bring protection?
[horn honking]
Hop aboard Sergeant JFK's magical mystery tour!
Uh, Cleo and I are kind of having a celestial moment.
And so am I.
The moon is chasing me.
Everywhere I go, there he is.
Knock it off, moon!
I'm coming up there!
Neh...
neh...
[screams]
[both gasp]
(Abe's foster mom) Abe?
[talking backwards]
[wind whistling]
[ominous drumbeats]
(Scudworth) * I'm building a fence *
* It's our last defense *
* Raisins'll be past tense *
* And I'll rule the parents *
* Build it higher
* Build it higher-er-er
* Build it hi-i-igher-er-er-er
[laughing wickedly]
[fast guitar music]
* Grounded? For what? *
* For growing up? For being free? *
* We're doing this for you, boy, not doing it for me *
* You're not going to the hippie beach *
* Drum circle peace fair *
* Abe
* Abe's my slave name, square *
* Captain Lavender
* Raisins are building a barrier *
* And we need to build a wall to break it down *
* You don't understand us *
* You and this stinkin' town *
* I wish I could die
* Your barbecued chicken's very dry *
[glass shatters]
[gasps]
[roars]
G'day, Gandhi.
It is I, Daniel Feldspar,
a stereotypically Australian dragon.
I'm gonna eat you like a dingo eats his baby.
Koala! Boomerang! Wallaby!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Shrimp on a barbie...
This quest is too hard.
What would the real Gandhi do?
[gasps] Hey, dragon!
I'm thinking about going on a hunger strike,
but I've never tried Vegemite.
Never tried Vegemite?
Wait here. I'll fix you a sammy.
[humming]
* I'm gonna make a sammy for Gandhi *
[humming continues]
(Gandhi) Geldhemoor.
But where's the princess?
Closer than you think, Gandhi.
Use the amulet.
[choral singing]
It was I all along.
As reward for your bravery and leadership,
I shall thrice lay you.
Uh...that's cool.
But...I'm good.
But--but I shall thrice lay you.
Um...I just ate,
and they say that you shouldn't lay thrice,
uh, after eating.
Uh, thank you.
Uh...
we could just do coffee first.
It doesn't have to be a big deal.
It's just, um,
I've got to be up early.
Oh, okay.
All right. That's fine.
I'm kind of seeing someone anyway.
Well, um...
thanks for the trippy adventure through my subconscious.
I'll call you.
Okay, great.
You know, maybe we could, uh, hang out
but, you know, not...
Sure, sometime, maybe.
Not lay.
Whatever.
Just hang.
Yeah, well, I'm listed in Santa Monica.
Thanks.
[rock music]
*
* They're not gonna crush our freedom *
* We smoke raisins but they just eat 'em *
* The sun is raising us to a higher plane *
* After this line there's gonna be a refrain *
* Watch me
* Hold me
* Sign my cast for me
* Wheel me
(all) * And it's raisin' us higher *
* And higher
* Raisins are from heaven
* Now we're raisin' hell *
(all) * Higher
* And higher
* Build the pickets higher
* Don't skimp on that barbed wire *
(all) * Higher
* And higher
* My power grows higher
* With each raisin buyer
Attack!
* I'm king of the wall *
* You're going to fall *
* When push comes to shove we'll conquer with love *
(all) * Love, only love
* Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love *
* Love, only love
This isn't working!
Love is just an abstract concept.
It can't knock down stuff.
* I'll build it higher *
* I'm getting higher *
* Higher
* Higherrrrrrr
* Higherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
[yells]
Where am I?
(man) Inside of you.
Inside of me too.
And me is you.
* You must see the truth about the evil raisin *
* You're all enslaved by the joints that you're blazin' *
* If you free up the kids *
* It'd be you that they're praisin' *
* Cleo would do you and I hear she's amazin' *
You were my cloned conception.
Now you'll lead us to redemption.
For you are my son.
* My son
* Ay-ay-ay-Abe
Abe, are you okay?
I am now, Joan.
Man, I look like a jackass in these rainbow shorts.
Yes, you do, Abe. But don't worry.
I've got a plan.
Hey, parents!
I bought all these raisins for me and my student peers,
and now we're gonna smoke them.
Let's just burn 'em.
Burn 'em like the roof's on fire.
(all) Burn 'em! Burn 'em! Burn 'em! Burn 'em!
[all inhaling]
Whoa, these raisin fumes are making me feel
all groovy inside.
Now that authority figures are doing it,
it doesn't seem so rebellious.
Let's smoke crack instead.
No!
My power is diminishing!
Oh, I'm the pusher...
the pusher.
Let's see who this pusher really is.
Larry Hardcore?
But why?
[groans]
I opened for the California Raisins
on their '89 tour,
but these days, the only dancing fruits kids want to see
are the Backstreet Boys.
[sighs]
The point is, the Raisin Council
needed a new marketing campaign to attract teens.
Do you mean to say
smoking raisins doesn't really get you high?
That's right.
Those psychedelic adventures were all in your heads.
All in your heads.
(Gandhi) Hi, everybody!
Who wants Vegemite?
(male narrator) Next time, on a very special Clone High...
one of the clones will be horribly killed.
[whispering] My money's on Abe.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees *
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're gonna make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High