(male narrator) Previously, on a very special Clone High...
Joan made a pass at Abe,
Cleo made a pass at Joan,
and Abe scored,
but not on the court.
I find sports metaphors very useful
for making veiled sexual references.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High
Abe, not here.
The first kiss sets the tone for the whole relationship.
It has to be perfect.
Gosh, Cleo, what else can I do to make this perfect?
I'm wearing eight magazines' worth of Drakkar Noir.
Well, I mean, I hate to bring up my first kiss with JFK.
Please don't.
We were in the back of his van,
parked behind the Laundromat, empty wine coolers
jabbing into our writhing naked bodies.
Naked bodies?
Look, Abe, I'm the clone of Cleopatra,
the most glamorous woman in history.
I need our first kiss to be passionate,
dramatic, unexpected, and ideally,
accompanied by fireworks.
[fireworks popping and hissing]
You know what I'm in the mood for right now?
A salad.
(Joan) What do you mean, you haven't kissed her yet?
What about that night at JFK's party
when everyone was drinking non-alcoholic beer?
What a hilarious night.
This is our first kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend,
and Cleo needs it to be perfect.
But JFK used to just park his van--
Yeah, yeah. I heard.
Yeah, so did everyone in fifth period English.
She's a screamer, Abe.
Enough!
Man, you wanted a kiss, but instead you got bubkes.
[gasps]
Kiss, bubkes.
I just totally rhymed.
I rhymed!
Wait, rhymed, rhymed.
[gasps]
I did it again!
What's so great about accidentally rhyming?
There are no accidents in rhyming, dog.
You see, rhyming's a godlike force
that chooses people for stardom.
It happened to Bubba Sparxxx, and now it is happening to me.
You kind of just rhymed kiss with kiss, Gandhi.
Please, call me G-Spot.
Whatever.
Abe, forget Cleo.
I mean, if two people are in love,
the first kiss will just happen at the right moment...
like this.
[laughing]
Thanks, Joan.
Your fake infatuation bit never fails to amuse.
You should join an improv troupe.
(Principal Scudworth) Once I implant these brain-wave transmitters
into the clones' brains, I will be able
to see and hear everything they taste and smell.
We'll start with the As.
I've got John Adams.
John Quincy Adams.
Sam Adams.
Abigail--
Damn, there's a lot of Adams!
Now, you know how I like to perform evil surgery.
Everything has to be just so.
[saw buzzing]
*
Why, that sounds like the pizzicato tiptoeing
of a pesky skunk.
Unacceptable!
[chattering]
This isn't a skunk.
Some kind of hissing novelty candle
for a giant birthday cake.
[loud booming]
Try and catch me, bitch.
[screaming]
Oh, my God!
[lively music]
*
(Cleopatra) After we have our perfect first kiss,
I'm gonna do things to you
that would shock the college boy
I hooked up with at cheerleading camp.
Wait, what college boy?
Shh, don't talk.
This moment feels perfect.
Kissably perfect.
Dinger!
[slurring] Hey, hot lips.
This letter got mixed up in my disability checks.
You know, I used to be pretty when I was in school.
Now look at me!
[gasping] Oh, my God.
I applied to be a dancer
on Ashley Angel from O-Town's Spring Break Dance Academy.
The Ashley Angel from O-Town?
From TV's gift to pop music and the world, O-Town?
Wow, he's like the Beatles and Jesus rolled into one.
If I get in, it'll look so great
on my college application.
Come on, that show is just a porn substitute
with questionable academic value.
No, no.
Since Ashley Angel from O-Town became dean of admissions,
he's turned it into a prestigious dance academy
that just happens to have the cameras running.
[screams]
Oh, I can't believe it! I'm in!
I'm going to study under Ashley Angel from O-Town.
But they tape that show far away on the sunny beaches of Canada.
What about us?
[screams]
Ashley Angel from O-Town!
Oh! Oh, it's so cold.
Oh, it's so cold.
I like it.
Ashley Angel from O-Town, eh?
* For purple mountains' majesty *
* Above the fruited plain
[laughing]
Fruited plain!
Fruit!
It has two meanings!
[laughing]
[coughing]
JFK, man, you got to help me.
Oh, God!
You're the only dude I know
who has a recording studio in his crib.
What are you talking about, bald nerd?
I got to lay down a rap demo for Ashley Angel from O-Town.
Who?
He's that teen idol from that boy band.
- 'NSYNC? - No.
- Backstreet Boys? - No.
- 98 Degrees? - No.
- Menudo? - No.
He's in the band O-Town.
Oh, you mean the superstar
who hosts the spring break dance academy?
His connections to the music industry
will help me fulfill my weeklong dream
of becoming an international rap sensation.
No can do!
I'm recording my annual Fourth of July album
and laughing at gay lyrics.
Check this out!
G-Spot rocks the G-spot! G-Spot rocks the G-spot.
Wow, that rhymed.
Say hello to the next Bubba Sparxxx!
(woman) This is the final boarding announcement
for flight 100 to Canada City.
Cleo!
[gasps]
Don't get on that plane.
Abe, what are you doing here?
Stopping you from making the biggest mistake of my life.
Abe, if you ask me to stay,
you'll be stomping out the fire of my dreams.
The only fire I care about is the flame of our love.
And I couldn't live if you passed
that burning sensation to another guy.
Look, Abe, I'd like nothing more
than to let you feel me up like you were my dentist,
but I care too much about our future together.
Back up. What dentist?
Dr. Tucker?
All that matters is you, is us, is now.
[both breathing shakily]
All aboard!
All aboard for Canada City!
Can you at least take the jacket I gave you?
Oh, Abe, I'll wear it on TV.
I promise.
It'll be our secret message.
Part of you is inside of me.
Cleo!
Don't get on that plane...
yet!
First, take this demo
to give to Ashley Angel from O-Town.
Ew! Get away from me.
Now get on that plane!
Bu--oh.
Hey, man, thanks for stalling her.
Can I borrow ten bucks for an airport cookie?
*
Man, I can't believe the only way
I can see my girlfriend is on TV.
[sighs] I know how you feel, man.
*
Abe, be realistic.
I'll bet Cleo's already hooked up
with Ashley Angel from O-Town.
Wrong-o!
We made a deal to remain faithful.
No touching below the eyebrows.
[laughs]
Abe, all celebrities are completely hairless.
They put the eyebrows on in editing
to make sure the actors make the right facial expressions.
We'll see who's laughing when Cleo's wearing
my letterman's jacket on a cable TV show,
which, coincidentally, is starting right now.
*
(Ashley) What's up?
Welcome to sunny Canada, where it's always spring break.
It is I, Ashley Angel from O-Town,
and I command you to do dance.
[girls grunting and panting]
I can't believe my eyes.
She's not wearing my jacket!
*
Hey, mate, would it be cool
if I played this random demo on live TV?
Sure, teen dance shows are all about taking chances
on undiscovered young artists.
[whirring]
[funky music]
(Ghandi) Aww...
Oh, yeah.
*
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
*
* G-Spot rocks the G-spot
* G-Spot rocks the G-spot *
* What's my name? *
(all) G-Spot!
(Gandhi) * What do I rock?
(all) The G-spot!
(Ghandi) * G-Spot rocks the G-spot.
So, scholar dancers, you think this bad boy's a hit?
[crowd cheering]
(Gandhi) * What's my name? *
(all) G-Spot!
(Gandhi) * What do I rock?
* G-spot!
* G-Spot rocks the G-spot
(Cleopatra) Abe, did you see me on TV?
I saw you, but you know what I didn't see?
My letterman's jacket!
And you know where I didn't see it?
On you!
(Cleopatra) What are you talking about?
Of course I was wearing your jacket.
[Cleopatra laughs]
Who's there with you?
(Cleopatra) Just Ashley.
[laughing] Stop tickling me. Stop!
You call Professor Angel by his first name?
Hey, let me talk to that dog.
Don't worry, dog, Cleo's in good hands.
She's a real party girl.
Well, don't expect her to party with you, Professor.
We have an agreement.
Nothing below the eyebrows.
Eyebrows?
Dog, I'm an incredibly huge, unbelievably famous celebrity.
I'm completely hairless.
So it's true!
You've made a cuckold out of me.
Abe, wait!
Send back my letterman's jacket, Cleo.
I'll need it to wipe my broken heart off the floor...
and to wear when it's chilly.
My evil surgery certainly won't be disturbed
in this expensive china store.
(Skunky-Poo) Yoo-hoo!
[siren blaring]
[heart thumping]
*
Ma'am, I believe this lipstick of dynamite
belongs to you.
*
[loud booming]
[screaming]
That dynamite really smarts!
[screaming]
[glass shattering]
G-Spot, you claim rhyming chose you,
yet you have only one song, which has only one rhyme,
which is actually just the same word repeated.
Are you at least trying to write another song?
(Ghandi on recording) * G-Spot rocks the G-spot
[dolphin chirping]
I could ask you the same question.
Are you trying to write a hit song?
I'm a reporter.
(Ghandi on recording) * G-Spot rocks the G-spot
(woman) This is the final boarding announcement
for flight 100 to Exclamation, USA.
* Cleo!
[gasps]
Don't get on that plane.
Ashley, what are you doing here?
Stopping you from making the biggest mistake of my life.
I want to stay, but I have to
make things right with my boyfriend...
Abe.
But you've got so much talent, dog.
I knew it the moment I felt you grinding into my business.
All aboard!
All aboard for Exclamation, USA.
The girls who dance on beach shows
always achieve greatness.
Look at Jenny McCarthy and Maya Angelou.
Don't you want to be a star, dog?
Of course.
Everyone wants that,
except ugly people who are ashamed of the way they look.
Then stay with me.
We'll party on the beaches of Canada every day,
just you and me...
[crowd cheering]
And them.
They follow me everywhere.
[crowd cheering]
I think my manager pays them.
[melancholy music]
Surprise!
[screams]
You're not my science book!
[metal clanging]
Baby, I came back to be with you,
but you're not you.
Where's the you who gave me flowers,
who massaged my thighs?
Oh wait, that was my tennis instructor.
You lied, baby.
You didn't wear the letterman's jacket.
Baby, I did wear it.
I swear it, baby.
Baby, I watched the show.
I have eyes, you know.
They're right under my eyebrows!
[gasps]
[crying]
*
Everyone knows skunks love free bacon.
So when Skunky-Poo comes to sample the treats,
it won't be bacon he'll get a taste of.
Rather, it'll be his own medicine!
*
[laughing and wheezing]
*
Ha-ha!
*
[pen squeaking]
Free bacon for Scudworths?
Why, I'm a Scudworth.
[thud]
Oh, my God! The agony!
Nothing could be worse
than the pain I feel at this moment!
But at least I still have
this bacon to enjoy.
[loud booming]
[screaming]
Why, Skunky, why?
(Ghandi on recording) * G-Spot rocks...
How do you put out an album for every holiday,
and I can't even think of another song?
You just gave me a great idea!
What if we take a sample of a song that already exists,
and you rap over that sample?
I call it...
song-taking!
Uh, wouldn't that be against
the rapper's code of originality?
That's not dancing. It's filth!
It's letterman-jacketless filth!
And I don't condone it!
Abe, you need to forget about Cleo
and find yourself a new girl.
[clears throat]
You're right, Joan of Arc.
I'm gonna turn off this tape and find another girl,
possibly a redhead.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Wait, what's that?
VCR, pause tape.
What's that around Cleo's neck?
The world's ugliest necklace.
Probably a gift from Ashley Angel from O-Town.
VCR, zoom in on Cleo's necklace.
[mechanical beeping]
My jacket!
Joan, she did wear it!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Lucky me!
No. No, no. It doesn't count!
The arms--the arms aren't even through the sleeves!
She violated the spirit of your agreement.
Telephone, dial Cleo's number.
[beeping]
Yo.
Is Cleo there?
[slurring] Cleo's at the airport.
She's going back to be with Ashley Angel from O-Town.
But I'm here, Abe, if you want to party.
Ew.
Cleo!
[gasps]
Don't get on that plane.
[gasps]
Buddy Holly!
Is there any room on your plane?
Well, let me see.
It's me, Ritchie Valens, the Big Bopper,
Jim Croce, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and half of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Yeah, I guess there's room for one more.
[clattering]
Oh...
okay.
Abe!
Don't get on that plane.
I can't stand to not see you
not make the biggest mistake of one of our lives.
What?
Huh? None of that matters.
Cleo's flight has a layover in Atlanta City.
If we drive, we can meet her there,
and it'll save you three days' travel time.
[exasperated sigh]
And about $90.
Done.
Thanks, pal.
Let's roll!
Scudworth!
Don't get on that plane!
Cleo!
[gasps]
Don't get on that plane!
I saw the necklace, Cleo. I saw it!
Oh, Abe.
I wore the jacket in Ashley's hot tub,
and it shrank.
Ashley's hot tub?
All that doesn't matter, baby.
Just come home with me.
We'll start a new life together.
Abe, I want that more than anything.
But, you see, when I'm 25 and looking back on my life,
I don't want to regret not getting on this plane.
[whispering] You were the one.
[melancholy music]
*
(man) * I, I don't wanna forget *
* How we got this far
[screams]
Cleo!
But I-- how did you--
Love works in mysterious ways.
But you were just--
Shh.
(man) * I close my eyes and drift away *
[fireworks popping and hissing]
Thanks, Joan.
I'm kissing my girlfriend because of you.
*
Dinger.
Yo, cabana boy!
Bring me a hot dog with a side of catsup!
*
This catsup will really spice up my dog.
*
Darn it.
It seems to be blocked by some sort of lit fuse.
[loud booming]
[screaming]
Ah-ha!
*
It is I, Ashley Angel from O-Town.
Anyway, I'm here with a brand-new video.
It's G-Spot's follow-up, "UR A G Old Flag."
*
Oh, yeah.
(JFK) * You're a grand old flag, you're a high-flying flag *
Flag.
(JFK) * And forever in peace may you wave *
Wave, ya'll.
(JFK) * You're the emblem of the land I love *
Emblem.
(JFK) * The home of the free and the brave *
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
(JFK) * Every heart beats true for the red, white, and blue *
One time, two time.
(JFK) * Where there's never a boast or brag *
Do the Bartman.
(JFK) * Should auld acquaintance be forgot *
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
(JFK) * Keep your, uh, eye on the grand old flag *
Oh, yeah. Flag!
(narrator) Next time, on a very special Clone High...
* Bow-chicka-bow-bow
Girl fight.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees *
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're gonna make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High