(male narrator) Previously, on a very special Clone High...
I'll sleep when I die.
You'll die if you don't sleep!
[tires screech] [crash]
I was thinking we could sleep together.
[laughs]
(announcer) And that was really something.
But it's crap compared to
this very special episode of Clone High.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High
*
Hello, it is I, Dan Patrick,
here with Chris Berman.
Welcome to the Clone High High School pep rally
as they prepare for the big homecoming game
against archrival GESH.
Word, Dan.
GESH--that's Genetically Engineered Superhuman High--
has dominated this storied three-year rivalry.
You said an expository mouthful, my versatile friend.
Clone High has yet to score a single point on GESH.
That may change
thanks to their new and extremely untested captain,
Abe "Weakest" Lincoln.
And here comes Ghandi as school mascot DNA Dan.
And now DNA Dan will unfurl
the traditional homecoming spirit banner.
My sources tell me this year, it's going to say,
"Clone High Rules," Chris.
[reading to themselves]
[both gasp]
Dear God.
The inspirational banner
has been defaced by GESH, Chris.
I've never seen a worse atrocity, Dan,
and let me remind you I was in that movie
where Whoopi Goldberg coached the Knicks.
Hey, Chris, we've sure provided
a lot of background information, haven't we?
We sure have, Dan.
The odd thing is, my mic isn't even plugged in.
That's nothing, Chris.
I've been talking into my fist for the last five minutes.
Ghandi is pissed, yo.
I worked my beige ass off on that banner.
I'm going to get those GESH freaks back,
because if Mahatma Ghandi stands for anything,
it's revenge!
[intense scream]
Ghandi's scream was right.
The stakes were here.
But now they're here.
Those GESH hoodlums are going to feel the wrath
of 104 pounds of all-beef captain.
And the wrath of 105 pounds of grade-A girl meat.
I'm playing on the team this year, captain.
[laughs]
Oh, Joan.
You know the rules.
No girls or animals can play on the boys' teams.
But I beat you every time we play.
You were keeping score?
Ugh!
Joan, wait.
Maybe you should try on my letterman's jacket.
You mean--
That's right, Joan.
I'm giving it to Cleo at the homecoming prom,
and I want to see how it fits a girl.
What makes you think Cleo wants your jacket?
You had one date with her, and she went home with JFK!
Her house is more on his way home.
[grunts]
[crashing, grinding]
I may be blind,
but I can still hear someone
not following through on her jump shot.
What's troubling you, Joan?
Oh, Toots, I know I could help the boys' basketball team,
but the rules don't allow girls or animals.
[grunts]
Joanie, you may find this hard to believe,
but there was a time before racism was eradicated
when they wouldn't let black folks play organized sports.
So racism kept you from playing pro basketball?
Yes, Joan. Yes, it did.
Over here.
Yes, Joan. Yes, it did.
As usual, your words have inspired me, Toots.
I know just what I'm gonna do.
Ha! Still got it.
Ooh!
(Principal Scudworth) Colonel Principal,
my counterpart at GESH.
We meet again.
I say, Scudworth,
I reckon it's time for our annual wager.
[slurps] That's good julep.
Now, I'm a sportin' man,
so this year, I'm willing to bet
that your puny clones can't even score
a single point off of my boys.
What? My clones will wipe the floor with your mutants.
In this instance, "wipe the floor"
means "score a point on."
What would you care to wager?
Last year, if you recall,
I won your first-born child.
You leave Brian out of it.
No, let's up the ante.
Loser does the winner's laundry...
for a week!
[gasps]
All right, Scudworth. You've got yourself a deal.
By the way, how is Brian?
Delicious!
[intense music]
Knock, knock.
(all) Who's there?
GESH.
(all) GESH who?
GESH who's going to beat Clone High!
(all) GESH! GESH! GESH!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Colonel Principal) And let's hear it for our minister of comedy,
Detlef Schrempf.
And, finally, a man who needs no introduction,
our mascot, Geshie!
[warbling]
[all warbling]
GESH seems invincibly prank-proof,
even that spirit guy.
That's it, Ghengis!
The spirit guy!
We'll steal his mascot costume and do something to it.
But what?
We'll poop in it!
(Abe) Hey, Cleo.
I'm dedicating this next shot to you.
[glass shatters]
[cat meows] [car horn honks]
[train whistle blows]
[glass shatters]
[phone rings]
[bells clang]
[porpoise chirps]
Dinger.
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
Who are you?
My name is John Dark.
As in Joan D'Arc, the French name for Joan of Arc?
No.
Nothing like that at all.
[intense rock music]
[phone rings]
[whistle blowing] - [grunting]
As your new coach,
our goal is simple:
to score a point.
To assure said point,
we've acquired the Harlem Globetrotters' playbook
off the interweb.
So, John, how come I've never seen you before?
Yeah.
And who was the original John Dark, hmm?
Uh, he was this explorer.
Yeah, an explorer, and, uh...
And then he saw the Statue of Liberty
and realized he'd been on Earth all along.
Wow, what a turn-on.
I can't believe we haven't studied that yet.
My Kennedy sense is detecting some fresh tail.
Hey, er, uh, missie.
How about you and me play a little one-on-one?
[laughs]
Ahh!
I'll, uh, be, uh, leaving awkwardly now.
[horn honks]
[tires screech]
Uh, hey, pal,
you wanna buy some speakers?
See, we got an extra shipment in,
and and if I could just--
- [grunts] - [squeaks]
Drive, Ghengis, drive!
[tires squeal]
Okay, homes, lose the costume.
[frightened mumbling]
I said take it off, you foreigner!
[frightened mumbling]
Well, I guess we're going to have to take it off by force.
Ghengis, get back here.
- [grunting] - [hysterical screaming]
This thing won't budge.
All right, here, let me try the zipper.
[zipping]
Oh, my god! This isn't a kid in a costume!
It's a living thing!
[both screaming]
Oh, my god! He was genetically engineered with a zipper!
[both screaming]
Oh, my god! Who's driving the van?
[both screaming]
Man, this locker room full of naked boys
is a lot like every other locker room I've ever been in.
That's for sure.
[laughs, snorts]
[gasps]
So, Abe, nice playing out there.
Nice? Well, thanks to all your hot-dogging and point-scoring,
Cleo hardly noticed me.
Forget Cleo. She's a skanky ho.
Why, you'd be better off with someone like
Joan of Arc.
Are you serious, John Dark?
Joan of Arc?
Sure, that Joan of Arc is one tasty piece of bitch.
Well, she's smart, loyal, pretty,
and I delight in her caustic wit,
but...
But nothing.
You should date the crap out of her.
Wow, me and Joan.
Somehow that doesn't sound so crazy--
hey, I know what you're doing.
I see right through that mustache, John.
Or should I say
the guy who's trying to get me interested in Joan
so he can have Cleo for himself?
No!
I don't want Cleo. I want you!
To date Joan.
Well, nice try, John Dark, but forget it.
Cleo's my girl.
Hey, that's no way to treat a member of the team,
especially one whose skin is so silky smooth.
And by that, I mean someone
who's as smooth on the court
as, uh, his skin is silky.
I mean, thighs are milky!
I have to go!
Er, eh, gay foster dads?
Do you mind if I watch Will and Grace with you guys?
But you usually watch Sportscenter
up in your room, baby.
Well, I've been thinking about switching channels.
But I'm a little scared.
Well, gettin' into a new show can be a little uncomfortable.
But once you get to know the rhythm of it,
you'll be on your knees beggin' for more.
You two girls keep it down. It's back on.
(man on television) Has anyone seen my zucchini?
I'm looking at you, Will and Grace.
[laughs]
(Cleo) So John Dark-and-handsome.
When are you picking me up for the homecoming prom?
Uh, didn't Abe ask you?
Sure, but he's not half the athlete you are.
Or man.
[gobbling]
Mmm, milk.
Thanks, but I'm just not attracted to you
in that way.
I'm sorry. I'm not following.
I'm rejecting you.
Rejecting me?
[laughs]
There's something fishy about that John Dark.
[squeaking]
What the hell am I going to do with you?
You want some candy?
Candy! Candy!
- [kissing] - [laughs]
Hey, you're not so bad after all.
Geshie, friend!
- [giggles] - [laughs]
Yeah!
[playful upbeat music]
*
[bicycle bell ringing]
*
[grunting]
[excessive grunting]
To distract us from the homoerotic nature
of this men's-only weight room,
it is now time for the sexual conquest discussion to begin.
John Dark, please, uh, start us off.
I would never kiss and tell.
Intruder! Intruder!
Kidding! I'm kidding, of course.
Let's see.
Once I met this, um, girl.
(all) Yeah? Yeah?
And we kissed.
(all) Yeah? Yeah?
And then we held each other until the sun came up.
And then I nailed her.
- Jackpot! - Yeah!
Was that girl someone else's girlfriend, Dark?
Because you seem to be into that.
(all) Ooh!
You certainly don't have the moral fiber it takes
to be captain, like me.
Lincoln! You're out as captain, and John Dark's in.
I shall now remove your embroidered C.
[tearing]
Why the long face?
Genetics?
[hearty laugh]
I never wanted you to get hurt, Abe.
It's a little late for that.
You may have my captain's C,
but you'll never get my other C.
Cleo!
Your Cleo asked me to the dance!
You lie, Dark!
[screaming]
I'm not talking to you anymore.
There's no one I can trust!
Even Joan hasn't been around recently,
for some unsuspicious reason.
Damn it, I'm the tallest!
[sighs] Perfect.
Hey, uh, new captain.
Just wanted to say that you should pass me the ball more.
Because I'm always open.
[whispers loudly] For anything.
[splashing]
Penny for your thoughts.
Oh, Mr. Butlertron,
I wanted-- I mean, my friend wanted
to show that girls can do anything boys can,
but in the process,
she ended up hurting the one boy she loves most.
"Your friend" should listen to her heart.
I'm not programmed to wink,
but if I were programmed to wink,
I would have winked when I said, "Your friend."
Oh, Mr. B, I just don't want to hurt Abe.
What would the real Joan of Arc have done?
She would have listened to her heart.
And then she would have gotten burned at the stake,
but, you know, what are the odds of that gonna happen again?
[laughs nervously]
38%.
Geshie, there was a time
when I wanted to rip your head off and poop into you.
Geshie love Ghandi.
And Ghandi love Geshie.
That's why I have to set you free.
[mumbles sadly]
[excited warbling]
Candy!
[squirrel squeaking]
Candy!
[birds chirping]
[giggles] Candy!
[excited warbling]
- [porpoise chirping] - [chomping]
[saw shearing]
[whistles]
Well, we're now exactly one minute into the contest,
and it's starting to look like GESH
may have the advantage tonight.
And new captain John "Dancing in the" Dark
hasn't taken a shot yet.
He keeps passing to that gangly buffoon,
Abe Lincoln.
[glass shatters]
Now, these are just my bustles and kerchiefs.
The rest of my delicates are festering in my PT Cruiser.
(Ghandi) With Geshie gone, my heart's just not in it.
I sure hope he's okay.
What a shellacking!
Taft, Napoleon, here's the stilts
and the obscenely long trench coat.
You know what to do.
Looks like a new player's checking in to the game.
(Dan Patrick) I don't think that's a regulation trench coat, Chris.
And I've never seen an 8'6" player
with such tiny, wooden feet.
[grunting]
Pass it to the tall kid!
[growling]
Geshie!
Ghandi!
Geshie!
Ghandi!
- [chomping] - [whistle blows]
Aww.
(Dan Patrick) Oh! Technical foul on GESH for biting.
That's two shots for Clone High.
Abe, we're all counting on you...
to give the ball to Dark!
He's shooting the free throws!
Oh, did you think that I meant that you--
no!
Let Abe shoot.
He can make it.
Forget it, John. I suck.
You should shoot.
Yes, listen to the sucky kid.
No. I can't do this.
You see, the rules don't allow
girls or animals to play basketball.
But I wanted to prove that a girl can play
just as good as any guy.
That's why I donned this clever disguise.
You see, I'm not John Dark.
I'm Joan of Arc!
[gasping]
Oh, so the, uh, fellow was a broad from the get-go.
Good bye, Will and Grace.
Hello, Dharma and Greg!
Ugh, I almost did it with Joan?
Uh, hot.
Joan, how could you lie to me?
Abe, try to understand. I--
Oh, I understand you sold us all a bill of goods,
and those goods turned out to be bad.
Then you sold me up the river.
That may be, but I sent you up that river
with my heart as a paddle.
But you took that paddle and smacked me in the face.
And I wear my heart on my sleeve,
so when I wiped my face, I got heart all over it.
Ge--wait, what are we talking about?
I don't know, Joan!
But I do know this.
You have to shoot those free throws.
No chance, skeezix.
You know the rules.
Henry the VIII, you're in.
[porpoise chirping]
[crowd gasps]
Damn it!
Would everyone in a fake mustache please leave?
Okay, Lincoln, I trust your sideburns are real.
Do this for me.
Shoot the damn ball!
No!
I admit it; I laughed at Joan
when she wanted to be on the team.
To think of it, a girl playing basketball?
[snickers]
[laughter]
I know. Pretty weird, huh?
But it turns out Joan is the best player on the team.
I say let her shoot!
(crowd) Let her shoot! Let her shoot! Let her shoot!
Oh, hell, I wrote the rule. I'll just erase it.
Ball is yours, girlie!
Thanks, Abe.
Score that point, John Dark.
Score it like the wind.
[dramatic music]
[cameras popping]
*
[grunts]
*
[gasping]
*
[crowd murmurs]
Girl ball! Girl ball!
[grunts]
[ecstatic cheering]
I wore these bad boys at Burning Man...
seven years in a row!
Let's hear it for our hero!
I'm no hero.
I'm just a girl who loves basketball.
Not you, Abe.
If Abe hadn't made that speech, you never would have scored.
(crowd) Abe! Abe! Abe! Abe!
Oh, Abe, you're my hero.
(crowd) Abe! Abe! Abe! Abe!
And that concludes our broadcast
of the Clone High homecoming game.
Now stay tuned for the Mills Elementary School
dodge ball championships.
(Geshie) Candy!
(male announcer) Next week on a very special Clone High,
will Abe and Cleo share their first kiss
besides the one they had on the first episode?
And will special guest star Ashley Angel from O-Town
make me scream?
Oh, my God! I love you, Ashley!
Yes, yes, he will.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High