1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,500
(male narrator)
Previously,
on a very special Clone High...

2
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:07,833
I'll sleep when I die.

3
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:09,800
You'll die
if you don't sleep!

4
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,600
[tires screech]
[crash]

5
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,200
I was thinking
we could sleep together.

6
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,533
[laughs]

7
00:00:15,533 --> 00:00:18,233
(announcer)
And that was really something.

8
00:00:18,233 --> 00:00:19,833
But it's crap compared to

9
00:00:19,833 --> 00:00:24,367
this very special episode
of Clone High.

10
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:27,100
(Abandoned Pools singing)
* Way, way back in the 1980s

11
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:29,967
* Secret government employees

12
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:32,867
* Dug up famous
guys and ladies *

13
00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:35,833
* And made amusing
genetic copies *

14
00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:38,700
* Now the clones
are sexy teens now *

15
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:41,667
* They're going to make it
if they try *

16
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,400
* Loving, learning,
sharing, judging *

17
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:50,833
* Time to laugh
and shiver and cry *

18
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,700
* Clone High

19
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:56,400
* Clone High

20
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,233
*

21
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,067
Hello, it is I,
Dan Patrick,

22
00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:02,233
here with Chris Berman.

23
00:01:02,233 --> 00:01:04,400
Welcome to the Clone High
High School pep rally

24
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,700
as they prepare
for the big homecoming game

25
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,867
against archrival GESH.

26
00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:09,267
Word, Dan.

27
00:01:09,267 --> 00:01:11,800
GESH--that's Genetically
Engineered Superhuman High--

28
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,067
has dominated this storied
three-year rivalry.

29
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:18,067
You said an expository mouthful,
my versatile friend.

30
00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:20,067
Clone High has yet to score
a single point on GESH.

31
00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:21,500
That may change

32
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:23,933
thanks to their new and
extremely untested captain,

33
00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:26,300
Abe "Weakest" Lincoln.

34
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:30,633
And here comes Ghandi as
school mascot DNA Dan.

35
00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,933
And now DNA Dan
will unfurl

36
00:01:32,933 --> 00:01:35,133
the traditional homecoming
spirit banner.

37
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:38,067
My sources tell me this year,
it's going to say,

38
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:39,433
"Clone High Rules," Chris.

39
00:01:41,133 --> 00:01:42,800
[reading to themselves]

40
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,100
[both gasp]

41
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,100
Dear God.

42
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,100
The inspirational banner

43
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:48,067
has been defaced
by GESH, Chris.

44
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,533
I've never seen a worse
atrocity, Dan,

45
00:01:50,533 --> 00:01:52,433
and let me remind you
I was in that movie

46
00:01:52,433 --> 00:01:55,333
where Whoopi Goldberg
coached the Knicks.

47
00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:57,100
Hey, Chris,
we've sure provided

48
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,800
a lot of background
information, haven't we?

49
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,233
We sure have, Dan.

50
00:02:00,233 --> 00:02:02,633
The odd thing is, my mic
isn't even plugged in.

51
00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:04,100
That's nothing, Chris.

52
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,400
I've been talking into my fist
for the last five minutes.

53
00:02:07,733 --> 00:02:09,267
Ghandi is pissed, yo.

54
00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:11,733
I worked my beige ass off
on that banner.

55
00:02:11,733 --> 00:02:13,667
I'm going to get those
GESH freaks back,

56
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,067
because if Mahatma Ghandi
stands for anything,

57
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,733
it's revenge!

58
00:02:17,733 --> 00:02:20,533
[intense scream]

59
00:02:20,533 --> 00:02:22,300
Ghandi's scream
was right.

60
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:23,667
The stakes were here.

61
00:02:23,667 --> 00:02:25,967
But now they're here.

62
00:02:25,967 --> 00:02:28,433
Those GESH hoodlums
are going to feel the wrath

63
00:02:28,433 --> 00:02:31,967
of 104 pounds of
all-beef captain.

64
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:36,400
And the wrath of 105 pounds
of grade-A girl meat.

65
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,433
I'm playing on the team
this year, captain.

66
00:02:38,433 --> 00:02:39,700
[laughs]

67
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:40,800
Oh, Joan.

68
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,233
You know the rules.

69
00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:45,200
No girls or animals
can play on the boys' teams.

70
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,333
But I beat you
every time we play.

71
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,067
You were keeping score?

72
00:02:49,067 --> 00:02:50,200
Ugh!

73
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,967
Joan, wait.

74
00:02:52,967 --> 00:02:55,133
Maybe you should try on
my letterman's jacket.

75
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,133
You mean--

76
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,567
That's right, Joan.

77
00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,867
I'm giving it to Cleo
at the homecoming prom,

78
00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,833
and I want to see
how it fits a girl.

79
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,400
What makes you think
Cleo wants your jacket?

80
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,833
You had one date with her,
and she went home with JFK!

81
00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:09,067
Her house is more
on his way home.

82
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:11,867
[grunts]

83
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:17,467
[crashing, grinding]

84
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,067
I may be blind,

85
00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:24,300
but I can still hear someone

86
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,900
not following through
on her jump shot.

87
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,633
What's troubling you, Joan?

88
00:03:27,633 --> 00:03:30,967
Oh, Toots, I know I could help
the boys' basketball team,

89
00:03:30,967 --> 00:03:34,367
but the rules don't allow
girls or animals.

90
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:35,600
[grunts]

91
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,600
Joanie, you may find this
hard to believe,

92
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,567
but there was a time
before racism was eradicated

93
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:46,233
when they wouldn't let black
folks play organized sports.

94
00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:49,200
So racism kept you
from playing pro basketball?

95
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,800
Yes, Joan.
Yes, it did.

96
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,200
Over here.

97
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,967
Yes, Joan.
Yes, it did.

98
00:03:57,967 --> 00:04:01,200
As usual, your words have
inspired me, Toots.

99
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,900
I know just what I'm gonna do.

100
00:04:05,933 --> 00:04:08,833
Ha! Still got it.

101
00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:10,633
Ooh!

102
00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,267
(Principal Scudworth)
Colonel Principal,

103
00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:14,833
my counterpart at GESH.

104
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,700
We meet again.

105
00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:18,500
I say, Scudworth,

106
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:22,633
I reckon it's time
for our annual wager.

107
00:04:22,633 --> 00:04:25,133
[slurps]
That's good julep.

108
00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:26,733
Now, I'm a sportin' man,

109
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,067
so this year,
I'm willing to bet

110
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,500
that your puny clones
can't even score

111
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,733
a single point off of my boys.

112
00:04:33,733 --> 00:04:38,067
What? My clones will wipe
the floor with your mutants.

113
00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:40,067
In this instance,
"wipe the floor"

114
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,367
means "score a point on."

115
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:44,133
What would you
care to wager?

116
00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:45,733
Last year,
if you recall,

117
00:04:45,733 --> 00:04:47,867
I won your
first-born child.

118
00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:50,567
You leave Brian out of it.

119
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:54,400
No, let's up the ante.

120
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:59,167
Loser does
the winner's laundry...

121
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,367
for a week!

122
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:01,900
[gasps]

123
00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:05,567
All right, Scudworth.
You've got yourself a deal.

124
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:08,633
By the way, how is Brian?

125
00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:12,800
Delicious!

126
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,867
[intense music]

127
00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:16,167
Knock, knock.

128
00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:17,633
(all)
Who's there?

129
00:05:17,633 --> 00:05:18,633
GESH.

130
00:05:18,633 --> 00:05:20,067
(all)
GESH who?

131
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:22,833
GESH who's going
to beat Clone High!

132
00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:24,367
(all)
GESH! GESH! GESH!

133
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:26,267
Ha! Ha! Ha!

134
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:30,067
(Colonel Principal)
And let's hear it for our
minister of comedy,

135
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,600
Detlef Schrempf.

136
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,467
And, finally,
a man who needs no introduction,

137
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:40,200
our mascot, Geshie!

138
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,900
[warbling]

139
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,900
[all warbling]

140
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,833
GESH seems invincibly
prank-proof,

141
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:52,300
even that spirit guy.

142
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,400
That's it, Ghengis!

143
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,067
The spirit guy!

144
00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:57,833
We'll steal his mascot costume
and do something to it.

145
00:05:57,833 --> 00:05:59,433
But what?

146
00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:03,833
We'll poop in it!

147
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:06,500
(Abe)
Hey, Cleo.

148
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,700
I'm dedicating
this next shot to you.

149
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,100
[glass shatters]

150
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,800
[cat meows]
[car horn honks]

151
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,367
[train whistle blows]

152
00:06:14,367 --> 00:06:15,933
[glass shatters]

153
00:06:15,933 --> 00:06:16,933
[phone rings]

154
00:06:16,933 --> 00:06:18,167
[bells clang]

155
00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:19,667
[porpoise chirps]

156
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:20,667
Dinger.

157
00:06:22,233 --> 00:06:26,767
[dramatic music]

158
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,067
[grunts]

159
00:06:29,267 --> 00:06:30,700
Who are you?

160
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:35,200
My name is John Dark.

161
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,633
As in Joan D'Arc,
the French name for Joan of Arc?

162
00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:38,700
No.

163
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:43,067
Nothing like that at all.

164
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:45,100
[intense rock music]

165
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:47,200
[phone rings]

166
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,367
[whistle blowing]
- [grunting]

167
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,600
As your new coach,

168
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,533
our goal is simple:

169
00:06:56,533 --> 00:06:59,867
to score a point.

170
00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:01,767
To assure said point,

171
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,433
we've acquired the Harlem
Globetrotters' playbook

172
00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:07,067
off the interweb.

173
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:10,833
So, John, how come
I've never seen you before?

174
00:07:10,833 --> 00:07:12,067
Yeah.

175
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:15,700
And who was
the original John Dark, hmm?

176
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:19,867
Uh, he was this explorer.

177
00:07:19,867 --> 00:07:24,433
Yeah, an explorer, and, uh...

178
00:07:24,433 --> 00:07:27,767
And then he saw
the Statue of Liberty

179
00:07:27,767 --> 00:07:31,333
and realized
he'd been on Earth all along.

180
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,767
Wow, what a turn-on.

181
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,833
I can't believe
we haven't studied that yet.

182
00:07:35,833 --> 00:07:39,600
My Kennedy sense
is detecting some fresh tail.

183
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,067
Hey, er, uh, missie.

184
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:45,533
How about you and me
play a little one-on-one?

185
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:46,800
[laughs]

186
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,067
Ahh!

187
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:51,333
I'll, uh, be, uh,
leaving awkwardly now.

188
00:07:53,867 --> 00:07:54,867
[horn honks]

189
00:07:54,867 --> 00:07:55,967
[tires screech]

190
00:07:55,967 --> 00:07:57,500
Uh, hey, pal,

191
00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,867
you wanna buy some speakers?

192
00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:02,900
See, we got
an extra shipment in,

193
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:03,967
and and if I could just--

194
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:04,967
- [grunts]
- [squeaks]

195
00:08:04,967 --> 00:08:06,767
Drive, Ghengis, drive!

196
00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:09,100
[tires squeal]

197
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:11,500
Okay, homes,
lose the costume.

198
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:12,767
[frightened mumbling]

199
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,667
I said take it off,
you foreigner!

200
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,233
[frightened mumbling]

201
00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,800
Well, I guess we're going
to have to take it off by force.

202
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,267
Ghengis, get back here.

203
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,633
- [grunting]
- [hysterical screaming]

204
00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:24,333
This thing won't budge.

205
00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:25,767
All right, here,
let me try the zipper.

206
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:27,167
[zipping]

207
00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:29,067
Oh, my god!
This isn't a kid in a costume!

208
00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:30,433
It's a living thing!

209
00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:32,667
[both screaming]

210
00:08:32,667 --> 00:08:36,067
Oh, my god! He was genetically
engineered with a zipper!

211
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:38,067
[both screaming]

212
00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:41,533
Oh, my god!
Who's driving the van?

213
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:43,067
[both screaming]

214
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,900
Man, this locker room
full of naked boys

215
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,767
is a lot like every other
locker room I've ever been in.

216
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:54,100
That's for sure.

217
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,700
[laughs, snorts]

218
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,133
[gasps]

219
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,733
So, Abe,
nice playing out there.

220
00:09:03,733 --> 00:09:07,667
Nice? Well, thanks to all your
hot-dogging and point-scoring,

221
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:09,300
Cleo hardly noticed me.

222
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:13,133
Forget Cleo.
She's a skanky ho.

223
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:15,567
Why, you'd be better off
with someone like

224
00:09:15,567 --> 00:09:17,200
Joan of Arc.

225
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,667
Are you serious, John Dark?

226
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:21,100
Joan of Arc?

227
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:26,133
Sure, that Joan of Arc
is one tasty piece of bitch.

228
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,867
Well, she's smart,
loyal, pretty,

229
00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:30,567
and I delight
in her caustic wit,

230
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,133
but...

231
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:33,400
But nothing.

232
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,833
You should date the crap
out of her.

233
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:38,400
Wow, me and Joan.

234
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,500
Somehow that doesn't sound
so crazy--

235
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,333
hey, I know what you're doing.

236
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:46,067
I see right through
that mustache, John.

237
00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:48,600
Or should I say

238
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,067
the guy who's trying
to get me interested in Joan

239
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,067
so he can have
Cleo for himself?

240
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,067
No!

241
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,067
I don't want Cleo.
I want you!

242
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,733
To date Joan.

243
00:09:57,733 --> 00:10:00,533
Well, nice try, John Dark,
but forget it.

244
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,100
Cleo's my girl.

245
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,900
Hey, that's no way
to treat a member of the team,

246
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:08,867
especially one whose skin
is so silky smooth.

247
00:10:08,867 --> 00:10:10,000
And by that, I mean someone

248
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,100
who's as smooth on the court

249
00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:14,800
as, uh, his skin is silky.

250
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,800
I mean, thighs are milky!

251
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,067
I have to go!

252
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:22,000
Er, eh, gay foster dads?

253
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,300
Do you mind if I watch
Will and Grace with you guys?

254
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,033
But you usually watch
Sportscenter

255
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:28,467
up in your room, baby.

256
00:10:28,467 --> 00:10:31,800
Well, I've been thinking
about switching channels.

257
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,833
But I'm a little scared.

258
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:37,867
Well, gettin' into a new show
can be a little uncomfortable.

259
00:10:37,867 --> 00:10:40,533
But once you get to know
the rhythm of it,

260
00:10:40,533 --> 00:10:42,267
you'll be on your knees
beggin' for more.

261
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:45,733
You two girls keep it down.
It's back on.

262
00:10:45,733 --> 00:10:47,733
(man on television)
Has anyone seen my zucchini?

263
00:10:47,733 --> 00:10:49,867
I'm looking at you,
Will and Grace.

264
00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:52,833
[laughs]

265
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:57,367
(Cleo)
So John Dark-and-handsome.

266
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:59,567
When are you picking me up
for the homecoming prom?

267
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,967
Uh, didn't Abe ask you?

268
00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:04,633
Sure, but he's not half
the athlete you are.

269
00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:06,233
Or man.

270
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:08,767
[gobbling]

271
00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:12,067
Mmm, milk.

272
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,900
Thanks, but I'm just
not attracted to you

273
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,400
in that way.

274
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,767
I'm sorry.
I'm not following.

275
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,900
I'm rejecting you.

276
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,400
Rejecting me?

277
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,767
[laughs]

278
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:29,200
There's something fishy
about that John Dark.

279
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,200
[squeaking]

280
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,900
What the hell
am I going to do with you?

281
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:35,667
You want some candy?

282
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:38,200
Candy! Candy!

283
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,367
- [kissing]
- [laughs]

284
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:45,600
Hey, you're not so bad
after all.

285
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,500
Geshie, friend!

286
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,067
- [giggles]
- [laughs]

287
00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,133
Yeah!

288
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:54,133
[playful upbeat music]

289
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:59,200
*

290
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,833
[bicycle bell ringing]

291
00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:05,067
*

292
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,133
[grunting]

293
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:12,300
[excessive grunting]

294
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:17,767
To distract us from
the homoerotic nature

295
00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:19,733
of this men's-only weight room,

296
00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:23,800
it is now time for the sexual
conquest discussion to begin.

297
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,333
John Dark, please, uh,
start us off.

298
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:28,867
I would never kiss and tell.

299
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:30,533
Intruder! Intruder!

300
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:33,300
Kidding!
I'm kidding, of course.

301
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:34,633
Let's see.

302
00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:38,300
Once I met this, um, girl.

303
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,633
(all)
Yeah? Yeah?

304
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:42,267
And we kissed.

305
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:43,833
(all)
Yeah? Yeah?

306
00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:47,100
And then we held each other
until the sun came up.

307
00:12:48,833 --> 00:12:49,867
And then I nailed her.

308
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,467
- Jackpot!
- Yeah!

309
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:54,367
Was that girl
someone else's girlfriend, Dark?

310
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,433
Because you seem to be
into that.

311
00:12:56,433 --> 00:12:58,067
(all)
Ooh!

312
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:00,633
You certainly don't have
the moral fiber it takes

313
00:13:00,633 --> 00:13:02,967
to be captain, like me.

314
00:13:02,967 --> 00:13:06,767
Lincoln! You're out as captain,
and John Dark's in.

315
00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:10,500
I shall now remove
your embroidered C.

316
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:11,567
[tearing]

317
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,500
Why the long face?

318
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,700
Genetics?

319
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,167
[hearty laugh]

320
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,367
I never wanted you
to get hurt, Abe.

321
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,600
It's a little late for that.

322
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,100
You may have
my captain's C,

323
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,433
but you'll never get
my other C.

324
00:13:30,433 --> 00:13:31,633
Cleo!

325
00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:34,367
Your Cleo asked me
to the dance!

326
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:36,367
You lie, Dark!

327
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,767
[screaming]

328
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:42,867
I'm not talking to you anymore.

329
00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:44,967
There's no one
I can trust!

330
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:47,267
Even Joan hasn't
been around recently,

331
00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:49,700
for some
unsuspicious reason.

332
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,600
Damn it, I'm the tallest!

333
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,133
[sighs]
Perfect.

334
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,067
Hey, uh, new captain.

335
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:58,067
Just wanted to say that you
should pass me the ball more.

336
00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:01,433
Because I'm always open.

337
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,600
[whispers loudly]
For anything.

338
00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,067
[splashing]

339
00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:15,467
Penny for your thoughts.

340
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:17,400
Oh, Mr. Butlertron,

341
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,567
I wanted--
I mean, my friend wanted

342
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:23,400
to show that girls
can do anything boys can,

343
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,733
but in the process,

344
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:28,200
she ended up hurting
the one boy she loves most.

345
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,933
"Your friend"
should listen to her heart.

346
00:14:30,933 --> 00:14:32,700
I'm not programmed to wink,

347
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,133
but if I were programmed
to wink,

348
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:37,367
I would have winked
when I said, "Your friend."

349
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,400
Oh, Mr. B,
I just don't want to hurt Abe.

350
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,200
What would the real
Joan of Arc have done?

351
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,067
She would have
listened to her heart.

352
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:47,500
And then she would have
gotten burned at the stake,

353
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,567
but, you know, what are the odds
of that gonna happen again?

354
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:50,567
[laughs nervously]

355
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:53,300
38%.

356
00:14:54,433 --> 00:14:56,300
Geshie, there was a time

357
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:59,500
when I wanted to rip
your head off and poop into you.

358
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,800
Geshie love Ghandi.

359
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,767
And Ghandi love Geshie.

360
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:05,700
That's why
I have to set you free.

361
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:07,800
[mumbles sadly]

362
00:15:10,067 --> 00:15:13,100
[excited warbling]

363
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,933
Candy!

364
00:15:16,933 --> 00:15:17,900
[squirrel squeaking]

365
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,167
Candy!

366
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:24,333
[birds chirping]

367
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:28,233
[giggles]
Candy!

368
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:30,600
[excited warbling]

369
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,867
- [porpoise chirping]
- [chomping]

370
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:33,100
[saw shearing]

371
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,667
[whistles]

372
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:40,167
Well, we're now exactly
one minute into the contest,

373
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:41,600
and it's starting
to look like GESH

374
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,333
may have
the advantage tonight.

375
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,833
And new captain
John "Dancing in the" Dark

376
00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,333
hasn't taken a shot yet.

377
00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:50,067
He keeps passing
to that gangly buffoon,

378
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,100
Abe Lincoln.

379
00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:53,800
[glass shatters]

380
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,533
Now, these are just
my bustles and kerchiefs.

381
00:15:57,533 --> 00:16:01,900
The rest of my delicates are
festering in my PT Cruiser.

382
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:06,067
(Ghandi)
With Geshie gone,
my heart's just not in it.

383
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:07,567
I sure hope he's okay.

384
00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:13,200
What a shellacking!

385
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,367
Taft, Napoleon,
here's the stilts

386
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,967
and the obscenely long
trench coat.

387
00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:18,533
You know what to do.

388
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:20,633
Looks like a new player's
checking in to the game.

389
00:16:20,633 --> 00:16:23,700
(Dan Patrick)
I don't think that's a
regulation trench coat, Chris.

390
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:26,267
And I've never seen
an 8'6" player

391
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,900
with such tiny,
wooden feet.

392
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,500
[grunting]

393
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,800
Pass it to
the tall kid!

394
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,200
[growling]

395
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:41,300
Geshie!

396
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,933
Ghandi!

397
00:16:42,933 --> 00:16:45,933
Geshie!

398
00:16:45,933 --> 00:16:48,567
Ghandi!

399
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,833
- [chomping]
- [whistle blows]

400
00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:54,367
Aww.

401
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:57,100
(Dan Patrick)
Oh! Technical foul on
GESH for biting.

402
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,367
That's two shots
for Clone High.

403
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:02,267
Abe, we're all
counting on you...

404
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,367
to give the ball
to Dark!

405
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:06,833
He's shooting
the free throws!

406
00:17:06,833 --> 00:17:09,667
Oh, did you think that
I meant that you--

407
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:10,867
no!

408
00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:12,767
Let Abe shoot.

409
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:14,067
He can make it.

410
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:16,067
Forget it, John.
I suck.

411
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,067
You should shoot.

412
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,767
Yes, listen to
the sucky kid.

413
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:22,067
No. I can't do this.

414
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:24,833
You see, the rules don't allow

415
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:27,133
girls or animals
to play basketball.

416
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,967
But I wanted to prove
that a girl can play

417
00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:30,800
just as good as any guy.

418
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,067
That's why I donned
this clever disguise.

419
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:37,167
You see, I'm not John Dark.

420
00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:39,233
I'm Joan of Arc!

421
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:43,200
[gasping]

422
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,833
Oh, so the, uh, fellow was
a broad from the get-go.

423
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,067
Good bye, Will and Grace.

424
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:51,167
Hello, Dharma and Greg!

425
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:54,267
Ugh, I almost
did it with Joan?

426
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:58,067
Uh, hot.

427
00:17:58,067 --> 00:17:59,900
Joan, how could you
lie to me?

428
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,333
Abe, try to understand. I--

429
00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:04,600
Oh, I understand
you sold us all a bill of goods,

430
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,500
and those goods
turned out to be bad.

431
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:07,933
Then you sold me
up the river.

432
00:18:07,933 --> 00:18:10,367
That may be,
but I sent you up that river

433
00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:12,233
with my heart as a paddle.

434
00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:15,700
But you took that paddle
and smacked me in the face.

435
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,933
And I wear my heart
on my sleeve,

436
00:18:17,933 --> 00:18:21,433
so when I wiped my face,
I got heart all over it.

437
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,733
Ge--wait, what are
we talking about?

438
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:24,800
I don't know, Joan!

439
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,567
But I do know this.

440
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:28,733
You have to shoot
those free throws.

441
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,100
No chance, skeezix.

442
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,333
You know the rules.

443
00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:32,967
Henry the VIII,
you're in.

444
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:33,967
[porpoise chirping]

445
00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:35,067
[crowd gasps]

446
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,333
Damn it!

447
00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:40,533
Would everyone in a
fake mustache please leave?

448
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,633
Okay, Lincoln,
I trust your sideburns are real.

449
00:18:47,633 --> 00:18:49,433
Do this for me.

450
00:18:49,433 --> 00:18:51,500
Shoot the damn ball!

451
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:52,600
No!

452
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,633
I admit it;
I laughed at Joan

453
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,367
when she wanted
to be on the team.

454
00:18:56,367 --> 00:18:58,867
To think of it,
a girl playing basketball?

455
00:18:58,867 --> 00:18:59,867
[snickers]

456
00:18:59,867 --> 00:19:05,067
[laughter]

457
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,667
I know.
Pretty weird, huh?

458
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:11,900
But it turns out Joan
is the best player on the team.

459
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,967
I say let her shoot!

460
00:19:14,967 --> 00:19:19,400
(crowd)
Let her shoot! Let her shoot!
Let her shoot!

461
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,700
Oh, hell, I wrote the rule.
I'll just erase it.

462
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,367
Ball is yours, girlie!

463
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:25,433
Thanks, Abe.

464
00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:27,800
Score that point,
John Dark.

465
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,067
Score it
like the wind.

466
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:32,300
[dramatic music]

467
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,367
[cameras popping]

468
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:42,100
*

469
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:43,100
[grunts]

470
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,600
*

471
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,233
[gasping]

472
00:19:47,233 --> 00:19:52,067
*

473
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:53,833
[crowd murmurs]

474
00:19:53,833 --> 00:19:57,967
Girl ball!
Girl ball!

475
00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:01,067
[grunts]

476
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,133
[ecstatic cheering]

477
00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:08,733
I wore these bad boys
at Burning Man...

478
00:20:08,733 --> 00:20:11,533
seven years in a row!

479
00:20:11,533 --> 00:20:14,033
Let's hear it
for our hero!

480
00:20:14,033 --> 00:20:15,500
I'm no hero.

481
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,767
I'm just a girl
who loves basketball.

482
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:20,933
Not you, Abe.

483
00:20:20,933 --> 00:20:25,133
If Abe hadn't made that speech,
you never would have scored.

484
00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:27,333
(crowd)
Abe! Abe! Abe! Abe!

485
00:20:27,333 --> 00:20:30,700
Oh, Abe,
you're my hero.

486
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:33,033
(crowd)
Abe! Abe! Abe! Abe!

487
00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:34,533
And that concludes
our broadcast

488
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,367
of the Clone High
homecoming game.

489
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:38,700
Now stay tuned for the
Mills Elementary School

490
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,167
dodge ball championships.

491
00:20:42,967 --> 00:20:44,600
(Geshie)
Candy!

492
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,067
(male announcer)
Next week on a very special
Clone High,

493
00:20:48,067 --> 00:20:50,967
will Abe and Cleo
share their first kiss

494
00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,767
besides the one
they had on the first episode?

495
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:57,200
And will special guest star
Ashley Angel from O-Town

496
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,533
make me scream?

497
00:20:58,533 --> 00:21:01,367
Oh, my God!
I love you, Ashley!

498
00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:04,100
Yes, yes, he will.

499
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:06,333
(Abandoned Pools singing)
* Way, way back in the 1980s

500
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:09,333
* Secret government employees

501
00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:12,233
* Dug up famous
guys and ladies *

502
00:21:12,233 --> 00:21:15,100
* And made amusing
genetic copies *

503
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:18,067
* Now the clones
are sexy teens now *

504
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,867
* They're going to make it
if they try *

505
00:21:20,867 --> 00:21:23,733
* Loving, learning,
sharing, judging *

506
00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:30,100
* Time to laugh
and shiver and cry *

507
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,533
* Clone High