(male narrator) Previously, on a very special Clone High:
Tempers flared,
robotic butlers cared,
saliva was shared,
and you, the audience, were moved very, very deeply.
**
[whispering] Trust me.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High
*
All students are special at Clone High,
but only some students are ostracized
because they're special.
That is why it is my great pleasure,
as president of the student body,
to officially dedicate this impassable moat,
protecting us from the special ed. classroom.
[applause]
Surprised Cleopatra didn't fill the moat with acid.
Actually, Cleo says it would kill the piranhas.
Joan of Arc, don't think about the moat
in terms of its divisive ignorance,
think of it as an opportunity for building community.
Hey, community!
Skinny-dipping in the piranha moat!
Yow!
Everybody get naked!
Whoo! [splash]
Finally,
I won't be running for re-election this year.
[voice breaking] This is probably the last time
I'll ever use these oversized novelty scissors.
Unless a giant needs a haircut.
Oh, God.
I've got to go console her.
Abe Lincoln, don't.
She's just trying to get attention
and you're falling for it.
Ugh, it makes me so mad I could kiss you.
What was that last part?
I'm sorry, what?
[stammering] No, I said I could piss glue.
As in,
"Oh, I'm so angry I could piss glue."
I've never heard of that.
Well, it's a very common expression.
Huh.
Well, see ya.
[exhales]
Stupid, Joan.
Real stupid.
[piranhas chomping]
[plop]
[sobbing] Oh, JFK.
I can't bear to talk about it.
Thank God, because I hate it when--
It all started freshman year.
I was elected president.
But now...
[sobbing] Oh, JFK.
There, there.
It's term limits, Jack.
Dirty, dirty term limits.
[cheery] My only hope is if someone,
and I have no idea who,
could run for president, win,
abolish term limits, resign,
and endorse me as his replacement.
But who?
Who?
Huh?
Oh, thank you, JFK.
Thank you for your courage.
Can we make out now?
Totally.
[moaning]
Hey, Cleo.
[Cleopatra and JFK making out]
Oh.
(Principal Scudworth) Your secret army of clone historical figures
is maturing according to schedule.
I'm sorry, Scudworth, is that a scale model
behind you labeled "Dr. Scudworth's Evil Plan"?
Say!
Where'd you get those fresh Pumas, bro?
Actually, we're sponsored by Puma.
These bad boys are catalogue only.
If you're implying that I intend
to steal the clones away from you
and use them in an expensive clone theme amusement park,
then shame on you.
By the by, could I have $2 million?
[laughs] You know...
for dry-erase markers and such.
They've got some keen new colors.
There's kiwi and...
mango.
For giggles, I'm going to keep saying "no"
until you turn the TV off.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no--
[electronic whirring]
[sighs]
Perhaps you could get
Clone High a corporate sponsor.
Those Pumas were rather fresh.
Sell out?
And turn the school into an ad
for some profit-hungry corporation?
Why, that idea's as foolish
as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas.
(Joan) I can't believe JFK is running unopposed.
I mean, you'd think with a school full of world leaders
someone would be into student government.
Well, I'm a genetic duplicate of Abe Lincoln
and I'm not fit to be president.
If I only knew what fears
and insecurities were holding me back.
[slurping]
Abe, you should run.
I'll manage your campaign.
Together, we'll fight for things that really matter,
like new bishops for the chess club.
So what you're saying is,
if I run for president, I can get Cleo to like me.
That's why she likes JFK,
because he's a natural leader.
Great idea, Joan.
[yells]
[crash]
Clumsy, Joan.
Really clumsy.
(Scudworth) So...
your product is called--
X-Stream Blu!
It's a power snack!
Stick it in your face hole!
This is something you eat?
[whispering] It's really just pancake batter
mixed with blue house paint in a sports bottle.
Sick! Tight!
Cyber awesome!
I see.
Now, for allowing you to test market
this X-Stream Blu on my students,
I am willing to be paid $2 million.
Allow me to confer with my associates.
[screams]
- To the max! - Literally!
I have low self-esteem!
We accept your offer.
[gasps] Dead presidents, Mr. B.
[squeaks]
(JFK) Ask not what your student body president
can do for you,
ask what you can do
to your student body president's body.
[cheering]
Okay, there's nothing to worry about.
He's just making empty promises
and detailing his workout routine.
And on Fridays, I do abs and legs,
but not calves.
As you recall,
I do those with my lats on Wednesdays!
[cheering]
Thank you!
Good luck.
[audience cheering]
[Cleopatra and JFK making out]
My name is Abraham Lincoln
and I'm running for student body president.
(woman screaming) I love you, JFK!
We've got a lot of tough issues facing us right now,
such as adding a second section of AP calculus
for those who have a conflict between that class
and AP physics.
[clapping]
But first and foremost,
we must get tinted windows for the albino wing.
[clapping]
Whoo!
Okay, you're done.
Young men and women, please give it up for
the X-Stream Blu mega crew!
[rock music]
[audience cheering]
Hey, everyone!
I'm Tyler, that's Paco,
and we want you to get up out of your seats
and clap your hands to the beat.
[clapping]
(Tyler) 'Cause we're gonna tell you about X-Stream Blu,
a new max wicked food product
that lives where extreme meets blue.
It comes in a totally sick wide-mouth squeeze bottle!
[squish]
[plop]
Email!
That looks so good!
What's in it?
Great question!
Have a t-shirt.
[boom]
That totally answers my question!
Man, the audience was not having that.
Huh, guys?
Um, Abe?
Just give me a few more minutes of denial.
[banging]
Abe, Abe,
your speech wasn't that bad.
Okay, maybe the encore wasn't the best idea,
but the speech itself--
Whoo!
What stinks in here, man?
Oh yeah, it's your campaign.
You died out there.
I mean, that assembly was like this, boom, this!
You're the boom.
[thud]
No matter how hard I try
to live up to the real Abe Lincoln,
I always fail.
Hey, don't worry, man.
Your problems are answered.
See, I met these really cool guys after the assembly
that will so get you.
Guys, come on in here, man!
[screams]
X-Stream Blu in the hizz-ouse!
Flip an ollie and turn it up!
Lincoln and X-Stream Blu
will literally crunch the googly to the max!
(all) Hot sauce!
See, they want to sponsor your campaign.
And all you gotta do is abandon your values
and promote their product
by doing some dangerous, extreme sports-related stunts.
Just sign this legit-ass contract!
And totally initial article seven.
My son won't even look me in the eye anymore!
Wait, what about the issues, Abe?
What about the carpet in the library?
[mocking] Ooh, Abe's big choice.
Ooh, I wonder what it'll be.
I'm so worried, ooh.
[TV clicks on]
[wind blowing]
[all laughing]
*
I'll never make it.
[laser zaps]
Maybe I can help, slice dog!
Blushie!
But I'm no match for that gang of snow sharks.
Don't worry, bro!
Blushie gonna stream it hardcore!
[squishes]
No way!
Hop on, extreme sports youth!
[yells]
[water crashes]
[exploding]
[women laughing]
Hey!
Let's go surf the Internet!
What should we do with all this X-Stream Blu?
(Abraham and Blushie) Spray it in your face
and slam it!
[TV clicks off]
You think it's too much?
[inhales]
(Gandhi) Abe, I just polled everyone
in the girls' bathroom.
You're ahead!
I knew the poll-- did you say I was winning?
Straight up, man.
Numbers don't lie.
I'm the number five.
Cleo, why are you crying?
[sobbing] I just don't think
things are going to work out with JFK.
[sighs]
[whispering] Wah-hoo.
I am so sorry.
I need someone to comfort me.
Someone who's leading the polls
and is named Abe.
Wait, you're named Abe.
Aren't you, Abe?
To the max, Cleo.
To the max.
That's it.
All of the pictures I have of him over my bed are coming down.
Except for that one where he's under the tree
with his shirt off.
[moans]
We're rich, Mr. B!
Bling, bling.
But shouldn't you be saving some of this money
for your secret plan instead of having me gold plated
and lowered?
Don't get all up in my business,
my hydraulically outfitted friend.
Why, I watched the first 2/3
of the MC Hammer Behind the Music.
And if there's one thing I've learned about money,
it's that it never runs out.
(JFK) Hey, gay foster dads.
How do I get everyone to like me?
Baby, a lot of people liked the original JFK
because he was such a caring leader
and he inspired a generation of young people.
I thought he was a macho womanizing stud
who conquered the moon.
[knocking on door]
Hark, that sounds like the gentle knock
of a vulnerable teenage girl.
[door creaks]
*
You're wet.
Allow me to dry you off...
with my pants!
I want to manage your campaign.
Hey, whatever you're into.
Dads, I'm gonna be busy
nailing this kinky broad for the next 15 minutes.
Would you shut up?
I'm here because I can't stand Abe being Cleo's puppet
and you can't win the election without my help.
Here's what we're gonna do...
[inaudible whispering]
And then...
[inaudible whispering]
Well how about...
[inaudible whispering]
Dental dam...
[inaudible whispering]
[smack] Bobby!
Okay, no dental dam.
Folks, for my next totally outrageous campaign stunt,
I will ride this wind surfboard,
which is connected by a bungee cord
to this monster truck,
which my friend Gandhi will drive back and forth
on this half-pipe,
just like the real Abe Lincoln would've done,
had he the tools to do so.
[engine revs]
[engine roars]
[metal clangs]
[cheering]
Hey everybody,
something is on the closed-circuit TV.
[cheering]
(announcer) Abraham Lincoln.
Honest Abe.
Or so he'd have you believe.
Last year, Abe said he was 15 years old.
Now he claims to be 16.
Which is it, Abe?
Better keep your story straight.
[baby cries]
He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater.
But he's never gone on record saying he isn't.
Maybe he's too busy eating babies.
I can't wait to eat this--
[tape whines]
baby.
[all gasp]
[gags]
[slurping]
(announcer) When is it gonna stop, Abe?
Not voting for Abe:
it just makes sense.
How did JFK get my spaghetti video?
[dramatic music]
[whooshing]
Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe.
[squish]
At least it can't get any worse.
How many times have I told you not to say that?
Now something worse is gonna happen,
I've seen it on Happy Days, watch:
In three,
two,
one.
Abe.
I'm really confused about my feelings right now.
I think I just...
need some time to be alone...
*
with JFK.
Wait.
At least it can't get any better.
It doesn't work that way, Gandhi.
[fluttering]
(female singer) * The heart in my mind has been hoping *
*
* And the mind in my heart has been wishing *
*
Abe?
What are you doing here?
I come out here to think sometimes.
Me too.
Well, right now all I can think about
is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock
thinking about what you did.
I was only trying to help, Abe.
You don't know what you're getting into.
What she's getting you into.
You don't know what you're getting into.
And that's out of my friendship.
And you know what hurts the most, Joan?
This nail I just stepped on.
[ding]
But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot
that hurts the second most,
and it's from you backstabbing me.
So, maybe instead of the nail metaphor,
I should've used a stabbing metaphor,
but it's too late for that now, isn't it?
I guess it is.
That's where you're wrong, Joan.
Because I'm gonna win that election
with the most dangerous campaign stunt
since Dukakis jumped the Snake River Canyon.
Goodbye, Joan.
[splash]
Goodbye, Joan.
*
[intense music]
(all) Hut, hut, hut, hut--
Hello, Clone High!
X-Stream Blu presents:
the X-Stream Blu high school presidential debate,
with celebrity panelists Marilyn Manson,
Mena Suvari, and introducing
Murray T. Wayans.
[blows raspberry]
And now, he risks his ass to thrill his class:
Abe Lincoln.
[door crashes]
[roars]
[boom]
[cheering]
[thud]
[audience cheering]
Woo-hoo!
And on this podium, captain of the football team
and el capitán of the fútbol team,
JFK.
Woo-hoo!
I can't see
due to the glare from Mena Suvari's enormous forehead.
[whirring]
(Manson) Next question is for JFK.
How do you respond to the criticism that,
unlike Abe and myself,
you won't put yourself at risk of physical harm
in order to gain approval?
That is a good question, scary androgynous white guy.
And I would like to reply by taking my shirt off.
[girls screaming]
My bare-chested opponent raises a good point,
but he's avoiding the fact that X-Stream Blu
is mad-packed with all nine essential nutri-mites
to fortify your X-Zone.
(JFK) May I respond to that?
Yes, you may.
Abe's a tot-muncher.
Oh, yeah?
For my rebuttal, I'd like to dramatically gesture
to this giant death-defying skateboard ramp behind me.
[metal whirring]
[fire whooshing]
[thud]
[alligators crunching]
[dolphin chatters]
I intend to ride said ramp.
Gandhi.
[groans]
You may now attach the skateboard...
to my head.
[metal whirring]
[alligators crunching]
[dolphin chatters]
[all gasp]
[intense music]
Abe, it all comes down to...
[slow motion] this.
[all gasp]
[slow motion] Gan...
[slow motion] dhi!
[thud]
[gurgle]
[squish]
[audience gasps]
Marilyn Manson?
Yes.
It is my professional opinion as a rock star
and a licensed doctor,
that this student is suffering from
malnutrition.
Mena, I'm going to need one milligram
of sub-q glucagon, stat.
How can this be?
*
What have I done?
Fellow students, X-Stream Blu is a sham.
For four days straight,
Gandhi ate nothing but pancake batter
and blue house paint.
A shallow ploy by Racist Mammy Breakfast Foods
to jazz up an old product with extreme marketing,
the same marketing scheme I used to win your votes.
Well, I don't deserve your votes.
I suck.
[audience booing]
[rock music]
[exclaims]
There goes our ghetto fabulous lifestyle.
Bling, bling.
Wait, everyone.
You should vote for Abe,
because a real leader does what Abe just did,
and what he always does.
He stands up for the right thing
even if it makes him look like a jackass.
That's the kind of jackass I want in my corner.
[audience applauding]
That's the highest score yet on the applause-o-meter,
the official voting system of Clone High.
Looks like Lincoln is your new president.
You're gonna make a great-ass president.
Thanks, Joan,
for showing me how to be a real-ass leader.
(man) Hey, check out that stray puppy.
Oh, my God, he is so cute.
(man) And it's licking that dead Smurf's face.
(all) Aww.
[crash]
Fine, whatever.
This random dog is your new president.
Hey, new president.
That's a cute collar.
[slurping]
Well, we sure learned a lot today.
I'll say.
But there's just one thing I don't understand, Dr. Manson.
How does a growing boy like me eat a healthy, balanced diet?
Well, Gandhi, I'll tell you
the only way I know how.
* The ancient pharaohs were not too bright, they say *
* But they made one contribution *
* That I live by to this day
* It's the food pyramid *
* And it's approved by the USDA *
[upbeat music]
*
* Whole grains are the foundation *
* So please take my advice
* Have 5 to 11 servings of bread, cereal, or rice *
* 3 to 5 of vegetables
* And four of fruits is best
* Their antioxidants and fiber help you to digest *
* Three servings of yogurt, milk, and cheese *
* Will help your bones
* And subsidize the cattle industries *
**
* A body needs to grow
* And growing takes proteins
* That's why meat can be a tasty treat *
* Like fish or human beings
[chomps]
* When you eat your sweets
* Make sure you try
* To limit your servings
* Or you'll *
[heavy metal music] * Die
Everybody!
[upbeat music] * My body's a pyramid *
* That's made of healthy food *
* So do what we say
(all) * Yeah
* Eat right every day
(all) * Food
* I
* Love
* You
Buy American.
Well, I guess we did learn that.
*
(announcer) Next time, on a very special Clone High,
someone open-mouth kisses someone else.
So set your VCRs for stunned,
because you will be.
Oh, you will be.
(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s
* Secret government employees
* Dug up famous guys and ladies *
* And made amusing genetic copies *
* Now the clones are sexy teens now *
* They're going to make it if they try *
* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *
* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *
* Clone High