I actually love it here,
so I've decided I might just stay, chill out.
Can you... Can you imagine yourselves in this master suite?
Can you see it, Phillip and Holly? Can you see it?
Yeah. You've got a little en suite there.
Nice! You've got a little wardrobe there.
Do you like it? I do.
Come this way. Then you've got the little twin.
Put the kids in there. Look at that. Ain't it beautiful?
This is what you could win, a holiday home.
The whole package is worth £150,000.
Ooh! I'm stuck on the door. Hold on.
THEY LAUGH Sorry.
Obviously... Obviously, the doors are a little bit smaller.
This is the kitchen.
SHE GUFFAWS
I got stuck in the door! Honestly!
APPLAUSE
Ooh!
Whoa! ROOSTER CROWS
Ah!
Oh!
MUSIC: 'King' by Years 81 Years
# I caught you watching me Under the light... #
DAVID WALLIAMS: We're back to blow the doors
on the bank of TV cock-ups.
That is so unprofessional. I'm so sorry.
Ancl it's so childish. RONAN: I love it.
With live calamities...
Oh, how does this come off, Jack?
What do you mean "spoon it out"? I can't get it off.
...and outtake ordeals.
I did a blow off.
Ah!
Your favourite stars will face it all...
We're stuck now. DAISY MAY COOPER: Oh, my God!
Do you know how long this took to set up?
...but they'll get through it because no matter what happens...
Stuck in the car. HORN BEEPS
...the show must go on.
No!
I didn't mean that!
I think I've got away with it.
No, no, no! THEY LAUGH
Steph's really enjoying that (!)
# Let go of everything. #
We start with Alan Carr
and the epic game show Strike It Lucky.
But with this opening link,
Alan is putting himself on a hot spot.
Oh, I really hope someone drives off in that car at the end of the night.
I do, I do.
It's blocking in me "Cinquequento" in the car park.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Poor Alan.
The only car he can pronounce is the one in his own name.
Oh, I really hope someone drives off in that car at the end of the night.
I do, I do. It's blocking in me Ciquetwent...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Cinquecento, BLEEP.
I know. Why did I say foo... Fiat Uno?
Cinquecento. OK.
Perfect. Say it just like that.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whay!
Shut up! Stop it now. You're patronising me. Right.
Oh, I really hope someone drives off in that car at the end of the night.
No, I do, I do.
It's blocking in me Cinquecento in the car park.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whay!
Thank you, yes. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
Nailed it. Take the rest of the day off.
LOVE ISLAND THEME PLAYS
Love Island.
On screen, it's all kissing and kicking off.
But behind the scenes, they do have quiet moments.
Ah, it's so peaceful.
CLATTERING INDIYAH: Oh, my God! Are you OK?
What was that?
They're supposed to be cracking on, not cracking bits of the set.
AMBER: On three, lift me up!
Yeah, hold still. IKENNA: Are you OK?
Oh, my clays. That was...
It's been a rough clay. It's actually been a rough clay.
She may have been unlucky in love,
but her heels coupled up with the decking
and almost won the series.
AHA'. She's OK. THEY LAUGH
TENABLE THEME PLAYS
Tenable, and the contestants are trying to guess ten artists
that have made it to number one.
Will Charlotte Church be one of them?
Charlotte Church is untenable. She actually had a number two.
HE CACKLES, AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Too much information, Warwick.
Way too much information.
Paris, and the world's press
have gathered to wave goodbye to Kim Kardashian.
And it's easy to feel rushed when you have all these cameras on you.
So it's best to take a moment before driving off.
CONCIERGE: Bye-bye. Have a safe flight.
She can't help thinking that she's forgotten something.
There's something missing.
Best to go back and check.
Ah! That's it. Of course. It's not Kim's fault.
The kid couldn't "keep up with the Kardashian".
DAVID CH UCKLES
Have a safe flight. Bye-bye.
See you next time in Paris. Thank you.
POINTLESS THEME PLAYS
Pointless, and when I heard Richard Osman was leaving,
I wondered how Xander would take the news.
But after this, I realise he probably threw a party.
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong, and welcome
to this special '70s edition of Pointless Celebrities,
The shows that... Oh, no!
Aw, that's a shame. Oh, no.
That's the furthest you've ever got without making a mistake.
So that's good. That's good news. Oh, yeah, ah.
EMMERDALE THEME PLAYS
Emmerdale, and we're in the cafe with Mackenzie and Mandy,
and on the menu today is another one of their dodgy deals.
Why do you think? Then I know who I'm speaking to.
You wanna be there?
Fine, be my guest, but seriously, think about it.
What are you actually bringing to the table here?
The only reason that I brought you in was because I wanted...
...you to come in with your line.
SHE WHISTLES, HE LAUGHS
Wh00p$!
Next time, do what I do in cafe scenes,
and write the lines in your Alphabetti spaghetti.
Gardeners' World.
For the viewers, everything about this show is calming and relaxing.
For the presenters, let's just say it has the opposite effect.
Are you having a good clay? PHONE RINGS
I'm having a fantastic, mate.
I have met a man that displays his dahlias...
Hello? Can you help me? Hello. Hello.
Are you having a good clay, Adam?
I'm having a fantastic clay, my friend.
I've met a man that displays his dahlias on little black boxes.
Ooh, each to their own.
These look absolutely amazing.
OVER SPEAKER: If you're enjoying your day, why not visit...
If you are enjoying your clay... Well, we were.
Take a deep breath, count to ten, and if that doesn't work,
nip off and smell the roses.
A hundred of these, and that's...
QVC, where it's not only the prices that are falling.
Absolutely. The pet stuff, the car, even...
00h! 0h!
HE LAUGHS
SLOWED: Even... Ooh!
Everything must go.
Yeah.
Ooh!
Cock-ups on travel shows now.
And Brad and his son, Barney, are in Norway to swim in an icy river.
They've found a scantily-clad stranger in the forest,
which is my idea of fun, but Brad's idea of a nightmare.
Can't be that cold.
Bradley has agreed to go in up to his ankles.
HE INHALES SHARPLY
Wh00p$!
HE SHOUTS
Almighty!
Oh! Holy BLEEP alive!
Oh! Ooh!
I've fell under! Oh, my God!
I'm cold! Oh, my...
I fell over! Oh, my God!
Ooh.
I slipped.
I think Dad has been well and truly broken.
Can brave Barney do any better?
I cannot believe you just went completely under like that.
Ah, don't.
Ooh, no! I can't. I can't. I actually... Oh, my God!
It's so painful. Ah!
How did you... Ah!
It could've been worse, Barney.
You could've been like your dad and fallen in.
Oh, man.
You'll be too busy...
Craig and Bruno, and after a rainy road trip,
the dance floor divas are pulling into a posh hotel.
As always, they like to make a grand entrance.
BRUNO: Let's check it out.
HORN BEEPS Oh, was that you?
I'm stuck. HORN BEEPS
Get out!
BRUNO LAUGHS
My strap's stuck in the car.
HORN BEEPS I got stuck in the gear lever.
Bruno has won dozens of dance awards,
yet he can't choreograph his way out of a car.
QVC are filming an item on cruising,
but I wouldn't all rush to book at once.
Have you ever, er, been worried about or suffered from seasickness?
No. No, we haven't.
We like it, in fact, that it's been...
This has been the calmest cruise we've ever been on.
It's been like a...
SHIP HORN BLOWS
God, how loud was that!
If this is the calmest cruise they've ever been on...
...I'd hate to be on board when things get rowdy.
Now, an outtake from A League Of Their Own.
They're sightseeing between Loch Ness and London,
but here's a sight they hoped no-one would see.
Make him stop. This is not safe. Are you ready?
Freddie! Ah! CAR REVS
We're stuck now. CAR REVS
THEY LAUGH
Good luck explaining this to the hire company.
You've ruined the car.
You've beached us.
He may be stuck,
but at least Freddie can rely on his friends to be supportive.
ROMESH: Hey, what's going on?
JAMIE: You all right, boys? All right, how's Top Gear going?
THEY LAUGH Top melt.
Some TV personalities would get jealous
when they see a star like Dame Joanna Lumley
getting to film in the Caribbean, but not me.
After watching this, I think I'm quite happy in my voice-over booth.
CAMERAMAN: That's looking great, Jo. You can have a practise now.
OK. I-I mean, when?
Like now, now, now. Now, Jo, now.
ASSISTANT: That's incredibly difficult.
This...
This whole island was once the stronghold...
Hang on, I can't see anything. I can't get my feet round.
I think Dame Joanna's wishing the hidden Caribbean had stayed hidden.
But Jo's a pro.
She'll get the link done, come hell or very high water.
Give it another go, Joanna.
There was a Welshman called Captain Henry Morgan.
Some of you may have heard that name.
It... It comes on the bottle of a famous rum.
Ancl he chose this island...
I think Dame Joanna has earned some rum herself.
I wouldn't mind going back soon.
Get her back to dry land, she's a national treasure.
And we return to Craig and Bruno
who want to conclude their first series
of Great British Road Trips by rowing into the sunset.
How romantic.
It's a nice idea on paper,
not so nice on water.
I'm heavy. Right.
Never to be seen again. Loch Ness.
Oh, no, look! Look at what's...
This is supposed to be the... Look at that!
THEY LAUGH
I can't row. This is impossible.
It's impossible. You can't. We're stuck. Hold on. Hold...
Let me help you. They're easy. No, look, we're going.
No, no, we're going. Slowly. Leave it!
They never had this trouble waving their paddles around on Strictly.
I'm sorry, Craig, I've ruined your glamorous ending.
THEY LAUGH
No, I've gotta do this. Oh, no, BLEEP!
Are you all right? CRAIG LAUGHS
He's fine, but let's just hope Craig is not a real Scots man.
From that angle, Bruno might end up
seeing more sights than he bargained for.
Time for my Big Cock-up Question.
Can you remember what happened
on the day Lorraine was due to interview Daniel Radcliffe?
Find out after the break.
APPLAUSE
DAVID WALLIAMS: Welcome back. Interviews now.
And A-listers love Lorraine as she always makes them feel safe.
AUTOMATED MESSAGE: 'Your attention please.
'The building is being evacuated.'
Right, according to that, um, announcement there,
the building is being evacuated. I'll try and find out what happened.
In the meantime, we'll keep going.
'Do not run. Do not...'
Sorry about this. Sorry about this.
Right.
I blame Daniel Radcliffe. ALARM SOUNDS
He probably set the alarm off when wagging his wand about.
LAUGHTER
Now, an interview with a World Cup-winning rugby legend.
If we can only get through his introduction.
Now, known for his moves on a rugby pitch,
former England star Mike Tingle waltzed...
Mike Tingle? LAUGHTER
...Loose MEN, which was yesterday, wasn't it? It was.
For Mental Health Awareness Week.
I quite like the fact you might've called him Mike Tingle.
Did I? You did.
Get a little tingle... I quite tingle when Tinds is on.
...when I think of him and his shorts.
Don't we all? And bless you, Mike, it seems the feeling is mutual.
Yes, tingle is normally the way that I feel on This Morning
when we speak to each other.
Ooh, what a charmer. If only he was Mike Single.
LAUGHTER
Shaun Williamson, it's almost 20 years since he left
the role of Barry in EastEnders, but he hasn't aged a day.
It's no wonder Alex gets a little confused.
I'm living the dream, I'm doing the audiobook
of my book that comes out on October 1st, so that's what I'm doing.
Eh, nice plug you've got in there, Barry. Shaun!
LAUGHTER Don't call him Barry!
It is hard not to. Shaun, such a pleasure to see you.
I think the pleasure was all yours, Alex and Gethin.
Still, Shaun seemed pretty cool about it.
He's gone.
It was bound to happen, wasn't it? It was bound to happen.
Interviewers love Miriam Margolyes for her outrageous anecdotes.
But she's careful to choose the right tales for the time slot.
...which... I'm going to use a bad word,
can I use that in the morning on Sunday? Yes, yes.
Well, when I went for an interview...
Permission granted. So, it's back to 1981,
as Miriam is summoned to Warren Beatty's trailer.
...his trailer. Right.
Ancl so I knocked at the door in the lunch hour
and he said, "Come in."
I opened the door, He looked at me up, down, up.
And said, "Do you BLEEP?" LAUGHTER
Ancl I said, uh...
Apparently, we can't say that. Oh, well.
Anyway, you said it, we know what you said. And I said...
Miriam wears that blue scarf to match her language.
..."Yes, but not you."
LAUGHTER
For my first proper celebrity interview,
I'm sitting down with Jennifer Aniston
and Reese Witherspoon to find out what we can expect.
No pressure.
No pressure? But it's Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon!
You got this, Josie.
Just keep it light and don't ask anything controversial.
Are you a hugger, Jen?
A hooker? No!
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry. I need a translation.
A hugger.
Yes, I am a hugger! A hugger!
It's Josie that needs a hug now. LAUGHTER
A hugger. She is not a hooker, no.
OK. ALARM SOUNDS
We'll get back to those messages very shortly.
Right now, though, after another dramatic weekend of The X Factor,
Cheryl was left in shock.
The alarm is still going off in the Lorraine studio.
I'd be running screaming by now, but Lorraine is a professional.
She's determined to give X Factor's Stephanie
her moment in the spotlight.
Stephanie joins me now. Stephanie, I'm sorry for all of this going on.
You were evicted last night, and now they're trying to evict you again.
I know. From a building! This is awkward.
Teams of people are running around trying to find out what's happening.
When we find out, we'll let you know.
In the meantime, shall we try and carry on, Stephanie? Let's try.
They are telling me now that we do actually have to evacuate.
Would you believe it? I'm not sure quite what's going on, guys.
I'm really sorry about this. It's live television.
Anything can happen.
Best wrap it up and get out now, Lorraine.
We can't lose the queen of daytime!
We will find out what's happening. Hopefully, we will be back.
Steph, I'm so sorry. You have been evicted twice.
We'll see you after this, hopefully. Fingers crossed.
'Please find the nearest exit.'
Weather now, and I love the Good Morning Britain theme tune.
But you can have too much of a good thing.
17 or 18 in the north, warmer than yesterday,
and feeling better because of the lighter winds,
and 23 or higher in the sun. THEME SONG PLAYS
Let's talk about this hot weather.
It's so exciting, it gets the fanfare.
Nice save, Laura,
but I forecast sarcasm from Ben.
I think we should have more sound effects during the weather.
We should do. But do you know what? Especially when the sun is coming.
I think that deserves a fanfare, doesn't it?
Yeah, when the rain comes along or something goes wrong.
B00!
Let's see what the sound team can come up with.
SAD TROMBONE SOUND EFFECT
There you go.
Pan down, and cue Carol.
Good morning. Isn't it glorious here?
That blue sky, we watched it light up this morning, fantastic...
Cut to two minutes later, and as you can see,
Carol is just too hot for TV.
She's got the cameraman all steamed up.
We'll keep you posted on that as we go through the next few clays.
Thank you, Carol.
Carol, you won't see what we're seeing,
but you've gone fully soft focus on us this morning.
It's like a 1970s...
Oh, no! I was enjoying that. I was enjoying that.
I like the camera to steam up whenever I'm on TV.
It would save me a fortune on Botox.
That was a sophisticated wipe as well. Yep.
Possibly some severe...
Australian news, and the director seems
to have something against their weather presenter.
Hey. LAUGHTER
I think, well, I could still do the weather for you, Nate,
but, um, do we wanna switch it back to Nate?
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Come back. Come back. Because tomorrow...
I don't know why they need a forecast.
The Australian weather is the same every day! Hot!
Weather presenters get sick of delivering bad news.
Sol can't blame Helen for taking the easy way out
when Ben waxes lyrical about his online shopping.
Nina and Ben, back to you.
Thanks, Helen. Glad to see it's improving later in the week.
It has been awful, hasn't it? I was just saying as well, Helen,
what I bought online yesterday was a heated gilet.
It's got central heating in it. It looks amazing.
I'm so excited for it to be delivered. Wow!
Be honest, Helen,
what did you really think about Ben's heated gilet?
...electrified next time you see me, you know why.
He's a delicate flower. How long's... Ooh, she's gone.
She's so outraged by your electric gilet,
and rightly so, that she's gone.
Just wait, you'll be buying one as well.
I don't think we will.
Let's look at the weather now. How is it out there, Nate?
SOUND DIMMED
Oh, dear. Two cock-ups in one morning.
Pay attention, Nate,
this is why you never steal the director's parking space!
LAUGHTER
Oh, right. We're back again.
We're just having issues with Nate's microphone.
It was going very well, but... Well, I think it's because
you wanted to do the weather earlier,
and switched the camera away.
I have been known to do the weather in the past.
Nate has now moved his car.
I think we've fixed his microphone. Fingers crossed. Back to you.
Give it another crack. Take two.
It is going to be hot in the south-east.
Yes, we know! It's always hot. LAUGHTER
...thundery, but it is going to get noticeably...
And, back at the BBC, where their weather reporters
have better things to do than chat at the end of the forecast.
There you go. Back to you.
So, if your garden gets a drink, it'll be lucky,
and it might not be a regular thing for a while.
Not very much. No. Oh. Off she went.
Yes, she just realised she needs to water her garden.
LAUGHTER
Time for my Big Cock-up Question.
And you, you've been playing darts.
Well, we did actually meet up with...
I mean, Charlotte said it was the other clay, but it was...
It was actually a while ago, yeah.
It was maybe four or five months ago.
These actors, from the BBC comedy Ghosts,
are tight-lipped about playing darts.
But what will Sunday Brunch not be able to keep a secret?
Find out after the break.
DAVID WALLIAMS: Welcome back.
Cock-ups with food and drink now,
as we return to a chat with the stars of Ghosts.
Before the break, they were keeping Tim in the dark about their darts,
and I asked what will Sunday Brunch not be able to keep a secret?
Let's find out.
Yeah, it's not really like,
just... It's better probably just with the dartboard and some darts.
I mean, there was a dartboard and darts,
but it wasn't just that.
ALL: Ohh!
Oh, no, we've got to broadcast in the dark.
That's cos you two are on and Ghosts.
Ooh!
Tim really IS in the dark now.
Seriously, did someone do that? This is cool, isn't it?
Yes, apparently we've got to carry on broadcasting.
Right, shall we cook, then?
Wait, is this a thing that you've clone
because we're on a show called Ghosts?
No.
Sunday Brunch likes to make their guests feel welcome,
but even they draw the line at a power cut.
We're gonna go to... We're gonna go to an advert break
to try and see if we can put some money in the meter
to fix the lights,
so we'll see you all in a minute. Looks moody.
The bosses at Ireland AM don't let the team drink booze at breakfast.
But Alan and Brian are trouble even when their drinks are alcohol free.
A virgin Brian-tini.
There's lots of people who don't drink,
but they love the feel of just holding a glass like this
and saying, "Yeah, I'm having a cocktail."
Ancl also with that one, have you noticed I've... It's a sugary rim?
That's what it's called. It is!
LAUGHTER
Make the cocktail. OK. That's exactly what it's called.
OK, so we're going to start off with...
Actually, taste that one first. LAUGHTER
Taste it!
What do you think?
Hope you like it.
I think he does like it, but he's worried what his producer will say.
ALAN CHOKES
N ice? It's lovely.
That's... That's a virgin Brian-tini.
I'd hate to see them both after a REAL drink.
Food cock-ups come when you least expect them -
just ask Martin Lewis.
It is the world's biggest celebrity football match.
Soccer Aid returns to ITV once again this year.
It's raising money for children in need all around the world.
Return... Sorry, I've just had apple and peanut butter,
and I'm struggling to talk to you, but can you carry on?
Returning to the dugout once again
and hoping to lead England to its first win since 2018...
Martin Lewis - he's great at investing,
but terrible at digesting.
PHILLIP LAUGHS
You say you can't argue with the science. Were you disappointed?
Sad faces all round,
as it turns out Doug the spud is not the world's largest potato.
In fact, he's not even a potato at all.
I could have told them that.
A potato wouldn't be seen dead in those sunglasses.
It was a bit of a deflation to find out that,
you know, he wasn't a potato.
LAUGHTER But, hey.
As you walk along through life, these shitty sandwiches are...
LAUGHTER Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry about that, but...
Remind me never to go around to his place for afternoon tea.
Know your mushrooms. That's a chanterelle.
Back on Ireland AM, and this time, the hosts are behaving themselves.
It's professionalism all the way.
What kind of sausage do you have?
THEY LAUGH I just have a normal breakfast...
THEY LAUGH
We're not getting to the sausages yet, Alan.
We knew it was going to happen.
I meant, is it a pork sausage? THEY LAUGH
Let's focus.
I don't think the poor chef CAN focus now.
Get out your pork sausage, there.
Stop it (!) THEY LAUGH
Is it a pork sausage? Yes.
And just like that, the show is back on track.
But our chef can't resist adding a final bit of spice.
You can get a proper big, chunky Italian sausage if you want,
with loads of garlic and herbs inside and everything.
LAUGHTER Ben appeflt, boys.
It's a Halloween special for Blue Peter.
But it turns out that in the kitchen,
Lindsey's Maleficent is not so magnificent.
And then, we need to blend it together.
If you don't have a blender... Yes, the lid is on.
Gosh, all the bosses worrying. Erm, right, there we go.
Is that on enough?
Clockwise? What do you mean? I never use these.
It looks like Lindsey's bosses might be right to be worrying.
Yeah, thank you. OK, let's see what... Oh!
Is that even working? Not really.
Come on!
That'll do.
Something like that. Get the mixture all gooey, and...
Oh, how does this come off, Jack?
What do you mean? Hold the jug.
What do you mean?
LAUGHTER What's... How do I... Twist?
What do you mean "spoon it out"? I can't get it off!
Oh! CHEERING
If only she'd had one she made earlier.
Yes, what about this bit?
Oh, no. The blender's gonna be the end of me.
How do I get the lid off?
I'm just gonna... Right, we were meant to do this bit with a spoon.
It's not gonna happen, so you hold the tray, and I'll just do this...
That's not gonna work. That is gonna work, Jack.
Oh, it's not gonna work. I can't get this off.
CHEERING
Then, of course, you need to get your filling.
It's going very well, isn't it? Yes.
It is going very well, Lindsey.
It's going very well... for us!
I'll be honest with you, there's a lot of concern in the studio
about what you're about to make. Please tell us.
Poor Simon.
There's not a lot of enthusiasm for his beans and sardines.
But they're all kind on The Steph Show.
They know when someone cooks you a meal, it's polite to lie.
It's awful.
Bit harsh.
But I'm sure Steph will say something nice.
I'm up for most things, but this is really pushing it to the limit.
Come on, it can't be that bad!
Christine's got the right idea. What do you think?
Sanchez, you'd have this? Wouldn't touch it.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, no, no.
LAUGHTER
Steph's really enjoyed that (!)
I'll do this link, then.
I still think it costs nothing to be polite,
even if you are spraying from both ends.
News now with an Aussie press conference.
And ignore that man at the mic.
We're watching the sign language interpreter on the left.
Thankfully, he doesn't translate his own words.
Post-2011, there was a program me... SPLAT
Oh, shit.
Crikey.
Sorry. Take your jacket off.
Forget dry-cleaning, that jacket is going to need a boil wash.
Oh, no. Has anyone got some tissues?
This is on you, mate.
There's a hanky.
Thank you. I'm gonna answer quickly.
Thankfully, the signer saw the funny side.
He was just grateful it didn't land in his man bun.
Hello, can I interest you in a Nigel la Lawson cupcake?
Watch, as a simple interview
descends into a full-blown crime scene.
Hang on, hang on. No... No camera.
Hang on, in that case, I need the cupcake back.
You only get the cupcake if you talk to me.
I need the cupcake back.
The cupcake was never seen again.
Ancl they don't think he cares.
An interview with Lib Dem leader Ed Davey.
And I can't help but wonder
if the BBC newsreader is allergic to his own tie.
NEWSREADER: That is Sir Edward Davey.
Sir Edward Davey, the Liberal Democrat MP.
Er, excuse me, I'm about to sneeze.
I think I've got away with it.
I don't think you did.
Next time you wear that tie, remember your antihistamine.
Spanish news and reporting live from outside Palma airport,
as the first tourists arrive in Majorca
since the travel laws were lifted.
But which of them will be going to Magaluf?
SPEAKS SPANISH
It's them, isn't it?
Brits abroad, pure class.
Majorca is lucky to have us back.
Finally, it must be a light news day,
as these Aussie reporters are running an item on lawns.
And a quick fact - "cooch" is a kind of turf, OK?
You see, this is like mine. Yeah.
And, Tony, I wanna ask, because my "c00ch" is dying.
Ancl it's... And what, like, what... And I don't...
What you been doing to it if it's dying?
What, the... The dog pees all over it.
STIFLES LAUGHTER
OK, well, that's probably why. It's a reasonable excuse.
Yeah, nitrogen burns.
Try to keep the dog off it, and, er, yeah,
you'll probably see results.
I don't understand what's going on with my co-host.
And nor do I.
I don't know WHY he thinks that type of grass is so funny.
No, "cooch" is good, considering if there's gonna be running on it,
"cooch" has got really good wear and tear tolerance,
so it can recover quickly.
Which is more than can be said for her co-host, Karl.
It's taken him the length of the entire interview to recover.
That's possibly the best segment ever.
I still don't understand.
We'll have more great stuff after this break...
if we're still on-air.
LAUGHTER What for?
HE LAUGHS My "cooch" is dying!
Time for my Big Cock-up Question.
And how appropriate.
It's the World Snooker Championship that is taking us to the break.
But what will cause China's Yan Bingtao to miss his cue?
Find out when we return.
DAVID WALLIAMS: Welcome back. Sport now,
as we return to the World Snooker Championship.
Before our break, China's Yan Bingtao
was about to make his break.
And I asked what will cause Yan to miss his cue?
COMMENTATOR: Well, I don't believe it.
We've got a pigeon in the Crucible.
What do you do here?
Oh, please.
COMMENTATOR: Well, I never.
There is a pigeon... Yes, you've heard that correctly.
...there is a pigeon in the Crucible Theatre.
Don't worry, Yan.
I think it just wants a game. Winner stays on.
Absolutely extraordinary.
The commentators are loving this.
They won't find it so funny when it starts raining droppings.
We've seen some things at the Crucible before,
but we've never seen that.
How on Earth are they going to get it out?
If only someone had access to some very long sticks to shoo it away.
REFEREE: Thank you. Final frame of the session.
Somewhere in this theatre, there is a pigeon.
Let's hope it finds somewhere dark and quiet to have a little snooze.
I'm sure it will.
There isn't man or beast that can stay awake when the snooker is on.
How did you learn English?
Sven-Goran Eriksson.
As England manager, he was one of the biggest faces of the noughties.
Second only to The Cheeky Girls.
I like to imagine
that all the superstars from that decade still keep in touch.
Yeah, that's good.
Ancl I love to learn new languages.
Because it makes you richer.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, they do!
Quick thought before I ask you one more question.
PHONE RINGS
It does look like Mr Opik really does want to talk to you.
He does. And ex-MP Lembit Opik won't take no for an answer.
PHONE RINGS Not taking a mental coach...
Sorry, Lembit, Sven's busy.
Try Dido or Dappy from N-Dubz.
Thank you so much for taking the time.
And, hopefully, we'll speak to you soon.
Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Thank you. Bye.
I know. I know.
The glory days of Gareth South gate in his waistcoat.
Since he's taken it off, he just doesn't command the same respect.
It's going to be two...
INTERCOM CHIMES
It was saying... 'Paging Mr Green.'
Rude. Gareth was speaking.
This would never have happened when he had his waistcoat on.
INTERCOM CHIMES
'Paging Mr Green.'
He laughed it off, but mentally, he's already online
and ordering a nice little number
with moleskin pockets and a silk paisley back.
Into the gym with Olympic gold medal list Max Whitlock
and two fine specimens
of athletic excellence, Rob and Romesh.
With these two, we can't fail at the next Olympics.
I would love it if it just snapped off.
I think we'd all love it if it just snapped off.
We'd rerun that clip for years. But it's not Rob in danger.
It's his film crew.
BREAKS WIND Oh!
ROMESH GIGGLES
I did a blow off.
I tried to hide it in the foam. But he heard it.
The sound man heard it.
Apologies if the ring smells now, Rom.
You've got a smelly ring on your hand, I'm afraid.
I blame the runner who brought Rob a three bean salad for lunch.
Romesh, I'd keep your nose out of that foam if I were you.
That's it.
Oh. That's horrible.
ROB CHUCKLES That is horrible.
STV News as they go live to their reporter at Kilmarnock's Rugby Park.
And what do they play at Rugby Park? Football.
Kemar Roof e has been ruled out of the club's next three games
with Alfredo Morelos already out injured...
As the sprinkler comes right over my post. I hope you can see me.
We can still see you.
...in attack.
Here is our reporter, Ronnie Charters,
who is definitely dry.
Congratulations.
You've just won first prize in our wet reporter competition.
THIS MORNING THEME PLAYS
Welcome back, still to come...
Now, the cock-up that everyone fears the most,
a cock-up on live TV.
Thank goodness for experienced presenters like Phil and Rochelle
who can find a way to keep the show going
without us viewers even noticing.
Ancl is the research similar for men and women?
It's slightly different. CLANG
In men... What was that? Was that your bangle?
It's the bangle. I think I've got to give up the bangle dream.
It's time. There we go.
That wasn't even remotely distracting (!)
Sorry. As you were.
If it was a pre-recorded show,
I'd ask the question again. Go on. Go on.
So, is the research the same for men and women?
It's slightly different...
But fortunately for us, Phil, it's not a pre-recorded show.
Any chance I could have that bangle?
It would look lovely next to my charm bracelet.
Now, look carefully, can you see the moment the director
tells this presenter to hide her branded coffee cup?
Taylor and Serrano at the press conference staring each other down
and both girls trying to keep a straight face.
They were ready to start laughing and the manager behind her
trying not to laugh as well. Having a great time.
I'm laughing. I got, "Hide your cup."
I very subtly did it like this.
I got caught on camera. It's a wide shot with all of us in it.
We've got an hour to go, babes.
There is coffee in it. I'm getting sleepy.
Whatever gets you to midday.
If this is how she reacts when caught with a cup of coffee,
just imagine how she would react
if caught with something a little stronger.
There is still lots of time to get in touch
and shame Elaine for what she has just done.
You can text us for free on WhatsApp.
The number is 0896111111.
Don't sniff my coffee.
It's a stiff one this morning.
It may be a strong coffee.
There is nothing else in it, might I add.
Don't worry, Elaine.
If I had to get up at 5am for breakfast TV,
I'd have caffeine on a drip.
THE ONE SHOW THEME PLAYS
The lovely people at The One Show are planning a surprise.
But I think Alex is about to surprise herself.
Well, his friends know him well. You'll see now.
He got wind...
We got wind, sorry, that he's a massive Gardeners' World fan.
So, who better...
CHUCKLING: Sorry. That really tickles me.
SHE GIGGLES
Who better to surprise him than one of the presenters.
Here's what happened when we gave him a huge surprise.
Come on, Alex, it's The One Show, not "the let one go show".
That is so unprofessional. I'm so sorry. And it's so childish.
I love it.
I absolutely love it.
Windy pops are not that childish.
I've made a career out of them. Have you not read my books?
Ancl Fiona says...
GIGGLING: ..and my dog has also got wind.
Oh, honestly, it's pathetic. I mean, what's going on?
I'm a grown woman, apparently. There you are.
THIS MORNING THEME PLAYS
Back to This Morning just one day after bangle gate.
And as they prepare to go live to the nation,
surely Rochelle hasn't lost something else?
It is actually under there.
It is dusty. It's very dusty.
I'm so sorry. Good morning. We've had...
a small issue.
Roch's earpiece just fell out and shot straight underneath there.
There's a mouse under there
listening to the director having a heart attack.
I can hear. What's this? A big ear hole.
Is that a thing?
Have you got a big ear hole? I think so.
It just sort of... Have you got a loose ear hole?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful, Phil.
Well, I tell you what, though, they'll never get that out.
That will cost you a fortune. Yes. That's very true.
That's why I have the old-fashioned one which is much cheaper.
So you can't lose it.
Are we ever going to start the show?
Thank you, everybody. Hello.
Welcome to Tuesday's This Morning.
Are you all right? We're not sure we are.
It's just like life, there's always an issue.
Oh, Phil, he's so wise. He's like the Dalai Lama of daytime.
Emotive subjects on live TV can lead to passions running high.
But if Steph's not careful, her packed lunch will be sent packing.
I remember Tanni Grey-Thompson telling me,
obviously, Paralympic athlete, won so many golds for the country,
and her saying to me that once
she was at a train station with her daughter and someone said,
"Well, how have you got her?"
And she went, "Well, how have you got your kids?
"I had a good shag, that's what I did."
I probably can't say that on daytime TV,
but that's a direct quote.
I apologise for using that statement, but that's what she said.
I'm getting screamed at in my ear. Sorry.
That's the thing, it's like...
Remember, Steph, do what I do when I want a naughty word on Channel 4.
Bribe Rachel Riley to rig the letters on Countdown.
'Live from Television Centre in London, this is Good Morning...'
Good Morning Britain, where a slip of the tongue
nearly had me falling off my seat.
Still ahead on Good Morning Britain...
You'll like this, Richard. ..Anything Goes. It was brilliant.
Yeah, it smashed box office records in London.
Now it's off on tour.
It's got Four Weddings legend, Simon Cowell...
Simon Cowell?! My Simon?
...both joining us later.
Oh, it's a proper toe tapper. Did you say Simon Cowell?
Callow. Did I say Cowell?
I heard Cowell.
Simon Callow is what I meant. Did I say that?
It would be good to see Simon Cowell in the musical, wouldn't it?
You wouldn't say that if you'd heard him sing.
New Zealand and a review
of the latest Marvel movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch.
But the trouble with discussing the powers of Doctor Strange
is the chat can get strange.
Very strange.
Ancl he can do what? Levitate, obviously.
He can levitate.
Portals is the main thing that this type of sorcerer can do.
So they can open a portal and throw someone through it
or something through it and then close the portal, and so forth.
Certainly for the film critic.
The presenters aren't really interested
in Benedict's portal powers.
I caught a little glimpse and he is ripped for this.
I don't mean to take it to that level, but I just did.
They have their own superpower.
They can talk faster than they think.
I wouldn't mind a few minutes in his multi-verse.
Through the portal.
GIGGLING
Stop. I didn't mean that.
GIGGLING
Whoa! just no. Holy hell.
I didn't mean that.
I don't know what she meant and I don't want to.
I'm blushing now.
Yeah, so am I. Thanks, Dan. You're welcome.
And now everyone's wishing
they could make a portal to swallow them up.
A huge thank you to all the fabulous production teams
who shared their cock-ups with us tonight.
Even the best laid plans can go wrong.
Just ask Greg about his unhappy Monday.
It's time for the ID parade.
Can you identify Bez dancing in silhouette alongside four non-Bezes.
Bez, off you go.
Just in case you need a recap of Bez dancing, here you go.
Whilst Bez gets into position,
Greg is kind enough to give us a reminder of his dance moves.
Although I'm not sure any clues are needed.
MUSIC: 'Step On' by Happy Mondays
Bezes, stand still.
LAUGHTER
All Bezes, stand still.
LAUGHTER
Well, we bloody know which one!
Oh, my God!
Do you know how fucking long this took to set up?
We had to build that fucking framework.
LAUGHTER
There's not a person in this room who doesn't know who fucking Bez is.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
Thanks to all our stars and good night.
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com