- [LAUGHING]
♪♪♪
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
- IT'S CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.
- WELL, HAVING A SON IS FINALLY PAYING OFF.
TO BILLY AND IRWIN!
- HEY, GUYS!
- WOW.
I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT MANDY IS A GIRL.
- YEAH!
AND THIS IS A FATHER-SON PICNIC.
- OH, COME ON, GUYS.
SHE'S JUST ONE OF THE BOYS.
SEE?
HA HA!
BOYS!
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?
I HAVE NO SON!
[SOBBING]
- [SNIFFING]
SMELLS READY.
COMMANDER BILLY REPORTING FOR PRE-LAUNCH CHECKLIST, SIR!
E. COLI?
CHECK!
CAT HAIR?
- MEOW.
- CHECK!
AND SPECIAL SAUCE?
CHECK!
PREPARE FOR LAUNCH, PRIVATE IRWIN!
- AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
COMMENCING COUNTDOWN!
5... 4... - UH, 3... - 2... - 1!
FIRE!
- BILLY, I THINK YOU DROPPED YOUR BRAIN.
- WHAT'S WRONG, MANDY?
NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE DIRT, ARE YOU?
AAH!
- UH...
- DO YOU MIND!
- [SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
- FINALLY...
AFTER 7 HOURS OF CLEANING UP AFTER THEM BRATS,
EVERYTHING IS SPOTLESS.
HUH?
[FIRE ALARM BEEPING]
WHA!
[SOBBING]
- OH, OH, OH!
I HATE BUGS!
OH, MY GOSH!
WHAT IF I TURN INTO A BUG RIGHT NOW!
- LET'S DO A BUG TEST.
TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT CRAWLS INTO YOUR LITTLE BRAIN.
LADY? - BUG.
- JUNE? - BUG!
- YO, SUCKA, DON'T BE... - BUGGIN'!
- YEP, YOU'RE TURNING INTO A BUG.
- B-B-B-BUG!
OH.
THICK, BROWN WATER.
OH!
THE BURN MEANS IT'S WORKING.
I'M NOT GONNA TURN INTO A GIANT BUG
LIKE THAT FREAK JEFF!
- [KIDS CHATTERING]
- WOW.
WHO KNEW FATHERS AND SONS
COULD BE SO HAPPY?
[SIGHS]
IF ONLY I HAD A CHANCE TO SHOW MY DAD
WHAT A GREAT SON I TURNED OUT TO BE.
BUT ALL I HAVE TO REMEMBER HIM BY ARE THESE...
BABY PICTURES!
OH, DADDY.
- UCH!
I AM SO UNCLEAN!
- DAD?
- TAKE THAT, YOU DIRTY OLD BUGS!
YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT!
- KISS HIS BUTT!
THAT'S ALL HE WANTS?
A KISS ON THE BUTT?
HECK, I'll KISS BOTH CHEEKS.
- [WHISTLING]
- [HEAVY BREATHING]
- [SHUDDERING]
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS]
STUPID SQUIRREL!
I WASN'T AFRAID.
[WHISTLING]
- HEY, DAD!
- HUH?
- I MADE YOU A CARD.
- [SCREAMS]
- ARE YOU OK?
IT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD.
IT'S ME, YOUR SON, JEFF!
HAPPY TO SEE ME?
- [WHIMPERING]
- HEY, DAD, ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
- [SHUDDERING]
[SCREAMING]
- NO, DAD! WAIT!
YOU CAN HAVE THE BUG.
OH, WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
- YOU'RE BEING TOO NICE.
- MANDY, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN BE TOO NICE.
I MEAN, MAYBE TOO FORGIVING, BUT TOO NICE?
OOPS.
YOU DROPPED YOUR CANOPY.
- SEE?
TOO NICE.
LOOK, NICE GETS THEIR ATTENTION,
BUT MEAN PUTS THE HOOK IN THEM.
JUST LOOK AT IRWIN.
- HI, MINDY.
WHAT A LICK OF MY... - OOPS!
LATER, LOSER.
- I LOVE YOU!
- WOW!
THAT'S ALL IT TAKES?
MANDY, I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME
TO STOP BEING SO NICE
AND START BEING MEAN, CRUEL, AND EVIL...
MORE LIKE YOU.
- I'll DO IT FOR 100 BUCKS.
- 100 BUCKS?
WELL, FOR YOU... 200!
- MEET ME AT BILLY'S HOUSE AT 6 P.M.
AND BRING A BAD ATTITUDE.
- TAKE THIS, YOU GIANT SPIDER FREAK!
- YEAH! TAKE THAT, YOU SPIDER FREAK!
- OH, THIS GAME CHEATS SO BAD!
- THAT'S RIGHT, GRIM.
IT'S A CONSPIRACY.
- WHAT'S THAT, BONES?
YOU OVER THERE CRYING?
CRY ABOUT THIS!
NOW SHUT UP, SISSY!
- HA! YOU TELL 'EM, SARGE!
- HEY, JEFF.
- PSST, MANDY, I'M OVER HERE!
- OH.
YOU'RE DEFINITELY BILLY'S SON.
- OK, MANDY,
TIME TO PLAY HARDBALL WITH DAD.
AND TO SHOW HIM I MEAN BUSINESS
I'M MADE HIM SOME PONY TEAR TRUFFLES.
- HEY, MANDY,
GUESS WHO JUST GOT THE CRAZY HIGH SCORE!
- YOU?
- YEP. ME.
[SCREAMS]
IT'S THAT FREAKY GIANT SPIDER,
AND HE'S MADE PONY TEAR TRUFFLES!
NO WHITE CHOCOLATE.
RUN!
- ATTACK.
- GRR!
DAD! DAD!
- THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.
- DAD...
I KNOW THAT MAYBE I DIDN'T TURN OUT
THE WAY YOU PLANNED,
BUT, GOSH DARN IT, I'M YOUR SON.
AND I CORDIALLY REQUEST SOME LOVE.
HOW AM I DOING? - MEANER.
- RIGHT! STRIKE THE CORDIAL PART.
- [SCREAMING]
- DAD?
- GET AWAY FROM ME, FREAK!
[STRAINING]
- [GROANING]
- [GRUNTING]
- IT'S WORKING, MANDY!
OH! HE'S SHOWERING ME WITH GIFTS.
- [SCREAMING]
- OH, MANDY!
I CAN FEEL THE WARMTH OF DADDY'S LOVE
SURGING THROUGH MY SHATTERED LIMBS.
- THIS IS GOING TO BE HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
TIME FOR PLAN B.
OK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- LOUD AND CLEAR, MANDY.
- OK.
GET BILLY TO COME TO THE WINDOW
AND I'll TELL YOU WHAT TO SAY.
- JEEZ, MANDY,
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BEING AWFULLY SNEAKY.
- NOW, GO.
- ALL RIGHT!
- AND NOW ALL YOU NEED IS A NOSE, LINTY.
OOH! I GOT A SQUISHY NOSE!
- HMM.
HOW DO I GET HIS ATTENTION?
- THROW A PEBBLE AT HIS WINDOW.
- RIGHT, A PEBBLE.
- OH, MY EYE!
- OH, SORRY!
[SCREAMS]
- MANDY, I THINK HE'S COMING DOWN!
NO, HE'S...
HE JUST GIVING ME MORE FURNITURE.
- I HATE YOU!
- THANKS FOR THE FURNITURE, DAD!
- JEFF, GET ANGRY.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- PUT THE HOOK IN HIM.
- RIGHT.
- NOW REPEAT WHAT I SAY EXACTLY.
HEY, STUPID.
- HEY, UH, STUPID!
DON'T MAKE ME EAT MY PARENTS LIKE OTHER BUGS DO!
EW!
OH, SORRY, DAD!
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST GO GET SOME YOGURT?
I'll BUY!
OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT.
SORRY.
- STOP APOLOGIZING.
BE MEAN!
- I CAN'T.
I HAVE AN ABNORMALLY SMALL MEAN GLAND.
[WHINING]
- THAT'S IT, I GIVE UP.
- NO! NO!
I'll LISTEN. PLEASE, MANDY!
- ALL RIGHT, MANDY.
I'M HERE TO DO YOUR CHORES.
- HEY, GO NUTS.
- GO NUTS?
- NOW, GET TO WORK.
- GRIM,
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
- YEAH, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
- LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU JERK!
- "CLEAN MY ROOM, GRIM."
I HATE YOU, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MONSTER.
- I HATE YOU, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MONSTER.
- NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I'M NEVER APPRECIATED!
- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO...
- TO GET SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE?
- CHEW SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF?
- [BARKING]
- THAT'S IT!
- [TRAIN WHISTLE]
- TOOT!
NO MORE MR. NICE SPIDER!
[GRUNTING]
LOVE ME, DAD!
LOVE ME!
LOVE ME NOW!
- NO!
- AW, DUDE!
THIS GAME CHEATS!
- I TOLD YOU. - YOU KNOW, JEFF,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID TO BILLY,
BUT HE'S MUCH LESS ANNOYING NOW.
- YEAH.
- WELL, I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, MANDY.
IT'S JUST NICE TO HAVE A FATHER.
HOW YOU DOING, DAD?
- I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU.
- AW, SHUT UP, DAD.
- MY BIKE ROCKS!
OH! THE WHEELS ARE LIKE CIRCLES!
ONE LEMONADE, PLEASE!
- [SCREAMING]
- [SLURP]
WELL! AT LEAST MY BIKE IS OK.
I SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO RIDE IT HOME.
AW.
WHO NEEDS A DUMB BIKE TO HAVE FUN ANYWAY?
WALKING CAN BE IT'S OWN REWARD.
GO, LEGS, GO!
YEAH! I'M ON FIRE!
YOU PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!
- HI, BILLY!
- OH, HEY, IRWIN.
MAN, IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IRWIN'S HAVING FUN
WITH HIS BIKE.
- I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH MY BIKE!
WHOO!
- IT LOOKS LIKE PUD'N IS HAVING FUN
WITH HIS BIKE, TOO!
- [LAUGHING]
- EVEN SPERG!
- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND BIKE.
- I ONLY WISH THAT EVERYONE COULD KNOW
THE JOY THIS BIKE HAS BROUGHT ME.
[THUNDER]
- YOU JUST PUT ONE FOOT
IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.
- ALAS, POOR BILLY,
DESTINED TO WALK THE SEPULCHERED STREETS OF SUBURBIA,
A DOOMED HUSK OF A CHILD.
DO NOT CRY FOR HIM.
DO NOT CRY!
YOU SEE, BILLY'S LIFE IS ABOUT TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE.
FOR BETTER OR WORSE, I KNOW NOT.
OH!
I WISH I HADN'T DRANK ALL THAT LEMONADE.
I CAN HOLD IT. I CAN HOLD IT!
I DON'T GOTTA HOLD IT!
WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO PORTO-POTTY IS THIS?
IT LOOKS SO UNSANITARY.
- THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT PITTSBURGH.
- OH, HI!
- HELLO, BILLY.
- HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?
- I GUESSED.
- WOW!
IS THAT YOUR RED TRICYCLE?
IT SURE IS NICE.
- ACTUALLY, I BROUGHT IT HERE JUST FOR YOU.
- [GASPS]
FOR ME?!
- IT'S TOTALLY FREE.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO PROMISE TO LOVE IT FOREVER...
AND EVER AND EVER.
AND EVER.
- I PROMISE.
- [LAUGHING]
[COUGHING]
OH, SORRY.
I JUST REMEMBERED THIS REALLY FUNNY JOKE
ABOUT A DUCK IN A... [BELL RINGS]
NEVER MIND.
IT IS TIME TO GO.
DON'T FORGET... YOU MUST LOVE IT FOREVER.
FOREVER... FOREVER... - THANKS, MR. KID!
YOU'RE A 3-WHEEL DREAM!
I'M GONNA NAME YOU TRYKIE.
COME ON, TRYKIE, LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN!
GUYS! HEY, GUYS!
DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING NEW?
- [SNICKERING]
- WHAT IS THAT, YO?
IS THAT A TRICYCLE?
- YEP!
IT'S NAME IS TRYKIE!
- [SNICKERING]
[LAUGHING]
- INCOMING DATA PACKET FOR BILLY.
ONLY BIG BABIES RIDE TRICYCLES!
- THAT'S NOT TRUE!
- READY FOR YOUR BOTTLE?
- [CRYING]
I'M NOT A BIG BABY!
I'M A YOUNG ADULT.
- ♪ BABY BILLY, SITTING IN HIS CRIB ♪
♪ DRIPPING MASHED POTATOES ALL DOWN HIS BIB ♪
- YOU'RE WRONG!
TRYKIE IS COOL!
AND I HAVEN'T WORN A BIB IN MONTHS!
[SOBBING]
[BURP]
[SOBBING]
THEY... THEY... THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT A CHANCE!
[SOB]
- HEY, YOU REMEMBER EARLIER, YO,
WHEN WE CALLED BILLY A BABY?
- YEAH!
THAT WAS AWESOME!
- AND THEN WHEN HE CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME?
- YEAH!
- IT'S NICE THAT IT WASN'T ME FOR A CHANGE.
[BELL JINGLES]
HELLO? IS SOMEONE THERE?
HELLO?
[SCREAMS]
- [SOBBING]
- [SQUEAKING]
- TRYKIE!
HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE, YOU RASCAL?
WAIT!
WHAT'S THAT LODGED IN YOUR SPOKES?
IT... LOOKS LIKE...
SOME KIND OF COOL NOISE-MAKER!
I'll JUST PUT THAT BACK IN.
TRYKIE, I DON'T CARE WHAT MY FRIENDS SAY.
I FEEL SO RIGHT WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
♪ TOURING THE FRANCE ♪ LA LA LA
♪ TOURING THE FRANCE ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
HI, SPERG. NICE DAY! GOTTA GO!
- GET BACK HERE, MEAT!
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T GET NO LAMER
YOU SHOW UP ON THAT THING!
- I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT TRYKIE!
THEY'RE JUST WORDS, AND WORDS CAN'T HURT ME.
- THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THESE.
- GULP.
WH-WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
- ATOMIC WEDGIES!
- [HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]
THEY WORK WELL.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME,
JUST DON'T HURT TRYKIE.
- YOUR STUPID BIKE IS ABOUT TO HAVE A LITTLE FALL.
- NO, SPERG.
NO! NO!
- THIS IS WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS, BABY.
- DON'T DO IT!
TRYKIE!
- WELL...
THAT WAS EVEN MORE SATISFYING THAN I THOUGHT.
♪ I COULD EAT YOU UP ♪ BETTER THAN CANDY
♪ YOU'RE SO DANDY ♪ BUTTERCUP DANCER
♪ I LOVE YOU [PANTING]
OH, STUPID, STUPID!
I MISSED THE THIRD CUE.
I'll NEVER GET TO BROADWAY WITH THAT KIND OF SLOPPINESS.
GOTTA TRAIN EVEN HARDER.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM, CUZ?
NO!
I GOT RID OF YOU, MAN!
I GOT RID OF YOU!
[SCREAMING]
OH, NO!
NO!
[SCREAMING]
- [SIGHS]
NOTHING IS AS FUN WITHOUT TRYKIE.
[SQUEAKING]
TRYKIE!
YOU'RE OK!
- SO IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME
THAT THING BELONGS TO YOU?
- MANDY, YOU BROUGHT TRYKIE BACK TO ME!
YOU ROCK!
- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT TRICYCLE, BILLY?
- FROM A WEIRD KID IN A MAGIC PORTO-POTTY.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
- STAY RIGHT HERE.
- WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE'S GOING, TRYKIE?
OH, OH!
I'll BET SHE'S GONNA GET HER OWN TRICYCLE.
SO WE CAN ALL RIDE TOGETHER.
- THIS THE THING?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
YEP. IT'S HAUNTED.
- HAUNTED?
- YOU'RE POSITIVE?
- YEP.
IT'S GOT THE MARK OF THE BEAST.
- ALL RIGHT, GRIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- WAIT!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRYKIE'S HAUNTED?
- YOUR BIKE IS POSSESSED BY AN EVIL FORCE.
DO IT. - RIGHT.
- TRYKIE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS.
HE WOULD NEVER HURT ANYONE.
TRYKIE IS COOL LIKE THAT.
- I BEG TO DIFFER.
- SHOW HIM, IRWIN.
- I'VE GOT TIRE TRACKS OVER 85% OF MY BODY.
- THOSE COULD HAVE COME FROM ANYWHERE.
- WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
LOOK WHAT YOUR MEAN TRICYCLE
WROTE ON MY FULL-BODY CAST.
- YOUR PAIN HAS ONLY BEGUN.
I'll BE BACK TO FINISH THE JOB.
YOU STINK. LOVE, TRYKIE.
THAT COULD BE ANY TRYKIE.
- ALL RIGHT, BILLY.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO SEE THIS.
- OH, MY GOODNESS!
- IT'S SPERG.
APPARENTLY HE SUFFERED AN IRREVERSIBLE
SUPER-MEGA WEDGIE.
- THAT COULD ONLY BE DONE BY... BY...
- BY A PAIR OF HANDLEBARS.
- NO!
SAY IT AIN'T TRUE, TRYKIE.
- SORRY, BILLY.
BUT I GOTTA DO THIS OR ELSE IT COULD...
SWEET PIG IN A POT!
IT'S GOT ME FACE!
MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!
- TRYKIE, STOP!
PLEASE STOP!
- AAH! IT'S GONE DOWN ME ROBE!
OW! IT BIT ME BONY BUTT!
WHAT THE?!
OH! OH! OH!
IT'S PUNCHING ME KIDNEYS, MAN!
- TRYKIE IS A KILLING MACHINE.
SO, WHAT AM I GONNA DO, MANDY?
- I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
- THE AGONY!
- HEY, TRYKIE!
YOU'RE JUST A BIG MEANIE!
YOU'RE NOT COOL AT ALL.
YOU'RE... UNCOOL!
- [ROARS]
- IS IT OVER?
- TRYKIE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
- I'M SORRY, TRYKIE.
- YOU'RE MONKEY PEOPLE, ALL OF YOU!
- AND THUS OUR STORY ENDS.
IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION,
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A NERD WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO.
BUT WHAT OF BILLY, YOU ASK?
WELL, HE GOT A NEW UNICYCLE.
- I'll CALL YOU UNI!
- AND WHAT OF EVERYONE ELSE?
WHO CARES?
THEY BORE THE SNOT OUT OF ME.
THE END!
♪♪♪
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE. www.ncicap.org...
- [BACKWARD VOICE]