HEY, BABY, WHAT YOU DOING?
CLEANING OUT OUR CLOSETS.
I GOT A BUNCH OF STUFF I'M GOING TO GIVE TO GOODWILL.
REALLY?
WELL, GOOD. WE'LL KEEP THIS RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MY HAT -- THIS IS MY FAVORITE HAT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HAVEN'T WORN THAT HAT IN 10 YEARS, MICHAEL.
ARE YOU CRA--
I JUST WORE THIS ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO.
YOU HAVE ALL MY STUFF IN HERE.
MICHAEL, THIS JUNK HAS BEEN CLOGGING UP MY CLOSET FOR YEARS,
AND IT'S GOT TO GO.
JUNK?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GET RID OF SOME OF YOUR JUNK?
J-- I DON'T HAVE ANY JUNK.
THREE PAIRS OF EARTH SHOES -- ISN'T THAT JUNK?
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
SHOES NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE. THEY PHASE IN AND OUT.
IF I GOT RID OF MY OLD EARTH SHOES,
I'D HAVE TO PAY $200 NEXT YEAR FOR SOME NEW ONES.
BUT YOUR HATS --
NOW, THESE GO OUT OF STYLE, MICHAEL.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW THIS HAT IS JUST AS COOL AS IT WAS
WHEN I FIRST BOUGHT IT -- LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT?
OKAY, LET'S MAKE A DEAL.
WHATEVER YOU WEAR, YOU CAN KEEP.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
OKAY, AND BACK AT YOU -- WHATEVER YOU DON'T WEAR
IN YOUR CLOSET, I'M GETTING RID OF IT.
OKAY.
WHATEVER WE DON'T WEAR IN THIS NEXT WEEK HAS GOT TO GO.
DEAL? DEAL.
COOL.
SEAL IT WITH A KISS AND THEN SOME LATER ON.
WHATEVER.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]
HEY, HEY, HEY. WHOA, WHOA.
[ WHISTLES ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING
WITH MY GUITAR?
MOM GAVE IT TO ME.
SHE SAID IT WAS JUNK FROM THE CLOSET.
WELL, IT'S NOT JUNK. IT'S MINE.
WELL, CAN I PLAY IT?
APPARENTLY NOT.
WHAT IS THAT Y'ALL TRYING TO DO? WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
OH, WE'RE JUST JAMMING.
YEAH, YOU'RE JAMMING A HEADACHE INTO MY EAR.
AND WHO'S THIS BEIGE KID? SISQO?
NO, DAD. THAT'S TOMMY JEFFERSON.
HE'S THE BADDEST KEYBOARD PLAYER IN SCHOOL.
YOU THE BADDEST ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S UP?
NICE TO MEET YOU, MR. KYLE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
W-WHAT WAS THE SOUND Y'ALL TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH?
IT'S KIND OF A BLUES- DR. DRE-BRITNEY SPEARS FUSION.
SEE, THE PROBLEM IS Y'ALL TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH.
YOU GOT TO KEEP IT SIMPLE AND PURE.
YOU KNOW WHO THE PUREST GUITAR PLAYER WAS
IN THE HISTORY OF THE GUITAR?
JIMI HENDRIX.
OH, WE DO A JIMI SONG.
WE DO "PURPLE HAZE." HOLD ON.
♪ 'SCUSE ME WHILE I KISS THE SKY ♪
LOOK, LET ME SHOW YOU SOME JIMI.
STEP BACK.
[ PLAYS "PURPLE HAZE" ]
NOW, THAT'S ROCK 'N' ROLL.
DAD, ANYTIME YOU WANT TO SET ANY OF MY STUFF ON FIRE,
FEEL FREE,
BECAUSE THIS IS A GREAT GUITAR.
IT SURE IS, AND YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF IT.
THAT'S A GIBSON LES PAUL 1950s REISSUE
WITH HUMBUCKER PICKUPS,
SO YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND MAKE THAT BUCKER HUM.
I WILL. TOMMY'S COMING OVER LATER,
AND WE'RE GOING TO JAM SOME MORE.
HOW DID YOU HOOK UP WITH THIS...
THIS TOMMY BOY?
I MET HIM IN MY ART CLASS,
AND HE SEEMS TO BE A REALLY COOL GUY.
HE MAY BE COOL, BUT HE'S TONE DEAF.
HEY, BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE,
TAKE A LOOK AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR.
YEAH, WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE A GAY INSECT.
HEY, SON.
"FLASHDANCE" -- WHAT A FEELIN'.
SHUT UP.
MOM, LET'S GO.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE 10 MINUTES AGO.
OKAY, COME ON, LET'S GO.
I'M READY, TOO!
MOM!
UH, OKAY, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
UM, BABY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART,
TODAY IS BIG GIRL DAY AT THE MALL.
I'M SURE CLAIRE WILL TAKE YOU ANOTHER DAY, THOUGH.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, CLAIRE?
OH, SURE, KADY.
THE NEXT TIME I GO, YOU'LL COME WITH ME.
YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU, HONEY?
YEAH, I GUESS.
OH, COME ON, LET ME SEE THAT SMILE.
OOH.
WELL, MAYBE YOUR DADDY
WILL DO SOMETHING FUN WITH YOU.
SURE, WHY DON'T WE GO GET SOME ICE CREAM?
AND I WON'T TAKE MY LACTAID,
AND I'LL MAKE BOOTY TRUMPETS ALL THE WAY HOME.
OKAY.
OKAY, GREAT, EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
TALK TO YOU LATER.
OKAY.
SEE YOU. BYE.
YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING OUT LIKE THIS, DID YOU?
SO, YOU READY TO GO HAVE SOME FUN?
[ CRYING ]
[ KADY CRYING ]
BREAKER ONE, BREAKER ONE...
[ IMITATES STATIC CRACKLING ]
WE HAVE A LITTLE GIRL BEING EATEN BY A BIG PILLOW.
OVER. I DON'T SEE ANYTHING EXCEPT FEET.
I'M GOING TO TICKLE THEM
AND SEE IF I CAN GET A REACTION.
STOP IT, DADDY!
OH, GOT A REACTION!
NOW I'LL APPLY THE RASPBERRY TECHNIQUE THAT I LEARNED
AT THE POLICE STATION!
[ INHALING LOUDLY ]
SHE'S ALIVE!
YAY!
YOU OKAY?
CLAIRE HATES ME.
NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE, SWEETHEART.
THEN WHY WON'T SHE LET ME GO TO THE MALL WITH HER?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.
YOU EVER HEARD THE STORY OF THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE?
UNH-UNH.
OKAY, ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS THIS HARE NAMED CLAIRE,
AND THAT'S A RABBIT, AND IT RHYMES.
AND THE HARE WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
AND THEN THERE WAS THIS CUTE LITTLE TURTLE NAMED KADY,
AND KADY ALWAYS WANTED TO HANG OUT,
AND THE RABBIT SAID, "HEY, YOU WANT TO RACE?
YOU WANT TO RACE, TURTLE?"
AND THE TURTLE COULD ONLY MOVE...
[ Speaking slowly ] REAL...UM...SLOW...
WHEN SHE MOVED.
AND THE RABBIT WOULD JUST HOP, HOP, HOP
BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO GET THROUGH LIFE REAL QUICK,
AND THEN ONE DAY,
THE TURTLE WAS RUNNING UP, GOING...
[ Speaking slowly ] "UH...HEY...UH...RABBIT...
COULD YOU WAIT FOR ME?"
AND THE RABBIT TURNED AROUND AND LOOKED,
AND WHEN SHE TURNED BACK -- BAM -- SHE HIT A TREE
AND FELL ON HER BEHIND.
AND THE TURTLE WENT UP AND SAID,
"UH...HELLO...UH... THERE...RABBIT.
"UH...WATCH OUT...UH...
FOR THE TREE."
WHAT'S THE MORAL, DADDY?
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A MORAL IS?
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE AT THE END.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS
YOUR SISTER CLAIRE HAS TO GO THROUGH LIFE
AND MAKE MISTAKES SO SHE CAN COME BACK
AND TELL YOU WHAT NOT TO DO.
ARE THERE TREES IN A MALL?
NO, BUT THERE'S ONE OUTSIDE THE ICE CREAM PARLOR.
YOU WANT TO GO?
HUH? YOU READY TO GO?
UH...YUP.
LET'S GO, RABBIT.
BOING, BOING, BOING.
WAIT.
OH, YOU HEARD THAT?
THE BOOTY TRUMPET'S WORKING ALREADY.
YO, DAD.
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
THIS? NOTHING.
THIS IS WHAT I WEAR ALL THE TIME.
ASK YOUR MOTHER.
IT'S CALLED A DAISHIKI.
THIS WAS THE FUBU OF THE '70s.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
WELL, I'M HAVING TROUBLE WRITING SONGS.
I CAN'T GET IT TO FLOW THE WAY I WANT IT TO.
WELL, HAVE YOU CAME UP WITH A MELODY?
THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A THEME
OR A MELODY, THEN YOU BUILD AROUND THAT.
GREAT. HOW DO YOU WRITE A MELODY?
WELL, YOU JUST DON'T WRITE IT, YOU GOT TO FEEL IT.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO,
BUT I SEEM TO HAVE HIT A DEAD END.
JUNIOR, CREATIVITY IS ELUSIVE.
YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR MUSE.
MY WHAT?
YOUR INSPIRATION -- WHAT'LL TAKE YOU TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
FOR VAN GOGH, HE CUT HIS EAR OFF FOR A WOMAN.
ME, I HAD THREE MOUTHS TO FEED.
YOU KNOW, MIKE TYSON, IT WAS STAYING OUT OF JAIL.
WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
VIDEO GAMES, PORK RINDS...
AND NAKED WOMEN.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, THAT'S YOUR FIRST VERSE.
GREAT. THANKS, DAD.
♪ VIDEO GAMES, PORK RINDS, AND ♪
♪ NAKED WOMEN ♪
WHAT RHYMES WITH "PORK RINDS"?
VENETIAN BLINDS?
AW, MAN, THIS ISN'T WORKING. WE'VE GOT NO INSPIRATION.
WELL, I GOT A LITTLE INSPIRATION RIGHT HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
YOU CAN'T BRING A JOINT IN MY HOUSE.
MY DAD WILL KILL ME.
WELL, THEN LET'S GET RID OF IT.
HOW?
BEST WAY IS TO BURN IT.
I DON'T KNOW, TOMMY.
LOOK, ALL THE GREATS USE THIS STUFF.
YOUR DAD TALKED ABOUT JIMI.
JIMI WAS SO HIGH HE KISSED THE SKY.
BOB MARLEY,
ALL THE ROLLING STONES,
THE BEATLES, SNOOP, AND DRE.
CLINTON.
YOU WANT TO UNLOCK YOUR MIND, THIS IS THE KEY.
HEY, BABY.
YOU LOOK LIKE A VIRGIN WITH THREE KIDS.
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
UH, UH, TOMMY BROUGHT OVER HIS COSBY ALBUM.
DO YOU KNOW THAT GUY WAS REALLY FUNNY?
[ Imitating Bill Cosby ] WHAT DO YOU MEANWASFUNNY?
COSBYISFUNNY BECAUSE HE SMOKES AND...
[ MUMBLES ]
I WISH I HAD A CIGAR, BUT I GOT ASTHMA,
AND THEY WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
ARE YOU OKAY, MR. KYLE?
[ Normal voice ] JUST DOING MY COSBY IMPRESSION.
MOM, CAN WE TAKE SOME FOOD UPSTAIRS?
UH, YES, IF YOU PROMISE TO BE CAREFUL
AND CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES.
YEAH, WE PROMISE.
ALL RIGHT.
[ As Cosby ] MAYBE THEY WANT SOME JELL-O PUDDING POPS.
NO. SO, HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING
YOU WANT ME TO THROW OUT YET?
YES, THAT OUTFIT YOU HAVE ON RIGHT NOW.
HA HA HA.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
CHECK YOU GUYS LATER.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
OH, I DROPPED IT.
THEM FOOLS IS STONED.
I'M GOING TO KNOCK THEIR HEADS TOGETHER SO HARD
THEY SHARE A CHIN.
BABY, NO, NO, NO, NO. WHAT?
NOTHING YOU SAY TO THEM IS GOING TO MAKE SENSE.
THEY'RE GOING TO FORGET IT. THEY'RE HIGH.
SO WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO -- NOTHING?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT. LET'S MESS WITH THEIR HEADS.
Michael: OKAY, YOU READY?
Jay: UH-HUH.
HEY, JUNIOR, TOMMY, Y'ALL COME DOWNSTAIRS!
YOU GOT TO SEE THIS. HA HA HA HA.
HEE HEE HEE HEE.
WHAT'S UP, POP?
WHAT IS THIS SHOW? YOU EVER SEE THIS SHOW BEFORE?
HA HA HA HA.
WHAT'S THAT?
HE WAS IN "THE INVISIBLE MAN." WHAT'S HIS NAME?
I CAN'T REMEMBER, DAD.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
WHO IS IT?
I SAID I CAN'T REMEMBER, DAD.
NO, GET THE DOOR. SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
COULD YOU SEE WHO THAT IS? YOU HEAR THE DOOR, BOY.
YEAH, SURE.
I'LL -- I'LL HELP.
WHAT DID YOU GIVE ME, MAN?
THINGS ARE STARTING TO GET WEIRD.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THIS STUFF MUST BE STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT.
Both: OH, MAN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? THERE'S NOBODY THERE.
OH, THAT'S PROBABLY THE KNOCK FROM THE OTHER DAY. RIGHT.
Both: OH, MAN.
ARE YOU OKAY, JUNIOR?
YEAH, I'M FINE, MOM.
TOMMY, PLEASE, I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY SON.
[ SPEAKS GIBBERISH ]
I HAVE TO GO NOW.
OH, OFF YOU DO? UNDERSTAND.
BE TO PARENTS FISH NOR FOWL. OR PORK.
I'LL TELL THEM ANYTHING. JUST LET ME GET OUT OF HERE.
NOW, NOW, WAIT.
BE REALLY CAREFUL GOING HOME.
THERE'S A KILLER ON THE LOOSE.
YEAH, HE'S LOOKING FOR THE BLACK BACKSTREET BOY.
I'M GOING TO BED NOW.
WAIT, SON. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
VERY...IMPORTANT...THAT I... WHEN I W...
'BOUT THAT BIG, I...CAME...
SEVENTH...AND I...MAMA!
AND I WENT TO SLEEP, AND...CIRCUMCISION.
JUST LIKE THAT.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
JUNIOR! BABY --
WHAT IS IT?
JUNIOR'S SAYING SOMETHING REALLY STRANGE.
WHAT IS IT, SON? TALK TO ME. WHAT IS IT?
I WANT TO GO LIE DOWN.
WHAT?
I WANT TO GO LIE DOWN.
DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT.
GO APOLOGIZE. APOLOGIZE.
LOOK HER IN THE EYE AND SAY, "I'M SORRY."
MOM, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S NOT YOUR MOTHER. RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW YOUR MOTHER WHEN YOU SEE HER.
MOM, I'M SORRY.
NOW GIVE HER A HUG.
GIVE YOUR MOTHER A HUG.
A BIG HUG.
NOW A KISS.
KISS YOUR MOTHER.
DON'T PUT NO TONGUE IN YOUR MOTHER'S MOUTH.
GET OUT OF HERE, BOY!
OH, MAN!
HA HA HA HA.
HEY, LOOK WHO'S HOME.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE SOME FENCES TO MEND
WITH YOUR SISTER.
DADDY, SHE'S EXTRA BAGGAGE.
SHE'S ANNOYING.
YEAH, AND SO WERE YOU AT THAT AGE.
THE POINT IS, YOU'RE HER HERO.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR FUN.
SHE JUST WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU,
SEE WHAT MAKES CLAIRE TICK, BECAUSE IN HER LITTLE MIND,
WHEN SHE GROWS UP, SHE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.
YEAH, I KNOW.
SO THE QUESTION IS ARE YOU ACTING
LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU'D LIKE TO SEE HER BECOME?
SO, YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME, HUH?
YEP.
THAT'S A REALLY PRETTY DOLL. WHAT'S HER NAME?
CLAIRE.
OH.
LISTEN, I REALLY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
I DUMPED YOU THE OTHER DAY, AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M REALLY SORRY, KADY.
SOMETIMES I CAN BE REALLY SELFISH.
I MEAN, I DON'T MEAN TO BE.
IT'S JUST --
I'LL TRY NOT TO LET THAT HAPPEN NEXT TIME.
SO, WILL YOU FORGIVE ME?
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
MM, GLITTER NAIL POLISH.
I LOVE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, THEN. LET'S GET TO WORK.
HEY, HEARD YOU HAD A HEADACHE.
YEAH.
[ SLAMS DOOR ]
I HAD A TOUGH NIGHT.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, I WROTE A SONG ABOUT THAT.
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
[ PLAYING KEYBOARD ]
♪ MY SON GOT HOLD OF A REEFER LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HIT HIM ♪
♪ WITH THE LEFT OR RIGHT ♪
♪ HE PROBABLY THOUGHT DADDY WOULDN'T CARE ♪
♪ BUT IF HE DO IT AGAIN ♪
♪ MY OLDEST KID GONNA BE CLAIRE ♪
I'M SORRY, DAD.
YOU'RE SORRY. I'M SORRY TOO, SON.
YOU KNOW PEOPLE DO DRUGS SO THAT THEY CAN ESCAPE?
WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM --
A NICE HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU?
NO, I JUST WANTED TO EXPAND MY MIND.
I WANTED TO BE LIKE HENDRIX.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? HENDRIX IS DEAD.
TRY TO BE LIKE SOMEONE WHO'S ALIVE.
AND NOT ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
DID YOU TRY IT WHEN YOU WERE MY AGE?
NO, I NEVER DID DRUGS, I NEVER BROKE THE LAW,
AND THE FIRST, LAST, AND ONLY TIMES I HAD SEX
WAS WHEN YOU GUYS WERE CONCEIVED.
COME ON, DAD. I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
OKAY, I DID DO IT ONCE, AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DID IT BECAUSE OF MY FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF I HAD THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER
THAT I THOUGHT I HAD WITH YOU,
I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT THAT TIME.
BUT, DAD, EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS TRIED IT.
SON, THE WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE DOING STUPID THINGS,
AND THEY TRY TO JUSTIFY IT.
LIKE, "DUDE, YOU KNOW, THIS IS, LIKE, NATURAL.
"WEED IS FROM THE EARTH.
"IT'S LIKE RAISINS AND APPLES AND PUMPKIN SEEDS
EXCEPT YOU SMOKE IT."
IT'S SELF-DESTRUCTIVE,
AND I HOPE YOU DON'T DO THAT.
BUT, DAD, THERE'S ALL TYPES OF STUFF AROUND ME.
I KNOW, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED IN LIFE.
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER
IS YOU AND THE THINGS THAT YOU DO.
YEAH, I GUESS.
LOOK, SON, TALK TO ME.
WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DOING SOMETHING STUPID,
COME TO YOUR FATHER, OKAY?
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU TO DRUGS OR ANYTHING ELSE.
OKAY. I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.
I'LL NEVER SMOKE DOPE AGAIN.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH. I MEAN, I HATED IT.
THINGS KEPT CHANGING, AND YOU WERE IN SLOW MOTION,
AND -- AND I COULDN'T TALK, I COULDN'T HEAR,
AND IT WAS TERRIFYING.
WOW. I HEAR THAT HAPPENS EVERY TIME YOU DO IT.
WOW.
AND THEN IT GETS WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.
OH, MAN.
YEAH. SOMETIMES THE EFFECTS...
MAY GO...YOU GOT... FOREV...AND...GET...
NO, MICHAEL.
NO, NOT "SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER," PLEASE.
NOPE. "FANTASY ISLAND."
YOU'RE MR. ROARKE?
[ Imitating Herve Villechaize ] NO, I'M TATTOO.
I AM TATTOO'S FANTASY -- TALL, BLACK, AND HANDSOME,
BUT I STILL WANT TO LOOK UP YOUR DRESS, PLEASE.
EW! EW! NO, MICHAEL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORK LIKE THAT.
WHY NOT? YOU DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE JOHN TRAVOLTA?
I THINK YOU LOOK LIKE UNCLE BEN.
I FEEL LIKE HIS COUSIN,
THE DUDE FROM THE CREAM OF WHEAT BOX.
ALL RIGHT, SO I WIN? TRUCE?
YES. I GET TO KEEP ALL MY STUFF?
ALL OF THEM, PLEASE, YES.
OKAY, PACK THEM UP IN A BOX AND GET RID OF THIS GARBAGE.