1 00:00:13,525 --> 00:00:14,583 Where's our food? 2 00:00:14,584 --> 00:00:17,500 It's... the service of this place, it's horrible. 3 00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:18,667 - Taking a year. - I know. 4 00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:20,541 - What the hell? - I know. 5 00:00:20,542 --> 00:00:22,083 I confirmed it, by the way. 6 00:00:22,084 --> 00:00:24,750 Cheryl and Ted are a thing. 7 00:00:24,751 --> 00:00:27,333 They went to Hawaii together. 8 00:00:27,334 --> 00:00:30,333 - Really? - Yeah. Yeah. 9 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:33,792 - Jeez. - So, this is really hard to look at. 10 00:00:33,793 --> 00:00:35,667 Yeah, well, how do you think I feel? 11 00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:37,041 - You think I enjoy it? - Okay. 12 00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:39,083 I never should've done that show. 13 00:00:39,084 --> 00:00:40,500 That "Kimmel" show. 14 00:00:40,501 --> 00:00:42,249 God damn it. 15 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,958 Hi, I'm the manager. 16 00:00:43,959 --> 00:00:45,583 There's been a delay in your meals. 17 00:00:45,584 --> 00:00:47,124 I'm very sorry. 18 00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:49,291 There's been a disturbance in the kitchen. 19 00:00:49,292 --> 00:00:50,833 But we're taking care of it. Thanks. 20 00:00:50,834 --> 00:00:52,625 Well, what kind of disturbance? 21 00:00:52,626 --> 00:00:55,792 A general disturbance. 22 00:00:55,793 --> 00:00:58,124 What's a general disturbance? 23 00:00:58,125 --> 00:01:01,708 Well, let's just say it was a minor hiccup. 24 00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:03,917 Well, was it a hiccup or a disturbance? 25 00:01:03,918 --> 00:01:05,625 It's such a small disturbance, 26 00:01:05,626 --> 00:01:07,958 it might be either one. 27 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,375 What, it's like... was the chef angry 28 00:01:09,376 --> 00:01:11,458 or did somebody drop some pots and pans? 29 00:01:11,459 --> 00:01:12,159 What happened? 30 00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:14,999 Let's just say the disturbance happened. 31 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,792 Okay, that's a fact, 32 00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:18,875 and we're taking care of it, okay? 33 00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:19,833 Are you listening to this? 34 00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:21,333 - Wait a second. - I am. 35 00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:23,208 How come you won't tell me what the disturbance was? 36 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,708 Oh, well, that's a very good question, 37 00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,500 - and I'm on top of it. - Well, thank you. 38 00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,500 I'm glad you thought it was a good question 39 00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,500 because it was a really atrocious answer. 40 00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:34,500 - Well, I beg to differ. - Let me ask you this question. 41 00:01:34,501 --> 00:01:36,667 How in God's name did you get this job? 42 00:01:36,668 --> 00:01:40,082 I am great at dealing with these disturbances. 43 00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,083 Yes, really? 44 00:01:41,084 --> 00:01:44,083 I'm asking that because you come off as quite a goofball. 45 00:01:44,084 --> 00:01:46,166 I'm gonna take that as a compliment. 46 00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:47,083 It's not. 47 00:01:47,084 --> 00:01:48,667 Delicious meal, by the way. 48 00:01:48,668 --> 00:01:51,667 Did I mention that? Oh, gosh, I'm jealous. 49 00:01:51,668 --> 00:01:54,208 Is there any question that you will answer? 50 00:01:54,209 --> 00:01:55,958 Because you haven't answered one question yet. 51 00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:58,333 For example, what color is your tie? 52 00:01:58,334 --> 00:02:00,208 - Let me just say this. - Uh-huh. 53 00:02:00,209 --> 00:02:02,249 - I am wearing a tie. - Yes, you are. 54 00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:06,041 - What color is it? - I believe the tie is self-evident. 55 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:08,541 So, the color is there. 56 00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:09,958 - Okay. - Okay, great. 57 00:02:09,959 --> 00:02:12,875 - All right. - Thank you. 58 00:02:14,542 --> 00:02:15,999 What the hell was that? 59 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,416 Why wouldn't he tell me what it was? 60 00:02:17,417 --> 00:02:19,458 - What's the big secret? - I don't know. 61 00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:22,041 - I'm going to the bathroom. - All right. 62 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,667 - Excuse me. - Oh, I'm sorry, sir. 63 00:02:41,668 --> 00:02:43,041 The restroom's down the hallway. 64 00:02:43,042 --> 00:02:45,875 - Are you the chef? - Yes. Yes, I am. 65 00:02:45,876 --> 00:02:48,625 Oh, okay... 66 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:49,917 I was sitting at my table, 67 00:02:49,918 --> 00:02:51,083 the manager came over to us 68 00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:53,249 and said the food was gonna be delayed 69 00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:55,583 because there was a disturbance in the kitchen. 70 00:02:55,584 --> 00:02:57,208 Oh, yes, I'm sorry about that, sir. 71 00:02:57,209 --> 00:02:59,291 There was a small disturbance in the kitchen, 72 00:02:59,292 --> 00:03:01,416 but if you go have a seat, we'll get your food right out to you. 73 00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:02,750 Yeah, I know, thanks. 74 00:03:02,751 --> 00:03:04,249 That's okay. I mean, everything's fine. 75 00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,833 I was just wondering, 76 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,833 you know, what the disturbance was. 77 00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:09,708 Regular kitchen disturbance. 78 00:03:09,709 --> 00:03:11,333 They happen all the time. Nothing to worry about. 79 00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:13,208 You mean somebody dropped pots and pans or something? 80 00:03:13,209 --> 00:03:15,999 - Is that what happened? - It's not that big of a deal, sir. 81 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,249 It was a minor disturbance that we have since taken care of. 82 00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:20,999 - Minor? - It was perfectly minor. 83 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,208 If it was, then my food would not have been delayed by 15 minutes. 84 00:03:23,209 --> 00:03:26,667 - A slight delay in your food. - It was more than a slight delay. 85 00:03:26,668 --> 00:03:28,750 - Sir. Sir. - Tell the truth about the disturbance. 86 00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,333 It wasn't minor, it was major. 87 00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:32,208 What is this, an investigation? 88 00:03:32,209 --> 00:03:33,792 This is a kitchen, sir. 89 00:03:33,793 --> 00:03:35,958 I'm just trying to get some food to some hungry people. 90 00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:38,458 That's all I wanna do. And then I wanna go home. 91 00:03:38,459 --> 00:03:39,958 - Are you a married man? - Yes. 92 00:03:39,959 --> 00:03:42,792 - Do you have children? - Yes. 93 00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:45,541 All right, so you're having a wonderful afternoon with the wife and kids, 94 00:03:45,542 --> 00:03:47,875 you go out to the post office to get the mail. 95 00:03:47,876 --> 00:03:50,083 You come back, you hear a big crash, you open the door, 96 00:03:50,084 --> 00:03:52,291 and your kids are sprawled out, unconscious on the floor. 97 00:03:52,292 --> 00:03:54,458 You say to your wife, "What happened?" 98 00:03:54,459 --> 00:03:56,667 And she goes, "Oh, there was a disturbance." 99 00:03:56,668 --> 00:03:58,416 And you go, "What was the disturbance?" 100 00:03:58,417 --> 00:04:01,291 She goes, "No, I don't wanna tell you." How would you feel? 101 00:04:01,292 --> 00:04:03,224 I would want to know what the disturbance was. 102 00:04:03,225 --> 00:04:04,625 That's exactly right! 103 00:04:04,626 --> 00:04:06,583 That's a very specific situation, sir! 104 00:04:06,584 --> 00:04:11,333 You'd want to know what the disturbance was, just like me! 105 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,833 There's no children here! 106 00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,750 You're acting like a child. 107 00:04:14,751 --> 00:04:16,875 You're the child who's keeping a little secret. 108 00:04:16,876 --> 00:04:18,208 - Yes. - You got a little secret. 109 00:04:18,209 --> 00:04:19,792 - No, no, I'm the parent. - Oh! 110 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,041 I'm the parent who has to worry about all the things. 111 00:04:22,042 --> 00:04:23,541 - I gotta worry about getting the food... - No. 112 00:04:23,542 --> 00:04:25,917 ...preparing the food, and then giving it to you... 113 00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:30,124 No, you're the little baby who won't tell Daddy what happened. 114 00:04:30,125 --> 00:04:33,875 - Please leave, sir. - With pleasure. 115 00:04:33,876 --> 00:04:36,166 All right, fine. 116 00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:38,541 I'm coming! Bye. 117 00:04:38,542 --> 00:04:40,208 - We gotta go. - What? 118 00:04:40,209 --> 00:04:44,166 Yeah, Susie's little sister didn't come home last night. 119 00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:45,999 - Little sister? - You know, she's part of that 120 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,166 big sister, little sister mentoring program. 121 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:49,667 - Oh. - The girl's staying with us, 122 00:04:49,668 --> 00:04:51,541 and she didn't come home last night. 123 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:54,276 - Can I help you with anything? - No, we're good. We're leaving. 124 00:04:54,277 --> 00:04:56,999 That whole disturbance thing threw us for a loop. 125 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,708 Well, yeah, I'm taking care of it. 126 00:04:58,709 --> 00:05:01,209 We're too disturbed to eat right now. 127 00:05:03,626 --> 00:05:06,249 Wow, look at this thing. 128 00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,625 New Tesla. 129 00:05:07,626 --> 00:05:09,249 - Nice. - Yeah. 130 00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:11,083 - Whose is it? - Ted. 131 00:05:11,084 --> 00:05:12,708 Holy cow. 132 00:05:12,709 --> 00:05:15,249 She didn't come home. I don't know where the hell she is. 133 00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:17,583 I've called everybody. What can I do? 134 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:21,541 - Oh, finally. Jeff, she's not back! - I know, I'm sorry. 135 00:05:21,542 --> 00:05:22,832 Come here, I wanna show you the tapes. 136 00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:23,833 Hi, Ted Danson. 137 00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:25,208 Yeah, it's me, asshole. 138 00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,875 Okay? It's my fatwa disguise. 139 00:05:27,876 --> 00:05:30,708 - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. 140 00:05:30,709 --> 00:05:33,625 He was at the hotel. 141 00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:36,500 I'm sorry, were you just at a hotel in the Marina, following us? 142 00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:38,917 - You were following us, weren't you? - I was not following you. 143 00:05:38,918 --> 00:05:42,083 I was in the hotel. That's where I was hiding. 144 00:05:42,084 --> 00:05:43,541 Why didn't you say hi? 145 00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:45,999 I was going to, but I had to talk to the hotel manager 146 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,416 about the pickle jar. 147 00:05:47,417 --> 00:05:49,166 - The pickle jar? - The pickle jar. 148 00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,041 Yeah, everybody wants to open a pickle jar. 149 00:05:51,042 --> 00:05:53,375 - Don't you wanna open a pickle jar? - Okay. 150 00:05:53,376 --> 00:05:55,349 Could you get me some sparkling water, please? 151 00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:56,550 Yes. 152 00:05:56,751 --> 00:05:58,999 Oh, and T, can you get a lemon with that, please? 153 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,625 T? Oh, "T"? 154 00:06:01,626 --> 00:06:05,041 - What is that? It's unseemly. - It's short for Ted. 155 00:06:05,042 --> 00:06:06,708 You never gave me any little nicknames. 156 00:06:06,709 --> 00:06:08,917 Could've called me L. You didn't call me L. 157 00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,416 You didn't call me D. 158 00:06:10,417 --> 00:06:12,291 You could've called me "Elvid." 159 00:06:12,292 --> 00:06:14,208 - I'm sorry, "Elvid"? - Yeah, "Elvid." 160 00:06:14,209 --> 00:06:15,999 - As a term of endearment? - Yeah. 161 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,458 Like, "Let's spoon, Elvid"? 162 00:06:18,459 --> 00:06:20,124 - Yeah, "Elvid." - Okay. 163 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:21,667 You know what? Enough with this bullshit, all right? 164 00:06:21,668 --> 00:06:23,625 Enough with the nicknames. Nobody gives a shit. 165 00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:26,124 We're looking for my little sister. We have to find her. 166 00:06:26,125 --> 00:06:27,833 She's 15. How do you know she's gone? 167 00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,500 She's probably at her boyfriend's house. 168 00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:31,249 She doesn't have a boyfriend. 169 00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:35,041 This kid, Larry, oh! She is so talented. 170 00:06:35,042 --> 00:06:36,916 You think Sammi was talented at her age? 171 00:06:36,917 --> 00:06:37,917 No, I don't. 172 00:06:37,918 --> 00:06:39,249 Oh, stop it! Look at this. 173 00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,124 Look at this tape. Look at that dancing. 174 00:06:41,125 --> 00:06:43,291 Huh? Is that amaz... look at her, oh. 175 00:06:43,292 --> 00:06:44,917 Got attitude. 176 00:06:44,918 --> 00:06:46,291 It's wonderful. Okay, I've seen plenty. 177 00:06:46,292 --> 00:06:47,291 Thank you, I got it. 178 00:06:47,292 --> 00:06:48,500 I get it. I got it. 179 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,124 What do you get? You don't get shit. 180 00:06:50,125 --> 00:06:52,375 - I got it. - All right, we gotta find the kid! 181 00:06:52,376 --> 00:06:53,499 What, do you want me to watch the whole dance recital? 182 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,750 Yes, I do, all right? 183 00:06:54,751 --> 00:06:56,874 We're gonna form a search party and find her. 184 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,875 A search party? 185 00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:00,291 What are we, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in 1870? 186 00:07:00,292 --> 00:07:01,750 Find her! Let's go. 187 00:07:01,751 --> 00:07:03,166 - Everybody, split up. - Yes. 188 00:07:03,167 --> 00:07:05,041 Let's go. Split up. 189 00:07:05,042 --> 00:07:06,458 I thought you were okay with this. 190 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,583 - What's going on, man? - Hey, do me a favor. 191 00:07:08,584 --> 00:07:09,333 Yeah. 192 00:07:09,334 --> 00:07:11,333 Can I look for the kid in your Tesla? 193 00:07:11,334 --> 00:07:12,458 I'd like to drive it. 194 00:07:12,459 --> 00:07:14,333 - All right, okay. - Thanks, T. 195 00:07:30,501 --> 00:07:32,958 Come on. 196 00:07:37,376 --> 00:07:38,542 What? 197 00:07:40,751 --> 00:07:43,166 - What? - I don't appreciate that beep, sir. 198 00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:46,208 Oh, well, you know, the light had turned green 199 00:07:46,209 --> 00:07:47,708 and I gave you time. 200 00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:49,416 You must've drifted off or something. 201 00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:51,375 - No, I didn't drift. - Were you daydreaming? 202 00:07:51,376 --> 00:07:54,041 No, I was doing important police business. 203 00:07:54,042 --> 00:07:56,208 Well, with all due respect, a green light is not the time 204 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,875 to be doing police business. 205 00:07:57,876 --> 00:07:59,625 Sir, I don't appreciate 206 00:07:59,626 --> 00:08:01,083 the aggressiveness of the beep. 207 00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:02,667 Oh, yeah, well, you know what? 208 00:08:02,668 --> 00:08:05,500 This is my friend's car and I'm not really attuned 209 00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:08,041 to the subtleties of the horn yet. 210 00:08:08,042 --> 00:08:11,583 It was merely just a reminder beep, a subtle way of telling you, 211 00:08:11,584 --> 00:08:13,041 "Time to go. 212 00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:15,541 Let's get moving. Move it on." 213 00:08:15,542 --> 00:08:17,375 License and registration, please. 214 00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:19,416 - I'm gonna write you a ticket. - A ticket? 215 00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:22,041 It was a bad decision on your part to honk at a police officer. 216 00:08:22,042 --> 00:08:23,708 Oh, what... why? Are you above the beep? 217 00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:25,999 Absolutely. I'm a police officer. I protect your rights. 218 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,667 My rights to beep. 219 00:08:27,668 --> 00:08:29,291 - That's one of my rights. - Yeah, but you don't... 220 00:08:29,292 --> 00:08:30,667 Beeping, that's a right. 221 00:08:30,668 --> 00:08:32,541 That's America. We're allowed to beep. 222 00:08:32,542 --> 00:08:34,124 Yeah? Well, I'm allowed to write this ticket. 223 00:08:34,125 --> 00:08:35,750 Good. Write it. 224 00:08:35,751 --> 00:08:37,166 You getting smart with me, boy? 225 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,583 I'm not getting smart. I am smart, by the way. 226 00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:40,999 - I'm smart. - Yeah. 227 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,083 And of course I'll be protesting this ticket. 228 00:08:43,084 --> 00:08:45,917 I hope you enjoy your day in court. 229 00:08:45,918 --> 00:08:48,917 Here you go. Have a nice day. 230 00:08:48,918 --> 00:08:50,541 - Thank you. - Thank you. 231 00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:53,458 You made my day. No one's above the beep. 232 00:08:53,459 --> 00:08:55,875 No one! 233 00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:06,792 - Mm. - They're not coming. 234 00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:07,626 No. 235 00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:12,291 - They're not coming. - No. 236 00:09:12,292 --> 00:09:15,750 Not even a text. 237 00:09:15,751 --> 00:09:17,958 You know why? They're afraid to be on the text chain. 238 00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,416 - Yep. - 'Cause of the fatwa. 239 00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:20,999 Mm-hmm. 240 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,083 That's fucked up. 241 00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:25,875 They are really showing their true colors. 242 00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,291 They don't have no colors. 243 00:09:27,292 --> 00:09:29,458 They're white. There's no fucking color. 244 00:09:29,459 --> 00:09:31,291 I should just have over black friends. 245 00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:34,249 If you want, I'll go over there and fuck somebody ass up. 246 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,792 I'll take Swat over there. 247 00:09:35,793 --> 00:09:37,792 I seen Swat kick a motherfucker one night 248 00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:40,667 and broke his fucking back like this. 249 00:09:40,668 --> 00:09:43,124 He turned that motherfucker into a human wallet. 250 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,375 What did the guy do? 251 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,500 Motherfucker started mumbling. 252 00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,500 The one thing you don't wanna do 253 00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:51,291 around Swat is to speak under your breath. 254 00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:54,500 I can't mumble at all? I like to mumble. 255 00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:56,333 Don't mumble about him. 256 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:57,500 Hey, let me ask you a question. 257 00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,667 Have you seen my sunglasses? 258 00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:01,583 My... you know, my Dr. Strangelove sunglasses? 259 00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,833 I know what you're talking about, but, no, I haven't seen them. 260 00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:06,500 I've been looking all over for them. I love those glasses. 261 00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:09,500 Swat, God damn! 262 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,083 What the fuck's going on in there, man? 263 00:10:11,084 --> 00:10:13,416 I'm cooking, man. Nothing going on. Just cooking. 264 00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:14,833 You're causing a fucking disturbance. 265 00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,667 Yeah, yeah, you're making a disturbance. 266 00:10:16,668 --> 00:10:18,958 This ain't no disturbance. I'm cooking chicken spaghetti. 267 00:10:18,959 --> 00:10:21,375 No, it's not up to you to say whether it's a disturbance or not. 268 00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:23,917 We're the ones being disturbed. It's our call. 269 00:10:23,918 --> 00:10:26,375 Yeah. No, he wasn't making a fucking disturbance, was he? 270 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:28,958 - That's not a disturbance. - What the fuck you say? 271 00:10:28,959 --> 00:10:32,625 Oh... no, it's his turn to deal. 272 00:10:32,626 --> 00:10:34,375 We're playing War. 273 00:10:34,376 --> 00:10:37,375 We're playing cards. 274 00:10:37,376 --> 00:10:40,541 I just fucking told you, don't talk under your breath. 275 00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:42,792 You wanna get fucked up? 276 00:10:42,793 --> 00:10:46,458 Okay, well, this is the coup de grâce. 277 00:10:46,459 --> 00:10:50,333 They canceled golf on Saturday. 278 00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:53,291 Oh, man, I can't live like this anymore. 279 00:10:53,292 --> 00:10:54,584 I just can't. 280 00:10:57,959 --> 00:11:00,376 There's only one man who could help me. 281 00:11:10,084 --> 00:11:12,416 - Yes? - Yeah, it's Larry David. 282 00:11:19,584 --> 00:11:20,917 - Mr. David? - Yes, sir. 283 00:11:20,918 --> 00:11:24,249 We've been expecting you. Please come in. 284 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,876 Okay. 285 00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:31,918 And if you'd follow me. 286 00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,250 This way. 287 00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:43,583 Mr. David is here now, sir. 288 00:11:43,584 --> 00:11:47,166 Oh, Mr. David, come in. Please have a seat. 289 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,500 Thank you. Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Rushdie. 290 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,416 - No, call me Salman. - It's not "Salmon"? 291 00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:53,483 "Saul-mahn." 292 00:11:53,484 --> 00:11:56,083 Salman? There's an accent on the second syllable. 293 00:11:56,084 --> 00:11:59,124 Exactly. Now, tell me why you're here. 294 00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:02,958 Oh, well, I'm sure you, uh... you've heard about... 295 00:12:02,959 --> 00:12:04,208 Yeah, I heard about your problem. 296 00:12:04,209 --> 00:12:05,958 And I thought if there's anybody 297 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,750 who could understand what I'm going through, it's you. 298 00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:10,792 And to tell you the truth, I'm at my wit's end. 299 00:12:10,793 --> 00:12:14,041 Let me tell you something. It took me a long time. 300 00:12:14,042 --> 00:12:16,708 It took me maybe several years 301 00:12:16,709 --> 00:12:19,500 to get to the point that I'm going to talk to you about now. 302 00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:21,041 I want to give you a shortcut, 303 00:12:21,042 --> 00:12:23,625 which is that, yeah, it is all those things. 304 00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:27,041 It can be scary, it can be bewildering, et cetera. 305 00:12:27,042 --> 00:12:30,333 But there are things that you gain. 306 00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:31,875 There are a lot of women 307 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:35,792 who are attracted to you in this condition. 308 00:12:35,793 --> 00:12:37,833 Really? I didn't think there was any condition 309 00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,376 - that they'd be attracted to me. - You are a dangerous man. 310 00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:43,583 There are very beautiful women 311 00:12:43,584 --> 00:12:45,208 who like that. 312 00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:46,917 - Really? - Yeah. 313 00:12:46,918 --> 00:12:48,416 Even with me they would like it? 314 00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:49,833 It's not exactly you; 315 00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:52,708 it's the fatwa wrapped around you. 316 00:12:52,709 --> 00:12:54,500 Like kind of sexy pixie dust. 317 00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:55,333 Huh! 318 00:12:55,334 --> 00:12:58,333 But you have to stop acting like a wuss. 319 00:12:58,334 --> 00:13:02,208 I mean, look at you. You look like a person trying to hide. 320 00:13:02,209 --> 00:13:04,416 - That's exactly right. - That is not sexy. 321 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:09,083 Be a man, stop this, and fatwa sex will follow. 322 00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:12,792 - Fatwa sex? - The best sex there is. 323 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,708 - Wow! - Yes. 324 00:13:14,709 --> 00:13:17,083 What about the fatwa itself? I don't... 325 00:13:17,084 --> 00:13:19,833 You know, you've survived many, many years now. 326 00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,625 Well, it's, you know... it's there. 327 00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,541 - Yeah. - But fuck it. 328 00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:25,750 Mm, yeah, the "fuck it" philosophy. 329 00:13:25,751 --> 00:13:27,917 It's a tough one. I've tried it with orthotics. 330 00:13:27,918 --> 00:13:29,708 It didn't really work very well. 331 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,375 No, no, you're... look, you're being pathetic. 332 00:13:31,376 --> 00:13:33,375 - Let me help you. - What? 333 00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:35,875 There. Now, look, there you are. 334 00:13:35,876 --> 00:13:38,166 You're a man of danger. 335 00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:41,792 The fatwa sex is beginning to circle around you, 336 00:13:41,793 --> 00:13:43,249 so be a man now. 337 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:46,249 Let's go out, get a bite to eat. 338 00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:47,501 Trust me. 339 00:13:50,042 --> 00:13:51,875 Let's eat! 340 00:13:51,876 --> 00:13:55,249 That's my boy. 341 00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:58,625 Hello. Table for two, please. 342 00:13:58,626 --> 00:14:01,083 Of course, Mr. Rushdie. Hello, Mr. David. 343 00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:11,708 Turn around, turn around. 344 00:14:11,709 --> 00:14:13,625 - Look. - Oh. It's him. 345 00:14:13,626 --> 00:14:15,250 Oh, my God. 346 00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,667 And your server will be right with you guys. 347 00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:23,833 - Thank you. - Sure. 348 00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:26,875 Okay, so, you see? It's not so bad. 349 00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:30,541 Yeah, I'm in a restaurant having... having lunch. 350 00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:32,708 You're not behind some stupid mask. 351 00:14:32,709 --> 00:14:35,750 You can go in a supermarket, go to a ball game. 352 00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:39,083 - You'll be a person. - You know what? 353 00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,458 I'm feeling a lot better about things. 354 00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:41,792 Now, tell me something. 355 00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,917 This musical, it's about me, right? 356 00:14:43,918 --> 00:14:46,708 - Yes. - So, I mean, I'm interested. 357 00:14:46,709 --> 00:14:48,333 Who have you got playing me? 358 00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:51,708 Oh, well, of course, now, because of this whole fatwa thing, 359 00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:53,124 it's probably not gonna happen. 360 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,291 But the guy I had in mind 361 00:14:55,292 --> 00:14:59,249 was actually Jason Alexander. 362 00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:01,958 You mean, like, "George" Jason Alexander? 363 00:15:01,959 --> 00:15:04,291 No, you know, that was just a character that he played. 364 00:15:04,292 --> 00:15:06,875 - Ja... you know... - There's no remote resemblance. 365 00:15:06,876 --> 00:15:09,792 I mean, he's short. He's a lot shorter than me. 366 00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:11,583 He's not... a lot shorter? What? 367 00:15:11,584 --> 00:15:14,124 - He's not that much shorter. - Inches. 368 00:15:14,125 --> 00:15:16,083 Hmm. Well, who are you thinking about? 369 00:15:16,084 --> 00:15:18,083 I'm thinking about, you know, Hugh Jackman. 370 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,291 - That's good. - Hugh Jackman? 371 00:15:20,292 --> 00:15:23,166 - Yeah, he's a triple threat. - Are you out of your fucking mind? 372 00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:24,999 He can sing, he can dance, he can act. 373 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,583 - Yeah. - He could totally play me. 374 00:15:26,584 --> 00:15:29,083 I think you're delusional. Anyway, it's all moot. 375 00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:31,166 What's the difference, you know? It's not gonna happen. 376 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,458 All right, well, that's a relief. 377 00:15:32,459 --> 00:15:33,583 It's too bad, too, 378 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,667 because what you said about fatwa sex? 379 00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:36,917 - Yes. - Oh, my God. 380 00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,667 I would've put that right in the show. 381 00:15:38,668 --> 00:15:41,708 - That is so perfect. - But that is not the only benefit. 382 00:15:41,709 --> 00:15:44,500 For example, you don't have to go to anything 383 00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:45,833 you don't want to go to. 384 00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,625 - Hmm. - So, like, your cousin 385 00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:51,833 is giving a reading of his lousy poetry book, 386 00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:53,875 and you say, "Sorry, can't make it. 387 00:15:53,876 --> 00:15:55,625 - Fatwa." - Fatwa. 388 00:15:55,626 --> 00:15:58,458 Somebody calls you, says, "Can you come pick me up at the airport?" 389 00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,999 You say, "Can't make it. Fatwa. Can't make it." 390 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,999 This is a fatwa "Life of Riley." 391 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,917 - Yeah, with added death threats. - With the death threats, yeah. 392 00:16:05,918 --> 00:16:09,625 You know what's happening? I'm feeling, uh, pretty good. 393 00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:11,917 Pretty, pretty good. 394 00:16:11,918 --> 00:16:14,584 Compliments of the lady. 395 00:16:19,042 --> 00:16:21,208 Oh, my God. 396 00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:24,458 - You know who that is? - That's Elizabeth Banks, my friend. 397 00:16:24,459 --> 00:16:26,124 She sent you a drink. 398 00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:27,833 This is what I'm talking about. 399 00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:29,542 Here it is, right here. 400 00:16:31,709 --> 00:16:33,708 Salman, this is... this is unbelievable. 401 00:16:33,709 --> 00:16:35,875 So don't talk to me. What are you talking to me for? 402 00:16:35,876 --> 00:16:38,041 Go talk to her. 403 00:16:38,042 --> 00:16:40,042 Do this. Go for it. 404 00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:48,917 - Hello. - Hi. 405 00:16:48,918 --> 00:16:51,166 Cheers. May I join you? 406 00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,875 - Yes. - Although, I should warn you 407 00:16:53,876 --> 00:16:57,124 that it might be... it might be a bit dangerous. 408 00:16:57,125 --> 00:16:58,792 - Really? Tell us all about that. - Yes. 409 00:16:58,793 --> 00:17:02,249 - Is that Salman Rushdie? - Yes, that's Salman. 410 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:05,583 We're the, uh... we're the fatwa boys. 411 00:17:05,584 --> 00:17:07,999 I just can't believe you're out and about. 412 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,291 - In broad daylight. - What am I gonna do, Elizabeth? 413 00:17:10,292 --> 00:17:13,750 Look, I'm not gonna walk around with a mustache and a wig. 414 00:17:13,751 --> 00:17:15,917 - Right? - Yes, you just face the world. 415 00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:16,917 Absolutely! 416 00:17:16,918 --> 00:17:18,708 Hello, ladies, I'm the manager. 417 00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:22,083 I really apologize about your lunch being late. 418 00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,249 There was a disturbance in the kitchen. 419 00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:26,667 - Ah. What kind of disturbance? - He's not gonna tell you. 420 00:17:26,668 --> 00:17:28,958 - I am about to tell her. - Yeah, sure, go ahead. 421 00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:31,124 Yes, we have a very big kitchen, 422 00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:32,875 and we're moving forward now, 423 00:17:32,876 --> 00:17:35,083 and we're going to get your meal right away. 424 00:17:35,084 --> 00:17:36,058 Can't wait. 425 00:17:36,059 --> 00:17:38,458 He hasn't told you one thing about the disturbance, has he? 426 00:17:38,459 --> 00:17:40,291 He hasn't... you didn't tell her about the disturbance, 427 00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:41,625 - just like last time. - I believe I did. 428 00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:43,291 I've ticked all the boxes... 429 00:17:43,292 --> 00:17:45,041 - You didn't tick one box. - ...of the disturbance. 430 00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,291 You didn't tick a box. The boxes are empty. 431 00:17:47,292 --> 00:17:48,458 I beg to differ. 432 00:17:48,459 --> 00:17:50,291 Let's get on to that delicious lunch. 433 00:17:50,292 --> 00:17:52,208 All right, thank you. 434 00:17:52,209 --> 00:17:54,416 - Thank you. Thank you. - It's okay. 435 00:17:54,417 --> 00:17:57,626 I wanna know everything there is to know about Larry David. 436 00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:07,500 - To the fatwa boys. - To the fatwa boys. 437 00:18:09,042 --> 00:18:11,500 He completely changed my outlook on this whole thing. 438 00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:12,999 At the end of the conversation, 439 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,166 he got up, he ripped off my wig, 440 00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:17,667 and said, "Come on, we're going out to lunch." 441 00:18:17,668 --> 00:18:19,291 - Unbelievable! - Welcome. Welcome back. 442 00:18:19,292 --> 00:18:20,833 - Look at you, you're back to normal. - Yeah. 443 00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,958 - Yes. - I like the other look better. 444 00:18:22,959 --> 00:18:24,999 Ooh, you know what? She's better every day. 445 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,416 Pretty good. Anyway, Elizabeth Banks sent a drink to my table. 446 00:18:29,417 --> 00:18:30,792 Oh, my God, I love her. 447 00:18:30,793 --> 00:18:32,833 - Oh, she's fantastic. - She's fantastic. 448 00:18:32,834 --> 00:18:35,875 - I know. I went over to her table. - Oh, bullshit. 449 00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:39,166 We had a lovely conversation, and I saw her last night. 450 00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:42,458 - She's not interested in you, Larry. - She's swooning. 451 00:18:42,459 --> 00:18:44,249 - She's swooning? - She's swooning over me. 452 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:45,875 - You're delusional. - Do you know why? 453 00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:47,667 - Because I'm dangerous, Susie. - Yeah. 454 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,333 What the hell are you doing here, anyway? 455 00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,375 I think I might've left my sunglasses here. 456 00:18:51,376 --> 00:18:53,208 You know, the Dr. Strangelove glasses? 457 00:18:53,209 --> 00:18:54,541 Yeah, would you mind looking for them? 458 00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:55,875 Yeah, I would mind looking for them. 459 00:18:55,876 --> 00:18:57,708 I'm busy looking for a little girl. 460 00:18:57,709 --> 00:19:00,041 All right, well, when you're outside, 461 00:19:00,042 --> 00:19:02,458 you look for Katie, and when you're inside, 462 00:19:02,459 --> 00:19:05,458 eh... you look for the sunglasses. 463 00:19:05,459 --> 00:19:07,708 You could do both. It's like Jeff's Cubs hat. 464 00:19:07,709 --> 00:19:08,833 Have you found your Cubs hat? 465 00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:10,208 No, I have not. 466 00:19:10,209 --> 00:19:11,875 I'm sure if you ran across Jeff's Cubs hat, 467 00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:13,124 you would call it to his attention. 468 00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:14,667 Same thing with the sunglasses. 469 00:19:14,668 --> 00:19:16,533 That's all I'm asking. 470 00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:17,933 - Excuse me. I don't give a shit - ...that's all. 471 00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:19,040 about Jeff's Cubs hat... 472 00:19:19,042 --> 00:19:21,500 ...about your Dr. Strangelove glasses. 473 00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:23,875 I care about this kid, my little sister. 474 00:19:23,876 --> 00:19:26,166 Just keep it in the back of your mind. 475 00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:29,541 Look, I've got Katie in the back of my mind. 476 00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:32,833 I've got the sunglasses up front, Katie's in the back. 477 00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:34,792 - That's so wrong, Larry. - But it's always in the back. 478 00:19:34,793 --> 00:19:36,708 Katie should be in the front for both of you. 479 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,750 She's not an inanimate object. 480 00:19:38,751 --> 00:19:41,124 Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you. 481 00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:43,917 I'm gonna move Katie all the way up to the front. 482 00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:46,291 I'm gonna give her equal footing with the sunglasses. 483 00:19:46,292 --> 00:19:47,667 Both in front of my mind. 484 00:19:47,668 --> 00:19:49,750 Where's my Cubs hat in this scenario? 485 00:19:49,751 --> 00:19:51,999 I can't handle three in the front. 486 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,291 It's too much. It's overload. 487 00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:56,416 I'll move Katie back two paces. 488 00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:58,792 I'm gonna move your Cubs hat to the front. 489 00:19:58,793 --> 00:19:59,958 That works perfect. 490 00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,291 You two have no compassion, 491 00:20:02,292 --> 00:20:04,917 have no caring about another human being. 492 00:20:04,918 --> 00:20:06,583 There's some partial truth to that. 493 00:20:06,584 --> 00:20:08,958 - Yeah. - It's an illness, for sure. 494 00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:12,249 I don't know why I have it, but I... I definitely do. 495 00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:14,041 Maybe that's her. 496 00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:16,249 - This is fucking nuts. - Oh, Ted! 497 00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:18,083 She's still gone. 498 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:20,083 - No, she's still gone. - You're living the life now. 499 00:20:20,084 --> 00:20:21,583 - Oh, my God, I love her. - Bless your heart. 500 00:20:21,584 --> 00:20:22,833 - You poor thing. - By the way, 501 00:20:22,834 --> 00:20:24,625 that car of yours got me a ticket. 502 00:20:24,626 --> 00:20:25,525 How? 503 00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:29,625 I was at a stoplight and I beeped a cop. 504 00:20:29,626 --> 00:20:31,541 What's that have to do with my car? 505 00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:34,875 Because your horn cannot hit the subtle notes required in the art of beeping. 506 00:20:34,876 --> 00:20:37,124 - A beep's a beep. - A beep is not a beep. 507 00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,625 I'm telling you, that horn is gonna get you in a lot of trouble. 508 00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:40,750 Mark my words. 509 00:20:40,751 --> 00:20:42,083 So, how much is a beep ticket? 510 00:20:42,084 --> 00:20:43,249 $275. 511 00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:44,583 Wow. Are you gonna pay it? 512 00:20:44,584 --> 00:20:46,834 No. I'm fighting it. 513 00:20:49,209 --> 00:20:50,458 I mean, Your Honor, 514 00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:51,999 I don't even know why I'm here. 515 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,999 There should be no such thing as a ticket for this. 516 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,333 It's our inalienable right to beep. 517 00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:58,583 Without the freedom to beep, 518 00:20:58,584 --> 00:21:01,458 we are no better than the beasts in the field. 519 00:21:01,459 --> 00:21:03,999 And I'm not talking about the common chicken. 520 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,875 I'm talking about the mighty oxen and the donkey... 521 00:21:06,876 --> 00:21:08,708 - Donkey. - ...with his floppy ears, 522 00:21:08,709 --> 00:21:13,375 ...his pea-brain and his stolid, slack-jawed gaze. 523 00:21:13,376 --> 00:21:16,500 A revolting creature, if there ever was one... 524 00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:18,833 - O-okay. Okay, all right. - ...who walked the earth! 525 00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:21,917 That's enough of that talk about donkeys and field chickens. 526 00:21:21,918 --> 00:21:23,583 I've got more about the donkeys... 527 00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:24,958 That's enough. 528 00:21:24,959 --> 00:21:27,583 All right, so, Officer Jenkins, 529 00:21:27,584 --> 00:21:29,541 you have been in this courtroom many times. 530 00:21:29,542 --> 00:21:31,291 How many of those cases has been because 531 00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:34,458 someone has beeped you? 532 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,124 Never, Your Honor. 533 00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:38,208 - Not once. - A feather in my cap. 534 00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:39,917 I'm a first to beep a cop. 535 00:21:39,918 --> 00:21:41,792 I'm a pioneer, Your Honor. 536 00:21:41,793 --> 00:21:43,833 In the mold of a Rosa Parks. 537 00:21:43,834 --> 00:21:46,416 - Wow. Huh. - In the mold of a Jackie Robinson. 538 00:21:46,417 --> 00:21:49,166 Mm-hmm. Anyone else you're in the mold of? 539 00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:52,750 Maybe a Martin Luther King or a Malcolm X? 540 00:21:52,751 --> 00:21:53,999 Harriet Tubman? 541 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,416 Yes, Harriet Tubman. 542 00:21:55,417 --> 00:21:57,124 Although I'm not quite sure what she did, 543 00:21:57,125 --> 00:21:59,625 I have a feeling she was in the pioneer family. 544 00:21:59,626 --> 00:22:00,958 All right, so do you think that... 545 00:22:00,959 --> 00:22:02,583 I'm sorry, could you just take a step back? 546 00:22:02,584 --> 00:22:05,208 - You're in the well right now. - Oh, am I in the well? 547 00:22:05,209 --> 00:22:08,541 - Yeah, that would be called a well. - Oh, sorry. 548 00:22:08,542 --> 00:22:10,583 Somebody could've told me about the well, frankly. 549 00:22:10,584 --> 00:22:12,458 I was talking to you outside. 550 00:22:12,459 --> 00:22:14,333 You never mentioned anything. Wouldn't have killed you. 551 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:17,333 I think we need to get back to you beeping right now. 552 00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,875 Your Honor, may I offer you a cough drop? 553 00:22:19,876 --> 00:22:21,750 You know, you're a judge, you're talking a lot, 554 00:22:21,751 --> 00:22:23,375 there are people here all the time. 555 00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:24,833 You get a sore throat. Take it. 556 00:22:24,834 --> 00:22:26,416 - Take the cough drop. - I don't need any. 557 00:22:26,417 --> 00:22:27,750 - Take it for later. - Yeah, all right. 558 00:22:27,751 --> 00:22:29,416 - Okay? Yeah. - Thank you for your... 559 00:22:29,417 --> 00:22:31,291 - your warm pocket candy. - You'll thank me. 560 00:22:31,292 --> 00:22:32,124 Yeah. 561 00:22:32,125 --> 00:22:33,124 You'll be sucking on that thing, going... 562 00:22:33,125 --> 00:22:34,750 "Boy, that guy in court today 563 00:22:34,751 --> 00:22:36,375 really had something with that cough drop." 564 00:22:36,376 --> 00:22:39,583 The chances of me putting that in my mouth are very slim. 565 00:22:39,584 --> 00:22:42,416 Well, if you're not gonna suck on it, you might as well return it. 566 00:22:42,417 --> 00:22:44,500 I mean what's the point of taking a coughdrop 567 00:22:44,501 --> 00:22:47,957 from somebody if you're not gonna suck on it? ...Cause I'll use it. 568 00:22:47,958 --> 00:22:49,958 That may be the first thing that we've agreed on today. 569 00:22:49,959 --> 00:22:52,708 Now take your unsucked candy and get back to your desk. 570 00:22:52,709 --> 00:22:54,917 Okay, let the record show I had a good time in the well. 571 00:22:54,918 --> 00:22:56,792 - Hmm. - That's all I'm gonna say about it. 572 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,291 Love the well. 573 00:22:58,292 --> 00:23:01,249 - I'm so glad I came. - Yeah, yeah, me, too. 574 00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:04,708 - Yeah, I'm really glad, too. - This is not going the way you wanted it. 575 00:23:04,709 --> 00:23:07,500 Your Honor, are you listening to what this man is saying over here? 576 00:23:07,501 --> 00:23:10,292 Huh? Did you listen to one word... yoo-hoo. 577 00:23:11,417 --> 00:23:13,458 Mr. David, did you just... 578 00:23:13,459 --> 00:23:14,917 did you just yoo-hoo me? 579 00:23:14,918 --> 00:23:16,833 I did. I yoo-hooed you. 580 00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,792 You weren't paying attention, so I yoo-hooed. 581 00:23:18,793 --> 00:23:21,041 Right, so you decided it was okay to yoo-hoo. 582 00:23:21,042 --> 00:23:23,041 Oh, you can't yoo-hoo a judge? 583 00:23:23,042 --> 00:23:27,208 You most certainly cannot yoo-hoo a judge. 584 00:23:27,209 --> 00:23:29,125 I'm affirming the citation. 585 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,124 Very well. I will pay your citation. 586 00:23:34,125 --> 00:23:35,792 But I cannot leave this courtroom 587 00:23:35,793 --> 00:23:38,833 without telling you that a grave injustice has been done here, 588 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:41,041 for I'm not doing this for me; 589 00:23:41,042 --> 00:23:42,917 I did it for you and you and you. 590 00:23:42,918 --> 00:23:44,583 - Bailiff. - And all of you. 591 00:23:44,584 --> 00:23:46,333 For we are not donkeys. 592 00:23:46,334 --> 00:23:48,833 Or in Brooklyn, we would say... 593 00:23:48,834 --> 00:23:51,500 we would say "dunkeys" for some reason. "Dunkeys." 594 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,000 Hey, come on, buddy. 595 00:24:09,668 --> 00:24:13,667 Oh, jeez, that is... that is loud. 596 00:24:13,668 --> 00:24:15,541 Oh, no. No, no, come on. 597 00:24:15,542 --> 00:24:18,041 No, no, I... I'm sorry. 598 00:24:18,042 --> 00:24:19,249 - Sorry. - Roll down the window. 599 00:24:19,250 --> 00:24:20,958 That was just a reminder beep. 600 00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:25,375 That was just a reminder beep. I'm sorry. 601 00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:27,041 Reminder beep? Reminder for what? 602 00:24:27,042 --> 00:24:28,792 Well, but the light had changed and... 603 00:24:28,793 --> 00:24:30,708 No, no, that was an aggressive fucking beep. 604 00:24:30,709 --> 00:24:32,416 It's a new car and I'm not used 605 00:24:32,417 --> 00:24:33,875 to the subtleties of the beeps. 606 00:24:33,876 --> 00:24:35,375 No, I don't give a shit. Come here. Get out here. 607 00:24:35,376 --> 00:24:36,958 Wait, wait, wait! It's me, Ted Danson. 608 00:24:36,959 --> 00:24:39,542 "Becker," "Cheers," anything? Jesus. 609 00:24:41,209 --> 00:24:42,875 - Hi, Lar. - Oh, hello. 610 00:24:42,876 --> 00:24:46,375 - Oh. - This is my friend, Elizabeth. 611 00:24:46,376 --> 00:24:47,917 - Hi! - Hello, Elizabeth. 612 00:24:47,918 --> 00:24:49,667 - Elizabeth Banks. - Yes! 613 00:24:49,668 --> 00:24:51,166 - Hi. - This is Susie Greene. 614 00:24:51,167 --> 00:24:53,333 Hi. Oh, what a beautiful house this is. 615 00:24:53,334 --> 00:24:54,750 Hi, Jeff. This is Elizabeth Banks. 616 00:24:54,751 --> 00:24:56,708 - So nice to meet you. - Hi. 617 00:24:56,709 --> 00:24:58,875 - Nice to meet you. - The man behind the man. 618 00:24:58,876 --> 00:24:59,541 I get it. 619 00:24:59,542 --> 00:25:01,541 Why don't you come inside, all right? 620 00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:04,583 Okay, okay. We'll go inside. 621 00:25:04,584 --> 00:25:05,524 Thank you, Elizabeth. 622 00:25:05,525 --> 00:25:07,124 You know, we were just in the neighborhood 623 00:25:07,125 --> 00:25:08,541 having a little drive. 624 00:25:08,542 --> 00:25:11,249 I heard about your little sister. 625 00:25:11,250 --> 00:25:13,166 - Yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah. - It's terrible. 626 00:25:13,167 --> 00:25:16,875 I lost a cat once, so I know how you're feeling. 627 00:25:16,876 --> 00:25:19,917 With all due respect, losing a cat 628 00:25:19,918 --> 00:25:21,583 is nothing like losing a child. 629 00:25:21,584 --> 00:25:23,917 Well, with all due respect, 630 00:25:23,918 --> 00:25:25,999 I mean, that cat was my child. 631 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,249 And this girl, I mean, it sounds like you kind of barely know her. 632 00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:31,124 I would say I know her quite well. 633 00:25:31,125 --> 00:25:33,875 She's an underprivileged child we took into our home, 634 00:25:33,876 --> 00:25:36,375 and she feels like our own little girl. 635 00:25:36,376 --> 00:25:38,958 Well, Mr. Noodle was a stray as well, 636 00:25:38,959 --> 00:25:40,708 who I brought in off the street, 637 00:25:40,709 --> 00:25:43,875 and literally slept on my bosom for 17 years. 638 00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:45,416 Mr. Noodle slept on your bosom? 639 00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,124 - Yeah, he did. - Yeah. 640 00:25:47,125 --> 00:25:50,166 - He was a stray? - I know how much you miss this girl. 641 00:25:50,167 --> 00:25:52,583 It's... it's a loss, for sure. 642 00:25:52,584 --> 00:25:54,167 It's a huge loss, and she's a human being. 643 00:25:54,567 --> 00:25:55,067 Yeah. 644 00:25:55,068 --> 00:25:57,166 - Flesh and blood. - Not your flesh and blood. 645 00:25:57,167 --> 00:25:58,633 Not my flesh and blood.. 646 00:25:58,634 --> 00:26:00,333 - ..but I don't discriminate. - No. Someone else's. 647 00:26:00,334 --> 00:26:02,917 I'm happy to tweet a recent photo of her. 648 00:26:02,918 --> 00:26:04,458 I do have a lot of followers. 649 00:26:04,459 --> 00:26:06,375 I have a video of her dancing. 650 00:26:06,376 --> 00:26:08,291 She's a very talented dancer. 651 00:26:08,292 --> 00:26:10,917 Oh, we should put that on my social channels or something. 652 00:26:10,918 --> 00:26:12,625 I saw her dance. She's not... she's not much of a dancer. 653 00:26:12,626 --> 00:26:14,458 Oh, what the fuck do you know, Larry? 654 00:26:14,459 --> 00:26:16,208 - I saw the tape. - You know talent? You know dancing? 655 00:26:16,209 --> 00:26:18,333 I saw the tape of the dancing. I don't wanna get into it. 656 00:26:18,334 --> 00:26:19,833 What was the last dance program you ever saw? 657 00:26:19,834 --> 00:26:21,625 Did you go to Martha Graham? No. 658 00:26:21,626 --> 00:26:24,917 Yeah, because I don't like to go out of my way to be bored. 659 00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:26,667 I could show Elizabeth right now 660 00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:29,583 a video of her dancing, which is magnificent. 661 00:26:29,584 --> 00:26:32,249 I'll watch that video and you can watch 662 00:26:32,250 --> 00:26:34,083 a video of Mr. Noodle chasing a string. 663 00:26:34,084 --> 00:26:36,375 - All right, enough! - It is the cutest thing you ever saw. 664 00:26:36,376 --> 00:26:38,541 This is a underprivileged child... 665 00:26:38,542 --> 00:26:40,667 - Oh. - ...who came into our world. 666 00:26:40,668 --> 00:26:42,541 Look, I just wanna be helpful, you know? 667 00:26:42,542 --> 00:26:44,875 Elvid told me about the situation and... 668 00:26:44,876 --> 00:26:46,500 - Who? - Oh, El... 669 00:26:46,501 --> 00:26:48,249 - She calls me Elvid. - It's my little... 670 00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:49,833 Why the fuck do you call him "Elvid"? 671 00:26:49,834 --> 00:26:51,291 - It's my little nickname. - Nickname. 672 00:26:51,292 --> 00:26:52,958 You know? I like to have... he calls me Lizzie, 673 00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:54,999 - I call him Elvid. - Oh, Jesus. 674 00:26:56,626 --> 00:26:57,750 Oh, wait a minute. 675 00:26:57,751 --> 00:26:59,500 A cop car just pulled up, Jeff. 676 00:26:59,501 --> 00:27:00,376 What is that? 677 00:27:02,209 --> 00:27:04,124 Oh, my God, Jeff! 678 00:27:04,125 --> 00:27:06,917 - My little sister! - I'm really sorry. 679 00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:10,458 - Oh, my God! - My glasses! 680 00:27:10,459 --> 00:27:11,999 My glasses! 681 00:27:31,668 --> 00:27:34,333 I'm so happy to have you back. 682 00:27:34,334 --> 00:27:35,958 Where'd you find her, Officer? 683 00:27:35,959 --> 00:27:37,541 - She was at her boyfriend's. - No, she wasn't. 684 00:27:37,542 --> 00:27:39,749 She doesn't have a boyfriend. Come on. 685 00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:41,208 - All right. - You come in. We'll discuss it. 686 00:27:41,209 --> 00:27:44,041 - Bite to eat? - Love it. Starving. 687 00:27:44,042 --> 00:27:45,876 - Let's do it. - Great. 688 00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,541 That's Jeff's Cubs hat. 689 00:27:51,542 --> 00:27:53,083 You gotta call the fire department. 690 00:27:53,084 --> 00:27:54,625 The fire department? 691 00:27:54,626 --> 00:27:56,875 That's very dangerous, Elvid. 692 00:27:56,876 --> 00:27:58,542 I got this, Lizzie. 693 00:28:02,084 --> 00:28:04,041 Wow, Elvid. 694 00:28:04,042 --> 00:28:05,918 Is there nothing you're afraid of? 695 00:28:11,376 --> 00:28:14,626 Oh, yeah, yeah, yes! 696 00:28:19,542 --> 00:28:22,124 Oh. 697 00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:24,250 - Let's get the fuck out of here. - Okay. 698 00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:33,458 You have an... an idea for an app? 699 00:28:33,459 --> 00:28:34,875 It's a fantastic idea. 700 00:28:34,876 --> 00:28:36,625 Say I invite you over for dinner one night. 701 00:28:36,626 --> 00:28:38,291 Okay, I like where this is going. 702 00:28:39,292 --> 00:28:40,416 And I'm cooking... 703 00:28:40,417 --> 00:28:41,816 - And then? - I've never done this in my life, 704 00:28:41,817 --> 00:28:43,917 ...by the way, but I'm... it's just all hypothetical. 705 00:28:43,918 --> 00:28:47,249 - I like it. - So, now when dinner's over, 706 00:28:47,250 --> 00:28:49,924 okay, and there's a big pile of dishes in the kitchen. 707 00:28:49,925 --> 00:28:50,625 Sure. 708 00:28:50,626 --> 00:28:52,458 We don't wanna deal with that, right? 709 00:28:52,459 --> 00:28:54,333 Wait till tomorrow. We've got other things to do. 710 00:28:54,334 --> 00:28:55,875 No, we don't even need to wait till tomorrow. 711 00:28:55,876 --> 00:28:57,291 - Why? - I pick up the phone, 712 00:28:57,292 --> 00:28:59,458 I open up the app, five minutes later, 713 00:28:59,459 --> 00:29:01,291 there's people doing the dishes. 714 00:29:01,292 --> 00:29:03,708 Excuse me, I'm looking for a suspect. 715 00:29:03,709 --> 00:29:06,291 He vandalized police property. Larry David. 716 00:29:06,292 --> 00:29:07,958 Hi, I'm the restaurant manager. 717 00:29:07,959 --> 00:29:09,249 How may I help you? 718 00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:11,291 Yes, I'm looking for Larry David. 719 00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:13,999 - Ah, yes, Larry David. - Yeah, I'm looking for him. 720 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,166 He's one of our more engaging customers. 721 00:29:17,167 --> 00:29:19,766 They'll be driving all over the city just like Uber... 722 00:29:19,767 --> 00:29:20,667 Okay. Right. 723 00:29:20,668 --> 00:29:22,625 ...and then they'll get their... their dish call. 724 00:29:22,626 --> 00:29:24,999 I just don't understand how you and I are getting it on after dinner 725 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,833 if there's a rando stranger in the house doing the dishes. 726 00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:29,999 Oh, my God. 727 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:34,583 - It's that cop. Come, come, come on! - Okay, okay. 728 00:29:34,584 --> 00:29:36,333 You're not answering any of my questions. 729 00:29:36,334 --> 00:29:38,124 Well, I just wanna tell you, 730 00:29:38,125 --> 00:29:43,958 I'm here to support the men in blue 110%. 731 00:29:43,959 --> 00:29:47,041 Okay, uh, we need a plan. We gotta come up with a plan. 732 00:29:47,042 --> 00:29:50,124 - What's the story? What do we say? - Um, okay, here it is. 733 00:29:50,125 --> 00:29:51,999 We went across the street to buy some lemonade 734 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,500 from these Girl Scouts. 735 00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:54,999 One of the Girl Scouts is Asian. 736 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,249 It's good to be specific when you lie. 737 00:29:56,250 --> 00:29:57,333 It's the cornerstone of a good lie. 738 00:29:57,334 --> 00:29:58,375 - Okay. - Okay? 739 00:29:58,376 --> 00:29:59,875 And the lemonade was delicious. 740 00:29:59,876 --> 00:30:01,583 - Yes. I can taste it. - Delicious lemonade. 741 00:30:01,584 --> 00:30:04,875 Yes, and all of a sudden, a gust of Santa Ana wind comes along 742 00:30:04,876 --> 00:30:07,875 and knocks the rake off the roof onto the hood of the car. 743 00:30:07,876 --> 00:30:09,333 - Yes. Okay, I can... - Got it? 744 00:30:09,334 --> 00:30:10,708 I got it. Yes, of course. Are you kidding? 745 00:30:10,709 --> 00:30:12,416 I did Shakespeare. I can handle this. 746 00:30:14,084 --> 00:30:16,875 - Is there a problem? - Yeah, there's a problem. 747 00:30:16,876 --> 00:30:18,083 You vandalized my car. 748 00:30:18,084 --> 00:30:20,667 - Oh, no, no. - Oh, no, no, no. 749 00:30:20,668 --> 00:30:25,875 Officer, we were standing across the street 750 00:30:25,876 --> 00:30:28,375 from your vehicle, 751 00:30:28,376 --> 00:30:33,541 buying some lemonade from a... a stand. 752 00:30:33,542 --> 00:30:35,540 It's like a, you know, the wooden with.. 753 00:30:35,541 --> 00:30:36,841 - Lemonade stand? - ..a sign... 754 00:30:36,842 --> 00:30:38,333 ..the lemonade stand. 755 00:30:38,334 --> 00:30:40,625 They were the little ones, the Brownies, 756 00:30:40,626 --> 00:30:43,667 one of whom was Indian. 757 00:30:43,668 --> 00:30:49,667 And we decided that we actually wanted Arnold Parkers, 758 00:30:49,668 --> 00:30:51,458 - and so... - Palmers. 759 00:30:51,459 --> 00:30:54,166 - I don't think so. - Palmer. 760 00:30:54,167 --> 00:30:55,163 Arnold Palmer. 761 00:30:55,163 --> 00:30:57,583 Well, let's leave that detail for another day. 762 00:30:57,584 --> 00:31:01,249 At any rate, he went into the house to... 763 00:31:01,250 --> 00:31:01,750 He? 764 00:31:01,751 --> 00:31:04,750 ...retrieve the... yes, there was a man. 765 00:31:04,751 --> 00:31:08,249 An Irishman who went into the house. 766 00:31:08,250 --> 00:31:10,083 He said... "I'll go get you... 767 00:31:10,084 --> 00:31:13,917 ye the iced tea for the Arnold Parker." 768 00:31:13,918 --> 00:31:15,625 And so, while we were waiting 769 00:31:15,626 --> 00:31:19,041 for the Arnolds Palm... whatever it is. 770 00:31:19,042 --> 00:31:22,208 - Palmer! - Anyway, a gust of wind came. 771 00:31:22,209 --> 00:31:25,124 - It blew a rake off of the, um.. - The roof! 772 00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:25,625 ..roof! 773 00:31:25,626 --> 00:31:28,708 - Off the roof of the house onto the car. - I was handling it. 774 00:31:28,709 --> 00:31:32,000 Anyway, it blew the rake off of the roof... 775 00:31:33,292 --> 00:31:38,041 and that's how your car was damaged. 776 00:31:38,042 --> 00:31:39,875 All right, you're coming with me. 777 00:31:39,876 --> 00:31:41,291 It landed on your vehicle. 778 00:31:41,292 --> 00:31:42,667 Great! Great performance! 779 00:31:42,668 --> 00:31:44,375 - You're an actress? - You know what? 780 00:31:44,376 --> 00:31:46,416 That's the worst performance I've ever seen in my life! 781 00:31:46,417 --> 00:31:48,124 - You! - It was a bad script, Larry. 782 00:31:48,125 --> 00:31:50,917 - You wrote me a bad script! - Oh, oh, a gust of wind. 783 00:31:50,918 --> 00:31:52,625 I do better with a little more preparation. 784 00:31:52,626 --> 00:31:54,124 You should arrest her for bad acting. 785 00:31:54,125 --> 00:31:56,958 Look, I need a rehearsal. I'm not a one-take wonder. 786 00:31:56,959 --> 00:31:58,875 - Give me a break. - Fuck you, Elvid. 787 00:31:58,876 --> 00:32:00,833 Hello? What the fuck?! 788 00:32:01,834 --> 00:32:03,992 Hi. I'm the manager. Sorry.. 789 00:32:03,993 --> 00:32:07,291 - there has been a delay in your meal. - What's taking so long? 790 00:32:07,292 --> 00:32:11,124 Well, there's been a disturbance in the kitchen.